How soon is too soon?

[Gerrtt]

Question: After ending a 5 year relationship, one year of which was spent engaged to be married, how soon do you think is too soon to:

a) begin seeing people again.
b) begin feeling attached and close to people again.


Additional background info which may sway your answer: In any relationship problem you must consider how both people play into it. I ended a five year relationship because I realized I could no longer spend my energy caring for someone who did not support me emotionally in the same way. In addition, living with this person was like walking through a mine field with ski boots, which was something I simply tolerated for a long, long time hoping it would get better. After realizing that after five years nothing had changed except my willingness and need to make sure my needs and wants were being expressed and met (which did not necessarily mean that they were paid attention by the other member in my relationship), I decided it was time for me to make a change for the good of my life and end the relationship before I started feeling even worse.

That was last Friday (August 1, 2008) and quite frankly I'm already starting to notice that I'm very attracted to a friend I've had for two years and who I have recently spent more time with. Additionally, feelings are reciprocated. I'm not feeling ready for ultimate committment yet, but I do feel like I'd like to have some fun and spend time with this person.

The issue I have is that I don't want to take advantage of this person or use them as a re-bound relationship because I respect them so much. I've conveyed that to her, and she also doesn't want me to just pass by the mourning phase. Both of these give me a bit of hesitation about starting to date again.

However, in addition to the fact that I've been actively mourning the loss of the relationship since July 25th 2008, I had been feeling a distance growing between me and my ex for months (easily as far back as October 2007) but had never really done anything about it except wonder if or how I could ever end things. Now that I have, I'm feeling ready to experience joy in relationships. Besides, my baggage from the relationship is really an understanding that in the beginning I need to set up proper boundaries and not just try to keep my partner happy at my emotional expense. With that understanding, I feel like the only way I'll know if I can do this is by trying to date again, this time trying to do things right.

The concern we are both having is that we don't want to get 5 or 6 months down the road, be really enjoying ourselves and feeling close and connected, and then have me realize that there was something I hadn't worked out, worked on, or done in my time I was supposed to spend recovering from the loss.

Wow, that went way longer than I thought it would, I hope you spent some time reading it and can offer some constructive criticism. How soon is too soon? I know there's not a set rule on this and you really have to go with what feels right. Well, frankly, spending time with this person feels really good and natural, and I don't want to screw it up. Thanks for listening!

::edit::

Also, I know there's a relationship advice thread, I just wanted to vent too and share some of what I'm going through in my own venue.

[Ragabash]

That's a very complex question.

Honestly, there is no right answer. It's something you really need to ask yourself in the end. I've known someone who was in a relationship that lasted for years within a week after she broke up with her fiancé, so I can't say that there's a lower limit.

I think there are a couple of questions you need to ask yourself.

1. Do you feel ready?

This one is pretty self explainatory, I don't think I need to go into detail.

2. How comfortable are you with the idea of not being in a romantic relationship?

This I include because it helps avoid the biggest pitfall I've seen when it comes to friends of mine. I've seen people I know end up in horrible disastrous relationships because they had trouble with the idea of not being half of a couple. So you need to know if you're thinking about your friend romantically because you are really and truly interested in said person because they are right for you, or because you want to be with someone.

If you can answer those questions and be satisfied with the answer you give yourself, then comes the next really big step. Talk to your friend. Get it all out in the open. Do they think it's too soon? What are their fears about this just being a rebound? Do you both see the potential for a long term relationship, or both see it as similarily short term? You'll be better off if you both know what each other's issues are with the idea of being a couple, and if that talk goes well, then it's obviously not too soon, and best of luck either way.

[Sir_Norbert]

The issue I have is that I don't want to take advantage of this person or use them as a re-bound relationship because I respect them so much.
But it's not taking advantage of her or using her* so long as she understands the situation and is making her own decisions about how to relate to you of her own free will. Saying that you're "taking advantage" of her is tantamount to saying she's just an automaton :(

Yes, rebound relationships are more dangerous than other ones because the person who's on the rebound isn't always in the best frame of mind to make sensible choices about whether another relationship is right for him. That doesn't mean they should be avoided, if it's what both of you want, just so long as you understand what you may be letting yourselves in for. She might well really be the right person for you. How on earth would I know, when I don't know either of you? All I do know is that you'll never find out if you don't give it a try.

I guess the one thing that is important is that you have to first get as much closure as you can from the end of your other relationship. Especially if the other girl still wants you back. You have to reach a stage where you really really know you don't want that and you're not going to change your mind. When you're confident about that, there's no reason you can't move on.

(There is one real problem with rebound relationships, and that's that if both of you belong to the same circle of friends, her standing within that group may be worsened or, in extreme cases, ruined because of the perception that she is taking advantage of you. Be wary of that.)

*Sorry, pet peeve of mine. You know she's a "her" (you say so in a different paragraph) so you should use the appropriate pronoun.

[Telonius]

One "rule of thumb" I've heard is wait one month for each year you were involved. But rules of thumb generally don't work, and just waiting and not thinking really won't help the situation.

My advice to you is to figure out how you got into that bad situation in the first place. Why was it, exactly, that the relationship broke down? Figure out any thought habits or behaviors of your own that might have been contributing to it, and work to change those. Figure out any thought habits or behaviors of your old girlfriend that might have been contributing to it, and make sure the new person doesn't have them (or is aware of them and honestly, actively working on them). Basically, make sure you're not going to get right back into the same kind of situation you were just in. After you've done that, you'll have really learned something about yourself, and be much more ready to get back into a relationship.

[valadil]

I generally say 3 to 6 months before getting serious again. If I was a betting man I'd say that the friend you're interested in now is a rebound. You and she should both be aware that you're rebounding before you make any moves. Relationships that start as a rebound can work, it just takes some awareness of what's going on and she has to be ready for you to still have some attachment to the other girl.

I'm of the opinion that some relationships end long before the breakup. In cases like that it's usually a much shorter time between official breakup and dating again because there's already been prep time for a new relationship before the old one even ended. It sounds like you're probably in that scenario, so maybe you can start something up real soon.

[Gerrtt]

@ Ragabash

I feel ready to be happy again, willing to be happy on my own as well, but I genuinely enjoy the new woman's company. Even though we've only been hanging out in this new way for about a week it feels really natural and normal. In addition we've been talking about this stuff already, so all right!

@ Sir_Norbert

Good point, it's her choice as much as it is mine. However, she doesn't want to rush me into something just because she's interested in me, and I don't want just be with her because I'm angry at someone else. The good news is that in general I'm not angry at my ex, I just broke up with her because I decided for myself that I could not live with this person who was not going to change who they were for the rest of my life. Not with out sacrificing myself for her happiness. Also, I feel like I have a definite idea of when closure will come; when I've completed my moving out process and have our lease terminated. As of yet I'm still staying in "our" appartment but she is not there. Once that mess is over I think closure will really be able to happen. In the mean time me and the new woman are just kindof hanging out and seeing what happens.

@ Telonius

I feel like I've figured out my contribution to the problem. I also have spent a lot of time in the past two weeks trying to decide what it is I'm looking for in a potential partner, and as it goes the new woman has most if not all those traits and so far none of the glaring problems my ex has. I feel like I've learned a lot about myself in the past year (both by growing older and being in personal therapy for a year) which I think contributed to my realization that I couldn't support my ex emotionally any longer without hurting my own development in some way.

[Felixaar]

Hmmn. I'd say it sounds like you are mostly through the issue but it is probably worth waiting atleast another few weeks just to make sure nothing comes up - while it can be kind of a fear that something you haven't worked through might suddenly turn up, I think a greater fear is waiting too long and letting the opportunity to be happy again slip by. There's no real designated time period, and while they say you should be careful of letting it be a rebound - and they're right - I dunno, so long as you are careful and now that you really do care for her I'd say it's worth a try. Best of luck.

[InABanana]

I would give it time but if your sure your over her then i'm sure its not too soon to see other people.

[Pyrian]

I really don't think there's such a thing as too soon - life is short, if you can, go ahead and move on. Many relationships break up precisely because there is someone else that one partner wants to pursue!

[xPANCAKEx]

i would advise against "getting involved" in another serious relationship any time soon... but let life be organic. If you met the most incredible person in the world tomorrow and instantly fell in love, stopping and saying "sorry - no go. I have to wait an arbitrary set time before anything can happen" would be ludicrous

just go with the flow

by the sounds of it, you've been emotionally out of the relationship for quite some time. Don't let the "official" end point hold any baring on that.

If you find someone who makes you happy, take it slow. As long as the people you still care about (family/close friends) have no reasonable objections, then just go for it.

[Thes Hunter]

How Soon Is Now? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2NrIALcNOw)

[xPANCAKEx]

excellent song, incredible band - even if completely unrelated to the thread

[Rawhide]

excellent song, incredible band - even if completely unrelated to the thread

Psst. I think maybe she was being too subtle?

[Serpentine]

From the point of view of the ex: If you spring from this relationship to a brand new one, it's going to seem as though the last five years you've spent together meant nothing. Some consequences may include, for her:
Loss of self-worth - it's possible that much of the value she placed on herself was based on her connection with you.
Loss of self-esteem - if you can move on so quickly to someone new and better, how crappy must she be?
Loss of self-confidence - if you don't love her, who will? If you can move on so quickly but she can't, does that mean there's something wrong with her?
Jealousy - you've been hers for five years, and now all the things you did with/to/for her you'll be doing with/to/for someone else. Unless she also moves on quickly, you'll be off having fun while she's languishing in misery.
Curiosity/nosiness - What are you doing? What are you saying to this new person? Are you having more fun with the new one than you ever did with her?
Suspicion - Was this new woman the reason you broke up with her?

Based on all-too-recent bitter experience. If you care for your ex at all, and in particular if you'll be trying to maintain a friendly relationship with her, consider resisting for at least a while. Of course, what's the case for me may well not be the case for someone else.

[bosssmiley]

Good general rule for any "How soon is too soon?" question: wait a year and a day.

That grieving and adjustment period gets you over the initial shock of an event, allows you to accustom yourself to the changed circumstances, notes the first anniversary of it (when you might be a little raw to it), but ultimately acknowledges that life goes on.

I'd suggest you don't even think about getting serious about someone else until (*checks your cited date*) July 26th 2009. Before then there's still a risk that the emotional baggage from the previous relationship won't be safely stowed. Getting together with your friend now - while your head is still in a bit of turmoil - runs the risk of ruining the good thing you already have between you. :smalleek:

All the best Gerrtt. I know it's hard going right now; but wait a year and a day, then see how you feel.

PS: According to the tear-and-a-day rule Steve Irwin became fair game again on 5th September 2007. Likewise it'll be ok to joke about the circumstances of Heath Ledger's death on, or after, 23/01/2009; any sooner than that is just in poor taste.
(yes, that applies even in the case of the exploitable comedy gold of an Olsen twin being somehow involved)

[Charity]

A year and a day between relationships!
Have you been scrambled Eggy?

Lifes too short, you sound like you've moved on just take whatever opportunities present themselves.

[Serpentine]

Is that just Relationships? How about flings, encounters, etc.? :smallwink:

[Pwenet]

As someone who is going through something similar, all I can say is that you need to take care of yourself first.

People told me everything from going out the night after and finding a lady at the bar (:smallconfused:) to waiting a year before even thinking about a girl (:smallfurious:) to wait for my feelings to stabilize.

Like it has been said before there are many different opinions, but the key thing is how do YOU feel?

I myself thought I was ready, but when I signed up for a dating service and started talking to someone I realized I was starting to go down the same dark path that got me into my original situation (the person was of the same economical background and very very similar to my EX, at which point I realized I would only be comparing her to my EX which is very unhealthy for a relationship and I wanted something different out of a new/fresh relationship).

My personal opinion, which you can take with a grain of salt and a dash of pepper, is to wait until you can build a fresh relationship, not one where you think about the EX constantly. If you can do that with your friend, and if she understands where you are coming from, life is too short to wait. Otherwise wait a little while.

But like I said before there is no right answer here.

Hope that in some way this rambling mess help.

[Thes Hunter]

Here here pwenet. You have said exactly what I would have wanted to say, but better then I would have said it.

[Gerrtt]

Thanks for all the insight guys, it's been helpful (each comment in its own way).

I've decided that there isn't necessarily a set time that works for everyone, that my readiness will very much so be different from my ex's, and that as long as I am not doing this for the wrong reasons and remain aware of my situation and vocal about my feelings then I can take things slow, see what happens, and just enjoy myself (as well as the company of my friend).

Thanks again!

[Syka]

Two weeks after my ex broke up with me (over three year relationship), I went on a date. I dated that guy casually for about nine months. A month and a half after I broke it off with him, I began dating my current boyfriend (it will be a year in a couple of weeks, and we've been serious all but a week of that).

Neither of my post-ex relationships were rebounds. I was perfectly happy being single, but I also saw no reason to avoid dating someone if we were both interested in each other. If I waited until all my baggage from my ex was sorted out, I'd still not be dating and I would have missed out on one of the best relationships. My boyfriend has actually been a huge help in sorting out some of my problems and such because he's been through similar situations and we've both been able to help each other.

I discussed with my mom, right before getting with my boyfriend, that I was worried I'd seem like I was just jumping from guy to guy. The question she asked was "Do you feel the need to be in a relationship?" I told her no. If you don't feel the NEED to have a relationship, I'd say it's safe to assume the friend in question is not a rebound.

Then again, some of the situation with my ex is different. He began seriously (I think, anyway, from what I understand) dating the girl he cheated on me with the day after he broke up with me. *shrug*

But, in any event, only you can tell when you are ready to begin dating again or for a serious relationship.

Cheers,
Syka