Thog's Family

[Emanick]

Now, bear in mind that I know this is absolutely impossible and will never happen. But we can still hope.
What do you think Thog's family is like? Does he have a dead brother in Celestia too? Is his father a Chaotic Evil orc who runs three homeless shelters and two orphanages, as well a home for troubled youth? What's his mother like, and is his grandfather a fighter too?
Post your ideas. :smallbiggrin: And please don't harvest my organs; I already owe people some kidneys for when my donor surgery request comes through. :smallfrown:

[Hectonkhyres]

Thog's father is an old war veteran who lost a arm in battle years ago. Being crippled, he was forced to put away his axe and take up a civilian pursuit... making him the village's dedicated chef. Complete with hat.

UROG DEMAND CILANTRO!

FYI: He can kill a man with a cleaver at a distance of 100 feet.

[Brett Wong]

UROG DEMAND CILANTRO!


You sir, win.

[Raging_Pacifist]

Dead brother? Likely.
In Celestia? Probably not.

[Stormpax]

You sir, win.

Heck, he just won the interweb.

[Hectonkhyres]

You sir, win.
Heck, he just won the interweb.
Its the avatar. Pedophile Santa can do no wrong.

Lets see. Thog should also have a sister, a little girl about eight years old. Having been born after her father's settling down, she would have been literally raised on his war stories. Urog, for his part, hasn't even noticed that shes a girl.

Imagine an orc in a cute pink dress (if anyone asks about the color, its stained in the blood of her enemies) and a pair of pigtails. Her belt has a half dozen knives and she drags a waraxe almost her own mass behind her. In a dozen years time, expect her to have worked her way up to taking levels in Frenzied Berserker.

Thats right. A Frenzied Berserker who has an unnatural love of teaparties and dressup. Thog, the addled mutant that he is, probably helped her with both while growing up.

Gods... I could have done without imagining Thog in a french maid's outfit.

[Jayngfet]

Gods... I could have done without imagining Thog in a french maid's outfit.

My minds eye, it hurts and stings(cookie for the reference).

[Dumbledore lives]

Well, he probably has a brother/sister and parents... They must be Therkla! Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Seriously he probably first met his mother and thus his love for puppies, then met his father thus his love for killing. He probably has a sister too, and possibly a deceased little brother just like Roy.

[T-O-E]

Thog's father is a reformed orcish rapist and pillager, who was drugged and later seduced by the woman caring for him.

*CRAFT DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGE*

[Hectonkhyres]

Thog's father is a reformed orcish rapist and pillager, who was drugged and later seduced by the woman caring for him.

*CRAFT DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGE*
In the words of Discworld's Cohen the Barbarian: Its only rape if she doesn't like it. If you do it right, its called ravishing.

Anyway, look at the traditional manner of getting married in some parts of central asia. Steal a hottie, show her all the cool stuff you have, and convince her she doesn't want to run a knife across your throat the first time you fall asleep. It works for them.

[Stormpax]

Gods... I could have done without imagining Thog in a french maid's outfit.

I think half of my brain just died.
:smallsigh::smallfrown:

[Jayngfet]

Thog's father is a reformed orcish rapist and pillager, who was drugged and later seduced by the woman caring for him.

*CRAFT DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGE*

No I believe that's calles "craft generic half orc".

[Hectonkhyres]

No I believe that's calles "craft generic half orc".
Still better than 'craft generic centaur'.

[Raging_Pacifist]

Still better than 'craft generic centaur'.

Yet not as bad as the owlbear. Anyway, I've figured it out: Thog's sister is little baby Urk's mom. When Urk died they cast reincarnate on him thus creating Therkla. And although a half orc she was reincarnated as a northerner and in order to get money to find her parent she became an assasin.

[Hectonkhyres]

Yet not as bad as the owlbear.
A wizard may have done it... but I don't think he did it with his pants down. Owl on bear sex isn't half as disturbing as drunk wizard on horse.

I wonder why there aren't more sheeple in the D&D universe.
...
Note to self: Work up the statistics for a race of woad-raider sheeple.

[ABB]

In the words of Discworld's Cohen the Barbarian: Its only rape if she doesn't like it. If you do it right, its called ravishing.



Rape's nothing to joke about, ever, in any way.

I won't report this post because I'm not the kind of person to run whining to a mod when I see something that offends me and I also mostly don't like mods as a group in general, but I'd ask you to remember that some things aren't funny at all, and shouldn't be joked about, especially on a family friendly forum.

Also I found your "pedophile santa" reference to be in abysmally poor taste and was greviously tempted to report it, but won't due to the above reasons, tho I am surprised no one else has reported you and disappointed that the mods have taken no action.

Really, people have been banned from here for far less objectionable things than what I've seen from you in this thread.

[Hectonkhyres]

Ok. I find that a sad commentary on the state of the giantitp forum, if that is an accurate portrayal of the forum as a whole, I will limit myself to PG-rating material. I understand that every forum has its rules and, however odd they seem to one's mindset, they have to be followed without real argument. But I have just a couple of comments that I feel must be made.

Don't take this as defiance, nor an invitation to discussion, but I do have a couple of comments to make:

1) All humor, and I mean all of it, is offensive. Look at any joke in the world and, I guarantee you, it will have somebody suffering somehow. We laugh at all the horrors of the world so we can sleep at night without contemplations of suicide. Laughter is a coping mechanism.

2) Face it... my avatar is that sort of creepy. Look at the damn thing and tell me you would willingly sit in its lap.

3) You have read Oots and, presumably, played D&D at some time in your life. Both are filled to the brim with murder and outright genocide, torture, people being molested by spiked tentacles, and such cheery bundles of joy as the BoVD. Conan the Barbarian, arguably the inspiration for the D&D universe, carried off more women than there are grains of sand on the beach... later taking a stick in the eye from Discworld's Cohen the Barbarian and his Silver Horde. And, I'm sorry, but nothing Terry Pratchett does can ever possibly be wrong.

[Max_Sinister]

Reminds me of a joke:

Random person: Say, where's your father?

Thog: killed with axe!

RP: Oh no, you poor half-orc! - And your mother?

Thog: killed with axe!

RP: But then you're an orphan! - What about your siblings?

Thog: killed with axe!

RP: Oh no, them too? Do you still have grandparents?

Thog: killed with axe!

RP: And your uncles, and aunts, and other relatives?

Thog: killed with axe!

RP: By the gods, then you're all alone in the world! And what are you doing now?

Thog: kill with axe!!!


Now let's see how the non-Germans like that joke.

[Laurentio]

Rape's nothing to joke about, ever, in any way.
To cite someone more witty than me, "Your politically correctness makes real world cry".

Rape is truelly unfunny, but censorship of every non-grim reference is not the way. It goes to the censure of every reference to violence, war, disease, social inequality, dependence, unjustice, and there is not space enough to finish the list.
What is this webcomic about? Violence, death and greedness? Nothing to joke about, ever, in any way. Erfworld is about Violence, dead, tyrannicship and bisexual sadomasochistic sex. Close this site.

Please, don't act like a mod if you are not proposing anything constructive. A mod can censure a topic, because of his authority on the forum (and no matter the rightness or less of his reasons). Lacking this authority, your over-the-throne attitude is going to bring more heat on an issue that was just touched, once, for fun.

I suppose we are all wise enough to grow a personal viewpoint of the issue, and chose for ourself.

Laurentio

[darktalon]

To cite someone more witty than me, "Your politically correctness makes real world cry".

And besides, Terry Pratchett is one of the gods of comic fiction. I'm highly amused by the fact that the book this so-called "family unfriendly" joke came from was bought for me by my mother when I was 13; it occurs to me that the kind of "family" people who talk in such terms have in mind is the kind I'm glad I don't come from.

[ABB]

*Sigh*, I just cannot believe the mods around here.

The "organ harvesting" bits get outlawed, with threats of bannings being handed out to those who do them, even tho they are so clearly meant as a joke it's hard to imagine anyone being offended.

Meanwhile, rape and pedophilia jokes draw nary a whisper of criticism from the same mods who so self righteously condemned the organ harvesting joke.

Why are good mods so hard to find?

(Now I'm sure to get banned over that, while the pedophile santa bit remains uncriticized...)

[Hectonkhyres]

Organ harvesting, as I understand it, is frowned upon not because it is offensive*, but because it is actively dangerous to the orderly functioning of the forum itself. It was a rampant meme that some thought was becoming a thorn in our collective side.

I argue against such censorship, as I argue against censorship everywhere, but abide by it because I, proverbially speaking, am in another man's home.

I will say, however, that you must not be able to watch Comedy Central or visit 99.99% of the internet without suffering abject horror. Even Sluggy Freelance recently had schoolgirls being carried into a backroom by cavemen.

*The single most overused word in the English language.

Back to the green, mentally deficient abomination we like to call Thog and his equally abominable kin. We have a couple of things we haven't yet hit on: Mother, potential stepmother or mothers depending on the host orcish society, aunts and uncles... even pets would be an interesting exercise to go over. We know what Thog does with unsuspecting first level Commoners/Experts.

I'm imagining Thog in his youth wearing only a tartan... riding into battle with a bunch of goblins riding carnivorous (possibly plaid) dire sheep name Skitch. He comes back to his village rolling something like a giant rubberband ball. Made entirely out of goblins. Some of whom are still pleading for a quick end or trying to bite the knees of random passersby.

[AkodoKoji]

My first thought when seeing Therkla was that she was Thog's daughter. Obviously she isnt because her orc parent is her mother.

Edit: I would totally sit on that Santa's lap. Then bait him into doing something provacative and sue the mall for millions.

[Hectonkhyres]

My first thought when seeing Therkla was that she was Thog's daughter. Obviously she isnt because her orc parent is her mother.
The main reason I didn't think that was my utter certainty that Thog is a virgin.

Edit: I would totally sit on that Santa's lap. Then bait him into doing something provacative and sue the mall for millions.
Its difficult to file a lawsuit when one is gagged and hanging from the ceiling in a basement directly under the north pole... wearing only assless chaps. And a week later you are brainwashed, castrated, and inducted into the fraternity of christmas elves.

[The Extinguisher]

For the record, the organ harvesting thing was banned because it was SPAM.

And if we never made jokes about these things, we wouldn't have black humor, and our lives would be a depressing wasteland of sadness, despair and overeating.

Moving on, I will eat my hat if Therkla turns out to be Thog's sister or half-sister. And I will post a video of it here.
Don't get any ideas there Mr. Giant :smallbiggrin:

[happyturtle]

Thog has a daughter. I know, because I played her in a game a few months ago. :smallbiggrin: Original thread here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=76785).


Remember when Thog had a dwarven puppy (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0142.html)? Well I've given him a dwarven daughter.

This either happens after Thog stops adventuring with the Linear Guild or perhaps in an alternate universe. A family of dwarves is caught in a flash flood. Mum and Dad can't escape, but they assemble a makeshift raft and attach their baby to it. Of course they hang on to the very last minute and only let go when it is clear that they are about to be drowned. They die, but the baby is swept downstream and eventually is discovered by everyone's favourite half-orc barbarian.

Thog, of course, decides to keep her. And being the super creative guy that he is, he names her Baby. Had Baby been any other race, she almost certainly wouldn't have survived Thog's parenting, but she survived and grew up among his tribe of orcs and half-orcs, learning to hold her own with the orc children and in the fights with her dad. She is fiercely loyal to her orc tribe and has no desire to rejoin dwarf society.

Baby's history (according to her): Grumush and dwarf god fight over Baby. Dwarf god steal Baby, make Baby born in dwarf body. But Grumush tricky. Grumush know dwarves not like water and send flood. All real dwarves drown, but Baby not drown. Baby get washed away until Daddy Thog finds Baby. Daddy Thog not god, so no can make Baby look like orc. But Daddy Thog make Baby good orc in everything else. One day, if Baby fight good enough, Grumush will give Baby orc body.

Baby has cut off the end of her nose and uses powder with a green tint on her face and skin to attract the orc boys. With her charisma score, she thinks she's hot stuff, and always goes for the biggest toughest orc or half orc she meets. Her personality is similar to Thog's--she is generally cheerful and feels great affection for her friends.

Typical fight with dad:

"Thog tell Baby do dishes!" "Thog not boss of Baby!" "Baby live under Thog roof, do what Thog say!" "Baby go out with friends! Baby has life! Baby do dishes tomorrow!" "Baby do dishes now!" "Raawr!" "Raawr!"

......

Much later... "Dishes all broken now. Baby go meet friends." "Okay Baby. Daddy Thog loves Baby." "Baby loves Daddy Thog"

[turkishproverb]

Thog has a daughter. I know, because I played her in a game a few months ago. :smallbiggrin: Original thread here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=76785).

*takes internet from Hectonkhyres*

We have a new winner!

*hands internet to happyturtle.*

[Hectonkhyres]

*takes internet from Hectonkhyres*

The internet can not be taken... only shared.
Like an STD.

[Emperor Demonking]

Now let's see how the non-Germans like that joke.

That was hilarious.

[teratorn]

Thog has a daughter. I know, because I played her in a game a few months ago. :smallbiggrin: Original thread here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=76785).

It looks like a sitcom the MITD would watch on TV... at least you weren't Hilgya and Durkon's daughter.

[Stormpax]

Owl on bear sex isn't half as disturbing as drunk wizard on horse.

I think the other half of my brain just died. :smallfrown: