View Full Version : My (hopefully) Woderful story

2006-09-27, 09:57 PM
This is going to be a little bit long, so make sure have a minute or two to read this. This is the introduction to The Night Riders.
Hope you like it!

The Night Riders
Jean Wright

The dusty full moon hung high in the sky, giving off dim light to the sleeping world. Sleeping, all except for a dark horse walking quietly threw the moon light. Its rider wore a dark cape, and kept their hood up. The horse stopped, and silently stood. The hooded rider looked up at the moon, and the hood slipped down onto their shoulders. It was to dark to see any facial expression, only an outline. But it was enough to tell that the dark cloaked figure was a man, with tangled shoulder length hair, with a tight braid at the front. A twig suddenly snapped a few feet away, and the dark man turned sharply to face another dark cloaked figure as it stepped out of the shadows. “It’s me, Rashion.” The cloaked shadow pulled down its hood to reveal a young boys face. Rashion sighed. “Anton, I was hoping you’d come tonight. I’ve been waiting for you every night for the past three nights. You bring news from the MidNighters?” Anton nodded. “Yes sir. The MidNighters said to tell you that they went to the local village last night. Something about the Moons Shadow passing over the Sun’s power on the birthday of the NightGirl.” Rashion nodded slowly. “Of course. They mentioned this mission last full moon. Did it work?” Anton’s shoulders slumped. “No, it didn’t. They couldn’t get past the village gate guards in time. The moon’s power fell and sun was back in full light before they could fight through. The NightGirl was sent to the finishing school at the old castle.” Rashion shook his head in dismay and looked up at they moon above their heads. Anton looked sadly stared down at his feet. “She was our last hope.” Rashion shook his head. “She has not failed us yet. Look at the moon.” Anton bent his head back to look at the glowing moon. “The moon shines dim, but has not died. There’s still hope. There is another way.” Rashion brought his gaze back down on Anton, who was still staring up at the moon. “Anton.” Rashion said. Anton let his eyes fall down to look at Rashion. “Go back to the MidNighters cave. Tell them to let fate do its work. And to not give up hope.” Anton dipped his head respectively. “Yes, sir.” And he turned around to crawl silently back into the shadows. Rashion stared into the shadows where Anton had disappeared. “The Night Riders will live on.” He whispered to the night. Rashion glanced back up at the moon. “The moon foresees it.”

And that's all I ahve for now. Hope you like it! Please comment on it! I'd love to improve it!

Thanks for your time!

2006-09-29, 04:37 AM

That would be my main criticism - break it up into several paragraphs, rather than just one big block of text.

Also, capital letters in the middle of words make it look like a brand name. Either seperate the two words (possibly hyphenate them), or remove the central capitals.

Therefore, Midnighters (you don't write MidNight, do you?), and night-girl.

Apart from that, pretty good.

2006-10-02, 03:22 PM
The story is pretty good, and i agree with X-axis, paragraphs would be nice.

2006-10-03, 06:43 PM
Thanks for the coments. i'll try to brake it into paragraphs. I'm writting Chapter One of the Night Riders, so stay tuned!

2006-10-03, 08:46 PM
And the reason it is spelled "MidNighters," is because it's the name of a group (that i'll discribe later in the story. And, I like it that way.

2006-10-06, 09:40 PM
The moment youve all been waiting for, here's chapter 1 of The Night Riders. Enjoy!!

Chapter 1:
From maid to Knight

Ellistta poked herself with her embroidery needle. “Ouch!” She put her bleeding thumb in her mouth. ‘I’m ten and I still can’t embroider and stupid rose.’ She thought bitterly.
She looked out of the window at the star blanketed sky. ‘It’s got to be close to sleep preparing.’
Ellistta rubbed her eyes with the hand that wasn’t still in her mouth. She was getting unbelievably tired. And her fingers were raw and red with blood. So was the needle tip.
“All right, Ladies. Time to put away your sewing. The sun as set.” Ellistta looked down at her sewing. ‘Mine looks more like a war field.’ She thought in disgust. She stabbed the needle into the fabric and laid it on the mistress’s desk.
Sewing Mistress looked at her handy work with a disapproving eye. Thankfully, she had given up punishing Ellistta a year ago. Ellistta let out a large breath and headed off to bed. Everyone around her was walking gracefully up the stairs, backs straight, heads held high. Ellistta slouched and looked down at her feet as she climbed the hundreds of steps up to the rooms.
“Ellistta, you walk like the boys!” The girls giggled. Ellistta snorted.
“No I don’t. I’m not fencing with a shining sword.” She lunged with an imaginary sword. All the finished young girls mumbled disapprovingly and hurried quickly up the stairs. Ellistta put her invisible sword in its scabbard and continued climbing the stairs.
She hated being finished and a girl. She wished she were being trained as a squire and a boy. She sighed. Boys always had more fun, and they never had to learn how to sew. ‘They get swords; we get a needle and thread.’ Ellistta thought, angrily pushing open her room door. She collapsed on her bed and blow out the candle. The room grew dark, and Ellistta turned over in her bed.
‘Another day, gone.’ She buried her face in her pillow. ‘Too many more to go. When will this end?’ Ellistta lay there with her face in her pillow for hours, breathing in the little air. She turned over into a more comfortable position, her eyes closed. The door opened. Ellistta kept her eyes closed. ‘It can’t be morning already.’ She thought tiredly.
“So, this is her?” A man whispered, surprised and disappointed.
“What, you thought she’d look like a MidNighter already?” Another man teased.
“No, Hamur.” The first man whispered meekly. “I just thought… you know…” Hamur sighed.
“Anton, two years of training, and you still haven’t learned, have you? She’s only ten.” Anton cleared his throat.
“I know that, Hamur, sir.”
“Well, let’s hurry. We need to get her out of here. Or have you forgotten?”
“Oh no, sir.” Anton replied hastily, picking Ellistta up carefully. Ellistta felt her heart pounding. Where were these men going to take her?
“Man, she hardly weighs anything, Hamur. She fells like air.”
“Keep your voice down a little, Anton. You’re fifteen, and you can’t keep quiet.” Ellistta felt herself being carried down the stairs, and heard Hamur closing her room door and silently follow Anton down the stairs. Her fear rose the farther away she was carried from her room. What was going to do with her? Was she being kidnapped?
She felt Anton climbing another flight of stairs. “This is the right door, isn’t it, Hamur?”
Hamur opened a door. “Of course it is. Now hurry, before she wakes up.” Anton took a few steps into the room and laid Ellistta on a soft mattress.
“Now what do we do?” Anton asked.
“We wait, that’s what we do.” Hamur said, closing the door. Ellistta sat up in bed and looked around the room with a wide eye. It looked less lady-like than her finishing school room. She took a look at the clothes in the open dresser. Shirts and pants. This diffidently wasn’t a ladies room. But, judging by how far those two men had taken her, she was still in the old castle.
She suddenly noticed something hanging on her bed post. She crawled to the end of her bed and lifted it off. It was a sword. With a sudden jolt in the pit of her stomach, Ellistta realized where she was.
She was in a room of a squire, on the other end of the castle. She was at the Knight’s school. She laid her sword on her bed in a daze and settled back in her new bed. As she lay there, staring at the ceiling; Ellistta knew only one thing. Even though she had no clue what the two men were talking about, Ellistta was the luckiest girl alive. She yawned.
She was no longer an unfinished maiden. She had become a squire.

Like it? I hope so. Any comments, feel free to say them. I have tons of room for improvemet. Stay tuned for Chapter two!!!!

2006-10-06, 09:43 PM
I just read the two repies posted here, and I have one question: What do you both mean by my story is "pretty good"?
Just asking.

2006-10-07, 07:02 AM
Firstly, the positive: Well done for including paragraphs, good work.

A few, minor points...

I’m ten and I still can’t embroider and stupid rose.
It's not quite clear what you mean by 'stupid rose' - at least to me. Is it a rose she's trying to embroider? If so, that should be a little clearer.
Also, it's not particularly correct to have to 'and's in a sentence - if I were you, I would end the sentence at embroider, and remove the second and. That would mean "I'm ten, and I still can't embroider! Stupid rose."

Ellistta lay there with her face in her pillow for hours, breathing in the little air. She turned over into a more comfortable position, her eyes closed. The door opened. Ellistta kept her eyes closed. ‘It can’t be morning already.’ She thought tiredly.

You should probably make a new paragraph partly through this - seperate the two events. This would work after 'Eyes closed'. This stops the reader missing a bit and keep the events seperate. Apart from that, your paragraphing has been fine.
Also, there's no need to capitalise 'She' after speech - it might be an accident, but the speech/thought and the description of her speaking/thinking it are still part of the same sentence. The same is true in other times.
For example,
"'Speech speech speech speech.' he said." instead of "'Speech speech speech speech.' He said."

“We wait, that’s what we do.” Hamur said, closing the door. Ellistta sat up in bed...
I would end the paragraph after door.

Those are fairly minor grammatical points, though, and apart from that I'm enjoying this story.

As for the 'pretty good' thing, it simply means it's good, but has some problems that stop it being great (many of which I addressed in my post).

2006-10-07, 02:45 PM
Just so you know, must of those mistakes you were talking about are typos. Stupid me! Working on Chapter 2. It's going well, so far.

2006-10-08, 04:19 PM