Really stupid DnD Jokes

[Ghill]

This is the effect of staying up late at night and posting on forums...


DM: "All right, the campaigners have arrived in the town square, they are about to begin. Everybody roll Sense Motive."

Witty replies to this?

[13_CBS]

Let me be the first to say:

*Ba dum pish*

[Flickerdart]

The trick is to determine whether the politicians are rolling Diplomacy or Bluff.

[Pocketa]

I say somebody homebrews the candidates into a class!

[13_CBS]

We should try to keep out of actual political territory, however. I think the mods disapprove of political satire as well.

[Pyro]

Haha I looked at this confused for a few seconds thinking "What does that have to do with electrons?" :smallconfused:

But as far as bad jokes go, my friends and I have made plenty worse.

Why is it called when one oak betrays another?

Treeson!

Why couldn't the saxes run in the marathon?

They were altos!

There are two nuts. The first is chasing the second in a game of tag. What does the first say to the second?

I'm gonna cashew!

Why didn't the man drive to the local chinese restaurant?

He wanted a wok!

The scary thing is that I have more...

[ColonelFuster]

Bravo, Pyro! That was truly, terrifyingly punny.

[SoD]

What do you get when you cross a politician with a nuclear bomb?

Political Fallout!

[Dallas-Dakota]

This is the effect of staying up late at night and posting on forums...



Witty replies to this?

:elan: Dun dun dun!

[Thanatos 51-50]

I GOT A 4!

[celestialkin]

There are two nuts. The first is chasing the second in a game of tag. What does the first say to the second?

I'm gonna cashew!


I actually laughed at this one.



Why couldn't the saxes run in the marathon?

They were altos!


Is it bad I have no clue what a saxes is, or get the answer at a;;?

[Thufir]

Is it bad I have no clue what a saxes is, or get the answer at a;;?

Sax. Short for saxophone. I still don't get the punchline, though. Some marathon terminology with which I'm not familiar, or is it something really obvious I'm just missing?

[Thanatos 51-50]

"They were All Toes" Is what I seem to get. More confusing than groan-worthy.

[Pyro]

Yes the punchline is they were all toes. Sorry if was confusing; I thought more people knew a sax was short for saxophone. In my opinion the cashews one was more of a stretch anyway.

I also made another one last night.

What is the favorite food of the health conscious zombie?

BRAAAAAANS

[Pandaren]

"They were All Toes" Is what I seem to get. More confusing than groan-worthy.

Not that confusing if you know what a sax and alto are.

I feel like slapping my knee....but...internet....yeah.

[Thanatos 51-50]

I know my saxes and my altos - just wondering why "All toes" marching is funny, ya know?

[BizzaroStormy]

I point out to the king that there are people in the town square attempting to usurp his power. He has them beheaded. I win

[Haruki-kun]

I didn't get the joke.... >.<

I did get Pyro's jokes, though. :smalltongue: Although I also needed to be explained "All Toes".

[burninnapalm]

I didn't get the joke.... >.<

I did get Pyro's jokes, though. :smalltongue: Although I also needed to be explained "All Toes".

i guess i am the only one that got the joke on the first take... i guess that is what happens when you are in college to be a music teacher...

warning the next jokes is for more mature audiences

sex is like math, add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope not to multiply

how many dead babies does it take to pain a house?

depends on how hard you throw them

[Flickerdart]

Yes the punchline is they were all toes. Sorry if was confusing; I thought more people knew a sax was short for saxophone. In my opinion the cashews one was more of a stretch anyway.

I also made another one last night.

What is the favorite food of the health conscious zombie?

BRAAAAAANS
I heard a different version of that joke.

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?
GRAAAAAAINS

[Pyro]

That one is much better than the one I did. I tip my hat to whoever created that version.

Okay fine...the altos joke is bad. It comes from the expression (I think) "I'm all toes" which (I think) is supposed to mean I'm clumsy with my hands, not feet. In my defense though my friend did that one. [/shifts blame]

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

It's like someone being 'All thumbs'.

[burninnapalm]

to be honest, i heard that joke in a different light... and it is a band geek joke so be forewarned

Why did the sax player miss his sixteenth note run while memorizing his placement in his marching set?

because he was alto

[Thanatos 51-50]

Well, we all know Altos aren't as cool as Tenors, but lets leave 'im alone, eh?

[Pyro]

It's like someone being 'All thumbs'.

Well see I thought I was right before then I thought I was wrong, then I was right but at the same time wrong again. You guys are just trying to screw me up on purpose aren't you?

And altos are too awesome!!

[burninnapalm]

eh, it is all about the bari's!

we pwn all of you higher pitched wanna be's :tongue:

[Pyro]

Yeah but treble clef looks cool. Bass clef...ehh not so much.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Keep bickering, Saxes. Trombones will pwn you all.

[burninnapalm]

bass clef is easier to read

besides, alto clef looks the coolest out of them all (i play an oboe as well)

[Pyro]

I dunno cuz I have an easy time converting sax notes to concert pitch. I also play bassoon and it so happens that a G on sax is on the same line as B flat on bassoon.

[burninnapalm]

i have found that once you learn the basics on woodwind, any woodwind is easy to learn because they use mostly the same fingerings.

[Pyro]

That's half true for me. It was easier to learn sax than bassoon because I already knew the basics. The fingerings don't really match up, but I still had an easy time learning them in comparison with some of the bassoon's craziness.

[burninnapalm]

i know, it isnt a prefect transition, it rarely is, but it is still easier to figure out what is what.


but this has gone WAY off topic


why did the chicken cross the road?

to escape the people that keep questioning its motives on why a fowl is crossing an intersection in the first place

[Arameus]

Well, we all know Altos aren't as cool as Tenors, but lets leave 'im alone, eh?

No. Tenor superiority, though already known and accepted as law by anyone on Earth of any quantifiable significance, must be proclaimed to the rest of the world, eg, anyone not formerly or currently a tenor.

And trombones? Here's some trombone jokes for you.

Know what's the difference between a dead country singer in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? The country singer might have been going to gig.

Know what the definition of a 'gentleman' is? Someone who knows how to play trombone but willingly doesn't.

Know what you call a thousand trombones at the bottom of the sea? A goo start.

And you damn baris, I delved into your dark art once, and I denounce it to the world henceforth.

Know what the difference between a lawn mower and a bari sax is? You can tune the lawnmower. It's got less vibrato, too. *Double take that!*

What I find funny, however, is that no one even bothers to bicker over the soprano sax's place in the order of things because, as we all know, they are on par with piccolo for most hated 'instrument.'

There is actually a function explaining this. I don't have the exact values figured out because they are not discretely quantifiable, but:

s=k/|r|

In which s is your instrument's significance, r is how far your instrument's range is removed form that of the tenor's (which is, of course, perfect), and k is the indefinable yet constant value that pulls the equation together.

Naturally, this means that the extremes of instrumentation like fife and tuba are, of course, worthless, but the equation is of course flawed because even instruments close to a tenor's range are worthless as well, simply because they approach perfection much more closely yet inevitably fail miserably. So says Bacon, "As it addeth deformity to an ape to be so like a man so the similitude of superstition to religion makes it the more deformed.'' And truly the tenor is the One True Instrument.

And if you think tenors are self-important, pray to Highest Tenordom that there are no trumpets on this message board, which is something I know we all hope anyway, but...

[Flickerdart]

I used to play trumpet. Needless to say, I was much too abysmal to be self-important. :smallbiggrin:

[Arameus]

Never stopped a trumpet before.

[chiasaur11]

You know, more bands should have trumpet sections.

Really gives a bit of zing.

[ocato]

And trombones? Here's some trombone jokes for you.

Know what's the difference between a dead country singer in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? The country singer might have been going to gig.

Know what the definition of a 'gentleman' is? Someone who knows how to play trombone but willingly doesn't.

Two points:

1. In high school I made a fair amount of money playing the trombone in a jazz band that did weddings, bar mitzvahs, some lame private school functions (and the worst prom ever) and so on. There were gigs, and roads on which to travel when visiting them.

2. I am now, officially, a Gentleman. Thank you everyone who made this possible: My old music teacher for sucking my interest away from the instrument, My family and Jebus, who always believed in me and my ability to quit, and of course, all the girls who didn't think trombone players were cool enough to make out with.

[celestialkin]

i know, it isnt a prefect transition, it rarely is, but it is still easier to figure out what is what.


but this has gone WAY off topic


why did the chicken cross the road?

to escape the people that keep questioning its motives on why a fowl is crossing an intersection in the first place

I laughed.

I liked the conversation. I always wanted to play an instrument, but sadly I am too old now. :smallfrown:

[Vella_Malachite]

Does anyone know this one?

There's a ship sailing across the North Sea. They're picking up something on the radar. One of the control-room operators picks up the radio and contacts them.
"Unknown ship, this is the SS Harriet (couldn't remember the real name). We would like you to alter your course 5 degrees North to avoid collision. Over."
An Irish voice comes back over the line.
"Nah, mate, you alter your course 5 degrees South."
The radio operator calls the Captain over. He picks up the radio and says:
"Son, this is the SS Harriet, and I am Captain Evans. This is the largest ship in the North Sea. We are carrying 2, 300 people and 12 tons worth of cargo (not actual amounts; I forgot the real ones again), and I will do everything in my power to protect them. We are armed with torpedoes. You will alter your course 5 degrees North."
There is silence for a moment, then the voice comes back over:
"This is a lighthouse, mate. Your call."

And more to come....

[mangosta71]

I've heard the lighthouse one. In the variation I remember, it's an admiral on a battleship and the guy in the lighthouse identifies himself as a corporal or ensign or some such other low rank.

[Voidhawk]

Know what the definition of a 'gentleman' is? Someone who knows how to play trombone but willingly doesn't.


I've heard that before, but in most versions it was the Bagpipes. Ah, an instrument who's optimal listening position is the next valley over...

[Pyro]

I've heard that before, but in most versions it was the Bagpipes. Ah, an instrument who's optimal listening position is the next valley over...

The bagpipes aren't THAT bad...:smallfrown:

[soozenw]

I love bagpipes...provided they are being played by someone that knows HOW.

[chiasaur11]

The bagpipes aren't THAT bad...:smallfrown:

Nah. It's just half a town over. Three quarters max.

[Pocketa]

Bagpipes joke was funny, because we played Apples to Apples at the Bay Area Meetup.

[SoD]

Right, music jokes? Got it:

A guy is trying to get his cousin together with a bloke from his brass band.

First try, Terry the trumpet player: he introduces them, and lets them go out for dinner. Later that night, when his cousin arrives home, he asks her: "So, how'd it go with Terry?" "Oh, it was alright. He seemed a decent enough guy, but when I tried to kiss him...I've never kissed anyone with lips that tight! It felt like they were glued together...there's no way it'd work out, I need someone with passion in his soul!"

Second try, a week later, Barry the Tubist: he introduces them, and lets them go out for dinner. Later that night, when his cousin arrives home, he asks her: "So, how'd it go with Barry?" "Even worse than last week!" "Tight lips again?" "No, even worse! Just the thought of those huge chops flapping makes me sudder! I need someone delicate!"

Third try, the next week, Daniel the French Horn player: he introduces them, and lets them go out for dinner. Later that night, when his cousin arrives home, he asks her: "So, how'd it go with Dan? Was he a decent kisser?" "Oh, he was average...but you should've seen the way he held me!"



How do trumpet players introduce themselves?
Hello, I'm better than you.

What do you do to a musician who can't play his instument?
Give him two sticks, put him up the back, and call him a drummer.

What do you do if he still can't play?
Take away one of his sticks, put him up front, call him a conductor!

[Edan]

In high school this was my band teacher's favorite one.

What is the difference between a band and a bull?
A bull has the horns in the front and the ass in the back.

[mangosta71]

Right, music jokes? Got it:

A guy is trying to get his cousin together with a bloke from his brass band.

First try, Terry the trumpet player: he introduces them, and lets them go out for dinner. Later that night, when his cousin arrives home, he asks her: "So, how'd it go with Terry?" "Oh, it was alright. He seemed a decent enough guy, but when I tried to kiss him...I've never kissed anyone with lips that tight! It felt like they were glued together...there's no way it'd work out, I need someone with passion in his soul!"

Second try, a week later, Barry the Tubist: he introduces them, and lets them go out for dinner. Later that night, when his cousin arrives home, he asks her: "So, how'd it go with Barry?" "Even worse than last week!" "Tight lips again?" "No, even worse! Just the thought of those huge chops flapping makes me sudder! I need someone delicate!"

Third try, the next week, Daniel the French Horn player: he introduces them, and lets them go out for dinner. Later that night, when his cousin arrives home, he asks her: "So, how'd it go with Dan? Was he a decent kisser?" "Oh, he was average...but you should've seen the way he held me!"

The thing I never understood about this one - the mouthpiece for a french horn is just as small as that of a trumpet. Wouldn't his dry little pucker be just as offensive? Should be a low brass player, mostly likely a euphonium so the holding thing still makes a little sense.

[Thanatos 51-50]

The thing I never understood about this one - the mouthpiece for a french horn is just as small as that of a trumpet. Wouldn't his dry little pucker be just as offensive? Should be a low brass player, mostly likely a euphonium so the holding thing still makes a little sense.

The version I heard was "But that thing he did with his hand!".
Also, French Horn mouthpiece is even smaller than a trumpet mouthpiece.

[Vella_Malachite]

This one wins my 'bad pun of the year' award almost for two years running.
You need real flair to get a truly offensive pun...

WARNING: Brain-meltingly bad pun!
A frog walks into a bank, and goes up to the desk. The lady at the desk, as he can see by her little name stand, is named Patricia Whack.
"Hello, Patricia." says the frog. "I'd like a loan."
"Errr...who are you?" says Patricia, not at all sure she's not hallucinating.
"My name's Kermit Jagger," says the frog. "My dad's Mick Jagger. The manager knows him."
"Fine, fine," says Patricia, head still spinning, "But I'll have to see the manager."
"That's OK," says Kermit. "Hold on, I'll give you this to use as collateral."
He hands her a small, exquisitely crafted pink elephant.
"Er...sure," says Patricia, taking the elephant.
She goes to the manager's office and tells him about it.
"There's a frog at my desk who wants to take out a loan, he says his name is Kermit Jagger, and you know his father, Mick Jagger?"
"Ah, yes, good old Mick"
"And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the elephant. "What is this, anyway?"
The manager says:
YE HAVE BEEN WARNED!
"It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan.
His old man was a Rolling Stone."

...please don't kill me...

[Pyro]

That was actually clever and made me smile. There's one I made up with such a blindingly obvious and bad punchline, it truly is horrible. I typed it up over IM for a friend, so I'll dig that out later for you people.

[Lupy]

At band camp I was one of four oboes. The conductor was giving us a hard time about tuning and finally says:

How do you tune four oboes?
Shoot three of 'em!

My only one, but the ones I read here are going to band class tomorrow... :smallamused:

[TheBST]

The fun part of those jokes is trying to figure out the punchline before it hits you.

Like this:

Two prawns; Fred and Christian, are floating around in the Atlantic, trying to lay low from predators. After one particularly close shave with a shark, Fred decides he's had it:

"Bugger THIS. I'm tired of being bottom of the food chain! I just wish I could be like those sharks- no worries, no fear of anyone bigger!"

A radiant light starts to appear from a reef below them, and a cod, glowing through the blackness of the depths, swims towards them. It announces:

"I have heard your plea, little one, and so it shall be granted"

The Cod dissappears in a flash. By the time Fred looks down- lo and behold he's been turned into a shark. But before he can get a word out, Christian flees for fear of being eaten by his best friend.

Naturally, Fred's bummed out. He wanders the sea for years, and, as shark,he leads a very lonely existence- everything that swims fears him except for whales who ignore him and other sharks who exclude him. From time to time he swims home, only for his old prawn friends to scarper at the sight of him.

After some time, tired of it all, he declares to the sea:

"I take it back! This was a all a mistake! Please, turn me back!"

The radiant light appears again, as does the cod, who intones "I have heard your plea, and so it shall be granted"

And so Fred returns to being a prawn. Delighted, he swims for his life back home- and eventually he tracks down Christian.

-"Chris! It's me!"
-"Get away from me! You're a shark now, our enemy!"
-"No, no! Look at me, everythings back to normal-
-I found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian".


What did the Drummer get on his I.Q test?
Drool

[Pyro]

The prawn one was pretty clever too. Why o why can't I make clever puns instead of hilariously bad ones.

[Prophaniti]

Ah, band jokes. Brings back memories.

Let's see if I can remember any, my apologies if they've been done already on here...

You're driving down the street and you see your conductor and the 1st chair violinist on the crosswalk. They're too far apart to hit both at once, so who do you hit first?
The conductor. Business before pleasure, after all.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
At least three. One to change it, and at least two to stand around and talk about how they could have done it better.

Another music/lightbulb joke (because there aren't enough of those)

How does a soprano (singer) change a lightbulb?
She stands underneathe it and the world turns around her.

Bagpipes are a practical joke the English played on the Scots that the Scots haven't caught on to yet...

I had more, but that's all I can remember right now...

[nhbdy]

Why can a wizard fly?

His BAB is so low he missed the ground when he jumped

answer is in white above highlight to see :smallsmile:

[The Orange Zergling]

What's the most perfect sound in the world?

[A banjo landing on an accordion in a dumpster.]

[llamamushroom]

Just in case anyone thought that the trumpet was universally loved, this sign was out the front of the Beijing Conservatorium of Music...
http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll80/llamamushroom/Sunday13AprilSchool040.jpg

Incidentally, the Soprano Sax rules every other kind. Full stop. It, however, is completely thrashed by the violin and viola, in that order, with the 'cello in there somewhere.

[nhbdy]

got a couple of jokes, i like these ones even though they were stollen from blue collar

There was a captain on his ship and the guy up on the crows nest yells "Enemy ship on the horizon" so the captain yells to his first mate "Bring me my red shirt!" so the first mate does and the captain puts it on and they fight a long battle but they were the winners. so after the battle the first mate asks "So captain, before the battle, why did you ask for your red shirt?" and the captain replies "so if i got shot, the crew wouldn't see me bleed and would fight on." so the the guy on the crow's nest yells "twenty enemy ships on the horizon!" and the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!"


two guys are talking about jobs they had
guy #1: "i used to work at a pickle factory."
guy #2: "how'd you get fired?"
warning joke for mature audiences only

guy#1: "i stuck my finger in the pickle slicer"
guy#2: "you stuck your finger in the pickle slicer?"
guy#1: "oh, she got fired too."

[AKA_Bait]

Ok, so here's a few of my favorite horrible jokes:

The Duck Joke
A duck walks into a bar. He goes over to the bartender, looks up at him and asks: "have you got any duckfood?" The bartentender replies that no, this is a bar, and they haven't any duckfood. The duck leaves.

The next day the duck returns, walks over to the bartender, looks up and asks: "have you got any duckfood?" The bartender sighs, and replies that "no, this is still a bar, and we still don't have duckfood." The duck leaves again.

The duck returns a third day, walks over to the bartender, looks up and asks: "have you got any duckfood?"

At this point, the bartender has had it with this duck. He yells back "Look, this is a bar! We don't have duckfood. We have never had duckfood. We are never going to have duckfood and the next time you come in here asking me for bloody duckfood I'm going to nail you by your little webbed feet to the floor!" The duck leaves again.

The following day the duck returns one more time. Walks in, looks up at the bartender and asks: "Do you have any nails?"

"Um, no?"

"Have you got any duckfood?"

The String Joke

A peice of string walks into a bar and demands a beer. The bartender looks down his nose at him and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve string in this establishment. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

The string, angry and dejected goes outside, tangles himself up and rubs himself against the curb. He then goes back inside and asks for a beer. The bartender again refuses, "I already told you! We don't serve string here!"

The string takes on a knowing look and replies I'm afraid not.

and my favorite joke that is funny for no reason I can comprehend:

The Penguin Joke

Two penguins are standing on an iceflow. The first penguin looks over at the second penguin and says:

"You know, you look like you are wearing a tuxedo."

The second penguin gives him a long appraising look and replies:

"What makes you think I'm not?"

I got tons of jokes like these, but they don't do so well over text.

[SoD]

Warning, the next joke is in bad taste:

Have you seen Ray Charles's Piano?

Neither has he!

[llamamushroom]

Was The Penguin Joke off A Prairie Home Companion?

[KuReshtin]

So, bad jokes..

A man walks into a bar:
'Ouch!', he said.

And back to the zombie jokes:

What was the dyslexic zombie called?
BRIIIIAAAAN!

[SDF]

What did Harrison Ford say to the chaotic evil outsider?

Get off my plane!