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View Full Version : The Hilarious problems of Fantasy characters



Thoughtbot360
2008-08-08, 06:53 PM
(Originally started with my Account "Xaos" over at Zodiac forums (http://zodiacffrpg.proboards74.com/index.cgi?board=offtopic&action=display&thread=184&page=1))

Hello. My name is Jane, and welcome to AA, Adventurers Anonymous. I'd like you to introduce yourself and tell us about your problem.

Wizard: Hello. I am Faust, I belong to an all-Black-Mage party from FF1. And I have a problem. I....*sigh*...
Jane: Its okay, Faust. Please, go on.
Faust: *looks down* I have an addiction to Healing Potions.
Group: Oooohh...
Another Wizard, this one in Parachute pants: Me too! I keep targeting monsters with my spells, since I can exploit their elemental weakness, you know. But then the buggers also move into Melee while I'm in the middle of casting spell and I get hit by both the monster's attack AND my own spell. And I swear our chemist is a drug dealer....

*hours later*


Cleric: I feel that I'm being entrapped somehow. Its as if all my party wants me for are healing prayers. Especially our Wizard who is trying really hard to not get addicted to potions again.
Jane: Ah, well many people in your position get that feeling. But it shouldn't make you feel entrapped.
Cleric: Well, thats just the thing. The whole Healing prayers bit wouldn't be a problem-if it weren't for the fact that I worship a God of Death, and he doesn't like that crap. He nearly took away my powers when I asked for a resurrection spell! (didn't get it either-I miss Joey.) And he hasn't really calmed down any. And then the Wizard gets his kidney ruptured by a Displacer beast. AGAIN.

......

Barbarian: Well......I have anger issues.
....

Ansem: I can't stop saying Darkness....
Jane: Okay...thats perfectly normal for
Ansem: DARKNESS CONQUERS ALL WORLDS!
Jane: ....this is gonna be a tough case to crack...

....

Monster: Well, the Dark lord-
Ansem: DARKNESS!
Jane: Shh! Please continue.
Monster: thank you. Well, my Boss hired me to eat human flesh. Something about a hero infestation. But-I'm a Vegetarian. I just can't do it! *Breaks down crying* Its just not right to me, I just can't do i-i-i-it....*sob*

....

Bard: I feel as if...I'm somehow inadequate. I mean, maybe running around and singing at all the monsters in the dungeon really isn't such a smart idea....
....

Post your own! :smallwink:

monty
2008-08-08, 07:02 PM
Druid: I try to be the best I can be. But every time I put any effort into something, my friends complain that I'm overshadowing them. I don't want to lose my friends, but I just feel like I'm not being fair to myself if I hold back.

JackMage666
2008-08-08, 07:13 PM
Fighter: "I guess I just don't feel like anything ever changes... It's just one Bonus Fighter Feat after the other... The ranger's getting two-weapon fighting, and an animal companion, and spells even, but what's my top tier ability? ANOTHER FEAT!"

Enlong
2008-08-08, 07:17 PM
Kefka: I... have a problem with people.
Jane: Oh, well we actually get a lot of these-
Kefka: No, I mean, the problem is that they're still alive
Jane: ... I think you have a different problem...

------

Ranger: It's just... after the errata, you know, nobody looks at me the same anymore. Half of my friends dumped me on the spot, and then a bunch of losers start saying that they always liked me, like there was something wrong with me before!
Jane: Calm down sir, you don't need to get-
Ranger: Angry? Why shouldn't I be angry!? It's like they only ever liked me because of Blade Cascade!! It just makes me want to, to-
Barbarian: RAAAAAGE!!!
Jane: Not you again!

hotel_papa
2008-08-08, 07:21 PM
Truenamer: I... I just don't get it. I've been adventuring with the same group of people for 6 years now, and it just seems like while they keep getting better and better, I'm the only one who seems to be getting WORSE?

Halfling Barbarian in the same party as a Goliath with Fling Ally feat: No, I DON'T want to talk about it.

Shadowtraveler
2008-08-08, 07:23 PM
Fighter: So....s-s-s-s-so-so I was like in a party, right...and-and then one of them...the party, I mean....he's like Hey, let's press one of these buttons...and I'm like, Why? The last three buttons nearly killed us, it's not like this one's any different. The buttons are Death, man, the buttons are Death....and then I- Wait! What're doing?!!! NO!! DON'T PRESS THAT BUTTON!!! DON'T PRESS THAT NNNNOOOOOO!!! OH GOD NOOOO!!!! AUGGHHH-!!!

*goes catatonic*

expirement10K14
2008-08-08, 07:37 PM
Psion: I just don't get it. He said no to me. NO! TO ME! HE SAYS I'M BROKEN? LOOK AT THAT DRUID OVER THERE! THAT'S BROKEN!

Glawackus
2008-08-08, 07:45 PM
Monk: ...
Cleric: We're pretty sure he's unhappy, but his order required a vow of silence, so we'll never really know for sure.
Wizard: It's like the cat thing. Since we can't ascertain whether he's happy or unhappy...he's just going to be the mook of the group, I guess.
Cleric: Monk.
Wizard: Why, what did I say?

---

Rogue: I used to be the skill guy. "Go open that door!" Sure, I says. "Is this worth anything?" Plenty, I says. And now he comes in.
Factotum: I'm sorry. I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

monty
2008-08-08, 09:10 PM
http://echosphere.net/star_trek_insp/insp_captkirk_preview.jpg

Clearly, Kirk is a factotum.

Kiara LeSabre
2008-08-08, 09:28 PM
Wizard: Okay, so I was just walking out of my Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mansion today after a really yummy breakfast? And there they were again! You know -- those strange, silly little people calling themselves my "companions"? Like, I think one of them is a fighter or something. Like people still play fighters?

What-ev-er. So anyway, I cast Greater Scrying, TPed to the BBEG, killed him really quickly and then TPed back to the quest guy to do the drop, and those losers still had the nerve to want a part of the reward!

thegurullamen
2008-08-08, 09:47 PM
Sorc: Aw, man. Last month I got so excited. I thought, "I'm in the big leagues now. From this point out, nothing can touch me!" Spent a full hour running around the camp yelling. I must've said something insensitive or something cause next thing I know, the Wiz is getting all ruffled up. (This is beside the point, but he needs to get laid. He's always so irritable and, between us, maybe a woman could get him to clean up after he rubs bat poo all over himself.) Anyway, he challenges me to a fight and naturally I oblige him; I'd been wanting to kick his butt for weeks.

We take our places and I win initiative. I smile and prepare to use my newly learned technique: quickened spell. I point my finger and nothing happens. I sat there, waiting and waiting, and when it was obvious the spell wasn't working, I tried to cast again. But I couldn't move!

The wizard watched me maintain my pose for a few seconds then turned to blink and look around awkwardly before throwing a quickened Magic Missile of his own and topping it off with a Lightning Bolt. I tried to move out of the way, but I couldn't do anything but maintain that stupid pose! Right before I blacked out, I saw my spell fizzle out a full six seconds too late to have done anything.

(weeps)
_________________________________________

Good Incarnate: I don't know why, but when people hear about my profession they don't want anything to do with me. I'm the physical manifestation of goodness!
Necromancer: Dude, you're wearing the souls of babies that haven't been born yet. Frankly, you scare the p*** out of me.

Thoughtbot360
2008-08-08, 09:53 PM
Fighter: So....s-s-s-s-so-so I was like in a party, right...and-and then one of them...the party, I mean....he's like Hey, let's press one of these buttons...and I'm like, Why? The last three buttons nearly killed us, it's not like this one's any different. The buttons are Death, man, the buttons are Death....and then I- Wait! What're doing?!!! NO!! DON'T PRESS THAT BUTTON!!! DON'T PRESS THAT NNNNOOOOOO!!! OH GOD NOOOO!!!! AUGGHHH-!!!

*goes catatonic*

Jane: Sigh.....goddamn Tomb of Horrors.

FinalJustice
2008-08-08, 09:57 PM
Psion: I just don't get it. He said no to me. NO! TO ME! HE SAYS I'M BROKEN? LOOK AT THAT DRUID OVER THERE! THAT'S BROKEN!

Swordsage: Tell me. Guy gets pissed, turns into a Freakin' Giant Werebear Ape and starts shooting lightning from his mouth and I'm broken and too anime? C'mon

chiasaur11
2008-08-08, 10:42 PM
Kobolds. That's my problem Doc. Kobolds.

Once I was okay with them. Beat a few dozen senseless, steal the loot, come back a week or so later, do it again.

Then... one in armor said something. Pa-something or other. And vanished.

And after that...

All I remember is pain. And something called "technical optimization" was mentioned somewhere.

Tell me Doc, am I cracking up?

JeminiZero
2008-08-08, 11:29 PM
All I remember is pain.


"Pain?" a nearby Cleric started, "Let me tell you about pain. Over here is old Thomas. Say hello to everyone Thomas."

*Thomas replies with some senseless gibbering*

"This poor fellow was once hired, along with 3 other fellows, by a Elf Artificer or some other. He made them put on a bunch of gear, and cast a few spells. Isn't that right Thomas?"

*Thomas curls up in a corner and starts whimpering*

"And then this Elf throws himself off a ****in cliff. And despite the fact its the Elf going off the cliff, Thomas and friends experienced AGONY. As if he were torn apart a million times, a billion times. All 4 of them were driven insane by this."

*At this point Thomas is rolling on the floor howling in pain*

"The poor fools. Thomas here is the least catatonic of the 4. That my friend, was pain."

expirement10K14
2008-08-08, 11:37 PM
Swordsage: Tell me. Guy gets pissed, turns into a Freakin' Giant Werebear Ape and starts shooting lightning from his mouth and I'm broken and too anime? C'mon

Monk: And that swordsage guy. Unarmed variant and everything. He took away the only thing I had. The only thing. How dare him. HOW DARE HIM!


Kobolds. That's my problem Doc. Kobolds.

Once I was okay with them. Beat a few dozen senseless, steal the loot, come back a week or so later, do it again.

Then... one in armor said something. Pa-something or other. And vanished.

And after that...

All I remember is pain. And something called "technical optimization" was mentioned somewhere.

Tell me Doc, am I cracking up?
Kobold: SKREW THE RULES! I'M A KOBOLD!
http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff15/bayar_m2003/Banners/rect4247.png

Thank you Bayar.

mabriss lethe
2008-08-09, 12:23 AM
Soulknife: They think they have problems. I need a hug.

MisterSaturnine
2008-08-09, 12:42 AM
Lich: I'm beginning to have problems with my self-image. The rotting look is so last century.

EDIT: also...

Lich: I forgot where I put my phylactery.

chiasaur11
2008-08-09, 12:43 AM
Soulknife: They think they have problems. I need a hug.

Tell that to the Samurai, pal.

The_Werebear
2008-08-09, 01:01 AM
Binder: I think I have dependency issues...I can't even leave the house without calling up a dozen friends and having them follow me around all day.

MisterSaturnine
2008-08-09, 01:13 AM
Shadowdancer: I feel like people only pretend to like me for Hide in Plain Sight. They say they love me, take a one-level dip, and then leave me for a younger, sexier prestige class! *sob*

OneFamiliarFace
2008-08-09, 01:16 AM
Barbarian: Ever since the world became a bunch of "points of light," I feel like I don't even really exist anymore.

Fighter 4/Bararian 1/PrC of Doom: Wha? Huh? Who said that?

Warlord: Am I the only person in this place? HELLOOOO OUT THERE!

Ecalsneerg
2008-08-09, 01:49 AM
Warlord: I dunno... I like to think of myself as a Warlord. I lead our little band of two rogues and a wizard pretty well. But everyone keeps asking me where's my army, why I haven't waged a full-scale war... did I choose a vastly inappropriate name for my chosen profession?

(had to get that off my chest :smallbiggrin:)

Thurbane
2008-08-09, 02:17 AM
Dragonfire Adept: So I join this party, see, and next thing I know this big, burly Dragon Shaman and this emo looking Warlock guy pull me aside and tell me I'm not needed, and to go and get my own schtick. Can you imagine?

ZekeArgo
2008-08-09, 02:44 AM
Dragonfire Adept: So I join this party, see, and next thing I know this big, burly Dragon Shaman and this emo looking Warlock guy pull me aside and tell me I'm not needed, and to go and get my own schtick. Can you imagine?

Shouldn't that be the Warlock and Dragon Shaman crying that they've not only been one-upped, but done in a far better way?

Krimm_Blackleaf
2008-08-09, 03:33 AM
Sorcerer: "So there I was... I'd finally made it. Wizards thought they had arcane magic dominated, but it was 3.0 and MY times to shine... There were issues I felt... inadequate... compared to the wizard, but I didn't care! I was here, I had it all! And it was years and years of attention... good and bad... Then I heard about it, 4dventure? I had no idea what that was, my Int was... 9... at the time, but the wizard explained it to me and I just was so excited, 'We're gonna get upgrades you and me, wizard! This'll be amazing!' but I found out... I remember the call 'Hey, sorry sorcerer, you weren't accepted, you're not in 4e' ...I didn't know what to say. I've been drinking four to twenty healing potions a day... I need help!" *sobs*

Morty
2008-08-09, 04:51 AM
Orc: Every time I meet someone new, they say: "Go away, you're evil". When I tell them I'm not evil, they say: "Yes you are, you're an orc". And my pal says it's all the same for him. Does anyone even look at the alignment section in Monster Manual? And I stay away from any taverns. My goblin friend once visited one and half of the patrons tried to kill him for "XP", whatever it is! He barely got away!

Arbitrarity
2008-08-09, 05:07 AM
I've been drinking four to twenty healing potions a day... I need help!" *sobs*

This reminds me of a PC, and our DM's take on drinking excessive healing potions (as we came across a lot of potions, but we haven't found a wand:smallsigh:)

Barbarian/Fighter/Frenzied Berserker:
"Lurrg has anger issues. Lurrg is not stupid, but sometimes, when something hurts Luurg, he gets... SO. ANGRY. And then remembers nothing. But when Lurrg wakes up, he often seems to have fallen in oil. Yesterday, Lurrg woke up and lava was rushing at him. Luurg climbed wall, quickly. After that, Lurrg drank 27 healing potions. Lurrg likes healing potions. Of course, potions make Lurrg tipsy, so Lurrg can't help it if he blacks out once in a while, right? Right?"
Jane:
"Might I recommend one of our discount anger management classes?"
Lurrg:
"Marketing talk makes Lurrg ANGRY!"

...later...
"So Lurrg woke up in strange room, which was in terrible mess. Lurrg seemed to have slipped and fallen in some black stuff on floor, though it seemed too tough to slip on. Lurrg couldn't see door, so he broke wall, and walked out. Lurrg said 'Kick in the door style if for weaklings'. Lurrg wonders what happened to funny lady"

Storm Bringer
2008-08-09, 07:38 AM
goblin:.. I... Iknow were the promised race and all, and that our rise to power is inventivable.....but....I just feel like me....my freinds.....my clan....everyone i know....we're just a speed bump for some group of paleskins on their way to greatness. the Oneshot clan moved into a old dwaven mine a few months ago, you know that one they shut down when the iorn ran out? last we heard this bloody human was trying to get a party together to 'clear out this menace and re-open the mne'. I mean, seriosuly. they dig the hole, strip-mine everything of value form it, and then leave it for 40 years to rot, and still have the cheek to complian if we want to live thier!

expirement10K14
2008-08-09, 08:18 AM
Monk: What, I don't get it. I get more attacks than anyone else, but I still can't make it. I tried superior unarmed strike, monk belts, EVERYTHING! Then there was this new "Joker" idea. Grappling. It was going so well! Then the batman wizard showed up...

Wizard: What? I can't here you over the sound of how awesome I am!

cody.burton
2008-08-09, 08:58 AM
Psion: I have all these... these rocks. I mean, I know doing rocks is bad for you but I just can't stop - they make me feel strong and powerful and all new-age-y. And I think one's following me. Help!

Thoughtbot360
2008-08-09, 10:49 AM
Warlord: I dunno... I like to think of myself as a Warlord. I lead our little band of two rogues and a wizard pretty well. But everyone keeps asking me where's my army, why I haven't waged a full-scale war... did I choose a vastly inappropriate name for my chosen profession?

(had to get that off my chest :smallbiggrin:)

Cartoon Fanboy: Not as vastly inappriopriate as the Warlords in the early 90s cartoon King Arthur and the Knights of Justice. They were minions! Minions! They followed Viper, who himself took orders from Morgana!

CW Samurai: .....Wait. I'm confused. Is "Cartoon Fanboy" even a class? *gets of hopeful gleam in his eye* Oh my gosh, YOU MUST SUCK WORSE THAN I DO!

Fanboy: Oh no. I'm actually more of a Fighter (well, closer to a Warblade, really because of my Techs). I was made using the Zodiac system! That is to say, the player designed a really good class, with all the attacks and weapons I use based off of Cartoon Memorabilia (I have a Tech - pardon me, *buff spell*- that is called "I have THE POWER!") and he just said that my class was Fanboy. So I'm really quite awesome. I just have the silly source of power like a bard.

Samurai: man being a Samurai sucks...

Fanboy: Actually, the other player made a Samurai character in Zodiac. The way he was made, he's easily the most useful person in the party-Hey...are you okay?

Samurai: *soul leaving body*

Zim
2008-08-09, 09:25 PM
Commoner: *Says nothing. Just whimpers and cowers in a corner, staring fixedly at the therapist's house cat.*

chiasaur11
2008-08-09, 09:45 PM
Commoner: *Says nothing. Just whimpers and cowers in a corner, staring fixedly at the therapist's house cat.*

...
Commoner?
The almighty commoner?
With chicken infested and leadership...
Anything you want sir?

Zim
2008-08-09, 09:48 PM
Don't get smart with me, lest I wave my one simple weapon proficiency at you! :smalltongue:

chiasaur11
2008-08-09, 10:06 PM
Don't get smart with me, lest I wave my one simple weapon proficiency at you! :smalltongue:

Curse my 17 int and coresponding weapon profidiency: sarcasm! It makes honest expressions of awe so much harder to get across.

Ascension
2008-08-09, 10:32 PM
http://echosphere.net/star_trek_insp/insp_captkirk_preview.jpg

Clearly, Kirk is a factotum.

He's like... a CHA-powered version instead of INT-powered.

With the special "Kirk-Fu" martial maneuver.

Something like "If target is denied DEX bonus to AC, make a melee touch attack to deliver a single blow to the back of the neck. If it hits, target creature is immediately rendered unconscious."

:smallbiggrin:

Also, more on topic...

Half-Elf: "Nobody ever wants to play me... Does that seem right to you? They keep calling me 'suboptimal' or some junk like that. Does that seem right to you? I've got all the best traits of a human and an elf, right? I'm supposed to be better than any of them, right? RIGHT? HYBRIDIZATION!!!"

"..."

"What do you mean, I've got the worst traits of a human and an elf?!?"

expirement10K14
2008-08-09, 10:43 PM
Half-Elf: "Nobody ever wants to play me... Does that seem right to you? They keep calling me 'suboptimal' or some junk like that. Does that seem right to you? I've got all the best traits of a human and an elf, right? I'm supposed to be better than any of them, right? RIGHT? HYBRIDIZATION!!!"

"..."

"What do you mean, I've got the worst traits of a human and an elf?!?"

Half-Elf: They keep calling me "hippie." I know they think I am weak, but I am not a hippie. What is this nonsense?

Tomb of Horrors Spoilers.
Rogue: It was a door. A plain old door... I can.. I can't

Healer: Go on, it helps to talk about it.

Rogue: So I, I open it, there was no traps. Then, an arrow spiked me. It was a fake door. IT WAS A FAKE DOOR.

Healer: Calm down, its okay. Its all over.

Rogue: ITS A TRAP! THERE IS NOTHING THERE! NOTHING.

Shadowtraveler
2008-08-09, 10:58 PM
Jane: Now, if anyone would-

Desert Elf: Yeah, I have a question. Has anyone actually heard of me before? Anyone?

<---Played DE Swordsage before campaign was canned


****

Fighter: So....yeah, that 4E upgrade...loving it and all but, um, it's kinda weird...all my enemies seem a bit....drawn to me...kinda creepy...

chiasaur11
2008-08-09, 11:29 PM
He's like... a CHA-powered version instead of INT-powered.


Or perhaps merely an INT beyond our puny modern conception?

With good CHA too, of course.

Zim
2008-08-10, 12:01 AM
Curse my 17 int and coresponding weapon profidiency: sarcasm! It makes honest expressions of awe so much harder to get across.

Well, okay then. As long as you don't know "Summon House Cat I". :smallwink:

Kompera
2008-08-10, 12:11 AM
Sorcerer: "So there I was... I'd finally made it. Wizards thought they had arcane magic dominated, but it was 3.0 and MY times to shine... There were issues I felt... inadequate... compared to the wizard, but I didn't care! I was here, I had it all! And it was years and years of attention... good and bad... Then I heard about it, 4dventure? I had no idea what that was, my Int was... 9... at the time, but the wizard explained it to me and I just was so excited, 'We're gonna get upgrades you and me, wizard! This'll be amazing!' but I found out... I remember the call 'Hey, sorry sorcerer, you weren't accepted, you're not in 4e' ...I didn't know what to say. I've been drinking four to twenty healing potions a day... I need help!" *sobs*

But then one of my smart friends tells me "Hey, don't be so glum. It's just a big joke on the Wizard, when you think about it. Tell me, who can cast their spells anytime they like, without worrying about all the foolish memorization? The Sorcerer, that's who! They might call you a Wizard in 4e, but it's you who got picked and the Wizard who is sitting out the 4e game."

Randel
2008-08-10, 10:38 PM
Orb Wizard: Listen, I actually don't mind the changes from 4th edition much. Sure I don't get the huge selection of spells that my dad got in 3.5, but I do get some good at-will and encounter power. Really, I don't have to worry about running out of magic. Its just... I decided to focus on imposing status effects in combat and chose the orb implement. Really, choosing an implement is a pretty good deal compared to sacrificing two whole schools of magic like my dad had to. But really, I feel kind of silly.

Jane: Why's that?

Orb Wizard: I'm carrying a crystal ball into combat. A wand is pretty cool, you point it at someone and they just know they're getting a blast of lethal arcane force in the face. A staff? We can all see the image of a badass mage wielding his staff like he knows how to use it. But an ORB? I'm carrying a transparant glass orange! How can I threaten people with something that might slip out of my fingers?! Am I supposed to stare menacingly into my crystal ball while Gronko the Snaggletoothed Troll is trying to play baseball with my head? Am I supposed to throw this thing at people?!

Half-elf: You could try contact juggling. That gets peoples attention.

Orb Wizard: I can only carry one at a time! Oh cruel gods of magic! Why do you torment me?

(Meanwhile in a tavern somewhere...)

Wand Wizard: Hey baby. You know what they say about us wand wizards... we're very dexterous!

Knaight
2008-08-11, 12:29 AM
Funny, I always liked the orb more than the wand. Anyways, back to topic.

Soulknife: I just hate my life. I put all my energy into a sword I can make with my mind, only to find out that a fighter can pick up some stick off the street, learn about it a bit, and fight just as well with it. Sure, it won't be on fire or anything, but the guy can still rain down blows with a crappy stick faster than my perfect mental sword.

Jane: Thats okay. It could be a lot worse.

Soulknife: No it couldn't. And as if to add insult to injury I show up right next to the other psionic warrior guy, and the psychic warrior is so much more powerful. And thats without even getting into the psion and wilder. I mean it would have hurt so much less if I had come around right next to the samurai, but its not fair. I think I'm going to go make a mindhankerchief now to cry into.

Psychic warrior: You do that, I didn't need you anyways.

LongVin
2008-08-11, 12:59 AM
Evil Drow: ...jeez...this is kinda hard to talk about, I don't normally come to these things...but...being a Dark Elf just isn't the same anymore ever since I came to the surface. Sure, I knew I wouldn't be able to levitate anymore that was fine, I have plenty of spells to offset that but the problem I have encountered is more of a social one. I was expecting to be feared by all who i encountered BUT People keep mistaking me for some GOD DAMN Chaotic renegade Drow who runs around doing good for everyone! It is really irritating. I ride into town atop my fearsome riding lizard ready to extort the poor townspeople and inflict untold sufferings upon them, yet they all run out towards me cheering, trying to give me treasures and money in exchange for helping them. Sure, I still kill them brutally and take their stuff but it is just not the same without them fleeing in terror upon my arrival. Where do all these damn good Drow come from!

*breaks down in tears before stabbing a gnome in the face who tries to comfort him*

Evil Drow: *sniffles* I feel a little better now.

Stormageddon
2008-08-11, 01:38 AM
Animal companion: It just seems like a the start of the campaign my master relied on me a great deal, but than they kill off a few monsters go up a couple of levels.... and what do you know! completely forgotten.

kjones
2008-08-11, 07:45 AM
I think I'm going to go make a mindhankerchief now to cry into.


I lol'ed. Hard.

evisiron
2008-08-11, 10:11 AM
I lol'ed. Hard.

Second! :smallbiggrin:
----

Fighter: So..uhh... I have this thing, 'arachnophobia', since I was a kid. No big deal, housespiders creeped me out a big. But I got older and started adventuring... these things are EVERYWHERE! I have seen at least 20 varients of giant spiders that shoot acid, and are made of blood, and that are on fire...all this crazy stuff.

And.. and...

*ahem*

And then the party leader said we were going to save some villagers from the Drow...
*Breaks into tears*

insecure
2008-08-11, 01:28 PM
Swordsage: Tell me. Guy gets pissed, turns into a Freakin' Giant Werebear Ape and starts shooting lightning from his mouth and I'm broken and too anime? C'mon

Sig'd.:smallsmile:

Burley
2008-08-11, 02:22 PM
Old school Warlock: I feel like my life has been full of wasted choices. Y'know... I had to sell my soul for my powers. I sold it to Fey... Eternity with being of endless chaos for my power. I know guys who gave it all to demons or devils...imagine what they have to go through when they go. Now...all these new kids...they're everywhere. Being a warlock is nothing special anymore. Hell, people are getting powers from looking at the sky. THE SKY!! I've looked at it dozens of times, and still I'm gonna spend my afterlife shoveling blink dog poop.

Dragonfire Adept: At least, your legacy goes on. Not only was my run ridiculously short, but... I'm not even useful anymore. Do you know that the only reason I've ever been invited into an adventuring party was because of my Unlimited Identifying powers? "Mommy, the new kid didn't have to sell his soul! Wah Wah!" Shut it, ya' Cold-Iron Crybaby. Fighters can identify now. Fighters... I got nothing. And, my own breath weapon can't even offer me the sweet embrace of death.

Benejeseret
2008-08-11, 02:35 PM
Player1: I don't even know you any more. You've changed man, you've changed.

MoMF: Of god you're right...*sob*....I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore!

D_Lord
2008-08-11, 02:47 PM
Epic Mage: So why I'm I here again?
Jane:Because you like the most powerful thing out there and I want some help with all these crazed people.
EM: I don't see any crazed people here.
Ansem: Darkness!
Jane: See.
EM: That isn't crazy. Crazy is when I get bored with my powers to do anything. Did you hear what I did to the Far Realms last week. They rate it as a CP 2 now. Say I just got a idea. I'm off to use OP spell DC to make physics brake down and be pumpkins.

Blackfang108
2008-08-11, 02:57 PM
Old school Warlock: I feel like my life has been full of wasted choices. Y'know... I had to sell my soul for my powers. I sold it to Fey... Eternity with being of endless chaos for my power. I know guys who gave it all to demons or devils...imagine what they have to go through when they go. Now...all these new kids...they're everywhere. Being a warlock is nothing special anymore. Hell, people are getting powers from looking at the sky. THE SKY!! I've looked at it dozens of times, and still I'm gonna spend my afterlife shoveling blink dog poop.


Star Warlock: And how was this my fault, exactly? you're the one who chose the Fae. Who in their right mind makes a pact with the Fae?

*shakes head*

Idiot.

And selling my soul to the beings that inhabit the darkness of space was no easy feat.

Stormageddon
2008-08-11, 03:08 PM
Druid: So I just got done with another day of hard adventuring. I turn on my computer and read all these forums with a bunch of people complaining about how I am broken. Broken! Can you believe that! I spend my time healing, casting spells, and doing melee combat, and they have the nerve to complain. Ingrates!

Burley
2008-08-11, 03:46 PM
Star Warlock: And how was this my fault, exactly? you're the one who chose the Fae. Who in their right mind makes a pact with the Fae?

*shakes head*

Idiot.

And selling my soul to the beings that inhabit the darkness of space was no easy feat.

Bard: ~Calm Emotions~
Whoa, let's be peaceful here, guy.
This isn't an environment to let insults fly.
Because, among us all with problems,
with our nervous eye twitches,
your group all agreed
to be outsider's... pawns.

Zim
2008-08-12, 12:55 AM
Bard: ~Calm Emotions~
Whoa, let's be peaceful here, guy.
This isn't an environment to let insults fly.
Because, among us all with problems,
with our nervous eye twitches,
your group all agreed
to be outsider's... pawns.

Pffft! That doesn't even rhyme! Back to bark school with you! :smallwink:

DigoDragon
2008-08-12, 07:25 AM
Terrasque: "Why doesn't anyone fear me anymore?" :smallfrown:

Burley
2008-08-12, 07:48 AM
Gnome: "Why is everybody afraid of me now?"

shadow_archmagi
2008-08-12, 07:56 AM
Rogue: Its just... well, I feel replaced. The sorcerer can talk just as well as me, and if I ever try to interrupt him he just hits me with a Hold Person. I spent THREE YEARS learning to pick locks like this, and suddenly the wizard is allowed to do it instantly and easily. Don't even get me started on oozes.

Fighter: Tell me about it. Three, not one but THREE classes to completely replace me. Then, in the new adventure, I suddenly become able to slide people around. What is this, an ice rink? The wizard sets people on fire, the rogue gouges their organs out, and I shuffle them around?

Warlord: I... I feel like everyone else is incompetent. Even a wizard can use a longsword if I explain how. My entire war band benefits from having me say "Grommash! Hit the human with a stick! Now!" and its just really frustrating... I want to engage in large scale tactics. You know, like building a giant wooden goat, or telling people to man the catapults to give the archers cover...

but instead I'm reduced to explaining how to hit someone with a stick.

Mina Kobold
2008-08-12, 09:41 AM
kobold: nobody respect me i even have to call 100 of my friends just to get atension I hate it. there isn't even kobold PCs *cries* and... and they always interrub-babarian: I'm afraid of death. Jane: thats not wierd. kobold: hey I was spea-babarian: it's because of the druid, he hates me for causing his lychantrophy, and i am really sorry for that but anyway he keep reinkarnaiting me as a hafling *snif* I was a half-or-AARGH *gets stabbed by kobold* kobold: don't worry I'll pay for the reinkarnation (as half-orc of course) just help m*** Jane: sorry times out.

Jayngfet
2008-08-12, 10:21 AM
Kobold, as in pun pun? Please don't kill us.

chiasaur11
2008-08-12, 02:17 PM
Obviously not. Pun Pun has a high int score.
This kobold... not so much.

Thurbane
2008-08-13, 01:55 AM
Rogue: Its just... well, I feel replaced. The sorcerer can talk just as well as me, and if I ever try to interrupt him he just hits me with a Hold Person. I spent THREE YEARS learning to pick locks like this, and suddenly the wizard is allowed to do it instantly and easily. Don't even get me started on oozes.
Psst - don't let him meet the Beguiler then, he'll be crushed even further. :smallbiggrin:

Skyserpent
2008-08-13, 03:47 AM
Samurai: You guys all suck. I don't even know why I'm here. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm a Samurai and I'm awesome. I even have a Katana, how cool is that? Seriously, I don't see why Bard and Monk dragged me out here in the first place...

JackMage666
2008-08-13, 04:12 AM
Kobold : It's so weird. Nowadays, I can take a 5-ft step, move my speed, AND attack! In the old days, I couldn't do all that! What's more, I take that 5 ft step faster than everyone else! It used to be everyone could do a 5-ft step like I can, but nope, not anymore! Everything's looking up Kobold! Wait, what? They got rid of the Sorcerer Class!?

Dhavaer
2008-08-13, 06:29 AM
Kobold : It's so weird. Nowadays, I'm the only one who can take a 5 ft step, move my speed, AND attack in the same round. Back in the old days, anyone and their mom could do it! Everything's looking up Kobold! Wait... What do you mean there's no Sorcerer anymore?

Psst... you couldn't 5 foot step and move in the same turn in 3.x.

JackMage666
2008-08-13, 09:24 AM
Psst... you couldn't 5 foot step and move in the same turn in 3.x.

I've been playing too much 4e. I've forgotten the rules for 3.5! I'll fix it for the sake of the joke.

Thoughtbot360
2008-08-17, 04:23 PM
Dread Necromancer: People keep confusing me for that other guy.

Jane: What guy?

Dread Necro: *points to another Mage* HIM! Thread Necromancer! Why is he here anyway?!

Thread Necromancer: Well, I've been having strange nightmares about some Giant...who leads like, a horde of Meds...or were they called Mads.....Moods? I don't know, but its very creepy.

Jane: *big eyes* ....You might not wanna look behind you.

Thread Necromancer: Aw Crap.

Cheesegear
2008-08-17, 05:52 PM
Adventurer: So, I picked up this book the other day, right. It was called Complete Adventurer. I thought, "Hey, that's me..." you know? So, I picked it up, and I found this class; Ninja. Sweet Deals! So many good abilities. I felt I just had to choose it. So I did, you know.
And then I flicked through some more of this book, and, see, I was once in this Aquatic Adventure, right, see, and I managed to score myself a rather large ship. So, from this Complete Adventurer, I picked up myself the Dread Pirate prestige class. So, I guess I'm a Ninja, and a Pirate - at the same time...
And I just find that people are looking at me funny, like, I don't know...
Yeah...You guys are have got it.
People look at me exactly like you guys are now.

shadow_archmagi
2008-08-17, 07:28 PM
Dread Necromancer: and furthermore, everyone keeps on saying that clerics do it better than me because they can control more undead! I mean, honestly, why is it that some two-bit cultist is better at controlling undead than the DREAD NECROMANCER?

hotel_papa
2008-08-17, 08:49 PM
*Samurai Jack flips through Complete Warrior for the first time.*

...

*Closes book... shakes head. Opens book again. Re-reads.*

...


AKUUUU!!!!! IS THERE NO END TO YOUR EVIL!!!!!!

*explodes*


HP

_Puppetmaster_
2008-08-17, 09:02 PM
Beguiler: Well, I seemed like such a great class, but then the DM kept sending undead...vermin...oozes...constructs! Everything we fought was immune to mind-affecting effects! I was relagated to using haste on my allies every fight...*Curls up into a fetal position.*


*Sobs*


@^: :smallamused:

Akisa
2008-08-17, 09:13 PM
Replicator: Everyone seem to want me dead just because I eat and make copies of myself. I mean I mostly leave you guys alone except when you guys try attack or disrupt my race's reproducing. Then there these human versions of me that some how take control of my actions.

Mushroom Ninja
2008-08-17, 11:22 PM
Monk: I just can't seem to find any partially charged wands...

Chronicled
2008-08-17, 11:30 PM
Monk: I just can't seem to find any partially charged wands...

This made me laugh more than any of the other posts. And that's saying something, with the quality of some responses.

Mushroom Ninja
2008-08-18, 01:04 AM
This made me laugh more than any of the other posts. And that's saying something, with the quality of some responses.

thank you.

Thoughtbot360
2008-08-18, 10:37 PM
Monk: I just can't seem to find any partially charged wands...

Oh wow. This is good.

Hey! Sir Giacomo! You've just been Zinged!


....heh (http://Giacomo.justgotowned.com/).

D_Lord
2008-08-18, 10:45 PM
DM: I show up just one time in the world and now look. Everybody and I do mean Everybody is hunting me down. From the gods to the PCs, to not Pun-Pun kobold. Ok I did change the face of the whole world and the planes when I changed from 2 to 3.5 but why is everyone after me!!

Myatar_Panwar
2008-08-18, 10:56 PM
Colossal Red Dragon: Alright, so some adventurers came into my cave the other day, and I was all like "Oh cool Dwarf, those guys usually last a few hours." So anyway, I win initiative and the adventurers are like, 25 feet away from me. My reach is like 15 feet, so I figure that I will take a quick step foward and full attack their asses. Only... It wont let me! So I postpone the combat, and check my PHB only to find that I can only take a five foot step as a free action. FIVE FEET!? The damn halfling rogue in their party can take a five foot step, you might think that I would get a little more than 5 feet. I mean, I'm like how big? 25x25 feet? How is it that a small creature can take a five foot step, but I cant take at least a 10 foot step? For me to take a five foot step, it would take a step foward and a half-a-step backwards, at least.

ARGGGG *Breath weapons*

monty
2008-08-18, 11:27 PM
Monk: I just can't seem to find any partially charged wands...

How many internets would you like as your prize?

Eldariel
2008-08-18, 11:43 PM
Soulknife: So like, I'm a Soulknife. If you don't know what that fancy title means, it means I can literally form my soul into a Knife...or mind, they weren't very particular in Psionics 101.

???: *poke*

Soulknife: Don't disturb me, I'm ranting. So anyways, I'm awesome, right? I mean, I don't even need a weapon to fight! And when I get levels, I get bigger, better knives! I mean, what better way to expend all my mighty mental energy than to make a pecker-sized knife?! Manifesting is for wimps, I can poke people to death!

???: *poke*

Soulknife: Quit it! So anyways, I was sure I'd be the strongest adventurer in the whole party, but then we got this thing called "gold pieces". Apparently they allow you to buy stuff. So when I got me some bling-bling, the Fighter got himself a new Sword. Apparently some smartass mage had poured his soul into it or something since that thing just did a crapton more damage than my essence incarnate could ever hope to!

???: *poke*

Soulknife: Just one moment! Where was I? Ah yea, every time we got money, his sword got better! I was stuck buying more bling. And the best part? Turns out he's better at using some friggin' stick he brought from the market than I'm at wielding my very being! I mean, what's up with that? You'd think I'd be more familiar with how to...well, use me than he's with how to use some stick. But noo, I've got medium BAB while he's got full. It just makes no sense!

???: *poke*

Soulknife: That's it! Taste my Mind Blade!

Dog: *dodge, face bite!*

Soulknife: Oh, the humanity!


This post is dedicated to the memory of all Soulknives who have perished in combat with their housedogs. Hopefully we have finally learned: sharp mind(blade) is no substitute for sharp teeth.

Myatar_Panwar
2008-08-18, 11:46 PM
Someone needs to explain that monk joke. Its killing me to know. :smallfrown:

chiasaur11
2008-08-18, 11:48 PM
Someone needs to explain that monk joke. Its killing me to know. :smallfrown:

Search "Joker Monk".

You won't be disappointed.

Terrified, maybe, but...

Mushroom Ninja
2008-08-19, 10:06 AM
How many internets would you like as your prize?

One would do...

mind if I sigg. that?

monty
2008-08-19, 12:25 PM
One would do...

mind if I sigg. that?

Go ahead.One character short...

Mushroom Ninja
2008-08-19, 01:01 PM
one character short?

Chronicled
2008-08-19, 01:02 PM
one character short?

There's a 10 character minimum for posts. Helps prevent spam.

Duke of URL
2008-08-19, 01:20 PM
Half-Giant: Doc... I'm suffering a kind of identity crisis here. I mean, I'm considered a "psionic" race, despite the fact that there's nothing at all inherently psionic about giants.

---

Any low-level adventurer: Why is it that every &%#$ing tavern -- which is all we ever go to in any town, except for the requisite shopping trips -- has a bunch of %@$#^&! rats in the cellar that the !%#ing owner is too lazy to take care of his own %!#@ing self???

---

Wizard: I am almighty. I have mad powerz that none of you will ever comprehend. Bow down before me, lesser souls!
Fighter: We're level 1 and the campaign only goes to level 3. The DM also likes to throw 8 encounters per day at us.
Wizard: *sob* I want my mommy!

BRC
2008-08-19, 01:27 PM
Wizard: I'm allergic to Bat Guano...

Mushroom Ninja
2008-08-19, 01:27 PM
Horizon Walker: I'm sure that there's something worthwhile in my level progression... I hope... :smalleek:

Chronicled
2008-08-19, 01:34 PM
Horizon Walker: I'm sure that there's something worthwhile in my level progression... I hope... :smalleek:

Therapist: Don't worry, there's a little bit of love for you...

You instinctively anticipate shifts in the reality of the plane that bring you closer to your destination, giving you the spell-like ability to use dimension door (as the spell cast at your character level) once every 1d4 rounds.
...as long as we don't let all the really enticing individuals join.

Duke of URL
2008-08-19, 01:48 PM
Eldritch Knight: I... I... just don't get it. I mean, I'm every gish fanboy's wet dream, right? The fighter/mage, smacking down the enemies with both sword and spell. So I figure this is going to be a really tough field to get into, with all the competition, right? Wrong. When I show up to apply for the job, the guy looks at me like I'm nuts. Tells me no one ever applies for the job because it's "unoptimized" or something like that. What am I missing, doc?

Warlock: Hmmm... Eldritch Knight? Sounds kind of cool... Wait -- I don't even qualify???

Mushroom Ninja
2008-08-19, 02:16 PM
Dragon Disciple: My 10 levels of this class have finally paid off... I am finally a HALF DRAGON!! :smallsmile::smallsmile::smallsmile::smallbiggrin: :smallbiggrin:

Wizard: Lols! *polymorphs into a full dragon and eats Dragon Disciple*

Enlong
2008-08-19, 05:07 PM
*Samurai Jack flips through Complete Warrior for the first time.*

...

*Closes book... shakes head. Opens book again. Re-reads.*

...


AKUUUU!!!!! IS THERE NO END TO YOUR EVIL!!!!!!

*explodes*


HP
I WISH I could sig that.

Thoughtbot360
2008-08-19, 05:37 PM
Someone needs to explain that monk joke. Its killing me to know. :smallfrown:

here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=80704) Basically, Sir Giacomo made a response to the Batman Wizard, the "Joker Monk." And he relied heavily on the assumption that Monks can UMD wands to get all kinds of buffs. One of the arguments in favor of this was that discounts you can get for wands that are only partially charged....

Starshade
2008-08-19, 05:38 PM
Elf: im an Elf, supposed to be nature loving, tree hugger. I am not, i dont even like trees. Im allergic even. Flowers, trees and birds...
Jane: please go on.
Elf: its horrible, i am 60 years old, supposed to be a kid, and many of my oldest human friends got grand children! And i am sent into the woods to learn, to be a druid. I dont like animals they make me sneeze, and i am shure i will get an annoying bird trailing me, making me sneeze and cough and feel ill. Its horrible!

chiasaur11
2008-08-19, 05:49 PM
Dragon Disciple: My 10 levels of this class have finally paid off... I am finally a HALF DRAGON!! :smallsmile::smallsmile::smallsmile::smallbiggrin: :smallbiggrin:

Wizard: Lols! *polymorphs into a full dragon and eats Dragon Disciple*

Hey, we don't kill and eat each other here.
Spit him out right now. You can eat him outside.

FinalJustice
2008-08-19, 08:10 PM
Wizard: Back in my days, telling physics to sit down and shut up was a feat of intellectual prowess, only achievable by enduring years of uninterrupted studying and researching. Now these sorcerer kids just be, how do they call it, awesome and that's it? The laws just basically sit there and watch them being handsome?
Sorcerer: Dude, you gotta get some....
Wizard: SOME WHAT YOU BRAT?! Plan your word carefully, because I swear in the name of Boccob, Mystra, Vecna, Azuth, Zagyg and every other arcane casting deity in the multiverse that I'll remove your tiny brain out of your as...
Jane: Wizard, calm down, let's not swear, there are kids watchin...
Wizard: Don't interrupt me as I talk, woman. *casts Hold Monster and quickened Sleep*
Sorcerer: Dude, seriously, you gotta get laid, you can do it, I'll totally help you *Smiles*
Wizard: R... Really...?! Would you?!
Sorcerer: Haha.. Totally, you know Charm Person, don't you?!
Wizard: Of course, actually, I can even Cast Charm Monster, which entices not only...
Sorcerer: Yeah, yeah, you're good to go. Geez....
Wizard: So, let's go?
Sorcerer: What about her, I mean, she's still paralyzed and stuff...
Wizard: Nahh, she's to analytic for me... Intellectual chicks intimidate me... Plus she ain't that pretty...
Sorcerer: Oh well, how much is your int score again?
Wizard: Thirty and rising...
Sorcerer: You must be very proud...
*Both leave*

ashmanonar
2008-08-19, 09:16 PM
He's like... a CHA-powered version instead of INT-powered.

With the special "Kirk-Fu" martial maneuver.

Something like "If target is denied DEX bonus to AC, make a melee touch attack to deliver a single blow to the back of the neck. If it hits, target creature is immediately rendered unconscious."

:smallbiggrin:

Also, more on topic...

Half-Elf: "Nobody ever wants to play me... Does that seem right to you? They keep calling me 'suboptimal' or some junk like that. Does that seem right to you? I've got all the best traits of a human and an elf, right? I'm supposed to be better than any of them, right? RIGHT? HYBRIDIZATION!!!"

"..."

"What do you mean, I've got the worst traits of a human and an elf?!?"

The Kirk Maneuver:

When the target is denied Dex to AC, Kirk may make a slam attack, striking the opponent in the face or back with both fists, dealing double unarmed damage.

ocato
2008-08-19, 11:45 PM
Wizard: I'm cool. Like, way cooler than you. Stronger too.
Sorcerer: ...uh-huh, sure you are.
Wizard: I have access to like, thirty more spells per level than you do, wanna fight? WANT TO FIGHT RIGHT NOW?!
Sorcerer: Sure, I guess. I cast lightning bolt.
Wizard: YOU FOOL, casting an evocation spell? LIKE A HEATHEN?! HARR HARR HARR! Watch as I out-class you with superior spells like Stinking Cloud!
*spell fizzles*
Wizard: Wait! Crap! I didn't prepare that one today! Uhh, don't worry! I prepared a protection from energy! I'm now virtually incapable of taking lightning damage! Haha! Let's see what you do about that.
Sorcerer: *shrugs* Scorching Ray.
Wizard: More foolery! I will just cast another protection from energy, this time for fire!
Sorcerer: Did you prepare another one?
Wizard: Err... I... meant to. I CALL DO-OVERS. TOMORROW WE FIGHT AGAIN EXCEPT THIS TIME I'LL TOTALLY BE READY.
Sorcerer: Scorching Ray.
Wizard: OH DIP! *passes out*
Sorcerer: *loots the wizard's spell book, then hocks it to buy a hoagie*


Jane: So, I understand you feel inadequate.
Bard: Who, me? Nah, I'm good.
Jane: I was told you felt silly for singing songs in battle, lacking any respectable melee or spell casting potency, and just generally being a goober/waste of a party slot.
Bard: I don't know where you get your information from, but Dungeons and Dragons isn't played the way it's discussed on the internet. I beat more asses than a used mule salesman.
Jane: I don't quite follow that expression.
Bard: *Charisma*
Jane: Let's make out.

Chronicled
2008-08-20, 12:36 AM
Bard: *Charisma*
Jane: Let's make out.

Ladies and Gentlemen, why Bards rock.

Duke of URL
2008-08-20, 05:47 AM
Ladies and Gentlemen, why Bards rock.

I thought that was the 23 ranks (plus CHA bonuses) in Perform (rock).

Hzurr
2008-08-20, 09:55 AM
I thought that was the 23 ranks (plus CHA bonuses) in Perform (rock).


*Buzzer* Ooh...I'm sorry. Very close but the answer we were looking for was Glibness. We would have accepted Mass Suggestion, but glibness was the answer we were looking for. Thanks for playing, though.

Burley
2008-08-20, 02:08 PM
Monk: ~Sitting by the coffee and snack table, smoking a cigarette~
Jane: Excuse me, sir. You look like something is bothering you. Would you like to talk about it?
Monk: ~Takes a deep drag, closes his eyes, blows the smoke out, and inhales sharply through his teeth~ I got problems, sister. I killed a man yesterday. I killed a man... with my bare hands.


Cleric of Pelor: Hey, Monk! You should quit smoking. Smoking kills, and it's a sin!
Wizard: No, C.o.P., he's alright, man. Diamond Body... Smokes all he wants, never makes a Con check.

ocato
2008-08-20, 02:13 PM
Monk: ~Takes a deep drag, closes his eyes, blows the smoke out, and inhales sharply through his teeth~ I got problems, sister. I killed a man yesterday. I killed a man... with my bare hands.

Win, this does. Internets I award to you. Strong in this post, the force is.

Burley
2008-08-20, 02:28 PM
Win, this does. Internets I award to you. Strong in this post, the force is.

Gee...Thanks. Another Internet. It'll go nicely with all my other Internets...in the closet. You, uh...didn't happen to get a gift receipt with it, did you?
Maybe I can sell it...on the Internet. Wait...that'll never work...

Serenity
2008-08-20, 02:32 PM
Orc: Every time I meet someone new, they say: "Go away, you're evil". When I tell them I'm not evil, they say: "Yes you are, you're an orc". And my pal says it's all the same for him. Does anyone even look at the alignment section in Monster Manual? And I stay away from any taverns. My goblin friend once visited one and half of the patrons tried to kill him for "XP", whatever it is! He barely got away!


Drow: You think you've got problems, buddy? You think you've got problems? Don't even talk to me about alignment issues! Good orcs, sure. Good goddarn kobolds, sure! Heck, minotaurs can go around being nice as the day is long, and nobody says boo. But I go out and say that I'm a good drow, and the sky comes crashing down, because obviously I'm a Drizz't clone, and it's some kind of blasphemy against nature for a drow not to be a scheming insane bastard! That's alignment problems, jerk!

Fiendish_Dire_Moose
2008-08-20, 03:54 PM
Frenzied Berzerker:
I can't even get into any relationships. It's become too danegrous, it's gotten to the point that even emotional pain drives me into a blinding rage. And here we are, traveling with a wh****.

Thrall of Graz'zt:
I'M NOT A WH***!!!

Frenzied Berzerker:
No, but you sure as Kord are dressed like one.

(Actual in game conversation.)

Zeta Kai
2008-08-20, 05:41 PM
Wizard: Finally! I have achieved ultimate arcane power!! I AM BATMAN!!!

???: BwaHahahahahahaha...

Wizard: Who dares to laugh? I shall smite you! Save or die!

???: You ever dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight?

Wizard: Why do you wanna kill me?

???: Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! I don't wanna kill you! You're too much fun! Say, do you know where I can get some partially-charged wands?

chiasaur11
2008-08-20, 06:00 PM
Gee...Thanks. Another Internet. It'll go nicely with all my other Internets...in the closet. You, uh...didn't happen to get a gift receipt with it, did you?
Maybe I can sell it...on the Internet. Wait...that'll never work...

I could use one...

Duke of URL
2008-08-20, 06:06 PM
Drow: You think you've got problems, buddy? You think you've got problems? Don't even talk to me about alignment issues! Good orcs, sure. Good goddarn kobolds, sure! Heck, minotaurs can go around being nice as the day is long, and nobody says boo. But I go out and say that I'm a good drow, and the sky comes crashing down, because obviously I'm a Drizz't clone, and it's some kind of blasphemy against nature for a drow not to be a scheming insane bastard! That's alignment problems, jerk!

Yes, well, if you'd ditch the twin scimitars and the angst, we might take you more seriously as an individual.

Fiendish_Dire_Moose
2008-08-20, 06:35 PM
Yes, well, if you'd ditch the twin scimitars and the angst, we might take you more seriously as an individual.

Twin scimitars and angst? He's not Driz'zt, he's The Prince of Persia. :P


Barbarian: I just would like the sex to be...less rough.
Frenzied Berzerker: Then you SERIOUSLY shouldn't bite. Like seriously, this crap happens if I so much as stub my toe.
Wizard: No amount of will saves will remove that image.

Mushroom Ninja
2008-08-20, 06:52 PM
Wizard: Finally! I have achieved ultimate arcane power!! I AM BATMAN!!!

???: BwaHahahahahahaha...

Wizard: Who dares to laugh? I shall smite you! Save or die!

???: You ever dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight?

Wizard: Why do you wanna kill me?

???: Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! I don't wanna kill you! You're too much fun! Say, do you know where I can get some partially-charged wands?

You, good sir, just won the game.

chiasaur11
2008-08-20, 11:44 PM
You, good sir, just won the game.

Or, if you have read too little XKCD, you lost the game.
Again.

Cheesegear
2008-08-21, 07:12 AM
Diplomancer: Give me your money.
Jane: What? Why would I do that?
Diplomancer: Because my bonus is in the high +50s at least, I should be able to get you to do anything I want.
Jane: DIPLOMACY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!
Diplomancer: But I've been on the intarwebz, and they said-
Jane: No. No you can't. It's like a non-magical Suggestion spell, you can't actually make-
Diplomancer: SHUT UP! I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD AND YOU'RE A PIECE OF TOAST!

Kobold-Bard
2008-08-22, 10:35 AM
I think my lack of funny killed the thread.

Post deleted, hopfully this will revive it because it was a great read.

AKA_Bait
2008-08-22, 10:38 AM
I think my lack of funny killed the thread.

Post deleted, hopfully this will revive it because it was a great read.

Awww, I didn't even see your lack of funny.

monty
2008-08-22, 10:39 AM
I think my lack of funny killed the thread.

Yeah, you got to be careful with those. If a funny and a lack of funny collide, they annihilate each other, releasing massive amounts of flaming.

arguskos
2008-08-22, 10:48 AM
Barbarian: I just would like the sex to be...less rough.
Frenzied Berzerker: Then you SERIOUSLY shouldn't bite. Like seriously, this crap happens if I so much as stub my toe.
Wizard: No amount of will saves will remove that image.
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAAHAHA....... heeheehee.... *whew*.... *giggle*

This is joining my signature, good sir. I would say you won the internet, but someone else here already did, and thus, it is not in my power to grant. Perhaps a symbolic Internet will do in it's stead? *gives Symbolic Internet*

-argus

Burley
2008-08-22, 12:14 PM
*SNIP* I would say you won the internet, but someone else here already did, and thus, it is not in my power to grant. Perhaps a symbolic Internet will do in it's stead? *gives Symbolic Internet*

-argus

Psst...Here, somebody gave me this Internet, but I don't want it. I'm gonna re-gift it to you, and you can gift it or whatever. Here: Take two.

:smallsigh: These Internets bore me.

Asheram
2008-08-22, 01:21 PM
Thrallherd: It's just... It's all so empty! I have no real friends, they're just slaves to my will... *cries*
Believers: No, don't cry. We love you, master!
Jane: I see... I think all you have to do is suppress this urge to control people and actually sit down and befriend them normally.
Thrallherd: *sniff* *sniff* Really? Will you be my real friend then?
Jane: I'm sorry, but I'm your therapist. I can't have a relation to my patients.
Thrallherd: No, really.. please be my friend. I feel so lonely...
Jane: I'm terribly sorry but...
Thrallherd: *psionic charm*
Jane: I... I... Of course I'll be your friend.
Believers: Hurray!
Thrallherd: .... *Wail* It's all so empty!

Serenity
2008-08-22, 01:22 PM
Yes, well, if you'd ditch the twin scimitars and the angst, we might take you more seriously as an individual.

Yes, because if I ever acknowledge the fact that people hate and fear me on sight because of the culture I have fled from, I'm an emo bitch. Is it too much to ask to be judged on my own merits? I guess it must be, since everyone seems to want to redesign the universe so I can't exist, or I'd turn into a regular elf or something. I mean, do you cry foul on alignment issues when some elf wizard dark lord tries to take over the world? Huh? But some elf with black skin decides he'd rather like to not be a murdering bastard, and it's a sign of the bleeding apocalypse!

Pie Guy
2008-08-22, 01:23 PM
Fighter: I understand why training in the forest or devoting your life to a god will make someone more powerful than me, but some idiot from outside town can just decide to go crazy when ever he feels like it. The first time I fought one, I was thinking This isn't so hard, he doesn't even have any bonus feats. Then he just screamed and acted like he was never hurt at all. So I pulled out my backup plan: some explosive runes I got cooked up this morning. He charged right into me without blinking! I... I... Ijust can't handle this anymore... *sob*

Barbarian: Why did funny man have to mke fun of Tharg's i-lit-er-a-si. Tharg can't help it!

AKA_Bait
2008-08-22, 01:32 PM
Pun-pun: So, you see, that's how with many splatbooks and some rules ambiguity I managed to become all powerful.
Jane: But no DM would ever allow you in their game anyway?
Pun-pun: *sniff* No.

chiasaur11
2008-08-22, 01:57 PM
Pun-pun: So, you see, that's how with many splatbooks and some rules ambiguity I managed to become all powerful.
Jane: But no DM would ever allow you in their game anyway?
Pun-pun: *sniff* No.

There there.

One or two DMs have been dumb enough to do that...

Man, someone oughta run a tomb of horrors with Pun-Pun, the Omniscifier, The Twice Betrayer of Sharn, ect.

That'd be very fun to watch.

DiscipleofBob
2008-08-22, 02:08 PM
Beguiler: "Look, all I'm saying is that I have unspent spell slots at the end of the day which could go towards Charm Person and Suggestion spells. They'd get wasted if I didn't use them, and with my Diplomacy rating, it wouldn't have taken long for me to move her attitude past Friendly anyway. I was just sparing her the time and awkward roleplaying."

Female PC: *glares*

Fiendish_Dire_Moose
2008-08-22, 02:12 PM
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAAHAHA....... heeheehee.... *whew*.... *giggle*

This is joining my signature, good sir. I would say you won the internet, but someone else here already did, and thus, it is not in my power to grant. Perhaps a symbolic Internet will do in it's stead? *gives Symbolic Internet*

-argus


YAY! I done won symbolism!

Chronicled
2008-08-22, 02:32 PM
There there.

One or two DMs have been dumb enough to do that...

Man, someone oughta run a tomb of horrors with Pun-Pun, the Omniscifier, The Twice Betrayer of Sharn, ect.

That'd be very fun to watch.

Pun-Pun says that all the monsters are dead, all the traps deactivated, and all the treasure is in a pile in front of him.

Man that was fun.

Duke of URL
2008-08-22, 02:37 PM
The real question is... can Pun-Pun create an adversary or obstacle that is too difficult for Pun-Pun to overcome?

Oracle_Hunter
2008-08-22, 02:57 PM
The real question is... can Pun-Pun create an adversary or obstacle that is too difficult for Pun-Pun to overcome?

Yes! He can create two Pun-Puns and then force them to fight him :smalltongue:

Fiendish_Dire_Moose
2008-08-22, 02:58 PM
That's like the "Jesus and the burrito" question. The answer is a most definite yes... But what would be the point?

Duke of URL
2008-08-22, 03:14 PM
Yes! He can create two Pun-Puns and then force them to fight him :smalltongue:

If he created other Pun-Puns, he wouldn't be able to force them to do anything.

Asheram
2008-08-22, 03:28 PM
If he created other Pun-Puns, he wouldn't be able to force them to do anything.

Depends a little on how far he'd allow them to "buff" up.
Do we count a "Pun-pun" as a true Pun-pun Before, during the buff or after them when he's the godlike creature?

AKA_Bait
2008-08-22, 03:34 PM
The real question is... can Pun-Pun create an adversary or obstacle that is too difficult for Pun-Pun to overcome?

Interesting question actually, but not totally parallel to the old paradox of omnipotence since at any given time Pun-pun is not actually omnipotent, just mind staggeringly powerful. So, I suppose it would be a 'Yes, he could potentially create something that at the time of it's creation was too difficult for him to overcome.' It might even be an overall yes, since he could possibly create something that is enough more powerful than him to snuff his scaly god-like butt out before he aquired the additional power to overcome it.

Sorry, tangent, stopping. I wrote a journal article substantially on that paradox so I get carried away.:smallredface:


Pun-Pun says that all the monsters are dead, all the traps deactivated, and all the treasure is in a pile in front of him.

Man that was fun.

Treasure? What treasure? That place is mostly bare of anything actually of value.

Burley
2008-08-22, 04:08 PM
Treasure? What treasure? That place is mostly bare of anything actually of value.

Spheres of Annihilation aren't cheap.

monty
2008-08-22, 04:42 PM
Treasure? What treasure? That place is mostly bare of anything actually of value.

He didn't say all the treasure in there. He just said all the treasure. All the treasure.

Although, since he could just give himself an at-will ability to create treasure, getting what already exists is kind of a waste of effort.

Chronicled
2008-08-22, 04:57 PM
Although, since he could just give himself an at-will ability to create treasure, getting what already exists is kind of a waste of effort.

If Pun-Pun is a prankster economist (or a sadist...), he wouldn't consider it a waste. There's plenty of ways to make the people of the world whine, but taking all of everyone's money away has to give you a few points.

Asheram
2008-08-22, 05:04 PM
... makes me think a little.
Would a clone from a clone spell react to the psychic power mindseed?

Nevermind. No soul, no movement I figure.

monty
2008-08-22, 05:08 PM
If Pun-Pun is a prankster economist (or a sadist...), he wouldn't consider it a waste. There's plenty of ways to make the people of the world whine, but taking all of everyone's money away has to give you a few points.

Well, since Pun-Pun is LN (Or is it NG? I can't remember. Either way...), that seems like an unlikely course of action.

hotel_papa
2008-08-22, 05:13 PM
Pun-pun kills threads. I think it's where he gets his power.

HP

chiasaur11
2008-08-22, 05:22 PM
Well, since Pun-Pun is LN (Or is it NG? I can't remember. Either way...), that seems like an unlikely course of action.

NG for the level one build with the best odds of creation. Starts as a Paladin, summoning Pazuzu moves him a step nearer chaotic.

Most previous assumed true nuetral, so he wouldn't interfere and get three or four divine portfolios on his case.

monty
2008-08-22, 06:11 PM
NG for the level one build with the best odds of creation. Starts as a Paladin, summoning Pazuzu moves him a step nearer chaotic.

Most previous assumed true nuetral, so he wouldn't interfere and get three or four divine portfolios on his case.

Ok, I couldn't remember whether it went to evil or chaotic first. My point stands either way, though. Taking all the money for fun is neither LN nor NG.

Frosty
2008-08-22, 06:15 PM
Beguiler: "Look, all I'm saying is that I have unspent spell slots at the end of the day which could go towards Charm Person and Suggestion spells. They'd get wasted if I didn't use them, and with my Diplomacy rating, it wouldn't have taken long for me to move her attitude past Friendly anyway. I was just sparing her the time and awkward roleplaying."

Female PC: *glares*

I don't think Diplomacy works on PCs. And shouldn't the PC get a saving throw for being forced to do something that is 1) agaisnt her nature and 2) possibly suicidal (depending on how many other women the man has slept with)

Mushroom Ninja
2008-08-22, 06:16 PM
NG for the level one build with the best odds of creation. Starts as a Paladin, summoning Pazuzu moves him a step nearer chaotic.

Most previous assumed true nuetral, so he wouldn't interfere and get three or four divine portfolios on his case.

waitaminute... Level one build? I have not heard of this one...

shadow_archmagi
2008-08-22, 06:19 PM
If Pun-Pun is a prankster economist (or a sadist...), he wouldn't consider it a waste. There's plenty of ways to make the people of the world whine, but taking all of everyone's money away has to give you a few points.

That'd make an interesting BBEG. A wizard who wanted to go down as the best thief ever and stole all currency and treasure.

chiasaur11
2008-08-22, 06:24 PM
waitaminute... Level one build? I have not heard of this one...

He gets a wish from Pazuzu to get a candle of invocation, uses that to get three wishes, uses those to get another candle, move off everyone's radar, and get a giant human scale hampster ball. He uses the next candle to have a Sutekh give him manipulate form, and there we go.

Mushroom Ninja
2008-08-22, 06:28 PM
He gets a wish from Pazuzu to get a candle of invocation, uses that to get three wishes, uses those to get another candle, move off everyone's radar, and get a giant human scale hampster ball. He uses the next candle to have a Sutekh give him manipulate form, and there we go.

Pazuzu? I am unfamiliar with this...

Chronicled
2008-08-22, 06:30 PM
Pazuzu? I am unfamiliar with this...

A devil/demon who will give you a wish if you're a nice person and wish to change alignments to be less-than-nice (especially if you're a Paladin). You need a DC 25 Knowledge: the Plains check to know about him, but then you just have to say his name thrice and he'll appear.

He's in some splatbook, I'd have to look up the Pun-Pun threads again to find out which one.

monty
2008-08-22, 06:34 PM
You need a DC 25 Knowledge: the Plains check to know about him, but then you just have to say his name thrice and he'll appear.

Knowledge: the Plains? Pazuzu lives in an open field now?

mostlyharmful
2008-08-22, 06:40 PM
Knowledge: the Plains? Pazuzu lives in an open field now?

A great big one on the first level of the abyss yes, well above it anyway... oh, wait, were you attempting some sort of sarcasm? Sorry, your question is actually quite reasonable:smallbiggrin:

Chronicled
2008-08-22, 06:40 PM
Knowledge: the Plains? Pazuzu lives in an open field now?

It's his summer getaway.

chiasaur11
2008-08-22, 06:46 PM
It's his summer getaway.


Did Pun-Pun get it for him as a thank you gift?

Chronicled
2008-08-22, 06:52 PM
Did Pun-Pun get it for him as a thank you gift?

That, and he needed a flat place to pile all the treasure.

Trizap
2008-08-22, 06:56 PM
ok, lets get back on topic.........

Samurai:Its so unfair, I have to be Lawful Good, an uptight strict rules guy, I can't cast any spells, I have to wear armor that slows me down, I *must* use my Katana, and what do I get? nothing! nothing! I'm a walking bag of suckage! even the fighter is better than me, and I'm supposed to be an Eastern version of him, and even then, the fighter can just pretend to be me by putting samurai armor and getting a Katana, you get that? fighters make better samurai's than samurai's!! and even then they aren't bound by alignment restrictions, how freaked up is that?

Zeta Kai
2008-08-22, 07:05 PM
Yay! Pun-Pun slays yet another thread!! All hail the almighty Pun-Pun!!!
:biggrin:
Sorry, but they have a Size 7 font. Somebody's gotta use it.

chiasaur11
2008-08-22, 07:07 PM
Yay! Pun-Pun slays yet another thread!! All hail the almighty Pun-Pun!!!
:biggrin:

Oddly, the only one to put up any fight is a Samurai.

Could it be enough anti optimization offers some level of defense against the ultimate in optimization?

Cheesegear
2008-08-22, 07:09 PM
Soulknife: So, I don't need a weapon, I've got these knives that I can create of my very own - at will. That's pretty cool right.
Psychic Warrior: So, how do we do this? Shall I tell you about Claws of the Beast which lasts for ages, or do I tell you about Call Weaponry which lets me have any weapon I want. Or shall I go on about how I can enhance any of these two abilities to make them better or magical.
Soulknife: Hey, so can I.
Psychic Warrior: But mine are better. Did I tell you that I can other psionic powers too? That have nothing to do with weapons? Essientially making you just a one-trick pony, right?
Soulknife: Hey, I can throw my knives...
Psychic Warrior: Hey, yeah...Good job. Like I said, I can create any weapon I want, I'll just make a knife, use Expansion then I'll cast Truevenom on my weapon, then I'll Psionic Dimesion Door and then stab somebody for ridiculous amounts of damage.
Soulknife: Hey, well....*cry*

Psychic Warrior: (To Jane) Do I tell him about my bonus feats?

Trizap
2008-08-22, 07:22 PM
Yay! Pun-Pun slays yet another thread!! All hail the almighty Pun-Pun!!!
:biggrin:
Sorry, but they have a Size 7 font. Somebody's gotta use it.

............I now hate pun-pun for ruining good comedy. die kobold, die!!!

chiasaur11
2008-08-22, 07:25 PM
Soulknife: So, I don't need a weapon, I've got these knives that I can create of my very own - at will. That's pretty cool right.
Psychic Warrior: So, how do we do this? Shall I tell you about Claws of the Best which lasts for ages, or do I tell you about Call Weaponry which lets me have any weapon I want. Or shall I go on about how I can enhance any of these two abilities to make them better or magical.
Soulknife: Hey, so can I.
Psychic Warrior: But mine are better. Did I tell you that I can other psionic powers too? That have nothing to do with weapons? Essientially making you just a one-trick pony, right?
Soulknife: Hey, I can throw my knives...
Psychic Warrior: Hey, yeah...Good job. Like I said, I can create any weapon I want, I'll just make a knife, use Expansion then I'll cast Truevenom on my weapon, then I'll Psionic Dimesion Door and then stab somebody for ridiculous amounts of damage.
Soulknife: Hey, well....*cry*

Psychic Warrior: (To Jane) Do I tell him about my bonus feats?

Don't mock the poor guy.

Tell him he's awesome, and then don't help him when the monsters eat his liver.

Then mock the corpse.

Fiendish_Dire_Moose
2008-08-22, 07:45 PM
Wizard: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! MAKE IT STOP!
Therapist: What's his problem?
Fighter:*scratches neck before putting cigarette out in own eye* He's, seen some ****. **** that ain't no man s'pposed to see.
Therapist: Go on.
Fighter: We came upon this gelatinous cube right, had a dead gibbering mouther in it see. Only, after it absorbed the wizard, the mouther began attacking him! This thing wasn't eaten, it was symbiotic! Do you know what it's like to have to fight a gibbering mouther inside a gelatinous cube?
Wizard:*Screams.*
Bard: Oh shush you, you think that's bad.... Imagine what I've had to use my diplomacy checks for. No amount of attonement spells will make me feel clean again.

chiasaur11
2008-08-22, 07:55 PM
Wizard: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! MAKE IT STOP!
Therapist: What's his problem?
Fighter:*scratches neck before putting cigarette out in own eye* He's, seen some ****. **** that ain't no man s'pposed to see.
Therapist: Go on.
Fighter: We came upon this gelatinous cube right, had a dead gibbering mouther in it see. Only, after it absorbed the wizard, the mouther began attacking him! This thing wasn't eaten, it was symbiotic! Do you know what it's like to have to fight a gibbering mouther inside a gelatinous cube?
Wizard:*Screams.*
Bard: Oh shush you, you think that's bad.... Imagine what I've had to use my diplomacy checks for. No amount of attonement spells will make me feel clean again.

I both want to know more, and wish I had brain bleach.

hotel_papa
2008-08-22, 08:17 PM
Hellbred: Does... does anyone remember me? Did anyone ever notice me here? 0 LA with special powers and all the angst you could want! I have all the makings of a brooding, dark adventurer right here, and I get no love!

Mongrelfolk: Seriously, dude? You need to shut up. You need to shut up right now.

Fizban
2008-08-22, 08:33 PM
I both want to know more, and wish I had brain bleach.

Well there is a symbiotic template...or I think a Gibbering Mouther that's also Half Dragon might be able to pull it off (Black: acid and paralyisis immunity, cube engulfs to no effect).

Dragon: Hey, we may get around, but that was not my idea, the Beguiler made me do it!
Beguiler: Well if the PC's are going to complain I've got to use those left over spell slots for something.

Duke of URL
2008-08-22, 08:57 PM
ok, lets get back on topic.........

Samurai:Its so unfair, I have to be Lawful Good, an uptight strict rules guy, I can't cast any spells, I have to wear armor that slows me down, I *must* use my Katana, and what do I get? nothing! nothing! I'm a walking bag of suckage! even the fighter is better than me, and I'm supposed to be an Eastern version of him, and even then, the fighter can just pretend to be me by putting samurai armor and getting a Katana, you get that? fighters make better samurai's than samurai's!! and even then they aren't bound by alignment restrictions, how freaked up is that?

Fighter: Well, it's true you suck worse than I do, but remember that a Cleric makes a better Fighter than a Fighter. So, I know where you're coming from dude... I know.

---

Dragon: You know, we used to be these mythic, noble creatures that were the stuff of legends. Okay, it's no fun to be hunted, but the title "dragonslayer" used to mean something. Something epic. Look at us now -- "triple treasure" is all anyone really thinks of us. Other creatures are considered more canonical. Seriously, WTF is a "terrasque" anyway?

Therapist: Talk it out... this is healthy...

Dragon: Healthy? Do you think it's healthy how far we've fallen? And my brethren don't help -- have you seen how many different races have dragon blood in their lineage now? Is there anything a dragon won't **** these days?

chiasaur11
2008-08-22, 09:12 PM
Terrasque: Roar....
Gwar roar. Grwarf.
sniff...

Jane: So, the wizard did what?

SCPRedMage
2008-08-22, 09:20 PM
Terrasque: Roar....
Gwar roar. Grwarf.
sniff...

Jane: So, the wizard did what?
I don't know what, but one thing's for sure...

A wizard did it (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AWizardDidIt).

Moose Fisher
2008-08-22, 09:22 PM
Dragonborn: I still don't know why we don't have tails...

Tiefling: Oh boo-hoo! Do you know what it's like for us Tieflings now? Before, some of us could hide thier appearance. Now, we can't walk down the street without some paladin eyeing us.

Dragonborn: Can't paladins be any alignment now?

Tiefling: Doesn't matter, they'll still stare at you for SOME reason.

chiasaur11
2008-08-22, 09:29 PM
Paladin: I don't get it. I'm a champion of the people, a hero of the highest caliber. The recruiter from the church of Pelor said that a Paladin was what every kid wants to be when he grows up. So why do all my party members get shifty and hide things when I show up? I thought we were all working for the greater good.

DiscipleofBob
2008-08-22, 09:34 PM
I don't think Diplomacy works on PCs. And shouldn't the PC get a saving throw for being forced to do something that is 1) agaisnt her nature and 2) possibly suicidal (depending on how many other women the man has slept with)

Unfortunately, this depends on the DM. I once had the unfortunate experience to play with a Changeling Rogue who would try to seduce every party member of either gender at some point or another with separate forms and Bluff checks (using the rationale that he didn't actually mean any of the flattering things he was saying) and the DM let him get away with it. The DM allowed it, and basically the saving throw was a Sense Motive check (and not everyone in the party could have high ranks in it while the changeling had a maxed out Bluff). Needless to say, my character didn't pursue much in the way of romantic relationships with any character, PC or NPC.

Here's another one for the thread:

Ninja: I feel as if no one in the party pays attention to me, like I'm invisible to the rest of the world or something.
Jane: Well, it seems Ryu-san couldn't make it today...
Ninja: I'M RIGHT HERE, DAMNIT!

chiasaur11
2008-08-22, 09:38 PM
Unfortunately, this depends on the DM. I once had the unfortunate experience to play with a Changeling Rogue who would try to seduce every party member of either gender at some point or another with separate forms and Bluff checks (using the rationale that he didn't actually mean any of the flattering things he was saying) and the DM let him get away with it. The DM allowed it, and basically the saving throw was a Sense Motive check (and not everyone in the party could have high ranks in it while the changeling had a maxed out Bluff). Needless to say, my character didn't pursue much in the way of romantic relationships with any character, PC or NPC.

Here's another one for the thread:

Ninja: I feel as if no one in the party pays attention to me, like I'm invisible to the rest of the world or something.
Jane: Well, it seems Ryu-san couldn't make it today...
Ninja: I'M RIGHT HERE, DAMNIT!


That is one very good ninja.
And some poor spot checks.

DiscipleofBob
2008-08-22, 09:42 PM
That is one very good ninja.
And some poor spot checks.

Not to mention the Move Silently checks while trying to explain his problem. :smallbiggrin:


Wizard: Well, all the changes to 4th edition have been overwhelming me, so I've had a lot of insomnia recently. I tried using Sleep on myself to get some shuteye, but usually about 6 or 12 seconds later I wake up, and I can only use that spell once per day!

Randel
2008-08-23, 12:34 AM
Paladin: I have a bit of a problem, I knew when I started down the path of truth and justice that it would be hard to keep noble and just. And I'm confident that Pelor knows enough about the day to day world that he may excuse the occasional human mistake... but my companions seem to have their own conception of how paladins work and its kind of distracting.

Tiefling rogue (whispering in his ear): Give it up. You know that trying to stick to some outdated code of honor will only end in pain. Lose those lousy levels and get something better like druid or ranger!

Aasimar fighter (talking into his other ear): Don't listen to that cur! We must strive always to rise above our base instincts and shine as a beacon of hope in these cruel times! Your honor will see you through any...

Tiefling: Will you listen to that jerk? No wonder they didn't make him a standard race in 4th edition! That overgrown pigeon has his head in the clouds. Lets head over to the bar and pick up some chicks before we head out to kill orcs.

Aasimar: Fiend! Your temptations will not sway us from...

Tiefling: Your name sounds like buttocks!

Paladin: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!?


*************

Warforged: I wanna be a real boy!

Wizard (looking over a pile of slaughtered bar patrons): I think your 'good deed' quota may be too far in the red for that.

*************

Lich: Well, how do I put this... When I first became a Lich and sealed my soul in my phylactery, I naturally went about setting up a really big and complicated trap system to keep adventurers from ever getting it.

Jane: Oh, and what's the problem.

Lich: While I was working on one of my nasty teleportation traps, I somehow lost track of where my phylactery went off to. I... I just know its sitting in that big Tomb of Horrors on a shelf or something and I can't risk going in there without setting off some diabolical engine of destruction!

Jane: But... wouldn't you just reform next to your phylactery if something happened?

Lich: What? let myself form naked and defenseless in that horrible place? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I PUT IN THERE!

*shivers*

Jane: Well, maybe you could hire some adventurers to go in and get your phylactery back for you.

Lich: .... you know, that might actually work.

Fiendish_Dire_Moose
2008-08-23, 12:55 AM
Lich: Well, how do I put this... When I first became a Lich and sealed my soul in my phylactery, I naturally went about setting up a really big and complicated trap system to keep adventurers from ever getting it.

Jane: Oh, and what's the problem.

Lich: While I was working on one of my nasty teleportation traps, I somehow lost track of where my phylactery went off to. I... I just know its sitting in that big Tomb of Horrors on a shelf or something and I can't risk going in there without setting off some diabolical engine of destruction!

Jane: But... wouldn't you just reform next to your phylactery if something happened?

Lich: What? let myself form naked and defenseless in that horrible place? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I PUT IN THERE!

*shivers*

Jane: Well, maybe you could hire some adventurers to go in and get your phylactery back for you.

Lich: .... you know, that might actually work.

As coroner, I now present you with an intarwebs.

Thoughtbot360
2008-08-23, 01:07 AM
Lich: Well, how do I put this... When I first became a Lich and sealed my soul in my phylactery, I naturally went about setting up a really big and complicated trap system to keep adventurers from ever getting it.

Jane: Oh, and what's the problem.

Lich: While I was working on one of my nasty teleportation traps, I somehow lost track of where my phylactery went off to. I... I just know its sitting in that big Tomb of Horrors on a shelf or something and I can't risk going in there without setting off some diabolical engine of destruction!

Jane: But... wouldn't you just reform next to your phylactery if something happened?

Lich: What? let myself form naked and defenseless in that horrible place? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I PUT IN THERE!

*shivers*

Jane: Well, maybe you could hire some adventurers to go in and get your phylactery back for you.

Lich: .... you know, that might actually work.


ToH Survivor: No. No it won't. The only reason I'm alive is because I tried to disarm a trap with a bag of holding filled to the brim with alchemist fire and a portable hole, which had the result of me setting the trap off, blowing a whole in the wall, and causing a bit of the tomb to collapse in just such a way that cut my party off from me, and leaving me ten feet underground. The details still confuse me...the GM had like, lots of house rules. Anyway, I never heard from my party again, but I'm giving to understand that the Cleric went *pop* from an attack-that he received while at full health and a crapload of temporary hitpoints from a buff.

Enlong
2008-08-23, 01:17 AM
ToH Survivor: No. No it won't. The only reason I'm alive is because I tried to disarm a trap with a bag of holding filled to the brim with alchemist fire and a portable hole, which had the result of me setting the trap off, blowing a whole in the wall, and causing a bit of the tomb to collapse in just such a way that cut my party off from me, and leaving me ten feet underground. The details still confuse me...the GM had like, lots of house rules. Anyway, I never heard from my party again, but I'm giving to understand that the Cleric went *pop* from an attack-that he received while at full health and a crapload of temporary hitpoints from a buff.

Positive Energy heal-pop, perhaps?

Pie Guy
2008-08-23, 08:53 AM
Monk with true seeing wand: I just feel like something invisible is always around me.

Moose Fisher
2008-08-23, 11:35 AM
Another Lich: I have phylactery problems also.

Jane: Go on...

Another Lich: Well, I wanted to make sure my soul was safe...

Jane: Mmmhmmm.

Another Lich: So I made an advanced Flesh Golem and made it my phylactery.

Jane: Did the Flesh Golem wander off?

Another Lich: No! It went berserk and won't leave me alone!

*Flesh Golem bursts through wall*

Another Lich: Unholy Gods, it's going to kill me again!

[Insert Benny Hill chase sequence]

Mina Kobold
2008-08-23, 12:10 PM
kobold: I got a idea I charm the DM.
barbarian: tha's not nise,
kobold: your right let's start a adventure party and have some great time.
barbarian: hurraih.
Jane:*snif*

The Rose Dragon
2008-08-23, 12:24 PM
Vata'an spirit dancer: So, hi.

Others: HI, SPIRIT DANCER!

VSD: So, my problem is, no one's ever heard of me. I mean, I'm from this game inspired by romantic fantasy, as opposed to high fantasy, right? Blue Rose, they call it? However, it would seem that no one wants to play me. Or the game I'm in. I mean, I'm rhy-bonded to this leopard-sized siamese cat and I revere the gay lord Hiathas, who is ten shades of awesome - I mean, ever heard of a gay god in D&D? - but no one ever plays me! I'm the most awesome thing to have ever existed, dammit! Why doesn't anyone play me?!

Winged Whisper Gnome Vampire Ardent / Ninja: Preaching to the choir, bro'.

Conners
2008-08-23, 12:33 PM
Drow: Hi. I'm a drow, who dual-wields, and forsook my people to see the wonders of the surface and... I'm having an identity crisis.
Jane: Oh yes, there are many drow who have felt that was since the Dark Elf Trilogy, it passes with role playi-
Drow: But my name's Drizzt Do'Urden!
Jane: .......
Drizzt: Stop looking at me like that! I'm a Chaotic Evil Rogue, dammit!!

As interesting trivia, I actually do have a character with the above concept (with a different personality).

----------------------------

Kremel: Helloses! Kremel is Kremel, Kremel is Kobold. Al the other peopleses speak bad Comonly Englishness, and Kremel has to puts up with itsit.
Jane: Erm... yes, speaking differences are troubling but can be overcome if you discuss your feelings with the group. Please, Kremel, what do you feel?
Kremel: ... Kremel STABS YOU! STABS YOU HE WILL WITH HIS SPEAR!!!! LIGHTININGY BOLTSESEZ!!!!

.... That is also a character I have, travelling with previous character (only Kremel's personality here is pretty much spot on).

---------------------------

Gnolley: Grah rah rah, grah ruff rah.
Jane: So you are having trouble with the fact that your group thinks you can speak common, and are pressuring you into doing so?
Gnolley: Rahg, rahg grr-gra. Rah RAH rawr, rhah raw rah.
Jane: "No, I am having trouble with the fact that they think you can understand common,"?
Gnolley: Rah-huh!
Jane: But... can't you understand what I'm saying?
Gnolley: *Shakes head*
Jane: Then, how did you answer me just now?
Gnolley: Rah grah rerr GRAH rah ragh (What are you talking about)? *Looks at Jane as though she's a freak*
Jane: .... Perhaps we should move onto something else?

Also a character in the same party, and can't understand a word anyone else is saying, he claims.

-----------------------------

Galver: Greetings, I'm a Troglodyte Paladin.
Jane: Hello Galver. Are you having trouble with conversing with other paladins do to issues of your... unique background?
Galver: Well, not so much that... It's more that a member of my group does not agree with some of my methods.
Jane: Can you please describe some of the issues?
Galver: Well, it all began when I first joined the party. I wanted to kill the Drow, Kobold and Gnoll (you can never trust gnolls with bad grammar) in their sleep, by slitting their throats with one of the drow rogue's daggers, but the member in question forbid me from doing so...
Jane: .... How are relations with your patron deity?
Galver: My sovereign of Olympus is still no speaking to me after failing.
Jane: ............

Again, an actual character in same party--he tried to do this.

hotel_papa
2008-08-23, 01:43 PM
Psiforged, rocking back and forth...

I'm not my own race, I'm not even a template. I'm not my own race, I'm not even a template. I'm not my own race, I'm not even a template. I'm not my own race, I'm not even a template...

Randel
2008-08-23, 06:03 PM
A man painfully walks into the room covered in bandages, has an eyepatch, and a crutch. He carefully sits down.

Man: I have a bit of a problem.

Jane: Goodess, I should say so. Are you an adventurer of some kind.

Man: *winces* Em no, I'm just a regular guy. I try to stay away from those kinds of things. *groans from the pain* But I guess I got caught up in the violence.

Jane: That is regrettable. In a world like this its all too often that disaster hits us due to no fault of our own.

Man: Well... I know that. But I think I am partially responsible for what happened. I... well... the thing is that I have trouble telling the difference between halflings and children. I guess the halfling rogue I ran into took offense at that.

Jane: What? A halfling beat you up because you mistook him for a little kid?

Man: Uh yeah... see, I'm from NAMBLA.

*****************

Changeling: I think I'm having an identity crisis.

Mimic: (disguised as a chair) Preachin' to the choir.

*****************

Halfling: Hello everyone, as you can see I'm a halfling.

Man from NAMBLA: Please don't hurt me.

Halfling: *ahem* As you might expect, people tend to mistake me for a little kid. Its kind of a bother (can't count how many times some old granny tries pinching my cheeks, ugh!) but I try not to let it get to me.

Jane: Well, that is good. It can be annoying when people treat you like a child.

Halfling: Oh yes. Anyway, regardless of my size I'm still a pretty tough guy. I can fight orcs, disarm traps, and do all the stuff any adventurer twice my size can do, and I've got the money that that brings.

Jane: Go on.

Halfling: But then once the day is done and we head back to town. Get washed up, sell our loot and then head to the tavern to relax... and I see the paladin over there in the corner with girls swooning over his big shiny armor... and the barbarian over on the other side with amazons listening to his mangled recollections of what he thinks we've been doing the last few day.

Jane: Umm...

Halfling: I mean... come on! I'm just as awesome as these other guys! And I know there are some good looking bar wenches there. And at my size they're like... twice as good looking.

Jane: Perhaps we should go on to the next per...

Halfling: Think about it! To a medium sized guy, these ladies are 'Va Va Voom!' but to me, they've gotta be 'Va Va Voom Voom!' (holds his arms out wide)

Jane: I think the warforged over there has a problem.

Warforged: (smoking a cigar while picking the pockets of the others in the room.) No I don't.

Halfling: But do they even look at me? No! They just pat my head and say how cute I am. With all the half-orcs and half elves and centaurs and half-dragons and...

Jane: (looking at the warforged) No, I'm pretty sure you have a problem. A Kleptomania problem.

Warforged: Hey I'm only doing what I was programmed to do! Besides, I can quit any time I want. (starts prying dragonshards out of the everbright lanterns that light the room)

Halfling: ... and harpies and green hags and mermaids and all those weirdos who are somehow distantly related to air giants or fire genies or some other creature that would probably kill someone just by being in close proximity to them. Heck there's even a Lich-loved feat somewhere...

Jane: Oh really? Well why don't you quit right now?

Warforged: Cause I don't want to. Besides, my switch is set on 'Evil' (points to a switch on his back. Keeps stealing.)

Halfling: But noooo... can't have and half-halflings running around! Goblins are fair game because they're green and freaky looking but us halflings get left on the sidelines because people think we look like little kids.

Jane: (tries to flip the switch over to 'good') Wait a minute... this switch is fake! It's just drawn on... in crayon!

Warforged: Yeah, funny how that works. (heads for the door)

Halfling: *sniff* I think I need a hug.

Guy from NAMBLA: (leans over)

Halfling: (holds up hand) Not from you.

Thoughtbot360
2008-08-23, 07:20 PM
Warforged: (smoking a cigar while picking the pockets of the others in the room.) No I don't.

OMG...Bender!?

Jayngfet
2008-08-24, 07:28 PM
Warforged:It's me, Bender!

Kiren
2008-08-24, 07:33 PM
Joey:Sniff Sniff, so I didn't get that resurrection spell and now.... Im a ghost, its
so hard, I can't pick up a sword or fight a Tarrasque... its so difficult now.....

Zeta Kai
2008-08-25, 08:40 AM
Joey:Sniff Sniff, so I didn't get that resurrection spell and now.... Im a ghost, its
so hard, I can't pick up a sword or fight a Tarrasque... its so difficult now.....

To be fair, the Tarrasque can harm you, either.

Kiren
2008-08-27, 12:55 AM
Truenamer: So I was just... minding my business, my party ran out of money and entered me in a spelling bee, I lost to a barbarian!!! *Sob* I feel so worthless now....

Thrud
2008-08-27, 01:32 AM
Rules Lawyer - So, there I was, just pointing out how the monster that was attacking me was acting completely incorrectly and doing things that shouldn't be possible, when suddenly I was struck by a bolt of lightning from the sky!

Jane- Huh, that shouldn't be possib. . .

*ZOT*

Trizap
2008-08-27, 02:14 AM
Orc Barbarian: everyone teases me, saying stuff like "hulk smash"
and "Hulk very angry!" and I don't like it, this stereotype, I'm not the Hulk! I'm an Orc Barbarian, sure, but I'm not that stupid and I don't talk like that, help?
Jane: but to be fair you were kind of asking for it when became one.
Orc Barbarian:.......are saying I made a stupid decision?
Jane: well I'd say...um.....well I think it wasn't really wise....
Orc Barbarian: ARE YOU CALLING ME STUPID!?!
Jane: well...no......um.......I.....
Orc Barbarian:ORC SMASH PUNY JANE!