Relationship Woes & Advice, Part V

[Flickerdart]

Bah, she couldn't make it, and we rescheduled for Ghost Town on Wednesday. On the plus side, I'm more sure that she likes me, at least a bit. Now I have a question.

Should I bring anything for her? I was thinking flowers would be too ridiculous, but maybe it would be a nice gesture? And go a long way to making my intentions clear, at that. XD And I suppose I should pay for her ticket, too.

[paladin_carvin]

Bah, she couldn't make it, and we rescheduled for Ghost Town on Wednesday. On the plus side, I'm more sure that she likes me, at least a bit. Now I have a question.

Should I bring anything for her? I was thinking flowers would be too ridiculous, but maybe it would be a nice gesture? And go a long way to making my intentions clear, at that. XD And I suppose I should pay for her ticket, too.

Charming, but a bit awkward this day and age. It's simple: go to the movies, pay for the tickets, and when she goes 'Can I have [insert favourite concession stand food]' say yes. Don't mention the price, don't mention anything about movie concession inflation. Be a happy customer to the guy who gets it. It will say much more than flowers. :smallwink:

[The Extinguisher]

1) Go for more: You can go about this two ways. The 'right' and the 'wrong' way. The 'right way': tell her that you like her, and that you want to go out with her. Show her all the reasons why you mesh so well and how happy you make each other. Tell her to leave long distance dude for you. The wrong way is seduction; the subtle waltz into the dark side of cheating. Crazy, passionate and thrilling, but with a high chance of back fire. I've done the later and it lasted only a month, but I don't regret it. It wasn't with a close friend though, so it may not be such a good idea. Doing things the right way though, that is my suggestion for you. It's what I would do. Both of these give the risk of ruining things, but I'd say they are safe wagers against having a very meaningful, wonderful and/or exciting relationship.


That's my main problem. I don't know how I feel about this. She's known him for a lot longer than she has me, and I would feel horrible breaking up a relationship like that (mostly because that has happened to me). And I'm not even sure if I do like her like that, or even if the situation is as I'm making it out to be, and I'm just exagerating it all.

As far as I can tell, it's not hurting anything right now. I might jsut stay as is, and wait a while.

Damn it, friendships suck when it comes to these things. I think I'm just going to run away and live in a cave.

[mercurymaline]

Well, yeah, that helps him, but the issue is not an anonymous potential female, it's her, another friend. I say he did well by warning her first. . .


Women go into a relationship expecting a man to change, and he never does.
Men go into a relationship expecting a woman to never change, and she always does.


. . .and warning her is much easier than changing him.

Agreed, but treating the symptoms is only temporary. One should try to cure the problem, if possible.

[paladin_carvin]

That's my main problem. I don't know how I feel about this. She's known him for a lot longer than she has me, and I would feel horrible breaking up a relationship like that (mostly because that has happened to me). And I'm not even sure if I do like her like that, or even if the situation is as I'm making it out to be, and I'm just exagerating it all.

As far as I can tell, it's not hurting anything right now. I might jsut stay as is, and wait a while.

Damn it, friendships suck when it comes to these things. I think I'm just going to run away and live in a cave.

I will say, I've been on both ends of this. All in all, I can say that unless you use tricks or lies, or force her into having to make a decision (ie, it will end the friendship) what she decides to do is her decision. If he can't provide enough reason for her to say no, I don't think it's exactly fair to either of them to stick in that relationship. Still, keeping things the same isn't a bad idea. You're not hurting anyone like that. Enjoy where you are... if you see your time to 'take action', consider taking it. For now, just enjoy life. Why would you want to go live in a cave? You sound like you have quite an enjoyable friendship going on. Seize the day, my friend- Carpe Diem baby.

[Jim Profit]

I just post my feelings/problems on livejournal, lol!

It saves people the trouble of having to read it. That way, they can't complain it was forced on them, and all the same, they can't complain when I say their advise is crap as they invited themselves for that by replying lawl.

So if you feel like reading it, go ahead, if you don't, then ignore this post. Trying to make some more livejournal buddies anyway..

http://jimprofitanon.livejournal.com/7371.html
(And incase you havn't noticed, I like animu..)

But if it makes any viewers feel better, I think I know who the guy is. I used logical deduction to figure it out. I'll have to test my theory next-time I encounter him..

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EvilVersusEvil
You ladies really gotta' stop learning to like the badboys.. lol!

[Syka]

I will say, I've been on both ends of this. All in all, I can say that unless you use tricks or lies, or force her into having to make a decision (ie, it will end the friendship) what she decides to do is her decision. If he can't provide enough reason for her to say no, I don't think it's exactly fair to either of them to stick in that relationship. Still, keeping things the same isn't a bad idea. You're not hurting anyone like that. Enjoy where you are... if you see your time to 'take action', consider taking it. For now, just enjoy life. Why would you want to go live in a cave? You sound like you have quite an enjoyable friendship going on. Seize the day, my friend- Carpe Diem baby.

I can come up with a damn good reason- it makes him uncomfortable. I know I wouldn't be comfortable with my boyfriend cuddling with another girl or sleeping in the same bed as her. I wouldn't go so far as saying him paying for things, as long as she does the same, but the physical side would bug me. But that's me, he might be fine with it.

And yes, "I'm not comfortable with you doing that with someone else" is a perfectly valid excuse- no one would argue if someone said they didn't want their SO having sex with another person, which the only reason they have for that really is "I'm not comfortable with it".

Cheers,
Syka

[Jibar]

Whew. Been a while since I posted here.
But I have absurd things and good things.

But yes, there is a girl whom I am liking very much.
...Borat?
Anyway, there is someone else that likes her but who her mother doesn't like. Her mother said she couldn't bring him to their house, so she was upset today. I asked her sister (a friend of mine) what was up and when she told me I agreed, you wouldn't want him in your house (he's not a nice guy, but he's absolutely horrible in relationships. Very much a "I want what I can't have, and when I get it, I don't care anymore").
But she hugged me after. Her sister I mean. Because she doesn't know how bad this guy is, and her mother is going off what her sister has said. So her sister asked if she could call me later and get me to tell her mother just how not nice this guy is.
That's the absurd part. I'm not sure if she was serious or not, but I'm keeping an eye on my phone anyway.
The good part is that while talking to her sister, she let slip that she likes me a lot too. And that she has been saying she should go out with me and not the other guy. That made me feel so good.

...

:biggrin:

Yeeeeeeeeee!

[Headless_Ninja]

Can this be about non-romantic relationships? Because there's a friend that I'm worried doesn't really care about or respect me much. Today she joked about how she didn't really listen to me and said that she felt bad about it. I felt like I was finally making some headway, but then that afternoon I started talking to her and she was just staring at something else. I was right next to her, and she just blanked me. I looked over at another friend and we both laughed about it, but I felt really down about it. A lot of the time my friends will talk amongst themselves and when I make a comment they won't hear it or respond to it - I've been told I'm not very loud and anyway, what seems very interesting to me probably isn't very interesting to them, so I can kind of understand that - but with her, I really feel like sometimes she just doesn't think I'm worth the effort. We've been friends for quite a while and I feel very close to her (and she's even described me as 'like a brother' before) but she just isn't the same person to me when someone she thinks is more interesting is around as she is when it's just the two of us. I could jusrt about get over the time when the two of us and her boyfriend were in town and she chatted to us both equally for about half an hour before ignoring me completely, but when we're in a group of friends that are usually very tight-knit and she ignores me or puts me down and everyone just laughs along because they think I don't mind (and I'd probably be judged as highly-strung if I made a fuss about it), I can't stand it.
EDIT: Heh, just noticed how teenage-angsty this is. Oh well... If it helps the relevance, I also have a long-lasting (year-long) crush on this girl, but I don't think that affects this - I get just as upset when other people do the same thing. And now I think about it, it happens a lot. It makes me hate my friends, which makes me feel terrible. Is this post allowed in this thread?

[sktarq]

@ sktarq:
It doesn't seem like this friend of yours is intentionally behaving this way, have you ever spoken to him about it?...Rather than warning girls off him, he needs help to change his own behavior.

Call his behavior Abnormal would just be a pat on the back with him. He has chosen to live his life by taking what is going on RIGHT NOW and living it for all it is worth. Either telling him what do to (like take it slow or this is what you are doing you should stop) may get nods and a hounddog look if I'm lucky but will have about as much medium term effect as legal negotiations with a hurricane. It's only my own "quieter" intensity that keeps us friends. Changing or talking to him, especially because its about emotional stuff, is worse than useless; it's counterproductive.

Quincunx: As for mentioning his legal issues as "tangled" I like it. May do that. We only met this girl on Friday so I think I'd have time to drop a warning before things got THAT deep but good point.

And it is not as if I don't want them to hook up. She may well be looking for a short high intensity no long term strings type thing which makes it harder to point out his many flaws.

Skya, you are right he isn't a very healthy person for most people to be around on an extended basis. We are still friend because I don't react the same way to him. I saw his troubles not his bounciness. We are both highly intence people but mine is darker, more controled, and less extroverted. He is the bouncy puppy that leads you into trouble or bites you randomly...people just think I'm going to hunt them down and eat them without a clue on why. We work well together.

[Gem Flower]

GAH!:smallfurious: My friend told the guy I have a crush on I like him! I was going to tell him, but was gonna wait a while! WHAT DO I DO?

[Syka]

GAH!:smallfurious: My friend told the guy I have a crush on I like him! I was going to tell him, but was gonna wait a while! WHAT DO I DO?

If he asks you if it's true, say yes. *shrug*

I've had it happen. Worst part with mine, is the guy already knew, but this girl insisted on telling him. God, that was mortifying. It was right in front of me, too. I already knew what his reaction (shrugging it off) would be, so it made it a ton worse.

Cheers~

[Gem Flower]

But saying yes is a bad thing at the moment!

[Syka]

Why is that?

Cheers,
Syka

[Gem Flower]

Okay, so I have pretty bad acne. Otherwise, I am quite pretty. Unfortunately, the only people my age who can look past the acne are two guys who I am totally not interested in. However, I am on prescription acne medication, so my acne should be completely gone by October. I was going to tell him once I am a bit less insecure in my looks, just 'cuz it would make me feel better.

[Pyrian]

Well, if he takes action based on what your friend told him, then you have to react to that, for better or worse. Otherwise, you can just go ahead with your plan, really, except you may want to preface it as "I still..." Or, you can just bite the bullet and ask what he thinks now; lots of guys do not consider acne a deal breaker.

[Gem Flower]

I probably know that. I'm just insecure about my appearance. However, I have also been told he likes another girl, one who likes him back. I don't want him to know 'til I find out if they're going to date, and if they are to wait to tell him until they break up. I'm so confused....

[Syka]

Well, they aren't dating now. So he's still fair game. :smallamused:

That said, I also had/have quite bad acne. If I'm not on Differin, it gets decently bad. One of my friends is actually now on Acutane because shes 25 and nothing else has worked on hers. My boyfriend (her ex, I knew him before her) has never had a problem with it. When I'd complain about mine (I went off the meds for a few months because I ran out and the Pill was working, but it stopped) he was confused as to why it was such a big deal to me.

Sometimes, you can't choose how life will throw curveballs at you. Roll with the punches, and you'll be fine. :)

Cheers~

[alchemyprime]

GEM FLOWER

Hey. I used to have HORRIBLE acne. Had a decent girlfriend while I did too. With age it clears up.

Or use my methods. Amoxycillin, Mary Kay acne scrub, chamomile tea and about a thousand sunburns. Clears it right up!

Now to deal with this skin cancer... :P

The following advice is not for the faint of heart.

But yeah, one thing you better pray you don't get (like I did) is all of your acne dissappearing but getting lipomas on your neck and shoulders.

Giant. Infected. Fat Deposits. Act just like a zit, but it you pop them, you actually get sunk in parts of your body. My shoulders are pitted now. As is a bit on my chest. :smallfrown:

They scar over really bad too. These things suck. So I need to get the amoxycillin on occasion. Which makes me sunburn worse. Which is to say on vampire-like levels.

So yeah. Pray for no lipomas.



Hope everything works out!

On another note...

EVERYONE!

Since Syka has Cheers, I'll have this if ye like it.


- Trying to turn lead into awesome.
Alchemyprime


What do ya think?

[reorith]

so the girl i ran into the other day that liked the terminator films is a fan of stargate sg-1, so i'm not going to pursue this any further. i have better uses for my time and resources.

[Syka]

So, SG-1 is an automatic blacklisting? :smallconfused:

Sorry, just curious. I could understand if she, like, sacrificed kittens to the Dark Lord or something, but a TV show?

Cheers,
Syka

[reorith]

So, SG-1 is an automatic blacklisting? :smallconfused:

Sorry, just curious. I could understand if she, like, sacrificed kittens to the Dark Lord or something, but a TV show?

Cheers,
Syka

pretty much. same with any other part of the stargate franchise. everytime some one mentions a stargate, all i can think about is hello.jpg from that internet site that has a shocking image.

[Jokerz]

Ok, I'm not sure that this is the right place, but it said "woes" so here I go.
I was in England for a summer camp, and I met this amazing girl. Kinda hot, but she was smart, funny, and snarky. She was totally amazing, like I said. I kept on wanting to ask her out, but I never got up the courage, not even on the day before the camp ended. We were on the same bus to the airport, and before she left, I gave her a... hug. And then she went to Hong Kong.:smallfrown: So yeah, I'll probably never see her again, and I lost a great chance... and I think that she liked me too. Sigh... She even complained about never being asked out because everyone thought of her as "one of the guys". I just feel sad about that, and I still wish that I had asked her out.
... Infodump over. Just for the record, I'm, like, never on this forum, so don't be suprised if I don't post here in a while. See ya.

[reorith]

Ok, I'm not sure that this is the right place, but it said "woes" so here I go.
I was in England for a summer camp, and I met this amazing girl. Kinda hot, but she was smart, funny, and snarky. She was totally amazing, like I said. I kept on wanting to ask her out, but I never got up the courage, not even on the day before the camp ended. We were on the same bus to the airport, and before she left, I gave her a... hug. And then she went to Hong Kong.:smallfrown: So yeah, I'll probably never see her again, and I lost a great chance... and I think that she liked me too. Sigh... She even complained about never being asked out because everyone thought of her as "one of the guys". I just feel sad about that, and I still wish that I had asked her out.
... Infodump over. Just for the record, I'm, like, never on this forum, so don't be suprised if I don't post here in a while. See ya.

there are going to be other chances. just not with her. shake it off and stop dwelling on it.

or highjack a plane and fly it to hong kong. women love a bad boy.

[paladin_carvin]

I probably know that. I'm just insecure about my appearance. However, I have also been told he likes another girl, one who likes him back. I don't want him to know 'til I find out if they're going to date, and if they are to wait to tell him until they break up. I'm so confused....

Aaah, to be so young again. *sighs dreamily, thinking about the past through IMAGINE-O-VISION(TM)* Anyway...

Listen, if you are in the point in your life where things are still referred to as crushes, the biggest step is to get to the point where you realize how non-crucial every action you take is. Seriously. Every time something big happens that seems horrible, it never is. In addition, every big plan and every careful plot you cook up isn't worth it.

That said, what does this mean for you? The fact that you have bad acne? Yea, that's not going to really mean anything. The guy will like or not like you. If it's "super bad", or bad enough to actually make a difference, he may not like you now, but when you 'clear up' you will be on his radar. Here, I'll go into his head for you "Lalala, girls are awesome. Oh, look, this one is saying she likes me! But... uh... ick... I dunno... acne. Um, be polite, smile and nod. *time goes by* Oh damn! Is that the previous mentioned girl? Oh man... lookin' hot now... I sure hope I didn't blow it with telling her no before..." Seriously, I was a teenage dude before. Yes, we really go 'Lalala, girls are awesome.'... right? You all did that too, right? :smallredface: Anyway, it either as I mentioned or he will say yes or no regardless of acne. Honestly, guys adore girls who 'blossom' in some form, so it can be a benefit if the acne meds work.

So, to my advice. If he asks, say yes. If someone else asks, say yes (or at least, tell them it isn't their business, but don't say no). If you get the chance, tell him yourself. Hell, tell him your weren't going to tell him till your meds kicked in and you could really 'knock his socks off'. Yes, you that phrase: knocking socks off makes it easier to kick boots :smallbiggrin: haha, I'm kidding, don't actually say that unless you are playing up your 'I'm an adorable dork' angle (it works for me :smallwink: )

[Serpentine]

One of my friends is actually now on Acutane because shes 25 and nothing else has worked on hers.Related to Roacutane? Good stuff.
Note to everybody: Acne is a treatable skin disease! You don't have to just deal with it.
Good luck with your treatment, Gem, and don't worry too much about him knowing. Chances are he'll mostly just shrug it off, and maybe take a bit more notice of you. Chill out, and stick with whatever plan you're comfortable with. And I don't think it's a bad idea to wait until you're more comfortable about your appearance, but don't let it go to far - you don't want to never do anything because you're always going to do it "just as soon as this thing improves"...

Me? I has weird relationships :smallsmile: Good ones, but some not so good bits... Eh, 'tis interesting.

[Castaras]

Related to Roacutane? Good stuff.
Note to everybody: Acne is a treatable skin disease! You don't have to just deal with it.

Is it? :smallconfused: Then my shoulder acne might actually be able to be solved in ways other than using pads every day which work on my face but not my shoulders?

[alchemyprime]

@ Castaras: Check to make sure your shoulder acne aint lipomas like mine is. Nasty stuff. Antibiotics and a yogurt diet are the only thing that gets rid of them. But they leave for a few months.

Stupid genetically bad skin...

---
Lead into Awesome
-AP

[mayonase]

Hello, sometime browser first time poster here! I've got a... bit of a complex question that I'm guessing I won't like the answer to. The situation:

I'm a 23-year-old male. I've never been in anything like a relationship. Dated a couple girls a couple times, nothing ever came of it physically or really all that emotionally. I'm not unattractive nor unworthy. Self esteem and fear aren't issues (or, rather, aren't issues that I can't get over on a case-by-case basis). Location and a lack of options is something of an issue; I'm in a non-college town of 40,000, though near enough to big cities. The biggest issue is motivation.

I'm a busy person and I'm doing good things. Things that are important to me and the community and that take a whole lot of time. Things that take precedence over things like dating.

I'm kinda old fashioned, in the sense that I believe in families over flings and stability over dating. Sex between individual couples, committed people who care about eachother and all that. I believe that a relationship is something that should be nurtured, and is something that takes time. Time that I don't really have.

And that is the crux of the situation. I want a relationship without the dating. I want the stability but can't put in the time. I would be utterly devoted to the woman I am with, but there are times she would always come second to the job, and because I know that and because I have a whole lot of convenient scheduling excuses I'm self-blocking myself from getting into any kind of relationship, or even trying to. I feel like I need a co-conspirator as opposed to a partner, my 'Hillary Clinton' as my friends put it, IE someone equally driven and busy who would not only understand that I couldn't be there for her sometimes and she'd be busy enough on her own projects that she wouldn't mind. That, or go into some kind of fake or arranged contract marriage where emotional detachment was part of the deal to begin with and not an unexpected shock.

How can I balance this and figure things out? How do you tell a girl that you'll love them more than any other person on Earth but never love them as much as your job? Are there women out there who would understand this and accept it? It just doesn't seem right.

:smallfrown:

[Syka]

I know right now, my boyfriend recognizes that on a superficial level, my school comes first. We're dealing with it, albeit in a roundabout way, in regards to our grads schools...our first choices of which are halfway across the country from each other. The thing is, even though school is appearing to come first, he knows if he needed me, I'd be there in a flash.

And yes, there are women out there who are just as driven and such. But they are just as busy as you are. :smallwink:

Serp, I guess so. It's a super powerful acne medication. When I was a teen they suggested it for me and I refused because the side effects were just too...blech. Before she could go on it, she had to have a pregnancy test (it's a teratogen) and I think liver test. Every thirty days she has to repeat said tests. That's way too scary for me.

Castaras, have you tried the topical form of Differin? I think that worked for my sister.

Cheers~

[Pyrian]

How can I balance this and figure things out?The traditional solution is to marry your secretary. :smallcool:

[Flickerdart]

Well...the date didn't go too badly. Not great, certainly...she brought a friend, apparently because she didn't know how to get there. I dunno. And I'm not sure if I got my intentions across, since the two of them were together unto a barrage of very interesting innuendo. I held my own, though. XD
She absolutely insisted on paying me back for the tickets and I didn't want to start an argument. Was that a slip-up?

[Serpentine]

Is it? :smallconfused: Then my shoulder acne might actually be able to be solved in ways other than using pads every day which work on my face but not my shoulders?Yep, it is. Go talk to a dermatologist. Roacutane is an extreme, but there's other drugs, and the pill can help, and I think there's creams and stuff too.
Serp, I guess so. It's a super powerful acne medication. When I was a teen they suggested it for me and I refused because the side effects were just too...blech. Before she could go on it, she had to have a pregnancy test (it's a teratogen) and I think liver test. Every thirty days she has to repeat said tests. That's way too scary for me.Sounds like Roacutane, though maybe a step up from it. I didn't have any troubles with it. I had to get a pregnancy test (ha!) - mum and I both knew that was pointless, so I found out my blood type (B+) at the same time - but only once, before I started it, and there was nothing about a liver test. I got very dry skin, but nothing I couldn't handle. On the other hand, a friend of mine who has huge blackheaded cysts on the back of his neck stopped taking it because the skin side-effects were too much for him. On the other other hand, it worked! To the extent that when my mum suggested Roacutane to a girl from my school, she said "But (Serpentine) doesn't have an acne problem..." (to which mum replied: "Not anymore, because she used it").
Anyway, yeah, nearly perfectly treatable. There is no excuse* for pizza-face. The pregnancy test, by the way, was because it causes nasty deformities in babies. Maybe your friend had to get retested because she was sexually active, whereas I most certainly was not? Or maybe Acutane is even more powerful than Roacutane. Dunno.

*may actually be several excuses, such as lack of money, but still.

[Syka]

Probably because she's sexually active, as you said. She lives with her fiance and I'm fairly sure they are still getting it on, despite the jokes a few month back about how there is no mating going on (long story as to how it got termed that). :smallsmile: Also, it was liver or kidney. Some sort of vital organ has to be tested to make sure it's not screwing with her. I also think you can't donate blood if you have it since it's that powerful. I like donating blood.

Either way, I'd rather not worry about any potential Syka-kids having an extra leg. ;) (Teratogen is just a fancy word for 'causes birth defects', by the way...I learned it in my psych classes...at least they give me something useful).

Flicker, no. But ask her out again and maybe come right out and say something like "I was hoping we could go do X Activity, as a date or something. :smallredface:" Include blushing. :smallwink:

Cheers~

[paladin_carvin]

Well...the date didn't go too badly. Not great, certainly...she brought a friend, apparently because she didn't know how to get there. I dunno. And I'm not sure if I got my intentions across, since the two of them were together unto a barrage of very interesting innuendo. I held my own, though. XD
She absolutely insisted on paying me back for the tickets and I didn't want to start an argument. Was that a slip-up?

Normally I give logical advice that is so long maybe the person who asked for it will skim it :smalltongue: This won't be much different, other than it won't be logical, just meandering thought from what I know.

1. Bringing a friend usually happens because 'someone' is nervous about your meeting. This is most likely not her; it could be the friend, a third party friend, a parent or a sibling. At any rate, if the friend reacts positively to you, that means that you are being 'approved' (if the 'someone' isn't present, they will be getting a good 'review' of you from her). Oddly enough, this can all happen without anyone exactly knowing they are doing it.

2. Innuendo is very positive flirtation. Whatever was being innuendoed... well, it's been thought about in more than just flirt fodder. If this was shared, well... that means they on some level agree. Short version: most likely, she thinks you are hot or at least cute, and her friend agrees.

3. This is tough, the being payed back, as it can be a matter of principle, not wanting to feel like it was a date, not feeling right because her friend was along, and could even be a hint for going out again. Your best line would have been 'You can pay me back next time' and give a wink and your best smile. :smallwink: <--- If you got a good dimple, go with the half smile like this. I'd be a v... very lonely man without my dimple. Anywho, you have to assess the language used. Positive language (I insist on paying you back) is... well, good while negative language (I'm sorry, I can't have you pay for me) is bad. Both those examples are a little extreme in text form... but you get the idea. It's only a slip up in the sense that you could have made it a 'win' with that previous line, but you didn't do anything wrong.

[Dragonrider]

I was going to post a long complaint about my love life but I just read through it and it didn't read like it would make any sense to anyone besides myself, so suffice to say, I feel like I'm being overly clingy and ridiculous and insecure. Cuz I am and I know I have nothing to worry about, just being lame.

That's all. I already feel better. :smallsmile:

[Dallas-Dakota]

I still ocassionaly think of her.

Those of you who have good memory and remember a long time ago when DD was talking around here and the dep thread will remember.

And that's a problem because I haven't seen in her in like months. This is crazily long for just a crush....

[Syka]

I liked a guy for two years. For the last year of that, I simulataneously hated him.

Crushes are weird. :)

Cheers,
Syka

[Dallas-Dakota]

Nope, don't hate her. I think I do admire her ability to be so good at french though...

And I think I realized I crushed on her were in the christmas holidays. The one before the last one....

[Ranna]

I started to really crush on my current boyfriend whilst we were having a HUGE friend row!

I think it was the fact that he was being all strong and moody! But yes crushes are werid because I only started to like him once I had truly pissed him off. - Think I like to make things hard on myself I guess.

[Flickerdart]

-snip-
She said she'd feel bad if she didn't pay me back. Where does that fall in your spectrum?

And I'll be glad for a wall-o'-text of advice, please.

[evisiron]

Ugh. Nothing new, but long distance relationship is getting to me a bit. I miss her so much, and the other day I had one of those moments where my entire mind is consumed by just how much I miss her. I searched for her house on Google Earth just to gaze at it I guess, but not built back then. Dammit.

It does not help that our classes are getting in the way of our time to chat. :smallfrown:

Still, at least we have AIM working and a cheap phone deal, so when we do get to talk we can talk for hours. And I might get to see her for a few weeks at Christmas. And at least time is still passing, and almost two months are gone from the Long Year. At some point I WILL see her again! :smallbiggrin:

[Syka]

Ugh. Nothing new, but long distance relationship is getting to me a bit. I miss her so much, and the other day I had one of those moments where my entire mind is consumed by just how much I miss her. I searched for her house on Google Earth just to gaze at it I guess, but not built back then. Dammit.

It does not help that our classes are getting in the way of our time to chat. :smallfrown:

Still, at least we have AIM working and a cheap phone deal, so when we do get to talk we can talk for hours. And I might get to see her for a few weeks at Christmas. And at least time is still passing, and almost two months are gone from the Long Year. At some point I WILL see her again! :smallbiggrin:

*hugs* It'll be OK. :smallsmile:

Cheers~

[Zakama]

Serp, I'm pretty sure Roaccutane is just a brand name for accutane. Different suppliers call it different stuff, my packages had the brand name Claravis. It's all the same drug, like Advil and Motrin are both Ibuprofen.

Yeah, though, Accutane is goooood stuff. :smallwink: Worked wonders on me.

...Anyone else think it's kinda funny I'm saying that with a green winking face?

[paladin_carvin]

She said she'd feel bad if she didn't pay me back. Where does that fall in your spectrum?

And I'll be glad for a wall-o'-text of advice, please.

Did she pay you back right then? Either way, not too bad, actually. It's kinda weird, since 'bad' is negative, but it seems clear the 'bad' is that she is compassionate to your bank fund... which sounds crass, but really it's not, especially considering your age (and the cost of movies!). If she did so smiling or in a very 'sweet and happy' tone, then that's probably a good sign. Ask her out again, but this time ask her before getting to ticket booth. Say something like 'Could I buy the tickets for us?' (Make sure this is a 'proposal'- you know, the real meaning of the word, not something that involves being on your knees... er... let's move on.) Don't 'insist'. I'd use the standard of asking twice, as long as her refusal isn't too harsh (I use the 'line' [such an unfair treatment of the term over the years... lines aren't bad things, they just are easy to abuse] "Are you sure, it's quite alright" or something to that effect. The idea with the second asking is to ask humbly, to make it seem like it's not much (similar to the trope 'It's what you're supposed to do'). If she says no both times, don't argue. Ask again after either way about concessions, but only ask once. You can go with a line like 'Well, at least let me buy us the popcorn"- see, and there is another good note. You buy for 'us', not 'you'. It's a thing of subtlety. If things continue light and quite happy through it, it is a good sign. That means she's accepted your attempts, but doesn't feel like she should be 'bought' for. Modern chivalry demands that you never taint your gifts with force.

[Flickerdart]

Ahh, that's clever, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks a lot!

[sktarq]

Ask her out again, but this time ask her before getting to ticket booth. ... . It's a thing of subtlety. If things continue light and quite happy through it, it is a good sign. That means she's accepted your attempts, but doesn't feel like she should be 'bought' for. Modern chivalry demands that you never taint your gifts with force.

This advice is wise. Listen padawans also works when you are older for dinner and drinks. If she seems more in the refusal mode offer to buy the tickets and say she can pay you back by getting the popcorn. Then just pick the more obviously expesive choice yourself. In the popcorn case ask to just upgrade to a large for both of you

[loopy]

Situation:

Girl in the course of normal MSN conversation mentions that I mean "the world to [her] and that [she] thinks [she] loves [me]." Said girl has a boyfriend. What the hell?

So, does she actually like me, or what? Cos it was pretty out of the blue, and then she moved right along in the conversation and changed subjects. It was over MSN, so I really have no information to go off tone or body language wise...

More random info:

We are pretty close as mates, and are constantly talking about seducing each other and whatnot, which makes the situation real hard to figure. I mean, when a girl talks about raping you normally it makes it hard to tell when she's not joking.

Got quite close at my last party, holding my hand, holding me close, dragging me around places. I kept bailing before any chance of escalation could happen, hosting duties suck...

So, what do you guys think? Any advice, etc.

[Pyrian]

Hmm. At first, I was going to say she just likes you as a friend, but the latter sounds more like flirting. Remember that many people in general and women in particular scope out their next relationship before bailing from the previous one. ...Not something I particularly approve of, but they definitely do it.

Anyway, you've left out a crucial detail: what do you want out of the situation?

[loopy]

Anyway, you've left out a crucial detail: what do you want out of the situation?

Love her to bits, which is a problem... as actually liking a girl is relationship kryptonite for me. :smalleek:

So much easier when I don't have feelings for people.

[paladin_carvin]

Situation:

Girl in the course of normal MSN conversation mentions that I mean "the world to [her] and that [she] thinks [she] loves [me]." Said girl has a boyfriend. What the hell?

So, does she actually like me, or what? Cos it was pretty out of the blue, and then she moved right along in the conversation and changed subjects. It was over MSN, so I really have no information to go off tone or body language wise...

More random info:

We are pretty close as mates, and are constantly talking about seducing each other and whatnot, which makes the situation real hard to figure. I mean, when a girl talks about raping you normally it makes it hard to tell when she's not joking.

Got quite close at my last party, holding my hand, holding me close, dragging me around places. I kept bailing before any chance of escalation could happen, hosting duties suck...

So, what do you guys think? Any advice, etc.

Well, my standard answer is that being a 'the other guy' is pretty cool. And it does seem to fit your style, as I've gathered. It may actually work for your relationship to happen. Just realize this. If you get into a relationship because the other person cheated, don't expect it to not happen to you.

[Jibar]

Ya know... I don't really know how I feel right now.
She said she is having trouble getting over this guy. They didn't date or anything, but she liked him and he shot her down and she's hurting.
She said that she liked me and thought I was great but she just couldn't do anything right now.
And me, well... I don't know.
I mean, I'm dissapointed but... it wasn't a no was it? When I asked if anything could happen she said she didn't know, but she didn't want me to wait for her, since the guy shot her down for similar reasons. I don't have much to do though.
I guess I'm kinda... hopeful. I'm not as upset as I could be, but that's because for the past few days I've been agonising over whether she does like me at all, even as a friend. But... well. There's nothing definite in the... I don't know. I don't really feel... anything.
It's a little distressing...
Yeah. Anyway...

[paladin_carvin]

Ya know... I don't really know how I feel right now.
She said she is having trouble getting over this guy. They didn't date or anything, but she liked him and he shot her down and she's hurting.
She said that she liked me and thought I was great but she just couldn't do anything right now.
And me, well... I don't know.
I mean, I'm dissapointed but... it wasn't a no was it? When I asked if anything could happen she said she didn't know, but she didn't want me to wait for her, since the guy shot her down for similar reasons. I don't have much to do though.
I guess I'm kinda... hopeful. I'm not as upset as I could be, but that's because for the past few days I've been agonising over whether she does like me at all, even as a friend. But... well. There's nothing definite in the... I don't know. I don't really feel... anything.
It's a little distressing...
Yeah. Anyway...

I think the first thing that must be done is to figure out what the stakes are. Are you willing to wait; are you ok where you are, or do you want to go for the gusto? This isn't a challenge, it's a real question. Both are decent ideas.

[Rawhide]

Ya know... I don't really know how I feel right now.
She said she is having trouble getting over this guy. They didn't date or anything, but she liked him and he shot her down and she's hurting.
She said that she liked me and thought I was great but she just couldn't do anything right now.
And me, well... I don't know.
I mean, I'm dissapointed but... it wasn't a no was it? When I asked if anything could happen she said she didn't know, but she didn't want me to wait for her, since the guy shot her down for similar reasons. I don't have much to do though.
I guess I'm kinda... hopeful. I'm not as upset as I could be, but that's because for the past few days I've been agonising over whether she does like me at all, even as a friend. But... well. There's nothing definite in the... I don't know. I don't really feel... anything.
It's a little distressing...
Yeah. Anyway...

Be there for her, as a friend and a shoulder to cry on. Even if you two don't start a relationship now or ever, don't give up on her as a friend. Just be there for her as she goes through this difficult period. But don't let it stop you from dating other people while she's not going to be able to date you.

You should then either gain a very strong and lasting friendship, or she will eventually be in a place to start a relationship with you.

[Gem Flower]

Nope, don't hate her. I think I do admire her ability to be so good at french though...

And I think I realized I crushed on her were in the christmas holidays. The one before the last one....

*scans thread quickly*

Huh? Ooh, I speak very good French!:smallbiggrin: <.< >.> *jumps out of thread*

[loopy]

Well, my standard answer is that being a 'the other guy' is pretty cool. And it does seem to fit your style, as I've gathered. It may actually work for your relationship to happen. Just realize this. If you get into a relationship because the other person cheated, don't expect it to not happen to you.

Yeah, but then, I really don't want to be the guy who screws up someone's relationship. Not again, anyway. :smalleek:

Just out of curiosity, what is my style, from what you've gathered? I'm intrigued. :smallsmile:

[Dallas-Dakota]

*scans thread quickly*

Huh? Ooh, I speak very good French!:smallbiggrin: <.< >.> *jumps out of thread*
Speaking a language when its your native language does not earn you brownie points.:smallwink:

[YPU]

Loopy, hate to be captain obvious here. But it would seem you and this girls are pretty close as it is, not having to be afraid of asking something stupid or the like right? Why don’t you simply ask her what’s going on? You’re a man, we men get confused easy, she’ll understand.

[Dallas-Dakota]

You’re a man, we men get confused easy
Anybody who has ever played a WW game with me can testify that I am living proof of this.

[loopy]

Loopy, hate to be captain obvious here. But it would seem you and this girls are pretty close as it is, not having to be afraid of asking something stupid or the like right? Why don’t you simply ask her what’s going on? You’re a man, we men get confused easy, she’ll understand.

*headdesk*

Trust me not to think of the obvious answer. Open forum, GitP, best way to phrase the question?

[OldSchoolGamer7]

I need an outside opinion here:

The background: I've been dating the woman I love for four years now. It has been, for the most part, one of distance. We have only spent three and a half months physically together. This has led to many squabbles with us both frustrated. I used to have self-image issues and now she has them some times because she feels as if she is drifting without direction. Each and every time, I patch it back together because, despite everything, I do love this woman and I intend to marry her at all costs. Once I get my stuff together here and find myself a nice college in Chicago to transfer to, I'm going to be there for her...forever.

The current: After a particularly stressful weekend (I won't go into issues with where I'm staying now; it would take too long and this isn't the right thread,) I received a phone call from her. We exchange pleasantries and she begins to talk about coming on a surprise visit some day between now and next summer/fall.

I tell her that I'd rather her show up at the end of next month. My father's remarrying and he already invited her during Memorial Day weekend. Though we've never seen eye to eye, I feel I need to be there to share in his happiness...you should have seen him after mom died.

First she tells me that she was going to go to a girlfriend's birthday party. THEN she tells me she doesn't think she'll have the money (job issues in this market and her field is highly competitive.)

Now, wait a minute. She'd have money to surprise me, but not to share in an important family moment? Yeah, I felt betrayed.

And told her as much.

Yes, I cleared the air with her yesterday and everything is fine now. I just want to know if I'm right in feeling a little betrayed in this matter...

[Quincunx]

First of all, good luck with the jump.

If she was going to spring the surprise visit with frequent flyer miles, those might not transfer to internal journeys. I don't think that's the case, but it's worth considering. I'm almost certain she didn't mentally transfer the money from her journey to paying for yours immediately; all is ours etc. but that's truer once you're not in separate households. Also, that's a long window for a possible journey, and she might not be able to scrape together that much as quickly as you want to come over. I think you overreacted a tad but it's probably forgivable, especially being under where-do-I-live-next stress.

[OldSchoolGamer7]

I understand where you're coming from. No, there's no flying involved; it's not THAT long distance. She's in Chicago, I'm in Cleveland.

I will take it into consideration, certainly. I was just in a bad position at the time and that didn't help much.

[Syka]

Maybe she wasn't expecting to do the surprise visit that soon? She might be saving up money so that she can afford the gas and time off and all.

Cheers~

[OldSchoolGamer7]

"Not expecting?" We've been talking about it for months now...

I'm sorry if I'm getting beligerent on this matter.

[Syka]

Are there any surprise things that have come up money wise that might be affecting it? I know my boyfriend's been having issues with his car and stuff like that, so that might be a contributing factor if she's had a big money drain for some reason. Or if she has a lot of projects that following week, she might feels it's best that she not do it.

I'm not trying to defend her, I'm giving possibilities, but I don't know the whole situation.

If I knew there were no extenuating circumstances and if she had told me previously she would go, then I'd be upset. But if there was no agreement to her going, etc you may be being a little harsh.

Could always talk to her and ask what's up with it.

Cheers,
Syka

[OldSchoolGamer7]

It hadn't been set in stone, but we had a tacit agreement.

I know things come up, but...damn, I'm confused now.:smallsigh:

[Leper_Kahn]

Hey everyone,
It's be a little while since I've posted here. Anyway, with homecoming approaching I'm interested in asking someone. One option is this girl I hardly know. It's weird of me to do this, for every girl I've ever asked out I've had a lot of time to talk to before doing the asking... So... I'm kind of new to this approaching and asking someone right off the bat.

I feel like I want to go out with her or get to know her before homecoming, but time is rather limited. I think there's one or two weeks... So, I'm not sure I really have time to just be friendly. How might I go about asking her without seeming too.. I don't even know the word... quick? Anyway, thanks for the help in advance. :smallsmile:

[Leigh]

@^
Go for it. When you ask her, though, explain that you think it might be a little soon, and the pressure will be a lot less on her. Who knows, if you choose not to, there will always be other opportunities... But I still say to ask her!

[paladin_carvin]

Yeah, but then, I really don't want to be the guy who screws up someone's relationship. Not again, anyway. :smalleek:

Just out of curiosity, what is my style, from what you've gathered? I'm intrigued. :smallsmile:

Well, as for style, I just mean that you have issues with wanting to be in a relationship. You are not satisfied with what gets put in front of you most of the time. This seems to be more your speed.

Besides, blaming 'the other man' (or other woman) when someone cheats is a cheap and pitiful way to ignore who really is at fault. The 'other' is the only one NOT breaking a relationship pledge. If the relationship can't stand the temptation of other people then perhaps the relationship shouldn't be.

[paladin_carvin]

Hey everyone,
It's be a little while since I've posted here. Anyway, with homecoming approaching I'm interested in asking someone. One option is this girl I hardly know. It's weird of me to do this, for every girl I've ever asked out I've had a lot of time to talk to before doing the asking... So... I'm kind of new to this approaching and asking someone right off the bat.

I feel like I want to go out with her or get to know her before homecoming, but time is rather limited. I think there's one or two weeks... So, I'm not sure I really have time to just be friendly. How might I go about asking her without seeming too.. I don't even know the word... quick? Anyway, thanks for the help in advance. :smallsmile:

^_^ the word is 'forward'. Ask to casually do something. Going to the mall or something like that. And ask her from there. Or ask her to the dance first and then say 'I'd love to take you to dinner to get to know you better first'.:smallbiggrin:

[YPU]

*headdesk*

Trust me not to think of the obvious answer. Open forum, GitP, best way to phrase the question?

You know that really depend on your personal lingo. But a few things, preparing some real smug line to bring it up and then stuttering it out does not make you look good, and it really hard to create a sentence that will actually fit well in a future conversation, believe me on that one. So make sure it’s a natural question to ask but don’t ask it to much out of the blue. After laughing about a joke its ok, but really not while still laughing about it. Any advice that would go for a pickup line goes here, as in a way is kind of is. Or at least of the same creature type.

[Syka]

Well, as for style, I just mean that you have issues with wanting to be in a relationship. You are not satisfied with what gets put in front of you most of the time. This seems to be more your speed.

Besides, blaming 'the other man' (or other woman) when someone cheats is a cheap and pitiful way to ignore who really is at fault. The 'other' is the only one NOT breaking a relationship pledge. If the relationship can't stand the temptation of other people then perhaps the relationship shouldn't be.

I actually do hold the other person responsible, if they are aware of the relationship. I did not blame the girl my ex cheated with because I do not know if she knew about me. However, I knew for sure he knew about our relationship. However, someone who willingly helps to do what they know will harm a relationship is guilty. Yes, the person in the relationship will always get the most flak from me, but I can't stand people who purposefully mate poach and help people cheat.

This is an extreme example, but just because you haven't made the commitment does not make you not responsible for the outcome. Someone who stands by while their friend murders someone usually gets arrested as an accomplice. The Other Person is not AS guilty, but they are still guilty.

Cheers,
Syka

[loopy]

I actually do hold the other person responsible, if they are aware of the relationship. I did not blame the girl my ex cheated with because I do not know if she knew about me. However, I knew for sure he knew about our relationship. However, someone who willingly helps to do what they know will harm a relationship is guilty. Yes, the person in the relationship will always get the most flak from me, but I can't stand people who purposefully mate poach and help people cheat.

So... Guess I'll just wait until she breaks up with him then?

Random tangent. How long is a good time to wait after someone's broken up to ask them out? I just don't want to be a rebound or something, lol. :smallsmile:

[The Rose Dragon]

More of a short rant than advice-seeking, I suppose.

There are three girls that I love more than nearly anyone else (my parents and my grandmom being the top three and my other relatives being contenders). I don't know what I would be like without those three (probably insane or jailed). They mean a lot to me, and they can get me out of any bout of depression if I talk to them.

And I haven't seen the face of any of them.

Sure, I've seen pictures of them, but I've never actually met them face-to-face. I haven't heard the voices of two of them, and I can't go to the movies or roller-coasters with them if it strikes my fancy (though one did promise that we'll totally ride one of those roller-coasters with those loops and all together). Yet they are closer to me than all but one of my "real-life" friends.

Which is kind of weird considering that I have a lot of difficulty finding anything to talk about with them. I'm terrible at conversing in length, and I usually repeat a lot of things or make the inanest comments about silly things. Yet they still seem to like me.

And I've never had any real romantic interest in any of them besides maybe an idle fantasy or two (which is natural, I guess, since I'm so close to them). Which is also weird since I usually have that with any girl I meet and I vaguely like. Of course, one is married and the other has a boyfriend (who is totally hot) and the last one is just... herself, so the point is kind of moot.

Anyways, the questions (which you don't have to answer) are:

1) Is it weird that most of my closest friends are females?

2) Is it weird that I haven't ever met them face to face?

3) What can I do to talk to them and be with them more often?

4) How can I have the same thing with "real-life" people?

5) Am I just insane?

[Allysian]

Yaaay! Adult people, Fun. It is kinda weird that you've never seen your three best friends, but whadda I know, I'm still a lil kid. Of 12.

[Syka]

So... Guess I'll just wait until she breaks up with him then?

Random tangent. How long is a good time to wait after someone's broken up to ask them out? I just don't want to be a rebound or something, lol. :smallsmile:

A guy asked me out 5 days after my ex broke up with me, and we had the date about two weeks after my break up. It wasn't a rebound. However, we both knew that it would not be something serious or anything lasting. Oz and I began dating a month and a half after breaking up with the above guy.

Honestly, it's different for everyone. For me, I guess for a serious relationship about a month is good. It's probably best if you let your interest between within a couple weeks, but impress upon her that, if she is interested in you, you would like to wait until she is completely ready.

Do be careful of a rebound. My boyfriend had a rebound after his ex and ended up feeling bad about it.

Cheers,
Syka

[Thufir]

1) Is it weird that most of my closest friends are females?

2) Is it weird that I haven't ever met them face to face?

3) What can I do to talk to them and be with them more often?

4) How can I have the same thing with "real-life" people?

5) Am I just insane?

I would say...

1) No.

2) *Shrug* This is the time of the internet. If they live a reasonable distance away, I'd say no.

3) Spending time - just arrange it with them, though if they're far away it could be difficult/expensive.
Talking - Um... Just do it? Just talk to them. The more you talk, the easier it gets. Probably.

4) Not sure. It may just be something about these girls' personalities which is not there with anyone you know irl. Only suggestion I can make is... just try.

5) If you weren't, you wouldn't be on this forum.

[TFT]

I hate drama... (Warning, contains a lot of ranting)

Alright... So some of you might remember that I liked a girl and my friend liked a girl... this being the same girl. He backed off because 1. He knew I liked her, and 2. He had someone else he liked more. If you don't remember that, you are pretty much caught up. Earlier... I had asked her to the school dance coming up, and she said yes, but as friends... So, today (the longest day I've had in a while...) There were a lot of talks... long, confusing, annoying, and tiring talks. In the end, it turns out that the girl, who we had at one point thought liked me, ended up not liking me at all and liking my friend. Now, I wasn't depressed about this(Sad maybe, Depressed no), but more... annoyed. People had been acting like I didn't know she didn't like me, which I had guessed, and the girl had been witholding information from me and my friend. It honestly didn't annoy me as much as my friend... I think I touched on everything.

Don't really need advice for that... just ranting.

[loopy]

Flirting with a regular at the arcade you work at: social faux pas?

Oui? Non?

[Syka]

I vote no. I definitely had customers flirt with me at my old job, and if I'd been single I would have definitely taken one of them up on his offer for coffee. Only one ever creeped me out (he was twice my age and...very Larry the Cable Guy-type...)

As long as they don't give you an "Omg, creepy dude" look for seem to be shying away from you, I think it'd be ok. :)

Cheers~

[loopy]

I vote no. I definitely had customers flirt with me at my old job, and if I'd been single I would have definitely taken one of them up on his offer for coffee. Only one ever creeped me out (he was twice my age and...very Larry the Cable Guy-type...)

As long as they don't give you an "Omg, creepy dude" look for seem to be shying away from you, I think it'd be ok. :)

Cheers~

No it was more like "followed me around, talked to me while I was tending counter, showing me her awesome dice (http://casinosupply.com/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/30-1106.jpg), and telling me how she celebrated 'talk like a pirate day'".

Hell, I almost proposed. :smalltongue:

[Syka]

No it was more like "followed me around, talked to me while I was tending counter, showing me her awesome dice (http://casinosupply.com/Merchant2/graphics/00000001/30-1106.jpg), and telling me how she celebrated 'talk like a pirate day'".

Hell, I almost proposed. :smalltongue:

Haha, flirt away. ;) Maybe even ask her out, if she didn't mention a boyfriend.

When my boyfriend and I were talking the first weekend when we kinda started going out, he asked if I'd ever seen Farscape. I said only of course. He later told me it was like in those cartoons where little cartoon hearts start floating around his head. *snicker*

Cheers~

ETA: Oh my god, I'm in love with those dice. <3

[loopy]

Haha, flirt away. ;) Maybe even ask her out, if she didn't mention a boyfriend.

When my boyfriend and I were talking the first weekend when we kinda started going out, he asked if I'd ever seen Farscape. I said only of course. He later told me it was like in those cartoons where little cartoon hearts start floating around his head. *snicker*

Cheers~

ETA: Oh my god, I'm in love with those dice. <3

I am too. She caught me trying to palm the damn things, lol.

Nah, she was in with a guy today, so I was treading fairly careful. Then I find out from a throwaway line by her in the last 30 seconds of the convo that he's her brother.

[Pocketa]

I have the white-on-purple one of those dice. I've had it for a long time now. It's from when I was a kid, I think.

A younger kid.

What do you do if your boyfriend never contacts you? Also, I called him, and he had an obviously fake Mexican accent on and he pretended to be "Tom Rodriguez".

[Syka]

I have the white-on-purple one of those dice. I've had it for a long time now. It's from when I was a kid, I think.

A younger kid.

What do you do if your boyfriend never contacts you? Also, I called him, and he had an obviously fake Mexican accent on and he pretended to be "Tom Rodriguez".

I'd first ask why the lack of contact, and if he just isn't for whatever reason, I'd probably break it off. Contact is kinda critical in a LDR.

Cheers,
Syka

[ghost_warlock]

What do you do if your boyfriend never contacts you? Also, I called him, and he had an obviously fake Mexican accent on and he pretended to be "Tom Rodriguez".

@ Pocketa:
That's really messed up.

First off, I guess I'd make sure that I didn't actually dial a wrong number. I've received a number of (often humerous) wrong number calls so I'm confident that it happens from time to time. Honestly, even using pre-set speed dial settings on my cell phone I'm pretty sure I've ended up ringing the wrong number. Stupid cell phone.

If your long-distance bf really is avoiding you, the best thing to do is probably dump him. If he's not into the relationship and respectful enough of you to be honest about it, you're better off not wasting any more time on him.



My woes: (strangely, somewhat related to Pocketa's)
My gf and I used to have a long-distance relationship. Despite the fact that we only saw each other for 3-4 days out of every 3 weeks, I thought things were going pretty well. I certainly enjoyed the thrill of getting to see her again after what seemed like 'forever' and our relationship was fun and passionate, full of "vicarious smoochies."

Now, we've been living together for a bit over a year and things have gone sort of stale, almost boring. We've settled into a routine, and while I wouldn't say our relationship is without passion (we still have our moments), I certainly feel like there's a lot less affection and excitement now than we used to have.

Because we both work nights, and similar hours, the only time we're not together is when we're at work. We have one Thursday night every three weeks to spend together (we're essentially nocturnal), but otherwise one or both of us is at work every night.

We've known each other for years; we were friends for about 6-7 years before we began dating so we already know each other pretty well; precious few surprises for each other left in us, I'm afraid.

Anyway, does anyone have some advice for breathing some passion, excitement, and romance back into our relationship? Sadly, our budget is a little tight and she already used up all of her vacation time this year during a trip we took to visit her parents on the other side of the state. :smallfrown:

[Syka]

For one, make sure you get time as individuals. Like, hanging out with friends, etc. You need time as individuals.

Other than that, find something new to do that you guys haven't done before. Something simple, like a local museum or a park or a day trip somewhere random. Surprise her. :)

It's perfectly normal to fall into a routine, and sometimes you can't break out of it right away, but as long as you remain committed and the relationship (ie, friendship) remains strong, the passion that disappeared can be rekindled.

And I like the term vicarious smoochies. :smallbiggrin: I'm totally using that.

Cheers,
Syka

[ghost_warlock]

And I like the term vicarious smoochies. :smallbiggrin: I'm totally using that.

Cheers,
Syka

I wish I could claim it as an original, but I'm fairly certain it's from a BtVS episode. I think it's a Willow quote. :smallwink:

And thanks for the advice!

Individual time is problematic for us because, honestly, she doesn't have any local friends! After college her friends all scattered across the globe (France, Germany, Taiwan) or, at best, live several hours away. In the year that we've lived here in Sioux City, she hasn't made any friends. Her introversion and antisocial tendencies make this a huge stumbling block.

I've got some local friends/relatives, but I kind of feel like an jerk when I go hang out with them (since it means she's either at home alone or at work). As such, most of our individual time consists of sitting at home on the nights when the other is at work.

It helps that we have house-mates: my cousin has a room in our 3-bedroom duplex and my younger brother recently moved in to the third, so we have some social outlets other than each other and work, but I know our social life is still pretty atrophied.

Honestly, I could probably go on for hours about all the other things that are "wrong" with our relationship (she can be pretty snippy/short fuse, affection is mostly one-way, she doesn't drive...), but I guess the bottom line is that I love her and I'm still committed to the relationship; I just want more passion and excitement. :smallsmile:

[Pyrian]

Anyway, does anyone have some advice for breathing some passion, excitement, and romance back into our relationship?Try this: http://www.amazon.com/1001-Ways-Be-Romantic-Completely/dp/B001C46QMY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1223239573&sr=1-1

Check out the "On a Budget" chapter. (Then browse the "Spare No Expense" chapter because it's funny.) Maybe even pick up the sequel...

[averagejoe]

I rarely get advice for stuff like this, because I can typically work it out on my own. (In fact, I tend to think of advice as tending to be more support for the decision that one knows is the right one, but I digress.) I get the feeling that I know the answer to this one, but nothing has come so far, and sometimes just asking can yield results. Also, this is only circuitously about relationships-in fact, it's more about avoiding them-so I hope it isn't inappropriate for this thread.

My problem is one of perspective. I tend to be a very rational thinker; this wouldn't be a problem, except most people, in my experience, aren't. (I don't mean to sound like I'm talking down to anyone, because I'm not, I'm just stating what seems to me to be true.) This tends to work fine most of the time, but can get tricky when it comes to meaningful relations. For example, there are certain things I would not know are "wrong" if it wasn't for stories that portray it as such; in fact, I still don't think many of these things are wrong, but I know enough to respect how others feel, and don't do them because it would cause the other person pain (in my opinion unnecessarily, but that doesn't take it away, so, again, I don't.)

So much for preamble. I'm not sure what amount of help is generally "acceptable," especially when it comes to women. On the one hand, I feel like I risk being seen as the "nice guy" (when in fact I usually have no romantic interest in them), and on the other hand I'm genuinely concerned for their safety. To wit, I have a standing offer with most of my friends to walk them home (or wherever) if they're ever out after dark and alone. Being a fairly big and tall guy, I feel that the risk to myself is relatively small compared to, say, a girl that's about half my height, and probably less than half my weight. However, I find that I practically have to threaten to mug them myself in order to get them to accept my help. They often seem not to want to put me out of my way, as if half an hour of my time or convenience is as meaningful to me as someone I care about. Is such an offer inappropriate? If so, what should I do?

Just to be clear, this isn't just some macho thing; one of my friends recently was attacked (but unhurt), so it has been something that's been concerning me. However, even the above friend is like, "No, I don't want to put you out of your way." She doesn't feel like she can go outside at night (and this was even before; she was attacked during the day) and this is something I find wrong in principle. And, even if safety isn't that big an issue, I find it worthwhile just for people to feel safe; the fact that some people don't is something I find abhorrent.

[Pyrian]

However, I find that I practically have to threaten to mug them myself in order to get them to accept my help. They often seem not to want to put me out of my way, as if half an hour of my time or convenience is as meaningful to me as someone I care about. Is such an offer inappropriate? If so, what should I do?There's nothing inappropriate about making the offer. However, once the offer is made, it is up to them to accept or decline. It seems to me that your problem is that you're unwilling to take no for an answer.

People are going to make decisions you disagree with. If you're opinionated it is highly likely that everyone will make decisions you disagree with. You're unlikely to be able to bend all of them - or even very many of them - to your will.

[averagejoe]

There's nothing inappropriate about making the offer. However, once the offer is made, it is up to them to accept or decline. It seems to me that your problem is that you're unwilling to take no for an answer.

People are going to make decisions you disagree with. If you're opinionated it is highly likely that everyone will make decisions you disagree with. You're unlikely to be able to bend all of them - or even very many of them - to your will.

Perhaps I worded that unclearly; they tend to react more like I'm giving something that they want, but they don't want to put me too far out of my way. If their answer was, "No, I can handle myself," or, "No, I'm not worried," or something like that, I'd leave it at that. However, they react more like they don't want to take advantage of me or something; similarly to how I react to someone offering me (say) money. The conversations tend to end with something like, "...well, if you're sure it's not too much trouble," "Yes, I'm sure it's not too much trouble. I wouldn't have offered otherwise." The trouble is convincing people that such a service is essentially nothing to me.

[sktarq]

The trouble is convincing people that such a service is essentially nothing to me.

LMAO!!!! I get the same thing. (used to allot more when I lived in a less nice area)
Some things that worked for me:
Pointing out you like spending time with them anyway and it a good excuse to chat.
That not only is it "not a problem, but an honor"...but you have to mean that
Mention you'd only worry about them anyway if they walked home alone.
Point out if they seem worried and that being worried only attracts problems.
If they say no anyway once, call them a while later to make sure they got home okay...it shows you are willing to take the time and not just talk about it making them more prone to accept next time.

Now all of these are based on the basic principle that they would like to except your proposal but feel guilty doing it. But you seem to have that covered, just stick with it.

[Syka]

I actually wish my friends were more like that. They always give me a hard time about not wanting to be out alone after dark. I think all of them are willing to walk home alone at night.

It's just not smart, in my opinion. *shrug*

Cheers,
Syka

[averagejoe]

LMAO!!!! I get the same thing. (used to allot more when I lived in a less nice area)
Some things that worked for me:
Pointing out you like spending time with them anyway and it a good excuse to chat.
That not only is it "not a problem, but an honor"...but you have to mean that
Mention you'd only worry about them anyway if they walked home alone.
Point out if they seem worried and that being worried only attracts problems.
If they say no anyway once, call them a while later to make sure they got home okay...it shows you are willing to take the time and not just talk about it making them more prone to accept next time.

Now all of these are based on the basic principle that they would like to except your proposal but feel guilty doing it. But you seem to have that covered, just stick with it.

Okay, that's good to know. I was mostly just wondering if there was some subtlety of social interaction that I wasn't picking up on, as that sort of thing tends to happen to me. I actually do find genuine enjoyment in helping people, for its own sake, so maybe I should make that more clear, or something. I actually almost joined a campus program that offers similar services free to students, but they required a time commitment that I couldn't commit to.


I actually wish my friends were more like that. They always give me a hard time about not wanting to be out alone after dark. I think all of them are willing to walk home alone at night.

It's just not smart, in my opinion. *shrug*

Cheers,
Syka

That's comforting, at least. I'm never entirely sure where the line between "is being a good friend" and "is trying to get into your pants" is, and this seems to be the former, at least by people's reactions. I'm, perhaps, overly aware of the whole "nice guy" thing, and am sometimes a little paranoid about how such offers might be taken.

[Syka]

No, the creepy starts to set in when you hound them for lunch or always insistent on walking them home, even when home is 2 blocks away and it's the middle of the day. That trails into crush/creepy category. I had a guy friend do that and it unnerved me to no end. >>

But night time is a horse of a different color all together.

Cheers~

[alchemyprime]

Hey all.

Updating:

Found a nice gal online. Met her. She's great. And pretty much what I wanted.

And...

PM me any embarrasing problems that you don't want said on the boards.

Because seriously, the list of freaky **** I'm NOT into is the shorter one.

-
Keep turning lead into AWESOME!
Alchemyprime

[The Extinguisher]

Man, today was awesome :smallannoyed:

Not only did I completely lose a friend (my ex) because of jealously, but I also figure out that she was seeing someone a week before she broke it off with me.

And it's not even jealously because I'm dating someone (which I'm not, people just think I am), it's jealously that I'm physically closer to the girl I'm not dating than I was with her. And that's because I've gotten much less insecure about myself than I was a year ago. It's hardly fair. But she just up and moved lockers, gave back the gifts I gave her, and won't even look at me in the hallways.

And you know what's even worse, apparently what she did to me is a completely different thing than what we're apparently doing, even though (if we were doing it, which, we're not) it's exactly the same thing.

It's frustruating. And it made me feel like crap all day. She won't even talk to us about it.

[evisiron]

Man, today was awesome :smallannoyed:

Not only did I completely lose a friend (my ex) because of jealously, but I also figure out that she was seeing someone a week before she broke it off with me.



Of course, I don't know the people involved or the situation, but that second sentence makes me think that you don't need her as a friend. As for her behaviour now, there is a chance it could be her shifting the guilt so she feels bad about you instead of herself.

All I can say is none of this seems to be your fault, so I am not sure if there is anything you can do.


Now, someone else will come in and give much better advice since they actually know what they are talking about (so listen to them):

[SilentNight]

So, playground, I turn to you again, this time for personal reasons.

I recently developed feelings for this girl I've known my practically my whole life. We've been friends but haven't really hung out on a regular basis until now. Problem is I can't quite tell if the attraction is mutual. We're both a little awkward but I'm afraid hers might be due to knowing about my feelings, wanting to remain friends but also being afraid to discourage me. (If that makes sense, I really don't know how to explain).

I'm also afraid that even if she doesn't know, finding out and/or me asking her out will ruin our friendship which I really don't want. So, playground, W.W.Y.D.?

[The Rose Dragon]

I have a rather private question I would like some advice on. Since, for private reasons, I disabled PMs from most people, anyone that has an ear and some advice to spare, can you please state here if you can help me?

Thanks a lot in advance.

[loopy]

Well, asked the girl I like to clarify the situation, and she told me off for taking so long to tell her, and said we should go out for drinks if and when she breaks up with her boyfriend.

Now, to resist the urge to go relationship sabotaging... :smallwink:


...



Hooray! I like a girl who likes me! First time thats happened!

[Vizen]

@The Rose Dragon: Depends on what it's about I guess, but if I can't help you, I can at least lend a sympathetic ear if you like.

@Loopy: Congratulations! Its a pity she's already taken, but if you two are close, and you stay that way, perhaps she'll eventually call off the relationship with that guy for you, wouldn't that be nice? My girlfriend and I were originally dating other people when we met and broke it off with our respective partners to be with each other. Its very nice. =)

[reorith]

Well, asked the girl I like to clarify the situation, and she told me off for taking so long to tell her, and said we should go out for drinks if and when she breaks up with her boyfriend.

Now, to resist the urge to go relationship sabotaging... :smallwink:


...



Hooray! I like a girl who likes me! First time thats happened!

nice! i'd be more than happy to sabotage their relationship for you.
dirty deeds, done dirt cheap for free.

[alchemyprime]

My inbox is open to any problem

Even yours RoseDragon.


[email protected]

[mercurymaline]

Originally posted in the Depression Thread, more of a relationship issue. Reposting in case anyone here has any thoughts on the matter.
My partner and I have always had a strange relationship. We have a limited amount of time together, we've always known that. (It's complicated and personal, but we've got 1-2 years left, max.) He recently decided there's little point trying to be together when we're working against a ticking clock. Rather than make the most of the remaining time, he's backed way off, and put up a wall, practically overnight. He's become extremely cold, and it's painful. I'm not sure if I should try to maintain a friendship, or just avoid him. (More complication, we're contracted to the same house for another year.)

@Rose Dragon: I'm no psychiatrist, and I'm not without issues, but if ever you want advice on something you don't want to post, I'd be happy to listen, and give what advice I can.


morbid

[Vampiric]

TRD, my PM box is available to you, if you are looking for advice or a friendly ear.

[Mr. Mud]

So, playground, I turn to you again, this time for personal reasons.

I recently developed feelings for this girl I've known my practically my whole life. We've been friends but haven't really hung out on a regular basis until now. Problem is I can't quite tell if the attraction is mutual. We're both a little awkward but I'm afraid hers might be due to knowing about my feelings, wanting to remain friends but also being afraid to discourage me. (If that makes sense, I really don't know how to explain).

I'm also afraid that even if she doesn't know, finding out and/or me asking her out will ruin our friendship which I really don't want. So, playground, W.W.Y.D.?

I had the same problem a while ago, and after tearing myself apart figuring out what to do, I'd rather risk my friendship with her for something deeper, than be the guy who missed his chance, and regretted it for years too come... Although, I knew this particular girl wouldn't hold it against me, no matter how I felt... And she didn't have feeling's for me, and that hurt a lot... But I don't regret it, and now we are closer than ever (Which still hurts in a way.)

Good Luck :smallbiggrin:.

[onasuma]

Oh mighty playground, yet again I turn to you for help. You may well remember a few weeks back i spoke of a girl who asked me out, and in the end i gave it a shot, to see if i could get any feelings for her. To be frank, they arent really very prominant.
My problem now is that I cant seem to end it. When i had planned to do so earlier, she ended up (without me having voiced my feelings at the time) telling me about how i "hate" her, "just like everyone else" as well as how she has no friends and how i never try to help. I just dont think i can leave someone in a state like that, but i dont think i can stand another one of those without losing my will to live.
So again i ask you playground, what do i do?

Edit Silentnight: oh boy do i know that feeling. Seriously though , go for it and ask her. When i felt like that about someone who id been friends with for an age (not her /\) i spent ages chickening out of asking her but when i did, although hard to bear to begin with i felt so much better about my self it was unbelivable.

[ForzaFiori]

Oh mighty playground, yet again I turn to you for help. You may well remember a few weeks back i spoke of a girl who asked me out, and in the end i gave it a shot, to see if i could get any feelings for her. To be frank, they arent really very prominant.
My problem now is that I cant seem to end it. When i had planned to do so earlier, she ended up (without me having voiced my feelings at the time) telling me about how i "hate" her, "just like everyone else" as well as how she has no friends and how i never try to help. I just dont think i can leave someone in a state like that, but i dont think i can stand another one of those without losing my will to live.
So again i ask you playground, what do i do?


I've had times like this with my girlfriend. Thankfully, its just times when she manages to get me mad (which isn't often) and it seems that every time i think "maybe i should just dump her" she says something that makes me think that I would be a horrible person for leaving her. Thankfully though, its a good thing in my case. All I can say for you though is that you have to keep yourself happy. While keeping other people happy is important, without being happy yourself, its nearly impossible to help others.

[Syka]

TRD, my inbox is open. :)

I don't really have much relevant for the other people, except SilentNight- you have to decide if you could still be friends with her while crushing on her. I, and my friends, have crushed on each other (unbeknownst to each other) and the feelings passed and we are now good friends. Another friend I had and I crushed on each other and he went out on a limb and we have now been dating over a year.

The only time it was awkward when a friend told me he liked me was the following situation: A. a party where he had been drinking that B. I'd attended with a mutual friend who I was dating C. four days before I was moving away. That was a little weird...mostly I think due to the alcohol and the date thing. >>

Cheers~

[SilentNight]

@Syka/onasuma/Mrmud: Thanks guys, I'm pretty sure I can be content with just being friends but I'm still a little scared. Dunno what I'll do. Although there is that Mark Twain quote


Twenty years from now, a man will look back and regret more the things he didn't do than the things he did.

@onasuma: To be honest I don't have much expierience with that situation. The one time it happened to me the girl subsequently left. My advice is to let her down easy and set her up with one of your friends. Don't know exactly how to go about that though. Good luck.

@TRD: If you want a sixth opinion, my inbox is open as well.

[Felixaar]

Averagejoe, most people resist offers of help the first time or two. I do myself, normally. Just be persistent with them, if they dont really want help then they wont take it - mainly, ask once, then ask if they're SURE, and point out it's no problem.

alchemyprime, congrats :smallamused:

FMA, not worth your time. It's a pain in the ass but if she has a problem with it, that's her problem. Ofcourse if you really do want to talk to her about it I guess you just have to keep trying to get her to talk to you.

SilentNight, probably a good idea to, rather than ask her, tell her that you like her and are not sure what to do about it - that you want to know how she feels, but you dont want it to be awkward or anything. Pretty much just say the same thing to her as you told us, and if she says she's not interested, drop it off. If she is, then go for it.

Ona, thats a tough one, but the longer you are in the relationship the harder it's going to be. I guess you just need to tell her that you want to be friends and support her, but you dont feel attracted to her. It'll be hard.

morbidwombat, unfortunately, that's his choice. I'd reccomend trying to stay away for a few months till you can get over it, and then slowly become friends again, over time. Good luck.

[SilentNight]

SilentNight, probably a good idea to, rather than ask her, tell her that you like her and are not sure what to do about it - that you want to know how she feels, but you dont want it to be awkward or anything. Pretty much just say the same thing to her as you told us, and if she says she's not interested, drop it off. If she is, then go for it.


Thanks, that sounds good, if I can pull it off. Might even try it today, depending on how things go.

[AKA_Bait]

Oh mighty playground, yet again I turn to you for help. You may well remember a few weeks back i spoke of a girl who asked me out, and in the end i gave it a shot, to see if i could get any feelings for her. To be frank, they arent really very prominant.
My problem now is that I cant seem to end it. When i had planned to do so earlier, she ended up (without me having voiced my feelings at the time) telling me about how i "hate" her, "just like everyone else" as well as how she has no friends and how i never try to help. I just dont think i can leave someone in a state like that, but i dont think i can stand another one of those without losing my will to live.
So again i ask you playground, what do i do?


You need to be honest with her. If you don't have romantic feelings for her, then that's that and pretending that you do will only make the situaton worse for her in the long run. That said, be nice about it. Nice and firm. It seems that you don't have a problem spending time with the young lady, just that the romantic vibe isn't there. Explain to her that you don't hate her and that the fact that you don't hate her is a reason you don't want to string her along. You can still hang out, and be an ear for her if you want to try that, but make it very clear that your future relationship will be strictly platonic and that you will and you hope she will, see other people when the right ones come along.

[sktarq]

Right:

Morbid: Why only 1-2 years? Health? Moving? Could be rather important to why things have gone cold

FMA: Good ridance! And you can tell everyone in the hall that.

Silentnight: I reiterate that telling her that you don't want it to be akward but frankly getting off your chest and working through it will be less akward in the long run......Or at least it was with some two score female friends I've gone through that with.

TRD: *glare* I have stated that my PM box is always open. That includes you. I have come up clueless a few times (sorry Armin...but I just don't know what do say to help you) but nothing I've ever heard muttering in the darkest shadow ITP has made me flinch yet. So fire away.

Loopy: Keep the sabotage subtle. It is okay to remind her of your position from time to time but either keep it in a very joking light tone or better yet smoldering glances - a touch of the hand et al

[loopy]

Loopy: Keep the sabotage subtle. It is okay to remind her of your position from time to time but either keep it in a very joking light tone or better yet smoldering glances - a touch of the hand et al

Have to say, I've never been good at smouldering consistently. I have the annoying habit of breaking the mood with some light teasing or a joke. Its a problem. :smallsmile:

Oh, and yes, I'll be keeping the sabotage subtle. Her current boyfriend is a rugby player. I'm a former geek-turned social butterfly-slash-rave kiddie, and we all know how resilient butterflies are.

If he ever finds out I'm planning on using my String Shot attack to reduce his Speed and then Double Team my pretty self out of the area. :smallbiggrin:

[The Rose Dragon]

TRD: *glare* I have stated that my PM box is always open. That includes you. I have come up clueless a few times (sorry Armin...but I just don't know what do say to help you) but nothing I've ever heard muttering in the darkest shadow ITP has made me flinch yet. So fire away.

I'm scared of that glare there. :smalltongue:

[onasuma]

The deed is done. I hope that that gets easier with experience. At least she didnt take it too badly.

Edit: Scratch that.

[SilentNight]

The deed is done. I hope that that gets easier with experience. At least she didnt take it too badly.

Edit: Scratch that.

Oy vey, my condolences. Well, I chickened out but there's always next time......

[mercurymaline]

@ Felixaar and Sktarq:
The details are...a bit hard to talk about publicly. I understand his issue to an extent: The logical part of him wants to distance himself to avoid pain, but the emotional part is having trouble going through with it. So I'm getting obnoxious mixed messages. At this point, I'm just trying to give him space so he can get himself sorted out. I always knew this would happen, I'm just having a bit of trouble coping. To be completely honest, I was hoping (just a little, deep down) that we wouldn't last long enough for this to happen. And I feel all the more horrible for wanting that.


morbid

[Serpentine]

Could I please get some PMing advice from any guys who have dealt with, or are dealing with, a problem of prolonged and excessive arousal? It's about a friend. No, really.

Morbid: Hard to say anything without knowing the details, but it could just be a matter of self-defence sort of thing, his way of trying to protect himself. Sounds like you get that though, anyway.

Onasuma: Give her space and time. Lots of both. Tell her (if it's true) that she can call on you anytime, and maybe check in on her occasionally, but she will need lots of time away from you to deal with it. Possibly even if she doesn't know it.

Loopy: Sounds to me like pretty much the best response possible...

My inbox is also always open.

[Felixaar]

Ona, I'm proud of you, bud.

wombat, just give him space. Whenever you talk to him be short and sweet, and try not to indulge him too much - it's like you say, he knows he should try to put it down now but he just cant help himself, he wants to be with you. I know the situation, sort of, and I hated the girl who was doing this to me, but now I know that it was for the best and am glad she did it. If you'd like to talk about the details of the relationship ending thing privately, your more than welcome to send me a PM - after all, I would say that you should never give up on love, but there may be details in it that I don't understand.

[Ego Slayer]

*pokes head into thread*
>>
hai guize
<<

Okay, first, not really my own problem here. :P I was talking with a certain Gitper yesterday, and due to their own situation I got to wondering... how exactly does one get over (or even try to) an unrequited crush? :smallconfused: If they're a friend/someone you see often, I don't think one can just wake up one day with the willpower to try and ignore feelings. I mean, I meant to try myself once, really, but decided it's no use. And at least in their situation, it might just end up being depressing seeing them with someone else, or missing the chance to tell them how you feel. So, really... if it's someone you've long liked and see often, is there much possibility to move on any faster than whatever it's natural life-span would be...which miiight be kinda long. :P

*waves to certain gitper* Hay dood... you're probably reading this... hope you don't mind kinda mixed some of your situation into the question... if it's whiny then I'll take the whine-blame for ya. :smalltongue:

[Midnight Son]

*pokes head into thread*
>>
hai guize
<<

Okay, first, not really my own problem here. :P I was talking with a certain Gitper yesterday, and due to their own situation I got to wondering... how exactly does one get over (or even try to) an unrequited crush? :smallconfused: If they're a friend/someone you see often, I don't think one can just wake up one day with the willpower to try and ignore feelings. I mean, I meant to try myself once, really, but decided it's no use. And at least in their situation, it might just end up being depressing seeing them with someone else, or missing the chance to tell them how you feel. So, really... if it's someone you've long liked and see often, is there much possibility to move on any faster than whatever it's natural life-span would be...which miiight be kinda long. :P

*waves to certain gitper* Hay dood... you're probably reading this... hope you don't mind kinda mixed some of your situation into the question... if it's whiny then I'll take the whine-blame for ya. :smalltongue:The only way I was able to get over my feelings for my friend in Las Vegas was to move. Constant association with someone you love is likely to increase the feelings. Attempting to decrease them by association is only going to work if the person in question is really an asshat.

That said, since you say crush, not love, I have found that falling in love with someone else can shatter the hold a previous unrequited crush had on me. The problem is finding someone else to fall for. One method I tried was, once I knew I was going to have no chance with her, to use her as a springboard to meeting other women*. Since it is known that women tend to be attracted to men who have a female friend(IE. "She doesn't find him disgusting, so he can't be a complete jackass."), I'd go places with her in order to meet other ladies.

*didn't work, since my heart was all hers by then, but it should work for a simple crush.

[Ego Slayer]

That said, since you say crush, not love, I have found that falling in love with someone else can shatter the hold a previous unrequited crush had on me.
Well, I say crush... but I'm not entirely sure at what point a crush evolves into love. S'another wondering there, yeah. :smallconfused:

[Dallas-Dakota]

Well I had that. Due to circumstances, I went to a different school(not her), and I´m still figuring out how to get over her.

:smallfrown:

Also, *welcomes Ego into society of avians*

[Midnight Son]

Well I had that. Due to circumstances, I went to a different school(not her), and I´m still figuring out how to get over her.

:smallfrown:

Also, *welcomes Ego into society of avians*Took me a year, at least after moving to stop having such strong feelings for her.

Also, I did not move to get away from her. I just had financial issues that were being exacerbated in Vegas.

Unrequited love is a hard thing, because you do not want to stop associating with the person in question. Why would you? You love them and we humans want to hang around the people we love(we're strange like that, I know). It can get to be unhealthy for both of you, however. Ego, I'd strongly suggest your friend stop associating with said person if at all possible(assuming they are trying to get over it).

[Dallas-Dakota]

`s been over 1 1/2 year now and I still think about her.

[Midnight Son]

`s been over 1 1/2 year now and I still think about her.Its been over 10 years since I left and I still think fondly of her. She's married to a great guy and has kids now. You will find that with all of your best relationships, even if they don't work out in the long run, you will hold a place for them in your heart, even if its no longer the burning passion you once felt. Try to find another girl to fall in love with(yes, it is possible to love more than one person). You will find that as the new relationship grows, your feelings for the other girl will lessen.

[Ego Slayer]

Yeesh, D-D. Long time. *hugs* :smallfrown:
Mine is at a mere 10 months. :P
And I should not even talk about it here.

Also, kinda on the same note... how valid is an e-crush? Honestly, in my little experience, I've fallen for people who I didn't feel so strongly about before and fallen away from those I previously felt strongly for online. Has all put me in a bit of confusion, as I have feelings for two people... one which I mentioned above and was mostly because I met them, and the other I probably never will meet. The former is longer standing, and valid or something, and the other confuses me, because it's still entirely possible that it wouldn't feel the same in rl. It's a bit frustrating. :smallconfused:

[Castaras]

I'd say E-crushes are completely valid. >.>

Although, I am extremely biased in that respect.

[Jimp]

I have a problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?

Copy and pasted for your enjoyment.

[SilentNight]

*pokes head into thread*
>>
hai guize
<<

Okay, first, not really my own problem here. :P I was talking with a certain Gitper yesterday, and due to their own situation I got to wondering... how exactly does one get over (or even try to) an unrequited crush? :smallconfused: If they're a friend/someone you see often, I don't think one can just wake up one day with the willpower to try and ignore feelings. I mean, I meant to try myself once, really, but decided it's no use. And at least in their situation, it might just end up being depressing seeing them with someone else, or missing the chance to tell them how you feel. So, really... if it's someone you've long liked and see often, is there much possibility to move on any faster than whatever it's natural life-span would be...which miiight be kinda long. :P


To be honest, I haven't really found a sure-fire way. If they end up going out with someone else you can just tell yourself that they're inaccessible, although it doesn't always work. I was fortunate to have few classes with my unrequited crush but as soon as I spent one day hanging out with her, BAM! It all came back like a sucker punch to the gut.

@Jimp: I can't guarantee that I'll have relevant advice but my inbox is open.

As far as my personal situation goes, she actually called me and did exactly what you all told me to do so problem solved I guess. Although it doesn't help the awkwardness a lot. :smallsigh:

[Felixaar]

Wait, SN, so what actually happened?

and Ego, as said theres not really any sure way. Best way I think is simply to distance yourself from the person at time, but ofcourse as you say if you see them constantly it's difficult. I managed to unrequitedly crush on a girl for a bout two years before I eventually got over it - I suppose you just have to wait it out.

[ghost_warlock]

*pokes head into thread*
>>
hai guize
<<

Okay, first, not really my own problem here. :P I was talking with a certain Gitper yesterday, and due to their own situation I got to wondering... how exactly does one get over (or even try to) an unrequited crush? :smallconfused: If they're a friend/someone you see often, I don't think one can just wake up one day with the willpower to try and ignore feelings. I mean, I meant to try myself once, really, but decided it's no use. And at least in their situation, it might just end up being depressing seeing them with someone else, or missing the chance to tell them how you feel. So, really... if it's someone you've long liked and see often, is there much possibility to move on any faster than whatever it's natural life-span would be...which miiight be kinda long. :P

*waves to certain gitper* Hay dood... you're probably reading this... hope you don't mind kinda mixed some of your situation into the question... if it's whiny then I'll take the whine-blame for ya. :smalltongue:

Although it may not be the most healthy method, I usually go with a "sour grapes" approach; I find/invent some irredeemable fault in a woman so that I'm no longer attracted to her. And, if the person isn't interested in me, or isn't even aware that I exist, it's not like I'm going to hurt her feelings for deciding she sucks/I don't like her anymore. :smallwink:

I usually enjoy the bittersweet-ness of crushes but occasionally I've hit a point where it becomes much more bitter than sweet and just too painful to endure.

As for e-crushes, I suppose they could be considered "valid" (although, I'm not really sure what valid even means with respect to crushes). The probability of an e-crush turning into a relationship is effectively zero for me so it's not something I concern myself with much.

I'm the type of guy who falls quickly and stays enamored for a long time, though I seldom act on these feelings. For the last several years I suppose this has largely been due to the fact that I'm already in a relationship and I'm no 'the cheatin' kind.' Mostly, I simply enjoy the rush, the heart-skipping-a-beat, and gentle warmth of a smile across my face when my crush appears. :smallsmile:

[Jenkins]

So here goes nothing...

First off, my situation. My ex and I broke up about 8 months ago. I was head over heels for this girl. Tough times, but I soldiered through. She ends up dating a guy thats uncomfortably similar to me personality-wise. Okay, also tough but I can deal. She wanted to move in with a bunch of our friends ( dating inside the circle of friends was probably a poor choice) including my best friend. This guy's more like my brother than my actual brother. That would have been the toughest, luckily it fell through. Now here's the kicker, I still hang out with one of her close friends, and as fate would have it, I have taken a fancy to this new girl. I've talked to her about it and she shares the same feelings. Unfortunately, it has been stated that the ex would never approve and therefore, we can never be. Right now we hang out all the time, slightly more than usual, and are on a level thats just a hair below dating. This is the most frustrating situation that I can recall being in. [/rant]

So. The Best Friend. Also fell for a girl, and when I say fell, he probably broke something. She left him because she was going away for school and didn't want to have to deal with the long distance issues. Now she's dating a new guy (big tool) and is going to attend the same college as him. TBF is torn up. Badly. Its been a year and a half and sometimes he goes into lapeses that are murder trying to get him out of. He just met a new girl and called me about her, he was all sorts of nervous and scared. I gave him what I think is the best advice that I have given as of yet. "It's okay to love again."
They just started officially dating a couple of days ago. All of my fingers and toes are crossed. It's possible to love again. I've seen it happen. You just have to let it.

[The Rose Dragon]

Summary of my issues (note: if I have declared a crush on you previously (which is, like, four people in the entire Playground), would you kindly not open the spoiler? Thankee.):

So, basically, my problem is that I'm obsessed.

Remember the girl I mentioned before? I still have a crush on her. "Still" being after five or six months. Any crushes I might have usually last up to two or three months and afterwards there is only what might be called a sexual attraction.

This time, I'm thinking of wedding plans and what would happen if our children are not beautiful like her but ugly like me.

I don't think I am in love with her, since I've never even met her, so the term I use is "obsessed".

There are some good things, too, of course. We talk more often (usually on PMs, but sometimes on MSN), so at least I know her better than I did when I first developed a crush on her. And I assume she feels a bit closer to me, too.

Yet she says she's not ready for anything romantic at the moment and would rather be friends.

I've tried moving on, developing crushes on other girls, but it doesn't work. At best, I can feel a sexual attraction but I can't actually like them the way I like her.

And sacrificing infant souls have proved futile, too, so I don't know what to do. :smalltongue:

Thus, I turn to the RW&A thread. The problem with that is, she might read it and get freaked out and cut off any contact with me, so... PMs.

Any advice on what to do from here?

[Quincunx]

The Rose Dragon, in spoilers to respect the original spoiler content:


First, I appreciate the honesty of using a word which isn't "love" when you two haven't met yet and you place a high value upon RL meetings. Would "fixation" be a less creepy-stalker-type word to use?

Second, I can only tell you about my experience, or about the experience of my husband, who waited a few years for me to reciprocate his feelings. Is that hope?

Third, if you will have to move abroad for cementing an e-relationship (and I get that vibe from this), what career will you have? I know that you wanted to study abroad, but not why. Nursing or care-giving training will give you unbelievable mobility; the demand for medical helping hands will not diminish any time soon.

[The Rose Dragon]

Well, it does give me some hope.

I wanted to study abroad because, frankly, there are no good jobs in the field of Molecular Genetics in Turkey. And studying abroad pre-graduation often helps one find a career in that country later.

That it helps me get much closer to more than a few awesome people is just a bonus. :smallamused: :smallwink:

[Felixaar]

Jenkins, how do you know that your ex would be against it? She might be more reasonable than you suspect. And if not, remember that if she has a problem with it that's her problem.

TRD,
Amen brother, I know how you feel. If you happen to find the light at the end of the tunnel before I do, give me a call.

[SilentNight]

@Jenkins: I'm with Felix, try and clarify the situation.

@Felixaar:So yeah, Friday we hung out with some other friends and I couldn't get up the guts to tell her. Then Saturday night she called me and just said, "I like you," which led to a conversation with numerous awkward pauses where we decided to give it a shot. I'm feeling a lot better now too.

[Felixaar]

Sczore, Man! *high-fives* :smalltongue:

In all seriousness though, I hope it works out well.

[SilentNight]

*high fives back* thanks and thanks for the advice too.

[AKA_Bait]

The deed is done. I hope that that gets easier with experience. At least she didnt take it too badly.

Edit: Scratch that.

I'm also proud of you dude. A warning, it's not going to get easier with experience. Or, at least you should hope that it doesn't. This kind of situation means that you have to hurt someone in the short term in order to hurt them less in the long term. It sucks. Hurting someone, even for their own long term good, is never easy for someone with a kind heart. Just take some comfort in the fact that this kind of thing is for the best and the fact that it is hard is proof that you aren't an unfeeling mean person.


Jenkins, how do you know that your ex would be against it? She might be more reasonable than you suspect. And if not, remember that if she has a problem with it that's her problem.


I totally agree with this. The ex doesn't and shouldn't have any say over who you or her friends date. That said, not causing trouble (even unfair irrational trouble) might be something you or her friend want to avoid. So, if it turns out that the ex will be a problem, I suggest talking to her about it in a mature and calm way.

@TRD: Studying abroad might be a good thing for this situation and generally. It never hurts to broaden ones horizions. My caution is this, don't exclude good options for study because they aren't near/in the same place as the person you have an unrequited crush on. A change of scenery, and meeting new people in a foreign land, might be just the thing you need to get over the situation as well.

I'd even suggest breaking your normal routine where you are now. I don't know what the public social situation is like where you are (I'm somewhat spoiled living in New York and having countless places to go and things to do) but regardless there are probably things you have an interest in that you haven't pursued in a social way or, as frequently happens, you have neglected as a result of getting fixated on your crush. And by this I mean things that have nothing to do with romance but that you find intellectually stimulating. It should be something that gets you out of the house and out in the world with people you don't know. For example, when one of my old relationships broke up, I found that getting into the local indie music scene helped put distance between myself and the relationship. It gave me something new and exciting to think about. Try it with whatever interests you, if you haven't already.

[three08]

to ego slayer, re. e-crushes:

Also, kinda on the same note... how valid is an e-crush? Honestly, in my little experience, I've fallen for people who I didn't feel so strongly about before and fallen away from those I previously felt strongly for online. Has all put me in a bit of confusion, as I have feelings for two people... one which I mentioned above and was mostly because I met them, and the other I probably never will meet. The former is longer standing, and valid or something, and the other confuses me, because it's still entirely possible that it wouldn't feel the same in rl. It's a bit frustrating. :smallconfused:

that's always a challenge. you want to visit the person on a short-term basis before committing to anything, i can tell you that much for certain. my senior year of college i met a chap online and we really hit it off. transitioned to phone calls, etc. come feb/march, he's dating someone where he is (which is nyc, while i am attending the university of hawaii, just to give you some scope of the thing). i didn't anticipate how much that would upset me, which was a clue that maybe i was fonder of this gent even than i thought. anyway over spring break i flew out and visited for a few days. thereafter he dumped the other gent and when i graduated, instead of moving home to denver per the original plan, i moved across the country, to the fricking east coast, when i'd never been further east than chicago occasionally, and here we are a year plus later and it's only getting better.

so sometimes e-crushes are valid.

but, as stated above, you don't want to leap without looking. another chap i know from online, that i quickly became fond of? haven't had anything like a real conversation with him in over a year, because it turns out he plays WoW, and when he does i can't get any of his time. i even tried playing it for a bit but he couldn't be bothered to take any time to slum with a lowbie like me. so make sure you know what you're getting into.

[Jenkins]

how do you know that your ex would be against it? She might be more reasonable than you suspect.
TBF talks to her a lot, sort of a casual spy. It has been brought up, she said she was fine with me dating, just not her close friends.


That said, not causing trouble (even unfair irrational trouble) might be something you or her friend want to avoid. So, if it turns out that the ex will be a problem, I suggest talking to her about it in a mature and calm way.
Herein lies the problem, her friend wants to avoid problems. She is really aware/conserned about her relationships with her close friends as she has few close girl-friends. I hung out with the ex for the first time in a while on saturday and was inches away from broaching the subject and decided to just have fun and try to keep the friendship. We talked about hanging out some more so I'm thinking I'll bring it up in the near future.

[paladin_carvin]

Well, I say crush... but I'm not entirely sure at what point a crush evolves into love. S'another wondering there, yeah. :smallconfused:

Crushes don't evolve into love. Crushes, at best, evolve into attraction, which hopefully gets reciprocated. Then, it evolves into a relationship of some form... which then becomes love.

In other words, Charmander doesn't become Charizard in one level.

E-crushes are just the same as any other crush. They mean little other than the delightful feeling they cause you. The main difference is that the likelihood that it will ever become something worth-while is very slim... nearly not there.

[paladin_carvin]

Well, asked the girl I like to clarify the situation, and she told me off for taking so long to tell her, and said we should go out for drinks if and when she breaks up with her boyfriend.

Now, to resist the urge to go relationship sabotaging... :smallwink:


...



Hooray! I like a girl who likes me! First time thats happened!

Copngrats. My suggestion? Ask her to go out for drinks anyway. You know, as friends. ~_^

[Castaras]

E-crushes are just the same as any other crush. They mean little other than the delightful feeling they cause you. The main difference is that the likelihood that it will ever become something worth-while is very slim... nearly not there.

Don't say that. T_T I know quite a few crushes on these forums that have gone places - There's two playground marriages I know of, and another two who are engaged. Really, it isn't that improbable. :smallwink:

And they're just from this forum! Another place I go, a Clan I joined in one of my MMORPGs, has a husband and wife who met through that game.

[Calamity]

E-crushes are just the same as any other crush. They mean little other than the delightful feeling they cause you. The main difference is that the likelihood that it will ever become something worth-while is very slim... nearly not there.


Don't say that. T_T

Seconded and thirded, Cassie. I know of someone who travelled to the other side of the world to be in a relationship with someone she met in a game. Now, I don't consider that nothing, do you?

[Pyrian]

Crushes don't evolve into love. Crushes, at best, evolve into attraction, which hopefully gets reciprocated. Then, it evolves into a relationship of some form... which then becomes love.You just contradicted yourself. "Evolve" specifically includes a spectrum of states in between.

[Castaras]

Seconded and thirded, Cassie. I know of someone who travelled to the other side of the world to be in a relationship with someone she met in a game. Now, I don't consider that nothing, do you?

Yeah... one of the ladies in my other org flew from America to Sweden just so she could see someone she had a deep crush on. They're happily going out still, from what I remember. Haven't seen them around much recently. =/

[The Rose Dragon]

Yeah... one of the ladies in my other org flew from America to Sweden just so she could see someone she had a deep crush on. They're happily going out still, from what I remember. Haven't seen them around much recently. =/

Why doesn't that happen to me? It happens to everyone else.

[AKA_Bait]

Why doesn't that happen to me? It happens to everyone else.

No, it doesn't. I does happen, but it's not the majority of the time. My wife had never even heard of OotS or WotC and had never even considred playing a game of D&D when I met her. Most of us find love outside the playground in other parts of our lives. Mine was a coffee shop in Bronxville. Yours may not be on the boards either.

[zeratul]

First off, my situation. My ex and I broke up about 8 months ago. I was head over heels for this girl. Tough times, but I soldiered through. She ends up dating a guy thats uncomfortably similar to me personality-wise. Okay, also tough but I can deal. She wanted to move in with a bunch of our friends ( dating inside the circle of friends was probably a poor choice) including my best friend. This guy's more like my brother than my actual brother. That would have been the toughest, luckily it fell through. Now here's the kicker, I still hang out with one of her close friends, and as fate would have it, I have taken a fancy to this new girl. I've talked to her about it and she shares the same feelings. Unfortunately, it has been stated that the ex would never approve and therefore, we can never be. Right now we hang out all the time, slightly more than usual, and are on a level thats just a hair below dating. This is the most frustrating situation that I can recall being in. [/rant]


Why does your ex not approving have anything to do with it? You two have feelings for each other you should date, ex girl can get over it.

[loopy]

Copngrats. My suggestion? Ask her to go out for drinks anyway. You know, as friends. ~_^

The problem is that this girl is a few months shy of 18, so asking her out for drinks is a bit of a different thing in this situation. Its more "lets get a few bottles and go out to a beach somewhere".

Not that I'm against that, by any means, its just she might see the potential romantic-y stuff. I don't know, its a tough one.

...Maybe I could leverage the whole "I turn 21 on Sunday" thing to my advantage...

[DraPrime]

Why does your ex not approving have anything to do with it? You two have feelings for each other you should date, ex girl can get over it.

I'm going to have to second this. Ex moved on to another guy, so why shouldn't you move onto another girl, even if she doesn't approve.

[Syka]

I'll put in a word for the ex. There is a difference between dating a random guy and dating your ex's friend. I generally avoid friend's of exes and ex's of friends. It just cuts down on drama and all.

As I said, it's different than a third party. Particularly if the person in the middle is made to choose or something, like in this situation it doesn't sound like they are still getting along.

But, that's how I see it and why I won't date in a person in the aforementioned situation.

Cheers,
Syka

[Tragic_Comedian]

Is it odd that my best friend and his sister look just alike, but I think his sister is very attractive?

[paladin_carvin]

You just contradicted yourself. "Evolve" specifically includes a spectrum of states in between.

Hmmm, well... I would generally state such a thing as 'eventually evolve'. But, I suppose you are technically correct (the best kind of correct). I will relinquish on that point and correct my testimony to reflect it. 'A crush does not immediately evolve into love'.


No, it doesn't. I does happen, but it's not the majority of the time. My wife had never even heard of OotS or WotC and had never even considred playing a game of D&D when I met her. Most of us find love outside the playground in other parts of our lives. Mine was a coffee shop in Bronxville. Yours may not be on the boards either.

Same here, my fiance didn't know of OoTS or play D&D.

[Jenkins]

I'll put in a word for the ex. There is a difference between dating a random guy and dating your ex's friend.
But it's not that cut and dry, I've been friends with both girls for a few years, I just happened to date one. Our group didn't really take sides or split up based on allegiences, my ex and I just stopped talking/hanging out so the new crush isn't just the ex's friend.


I generally avoid friend's of exes and ex's of friends. It just cuts down on drama and all.
I learn lots of lessons the hard way.


As I said, it's different than a third party. Particularly if the person in the middle is made to choose or something, like in this situation it doesn't sound like they are still getting along
The two girls have started to drift appart so I'm not sure how this will pan out. I'm playing the waiting game right now and it kind of sucks a lot.




Is it odd that my best friend and his sister look just alike, but I think his sister is very attractive?

I don't think so. Are they twins, or at least close in age? If they have a similar personality it's perfectly reasonable. Now the whole dating best friends sister...different story.

[DraPrime]

Is it odd that my best friend and his sister look just alike, but I think his sister is very attractive?

No. One is male, one is female, and that can make a lot more difference than you think when it comes to attraction.

[Tragic_Comedian]

I don't think so. Are they twins, or at least close in age? If they have a similar personality it's perfectly reasonable. Now the whole dating best friends sister...different story.

They aren't twins. They are one year apart.

[Dragonrider]

My best friend and my brother aren't DATING exactly (she lives VERY far away), but they're ATTACHED. If you know what I mean. :smalltongue: It's a little weird sometimes but I approve. So whatever.....

[Jenkins]

@^ It's good that you're supportive. Even if it is weird for you, two people whom you care about make each other happy, I say let them.

[Zarrexaij]

I think the person I'm with is fixing to break it off.

I'd explain, but I'm ridiculously miserable right now and don't want to spend any more time thinking or discussing it. I'm already having a hard enough time trying to figure out how to come up with money to pay my college bills....

[Felixaar]

In other words, Charmander doesn't become Charizard in one level.

I think this is quite possibly the best metaphor ever used in the RWA.

Syka make's a good point on the opinion of ex's and close friends, but I am ultimately the kind of guy who says that if it's love, nothing should stand in the way. Though ofcourse, you dont exactly want to have your first kiss atop the strewn corpses of everyone you ever loved or cared about, so I guess you have to draw the line somewhere. Yeah, that was a FUN weekend.
Comedian, I wouldn't worry about it so much :smallsmile:

Huh Doc, I thought your (eldest) brother was too young for that (I mean, 'too young' is objective but I assume your best friend is around your age). Ofcourse I could have his age wrong. *snorts* wouldn't it be funny if it wasn't your eldest brother? ...Well, it'd make me laugh.

*hugs Zarr*

[The Rose Dragon]

Though ofcourse, you dont exactly want to have your first kiss atop the strewn corpses of everyone you ever loved or cared about, so I guess you have to draw the line somewhere.

I dunno, it could be kinda sweet. As long as it's her loved ones and not mine. :smalltongue:

[Felixaar]

Second time reading through, it actually does sound kind of hot. In that morbid sort of way.

[The Rose Dragon]

Of course, in the end it can only lead to a divorce or break up. Because someone will ask "Why was it my loved ones and not yours?!". And nothing good can come out of that.

[ghost_warlock]

Of course, in the end it can only lead to a divorce or break up. Because someone will ask "Why was it my loved ones and not yours?!". And nothing good can come out of that.

Or, conversely, "why wasn't it my 'loved ones' instead of yours!?" :smallwink:

[The Rose Dragon]

Or, conversely, "why wasn't it my 'loved ones' instead of yours!?" :smallwink:

In that case, the one who asks is a psychopath and should be dumped immediately.

Seriously, that's scary even for me.

[ghost_warlock]

In that case, the one who asks is a psychopath and should be dumped immediately.

Seriously, that's scary even for me.

Not meaning to further derail the thread, but all I meant by putting loved ones in single quotes, above, was that the loved ones in this scenario may not be all that they're cracked up to be. Sometimes our families/friends do more harm than good, and we'd really be better off without some of these 'loved ones.' (Speaking from the perspective of a guy who works at a mental health facility for abused children.)

Dark and tragic, yes. Psychopathic, perhaps not.

*scurries off*

[evisiron]

I think the person I'm with is fixing to break it off.

I'd explain, but I'm ridiculously miserable right now and don't want to spend any more time thinking or discussing it. I'm already having a hard enough time trying to figure out how to come up with money to pay my college bills....

Dude, that sucks. :smallfrown:

I hope that it turns out not to be the case, and wish you best of luck.
*Pats on shoulder*

[Dragonrider]

Huh Doc, I thought your (eldest) brother was too young for that (I mean, 'too young' is objective but I assume your best friend is around your age). Ofcourse I could have his age wrong. *snorts* wouldn't it be funny if it wasn't your eldest brother? ...Well, it'd make me laugh.


Nah. They're both about a year and a half younger than I am (she closer to two years). :smalltongue: I guess she's one of three-ish best RL friends...but yeah.

[Ego Slayer]

Nah, I'm not really into Pokémon. :smallamused:


I dunno, it could be kinda sweet. As long as it's her loved ones and not mine. :smalltongue:
That's like... exactly what I thought when I read Felix's post. *highfive*

[Felixaar]

Nah. They're both about a year and a half younger than I am (she closer to two years). :smalltongue: I guess she's one of three-ish best RL friends...but yeah.

Huh. *pulls a folder out of brain entitled '(DR's last name here) Family', makes several crossing motions with a black marker and scribbles something into the margin.*

And now I know :smallsmile:

On dead loved ones and their belongal (that should totally be a word) to our spouse, we should start a club!

[AKA_Bait]

...Maybe I could leverage the whole "I turn 21 on Sunday" thing to my advantage...

To be honest with you, I'd advise against it. If you are looking for anything more serious than a fling with this girl, then even if you succed in breaking up the relationship you need to ask yourself another question: what does the fact that I was able to break up her relationship with this person say about her character? Does it mean that she would allow someone else to interfere in our relationship and break up with me just as easily?

It's tough lesson to learn and one that took me a while to figure out. Being interested in someone tends to push considerations like that out of the picture, at least in the beginning. In the end though, it ususally doesn't bode well.

[Zarrexaij]

Yeah... we broke up last night.

I've been pretty depressed because of it.

We're still friends, but it hurts so badly.

He said he felt like he was using me for comfort and wanted to stop.

[Jenkins]

@^ I know how that is. It's going to be hard to keep talking to him, especially at first, i know it was for me. But if you want to keep the friendship, you have to work at it.

[SilentNight]

*Sticks head back in* *makes wild grab for hat as it is blown off by the speed of the thread* Hey guys, I've come back for some advice on the problem I posted a couple days and several pages ago. So for those that missed it, this friend I've known for a long time and recently developed feelings for, told me she likes me. So you'd think it'd be all well and good. Well no. For some reason the situation is completely awkward right now. I don't know what it is but even though we've both admitted mutual feelings we're even more awkward than before. I've never had this problem before. Help plz? (Sorry if it seems a bit rambly, I'm not thinking clearly right now.)

[Moonshadow]

Sit down with them and talk things over. The awkwardness isn't going to go away unless you do something. Its best to take small steps at first, remember that.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Just a little thing I've been thinking about for a while, and then I realized that relationship woes could extend to friends, too, I think.

Is there any cure for the feeling a friend doesn't trust you? I can't think of what I've done to him to break his trust, but he always seems wary around me, like I'm just waiting for a chance to strike or something. Makes me wonder what to do.

[turkishproverb]

Just a little thing I've been thinking about for a while, and then I realized that relationship woes could extend to friends, too, I think.

Is there any cure for the feeling a friend doesn't trust you? I can't think of what I've done to him to break his trust, but he always seems wary around me, like I'm just waiting for a chance to strike or something. Makes me wonder what to do.

Have you tried talking to him about it? Doing favors could cause problems if he's thinking your going to ask something in return.

[Pyrian]

...he always seems wary around me, like I'm just waiting for a chance to strike...Well, you are showing your hood, cobra. :smallbiggrin:

Seriously, well, mind-reading is an inexact art at best, so all you can really do is ask, I think. :smalleek:

[three08]

Just a little thing I've been thinking about for a while, and then I realized that relationship woes could extend to friends, too, I think.

Is there any cure for the feeling a friend doesn't trust you? I can't think of what I've done to him to break his trust, but he always seems wary around me, like I'm just waiting for a chance to strike or something. Makes me wonder what to do.

depending on this person's background, they may be like that with everyone. some people don't trust easily, or at all. as mentioned above, you'd have to ask to find out what's up, and there's no guarantee that will work because if this person is a friend of yours they may not want to cause trouble by saying things that could be interpreted as negative. still, just asking is your best bet.

[AKA_Bait]

*Sticks head back in* *makes wild grab for hat as it is blown off by the speed of the thread* Hey guys, I've come back for some advice on the problem I posted a couple days and several pages ago. So for those that missed it, this friend I've known for a long time and recently developed feelings for, told me she likes me. So you'd think it'd be all well and good. Well no. For some reason the situation is completely awkward right now. I don't know what it is but even though we've both admitted mutual feelings we're even more awkward than before. I've never had this problem before. Help plz? (Sorry if it seems a bit rambly, I'm not thinking clearly right now.)

If I'm reading this right, you are both interested in becoming more than friends and have admitted this to eachother. I suppose my question is then, have you grabbed her and kissed her yet? Because admitted feelings of mutual attraction and interest and then neither party making the first physical move can get awkward fast and cause each side to wonder if the other is really interested. Basically, if I have an accurate view of the situation, my advice is next time you see her, kiss the girl with one of those 'no mistaking that I want you' kisses.

[paladin_carvin]

*Sticks head back in* *makes wild grab for hat as it is blown off by the speed of the thread* Hey guys, I've come back for some advice on the problem I posted a couple days and several pages ago. So for those that missed it, this friend I've known for a long time and recently developed feelings for, told me she likes me. So you'd think it'd be all well and good. Well no. For some reason the situation is completely awkward right now. I don't know what it is but even though we've both admitted mutual feelings we're even more awkward than before. I've never had this problem before. Help plz? (Sorry if it seems a bit rambly, I'm not thinking clearly right now.)

I'm going to agree with bait, though maybe in not such a dramatic form. Ask her out! Take her some place. It's awkward because she (like many women) doesn't make the 'moves', she expects YOU to. Sooo, make the move! Go out some place. If there is a nice place to walk around, like 'main street' in a small town, do that and finish it up with a meal. NO MOVIES. You can do that later.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Just a little thing I've been thinking about for a while, and then I realized that relationship woes could extend to friends, too, I think.

Is there any cure for the feeling a friend doesn't trust you? I can't think of what I've done to him to break his trust, but he always seems wary around me, like I'm just waiting for a chance to strike or something. Makes me wonder what to do.
I have that a little bit with all of my friends.
But that may have to do that I'm a little bit paranoid...

Also, for those of you who remember, I've added her on Hyves(Like a dutch better Myspace), lets hope for as few awkward moments as possible.

[AKA_Bait]

NO MOVIES. You can do that later.

This is actually very good advice. For a first date, you want to do something that allows you to actually talk to the person you are with. Movies aren't good for that.

[three08]

on the other hand they're great if you realise very shortly into the date that you cannot stand the person you're with and are too polite to do a runner.

[sktarq]

Silentnight:

You need to ask her out on a DATE. You guys have been friends for year but only recently expressed interest in taking that farther...Congrats mate I think that is the healthiest start to a romantic relationship. So start the romantic part of that. Think about it you have both expressed interested in changing the nature of your relationship..that will involve doing different things together than you used to. Ask her to a romantic resturaunt...go on a picnic....cook in whatever but frame in as a date..dress nice and don't order garlic...Plan for a smooch. Grab her and kiss her is a good idea as Bait mentioned (or cuddle under the stars and lean in whatever is your style) and only don't if she activly brushes you off. It almost certainly will be akward the first time-and will only be worse if you let it stew. Talking about changing your relationship to a romantic one is up to you-for many it can be clarrifying and good, for others a buzz kill. You know the relationship you make the choice. Heck a favorite line "Hey friends first, boyfriend girlfriend second alright?" and then kiss her. You may want to try little things too. Like I said cuddle if you go somewhere you can (either a sofa or blanket for beach or whatever) sit closer to her on benches/booths etc. hold her hand or waist going somewhere. If you say "hi" with a hug anway hold a second or two longer than normal and bring your face close to her skin or hair...also a good time to simply not break the touch of one hand just let it be natural-find a hand or hip etc. Cranking up the "romance" part isn't somethng you have to do very long BTW but I'd recomend it. At first it is just to help you with a framework of somewhat expected behaviors until the two of you find your feet in your changed relationship...after that keep the parts you like.

Best of luck mate.

[AetherFox]

*Sighs* This is probably so generic I'm almost ashamed of asking it...:smallredface:

* Please read the whole thing before commenting *

I only use descriptions of people because I just don't fee normal saying their names on the internet, sorry.

There is a girl in my Western Humanities class that I would love to go to the upcoming dance with. I realise the easiest thing to do would be to suck it up and ask, but there are a couple of things that make this harder then normal:

Foremost, about two months ago, I was going out with someone, and the relationship didn't go very well. Keep in mind, this was my first 'girlfriend'. We had spent a lot of time with eachother in class, and eventually it was somehow determined that we were 'going out'. I found out a week later. Since this was my first girlfriend, I reasonably thought that was how it went most of the time. Although I didn't really want to be going out very much, I just rolled with it. Needless to saym it didn;t work out very well, and eventually I told her that I didn't think I was ready to have a girlfriend yet. This wasn't true (I know, I'm horrible. Sorry :smallfrown:) but now, two months later, I discover that she still likes me, and I'm pretty sure she was going to ask me out again if I wasn't so busy last weekend. (Her: Are you doing anyhing this weekend?
Me: Yeah, I got loaded with a ton of homework, and me and the guys are planning to hang out on Saturday.
Her (Depressed): Oh, ok then... See you later.)

I know I'm ranting. Please bear with me for a second or two longer.

Moral of the story is that I don't feel that I can ask the girl in Western Humanities to the dance while not feeling like I'm slapping the other girl in the face. (Not literally, you know what I mean.)

Also, this year, the girl from WH and I were talking a lot and getting to know eachother, but recently, we haven't said a word to one another for some reason.

Lastly, she is usually surrounded by any High Schooler's worst fear: the bubble-of-friends-you-don't-really-know, and I can't find a good or reason time to initiate another converation. :smallfrown:

Thanks for reading. Any help?

[SilentNight]

@sktarq: Just to clarify for all, I've know her a lot longer than a year. Practically my entire life, we just didn't really hang out on a regular basis, partly due to her being a year ahead of me. We haven't been on a real date yet but he hung out Sunday afternoon, cuddledd and watched some old Bruce Lee movies. :smalltongue: Our school has Friday off so I guess I'll ask her out then, maybe go to our "main street" as carvin called it.


NO MOVIES
Too late. :smallredface:
This may be the problem actually. In my expierience, the girl has always made the move on me so I guess this requires a change of mindset. maybe I'm just not used to it.

@Bait: I guess I already covered everything you said but thanks. I'm not sure if I can just go and kiss her, see above. Thanks for the interesting insight though. It makes sense.
Scratch that, you're a genius, that makes perfect sense. Let's just hope I have the guts to avoid it.
Thanks to all.

[paladin_carvin]

This is actually very good advice. For a first date, you want to do something that allows you to actually talk to the person you are with. Movies aren't good for that.

Bait, a man after my own heart... wait... er, anyway. Movies are dates that require no real interaction. It's a fallback when you are afraid to actually talk to a person. This is a friend though, not a 'hook up'; if you guys can't talk to each other yet, you need to force yourselves to (since it will almost certainly be fine when you get there face to face)

Bait, you must be a well adventured man; you are wise in the ways of woo.

edit: SN, if she is making the moves, that's quite alright. But make sure there is time for the two of you to see each other face to face. That's where things grow.

[TheBST]

Gentoo44: Level with the poor girl. If you can't give someone your time, at least be honest with them. Yeah, you're in school still and this is how bad rumours get started- but at least you'll have your dignity and shown you have the balls to be honest. There's no excuse for stringing someone along.

And hey, if you can do this, asking for a date won't hold any fear ever again.

(Tangent: Oh, you Americans and your Proms and Dances and Homecomings.
You know what an English High School Dance is? Hobo vodka mixed in a two litre bottle of stale cola. In the park. At 11:20PM. In the rain.)

[Midnight Son]

Gentoo44: Level with the poor girl. If you can't give someone your time, at least be honest with them. Yeah, you're in school still and this is how bad rumours get started- but at least you'll have your dignity and shown you have the balls to be honest. There's no excuse for stringing someone along.

And hey, if you can do this, asking for a date won't hold any fear ever again.

(Tangent: Oh, you Americans and your Proms and Dances and Homecomings.
You know what an English High School Dance is? Hobo vodka mixed in a two litre bottle of stale cola. In the park. At 11:20PM. In the rain.)

Not our fault you can't organize a party properly...

*has fond memories of a prom with good food, and non-stale drinks(alcoholic or otherwise), and a clean dry place in which to dance with the lovely lady*

[SilentNight]

Bait, a man after my own heart... wait... er, anyway. Movies are dates that require no real interaction. It's a fallback when you are afraid to actually talk to a person. This is a friend though, not a 'hook up'; if you guys can't talk to each other yet, you need to force yourselves to (since it will almost certainly be fine when you get there face to face)

Bait, you must be a well adventured man; you are wise in the ways of woo.

edit: SN, if she is making the moves, that's quite alright. But make sure there is time for the two of you to see each other face to face. That's where things grow.

We never had problems talking before, and it seems to be passing but that's a good point. Also, I meant girls in the past, not her. And for the record, watching a Bruce Lee movie provides plenty to talk about. :smalltongue:

[captain_decadence]

How long in a relationship should you wait before saying "I love you."

I've been officially dating someone for a little over a month (though we were really together before that, it was just not in a defined relationship). It's all boyfriend and what not, very official. Is saying "I love you" something that just seems right in a moment or should you wait a certain amount of time at least before uttering the words?

And, just to be clear, this isn't a month of seeing each other once a week. While we don't have sex, we sleep together around 3 nights a week and spend a decent amount of time together just talking, watching TV and being together.

[Jenkins]

I'm not sure how official this is, but I heard that it takes a couple of months for the whole 'I'm in love, yay' feeling to wear off. While, I do agree that you should wait a while to say it, I also think that if you feel that the sparkle has worn off and you still have that glow, if that makes any sense, and you think she feels the same way, go for it. Be careful though, those words mean a lot and if you use them to much they can lose potency.

[Midnight Son]

I have always gone with the theory that its when you can honestly say you care for them at least as much as you care for yourself. We humans are a selfish bunch, on the whole, and it takes a fair amount of selflessness to be in a stable relationship.

[AKA_Bait]

Bait, you must be a well adventured man; you are wise in the ways of woo.


Nah, I just got lucky by finding the best wife ever and I'm good at learning from other's mistakes. :smallbiggrin:


I have always gone with the theory that its when you can honestly say you care for them at least as much as you care for yourself. We humans are a selfish bunch, on the whole, and it takes a fair amount of selflessness to be in a stable relationship.

This sounds as close to any quasiobjective standard as I can imagine for this kind of thing. There really isn't any right or wrong time to say it that any other person can tell you. As chiche as it sounds, I really do believe it's basically a matter of you know it or you don't. Either you love them, in which case you might as well be honest and tell them, or you don't, and if not you shouldn't pretend you do (although that doesn't seem to be the gist of the situation here).

[Syka]

My ex and the last guy I dated said it around 3 months. I still don't believe the last guy.

My boyfriend said it after 3 weeks of dating (but we talked every night of that 3 weeks for hours at ago about pretty serious stuff).

So I'd say when you are comfortable. I didn't until a couple weeks later, even though I felt it at 3 weeks, because I just wanted to evaluate it and make sure. I'm weird like that.

Cheers,
Syka

[paladin_carvin]

We never had problems talking before, and it seems to be passing but that's a good point. Also, I meant girls in the past, not her. And for the record, watching a Bruce Lee movie provides plenty to talk about. :smalltongue:

Well, a movie in house on a couch isn't too bad. It actually provides possibility for both physicality, casual conversation (since you wouldn't be being rude to talk through it) and the immediate ability to deepen conversation (the pause button).

[paladin_carvin]

How long in a relationship should you wait before saying "I love you."

I've been officially dating someone for a little over a month (though we were really together before that, it was just not in a defined relationship). It's all boyfriend and what not, very official. Is saying "I love you" something that just seems right in a moment or should you wait a certain amount of time at least before uttering the words?

And, just to be clear, this isn't a month of seeing each other once a week. While we don't have sex, we sleep together around 3 nights a week and spend a decent amount of time together just talking, watching TV and being together.

My rule was when I said 'I love you' it meant that I wanted to be with said person for my whole life. I said it only to 5 women in my life. Three of whom I have no regrets, even though with two it didn't and couldn't work out. The third of which it did, Joy of my life. One I regret completely, and that was after a few months. One... I should regret but don't truly. It came from trick of Eros, and perhaps I like to remember the whole thing that way. I meant it for both of those, but it's a good thing those didn't work.

[Serpentine]

On saying "I love you": I've had a few, varying, experiences with this. Now, I'd say you should say it when and do everyone it's true for. On the other hand, part of what resolved me to break up with my high school ex was that he said it to me. More detail:

High school boyfriend: I was enfatuated with him for a while, but I was never in love with him. He could be pretty intense, and as an added pressure his parents had been together since they were in high school. I was already thinking of ending it, because the enfatuation had faded, but him telling me that he loved me finally resolved me to do it because I felt like I was just leading him on, lying to him.

Recent ex: We had a big, long conversation on the topic of love leading up to the actual statement of said words. He said it first, as a sort of "see, it's not so bad" sort of an argument. We both really meant it, and knew that. Another result of that conversation is that I make sure I tell my family that I love them.

High school boyfriend now: I'm still friends with him, and he's still in love with me. I love him as a friend, but rarely tell him that because he tells me so often and I can't say it in response because it means something different when I say it. No doubt overthinking it, but oh well.

Uni friend: Just friends+, but we love each other in a non-romantic way, and tell each other so all the time.

So... Right now, I think that you should tell anyone you love, that you love them. However, the possibility of a reaction like the one I had for my highschool boyfriend must be kept in mind.


Things are getting better at my end. Ex is moving out at the end of November and is hardly spending any time here, I finally flat-out stated that I don't want her to stay the night here, and she's been staying away, so some pressure and stress have been relieved. My friend's been living here for the last week or two, which helps a lot. He's going home tonight, but I feel like I might be able to handle it (though an email from GF makes that a little less certain...). I know at least one friend fancies me, and I've told him that I have no desire or intention of getting into a serious relationship anytime soon, possibly until I finish uni, so everything's out in the open between us in that regard. Finally, I'm again capable of developing crushes, at least online! :smallbiggrin: Worried about the possibility/probability that salvaging even one of those friendships is impossible, but oh well, ce la vie.

[Krrth]

Serp, I'm sure you already know this, but give it time. I've found that once hard feelings have had a chance to fade, friendships tend to fix themselves.

[The Bushranger]

How long in a relationship should you wait before saying "I love you."

I've been officially dating someone for a little over a month (though we were really together before that, it was just not in a defined relationship). It's all boyfriend and what not, very official. Is saying "I love you" something that just seems right in a moment or should you wait a certain amount of time at least before uttering the words?

Trust your instincts, and say it when it truly feels right. Just be sure not to wait too long to say it.

Some just assume we already know
Of the love that they feel
Some have a heartfelt emotion
But never the words
To reveal

I think we all relate
So why are we afraid
To let our hearts convey what we're feeling?
There is a world in need
With hungry souls to feed
And love can intercede
If were willing
So...

Say the words
Say the words
Say 'I love you'
Say the words I long to hear
Say the words
Say the words
Say 'I love you'
Say the words
I long to hear
(I long I long I long to hear them hear them...)

[Felixaar]

Zarr, *hugs*

SN, you've already got plenty of advice, but I'd like to put in a good word for movie dates. Let's face it, it's the first date, your nervous and excited, and it is good to be in an easy, comfortable situation where the conversation wont go stale - and afterwards you can talk about the movie! Also, if your anything like me, how a person goes to the movies is an important factor in the relationship.

Gentoo, I know how you feel. But sometimes guy's like us need to sit back and realise that it's hard enough to keep our own shoelace's tied, let alone be constantly checking someone elses. Your ex needs to move on, and who knows, seeing you with someone else might even help - it'll hurt, but it'll be good for her in the long run. As for the actual asking of the girl, click the talking to girls link in my sig.

Cap'n Dec When you love them.

Serpsly, glad to hear things are improving. Be strong :smallamused:

[Raistlin1040]

Hey all.

So...I have a relationship woe, and I need advice.

Basically, I'm very disinterested in girls around where I live. Most of them are shallow, boring, obnoxious, whatever. Because of this, I have never had any hope of getting a girlfriend during my High School days. However, this year, a new girl moved to our school, and she's really cool. We have a lot in common, we instantly clicked when we met, she's beautiful, and I'd really like to go out with her.

However, I prefer being friends with someone before trying to date them. My last (and so far, only) girlfriend was someone I met in Europe, we were together for like 10 days and then LDRing for a few months, and tried to form a relationship out of it, and it basically imploded. So, I'm content to just get to know her, be a friend, that sort of thing, because frankly, I need more friends too.

I've known her for roughly two weeks. To me, that seems like too short of an amount of time to ask her out. I know, I know, get her before someone else does, seize the day, ect. But I don't feel particularly comfortable going on a date unless I've known someone for a bit of time, at least a month. Because of this, I was going to keep quiet about my crush on her, and then see if she was interested in the future.

Unfortunatly, I am in 9th grade, and people in 9th grade think it's funny to be *******s. A couple of people I know, kinda my friends, kinda not, figured out that I like the new girl, and since they are both friends with her too, resolved to tell her, just to embaress me. That was on Friday. I didn't go home on the bus, as I had tennis, but from what I gathered today, one of my kinda friends decided not to make me pissed at him, and didn't say anything. The other one is on the girl's soccer team, and told me that she told her.

Now, I'm on the same bus as the girl, and I ride her stop (I sneak over there because my best friend is at that stop, and my stop is sort of made of fail) She didn't say anything to me about it, we just talked as normal, and I didn't bring it up.

Part of me thinks that neither of my semi-friends said a thing, and are just trying to rile me up. So, I'm really confused on what to do. I don't know whether to talk to her about it, or pretend nothing happened, because maybe nothing did, or something else.

[AKA_Bait]

Now, I'm on the same bus as the girl, and I ride her stop (I sneak over there because my best friend is at that stop, and my stop is sort of made of fail) She didn't say anything to me about it, we just talked as normal, and I didn't bring it up.

Part of me thinks that neither of my semi-friends said a thing, and are just trying to rile me up. So, I'm really confused on what to do. I don't know whether to talk to her about it, or pretend nothing happened, because maybe nothing did, or something else.


Your friends may not have told the girl but were possibly trying to get you to tell the girl. They may be your real friends in this attempt too. Sometimes friends do things that they think are ones best interest even when its against ones wishes.

Assuming your friends did tell the girl, I'd hurry up and ask her out. Not just because of the whole 'seize the moment' thing but because girls like guys with confidence. If she knows you are interested in her, and you do nothing about it for a long time, that can be a serious turn off. Especially with high-school age girls. Or, at least, pretty much all the girls I knew in high-school. I'll admit, it's been a while. Still, you might lose your shot at dating her ever by delaying if that's the case.

Also, a question about this 'knowing them at least a month before asking them out' thing. Why? You are either going to get along with them in a romantic relationship or you aren't. Waiting to ask them out won't change that. Being friends first isn't necessarily going to tell you if a romantic relationship can work either. It will, however, possibly put you in the platonic zone in her mind, which from what I can tell you don't want. This may not be true in your case, but at least in mine rules like that were basically excuses to put off doing it, to try to convince myself that it was a 'sure thing' before I even ask so that I had no chance of getting hurt then or later in the relationship. It's a silly reason in the long term. There are no 'sure things' at the beginning. There were lots of girls in high school I played that game with. Not one of them worked. Conversely, I asked my wife out the first night I met her.

[Raistlin1040]

:smalleek: But...but

*Sighs* That's good advice. It's a shame that I'm probably way too shy and afraid of rejection to actually take it.

[Cristo Meyers]

:smalleek: But...but

*Sighs* That's good advice. It's a shame that I'm probably way too shy and afraid of rejection to actually take it.

You've known her what, two weeks? And you've been pretty much friendly the entire time?

Seems to me the worst that could happen is she says no, things are kinda awkward for awhile, and you fall back into the groove you had going before.

[Pyrian]

Part of me thinks that neither of my semi-friends said a thing, and are just trying to rile me up. So, I'm really confused on what to do. I don't know whether to talk to her about it, or pretend nothing happened, because maybe nothing did, or something else.Keep your cool, lad. You don't know if they said anything, and at the end of the day it really doesn't matter if they did.

[Serpentine]

I'd suggest that you talk to her about it, tell her pretty much what you said here: That you'd like to ask her out, but that you'd also like to be friends with her for a while first. Sort of a... "heads up, I am likely to ask you out sometime in the next few weeks, but in the meantime lets carry on as normal" sort of thing.

[Rawhide]

I'd suggest that you talk to her about it, tell her pretty much what you said here: That you'd like to ask her out, but that you'd also like to be friends with her for a while first. Sort of a... "heads up, I am likely to ask you out sometime in the next few weeks, but in the meantime lets carry on as normal" sort of thing.

This is actually very good advice...

[Serpentine]

You sound so surprised :smalltongue:

[Thanatos 51-50]

You sound so surprised :smalltongue:

We're essentially a bunch of geeks offering other geeks relationship adivce.

If the sterotype were true, this would be a very bad idea.
As everything is...
*Peruses the last two pages, sees everyone is taken care of and he doesn't have any addiotnal wisdom to dispense, shrugs his shoulders and sets up a not-so-comfy chair*

[AKA_Bait]

:smalleek: But...but

*Sighs* That's good advice. It's a shame that I'm probably way too shy and afraid of rejection to actually take it.

To be honest, getting used to rejection is basically a matter of getting rejected a whole lot. It sucks to get used to, but it's one of those things you just gotta do at some point in your life. Not just because of relationships but for other aspects too.

Sounds like you have a really good shot with this girl. Take the chance. Cristo Meyers is essentially right that if things are going well in the friends vein you can probably go back to that after a little bit if she says no. My money would be on her saying yes, if you ask soon, from your description of things.

Serp: That's a really interesting idea. I'm not sure how I'd react to that in the girls shoes but from the guys I think that might potentially be worse than just asking her out now, in terms of angst. I mean, she could say 'don't bother in a few weeks' or wait a few weeks to say 'no' during which the awkward is out and the guy stews.

[paladin_carvin]

We're essentially a bunch of geeks offering other geeks relationship adivce.

If the sterotype were true, this would be a very bad idea.
As everything is...
*Peruses the last two pages, sees everyone is taken care of and he doesn't have any addiotnal wisdom to dispense, shrugs his shoulders and sets up a not-so-comfy chair*

You know, as our sub-culture grows our relationship knowledge grows and grows. Honestly, I think the reason why the whole 'virgin nerd' and this concept that no geeks can get girls thing existed was because no girls were in our subculture. But that is rapidly changing (though if anime geeks split from gaming geeks, we may have a problem :smallbiggrin: ). It's not that geeks and nerds can't get girls, we just haven't had girls we were compatible with. I think it also helps that we are absorbing the art and marching band geeks.

Raistlin

The most important lesson I can give you about high school is this: it doesn't matter. The only thing you might take from it is some friends. 99% of high school girlfriends disappear, your grades don't matter unless you can get honors (which barely matters), the stupid drama and bs doesn't matter. It all goes away.

Ever see the movie groundhog's day? Where Bill Murphy lives the same day over and over and none of his actions matter because after the day ends it all is erased? That is high school. Just don't get arrested, don't permanently injure yourself, don't die, and get your diploma... that's pretty much your important objectives.

What does that mean? Go for it, damn it. The reality is it doesn't mean crap if it fails, and you make for an enjoyable, meaningful time if you just go for the gusto.

[Thanatos 51-50]

You know, as our sub-culture grows our relationship knowledge grows and grows. Honestly, I think the reason why the whole 'virgin nerd' and this concept that no geeks can get girls thing existed was because no girls were in our subculture. But that is rapidly changing (though if anime geeks split from gaming geeks, we may have a problem :smallbiggrin: ). It's not that geeks and nerds can't get girls, we just haven't had girls we were compatible with. I think it also helps that we are absorbing the art and marching band geeks. I was making a joke, you know. It was meant to be funny.

[AKA_Bait]

You know, as our sub-culture grows our relationship knowledge grows and grows. Honestly, I think the reason why the whole 'virgin nerd' and this concept that no geeks can get girls thing existed was because no girls were in our subculture. But that is rapidly changing (though if anime geeks split from gaming geeks, we may have a problem :smallbiggrin: ). It's not that geeks and nerds can't get girls, we just haven't had girls we were compatible with. I think it also helps that we are absorbing the art and marching band geeks.


I think there's more to it than that. Most gamers I know (including myself) don't settle down with other gamers. At least, not to start. They may turn their sig others into gamers over time but that's another issue.

More, I think it is that the subculture grew over time not just in terms of gender mix but also in the age range of the demographic. 20 years ago or so, when the sterotype was created there really wasn't that much of an age range as I understand it. When I was first playing I didn't know anyone over the age of 20 or so that gamed and even those close to that age were few and far bettween.

Availability of older people in a subculture makes a big difference in terms of getting good advice. Older gamers, like older everything else, have had a chance through trial and error (mostly error) to get at least a sense of what works and what doesn't work with the opposite sex. They can then pass that information on to younger gamers. When the typical age range of a game doesn't extend past very early twenties then there really isn't that opportunity. Pretty much everyone is still in the 'going around making emotional errors' stage of their lives.


I was making a joke, you know. It was meant to be funny.

I know, but it seemed worth talking about anyway. :smallbiggrin:

[Dragonrider]

I think it also helps that we are absorbing the art and marching band geeks.


:smallbiggrin: speaking.

[paladin_carvin]

I think there's more to it than that. Most gamers I know (including myself) don't settle down with other gamers. At least, not to start. They may turn their sig others into gamers over time but that's another issue.

More, I think it is that the subculture grew over time not just in terms of gender mix but also in the age range of the demographic. 20 years ago or so, when the sterotype was created there really wasn't that much of an age range as I understand it. When I was first playing I didn't know anyone over the age of 20 or so that gamed and even those close to that age were few and far bettween.

Availability of older people in a subculture makes a big difference in terms of getting good advice. Older gamers, like older everything else, have had a chance through trial and error (mostly error) to get at least a sense of what works and what doesn't work with the opposite sex. They can then pass that information on to younger gamers. When the typical age range of a game doesn't extend past very early twenties then there really isn't that opportunity. Pretty much everyone is still in the 'going around making emotional errors' stage of their lives.


I agree that there is much help from the older of our kind. And I think perhaps the big thing (and I didn't say it right... but you can get that I was in the ballpark) is that there is a wider range that 'geeks' are comfortable with. We recognize kindred spirits, so to speak. Gamers used to be an island, mostly male, mostly teens... mostly white middle class... but that world is ever expanding.

[Raistlin1040]

Special Raistlin Update:

So...she has a boyfriend. I still don't know if she knows that I like her, but either way, we're still friends and all, so if she does know, it's not awkward, which is good. Unfortunatly, like I said, she has a boyfriend, who goes to a different school. Which really sucks, because, in a rare fit of courage, I had resolved to ask her out when I had the chance (Read: when not surrounded by a bunch of our friends).

[Gray Jester]

Special Raistlin Update:

So...she has a boyfriend. I still don't know if she knows that I like her, but either way, we're still friends and all, so if she does know, it's not awkward, which is good. Unfortunatly, like I said, she has a boyfriend, who goes to a different school. Which really sucks, because, in a rare fit of courage, I had resolved to ask her out when I had the chance (Read: when not surrounded by a bunch of our friends).

The main thing, then, is to just continue being friends. It's 9th grade, I've been in highschool for 3 years and seen only two relationships last that long, period, and one of those isn't exactly because the people are particularly happy in it, it's more that they aren't happy not in it.

The main concern would be being put in the 'lets just be friends' box, and the way to avoid that is to not go from no physical contact to lots, which makes people uncomfortable. Worst case? You've made another friend. (Well, there are -worse- cases, but those are all really hypothetical. I mean, actual worst case would be you ask her for a date, she agrees, she gets kidnapped, and you go through all sorts of trials and tribulations to try to get her back, only to have her die in your arms telling you that she always loved you. And you live the rest of your life in misery and sorrow. But what're the chances of that? :P)

In the meantime, keep your options open, maybe another cool girl will come along. I know the feeling of not feeling particularly into many of the girls around you, what I can say is that if you go to a relatively big high school, there -will- be girls who you'll find attractive and cool. (Not that I can provide great hope; I'm in an LDR right now mainly because I keep my standards high, and few girls here meet them. Those that do, aren't interested in me, which I'll make a crime once I take over the world. :smallcool:)

Edit: On the 'lets just be friends' box/bin/etc. First off, it's not existent with all girls. However, I am friends (I, personally, do have a 'friend bin', or 'people I would date but it could ruin a friendship that I value more then being in a relationship', but I'm a guy, so that doesn't count, and there's multiple reasons someone could be there) with more girls then guys (because the whole "I am man, I am emotionally invincible, I not have any weaknesses" gets under my skin, and a lot of guys are too much like that for me), and it's something I notice gets said often for multiple different reasons. Some of my friends simply are used to the guy being their friend, and don't want that to change, which a relationship can do ("I really like him, and honestly, if we weren't so close, I'd date him, but losing my best friend when we break up?"). Some of them say it when they really do like a guy, but he's coming on too fast. I'm hesitate to say that it's completely a non-existent thing guys use to shore up their own insecurities, but I'd also say that it's heavily abused to do just that. Then again, I can't read my friend's minds, perhaps there's more to it then what they tell me. However, this isn't the place for this discussion, and this is already an off topic digression.

[Serpentine]

The main concern would be being put in the 'lets just be friends' box,:sigh:
>points at siglinks<
>AGAIN<

[Raistlin1040]

Don't worry Serp, I'VE read that link a few times at least. :smallwink:

[Felixaar]

Serp, maybe you should consider changing the text of your siglinks to notify readers of what they actually contain, y'kno, the specific subjects - it seems to have helped me.

And Raist, that's a shame man, but I guess theres not much to be done for it. Just continue being her friend and see what happens, I suppose.

[paladin_carvin]

For the record: two of my ex's are now long term friends. I am also pretty good friends with some women that have rejected me.

[ocato]

My girlfriend, who I thought was dropping hints that she wanted a wedding ring, is now apparently smitten with her new guy friend. Apparently he's big and strong and has sexy muscles. He told her he knows a bunch of martial arts and could beat me up easily. She raved about how cool he was, how sexy-strong and how much better than me he is. Apparently they hang out and joke about how he's going to beat me up and take her. She'll fall into his arms and they'll kiss passionately while I bleed on the floor. This is their favorite joke.

The part that hurts the most is that she has absolutely no faith in me or my ability. She thinks any drunken baby on the street can beat me up. She thinks I'm dumb and slow and incapable of any kind of act of impressiveness. The entire situation is convincing me that maybe I've been trying to force happiness with her. She's cheated on me a few times before. We've broken up a few times before (over other guys mostly). The question is: when he shows up to 'beat me up,' do I let him have her before or after I kill him?

[Raistlin1040]

After, definatly.

Seriously mate, even given my nearly non-existant girl skills, that sounds like a TERRIBLE relationship. Now, I don't know how old you are, but if you're talking about wedding rings, I'd assume later half of college at least. Sometimes, the 'I'll kick you ass and take your chick' thing is a joke. I've seen some guy friends of mine joke about it to each other, and then start cracking up and man-hug. But this guy is not your friend. If your girlfriend is giggling at him saying he'll beat the crap out of you, that's awful.

Now, granted, some people just crush easily, and there's nothing wrong with that. But, you say she's cheated on you before, and all that. Honestly, if I were you, I'd just break up with her. The guy just seems like kind of a douche, and your girlfriend doesn't seem to care, even going so far as to tell you how cool and awesome and sexy he is.

Note that I am naive, and have very little relationship experiance.

[Cristo Meyers]

Little experience or not, I think you called it. That does sound like a terrible relationship. Is she aware how insulting you find this behavior? You say you've broken up multiple times already (over other guys, no less), I honestly say just drop her.

[Syka]

My girlfriend, who I thought was dropping hints that she wanted a wedding ring, is now apparently smitten with her new guy friend. Apparently he's big and strong and has sexy muscles. He told her he knows a bunch of martial arts and could beat me up easily. She raved about how cool he was, how sexy-strong and how much better than me he is. Apparently they hang out and joke about how he's going to beat me up and take her. She'll fall into his arms and they'll kiss passionately while I bleed on the floor. This is their favorite joke.

The part that hurts the most is that she has absolutely no faith in me or my ability. She thinks any drunken baby on the street can beat me up. She thinks I'm dumb and slow and incapable of any kind of act of impressiveness. The entire situation is convincing me that maybe I've been trying to force happiness with her. She's cheated on me a few times before. We've broken up a few times before (over other guys mostly). The question is: when he shows up to 'beat me up,' do I let him have her before or after I kill him?

...I think you need to get out of that relationship. She does not sound like she respects you if she's talking that way.

I dunno, it just doesn't sound healthy. Instead of passively waiting for her to have this guy come sweep her off her feet, why not dump her on her ass? Just a thought. :)

Cheers,
Syka

[reorith]

The question is: when he shows up to 'beat me up,' do I let him have her before or after I kill him?

let him have her, then kill them. no but seriously, you're putting waaay too much effort into this relationship. now is a great time to end if for good and you both come out on top. she winds up with some docksmurf and you're free. think how the freedom will improve your finances, social life blah blah blah.

[SDF]

I just find meat heads that think they are cool because they are strong to be hilarious. This is the 21st century son, and if someone with 100lbs on my challenged me to a fight I'd laugh, pull out my air taser, watch them twitch on the ground for a few seconds, laugh again, and walk away.

Now that has absolutely nothing to do with your situation, I just think its funny. I've never heard of any relationship where someone gets back with their ex working out. Especially so in this case. I've seen numerous friends go through similar situations, and the best advice I've been able to come up with is *expletive* her, you deserve better. Even if you loved her, or love her still it is best for you to take charge and end the situation.

[ocato]

Well, I'm cheering myself up by buying a few things I've wanted for a while. My Halloween present to myself is toys I don't need and a lot more disposable income. My dad won't be happy though, he liked her.

[reorith]

ocato, your dad probably liked her because he didn't have to put up with her bull.

[Syka]

Well, I'm cheering myself up by buying a few things I've wanted for a while. My Halloween present to myself is toys I don't need and a lot more disposable income. My dad won't be happy though, he liked her.

Except he's not dating her, you are (or, at least I'd HOPE he's not dating her...>>).

What makes you happy in this situation means more than what would make your parents happy.

Cheers,
Syka

[ocato]

I am not structuring the scenario based on his approval. I didn't mean to give that impression. I was just musing.

[Quincunx]

Wouldn't be the first time parents maintain warm feelings for a significant other after they're no longer significant. (I'm guessing that, after being parents through the teenage years, there's new appreciation of how fleeting declarations of 'never again!' can get.) In my family's household, this means that the local son-in-law is still getting invited around for family dinners several months after my sister came out second-best in a fight with her mother-in-law. I fear my mother still entertains the hope that one of the others will come to their senses.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Huh. That's odd. After my first...relationship...my mother hates any women I associate with immediately. Even the just friends ones. All of them.

[AKA_Bait]

Yeah, I agree with pretty much everyone else. I'm not sure from your later posts if you have yet, but drop her like a bad habit. Sounds like she and meathead deserve eachother and let them enjoy the misery they are probably going to give themselves in the long run.

As for your dad liking her, you have the right attitude that it's not his decision and he should not be a factor in it. That said, does your father know that she's cheated on you several times and is pulling this nonsense? I know if you were my son, and I got told that, I'd 180 on a girl I thought was ok faster than you can blink.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Huh. That's odd. After my first...relationship...my mother hates any women I associate with immediately. Even the just friends ones. All of them.
Some women can be terribly matriarchich.(spelling?).

[Zarrexaij]

Some mothers are terribly overbearing on their sons, just like some fathers are terribly overbearing on their daughters.

Meh, I can't help but feel disappointed and passed over by my ex. I fully expect to hear that he think he's found someone in a few weeks. :smallsigh:

I know I sound really bitter, but I can't help but feel a victim of a reverse Ladder theory (which I will never use seriously, since it's 1) a satire and 2) pop psychology).

[elliott20]

heh, the ladder theory. now there's a load of internet hogwash.

[Zarrexaij]

Yeah, I know. :smallamused:

That's why I said I'll never use it seriously.

It's pop psychology at its worst, and it started off as a ha-ha-ha-funny satire in the first place.

[Syka]

Yeah, I know. :smallamused:

That's why I said I'll never use it seriously.

It's pop psychology at its worst, and it started off as a ha-ha-ha-funny satire in the first place.

You know...this has me wondering if maybe Freud started his psychoanalysis out as a joke and when people took him seriously went "Hm...maybe I could make a load of money doing this." ;)

Cheers,
Syka