Relationship Woes & Advice, Part V

[Syka]

Well...After the confession thread, I saw way too many "what do I do in this situation" threads popping up, so here is one nice compendium. Come here to post questions about how to approach the opposite sex, the dread first date and, should you be in a relationship already and fairly certain they don't read Giant, a place to complain/seek advice about a current flame.

If you'd rather not make it public, I will compile a list in this thread of people who will accept PM's to give advice.

The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

Rules Of Relationships:
#1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

#2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

#3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

#4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

Private Advice Givers:
Eh, I'm pretty sure any regular has an open PM box for you.


RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

Cheers,
Syka


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[Castaras]

Copied from other thread...only just noticed this...


Hey. First time posting here.

My relationship with my girlfriend of just under a year is fine. The woe is this: I was over in America for 1 year to study, and soon (10 days) I must return home for at least a year to finish my degree.

We are hoping to maintain the relationship as long distance until I can get back. It is going to suck so much. I have been a guest in her house for about a month, so we are going from seeing each other basically all day to zero.

Is there any advice for having a long distance relationship, or any advice on things I should do before I go?

Long distance relationships can be tricky. It'll hurt a bit also, not being able to see her. You'll get used to it though.

Main advice I can give, is look forward to the future. Live in hope. Make sure that you can talk to her whenever you can. Get yourselves Microphones and/or webcams. They help immensely with long-distance. At least through them you'll be able to see and hear each other.

Can't really think of much else, other than Persevere. You'll be back with her soon. Just gotta keep it going for then.

[Tom_Violence]

I have an issue that I'd rather not share with the world, but I don't really know who the regulars are to PM about it. Its a fairly complicated long-term adult relationship issue, so if there's anyone here that thinks they're good with such things, send me a PM and I'll reply with the details.

Cheers in advance! :smallsmile:

[captain_decadence]

*grumbles*

Same issue I've been dealing with for the last three months. I don't actually want to talk about it, but I sometimes feel that writing something here makes me feel better. Even if that something is not very illustrative.

[Syka]

Tom, feel free to PM me. :smallsmile:

Cheers,
Syka

[Dallas-Dakota]

I am a occasional poster here and a regular reader. Feel free to PM me.

For myself, I still miss her. For those of you who remember me posting about the girl I love. How do I get over her?

Every time I think about her, my heart crumbles again. ...

[Turnips]

For myself, I still miss her. For those of you who remember me posting about the girl I love. How do I get over her?

Every time I think about her, my heart crumbles again. ...

I have the exact same feeling. I'm hoping someone will come along with a miracle cure to make everything instantly better.

So far, no such luck.

[Gem Flower]

As someone who has never had any such relationships, (Thank God, it's an age-related phenomenon) I am probably not the best person to give advice. But to Turnips and dallas-dakota; find other joy in your life. Spend time with your friends. Start a project. Just do something fun that will take your mind off them 'til time works its healing magic. Good luck!

[Serpentine]

Goff sent me a message - which I didn't see until after I got out of a movie an hour or so later - saying he tried to call but didn't answer (movie) and that he's coming home tomorrow. Wow, warning much? Wish me luck, it's gonna be weird and/or distressing :smalleek: :smallsigh:

[Ranna]

Oh wow serp I do wish you luck but I am sure you'll be fine, you're one of the strongest girls I have ever met (if you can call reading posts meeting people or whatever)

[Dallas-Dakota]

Gem Flower, usually age-related. Time has a weird thing of creeping things behind my back, making sneak attacks and doing weird. For example, the last few days, I´ve been having back pains for no apparent reason other then possibly that I went to a fair. It´l come.

I have no current friends.:smallfrown: That´s what you get for not being part of clubs and moving from school to school. Hopefully I´l stay at my new one.


I try to spend time with making a chain mail from steel wire.(It comes in bunches of 50 meters). Shape it into coils. Cut them. Then do them toghetter in a right pattern and click them toghetter. Sadly, after so much time I fear for my hands getting hurt, bad. Not good.:smallfrown:

Serpentine, Good luck. I don´t know your standing with Goff, especially since the major part of that(I think) was before I joined these boards.

[sktarq]

I have an issue that I'd rather not share with the world...

Yeah sure my PM box open.
And whatever it is don't worry I'm sure I've heard worse.

Serp......Goodluck. Is gorgous coming with him/there?

And for getting over a lost love.
Be social, try going with friends to a new place if you can. Expanding your circle of friends or reconnecting with old ones is really good as there are few "reminders" and new friends means new people to have all sorts of highly distracting things to do. Their hobbies, introducing them to yours, first DnD game maybe, sharing favorite resturaunts/hangouts (which means you can get over thinking about that person every time you go to a place that has food that you like anyway). And time. Time will heal a wounded heart if you let it. And who knows maybe in a more active social life you find someone new to fall for. Even if I do discourage most rebounds.

[Serpentine]

Serp......Goodluck. Is gorgous coming with him/there?I have little doubt that she's driving him back here. I do doubt that she'll come in, though. If she were coming in to say hi to me, then it'd be okay. I'm annoyed at him for not giving me more warning... I'd want more warning if it was Erin, our former housemate, much less him in this situation! :smallannoyed:
Thanks all.

[Klose_the_Sith]

Sigh ... I'm so lonely. Worst part is I have a hopeless tendency of liking girls who I'll never get because they have a BF or one of their friends would maul me over seperation and suppressed bi tendencies or they're just ... too good for me.

I'm yet to ask anybody out succesfully, I've been asked out before but that barely counts. Sniff.

Maybe I'll go build a box fort.

[Zeb The Troll]

Sigh ... I'm so lonely. Worst part is I have a hopeless tendency of liking girls who I'll never get because
<snipped>
they're just ... too good for me.That right there is a notion to get rid of. Cast it off forever. First, most women don't feel that they are any better than any other average person. So even if they don't want to date someone, its not because of some perceived superiority its because they don't feel a connection for one reason or another. Second, typically the type of person that thinks they're better than others isn't the type of person most people want to be dating anyway.

[Ranna]

Ah the old inadequency argument. Me and my boyfriend have fights over who doesn't deserve the other more then we both get REALLY annoyed at each other and it becomes a real fight.

I agree with Zeb, you need to get over that, otherwise they WILL think that they are too good for you and people who think like that deserve a bitch slap.

I guess with all these cases you have to be patient, my boyfriend waited 3-4 years before I realized what a catch he was. - (I was INCREDIBLY slow on the uptake.) You never know the same may happen to you.

If you're having problems asking girls out try to identify where you are going wrong, can you just not get the question out or do you put too much pressure on yourself and go all red and stuff?

I think study sessions/lab partnering/project working and eating lunch casually together can really help before you ask her out on a real date.

[Jibar]

I wish to challange most you relationships experts. Especially you female ones.
You constantly point out "There is no such thing as the 'Just a friend' excuse. They never mean it."
Then how come I've now heard it like 6-8 times!?
Granted, only about 5 or 6 of those were directed at me. But it's getting to be far too frequent to be fake.
(The latest one wasn't directed at me. I was just talking to a new friend and she mentioned she couldn't date this guy because she'd "known him for years and going out with friends is weird". Hey, fortunately for me she's only known me for a couple of weeks. :smallwink:)

[Dallas-Dakota]

I wish to challange most you relationships exists. Especially you female ones.
You constantly point out "There is no such thing as the 'Just a friend' excuse. They never mean it."
Then how come I've now heard it like 6-8 times!?
Granted, only about 5 or 6 of those were directed at me. But it's getting to be far too frequent to be fake.
(The latest one wasn't directed at me. I was just talking to a new friend and she mentioned she couldn't date this guy because she'd "known him for years and going out with friends is weird". Hey, fortunately for me she's only known me for a couple of weeks. :smallwink:)
That is very true.
If anything, if you were a friend before a relationship, the relationship usually is better. Orso I see most of the times.

[Klose_the_Sith]

Ah the old inadequency argument. Me and my boyfriend have fights over who doesn't deserve the other more then we both get REALLY annoyed at each other and it becomes a real fight.

I agree with Zeb, you need to get over that, otherwise they WILL think that they are too good for you and people who think like that deserve a bitch slap.

I guess with all these cases you have to be patient, my boyfriend waited 3-4 years before I realized what a catch he was. - (I was INCREDIBLY slow on the uptake.) You never know the same may happen to you.

If you're having problems asking girls out try to identify where you are going wrong, can you just not get the question out or do you put too much pressure on yourself and go all red and stuff?

I think study sessions/lab partnering/project working and eating lunch casually together can really help before you ask her out on a real date.

I guess ...


That right there is a notion to get rid of. Cast it off forever. First, most women don't feel that they are any better than any other average person. So even if they don't want to date someone, its not because of some perceived superiority its because they don't feel a connection for one reason or another. Second, typically the type of person that thinks they're better than others isn't the type of person most people want to be dating anyway.

You don't actually know me. You cannot therefore disprove that I am just not good enough.

I know that I am going to be told to ditch this attitude, but I just don't deserve a relationship at least until I work through all this **** I've been dealing with over the last few years. I'm far too much of a callous *** to get a girl, the few who I don't shrug off are the ones I know will never be interested.

...

Never let yourself be enslaved. Stay free.

[Ranna]

You must love thyself before trying to get someone else to love you?

[Castaras]

I wish to challange most you relationships experts. Especially you female ones.
You constantly point out "There is no such thing as the 'Just a friend' excuse. They never mean it."
Then how come I've now heard it like 6-8 times!?
Granted, only about 5 or 6 of those were directed at me. But it's getting to be far too frequent to be fake.
(The latest one wasn't directed at me. I was just talking to a new friend and she mentioned she couldn't date this guy because she'd "known him for years and going out with friends is weird". Hey, fortunately for me she's only known me for a couple of weeks. :smallwink:)

That's just a few girls. There are girls like that.

But there's us girls like me who have to get to know someone, and be friends with them, before they even think about asking them out.

I do know however, that many girls use it as an excuse to say no to someone if they like the guy, but really don't like him in that way. *shrugs* It doesn't have much weight to it, I've found with my friends, both geeky, weird or "cool".

[Serpentine]

I know that was mostly me, but I'm not in a great frame of mind to talk about it right now. Remind me again later.

[Charity]

I have an issue that I'd rather not share with the world, but I don't really know who the regulars are to PM about it. Its a fairly complicated long-term adult relationship issue, so if there's anyone here that thinks they're good with such things, send me a PM and I'll reply with the details.

Cheers in advance! :smallsmile:

I can only offer brutal honesty and objective assesment Tom, if thats what you desire then I'm your man, (I am in no way a regular here, if that makes any odds)

[The Bushranger]

I know that was mostly me, but I'm not in a great frame of mind to talk about it right now. Remind me again later.

:smallfrown:
*huggles the Serp*

[Squirrel_Token]

I guess ...



You don't actually know me. You cannot therefore disprove that I am just not good enough.

I know that I am going to be told to ditch this attitude, but I just don't deserve a relationship at least until I work through all this **** I've been dealing with over the last few years. I'm far too much of a callous *** to get a girl, the few who I don't shrug off are the ones I know will never be interested.

...

Never let yourself be enslaved. Stay free.

There is also no way for you to objectively prove that you ARE not good enough.

I can kind of understand where you're coming from. Like Ranna, sometimes there are days when I am shocked that my girlfriend sticks with me and don't know what it is that I bring to the relationship that keeps her in it; it's not like I'm unusually smart, or rich, or good-looking, or popular, or anything else that I might think would be something that I would need to "deserve" keeping a wonderful girl like her around. Eventually, I just decide to stop asking myself that question. It doesn't matter whether or not I feel I bring anything to the relationship, what matters is that my girlfriend ultimately decides that she does in fact need whatever it is I bring, even if it's just my companionship and my support.

Naturally, it's always easier to just avoid asking people out, as there is no chance of disappointment. But fear of disappointment is, in my opinion, never a good reason to avoid doing something. My advice would be that if you're interested in a girl, stop fretting over whether or not you think you "deserve" her and just go after her. Let her decide for herself whether or not she's interested rather than simply assuming that anyone worth having wouldn't be interested in you; you may find that you possess qualities that are attractive to girls even if you don't know you have them yet.

[UserClone]

For the record, two such qualities are courage and self-confidence, both of which become implied by your having definitively shown her your interest in the first place.

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Keehee, my love life is so unlucky. Then again, could be worse.

At one point or another, every girl I have ever liked has fallen for my best friend. And then I end up helping them hook up with him.
Edit: Ok, this only happened twice. The first time, she had just couldnt face him, the second time they actually did get together. For a week.

And yet I still manage to stay light-hearted.

Oooh, I have this friend, and we have this running gag that we're going out. And people actually believe us. It's really funny.

[Klose_the_Sith]

There is also no way for you to objectively prove that you ARE not good enough.

I can kind of understand where you're coming from. Like Ranna, sometimes there are days when I am shocked that my girlfriend sticks with me and don't know what it is that I bring to the relationship that keeps her in it; it's not like I'm unusually smart, or rich, or good-looking, or popular, or anything else that I might think would be something that I would need to "deserve" keeping a wonderful girl like her around. Eventually, I just decide to stop asking myself that question. It doesn't matter whether or not I feel I bring anything to the relationship, what matters is that my girlfriend ultimately decides that she does in fact need whatever it is I bring, even if it's just my companionship and my support.

Naturally, it's always easier to just avoid asking people out, as there is no chance of disappointment. But fear of disappointment is, in my opinion, never a good reason to avoid doing something. My advice would be that if you're interested in a girl, stop fretting over whether or not you think you "deserve" her and just go after her. Let her decide for herself whether or not she's interested rather than simply assuming that anyone worth having wouldn't be interested in you; you may find that you possess qualities that are attractive to girls even if you don't know you have them yet.

I'm just on a low point here, I probably am good enough for some of them. I recently had a mental breakdown of sorts, saw the girl I liked who liked me being taken because she wasn't sure I liked her and I've been very lonely for days.


You must love thyself before trying to get someone else to love you?

I never even liked myself, even before my parents broke up.

[Dallas-Dakota]

I never even liked myself, even before my parents broke up.
Join us....
Join us....
In the depression thread......

:smallfrown:

Still reminded about her since two nights ago. Heart is still being stabbed...Over...And over....And over again.....

[Serpentine]

For the record, two such qualities are courage and self-confidence, both of which become implied by your having definitively shown her your interest in the first place.I second this motion, and follow it through with an unless she's a completely up-herself cow or you go about it in an incredibly creepy, aggressive or otherwise idiotic way, you will be totally making her day to ask her out. She may not say yes, but hey, you're a nice guy, I'm sure you can still get a warm fuzzy feeling out of knowing you made her happy :smallwink:


I wish to challange most you relationships experts. Especially you female ones.
You constantly point out "There is no such thing as the 'Just a friend' excuse. They never mean it."
Then how come I've now heard it like 6-8 times!?
Granted, only about 5 or 6 of those were directed at me. But it's getting to be far too frequent to be fake.
(The latest one wasn't directed at me. I was just talking to a new friend and she mentioned she couldn't date this guy because she'd "known him for years and going out with friends is weird". Hey, fortunately for me she's only known me for a couple of weeks. :smallwink:)Alright, I'm feeling a bit better now. So. First, I realised after a while that I had gone into this without actually investigating it, so I'm doing a survey (still open to answers) thusly:

1. Would/have you ever not gone out with someone purely because you were friends with them?
2. Have you ever used the fact that you're friends with someone as an excuse to not go out with them?

So far, all bar one of the 1s have been negative (the 1 was a "grew up together since we were babies so they're more a brother than a friend), and there have I believe been one or two positives for 2.
So, first question: The ones directed at you, what exactly did they say? Miscommunication must be admitted as a possibility. Now, the last one you mention, the one not directed at you, if that is a quote is pretty hard to misconstrue. However, it could be that
1. She's an idiot. My mother has a plaque given to her and her husband as a wedding present that says "Happiness is being married to your best friend." Eliminating a friend as a potential mate purely due to the friendship is stupidity in the extreme. This goes for everyone else who has genuinely used this as a reason to not go out with someone. The only thing I can think of is that they look for completely different things in friends than they do in a mate, and I just can't comprehend how you could do that nor how it could ever work.
2. It's a "more like a sibling than a friend" thing, and that's what she means by "friends". I don't have much experience in this regard. I would suggest, or at least hope, that this sort of thing will generally only happen when the feeling's mutual.
3. She's miscommunicating her own feelings, or simply regurgitating "established fact" that has been repeated so often that she's believing it herself.
4. She's lying, exaggerating, distorting or misrepresenting her true feelings.

I think pretty much everything else I have to say on this matter can be found in my sig links, here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2887584&postcount=1264) and here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3128915&postcount=918). I'll also bump this (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3128915&postcount=918) one cuz I think it's useful and would like to know whether anyone has anything else to add to it.

[Pyrian]

Yeah, the "just a friend" excuse is at least 99% a convenient excuse. That doesn't mean it's not a remarkably common one! :smallcool:

I mean, who wants to tell a cherished friend that you won't date them because they're ugly? :smallredface:

[Klose_the_Sith]

Join us....
Join us....
In the depression thread......

:smallfrown:

Still reminded about her since two nights ago. Heart is still being stabbed...Over...And over....And over again.....

I don't like depression, it's very uncomfortable and causes me to build box forts to hide in. Last happened Sunday.

[Syka]

To answer Serps questions:

1. No. It would be because I have gotten close enough to learn things that would be a major issue were we to be in a relationship. I can think of only one situation where it may be just because we're friends, and I've literally known the guy since we were 1 and grew up with him so he IS like a brother to me. I even had a friend who I had a crush on when we first met (in, like, 9th grade, and who is ironically the guy who introduced me to my boyfriend), but as I got to know him and we got older there were some things, like his drinking and other value differences, that would have not been good in a relationship but are fine for friendships.

2. No. I will flat out tell someone why it won't work or that I'm not attracted to them like that. It's never worked against me yet.

Cheers,
Syka

[Space-Is-Curved]

Not much of a woe, but I still just gotta say it. My girlfriend and I are both happy, but she's on vacation pretty much the whole summer. It wouldn't be too bad except for the fact that we really have no way to communicate for various reasons that I don't really want to bother explaining right now. Anyway, what are you supposed to do when you miss someone so much that you can't go a day with at least half an hour of sadness just sitting there staring into space wishing you were with her.

Wow, that sounded much more... obsessive than it is. I just really miss my girlfriend.

[Syka]

Do your damndest to keep busy, that's what I always do. When I feel the long distance prompted depression setting in, I make a point to get with friends or do something online or anything to take my mind off of missing them. It never fully works, but it helps take the edge off of it.

Cheers~

[Turnips]

Woe is me, mine love is like an autumn flower, strangled by the crescent wind... when will I find true love... again?!

Woo, roleplay XP.

Anyway, I'm "just friends" with a girl I've known since before I can remember, and we've always been like brother and sister. Going out with her would just be... wierd.

[YPU]

Not much of a woe, but I still just gotta say it. My girlfriend and I are both happy, but she's on vacation pretty much the whole summer. It wouldn't be too bad except for the fact that we really have no way to communicate for various reasons that I don't really want to bother explaining right now. Anyway, what are you supposed to do when you miss someone so much that you can't go a day with at least half an hour of sadness just sitting there staring into space wishing you were with her.

And if you cant find a way to keep yourself busy like syka said. There is always this:
Write letters to your loved one, I find that when writing a letter, not a email but a real letter I say a lot of things otherwise unsaid. Things that could be considers quite important. Even if you aren’t capable of sending those letters to each other right away reading them later can be a real pleasure. It doesn’t really fix the problem but helps the time after it make up for the miss double I suppose.
Also, neah, quite a few of us know how you feel I think. I do for one.

[Zarrexaij]

Okay, I need advice, but it needs to be through PM considering it's partially "naughty" in nature. Another part is that I don't feel like explaining things out in the open.

Yep, it's that time of the week again for something in my relationship to go horribly wrong. :smallsigh:

Maybe I should give up. We go through periods where everything seems to work flawlessly.... THEN HE BREAKS IN WITH BIG NEWS. ****in' hell man.

[Vampiric]

PM box is available, Zarr. :smallsmile:

[Dallas-Dakota]

I have been informed I´m being crushed upon IRL, the fact that she asks me questions + the fact that I do not like her that way does not bode well.

Hopefully it´l soon pass....

*is scared*

I simply can´t understand somebody crushing upon me....
Except that I´ve been called cute, I don´t think there are any positive things about me....

[SilentNight]

Meh, I used to think I was unnactractive and still do to a certain extent but have been forced to reasses my opinion in light of mostly recent events. I don't know, if you don't like her that way, talk to one of her friends and try to get her to explain the situation. I would wait for a second opinion before you take my advice though.

[Syka]

Zarr, I'm always available. You know that. *hugs*

Cheers~

[UserClone]

MY PM box is also, in fact, open. ^^ See, now you get lots of perspectives!!

[Jae]

Wow.
So, while I'm in no relationship or even close to a possible-relationship situation, this seemed like the best thread to rant a bit of my relationship-type reflections and how many times I've honestly been... horrid :smallfrown:

In general, Im your average bitchy chick who will probably blow you off for judgemental reasons. I assume things and decide based on them. If I dont feel like Im being listened to enough, I'll decide they're too superficial and care not for whats in my head but what I do with the hair upon it. If Im asked for my number too soon I assume this guy is just too quick and a player-type. If he uses the wrong word, maybe he said "Hot" instead, he doesn't get the botd. You wouldnt realize how many ways I can decide somebodys messed up in two minutes or less. Ive yet to figure out why I do this, maybe because I like to shut people out (I do, I wont lie) and maybe because Im a little too sure that a new guy will come up soon enough. That's pretty cocky, I know, but it's the way my mind works and as long as guys will be around I never really have to decide on one. IF a guy gets past this tough initial judgement, it doesnt get too much easier. in fact, im a very testing person. I recently told a guy I wasnt convinced he wanted my numbed bad enough and if he didnt convince me, he wouldnt get it. He didnt get it, by the way. Anyways.

This is all fine when 90% of the guys are completely superficial jerks with one thing on their mind which is how I mostly justify being, uhm, horrible. But this is not always the case and, in retrospect, Ive torn apart some of the most sincere guys. Guys I knew were sincere, too, and the worst part is I never even meant to do it.

I was looking back on old blogs and such, and this kid was mentioned I almost didnt remember. A kid who, keep in mind, I liked very much. And of guys I liked he was THE sweetest, most sincere kid. The kind who would honestly never hurt anybody in their entire lives. Very quiet, shy, would never go for anything he actually wanted. (As loud and demanding as I am, I tend to gravitate toward quiet, shy people. probably not a good thing.) Towards the end of the year he actually took the initiative, though, to tell me how he felt. which was great because the feeling was totally mutual and he was sweet so it wouldve been nice. But Im such a cold heart that, when he messed up once, I used it as an excuse to get rid of him entirely. He didnt even really mess up, to be completely honest, I was just being completely unreasonable but of course he apologized a million times and I just wouldnt have it. So I basically never talked to him again, and havent remembered him until now. The sweetest most docile boy I may have actually ever know. :smallfrown: and i know that I didnt stop talking to him because of that one mistake, but because when everything is good and mutual I seem to lose interest. :smallfrown::smallfrown::smallfrown:

And remembering this has totally shaken my mood. I am so mean, i can honestly not stand it. And I dont remember when/where/why I began to be so completely cruel, but its something I need to change and I definitely need to work on giving people chances. I dont want to think of how much I may have lost in both arrogance and ignorance.

[Shadow]

but its something I need to change and I definitely need to work on giving people chancesAnd there you have it.
You're already on your way to making it happen. Knowing our faults is the first step in eliminating, or at least reducing them.

It's not an easy road, changing the way one reacts, and it will take constant vigilance, but it is completely worth it. Don't be too hard on yourself when you fail to change initially (because you will!). Just reflect and realize that you should have done/said something different. Make an effort to react that way next time. Instill it in your mind.

Bettering one's self is not an easy thing, but it is something we should all strive for each and every day. :smallwink:

[Felixaar]

ATTN: Everyone with RWA banners

As current, your banners only link to the old RWA thread, unless you've already made this change. Go to your sig edit, and look at your banner code. See where it has the numbers 73231? Remove these from the code, and in the exact same spot, put the numbers 85319.

Look forward to the return of me giving advice in a few days... hopefully.

Cheers,
Felixaar

[Shadow]

Ironic, since yours still links the old thread.... :smallwink:

[skywalker]

I know I'm late, but I really would like to weigh in on the "just a friend" thing.

I have never used the "just a friend" excuse on someone precisely. I'm in the process of telling someone that "we're friends and I don't want to screw that up," which isn't precisely true(she's just not my type) but we're friends, and I really don't want to screw that up. See what I mean?

I can remember being told I was "just a friend" a couple of times. Several times, throughout high school, it was by friends of my crushes trying to dissuade me from pursuing them(they were using it as an excuse).

The most vivid memory I have of that sort of thing, however, is earlier this summer, I was hanging out with a friend of mine who was a lot of fun to be around, and I mentioned something about us dating. She said "You're my friend, that could never happen." Two weeks later, we were making out and wondering how we could make a long distance(1.5hr drive) relationship work. So I have mixed experience with the "just a friend" nonsense.

P.S. Felix, I'm excited for your return... and wow, I can't believe it. Seems like just yesterday you were leaving...

[Gorbash]

Lol, just a friend, what a lame excuse. I really wouldn't have any moral qualms dating my best female friend, but she has had the same boyfriend all the time I've known her, so I didn't get the chance. Otherwise I would have. Friendship never got in the way of my relationships. :smallbiggrin: Maybe it's because I don't really appreciate male-female friendships as much as I appreciate male-male, so that must be why... And just to throw in 2 quotes that enhance my point of view:

Scrubs:
Chris Turk: Babe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off!

When Harry Met Sally:
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

[Dallas-Dakota]

I was hanging out with a friend of mine who was a lot of fun to be around, and I mentioned something about us dating. She said "You're my friend, that could never happen." Two weeks later, we were making out and wondering how we could make a long distance(1.5hr drive) relationship work.
Dang, how do you guys do that?

[Vampiric]

P.S. Felix, I'm excited for your return... and wow, I can't believe it. Seems like just yesterday you were leaving...

so true.

And Gorbash - Awesomeness. When Harry met Sally is brilliant, and Scrubs is just the best thing ever invented. =)

[Gorbash]

And Gorbash - Awesomeness. When Harry met Sally is brilliant, and Scrubs is just the best thing ever invented. =)

QFT. But the thing is, I really agree with (most of) the stuff I quoted. Particulary:


men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Although, if one of them is in a relationship, friendship could work for a while, or one of them is unattractive, I guess it could work. But, basically it comes down to this:


they all WANT to have sex with you.

:smallbiggrin:

[Jae]

And there you have it.
You're already on your way to making it happen. Knowing our faults is the first step in eliminating, or at least reducing them.
Idk acknowledging my faults have not always equated with changing them, in the past. It depends how determined I am, and that depends on if I think about it later. So we'll see, I suppose.


"we're friends and I don't want to screw that up," which isn't precisely true(she's just not my type) but we're friends, and I really don't want to screw that up. See what I mean?
I hate that excuse. I hate all excuses, really, but that one is particularly bs.


She said "You're my friend, that could never happen." Two weeks later, we were making out and wondering how we could make a long distance(1.5hr drive) relationship work. So I have mixed experience with the "just a friend" nonsense.
I think some friends have this chemistry that doesnt really go away. But Ive been in a point where my feelings and my logic for a friend conflicted and Ive had to sincerely choose between friendship or a screwed up relationship, on more than one occasion.


Chris Turk: Babe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off!
hahaha "it'd be hard at first, but i love my mother." "mmmmm and i would love her too."
and i really am way too obsessed with Scrubs if I can remember every part off the top of my head...



Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
lol as a female now im wondering if this is really true :smallconfused:

[Gorbash]

lol as a female now im wondering if this is really true

Yes, it is.

[Dallas-Dakota]

so true.

And Gorbash - Awesomeness. When Harry met Sally is brilliant, and Scrubs is just the best thing ever invented. =)
Were you watching Scrubs two nights ago? It was way about When Harry met Sally.

Now that, was awesome.

[Vampiric]

Unfortunately, no. But I shall try my utmost to watch it from now on. I'm trying to get hold of the dvds...

[Jae]

Were you watching Scrubs two nights ago? It was way about When Harry met Sally.

Now that, was awesome.
I was not watching a few nights ago but, the one where
Turk gives Karla the speech from When Harry Met Sally because Karlas bro tricked him into it?? love that one.

addiction would probably be an understatement to my feelings for this show..

[sktarq]

lol as a female now im wondering if this is really true :smallconfused:

Nope. Flat out no. I have seravl relationships that attest to that. Plus whoever said the sexual instinct has to get in the way of the friendship has problems.

[Thufir]

I agree wholeheartedly with sktarq. Thinking through all my female friends old enough for it to be legal, in no case would I consider sex with any of them to be a bad thing, but that's not the same as specifically wanting it, certainly not the same as wanting it enough to try and act on that, and it doesn't interfere with friendship.

[rubakhin]

lol as a female now im wondering if this is really true :smallconfused:

Eh, I know it's not true with gay guys. I doubt it's true with straight men either.

That's the nice thing about being gay. There really are no rules. There's no model to follow, no guidelines, no ironclad expectations about the way you have to behave sexually and romantically. Male/female relationships and interaction, they are seen so many times in the general consciousness that the rules of engagement are pretty much set in stone, but the LGBT community is freer.

[FdL]

[deleted by poster]

[Tragic_Comedian]

Ok, there's this girl, very pretty, smart, all that. She and my best friend have been dating on and off for a while, so I've never really had the chance to ask her out, but the other night I did and she turned me down. Because apparently I'm an awesome friend and I've really helped her to stay cheerful, etc. But, and I quote (more or less) "[I am] an awesome friend and [she] never wants that to change."

[Dragonrider]

We've discussed this a number of times in this thread. It comes down to the "friend" excuse, and I can't guarantee another girl's reasons for giving it, but the way I see it, either

a) She is afraid that a romantic relationship will ruin your current friendship, or
b) She is not romantically interested in you but does not want to hurt your feelings by outright saying so, or
c) She is afraid that it will ruin her relationship with your best friend/your relationship with your best friend, or
d) Something I haven't thought of.

Other than that...*hugs* I'm sorry for the disappointment :smallfrown:

[Tragic_Comedian]

We've discussed this a number of times in this thread. It comes down to the "friend" excuse, and I can't guarantee another girl's reasons for giving it, but the way I see it, either

a) She is afraid that a romantic relationship will ruin your current friendship, or
b) She is not romantically interested in you but does not want to hurt your feelings by outright saying so, or
c) She is afraid that it will ruin her relationship with your best friend/your relationship with your best friend, or
d) Something I haven't thought of.

Other than that...*hugs* I'm sorry for the disappointment :smallfrown:

Not nearly as sorry as I am, I assure you. :smallwink: But, you know, it always seems the same. All the girls me friend gets are the ones I want.

[Dragonrider]

That is not unfamiliar territory for me. :smallsigh: I have pretty much been in your shoes...and it sucks. So again, I'm sorry. :smallfrown:


FdL, I'm not really sure what advice to give you...do what feels right, I guess? Hopefully some of our other regular Advisors in the PlaygroundTM will have more constructive (and experienced) advice for you. :smallsmile:

Regarding males seeing their female friends in a purely sexual manner: Forgive me, but I think that's a fairly juvenile perspective to take on it. As (normal) people are not sexually attracted to, say, their siblings, I see no reason why you cannot have a sibling relationship with a person of the opposite gender. I know I do.

[FdL]

Thanks, Rider.

Oh, and this talk going on is about the return of the Friend Bin (tm)?

[Tragic_Comedian]

I'm back.

See there's another girl I like, we flirt all the time but it's all in fun, y'know? But my friend, he's sworn to me by the beard of God Almighty that she told him that she wants to go out with me, she just wants me to ask her out. Now, this friend has been known to do things like this as a joke before, and naturally I have some doubts, but he's said it on more than one occasion and he seemed serious. I just don't know whether to ask her out or not, because I don't wanna be made a fool of.

[FdL]

That's a pretty stupid to do as a joke :s Is this a good enough friend? Just wondering.

[Pyrian]

I have plenty of female friends, some of whom I'm sexually attracted to and some of whom I am not (and several who've swapped categories, sometimes repeatedly). Honestly, I'm not sure it actually makes that much of a difference. :smallamused: As others have said, the inability to be friends with someone you're attracted to is merely immaturity.


I just don't know whether to ask her out or not, because I don't wanna be made a fool of.Okay, here's the test by which you should decide whether to ask her out or not: Do you want to go out with her? Whether she returns the sentiment is her decision, for her to (potentially) inform you of, and not yours to somehow divine. I wouldn't worry about what your friend is saying, one way or the other.

EDIT: FDL: Compliment the heck out of her. Literally, tell her every single thing you like about her. Then give her space - and time to think about it. :smallcool:

[Jae]

fdl, as for the whole break up girl, I'd stay away for a bit. You mentioned the "she needs time" thing and sometimes thats NOT true, and I know that it's usually not true for me, but whenever I feel like I dont need time after a break up it's always just some rebound to convince others I really dont care. Another protection thing with me, I suppose, but the person never matters to me. Not because who they are and I think, ultimately, said person could have mattered in a different situation but my intentions are just a little off at the time. I think if you want something meaningful with her, you really will have to give her time. This way, if you're going to be something important to her, she'll be in a position where she's able to let you be.
And I generally dont vote not going for it.


To be totally honest with you, you sound like you're making up excuses to drive people off, to distance yourself from people. You're a pretty girl but I feel that you don't know what to do with that fact, so you just bounce people off for whatever reasons you can think of at the moment. And you tell yourself that because you don't know how to handle it. You have to work on your insecurities and lower your shields, allow yourself to see that other people can be good, different from you but at the same time very much like you.
I'd definitely have to agree with all this. Relationship-talk aside, I distance myself from people in general. Most people need others, independence is strength, so I guess you could say it's my way of using a strong attribute to cover up the biggest of weaknesses. It's not that I don't think people are good, it's that..well, Im not sure what it is. I've just never had the desire to get to know people/give them a chance. It's a selfish mindset, but I only get to know somebody if I feel an immediate interest or they could help me out in one way or another.

edit: I think I might want to add that it isn't an attractive thing. Honestly, I was not always pretty. In fact, I used to be really ugly and reminded of that constantly. I was still this harsh. Which is actually understandeable, because when you aren't attractive you have a lot to be suspicious of. mayhaps I just havent let go of this initial suspicion that should be gone with the assumption that I really am as attractive as people like to tell me all the time.

[Vampiric]

"she needs to be alone"

That's never true.

All that will happen if she does get left alone is that she will feel, oddly enough, alone.

It might be that she'll be looking for a friend over a boyfriend, but that is something else.

And I agree with Jae - if you want it to count, then wait.

Oh, and Tragic_Comedian, the only way to know is to ask. Bite the bullet. Believe me, you only feel foolish before asking. After, you realise it's not anything to be worried about... until the next time you try to ask someone out :smalltongue:

[Gorbash]

I have plenty of female friends, some of whom I'm sexually attracted to and some of whom I am not (and several who've swapped categories, sometimes repeatedly). Honestly, I'm not sure it actually makes that much of a difference. :smallamused: As others have said, the inability to be friends with someone you're attracted to is merely immaturity.

The question is, would you date some of those friends to hom you are attracted? Or just make out with them, or any similar stuff...

[UserClone]

OK, Fuddles, looks like I get to be the one with the unpopular opinion: DON'T wait. DON'T just leave her alone. Be there for her, in a friendly capacity, show her that you are dependable and sweet, compliment her when she's down on herself, be her crying shoulder. You don't have to be up in her face to do it, either. Just call her. Let her know that you will make yourself available if she needs someone to talk to, and here's the important bit: Mean it. If she wants to yak for 3 hours about how he always would put the sponge in the sink instead of up on the side in its little holder and how much that pissed her off, let her. When she asks questions, give honest opinions. Above all, be you. If any of this advice doesn't gel with who YOU are, don't follow it. But it's what I'd do.:smallwink:

[Rawhide]

OK, Fuddles, looks like I get to be the one with the unpopular opinion: DON'T wait. DON'T just leave her alone. Be there for her, in a friendly capacity, show her that you are dependable and sweet, compliment her when she's down on herself, be her crying shoulder. You don't have to be up in her face to do it, either. Just call her. Let her know that you will make yourself available if she needs someone to talk to, and here's the important bit: Mean it. If she wants to yak for 3 hours about how he always would put the sponge in the sink instead of up on the side in its little holder and how much that pissed her off, let her. When she asks questions, give honest opinions. Above all, be you. If any of this advice doesn't gel with who YOU are, don't follow it. But it's what I'd do.:smallwink:

Actually, I think that's pretty much the advice everyone else was giving. Be there as a friend and a shoulder to cry on, but not in a relationship capacity, not that soon after her breakup. Show her that you care and let something develop which will be meaningful and not a rebound.

[UserClone]

Well, I think that it's ok to let her know he likes her, subtly, but just not push it. Not so much "give her space" as "make yourself available."

[RabbitHoleLost]

I'd definitely have to agree with all this. Relationship-talk aside, I distance myself from people in general. Most people need others, independence is strength, so I guess you could say it's my way of using a strong attribute to cover up the biggest of weaknesses. It's not that I don't think people are good, it's that..well, Im not sure what it is. I've just never had the desire to get to know people/give them a chance. It's a selfish mindset, but I only get to know somebody if I feel an immediate interest or they could help me out in one way or another.

edit: I think I might want to add that it isn't an attractive thing. Honestly, I was not always pretty. In fact, I used to be really ugly and reminded of that constantly. I was still this harsh. Which is actually understandeable, because when you aren't attractive you have a lot to be suspicious of. mayhaps I just havent let go of this initial suspicion that should be gone with the assumption that I really am as attractive as people like to tell me all the time.

Wooo, Jae. You actually got me to post here.
As a fellow formerly-unattractive person (though I find this hard to believe with you), I find it interesting that we've both moved to opposite ends of the spectrum. I myself adore people for the most part, but, yes, I judge rather quickly and stick to those first impression judgments on whether or not the person is/was worth my time.
I've been shown wrong on quite a few instances.
Anyways, Jae, do you have any intention of moving past this? Have you tried at all to reach out to people, or, even, just accept them for a short period of time before deciding if they interest you or do anything for you? (Because,in all reality, I think this describes anyones reason for keeping someone around, even if the reason is simply that they get you to smile or feel good.)
If you do have interest in moving past this fault, make yourself a promise to say hello to a new person everyday. IRL, or here.
You don't have to continue talking to them if you don't want to, but just spend a few minutes talking to someone you really hadn't before. About anything; you don't have to spill any secrets or your life story.
Within time, you might realize there are more interesting people out there than you think :smallwink:

[Serpentine]

I had a minor argument on here with someone on whether men and women can be friends without being sexually attracted to each other (specifically, I was at least originally arguing with the stance that ""just friends" is bullcrap" or similar), and I've since altered my stance slightly. I still believe that it is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex without that sort of attraction, but more importantly, it is entirely possible to be nothing more than friends with someone despite sexual attraction. No reason why not.

[Pyrian]

The question is, would you date some of those friends to hom you are attracted?Oh, heck yeah. :smallbiggrin: I doubt it will ever happen, though. And it certainly does not make them somehow not my friends. :smallcool:

[FdL]

[deleted by poster]

[Dallas-Dakota]

Tell her. But say that you can wait with a relationship untill she's ready for it if she wants one with you. Untill that point, all I can suggest is try to be supportive as a very good friend.

Edit, unless I'm seconded, don't follow my advice. I'm not sure of my credibility rate on this area. /self destructive.

[FdL]

[deleted by poster]

[Pyrian]

I've done the thing of overthinking and waiting and not acting most of my life...

Now, my problem, and my frustration, which might not have a solution, is how to express this to her, how to get close enough to her so I can make her understand.ROTFLMAO. :smallcool: Alright, here's a tip for your problem and your frustration: stop overthinking, stop waiting, and start acting. :smallannoyed: You know that. You've made your decision. Act on it. And then report back! I expect news by Monday night at the latest. :smallbiggrin:

[FdL]

ROTFLMAO. :smallcool: Alright, here's a tip for your problem and your frustration: stop overthinking, stop waiting, and start acting. :smallannoyed: You know that. You've made your decision. Act on it. And then report back! I expect news by Monday night at the latest. :smallbiggrin:

I don't feel you're taking me seriously with this sort of replies, you know ¬¬

[Pyrian]

In successive paragraphs you stated that you're done with overthinking, and that you're stuck trying to (over)think your current situation. I'm sorry, but the irony was just too blatant.

From my angle, it just looks like a thin guise/excuse for procrastination.

You're not dumb. You can figure out a way to express yourself. It won't be perfect - it almost never really is - and if you wait for the perfect idea, well, that's really nothing but a way to procrastinate. You should probably try to be at peace with the very real possibility of failure.

The mind does this automatically and unbidden, y'know. You don't want to procrastinate, but yet, on some level you do want to, and so fears and excuses just float to the surface and get in the way. Very few people are honest enough with themselves to perceive rationalization happening in their own heads in real time.

[Felixaar]

okay, FDL, advice from my yeeeears of wooing young women.

...

and now, the advice from just my general imagination.

In the situation your in, if you really cant stand to keep it in any longer, I recommend getting her to kinda open up a bit so you can talk about the break up. You need to get her on her own, asking her to some sort of one on one hanging out session is best, probably better off in somewhere that is not a public place. If this is possible the best conditions for romance are outdoors on a stary night. Anyway, get her talking about it, and dont interrupt her, and eventually just say something like "well... I hate to put this on your plate when everything else is so difficult, but..." and then, well, what have you. You could say "I really, really like you" or "I want you" or you could just kiss her, the options are endless. But make sure that if she shows disagreement to the idea to back off, dont get... bad. And, best of luck. Dont do anything I wouldnt do. Be careful.

[Pyrian]

okay, FDL, advice from my yeeeears of wooing young women.

...

and now, the advice from just my general imagination.

...Dont do anything I wouldnt do.I think his whole goal is to do something you apparently wouldn't do. :smallamused: (Arguably something he wouldn't do, either...)

...I'm sorry. I just couldn't resist that one... :smallcool:

[FdL]

Yeah, okay. You know what? Thanks to those who actually tried posting advice. But this isn't working. I regret having posted this here.

Pyrian, I really don't care for your attitude. Hope you realize that you're driving people like me away. But then again maybe that's what you want.

Bye.

[Serpentine]

Sorry Fuddle, but I don't see what you're getting annoyed at Pyrian for. He's being silly with that, and the rest of the time he's giving you valid advice. It's up to you whether you take it, but you asked for it and he gave it. If it's not what you want to hear, well, just don't take it. But just because he offers the advice in a lighthearted manner doesn't mean the advice he gives isn't valuable. This:

stop overthinking, stop waiting, and start actingis good advice. Frankly, I think you're being a bit wet, there.

Today, I had a passing moment of jealous rage. I came to the realisation that I am seriously pissed off at the both of them, and I don't know how long it'll be before I'll stop being so. It may be that I won't ever really forgive them, until they go through the same thing and so have a real idea of what they've put me through. At the moment, all their "I'm sorry"s just seem weak and futile, and are often accompanied with "but"s. I am so angry, and I have no idea what they could do to stop me being so. A bit of sucking-up perhaps wouldn't go astray, but their idea of "consideration" is leaving me alone to go off together. Anyway, for all he said that it could take me months or a year to really move on and that would be okay, they're just getting annoyed at me now. And I'll avoid bringing up the subject here again, lest you lot do the same, and/or I start getting some of that horrible "time to get over it!" advice. Anyone who says that will be sworn at. Ye be fairly warned.

[Midnight Son]

That's a challenge I can't pass up, so:

Just get over it. Get over the fact that two of your most trusted friends in the world just screwed you over big time. Get over your need to blame them for the agony you feel at this betrayal. Get over your anger. Get over your jealousy. Get over it. When you do, write a book and make millions, cause if you can get over that in this short a time, you need to share your secret with the world.

Reality: You won't get over it quickly. Betrayal by someone you care for is hard. I know from first hand experience. It hurts. It hurts like its never going to be better; like your heart has been shredded and will never be the same. Guess what? it never will be the same. You will never be the same person you were before he hurt you. But it will get better. I promise this. It took me a year before I stopped hating. Then another to begin trusting again. I hope it is quicker for you. She was my first girlfriend, so I had no experience to back up on. I cannot give you a cure. All I can tell you is that time is indeed what you need. I would also suggest that you stop trying to be friends with them. If, when you are better, you can look at them without feeling pain, then you can be friends again. In my case, I never spoke to her again, though that was more because I ended up moving out of state, than because I could not speak to her. Serpentine, you are a lovely young woman with a whole life ahead. Learn from this, then move on. you will find what you seek.

[Pyrian]

Thanks, Serpy. ...I did not expect this from Fdl.
Pyrian, I really don't care for your attitude.I'm sorry to hear that. I was trying to help. Would it have been better if I kept my amusement at the glaring contradiction in your post to myself? Or was it merely that I had the audacity to point such a thing out in the first place that got you upset?


Hope you realize that you're driving people like me away.When you said you didn't think I was taking you seriously, I thought you were joking. I didn't dream you were actually getting offended. Honestly, I'm a little bit mystified about people getting all riled up when I merely point out what they, themselves, actually said. So if you want to expound on why you're mad at me, please do.

Better yet, prove me wrong, and I'll post my picture in the You thread with egg on my face.

Serpentine: I really wish you could throw yourself into other friendships or hobbies or some such and not see them so much. We talked about that before, though, and it sounded like you were too busy with school and stuff. :smallfrown: *hugs*

[Serpentine]

You're lucky, Midnight =.= :smallannoyed: :smalltongue:

I have barely seen them. They turned up together, left, he came back, left the next day, been away all weekend. I've also been doing my best to hang out with friends and read and stuff. A minor breakdown when he got a message from her (he didn't say so, but he very pointedly... didn't, y'know?) made me realise that I wasn't ready to see them together yet, and I told them so ("You're going to have to deal with it sooner or later" from him.:smallsigh: :smallmad: Yes dear, but you've already forced me to have to deal with it sooner rather than later). I've resolved to start over again, more or less from scratch. The old relationships we all had are completely ****ed now, and irreversibly tainted, so I'm going to try to more or less abandon them and start again with "housemate who plays in my game and his girlfriend who also plays in my game". Obviously I'm hardly going to be able to make it a clean break - said jealous rage earlier amply demonstrates that - but I think it's something to start with.

edit: You know what really annoys me? When I'm angry, I cry :smallannoyed: This makes it very difficult to make any proper, reasonable, comprehensible argument, tends to make my anger seem so much more petty, eliminates any chance of my obtaining an aura of "steely resolve" or "cold rage" that I'd much prefer to "soggy frustration", etc. etc. Also it occasionally results in my being accused of emotional blackmail :smallannoyed:
Note to men: Just because you lot get your tear ducts removed at birth doesn't mean we can just turn our tears on and off :smallannoyed: Alright, some can, but I can't.

[Felixaar]

*hugs Serp* I dont know what advice to give you, so we'll have to stick with hugs. Sorry.

[The Bushranger]

*huggles teh Serp*

[Jae]

Although you weren't being outrightly mean, Pyrian, I do understand that generally topics of the relationship are insecure-infested, anyways. So a lot can be taken for insult where it might've not been, speaking of a different topic.


Wooo, Jae. You actually got me to post here.
As a fellow formerly-unattractive person (though I find this hard to believe with you), I find it interesting that we've both moved to opposite ends of the spectrum. I myself adore people for the most part, but, yes, I judge rather quickly and stick to those first impression judgments on whether or not the person is/was worth my time.
I've been shown wrong on quite a few instances.
I may as well and go ahead and say it was definitely true with me. Once in jr high a few guys were talking about what they'd rate other girls in our class, judged completely on looks, and while my best friends were "8's" and "9's," I had rather ruthlessly been thrown down to a "2." Which I dont admit often.
And its not that i hate all people I just am..ruthless in judgement, that mixed with my naturally cynical personality never yields a good outcome.


Anyways, Jae, do you have any intention of moving past this? Have you tried at all to reach out to people, or, even, just accept them for a short period of time before deciding if they interest you or do anything for you? (Because,in all reality, I think this describes anyones reason for keeping someone around, even if the reason is simply that they get you to smile or feel good.)
If you do have interest in moving past this fault, make yourself a promise to say hello to a new person everyday. IRL, or here.
You don't have to continue talking to them if you don't want to, but just spend a few minutes talking to someone you really hadn't before. About anything; you don't have to spill any secrets or your life story.
Within time, you might realize there are more interesting people out there than you think
I think if I honestly said "yes, i want to move past this, definitely" I may be lying. I don't know whether i want to or not, I've yet to be convinced it's actually worth it. I've been getting...better..? maybe? I consider people when they show interest, but then I end up just not even dealing with it. Which, actually, is like teasing and is basically worse.
I do talk to people, though. I listen and everything. But that, too, seems worse to me. I'm extremely analytical and can assume a lot from a little, and Im ruthless when it comes to this kind of thing. so every little mistake, whether by tongue or body language, is thrown into my judgement and I'm even less likely to give people a chance. so.
blah.

[Dragonrider]

Serpentine -

I have the same problem you do - crying when I'm angry. There's one person in particular who often upsets me, and as soon as I start to cry she starts laughing at me. The other reaction is that the opposition breaks down at once and the other person starts to comfort me, but I don't want that, either. I want to be angry and I want them to see it's important to me - to take me seriously - but it's hard for that to happen when I'm in tears. Again.

The funny thing is, I'm generally not a very emotional person. So it strikes people by surprise.


FdL/Pyrian - I'm straddling the fence on this one. I can kind of see why FdL might have felt you weren't taking him seriously, Pyrian, since this is clearly important to him. At the same time, FdL, he was trying to be helpful, and did not mean any disrespect. :smallsmile:

[UserClone]

FdL/Pyrian - I'm straddling the fence on this one. I can kind of see why FdL might have felt you weren't taking him seriously, Pyrian, since this is clearly important to him. At the same time, FdL, he was trying to be helpful, and did not mean any disrespect. :smallsmile:

QFT. Can't we be friends?:smallfrown:

[Dallas-Dakota]

When I´m very angry, and I`m trying to control it. Which I practically always do. My cheeks go red and stuff and it looks like I´m going to cry. While I´m not. :smallannoyed:

And then sometimes the response is : Oh, look he´s gonna cry!
Which upsets me more.

And I´m afraid to use force, since I actually know some lethal striking points and am stronger then I realize.

I accidentally broke my brothers wrist when I was 6. So I´m afraid to lose control.....

ARGH. I somehow know how you feel.

*hugs Serp*

[UserClone]

Serp, I actually DO know how you feel, almost exactly.:smallfrown: I too have had a rough time of it, and when I am at my angriest, I look like a sissy wuss about to cry. It's going to be a shock to the first guy that discovers my breaking point and suffers injuries because of it.:smallmad:

In other news, *hugs*

[Quincunx]

When the emperor's nekkid, the pervs will ogle!

No, I won't ask how to stop people ogling. As with so many other projections, whipping out a cell phone and snapping a picture works wonders. It's not just a societal fear of censure when it's used against oglers. How do you, however, get people to leave the room/area when you have no interest in the conversation they want to have? Unplugging the game system worked well enough for people who wanted to game more than leave, but how can you expel them from your space without expelling yourself from your space?

[Thufir]

How do you, however, get people to leave the room/area when you have no interest in the conversation they want to have? Unplugging the game system worked well enough for people who wanted to game more than leave, but how can you expel them from your space without expelling yourself from your space?

In my experience, most people get the hint when you give monotone monosyllabic responses to everything, maybe look distractedly at something else for good measure.
Some people this doesn't work on, and I don't know of any polite way of dealing with them.

[Dallas-Dakota]

All kinds of people can easily be repulsed by getting your hygiene down....

[Ranna]

When the emperor's nekkid, the pervs will ogle!

No, I won't ask how to stop people ogling. As with so many other projections, whipping out a cell phone and snapping a picture works wonders. It's not just a societal fear of censure when it's used against oglers. How do you, however, get people to leave the room/area when you have no interest in the conversation they want to have? Unplugging the game system worked well enough for people who wanted to game more than leave, but how can you expel them from your space without expelling yourself from your space?

Someone crashed because of my once, that was funny (not a serious crash just a dent because he missed a corner) serves the bugger right.

And I am no good at getting people to leave I will put up with a night of the most boring conversation because I am too polite to just up and leave, I usually require saving by someone pitying me.

[Midnight Son]

When the emperor's nekkid, the pervs will ogle!

No, I won't ask how to stop people ogling. As with so many other projections, whipping out a cell phone and snapping a picture works wonders. It's not just a societal fear of censure when it's used against oglers. How do you, however, get people to leave the room/area when you have no interest in the conversation they want to have? Unplugging the game system worked well enough for people who wanted to game more than leave, but how can you expel them from your space without expelling yourself from your space?
Stand up and start taking the conversation towards the door.

[YPU]

Note to men: Just because you lot get your tear ducts removed at birth doesn't mean we can just turn our tears on and off :smallannoyed: Alright, some can, but I can't.

Removing tear ducts would make you cry for eternity, they remove tears from the eyes not the other way round, and that sucks believe me, I know. I cried for quite a while after something rather similar happened to me. Heck I did not trust myself on going over a highway crossing the next days.
If you cant make a good argument face to face, and heck most people cant. Write it down! We all know you can write very well and very compelling, actually writing a letter to them might help expend understanding, for the little its worth.

Also, I envy you for your self control, I if had seen him in the weeks following up I don’t know what would have happened.

[skywalker]

The other reaction is that the opposition breaks down at once and the other person starts to comfort me, but I don't want that, either. I want to be angry and I want them to see it's important to me - to take me seriously - but it's hard for that to happen when I'm in tears. Again.

edit: You know what really annoys me? When I'm angry, I cry :smallannoyed: This makes it very difficult to make any proper, reasonable, comprehensible argument, tends to make my anger seem so much more petty, eliminates any chance of my obtaining an aura of "steely resolve" or "cold rage" that I'd much prefer to "soggy frustration", etc. etc. Also it occasionally results in my being accused of emotional blackmail :smallannoyed:
Note to men: Just because you lot get your tear ducts removed at birth doesn't mean we can just turn our tears on and off :smallannoyed: Alright, some can, but I can't.
+1 Gals.

I actually am in the middle of a tear duct reinstatement process(TDRP). I got some nice donor ducts, because of course my parents didn't think to save mine. I think they were a poet's, before they were mine. It's a long, arduous, rather painful process, and I still haven't learned how to use them quite correctly. I don't recommend it to anyone who doesn't already have them, or who isn't severely in need of them.

In all seriousness, the fact that I cried when angry, and not (as much) when sad, and the fact that weakness = social death in high school meant that I didn't cry from age 13 to age 18. A very wonderful person, a beautiful cheerful boy who deserved every bit of the nice things said about him, died in a car accident my senior year, and I did not shed a single tear.

@ dallas(regarding your question from earlier): We didn't. She wound up making a choice(finding it similar to Jae's?) to be less than friends. Acquaintances, if you will. I really liked that girl, too.

[Serpentine]

To be fair to ogglers, I personally would find it very flattering to be oggled at all. Though there are limits - I went to a pub the other night, and a (African) black fellow (probably either one of the Sudanese refugees or an international student, maybe both!) was walking by me as I was playing a game with someone. He kept his eyes locked on me, looked away briefly to watch where he was going, looked back, stopped, watched for a moment, then turned and moved on still looking at me. That was... flattering but confusing? :smallconfused:

On getting people to go: Most of my friends are pretty good with that, except one. He will not take a hint :smallsigh: When Goff and I were courting, he had to go have a shower and I had to make that I was leaving to go to bed before he'd go, and now we still have to be in the process of going to bed before he'll go. I've started just saying, "alright, bedtime. Goodnight [friend]."

Thanks for hugs :smallsmile:
edit: Oh, and I do write things down. I write things down so much I'm starting to feel stupid doing it. It is a useful way to articulate one's argument, though.

[zeratul]

edit: You know what really annoys me? When I'm angry, I cry :smallannoyed: This makes it very difficult to make any proper, reasonable, comprehensible argument, tends to make my anger seem so much more petty, eliminates any chance of my obtaining an aura of "steely resolve" or "cold rage" that I'd much prefer to "soggy frustration", etc. etc. Also it occasionally results in my being accused of emotional blackmail :smallannoyed:
Note to men: Just because you lot get your tear ducts removed at birth doesn't mean we can just turn our tears on and off :smallannoyed: Alright, some can, but I can't.

A few girls I know have told me about that happening to them too. Perhaps trying to focus on what you're trying to accomplish more than the actual emotion itself would help? If you can get out what you need to say without thinking about how angry or sad you are it could help you not to cry. (Then again this is coming from someone who hasn't cried in several years so take it with a grain of salt .................also a big hug).

[Quincunx]

Thufir, thanks for the thought.

dallas-dakota, I want the means for snap eviction, not for warding people off in the first place.

Midnight Son, while I dislike the idea of moving out of my space, and I'd have to leave as I am too small to herd someone in the direction of 'out', I'll give leading a try.

[Tragic_Comedian]

I'm back. Just to complain to someone other than myself, mostly. The girl I mentioned earlier on here, the one my best friend had been dating and recently turned me down, I paid her a compliment the other night, a perfectly innocent, good natured one, and now her current boyfriend is telling me to leave her alone. She's one of my best friends, surely I can talk and laugh and pay her compliments? I didn't say anything, because he could probably beat me up. :smallwink:

[Felixaar]

I accidentally broke my brothers wrist when I was 6. So I´m afraid to lose control.....

DALLAS!! SMASH!!

I'm sorry, I just had to.

On crying when you're angry, thats a pain. I would say sock them in the face before you start crying but that doesnt work for everyone (some people would say it works for no one, I probably would've agreed but now I think it can be the appropriate response in a few - isolated - situations). FYI though, guys dont get their tear ducts removed at birth - atleast, not all of them. I havent full on cried in four years now, but that doesnt stop me misting up in the movies and what not (did anyone else see The Bucket List? :smallfrown:). Maybe if you're getting angry and think you're going to cry, you could say... whatever your anger demands you say, if you really feel the need to, and then storm off before tears come (and dont turn around). Like you say its a bummer cause most people get the wrong signals, thinking that you're sad or worse, regret being angry.

Serp, speaking from personal experience it's pretty easy to get weird, impassive stares from African peoples. Ofcourse its probably easy when you're the only white guy in a city of 1.2 million (ohhh, yeaaah) but I'd say dont worry about it to much. Didnt help that people mistook me for a girl, either, being called "Sister!" or "Madame!" is just confusing. I really need to grow a beard >.>

FYI guys; posting comments on the FDL/Pyrian disagreement is kind of pointless without FDL reading them.

[Pyrian]

FYI guys; posting comments on the FDL/Pyrian disagreement is kind of pointless without FDL reading them.
Well, I'll still read them. :smalltongue:

[UserClone]

Fuddles never specifically mentioned whether he would read or not, only that he'd been "scared away," or something to that effect.

[Executor]

So i've got the standard teenaged guy's romantic problem: A girl I really like only has eyes for someone else.

First let me clear up a few things: I'm a nice guy, but not the sort of anonymously nice gutless guy that puts you in mind of the main character of a harem anime or something. I'm nice without being spineless, confident without being full of myself, and, not too honk my own horn, but I can be rather handsome when I want to be (thought usually i'm too lazy to put any effort into it)

Secondly, the girl in this case is named Angeliki and she is not in love with the other guy, she's in lust with him. All that this guy Russell really has is his sex appeal, other than that he's just a stupid *******. Yes he is an ******* and yes he is stupid. Why is he an *******? He's pretty much just a perverted freak who's had two dozen relationships in the last year, each of which ended on the same note: He cheated on each of his girlfriends. Why is he stupid? He thinks Steve-O from Jackass is a misunderstood genius... enough said.

Now what have I done so far about my situation? Well I told Angeliki I really liked her and I want to be with her, i've made my interest clear, and i've made it clear what I think of Russell and her little infatuation with his six-pack abs. I'm not sure what else to do...

[Serpentine]

Ex: I'd say, do put the effort in, and don't be too critical of this guy in front of her - after all, if you insult him, you're insulting her taste.

I put this in the LGBT thread, but I thought it could be vaguely relevant here and/or obtain a more unbiased sample pool?

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h287/serpentine16/sexuality.gif

[Dallas-Dakota]

Even though I´m straight I already posted for it there....

[Klose_the_Sith]

I'm torn between two girls, one who I don't know who likes me and one who I kind of know who I don't think likes me, but might.

Long story short, I decided it'd be safer to do nothing for a little while and see what I decided, but I was wondering what this thread had to say ...

[YPU]

I put this in the LGBT thread, but I thought it could be vaguely relevant here and/or obtain a more unbiased sample pool?


Oky, you can put me up at 16, 6 I think.

[Ranna]

Think I am an 18 4 (assuming we are going down the corridor and then up the stairs...)

[Krrth]

I put this in the LGBT thread, but I thought it could be vaguely relevant here and/or obtain a more unbiased sample pool?

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h287/serpentine16/sexuality.gif
First, let me just say my wife has the same problem. When she gets upset, she cries. It's a reaction, and nothing to be embarressed about. If it gets in the way of a discussion, do what I do. Leave. I've made sure to tell my friends and family that if I get up and walk out in the middle of an argument, it's not because I don't want to work things out or don't value their input. It's because I Don't want to say something I don't mean, and need to calm down.

As for the graph, assuming a standard X,Y, I'd be around (18,14)

[Serpentine]

One of the most frustrating things right now is the variability and inconsistency. I can be quite happy, or at least okay, even think I might be up to spending an evening with them... Then one stray thought, one quick wonder, "what are they doing right now, alone together?" and I'm a bloody mess. Damn. I was hoping my face'd stay dry tonight. I know it's utterly unfair, but I sort of want to send them a message each telling them that I'm crying, just so they'll feel bad and their lovely, romantic evening can be just that bit closer to my present misery... Man, I'm just a bubble of fun lately, aren't I? Sorry =/ I'll try to be chipperer...

Chart will be updated tomorrow.

[Krrth]

One of the most frustrating things right now is the variability and inconsistency. I can be quite happy, or at least okay, even think I might be up to spending an evening with them... Then one stray thought, one quick wonder, "what are they doing right now, alone together?" and I'm a bloody mess. Damn. I was hoping my face'd stay dry tonight.

Chart will be updated tomorrow.

That, I'm afraid, will take time. Most people don't get over emotional trama easily or quickly. Don't fool yourself and think it didn't happen. (from what I've read, I don't think you are). IMO, the bestway to deal with the situation would be to step back and distance yourself as much as possible. Until you get a handle on your feelings, and exactly why you are having them, it will be difficult. Is there a hobby you can get into? Keeping yourself distracted as much as possible could help.

[Serpentine]

I've gotta get to work on the D&D game I'm running. One problem: The group consists of him, her, me, and two fairly retiring guys :smallsigh: I'm okay talking about D&D with them, though, and the fact that apparently mine is her favourite game (and she was in more than 5, including White Wolf games) makes me feel better about it. If only he could say something good about my DMing, that isn't accompanied by "but" or "I just think..."

[Midnight Son]

Interesting graph. I'd probably run at about 18,4. It'd be 20, but Brad Pitt briefly made me question my sexuality after seeing Legends of the Fall.:smalltongue:

As for the crying thing, I can understand it. Crying is something one does when their emotions are in overdrive. It is the body's way of relieving stress and releasing the emotion. Personally, I am glad that my reaction to anger used to be that I would freeze up, seeing as I used to have a terrible temper and have always been bigger than my peers. Interestingly, when I learned to control my anger, the freezing up stopped.

No woes worthy of mention here. Just thought I'd add my 2cp to the issue.

[Krrth]

I've gotta get to work on the D&D game I'm running. One problem: The group consists of him, her, me, and two fairly retiring guys :smallsigh: I'm okay talking about D&D with them, though, and the fact that apparently mine is her favourite game (and she was in more than 5, including White Wolf games) makes me feel better about it. If only he could say something good about my DMing, that isn't accompanied by "but" or "I just think..."
That could get interesting. On one hand, with both of them right in front of you, you don't have to wonder. But, , it could hurt too. Hmm...have you thought about finding another player to join? Changing the group dynamic might help that particular situation.

[Serpentine]

Some clarification on the chart, from the LGBT thread:


Updating the chart, but I just wanted to mention: 1 on the X would be approximately "completely repulsed by members of the opposite sex", 20 = "completely repulsed by members of the same sex", and on the Y 1 = "Nymphomania/Satyriasis - uncontrollable compultion to engage in and/or obsession with sex", 20 = "completely repulsed by the idea of sexual activities". 11 = "either way/could take it or leave it"
Oh, may as well approximately define the middlings, as well (other thoughts welcome): on x-axis, 6= "really prefer same but find other attractive/would consider something unserious with other" and 15 = "really prefer other but find same attractive/would consider something unserious with same". On y, 6= "find it highly enjoyable, miss it/grow frustrated in its absence", 16 = "don't really enjoy it, would prefer to/could do without".

Krrth: That's not a bad idea, really. I'll think about it.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Player Zero´s sexuality is 25:smalltongue:

[YPU]

have you thought about finding another player to join? Changing the group dynamic might help that particular situation.
This indeed sounds like a good idea for the dnd game, it might however, if brought in the wrong way be interpreted as somebody you plan on being your next boy/girl friend, kind of like a rub in the face reaction. Now we all know your not like that, but make sure it also doesn’t seem like that, else it would only worsen the situation.

[Midnight Son]

Serpentine, don't you mean repulsed by the idea of sex with them. There are many men out there who I do not find repulsive, but the thought of sex with them would be weird, at best.

[Krrth]

This indeed sounds like a good idea for the dnd game, it might however, if brought in the wrong way be interpreted as somebody you plan on being your next boy/girl friend, kind of like a rub in the face reaction. Now we all know your not like that, but make sure it also doesn’t seem like that, else it would only worsen the situation.
You are right in that it is a risk. Not knowing the personalities of all involved, I can't judge how likely that is. There are ways to mitigate that, though.

[Serpentine]

Keep in mind that that's the extreme of that axis. I didn't express it very well, though... And I don't know how to explain it better =/

YPU: I'm not overly inclined to give a flying fruitcake about that. I'm not interested in anything serious at the moment, anyway.

[YPU]

@^ , tough some would say you could possible regret it in the future I’m pretty sure everybody would agree theirs is not the position to hold something you do now against you anyway.
And for the second part, good for you, it wouldn’t be the first time somebody runs of to do stupid things after such a experience, can say I see the logic in it, its more a emotional person thing rather then a rational person thing, and I would classify you as a rational type?

[Midnight Son]

So, for extreme, you would term that homophobic? Or are you assuming that everyone on the chart, since it's from the LGBT, at least has an acceptance of the other areas on the chart?

[Serpentine]

Closeted homosexuals can be some of the worst homophobes around. I suppose "cannot appreciate the aesthetics of the body of the same sex" could be part of it? I suppose disgust at the very idea of people having sex with the same gender could be part of it, which would indeed be homophobia at least to some degree... Keep in mind it's meant to be very much an extreme, which few people would ever reach. Something approximately equivalent to nymphomania and asexuality.

YPU: A major root of our breakup was my openess about the fact that I didn't expect us to last forever, and that I wanted to try various relationships and the like before settling down with one person, and his inability to be happy with a relationship he didn't fully expect to last forever. I only ever expected us to split up because of changing circumstances or somesuch, and I think I knew that, but anyway. My point is, if the reason for us splitting up is my desire to experience being single and the like, then dammit I may as well try to enjoy it. Of course, as a very wise man once said, noone wants to know they're that easily replaced.

[Ranna]

Interesting graph. I'd probably run at about 18,4. It'd be 20, but Brad Pitt briefly made me question my sexuality after seeing Legends of the Fall.:smalltongue:

<snippy>




ooo Midnight we're a match... you and me baby!! *wink*

[Vampiric]

Interesting chart, Serpy. I'm probably a 17/18, 5/6.

I'm afraid I don't have anything to add to what's been said about your situation, serp. sorry.

And, just for a spot of randomness, I don't cry when arguing, but I sometimes feel myself 'shut down' - I'm unable to muster any sort of argument against the person accusing me/who is angry and so I end up 'losing'...

[Shadow]

OK then Serpy, where would I be? I'm an extremely sexual, extremely hetero individual. I have no attraction to men whatsoever but I am secure enough in my sexuality, and comfortable enough with others, that I joke around a lot. (ie: see me kissing and tweaking Zeb)

Place me securely on your chart, if you wish. I'd say probably somewhere right next to Midnight.
*gets ready to snuggle with MS*

[Midnight Son]

ooo Midnight we're a match... you and me baby!! *wink*
Brad Pitt briefly made you question your sexuality?:smallyuk:

See, now I'm not sure where I would fit on that graph. I am 100% straight, but I'm not upset or offended if someone else is not. I will freely admit that another man is attractive, but I would never consider having sex with him. To me, 18 seems best, but you seem to be intimating that putting one's self that far over is homo-apprehensive at best.

Edit: Shadow, me, and Ranna, eh? That should make for an interesting evening.:smallwink:

[skywalker]

Closeted homosexuals can be some of the worst homophobes around. I suppose "cannot appreciate the aesthetics of the body of the same sex" could be part of it? I suppose disgust at the very idea of people having sex with the same gender could be part of it, which would indeed be homophobia at least to some degree... Keep in mind it's meant to be very much an extreme, which few people would ever reach. Something approximately equivalent to nymphomania and asexuality. Hmmmm. Interesting thought here. I hate the term homophobia, I think it's become a negatively charged pejorative, which is something it shouldn't be. My own situation: I have kissed boys before. I am incredibly open to gay people and them loving members of the same sex. I love some of my male friends(altho not in a sexual or romantic way) and I'm not afraid to express it in a way that could be seen as homosexual today(altho would've been the norm in earlier times, see Sam and Frodo). However, I am utterly repulsed by the thought of sex with another man, and the idea of two (other)men sleeping together is very, very nasty for me. Does that make me a homophobe?


A major root of our breakup was my openess about the fact that I didn't expect us to last forever, and that I wanted to try various relationships and the like before settling down with one person, and his inability to be happy with a relationship he didn't fully expect to last forever. I only ever expected us to split up because of changing circumstances or somesuch, and I think I knew that, but anyway. My point is, if the reason for us splitting up is my desire to experience being single and the like, then dammit I may as well try to enjoy it. Of course, as a very wise man once said, noone wants to know they're that easily replaced. I want you to know that I love and respect you, that I have been through all the things you've been through recently(altho I am much worse at articulating it) and it'll get better. It's getting better for me. Let's get better together! :smallsmile:

[Shadow]

See, now I'm not sure where I would fit on that graph. I am 100% straight, but I'm not upset or offended if someone else is not. I will freely admit that another man is attractive, but I would never consider having sex with him. To me, 18 seems best, but you seem to be intimating that putting one's self that far over is homo-apprehensive at best.
My sentiments exactly.
Which is why I told Serpy to place me herself, if she so wished.

[Thufir]

Hmmmm. Interesting thought here. I hate the term homophobia, I think it's become a negatively charged pejorative, which is something it shouldn't be. My own situation: I have kissed boys before. I am incredibly open to gay people and them loving members of the same sex. I love some of my male friends(altho not in a sexual or romantic way) and I'm not afraid to express it in a way that could be seen as homosexual today(altho would've been the norm in earlier times, see Sam and Frodo). However, I am utterly repulsed by the thought of sex with another man, and the idea of two (other)men sleeping together is very, very nasty for me. Does that make me a homophobe?

Clarify: Do you mean you just dislike the term because you don't think it should be used as a pejorative, or that you think it should have a different meaning to that usually attached to it, which is pejorative?

OK, my request for clarification isn't very clear. To refer to the rest of that paragraph, the distinction I'm asking for is: Do you mean you just dislike the term in general, or do you think it's used with the wrong meaning, so the correct meaning would define you as a homophobe, that not being a bad thing?
Because by the meaning as typically used, I would say you're not a homophobe, as you accept other people being gay. You're just very heterosexual.

[happyturtle]

Hmmmm. Interesting thought here. I hate the term homophobia, I think it's become a negatively charged pejorative, which is something it shouldn't be. My own situation: I have kissed boys before. I am incredibly open to gay people and them loving members of the same sex. I love some of my male friends(altho not in a sexual or romantic way) and I'm not afraid to express it in a way that could be seen as homosexual today(altho would've been the norm in earlier times, see Sam and Frodo). However, I am utterly repulsed by the thought of sex with another man, and the idea of two (other)men sleeping together is very, very nasty for me. Does that make me a homophobe?


No, that's not homophobia. That's just not liking something.

Put it this way. I really hate mushrooms. The idea of eating them is very very nasty for me. But I'm not afraid of them, and I'm not offended if anyone else eats them. I'm not trying to ban them from the stores or convince people that eating fungus is wrong.

You can't control what turns you on or off. As long as you aren't trying to make everyone else's turn-ons conform to yours, I think you are ethically in the clear.

[skywalker]

you think it's used with the wrong meaning, so the correct meaning would define you as a homophobe, that not being a bad thing?

This is what I meant. Because the one definition of homophobia, aversion to homosexual acts, describes me perfectly. On the other hand, the other definition of homophobia, intolerance of homosexuals and all associated things, can only tangentially describe me, as I am intolerant of homosexual things happening to me, and minorly intolerant of thinking about homosexual things(I mean graphic stuff, kissing isn't going to bother me, as I previously said.)

I hate the second definition(which most people use) because:
A) It's not like arachnophobia, agoraphobia, or any other phobia.
B) Using and defining it that way sometimes seems to vilify me(as I have previously described myself) for my thoughts. It seems to imply that I am anti-gay since I am anti-gay sex.

[YPU]

YPU: A major root of our breakup was my openess about the fact that I didn't expect us to last forever, and that I wanted to try various relationships and the like before settling down with one person, and his inability to be happy with a relationship he didn't fully expect to last forever. I only ever expected us to split up because of changing circumstances or somesuch, and I think I knew that, but anyway. My point is, if the reason for us splitting up is my desire to experience being single and the like, then dammit I may as well try to enjoy it. Of course, as a very wise man once said, noone wants to know they're that easily replaced.
Rational, no doubt there.
But what I was talking about s more in the line of this (http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=22)I know that some dudes are known to work that path. But I wasn’t thinking you would fall for that, just a general precaution I tend to give break up broken down peeps.

[The Bushranger]

I hate the second definition(which most people use) because:
A) It's not like arachnophobia, agoraphobia, or any other phobia.
In addition to that, there really should be a better term than "homophobia" on the other half of the word too. Since it literally means "fear of [being] the same". cf 'homogenous'. But then I've always subscribed to Twain's dictum*.


As for me on the chart...allowing for rounding, call it 16 and 4.






* - "Using the right word, as opposed to the almost-right word, is really quite important. It's the difference between the lightning and the lightningbug."

[Executor]

An update: Well, Angeliki had a huge fight with her family and, because of that, she saw how Russell really is. She went to him for some comfort, and he didn't care about her or her problems. She went to him, and he showed her that all he really wanted from her was the sex. That really tore her... so she went to me instead. I was the shoulder she needed it, I was there when she needed me. I'm just hoping she can find something in her heart for me other than friendship.

[Felixaar]

Well, I'll still read them. :smalltongue:

Hence "kind of" pointless.


I'm torn between two girls, one who I don't know who likes me and one who I kind of know who I don't think likes me, but might.

Long story short, I decided it'd be safer to do nothing for a little while and see what I decided, but I was wondering what this thread had to say ...

Plan your on now seems like a good one, but be wary of leaving your chance too late - if either of them like you they might grow disconnected from that in time and it could be too late. Happened to me, its a pain - make sure when you go for one that you only go for one, dont go for the other one if it doesnt work out, y'kno? You dont want to end up feeling like you got second best.


I'm not interested in anything serious at the moment, anyway.

*hides a boquet of flowers and wipes away a tear*
I kid, I kid. Not that I wouldnt be interested if I werent in a semi-committed relationship-that-isnt-a-relationship. Afterall, you do have a cute cat.

I'm going to stop talking now.

Oh and though I know I dont have to tell you... dont send them that message. Spite aint going to make you feel any better, or atleast, if it does it wont last very long. Stay strong, Serpy, you can make it through this :smallsmile:


Brad Pitt briefly made me question my sexuality after seeing Legends of the Fall.:smalltongue:

Brad Pitt? Dude, I thought you were cool.

Chartwise; exactly how does the sexuality get rated? And is that strictly related to sex, or to romance in general? Like several of the others around here I'm hetero to the max, but not homophobic. Y'kno, like where my best friend and I mess with his girlfriend or something by pretending to be gay (her being bisexual makes it less succesful), but the idea of actually... being with a man just... yeah, nauseating, no thanks. And for the matter, I've never found a guy attractive - except me - sure theres guys who look cool or have a lot of style or whatever, but not like physically attractive... if you can grasp that difference?

Executor; your problem is funny when I picture your avatar saying it. Anyway, for actual adivce, lets see... With the blow up and the removal of Russell (who names a baby "Russell"? (but then, who names a baby "Alfred", or "Cornelius"?)) it looks like your in a good position but beware of being the rebound - I'd say to hold off on anything romantic for a while; after all (and do correct me if I'm wrong, girls,) one thing girls like is when guys can get a control of their hormones and just be platonic when they need to talk out their problems - kissing and such might make them feel better and temporarily asway the dilemma, but the issue is still in them unresolved. They need to get their problems out, and then get rid of them. Members of the female gender, do tell me if I have that right. Best of luck man, and welcome to the Brotherhood of Nice Guys With Confidence.

[UserClone]

Of course, as a very wise man once said, noone wants to know they're that easily replaced.

=O
I is...wise?





Edit: Also, I was mistaken about the Y axis on the chart. Why so counterintuitive? I would therefore be at about 16, 4. *I is mush hornier now!:smalltongue:*

[Serpentine]

See, now I'm not sure where I would fit on that graph. I am 100% straight, but I'm not upset or offended if someone else is not. I will freely admit that another man is attractive, but I would never consider having sex with him. To me, 18 seems best, but you seem to be intimating that putting one's self that far over is homo-apprehensive at best.It's 20 that would be something like that. How about... 20 = extremely, extremely turned off by even the very thought of so much as touching another man in an intimate manner to the point of disgust at the idea, incapable of finding another man even remotely physically attractive. I think 18 would be about right for what you're describing.

YPU: Heh, yeah. Not likely to be doing that :smalltongue: (if anything, he's the one who's gonna be knocking on doors crying :smallwink:)

Flix: Awww ^_^ :smallredface:

[SilentNight]

I've got a friend who's got some problems with her friend. It's not really sexual but still a little indecent. Anyone's PM box open?

[Serpentine]

I'm always available.

:smallwink:

[Zarrexaij]

My boyfriend and I have patched up after a long talk and have decided we'll eventually date other people, if only for the experience. Yes, our intentions are to get back together. It seems like he had a really bad day at work. :smallsigh: Sometimes I wonder about him. He acts so much better in person, but he can be sweet over the Internet too. We actually talked today, which surprised me and filled me with joy. It seems sometimes we go without days without actually having conversation. Gets sorta awkward. I solved this on my own; took actually paying attention to the way he acts. I'm hoping when he lives on his own there will be a notable difference. I'd be a hypocrite for getting really mad at him for lashing out at people when angry at one thing; I do it all the time without really meaning to. :smallfrown: I'm trying to get over my nasty, nasty habit of coloring what he says, putting words in his mouth, thinking he's implying things when he's not. Not everything is a-okay, but we're still in good shape. But that's not why I'm in this thread again.

Forever me if I'm in the wrong thread, but I have something that has been bothering me. I want to know if I'm in the right or wrong. I've gotten mixed answers. A certain friend of mine, who I tried so hard to get him away from his ex that cheated on him, blackmailed him, and treated him like crap, put up a nasty blog about me after giving him relationship advice. He's really pessimistic. He kept on complaining about how his relationships never work, how they'll never work, et cetera. I told him "If you think a relationship is going to be crap, it's going to be crap because of self-fufilling prophecy." Well, he got all sorts of mad over that and created a blog complaining about my advice, his relationships, and me in general. I wasn't very pleased. I felt betrayed. That is why he has ignored me for the past four months. Won't return my PMs. Won't return me phone calls. Won't answer his phone. Et cetera. I was VERY furious with him. :smallfurious: I have very, very few friends, so when I'm stabbed in the back like this (very passive aggressively I might add), I don't take it very well. So I wrote a blog targeted about him, telling him about all his flaws I had to endure for THREE YEARS and how what he was doing was NOT fair. Well, without all the niceties. Because of this, I want little to do with him. :smallsigh: If he can't be upfront with me, then things aren't going to work as friends. I just don't roll that way. I don't like confrontations, sure, but at least talk to me about it instead of going behind my back... in a public place. :smallsigh:

[Serpentine]

I've had a sudden urge to send a message to one or both of them saying something horrible like "Having fun banging there? Hope you're thinking of me." I'm confessing that here because if I don't I'm not entirely confident in my willpower, and I don't want to be "That Crazy Bitch Ex". Or am I already there just for considering that? They both have their phones on silent or off, they wouldn't get it until much later anyway 9.9
I think I figured out part of why his poetry bothers me so much. Probably in big part due to my truly awful memory and just because of the way I think I work much better with text that speech. If I really need to articulate myself properly, I have to write it down. For me to comprehend something, it's best if I can read it. If I'm going to remember or treasure something, I need to have it on paper (or on screen) so I can go back to it whenever I want or need. That's why the messages we exchanged mean so much to me, and why I wrote them down and saved them before deleting them from my phone. Unfortunately, most of them are so short and reasonably generic that... well, he could say them to anyone, y'know? And that's all I have. Cards generally consisted of "To Serp, love Goff". He didn't draw, wasn't particularly creative. He was going to write out a sort of letter addressing all these insecurities and crap, and it would be really appreciated, might even make up for it, but there hasn't been any mention of that happening lately. She gets poetry. And I can't even look at the picture my high school bf gave me the day we first got together because I don't know where it is :smallsigh:

*sigh*
Anyone have any tips on dealing with insane jealousy?


...I said I'd be more chipper, didn't I? Hrm... Well, I had 3 gentlemen at my house this afternoon. That was nice. And I fixed the rest of the muffin mix because the lot I baked yesterday didn't come out right but this newer lot was quite tasty, so I are good cook ^_^

edit into this one because I'm tired of cluttering this up. I has a quandry: I've mentioned, repeatedly, that I don't want a Relationship again yet. The trouble yet, I do feel the need to have someone adore me, chase me, want me and other verbs followed by "me" (self-absorbed? Me? <.<). I want to be the centre of someone's world for a while, preferably someone nicer than Ex (he's awesome, and a great guy, but he's not nice, y'know?). However, I desperately don't want this hypothetical person to fall in love with me, and as I said, I don't want to have a Relationship yet - the latter would make me horribly guilty about the former. My ideal event: Have someone fall madly in lust with me, sweep me off my feet with much flirtings and interesting activities then fairly quickly (say, less than a month, possibly even just a few days) part ways in a friendly manner to become friends/acquaintances/never see each other again, sans regrets, angst, etc.

[banjo1985]

Jealousy is hard to deal with when the focus of it is still integral to parts of your life unfortunately, as I would usually suggest avoiding them as much as possible. So not much use then....

*hugs*

However, I'm glad you managed to fix Jibar :smallbiggrin:

[Ranna]

Zarrexaij I tihnk that is horrendously mature I can't even look at you right now because you make me look bad (j/k).

Serp I like to think that jelousy means that you care. I am a very very green eyed monster and have to rein myself in all the time before I destroy my relationship. What you are going through must be so incredibly hard I say you do anything to make yourself feel better. (As long as any psycho stuff is kept to yourself, and you know what I mean by that as your post suggests. )Therefore I wouldn't worry you seem to be coping just fine to me, but then I may be very wrong...

[skywalker]

I've had a sudden urge to send a message to one or both of them saying something horrible like "Having fun banging there? Hope you're thinking of me." I'm confessing that here because if I don't I'm not entirely confident in my willpower, and I don't want to be "That Crazy Bitch Ex". Or am I already there just for considering that? They both have their phones on silent or off, they wouldn't get it until much later anyway 9.9
I think I figured out part of why his poetry bothers me so much. Probably in big part due to my truly awful memory and just because of the way I think I work much better with text that speech. If I really need to articulate myself properly, I have to write it down. For me to comprehend something, it's best if I can read it. If I'm going to remember or treasure something, I need to have it on paper (or on screen) so I can go back to it whenever I want or need. That's why the messages we exchanged mean so much to me, and why I wrote them down and saved them before deleting them from my phone. Unfortunately, most of them are so short and reasonably generic that... well, he could say them to anyone, y'know? And that's all I have. Cards generally consisted of "To Serp, love Goff". He didn't draw, wasn't particularly creative. He was going to write out a sort of letter addressing all these insecurities and crap, and it would be really appreciated, might even make up for it, but there hasn't been any mention of that happening lately. She gets poetry. And I can't even look at the picture my high school bf gave me the day we first got together because I don't know where it is :smallsigh:

*sigh*
Anyone have any tips on dealing with insane jealousy?


...I said I'd be more chipper, didn't I? Hrm... Well, I had 3 gentlemen at my house this afternoon. That was nice. And I fixed the rest of the muffin mix because the lot I baked yesterday didn't come out right but this newer lot was quite tasty, so I are good cook ^_^

edit into this one because I'm tired of cluttering this up. I has a quandry: I've mentioned, repeatedly, that I don't want a Relationship again yet. The trouble yet, I do feel the need to have someone adore me, chase me, want me and other verbs followed by "me" (self-absorbed? Me? <.<). I want to be the centre of someone's world for a while, preferably someone nicer than Ex (he's awesome, and a great guy, but he's not nice, y'know?). However, I desperately don't want this hypothetical person to fall in love with me, and as I said, I don't want to have a Relationship yet - the latter would make me horribly guilty about the former. My ideal event: Have someone fall madly in lust with me, sweep me off my feet with much flirtings and interesting activities then fairly quickly (say, less than a month, possibly even just a few days) part ways in a friendly manner to become friends/acquaintances/never see each other again, sans regrets, angst, etc.

To your last, there's always this (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_sex_tourism).

I think Ranna has the right idea as far as the jealousy goes, just keep the "psycho" stuff to yourself(or us). Also, try not to think about them banging. It really helped me to be out with friends or talking(in other threads, I took a bit of time away from RWA, I think) on GITP or playing a game or watching a movie or just occupying my mind to a point where, yes, I had fleeting moments of absolute jealous rage, but overall my mind was occupied. One day here soon I'm gonna deal with what happened, but it's hard to do that while the happening is still happening. I tried to deal with the happening before it happened once and that didn't even come close to working. So, occupy your mind as much as possible for now.

[alchemyprime]

Ya know, for every time I came here with a problemma, Serp and Syka were there for me, as awell as a few other playgrounders.

Serp, I know jealousy well. For me it's not so much like it was for you as that I got very physically ill until I realized it was jealousy. The worst one was when two exes dated each other. I was jealous of them both.

Don't let it overwhelm you. Accept your jealousy and it will pass.

And if not... swing by my home town. PM me for a password. I'll bake you some brownies.

I'm serious.

[ChaoticEvilGuy]

I like a girl. I wish it was as simple as that but the problem is:
I dated her best friend and when we broke up she said she liked me however me and my ex got back together the same day. She says she got over me however now that me and her friend have broken up I'm not sure. She seems to like me but I can't tell if she's just being friendly or not. She always talks to me she tickles me one time she asked me to protect during a pillow fight. I don't know though:smallfrown:...

[happyturtle]

Girls do not tickle guys unless they like them.

[Serpentine]

Oooo, brownies. So just where is this hometown of yours? :smallwink:

Kinda-update: Neither of them can do or say the things I need them to to make me 1. forgive them, 2. stop being angry at them, 3. stop feeling sick at the thought of her/them or 4. stop me from visualising them together/going at it or wondering about them or whatever. Now to translate this acknowledgement into actual progress by myself... I don't think I'm very good at that :smallsigh:

[Lerky]

Girls do not tickle guys unless they like them.

so true:smallamused:

[randman22222]

Girls do not tickle guys unless they like them.

So not true.

[happyturtle]

So not true.

Really? What sort of weird girls have been tickling you?

[randman22222]

A friend of mine who I was very interested in a while back. She wasn't in me though...

[Cobra_Ikari]

So not true.

I'd agree, but I found out years later that most of them did. Stupid, oblivious me. :smalltongue:

[happyturtle]

Hmm... well sometimes very young and inexperienced girls don't realize they are sending mixed signals. And sometimes very mean girls do it on purpose. But based on ChaoticEvilGuy's description, I think the chances are good that the girl he likes also likes him back.

And look at it this way. If you make a move, the worst that can happen is that you don't get the girl. Since you don't currently have the girl, it seems like a fairly safe risk to take.

[randman22222]

That's all past-tense, FYI.

Nothing I'm worrying about currently. As far as love goes, (and people in general shouldn't be afraid of using that word... bah. weird people.) I'm twiddling my thumbs.

[happyturtle]

Sorry, I'm suffering from drug-induced unclear posting. I was giving advice to ChaoticEvilGuy, not to you Randman.

[Felixaar]

Zarr, I probably wouldnt have done what you did but whats done is done, and you cant change that. If he aint returning calls its pretty difficult to recover a friendship, though worth a try if you want. If not, just forget about it, move on, breath it out and dont let it get back in your head. Also congrats on the improving situation with your boyfriend. *hugs* Stay Strong, Girl.

Serp, Theres something I think you should consider doing. Get your phone. Turn it off. Hide it. Forget where it is. I know you're going through pain and jealousy right now, and though every case is seperate, I have a little idea of what you're going through - for example, when my first "girlfriend" cheated on me for the first time (it was the first of three, I've since learned not to tolerate it), I remember repeatedly smacking at the ground with shovel for about half an hour until I more or less collapsed and then couldnt move my arms for days.

...Do you have a shovel around?

I kid, I kid. (You have girl arms anyway :smalltongue: I kid, I kid) Anyway, while your suffering at the moment, you have to be careful. Like you say you dont want to be the Psycho Bitch Ex and ruin it up for them. Be the bigger person and let them have their fun... it'll work out for the good in the end, I promise.

On that last one... I'd love to help you out but theres the brief problem of me already having a gal and being 10,000 miles away. I adore you atleast :smallsmile: you're a great person and I really do value having you as a friend. Keep tough, sister :smallbiggrin:

ChaoticEvilGuy, I think happyturtle put it best, if you make a move and dont get the girl then your no worse of then you were to begin with. It looks good, though some girls can be oblivious to the fact you like them or that they're sending flirtish signals. It's happened to me before. Anyway man I say go for it its worth a shot. Doesnt sound like you need it but if you want some advice on the asking out process give me a yell (or a PM, since I probably cant hear you from New York), and keep us updated! Best of luck.

Lerky, how're you and your lady going? Haven't heard anything much sicne you got together. (though I might have missed something in my downtime)

Cobes, havent seen you in a while, man, what's happening?

[ChaoticEvilGuy]

I'm mainly concerned about the awkwardness. I like her as a friend I mean we have such similar interests. But I would be kinda awkward if she said no, or worse we broke up. But I could always use advice thanks for the offer Felixaar.:smallsmile:
(oh wait I'm supposed to have an evil-persona:smalltongue:)

[Lerky]

tragic story. Good one. I'll tell you when I'm not playing SWBF2 on the cpu next to me

[Cobra_Ikari]

I am well, Felix, and hopefully, so is the woman I love. ^_^

And you?

[Lerky]

tragic story. Good one. I'll tell you when I'm not playing SWBF2 on the cpu next to me

and now is that time:smallbiggrin:

although it's not a story to be doing :smallbiggrin: in the post we broke up a loooong time ago so I'm fine with it. Turns out she actually had crushes on 2 other guys and only dated me because I gave her gifts. Like I said tragic story, I lied about it being a good one though:smalltongue:

[Klose_the_Sith]

Plan your on now seems like a good one, but be wary of leaving your chance too late - if either of them like you they might grow disconnected from that in time and it could be too late. Happened to me, its a pain - make sure when you go for one that you only go for one, dont go for the other one if it doesnt work out, y'kno? You dont want to end up feeling like you got second best.

The plan was developed partially because I'm developing new callouses and they currently freak people out. Who should I pursue though? WHO?

[UserClone]

Ah, but that's the trick, isn't it, Serp? You don't have to get better on your own, you have folks like me, for example, who can relate to NOT really wanting to choke them to death simultaneously in front of one another so that they can watch one another suffer...but still giving it some thought.:smallbiggrin: Honestly, as trite as it may sound, it WILL get better.

...Just give me a moment to raise money for those tickets to Australia, k?:smallwink:

[Serpentine]

I'm waiting! :smallsigh:
I'm going away tonight to see my highschool beau. He is someone I know really really cares about me, his parents are ridiculously mothering, and his friends are people I don't know yet. Hopefully it'll all help... Still gotta tell Ex I'm going, though, and to feed my cat =/

[Klose_the_Sith]

...Just give me a moment to raise money for those tickets to Australia, k?:smallwink:

I'll take you to an AFL game if you choose the right time of year!

[UserClone]

REALLY? That would be SWEET!!:smallbiggrin: What is the right time of year? (whoops, my newb is showing.):smallredface:

[Felixaar]

Klose, this aint stictly RWA but that had BETTER be a North Melbourne game. I kid, I kid, who do you support? If it's Crows or Saints, start running. Also, sweet news on the callouses. Callouses are sexy, I have big ones on my feet, where are yours? And as far as which one to pursue, I got nothing man. If you're really stumped you could go with the prettiest one (I kid ladies, dont hurt me!) but better to just work out which one you like best. Or you could do what my friend Michael always wanted to do to settle any arguement, including those among guys - Make Out Contest. Yeah, we never paid much attention to him. Whichever you pick, pick well, and good luck.

Serp, hope it goes well and dont forget to feed that cute kitty of yours. I know I dont really have to warn you much but be careful of doing anything impulsive.

Cobes, I'm excellent buddy. I was actually wondering how your lady was going, or if that was still going... glad to hear as much.

Lerky, thats a shame mate but atleast you seem to be handling it will, good work. Do let me know if you wanna talk more about it tho.

CEG, ah, the awkwardness, thats always the way innit? I wouldn't worry about it too much mate, I'm still pretty good friends with several girls I - poorly - attempted to ask out and was rejected by, it's the ones you break up with that dont usually make as good a friends afterwards. Dont get me wrong you can still be good friends, just not as good as you were before.

My advice on asking chicks out... obviously getting her on her own is a start, and their are several routes of doing this. You could try inviting her over to your place, and while this is good cause if she comes you atleast know she has some measure of trust in you, it could also be bad if she says no cause then it can be kind of awkward if it gets pulled off badly. Rather, I'd reccomend having a get together with a group of friends and trying to get her off on her own. Asking her if you can talk in private in front of a bunch of people is a pretty big deal, it shows alot of courage.

Now, best times are at night, outdoors, preferably where you can see the stars (it worked for me!) Going for a walk together is a good idea. Talk to her a bit first, make sure she feels comfortable around you. Also I good idea, before you go for the big moment, is to ask her to let you finish what you're saying before she answers, cause you might say "I want to go out with you but I want you to know I still want to be your friend no matter what."

If like me you're pretty hopeless with these things (I nearly tripped over the log we sat down on, and I once came close to fainting when asking a girl out), you could try via text messages or a letter.

Well, at any rate best of luck man.

[Klose_the_Sith]

Klose, this aint stictly RWA but that had BETTER be a North Melbourne game. I kid, I kid, who do you support? If it's Crows or Saints, start running. Also, sweet news on the callouses. Callouses are sexy, I have big ones on my feet, where are yours? And as far as which one to pursue, I got nothing man. If you're really stumped you could go with the prettiest one (I kid ladies, dont hurt me!) but better to just work out which one you like best. Or you could do what my friend Michael always wanted to do to settle any arguement, including those among guys - Make Out Contest. Yeah, we never paid much attention to him. Whichever you pick, pick well, and good luck.


I've been a Cats fan all my life, member for the last 7 or so years. My callouses are from playing bass gutiar and forming on my fingertips.

The problem is, the only aspect I can really judge them on equally is who's hotter, because I don't actually know one of them.


REALLY? That would be SWEET!!:smallbiggrin: What is the right time of year? (whoops, my newb is showing.):smallredface:

If you can't make it down this September then you should wait until next year in September. The finals are in September and those are the games that you want to go to. Even if I have to travel to go to finals games ...

[Felixaar]

You know what would be totally awesome? An aussie play ground meet up that included - optionally - a football game.

I suppose we can still be friends if your a cats suporter :smallamused: they're in the list of teams that I'm cool with it if they win (so long as its not against the Roo's, mind you). FYI I'm not really as pedantic about AFL as I act, I really couldnt care less, but it's a fun joke (like when I told my Science Teacher I wasnt paying attention cause she supports St. Kilda).

Also, points on the callouses :smallbiggrin: coolness.

Now, so that we're actually sticking on topic, I'd say that if you dont really know one of them then, well, you should get to know her! It's obviously not a really good idea to ask a girl out who you dont know at all (except on Valentines Day (assuming theres no boyfriend in sight)). If that isnt going to work for whatever reason I'd have to say go for the one you actually know, assuming you do like her to some degree.

So... advice for me plz? I haven't heard from Rachel in ages. Maybe once in the last month and a bit. I know she's busy with school and with boarding and is 'trying to give me some space' on my trip. I trust her and such, but I guess I worry because I dont really want any space, from her atleast.

Thoughts?

[Syka]

Maybe send her an email or some such and let her know you enjoy hearing from her. If she still doesn't get the hint, let her know you'd like more correspondence. :0

Cheers~

[Felixaar]

only problem with that is that I've done that... alot. well, not in those specific words but I write her, both email and letter, often, and always make a point of missing her. And the thing is I dont want to get clingy and pushy either, I mean she technically is just my friend, after all.

Also, hi Sykes! Haven't seen you in ages :smallsmile:

[Klose_the_Sith]

You know what would be totally awesome? An aussie play ground meet up that included - optionally - a football game.

I suppose we can still be friends if your a cats suporter :smallamused: they're in the list of teams that I'm cool with it if they win (so long as its not against the Roo's, mind you). FYI I'm not really as pedantic about AFL as I act, I really couldnt care less, but it's a fun joke (like when I told my Science Teacher I wasnt paying attention cause she supports St. Kilda).

Also, points on the callouses :smallbiggrin: coolness.

Now, so that we're actually sticking on topic, I'd say that if you dont really know one of them then, well, you should get to know her! It's obviously not a really good idea to ask a girl out who you dont know at all (except on Valentines Day (assuming theres no boyfriend in sight)). If that isnt going to work for whatever reason I'd have to say go for the one you actually know, assuming you do like her to some degree.

So... advice for me plz? I haven't heard from Rachel in ages. Maybe once in the last month and a bit. I know she's busy with school and with boarding and is 'trying to give me some space' on my trip. I trust her and such, but I guess I worry because I dont really want any space, from her atleast.

Thoughts?

That would be awesome, provided that we were playing not watching. I'll bring the Football, it was used in a 50 person game of kick to kick in the wake of our 2007 Grand Final Victory and has an ink smudge where Selwood once tried to sign it.

I don't really mind North Melbourne, so long as they've stopped trying to invade my beloved hometown and have accepted that they are North Melbourne.

The problem is that the only place I know I'll find her is the bus and I can't really talk to her on my bus there are some people there who would ... well it couldn't be done.

The best advice I've ever given is "Try not to do something crazy". If applicable, make use.

[alchemyprime]

I put this in the LGBT thread, but I thought it could be vaguely relevant here and/or obtain a more unbiased sample pool?

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h287/serpentine16/sexuality.gif


Put me around... 18,6. That's assuming X,Y here, of course.

Oh, and Syka, the brownie offer I gave to Serpentine goes forward to you too.

[Klose_the_Sith]

Ex: I'd say, do put the effort in, and don't be too critical of this guy in front of her - after all, if you insult him, you're insulting her taste.

I put this in the LGBT thread, but I thought it could be vaguely relevant here and/or obtain a more unbiased sample pool?

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h287/serpentine16/sexuality.gif

I'd be at X12 Y7

[happyturtle]

X18 Y4

(Mr Happyturtle likes this about me. :smalltongue:)

[The Rose Dragon]

X13 Y1 for me.

While we prefer ladies, ultimately we just wanna get laid.

[Logic]

While X is pretty easy to quantify (18) my position on the Y axis changes, fairly frequently. Right now, I would saw I am hovering around 3.

[reorith]

i found nude photos of my girlfriend on a message /b/oard. i'm not really sure how to feel about this. i checked the exif data and they were from a week or so ago. :smallconfused: any advice would be appreciated.

[TFT]

I think I'm (15,5) on the chart.

[Cobra_Ikari]

i found nude photos of my girlfriend on a message /b/oard. i'm not really sure how to feel about this. i checked the exif data and they were from a week or so ago. :smallconfused: any advice would be appreciated.

...pray it's an ex boyfriend who just decided recently to be vengeful? I'm afraid I've got nothing, man. *huggles*

[Serpentine]

Just wanted to drop by with an "I'm much better at the moment, for now, here's hoping it lasts" and an "I have the bestest, sweetestest ex eva" :smallsmile: Thanks to all.

On the chart: Not at home at the moment, but I'll add everyone when I get back.

[evisiron]

i found nude photos of my girlfriend on a message /b/oard. i'm not really sure how to feel about this. i checked the exif data and they were from a week or so ago. :smallconfused: any advice would be appreciated.

I guess it really depends on where they came from. It might be a good idea to ask/tell her about it. If she put them there, at least she knows you know. If it was someone else, I think she would want to know about it.

[SilentNight]

X:Probably around 13 or 14, I really don't know. Y:Usually not so much but recently has probably gone up to a 4 or 5.

EDIT: I'm actually kind of confused about the X axis. Does a large number indicate that you are straight but insecure in it and a lower higher (if that makes sense) number mean you are more secure?

[AKA_Bait]

I guess it really depends on where they came from. It might be a good idea to ask/tell her about it. If she put them there, at least she knows you know. If it was someone else, I think she would want to know about it.

Yeah. This is the way to go. As with most things in relationships that you find disturbing, talk to them about it. If it's a really big issue it will resolve itself or the relationship will end but keeping it secret helps no one.


BTW I'm about an 19x, 4y on that chart I guess.

[Felixaar]

Klose, that sounds even better actually, though we should keep in mind that as internet nerds it'll be a pretty casual game. There's also the fact that I once kicked a football directly into my own face. Good times. Question, if the two of you dont really talk at all, what makes you think she likes you? And I really hope that when you say "try not to do something crazy" is the best advice you ever gave, then I really hope it's the only advice you ever gave cause I gotta say, its one of the worst I've ever heard. Do you think the chick goes for the guy who says "I love you," or the guy who stands up on a table, grabs a megaphone (it's not just A megaphone, it's a Rapmaster 2000), and shouts out "I LOVE YOU!"? Point is that being courageous is the key, if you really have feelings for a girl you shouldnt care what anyone thinks about it - though I'd say you shouldnt care what anyone thinks about you anyway, if people like you goodie for them, if they dont then they can get stuffed :smallsmile: thats how I live and I've got plenty of friends - board members among them - and they're all friends worth having. Ofcourse since you dont really know her I have to assume you dont like her enough to make a complete fool out of yourself, but it's still worth a try of sitting next to her and trying to open up a conversation about... something. It'll come to you, just talk about whatever you think, and go for it. Awkwardness can be endearing. Well, anyway, luck. (Oh, and I hope the Roo's settle down in North Melbourne too. I think by the way that we're NMFC instead of KAN this year, it's finally happenin'. Also, Geelong smells, no 'fense (I smell too)).

reorith, thats... odd. How did you find em exactly? I mean, is it a message board you hang on, a message board she hangs on, did you google her name etc... do you know if it was her or someone else putting em up, do you know the person who did... at any rate I go with the general concensus of telling her. Ofcourse this is easier said than done. It's kinda weird to sit down to a nice meal and then as she's taking a drink say "So, I found naked pictures of you on the internet." It's a good time wrecker on the scale of "So how do you know my wife?" "Oh, we had a conversation in the men's bathroom." (that's from a dream of mine. long story, but I - the dream me anyway - come out pretty good, I think) so theres a few ideas, you could tell her anonymously, like through an anonymous email, or get someone else to tell her, or just give it the old "we have to talk" and show her. The question of how you found them is bound to come up so make sure you know what your saying... and be kind, cause if its without her prior knowledge, which I assume it is, then she's likely to be very pissed. Well, I hope it goes well man. I dont really know how I can wish someone best of luck on telling his girlfriend he found nude pictures of her on the internet, but, well, best of luck.

Serp, I am glad to hear that. *hugs*

Chartwise, I'm still confused by the ratings. I'm straight 100% but not a homophobe, and with sexual activities... well it's kinda weird. See like most teenage guy's I've got my hormones and stuff, but like in every other facet of my life I just cant enjoy myself if the people around me arent enjoying themselves. You can beat me with chains for thousand years, if I can see that all the people I love are having a good time (beating me with chains, most likely :smallwink:), then it's gunna be a waste of your time, hunny (I don't know who I'm talking too here). Thus I know my purpose in life is to do whatever I can to help other people get by, but the thing is therefore in relationships I don't want to do anything, from holding hands to, as Syka once aptly put it, the horizontal tango, if the other person aint enjoying it. Unfortunately this is often mistaken for asexuality or worse, unwillingness to go for it (hence many repeat performances of "(insert real name here) is a frigid", ala' my eight grade class, the song with only one line). So yeah. I couldnt kiss Rache' without asking if it was okay first. I couldn't hug her the first time till she hugged me. And I couldn't hold her hand until I was so in the moment that exactly what I was doing was beyond my caring about. I've come along way on the road of confidence, but I've really only just begun... a premise I plan on correcting when I return :smallwink: So I guess maybe fifteen on gender, seven on activities... though really it's not the kind of thing I think you can express on a graph, because each person represented by their own letters has, like me, their own story and motives for this particular decision.

Well, anyway.

[happyturtle]

X:Probably around 13 or 14, I really don't know. Y:Usually not so much but recently has probably gone up to a 4 or 5.

EDIT: I'm actually kind of confused about the X axis. Does a large number indicate that you are straight but insecure in it and a lower higher (if that makes sense) number mean you are more secure?

Why should it mean that? Some people are hard-wired straight, just as some are hard-wired gay. I've kissed one girl, and enjoyed it, but that was more of an individual thing. I was in love with the person, and the person happened to be wearing a female body. I wouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed if I did develop another girl crush at some point, but I don't really foresee it happening.

Boys though... I can crush on a man that I've just exchanged two words with. I look at men with different shaped bodies and wonder what they're like in bed. I stare at men's hands and men's legs and men's lips. Girls.... eh. I sometimes acknowledge that a girl is aesthically interesting, but that doesn't arouse me, any more than I get aroused at the art museum.

[Klose_the_Sith]

Klose, that sounds even better actually, though we should keep in mind that as internet nerds it'll be a pretty casual game. There's also the fact that I once kicked a football directly into my own face. Good times. Question, if the two of you dont really talk at all, what makes you think she likes you? And I really hope that when you say "try not to do something crazy" is the best advice you ever gave, then I really hope it's the only advice you ever gave cause I gotta say, its one of the worst I've ever heard. Do you think the chick goes for the guy who says "I love you," or the guy who stands up on a table, grabs a megaphone (it's not just A megaphone, it's a Rapmaster 2000), and shouts out "I LOVE YOU!"? Point is that being courageous is the key, if you really have feelings for a girl you shouldnt care what anyone thinks about it - though I'd say you shouldnt care what anyone thinks about you anyway, if people like you goodie for them, if they dont then they can get stuffed :smallsmile: thats how I live and I've got plenty of friends - board members among them - and they're all friends worth having. Ofcourse since you dont really know her I have to assume you dont like her enough to make a complete fool out of yourself, but it's still worth a try of sitting next to her and trying to open up a conversation about... something. It'll come to you, just talk about whatever you think, and go for it. Awkwardness can be endearing. Well, anyway, luck. (Oh, and I hope the Roo's settle down in North Melbourne too. I think by the way that we're NMFC instead of KAN this year, it's finally happenin'. Also, Geelong smells, no 'fense (I smell too)).

Heck yes, awesomeness AFL game FTW. I know a total of two Playgrounders (both barely active) IRL so it'd be nice to meet some more.

I ... have a very strange bus situation ... I just need you to know that a)she likes me and b) I can't start a conversation with her ... I just can't.

Don't diss that advice, it got three people through internal angst and my friends relationship back on track for another month. Doing crazy things never works out. As the craziest person at my school I should know, look at how lonely I am.

With that kind of an attitude you must be in Smelbourne, there are traces of that land fill even down here in the ACT.

[Felixaar]

Yes, crazy things never work out... tell that to the guy who travels around the world on his own at the age of sixteen for six and a half months :smallwink: I wont push the issue but thinking that your lonely cause you do crazy things - well, it may be right, but if you stop doing crazy things you might get a bunch of friends who are absolutely useless. Trust me, the only friends worth a damn are the ones who like you for being you, so I guess, if crazy things arent your game dont do them, but if they are, then do.

Bus situation sounds awkward. Wanna PM about it?

[Pyrian]

Really, the effects of doing crazy things depends more on the nature of the acts than the craziness. There are crazy acts that will fascinate people, inspire people, and potentially draw curiosity and even respect. There are other crazy acts that will repulse, disturb, and offend. There's even a fair amount of overlap. But "crazy" in itself just isn't specific enough. :smallwink:

[Zeb The Troll]

@Felix - Don't you have a train to catch? :smallcool:

[Klose_the_Sith]

Yes, crazy things never work out... tell that to the guy who travels around the world on his own at the age of sixteen for six and a half months :smallwink: I wont push the issue but thinking that your lonely cause you do crazy things - well, it may be right, but if you stop doing crazy things you might get a bunch of friends who are absolutely useless. Trust me, the only friends worth a damn are the ones who like you for being you, so I guess, if crazy things arent your game dont do them, but if they are, then do.

Bus situation sounds awkward. Wanna PM about it?

Granted, but in any situation where care is required don't do any crazy things except for rare situations.

I ... can't ... still far too self conscious to even tell anyone.
She says ...
DON'T LOOK AT ME

[Serpentine]

EDIT: I'm actually kind of confused about the X axis. Does a large number indicate that you are straight but insecure in it and a lower higher (if that makes sense) number mean you are more secure?The X-axis indicates your preference for gender. A 1 is completely, utterly, and solely even capable of being attracted to someone of the same sex/gender. A 20 is completely, utterly and solely even capable of being attracted to someone of the same sex/gender. Further discussions have taken place elsewhere, but that's the basic of it. Keep in mind that 1s and 20s are the extremes, what I suggested with this axis to be revulsion at the very thought of doing or feeling anything at all with/for someone of the same/opposite sex.

What, you throw up on your lady-friend every time you're on the bus? Can't be that bad... g'orn, prove me wrong :smallwink:

[Klose_the_Sith]

What, you throw up on your lady-friend every time you're on the bus? Can't be that bad... g'orn, prove me wrong :smallwink:

Don't you even think of trying that tactic. I can't and it can't and thats just it. It can't, okay? It can't be done!

[Serpentine]

Alright alright, I didn't mean to be pushy. It's up to you. Just know that there's a bunch of us who're willing to listen when you want to talk, 'kay? And I'm non-judgemental to the point of being wishy-washy and/or morally suspect.

[UserClone]

Wait, Klose: Do YOU like HER as well?

[Klose_the_Sith]

Wait, Klose: Do YOU like HER as well?

Yes, yes I does.


Alright alright, I didn't mean to be pushy. It's up to you. Just know that there's a bunch of us who're willing to listen when you want to talk, 'kay? And I'm non-judgemental to the point of being wishy-washy and/or morally suspect.

He he he he ... no.

There are some things I cannot do, and tell the Playground, or any member of it about this is one of those things.

[UserClone]

My advice is to question yourself thoroughly as to why you can't seem to talk to her, even when (and how do you know that) SHE is into YOU as well.

Few men get that kind of assurance from the get-go, in fact I am jealous. Also, FunFact: Statistically, successful conversations most often start with the guy greeting the girl with the word "Hi." So you have your opening line, and it's a classic! PLEASE, for all the guys on here who never get this type of opportunity, just TRY to say hi.

Best Wishes,
~Joe

[Midnight Son]

My advice is to question yourself thoroughly as to why you can't seem to talk to her, even when (and how do you know that) SHE is into YOU as well.

Few men get that kind of assurance from the get-go, in fact I am jealous. Also, FunFact: Statistically, successful conversations most often start with the guy greeting the girl with the word "Hi." So you have your opening line, and it's a classic! PLEASE, for all the guys on here who never get this type of opportunity, just TRY to say hi.

Best Wishes,
~Joe
Add, "How are you today?" and "Watcha doin'?" for further bonuses. Then talk about her if she still doesn't become verbose.

Sidenote: When talking about her, do not talk about her breasts(unless she brings up the topic), even if they are the most prominently displayed part on her body.

Sidenote 2: If they are "on display" and have a tattoo, it is okay to discuss the tattoo.

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/incognito.gif

[Foeofthelance]

Add, "How are you today?" and "Watcha doin'?" for further bonuses. Then talk about her if she still doesn't become verbose.

Hmm, be a little careful with this. If it seems like you have too much information about her, you may come off as a stalker. Lead with a compliment, try a few conversation starters, and if doesn't work, walk away to try again later. I;ve seen way too many people try too hard right off the bat, and it has a tendency to scare people away.

My suggestion? Be yourself. If you're having a hard time working up the courage, flick yourself in the forehead everytime you tell yourself "No." At best you'll eventually find the courage, at worst she'll notice and wander over to find out why you keep flicking yourself in the forehead. For the record, this is from experience...

[Felixaar]

Don't you even think of trying that tactic. I can't and it can't and thats just it. It can't, okay? It can't be done!

Ah, the word! :smallfurious:

Well, whatever you see fit man, and though you've said you can't talk about it my PM box is always open, and I'm a very confidential person :smallsmile: but, if not, then still the best of luck my friend.

I will say this though, it's a bad idea to outright say that you can't do something or anything, really. It's just not a good word.

[Zeb The Troll]

Heh, reading that sounds so much different now that I have a face and a voice to put with it.

[Cleverdan22]

I've known a girl for about half a year now, and she's a class above me in high school. She has become one of my good friends now. I see her every week over summer even when school is out because of anime club. Also, I've had strong feelings for her since we met, about a month after school started. But I haven't told her that, and I can't bring myself to do it either. She broke up with her last boyfriend right around the time school was out, and I don't know if either of them plans to get back together. And to make matters more complicated, her ex and I became good friends over the last school year, and even if she did say yes, it would probably be awkward around me and the other guy.

Arrrghh....I wish I had more courage...(:belkar:: And I need a heart! :elan:: And I need a brain! :roy:: And I want to go home, I mean, live again!)

[Copacetic]

I've known a girl for about half a year now, and she's a class above me in high school. She has become one of my good friends now. I see her every week over summer even when school is out because of anime club. Also, I've had strong feelings for her since we met, about a month after school started. But I haven't told her that, and I can't bring myself to do it either. She broke up with her last boyfriend right around the time school was out, and I don't know if either of them plans to get back together. And to make matters more complicated, her ex and I became good friends over the last school year, and even if she did say yes, it would probably be awkward around me and the other guy.

Arrrghh....I wish I had more courage...(:belkar:: And I need a heart! :elan:: And I need a brain! :roy:: And I want to go home, I mean, live again!)

Right, you have feelings for a girl, but know her ex as well. Well, High school is probably one of the more confusing parts of your life but what you need to realize is just work up the cojones to ask her out. If she says no, your life isn't broken and shattered. If she says yes, more power to you.

[Felixaar]

My advice on asking chicks out... obviously getting her on her own is a start, and their are several routes of doing this. You could try inviting her over to your place, and while this is good cause if she comes you atleast know she has some measure of trust in you, it could also be bad if she says no cause then it can be kind of awkward if it gets pulled off badly. Rather, I'd reccomend having a get together with a group of friends and trying to get her off on her own. Asking her if you can talk in private in front of a bunch of people is a pretty big deal, it shows alot of courage.

Now, best times are at night, outdoors, preferably where you can see the stars (it worked for me!) Going for a walk together is a good idea. Talk to her a bit first, make sure she feels comfortable around you. Also I good idea, before you go for the big moment, is to ask her to let you finish what you're saying before she answers, cause you might say "I want to go out with you but I want you to know I still want to be your friend no matter what."

If like me you're pretty hopeless with these things (I nearly tripped over the log we sat down on, and I once came close to fainting when asking a girl out), you could try via text messages or a letter.

There was also one we discussed a thread or two back which a pair of the most lovely ladies to grace this thread - I referr ofcourse to DR and Serp (though Sykes is pretty lovely too) - actually thought was, well, humourous if nothing else.

The idea was to set your phone to go off at some point while you were talking to the girl in question - preferably just the two of you, and for some reason I always pictured doing this while walking.

G-"Whats that?"

B-"Just my phone reminder, I'm supposed to remember to ask you out today."

Well hey, it's worth a try, innit?

as for getting up the courage, the key is to not spend so much time thinking about it, or better yet, dont think about it at all. You can plan a little if you want so long as you adamantly say to yourself "I'm gunna do this, regardless of fear". After all, it's not like they drag you in front of a firing squad cause she said no (though it can feel like that). The answer really is that when you think of doing something just DO IT! It's hard but once you do it once it'll get easier each time.

Cheers and Best of Luck

[Klose_the_Sith]

My advice is to question yourself thoroughly as to why you can't seem to talk to her, even when (and how do you know that) SHE is into YOU as well.

Few men get that kind of assurance from the get-go, in fact I am jealous. Also, FunFact: Statistically, successful conversations most often start with the guy greeting the girl with the word "Hi." So you have your opening line, and it's a classic! PLEASE, for all the guys on here who never get this type of opportunity, just TRY to say hi.

Best Wishes,
~Joe

Ooh, questioning myself. Not like I do that every waking moment or anything :smalltongue:

Well then maybe we should explore your jealousy, I'm waiting for the ... right moment. Thats it.


Ah, the word! :smallfurious:

Well, whatever you see fit man, and though you've said you can't talk about it my PM box is always open, and I'm a very confidential person :smallsmile: but, if not, then still the best of luck my friend.

I will say this though, it's a bad idea to outright say that you can't do something or anything, really. It's just not a good word.

I suppose you make some sense, but I'm just like this. I can't handle these sorts of things.

[Felixaar]

you used the word again :smallwink:

[Klose_the_Sith]

you used the word again :smallwink:

A great tragedy, truly. I'm afraid that I am just unable to act at this stage. Partly through everything, but my cold makes another convenient excuse.

[BizzaroStormy]

I've got a bit of an issue. I've got a thing for the girl in my D&D group but many things are preventing it from becoming anything more. For instance, 2 of the people in my group aren't so much touchy-feely with her as they are gropey. (last session I counted at least 9 gropes), i've heard she's seeing someone but since she never says anything about him I kind of doubt it. I think the biggest blockade is the fact that I don't have the confidence to make the first move. I value her as a friend and I don't want to risk pissing her off and/or creeping her out like the last girl that played with us.

[AKA_Bait]

I've got a bit of an issue. I've got a thing for the girl in my D&D group but many things are preventing it from becoming anything more. For instance, 2 of the people in my group aren't so much touchy-feely with her as they are gropey. (last session I counted at least 9 gropes), i've heard she's seeing someone but since she never says anything about him I kind of doubt it. I think the biggest blockade is the fact that I don't have the confidence to make the first move. I value her as a friend and I don't want to risk pissing her off and/or creeping her out like the last girl that played with us.

Well, first thing I'd say is this: how bothered are you by the groping? Does the groping bother her or does she have fun with/enjoy it?

This is kind of an important concern, at least where I'm coming from, because even if you do manage to get something going with the young lady, that kind of behaviour isn't likley to stop if it's something she just does. If it's also something that really bothers you, then I'd suggest finding another focus for your attentions. In the long run, you'll be better off.

[Felixaar]

Yeah, thats pretty much what I'd agree with. Do the two of you catch up much outside the DnD session? Or talk by yourselves at all?

[alchemyprime]

... Change that to 18, 4 or 5 for me. I wrote that while in a funk.

Yes. The worst funk put me at about an 8y.

And listening to funk gets me out of funks, somehow. :smallconfused:

Oh, and PirateJesus: Just go for it. Thinking works for some big decisions. Action works for others. Blurt out your feelings if need be.

Hey, I finally knew something from all of my crushing defeats!

Yes, the meek shall inherit the earth. But meek isn't nessacarily not using your abilities. It's not abusing them. And this is a scenario where you need to use what you have. Be funny or witty or just plain nice. But you should let her know.

Cause trust me. I've been in exactly your seat too many times to count. Darn ginger girls... they are one of my many weaknesses. So try to turn your weakness into a strength.

Do something funny first. Like after you admit it, roll a d20 and don't show her the roll. Make it a high number and claim you succeeded a Charisma check.

Sadly, that has gotten me a date before... as has Guitar Hero... hmm... consider Guitar Hero as another good tool.

I hope this helped, PirateJesus!

[InABanana]

I've got a bit of an issue. I've got a thing for the girl in my D&D group but many things are preventing it from becoming anything more. For instance, 2 of the people in my group aren't so much touchy-feely with her as they are gropey. (last session I counted at least 9 gropes), i've heard she's seeing someone but since she never says anything about him I kind of doubt it. I think the biggest blockade is the fact that I don't have the confidence to make the first move. I value her as a friend and I don't want to risk pissing her off and/or creeping her out like the last girl that played with us.

Start simple. Tell her she's cool and you'd like to get to know her better or something. Then ask for her e-mail or MSN or what not. Then as you become closer friends take her out for coffee or just hang. That's how i would do it.

[Felixaar]

I second more or less everything Alchemy Prime says.

[Klose_the_Sith]

I second more or less everything Alchemy Prime says.

You scare me.

[Executor]

Well **** it, here I thought Angeliki was starting to move towards me... and then my friend Alex called and told me that he saw her at a party, sitting on the lap and snogging the living daylights out of some MEATBAG! Now, I know the meatbag she was snogging, I can't compete for all my niceness and gentlemanliness and all that, I can't. Because this meatbag has a six-pack you could play washboard on and biceps bigger than my head. And I know I can't compete when I look like this:

http://img527.imageshack.us/img527/2685/selfpotrait3nf2.jpg

And the other meatbag looks like this:

http://photos-094.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sf2p/v240/240/59/774881094/n774881094_804107_9849.jpg
(picture ripped from Meatbag's facebook)

****ing pretty-boy :smallmad: And before anyone says that maybe Angeliki won't be that shallow: I already know that she will be that shallow. Because, for all her wonderful, wonderful traits, for all those reasons that I care for her so dearly, she's still a teenaged girl. I've had five or six of these creatures as girlfriends and all of them dropped me for someone prettier with bigger muscles.

**** it.

[Serpentine]

Heheh... Meatbag :smallamused:
<.<

Looks: Meh. In those pictures, he looks like a 14-year-old trying to look tuff, and you look like... a nice young man who maybe needs to try to be a bit more adventurous. I don't know why, and I don't think it's just the uniform, but for some reason you look like you'd be the sort of guy who'd just wear one or two different sorts of fairly bland outfits and that's it and then maybe wonder why noone ever takes any notice of you... Probably not very fair at all, sorry =/ But you're certainly not ugly or anything... I do recommend that everyone get themselves at least one outfit they can strut in, though.
I can't remember the background to this story, only that you've posted here before, so I can't offer too much detailed advice. However, as you said, she's a teenage girl. *shrug* Can't see what guys see in them, personally. She'll grow up, and/or you'll have your chance eventually if you keep an eye out for opportunities (or less cynically, be a better person than all those so-called "pretty-boys" and be there for you when you need her, no strings, expectations or ulterior motives attached).

[Executor]

Well given than i'm 16, Serp, teenaged girls are really my only option, now aren't they? :smallwink:

Clothes: I pick out what I wear in the morning based on three factors. Practicality, Comfort, Looks. In that order. It's not that I dress ugly, god no, it's more that I just don't put a whole lot of importance on 'fashion'. Because i'll tell you what fashion is: It's a pack of foxhounds. And in every pack of foxhounds chasing a fox, there's one hound who has no sense of smell whatsover. He doesn't even know there is a fox. All he's doing is following *******s! And that's fashion, ladies and gentleman!

You think I need an outfit I can strut in? I do, it's called my uniform and i'm damn proud of that uniform!

[Thanatos 51-50]

Heh... Executor is a blueberry :-p

On a non-service-rivalry related note (Bloody Air Force: Coincidentally: British?)

Whats up with man you call meatbag? Looks more like "Prettyboy" to me.

If you want the tried-and-true* thanatos method, here it is:
Confrontation. Confront her about it. I, personally, don't expect much (Lack of background is a factor in this), but shes a teenaged girl, you're a teen-aged boy. Prettyboy-who-needs-a-grevious-facial-injury** is a teen-aged male.

You're tired of the adage, and we both know it, but "Plenty of other fish in the sea", if this doesn't turn out poisitivly.

* Method actually neither tried, nor true.

** I have... problems with prettyboys. I think "real men" need facial scarring. I have facial scarring, people who pluck 'n' primp annoy me to no end. Plus, he looks like a posuer Emo kid.

*** This IS thanatos typing. Invest in salt when reading his advice. Alot of salt.

Blueberry.

[Serpentine]

You think I need an outfit I can strut in? I do, it's called my uniform and i'm damn proud of that uniform!Fair enough, you do look pretty good in it. Not exactly something you're likely to wear down the street a lot, though, is it?
People disparage the idea of "fashion" as though wanting to look good or being attracted to attractive people somehow automatically makes you shallow, and therefore not caring about appearances makes you better than people who do. Actually, it just makes you less attractive than those people. The fact is, first impressions are important, and physical attraction matters. Furthermore, I at least feel good when I look good. If you feel good, it shows, in your carriage, your demeaner, your attitude. You become more attractive, above and beyond mere appearance. It's all well and good to be a good, deep person, but that's not much good if you don't attract anyone's eye, and you can still be a good, deep person while looking good. As for fashion trends: Bugger those. The only good thing about fashion trends is it means that there's new stuff in the stores for me to pick from and wear to death, long after the trends have moved on.

Annnnd here's an updated version of the graph. Should I start a new thread for it so I don't have to keep switching between these two?
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h287/serpentine16/sexuality.gif

[skywalker]

You think I need an outfit I can strut in? I do, it's called my uniform and i'm damn proud of that uniform!

Wear it every chance you get.

ROTC guys get all the girls, all the time.

Not sure about JROTC guys, but I know on my campus, ROTC guys are covered up.

I think "meatbag"'s picture is freakin' hilarious.

Alchemy, of course funk gets you out of funks. Especially funks that take you from a 4 to an 8 on that chart :smallwink:

[Thanatos 51-50]

On which Axis?

I think I'm definatly somewhere around (18,8.5)
*re-reads graph*
No, wait, closer to something like (18,6.5)

[Executor]

Hmph, well I talked to one of my female friends about my issue. I showed her that picture of the Meatbag. Her reaction? "Damn!"

...

That's not encouraging. I can't even just go down and fistfight him like most of my rivals. You know what he did for a parlour trick at that party where Angeliki was snogging him? He bench-pressed Angeliki.

...

That is also not encouraging.

EDIT: Also, one girl has called me "Too nice to date"... again with the not encouraging.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Hmph, well I talked to one of my female friends about my issue. I showed her that picture of the Meatbag. Her reaction? "Damn!"

...

That's not encouraging. I can't even just go down and fistfight him like most of my rivals. You know what he did for a parlour trick at that party where Angeliki was snogging him? He bench-pressed Angeliki.

...

That is also not encouraging.

EDIT: Also, one girl has called me "Too nice to date"... again with the not encouraging.

I thought you were already dating Female-in-question.
Its my experiance that lines like "Too nice to date" really mean "I'm just not interested in you romantically"

Sorry, man.
*Insert tired adage about fish and the sea here*

[zeratul]

EDIT: Also, one girl has called me "Too nice to date"... again with the not encouraging.

Sorry ya got that one man. From how I always see it used it's basically a bull**** type excuse people use when they don't want to date people but want to stay friends with them.

*hug* sorry bro

[Executor]

Oh no, Angeliki didn't call me too nice to date, some other gal I was talking to, a friend of mine who I was seeking advice from.

Unfortunately, I haven't gotten a chance to talk to Angeliki just yet. But I will, oh ho I will :smallannoyed:

[skywalker]

That's not encouraging. I can't even just go down and fistfight him like most of my rivals. You know what he did for a parlour trick at that party where Angeliki was snogging him? He bench-pressed Angeliki. How big is she?

That aside, size matters not. Do or do not, there is no try.

In other words, it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Unless this guy's an @$$-kicker. Then all previous advice does not apply. Please note, the ability to bench-press a girl does not an @$$-kicker make.

[Castaras]

Because, for all her wonderful, wonderful traits, for all those reasons that I care for her so dearly, she's still a teenaged girl. I've had five or six of these creatures as girlfriends and all of them dropped me for someone prettier with bigger muscles.


I feel offended here...

[Executor]

I apologize Castaras, but that has been my experience with your kind.

[Castaras]

Heh, 'tis okay.

I know how they are. Most of the girls round where I live are like that, sadly.

You just gotta go search within the various groups. There are teenage girls who aren't shallow. I'm friends with quite a few of them. =) We're few and far in between...but we're there.

[Kalessin]

Türaputsivittu! Sukanahuipljat! (those who understand, please, be offended)

OK, I mostly write this post to vent, because I have come to grips with myself... except for the cursing in non-English languages.

I really :elan::LIKE-liked this girl. And the feelings seemed to be mutual. But as we both are unconfident people (at least, I am) we decided to have a half friendship, half relationship or something like that. But today (over MSN, btw) she tells me that she can't bear sitting next to me, as I want to kiss her, but she doesn't want that. That is, she doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore, but wants to be friends still. So it hurts.. quite bad... but as I like her as a person and would appreciate her as a friend. But maybe it's my pessimism, but I don't see us as friends, I don't see us doing stuff together as friends and so on. And I want advice about how to cope with the hurt (funny, it's starting to go away.. very slowly tho') and because I want to be friends with her, how to do that, so that the past wouldn't come between us.

Thanks in advance and sorry about the curses, just felt like doing it.

[Pyrian]

Hi Kalessin, I've had that sort of thing happen to me a lot. I tend to pursue women I'd want as friends, so I have rather a lot of friends whom I've at some point or another pursued. Interestingly, I find the quantity is in some sense a balm against getting too hung up on any individual female... And I tend to figure, the more friends-I-like I have, the higher the probability that one of them will eventually figure out what a great catch I'd be. :smallbiggrin:

Anyway, back to your situation, go ahead and be friends with the girl, but you need to put her aside as a romantic interest (at least for the time being!) and find someone else to pursue. Even if you don't get anywhere, just attempting to move on is, in my experience, the best way to get over such pain.

[Felixaar]

And I tend to figure, the more friends-I-like I have, the higher the probability that one of them will eventually be blind and deaf. :smallbiggrin:

Fixed it so it works for me.

Executor, I have to say that that uniform makes you look like a gigantic dork, the hat especially. But if you're proud of it... *shrugs*

Anyway. By the sounds of it Angeliki isn't worth your time. If she's impressed by some ***hole big muscles guy who, from his picture, is CLEARLY dealing with issues about his sexuality (I mean come on, look at him), then she's just not worth your time - as you say she is still a teenage girl and the problem is that MOST of the time, teenage girls can be absolutely vapid airheads (racial slurr not intended). Keep in mind I said most, as teenage girls on these boards seem to be prime examples of the opposite (lookin' at you, DR).

Anyway, move on, find a girl with some brains. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

Kalessin, I've got to agree with Pyrian. Theres not really alot of point in constantly trying to pursue her and it's really just going to dig the knife deeper if you do - move on and find someone else. You can still be friends with her now, even if it takes time to get back to the way things were. Well, anyway, best of luck.

[Executor]

Felixaar: Well it's not as if I wear the uniform every day, just to Cadet stuff of course. And let me just say that the ladies appreciate the uniform a lot more than you may think. :smallcool:

And don't worry about the harshness, I can appreciate some brutal honesty.

[Felixaar]

*shrug* you're probably right, the fact that I think that meatbag you posted the photo of is the epitome of... y'kno, those people that just every little feature of them screams "Punch me in the face"? and yet the girl you talked to was "oh, wow" about it sort of shows that I have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to attract a girl via looks.

Anyway, glad to see you're taking it well.

[Executor]

Oh trust me Felixaar, you're not the only one who wants to punch him the face :belkar: God, I just want to wipe that self-satisfied, smug little smirk from the Meatbag's face, and then just keep driving his face into my knee until it turns from this:

http://photos-094.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sf2p/v240/240/59/774881094/n774881094_804107_9849.jpg

to THIS!

http://sharyphoto.ca/socialevents/jean2BWLOW.jpg

See how much the girls love the 'bad boy' then :smallmad:

[Pyrian]

Fixed it so it works for me.:smalleek: Hahah, dude, have a heart! :smalltongue:

[Felixaar]

It was only a joke :smallwink:

Also thats an interesting plan Exec... I wouldn't try it in public though :smalltongue:

[Serpentine]

See how much the girls love the 'bad boy' then :smallmad:Dang. I was gonna quote myself with my opinion of this idea, but it's in my sig and this isn't my sig... When I get my stuff back, I'll do it. The gist is, it's probably not about him being "bad", but about him being confident, and confidence is sexy. And, like I said, superficial appearance does matter. If you're not willing to go to the effort, then you're not a lost cause but you are giving yourself a potentially crippling disadvantage. That guy really does look like a Teenage Try-Hard, though...

[Executor]

Oh come on, the bandana? :smalltongue:

You know, i'd like to think that, if a girl likes me, she likes me for more reasons than having flat abs and broad shoulders >.> I'd like to think there's more to a relationship than that. I mean, I have the looks to attract a girl, don't get me wrong. But it should be personality and chemistry that are more important than my 'sweet ass'.