(Nearly) Useless Magic Items

[FlyMolo]

Similar to the idea here. (http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=692).

This sounds amazing, and I'm guilty of homebrewing magic items just for fun myself, despite their complete disregard of the WBL guidelines. So what are your favorite nearly useless trinkets? Feel free to make up your own.

Some to get you started:
The rope, chalice and staff from the above link. Unties itself, slowly purifies water, and stands point down if balanced, respectively.

The bucket that flips itself over after exactly 36 seconds. Not powerful enough to do anything except annoy farmers milking cows.

That other crystal chalice I've seen somewhere that converts light into water and vice versa.

The real fun part for the DM is seeing how your players will put these things to use. Anyway, I read this, loved the idea, and thought I'd pick the brain of the forums for some others. Any suggestions?

[kieza]

Boots of Soup: Invented by a low-ranking battlemage in an army cut off from supply, the Boots of Soup can hold 5 gallons each of any mostly-liquid substance, despite appearing to be a perfectly normal pair of boots, without getting the wearer's feet wet. If placed over a fire, the liquid inside will be heated up at the same time the boots dry out. Also see: Hat of Booze.

My players used them to smuggle a significant amount of alchemist's fire past the guards.

I also gave out the Rose-Colored Glasses, which make the wearer an optimist.

[FlyMolo]

I like the Boots of Soup. Suitably improbable to use, and fun to experiment with. *yoink* My players don't have identify. Just detect magic. How maddening.

I know you're out there, creative people!

[SamTheCleric]

Lesser Hat of Disguise - You may change one cosmetic feature about yourself (hair color, eye color.. tan).

Flaming <color> Ioun Stone - They look awesome... but really they are just dull gray ioun stones with continual flame cast on them.

Daern's Instant Outhouse - A lesser version of Daern's Instant Fortress... single 5'x5'x8' room. With a tiny portable hole built in.

[Sanzh]

I'm not sure how to stat it out, but my DM gave us a book that read out loud whatever was written inside it.
I thought it was cool (especially since it had several blank pages), but the rest of our party just sold it off for bigger weapons :smallsigh:

[Waspinator]

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=79541

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=80178

[Rutee]

You know the Robe of Useful THings?

Robe of Useless things. It has infinite items, but never anything useful to what's going on. Let's say you're eating soup from your awesome new boots. The Robe of Useful Things will have a spoon for you. You would get a Fork from the Robe of Useless Things.

[Mando Knight]

You know the Robe of Useful THings?

Robe of Useless things. It has infinite items, but never anything useful to what's going on. Let's say you're eating soup from your awesome new boots. The Robe of Useful Things will have a spoon for you. You would get a Fork from the Robe of Useless Things.

Or a stubborn donkey instead of a pack mule. That follows any enemy's orders, but not your own.

[The Faceless]

Ring of Cursing. Allows the wearer to swear in any language.

Woodsmans Axe. Cuts through natural trees as a +5 adamantine battleaxe, otherwise functions as a normal axe.

[quiet1mi]

had an idea of a commoner with a perm. robe of seemingly useless things... He basically was MacGyver with a portable hole for all the junk..

[FlyMolo]

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=79541

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=80178

I knew there were threads to this effect, but couldn't find them. Bookmarking as we speak.

[Zombie pixe]

Shoes of indistinguishable sound:

as the wearer walks they make a huge, constant unidentifiable noise, allowing the wearer to aproach unheard. Of corse, who ever the wearer is aproaching has heard a huge noise, and is thus on their guard.

additionaly, 1d6 sonic damage to all minisucle creatures within 5 feet.

[Zombie pixe]

Shoes of indistinguishable sound:

as the wearer walks they make a huge, constant unidentifiable noise, allowing the wearer to aproach unheard. Of corse, who ever the wearer is aproaching has heard a huge noise, and is thus on their guard.

additionaly, 1d6 sonic damage to all minisucle creatures within 5 feet.

[The Necroswanso]

Ring of Ring Protection: This ring protects it's wearer from wearing any rings, lest they be made of nickel and leave unsightly green marks on the fingers.


Magic Hat of Disguise Seeing: You can see anyone who is wearing a disguise, and only people wearing a disguise.

[happyturtle]

Bag of Cat Holding. Holds a random number of cats for an indefinite amount of time without harming the cats in any way. Cats behave normally when removed from the bag--i.e. they do exactly what they want to do, regardless of what you would like them to do. They may or may not return to the bag, and normal cats encountered elsewhere may choose to enter the bag. Any non cat item put into the bag is lost.

[Burrito]

One time we found an invisible shield, medium I think, no bonus to AC other than the usual shield bonus. We had it until we couldn't find it in camp when we got attacked at night and had to leave quickly.

[Vorpal Soda]

Bag of Cat Holding. Holds a random number of cats for an indefinite amount of time without harming the cats in any way. Cats behave normally when removed from the bag--i.e. they do exactly what they want to do, regardless of what you would like them to do. They may or may not return to the bag, and normal cats encountered elsewhere may choose to enter the bag. Any non cat item put into the bag is lost.

I'm quite intrested in the idea of a bag that can be used to irreversibly lose objects.

So, could I sneak up on someone and slip the bag over their head? If you have to get the whole person in to destroy them, could you actually fit their whole body into such a bag? Even if you couldn't really do this, it's still an efficent way of making bodies and over incriminating evidence go away, even if you'd have to carve up the body first.

[Copacetic]

Bag of Cat Holding. Holds a random number of cats for an indefinite amount of time without harming the cats in any way. Cats behave normally when removed from the bag--i.e. they do exactly what they want to do, regardless of what you would like them to do. They may or may not return to the bag, and normal cats encountered elsewhere may choose to enter the bag. Any non cat item put into the bag is lost.

When you combine that with This (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=76770), things start getting deadly. Because nothing stinks more than having five or six Sons of Pinky (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=4169575&postcount=33) dumped on your face.

[Randel]

Vase of bugs: an ornate vase that is enchanted so that the inside smells like honey mixed with fish guts, a weak one-way barrier at the top prevents any bugs who enter the vase from exiting. When a command word is spoken the barrier is lowered so that the user can dump out the dead bugs.

Ever clean handkerchief: a hankerchief that cleans and dries itself after being soiled.

Amazonian fullplate: A regular fullplate but an illusion makes the armor appear skimpier than it really is.

Inflammable rod: a wooden rod that can be set on fire, but it doesn't burn up. Immersing it in water puts out the fire.

Unrunnable scissors: The person holding these scissors is prevented from running or moving at an unsafe speed (including falling), the scissors also refuse to point its sharp edges toward any living thing (though it doesn't refuse to be pointed at undead or constructs).

Non-tripping marbles: these marbles move out of the way if anyone is about to step on them. One the person passes they move back to their origional position.

Magic teapot: any water put in the teapot is heated to boiling and is magically flavored to taste like tea. If actual tea leaves are added then it forgoes the flavoring to let the real tea flavor it. It does not purify water aside from natural boiling.

Sliding carpet: a cheaper version of the flying carpet, this one slides across the ground. If it travels over muddy or dirty areas then it gets dirty and must be cleaned. It sinks if made to traverse water.

twelve-foot board: What looks like an ordinary ruler expands to a twelve foot long, one foot wide and one inch thick board. If layed across a ten-foot wide hole it can support the weight of one person crossing it at a time.

Really orderly bouncy ball: If dropped or thrown, this rubber ball will stop in the air for a moment, fall straight down, and upon hitting the surface will emit a loud 'boing' sound and bounce straight back to the position it stopped at before dropping down and repeating the process. It does this regardless of the speed it was initially dropped or the direction it was initially thrown from. It bounces back regardless of the surface at the bottom and can bounce back from the surface of water (if dropped underwater it bounces upon hitting ground) it continues to bounce until someone grabs it.

Intelligent chess-board: the chess board is ornate and comes with complete sets of pieces who are all intelligent and fine constructs. However, while they all know how to play chess they often get bored of it and play something else. They all know the rules to checkers and go (often using copper and silver pieces in place of those who don't want to play) and sometimes pieces go missing because they have been misplaced or they went off to play hind-and-seek or tag. Every once in a while, some of them will get together and make up some playing cards and play a friendly game of poker. Those who go on adventures are often mesmerized by the things they see and try creating rules for a game that their fellow chess-pieces can enjoy. They are known to be very fond of dice.

Chair of reasonable comfort: a comfy chair that was shrunken down with a permanent shrink item. Can be turned into a full-sized chair to relax in.

[FMArthur]

Wand of Create Wand
This 50-charge wand is used to create other wands bearing exactly the same function as this one. The above name is abreviated from the true (infinite) name: Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand...

This was amusing because this seemingly useless item has saved lives, triggered or circumvented traps, tricked villains, and eventually become a universal building material in one of my gameworlds.

others of honourable mention made by DMs I've played under (apparently inspired by my WoCW):

Decanter of Endless Ale
Effectively destroyed a nation.

Boots of Grease
A not so well thought out joke item that resulted in a Monk with max ranks in Balance skating around every encounter making it amazingly difficult for most of the monsters to move around.

Rope of Expel Adventurers Comically Out of a Rope Trick During the Night
:smallannoyed:

[FlyMolo]

I'm also yoinking the boots of grease. Yes please.

And the unrunnable scissors.

And the invisible shield. That's just clever.

[Tough_Tonka]

In one low level adventure I made, one of the items the PCs found was a +1 flaming spear; unfortunately it was made for a pixie lord and was only an inch or so long. One of the players kept it as a self-lighting match.

One of the funniest magical items a friend of mine made was the +5 Vorpal Cupcake of deliciousness. As he put it, "One bite and you'll get your just desserts."

One my first cursed items was a porcelain duck statue that once someone put in there hands they could never hold anything else. The rogue nabbed the duck then stashed it away with no problem, then during a fight with some kobolds he reached for his rapier and pulled out the cursed duck. We had some fun getting rid of that item.

[Nohwl]

how did you manage to get rid of it?

[Draz74]

Rope of Expel Adventurers Comically Out of a Rope Trick During the Night
:smallannoyed:

Best. Item. Ever.

[Tough_Tonka]

how did you manage to get rid of it?

He tried breaking it, but it just came back in his hand as good as new. He ended up breaking the body and using sharp porcelain as an improvised knife for the remaining part of the dungeon.

No one in the party was high enough level to cast Remove Curse. When they got back into a city the rogue tried to steal a scroll of Remove Curse, but as he fled from the mage merchant's booth he noticed he only had that porcelain duck in his hand.

One of the players, an epic munchkin figured that if the duck kept going back into his hands he could sell it over and over again to different merchants for "infinite" gold. Of course as the DM I could let him abuse his curse, so I decide the Duck would be transferred to anyone who willingly took it from him. After he sold the duck to the merchant no more curse.

[TigerHunter]

Really orderly bouncy ball: If dropped or thrown, this rubber ball will stop in the air for a moment, fall straight down, and upon hitting the surface will emit a loud 'boing' sound and bounce straight back to the position it stopped at before dropping down and repeating the process. It does this regardless of the speed it was initially dropped or the direction it was initially thrown from. It bounces back regardless of the surface at the bottom and can bounce back from the surface of water (if dropped underwater it bounces upon hitting ground) it continues to bounce until someone grabs it.
Now I want to take one of these out to the Marianas Trench and drop it. Or just anywhere in the ocean, really.

[Waspinator]

Three words: weighted companion cube:
http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=59724

[Reinboom]

Bag of Cat Holding. Holds a random number of cats for an indefinite amount of time without harming the cats in any way. Cats behave normally when removed from the bag--i.e. they do exactly what they want to do, regardless of what you would like them to do. They may or may not return to the bag, and normal cats encountered elsewhere may choose to enter the bag. Any non cat item put into the bag is lost.

:elan: Sneak sneak sneak the catfolk party member around the guards.


Endless Chalk-
Changes color as a command word. Also, never runs out.

Immovable Mannequin -
See invisible rod, but, as a mannequin with each limb being adjustable in of itself.

Untouchable Razor Wire -
An extremely thin wire, usually with two small metal tips at each end of which to grab on to. The wire itself is razor sharp, however, it passes through living substance as though an illusion (undead and constructs may still be affected).

[The Extinguisher]

I have created a lot of these. Other than using bags as a replacements for wands, scrolls and potions.

First of Bag of Angry Orcs. Like the Bag of Tricks, except it contains very angry orcs. Simple enough?

Everyone knows about the Belt of Many Pockets, right? How about the Pocket of Many Belts. Never be without pants support again.

Pocket of Many Pockets and Belt of Many Belts, taking it the logical extreme.

Robe of a Second Robe Underneath. Because anyone wearing TWO robes means buisness.

I'll see if I can remember any more.

EDIT: Oh yes. The Pants of Extra Turning and the Pants of Turn Reistance. The latter of which were parachute pants. On a lich.

[happyturtle]

I'm quite intrested in the idea of a bag that can be used to irreversibly lose objects.

So, could I sneak up on someone and slip the bag over their head? If you have to get the whole person in to destroy them, could you actually fit their whole body into such a bag? Even if you couldn't really do this, it's still an efficent way of making bodies and over incriminating evidence go away, even if you'd have to carve up the body first.

The bag doesn't eat you if you stick your hand into it. If you reach in, you pull out a cat, with your hand still attached to your arm, though possibly a bit scratched and bitten. Same with heads, if you find someone with a small enough head to fit into the bag. (Being stuck headfirst into a bag of cats might be a good torture method. :smallwink:) I don't know what would happen to any tiny living creature that managed to fit entirely into the bag. That is left as an exercise for the GM.

You could put bits of dismembered corpse in the bag, but expect them to turn up at inopportune moments as cat toys. "What do you have there, Mr Scruffy? OMG it's a human ear!!!!!!" :smalleek:

[happyturtle]

What happens if you drop a superball with a symbol of insanity into a bag of cat holding?

Some of the cats attack each other, some of the cats run amok, and some of the cats do nothing. In other words, no effect.

[Aquillion]

The Sword that Thirsts

This sword was made for a warlord who learned, belatedly, to be more specific when asking a mage to craft something for you. The weapon looks and behaves like an ornate +1 bastard sword, covered with nasty spikes and blood runnels and other intimidating things. In addition to this, it is perpetually thirsty, and will constantly make mental demands that its wielder allow it to drink (it is not truly intelligent, and cannot be communicated with in return -- it just occasionally declares its undying thirst.)

It will not, however, drink blood, and in fact blood only makes it more thirsty, since it is so salty. It prefers to drink pure mountain spring water, although alcoholic beverages are also acceptable. Note that failing to sate the sword's thirst has no mechanical penalty; its protests might grow slightly more frequent, but they are audible only to the wielder, and only while they actually have the sword in their hand.

However, this does grant the sword a few additional abilities: It can detect water or other potential beverages within 30 feet, and will articulate this detection to the wielder if it is in their hand. When dipped into a liquid, it can also identify whether or not a particular beverage is actually safe to drink; it will not, however, identify magical hazards, only mundane ones. Finally, it can (and will) drink any potable liquid it is dipped into at the rate of one gallon every round, making using it to test drinks fairly hazardous. It will not drink acid, seawater, stagnant water, or anything else that a normal human could not drink safely and comfortably.

Ring of Unclear Purpose

This ring registers strong enchantment when examined with Detect Magic or a similar spell. No other spell will ever reveal its abilities or purpose, which are strictly limited to those listed here; any detection will indicate that it is an item of great power, but will be unable to provide any other hints as to what it is intended to do. Treat as Magic Aura, but there is no will save to resist its effects.

Box of Mask Enchantment

Any object within this box appears completely non-magical to Detect Magic and similar spells, and radiates no aura. However, the box itself radiates strong enchantment, rendering this somewhat moot in most cases. Additionally, artifacts and similarly powerful items are unaffected.

Clothes of Tastelessness

These clothes appear elegant and noble on first inspection. However, when they are worn, they become gaudy, cheap-looking, and generally ugly. The person wearing them does not notice the change, and still sees them as they appeared originally.

Some sillier stuff...

What happens if you drop a superball with a symbol of insanity into a bag of cat holding?

Some of the cats attack each other, some of the cats run amok, and some of the cats do nothing. In other words, no effect.
Box of Cat Holding

Any cat placed in this box may or may not be subject to a Finger of Death effect (CL 20th, save DC 23). However, you should not actually roll to determine whether or not the cat is affected (or makes its save) until the box is opened or some divination effect is used to determine the cat's fate; when this happens (and only then) the cat has a 50% chance of having been affected when the box was closed, and a 50% chance of being unaffected.

Heisenberg's Ring of Nondetection

This ring appears to be a ring of Nondetection, granting protection as the spell. However, its protection is curiously limited; it will not block scrying that reveals the wear's location, nor will it block scrying that reveals the rate at which they are travelling, but it makes it totally impossible for anyone use scrying to learn both. Anyone who already knows the wearer's location will automatically fail at any attempts to magically determine their momentum, and vice-versa.

[Vorpal Soda]

Bag of Ejecting

Looks like a bag of holding, and functions just like one as well. Except however, upon opening the bag, all the contents are ejected violently. The bag itself experiences no recoil, but objects that used to be inside achieve considerable distance in the air. Items are rotated 180° upon ejection.

If the bag is torn, then the bag will completely rip to shreds, and the contents shot out in a fairly uniform pattern, all items are sent out with the end that entered the bag first pointing in the direction of the object's travel.

Not recommended for storing arrows; or anything at all, for that matter.

[MorkaisChosen]

Phylactery of Uncertainty

As Phylactery of Faithfulness, except whenever the wearer does anything, they recieve the impression that it might (but might not) cause them to lose favour with their God.

[FlyMolo]

Bag of Ejecting

Looks like a bag of holding, and functions just like one as well. Except however, upon opening the bag, all the contents are ejected violently. The bag itself experiences no recoil, but objects that used to be inside achieve considerable distance in the air. Items are rotated 180° upon ejection.

If the bag is torn, then the bag will completely rip to shreds, and the contents shot out in a fairly uniform pattern, all items are sent out with the end that entered the bag first pointing in the direction of the object's travel.

Not recommended for storing arrows; or anything at all, for that matter.

This would annoy your players once, and then they would exploit it. Shove a bunch of sharp rocks inside it, then point it at the bad guys and open.

[FMArthur]

Some new ideas:

Bag of Pilgrimage
Dump out this bag and magically created, confused, and trusting Commoners pour out. They behave like normal adult Commoners used to living under oppressive rule but have no origins except from this bag (and are easily commanded). Things that enter the bag completely, be they Commoners or other things, are teleported into a random Bag of Holding. 50 Commoners a day can be spawned from the bag.

Amulet of Rabble-Rousing
At spectacularly inopportune moments, the wearer of this amulet attracts a mob of angry peasants whose goal is to lynch the wearer of the amulet. Once a day, if the wearer fails a skill check and a 1d2 returns a 1, the mob of Commoners will be created. These Commoners are spontaneously created like in the Bag of Pilgrimage, but always appear somewhere out of sight of the wearer, nearby and knowing where the wearer was at the moment of their creation. They gain +5 to Diplomacy and Bluff to convince other Commoners to join them. They are automatically extremely hostile to the amulet's wearer and he/she takes a -5 penalty to all Diplomacy, Bluff and Intimidate checks made to subvert their wrath. The amulet itself is very lovely, though. A DC 22 Will Save can be attempted once a day to remove it.

Tumble Pants
Tumble Pants, generally tumbling around open areas regardless of wind or lack thereof, can be wrestled down and donned to gain special abilities. A character wearing Tumble Pants must always Tumble, even when stationary.
The wearer must pass a DC 20 Tumble check every round or be counted as prone until he/she can pass the check, even though the pants keep the wearer moving, which gives passed creatures attacks of opportunity. The DC of the check increases by 2 for every round that the wearer succeeds on the check, and resets to 20 when the wearer fails. The wearer must succeed on a DC 40 Tumble check to get out of the Tumble Pants after passing the current round's normal check, but the DC decreases by 2 for every round the wearer succeeds on the per-round Tumble check, and is reset to 40 when the wearer fails the per-round check.
The wearer of the pants, when succeeding on the Tumble check, gains a +4 unnamed AC bonus and moves at normal speed but counts as though he/she were Tumbling normally for all other purposes. When failing the check, the pants move their wearer in a random direction. After a number of hours equal to half his/her constitution score the wearer of the pants is fatigued for the rest of the day.

Helm of Epic Failure
The Helm of Epic Failure looks like a Helm of Brilliance in every way, possessing even the same degree of magical strength. A DC 30 Knowledge(Arcana) check will reveal however, that it is completely different. Made to embarrass people, this magic item was actually known in ancient times to have caused an inordinate number of deaths. It grants a +2 morale bonus to all skill checks, inflating the wearer's confidence without him/her being aware of it. But if any skill check is failed by 5 or more, the result is treated as if the wearer had rolled a natural -10 without bonuses.The results of failing so completely may vary with the DM, but here's a list anyway to give ideas:

Appraise: The user thinks that something valuable is worthless and feels compelled to wordlessly destroy it; the user thinks that something worthless is worth throwing his life's achievements away to obtain it. He could probably live on fame alone for having seen it.
Autohypnosis: You literally hypnotize yourself and count as being dazed for a while
Balance: You fall and rebound in a way that would normally have seemed impossible, into the most dangerous space within 20ft.
Bluff: Within a day your name is legend, told to people all over the world in the tale of the world's stupidest liar. Children who did not live at the time of your failed lies respond with can someone really be that dumb? to the story's telling, and you really do have to hide your identity or be unable to function in society.
Climb: You fall through the ground as if succeeding on the DC 600 Escape Artist check to osmose through it at falling speed. After a round you stop and take the falling damage, and have to dig yourself out or suffocate.
Concentration: You can't concentrate for the next three days. At all.
Craft: Your creation is so poor that trying to give it to anyone immediately makes them hostile to you. Anyone seeing you making it is also hostile.
Decipher Script: You misread it coherently in a completely different language with harmful effects. The text you thought you read was "How to Craft Enragingly Terrible Furniture" even though it was another wizard's first level spell list.
Diplomacy: You say the thing that you feel that would cause the most people to attack you without allowing an explanation. You probably didn't molest him, but even he believes it now.
Disable Device: You empower whatever device it is you are trying to disable. Traps set off in this manner have double their numeric effects, for instance.
Disguise: You're quite naked. Somehow everyone can see your full name, address, goals and desires painted on your chest. It will forever be a mystery how they did, though.
Escape Artist: Whatever you did, you did it wrong. Your manacles are tougher than steel now, the water tank you are being lowed into has a kraken in it, and you've given people around you the distinct impression that you will not be freed willingly.
Forgery: You're fooled, but nobody else is. You can't quite remember when the deed to the king's castle came into your possession, but you unfailingly believe that he gave it to you. What a double-crosser.
Gather Information: You gain no information, and suffer complete amnesia of the events that lead you here.
Handle Animal: The growling and roaring are signs of deep personal trust that can only come from a bond so strong as that between you and this animal. Its affection is quite painful.
Heal: "I'm not injured!" Are you the doctor? I didn't think so. Now hold still and let me saw off your legs so we can take a look at that brain tumor.
Hide: How did they spot you? You remembered the bright red tape. The waving of arms, the shining of lights in their direction, the makeshift flares you fired into the sky above your position, all perfectly practiced and perfectly executed. It's as if you were so obvious that they could see you through walls.
Intimidate: Somehow, your power was actually diminished by your trying to show it off. And they noticed.
Jump: You missed. You missed completely. Not only did your feet miss the ground, but you fell as if aiming in the opposite direction you intended to go, and still wound up in the worst place you could have.
Knowledge: Sometimes, you're just a jackass trying to sound impressive by spouting "facts" that you really just made up on the spot. Luckily for you, this isn't one of those times. People are staring at you, though. It's like they thought you didn't know the first clue about... whatever you were just talking about. You'll remember later. What a bunch of morons.
Listen: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Everyone near you stares at you in alarm while you yell, apparently for the sake of yelling, preventing any and all listening to anything else but you for a long distance.
Move Silently: The least suspicious person is the person who calls attention to himself the absolute most that he can. They won't actually believe they heard you if you openly declare yourself and your intentions in loud, clear terms. It'll almost be like a free ticket to wander about with impunity.
Open Lock: Even if you had the key, it broke. The keys kept elsewhere have broken in an unrelated coincidence at the moment you tried to pick the unpickable lock. What did peasants have to hide in their straw huts, anyway? Truly, something suspicious was going on. If only you could find a way past the curtain of beads to see what was inside...
Perform: You lose money for performing so badly. You're now among the top targets of assassination in the nation. Your "morale bonus" made everyone in a 1 mile radius fail whatever they were doing except in the cases of extreme talent.
Profession: There's something seriously wrong with you. You can't just hire big half-ogres to drag your old-lady consumer base to your store to sell your deadly fine china dishes to. The law enforcement has banned the sale and creation of all dinner plates in the country because of your actions, in fact.
Psicraft: You fell asleep standing up. That takes real talent to do at such a crucial moment.
Ride: The horse is enjoying the luxurious comfort. You, on the other hand, have to make seemingly impossible strength checks just to move the damned carriage. How do the normal horse-riders go through with this just to travel?
Search: I found it! I found the dragon we were looking for! "How did you find a Huge fire breathing over-CR monster in the damned broom closet!?" :smalleek:
Sense Motive: You really think that we should all trust this lich-looking guy - who you say is not a lich - enough that slaughtering our families and our nation will bring about unspecified, ambiguous good in the world, and that said unspecified, ambiguous good (more implied, really. He didn't actually promise anything, but he's trustworthy) is somehow worth it, even to our families...
Sleight of Hand: Body-checked old lady in front of city guard to take her purse? Check. Tripped over own feet to do it, and being arrested ridiculously easily as a result? Check. Old lady walks away, unaware of your life savings you mistakenly placed in her purse, which she still has? Check. Truly a master of the art.
Spellcraft: Yeah... roll to see which god of magic you've mortally offended through your unmitigated ineptitude.
Spot: You notice your eyelashes. All things beyond that distance from your eyes may as well be invisible to you.
Survival: You kill and eat yourself for sustenance out in the woods.
Swim: Walking on the ocean floor as a means of swimming may have been a bad idea, considering your buoyancy, but it was funny to see you try.
Tumble: You KO yourself and maintain your momentum for a round doing it.
Use Magic Device: There is no excuse for thinking that breaking it in half would be the trigger.
Use Psionic Device: Mindrape from inanimate objects with no will of their own is very difficult to get yourself out of.
Use Rope: The rope bit you as though it were a highly poisonous snake, even though it is not and no magical effects are taking place. You're just that incompetent.

[seedjar]

I like taking these items and giving them hidden functionality. My favorite is the "ring" that does something stupid on your finger but has an actual function that's activation is more obscure. Ring of Know-Your-Own-Birthday => Eyepiece of Carbon Dating, etc. Who says everything the party finds is Medium sized? In my world, a magic choker made for a Tiny humanoid is about the size of a ring and the magical resizing doesn't happen until you try to wear it on your neck.
~Joe

[Draz74]

Phylactery of Uncertainty

As Phylactery of Faithfulness, except whenever the wearer does anything, they recieve the impression that it might (but might not) cause them to lose favour with their God.

This reminds me of the infamous Coin of Question Answering which, when asked a "yes/no question" and flipped into the air, has a 50% chance of telling you the correct answer.

[monty]

Amulet of Swarm of Bees. Gives you that one feat that turns your hand into a swarm.

[Kurald Galain]

Cloak of Almost-Invisibility

It's a gray cloak, that confers Greater Invisibility while worn. However, the first time the wearer tries to use this to fool a genuinely dangerous (CR-appropriate) enemy, the cloak flares with brightly purple swirls, and emits an annoying twinkling noise. The wearer automatically fails any attempts at hiding, moving silently, becoming invisibile, or otherwise attempting to be stealthy. The cloak is visible even in magical darkness, and audible even in magical silence. Once this happens, the cloak cannot be removed except via Remove Curse.

[sonofzeal]

Amulet of Swarm of Bees. Gives you that one feat that turns your hand into a swarm.
I like my coffee like I like my women.....:smallcool:

[The Extinguisher]

I like my coffee like I like my women.....:smallcool:

Covered in insects?

Whatever floats your boat.

[nargbop]

I like my coffee like I like my women.....:smallcool:

Full of nectar and ready to return home to vomit up her daily bread? Honey, that is?

[Hal]

I gave this to one of my players. They were more amused by it than anything else.

Fabulous Helm
When worn, this helm emits neon pink light out to 60', and shadowy illumination out to 120'. In addition, the helm causes any other armor, including shields, worn by its wearer to emit the same light. This results in a -20 penalty to Hide and Intimidate checks.

[drengnikrafe]

Ring of Smooth Moves
The wearer gains the ability to use Otto's Irrisistable Dance as a spell like ability infinite times per day. The only catch? You can only cast it on yourself.

Megadrilltank of Crushing (Dispair)
It's... a very, very large drilltank. It only have 2 problems. While it can deal insane amounts of damage, and drill through the very earth itself, it casts Crushing Dispair on you, so you're crying too hard to use the controls, causing it to short out. Also, while it's sitting there, nonfunctional, you either suffocate from lack of air (you are, in fact, inside of the drilltank), or a rock falls on you.

Gun of Singular Transportal
It's like the gun from Portal (d20 future, only, I guess), except... it only shoots out one portal. And the portal cannot link to anything, and doesn't go anywhere. It just sits there: A portal leading nowhere that isn't even open. How sad.

[Irreverent Fool]

You know the Robe of Useful THings?

Robe of Useless things. It has infinite items, but never anything useful to what's going on. Let's say you're eating soup from your awesome new boots. The Robe of Useful Things will have a spoon for you. You would get a Fork from the Robe of Useless Things.

There was one of these in 2nd edition. I recall seeing it in my Encyclopedia Magica.

...yes, here we are. First printed in Polyhedron Magazine 156. Detaching one of the oddly-shaped patches on the garment can cause it to become...

A bag containing 1,000 lead pieces
A 1-inch length of rope
One pair of high, hard boots, halfling size
A wooden ladder, 25' long, with three rungs
Half a pair of safety scissors
A string of electrical Christmas tree lights
A rubber dagger and a glass shield (matched set)
A Book of Exalted Deeds, written entirely in Theives' Cant
A pint of sovereign glue (undiluted with oil of slipperiness) in a tightly sealed unbreakable bottle
A treasure map pinpointing the exact location of an immense hoard, relative to "the old oak tree", "the big rock", "the woodcutter's shack", and "the bend in the river" (extraneous details such as the name of the kingdom or continent are omitted)
A 25th-century, death-ray handgun, 100% accurate within 300 feet, that kills anything it hits (batteries not included)
A letter from Ed McMahon, telling the PCs they may have already won $20 million
A normal bo stick, jo stick, awl pike, fauchard, partisan, and mancatcher. (In the history of the AD&D game, has any PC willingly become proficient with any of these weapons?)
Half a bucket of fresh, orc beer
A wanted poster (600,000 gp bounty) for an ex-paladin gone really bad who's 20 levels higher than the highest-level PC.

[Chronos]

Let me rephrase those...

1: A bag full of a nigh-limitless amount of sling ammunition
2: A piece of kindling sufficient to start a decent-sized fire
3: A couple of doorstops (or boots, if you happen to be Small)
4: A couple of poles that can be used to poke and prod at things 25' away
5: An improvised dagger
6: A length of decorative twine
7: A large number of single-use daggers or shuriken, conveniently packaged in one piece
8: The best item ever, for my old gnomish cleric/thief
9: A small unbreakable object
10: Legend Lore fodder (surely, an "immense treasure" as claimed there would be legendary)
11: A device for turning a Shocking Grasp spell into a Disintegrate spell
12: More Legend Lore fodder (who is this Ed McMahon guy, and where is this huge treasure he's offering?)
13: A bunch of long poles of various shapes
14: A weapon of humiliation, which also makes the target easier to track by scent
15: A perfect opportunity to exploit the party's disguise capabilities

Yeah, I'd take that item in a heartbeat.

[Squidmaster]

I'm not sure how to stat it out, but my DM gave us a book that read out loud whatever was written inside it.
I thought it was cool (especially since it had several blank pages), but the rest of our party just sold it off for bigger weapons :smallsigh:

that was me right??

Any way, pitcher of limited water: once a day the pitcher can produce enough water to fill itself

[Freelance Henchman]

Ring of Imaginary Zombiefication
A humanoid putting on this ring instantly becomes utterly convinced he is a zombie, including an insatiable hunger for brainnnssss. The enchantment disappears instantly the moment he successfully bites any living creature.

Lamp of Shyness
This everburning, magical lamp can be turned on and off with a command word, but it goes out whenever any creature looks directly at it.

Ring of Evading
Unlike the Ring of Evasion, this ring will actively avoid being damaged by jumping from the wearer's finger if he is about to be attacked. The ring will even hop away magically if someone tries to damage it when not worn.

Rapier of Zee
This +1 rapier always leaves slashing wounds shaped liked the letter 'Z'.

Bag of Wind
A leather bag that seems to emit air at all times. Opening it will give off a light gust of air from the opening, if it is closed, air escapes slightly noisily from every little hole and stitching of the bag. It is otherwise a normal bag. It is not usable as an air source for underwater adventures though since the gas it emits contains no oxygen.

[dspeyer]

Incredibly powerful but useless to adventurers:

Slate of Prime Factorization: write an integer on the top half and the bottom half will show its prime factorization, instantly, no matter how large the number. (give this to any metagamers who previously 'invented' RSA -- after it's been implemented on a large scale)

Turning Cubes Device: straight out of Pratchett, this artifact is two cubes that rotate relative to each-other with enough torque to power an industrialized city.

Flask of Everflowing Potion of Cure Disease: we want this one so badly in the real world, but when was the last time disease appeared in a DnD game?

Make Some Sense:

Mirror of Communication with an Unhelpful Dragon: two mirrors were once enchanted so that the possessors could converse at will despite distance and planes. One wound up in the horde of a dragon way above your CR. You have the other. While the dragon is sometimes willing to chat, he never tells you anything useful.

Fireproof Lace Curtains: not heavy enough to smother a fire, just won't burn themselves

Cradle of Sleep: anyone placed in the cradle is effected by a sleep spell for four hours (DC 15)

Clothing of Eternal Cleanliness: not that adventurers ever wash theirs anyway...

Just silly:

Hitchiker's Guide to Dungeon Crawls: contains information on every subject, some of it accurate but all of it beautiful. Also gives a +4 circumstance bonus on saves against panic (not fear, just panic).

End of the World Button: push it and the world ends

[tyckspoon]

Turning Cubes Device: straight out of Pratchett, this artifact is two cubes that rotate relative to each-other with enough torque to power an industrialized city.


This one's far from useless.. the same sort of players who try to reproduce advanced cryptography schemes will do insane things with an eternal, easily-managed power source (they're probably already doing it with Decanters of Endless Water, really.) At least you could reasonably call for a Knowledge check in a field none of them are likely to have taken. That'll put off the mech-building until they find an appropriate Sage.

[Chronos]

At least you could reasonably call for a Knowledge check in a field none of them are likely to have taken. That'll put off the mech-building until they find an appropriate Sage.Or until the binder in the party binds Halphax tomorrow.

[FlyMolo]

That fail helmet is pretty awesome.

And the turning cubes-thing. Love that book, btw.

And it's sadly not even that helpful, because keeping it chained to anything would be nigh impossible. Put enough load on it, and it'll snap its gears like matchboxes. A huge flywheel would help, I think. And an adamantine gear cast around it, because otherwise it would break so hard.