Playground... I need help.

[Mr. Mud]

Do you guys have that one friend who is almost like family to you? You're BEST friend in the world? I've got mine and have been extremely close to him my entire life... Well... he:

Just revealed he is "gay" for me*... He... loves me but not sexually? :smallconfused:... is this like really strong friendship or something else? Either way I don't see him like he says he sees me... Or I don't think I do. Not what he is explaining...

:eek: What do I... do?

*I don't mean to offend anyone, just lack of better words.

Someone Please Help :frown:.

Sorry if this should be merged to Relationship Woes and Advice... didn't seem... right to put it there.

[Dryken]

Say you don't see him in that way and continue the friendship.

[Mr. Mud]

Say you don't see him in that way and continue the friendship.

Notttttttttt that simple.

[Dryken]

It is unless him being gay is a problem for you. In which case I would advise doing some research and getting a more open mind on things.

And hey, it could just mean that he loves you as a friend, which is not uncommon. I love a lot of my friends.

[Sneak]

I would try to talk things out. Sit down and have a discussion with him, and be honest. There's really not much you can do. If you really are that close to him, chances are he'll understand and place your friendship above his feelings for you, and things will work out.


Just revealed he is "gay" for me*... He... loves me but not sexually? ... is this like really strong friendship or something else? Either way I don't see him like he says he sees me... Or I don't think I do. Not what he is explaining...

Also...I'm a bit confused, though. He loves you, but not sexually? Couldn't that just mean he loves you like family or like a very good friend? Maybe I'm not understanding this right, and if you don't want to elaborate, that's fine. I can understand. It's just hard to help when I don't really understand what's going on.

[fraud]

Notttttttttt that simple.

why not? if he was your friend he'd understand. In fact I'm still friends with some of my exes. And yes I know that friend, my parents call him their "surrogate son"

[Mr. Mud]

:smallsigh:. No... you don't get it Dryken. And I don't blame you for that, I don't know how to explain it... And I have NOTHING against gays.

[Mr. Mud]

I would try to talk things out. Sit down and have a discussion with him, and be honest. There's really not much you can do. If you really are that close to him, chances are he'll understand and place your friendship above his feelings for you, and things will work out.



Also...I'm a bit confused, though. He loves you, but not sexually? Couldn't that just mean he loves you like family or like a very good friend? Maybe I'm not understanding this right, and if you don't want to elaborate, that's fine. I can understand. It's just hard to help when I don't really understand what's going on.

I would If I could sneak... the best I can do without hours of thought (which I'm about to do) is somewhere in between lover and bestfriend/brother...

[fraud]

I fully understand. If it were me I would...tell him I don't feel about him that way, be honest, and tell him that he should work hard to meet new people. Just tell him what you feel

[RabbitHoleLost]

I understand that this is confusing and conflicting for you, and you are afraid of losing your friend.

However, let me simply state that you should talk to him about what he had really meant. And, if he really does have romantic feelings for you, that it is that simple.
Tell him that you care a lot about him, but you cannot return those feelings, and you hope he understands that.

[Dryken]

:smallsigh:. No... you don't get it Dryken. And I don't blame you for that, I don't know how to explain it... And I have NOTHING against gays.

What is it I'm not getting?

[Mr. Mud]

Thats what I'm doing... this is so damn hard though... he's like the closest person in the world to me. :smalleek:

I hope this blows over...

[Mr. Mud]

What is it I'm not getting?

He's like my other half... Like I dont know who I'd turn to without him... and If I cant do that anymore... I dont know. I just dont know.

Its alot more complicated that I can explain Dry. Thanks for trying though... :smallfrown:.

[Sneak]

I'm guessing he's the person you'd normally go to to talk about this kind of thing? It's gotta be really tough (understatements ftw). Good luck, and I hope it all works out for you. And I think it will, eventually, although it's gonna be hard at first (again, an understatement).

If you need any more advice, just ask. I'll be the first to admit that I know nothing about this kind of situation, but I'm always happy to try to help.

[Cobra_Ikari]

So...he's your platonic soulmate, and he revealed that while he doesn't want to throw you on a bed and have wild smex with you, necessarily, he likes you as more than a friend? Or did I misread that?

[Dryken]

He's like my other half... Like I dont know who I'd turn to without him... and If I cant do that anymore... I dont know. I just dont know.

Its alot more complicated that I can explain Dry. Thanks for trying though... :smallfrown:.

It really isn't that complicated though! Do you not feel the same way he does? Do you still care for him as a friend? Then tell him that.

But anyways...best of luck with whatever happens.

[Mr. Mud]

It always will Sneak... Thanks for support all... I need it.

[Mr. Mud]

It really isn't that complicated though! Do you not feel the same way he does? Do you still care for him as a friend? Then tell him that.

But anyways...best of luck with whatever happens.

I have, but to no avail... all I think he can do is let it all out, cry his tears then let it go... And thats hard... almost impossible.

[Serpentine]

The way I figure it, as long as they don't expect anything of you anyone can feel however they like about you. I'm afraid that freaking out like this is likely to be rather crushing for him if he finds out about it =/

[Mr. Mud]

He won't... and if he does, he deserves to see it. I just don't know what will happen... Or what to say anymore... He knows I don't feel the same way and, is crushed...

*Sorry about the double posts.

[cabbagesquirrel]

Lol, I've approached this somewhat from the other way around.
I recently came out to some of my better friends, they all accepted it and such and thats what I had hoped because these are the guys that I've been through a lot with, we grew up together over the last decade and I feel closer to them than most of my family. That doesn't mean I want to sleep with any of them or love them that way jsut because I'm gay, it just means I love them, would do anything for them and care when they hurt.

I assume that is what your friend is trying to get at. Please talk to him though, it is very hard to tell someone you have known for ages that you are gay and he is probably just as freaked out at your response to his 'coming out' as you are to his comments.

[Mr. Mud]

Lol, I've approached this somewhat from the other way around.
I recently came out to some of my better friends, they all accepted it and such and thats what I had hoped because these are the guys that I've been through a lot with, we grew up together over the last decade and I feel closer to them than most of my family. That doesn't mean I want to sleep with any of them or love them that way jsut because I'm gay, it just means I love them, would do anything for them and care when they hurt.

I assume that is what your friend is trying to get at. Please talk to him though, it is very hard to tell someone you have known for ages that you are gay and he is probably just as freaked out at your response to his 'coming out' as you are to his comments.

Will do cabbage, I don't think he is "gay" for me in that sense though... sorta what you mean, but alot more so... Like being inbetween gay for me, and loving me liek a brother... like... no physical attraction, but alot of emotional? Sorta...

Wow this is harder than I thought it could ever be.

[Cobra_Ikari]

...so, basically, you're afraid of the word "love" coming to you from another man? This is sad. How old are you again?

Also, it seems to me you're one of those people who's fine with gay people...in theory. As in, it's cool until it's someone with a name, a face, a body. Then it infringes on your concept of the world you live in or something. Chill out, man. It's probably nothing serious, I doubt there's a way you could screw this up unless you either try or just do something stupid, like avoiding the guy. The first thing I'd suggest is actually talking more with said friend and actually figuring out what he meant, since it sounds like panic is making it so you have absolutely no clue what was said or what's going on.

Oh, and also...I thought it was "Oorah"? Tangent, yes, but that just...pokes at me for some reason.

[Sneak]

Will do cabbage, I don't think he is "gay" for me in that sense though... sorta what you mean, but alot more so... Like being inbetween gay for me, and loving me liek a brother... like... no physical attraction, but alot of emotional? Sorta...

Wow this is harder than I thought it could ever be.

I'm more confused now. If there's no physical attraction, then he doesn't want a relationship with you, does he? So what's the problem? He loves you? Don't you love him? Guy love can still just be guy love even if one of the guys happens to be gay.

[Ominous]

To be "gay" for someone, a man has to have a sexual attraction to another man. If he doesn't want to sleep with you, then he's not "gay" for you. He can still love you, though. It's called platonic love.

[Mr. Mud]

Its guy love I guess... but we feel it differently... not more or less, but differently... I think its guy love and him loving me in a sorta gay way aswell... He isn't making this very clear either, :smallfrown:.

[Dryken]

Could it be at all possible that he's just making his platonic love more known? I realize that guys never really like actually talking about their platonic love for one another. And since he came out (which he must really trust you to do that) to you, he probably feels more comfortable expressing himself emotionally around you. The guy-love could still be the same as it always was, he's just talking about it more.

Platonic love does exist between men and yes, even if one of them is gay. If he's not "gay for you" then don't worry about it.

And I'm sorry, this is such a little thing...but could you possibly change your title to just "Playground I need help"? As a queer gal, the title of the thread combined with the content inside kind of irks me (but that totally could just be me).

[Mr. Mud]

Platonic love does exist between men and yes, even if one of them is gay. If he's not "gay for you" then don't worry about it.

And I'm sorry, this is such a little thing...but could you possibly change your title to just "Playground I need help"? As a queer gal, the title of the thread combined with the content inside kind of irks me (but that totally could just be me).

Consider it done.

[Dryken]

thanks! And I just edited my above comment to include something. :P

[Mr. Mud]

Platonic love does exist between men and yes, even if one of them is gay. If he's not "gay for you" then don't worry about it.

And I'm sorry, this is such a little thing...but could you possibly change your title to just "Playground I need help"? As a queer gal, the title of the thread combined with the content inside kind of irks me (but that totally could just be me).

I think that could be right accurate Dryken... I'm suggest that to him... Thank you...

Thank you everyone.

[loopy]

Its guy love I guess... but we feel it differently... not more or less, but differently... I think its guy love and him loving me in a sorta gay way aswell... He isn't making this very clear either, :smallfrown:.

Well apparently those kind of platonic 'guy love' friendships were much more common back in Victorian times. I don't know exactly what changed, and I'm not entirely sure society is better off.

[randman22222]

Well, Platonic Love is what I was thinking, but I see it's already been talked about.

And yes, homophobia is so embraced by the current stupid society that Platonic Love gives people the squirms.

Oh well. Society can go themselves. Do you love him as well? And I mean Platonically.

EDIT:@V: That's... A way of putting it...

[cabbagesquirrel]

Just tell him you love him but that no body bits will be inserted into any hole whatsoever. Problem solved.

[Glyphic]

This isn't meant to be offensive in any way, but perhaps you can take some advice from Turk and J.D (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL4L4Uv5rf0)?

[Gorbash]

And yes, homophobia is so embraced by the current stupid society that Platonic Love gives people the squirms.

I'd freak out too if one of my best friends said that he was gay.

[randman22222]

Why's that?

And for the record, when one of mine told me, I was not freaked out. At all.

[The Rose Dragon]

One of my best friends is gay. It doesn't bother me at all. What does bother me is that he gets more nookie than I. :smalltongue:

[Gorbash]

Why's that?

Well, because the sole reason why I more value friendships with (straight) guys is because there isn't any sexual attracton that can get in the way. And when it turns out that there might be (I'm not saying that there will be, but the possibility still exists), it would make things awkward.

[Serpentine]

I'd freak out too if one of my best friends said that he was gay.I'd kinda suggest that that'd be a good start for the definition of "homophobic"...

[randman22222]

So all it takes is a possibility before you find it all awkward? Would this also mean you frown upon being friends with a woman?

And yes, that was what I was thinking, Serp.

[The Rose Dragon]

Hey, we homophobes find nothing wrong with having gay friends.

As long as they do nothing in front of us. Cause, ew.

[Kaelaroth]

I'd kinda suggest that that'd be a good start for the definition of "homophobic"...

*prepares the pitchforks*

You have to get the mob though, I'm sleepy. :smalltongue:

[Jibar]

Well seems I'm the opposite of ol' Gorby then, considering I'm friends with lots of females, and a couple gay men. As far as I'm concerned, sexual attraction is a plus in a friendship, since it means if you ever run out of conversation topics, you can always turn to shameless flirting. :smalltongue:
One of my friends ever came out to me... well, knowing some of the guys, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest. I've even labelled one of my friends as Ambigously Straight, since while he is a fan of da ladies, he just can't stop flirting with guys.
Me and my best friend are also very open about being heterosexual life partners. Neither of us our sexually attracted to one another, but our relationship goes further than being plain old friends. No topic is taboo between us too, and we're always prepared to incessently pick on and defend the other.
I have the same thing with pretty much all my friends actually, male and female. He's just special 'cos he has dreadlocks. :smalltongue:
And a third :smalltongue:, because stuff is better in threes.

[Calamity]

Well, because the sole reason why I more value friendships with (straight) guys is because there isn't any sexual attracton that can get in the way. And when it turns out that there might be (I'm not saying that there will be, but the possibility still exists), it would make things awkward.

That's highly unfair. I have a best friend who I have a platonic love for, but I'm not sexually attracted to him in anyway. If he freaks out when I tell him I'm bi, how do you think that would make me feel?

[MyrddinDerwydd]

So is your uber-friend actually gay or not? Or are you just thinking that he is because of this whole overly emotional pronouncement?

[Gorbash]

So all it takes is a possibility before you find it all awkward?

Yes. And it's not just that. Some things in that friendship will change then. For example, all of a sudden you can't talk about boobs. I know it's a stupid example, but I'm sure there're others.


Would this also mean you frown upon being friends with a woman?

No, I'm just saying that I have better friendships with guys than with girls.


Well seems I'm the opposite of ol' Gorby then, considering I'm friends with lots of females, and a couple gay men. As far as I'm concerned, sexual attraction is a plus in a friendship, since it means if you ever run out of conversation topics, you can always turn to shameless flirting.

And I agree on that one, in case with guys and girls... But in case of a straight guy and gay guy... :smalleek:

And you have to understand, since most of you here are from US, just because that's widely accepted in your country it doesn't mean that's the case with everywhere else. Because it's not.

[Kaelaroth]

Yes. And it's not just that. Some things in that friendship will change then. For example, all of a sudden you can't talk about boobs. I know it's a stupid example, but I'm sure there're others.

Actually, I can talk about boobs for a good long while. Other organs too. Now, I have more of a range.


No, I'm just saying that I have better friendships with guys than with girls.

But we nasty gays are mutants! Mutants, I tell you! Of neither sex! :smallyuk:


And you have to understand, since most of you here are from US, just because that's widely accepted in your country it doesn't mean that's the case with everywhere else. Because it's not.

It's not widely accepted anywhere. It's veiled. Here, in Britland, at least, some are tolerant, true. A lot aren't. I bet your friends, should any of them be gay, would want a friend to help them through this. Not one who'll panic. Or... do other stuff.

[The Rose Dragon]

Yes. And it's not just that. Some things in that friendship will change then. For example, all of a sudden you can't talk about boobs. I know it's a stupid example, but I'm sure there're others.

What? I'll go inform my very gay friend of that, cause we can't talk about girls anymore. Which is what we do half the time (the other half we talk about guys).


And you have to understand, since most of you here are from US, just because that's widely accepted in your country it doesn't mean that's the case with everywhere else. Because it's not.

I'm from Turkey. Where most LGBT societies are shut down due to concern for "moral health of general public". It's not widely accepted here. It's not widely accepted anywhere.


It's not widely accepted anywhere.

Sorry for stealing your line, Kael-buns.

[randman22222]

So all it takes is a possibility before you find it all awkward?
Yes.





Would this also mean you frown upon being friends with a woman?
No, I'm just saying that I have better friendships with guys than with girls.

Contradiction?

Anyway, if you see nothing wrong with being friends with a woman, but there's still a possibility of sexual interest, then it shouldn't be any different for a guy, regardless of how likely you are to be friends with them.

And since people don't just decide to be gay one day, or wake up gay, chances are if you have a friend who's not out yet, there's been a possibility all along. So what if that's one of your friends right now? There's always that possibility. Maybe it's best you didn't have friends, then. :smalleek:

And it's not widely accepted anywhere. There was a hate-killing of a gay in a middle school in California, I believe, just a couple weeks ago that made the news.

[Gorbash]

It's not widely accepted anywhere. It's veiled. Here, in Britland, at least, some are tolerant, true. A lot aren't. I bet your friends, should any of them be gay, would want a friend to help them through this. Not one who'll panic. Or... do other stuff.

I kinda find that hard to believe, since the first time I've ever seen or heard of a cross-dresser was when I visited US. Trans-people are unheard of here, yet there are a lot of them on this particular forum, which is mostly US. Public display of (gay) affection doesn't exist. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon West Village in DC. And none of the people I know are gay. South/East Europe tends to be way different than the rest of the world on that account.

[randman22222]

I kinda find that hard to believe, since the first time I've ever seen or heard of a cross-dresser was when I visited US. Trans-people are unheard of here, yet there are a lot of them on this particular forum, which is mostly US. Public display of (gay) affection doesn't exist. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon West Village in DC. And none of the people I know are gay. South/East Europe tends to be way different than the rest of the world on that account.

Oh? It's accepted west of where you live? I'm not saying that it's accepted where you are, but as for your claims of what goes on in the U.S,...

This article says otherwise.

"Prosecuting the Gay Teen Murder (http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1714214,00.html?xid=feed-cnn-topics)"

Don't even think it's accepted yet.

[Kaelaroth]

I kinda find that hard to believe

WHAT?!

I've been beaten up, laughed at, spat at, backed away from, cursed at, stolen from, hated, riled, loathed from homophobic scum. I've had the combinations to my lockers changed, been tripped as I walked along, had food thrown at me.

[Calamity]

I kinda find that hard to believe, since the first time I've ever seen or heard of a cross-dresser was when I visited US. Trans-people are unheard of here, yet there are a lot of them on this particular forum, which is mostly US. Public display of (gay) affection doesn't exist. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon West Village in DC. And none of the people I know are gay. South/East Europe tends to be way different than the rest of the world on that account.

Yes, because a village in the US is entirely representive of the Western world. :smallannoyed:

[Lord Herman]

Indeed. Even in the Netherlands, supposedly one of the most tolerant countries in the world, there's a lot of homophobia. The law may be very friendly to LBGT people (same-sex marriage and all that), but that doesn't mean the people are equally tolerant.

[Gorbash]

Oh? It's accepted west of where you live? I'm not saying that it's accepted where you are, but as for your claims of what goes on in the U.S,...

I'm saying it's accepted more in US than in Balkans.


Yes, because a village in the US is entirely representive of the Western world

I meant Washington DC and NYC. If those aren't the representatives of US, I don't know what is.


WHAT?!

I've been beaten up, laughed at, spat at, backed away from, cursed at, stolen from, hated, riled, loathed from homophobic scum. I've had the combinations to my lockers changed, been tripped as I walked along, had food thrown at me.

Ok then, I've been mistaken, it was just an impression I got since lots of people are discussing that freely ITP, which is not the case with forums around here...

[Calamity]

I meant Washington DC and NYC. If those aren't the representatives of US, I don't know what is.

Oh? But is the US a representive of the whole Western world? No.
I can tell you that the UK is a very different place, as is every country.

[Jibar]

Trans-people are unheard of here, yet there are a lot of them on this particular forum, which is mostly US.

Fun Fact: SMEE, our most prominant transsexual member lives in Brazil.
Don't assume that the West is huge on freedom. You'll find sexual discrimination to still be very much an issue. Just one that is more openly discussed.

I also now just what to give Kael a great big hug.

[Kaelaroth]

Fun Fact: SMEE, our most prominant transsexual member lives in Brazil.
Don't assume that the West is huge on freedom. You'll find sexual discrimination to still be very much an issue. Just one that is more openly discussed.

I also now just want to give Kael a great big hug.

Your hug is merrily accepted. *hugs back*

[rubakhin]

I know how this is.

So, my dear friend Ilya, Ilyusha, Ilyushenka. We're both into guys. We're both good-looking. (Ilya especially - he's done modeling work.) And he'll bed anything that'll hold still long enough. I know if I wanted to I could have him in a second. But, the thought of sleeping with him, dating him, doing anything romantic with him ... uh, I'd rather jump off a building.

Still. We address each other mostly as "brother," say "I love you" to each other. We've done things, trusted each other, in ways that don't exist for the other people in our lives. We've had these really intense conversations - in our Russian language, of course, so I can't really translate well - he said once,

"Have I told you how beautiful you are? More than just on the outside." And added, "We Russians are so dramatic." I said, "Haha. Yes, very dramatic. But no, you haven't. Tell me ... hold on, I need a Belomorkanal." Very casual like that. And he said something like - again, this is all in Russian, so it's difficult - "You are so [can't translate, something like "precious", but like how a jewel is precious, so with connections of being highly valued/useful and rare]. I love your eyes especially. They did not die completely. They speak. They tell stories, good and bad. They have a beautiful, strong, clear voice."

I told him, "Ilya, I would give you my blood."

(Then he said, "You had better be drunk or else this queer **** is unforgivable."

"Don't worry. I'm ****in' smashed."

"Cool. Let's go kill something!")

My boyfriend at the time complained a lot about Ilya's "googly-eyed hero worship" for me and said that people who are just friends don't talk about each other like that. He even accused me once of being in love with him. But, well, the idea of being in love with Ilya makes me laugh for a thousand years. There's no way we'd ever date each other or feel anything romantic for each other. I can't even really justify it. If someone asks, I'll say it would be like sleeping with a brother, too weird, but it's different from that, too. *shrug* It's just not that kind of love. There are more levels of love than exist in the Western mind. There's love for your family, love for your friends, and love for your lover, but the love I have for Ilya is somewhere between the three of them.

This is probably what your friend is talking about. You can see it doesn't really matter if he's gay or straight or what.

[Gorbash]

This article says otherwise.

"Prosecuting the Gay Teen Murder"

Don't even think it's accepted yet.

Well, stuff like this doesn't happen here, since people aren't open about it... Nor do we have gay communities, bars (there was I think one, but they closed it down becuase skinheads were ambushing people who came out of it), parades (again, there was one, but they got beaten up, since then there hasn't been one). My point is, it's not a topic that's discussed around here AT ALL. It's waaaaay more taboo topic than in US.

[valadil]

Just revealed he is "gay" for me*... He... loves me but not sexually? :smallconfused:... is this like really strong friendship or something else? Either way I don't see him like he says he sees me... Or I don't think I do. Not what he is explaining...


I'm not sure what you mean gay for you and loves you but not sexually. I mean, the not sexually part implies to me that he's not seeking a romantic relationship with you. And if he's not, then what's the problem? All strong friendships are based on love. It's just not common to go around proclaiming that love for anyone but your SO and/or immediate family. I, a straight male, love my straight male friends - I just don't feel the need to tell them.

To be perfectly blunt, I think your reaction is homophobic or induced by homophobia latent in our society. I think you and your friend probably feel a similar way about each other. His willingness to call that feeling love is scary, and that's understandable. I mean, even if you're okay with gay people, you probably don't want to be mistaken for one, right? That's a little bit of homophobia right there, and so you backpeddle and have a negative reaction. I'm not trying to blame you or call names or anything like that. Nobody should have to put up with the kind of BS homosexuals have to put up with in our society, and if you tell him you love him too, you might also be marked as gay.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that if your friend isn't trying to get you into a romantic relationship you should get over this panic (which is understandable) and figure out your feelings, then apologize to your friend. If he actually is coming on to you, well, rejecting people is always hard, especially if it's someone you care about. Handle it gently and try and remain friends.

Just out of curiosity, have you asked your family about this? They're obviously closer to the situation than any of us.

[Kaelaroth]

Well, stuff like this doesn't happen here.

Heard of the Belgrade Pride Massacre?

[Gorbash]

You sure we're talking about the same Belgrade here...?

Like I said, there was a gay parade some years ago and some people got beaten up, but nobody died, let alone a massacre...

[Occasional Sage]

Heard of the Belgrade Pride Massacre?

No I haven't, actually, but I'd be interested. A cursory Google failed to find me anything; can you provide a link?

Mrmud, any progress? I understand how a failing relationship (platonic, romantic, or someplace between) can be immensely stressful, frightening, and painful; I hope the two of you manage to retrack things soon.

My suspicion is that the two of you are applying different definitions to terms without realizing it, and this is (or will be in retrospect) a tempest in a teapot. Both of you seem to be caught in an emotional cyclone with this, though, which is keeping you from communicating clearly with each other.

Perhaps a good question for him is, "If you were in charge of the universe, would you want anything with us to change?" Reading between the lines of the comments you've relayed, I think his answer would be "no."

[Gorbash]

No I haven't, actually, but I'd be interested. A cursory Google failed to find me anything; can you provide a link?

Like I said... It never happened. Some people were injured, but you can't really call it a massacre!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/1415789.stm

[Kaelaroth]

Wait, I'm getting mixed up. True, twas not a massacre. The website I was reading only called it that because of something that happened afterward. Anyways, in 2001, the first gay pride march in Belgrade ended rather gorily.

But, let us steer away from that topic, for fear of getting into board restricted ideas.

Yes, back to the point. Mrmud, how're you dealing?

[cabbagesquirrel]

I think to some people having a gay friend becomes awkward because of the possibility of being hit on by them, which makes them conflicted because the guy is your friend and you are not attracted to guys. im using the generalisation that one friend is gay the other not.
Thats a big if i think, just cause youre their friend and theyre gay does not automatically mean he is gonna jump your bone, i think its a bit of over inflated ego, ie that you think youre so awesome that he cant help but not want to have sex with you etc.

are you attracted to all women? no of course not, you have preferences and sub groups or whatever. same with gay guys i assume. and even if you as their friend fall in the category of what they would like as a boyfriend etc, im sure that your gay friend would respect your boundaries and the like first, because theyre your friend first!

and i live in tasmania, which is still stuck in the 1950's in some respects to culture. it might not be serbia but its still a tricky topic in some areas, im just happy my friends are all very accepting people, and no i would not sleep with any of them. not my type.

[Gorbash]

it might not be serbia

It's not only Serbia, it's like this everywhere around these parts ie. whole of Balkan, East/South Europe...

[Pyrian]

OP: It sounds to me like it's all a big misunderstanding. I find your description of your feelings for this friend and his feelings for you to be essentially indistinguishable; you love each other, but aren't sexually attracted to each other. Don't let the fact that he's done the "unmanly" deed of admitting that ruin it all!


I meant Washington DC and NYC. If those aren't the representatives of US, I don't know what is....Virtually anywhere else? :smalltongue: Those two places are whole subcultures of their own.

[Felixaar]

well it looks like you've gotten some good advice already but, well, I'll still add whatever I can.

It's a bummer but especially for your friend. While I'd say you need some time apart, it's not really an option with how close you guys are. To be honest I'm stuck for anything to say. Just tell him you still wanna be friends but nothing more, and thats just the way it's gotta be. It'll hurt, probably both of you, but it's got to be done. Well, best of luck man.

[Burrito]

Another question for Mrmud, are you still active duty in the corp? Is your friend? Because (for those that don't know) it can also complicate the heck out of the situation. Some of the responses to your original post seem a bit harsh.
Any close relationship is dificult to understand, at best, and getting any sort of curveball, like your buddy coming out, can make you feel like you don't know up from down for some time. How should you handle it? Lord, I don't know, but whatever it is, take your time. Problems like this arn't really going to be fixed right away. It may be days, weeks, months. And if the situation is emotionally charged, then not much of anything will get solved. give things some time to calm down and get your thoughts in order. figure out what you need to say, and how you want to say it. Instead of a short conversation here and there. find a time when you can both sit down, have a few beers, and just talk about it.

Best place for that is a fishing boat. There isn't a conversation in the world that can't be had by two guys fishing.

[Agamid]

I've been in this situation before... only i was the queer one expressing non-sexual affections for the best friend.

They're never very clean-cut and move-on things, especially if this is their coming-out as well, because they'll already be feeling very vulnerable and emotional.
Tell him the truth, that (from what i can gather) is that you really don't feel that way about him but that you really value him as a friend and you'd hate for either of you to ruin that. And let him know that you're here for him if he needs to talk about it.
Things might get weird about him for a while as he deals with rejection and you deal with his admission, but if you really are just close friends then you'll move on and maybe even become better friends.
If this is his coming-out he's going to need his best friend to confide in and give him strength.

It might be that in fact he doesn't have feeling for you in that way. I know a lot of gay men who said that in coming out and accepting their sexual orientation they went through a kind of second puberty where they often confused strong friendships and even acts of kindness from other men as expressions of attraction and 'interest'.


And yes, non-sexual attractions do occur. I have them all the time. That's how i feel about men i find myself attracted to. ie. I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with them and i really love them dearly and think they are very handsome, but i have no intentions of ever having sex with them. ever. I find them incredibly attractive, but only of they're fully clothed at all times (or at least keep their pants on).
While sexless relationships are pretty rare they do exist and with the right people can work just as well as a relationship with sex.

[Serpentine]

Well, stuff like this doesn't happen here, since people aren't open about it... Nor do we have gay communities, bars (there was I think one, but they closed it down becuase skinheads were ambushing people who came out of it), parades (again, there was one, but they got beaten up, since then there hasn't been one). My point is, it's not a topic that's discussed around here AT ALL. It's waaaaay more taboo topic than in US.All the more reason to be there for any homosexual friends. And I find it very hard to believe that there are absolutely no homosexual (or bisexual) people around you - they're probably all just confused, scared and embarassed. With good reason, if you'd react the way you say you would. Cultural factors may explain, but never excuse, bigotry.

[cabbagesquirrel]

even in australia its still bloody scary in some parts to activley be homosexual, like walking down the street with another guy, maybe holding hands will get you bashed in some parts of the capitals.

[Paladin29]

Well, here in Spain we are really liberal and tolerant with all sexual positions, but I´d appreciate that when i am developing a friendship with a man, he must be honest and tell me if he is gay... because if it is the case I´d establish a relationship more similar to the ones I´ve with female friends.

[Serpentine]

In what ways are your relationships with women and gay men different to those with straight men?

[Lupy]

I haven't read the whole thread, sorry, my browser sucks bigtime.

My best friend is a girl and for a loong time I've loved her. Again, not like, as a lover, but more than as a friend. I think what your friend is trying to say is that you're more than a friend or family member to him. This is hard to explain. :smallconfused:

EDIT: I'm not sure how qualified I am to give advice on the matter with my extensive age though. I'm still not clear, is he actually gay or bi, or is it just a platonic thing?

[Paladin29]

In what ways are your relationships with women and gay men different to those with straight men?

In some ways, there´s some short of confidence and brotherhood that only can be established between two heterosexual men, it doesn´t mean that I have less love to my female friends... it´s only different.

[cabbagesquirrel]

That's bullcrap paladin29. Just cause one is gay doesn't make the relationship different, only your response to it does.

[Gorbash]

And I find it very hard to believe that there are absolutely no homosexual (or bisexual) people around you - they're probably all just confused, scared and embarassed.

Well, trust me on that one... Never in my life have I met a homosexual (at least one who's open about it)... There was a girl in my high school who was lesbian, but I never actually talked to her, so it doesn't count...


Just cause one is gay doesn't make the relationship different, only your response to it does.

Well, his response to it does make a relationship different...

[Paladin29]

That's bullcrap paladin29. Just cause one is gay doesn't make the relationship different, only your response to it does.


That is my opion, that´s the way i feel it, there is nothing wrong with that, difference doesn´t mean discrimination. And I´ll appreciate that you show some courtesy please.

[Mr. Mud]

*looks in his subscribed threads folder*

Oh right!! I forgot to thank everyone for helping me get through something tough...

It has been resolved* (*lack of better word) and we are back to normal now...

So... Thanks!! :smallbiggrin:

If anyone wants to know anything else, or needs help with something relevant to this thread, or completely irrelevant, please PM me.

Thanks again, Mud.

Oh oh oh, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion (however ignorant they may be :smallannoyed:.)