I need help with a roommate

[valadil]

I have a roommate who is a complete slacker. He's also manipulative and disrespecting to the rest of us. He's a big part of why I'm moving out at the end of the month.

I got an email from him saying that he's wondering if he's offended me in some way because I've been pissy lately, and that he apologizes for whatever he's done. I've been troubling over how to respond all day.

My problem is that I have a hard time expressing criticism without being offensive or jokey. And if I start doing that then he'll be able to dismiss whatever I say. I still consider this person a friend, though he has some serious social downfalls, so I want to get through to him rather than just get some verbal retribution. I need help figuring out where that line is between being mean and being honest.

Just to avoid being vague, my issue with the guy comes from his tendency to do things at our expense. We have to either endure it or be a jerk when we make him stop. It also means that he's always getting away with stuff and then apologizing. I don't mind that sort of thing every so often, but he's constantly acting in his own interest and then delivering a nice, heartfelt apology after the fact (and after it's too late for him to do anything besides apologize to make up for it).

Any ideas?

[Copacetic]

Make a rule. Make him buy you a case of beer or something rather then just an apology. Make it worthwhile for him to stop. He'll fight the system for a whle, then stop. I hope.

[Player_Zero]

Since you're moving out, what's the point in criticizing him, constructive or no? You're not going to be able to completely turn around his personality with a conversation or two, and in a few weeks you won't ever have to see him. What's the problem?

[Twin2]

Ignore it, and endure until you get out.

[Hoggy]

Burn his house down.

[Player_Zero]

Burn his house down.

And then gun him down if he tries to flee!

...And then find out where his family leaves and do them slow!

And kill all the witnesses! Lay siege to humanity! Let the fools who stand before me know fear and despair. DOOM! DESTRUCTION! DEATH AND MAYHEM! LET PANDEMONIUM BE UNLEASED UNTO THIS FOOLS PARADISE!

...Or my previous advice was good too. One of the two.

[valadil]

Since you're moving out, what's the point in criticizing him, constructive or no? You're not going to be able to completely turn around his personality with a conversation or two, and in a few weeks you won't ever have to see him. What's the problem?

Part of me secretly hopes that I'll help him out with a conversation or two. I don't want or expect him to change his personality, but he should be aware that some of his behavior is not socially acceptable and people will react negatively to it. More realistically and selfishly, because if I sit back and take it and then walk away silently I'll feel like I let myself get stepped on all year and didn't even put up a fight.

Also, this isn't someone that I'd like to write off. We were friends before this and it's not the first time I've roomed with him. He was a perfectly good roommate before this year. He's depressed now because he hasn't had a job all year. No, that doesn't justify his acting like a turd, but I'm hoping that once he gets a job he'll act like a person again. Much as I dislike his presence right now I couldn't justify ditching someone I considered a friend because they happened to be depressed.



Make a rule. Make him buy you a case of beer or something rather then just an apology. Make it worthwhile for him to stop. He'll fight the system for a whle, then stop. I hope.

That may have worked months ago, but with me 3 weeks from leaving the apartment, it won't do any good.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Your response to his e-mail is simple enough. It's something I realized long after all my old friends ran for the hills.


There comes a time when "I'm sorry" loses all meaning. Welcome to that time.

It's unfortunately true. One cannot expect their friends to be enternally tolerant of poor behavior. I treated a couple of friends like utter and complete trash decades ago, and I miss them to this day. But you know what? I dug that hole like a professional, and now I have stand in it.

Not all life lessons can be as fun as learning what the song "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" really means.

[xPANCAKEx]

if you're going to have it out with him, make sure its a one-session-only thing

If you're too much of a wimp to tell him how hes pissed you off, then you need to get that into check. You seem well aware of the point that joking yourself out of an uncomfortable situation isn't going to help, and the fact that you've not ever discussed the problems with him before suggests you prefer to avoid confrontation. That aversion has to go right out the window for this one to work.

You will need to be explicitly clear, both with yourself, and with him about the things that have annoyed you.

By not confronting him, you are ruining a friendship with a person you otherwise like, having to move home (a very long way to go to avoid confrontation), and lowering your own self worth and self esteem. If he treats you unfairly then you should stand up for yourself.

it sounds like he needs a kick up the ass - as a friend, you should be the one to do it

[Collin152]

Burn his house down.

Hit him with a bat.
Shoot him with a gun.
Light the house on fire if he tries to run.
Tie him to a chair.
Throw him in a lake.
Rifle through his room, see what there is to take.
Everybody loves a roomate!
Everybody's bosom friend!
But send him back an email, tell him you're already at your end.


Dying to get on your good side.

[sktarq]

Say you like him as a person but his behavior makes it not worth living with him. You need things out of a roommate relationship that is different than just being friends, responsibilities are higher. Sorry only goes so far, and can only be used so often.

my 2 cp


And I totally know how this one goes....I think I have 3 of my 7 roommates that fit the above description. :smallfurious:

[valadil]

If you're too much of a wimp to tell him how hes pissed you off, then you need to get that into check. You seem well aware of the point that joking yourself out of an uncomfortable situation isn't going to help, and the fact that you've not ever discussed the problems with him before suggests you prefer to avoid confrontation.

...

By not confronting him, you are ruining a friendship with a person you otherwise like, having to move home (a very long way to go to avoid confrontation),

...


it sounds like he needs a kick up the ass - as a friend, you should be the one to do it

I actually have confronted him about it before. The problem is that either he ignores what I say or I turn the legit criticism into an insult, which he dismisses because he thinks I'm just being mean for its own sake. Also, I'm leaving the apartment because I'm moving in with my girlfriend. He's given me reason to look forward to moving, but I wouldn't say he's the sole reason.

I do agree on the third point though, that I'm in the position/have the responsibility to tell him what's up. I just want to make sure that I say so in a serious enough manner than he actually listens.

[Solo]

Say goodbye.

[Dancing_Zephyr]

You sound like someone I know who attends JAAW.

[xPANCAKEx]

I do agree on the third point though, that I'm in the position/have the responsibility to tell him what's up. I just want to make sure that I say so in a serious enough manner than he actually listens.

be prepared - you'll usually brake down into joking/being overly mocking when you're left to ad lib the situation

if you know EXACTLY which issues you want to address, and what points you need to make then you'll be on the right track. Think it through properly - and if it seems like hes not taking it seriously, then walk away. It wouldn't be worth wasting your breathe

[Tempest Fennac]

In this case, coming across as insulting would probably be a good thing. I prefer to be diplomatic, but I find a lot of the time that people tend not to respond to reason. On the other hand, if they get genuinly offended, they may change their behaviour (if they don't, they couldn't have honestly been offended by the comments).

[valadil]

In this case, coming across as insulting would probably be a good thing. I prefer to be diplomatic, but I find a lot of the time that people tend not to respond to reason. On the other hand, if they get genuinly offended, they may change their behaviour (if they don't, they couldn't have honestly been offended by the comments).

I've tried being insulting. It may annoy him more short term, but it's easier to brush it off.

Case in point, when I announced I was moving out he was stressing (though not actually doing anything about) finding a replacement.

He said, "it's gonna really suck to pay extra rent if we can't replace you."

"Yeah, [other roommate] and your dad won't like that one bit."

What he takes out of that exchange is that I'm mean for pointing out that he's too lazy to get a job. Emphasis on the "I'm mean" part. I need the emphasis to be on the part where he screwed up.

[xPANCAKEx]

remind us all again why you even call this person a "friend" - by the sounds of it they're an emotional and financial leech.

the sooner you are fre of them, the sooner your own life will improve

selfishness is awesome.

[valadil]

remind us all again why you even call this person a "friend"

Because this is someone I've known for 7 years and he's only been like this for the past year or so. He was perfectly reasonable in college, but hasn't done a damn thing since then. I think once he gets a real job he'll be in a better place and may even act like a worthwhile human being again.

[Serpentine]

Well, he brought this up in an email, so just respond in kind. It sounded like you're mostly worried about how to say it without being "offensive or jokey", so I'd say just get the facts out there without any extra. Put down the facts of what exactly he's been doing that has been annoying you, in dot points, and maybe mention that you're concerned that your friendship, which would be fine otherwise, is being put in jeopardy by living together.

[potatocubed]

Put down the facts of what exactly he's been doing that has been annoying you, in dot points

It seems like a silly thing to emphasise, but seriously - bullet points. A bulleted list looks formal and commands attention in a way that a paragraph of stuff doesn't.

[Fridesgerte]

Here's another suggestion if you decide to respond by email. Write what you want to say and don't send it. Sit on it for at least a day, then re-read it. If it really says what you want to say, without being snide or sarcastic or whatever, then send it. Otherwise, edit it until it does.