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lopanvsjburton
2008-05-23, 02:01 AM
I just love funny stories. Especially when their specific, like about dreams, sports events or, as the thread title says, RPG stories. By RPG I mean in-game. Out of game reference is cool but not a story like a dropping a bucket of dice (to use a bad example).

I have a story from a D&D 3.5 campaign. Because it was a few years ago and I don't remember the names of our characters I'll just treat their class as their name.

When the campaign started we we're all drugged and woke up in a cell that had ankle deep water rising slowly. Our captors didn't think to take our stuff (including our weapons) away so we plugged the hole the water was coming out of with our bedrolls. 15 minutes later we had found some dusty sheets which we decided we would replace the bedrolls with as the water plugs. Rogue, who was a halfling, decided he would do it. Whilst Wizard and Fighter we're in a conversation about House (which I don't watch) I (the cleric) pondered. Then I realised "Oh sh*t! Water pressure". Because our GM doesnt like OOC chat that effects the game I (Cleric) had to run through the halls at top speed, down a flight of stairs to warn him of the pressure.
"Don't pull those bedrolls out!" I barked
"Eh... whats the worst that could happen" he replied.
SPLOOOOOSH!!!!!!!! (our GM shouted enthusiatically)
The water buildup was so immense that it picked Rogue up and slammed him into the back wall doing 6 damage, knocking him out. Not to mention the splashback got my shoes wet. A heal spell later and he was okay. We eventually did clog the hole again. The water had only risen knee deep. But now when the guy who played Rogue wants to do something stupid we all say SPLOOSH! as a reminder.

Ironically about an hour later he was wall slammed for 6 damage again. But thats a story for another time.

lopanvsjburton
2008-05-23, 06:59 AM
No one interested?

the HZ
2008-05-23, 07:59 AM
I have tons of them. I could mention the latest campaign me and my group played, for example.

The group consisted of Elven Ranger (me), Human Cleric, Human Sorceress and Troll Fighter (the campaign world had trolls of all sizes and shapes. This character was a medium-sized troll woman).
In this campaign, we got lost in a magical forest and tried to find our way out. This took us many, many sessions before we managed to solve the riddles and find our way out. We encountered a lot of strange beings and got into a lot of trouble.
The sorceress started with a magical stone, which she could use to transform things with. The stone was a bit unreliable, but that didn't prevent us from abusing the stone. A lot. The things we did with it includes:

Transforming a goblin into a cat-like... thing.
Turning the cleric into a woman.
Trying to transform a big rock into an elk (which we needed for one of the many bizarre riddles we needed to solve to get out), and failing miserably. The sorceress grew a pair of elk horns, and I turned into a half-elk centaur-thing.
Removing the sorceress' arms.
Putting them back again, but with the right hand on the left arm and vice versa.

After getting out of the forest, we tried using it on an extremely ugly ship captain to make him more handsome in exchange for passage to a cursed island. I rolled a natural 1. The captain turned into a good-looking elven ranger, but I turned into the ship captain. I then told the crew that I was the captain, and to throw the ranger off the ship and set sail for the cursed island.

Oh, and the troll warrior in our group dissapeared once in the forest, then turned up much later naked and covered in strange tattoos. We never managed to find new clothes for her.

Ecalsneerg
2008-05-23, 08:09 AM
DM: "Ok, roll to stabilise. where's the d10?"
Me: "Dunno. Use a d20?"
DM: "OK, roll a 20 and pick two numbers."
Newb: "Double one!"

Laurellien
2008-05-23, 08:21 AM
Campaign I was recently DMing, it was monty-haul style and the party was against the final boss, who had turned into a two headed demon-thing practically made of save or die spells, he has already eliminated two members of the party. It is worth mentioning at this point that one player had a flying obdurioum ship above the forcefield surrounding the battle.

The wizard/archivist opens up a scroll of miracle and proceeds to dispel the forcefield.
The cleric flies into the air and taps the ship with a rod of cancellation

The ship collapses on top of the BBEG. It does about 12,000,000d6 damage so we leave it there, his crushed remains turning back to normal.

Lycan 01
2008-05-23, 10:54 AM
12,000,000d6

Thats... a lot of dice...


I was playing Arkham Horror with a friend, and we'd been going around hunting monsters in order to toughen up our characters. There'd been a ton of weak ones in the college, and I'd killed most of them. Suddenly, two more monsters appeared across town. Feeling full of myself, I decided to go kill them in order to get a better gun with their points. So I pranced across the map, and attempted to fight them. The first enemy died with ease, and I then turned my attention to the other one.

It raped me.

The thing had way more Stamina than I did, robbed me of most of my Sanity (I went from 4 to 1 points upon seeing it... That is bad. Very bad...), and was immune to most of my weapons. So I tried to fight it. That went badly. Then my turn ran out, and the monster got to fight me. I got destroyed, and was essentially flung to the hospital in order to recover.

Now where was my friend during all this?

Drinking coffee. He found some strange chemicals in the science lab at the college, and he had to do a Luck Check. Turns out it was coffee, and it refilled all his Stamina and Sanity. So while I was dying, he was enjoying premier Columbian roast... :smallannoyed:



Another time, me, the same friend, and my GF were playing. My GF went to explore a portal, and there was a cultist next to it. So she unsurely said, "I... uh... I want to explore the portal, and the cultist."

Dead silence followed by extreme laughter. Which was only made worse when I took it upon myself to jokingly DM the experience to her. "You approach an interdimensional portal, and a cultist. You decide to explore them. Both of them. You explore every inch of the cultist. You enjoy it, and so does he."

We didn't stop laughing for several minutes...

Later on I stole her motorcycle, too. :smalltongue:

MorkaisChosen
2008-05-23, 11:24 AM
"I approach and enter the barman."

Became a group meme.

Kesnit
2008-05-23, 11:55 AM
(From a DragonLance campaign)

The group had faced draconians before and realized some turn to stone when they are killed. The character that kills it has to make a reflex save (can't remember the DC) or get their weapon stuck in the now-stone draconian.

Kender Rogue (me) did not want to lose his new +1 short sword or +1 dagger, but had no ranged weapons. The creature was flanked, so I was getting SA damage (which, given the low damage of my weapons, was my primary damage-technique). Thinking quickly, I dropped both weapons and attacked unarmed. Both attacks hit, and I rolled VERY well on my 2X 2d6. The draconian fell unconscious.

One of the guys in my group declared that I had punched the draconian in the groin. The image stuck.

Lycan 01
2008-05-23, 12:00 PM
Now what would have been funnier is if your hand got stuck...

the HZ
2008-05-23, 12:45 PM
A couple of years ago, me and my friands were roleplaying with a very creepy GM, who none of us associate with anymore. During that time he was playing a lot of Wind Waker, so of course he wanted to make a campaign where we were all sailing around, exploring islands and finding magic pearls.

On one of the islands, one player was polymorphed into a fox. When we later on found a way to turn him back, he turned up unconcious and naked. All of his inventory were missing. Then, the GM told us that a piece of cloth was sticking out of his butt. We pulled it, and all of his clothes came out. We then ended up pulling his entire inventory out of his arse.

He woke up later, complaining that his arse hurt. I told him:

"It's a bad sign if you wake up naked on a beach with a butt ache."

Project_Mayhem
2008-05-23, 02:26 PM
My party was infiltrating a cultist temple.

My character, a changeling ninja, and a Tiefling Swordsage, were on scouting duty. We found a guard in front of a large door, and swiftly dispatched him. Unfortunatly, he managed to let loose a bloodcurdling scream as he died. Thinking on my feet, I quickly derobed him, shifted to imitate him, and put his clothes on, while I whispered at the swordsage to hide the body in the dark.

Almost immediately, two cultists burst through the door.

I managed to pass my disguise check, and after concocting a story about banging my foot, passed my bluff check.

Then, they turned to look down the corridor.

Swordsage rolled a 1 on his hide check

DM: 'Errr, brother, why is that horned man in black tightly hugging a naked corpse, that looks suspiciously like you, up against a wall'

Me: Well brother, theres a perfectly reasonab - SUDDEN STRIKE TO FACE!

KazilDarkeye
2008-05-23, 02:37 PM
My group was trekking through Yuan-Ti Forest and had split into 2 parties. This story consists of one party:
NPC: Human (Archery) Ranger
My Friend: Duergar Barbarian
My Sister: Aasimar Bard.

They were walking along when they heard two voices calling out to them

Yuan-Ti: Tresspasserssssss will be killed...
Bard: Hey, they are about 180 f.t away, right?
Me (DM): Yeah, about.
Bard: So we can do stuff before they get here?
Me: Yeah, you could hide.
Barbarian: Not a bad idea.
Bard: I'm gonna cast some spells.
Me: Sure
Bard: First I'll cast Light on my headband.
Me: Right...
Bard: Next I'll cast Summon Monster to summon a Celestial Owl, and cast Light on it as well.
Me: Right....
Bard: I'll tell it to hold on to my back.
Me:O.K.....
Bard: Now I'm gonna use Bardic Knowledge. What's the name of a REALLY powerful angel?
Me: I dunno.....Celestius?
Bard: That's a boy's name.
Me: Fine.......Celestia?
Bard: Great. Now Bluff check (natural 20)
STOP! I AM CELESTIA!

.................................................. ...................................
:smalleek:
<Yuan-Ti start bowing>

KillianHawkeye
2008-05-23, 02:50 PM
Bad Guys know they're in trouble when the Seven Heavens of Celestia comes visiting. :smallwink:

FMArthur
2008-05-23, 04:00 PM
One player after about fifteen minutes of rolling barely successful will saves against incrementally higher torture DCs (level 13 player)...

Torturer (DM): Talk, damn it! Tell us where the orb is located! ...make a Will save *player passes*

Captive Factotum (player): Pfft. You're dead the moment I decide to kill you, and nothing you can do can stop me. You've really only got one option if you want to survive, and that's to free me as a gesture of submission to my will. Otherwise the idea that you intended to hurt me, despite being unable to, is offensive enough to me that I would rip you limb from limb. Bluff: 48, Intimidate: 55

Torturer (cowering in fear): Please! Don't hurt me! I'll do anything! Anything!

lopanvsjburton
2008-05-23, 05:50 PM
Yuan-Ti: Tresspasserssssss will be killed...
Bard: Hey, they are about 180 f.t away, right?
Me (DM): Yeah, about.
Bard: So we can do stuff before they get here?
Me: Yeah, you could hide.
Barbarian: Not a bad idea.
Bard: I'm gonna cast some spells.
Me: Sure
Bard: First I'll cast Light on my headband.
Me: Right...
Bard: Next I'll cast Summon Monster to summon a Celestial Owl, and cast Light on it as well.
Me: Right....
Bard: I'll tell it to hold on to my back.
Me:O.K.....
Bard: Now I'm gonna use Bardic Knowledge. What's the name of a REALLY powerful angel?
Me: I dunno.....Celestius?
Bard: That's a boy's name.
Me: Fine.......Celestia?
Bard: Great. Now Bluff check (natural 20)
STOP! I AM CELESTIA!

.................................................. ...................................
:smalleek:
<Yuan-Ti start bowing>

That's a good one. I rolled a 20 on my bluff check when trying to steal stuff. I said I was making an inventory of their items.

ahammer
2008-05-23, 05:55 PM
we had a game where one of the players fig out that as a paladen you dont need to work for a god so he deced that he would warship himself.

he ended up converting the claric in our party (me)

the rest of the game mostly had me asking me god to smite a "siner"

and him going up and hitting it.

Moff Chumley
2008-05-23, 07:33 PM
There was that time a player came to an epic level game with a bunch of Emperor Tippy printouts. He got this far: "I summon a coatl and have it..." Me and the rest of the players jumped on him.

Squidmaster
2008-05-23, 07:56 PM
The last session i played in ended rather humorously. We were in hell after rescuing a king, and were attempting a speedy getaway, all the while being attacked by one of the lords of hell. Combat went something like this:\
Cleric: flies into air
Bard: turns invisible, flies into air.
paladin(me): "everyone, touch me, then the cleric will touch me and plane shift away."
rogue: "I grab on"
wizard: "I grab on"
monk: "I grab on"
ranger: "I grab on"
archer:"I grab on"
druid:"I grab on"
Cleric: plane shift
bard ::smallfrown::smalleek:
We later brought him back to life, but the devils got his stuff.

Lycan 01
2008-05-23, 08:04 PM
That poor Bard! That's so sad... but I can't stop laughing! Especially when I imaging the OotS gang as the people in that situation! :smallbiggrin: Poor Elan...

lopanvsjburton
2008-05-23, 08:11 PM
We later brought him back to life, but the devils got his stuff.

HA HA HAAAA!!!! lol

azalinthegreat
2008-05-23, 09:05 PM
In one game that I was in, we had to signal down a demigod who lived on a floating castle in the sky. Unfortunetly, being like 7th level characters, we did not have much power, so we couldn't think of anything to do. Until my character, an alchemest, remembered that the castle was usually surrounded by storm clouds...

So my character decides, "This is great, I'll just get some cable, do the whole key-on-a-kite thing." The only problem was making a kite. We did not have much time to make something that could hold enough metal to make a significant lightning strike. So we turned to one of the few magic items that we had, a Cloak of the Bat. One of us would have to wear it, while carrying all the weaponry we had.

Eventually, we turned the ranger into a kite. We only had three members, myself who was way too scrawny to survive even a single lightning strike, a paladin who was less than lucky on his hit point rolls, and the ranger who was basically our tank. We strung the ranger up, carrying as much metal as he could hold, and had him get struck by lightning. Even to this day, three years later, it cracks us up to think about, and the player can't figure out for the life of him how we talked him into it.

Lycan 01
2008-05-23, 09:21 PM
Did he live? O.o

azalinthegreat
2008-05-23, 09:57 PM
Actually he did. My cloak got fried though...I'll never let him live that down.

KazilDarkeye
2008-05-26, 06:59 AM
I sorta wish that I was making these stories up...

I have another tale, featuring the same bard.

When we were in the town market several miles back, she got talked into buying some (diseased) cookies from a hobo. Spin on a while and we need to cross a "Troll Toll" Bridge over a raging river.

Troll: Give me all yer stuff to cross.
Bard: I'll give you this cookie! (I think her Wisdom was still drained from her eating some)
<Rolls natural 20 on a Diplomacy>
Troll: Well, I is kinda hungry...
<Eats cookie. Upon rolling a natural 2 for his Fortitude save, he half ran and half danced his way to the outhouse>
DM: You are horrible, horrible people.

After this the troll's buddy comes out of the gatehouse. He spots that we have a dwarf (barbarian) in the party, and attacks him. The Barbarian kills him with a critical hit, so I rule he stumbled backward into the gatehouse and landed in the toilet.

Bard: I'm going to seranade him!
<Flushes toilet, then starts playing "Danny Boy". Eventually she realises that the troll sorta clogged the toilet and the water is starting to pool on the floor>
Bard:...the pipes, the pipes came:smalleek:oh holy S***

The water pressure was starting to build up, so she, the fighter, the barbarian and the ranger tried to keep the door shut. My wizard just steps back a good 20 f.t.
There was a shuddering and then we saw the outhouse (the one the first troll went into) rise into the air on a column of...shall we say brown water.

Troll: <opens door> Oh, NOT AGAIN!
DM: Horrible, horrible people....

KillianHawkeye
2008-05-26, 09:12 AM
The Trolls could afford indoor plumbing??

Project_Mayhem
2008-05-26, 09:24 AM
The Trolls could afford indoor plumbing??

Hey, if your 12 feet tall with a huge club, then I'm not gonna suck my teeth and tell you I might be able to get it done for 5 times the listed price but only on mondays.

MorkaisChosen
2008-05-26, 09:59 AM
See, that's why you need Mithral-bodied Warforged Mechanics.

Woot, incredibly obscure in-jokes.

KazilDarkeye
2008-05-26, 12:04 PM
The Trolls could afford indoor plumbing??


Turns out the gatehouse was built by humans (who needed the indoor plumbing), and were killed by the trolls.
They built the outhouse for emergencies, and to hide a spare key in.

lopanvsjburton
2008-05-26, 10:27 PM
Hey these are great stories :smallbiggrin:.

I have another one from the same party. The group had split into two. Cleric (me again) and Rogue we're searching for a way into some caves where an orc tribe resided. Fighter and Wizard thought they could reason with the orcs (we had done it once before).

See we we're there to retrieve the kings wizard who had gone totally mad and thought he was a god. He convinced a tribe of orcs that he was a god too. A critical failure on a move silently check and a 6 on subsequent hide checks got Fighter and Wizard surrounded by (rolls d% and divides by two) 24orcs. Two failed diplomacy checks and both Wizard and Fighter had become arrow pincushions (but not dead). Fighter tries an intimidate check and fails miserably.

Fighter: "You orcs better listen, or uh... me and my friend... are gonna... cause you... um... discomfort? Or just pain in general.
Orcs: *roaring laughter*
DM: Wiz, u wanna try an intimidate check?
Wizard: *rolls 20* "YOU PATHETIC INSECTS!!!! IF YOU ONLY REALIZED A FRACTION OF MY POWER YOUR MINDS WOULD SNAP LIKE TWIGS UNDERFOOT! YOUR BODY WILL MELT!! YOUR BRAIN WILL SHATTER!!!! I AM MAGIC!!! I AM POWER!!!! FEAR ME!!!!!!" *all the while purple magical energy is emanating from his eyes and hands*

The DM is laughing his head off at this role-playing brilliance all the while throwing dice to see the orcs reactions. 10 of them drop their weapons and run. 4 of them collapse into a snivelling crying wreck. And one of them, shall we say 'intentionally fell on to his own spear". The other 9 of them behave. And presto! Inside knowledge AND meat shields.

xPANCAKEx
2008-05-27, 08:22 AM
start of new campaign, players have no weapons and minimal equipment/gold, starting out at the parents house. The city is patrolled at night, so we have to keep a low profile and sneak about. Before leaving the house

fighter "i'll take a knife from the kitchen if im allowed?"
DM "ok, but i'll give you a -2 penalty"
Fighter "fair"
Rogue " i'll take a rolling pin - improvised club?"
DM "sure - same -2 for you... im feeling generous"
Cleric "i'll take a spatula"
everyone else: :smallconfused:
Cleric "Pray to your gods that you never find out what i can do with a spatula"

Xsjado
2008-05-27, 08:56 AM
We had just killed a black dragon, which is actually a pretty funny story in itself, a least the dragon thought so. Our bard who had been pretty useless up to this point used one of his abilities to make the dragon collapse with laughter, so we all just beat on it until it died. Bit of a dull fight but we were all laughing around the table as this happened.

Far funnier was what happened afterwards.

Paladin: "Boy all this dragon killin' is making me thirsty, what's to drink"
GM: "You look around, there is a large pile of treasure in the middle, a door on the west side of the cavern and a pool of liquid about 20' square in the southeast corner"
P: "I walk over to the pool and take a few gulps"
GM: "Take 3d6 damage"
P: "What?!"
GM: "I never said that was water and even black dragons have to pee sometime"

Even my cleric couldn't do anything about the scars:smallwink:

the HZ
2008-05-27, 02:38 PM
I was the DM for a game of D & D today, and I decided to try a new idea. I consulted the "100 adventure ideas" chart in the Dungeon Masters Guide, but instead of rolling once, I rolled three times and mixed the results. The result?

"Unexplained snowstorms create a guild to control and monitor flying ships"

And the best part? It worked. How, you ask? Well:
The snowstorms were in fact elder air elementals, who were sent out to find an artifact. To get more resources, they bought the local airship port and put it under strict control. The players were then told to find this artifact to resolve these issues.

Or, that's what I had in mind. The rogue decided he didn't want to investigate the hostile takeover of the port and all the problems it was causing around town. He decided to break into a house. To be fair, he had been given directions to the house by a mysterious stranger, but he had no real reason to sneak into it yet.
I told him the door looked strong and was shimmering faintly. It was magically held, but he didn't even try to open it. He instead climbed down the chimney and ended up in a wizard's lab. After messing around with some stuff he heard something from the basement. He decided to surf down the handrail down to the basement, which he failed since he didn't have any ranks in Balance.
After falling down the stairs, he tried the basement door. It was stuck, so he looked for something to bash it open with. He found a massive flower pot with a small tree growing in it. With it, he bashed the door until he rolled a natural 1. I decided that the pot broke and he got a faceful of soil.
After a lot of kicking, he finally got the door open.
DM: The room is pitch black. You can't se anything because of the darkness.
Rogue: I set it on fire.
DM: The darkness?
Rogue: Yes.
DM: Okay... you reach into the darkness with your flint and steel, and you feel soething crawling over your hands.
Rogue: I pull my hands out.
DM: They're covered in spiders.
Rogue: I light my arms on fire!
DM: Okay... the spiders die, but you take 4 fire damage.
Rogue: I light a torch.
DM: The torch illuminates the room, and you see that the entire room is covered in spiders. (A spider swarm.) Take a fortitude save.
Rogue: (rolls and fails)
DM: You are too nauseated to do anything. The spiders crawl all over you and bite you. You take 2 damage, save vs. poison.
Rogue: (rolls, success.) I throw the torch and my sword at the spiders and run up the stairs!

Chevy
2008-12-02, 03:00 PM
This was a few years ago (AD&D 2Ed)

We had a mixed group - some Realms, some Dragonlance (allowed due to Spelljamming). I played a Kender thief.

Actual role playing was important to us, and we had some great characters. While working our way towards our first goal - a crashed ship where we hoped to recover the helm - I "collected" other players' dice and miniatures, stashing them in the ever-popular Crown Royal bag. Needless to say, when we reached the ship, battle ensued, and I was found out. Just staying in character, making sure my fellow adventurers' stuff was "safe" cause they "dropped" it. :smallredface:. I did, however, receive a nice XP bonus.


Another instance was with my Tinker Gnome (Illusionist). Short on funds, the fighter and I headed down to the tavern, armed with some pipes and "blueprints" I drew up. We sold shares into a new endeavor to harness water power in new ways - Advanced Hydrodynamics as Applied to Automated Defensive Systems. Gotta love fast talking. The Paladin wasn't happy (when we told him after quickly leaving town).:smallwink:

evil-frosty
2008-12-05, 12:21 AM
i have 2 the first was awhile ago in 2nd ed

The party was made up of a fighter (with a sunblade dont ask) a ranger/druid, ftr/clr, mu/clr
we were fighting some sort of guardian skeletons and the fighter fumbles and almost throws his sunblade down this bottomless chasm from then on his characters name was chuck short for chuck a sword. later on we were fighting juju zombies and the ftr fumbles again then crits and he ends up doing around 2 thirds my hp, next round i fumble and then crit and do a lot to him meanwhile the 2 clrs were fumbling and hitting each other a lot 2 we couldnt stop laughing since we were killing ourselves the jujus didnt have to do a thing.:smallsmile:

Second this one is more recent. Our party was fighting a wyvern and we were beating it badly without taking a lot of dmg so it decides to flee but first it has to have a snck so it grabs my dwarf ftr and then proceeds to fly away the party sorcerer takes out wand of magic missile and shoots it down and it breaks my leg this later led to the clrs death since he had to be in melee cuz i couldnt be:smallsmile::smallsmile:
this character has a death count going he has died 2 and has been knocked down into the negatives around 10 times.

turkishproverb
2008-12-05, 12:33 AM
Story 1

P1: What do you mean he locks us up.
DM Me: He takes you into custody while the anti magic feild is up and locks you away.
P1: You can't do that! My Divination would have warned me
DM Me: evidentally you missed something.
P2: let it go (P1)
P1: No. Divinations are supposed to tell you everything about a potential prome..
DM Me: No, their not.
P1: (*&* you, yes they are. Who are you to play god?
DM Me: (loudly) Suddenly the sky darkens, winds begin to blow and lightning flashes as the anti magic feild closes down. In front of you stands a tall figure in a billowing cloak, his face set hard and angry. Lighting strikes as he appeares, Killing (P1's CHaracter) with massive amounts of damage. He continues to stand there, glaring at you.
P2: Thanks alot (P1) Now we've either got Odin or Vecna after our heads.
P1: Wha..


That is who I was to play god.

Story 2
P3: My halfling theif opens the door and moves through
DM ME: Ok.
P1: I enter the room
P2: me too
DM Me: YOu set off the trap you failed to check for. It was weight based.
PC 3: What happens to us?
DM Me: You fall rocks die.
PC's: ???
DM Me (not admitting mistake): Roll up new rocks

luffy316
2011-03-03, 03:40 AM
have a bunch on the old thread(s) if you follow my info... but more recently

I ran a superhero setting based on Mutants and Masterminds (I love me some homebrews) and among the team was Lichzorz (a computer nerd turned into a massively magical lich) and Vanity (a vampire hunting male model with light powers)

Vanity is stalking a partcular vampire and finds the ghost of one of her victims, sending the ghost to rest by swearing vengeance on her killer. She finds the body buried in the walls and takes it for proper burial (the game was rarely this somber)

Vanity returns to the team with the wrapped up corpse and offers it to Lich. "Can you do something with this please?"
Lich: "Oh, sure. No sweat!" *snaps fingers. ghost emerges from the corpse*
Vanity: "WHAT!? Why did you do that!?"
Lich: "I am a NECROMANCER! What the hell did you EXPECT me to do when you hand me a corpse and go 'do something'?"
wound up having their speedster ally do some quick digging.

In another group i was running this same game for, the two players decided to have an official "badass-off" in the game, being scored by other players whenever they did something badass and competing. This grew more annoying as they'd ruin missions to try and outdo eachother. finally the team (self-appointed) leader declares "This has gone far enough! You two either have to just f*** and get it out of your system, or just have a duel right now and settle this!"
"Fine!"

I'm blown away as most of our session becomes a duel between Dangerous and Omen, a regenerating martial artist and the teleporting cyborg gunman. Omen blinks between rooftops taking shots at Dangerous, but he keeps hiding out and regenerating until he can get close enough to pummel him senseless before he teleports away again. boils down to Dangerous having him cornered, Omen hurting big time, so he grabs some explosives in his robot arm, takes the sturdiest door he can find (this being in the mostly emptied slums) and charges him with an explosive robot punch.

Both fly out the window, taking attack, explosive, and falling damage. Omen's arm looks like Elmer Fudd's shotgun after Bugs Bunny ties it in a knot, and it at -7 hp (-10 dead in this game, unless you had a power stating otherwise). Dangerous has one arm hanging on by a thread and is at -6, though slowly regenerating back his body. I insist this seems to be a draw, though with some edge to Dangerous since he's able to regrow his HP and is 1 point higher, and Omen is worse off, unable to revive himself, and out a few thousand dollars for a new robot arm. The party insists that Dangerous won. Omen's player somehow tried to argue that he won.

NOTHING RESOLVED!

zenon
2011-03-03, 05:26 AM
We were fighting some random encounter on our way to the boss, and I was playing a paladin
Round 1: I fumbled and accidentally ran myself through with my greatsword but I survived
Round 2: I asked my dm if I could quick draw my sword, he told me that I could if I trained for a long time, so I spent the round pulling my sword out.
Round 3: I rolled 3 1s and killed myself.

Earthwalker
2011-03-03, 08:19 AM
Group of players sneaking into an Aztecnology compound. The get over the wall and are sneaking past two guard stood talking.

Elf Decker sneaks past with a great roll, bekons the rest over.
Dwarf Street Sam next gets an adverage roll and I tell him the guards hear something moving and seem to be looking around, he makes a meow meow noise and the guard look at each other then get back to chatting.
Ork Street Sam (Called I kid you not The Lone Ranger) sneaks past, again adverage roll and I say again the guards hear something, as it worked last time he does the meow noise and the guards go back to talking.
Final character, another ork street sam called Tonto. terrible roll, the guards shine thier flashlights over towards the area where the character are hiding, Tonto says

"Don't worry I am just a dog after those two cats"

Cue fight scene after I have a 10 minuet break laugthing.

Yukitsu
2011-03-03, 02:40 PM
Some quotes from an evil campaign. I was playing a very evil dread witch who was basically evil pointed at slavers and other people who largely deserve it.

Me: Hey DM, I want to invent a new version of phantasmal killer.
DM: What's it do compared to a normal one?
Me: Like, a rounds or minutes per level duration.
DM: Wouldn't that just be like implosion with 2 saves?
Me: No, I don't mean works on multiple people duration, I mean it takes the guy X time to die from it.
DM: ... You're one disturbed kid.
Me: While I'm at it, I figured out a way to give wrack a really long duration.

Me: Is he paralyzed yet?
DM: Yes, you can coup de grace him.
Me: I put his face in a shallow bowl of water, and sing him to sleep.
DM: See, why is it that your chaotic evil is so much eviler than just randomly maiming people. Can't you just for once, randomly maim people?

And a bunch of my noodle implement shenanigan plans.

Me: I need some sovereign glue, a bucket, 3 ladders, 2 strong chains, a torch, a tinder box, 5 gallons of oil and some manacles.
DM: Do I want to know what you plan on doing with all that?
Me: Probably not.

Me: I need a dozen cheap iron pot lids, a box of rocks, a young boy's outfit, a haircut and a very large stuffed animal.
DM: Should I even ask?
Me: It'll come up soon enough.

Me: I need a thought bottle, 4 ink wells, an intern, a dozen pens, a tabloid writer, a warm fire in the fire place, and a hundred years worth of diaries.
DM: How is this going to help you defeat your evil future omniscient self?
Me: That depends on what the penalty to lying to yourself is.

Me: I need a block of sugar, a small file, some lead foil and a freindly ant.
DM: What?

DM: I can't believe you managed all that with just a stamp and a paper shredder.

No brains
2011-03-03, 03:22 PM
I'm running a game with my sisters where they ended the session by releasing a gray ooze they trapped under a pot into a room of goblins to make their getaway. Yeah, a little funny, but I had to decide what kind of damage that ooze would do before the goblins could possibly neutralize it, the problem being that the whole goblin base could be eradicated by the ooze due to a lack of ways to hurt it. Wanting to keep SOME survivors for an interesting conclusion, I came up with this.

My soloution:
Toilet humor. Here's the readied description for when they return. You find the goblin's toilet room. As you gasp to try to keep out the fetid air of doody, you realize that the toilets have no offensive smell! Looking into the toilet, you see the gray ooze at the bottom of a perfectly clean pit dialating eagerly as it senses you approach.


Call the patent office. :smallamused:

Strife Warzeal
2011-03-03, 04:27 PM
Me: I need some sovereign glue, a bucket, 3 ladders, 2 strong chains, a torch, a tinder box, 5 gallons of oil and some manacles.
DM: Do I want to know what you plan on doing with all that?
Me: Probably not.

Me: I need a dozen cheap iron pot lids, a box of rocks, a young boy's outfit, a haircut and a very large stuffed animal.
DM: Should I even ask?
Me: It'll come up soon enough.

Me: I need a thought bottle, 4 ink wells, an intern, a dozen pens, a tabloid writer, a warm fire in the fire place, and a hundred years worth of diaries.
DM: How is this going to help you defeat your evil future omniscient self?
Me: That depends on what the penalty to lying to yourself is.

Me: I need a block of sugar, a small file, some lead foil and a freindly ant.
DM: What?

DM: I can't believe you managed all that with just a stamp and a paper shredder.

Was your character's name Mack? Mack Gyver by chance?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MacGyver for those who don't understand.


Edit: What was your plan with all that anyways?

Yukitsu
2011-03-03, 06:15 PM
Was your character's name Mack? Mack Gyver by chance?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MacGyver for those who don't understand.


Edit: What was your plan with all that anyways?

No, I'm not Macguyver, my characters are fully willing to use more gun to solve some problems.

Can't tell the different plans I have with all that, as then they'd cease to be noodle implements.

some guy
2011-03-03, 06:39 PM
This happened last saturday. I was running a dungeon for some people who had played D&D only a few times.

At one moment the fighter tried to check if the bridge over some lava was real or an illusion by lying on solid ground stomping with his boot. This prompted the ranger to tea-bag the fighter. I thought it was a bit poor taste, but whatever.

The beauty of this happened in the second-to-last room. This room contained a huge treasure chest. For some reason the ranger decided to tea-bag the treasure chest. Turned out the treasure chest was a mimic.

Vknight
2011-03-03, 07:12 PM
In a 2ed I played a Wizard. The party Druid a DMPC in the bad sense and somehow several levels higher then us.
Well at one point the DM tells us the Druid is going to kill all the people we are helping.
My Wizards response? Shocking Grasp followed by the Fighter attacking from behind. We effectively pummel him and then I blow his head off with magic missile.
Dm actually gets angry at us for this. We point out what he said and to this day he will not admit thats what he said.
The Druid cursed me to not be able to cast magic.
Luckily I had with me a Magic Rod which let me cast as a Level5 caster per day equal to my level. The Dm was really angry and said the rod only works for people related to the original owner and it only casts Fog as a level 5 caster. My response then how have I been using it since level 2?
Yeah horrible Dm great player.
The comedy comes actually from him still being in denial saying we were the bad guys there.
So its actually more a 'Oh is that not just so pathetic its funny'

I have some more I will post later

dark.sun.druid
2011-03-03, 10:55 PM
Oh, I have a good one. Several stories actually. One of our characters is a psion. We were on a plane where everything was exponentially bigger, escorting some random lady through it to a gate to Sigil. For a size reference, the tree that we decided to camp in was high enough that one of out flying characters flew straight up into the air for a week and didn't reach the top. He turned around when he saw what amounted to a giant manta-ray flying through the air. He returned a few days later.

First story: There was a huge slug (I actually think that was it's size category) chasing the party. It moved rather slowly, being a slug. We fled up our home-base tree, our psion levitating the light characters and our Drow werespider climbing up this the heavier ones. The slug proceeded to chase us up. We took refuge on a branch. The psion proceeds to look over the edge of the branch, and asks the DM, "Is it within 60' of me?" It was. The slug got hit with a mind blast, peeled backward off the tree (unconscious), and exploded on the ground.

Second story: That night we slept in the tree. We awoke in the morning to find that we were all attached to the tree by tiny tendrils of root that it had grown into us during the night. We all managed to break free (some of us with assistance) except out Greenspawn stealth-cleric. We planned on ripping him off the branch, but he told us not to because he didn't want to take the damage. Some party members decided it would be a good idea to try to talk to the tree. They basically failed (it wanted to consume him and couldn't be reasoned with). So, a subset of that group attempted to blast the tree with fire spells. The tree reacted by forming pustules that exploded on the party, putting out the fire and doing acid damage to a couple of players. The group returns to the part of the branch where we had slept, only to find that Drow, a chaotic evil cleric of Lloth who hadn't performed a sacrifice in a while and was beginning to get negative side effects from her deity, had cut the wings and skin off the greenspawn, lit him on fire, and thrown him off the branch to burn away on the ground (he saw what happened with the pustules). I quickly claimed his skin as loot and got about 100 gp later for it. He came back as a ghost and continues to aid the party (I don't know why he doesn't "accidentally" cast inflict on the other cleric).

Third story: After all than nonsense, we finally managed to get back on track. For some reason I don't entirely remember we had to flee the plane (I think we were being chased by more huge invertebrates). We all gathered in a circle and prepared for a plane shift. Problem was, we had more PCs than out psion could transport. So we got someone to volunteer to stay behind. Two people actually. We had a lot of players. In any case, we began the plane shift. One of us had to make a Will save (I forget who) and failed. They got dropped back on the plane we came from. The Greenspawn, who we didn't yet know had returned as a ghost, had floated in and taken the place of that person! Our DM asked us to make a spot check when we arrived at out destination (the plane outside Sigil). Several of us notice that someone is missing. Of course, we knew out of character who was gone, so we noticed that. He then had us make an intelligence roll. One person made the DC. Remember that person who we were supposed to escort to Sigil? Neither did we. We left our quest objective along with 3 PCs on the other plane!

averagejoe
2011-03-04, 08:17 PM
The Mod They Call Me: Thread necromancy.