Funny D&D Stories

[Andraia]

Okay, I'm playing a pixie in this season's D&D Encounters game (Crystal Caverns or what ever) at my local comic book shop. She had the teeny target feet that allows her to get partial concealment when in an alies square, so she spends most encounters "hiding behind someone". One thing to know about me is that I will (almost) always pick an in-character action over a game-smart action. Most of the regulars I play with have this figured out already.

So a couple of weeks ago the characters are lurking around a pseudo-abandoned palice and we find one of the kids were looking for hiding under a trap door in the dining room. We talk him out and while the other characters try to gather some information from him, I explore the secret compartment for anything useful. While I was down there a troll stormed into the room and challenged the PCs to a fight for the boy.

Me: ... The pixie reaches up (I mime reaching up.) and pulls the trap door closed.
EveryoneElse: -stunned- ...
DM: ... Does she lock the door?
Me: Yes.
DM: -chuckling- You hear a series of clicking noises as the pixies locks herself into the secret compartment.

A few of the I proceed to spend the rest of the encounter hiding from the conflict and munching on my trail rations like popcorn xD .

[ZeroGear]

Dodger and Pan were still investigating the thefts, and they had led to two religious groups, one of goblins and the other hobgoblins. They had just been captured by the goblin cult and were being interrogated by the high priest.
After several failed bluff checks it come to this line:

Priest: How do we know you aren't spies for the flamies (the other group)?
Dodger: I'm too stupid to be a spy!

It took us a while to stop laughing.

[Andraia]

I think my first D&D campaign will forever be my favourite.



The party was as follows:

Ed, Human Pincushion Fighter: Ed was easily the only competent member of the party; he was the "leader" and only one who seemed to be able to kill anything. He was lawful good and very trusting (or very stupid, depending on how you look at it). His primary role was having orc children impale themselves on his spiky armour.
Orion, Elf Ranger: A ranger that couldn't track, couldn't fight, and couldn't tell when someone is lying to his face. He did however have a very good throwing arm. Oreo Orion also had an awful lot of stuff… its just never the stuff we actually needed. He is most notable for chucking a gnome fifty feet over a crowd of panicking onlookers and winning a tournament by chucking a ten pound sapphire at his opponent.
Saraya, Human Druid: Saraya took the vow of poverty and lives in the trees. She does not have any worldly possessions, including clothes. In theory she was the healer of the group but unless ‘healing’ is pummelling orgs with her walking stick, she did a rather poor job of it. She was neutral good and ridiculously optimistic. She is mostly referred to as ‘the naked lady’ or ‘the crazy one’.
Katnip, Gnome Rogue (played by me): Katnip wielded a crossbow and until near the end could not hit the broad side of a barn. Her true talent apparently lay in bold faced lying and relieving people (often her own teammates) of their money. She was most well known for shooting the druid in the ass, making three times more money than the rest of the party put together, reducing an entire city's population to tears, and the hoard of (noisy) cats that occasionally took to following her around.



Their first sort of job they did together was go out to find the village of the orcs who attacked the village we were staying in and... stop them from attacking the village again. On the way we ran into burning caravan that looked like it had been attacked by the orcs we were looking for. After a quick look around the wreck to see if there was anything valuable to be found (Katnip) or people to save (Ed) -- finding nothing, in both cases -- we decided to try and follow the tracks leading into the forest.

So we arrive at the orc camp (no thanks to our ranger's expert tracking abilities), slaughter everyone inside, and turn go back home... only to discover that since we didnt put out the burning caravan, we started a forest fire. This was an omen of things to come.

[deluxaran]

Many fun stories here. Had to make an account and add my 2 cents:

The first campaign ever played by me and my gf.
Party:
L: human fighter (later wizard due to self sacrifice)
N: goliath fighter
A: human psion of some sort (to this day no one find out how he made his build)
T: human monk with VoP
C: dward cleric
B: gnome bard (played by my gf)
R: human rogue(me)

Story1:
We were investigation some burial sites robbing when following the leads we are comming into Underdark at low level (think it was maximum 5). We see a city a couple of miles to the poin of exit and we go towards it. Town guards(drow and some other creatures) stop us and question our destination this is what follows
DM: Halt what are you doing here?
B: Oh, hi, my name is Rowin Namble Stumbleduck and I'm here to represent the Royal speological society and we are here to investigate this exquisite complex of caves and to take samples of rocks, flora and fauna.
DM::smallconfused: Roll for it
B:20 and with my bluff skill..(over 30)
DM: oook. And what are the ones with you supposed to be?( we were all armed to the teeth and beyond due some weird dm-ing like 1/4 xp or less and full loot)
B: just some protection for me, and muscle to help with the investigation. (roll 20)
DM: ok.. you may go in.

[Karoht]

So, party barbarian fails the knowledge roll to identify if these are goblins or hobgoblins that we're dealing with. The barbarian, in his low intellect kinda clever kinda way, devises a cunning method to go find out.

He walks up to the creature, manages to pose as just a bard seeking shelter for the night in exchange for entertainment. Rather than shoot him with crossbows, they decide to listen as he tells (what he thinks is) a riddle.

"Goblin and Hobgoblin are in a boat floating down the river. Goblin falls out, who's left?"
"Uh, Hobgoblin?"
"Guy's they're Hobs!"
*chop, chop*

After the very short and one sided battle.
"These are goblins, not hobgoblins. Also, that wasn't a riddle you asked. And since when do goblins like riddles anyway?"

[Kaveman26]

A friend was running The World's Largest Dungeon. One of the constraints of the dungeon is that nothing can be summoned in or out unless its already in there. So if you want to summon a celestial dire badger it fizzles unless there is a celestial dire badger somewhere in there.

At one point you encounter a fortified Angel position. They are holding out against various nasties in their particular area. A few Hound Archons enlist you to defeat a greater basilisk that is lurking in the area. Our group wizard immediately starts blustering about petrification. We agree to help and the whole time the wizard is mumbling under his breath.

We ask him out of character why he is getting so frustrated. He responds "I think Hound Archons are immune to petrification. Why the hell is the one creature immune to a basilisk asking for help with a basilisk?"

We shortly thereafter find said Basilisk and wizard announces "Im casting summon monster to bring in a Hound Archon." At which point the Hound Archon that enlisted our help pops into the area looks at us and says "Aren't you supposed to be killing the basilisk" to which the wizard replies "Yes and you are helping. Now get in there and attack what we are supposed to attack so we can dismiss you and head back to tell you that you finished the mission you sent us on"

Nothing like making someone do something themselves.

[Andraia]

Hahaha, that is actually kind of hilarious Kave xD .


So two days ago, at Encounters, I'm getting a bit sad that this story is almost over because I have gotten so attached to my character. We're talking before the game starts and one of the other regulars asks me if I want to give her a dramatic death scene on the last day (more or less jokingly, I think), to which I respond with a fervent "no".

There was only one combat encounter this week, but it was crazy hard (at least for our party; the other group finished in half the time and came over to watch our battle unfold). Our avenger was dead, our druid and our cleric we're throwing death saving throws, and my pixie was sitting at four points under her full health. I had just finished "rescuing" another pixie from mind control -- by critical hitting him within four HP of his life -- and was now the only combatant left in the room.

There were only two baddies left, but one of them only attacked you if you were holding a weapon, which you can drop as a free action, so I activated my wrathful aspect (5 fire damage to anyone who hits you with a melee attack... basically she lit herself on fire) and charged the big-ass party-killing baddy. Critical miss.

Me: Oh crap.
DM: -turns the figure around- Hello there.
Me: Aw hell, she drops her weapon.
DM: The statue doesn't attack you. -rolls attack for the bigbad-... Er... What is your HP?
Me: ... 29...
DM: -rollrollroll-
Everyone: -bated breath-
DM: ... Er... 46 damage. Your dead.
Me: What?! -cackling with laughter- Awww man.
Everyone: -noisy-
DM: -starts to continue-
Me: Oh, and he takes 5 fire damage for attacking me.
DM: -pause-... 5?
Me: Yeah.
DM: ... -removes figure-
Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. SHE TOOK HIM DOWN WITH HER!

It was probably the single most awesome moment in my gaming history xD . And she got that epic death scene I didnt want her to have! Lol. Next week I am either going to play as just her pets -- a dog and an otter that she picked up somewhere -- or I'm going to build a pixie character to be the guy who Thistle rescued and watched her "selflessly sacrifice herself to save her friends".

[Vknight]

From my lovely 4e Campaign the Animus Wars

The Party: So what do we see at the party.
Me/Dm: In a extravagant hall stand a great table. At it are the 5guild masters, the mayor of the city, Kolchak the Arch-Paladin from Ivory, Palgus the Poison Merchant, Sac the Pirate Lord, and a seat for Jimmy.
Each individual has 2guards. Reed is one of the Guards for Plagus
Ora: So it would be a bad idea to try and make a run for it?
Me/Dm: I don't know ask Reed, Ide still has that bruise

Ide: So can we talk these thugs down?
Ora: There bottom feeders attacking people as they just enter the gate
Me/Dm: They are carrying weapons made from peoples bones
Ide: So your saying that it would be a difficult discussion.
Iris: No he's saying there going to eat us
Ashar: Or worse things

Sebastien: I can definitely take him right?
Me: By take do you mean impale yourself on his sword?
Sebastien: Ok I charge in and use 'Lead the Attack'
Iris, Ashar, Ora, Ide: We step back

Me: You got to wonder what NPC's think of you guys.
Ide: Nah not really
Iris: Probably that we are a strange group
Sebastien(When he was still Altos): A adventuring party?
Ora: A group working together for a mutual goal until I find out about your bounties
Ashar: A group of sexy females. With 2strong male body guards.
Me: You have to wonder why the NPC's haven't given up all hope(Thinking)

My players have gotten themselves into a world of hurt.
But they bring a smile with there antics and complete lack of logic or common sense

[moghue]

It was my first campaign. My character had a thing for taking furniture from people. Any time we came across a book shelf i had to have it, and I always took chests, even if bolted to the floor.

Well a few sessions later, We went exploring in a small cavern with bandit guards, having been told a bigbady was inside. We get to his room and he is sitting on a stone throne. After all was said and done, I asked the DM if I could take the throne, of course he said no, it was carved from the cavern itself. I said, "if I can make the rolls to bust it out, can I have it?" of course he said sure. I ended up rolling a nat 20 trying to break it out with a good swing of my axe.

Needless to say, he didn't let me have it, even though I was a dragonborn paladin with 20 str at lvl 3....

[Appleman]

[SWSE]

I had spent the last week and a half building a map of a clone-wars era droid factory on Mustafar for my party of non-jedi to have fun clearing. This encounter was supposed to take 3-4 sessions.

After clearing roughly 10% of the installation, Mr. Use Computer decides he wants to wreak havoc on the systems in the installation. He spells out what he wants to do, and I set the DCs. He makes the appropriate checks, and in a matter of a few keystrokes, disables the heat shields, disables the droid production factories, and turns the war droid (that was supposed to be the boss encounter here) against the team it was guarding.

At this point, lava is rising, droids are killing the workers, and all hell has broke loose here. The party decides to run like hell back to the ship, and high-tail it outta there! Pretty epic, right?

All except one party member, who we have affectionately come to call the nat-1 machine.

This guy gets to thinking...
'What if... in all this chaos... with the angry war droid, the rising lava, the general panic and anarchy that has taken hold here... what IF! They come to THIS terminal, figure out what we did, and reverse it all!? Better disable this workstation...'

Not the worst line of thought of all time, to be sure, but this is as the rest of the party is sprinting to freedom, and a non-lava fate.

So the player tells me, "I want to disable the workstation."

I asked, "Do you have mechanics, or use computer skill trained?"

"No."

Mechanics can't be used untrained, so I tell him, "roll a d20, add your use computer modifier."

He rolls, and sure enough, nat-1.

So I explained how he managed to take off the back of the workstation with no problems, and reached in with his hydro-spanner to start smashing the cables/hardware found within. Just his luck, he hits the power supply. I roll damage (only 1d4). It comes up 4.

"You take 4 electrical damage. How many hit points do you have right now?"

"2"
(he was heavily damaged from a nat-1 bayonet charge attempt that ended with him landing on the blade. Later, while trying to fire a grenade from the attached launcher, a nat-1 caused the grenade to explode prematurely in his face. Yes, I am a jerk with nat-1's, but he rolled so many, it was entertaining for everyone)


"You collapse onto the ground, twitching and spasming."

"Guys! Come get me!"

The party chimes in, "We did the math, and at a full sprint, we're already on the ship."

Nat-1 Machine is promptly melted to death by lava while the rest of the party flies away in their ship triumphantly headed off to collect their rewards.

Best use of the star wars victory music evar.

[Ulysses WkAmil]

My friends and I were playing a game of D&D 4e, and the players were raiding a drug warehouse. We like to keep cannon story, so when we poof a character, they come up with a reason as to why he is missing/there. Our warlord was gone for this session, so the players told me the following: He was stricken with explosive diareha, and on his way to relieve himself, a concussive bear trap hit him from behind a crate. I allowed it. The players raided the lower floor, interrogated the boss, collected all the loot, and the like. They discovered the drugs were treated with black powder to make for better snorting. At this point, we had forgotten all about poor Nathan the Warlord, and were on our way out. The halfling asks, "Well, all the drugs are still here, what happens if they send someone to collect them?". They set the warehouse on fire, and get out of there. One asks "Hey, weren't those drugs laced with black powder?" another replies "Cool, a fireworks show". As I describe the top floor exploding, my face grows bright red. I say "You left Nathan upstairs, didn't you...?"
The table gets quiet.
We all start dying of laughter, and I try to describe the poor guy's cut-open drug-riddled flaming body floating down the river that runs by the warehouse while sputtering up Diet Dr.Pepper. Of course I threw him a free courtesy-of-the-city-guard ressurection (it was a poofing error after all). Telling him that we accidentally killed his character outside a hostile environment made my week. The halfling that lit the fire took an IC kick to the nuts the next session. :smallbiggrin:

[Salacar]

All of these silly and stupid stories about unserious players are like a black cancer for my RPer soul T_T

But then, why can't I stop laughing?!

[Curtis6566]

Ok our most recent session;
We're at a friendly frost giant castle that is housing the skilled troops for a war. The druid's favorite animal form is a giant beetle (dog sized). He decides he wants to make a race of wolf-beetles, so he goes to the druid section of the castle. The Dm says he sees a wolf. The druid says he mates with the wolf, and the Dm says the wolf bites you, take 5 damage. The Dm later says it wasn't a druid, it was a wild wolf. It was very funny at the time, but I'm not a good storyteller.

[Karoht]

A wizard was seen on a farm with various farm animals.
First, he is seen with a mule, plowing the fields.
Then he is seen milking a cow.
Then he is seen collecting eggs from a hen.
Then he is seen feeding slop to a pig.

The next day he leads the pig to the road. He then breaks the effect of his Baleful Polymorph, and the pig turns back into a man.
"And if you ever trespass in my tower again, I'll tell the farmer next time he can keep you."
"You... you milked me!"
*Thief runs away*
*Wizard turns to the other farm animals*
"As for the rest of you..."

Moral of the Story:
Do not mess with people who can turn you into any other animal they like if you fail a Fortitude Save.

[Doorhandle]

A wizard was seen on a farm with various farm animals.
First, he is seen with a mule, plowing the fields.
Then he is seen milking a cow.
Then he is seen collecting eggs from a hen.
Then he is seen feeding slop to a pig.

The next day he leads the pig to the road. He then breaks the effect of his Baleful Polymorph, and the pig turns back into a man.
"And if you ever trespass in my tower again, I'll tell the farmer next time he can keep you."
"You... you milked me!"
*Thief runs away*
*Wizard turns to the other farm animals*
"As for the rest of you..."


Moral of the Story:
Do not mess with people who can turn you into any other animal they like if you fail a Fortitude Save.


OH S*** SON.

Made my day. :smallamused:

[HealingWiseGuy]

This only involves me and the DM, but funny as hell.

(Me) Gunjank: The Dwarven Barbarian
The Dm

I was fighting the last ogre...

Me: I want to slash his stomach.
DM: Roll for Damage.
Me: (rolls 18)
DM: There's a clean cut through his stomach, and you laugh, as his chest and stomach are severed from each other.
Me: I eat the heart.
DM: Excuse me?
Me: You heard me.
DM: Roll Fortitude.

I get a freakin 1.

DM: You spit it out, disgusted. You feel feverish, then faint.

Mind you, I was nine during this session.

[Duos Greanleef]

My old group has a contingency of players that are literally incapable of being satisfied with anything as is. So they developed a 4e modern setting.
We started the first night by surviving a plane crash in Central Park. I was playing a pimp. After we were all corralled and at the police station, some of the bad guys (weird possessed zombies of some kind {not quite minions, but still pretty weak}) came from outside and started attacking us. We didn't have any weapons, so I grabbed a stapler from the info desk, and threw it (rolled a 20) and killed the guy with it.

TL;DR I, a pimp, killed a guy with a stapler.

[PanNarrans]

I was playing Bennu, gestalt phoenix monster class/sorcerer 18. Ok, silly-fun overpowered, but we WERE taking on an epic level adventure.

I had a 180ft/round movement speed, flyby attack, and Colour Spray as an SLA. So...

SONIC RAINBOOM. All the time.

[JackOfAllBuilds]

I was playing Bennu, gestalt phoenix monster class/sorcerer 18. Ok, silly-fun overpowered, but we WERE taking on an epic level adventure.

I had a 180ft/round movement round, flyby attack, and Colour Spray as an SLA. So...

SONIC RAINBOOM. All the time.

You made my day. I think I cracked a rib laughing. Way to go, my bronie!

[PanNarrans]

There we were, storming the keep of a Chaos cult. The wizard had managed to summon a rhino from his Bag of Tricks, and it plowed through the cultists on the drawbridge like a... well, like a rhino through redshirts. However, it bounced off the portcullis and then the bridge collapsed under its weight.

We peered over the side of the moat-chasm thing. There's the rhino, still alive but with four broken legs.

There's more fighting going on this whole time, by the way.

Slowly a plan hatches between myself (a gnomish dragonfire adept) and the rogue. The rogue happens to have a potion of Fly. The fighter has a coil of rope. The rogue passes me the potion on his action. The fighter uncoils the rope with his. I grab hold of the rope, leap down for my weight to be caught by the fighter, and punch the potion into the rhino's mouth.

Next round there's a firebreathing gnome riding a flying rhino, its broken legs dangling beneath it.

[Flame of Anor]

...

Nat-1 Machine is promptly melted to death by lava while the rest of the party flies away in their ship triumphantly headed off to collect their rewards.

Best use of the star wars victory music evar.

That is so epic. He should have just shot the thing!


A wizard was seen on a farm with various farm animals.
First, he is seen with a mule, plowing the fields.
Then he is seen milking a cow.
Then he is seen collecting eggs from a hen.
Then he is seen feeding slop to a pig.

The next day he leads the pig to the road. He then breaks the effect of his Baleful Polymorph, and the pig turns back into a man.
"And if you ever trespass in my tower again, I'll tell the farmer next time he can keep you."
"You... you milked me!"
*Thief runs away*
*Wizard turns to the other farm animals*
"As for the rest of you..."

Moral of the Story:
Do not mess with people who can turn you into any other animal they like if you fail a Fortitude Save.

This is even more disturbing when you consider that the wizard turned the male thief into a cow-woman and was squeezing his cow-boobs.

[Edog]

I've been DMing Red Hand of Doom lately, and you would not believe the crazy stuff the PCs get up to. Oh, by the way, if you're planning on playing in a RHoD game, this post will have (minor) spoilers. You've been warned.

Just last week, they finished a quest into an undead-filled dungeon, and among the loot was a staff of stormclouds (casts Obscuring Mist and Control Weather). Their main mission was to stop a horde of goblinoids from destroying everything, which they were supposed to do by recruiting allies, disrupting their orders, etc.

They had time to spare, though, and a wand of fireballs, so they decided to fly in while invisible and troll the army a bit with their AoE damage spells--they figured each blast would take out a good number of mooks.

They also wanted to use weather to slow them down, so I looked up Control Weather in the PHB. Turns out that in Spring, it can be used to summon a goddamn hurricane. Guess what time of year it was!

One hurricane later (complete with a tornado, no less), the entire horde was dead! They killed over 3000 hobgoblins at once! And they were only level eight...

[The Glyphstone]

A wizard was seen on a farm with various farm animals.
First, he is seen with a mule, plowing the fields.
Then he is seen milking a cow.
Then he is seen collecting eggs from a hen.
Then he is seen feeding slop to a pig.

The next day he leads the pig to the road. He then breaks the effect of his Baleful Polymorph, and the pig turns back into a man.
"And if you ever trespass in my tower again, I'll tell the farmer next time he can keep you."
"You... you milked me!"
*Thief runs away*
*Wizard turns to the other farm animals*
"As for the rest of you..."

Moral of the Story:
Do not mess with people who can turn you into any other animal they like if you fail a Fortitude Save.

:smallconfused:How do you milk a pig?:smallconfused:

[Flame of Anor]

:smallconfused:How do you milk a pig?:smallconfused:

Simple answer: by squeezing its teats (very carefully).

Helpful answer: The wizard cast baleful polymorph four times on the same guy. The "other" farm animals are not the first four we hear about.

[Doorhandle]

So, I was playing a shifty merchant bard in the city of rouges campaign.

One of the players D.Med a few other campaigns in his off time and one of his houserules was "Plushification": If a player didn't appear for a session, their character was turned into a plushy to be picked up by one of the other characters, and carried around.

So, our current D.M tries to invoke this rule...

*D.M: Suddenly, for reasons you cannot explain [the monk] turns into a plushy!
*Me: I pick it up. How much is it worth?

The resulting tangents set the tone for the rest of the session

[Kalmageddon]

I was running a campaign where the characters were searching this big dungeon where a powerful mage had stashed a lot of his experiments and alchemical stuff.
The party was composed by a paladin, a monk and a warrior.
So they look around and soon they start getting some pretty good loot, but that only made them greedy because they figured that even better stuff must be hidden inside the locked rooms.
They manage to access a room and this is what follows:

Me: "you enter a narrow room full of barrells that..."
Paladin: "I run inside and open the first one, roll for search!"
Warrior: "Wait a second, I call dibs on what's inside!"
Me: "Guys, one moment please..."
Paladin: "Well you can't, first one to open it keeps what's inside!"
Warrior: "Ok then I draw my sword, summon the magical flames and sunder the barrell, which is a quicker way of opening it!"
Me: "Please stop and listen to me..."
Monk: "Hold on, I'm the fastest here, I just run inside and I get to the barrell first! I open it with a powerful ki-empowered fist!"
Paladin: "You can't do enough damage with a single fist or with your longsword! I draw my greatsword and sunder the barrell using smite evil, just in case!"
Warrior: "Flaming sword!"
Monk: "Ki strike!"
Me: "EVERYONE SHUT UP! It doesn't matter who opens it first, you are all dead!"
*everyone in the room falls silent*
Me: "If you had just let me finish the description I would have told you that all these barrels have a big flame sign on the side. You just violently burtsed open a barrel full of alchemical explosives, starting a chain reaction that destroys the entire dungeon."
Paladin: "...So, can I add some alchemical explosives to my inventory?"

I didn't kill them in the end and we just repeated the scene, but I have to admit, when players start to loot-whoring... It's tempting to teach them a lession like this!

[Karoht]

:smallconfused:How do you milk a pig?:smallconfused:

The Thief did a day's labor as the mule pulling the plow, was milked as the cow, had to squeeze out some eggs as a hen, and then had to eat slop out of the trough and contemplate the possibility of being slaughtered for his belly meats, namely bacon.

More fun with Baleful Polymorph.

So our party wizard turned one of the bad guys into a sheep. And he failed his will so he thinks he's a sheep. Whatever, thats what you get for breaking into a wizard's house in the middle of the night. If a Wizard has the ability to conjure up their own magical house every day, that is a sign right there that they are not to be taken lightly.

So the illusionist of the party who is chaotic evil decided to keep the sheep. We didn't think much of it at the time. Out of Character however, we remembered that the illusionist has been secretly building a base, and has been using Lesser Planar Binding to get demons to build it. So the illusionist decided to let us in on how the scene with his recent demon contractors went.

*Illusionist summons up demons with Lesser Planar Binding*
Illusionist: Hi there. I have some work for you guys. In return, I have a sacrifice for you. It ~was~ a sheep. Enjoy!

[Alex Star]

Okay got a few different stories for this thread, most of them are pretty short so I'll try to keep to the funny parts.


1.) 3.5 D&D Game. After killing a Flesh Golem our rogueless group decided to hack off his head and roll it along passageways to detect traps. "Frank" was perhaps the best ally we ever had.

2.) Star Wars Saga game, the party was under fire while boarding a giant starship. While everyone else was just dropping out the door and going prone my Jedi Padawan thought it would be cool to Use the Force to jump out of the landing craft and into combat and awesome style. Roll = 1 = GM: You leap up and slam your head into the roof of the landing craft knocking yourself prone inside the ship. Needless to say from that day forward any time my character was about to do some mundane task I would promptly be asked "You sure you don't want to "Use the Force"?

3.) 4E D&D, Best I can think of for last here, and also the longest.

I was playing a Changling Psion. Now for the purposes of understanding most of my characters hijinks you must realize that the DM had houseruled that Telepathy could be used with a Bluff check to make a person believe that what they were "hearing" in their mind was their own original thoughts. My Changling often used this to hilarious benefit such as injecting crude comments into speeches given by dignitaries. One cannot underestimate how long it takes for making whatever royal pain in the *** is making life difficult for the party say embarassing things to get old. However, the party was generally good.

Right up until my Psion accidentally killed the king. We were inspecting some Warehouse we thought was a BBEG hideout, come around a corner and see a dude in a dark hooded robe, and some monsters. I win initiative, attack hooded figure, crit, kill. We mop up the baddies. Upon searching the bodies we find that the hooded figure was indeed the King, and finding the "Royal MacGuffin of Kingliness" which is required for one to become King we realize what we've done.

No problem, we can get out of this, just rez the King, apologize and get on with things.

NOPE!

We definitely followed the panic and do something stupid route. We snatched the Royal MacGuffin of Kingliness destroyed the Kings body and ran out of town as quickly as we could. Killing the one party member who had enough sense to think we were all crazy and tried to escape to warn the guards.

So in trying to decide what the heck we were gonna do next our GOOD party traveled as far away as we could from the Kingdom and had a little sit down. The conversation went a little like this.

Me: Okay so I think we're Evil now.
Player 2: You think?
Player 3: I don't generally think Good people assassinate Kings and run away.
Me: Okay so what do Evil people do?
Player 3: Pillage...
Player 2: We could try and extort the kingdom for the MacGuffin
Me: That's not a bad idea how should we do it?
Player 2: We could send a note or something or some magical message.
Player 3: We need a lair...
Player 2: OH YEAH!
Me: That gives me an idea... What if we go find a dungeon, clear it out and plant the MacGuffin in it. Then we could fill the place with monsters, and find some way to get word back to the Kingdom that the MacGuffin is in said dungeon. We can kinda guide whatever heir exists to this rite of passage so he can become the rightful King.
Player 2: I always wondered how adventures like that got started...
DM: You people are clearly insane.
Me: No way it makes perfect sense! How do you think all these stupid quests to find some item that has no business being in the bottom of a dungeon get started!
Player 3: Yeah all we are doing is facilitating the natural course of selection that exists in every fantasy setting.
DM: You do realize that I'm the DM here right?
Me: Yeah and this adventure is totally about how essential the villians are to moving things forward in the civilized world.


And thats the story of how our Evil campaign got started.

[ZeroGear]

To Alex, concerning the last story:
The sad part about that story is that it actually makes sense. For so e reason, I really want to make an evil campaign like that now.

[Deathslayer7]

This is a one time session. But it was freaking hilarious.

So there is four of us. Myself, my friend, another good friend, and a good friend of that friend that I didn't know to well.

I rolled up a Barbarian Orc.
My best friend rolled up a human ranger
and my other friend rolled up a halfling rogue.

The guy I didn't know to well decided to DM. And had us all make characters with a partially predetermined backstory. The ranger and I started off as slaves while the rogue was the cabin boy on the ship. Needless to say we were raided by some sort of police patrol and the captain of the ship decided to escape. The halfling rogue managed to convince him to take him and two slaves to help row the boat. So he grabbed me and the ranger from the hold after somehow tricking the slavemaster that he knew about his daughter. He had sneaked into his room earlier and grabbed the photo he had of her.

Well needless to say we grab a rowboat and head for the nearest island. The government ship is firing upon us with arrows and cannons and strength checks are needed to see if we can escape. Needless to say I'm pulling the weight for both myself and the human ranger who keeps rolling below a 5. Somehow the captain (by pure luck) gets shot at with two arrows and dies. The halfling then uses his dead body as a shield covering me (and himself) as I row the boat to escape.

We manage to escape only to be stranded on an island. There is a small town population and we meet a dwarf as we land shipwrecked. The ranger mouths off to him and the dwarf throws a throwing axe at him which crits. The ranger is literally at zero hp. The dwarf demands his axe back and me being the barbarian literally pull it out of the ranger (which causes him 1d6 damage). The ranger goes unconscious as I throw it back to the dwarf who is impressed by my throwing arm. The ranger stabilizes himself as I carry him up the stairs carved into the sea cliff.

We meet the dwarf again and he offers us all jobs in his forge. He seems iffy about all three of us individually. He asks how high I can count and I literally asked the DM how high the slavemaster had us count to based on the number of whipping we could get. At which point he laughed and said 20. He asks whether the halfling has any strength to lift the hammer, which he doesn't. And asks about the ranger as well.

So it ends up, that I pound out the metal with the dwarf, the ranger carries supplies to and from the shop, and the halfling is in charge of the money and customers.

Needless to say the halfling tried to steal from the dwarf and later on after a few months gets caught after he checks the ledgers. We run for it and end up boarding a pirate ship carrying a magical item for someone in a different town. The halfling one night goes into the captain's cabins and steals the magical item which is a coin. The next night the DM told him that he had two coins that looked identical. I didn't know about any of this.

Well on this ship, there are captive animals being tortured and the ranger doesn't like this and kills one of the sailors. The captain has him thrown off the ship. The rogue managed to tie a rope to the back of the ship and the ranger managed to catch the trailing edge in the water, so now he is being dragged behind the ship. We keep watch over him and try to feed him scraps of food now and then.

Well random encounter time. I'm on guard duty sitting on the back of the ship watching over the ranger and manage to spot some four armed monsters riding sharks approaching from behind. I shout out. "There's seamen from behind!" as I start to pull the ranger in using the rope. From the sailors prospective, it looked like I hand my hands between my legs. So cue laughter and them looking like I'm crazy. At which point I ignore them and grab one of the two ballistias anchored on the back.

I roll a natural one. The DM says I break the ballista which angers the sailors and they come over. Then they spot the monsters and shout out a warning. Well I now have a broken ballista in my hands and I tell the DM I throw it at one of the figures. I roll a natural 20 this time. The DM says the ballista hits the monster and the bolt even goes off killing the monster. During all this, our ranger is frantically trying to climb up the rope and failing his climb checks. Meanwhile he is being hacked to pieces.

Finally I pull him up out of the water and out of reach. And this point, the monsters board the ship. I rage and take out the three minions. The boss meanwhile is taking out the crew with his spear and trident. I go after the boss and start getting my butt handed to me. The ranger is at low hp and hiding in the cabin room with the rogue.

The rogue finally decides to come out and uses the bowstring he unstrung while hiding there. He comes up and attempts to tangle the things feet. He manages to do so and as it moves to attack me it fails it trip attempt and falls to the floor. Then it precedes to stand up where I slaughter it mercilessly. At this point the crew is in awe of me having killed all the monsters myself.

The ranger is found and I yell at all of them that if anyone tries to touch him, I'll chop their bloody hand off. I succeed my Intimidate check and they all proceed normally about their routine.

Thus was our story.

[Lemmy]

After finding the Evil Fey who was turnning commoners into fungus-infested zombies, we find out it was all thanks to a infernal mushroom.

The mushroom was created by evl outsiders, it fed on whatever type of creature was sacrificed to it. So, if you made a human sacrifice, its spores would contaminate and slowly devour every human which came in contact.

The Evil Fey sacrificed a human, so no animal would die. That was bad news for humans.

Our (level 4, mostly neutral) party tried to destroy the mushroom, but we couldn't do it. We decided to negotiate. The Fey would allow us to come back with a prisioner ogre or goblinoid. This way no animal or human would suffer.

She didn't agree. We insisted, saying we could be back in no more than 3 days. She didn't agree.

We were losing our patience, but the Evil Fey had 8 troll bodyguards. More than our little group could handle at the time.

Then, we make a decision.

F*** IT!

The sorcerer casts haste on the barbarian, who proceeds to run through the army or Trolls, grab the evil fey and comes back carring the nymph over his head, he takes 6 AoO in doing so, but survive with precious 6 HP. We run back to the mushroom as fast as we can, trolls chasing us and the fey cursing our mothers all the way.

We get to the mushroom. The spores are now fey's problem.

We made clear that if any human had been harmed by said mushroom or any fey by the time we came back. The spores would be the least of the fey's problem! The barbarian still brags about that at every tavern.
__________________________________________________ _________

Party is low on food, and was unable to find food. Not much longer, the barbarain says he found a little water stream, no deeper than 1ft, but with a few fish in it.
Barbarians proceeds to fish with an arrow (no fishing rods were available) he roll a nat 1. He falls prone, with no fish to show for it. The fighter tries the same thing, and actually succeeds. Both of them repeat the strategy one or two times. Then, the wizard gets impatient.
"Here... I'll show it's done."
He maximized shocking graps the river and proceeds to collect the fish, now lifelessy floating down the stream...
He even sells some of them in the nearby village.
__________________________________________________ __________
And there are those phrases that make you doubt your hearing.
Party is in a undeground cavern.
Barbarian: So... Is there any walls around?
DM... Your are in a cavern. Undergound. There are walls everywhere!
Barbarian: Ah, okay. Is there any stone nearby?
DM: YOU ARE IN A CAVERN! UNDERGROUND!

[Doomboy911]

A planned moment I apologize but no force on earth is going to stop us from doing it.

So two members of the party is in a society where airships are in an abundance along with other parts of the world. Me a barbarian and my friend a Monk plan to leap onto a steam powered airship making sure we're on the bottom of it, than we're going to break through the walls and reach the furnace. Using the coal we're going to light the sucker up and head outside.
*Barbarian to random crew member
"Captain captain I have urgent news."
Random crew member: I'm not the captain.
Barbarian: "The ships on fire.
RCM:"Well why didn't you put it out?"
Barbarian: " 'Cause I don't work here" Than leave.

[BigBadHarve]

Hello all! Amusing thread here!

Here's one of the funniest moments I've witnessed in 25 years of DMing...

The players encountered a wacky leprechaun who spiked their food supply with a magical 'taint,' unknown to the group. Eating the food would generate some random effect.

The priest of the group, a hyper-fanatical priest of Tyr, ended up with the laxative effect. Once every 1d4 turns, he'd have to run off to make a (magically enhanced) bowel movement.

After about the 3rd time, the player controlling him throws his arms up in the air, and in character declares:

:smalleek: "Oh, mighty Tyr! Why do you choose now to purge me of evil!"

We had to stop the game for 15 minutes we were all laughing so hard. One guy had to run to the bathroom for real after that.

Good times!

-BBH

[Sir Augusta]

I love the one about the wizard farmer who polymorphs tresspassers into farm animals!

I remembered another story. It was me (a paladin), my brother (a rogue), and two of my friends (a cleric and a fighter), and the DM.
We had just killed a young black dragon, and were deciding what to do with the corpse. My brother, the rogue, says, "Lets skin it, and make armor out of its hide!"
"I don't know," I replied, "that seems kinda evil. I mean, it was evil, but we wouldn't skin a human bandit or something that we'd just killed."
"Well of course we wouldn't skin a human! Human skin isn't strong enough to be armor!" *Everyone stares at him*
"... and that would be wrong."

Typical "Good-aligned" adventurer...:smallwink:

[Doomboy911]

Right so I was playing in a really ancient timeline where people don't even have metal yet and my player the chief's son accidentally got lost chasing after monkeys and goblins. He wants a monkey for his shoulder and catches one monkey. I bombed the roll to tame it and the dm ruled that I ate it. Tried for a different monkey and bombed my roll again. One more attempt and I succeed getting the little baby monkey for my shoulder. So I ate the mom and than the dad and kept the baby. People ask why I didn't eat the baby. "I filled up on monkeys duh"


Later on we snuck into a dragon's lair and saw a green dragon sitting atop a pile of gold and stuff. We didn't know what it was and rolled to see what it was. When we figured it out I rolled a stealth check to get the crap out of my pants without anyone noticing. Natural 20 I didn't even know that I crapped myself.

Later we got ready to fight the dragon, the barbarian got ready to kill it the party wizard was preparing his classic grease and spark spell. I'm a bard so I cast animate rope and tied the dragon's mouth shut than stood back and watched the other two wail on it.Proof that bards can be awesome.

[jhorred]

I was playing my wizard at Winter Fantasy some time back in a Living Greyhawk mod and I was doing a little RPing with one of the other party members and he was asking if I was a great and powerful mage. Later that day we came across an ambush of sorts with a bunch of bad guys hiding a copse of trees.

The GM takes the time to draw the map and place the bad guys, etc. I actually won initiative and all the bad guys conveniently fit in the Fireball, for which I rolled really, really well for damage. The GM made his save rolls and then proceeded to gather all the monsters up with both hands and toss the back in his box.

I turned to the other player and said, "That powerful enough for you?":smallcool:

After the game I felt a little bad because the way the game turned out that encounter was the only combat of the adventure and I had taken it out in one shot. It turned out that I rolled high enough that half the bad guys would have died even if they saved and the ones that could have survived failed their save. :smallredface:

[Ozfer]

(First GITP post wewt!)

Hi, been lurking for a really long time, and finally got around to making an account.


Anyway, I DM my games, and my players all choose classes that don't exist. Two were soulmasters, one human,one demonborn (homebrew race too). The other was an orcish elemental barbarian. (They are also evil)

They had recently cleaned explored a cave, and found a small tribe of bat-men(Named sethum-mur to prevent unfortunate superhero references).

These creatures worship large monsters as gods.

So, they cleared the cave, and went back to town (Demonborn with his face hidden). Only to be awoken by a woman screaming, who had spotted a Sethum scout. Following its trail, they were ambushed by a party of 7 sethum, and a freakish boar creature, but one escaped.

Following it, they finally reached a burrow riddled with holes, and went inside. They came to a large room, guarded by 8 Sethum, and in stone pens, massive insectoid creatures that the Sethum use as mounts (Although they didn't know the mount part).

They kill the guards because they want to examine the room more, and hear Sethum coming down a tunnel. They crouch behind a stone pen.... Neglecting to hide the bodies. Found, they were backed into a corner, and the Soulmasters were knocked out. The berserker had like 21 strength, had killed almost all of them. Almost.

Waking up what seems like weeks later, they pay for killing the Sethum's kin. Thrown into a Cave bears lair. Maybe you had to be there, but it was hilarious. The berserker was knocked out, healed by one of the Soulmasters, then proceeded to charge the bear, and was knocked backwards 8 feet, and collided with the wall. Bewm.

Our new favorite phrase is, "Never forget to hide the bodies".



Not really a story, but the demonborn guy decided one day that he would collect hearts, then feast on them to celebrate his demon heritage.



Playing as a spell caster who randomly determines the spell he casts, a player ripped all matter around him to shreds, bringing both players down by 7 HP (Alot when you are lvl one), and causing one to be at -8.

The player who had been at -1 wasn't in the room at the time. When he walked in, the offending spellcaster could only giggle and say, "Oops".

[Ozfer]

Played another session with the random spell caster, a demonborn (again), and a druidic-berserker orc.

Player 1- Magic Unleasher (Neutral evil)
Player 2- Demonborn (Neutral evil)
Player 3- Druidic barbarian (Neutral good)

They were exploring the frontier when they happened upon three bandits sitting around a campfire. The first two were decimated, and the last at 1 HP. Player 1 takes his spear, and says he stabs him in the ankle so he lives.

After this succeeds, he explains he wants a slave. The other two players point out it will slow them down and take up food, ect.. ect...

Player 2 says "Oh. I stab him in the throat."

*Shocked silence from the orc*

Thats cruel!

Player 3 bull charges Player 1, breaking his ankle.

Player 1 leaps up on one foot, and attempts to punch Player 3, but just gets smacked back down.

Player 2 jumps in, restraining Player 1.

Player 3 thumps Player 1 in the stomach, and I rule that he blacks out from pain.

I gave them roleplaying XP :smallbiggrin:

[tedthehunter]

I gave them roleplaying XP :smallbiggrin:

For what it's worth, I think that makes you an awesome DM :smallcool:


Love this thread guys, keep it up. I've got a Pathfinder game starting soon, so there's sure to be a few stories coming out of that.

[Lemmy]

The TWFing ranger of the party decides to scout ahead. He rolls a natural 1 in stealth and is easily found by the group of bugbears the party was supposed to slay.

Rolls Initiative... He wins... Natural 1... He drops his sword... Well, time for his 2nd attack... Natural 1 agains... There goes his daggers...

The first bugbear attacks... he misses. 2nd bugbear... he misses... 3rd and 4th bugbears were too far to reach the ranger.

Ranger: Sh**! No weapons left! Well, let's do this monk-style!" :smalleek:

He rolls his unarmed attack... Natural 20. He confirms the critical!
That's 18 damage. Exactly the number of HP of a Bugbear! Bugbear 1 dies!

Before he can make his 2nd attack, the 3 remaining bugbears surrender!

Ranger: What the...? :smallconfused:
DM: Well... They are really scared right now! After all, you are such a powerful warrior that you just threw your weapons away and killed a skilled bugbear warrior using only your bare fists. :smallamused:

[Vixsor Lumin]

I'm playing a 3.5 game here on the forums, and we had something hilarious happen. We were all sitting around the obligatory tavern scene talking to the quest giver. I was playing a shy warforged psion, so when we were introducing our characters I never gave my class. Realizing this was a RP problem I decided to solve it with some flair. When the waitress came to take our I order, I used minor creation to make a mug of pure ethanol. I'm immine to poison so I wasn't worried about my character. However I forgot I was sitting next to the stereotype dwarf paladin.

Paladin- Neat trick, could ye make an ale as well?

Me- I'm sorry but I don't think I can make ale, your welcome to some of this though

Me OOC- are you sure you waan try this? Its pure alcohol. Like watch out for open flames, alcohol. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a fort save involved.

Paladin OOC- ill drink it if it smells good.

DM- it smells of alcohol and burns your nose. It has none of the warm and hearty flavorings of dwarven brew.

Paladin- A mug in tha hands worth two on the shelf! Tipple it down and refresh yourself!

DM- Fort save against poison. Roll it. :smalleek:

Now this whole time the rest of the party has been asking about the quest and potential rewards so the following surprised everyone.

Paladin- 13

DM- this is a direct copy paste: Just as Quicksmith is about to answer your question you hear the sudden, and rich clatter of armor and it's occupant. It sounds like an explosion as Brightshield, armor and all collapses in an unconscious heap as pure alcohol drips down his beard like a dying river, that bubbles as he gurgles in his rich stupor, as bodily fluids lurch and creep up over his lips, as if his innards are as drunk as he.

Brightshield

Yeah, someone failed a fort save. Bad. That was Ethanol, 100% Alcohol. You're out cold :smalleek:



I love my DM's fluff text :smallbiggrin:

[Doorhandle]

HA! That'll teach him to look before he chugs!

[Doorhandle]

HA! That'll teach him to look before he chugs!

[Gandariel]

this happened just a few weeks ago:

Game is D&D 3.5, this is the first campaign for both me(DM) and my players.
The party was all level three, and consisted of:
-Human Factotum
-Human Druid
-Half-orc Barbarian
-Strongheart Halfling Bard (quite egocentric and good at RPing it)

So, the party was staying at an inn, and there was a guy playing his lute with good success.
Immediately(as i foresaw) the bard decided to whipp out his instrument as well and challenged at a musical duel.
i had him roll a few times(good rolls, and he had a great Perform mod), so i said: you're both quite good, but at the end the other guy misses a note, while you make an awesome solo; everyone cheers, you made a lot of friends and you're offered a beer, while the other guy walks away.

After a while the party went to bed, in an 8-people bedroom (four double beds) at the first floor.

Of course the guy from earlier was actually a Bard who happened to have a scroll of Animate Objects.

The party woke up as their beds and bedsheets tried to attack them, as some of them heard a laugh.
they fought for a couple rounds, the bard and factotum were entangled, the others were doing well.
of course they were making a big noise, so i said they heard steps running towards them.

In the third round the druid cast Warp Wood, to make a hole in the pavement and make one of the beds fall. it failed its Reflex save (it was a freakin'bed, after all) and fell.

I said: you hear screams from downstairs.
At the end of the round the innkeeper and some men went in, and in that same moment all the Animated objects stopped moving:

when they entered they saw two guys waving their arms inside a bedsheet, a barbarian and a wolf chopping down a bed, and a hole in the floor.

Also, as they learned, the bed which fell downstairs had landed on a poor guy, killing him.

They had a HARD time explaining what happened.
(of course nobody believed it, and they had to flee the inn and then the city, where they're currently wanted criminals)

Still, a memorable session and lots of laughs for everyone.

[Curtis6566]

I just played a 4.0 session today. Probably the funniest part was when we came across a shack with an entrapenour inventor in it. He said he made bombs and threw one at a tree. The barbarion just started riding on, but when he saw the guy playing with something like an automatic slinky the barbarion hurried back and asked to buy one. He got it for 1 gold. My character (who has pretty good charisma) wanted one too, but the guy put the price as 2 gold. I rolled for diplomacy, and got a 24. The inventor said ok, I'll sell you it for 1 gold 25 silver. i took it, only when I went to subtract it from my gold did i realize the was 3.5 gold.:smallannoyed: I of course yelled that he gyped me. The best part was that the DM didn't even know he gyped me, he had thought that 100=1 gold. :smallbiggrin:

[The Glyphstone]

I just played a 4.0 session today. Probably the funniest part was when we came across a shck with an entrapenour inventor in it. He said he made bombs and threw one at a tree. The barbarion just started riding on, but when he saw the guy playing with something like an automatic slinky the barbarion hurried back and asked to buy one. He got it for 1 gold. My character (who has pretty good charisma) wanted one too, but the guy put the price as 2 gold. I rolled for diplomacy, and got a 24. The inventor said ok, I'll sell you it for 1 gold 25 silver. i took it, only when I went to subtract it from my gold did i realize the was 3.5 gold.:smallannoyed: I of course yelled that he gyped me. The best part was that the DM didn't even know he gyped me, he had thought that 100=1 gold. :smallbiggrin:

http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0675.html

"How much for this belt?"
"6000 GP"
"I'll give you 8,000."
".....Done."

[ocarthewarrior]

so me and my group were exploring this dungeon when I, the rogue, come across a pit about 15 feet deep full of water. i look down in to the pit and the dm explains that i see quite a few gold pieces and a very shiny looking kukri, which my rogue happens to favor. our wizard looks down and says that it is magical. my rogue immediately calls dibs and jumps into the water thinking my ranks in swim and climb are more than enough to get me out of this. sad thing is we dont here the normal splash that is associated with diving into water, instead we hare a kerplunk along with a squishing sound. turns out this actually wasnt a pool of water but a gelatinous cube some of the other inhabitants of the cave had trapped here. me and the rest of the party just kind of stare at the dm thinking "you sneaky bastard" luckily the wizard and cleric are able to kill the ooze from above but not before i lose my armor and clothes. but i did get the kukri which turned out being a +2 keen shocking kukri, and all 11 gold that was down there. after that my rogue learned to be a little more cautious when calling dibs on treasure.

[Vixsor Lumin]

Hahaha thats a good one! Your DM is pretty sneaky ;)

[Ozfer]

For what it's worth, I think that makes you an awesome DM :smallcool:

Thank you :smallsmile:. I have another session planned for tomorrow, and I'm almost certain my players will screw up in a hilarious way :smalltongue:.

[Ozfer]

Got four new stories :smallbiggrin:.

Demon-born (Uses our own special racial class)

Gray Elf (Magic Unleasher)

Druidic Warrior Orc


We start off with the characters recovering from their fight with each other, and they set off (Also, there was no broken ankle, I checked my homebrew charts and realized I made a mistake.)

After exploring for a while, they are low on food, and return to Toallo (A major city). The guard explains that three murderers are on the run, and he needs to check the demon-borns face. "Remove your hood sir" (Also, the orc wasn't with them, he generally isn't accepted in most major cities. He is watching from a distance).

After chanting 'fear' in Demon-Tongue to try and make the guards back down, he fails, and removes his hood. The already slightly panicked guard from the spell calls for back-up, and ten bows are trained on our hero's. "Drop your weapons!"

DB- I drop my weapon
GE- I'm not dropping my weapon.
Me- All the bowmen take aim at you.
GE- I drop my weapon.

Maybe you had to be there, but it was hilarious.



After the Demon-Born and Gray Elf had been taken away, the orc wondered how he would get food now (He wasn't planning on rescuing the other players; His character was suspicious of their alignment already. Besides, they could take care of themselves).

He decided to ask the guards to bring food to the gate for him to purchase, if he promised not to enter the city. The guards agreed.

The orc player then started singing, "It's Not Easy Being Green", a lament of the racism between orcs and humans. A brilliantly crafted muppets reference.



This story isn't so much funny, but beyond epic. I just have to tell it :P. After some magical trickery by a malicious hooded man, the players are about to be executed for a crime they didn't commit.

The Magic Unleasher (Who's spells are completely random), got the best spell he could hope for: A sonic burst that would incapacitate the guards, and was too weak to kill anything.

Dashing for the gate, he got lucky again, and put a peace ward on the guards. Two bowmen manage to get some shots off, but they missed.

The Demon-Born realized afterwards he had a non-verbal spell that would have destroyed his gag and allowed him to cast spells too :P



Discussing how to prove their innocence, they realize the bandits they killed a while back must have been the criminals. However... It's been two weeks, and it'll take another two weeks to get them back here. Gross.

They plan to put all the various leftover chunks in a sack and hope for the best. The druidic warrior only agreed to this because leaving two people wrong-fully convicted seemed un-druidlike to him. We have yet to see the results of their genius plan.


Sorry, that's alot of words for mediocre stories :smalltongue:.

[Zelphas]

I just ran the first D&D session in a homebrew world where every adventurer had to join a group and register with the government by level 5. It is very lawful government, controlled by the Church of St. Heironius; think Renaissance-era Catholic Church. My group isn't really the most lawful of characters, so hilarity ensued.

Cast Of Characters (all level 5):
Shonagarr (NG)--Gnoll Ranger. He rides a brown bear (amazing Handle Animal roll to rear it) and has a chickadee as his animal companion.
Kai (CN)--Half-Drow, Half-High Elf rogue. His mother was assaulted by a Drow. He has a ring of entice gift. Main mischief maker of the group. Slightly obsessed with tails.
Kiri (CN)-- Kitsune (fox Demon) Wizard. She has a Disguise Self spell permanently in place at all times, and introduces herself to everyone by saying "I'm an elf". She has a puppet that spawns a flying squirrel and a cup of coffee every 24 hours, and an aquatic cat familiar.
Naranya (CN)--Catfolk Ninja. Is obsessed with fluffy things. She has a Bucket of levitation.
Shaiya (CN)--Foxkin (homebrew race--anthropomorphic Fennec fox) Assassin. Always acts as cute as possible. She has two invisible chakram which she uses as weapons.
Simitod (CG)--Hedon (another homebrew--denizen of the Plane of Nightmares) Sorcerer. Searching for "good" in the world. He was cursed by the God of Nightmares with a permanent Fear Aura. Wears a cloak at all times to try to hide it.
Orie (CG)--Halfling Paladin of Freedom pretending to be a regular Paladin. Sent by the Church to keep an eye on the rest of the group.

Of Fear Auras
In the campaign, Orie reached the town ahead of the rest of the group. He made contact with the local Paladin (a Dwarf named Oskar), who filled him in on what the rest of the group looks like. The conversation went a little like this:
Me (as Oskar): So, the church sent you down to watch the Gnoll, right?
Orie: That's right.
Me: Well, there's been more information since you left the capital. There's one specific member of the group coming in that they want you to watch especially closely.
Orie: Oh?
Me: Yes. He always wears a dark grey cloak and a hood, but I've been getting some odd reports about him.
Orie: Like what?
Me: Well, eyewitness reports have described him as 'terrifying', 'beyond your worst nightmares', and 'Oh, no. Oh dear, sweet Heironius, no. Save me!'

We had to stop play because the group was laughing too hard.

Group meetings, terror, etc.
Shonagarr and Kai had already met and were travelling together to the town of Clapford to register. Kiri had been following Kai out of curiousity, when she bumped into Simitod gathering herbs in the woods. She managed to make her Will save, but she began backing away from him into the road. Kai and Shonagarr noticed her backing towards them, and then they saw Simitod. Shonagarr made his Will save; Kai did not. His reaction was as follows:
Kai: Hey, who is tha--OH MY GOD!! (Draws shortsword, shaking)
Once they calmed Kai down and talked it over, the four decided to travel together to register. They made it to a town the next day, and half the population fled in terror. The Catfolk, which had been sleeping on the roof of the inn in town, decided to jump down and see what the ruckus was about. She made her Tumble Check and landed on her feet in front of the group, and then failed her Will save. She immediately tried to attach herself to Simitod's face, but missed, and Shonagarr mangaed to calm her down by promising to let her ride his bear. Kai tried to grab her tail and missed, then stole a bag of catnip from the next town they went to.

Midnight Bucket Shenanigans
The group finally got together and had gotten their first assignment, which was in the next town over. I threw in a noblemen's son and his retinue coming in to register at the same time as they were, and they had fun trading glares with him as they left the guild hall. They went to the inn for the night, and after accidentally terrifying the innkeeper, settled down to sleep. Three hours later, hey were awakened by the same nobleman yelling at the innkeeper for a larger room. He finally stormed off in a huff to his rooms, and Simitod, Shonagarr, and Orie went back to sleep. Kai, however, thought it would be fun to sneak into the nobleman's room and rearrange the furniture to freak him out. At the same time as this was going on, Naranya and Shaiya, who had been sleeping on the roof, decided to use Naranya's Bucket of levitation to spy on the nobleman. Naranya failed her Balance check to stand on the bucket, and tried to grab the rooftop. She rolled a natural 1, and I ruled that not only did she miss the roof, she actually slammed into the wall outside, waking the nobleman from his sleep. Shaiya quickly piloted the bucket out of sight, and Naranya managed to land without hurting herself. Kai wasn't as lucky. The nobleman spotted him lurking at his doorway and shouted for his bodyguard. Kai managed to bluff that the nobleman's door had been unlocked, and backed out of the room--straight into the very angry half-orc wielding a battleaxe; the nobleman's bodyguard. Luckily for him, just before his head got split open, the three good characters had woken up and come down the stairs to see what the ruckus was about. The half-orc failed his will save against Simitod and ran back to his room, whimpering.
While this was going on, Shaiya was maneuvering the bucket around the inn, trying to figure out what to do. Unfortunately, the bucket could only levitate for six minutes a day, so it began to fall. She managed to make a Jump check out of the bucket and grab the roof edge, but she couldn't make a Climb check to get all the way up. Naranya ran around the inn to grab her bucket just as the nobleman's Cleric stuck his head out his window to see what was going on. He spotted Naranya standing under his window with a bucket, and immediately launched into a tirade of accusations.
Cleric: You! Evildoer! What evil deeds are you up to, lurking around in the dead of night?
Naranya: What? I was just--
Cleric: Silence! You are obviously up to some nefarious deed. It is creatures like you that cause crime and evil, that force the clergy to hunt you down instead of bringing the word of Heironius to new lands! Your insolence is--
Shonagarr: (Sticking his head out of his own window, to Naranya) If you aren't back in bed in five minutes, you don't want to know what I will do to you! (to Cleric) And you, save the sermon for Sunday, the rest of us are trying to sleep! (Slams window)
Naranya: (Taking advantage of the Cleric's stunned silence, throws a salute) Heil Heironius! (runs away)

Needless to say, they all got roleplaying XP.

I guess most of these are 'you had to be there' stories. Sorry for the long entries.

[Chookster]

So we had some spare time at the end of a session and one of my players expressed the desire to hunt a bear, I ran with it and decided to reward bonus XP to whoever is the most entertaining in hunting this bear.

The players prepare two pits at the bear's watering hole ad scatter rations over the tops of them, the party rogue also lines his with spikes and the ranger climbs an oak tree getting as far away from melee combat as he can and the fighter and paladin conceal themselves in the shallow water of the river.

Me: The bear arrives, It is twenty feet tall the claws on its front legs as long as daggers, its eyes gleam with a feral madness and ridges of spiked bone emerge from its shoulders and spine.

Fighter: I climb up the tree.

Rogue: I start calling to the bear

Me: it turns towards you and slowly starts to stroll in your direction, its eyes never leaving yours.

What followed was a relatively complicated series of events involving the paladin shoulder charging the bear into the spiked pit.

The bear didn't die, and enraged it dragged the rogue into the pit with it and pinned him against the wall of the pit

Me: The bear's body is covered in its own blood from the spikes you layed down, its burning red eyes stare at you in unbridled rage. It's lips pull back revealing long and jagged fangs. Tattered remains of its previous victims are still caught in between its teeth. It roars and raises it hand ready tear the life from your soft elven body.

Rogue: I uh...crap myself in fear?

Me:... actually thats probably in character.

Rogue: is that a standard action?

Me:... no?

Rogue: oh well then I stick my dagger in its mouth.

The next round was a moment of criticals, the ranger's critical fail, which led to him putting an arrow into the rogue, and the paladin's critical success which allowed him to hamstring the bear, and the rogue to ride its falling head down onto one of the spikes.

I gave the bonus XP to both the paladin and the rogue for obvious reasons.

[Karoht]

The next round was a moment of criticals, the ranger's critical fail, which led to him putting an arrow into the knee of the rogue, and the paladin's critical success which allowed him to hamstring the bear, and the rogue to ride its falling head down onto one of the spikes.Fixed that for you.

[Wookieetank]

Hope he was wearing protective knee gear... :smallwink:

[ExtravagantEvil]

Must...resist...meme...:smallredface:

[Wookieetank]

Must...resist...meme...:smallredface:

Thats a will save of DC 20 + length of time in months meme has existed :smallbiggrin:

[Silus]

Kind of an old one (and one-sided too), but when I DMed my first campaign (It was a 3.5/PF mashup) I ended up scaring half the party badly enough that they begged to not have to make any more spot or listen checks.

Horrors included:

-Water Elemental getting one-shotted by, presumably, a flesh golem modeled as a young girl (the owner of the house went mad and tried to frankenstein his dead daughter back together with some Lovecraftian hoodoo)

-A closet full of nightmarish, semi-sentiant stuffed animals that decayed away into pools of blood and pus when killed.

-A "tea party" at the back of said closet that contained a dead babysitter (Knife to the head) and the "deactivated" flesh golem.

-All the windows and doors bricking up when the party heads upstairs. Attempts to break through the bricks caused a sort of Portal loop.

-The sounds of thousands and thousands of rats scurrying through the walls.

-(Albino + dead + ghost) + keyhole + curious adventurer = scary

They were terrified* but I was laughing my butt off.

*Except for the Mormon guy that had no frame of reference of horror movies and the idiot in the group that tried to blow up the house by trying to light the gas lamps on fire.

[Deathslayer7]

In my DM's campaign, we were trying to assault a keep in the Northern Lands (ice/snow) so that the orcs could regain their rightful territory as they were enslaved. I myself was an orc and was in charge of this.

I had built an ubercharger (mid optimized) and just as were were starting to lay siege to the keep, the DM is like a huge stone gate lies before you covered in ice with lots of humans with bows sitting atop the rampart.

The wizard cast protection from arrows on me and I literally got within charging range of the keep with the other orcs following close behind me. The DM said I had to make a STR check. I asked rather than to make a STR check, could I attack the gate to try to sunder it. He said sure.

Ensue 100+ damage to the gate after hardness. The DM just looked at me with a blank stare than said. "You smash down the gate." Cue the orcs charging in through the newly made hole and having them outnumber to humans 10 to 1.

[The Bandicoot]

So me and my friend are clearing out some goblins in a basement and we come upon a wizard and two fighters. Now the wizard doesn't have very much control over his magic so when he rolls a 1 trying to blast me the DM rolls on a chart. Cue accidental polymorphing himself into a dwarf. When the fighters throw a couple spears at me I make my epic diplomacy roll and yell "Ehat are you attacking me for?! He's the dwarf!" in goblin. They immediately turn around and kill their friend and what was supposed to be a difficult fight against a powerful Wizard and his two henchmen into a two-hit fight.

[Flame of Anor]

So I'm playing in my extended-family D&D group, and the thing to know here is that my mother has very bad handwriting. She also keeps the notes for our adventures, which can lead to some odd results as we try to decipher them.

In this case, however, it was something she'd written on her character sheet--it was supposed to say: "Panic button. Scoundrel p.115." I was looking at it, and I thought it said "Punch-butt Snorkel-pills". We had a good laugh at that.



http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20101111212704/spongebob/images/5/59/Two_hours_later_3.jpg



Now we're in the middle of our session, and we're fighting some rebels (mostly reptilian humanoids, as that's a large fraction of the population in the town we're in). With the rebels is a young or juvenile black dragon. Anyway, the paladin--who would rather pacify than kill enemies--manages to crit a Diplomacy roll while in melee with the dragon. So we actually manage to reason with the dragon, and, miraculously enough, it seems to see our point of view.

So at this point we have this dragon who is not exactly on our "Most Trusted" list, but is also a possible ally. (Dragon alignments are more fluid in our game, so it's not unreasonable that a black dragon could ally with a Good party.) The DM is going along with this, but he points out that the dragon was not going to be a recurring character, so he doesn't have a name.

Someone makes the fatal suggestion...

...and that is how we acquired a dragon ally named Punch-butt Snorkel-pills.

[NinjaTBB]

This story consists of myself and my friend who are both co-DMing.
Sosa: Chaotic Evil Human Ninja (Me)
Gerevidori: Neutral Evil Elf Warmage

As part of our character's attempts to take over the world (original, I know) we decided to do a good deed to get recognized. The first person in need of help that we encountered was a frantic mother whose son had been chased off into the mountains by a puma. After some time searching about for a trail to follow we found (what we thought was) the right path. After a bit of walking along the narrow path it split, one path going lower the other going higher. Since the lower path was much thinner I decided to take it and let my friend take the wider path. Some time later we came upon large gaps in our path. At that point we almost decided to give up and return, when Gerevidori spotted the child near the top of the mountain being edged toward the drop by the puma. Gerevidori shouted for the child to jump and that we would catch him (low WIS = impulsive he argued). At that point the child moreover fell off as the puma pounced at him. Gerevidori, being on the high path, jumped first to catch the boy. He rolled a decent jump check but failed horribly on his rolls to grab the boy and the opposite ledge. So he too began to fall. Sosa was the last hope for both of them (as usual in this campaign). After rolling a high jump check I rolled a 20 to grab the kid followed by a 19 to grab Gerevidori and a 17 for my reflex to grab the ledge. So at this point it's Sosa holding the child by his belt with his fingers, Gerevidori in the same arm, and holding onto the cliff by one hand. It took on the order of 10 rounds with the kid almost falling off the mountain twice, but we managed to all clamber onto the ledge. At this point, Gerevidori decided he wanted to kill the puma (no surprise there). So he began making his way along the path up the the mountain top. My character stayed behind to tend to the child's wounds and afterward began scaling the mountain with the child to catch up with Gerevidori. Because of Sosa's awesome climbing skills they arrived at the mountain top at about the same time. Gerevidori won initiative and seeing the puma close to the ledge thought it would be a good idea to bull rush it. He got a fairly decent roll to bull rush. Puma rolls a natural 20 followed by a roll sufficient to beat his. Given the circumstances and the fact that he charged we decided the puma could get a trip attempt, he succeeded amazingly. So Gerevidori flew off the mountain. Thankfully I had brought out my rope with grappling hook to tether the child to the mountain with, so I threw it out to Gerevidori. He somehow managed not only to catch it, but also to hold onto the rope when he slammed into the mountainside. So at this point it's Sosa holding Gerevidori on a rope in one hand, child in the other, and a puma getting ready to attack. It dealt a massive amount of damage taking out nearly all my health (3 hp left) so I shouted for Gerevidori to hook the grappling hook on something and I leaped off the mountain. Through many lucky rolls (either just meeting or barely beating the DC) I jumped off the mountain, Gerevidori successfully hooked the grappling hook on a ledge, and I held onto both the rope and the child as I battered into the mountain. This is the point where the epic rolls stop but we did manage to eventually kill the puma, though Sosa spent about 4 rounds hanging onto the end of the rope by one hand.

[Gnoman]

This one's a little unusual. My party, which now consists of a count and several barons, is involved with a large-scale battle. (The battle was supposed to be a background event the Count was dealing with while his player was unavailible, for the purpose of demonstrating how inept the previous Count (who was killed by the party and eaten by his maid) ran his affairs (thus demonstrating just how much work the party had to do to whip the county into shape. Unfortunately, the party insisted on trying to link up with the absentee player, so I had to run the battle.)

The party's army was armed with padded armor and basic longspears / longbows, while the invading goblins used mithril chain, MW shortswords, and +1 longspears/longbows. (Thus, the party's army was badly outmatched.) I used a homebrewed system where the armies used various sized dies based on the ratio of troops and how well the attack roll was. The goblins were rolling D400s for most attacks (this was a maptools game using virtual dice), while the humans were lucky to get a d100 on their best attacks.

The party was ordered to advance an hour before darkness forced an early end to the fight in order to allow raiding parties to slip back from behind enemy lines. After ten minutes, the goblins had lost roughy 1000 troops to the party's 100 (due to extremely mismatched rolls) and were forced to ask for a truce.

[ChimingCopper]

Not D&D, but Buffy the Vampire Slayer RPG.

Our group was the B-team, trying to do something with the Hellmouth in Cleveland, but the immediate goal was to stop a trio of witches far, far above us in power from summoning a very large demon-eating demon. It may or may not trigger the apocalypse. But eh.

We walk in. They're playing cards. DM is ready for us to give it a go diplomatically, and then have a fight.

We give it the old diplomatic go. And fail. Miserably. We are aware they have powers we know not of. Then we get a brilliant idea.

"We'll play cards for it."

"What?"

"We win, they stop the plan. They win, we stop bugging them."

"...Okay?"

And that's how we stopped the possible destruction of the world with two pair.

[DontEatRawHagis]

Not Sure if I posted this before, but its a good story if I can tell it right.

Two of the players, both Elves, decide to get some new gear. The Rogue Elf decides to track down a poison merchant so he can put some oomph into his backstabs.

When they get to the shop the Warlock Elf decides to wait outside. The Rogue talks to the merchant and realizes that he is about 5 gold short. He tells the merchant he'll be right back. As soon as he gets outside this transpires.

Rogue: Are there any easy marks?
Me: You see one standing close by, he appears to be not paying attention.
Rogue: *Nat 20* Awesome.
Me(To Warlock): Can I see your character sheet?
Warlock: Why? *Clueless*
Me(To Warlock): You feel as though your load has been lightened.

Afterwards the Rogue realized he miscalculated how much everything was going to cost him and decided to try to and reverse pickpocket the money back on the Warlock. The Warlock nearly killed him.

[Ozfer]

That's so epic :smallbiggrin:.

[Flame of Anor]

The Warlock nearly killed him.

What, because he gave it back?

[Karoht]

In my saturday campaign, I play a Cleric. And as it turns out, we can be a really integral part of a Rube Goldberg Machine for killing ninjas.

So, the Ninja was invisible and hidden behind a pillar, on a roof some 40 feet up. I triumphantly announce that I'm going to cast Invisibility Purge to reveal her. Well, I'm about 10 feet short of the range I needed. Fortunately, I have a plan.
The alchemist is the last person on the initiative order before the ninja. I tell the Alchemist to set a Force bomb to go off at location X (a very lucky guess as to where the ninja was, this bomb was set under her) and rig it to propell her towards us. We then rig all the held actions as necessary.
I tell the Fighter to Set for Charge.
I tell the Ranger/Bow Paladin to hold his action, get ready to spot, and then light up the target with a tracer round (Arrow with light cast on it).
The Ninja took her action, threw down some potion on someone, it completely failed. Awesome.

With no further ado I present to you, the Ninja Killing Rube Goldberg Machine of Doom.
My action. I take a running start, run up to the altar in the middle of the room (already a 5 foot elevation) and then leap off it towards the pillar. The result of which I will detail momentarily.
The Invisibility Purge made her visible enough. Ranger successfully spots, and fires the tracer round successfully.
The Alchemist throws another force bomb, knocking her off the ceiling. She falls directly onto the prepared force bomb, knocking her successfully into the waiting arms of the polearm fighter who had set for charge. Now while it wasn't a charge per se, he's still holding a spear stabbing her in the face as she flies towards him.
And then the Sorceress, who was perfectly positioned and holding the spell, zaps the ninja with Shocking Grasp.
As for me? Well, I sorta kinda knocked myself out by faceplanting the pillar. So I woke up a while later and asked 'Did we get her?'
Turns out the tracer round stuck in her just as my unconscious body fell out of range. The DM ruled she was 'visible enough' as she was knocked back into the range of the Invisibility Purge. Had there not been a pillar in between us, and had the second bomb not knocked her into the waiting spear of the fighter, she was going to to leap on me and insta-kill me while unconscious and prone.
It was a very stupid and highly successful move.

[NinjaTBB]

Last Saturday I was playing with my regular group (8 people, though only 3 are plot essential in this story) of all levels 2-4 (though some have ECLs of up to 6).

We were in this Drow city that had been under attack by a lich for many nights. The city had a large crystal hanging from the ceiling which the Drow said was some sort of important relic given to them by Lolth. The Half Fae Elf Favored Soul of Nerull decided she wanted to touch it. (Her character is insane) So she flies up to it and goes to touch it. After several rounds of the entire Drow populace yelling at her not to she finally flies back down. She's greeted by the Drow Cleric of the city levitating up and smacking her with an Inflict Spell (Moderate or Serious, I forget) for 20 damage, a considerable part of her health. She looks at the Cleric, says "You're going to die.", smiles, and flies away.

When the Cleric comes back down he goes on a short rant about how horrible it is to have people disrespect Lolth like that and blah blah blah. Me, the Rogue (read: Thief), comes up to him and while pretending to console him steals his necklace (insanely high Sleight of Hand roll). Turns out it was a Hand of Glory (Daylight and See Invisibility 1/day and allows an extra ring to be worn) after figuring this out I ask if there was a ring on it, the DM rolls and I have a Ring of Feather Falling.

Much later on the lich's army of undead begin to attack the city. The Drow do a good job fending off the hordes with neither side gaining much ground. Then the lich shows up. Something he does (not sure what it was) lights up the whole cavern for a moment. This blinds every Drow in the city for 1 round. Taking advantage of this, the Favored Soul and the Petal Warlock fly down to the Cleric (on a wall firing death onto the undead) and cast shatter on the wall. The Cleric reaches for his Hand of Glory (and Ring of Feather Falling) to find it missing and screams as he plummets blindly into the undead hordes.

We involved got gratuitous amounts of experience for indirectly killing him :smallbiggrin:

[NinjaTBB]

Sorry double post

[garion1500]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I came across this story quite a few years ago. It always made me chuckle so I figured I would share it. Not D&D but still funny.

DM is running a Star Wars campaign and the party is infiltrating a stormtrooper barracks. They enter the cantina and are spotted by the lone stormtrooper sitting there drinking coffee. The conversation goes something like this:

Player: Is there anything within reach I can use as a weapon?

DM: (sarcastically) There's a doughnut on the table next to you.

Player: Ok! I grab the doughnut and throw it at him.

DM: *sigh* Fine. Roll to see if you hit him.

One thing to note about this game is the group is using 6-sided die and the DM has a rule where if you roll a six, you get another roll. The player rolls a 6.

DM: Huh. Okay, you hit him. Roll again to see where you hit him.

Player: Yes! Got a 6.

DM: Heh. Okay, you got him in the head. Roll again to see how much damage you do.

Player: 6!

DM: *frown* Wow. Okay, again.

Player: 6!

DM: *mutters* Damnit. Roll again.

Player: 6!

DM: Son of a-!

Several more rolls later the player finally rolls a 5. The DM looks at the total damage.

DM: There's no way you can do 41 points of damage with a doughnut!

Player: Aw, come on! Maybe it's a really stale doughnut!

DM: *facepalms* Fine. You blast the guy's head off with the doughnut of doom.

Needless to say, the party kept it as a good luck charm. :smallbiggrin:

[Karoht]

Last night, we had a pretty big fight, and my druid kept most of the bad guys uninvolved by using Sleetstorm and Aqueous Orb (Pathfinder campaign). It's actually pretty funny. Sleetstorm to keep them from moving around too much, if they make it out, use Aqueous Orb to drag them right back into the Sleetstorm, repeat.

Well, we are winding down to the end of the fight. And one of the spell resistant alchemists happened to have fallen on his butt while inside my sleetstorm. Now we had a rather lengthy combat, and running low on spells, I look at my list, and there's Fireseeds. So I go read it up to make sure everything is on the up and up, and oh look it ignores Spell Resistance. Joy.

So I make a handfull of Acorns, which I fluff as a handful of Sunflower Seeds and the DM agrees, and ready my 12D4's (unable to move that action because using Aqeuos Orb takes a move action) for next round. On my next action I walk to the edge of the Sleetstorm, and deactivate the Sleetstorm to find the Alchemist (who failed the Acrobatics Check again) lying on the ground only to have me standing over him a moment later.

"By Fibre be Purged!"
And drop them onto the Alchemist's Face.

More amusing if you play World of Warcraft and know anything about Ragnaros.

[RealMarkP]

I was a player in a campaign with two other players. The DM's plan was for us to piss off the avatar of a powerful chaotic god. And we fell into his trap to our own demise. What followed was hilarity.

One of the players had a character named Xerxes. Xerxes was one to mock other characters in game, it was his trait to be callous, mainly one's mother or gender. So, he made fun of the avatar's mother and gender for a good 20 minutes and because the DM was laughing so hard, he allowed this stream of insults.

When the DM gained composure, acting as the avatar, he cast a spell on Xerxes and turned him into a woman. He then exclaimed:

Holy sh*t, I went from Xerxes to Xena!

Then proceeded to fondle his boobs.

If the insults weren't funny enough, this broke our DM. He dropped to the floor, clutching his abdomen in a fit of laughter. 50 XP was awarded for his gut busting effort.

-----

Another campaign, which I was DMing, involved two seasoned players. One, was an eccentric noble (think Fabio) and the other a swashbuckler. They were doing a dungeon crawl and were in a room with several doors. The swashbuckler opened the door to reveal a large Minotaur standing at arm's length. The Minotaur flexed, and roared with the intention of demoralizing the swashbuckler.

The swashbuckler rolled his save against the intimidate check and passed. He then gingerly closed the door (knowing the rules for barricading doors).

The other player and I burst out laughing at the sight of this.

*door opens*
Minotaur: BLAAARRGH!!
Swashbuckler: F this!
*close door*

I was laughing so hard, I head tears in my eyes.

[Flame of Anor]

The Cleric reaches for his Hand of Glory (and Ring of Feather Falling) to find it missing and screams as he plummets blindly into the undead hordes.

I think your DM forgot that drow have levitate as a spell-like ability.

[Volthawk]

I think your DM forgot that drow have levitate as a spell-like ability.

No they don't. Drow have dancing lights, darkness and faerie fire. Not Levitate. You might be thinking of Drider. They do have levitate among their SLAs.

[Petrukio]

No they don't. Drow have dancing lights, darkness and faerie fire. Not Levitate. You might be thinking of Drider. They do have levitate among their SLAs.

Once per day, though. Drow Nobles (in Pathfinder) can cast Levitate at will, however.

[NinjaTBB]

I think your DM forgot that drow have levitate as a spell-like ability.

Only one a day, which had already been used.

[Sajach]

In a game I played in we tried to convince a earth golem we were girl scouts selling cookies instead of adventures trying to kill it. We almost had it convinced until it asked for if it could buy some thin mints.

[Sajach]

Another one that I think is funny was once at the beginning of a dungeon crawl set under a bar, we ran out and called the cops. In retaliation for ruining his dungeon crawl the dm sends out the final boss of the dungeon crawl on use in the bar. At which point the guy summons the big bad for the whole campaign. My character is driven crazy by the sight of it and tries to kill himself, and my friends go crazy and try to kill each other. We all survive and my character(a journalist) sell a photo of the bad guy for crap load of cash.

[Bigsexybutters]

So My group has a lot of funny moments because we started out as an inexperienced group of about 4 then we added and removed people over time who had never played on one guy who played a few campaigns before now this is homebrew and I am a halh-orc thief. One of my favorite moments was when we were fighting a giant crab and I had decided to climb the roof of the cave before the monster was revealed. This is how my next attack went.


ME:So the crab doesn't realize I'm there right?That means I can backstab right?
DM:Yeah you can try and backstab
Me:(roll) 18
DM: awesome you hit now roll damage
Me: (roll) 28 damage
Dm: ok cool
Me: WAIT! I do triple damage!
DM:Oh yeah..Oh ****... OH ****!


Another one of my favorites was we have a character who we ended up calling walmart because we went through a string of fights without resting so we were exhausted and fairly beaten up and 2 red dragons and red dragon riders were attacking us. At this point we thought we were all screwed so we were looking through all of our sheets to see if we had anything useful, my friend Zach looks at his gf's sheet and screams "Are you serious?!?!? Guy's look at this!!!" she had a scroll of death spell, a globe of invulnarability, tons of healing potions and tons of miscellaneous potions and wands and such and decided not to mention it.


Last one, I got separated from the group and ended up in a battle with another rogue, now this was a bad night for me and during this fight I fumbled 3 times and hit myself twice and the other rogue once on these fumbles. Then I went to roll again and got a 1.
DM:damn dude, roll percentage for your fumble
Me: 100% FML
DM: Jesus christ, roll 3 more fumbles and take all of them
Me:100%
DM: that's not even fair man, don't worry about it try rolling this D20 for the rest of the game.
Now the good thing about that fight was he was rolling fumbles as well so we basically killed ourselves. at the end my DM was like "the group comes upon the scene and sees you knocked out and another thief dead and it LOOKS like it was an epic battle, but in reality they were beating the **** out of themselves"
May not be funny to you guys but we found it hilarious lol:smallbiggrin:

[Lord Loss]

Sensory Deprivation

Two of the characters are exploring a cavern full of evil Svinefblin gnomes (not sure if I spelled that right), who have Blindness/Deafness as a daily SLA. One of the two characters is blinded and deafened, he somehow manages to kill their trained Owlbear whilst under these effects. Once all the fighting settles down, one of the characters is left at mid hp whilst the blind one has most of his life left.

As a joke, the ranger (the one with functional eyes, that is) places his sword on the fighter/rogue's (the blind one) back. The fighter/rogue whips around and attacks him, because he has no idea who it is. Critical hit. Knocking the ranger unconcious. Leaving one party member bleeding out whilst the other one sits next to him unaware of pretty much anything at the bottom of some dark cave.

They actually survived, though, the fighter/rogue figured out what was going on and had a wand of cure light wounds on hand.


Kraken Skulls

The party (same one as the other story, except their Cleric is with them) had just escaped from an abandoned enemy ship infested with Kython (Think the monsters from Alien) and under assault from a Kraken and made their way to a small island housing a wizard known for his feats of heroism. Unfortunately, the wizard's experiments had gone wrong and he had wound up possessed by a Demon. They cleared out the tower of homonculi, subdued the wizard and suddenly realized that getting back from the island was going to be troublesome. On account of a giant freaking Kraken standing in their way. I didn't really have any ideas as to how they were getting out of this one myself.

Well, the party ranger (Shaiden), who remembers that Kraken are intelligent creatures, decides to try talking to the thing. While the other two party members, Kylar (Rogue/Fighter) and Peacemaker (Cleric), hide ine the tower, Shaiden walks out and starts screaming to get the Kraken's attention, which eventually works. He then goes int oa long speech about how there's an army full of ships (and therefore yummy sailors) heading towards the nearby city of Wragby and that he will lead the Kraken to the army in exchange for him and his companions being allowed to live. There was something about him being chosen to protect an Oracle and that without him the world could be destroyed (that's another long story). I had cracked out the Kraken's stats and was about ready to murder the ranger when he rolls.

Nat 20. So the characters end up riding a rowboat carried by the Kraken back to town, where the battle is already underway. The Kraken leaves them a while away from the shore and then destroys all the ships, those of both armies that is.

Backhand

In another campaign, the two characters, the rogue and... the other character (I forget his class) had just arrived in town after escaping from a prison and the other guy (as we'll call him, I really should be able to remember his class though...) was being a massive douchebag to pretty much everyone in town. Finally, the rogue got sick of it, and slapped him in the face. I was like ''sure, roll damage'' the other player said, ''Hey! That's not fair, he didn't make an attack roll'' so I made the rogue roll the attack. Nat 20. I ruled that a slap was worth a d4 damage. He maxed out his
damage, knocking the other guy unconcious.

(In case you're curious, the rogue is the same guy that plays the Rogue/Fighter in the other story and the other guy is the Cleric from my current campaign)

Size matters not

The other character and the rogue are at a bar, when the other character (might he have been a barbarian? Or was it another cleric? I don,t remember...) decides to seduce the barkeeper. I stare at him blankly before sighing ''Roll Diplomacy...'' which of course he passes with flying colors.

So the next in-game morning I say... You make your way downstairs and the gnome winks at you as you go by. ''What gnome???'' exclaims the character perplexed. Whereupon all the players chuckle and say... ''the gnomish barkeeper you slept with. ''SHE WAS A GNOME?!?!'' exclaims the player.

And that is why you listen to the DM when he's describing random NPCs.

Another One Bites The Dust

The party ranger (Shaiden) has a habit of falling unconcious multiple times per session, if his character goes a full session without dropping it's something of a miracle. We're seven sessions in, and so far he has:

Been killed at the hands of Orcs (he got raised)
Been KO'd at the hands of orcs (multiple times)
Been KO'd by the party fighter/rogue (see above)
Been brought to -9 HP by an exploding monster from Tome of Horrors
Been KO'd by archers of an opposing army
Been KO'd by an evil kobold warlord who transformed into a fire elemental
Been KO'd by the half-fiend Orc Duskblade party member he tried to kill
Been KO'd by a mummy in a museum
He may have been KO'd by an Incarnum Wraith the party recently ran into, I don't remember if he was okay or not.

The rogue now carries a piece of the Ranger's ear around so that, should the body be destroyed, he can still be raised

Those are just the recent ones that I remember. It really, really happens a lot.

[Amburst]

Been reading this thread for a long time. Think it's time I supply it.

My friend, his dad, and I have been playing some Trinity, which is psions in the future.

The Characters
His Dad is Gm
I'm an Australian Legionaire(legionaires deal with pyro-, cryo-, and telekenisis, their based in Australia) named Zander
He is a Mexican Norca(deal with body shifting and sneaky backstabbing run by people in mexico) named Sanchez

We also have a few npcs that work with us.
Fritz- overpowered Orgotec(techno-, photo-, and electropulse manipulation-kenisis) who is the Gm's character from he played the exact same campaign.
Cindy- the healer, really interested in Norca and hates me
Chad- very racists, navigator


So far I have almost killed Fritz twice, both times after a bar fight.
Everything takes place on the moon

The First Time
We had just gotten back from some mission, i forget what we were doing. When we get back Chad decides to go to a high class bar and Sanchez and I decide to follow him. After we get in Sanchez starts trying to hit on women while a Big Black Guy in the cornor starts the look at a person, comment, laugh routine on me with his friends. This erks me, so i go over and ask if he has a problem.

Eventually it goes to me getting him to punch me. Of course I punch back. I don't think Sanchez knew about this till after i hit the man. In the second round of combat Chad grabs Sanchez and yells at me to run outside. We all run out and start following Chad through back alleys but eventually lose him. Wandering around, we eventually find Fritz who is very drunk. He has no clue where we are so he decides to hack a nearby computer and find a map. While doing this he completely exhausts himself and passes out. I, being the strong Black Guy, pick him up and carry him.

Sanchez leads the way so all i have to do is make rolls to stay hidden with him. On the way home I get some pretty horrible rolls and crashesFritz's head into a trashcan and the corner of a building. After we get home, break down Cindy's door, have her heal Fritz, and sleep, we are awakened by Fritz. He pretty much pins me to a wall and yells about the tiny scar now on his face and demands i fix it. Which leads me to waking up Cindy again and having her heal him again.

[Ozfer]

My players (A Magic Unleasher, an orcish barabarian, and a demon-born) finally finished their quest. For those who didn't read my earlier posts, here's whats happened-


The were essentially hypnotized by a wizard into believing they commited a crime that he and his three friends actually did.

They are arrested, and amazingly enough, escape. Their next plan of action, is not to investigate the scene of the actual crime (Now they realize they didn't do it). No. That would actually make sense. Instead, they go looking for the corpses of bandits they killed a month ago, believing them to be the criminals.


Anyway, they purchase a burlap litter so that the delicate rotten corpses can be carried safely.

They arrive at the gate, and procceed to be arrested for carrying around dead bodies (Except for the orc, he stays outside the city, and says he won't help them). They are to be executed in one week. First, the magic unleasher taunts the guards, from his cell, and they open it up to beat him. He gets massively lucky by rolling an acid spell(His spells are random). The spell kills one of the guards, and nearly burns the face off of another.

The wizard dives to take the sword of the fallen guard, but is knocked out by the guard with the burnt face. The demon born who also had spells, refused to help him through-out all of this.

They are being dragged out for an early execution, when the unleasher, ignoring the Demon-Born's plan (Which was actually pretty good), casts another spell. This time he is even more lucky, and kills another of the guards with a spell.

He dashes over to cut his bonds on a sword hanging on the wall, but is killed. The Demon Born is then knocked out, and doesn't wake up.


It was a pretty epic fail. They might have lived if the Unleasher had just listened :smalltongue:.

[BeastlyRevenger]

I actually have 2 amusing stories to share.

The first story is actually from my first time playing D&D. One of my friends finally convinced me to play with them. I had chosen to be an elf bard. We had went on a quest for a king to kill a group of bandits and their leader. After we had completed our task we went to the king directly for our reward. This was when everything went to hell. My friend Mitch was a chaotic neutral half-orc warrior. He and the king started arguing about the reward when all of a sudden he yelled, "ROLLING TO CUT THAT BITCH!!!" When he yelled that we all threw a rope out of the window to escape. We successfully got out of the window but Mitch stayed back to collect the king's blood in a vial. As he ran towards the window he rolled to jump out without using the rope. He rolled a nat 20 and swan dove out. We all escaped into the woods and got out of the country without any loses.

My next story took place when we were all pretty high levels. Our DM was getting pretty upset by the fact that we had taken out about 30 goblins without taking any damage at all, we got really lucky on that one, so he sent 10 dragons at us. This was a bit overkill but he expected us to run into a cave to escape. I decided to talk to them, I spoke draconic, and convince them to join us. The DM stared at me a second and said I would have to roll a 20 for each of the dragons in order for this to work. I now have 5 pet dragons. He hasn't been the DM since that day.

[Doorhandle]

I actually have 2 amusing stories to share.

The first story is actually from my first time playing D&D. One of my friends finally convinced me to play with them. I had chosen to be an elf bard. We had went on a quest for a king to kill a group of bandits and their leader. After we had completed our task we went to the king directly for our reward. This was when everything went to hell. My friend Mitch was a chaotic neutral half-orc warrior. He and the king started arguing about the reward when all of a sudden he yelled, "ROLLING TO CUT THAT BITCH!!!" When he yelled that we all threw a rope out of the window to escape. We successfully got out of the window but Mitch stayed back to collect the king's blood in a vial. As he ran towards the window he rolled to jump out without using the rope. He rolled a nat 20 and swan dove out. We all escaped into the woods and got out of the country without any loses.

My next story took place when we were all pretty high levels. Our DM was getting pretty upset by the fact that we had taken out about 30 goblins without taking any damage at all, we got really lucky on that one, so he sent 10 dragons at us. This was a bit overkill but he expected us to run into a cave to escape. I decided to talk to them, I spoke draconic, and convince them to join us. The DM stared at me a second and said I would have to roll a 20 for each of the dragons in order for this to work. I now have 5 pet dragons. He hasn't been the DM since that day.

Silly D.M. He should know about Murphy's loaded dice!

Also, that top one is simliar to how I end up playing assasin's creed.

[The Glyphstone]

Lesson learned from this story: Don't put your plot-crucial NPCs in a position to be murdered by Chaotic Stupid PCs. Kings are important; they have bodyguards, they have magic defenses, sometimes they're just so personally badass they pick their teeth with barbarians wielding greataxes.:smallsmile:

[ZeroGear]

My group was purchasing their first Bag of Holding, and I asked who was going to hold it.

Dodger: Warrior!
Me: Are you sure, what if he disappeared?
Dodger: Nobody is going to pick his big a$$ up and carry him nowhere!

It took us a few moments to stop laughing.
In fact, my group is known for several gems:

When getting her armor enchanted:
Dodger: I strip.
Me: *Looks at her with a smirk*
Dodger, realizing how that just sounded: I meant my armor!

In a dungeon, after defeating some orcs:
Pan: I take his pants.
Dodger: Why?
Pan: Because I can!

There are others that I can't think of right now.

[holywhippet]

The rogue now carries a piece of the Ranger's ear around so that, should the body be destroyed, he can still be raised


Are you ever going to tell the rogue that won't work? Ressurection requires a piece of the body post mortem. You can't use a bit that was cut off before they died.

[Omeganaut]

Are you ever going to tell the rogue that won't work? Ressurection requires a piece of the body post mortem. You can't use a bit that was cut off before they died.

Resurrection only requires one body part, not the entire body. That's raise dead.

[Petrukio]

Resurrection only requires one body part, not the entire body. That's raise dead.

You've missed the point. He wasn't saying that the whole body was needed. He was saying that the body part had to be part of the body at time of death. If a rogue is carrying around the ear of a party member that's currently alive, it's less than useless for the purposes of Resurrection... and True Resurrection doesn't need it at all.

[Jarveiyan]

"Soddin the Bard!"

The cast
Amara elven female bard 1
Draccar human male cleric(Boccob) 1
Nikte 1/2 elf female rogue 1
Forbes and Arvin merchant and ranger
Soddin the bard

The story so far
We had just helped a merchant get his wares to market in another town, losing 1 crate to goblins along the way.

My evening encounter
DM: During the night, you hear voices out your' window. When you open your' eyes (through the window) you can see Arvin and a figure hidden by the shadows of the smith across the street.
Arvin: "Did they get it?"
???: "No, the goblins took half the money and kept the crate."
Arvin: "Just great Nico, now what are we going to do?"
Nico: "I'll head back to camp to think of what to do next. If you think of something, I'll be there. If *I* think of something, I'll meet you here."

The figure then slips away and Arvin heads back inside the inn

The next day while gathering info
DM: About two hours of going about, asking guards, drunks, tavern owners, beggars, everyone you can think of... you finally stop and ask the blacksmith. Nico is fur trader from a city to the south. He buys tanned leather from him for the grips of his weapons and harnesses for his armors He's good with a bow and generally a nice guy... just don't go drinking with him.
Amara: "Why don't you go drinking with him?"
blacksmith: "When he gets drunk he gets angry and often doesn't even know what he's doing. I've seen him laugh one moment and then smash a stool into the wall the next"
Amara: "Has he ever gotten in trouble with the authorities?"
blacksmith: "on a few occasions... eventually they lock him up, he passes out, wakes up hung over, pays his fines, apologises."
Amara: "I see. Nothing aside from that then?"
blacksmith: He shakes his head. "No. As I said, generally a good guy."
Amara: "I see." She looks to Drac to see if he had anything to ask.
Draccar: "Does he have any friends or acquintances that he does business with around here? Other than yourself?"
blacksmith: "Not that I know of... he doesn't really spend a lot of time here. Comes here from the south, stops to sell his wares, every now and then gets a drink... or 12.... and then goes south the next morning."
Draccar: "On an unrelated topic, do you know of any brigand/bandit camps in the area?"
blacksmith: "Bandits? Around here? Ha... not unless you're talking about the goblins. I've seen those nasty buggers steal an apple from a mules' mouth!"
Amara: "So Goblins are a frequent pest around here?"
blacksmith: He puts his hammer down and wipes bis brow of swat, leaving a smear of carbon in its' place. "Not usually... but sometimes, it's like they get extra crazy and swipe womens' clothing, half-eaten food... one time they tried running off with Soddin, the bard, while he was still performing!"
Draccar: "Do tell." -uprased eyebrow-
blacksmith: "well one night, he was out performing outside with his hat off... and one came by and swiped his hat while he wasn't looking. A moment later, five come by and push him over, so he's laying flat over the others, they pick him up and the fool keeps strumming his lute, singing, and laying down as they carry him off! I heard them saying something about using him to get money from other people as I chased them off with my mallet. I eventually dropped the hammer for a tug of war. Me grabbing the bard by the pits, they grabbed him by the legs... ran off with his pants... AND THE FOOL WAS STILL PLAYING AND SINGING!"
Draccar: "And who says everyday folk can't have an adventure of their own?"-smiling-
blacksmith: "Now that I think of it... they took my hammer as well.... nasty buggers. At least they didn't take my pants."
Draccar: "Yes lucky indeed."
blacksmith: Is that all?
Draccar: "Yes. I don't think I have any more questions for you good sir."
Amara: "Same. Thank you for your time."

Soddin encounter
DM: It's been a while since we gamed last. You came out of the woods in one piece, you found a goblin-scratch map, made a bit of coin, and spent a night at an inn. So... what does everyone do the next morning?
Draccar: I go down for some breakfast after freshening up and my morning prayers.
DM: okay, it's 3 silver for breakfast.
Amara: I freshen up, then head down to order breakfast.
Draccar: I pay the 3 silver.
Nikte: I go down for breakfast as well, deciding that afterwards I'll take a look around town.
DM: okay.
Draccar: After breakfast i approach Nikte and Amarra. "We need to talk".
Nikte: "Maybe we should do it somewhere more private? So that no one'll overhear?"
Draccar: "Thats fine with me. Who's room?
Amara: "Ours is fine."
Nikte: "So, what it is it we need to talk about?"
Draccar: "Last night I awoke to Arvin speaking to Nico near the smithy, it would seem that the goblins didn't attack us randomly. They we're acting under direction and that they took only half the payment and kept the goods. Nico went back to "camp" to think of something if Arvin thought of something meet him at the camp if Nico thought of something he would meet Arvin here."
Nikte: "This Nico is a 'person'?"
Draccar: "Do we intend to investigate this further?" I didn't get a good look they we're obscured by shadow from the smithy."
Nikte: "Maybe? I'm curious. And it's a little embarrassing that goblins got the drop on us"
Draccar: "I think Forbes would be appreciative if we caould retrieve his stolen merchandise back from those thieves.I'm also curious as to who went to such trouble to get their hands on it"
Nikte: "Maybe it's something rare enough to be worth it"
Draccar: "Maybe, hey didn't that "map" we get of the goblins mention a Nico?"
Nikte: "I think so. Do you still have it, Amara?"
Amara: "I do." She gets it out of her things and hands it over.
Draccar: Once the map is out, smooth it out and take a look at it again to see if there actually was a mention of a Nico on it.
Nikte: I lean over to look at the map again.
Amara: Amara ponts to it. "Right there...the Goblins wanted to avoid him..."
Nikte: "So... he scares them but still they listen to him?"
Amara: "Fear is a powerful motivater."
Nikte: "What do we do about it?"
Amara: "I think we should confront this...Nico."
Draccar: "Agreed, however maybe we should get some more info if possible before we approach this Nico? I for one would like to know what we might be getting into."
Nikte: "And maybe we should keep a watch on the merchant and his stuff"
Amara: "Agreed. Someone should inform the merchant and keep an eye on him. I can ask around town about Nico."
Nikte: "I'll go and keep an eye on the stall."
Draccar: "I'll accompany Amara and aid her in that endeaver."
Amara: "Sounds good. Amara gets up, smiles to Nikte charmingly, and scampers off to go collect information.
DM: Okay, Nikte?
Draccar: I guess I scamper off as well...
Nikte: I go towards the merchant's stall, I try to remain unnoticed by either him or Arvin.
DM: So you sneak over?
Nikte: yes
DM: Amara roll gather information, Draccar roll to aid, and Nikte roll hide.
Nikte: I got 18 (13+5)
Draccar: -I aid gain a +2 to your GI check Amarra-
Amara: 24
-after talk with blacksmith-
DM: okay as you two are out on the street, Nikte seems to come out of nowhere from within the crowd.
Nikte: "Hi"
Draccar: "So how is Mr. Forbes doing?"
Nikte: "Oh, he's doing fine, though somehow our goblins are now trolls"
Draccar: "They are, how did this happen?"
Nikte: "Just normal bussiness tactics. The crowd seemed impressed"
Amara: "Aparently Nico is a nice guy...just a nasty drunk. Think his drinking is involved in what's going on?"
Draccar: "Okay."
Nikte: "It might have something to do with it."
Draccar: "You mean like he might owe a tab somewhere? Maybe, but I think the explanation is more complex than a drinking habit."
Nikte: "It does seem like he's going to a lot of trouble for it to be just that. But sometimes people do stupid things"
DM: As you three talk, make spot checks.
Draccar: 18
Nikte: 17
Amara: 16
DM: Bright yellow, blue, and greens catch your' eyes as the sound of jingling bells catch your' ears. Soddin, the bard, walks out from the crowd, sets his hat down and begins strumming his lute.
Draccar: -I look around, is there any goblins nearby?-
DM: No. Not yet at least.
Amara: She turns to watch the bard. "Think that's Soddin'?"
Draccar: "Yes."
Nikte: "He certainly dresses to impress"
Amara: "I like it... I should dress like that." She laughed. "Should we speak to him?"
Draccar: "His attire is definitely different."
Nikte: "I don't see the harm in talking to him"
Draccar: "After his performance is done, it would seem we we're thinking the same thing."
Amara: She watches the performance.
DM: As you watch, you hear some of the passerbys muttering "there's that soddin' bard again..."
Amara: "Hm...he must not be well liked."
Nikte: "I wonder why..."
Draccar: "Because he kept playing even when his pants were being taken from him."
Amara: "I'd think that'd impress folks..."
Nikte: "That level of concentration is commendable, I guess"
Draccar: "I would conjecture that he didn't detect any real malice and was more dedicated towards entertaining people than keeping his dignity or complaining."
DM: he continues playing, sometimes stepping infront of people, playing as he backs up, then moves out of their way before they can get too grouchy.
Amara: "I think it might be that too... How long is he going to keep this up?"
Nikte: "No idea"
Draccar: "Until he's booed away?"-shrug-
DM: He finishes and picks up his hat, bows to the crowd that seems to ignore him, thanks them all in a loud boisterous voice full of mirth. "SOD OFF!" is the general response but he turns, as if to simply go play at his next stop.
Amara: "Lets catch him before it starts again.." she ran after him.
Draccar: -I follow after Amarra to go talk to Soddin.-
Nikte: I follow both of them
DM: Okay, well he doesn't stop walking, doesn't even notice he's being followed it seems.
Amara: She speaks up, "Excuse me, fellow Bard, a word!" She calls.
Soddin: He turns, walking bakwards "Just one? Which one? OH! Don't tell me! Soddin? no! GOBLIN!" one of the passerbys goes "GOBLIN?!" and then runs off.
Nikte: I look around to see if there's, in fact, a goblin
DM: No.
Draccar: "What was that about?"
Amara: She stares at him and facepalms. "Killing him isn't an option, is it?"
Nikte: "I don't think it's a very nice thing to hurt the mentally infirm"
Draccar: "No. That would be morally questionable, and undeniably evil."
Soddin: "Oh! We're playing a game! I have to guess who we're talking about! You're asking about... Joel. Aren't you?"
Amara: "Joel? Who's Joel?" She blinked. "That you?"
Soddin: "I don't know who Joel is, you're the one asking about him."
Draccar: "No we're here to ask if you know Nico."
Soddin: "Wait? Who the hell's Nico? What happened to Joel?"
Nikte: "Just forget about Joel..."
Soddin: "I'll never forget about.... um... John?"
Draccar: "Although I know it's wrong I want to hurt this individual."
Nikte: "Try Nico"
Soddin: "No thanks... I tried this stuff called Sannis once... never again!"
Amara: "Nico is a person...have you seen him in the bar? Nice guy until drunk?"
Draccar: "I never understood what they meant back at the temple that people can make you unreasonably angry, however now my eyes have been opened to the concept of anger."
Soddin: "That's odd... usually people seem a lot nicer when I'm drunk."
Nikte: "Apparently he's not nice when drunk"
Soddin: "You know, you shouldn't talk about Joel behind his back. Even if I never met the guy, it's not nice."
Draccar: "From what I understand he's a violent, raging drunk."
Nikte: "I give up"
Soddin: "Never give up! When the horse knocks you off... make glue and get a new one."
Amara: "Tell me, fellow Bard, are you as skilled as I? If I can out play you, the crowd may judge, will you coperate with us and tell us anything you know about Nico?"
Soddin: "Ooooooo.... a competition! What's the prize?!" he says this bouncing like a puppy.
Draccar: -Go up to say something in his ear.- "The prize is a torch."
Amara: She blinked and watched the two. S that acceptable?"
Nikte: "... I don't know what to think"
Soddin: Looking to Amara" Hmmm.... nah,I have plenty of those..." He then takes three torches from seemingly no where and lights them. Then he looks to Nikte "I bet you say that to all of the guys in bright colors." As he says this he begins juggling the lit torches.
Nikte: ".... I may be impressed now"
Soddin: "That's what *she* said." tilting his head at Amara.
Nikte: "Seriously?"
Soddin: "Aren't I always?"
Draccar: "Even I'm beginning to wonder about that myself."
Amara: Amara gets between them. "You win...and I'll give you some gold, sound better?"
Soddin: "So... you admit that I win and you're offering me gold?"
Amara: "No...If you win."
Soddin: "but I already won"
Amara: "No you didn't..."
Soddin: He tosses the torches up one last time... and.... they don't seem to come back down. "Fine... have it your' way. Rematch!"
DM: perform check?
Amara: 23
DM: As you two perform, it gets close, very close... then he hiccups in mid song and a slight turn you didn't intend to make causes you to slip into a drammatic pose that not only compliments your' figure but also accents your' music... and you find 26 silver tossed your' way by various passing patrons. Only 8 were tossed his way.
Draccar: I toss 2 silver Soddins way.
Amara: She blinks at Draccar, "Who's side are you on?"
Nikte: "ehehe"
Draccar: "I feel alittle sorry for him, even though he's very annoying."
Soddin: "You outsaged me... you... you're magnificient! A goddess!"
Amara: "Yes, yes, I know... now, enough with the flattery." She grinned. "Nico, what d you know of him?"
Soddin: He offers a blank stare for a moment, completely unmoving before offering a wide grin and wide-open eyes. "OH! I know! He's the fur trader! I can show you where he is! Alllow me to acompany you on your' travels so I may help you further!"
Nikte: "A fur trader?"
Draccar: -blinks- "Yes that would be furtuitous, could you just show us on the map instead?"
Amara: "I dunno, I think I like him..." She snickered. "He migt be a useful distraction."
Nikte: "He's distracting, alright."
Soddin: "In more ways than one."
Amara: "...Do you often talk about yourself?"
Draccar: "May we get this over with today? My hjead already hurts."
Nikte: "you met your first annoying person. I would call that progress"
Soddin: He offers a gasp at Amara talking to him. "She spoke to me..."
Nikte: "I think he's going to start a religion in your name..."
Soddin: ... "WHATAGREATIDEA!"
Amara: "...You can start a religion AFTER you show me where Nico is."
Nikte: ".... Sorry about that"
Amara: "You can make it up to me later"
Soddin: "That's NOT what she said"
Draccar: "I think you have an admirer." -to Amarra-
Soddin: "Of course the great Amara has an admirer!" He says this while kneeling and bowing to her almost over dramatically.
Amara: "The Great Amara...I could get used to this. Ohhh, can't we keep him?" She pouted to the other two.
Nikte: "He's entertaining, that's for sure. But what about that fur trader?"
Draccar: "Do you really think anyone will be able to stop him from going wherever he pleases?"
Soddin: "I will show you to the fur-man!" He then begins to march off towards the south.
Draccar: -I follow stoicly.-
Nikte: I follow after the colorful bard, laughing quietly.
Amara: She follows after him, standing beside Nikte. "Thank you, Soddin'!" She called to him.

[Sneaky Weasel]

So here's a story where sheer, dumb luck saved the day.

I was part of a 1st level party that was engaged in hunting orc. I was a Paladin who had taken TWF and fought with two spiked gauntlets, for funzies. The other members were a wizard who only prepared Magic Missile, a monk, a cleric who acted solely as a healbot, and a rogue. It was pretty much the least optimized group ever, and I was the only one who had actually played D&D before.

The scenario: We had tracked a large group of orcs to a bridge that spanned a large chasm. The bridge was guarded by a particularly large, mean half-ogre. It was clear this was out of our league, and it would be better to wait.
All: Chaaaaaarge!
So we charged the bridge. The wizard hung back and fired magic missile repeatedly, while I led the charge and channeled to enemy's attacks to me. Luckily the orcs were in front of the ogre, so I easily managed to kill a couple before the ogre could get to us. That's when the luck mentioned earlier kicked in.
Me: I search the dead orc for treasure.
DM: Wha-? You're in the middle of a fight!
Me: I can search a body in the middle of a fight. Maybe he has something on him that could help us.
DM: Well, okay. *rolls on treasure table* Huh. You find a potion.
Me: I drink it.
DM: You realize it might not be safe?
Me: Yes. I drink it anyway.
DM: *rolls* What animal are you thinking of?
Me: *not sure what to make of that* Err...a bear.
DM: You've just been polymorphed into a bear.
Me: Hells yeah!!!

I then proceeded to kick ass and take names. I charged down the bridge, tossing orcs right and left, then picked up the ogre and tossed him into the chasm. Everyone else just sat there staring as I destroyed the entire orc army. Ever since, Bear Warrior has been my favorite class.:smallbiggrin:

[Arranis Thelmos]

You've missed the point. He wasn't saying that the whole body was needed. He was saying that the body part had to be part of the body at time of death. If a rogue is carrying around the ear of a party member that's currently alive, it's less than useless for the purposes of Resurrection... and True Resurrection doesn't need it at all.

So if a player lost a limb and has been keeping it magically preserved, it won't do him any good in case of a party death?

I may have some bad news for my players. :smallwink:

[Petrukio]

So if a player lost a limb and has been keeping it magically preserved, it won't do him any good in case of a party death?

I may have some bad news for my players. :smallwink:

Here's the relevant text from the 3.5e PHB (page 272):

So long as some small portion of the creature’s body still exists, it can be resurrected, but the portion receiving the spell must have been part of the creature’s body at the time of death.

[DontEatRawHagis]

Spycraft 2.0 system. My friend decided to run a new Super Villains campaign, exactly how it was from the comic books. I wanted a character that had a little bit more durability, so I tried to figure out what special ability I could use. So I figured that I would make my character a demon and that he could jump from person to person. Demons aren't inherently in Spycraft so I made rules with the GM to make it passable. Aside from my character not dying normally he acts just like a normal character in this campaign setting.

None of the players in my party knew this in the beginning(since then only one doesn't really know). One time I killed a guy instantly and my friend asked "how in the hell I did that", I responded "exactly".

Best one came from today though:

Humor

So we make a long plan to try and organize a prison break for two of our fellow players. Used my demon powers to hijack the body of the ferryman of another boat and crash into the prison on an island. As we are doing this one of the guys is being tortured.

A: Are these papers true? Is your company a front for your evil organization?
B: I think I need to talk to my lawyer.
GM: Who's your lawyer?
Me; I'm a lawyer.
Everyone: No way!

I then showed them that my character took Profession: Lawyer with a focus in Criminal Justice and making contracts. Everyone was suprised and one person called my Demon soulless for being a lawyer. :smallamused:

Clarification on why I did it:
Original purpose of the Lawyer profession was so I could represent myself in court. I would say I did nothing wrong and that it is part of my job to create contracts, just because they involve souls does not make them invalid or illegal. Also I would say because I am a demon, that the guy trying to exorcise me is being racist because I am a demon.

Later I would apply for a green card or work visa.

[Peelee]

During my first ever campaign (but not first session), my party was trekking through the woods, and came upon three dire bears. druid and cleric go to one, fighter takes another, because my human sorcerer loudly volunteered to take the the third alone. When my turn came up, I run up to the bear and initiate a grapple, somehow making it without being AoO-ed. Next round, I teleported us both a mile in the air, and a round later cast spider climb, climbed around onto the bears back without worrying about any skill checks or failure, and stood up on the bear's back like I was riding a surfboard through the sky. I pulled out my electric whip and started whipping it just for the badass points. Dire bears on the ground were dealt with by this point, so the rest of the party spent a few rounds trying to figure out where the crap the third bear and I ran off to. A couple more rounds later, when they finally make a spot check good enough to see me majestically riding a dire bear down through the clouds while whipping it, it strikes me that I had never taken feather fall. I cast message to the druid, almost casually saying, "So, ummmm.... any chance you have a way to slow me down?" She relates this to the party, and she and the cleric start to frantically go through every spell they know, to no avail. About a round before hitting the ground, I get an idea. I had to pass a fairly high concentration check to time it, but about five feet before hitting the ground, I teleported five feet to the east, and upside down. Momentum was conserved, so I was shooting straight up, and I tried to right myself in midair. Failed the tumble check by 1, so I was allowed to land on my feet, but very shakily and stumbled a bit, not nearly as elegantly as I hoped, in front of my entire party, all staring open-mouthed, and did the first thing that occurred to me: put my left hand up by my left ear, open palm outward, my right hand in front of me, open palm-facing up, and in my shakiest, most uncertain, most un-confident-sounding voice, looked the players in the eye, and said, "....ta-daaaaa!"

Floored the room with laughter, and got me quite a bit of bonus XP to boot. And the legend of Airbear has been preserved in almost all campaigns since.

[Curtis6566]

During my first ever campaign (but not first session), my party was trekking through the woods, and came upon three dire bears. druid and cleric go to one, fighter takes another, because my human sorcerer loudly volunteered to take the the third alone. When my turn came up, I run up to the bear and initiate a grapple, somehow making it without being AoO-ed. Next round, I teleported us both a mile in the air, and a round later cast spider climb, climbed around onto the bears back without worrying about any skill checks or failure, and stood up on the bear's back like I was riding a surfboard through the sky. I pulled out my electric whip and started whipping it just for the badass points. Dire bears on the ground were dealt with by this point, so the rest of the party spent a few rounds trying to figure out where the crap the third bear and I ran off to. A couple more rounds later, when they finally make a spot check good enough to see me majestically riding a dire bear down through the clouds while whipping it, it strikes me that I had never taken feather fall. I cast message to the druid, almost casually saying, "So, ummmm.... any chance you have a way to slow me down?" She relates this to the party, and she and the cleric start to frantically go through every spell they know, to no avail. About a round before hitting the ground, I get an idea. I had to pass a fairly high concentration check to time it, but about five feet before hitting the ground, I teleported five feet to the east, and upside down. Momentum was conserved, so I was shooting straight up, and I tried to right myself in midair. Failed the tumble check by 1, so I was allowed to land on my feet, but very shakily and stumbled a bit, not nearly as elegantly as I hoped, in front of my entire party, all staring open-mouthed, and did the first thing that occurred to me: put my left hand up by my left ear, open palm outward, my right hand in front of me, open palm-facing up, and in my shakiest, most uncertain, most un-confident-sounding voice, looked the players in the eye, and said, "....ta-daaaaa!"

Floored the room with laughter, and got me quite a bit of bonus XP to boot. And the legend of Airbear has been preserved in almost all campaigns since.

Awsomest thing I ever read. Wish I could pull something like that off :smallbiggrin:.

[NinjaTBB]

Myself and another character (Dark Elf [DE] and Dark Human [DH] respectively) were in combat with a bunch of orcs. We had just finished off the leader and were a short distance away from our other friend (Forget race but he was a Threat) and two orcs. We're roleplaying that my friend and I are the shadows of the Threat which makes the following sequence even more amazing. DH advances a bit and gets into a handstand. DE runs up and jumps onto DH's feet. DH pushes as DE leaps into the air. DE pulls a front-flip half-twist in the air while shooting the orc nearest the Threat. Critical hit kills the orc. DE successfully rolls on landing as DH hand springs onto feet. To top it off we both Hide in Plain Sight and vanish from sight. The remaining orc was stunned for one round (he was in perfect position to view this maneuver) and we got quite a bit of experience for the epic factor.

[illowain]

The Game: ADnD 2nd Ed
The Cast: LE Magic User - Ionere, LE Anti-Paladin - Bridgette, LE Anti-Paladin Uther, CE Thief - Bergal.

How to destroy the world:

The cast is all around level 18 at this time, and Ionere comes up with a way to create small magical explosives, that do 6d12, that are the size of a d20.

We have a camp where all of our keeps are maintained, except the Thieves Guild, he keeps his in a town nearby.

Chaos has been unleashed on the plains, and it is our task to stop him, unfortunately he does have minions, and they are massing using a set of 13 portals that lead directly into our Camp.

Ionere had taught her Mages Guild how to create the explosives, we were told that 45,000 would be enough to collapse the cavern that they are maintained in, and destroy the portals, unfortunately we weren't paying too much attention...

What we decided to do was use 450,000 of them, and also cast Pyroteknics from each of the portals at the time of the explosion, while 3 other high level mages casted Walls of Force at each portal location to protect the camp from the explosion bursting through the portals.

This explosion caused enough damage to stop the plain we were on from turning for a micro second, and wiped out all life on the Plain. It took asking the God of Paladins for forgiveness (turning Uther into a LG Paladin for the sorrow he had and how sincere he was about his request to repair what was broken, offering everything he is, and everything he could ever be to repair it)

We never did get XP for the death of the Plain, I asked for 1 XP per creature, and a bit for the destruction of the world itself.... but that was months ago, and still no XP.

More to come later, that was just the funniest bit so far.

[RandomNPC]

A fire Mephit princess and her bodyguards cornered a white dragon and were trying to "tame" it. See, she's the princess that wants a pony, except in a world of magic and what not, you've got to up the ante.

So the party saves the day, slaying the princess and her guards, HOWEVER! Mid-fight she throws a temper tantrum, screaming "I'm the princess and I want my pet dragon!" then she proceeded to use her fire breath.

That's when they realized, they were saving a dragon from a fire breathing princess.

[Sheogoroth]

This is a story of why you should never let your players roll evil characters for their first campaign.

Trident the Fabulous- a neutral monk rolled by a well meaning, but ineffectual first time DND-er we were showing the ropes.

Kylstar- a fighter rolled by a long time DND min/maxer.

Shrimpy Lippowitz- 4ft nothing LE wizard of doom, he had done some research, but it was his first campaign as well.

The party arrives in a port town after a run-in with some wolves and they decide to get directions. The monk espies a porter carrying a large sack of potatoes and they offer him a handful of copper for directions to the nearest clothing shop that would have magical items. He takes the party to a nearby shop and asks for his payment.
Shrimpy, who deviously put all of his skill points into diplomacy and bluff began shouting and accusing the porter of stealing his bag of potatoes. The guards are summoned and the porter, realizing the crowd is against him, panics and leaps into a waterway running between the city blocks, venice style. The wizard thanks the guards for pursuing justice and, finding that the sack of potatoes is actually too heavy for his measly strength score to lift, convinces the monk, who objected verbally to the entire exchange, to carry it.
They entered into the store and the wizard asks the clerk to show them a cloak of fire resistance. He affably takes the shabby adventurers into a side room, closed off by a thick curtain and begins digging through racks of coats. The fighter and the wizard begin discussing in hushed voices and they convince the monk to guard the entrance.
They grab the clerk, shove a knife into his throat before he can scream and hang his bleeding corpse amongst the coats.

DM: "Okay, you've just robbed a harmless porter and murdered an innocent shopkeeper, what do you do now?"

The wizard dumped the potatoes out onto the floor and stuffed the sack with half a dozen random magical coats and bolted.
But not before sneaking the knife into the pocket of the other clerk on duty to absolve themselves.

There was talk the following day about the "Potato Killer" being brought to justice, not that the party cared- the wizard was positively enthusiastic about rolling a high-level cape that allowed his to transform into a manta ray.

[holywhippet]

So if a player lost a limb and has been keeping it magically preserved, it won't do him any good in case of a party death?

I may have some bad news for my players. :smallwink:

Actually there is a way: http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/clone.htm

That assumes you have a high enough wizard/sorcerer to cast the spell of course. The spell has the benefit of not requiring the piece of flesh to be fresh - in fact it even says it needs to be from their living body. It's also a damn sight cheaper than ressurection.

The really interesting thing is that it doesn't say anything about the restriction of the soul being willing to return.

[Guran]

Last week my party found itself in a long hallway. Our DM described it as; "As far as you can see, you'll be kneedeep in corpses." Considering we already fought ourselves trough two rooms with undead enemies, we assumed that some corpses would be to stubborn to stay dead.
Our Goliath decided to plow right trough and after a tile or two, he was grappled. At first I followed our brave leader, but then, in some weird twist of mind, I noticed a pattern. So I actually skipped past every tile with a grappling undead. Our barbarian "tested" every tile I didn't dare step on and she was forced to hug a zombie. So in the end I got safely to the other side, while half of the party was struggling to get trough. When they asked me how I knew which tile was safe, I simply blamed it on "Female intuition" because my character is female.

Karma caught up with me though. In our next encounter, I received (half)damage from no less then three party members who just had to fumble while close to me.

[Righteous Doggy]

A few days ago my group was walking innocently into a town when we were suddenly told to make a reflex save. Everyone failed. So he tells us we all fell into a pit, and I tell him "no I didn't" and he just gives me this puzzled look "I'm flying.:smallsmile:" He didn't know my wizard could fly all day. So everyone else fell into a trapdoor into an antimagic area and I innocently went into the city with no trouble at all, and so began my epic solo adventure at the library while the rest of the team lived in a sewer and fought in the arena, to which I was totally oblivious and with no way to find them in the moment anyway.

[Peelee]

[Spoilered for brevity]A few days ago my group was walking innocently into a town when we were suddenly told to make a reflex save. Everyone failed. So he tells us we all fell into a pit, and I tell him "no I didn't" and he just gives me this puzzled look "I'm flying.:smallsmile:" He didn't know my wizard could fly all day. So everyone else fell into a trapdoor into an antimagic area and I innocently went into the city with no trouble at all, and so began my epic solo adventure at the library while the rest of the team lived in a sewer and fought in the arena, to which I was totally oblivious and with no way to find them in the moment anyway.

I am completely in love with the fact that instead of trying to help or even find out where they went, you just continued sauntering into the town and checked out the library. I really hope everything you did in town was roleplayed.

[Righteous Doggy]

I am completely in love with the fact that instead of trying to help or even find out where they went, you just continued sauntering into the town and checked out the library. I really hope everything you did in town was roleplayed.

Well, the thing is, I did look, and I did try to message and scry them, and my familiar was on vigil trying to find them but... to no avail, and I had to go on hiatus for the next few sessions anyway. So it works out perfectly fine that my character did in the city what he came there for(to find the mcguffin church and library in magic central), figuring we would eventually meet again(particularly since its not hard to find a royal prince. Word spreads fast.)
Edit: We did however roleplay my talk with the gaurd at the entrance "oh yes, many people go missing. its a big place. Good thing you didn't try to sneak in or anything"(*rogue in group captured*) And I was pretty sure our orc would get arrested for something... No worries! Just check the jail in a week or so. I'm sure one of us would end up there for something or other.

[Zelphas]

A wraith comes out of one of the walls of the cave the party is in. The Ranger pulls out his Ghosttouch ax and gets ready to fight, but the ninja goes first.

Ninja: I run up and attack it!
Other Player: Umm, only Shonogarr(the ranger) can attack it.
Ninja: Why?
Other Player: He has a Ghosttouch weapon.
Ninja: Oh... (consults character sheet) Wait! I have Ghost Step! I can step on its face!

It took a little while for us to calm down and continue play.

[Doorhandle]

That dosen't work that way... But it REALLY should. :smallbiggrin:

[Yukitsu]

Me: The penguins seem to be at some sort of Homo Habilus stage of development, and are doing cave carvings in the ice with their beaks. This one is of their recently late king Olaf the fat eating the dreaded walrus.
Players: What.

Me: You see a burly looking figure down the hallway, covered in fur, knuckles dragging on the ice of the cave. He's wearing a red bandana.
Player 2: So that makes him a...
Me: That's right, a Gorilla gorilla guerrilla.
Player 2: I'm flipping the table.

Me: You can tell he's the leader from his hat.
Player 3: What kind of hat is it.
Me: It's like Che Guevara's hat. That makes this guy Che Gorilla I suppose.
Player 2: Damnit.

Me: For helping them bury their dead king, the penguins have gifted each of you a blue fin tuna. The fish are too big for them to swallow anyway.
Players: Then why were they catching them?
Me: Olaf the fat used to love eating those.

[Socratov]

weweren in a forest and we were likely to spend the night. So our druid rolls survival, the rest of the aprty aids another, and before you know it, everybody rolsl really well, and we get an end result on survival of 56

DM: you find a palace completely made from moss, spidersilk and trees. As you lay on the bed grapes fall into your mouth filling you with a sweet sensation
me: hm.. I could get used to this :smallcool:

[The Random NPC]

weweren in a forest and we were likely to spend the night. So our druid rolls survival, the rest of the aprty aids another, and before you know it, everybody rolsl really well, and we get an end result on survival of 56

DM: you find a palace completely made from moss, spidersilk and trees. As you lay on the bed grapes fall into your mouth filling you with a sweet sensation
me: hm.. I could get used to this :smallcool:

How? An aid another check adds two to the druid's survival roll. Unless, of course, the druid was epic level, and at that point that isn't really very good accommodations.

[Loxagn]

In a humorous one-shot adventure, I once played Marshall Marshall the Martial Marshall. That is, a Marshall (class) named Marshall, who was a Marshall in a local city, who took some Martial Study feats.

Defining moment:
Picking up a piece of rubble from a mountain, licking it, and determining that it had come from a Wall of Stone spell.
Party Ninja: "How the hell-"
Marshall: "Detect Magic."

[Rallicus]

Current campaign I'm in, first session. My gnome wizard and a goblin player go off in search of gnome miscreants, because they both hate gnomes (long story on my end). They end up in a garbage heap and the goblin tries to buy a lucky gnome's foot off a shady looking vendor, who happens to sell organs. Unfortunately he doesn't have feet but he has a gnome liver.

The goblin buys the liver for god know's why, for a gold piece, which is pretty significant considering we're level 1. He proceeds to examine the liver and realizes it's a halfling liver, so in a fury he attempts to throw it. Rolls a 1.

The liver splats down right in front of him, and we walk off.

[Flame of Anor]

Me: The penguins seem to be at some sort of Homo Habilus stage of development, and are doing cave carvings in the ice with their beaks. This one is of their recently late king Olaf the fat eating the dreaded walrus.
Players: What.

Actually, "late" (meaning "dead") is short for "late lamented" (meaning "recently mourned"). So "recently late" is kind of redundant. It's a great story though! :smallsmile:

[Thump]

Well, my half-orc barbarian was on a boat. We had this dinosaur thingy (CR 7, we were level 3 at this point, a party of 6) chasing us, so we had to make checks to keep the boat moving. Everyone kept passing, except me.

Guess how many ones I rolled?

Thirteen.









Thirteen ones in a row, and then it caught up to us.
I then proceeded to oneshot it with my greataxe on a crit.

3d12+27+9.

I rolled max damage.

The DM then did this.

:smallfurious: Wha... WHAT?

:smallcool:Me: Er, did I just-

:smallfurious:Yes, you DID just one shot the thing that was supposed to at least knock out ONE of you.

:smallcool: Boss.

:smallsigh:Alright, let's keep going. So, you now have this big dead dinosaur head on the boat....


Many lulz were had.

[Sampi]

Recently happened in the all-wizard game I run:

The setting: a cave full of semi-mobile mushrooms whose touch drains INT.
The problem: this cave needs to be studied.

The PC's solution (there are six level 1-2 wizards here):
The halfling summoner gives the kobold diviner a scroll of Tenser's Floating Disk. Said diviner evokes a disc. The halfling casts Greater Mage Hand and sits on the disk. The Elf Abjurer casts Reduce Person on the kobold. The halfling picks him up using GMH, and "drives" the Tenser-chariot around the cave above the mushrooms by handling the kobold. Limited time to do this, as Reduce has a 1-minute duration.

Then the halfling gets slightly distracted by a clear pool in the other end of the cave. I have him roll Concentration to see if his focus slips to the dungeoneering book he has with him (he has a really bad case of bookwormitis). He rolls a natural 1. The kobold panics, and casts Benign Transposition to place himself on the disk. I give the halfling another check to notice this and resist (since he's already distracted). Another natural 1. So now the kobold sits on the disk, and the halfling falls into the middle of the mushrooms. I had ruled that the disk follows the kobold a bit higher than usual to avoid the mushrooms, but since he's now sitting on the disk, the disk now sinks. Result: two low-level wizards in the middle of an INT-draining mushroom forest.

The others managed to save them by a creative use of Animate Rope, dragging them to safety aboard the disk. The halfling and kobold held onto the disk itself by wrapping a scroll of False Life around it and holding onto that.

Needless to say, this was a fun session. Also, I gave out plenty of EXP for creative magic use.

[newBlazingAngel]

The somewhat lame "first time playing" story.

I've just started a D&D club at my school, DM'd by the world nerdiest English teacher (The guys brought in a box of 80's action figures that we had to use for descriptive writing.) The school year is going to be over in a week so we're going to play a very fast campaign to get everybody used to the game so we can pick up next year. Today was the first of two sessions that we're going to do, and we winged it mostly since only two out of five of us had even gotten geyond stats on our character sheets.

So he comes up with the following. The "heartstone" has been stolen by the cross eye bandits and we need to get it back. After the implied Tavern meeting, we all end up crouched in the bushes outside of the bandits hideout. The dream team is as follows:

Myself, a human paladin.
My friend J, a cleric who I don't believe had decided on a race yet.
My other friend, who's name starts with J, but I will refer to him by his charcters name which starts with V, an elf sorceror.
My friend N, the half orc rogue
And my friend K, an elf druid.

So begins the in character conversation. We can see that outside of the cave their is one guard, but he appears to be asleep.

*A few seconds of confused talking*
Me: "Okay friends, we should dispatch of the guard silently, do you have any sleeping spells prepared?"
V: "Um what spells do I have?"
DM: "Make a listen check."
*around the table rolling

Myself, V, and N all make the check, so we hear a click from behind us.

We turn around in time to see and avoid the three hooded figures wih crossbows.

DM: "Since you didn't specify you were talking quietly, these guys heard you."

Our druid and cleric take a hit, but they're still standing. Enter combat.

Initiative is rolled and the druid goes first. She grapples one of the crossbowmen. She succeeds to grapple, but ties on a pin check and they roll again. 1 for both. The both fall over with her on the bottom. The rogue goes and stabs the guy, so the druid has a corpse on top of her. I attempt to charge one with my greatsword. Natural 1. rolled four on a check to see if I drop my weapon. The cleric hits one with his sling, but he's not dead. Naturally one comes up to me and cuts me for four damage. V magic missles him to death. One of the crossbow guys starts to run.

Next round of combat. We decide on the spot the druids familiar is a small bird, who follows the runner. The rogue hits him with a throwing knife.

DM: "You hear from your bird, 'He's running, he's running, he's dead"

"The guy who hurt me is at me feet right?"
"Yes."
"Is he dead?"
"No, but he isn't getting up."
"I step on his head. Oh wait I'm a paladin, I can't do that."

I picked up my sword.

That's where we left off. Not particularly funny, but hopeful amusing in some spots.

[The Bandicoot]

'running running DEAD' hilarious

As for me, my first character in a campaign lasted from level one to level four. During which time he took a half dozen arrows, a dozen and a half crossbow bolts, went into the negatives at LEAST a dozen times, actually DIED and came back to life once(Lazarus born feat) and then died again via four javelins to the chest. I voluntarily failed my fort save and rolled up a bew character because that poor bard had gone through enough.

[newBlazingAngel]

You know Hipho, theirs a cursed set of armor that does exactly that in the Dungeon Masters Manual. *Checks* Armor of arrow atraction. -15 to ranged weapon attacks. You seem to do tha naturally. :smalltongue:

Some pre-game quotes/

"YOU CAN'T PLAY A 6'4" ELF!"

"Race? White."
"No, elf!"
This was between me and the druid. She ended up making her character looking like a Na'vi

"The dungeon master emerges from the sky with his cheeto stained fingers and lack of pants."

"Why are you the leader?"
"Because I'm the only one who put any ranks in diplomacy."

[Vixsor Lumin]

im playing an "evil" game her on the Playground, and we (just moments ago) had a pretty hilarious moment. im going to go all story mode and describe it from my Stormtroopers IC perspective. *ahem*

PEW PEW! the tuskan raiders were firing on our speeder as we flew towards Jabbas palace. the Twilek pilot our team had "convinced" to take us there in his speeder was losing his mind. Ran and Hera, my ImpInt squadmates, were also in the speeder doing substantially better. the Twilek swereved and careened into a valley directly towards an ambush. "Ameteur." I said as I quickly aimed and fired my sniper. One of the two Tuskans now had a smoking hole where his face had been, the other jumped from around the corner and swung his club. The pilots skull caved in and he fell over into Ran's lap. The Tuskan apparentlly hadnt planned out his attack because he was now standing in front a now pilotless speeder. We hit him and got a new hood ornement. Looking ahead i saw a rock wall about 15 feet ahead of us. I sighed and braced for impact.

nat 100 on a d100 to see how fast the pilot was going, and only me and the one raider have gone in initative. Ran and Hera can still go and (hopefully) save our lives. :smallbiggrin:

[newBlazingAngel]

I need to get star wars D&D.

[Curtis6566]

I just have to say that I'm running a Mario/Nintendo Homebrew Campain. Luigi and Mario are evil and Bowser has asked them to rescue "Prince Stonewall". To do this, they have to collect the "6 Magic Puzzle Pieces" that will point to where Stonewall is. Bowser gave them 1. Not Funny, but certainly odd.

[newBlazingAngel]

We played another session today. We leave off from my last story, which is five posts up.

One of our players was missing and we had two others show up in his place. One took control of the elf sorceror, the other took over the sleeping guard, who had turned out to be a victim that the bandits had kidnapped. He' essentially a normal bartender with no special skills. After an unneeded few minutes of discussing whether or not to go into the cave, I strolled in, found nothing but a metal door, and yelled "Pick up your dignity and come in here!" The door turned out to be trapped, which we discovered when our cleric and sorceror were hit by poisoned darts. Sorceror makes fortitude save, cleric does not. Knocks him unconcious.

I begin to make suggestions for what to do when I'm spontaneously hit by a crossbow bolt. At two health, I get intiative, roll high enough on a spot check to point out the attackers, and leap into cover. Our druid makes her bird attack them. 8, bird fails to do anything. The druid creates water one one shooters face. The sorceror casts cone of cold on wet boy, and freezes half his face, which does nothing to impede him. Cleric doesn't wake up, rogue misses with a knife and the bartender tries to stop the blood flowing from my neck. "Oh god an untrained heal check! He's gonna end up stuffing his hand in my neck!" He rolls a four and makes it work, but the DM was kind enough not to take away the few hit points I have left.

Next round. The druids bird gets hit by a club and may be a dead. The druid is horrified, and for some reason everybody else laughed and cheered, ::) We're terrible people. I don't remember what I did, but it was nothing important since I was still in cover by the end of the round. For revenge, the druid charges one of the shooters. She misses and gets smacked by a cudgel. Sorceror knocks one out with sleep, and rogue misses again. bartender tried to take the clerics weapon, but he woke up in time.

And that's where we left off from.

[Loxagn]

From our group's Adeptus Evangelion campaign:

We were based in Boston. First session only had access to one Eva unit, as only one pilot was present, an Irish Neo-Spartan Berserker named Kin.
So, Sachiel pops its head out of the ocean and starts walking towards the city. Deploy Evangelions, activate stage one defense protocol.
Now, the way that A.T. Fields work in AE is that based on your field's power, you have a percentage chance to deflect an incoming attack, with the stipulation that you cannot dodge and deflect in the same round. Sachiel has a 90% chance to deflect any incoming attack.
Our Operations Director orders all Turrets and Missile Banks to open fire on the incoming angel, about 10 attacks total. Ordinarily, the purpose of this would be to distract the angel, since it takes three combat rounds for the Evangelion to fully deploy and they need to be delayed properly.

Operations Director rolls. All are successes. DM rolls to deflect, looking very smug.
Every. Single. Deflect roll. Fails.
Our OD cackles maniacally, and rolls damage. Three of the attacks are Confirmed Righteous Furies.
The result being that the first fight of the campaign was over before it even properly started. Sachiel popped its head up out of the water, and was immediately vaporized. No collateral damage incurred, our group gets a massive amount of surplus, and the DM quietly rages in a corner over how the dice have betrayed him.

[Rallicus]

Rather than go into detail, I drew a picture.

http://www2.picturepush.com/photo/a/8373815/img/8373815.jpg

[Karoht]

Rather than go into detail, I drew a picture.

http://www2.picturepush.com/photo/a/8373815/img/8373815.jpg


I would love to respond with the 'I got this' meme or the 'got a badass over here' meme, but I think that would honestly weaken the WTF factor of this picture.
Grats.

Someone in your party is really... special?

[newBlazingAngel]

Rather than go into detail, I drew a picture.

http://www2.picturepush.com/photo/a/8373815/img/8373815.jpg

Details, I must have them. All of them.

[Vixsor Lumin]

Details, I must have them. All of them.

ill even throw in a please to get them :smallwink:

[ZeroGear]

ill even throw in a please to get them :smallwink:

I'll add the sugar sprinkles and cherry on top.

[Manly Man]

Unashamedly I admit that I've had a thing for playing Amazon-sort humans who are something like a cross between Boudicca and Norah Josephsen and tend to be the biggest and baddest melee combatant in the party.

Also, no matter their alignment, I've got a penchant for throwing out strange insults mid-battle, mostly to draw the aggro to me. My favorites happen to be:

To a minotaur that was mauling our sorcerer- "Your mother was a fat heifer that made a steak so terrible the dog wouldn't eat it!" After this, I ended up braining it with a critical with a greatsword.

Trash-talking a half-orc before beating him with a chair- "You fight like a kobold!"

Attempting to distract a mind flayer- "You're squishier than a pile of chicken ****!" I did succeed in distracting the mind flayer, but the party barely managed to defeat the thing without anyone dying.

Got a few others, although I'll have to think of them later.

[Karoht]

So we're fighting this elder evil of elder evilness.
And at one point this crystal (implied to be part of the ritual that summoned it back to our world) goes flying towards the Monk. The Monk decides to try and catch it. DM rolls some dice.
"The Crystal is now imbeded in your palm, and you can feel it's corrupting influence oozing up your arm."

We finish the fight, and we try a bunch of things to remedy the issue. Finally, the conclusion we come to is to cut off the arm, and use regeneration to grow it back. So we go ahead and cut off the arm.

One of the wizards casts Gentle Repose on it.

The other wizard proceeds to slap the monk with his own hand.
Followed by offering him a handshake in apology. With his own hand.
The monk then takes his arm, and proceedes to beat the wizard with the sloppy end. And applies his unarmed damage.

So now the Monk has decided to keep the arm. It still has this crystal in it, so we need it for analysis anyway. Hopefully, Idle Hands are in fact not the Elder Evil's playthings, and it won't try to kill us in our sleep. And who knows, it might come in handy.

[newBlazingAngel]

This is not my own story, it's from a veteran who told me it. While you read it, remember this quote. "At least we aren't in the snow rubbing beer on ourselves again."


Alright, story time then.

I ran this group through a dungeon that was placed in some forbidden arctic wasteland. After fighting their way through several of my traps (and my traps are not something to be taken lightly) they reached a door that was barred shut. They kicked in the door, activating a two-part trap. They heard a grinding sound in the distance, much like the sound of a heavy door opening. While they stood there and tried to figure out what was going on, a series of pressurized bladders hidden along the walls and roof sprayed them from head to toe with pig's blood. Then they heard the wolves.

The 3 characters that were still alive at this point slowly put 2 and 2 together and turned around, and flat-out ran for the entrance/exit. They were beaten, burned, limping, and out of spells. They were tired, paranoid, and demoralized. They ran like they've never ran before. The wolves were catching up, quickly. In desperation, the Halfling Rogue turned and hurled his sword. It skittered harmlessly across the dungeon tiles, and the rogue tripped while he was recovering from the reckless maneuver. Seeing this, the remaining characters (a Half-Elf Ranger and a Human Sorcerer variant class) turned back and dragged their small friend across the dungeon and up the stairs to the dungeon's entrance. Amazingly, they escaped the wolves, managing to shut the dungeon door tightly a mere round before the wolves caught up. They sat for a few minutes and discussed what they should do, since it was absolutely necessary that they finish the dungeon (they had to retrieve some arcane artifact to bargain for the release of a friend). They are sitting outside, in the snow, with tattered and burned clothing and covered with pig blood. They decide the best course of action is to remove the clothing and roll around in the snow to wash the blood off of themselves, and then rub themselves down with the rogue's supply of alcohol to mask the scent from the wolves.

This plan, of course, was one fathomed in the depths of desperation and, as such, doomed to fail. It didn't work worth a damn, since the wolves heard them open the door and rush back into the dungeon, naked, half-dead, and reeking of Dwarven stout. They ended up fighting off the wolves, through some miracle of the dice, and proceeded through the dungeon. During the course of that dungeon, the rogue was trapped in a water chute and drowned, the sorcerer guy teleported straight into a mountain when he botched his checks, and the Half-Elf managed to walk triumphantly out the exit with the artifact, even though he was missing a foot and all but 3 hit points.

This entire scenario was hilarious for all involved, and it was a great session.

[Vixsor Lumin]

hahaha im most interested in hearing how the half elf lost his foot haha

[Titomancer]

2nd Ed, I had just bought the Tome of Magic, and found the class "Wild Mage". I was so happy, it looked so cool! So, we start a game, 1st level characters. We get into our first encounter, a bunch of goblins or something else random in the woods. Initiative time. I win initiative. My first actions is to cast...heck, I don't even remember what I was trying to cast, probably magic missle. So I roll on the wild magic table. The result? Fireball centered on party. I killed the entire party in the first action of the first combat. I was banned from ever playing wild mage again.

[Malak'ai]

I once played in this group where some of the other players just had some really weird ideas for things to do to screw with the DM.

The party consisted of a Monk lvl 12/Tattooed Monk lvl 4(me)
An Elven Druid lvl 15 with a (male) Dire Bear companion who had pink ribbons woven behind it's ears
and a Dwarven Cleric lvl 12/Fighter lvl 4.

This one particular day when we were playing 3.0/3.5 mix, we were in a crazy evil Druids tree hideout when our Druid spots a couple of Drow around the corner on guard.
The Dwarf decideds it's time for some fun so he hands my Monk that worlds equlivant of a pack of cigarettes and says when given the cue to go up to the Drow to say he'll share the smokes with them if he can just hang out with them.
The Elf and Dwarf then start having an arguement in soft voices while making quiet walking sounds which slowly got louder, as if they were approaching.
Given my signal, I walk round the corner and stroll up to the now very confused guards, offer them a smoke each, which they take then start patting myself down trying to find something to light them with, when I couldn't find anything I turned round and shouted to the Dwarf and Elf "Hey, either of you got a light?". To which they stopped arguing and replied with "FLAMESTRIKE!!!". My Monk made his reflex save, taking NO damage what-so-ever while the poor Drow guards, still not knowing what the hell was going on were taken out.

From then on, the DM will not allow both a Druid and Cleric in the same party.

[ZeroGear]

I had just joined a new game that was a 3.5/Pathfinder mix. Everyone was in a mine, looking for their missing friend, and I had not shown up yet.
So the group finds themselves in a room with these weird halfling-looking constructs that only open the door if you solve their riddles. So the group manages to solve one, and proceed down the corridor labeled "Storage". There is a chest sitting in the middle of the hallway. The rogue, paranoid that it might be a mimic, shoots it with his crossbow. Nothing happens. To be safe, the ranger shoots an arrow at it. still nothing.
Eventually, the barbarian goes over and uses his crowbar to pry the lid open, finding my alchemist inside. This conversation followed:
Alchemist: *Inhaled* "I thought I was going to suffocate!"
Barbarian: *Looks at alchemist* "Why are you in a box?"
Alchemist: "Why would I not be in a box?"
Barbarian: *Closes lid and sits on it*
Alchemist: "Hey!"
Barbarian: "Let's try that again."

That is how I joined my group.

[Malak'ai]

When we were still quite low leverl, the Druid in the group I was talking about before was intruduced to us via Hannable Lector style captivity... Night Dwarves (just Dwarves that had been cursed not to be able to withstand sunlight) wheeling her out on a sort of trolly, bound in a straight jacket with that psycho type muzzle on.

The Night Dwarves set her down and all quickly backed off, one pulled a cord which undid the straight jacket.
She jumped off the trolley and ran to the other side of the room screaming.
When our Cleric asked what happened, the leader of the Night Dwarves said the Druid was doing evil things in the forrest at the base of the mountain.
This is when the Druid, having regained some self contol walked up and said: All I was doing was planting some new trees!
The Night Dwarf looked at our Cleric and, with a dead straight face, said: See... Told you she was evil.

More of a "you had to be there" kind of thing, but the way the DM acted it out was hillirous

[Sheogorath]

Despite not liking the campaign it was in (but we were among friends) there was a particuarly epic moment(s).

Our party had been greatly split by our objectives, and our team was laboured with finding and assassinating an organ-harvesting lord and his heirs. Our team was a Berserker (moi), an assassin and a ranger.
We were discussing intelligence scores and since I had made my deliberately low the assassin attempted wearing some magic ring he had to shapeshift into ME. Playing for laughs I proclaimed he must be my long lost brother, and enacted a tearful reunion. At which point he asked to borrow all the money I had just obtained from assaulting a manor house (on top of a door which was now attached to my arm).
But it gets WORSE.

To trick his way onto an airballoon the same assassin used the ring to become an old woman, pretending I was her 'son' to get away with the bluff. The DM jokingly told me to roll a piss-easy intelligence check and I got a natural 1. At which point we decided my berserker believed this woman was actually his mother! It got worse still when the ranger was also asked to do the same check and got a 2... despite having more intelligence the DM said he also failed, but at this point we were laughing too much to care.
The ranger was also an elf- lord knows how that works.
From that point on we acted like brothers (him being the squeaky voiced one who's scared of mother and myself the eternally thick one who always did as he was told) and our crowning co-operation was starting two barfights in perfect sync and taking out everyone but the barkeep in fist combat.

We toasted our victory with a pint. All was well.

[Ulysses WkAmil]

I was running my group through a goblin fortress in the middle of the woods. They immediatley encountered a goblin dwelling within the building, bewildered to see a pile of steaming adventureres on his doorstep. Before he can react, the Rogue, rolling highest on initiative, slings a stone at the poor green-skin. Before the attack, the Rogue said "I aim directly for his nads." He rolls a natural 20. Flavour text: "The sling bullet hurtles towards the goblins genitailia, turning the chainmail around it into molten iron. The bullet leaves a steaming hole within the goblin, no private areas left.". This, I figured, should deserve some sort of Sneak-attack-nut-tap benefit, so I gave the goblin stun. The Paladin steps forward to the goblin to attack. Rolls so high on his warhammer attack, the goblin is done for right then. Flavour text: "The goblins unmentionables desintagrated, he drops to his hands and knees. Your warhammer blowing through his skull before he can realize what had just happend.". That was the quickest, most unmerciful encounter our group had ever experienced. It also made the players look like they knew what they were doing. They didn't. First encounter. Their preformance has gotten...less epic since then...but they're working on it.

[Zrooper]

About a year ago I joined an AD&D group who was great except for one really obnoxious kid wizard.
I decided to adapt a warforged for AD&D, and promptly did, and decided to focus on fighting with two armblades attached, so I put my highest score in DEX, then CON and then STR which were great but I got pretty average intelligence. The kid started giggling about how he was going to make me carry everything for him and do chores because he has 17 charisma.
Then I calculated my weapon stats and found out that I could do FIVE slices with my armblades (which are the same as a 1d8+1 bastard sword which cannot be disarmed) each round, which can easily take all his HP, and promptly told him how I would, to put it gently, slice him into salami if he tried anything.
He mumbled about his Ice Storm and was a little (but not much) quieter.
Later we found out that he, the wizard, had been wearing full plate mail and using a greatsword all that time.

The group later ended with a bang by suddenly transitioning to Paranoia where my Warforged was literally worshiped. Hilarity ensued, with plenty of "Liar! Traitor! Commie!" and my Warforged finding out that:

Even with a mithral body he was no match for actual androids with giant laser cannons (they vaporized an entire shoulder)
He had retractable rollerblades in his feet, but no brakes to stop him from running straight into an electrified force field)

[GideonRiddle]

In the most recent "campaigns" I have been in, or run, they have consisted of 1 DM and 2 players.

This campaign consisted of a level 6 half-orc monk and a level 6 human ranger(me). This is what happened in our last session.

We got ambushed by a group of 20 lizardmen and killed them, unfortunately for their village the monk was quite angry (and LE). Being CN we decided to repay the lizards for our pain. When we reached the ravine they lived in we found several bridges going across and down into it. Upon our aproach the bridges started to swing as if alot of things were walking on them.

There were 4 bridges and each had approximately 20 Lizards on it. After cutting 3 brigdes there were about 30 of them left and after killing around 25 or so one decided to run away. Since the monk had a move speed of 50ft he caught up quickly and used nonlethal damage to beat him up and leave him alive. Once he did this he used the remains of the three bridges to tie the dead lizardfolk together and the live one at the other end. If you spread them out the rope almost looked like a tree.

Then he said this:

"I take the living one and jump over the edge of the ravine with him under my feet."

The DM responded with "you will die unless you roll 20s on a balance, tumble, and reflex checks." Thankfully his dice which were rolling 1s all night decide to take pity. The DM described it as such:

"You launch yourself into the center of the ravine roaring all the way down till you come landing at the bottom. The Lizard under you explodes from the force and the villagers stare at you corpses start raining on them. As they fall you yell at the top of your lungs THESE ARE THE F@#%S I DO NOT GIVE. The villagers run screaming into their caves as loved ones fall and burst open around them."

The way it all happened cause the game to stop for several minutes and the girl listening to us started to choke from an ill timed drink. It was a wonderful way to end the night.

[Zrooper]

In the most recent "campaigns" I have been in, or run, they have consisted of 1 DM and 2 players.


I'm about to run such a campaign; is there any adjustments I should make or are two level two players enough for a CR2 monster/encounter?

Just to stay on topic, I once joined a group which had been playing for many years; consequently they were all immortal, so they really enjoyed having me, the mortal join them since they were forbidden by divine law from killing other mortals so they wanted to have me do it. Later in the campaign we found some strange ritual knife which the DM said my character was obsessed with and wanted to try out without knowing what it does. I think it sucked people's soul or life energy or something like that. The next session was unfortunately the last because most of the group were enlisting to the actual army, so the DM decided to wrap things up with a gigantic battle of 4 armies converging on us. In the middle of combat suddenly the group's immortal arch-enemy appeared, causing the armies to scatter, and I was hopelessly outgunned but safe for now. I decided to help my comrades by throwing the knife at the huge demigod.
The DM warned me that I was completely untrained with throwing knives, and this being a ritual knife and not a weighted throwing knife will cause severe penalties. I rolled. Natural 20! The DM rolled some of his own dice and then told me "Now you're also immortal."

...

That seemed funnier in my head...

[Doorhandle]

Reminds me of the famous last words of Vespasian (I think.)

"Oh no, I think I'm becoming a God..."

[GideonRiddle]

Quote: Originally Posted by GideonRiddle
In the most recent "campaigns" I have been in, or run, they have consisted of 1 DM and 2 players.

I'm about to run such a campaign; is there any adjustments I should make or are two level two players enough for a CR2 monster/encounter?

It would depend on their classes, but we have only one real change that being since there is no healing we each have a flask with a CMW in it that can be used 4/day. Other than something along that line we try to use cover, tumbling, and flanking as best we can and in general fight smartly. I guess it depends on the players really. If they are the type to charge in and attack, but without a supporting build maybe take it easier. I took us about one or two sessions to figure out the balance each time, so just be prepared to make exceptions for if they get overwhelmed and they aren't supposed to be.

I don't know if any of that made sense and sorry for the quick diversion that, hopefully, derails nothing.

[lewisjerry274]

http://www.uuom.com/cs/images/signature_Amz.jpg

So, I want to hear your amusing D&D (or other RPG) stories. You know, weird, funny **** that's happened while trying to save the world. Because trust me, I have a few. I'm known in my group as being The Loonie, so of course I have some great stories.

My favourite D&D story has got to be the time I punched a demon in the face. Yeah, you read that right. This was during my current campaign, and my group was being attacked by these demons. Now, my character wasn't particularly strong then - my character's a half-eladrin (so her race doesn't lend any extra strength) and my strength stat at the time was around 10. So when one of the demons picked up my friend's character - who happened to be a MINOTAUR - and threw her at me, I thought I was doomed. But hey, I rolled a strength check to see if I could somehow catch her - and I rolled a critical. Not only did I catch her, but I threw her back at it. That was awesome in itself. The next turn, though, after a demon attacked me, I decided I wanted to knock it away from me - again, another strength check, and I managed to get a high enough score to land a solid shove which knocked a 20ft demon away from me. Now, we were all laughing our asses off at this - but, thinking it would be funny, when it comes to my next turn, I was on such a roll that I asked if I could just forget about using my sword and punch the demon in the face. The DM laughed and got me to roll another strength check, and I got a 19, which was strong enough to actually land a solid, painful hit to the demon's face. It was GLORIOUS. The DM thought it was so hilarious, and that it would be so fun for me to repeat feats like this in the future, that he raised my strength stat from 10 to 15.

[MReav]

Running my players through a Silly Evil Campaign, I had them enter into the Dungeons and Dragons the Movie world with the intent of causing as much ruination as possible.

Here's an excerpt from the confrontation with Savrille (the guy who made the Rod of Red Dragon Control).

Savrille: Be warned, whoever wields the rod shall suffer its terrible curse!!

Drow Wizard: How do I break the curse?

Savrille: THAT... is for you to discover!

Drow Wizard: I cast Control Undead on him. How do I break the curse now, bitch?!

Savrille: You honestly think if I knew, I'd be a skeleton with a meat hook up my ass?

[conbneto]

Once, a friend of mine was playing a Warrior named Scar, he was level 8 or 9 when this event ocurred.
Everybody was sleeping and Scar was on the watch when he spotted a kobolt. He tought it wasn´t necessary to wake up all the guys, it was only a kobolt. Well, he grabbed his brand new sword (named Sword of Anhihilation) and charged to kill the kobolt... he missed (took a "1" on the die), and the sword got stuck on a tree, he tried to release the sword but couldn´t. While he was flatflooted failing strenght checks, the kobolt was hitting him with a small dagger (1d3-1 of damage).
After a lot of time of a mighty warrior stuck on a tree cursing a lot and a kobolt hitting him on the back. The scene only ended when he gave up from trying to release the sword and punched the kobold, dealing 4 damage and knocking the monster down.
It was epic to see a lvl 8, getting wounded by 1/2 of his life in a CR 1/3 encounter.

[Riku4560]

I had only just begun playing D&D and i was walking through a dungeon as a dwarf cleric. It was just a quick game so the DM could memorize a few rules before the big game we were going to have in a few days.

DM: You enter the dungeon in a plain room filled with rocks of various sizes.
Me: I pick up all rocks in the room.
DM: (looks at me confused) ok, so are you going to open the door in front of you?
Me: Ya (the door was open and i entered the next room, i search the room successfully) So what did i find?
DM:A sharp rock with something shiny and a chest.
Me: I pick up the shiny rock and open the chest.
DM: A rumbling noise begins, what do you do?
Me: I smash that freaking rock i just picked up!
DM: A diamond falls out and a kobold falls through a hole in the ceiling.
Me: I jab it in the eye with that diamond
DM: Fine, roll (I rolled a 19) ok, you kill it
Me: I go to town and sell the diamond.
DM: You get 5000 gold for it
Me: I buy 49,990 torches.
DM: (In total shock) YOU'RE A DWARF, YOU SEE IN THE DARK!
Me: My motives are my own, i also buy a 10 foot pole and superglue my rocks to it.
DM: So you buy 49,990 torches and superglue rocks to a pole, where did you get superglue?
Me: I just bought over 9,000 torches and you ask me where i got superglue?
DM: fine, so back to the dungeon now.
Me: I sell my hammer and head back into the dungeon.
DM: A troglodyte appears
Me: I throw a torch at its eyes and hit it with my rock pole.
DM: You gotta be kidding me, fine you know what its blinded and your rock pole does 1d12+1 damage.
Me: (I kill it in one hit) I check its body for rocks
DM: IM DONE, I KNOW THE RULES NOW AND IM DONE!
Me: Did it have any rocks on it?

The DM then got up and walked away from me, angry that i had payed more attention to rocks than anything else, annoyed that i had spent all my money on torches, and annoyed that i was fighting with rocks super-glued to a pole. Not even to my third game yet i made a weapon and a story that i will always remember

[newBlazingAngel]

You managed to break a DM before you first official session. YOUR ARE A GOD AMONG PLAYERS!

[only1doug]

One from Last night:

Background:
We are playing an older edition (GM has a module he has had for years and always wanted to run but never managed to, so we are playing pregenerated 7th level characters).
The Party Consists of 6 characters, a Thief, a Cleric, two fighters and two Elves. One of the fighters is surplas and generally stands back and holds the horses.
M is playing Dave the Wizard (who is a fighter, not a wizard), I am playing Dave the Mage (who is an Elf), A (my wife) is playing the thief, K (P's Fiancee) is playing the cleric and P is playing the other elf.
certain character traits of PCs and characters are known to us from years of playing together.

The situation:
we are at an abbey complex ontop an isolated peak, sheer drop all around and a curse within the complex, at night a (cold) salamander stalks the courtyard, so the monks have to cower within their buildings for cover.

We have made investigations and plans on how to deal with the (cold) salamander, Wait for it to emerge, Encircle it in a ring of fire and then fireball the center to kill it.

The plan proceeds, the salamander emerges, the thief shimies down from her concealed position and bars it from escaping back to its hiding place (as it had the previous night). I cast ESP and can detect its thoughts (Hunger), the cleric casts detect evil (nothing), the rogue shimmies back up into hiding and P (readied to cast firewall) casts charm monster.

Now the (cold) salamander feels vague friendship (and overwhelming hunger) and I am mentally cursing because whenever P makes a friend he won't allow any harm to be done to it and I really can't think of a way to get rid of the salamander without killing it.

Some feeding the beast ensues (rations thrown from second floor windows) and skull scratching. The (cold) salamander is probably a denizen of the plane of cold that has either been summoned here or slipped in through a planar gateway somehow. no ideas are had that will help. Eventually I think of something.

"if we can lure it close enough I'll cast Planar Dismissal, It will get a save though"
We proceed and it fails its save, a gateway opens up and the creature is sucked through, not to be seen again. a short while later a faint but indeterminable sound is heard. We decide to rest for the remainder of the night, taking watches as normal. The GM starts rolling buckets of D6s and everyone looks at him with suspiscion.
comments are made about the monks really being undead and turning on us, and the GM cannot contain a laugh.

I write a note and pass it to M, he cracks laughing for several minutes.
the note says:
The GM was laughing because there is no undead threat, I have no planar dismissal spell, I just dimension doored the salamander 350' over the edge of the cliff.

the bucket of D6 was falling damage and the noise was the salamander hitting the bottom

[Doorhandle]

You managed to break a DM before you first official session. YOUR ARE A GOD AMONG PLAYERS!

Not that hard, mate. Also, of course he stole rocks, he's a dwarf!

[Umbranar]

I play a Dwarf Cleric of Tharmakhûl, a demi-god that tends Moradins Forges.
So we play in this against the giant campaign and started to clear out a fortress made of chopped trees.

Halfway through we found a huge ass sword after killing a cloud giant and alot of Hill Giants. While the party discussed what to do with the sword, I started to haul the giant size lantarns onto beds nearby. I used the oil and my flaming warhammer to ignite the beds.

After I came back in the room the party was identifying the Sword (we ruled that doing this with detect magic would take 10 minutes of careful study).
Anyway, the timelines got completely messed by my DM and so we were standing in this fortress (made of wood) while the beds were burning and were studying this sword. I told our paladin of what I did and that we need to get out. He shouted: "You did WHAT?!?!". With a smile I replied: "I`ve set the place on fire we got to get out".

We ended up escaping the fortress after killing a couple of giants, were followed by a cloud giant and Dire Wolves to track us, but got away in a Rope Trick.

All players were pissed at me, but now we laugh about it. DM loved the whole thing.

[Karoht]

(in response to the question, Where Do Wizards Come From?)

"Well, when a Mommy Wizard and...
...and a Mommy Wizard...
...Love each other very much..."

[Yukitsu]

Me: I'm Jack Boss ho! Nice to meet you hee-ho!
Player 1: OK, he keeps adding "ho" to everything, so I'm gonna say to him "what's got two thumbs and is like a tool shed. *points thumbs* this guy. Cuz I be where all the ho-ho-hos are at.
Jack Boss: I like this guy ho! Brofist hee-ho!
*brofist*

Cookie to whoever gets the reference.

Jack Boss: Morning Ho! Delivery job from the CEO hee-ho!
Player 1: *brofist* Sup boss!
Me: Sadly, out of all authority figures we've ever had in any campaign, this is the one you all get along with best. A snowman in a cheap toupee.

Player 2: Who else works in this courier company anyway?
Me: It's you two, Jack Boss, and a ton of imps.
Player 1: So no one gets anything in the mail?
Me: Oh no, all the packages get delivered, but you do have to read those receipts that you sign carefully.
Players: Eh, it's a job.

Me: So let me get this straight, you have nothing but granola for the two weeks until you get paid.
Players: Yeah man, granola is great.
~Later
Player 2: Are there any hippies?
Me: You two have literally a month's worth of granola, are trying to figure out where to get weed and spend all your free time playing the guitar. You two are the closest things alive to hippies.
Player 1: Oh snap.

Player 2: We need a guide I think.
Me: Jack Boss can send an imp, but they'd probably spend all their time trying to screw you over somehow.
Player 1: Can we ask for a better guide from HR?
Me: They could give you a pixie that notices everything and points it out I suppose.
Player 1: We'll take it.
Me: Hey, listen! Hey, listen!

Player 2: What kind of thugs can't even afford knives?
Me: The kind that are stupid enough to mug a pair of armed college students that are obviously poor.

[Aniu]

Ok, so I've been lurking on this thread for long enough, it's time to contribute:

In my current campaign, my party of four was infiltrating a castle occupied by some nameless evil cult. They had found out that the cult was attempting to free an ancient deity that was locked away by the current pantheon. One of the player's (a paladin) has a hippogriff as his special mount, and they seem to be fond of the strategy of stuffing everyone but the gnome in a bag of holding, and letting the hippogriff carry them when they need to fly somewhere. The session was going really well so far, they started near the 'boss' room, defeated him, and were searching for several prisoners that they knew were held somewhere in the castle. They come to a room which happens to be one of three occupied barracks'.

The paladin's player moves his miniature through the door, adding a "HA!" for emphasis.

Me: Do you really say that?
Him: Sure, why not?
Me: With a mighty cry the paladin bashes down the door, waking 60 soldiers from their formerly deep sleep.

Needless to say, they quickly bailed out, and thanks to some lucky rolls, managed to fly away on the hippogriff with only a few crossbow bolts as souvenirs... :smallbiggrin:

[Dire Panda]

Hoo boy, I have quite a few stories from my half-decade of DMing. The three that immediately spring to mind:

The Flaming Owl
So let's say you're a low-level party that recently stumbled upon a conspiracy to sell cursed 'protective' amulets at discount prices, inflicting a horrid plague on the city. You've tracked the conspirators to a ship down at the docks, but it's crawling with mercenaries. The ship is wooden, and aerial surveillance by the druid's owl companion reveals several open hatches, but little else. Assuming you're clever enough not to make a suicidal charge, how do you end the threat?

In my party's case, they decided to try setting the ship's sails on fire by having the owl deliver a flask of alchemist's fire - even if the ship doesn't catch fire, it will be stuck in port until it can get new sails, giving the PCs more time to plan. Cue one of the mercs rolling a natural 20 on his Spot check, noticing the owl carrying the flask, and shooting it out of the air with his crossbow. Another nat 20, so I rule that the bolt goes through the flask of alch fire. The now-flaming owl starts falling, and - long story short - the physics students among the players calculate its trajectory. Turns out the owl went right down one of the open hatches... right onto the barrels of alchemist's fire the mercs were storing. Goodbye owl, goodbye ship.

A local tavern ended up naming a shot the 'Flaming Owl' after that little incident. By the end of the campaign, the drink had spread to most bars on the continent, and whenever the PCs entered a new town they would raise a toast to the druid's fallen companion with its namesake shot.

Death by Chamberpot
Much later in the same campaign, the PCs were exploring the lost capital city of a supremely high-magic civilization, which had just been raised from the bottom of the sea as part of the BBEG's plan. I made sure to liberally sprinkle magic items in the home of even the lowliest citizen to reinforce the sense that the ancient Imadrethans had achieved greater mastery of magic than any civilization before or since (the PCs were in the high epics by this point, so balance issues were more or less moot). One such item was a Chamberpot of Disintegration - I figured that using a sixth-level spell to dispose of waste would get the point across nicely. Not only did they take the chamberpot, but they found quite a few uses for it... including dealing with an epic-level necromancer who happened to be a gnome lich.

Player: How big is his head?
Me: Diameter? It's about half as wide as yours, but-
Player: I mean, is it small enough to fit in a chamberpot?
Me: Sweet merciful Cthulhu, you can't be serious.
Player: I grapple him.

So she ends up winning the grapple, surviving several stilled spells, pinning the guy, and shoving the chamberpot over his head. One failed Fortitude save later, the master necromancer ended up headless.

Player (to villainous army): I just killed the Scourge of Nations with a chamberpot. Care to guess what I'll do to you?

Easily worth a +20 circumstance bonus to her Intimidate check.

Stealing the Guard
My current campaign includes a warlock with a somewhat flexible moral code... by which I mean she's CN and in constant danger of falling into CE. While lost in the Underdark and near the point of starvation, the 'heroes' (and I use that term loosely) took out a Drow patrol. Before the bodies were even looted our warlock started roasting their legs ("Those have to be the meatiest part, right?") with her eldritch blasts. That act of cannibalism came back to haunt her later on, when the party was judged by a forgotten god and had to face their inner darkness made manifest. The way I had it planned, each character would survive whether or not they overcame the darkness, but they'd gain a different bonus feat from success or failure. She ended up being defeated by her darkness, so she gained a homebrew invocation that let her Swallow Whole. I figured that her wimpy Strength score would prevent her from grappling all that much, so it would be a nice flavor ability (pardon the awful pun) but not particularly useful in combat. Boy was I wrong.

Flash forward to a scene set in a metropolis. The warlock and the assassin want to stock up on potions for the next adventure, but don't have the gold. While the rest of the party (NG, NG, and TN) are otherwise occupied, they slip off to rob a 'magic mart.' Our warlock just got an invocation that lets her turn invisible at will, which she sees as ripe for abuse. Upon seeing only four guards in the store:

Assassin: Looks like only one of them can see the potion rack at any given time. I'll flirt with him, you walk in invisibly and pocket some potions.
Me: Bear in mind that the potions vanish when you grab them. The guard you're flirting with will still get a Spot check - at a penalty - to notice that.

They go through with the plan, the guard (predictably) rolls a 19, and sees the potions disappear. He shouts a warning before the assassin shanks him (death attack, the poor bastard never had a chance), causing two other guards to rush down the aisle and box in the invisible warlock. They're both heavily armed, so the warlock tries to climb the rack, bombs the check:

Me: Sorry, one of the guards makes her concealment roll and hits your touch AC. Your grapple check?
Warlock: Can I fail intentionally?
Me: Um, sure - why?
Warlock: I want her to grapple me. I'm going to steal the guard.

So the guard ends up grappling her, and she rolls well on her next turn, swallowing her.

Me: That technically counts as an attack, so you become visible just as the guard's legs disappear down your throat.
Warlock: I make an Intimidate check.

Some failed Will saves (and one failed Fortitude save) later, the store owner is dead of a heart attack, the other guards have fled in terror, and the two PCs have escaped through a back entrance before the city watch arrives. The lesson for theft-prone magic shop owners? Make sure you have enough security to protect both the products and the guards themselves.

I have a bunch more, but we'll stop at three for tonight.

[holywhippet]

Me: I'm Jack Boss ho! Nice to meet you hee-ho!
Player 1: OK, he keeps adding "ho" to everything, so I'm gonna say to him "what's got two thumbs and is like a tool shed. *points thumbs* this guy. Cuz I be where all the ho-ho-hos are at.
Jack Boss: I like this guy ho! Brofist hee-ho!
*brofist*


Sounds like a Jack Frost from the Shin Megami Tensei games. Techically it could be just about any of the Jack characters though.

In the Shadowrun campaign I was playing in we had a new player join in. His starting character was a female cat-person (I forget exactly what they are called, basically they are cats that can assume a human-cat hybrid form via magic). So anyway the character was a former pit fighter who hired herself out as a shadowrunner. The other players and myself had made a few side comments about how she might actually be a prostitute. Then another player, looking at helping to optimise the character, suggested she could have custom armor that could drop off instantly so as not to be destroyed when she shapeshifts.

At that point I made the observation: "We've got a female cat-girl who can become naked at a moments notice. Are we sure she isn't a prostitute?"

[Yukitsu]

Sounds like a Jack Frost from the Shin Megami Tensei games. Techically it could be just about any of the Jack characters though.


That'd be correct, except I drew a picture of Jack Boss, which was a Jack frost with a receding hairline instead of a hood, and a tie instead of his neck thing.

[Norad906]

Me and my friends used to play 1.0 evebn if it more was outdated. Back then DMing was granted more freedpm. Anyway, Oblivion had just come out and he was mad the he was the inly one who hadn't gotten it, so he gave us an ultamatum: next person who who talks in any way shape or form about oblivion gets cursed, they invounoltarily stick one finger in their mouth, the other in thie nose, and switch every 5 seconds. It wasn't really nose, think SOUTH. Anyway... We were pretty much epic level and he was probably going to get resurected very quickly, ao my friend jumped off a building and purposefully impaled himself. After that, the only thing he would talk about Was oblivion. Eventually, the DM got him back, he had his character push him off of another building and he was castrated for thre campaign sessions. He threatened to do worse to our Cleric if he healed him. Eventually he relented and allowed the cleric to heal him, on the condition he allowed him to play his copy of Oblivion. We still bug him about it, we call him the Eunuch Scroll.

[newBlazingAngel]

Jesus, that's horrible. It's punishing players for having something he doesn't.

[ShadowySilence]

Stealing the Guard
My current campaign includes a warlock with a somewhat flexible moral code... by which I mean she's CN and in constant danger of falling into CE. While lost in the Underdark and near the point of starvation, the 'heroes' (and I use that term loosely) took out a Drow patrol. Before the bodies were even looted our warlock started roasting their legs ("Those have to be the meatiest part, right?") with her eldritch blasts. That act of cannibalism came back to haunt her later on, when the party was judged by a forgotten god and had to face their inner darkness made manifest. The way I had it planned, each character would survive whether or not they overcame the darkness, but they'd gain a different bonus feat from success or failure. She ended up being defeated by her darkness, so she gained a homebrew invocation that let her Swallow Whole. I figured that her wimpy Strength score would prevent her from grappling all that much, so it would be a nice flavor ability (pardon the awful pun) but not particularly useful in combat. Boy was I wrong.

Flash forward to a scene set in a metropolis. The warlock and the assassin want to stock up on potions for the next adventure, but don't have the gold. While the rest of the party (NG, NG, and TN) are otherwise occupied, they slip off to rob a 'magic mart.' Our warlock just got an invocation that lets her turn invisible at will, which she sees as ripe for abuse. Upon seeing only four guards in the store:

Assassin: Looks like only one of them can see the potion rack at any given time. I'll flirt with him, you walk in invisibly and pocket some potions.
Me: Bear in mind that the potions vanish when you grab them. The guard you're flirting with will still get a Spot check - at a penalty - to notice that.

They go through with the plan, the guard (predictably) rolls a 19, and sees the potions disappear. He shouts a warning before the assassin shanks him (death attack, the poor bastard never had a chance), causing two other guards to rush down the aisle and box in the invisible warlock. They're both heavily armed, so the warlock tries to climb the rack, bombs the check:

Me: Sorry, one of the guards makes her concealment roll and hits your touch AC. Your grapple check?
Warlock: Can I fail intentionally?
Me: Um, sure - why?
Warlock: I want her to grapple me. I'm going to steal the guard.

So the guard ends up grappling her, and she rolls well on her next turn, swallowing her.

Me: That technically counts as an attack, so you become visible just as the guard's legs disappear down your throat.
Warlock: I make an Intimidate check.

Some failed Will saves (and one failed Fortitude save) later, the store owner is dead of a heart attack, the other guards have fled in terror, and the two PCs have escaped through a back entrance before the city watch arrives. The lesson for theft-prone magic shop owners? Make sure you have enough security to protect both the products and the guards themselves.

I have a bunch more, but we'll stop at three for tonight.

Did... did the guard come out as easily as he went down...? :smalleek:

[Norad906]

Jesus, that's horrible. It's punishing players for having something he doesn't.

No, they were related. He's allowed to pick on him. So was the cleric. I was safe, different mother :smallamused:.

[Dire Panda]

Did... did the guard come out as easily as she went down...? :smalleek:

My campaign is detailed, but not that detailed. Suffice it to say that our warlock didn't need her rations for a while.

[Doorhandle]

He seemde to be a bit of a wuss anyway. He didn't fight all the way down, :smallwink:

[Dire Panda]

Have a couple more stories:

Public Nudity is not LG
Cursed items may have fallen out of favor in recent editions, but a clever party can get a lot of mileage out of them. The wizard in a villain campaign I ran liked the concept so much that she took a homebrew crafting feat to let her create cursed items - and add 'bugs' to existing items. Over the course of the campaign she tricked quite a few NPCs with such items, but none stood out quite like the naked paladin.

For those of you who aren't familiar with it, the Ring of Arming (Magic Item Compendium) lets you have two sets of equipment, one worn and one stored in the ring, and switch between the two with a command word. Our wizard acquired one from a foe's corpse, recognized the inherent humor potential, and added a new 'feature' - the ring would activate if anyone in a sixty-foot radius spoke the command word. Some in-game weeks later, the party's schemes were perilously close to being uncovered by a local order of paladins, and so they hatched a daring plan to discredit them. The night before a major religious holiday when the paladins' leader was scheduled to make a speech, the party rogue snuck into his quarters and replaced one of his (nonmagical) rings with the booby-trapped Ring of Arming. It should be noted at this point that there were no items inside the ring.

You can guess what happened next. Right when the captain was talking about the importance of maintaining a lawful society and repressing our baser urges, a Charmed audience heckler shouted the command word... and he was suddenly naked. Much laughter ensued in the crowd before they realized it wasn't part of the speech, and by that point the invisible wizard and rogue had taken up sniper positions on a nearby building. One crossbow bolt to the pally's heart and a widened Confusion spell to the crowd led to a full-blown riot. By the time the riot subsided, the body count was in the double digits, several paladins had fallen, the PCs had snuck into and looted the paladins' temple, the duke informed the order that they were no longer welcome in his city, and the phrase 'hung like a paladin' had entered the lexicon.

Let this be a lesson to modern DMs: cursed items are classic for a reason.

Please Don't Eat the Pirates
Here's another tale from the campaign of 'Flaming Owl' and 'Death by Chamberpot' fame. Our low-level heroes found themselves trying to infiltrate a notorious pirate queen's island to acquire her artifact ship. With a few Gather Information checks, they managed to find a 'recruiter' who was impressed that they already owned a ship, and so he sent a few of his crew to inspect it. Now would be a good time to mention that the party included a ranger and a druid, whose respective animal companions were a wolf and a tiger, and that it was standard operating procedure to leave them on the ship when the party was in town.

When the PCs returned to their ship after running a few other errands in town, they noticed red stains on the deck that weren't there before. Yeah, you can pretty much guess what happened. When the pirate recruiter showed up, the heroes failed their Bluff checks miserably and ended up getting taken prisoner, derailing the campaign for a few sessions. Remember, druids, just because it's your companion doesn't make it any any less of a tiger.

[Nightpenguin]

Characters: This is the first game for all of them.
The "Lawful Good" Ranger Isabel "My-little-sister-couldn't-think-of-a-last-name", slightly unstable,
Cherry "My-other-little-sister-just-looks-around-the-garden-for-inspiration" Rose, Neutral Good Cleric, worst healer in existence,
and Vanessa "My-third-little-sister-is-the-only-one-who-understands-the-rules" Cired, Lawful Good Fighter, sworn to roll terribly at all cost.

I didn't press them too hard about the names, considering that it was hard enough to get them to understand the meaning of "in-character". This first story is before they even leave the city in which they start. The cleric only joined in later to replace the fighter.

Buying Potions
Fighter: "We need a source of healing."
Ranger (flipping through rulebook): "Hey, maybe we could buy a Ring of Regeneration!"
Me: .... Do you have 90,000 gp?
Ranger: What's a gp?
Me: <spends 15 minutes explaining the currency system>
Ranger: Well, what about potions of healing?
Now, I've already been lenient with the money, but I decide to give them a little more considering that there's only two of them and no cleric.
Me: Er. Uh. Sure! They're on sale today! Only 50 gp each!
Fighter: Ok, great. Isabel (the ranger) pays for them.
Me: ... You don't get to decide what Isabel does.
Fighter: Yes I do. I'm older.
Me: Yes, but this is a game. You don't get to decide what she does in the game.
Fighter: Okay. I threaten her with my longsword.
Me: Aren't you Law-
Ranger: I 5-foot-step backward, drawing my longbow, and fire at Vanessa (the fighter).
Me: You wha-
Ranger: <crits> <rolls d%> She takes an extra d6 along with crit damage.
Fighter: ... I'm at -3 hp.
Me: Stop! Just stop! Three city guardsmen run towards you-
Ranger: I 5-foot-step forward and make a coup de grace. <rolls>
Ranger: Does that mean I win?

I DM-timewarp-whatever undid that one, and gave each 1 potion of cure light wounds for free (and by free, I mean I deducted the cost from their inventories when they weren't looking later).

I should stop with these crit tables
Me: As the sun begins to set, you see a horse-drawn carriage moving towards you very quickly.
Ranger: I hide in the bushes. <23>
Fighter: I also hide in the bushes. <3>
Me: The sole occupant of the carriage, a wizened old man in a strange hat starts to offer-
Ranger: I draw my longbow and fire at him.
Me: Change your alignment to Chaotic Neutral. Permanently.
Ranger: Why?
Me: Because you just attacked an innocent old man for no reason!
Fighter: He's not dead yet? I make a power attack! <crit fail>
Me: :smallamused: <rolls d%> You chop off your <rolls> 3rd toe from the left. Also, he fires a disintegration bolt at you. <crit fail> <rolls d%> <facepalms>
Ranger: I think we won again.

The fighter was replaced by the cleric in this time.

Who's the DM here, anyway?
Me: Suddenly, the carpet rises up and attacks you!
Cleric: I dodge out of the way.
Me: No, you're surprised. You don't get to dodge at all. It hits you.
Cleric: No, it doesn't.
Me: Why not?
Cleric: Because I step back.
Me: It's not your turn. It already hit you when you were next to it.
Cleric: Fine. I kill it.
Me: You mean you make an attack?
Cleric: Sure, fine. I battleaxe it to death. Its threads burst apart into a million pieces.
Me: Actually, you missed.
Cleric: No, I aimed really well.
Me: Wait, what?
Cleric: I totally killed it.
Me: No, see, the dice decide that. You don't get to decide whether you kill it or not.
Cleric: Fine. The Ranger kills it then.
Me: :smallsigh:

[Curtis6566]

Characters: This is the first game for all of them.
The "Lawful Good" Ranger Isabel "My-little-sister-couldn't-think-of-a-last-name", slightly unstable,
Cherry "My-other-little-sister-just-looks-around-the-garden-for-inspiration" Rose, Neutral Good Cleric, worst healer in existence,
and Vanessa "My-third-little-sister-is-the-only-one-who-understands-the-rules" Cired, Lawful Good Fighter, sworn to roll terribly at all cost.

I didn't press them too hard about the names, considering that it was hard enough to get them to understand the meaning of "in-character". This first story is before they even leave the city in which they start. The cleric only joined in later to replace the fighter.

Buying Potions
Fighter: "We need a source of healing."
Ranger (flipping through rulebook): "Hey, maybe we could buy a Ring of Regeneration!"
Me: .... Do you have 90,000 gp?
Ranger: What's a gp?
Me: <spends 15 minutes explaining the currency system>
Ranger: Well, what about potions of healing?
Now, I've already been lenient with the money, but I decide to give them a little more considering that there's only two of them and no cleric.
Me: Er. Uh. Sure! They're on sale today! Only 50 gp each!
Fighter: Ok, great. Isabel (the ranger) pays for them.
Me: ... You don't get to decide what Isabel does.
Fighter: Yes I do. I'm older.
Me: Yes, but this is a game. You don't get to decide what she does in the game.
Fighter: Okay. I threaten her with my longsword.
Me: Aren't you Law-
Ranger: I 5-foot-step backward, drawing my longbow, and fire at Vanessa (the fighter).
Me: You wha-
Ranger: <crits> <rolls d%> She takes an extra d6 along with crit damage.
Fighter: ... I'm at -3 hp.
Me: Stop! Just stop! Three city guardsmen run towards you-
Ranger: I 5-foot-step forward and make a coup de grace. <rolls>
Ranger: Does that mean I win?

I DM-timewarp-whatever undid that one, and gave each 1 potion of cure light wounds for free (and by free, I mean I deducted the cost from their inventories when they weren't looking later).

I should stop with these crit tables
Me: As the sun begins to set, you see a horse-drawn carriage moving towards you very quickly.
Ranger: I hide in the bushes. <23>
Fighter: I also hide in the bushes. <3>
Me: The sole occupant of the carriage, a wizened old man in a strange hat starts to offer-
Ranger: I draw my longbow and fire at him.
Me: Change your alignment to Chaotic Neutral. Permanently.
Ranger: Why?
Me: Because you just attacked an innocent old man for no reason!
Fighter: He's not dead yet? I make a power attack! <crit fail>
Me: :smallamused: <rolls d%> You chop off your <rolls> 3rd toe from the left. Also, he fires a disintegration bolt at you. <crit fail> <rolls d%> <facepalms>
Ranger: I think we won again.

The fighter was replaced by the cleric in this time.

Who's the DM here, anyway?
Me: Suddenly, the carpet rises up and attacks you!
Cleric: I dodge out of the way.
Me: No, you're surprised. You don't get to dodge at all. It hits you.
Cleric: No, it doesn't.
Me: Why not?
Cleric: Because I step back.
Me: It's not your turn. It already hit you when you were next to it.
Cleric: Fine. I kill it.
Me: You mean you make an attack?
Cleric: Sure, fine. I battleaxe it to death. Its threads burst apart into a million pieces.
Me: Actually, you missed.
Cleric: No, I aimed really well.
Me: Wait, what?
Cleric: I totally killed it.
Me: No, see, the dice decide that. You don't get to decide whether you kill it or not.
Cleric: Fine. The Ranger kills it then.
Me: :smallsigh:

That's pretty funny, I have 2 things to ask:
1. how old are they, if you don't mind telling, I'm assuming 5-9?
2. What convinced you to play with your little sisters? (not insulting jking) lol
I would love to hear more tales if you have any more tales.

[newBlazingAngel]

I want to hear more, these are hilarious. Your sisters are amazing.

[QuidEst]

Gather 'round for the tale of "The King and Earl Syzil".

Background
I'm doing a quick one-shot free-form roleplay in a no-magic medieval-ish setting. I'm playing Camilla, my comedic bard, who's been invited to entertain at the crowning of the Little King (sort of like a prince, but it's not hereditary). The High King has decided to play a joke on all the delegates- thanks to a little translation ambiguity, most of them thought it was to be the crowning of a queen. The High King thinks this is all great sport, and has hidden himself amongst the guards. Not very well- both the Little King and Camilla spot him.

Camilla trots out a bit of her usual joking, but the Little King has a bit of a mean streak. He insists that she make fun of the High King, knowing that he's watching the whole thing and has a bad temper. She manages to make jokes about his excessive thrift, combining two coronations, knowing that this will flatter the king on his joke. The Little King says that this is flattery instead, and insists she actually mock him. I check with the DM for some characteristics that the High King has- he's very stoic as a rule, but has a legendary temper. And he really likes his horses- possibly caring more about them than his family.


The Story
"A thousand pardons, your grace," the jester said, bowing so suddenly and deeply, and with such flourish, that her hair flipped over her face comically. "I must blame the king's thrift again, it seems- for he has merged the offices of fools to entertain the court and those ever-stooping courtesans whose merits lie only in their mouths and not their minds. But this is small thrift indeed, for I have found little difference myself! But of the king himself… why, I had thought him here when I entered!" She declared, dancing nimbly over to gesture at a stern statue of a knight, set into the wall of throne room. "For the two carry themselves so similarly, and I thought it more foolish than I wished to mock him so openly as he stood there. But no, I was mistaken, for I am sure I saw this fellow's mouth move, a little smile at my jests. No, he cannot fool me, fool that I am. And a great fool indeed, but I shall never match my master. I studied under Earl Syzil," she announced, using the name of a former nobleman, with particular emphasis on "former".

"Our guests may not know of my master and his dealings with the King, so I shall tell them. The Earl was hunting in the King's forest, there as a guest with several other of the nobility. He was such a poor shot and so short of vision that he seemed in no risk of burdening his lord's hospitality any more than a lame-winged pheasant. Well, he broke off some distance, protesting the noise of his companions. And to his delight, scarce ten minutes passed before he saw the largest deer before his eyes that one could wish! He drew back his bow, let fly the arrow, and for once in his life, made a shot cleaner than a miser's coin. Overjoyed at his luck, he went to see the buck… and though it was large indeed, there was something missing," Camilla said, waggling her fingers on her head as antlers. "Meanwhile, a stableboy was being thrashed most harshly for letting the King's prize horse loose. The next day, Earl Syzil was brought before the king," she said, dropping to her knees penitently. Just as quickly, she picked herself up, spun to face where she'd kneeled. Her face turned bright crimson, and she spoke with a thunderous voice that was quite unexpected from a woman. "DO YOU KNOW YOUR NUMBERS, SYZIL?"

She was back kneeling again in a flash. "Y-yes, my l-lord!"

"HOW MANY ANTLERS DOES A BUCK HAVE, SYZIL?"

"T-two, my lord."

"AND HOW MANY DOES A HORSE, SYZIL?"

"N-nought, my lord."

"AND ARE THESE NUMBERS NOT DIFFERENT, SYZIL?"

"Y-yes, my lord."

"You have cost me my finest horse. You cannot replace it, for I did care far more for that horse than I do for you, for it had far more sense! But deer are foolish, and you may pass as one." Camilla resumed her normal voice again, explaining the tale's end. "And for a year from that day, every morning, the Earl Syzil put on a weighty headpiece fixed with two deer antlers. Diligent study that I am, I shall never be so great a fool as he," she said with a bow.

The Aftermath

The Little King was so amused, he sent her off with her weight in gold (provided she promised not to eat too much in the interim), with the High King unable to do anything about it hidden amongst the guards. He calmed down at length, and didn't pursue her for a number of reasons, most of them political in nature. Camilla took her reward, but has been wise enough to avoid any repeat visits to the capital.

[ZeroGear]

In our faerune pathfinder game, me (the Alchemist Y), our summoner (T), out Wizard (E), and our Magus (U) were continuing our session. Our Bard/Crusader/Student of War (O, who was a complete **** to his cohorts) wasn't there. Since the local treasure-horder wasn't around this time, our DM decided to give us a chance at some good loot. As such this happens:

DM: Make a Gather information check
U: *rolls* 7
DM: You hear a rumor that there is a black dragon in the southern swamp. In fact, FOR WHATEVER REASON, MAYBE BECAUSE THE STARS ARE RIGHT THIS IS THE PERFECT, PRIME, OPTIMAL, EXCLUSIVE, UNMISSABLE TIME TO GO DRAGON HUNTING!!!!

So, we went to the swamp on out flying carpet. As it is getting dark when we arrive, we decide to sleep on the carpet, but are awakened by the alarm set by T. A wyrmling dragon had attacked us. During the battle, T uses charm monster on it, twice, each time followed by me resisting the urge to use my bombs, and either E or U failing their sense motive checks and attacking it. Soon enough, it tries to flee (proclaiming that it is "the queen of all [she] surveys") and we kill it. After the battle this conversation took place:

T: Why did you kill it? We could have followed it back to its lair!
U: But it was clearly evil!
T: I charmed it!
Me: Would you stop trying to make friends out of everything we try to kill?
T: Would you stop trying to kill everything I try to make friends out of?
E: But, it was trying to kill us!
T: I had charmed it!
U: Your spells must have failed.
T: I know when my spells worked, and they worked both times!
E: It clearly lied to you!

it took us a minute to stop laughing and continue finding the lair...and the mother.

[Pieguy]

This is from d20 Future, but I had to share it.

Scientist, We Hardly Knew Ye
I had rolled up a new secondary character for my group’s d20 future session last night. She was awesome. 6th level, 4 in Smart, 2 in Field Scientist, high INT and WIS, more skills than you can shake a stick at. She was placed aboard our gunboat as we descended to an enemy base on a planet for the purposes of dropping troops. To drop the troops, we had to get to a safe altitude amidst a hail of flak cannon fire.
One of the cannons scored a critical hit on our ship.
Now, when a starship takes a crit, it takes double damage AND you have to roll a percentile die to determine what system on the ship gets messed up.
The die came up 2.
I knew what 2 was.
2 was the cockpit windows.
The windows blew out, forcing the scientist and my first character to make a Reflex save to avoid getting sucked out through explosive decompression.
Pilot made her save, scientist did not.
Another failed STR check saw her go flying screaming out the cockpit window in high atmo with no parachute.
Total game time on shiny new scientist character: about 10 minutes.

[DontEatRawHagis]

Found out that no one listens to me in my party. :smallfrown:
(Spycraft 2.0)

Infiltrator: I'll check the computer for intel
Me: While you do that, I plant explosives on the support beam to blow up the building.
GM: Okay that's all the time we have see you guys next week.

Next session... One minute in.
Me: I'm escaping.
Infiltrator: Whatever we don't need him.

Later that same game...

Infiltrator: I blow up the computer.
GM: Are you sure you want to do that?
Infiltrator: Why wouldn't I?
*Building destroyed*

Note: That's how I wished it went down, in actuality he set off an EMP device that destroyed the remote detonator on the explosive pack I set. I was planning on setting it off if I escaped before them, even if they were still in the building. :smallamused:

Second time:

Me: I blow up the wall to get outside.
GM: Okay.
Me: Okay, everyone I radio you to tell you all I blew a hole in the building.
Everyone: Okay.

Two minutes Later...

GM: Walking across the roof to the edge, you notice a large hole in the side of the building.
Saboteur: I roll to see what made the hole
Me: :smallannoyed:
Saboteur: Critical Success!
GM: :smallannoyed: An explosion.
Saboteur: Watch out guys something blew a hole into the building?
Me: You mean the hole I made trying to escape? That I told everyone that I made.
*Facepalm*

He broke his ankle trying to jump down into it, so at least I got my revenge.

[Yukitsu]

Me: And in this corner, we have newcomer to the arena, Ted! And in the other corner, we have... An animate ATV!
Player 2: Oh man, I need to get this guy's autograph.
Me: He's totally willing to drive over a piece of paper or something.

Me: Jack Boss thought you two were total goners, so he hired these 2 as replacements.
Player 1: Thanks Boss, for your vote of confidence.
Jack Boss: No problem ho.

Me: Oh yeah, Jack Boss loves all those orphans you brought back. He's putting them to work even as we speak.
Player 1: Obviously, this was a mistake.
Jack Boss: Tiny workers on tiny wages hee-ho!

[Riverdance]

In a game of Old School Hack the GM started me as a thief under the bridge over which the other two party members were traveling, as if that was a good way to get us started as a party. I of course tried to rob them, and being a fat drunkard, I failed miserably. One of the other PC's was a slavering cultist with demonic tattoos and pierced nipples linked by chains that ran over his shoulders and down to the piercings along his spine. The other PC was his buddy. They spent the rest of the session deciding whether to just cut off my thumbs or to take my entire hands. The only way I escaped alive was through the timely intervention of my "old friend Gerry Thog the Barbarian" who was passing by the door and heard their discussion. It cost all my plot points to have him be passing by and come in to save my butt. I spent the rest of the session riding high and dry on Gerry's shoulders.

[Lord Vukodlak]

A wyvern is carrying off an important NPC.

The party Psion uses death urge thinking it will fly straight into the ground, giving them an opportunity to catch up. Intead the Wyvern stung it self, dealing eighteen physical damage from the critical hit, and twelve con damage from failing its fortitude save. Which was enough to drop it.

[Karoht]

Play a Sorcerer. Take Aquatic Orb, Flaming Sphere, and Ball Lightning as spells, and spend an entire session playing with your... spheres. The funny stories practically write themselves.
Such as the villian protesting rather loudly: "Stop hitting me with your spheres."
The word sphere in above example is of course an act of censorship, but do not expect your GM to be so quick thinking when the situation occurs.

Also, teabagging the BBEG with any of those 3 spells is totally fair game.

[Megasaber4000]

Hold on a second i need to get my story straight my friends are in the bath room getting higher..... no no on that was a joke
my party was on the way to water deep and we ran into a rouge who said if we help him clear a dungeon we would split the money.
so we went with him and the night before we went in to the dungeon we had convinced our cleric to plant a bean that had completely random results.
so when he planted it it was quite scary and very quickly a giant oak tree grew and we were under a bridge by the way so this huge oak tree grew and its acorns were made of random materiel from chocolate to titanium.
so our druid talked to the tree and it said its acorns wont make trees so she let us have them.

[Rob Crowley]

Oh, the things you find on a search engine. Saw this thread and gave it a read, now I'm here just to post what I remember from my experiences. Though I'll likely stay after.

Sometimes, it's fun to pull away from the hero type and just play a complete moron. I had a Gnome fighter and was in a group of about 8. The party splits and I go with a Dwarf. He leads and when something seems a little off, he signals by repeatedly lowering a hand (as if to say keep quiet). So I immediately get down and start crawling after him as he continues down the passage.

In that same adventure, I got taken prisoner. It wasn't too lonely as I had a cellmate with a broken jaw, who couldn't answer my questions. Adjusting to this with untold ease :wink: I tell him to nod for yes and shake his head for no. Really complex stuff. My first question after establishing this kind of communication?

"Where are we?"

[Rob Crowley]

Remembered another, but before I get to it, one of my sneakier moments. Nothing mind blowing, but you might like it.

Playing Ravenloft, I had a mage who was being chased by a Beholder. I make the saves after being zapped a couple of times, luckily. I lead it to the rest of the party, who help me out in the fight.

I then get out of its anti-magic cone and cast rock to mud on the ceiling directly above it. One blind beholder. Didn't last long, but it's good to use in a pinch. Keeps those pesky eye beams from working :smallcool:

The silly/funny one came from Dark Sun. I and a guy called James had the... what are they called again? The half-Dwarves. Mul? And Jim was a half-Giant. We were in this small town where the houses were little more than huts and we were looking for something.
Having to hide to avoid being sussed out, we hid on a roof. Yes, two Muls and a half-Giant. As you would expect, the roof collapses and we land on the unfortunate family inside, killing all of them under our weight.

They weren't the most popular in the party at that point. Can't imagine why...

[Nightpenguin]

That's pretty funny, I have 2 things to ask:
1. how old are they, if you don't mind telling, I'm assuming 5-9?
They're 8, 11, and 12 (Ranger, Cleric, and Fighter)

2. What convinced you to play with your little sisters? (not insulting jking) lol
I would love to hear more tales if you have any more tales.
Well, one had just finished Tolkien and had seemed interested in my games with my friends, so I thought, "why not?". I have one other story too.

Diplomatic Immunity

Me: A guard stops you at the gate. "What business have ye here?"
Ranger: We're here to pillage-
Cleric: -A DIFFERENT TOWN AND NOT THIS ONE.
Me: Bluff check. By the way, you have a -1 Charisma modifier and no ranks in Bluff.
Cleric: Meh, what could go wrong? <rolls a 19>
Me: <rolls opposed Sense Motive> Okay, the guard believes that you are here to attack the surrounding villages. He's still not going to let you in.
Cleric: Can't I just roll Diplomacy?

Ranger: Can't I just shoot him?
Me: Okay, but you have a -1 Char-
Cleric: Yeah, yeah, whatever. <rolls> <looks> :eek: <covers die>
Me: You rolled a one, didn't you.
Cleric: :smallredface: Uh, I, er, I rolled a 20.
Me: You don't get to Bluff against the DM.
Cleric: <uncovers 1>
Me: The guard draws his greataxe. "WELL, YOUR FATHER WAS AN ELDERBERRY!"

[Zrooper]

Diplomatic Immunity

Me: A guard stops you at the gate. "What business have ye here?"
Ranger: We're here to pillage-
Cleric: -A DIFFERENT TOWN AND NOT THIS ONE.
Me: Bluff check. By the way, you have a -1 Charisma modifier and no ranks in Bluff.
Cleric: Meh, what could go wrong? <rolls a 19>
Me: <rolls opposed Sense Motive> Okay, the guard believes that you are here to attack the surrounding villages. He's still not going to let you in.
Cleric: Can't I just roll Diplomacy?

Ranger: Can't I just shoot him?
Me: Okay, but you have a -1 Char-
Cleric: Yeah, yeah, whatever. <rolls> <looks> :eek: <covers die>
Me: You rolled a one, didn't you.
Cleric: :smallredface: Uh, I, er, I rolled a 20.
Me: You don't get to Bluff against the DM.
Cleric: <uncovers 1>
Me: The guard draws his greataxe. "WELL, YOUR FATHER WAS AN ELDERBERRY!"


"Your father was an elderberry!" Hahaha I LOVE the Monty Python reference!!

Reminds me of a story someone told me. He was playing a cleric of "The god of everything else". During a hard battle he decides to pray to his god for assistance. Lon story short: A giant foot comes down from the sky and squashes the baddie!

[DontEatRawHagis]

Men In Black RPG

Me: The alien is asleep in a hospital bed.
N: Wake up tell me what you know.
J(in game searching a car outside of hospital): Hey why does she get to interrogate him.
N: Its because in the Dossier we were given it said that he is prone to expelling methane, and I'm the only one who has resist poison as a skill.
J: Oh...

Brought a tear to my eye that someone actually reads the dossiers I make for our games.

[Curtis6566]

They're 8, 11, and 12 (Ranger, Cleric, and Fighter)

Well, one had just finished Tolkien and had seemed interested in my games with my friends, so I thought, "why not?". I have one other story too.

Diplomatic Immunity

Me: A guard stops you at the gate. "What business have ye here?"
Ranger: We're here to pillage-
Cleric: -A DIFFERENT TOWN AND NOT THIS ONE.
Me: Bluff check. By the way, you have a -1 Charisma modifier and no ranks in Bluff.
Cleric: Meh, what could go wrong? <rolls a 19>
Me: <rolls opposed Sense Motive> Okay, the guard believes that you are here to attack the surrounding villages. He's still not going to let you in.
Cleric: Can't I just roll Diplomacy?

Ranger: Can't I just shoot him?
Me: Okay, but you have a -1 Char-
Cleric: Yeah, yeah, whatever. <rolls> <looks> :eek: <covers die>
Me: You rolled a one, didn't you.
Cleric: :smallredface: Uh, I, er, I rolled a 20.
Me: You don't get to Bluff against the DM.
Cleric: <uncovers 1>
Me: The guard draws his greataxe. "WELL, YOUR FATHER WAS AN ELDERBERRY!"

Ty and I love Monty Python!

[Rob Crowley]

A Call of Cthulhu story for you now. A moment of madness, despite there being no SAN loss whatsoever.

I played a PI, investigating another character (this was just to work me into the story). I get taken with them and when they explain that they couldn't have decapitated one man and cut another in half, I decided to help them figure out the cause of disappearing kids.

We stake out this place during the day, each taking a different spot. I am spotted by two police men and end up telling them who I am. I was still kinda shy about roleplaying at the time, so I just went with it quietly.

I'm led to a police box and have to empty my pockets on the little table while my details are taken. Oddly, they seemed more bothered by the sap than the fact I had a gun. This is set in Glasgow, by the way.

So one cop puts the kettle on and goes outside, to the back of the police box to use the phone there. When the one taking my details got up to make tea, I decide I need to get out of there. In other words, it's go time!

I stand up, grab the sap and knock out the police officer with it. The other one hears this and rushes round. I hide next o the opening so that when he steps in, he gets it too. Both are down and out. I get my stuff back, rip out the page with my details in it, take the keys and lock thm inside.

Dealt with. At least until they came round moments later and started blowing whistles (This is set in the late 30s, so whistles aplenty). Then the light on top of the police box begins to flash. To stop them signalling for help, I get round the back of this thing and pull the cable out, letting it fall on a tram line.

By this time, people have come to their windows and begin yelling at me, getting a damn good look as they do so. I flee the scene, by which time I'm told I have to bring in a new character as the P.I wouldn't be able to do much more as he's on the run. He has to leave the country so the heat would die down.

[The Glyphstone]

Men In Black RPG

Me: The alien is asleep in a hospital bed.
N: Wake up tell me what you know.
J(in game searching a car outside of hospital): Hey why does she get to interrogate him.
N: Its because in the Dossier we were given it said that he is prone to expelling methane, and I'm the only one who has resist poison as a skill.
J: Oh...

Brought a tear to my eye that someone actually reads the dossiers I make for our games.

I know your pain, believe me.

[Norad906]

Wait for it: Two more!

You're not even trying.
This happened a few days ago- I found this D&D club thingy, and it had a lot of people around my age (18-25) but what happened is the DM was sick on the first day, so the second-in-command took over, and we ended up playing a D20 based game that had no rules, just rolls. We ended up walking around the town for the entire thing (1.5 hours!) trying to find out what happened to cause a mysterious power failure. It was just us wandering aimlessly around for the entire time, and at the end Cthulhu came out of nowhere and killed us all. :smallconfused:

Newbs are sadist
I was teaching my friend how to play 3.5 a while back and after he completed his first quest (he's a rogue btw) the client (a crying child whose mother got kidnapped by slavers) and his mom offered him to stay the night.
Me (DM): Okay. That's it for now, i think we'll have to continue this later.

Him (hereafter referred to as his character's name, Elrond :smallannoyed:): Okay, so...

Me: Before you ask, No they do not have anything worth stealing and their entire wealth are a few copper pieces

Elrond: Can I...

Me: No.

Elrond: But you said i could do ANYTHING!

Me: Go play Skyrim if you want to be a robber baron.

Elrond: You're mean

Me: Yes, i am. How selfish, depriving you of the right to steal what little money the poor have, after killing the slavers landed you a boatload of gold and EXP.

The funny thing: I was half asleep and didn't have any SRD's because i wasn't expecting that my laptop, which i brung, to die on me. So, started playing this with him, and every time i stopped to ponder the rules or think of a plot, he'd turn around and start playing Skyrim.

[Curtis6566]

Wait for it: Two more!

You're not even trying.
This happened a few days ago- I found this D&D club thingy, and it had a lot of people around my age (18-25) but what happened is the DM was sick on the first day, so the second-in-command took over, and we ended up playing a D20 based game that had no rules, just rolls. We ended up walking around the town for the entire thing (1.5 hours!) trying to find out what happened to cause a mysterious power failure. It was just us wandering aimlessly around for the entire time, and at the end Cthulhu came out of nowhere and killed us all. :smallconfused:

Newbs are sadist
I was teaching my friend how to play 3.5 a while back and after he completed his first quest (he's a rogue btw) the client (a crying child whose mother got kidnapped by slavers) and his mom offered him to stay the night.
Me (DM): Okay. That's it for now, i think we'll have to continue this later.

Him (hereafter referred to as his character's name, Elrond :smallannoyed:): Okay, so...

Me: Before you ask, No they do not have anything worth stealing and their entire wealth are a few copper pieces

Elrond: Can I...

Me: No.

Elrond: But you said i could do ANYTHING!

Me: Go play Skyrim if you want to be a robber baron.

Elrond: You're mean

Me: Yes, i am. How selfish, depriving you of the right to steal what little money the poor have, after killing the slavers landed you a boatload of gold and EXP.

The funny thing: I was half asleep and didn't have any SRD's because i wasn't expecting that my laptop, which i brung, to die on me. So, started playing this with him, and every time i stopped to ponder the rules or think of a plot, he'd turn around and start playing Skyrim.

He must have yet to learn that the DM is all-powerful and his word is law.
All hail the DM! Lord of the game and keeper of the sacred rule book! Lol.

[Keylac]

The group I regularly play with ended up with a bunch of funny stories, thanks to a guy we had playing with us named Eric.

Classic Eric

The classic story (not the first, just the classic) starts with him falling asleep on watch in the woods. The rest of the party proceeds to revenge themselves on him for his bad conduct with little pranks, tying his boots together around a tree, covering him in sap, and then filling his hair with leaves and twigs.

When he awakes in the morning, he's irritated about it in character, and out of character is looking for an excuse to fight. When no one will tell him what happened, he waits and watches. When the Rogue smirks, remembering what happened, he pounces, demanding to know what happened and forcing a Sense Motive check... which he rolls a 1 on.

At this point, the DM, irritated by his blatant attempt to justify his OOC knowledge, tells the Rogue that he'll believe anything he tells him. The Rogue's instant response... Eric's noble Samurai was raped by an Ent last night.

What followed was two hours of me and the Rogue making Ent related jokes to Eric, and tormenting him with branches and leaves while he slept.

***

Mistaken Identity

I also DM for a related group (many of the same people), and for me, one of the best moments just happened last session. In the previous session, while attempting to find an escaped murderer, the party ran into a trap he'd set by hiring some local cutthroats. After defeating them, they had the great idea of having the Changeling impersonate the leader of the group to collect their payment and get information.

The party ended up at the bar where the payment was located, but the Changeling is a new player, and was hesitant about how to get the money. While he was trying to figure it out, the Scout got bored and decided to start a bar brawl by bouncing his mug off the bartenders head. This started a massive fight, leaving the Changeling half-conscious, the Scout unconscious, and the Dwarven Barbarian victorious.

Well, the guard came along and hauled them all off to the keep to sleep it off and pay their fines. As they were hauled off the wagon and dragged into the keep, the Captain turned to the Changeling and said the words I'd been waiting, with barely restrained glee, to say for over an hour:

"As I live and breathe; Tarnus Longknife! Fancy seeing you here!"

The Changeling had forgotten he was wearing the face of a murderer. :) The look of horror on the players face is perhaps my fondest memory as a DM.

[Curtis6566]

"As I live and breathe; Tarnus Longknife! Fancy seeing you here!"

The Changeling had forgotten he was wearing the face of a murderer. :) The look of horror on the players face is perhaps my fondest memory as a DM.

Lol, I assume the party is now going to be in jail/on the run for being associated with Longknife? Or is it only the Changeling that's in any real trouble?

[newBlazingAngel]

Likely just the changling, the rest are just in it for the brawl.

[Craft (Cheese)]

Newbs are sadist
I was teaching my friend how to play 3.5 a while back and after he completed his first quest (he's a rogue btw) the client (a crying child whose mother got kidnapped by slavers) and his mom offered him to stay the night.
Me (DM): Okay. That's it for now, i think we'll have to continue this later.

Him (hereafter referred to as his character's name, Elrond :smallannoyed:): Okay, so...

Me: Before you ask, No they do not have anything worth stealing and their entire wealth are a few copper pieces

Elrond: Can I...

Me: No.

Elrond: But you said i could do ANYTHING!

Me: Go play Skyrim if you want to be a robber baron.

Elrond: You're mean

Me: Yes, i am. How selfish, depriving you of the right to steal what little money the poor have, after killing the slavers landed you a boatload of gold and EXP.

The funny thing: I was half asleep and didn't have any SRD's because i wasn't expecting that my laptop, which i brung, to die on me. So, started playing this with him, and every time i stopped to ponder the rules or think of a plot, he'd turn around and start playing Skyrim.

Given the circumstances, robbing them in the night is far from the cruelest thing he could have done...

[Ridureyu]

We were playing an old-school (as in, REALLY old-school) game, and everybody got to roll up two characters at once, making it a ten-person dungeon-delving party. I rolled up:

A Fighter named Bobert McAwesome. He really did not get very much INT or WIS, but he sure had CHA!

An Elf named Elf. Elf was sarcastic.


And so, the delve! For the first few rooms, the crowdlike party walked forward, chatting, and then A GIANT SPIDER ATTACKED!!!!!

Elf cast Sleep.

Everybody went to sleep except for Elf.

Elf woke up everybody who was not a spider, and they moved on.

The next room seemed pretty normal, except there was a sword sticking out of a slot in the wall next to a gigantic statue of a dragon that looked like it could be mechanical. So of course, Bobert, with his INT score of Special Needs, said, "Oh, boy! A sword!" and grabbed it.

The ensuing explosion killed everybody except for Bobert and Elf, who somehow remained standing at 1 HP each. They then ran out of the dungeon, with Elf saying, "That's another fine mess you've gotten us into!"

And then we all just sat there, kind of stunned at how our 10-man dungeon delve lasted all of three rooms. Then we all laughed for a while.

[Norad906]

Later, the party attacks a covy of hags, note as well my character has a strength of 6 and carries a solid metal staff that happens to have a lode stone curse.
DM: And you drop 4 points of strength.
Me: I'm no longer capable of moving under the weight of my own gear, let alone the lode stone. I can't even drag the staff, and I can't drop it either. I guess they'll drag me back and eat me first.
DM: What was your charisma again?
Me: 24.
DM: No, they'll keep you around for other things first.
Me: Guuuuuuuuuuh. :smallyuk:


That will haunt my nightmares and... other things :amused:

[ZeroGear]

My pathfinder group had a change in character. Our Cavalier kinda left and was replaced by a sorceress/bard who could charm even animals and the undead.
Anyway, we were on a mission to hunt down some undead, and while riding our flying carpet we encounter a black dragon. True to his nature, our summoner befriends it and has it lead us to the tower where the undead are.
After defeating some deadwings (undead birds of a kind) by having our summoner polymorph them into small cows (don't ask), we arrive at the tower.
So we go about getting in, me (the alchemist) picking locks and disabling magic with dispel grenades, we come to a room with a mural of undead in it. This was supposed to be a difficult trap, but out DM was left cursing as it was simply bypassed with the use of a dimension door.
Curious as to what the panels actually did, our sorceress summons a fiendish dog onto one of the panels. It instantly dies. So we move on. We come to a room with another deadwing and some ghouls, and the battle begins.
Our summoner brings in his eidolon, the "Holy Cow" (I kid thee not), and out Wizard drops a fireball in the room. Suddenly, a voice rings out, ordering the undead to kill us. We have no idea where it's coming from. At this point, our magus drops a glitter dust, outlining an invisible adversary.
So our sorceress, being the charming thing she is, decides to charm the formerly invisible figure while saying that we had kidnapped her and that they should be on her side.
Unfortunately, it turns out that the cow was dominated as it attacks the sorceress and crits, dealing almost there times her hit points in damage before the summoner dismisses it.
We go about fighting and soon our bow-using magus ends up being dominated, attempting to kill the wizard until me, the alchemist, who has almost no close combat experience, grapples the magus.
All the while, our summoner has brought in an Illiad (one of those winged serpent people). sure enough, it gets dominated and turns against us before being dismissed.
Eventually we get the vampire by trapping it with a pit spell and dropping a fire elemental on it, but it was too funny to believe:
Thee of our side dominated, one of whom was the "Holy Cow" that killed our Sorceress, the alchemist and the magus grappling, and one vampire dead due to a fire elemental being dropped on him. we were still laughing as we left the game that night.

[Dire Panda]

Possibly my favorite story:

Don't F*ck with the God of Spite

One of the groups I DM'ed for during my undergrad years had a player we'll call "Tony" (not his real name). Tony was a lying scuzzball who fancied himself a ladies' man and played his characters much the same way. This would have been fine had he restricted his lies and petty larceny to the game world, but alas, he owed money to most of the group and small objects tended to go missing around him. He was also an unreliable gamer who (when he showed up at all) would frequently play in an altered state of consciousness. The rest of the group had pretty much decided this guy had to go... and luckily, he gave me the perfect opportunity.

A bit of background: Tony's character had recently used his cheesed-out Bluff and Diplomacy checks to seduce a sweet, naive princess into falling head-over-heels in love with him and eventually marrying him. Being Tony, he exploited his newfound royal connections as far as they'd go, and made it clear that his character only cared about her for the wealth and power. He even gifted her another PC's stolen ancestral amulet to show her family how wealthy he was.

Anyway, after doing a bit of adventuring, the group discovered that the villains responsible for a recent string of grisly murders were a cult dedicated to Cas, God of Spite (Heroes of Horror). After delivering pointy justice to said cult, they were looting the underground temple when Tony had one of his characteristically idiotic ideas:

Tony: "I'm going to take a dump on the altar."
Me: "You realize what you're saying, right? You plan to defecate on the sacred altar of the God of Spite?"
Tony: "Yeah, why not?"

So he desecrates the altar. At the end of the next session, the heroes are riding off towards their next adventure:

Me: "Everyone, it's Spot check time. You might also want to try a Listen check, but the DC is a lot higher."
Group: *rolls terribly*
Me: "Nobody notices the winged shape overhead... at least not until [Tony's character] and his horse are replaced with a mound of steaming dung."
Tony: "I don't get a Reflex save?"
Me: "Nobody in the party put points into Spot. You all have crappy Wisdom. You rolled a 2. You didn't even see the shadow until it was too late. So yeah, a dragon just shat on you from from six hundred feet."
Tony: *frowns* "How much damage then, *******?"
Me: "Well, it weighs several hundred pounds and fell from a great height... " *rolls* "45."
Tony: "I died from dragon ****?!"

While Tony sat there, red-faced and fuming, I calmly continued. The rest of the group attempted to dig his dead character and horse out from under the pile when one of them came across something familiar:

Me: "Alerika, you notice a glint of gold as you dig through the feces. Excavating a little more, your heart skips a beat as you realize it's your ancestral amulet!"
Tony: "THAT WAS MY WIFE?!"
Me: "Some it was, yeah. Don't f*ck with the God of Spite."

Uttering a primal shriek of rage, Tony flipped the table over and stormed out of the room, never to return. The group held it together for about five seconds before bursting into gales of laughter. To this day they say it was the best game I ever ran.

...yeah, I felt a little bad about that in retrospect, but the guy had it coming. If you steal my friend's phone and have the audacity to keep showing up at my gaming table, I will have a dragon fatally poop your wife onto your head, and will earn the nickname Assistant God of Spite.

[newBlazingAngel]

You are the best panda I have ever met.

[The Bandicoot]

You are the best panda I have ever met.

I wholeheartedly and unabashedly AGREE!

[Wookieetank]

Stuff and things with lots of awesome in it

Reminds me of a time I dealt with some obnoxious players as a player myself.

So we're playing Star Wars RPG (whatever Pre-saga was), and we had several guys who were interesting in learning roleplaying so we let them join us. These players end up being complete arse-hats in and out of character and after several sessions most of the party was fed up with them.

We were playing as rebels in the early days of the empire so a lot of our sessions were inflitration and abduction missions to gather info and disrupt whatever. On one such infiltration mission we had the goal of blowing up the installation after we had gotten what we had come for. My character being the exposive expert, was covered head to toe in napalm, c4 and the like. The party ends up splitting up and I was with the arse-hats.

First encounter gets us ambushed by thermal detonator grenades being thrown at us. So I already knew I was dead as I see this grenage flying towards my face and instead of using my force point pool of 7 (used for plot device and the like in the system we were using) to attempt to save myself, I use it to make the resulting explosion of my gear LARGER. Some 400ish points of damage a piece and several priceless facial expresions later, I had managed to stymie the arse-hats and blow up most of the installion without even trying to.

[Jivundus]

I've got one, one that changed the course of the campaign I am running forever.

The fighter, a big half-orc fighter/sorcerer/barbarian/frenzied berserker, decided that he wanted to own his own pub. Here's how he decided to go about it:

First, he tried to buy the one they were living in, but he baulked at the owner's asking price. Deciding that he didn't trust the owner, he went for a second opinion...next door. Seeing as the owner of the place next door gave him the same asking price, our fighter changed tack.

He went and bought a vacant block of land in town, and decided to build it instead. After having been informed that he needed a permit (not to mention licensed construction crews) he went to the Council Chambers to acquire one, forgetting how keen the authorities were for bureaucracy. After being told that the waiting list for an appointment with the town planner was two months, he got angry and went outside...

...only to go around the side of the building and start climbing the wall. Mind you, this is an armoured half-orc, nearly 7' tall, climbing city hall in broad daylight. After the inevitable spotting by a guard, he denied being on the wall. That bluff didn't go down to well, and people started shooting at him.

Noticing a nearby window, he then punched it out, and climbed in, frightening the poor secretary of the plumbing department, who called for the internal guards. Thankfully, he never drew a weapon, things went far enough south as it was. He ran out the door (after bullying the secretary enough to get directions to the town planning department, I wasn’t kidding when I told them the empire went to town with the bureaucrats.) and just ran through the building punching out guards left, right, and centre.

The party cleric, who had been polymorphed into a squirrel after trying to read an NPC wizard’s diary, was perched on his hat the whole time, started throwing spells around too, disabling more of the guards. When they finally made it into the town planner’s office, they tossed the secretary out the door and the cleric threw up a stone wall in front of it. The fighter promptly then spent the next hour holding the town planner hostage and trying to force him to sign a building permit for his pub.

It gets better.
The ranger/druid, who had been left behind at their current home, received word that the governor wished to see him. He went and was told that the governor had heard about a siege happening in the council chambers, and wanted him to find out what was really going on and then to inform the Legatus (up til this point, the party had been working for the government and military as mercenaries, messengers, and investigators, so he was actually the natural one to call in this situation.) Having heard the vague description of the perpetrator, and knowing what his friend (and technically his bodyguard) wanted, he assumed that it was him and headed straight for the crisis.

In one the boldest Bavarian fire drills I’ve ever seen, the ranger just walked into the building, told everyone it was “official elf business”, blew open the wall, then promptly sealed it back up again when he was inside. He and the fighter talked for a while before calling his animal companion (a griffon, it’s a long story) for the fighter to escape on with the town planner (conveniently tied up, of course). He picked up the cleric, dismissed the wall, and left again, still telling everyone nothing but “official elf business.”

Returning to the governor, the ranger told him that the criminal had escaped and kidnapped the town planner, neglecting to mention that a) the kidnapper was a known associate of his, b) he provided the means for the escape, c) another associate of his was guilty of aiding and abetting, and d) he knew where the kidnapper was hiding. He also told the governor that the criminal was actually known by the elves to be aligned with the drow, and so he was duty-bound to hunt him down. Naturally the governor agreed, so off they went, stopping long-enough to get the cleric back to normal.

After they all meet up again, they realize that the three of them can pretty much never return to that city, so they decide to accept the escort quest that has been hanging around for a while, so the ranger and the cleric return to town and buy a wagon to empty their secret basement room at the inn. In the midst of loading up a talking sword, >9000 portraits and busts and sculptures and things of the fighter (he was bored one day, so he commissioned them), and a petrified dwarf mercenary they had never gotten around to freeing, their renegade (read Vhaeraunite) drow cargo slipped in, despite the fact that both the ranger and the cleric were elves and had sworn to dedicate their lives to hunting the drow. Then they set off to pick up the fighter, and headed for a distant port town, where the first thing they did was buy a shop.

And that’s how this party came to leave the province they had dedicated so long to building a rapport and a reputation and start fresh in a completely new place, with completely new adventures, despite my wishes otherwise.
To make matters worse, they were all capital G good, and the ranger was the closest thing to a lawful character they had, until that day. After this, and several adventures in the new town involving mind-rape and brainwashing, I firmly pushed them into the deep end of the alignment pool.

[newBlazingAngel]

Your players deserve cookies. All the cookies.

[Jivundus]

Your players deserve cookies. All the cookies.

I should have known the fighter was trouble from the very first session, where he punched a random in the face and tried to pin it on the ranger. :facepalm:

[Keylac]

I should have known the fighter was trouble from the very first session, where he punched a random in the face and tried to pin it on the ranger. :facepalm:

I feel you're pain. One of my players has, so far:
1) Insulted the Ex-Army Captain they were trying to get work from about his missing arm (in a cathedral no less)
2) Attempted to shoot one of his party members in the back of the head
3) Attempted to kidnap a priest of his own religion
4) Punched said priest in the back of the head when he wasn't able to convince him to enter a dark alley
5) Attempted to get the priest arrested by blaming him for starting the fight
6) Started a bar brawl that stopped the party from getting the last piece of information they needed to finish the quest they were on, and
7) Turned over all the information they'd collected about the quest to the guard in a blind panicky attempt to avoid getting into trouble following the bar brawl, which ended up derailing the entire quest when they failed 5 attempts to recover from it.

Oh, and he did all this in four sessions. He's a *special* kind of player.

[Karoht]

Don't you hate it when you take notes for a funny story, then read the notes later and have absolutely no recall regarding the actual incident or what made it funny?
I wrote down 4 such incidents on saturday and can not remember for the life of me the context or what made them humorous.

Arg.

[Pieguy]

Damn You, "GM"!
Same d20 Future campaign as before. Our deceased scientist's clone (there are a whole lot of them, it turns out) has joined the crew, and on their new destroyer's shakedown cruise, an alien artifact on a deserted planet zapped the ship, causing it to jump randomly through uncharted systems.

My new scientist dubbed this artifact the "Gravimetric Motivator".

So now we have characters ICly trying to counteract the "GM's" effects, wondering when the "GM" will next intervene on their situation, and shouting "damn you, GM!" when they realise they don't have the necessary parts to counteract it.

I'm still waiting for a new phenomenon to dub "d20".

(Side note: the clone was later killed in an abandoned city when some terrible rolls reduced her to -4, then a building fell on her.

I am sensing a pattern here.)

[Norad906]

Story of sheer humorous idiocy

We wouldn't blame you if you got rid of him. just lead him down a dark alley, random act of violence, then come up with a reason to not ressurect him... :smallamused:

[NinjaTBB]

Not so much a funny story but moreover an epic story. I shall share regardless.

Assassinating The Pope

The Cast
All are around level 5-7
Atorin, Human Rogue/Thief-Acrobat
Atyrnx, Half-Fae Elf Favored Soul of Nerull
Loki, Petal Warlock
Will, Human Ranger
Alvora, Human Druid
Miru, Catfolk Dread Necromancer
Beni, Something Warblade

The Story
As our party was walking through this town that we've been questing at for a while, we come across the big fountain in the town center. I forget his reasoning or if he even had a reason, but Loki cast detect magic on the area of the fountain and concluded it had a magical nature. He relays this information to the rest of the party. Naturally they all hop into the fountain and search around. On a critical Search check, Atorin locates a small lever inside the fountain. Being a curious Rogue, he pulls it.

BOOM

The entire city collapsed 50 feet into the earth. All buildings were destroyed and almost every citizen was killed (sadly we didn't get EXP for killing them all :smallamused:). Due to Loki and Atyrnx having wings and Atorin's ring of Feather Fall, only Beni suffered the fall and with minor damage taken. After the dust settles we make our way to the Pope (essentially the high cleric of Pelor, this world's version of the Pope). After some discussion with the Pope he asks if we know how it happened. All of the good or lawful characters were friends with Atorin and thus wouldn't turn him in. But for some reason Miru told the Pope what happened (not sure why as he was either NE or CE and had no beef with Atorin IC or OOC). One failed Bluff check and an unconvincing plea to ignorance later, the Pope demands Atorin go on trial. One escape chase scene ending with the Pope swearing vengeance on Atorin and the party makes it to safety. Believing himself to be innocent and the Pope to be overreacting, Atorin comes up with a plan to assassinate the Pope. The Pope had never been a much liked NPC so the rest of the party agrees to aid him on Atyrnx's condition that he use her scythe and do it in the name of Nerull.

That night the Pope slept in a tent outside the crater guarded by 4 of his remaining guards (the rest had to protect other important survivors). Atorin tied via quick release knot to a rope held by Atyrnx is flown high above the sight of the guards then lowered slowly above the tent. As they get close only one guard spots them but Atyrnx casts Sleep on him. As he falls away from the tent all the other guards fail their Listen checks and continue on. Atorin silently slits open the top of the tent with the guards again failing their Listen checks.

At this point Miru sends his Imp in Dragon form (we had not read the errata yet) to slice the rope as he rushes to the tent. This alerts the rest of the guards to the happenings. The sleeping Pope still fails his Listen check thankfully. Atorin's Ring of Feather Fall plus a decent Tumble check allows him to land silently on the ground. The guards turn towards Atyrnx who Glitterdusts them and blinds 2 of the remaining 3. Atorin coup de graces the sleeping Pope. 8d4+16+3d6 with some exceptional rolls equals a Fort save of DC 50 for the Pope. He failed though just barely (46). The remaining guard fires off at Atyrnx and misses. Atyrnx flies down, grabs Atorin, and flies back to the sky.

At this point Alvora casts an Entangle on the area. All the guards fail their saves (at this point, 1 sleeping, blind, entangled, 2 blind, entangled, 1 entangled) but Miru succeeds. Loki flies in to deal with the non-blind guard. Simultaneously an arrow flies from over 200 feet away and nails one of the blind guards, courtesy of Will. Beni advances to the scene. Miru succeeds on another save to avoid Entangle and summons 2 skeletal owlbears. An Eldritch blast from Loki, double arrows from Will, crossbow bolt from Atorin, and charge from Beni finally knock Miru down to exactly -10. A few more attacks and the only guard to see the party is down. A few spells destroy the bodies and off into the night they fly. We got lots of EXP for killing a CR 15.

[Zrooper]

Damn You, "GM"!
(Side note: the clone was later killed in an abandoned city when some terrible rolls reduced her to -4, then a building fell on her.

I am sensing a pattern here.)

Is the character's name by any Chance "Kenny"?

[killem2]

AD&D, whipped out deck of encounters, and there was a well. Anything thrown into the well would shoot back out and be duplicated. What you didn't know was it took the item from somewhere else, and as close in proximity as it could get.

I pushed my younger brother's character into the well, it created an evil twin lol.

[Pieguy]

Is the character's name by any Chance "Kenny"?

Oddly enough, no. First one was Hannah, second one was Anna. Next one will be Diana.

[DontEatRawHagis]

The fun stuff that can come out of Munchkin Cthulu.

Cowthulu appeared, then Cowthulu fell on top of himself.:smallconfused:

[leviruzene]

I remembered a dialog my not-so-dumb human barbarian had with a supposed briliant elf wizard once.

One of the party members was a really moronic happy-go-lucky fighter, who resembled Elan anoyngness, decided to recite bad poetry at the midlle of a tavern. AS an illiterate barbarian who used to be a runaway slave, my character didn't really understood what was the point to that.

My barbarian was an arrogant rude ass who thought was smarter than everyone else and so was the elf wizard. They were the best of (vitrolic) friends.

Barbarian (asking the wizard): What is that moron doing?
Wizard (face palming): He's reciting poetry.
Barbarian: Poetry.
Wizard: Yup.
Barbarian: Why?
Wizard: Because he's a little flower.
(silence at the table)
Barbarian:...
Fighter:...
The other Fighter (a even grumpier character who played a dwarf):...
Barbarian:... A little flower?
Wizard: Yes...? You know, small?
Barbarian:... A little flower?
Wizard: ...Delicate? Colorful...?
Barbarian: Elf. That is so lame. (by this point we were all snigering)
Dwarf: Gaaaaaaaaay.
Wizard: Shu-shut up!
Druid (who was also an elf): Hey, I resent that! Hey! I'll let you know this is a perfectly reasonable insult in my homeland.
Fighter (turning to GM): So, do I score any chicks?
Barbarian: I just lost all the little respect I had for your all.
Dwarf: ...Gaaaaaaaaay.

[MidgetMarine]

Alright. So, this post is probably going to be long, as my currently level-7 campaign has had QUITE A FEW interesting moments. Let's get started.

Our party seems to have a tendency to dispatch even our DMs most carefully created boss encounters. In this example, we've been searching through this enormous underground cult lair-thingy and come across this small, run-down house. Now, being adventurers, of course we investigate. Long story short: we encounter a medusa. This medusa is wearing a mask on hinges, so as to get the chance to paralyze what poor souls encounter her. So, initiative is rolled. Thank god, My dwarf fighter and our dwarf monk (and his polar bear....don't ask.) and the party bard all roll higher than miss medusa over there. So, being a fighter, i charge across and smashy smashy the medusa. Now, out of the game world, our party is flipping ****. "WHAT THE **** ARE WE GOING TO DO WHEN SHE FLIPS UP THE MASK?" (The monk was cool as a cucumber, as he wore a cloth over his eyes, once again....don't ask) Eventually, it is Mrs. Medusa's turn. And, like any good Medusa, goes to flip up her mask. Thank god for our bard. Just in time, our bard had discovered a solution and readied an action to use open/close on her mask. As the medusa begins to raise the face-plate, it slams shut. (she wasn't too happy) We end up killing the medusa and taking her head and mask and attaching it to my fighter's tower shield (mechanism to open it was provided) We had also looted some vials of Unguent of Timelessness from the last battle and used them to preserve the Medusa's body.

Remember that. It's important.

-------------------------------

So, later on in this quest, we emerge from a hallway, into a giant tower-like room, made of reflective crystals. High above us, is a floating island covered in spikes, and on top is a naked priestess, who is on fire. Now, as she and the island descend towards us, our party, not wanting to take on this flaming woman, comes up with an evil plan. A few sessions ago, we had stolen some powerful weapons from this cult's organization, and they wanted them back, badly. We had also picked up some cult member's robes along the way. So, donning these robes, we wait for her arrival. She descends and we proceed to spew some very smooth BS about how we have retrieved the weapons and were told to deliver them to her. She takes the bait and thanks us for our work as we deposit the weapons on the island for her. She dismisses us. And, as she does so, my dwarf pipes up.

"Uh, Ma'am? Just one more thing."

"Yes?"

At this moment, my dwarf bellows to the other party members "CLOSE YER EYES!" (yes, i wrote 'yer' to incorporate his accent) and flips up the medusa's mask. The priestess rolls her fortitude save, and rolls a 3. She didn't suceed. Our DM makes a sound like a laugh and a groan. The whole group looks at him questioningly. "That was the boss. She was a level 8!!!!!" We were only like...level 5 at the time.

Moments later, after we had moved the nude statue, our entire party, except my dwarf, who was escorting some prisoners of the priestess out, make their way to the top of the tower/shaft on the island and spot a door. After sevral poor attempts to get the island to move to the door, the halfling gets fed up and screams "HELP!"

The door opens slightly, and two cultists poke their heads out of the door. The entire party is wearing cultist robes, so they relax and open it fully, "what's going on?"

Halfling: "He's killed her! He's killed her! The priestess! AND HE'S DESECRATING THE TEMPLE!" (we had found out this room was a sort of temple from the priestess.)

the cultists (assistants of the priestess) move the island to the door and get on. Then move back. My dwarf, hearing the line about desecrating the temple, proceeds to begin bashing and smashing bits of crystal off the walls and floor quite loudly. The cultists, disgusted by his disrespect, ask the halfling, who presented himself as the leader of our party's "Cult" group, what to do. The halfling, being the sneaky little bastard that he is, tells them to shoot down at my dwarf by going to the edge of the platform and leaning out to get a good shot with their crossbows. They do so. At this moment, the halfing signals to the monk, who communicates with his polar bear to push them off. My dwarf would later demand an explanation for why two robed cultists had fallen, screaming, down the entire 140 feet of the crystal tower, barely missing him as the decorated the walls and floor with their innards.
------------------------------------------

Earlier in this quest, before we got the previously mentioned parts, we had been faced with an interesting conundrum. We were inside of one small building, and across a 40 foot wide road, there was a house. On top of the house, stood two mutated Venom-shaped Thralls (exclusive, as far as I can tell, to Monte Cook's Ptolus campaign setting) So, my fighter and the rogue have already charged into the building across the way, and are battling the ratmen within. Our monk (the one with the polar bear) takes his turn and charges across, through the door, to aid us in our fight. Now, I ought to explain that his polar bear is kind of imprinted on him, and doesn't like being separated from, much less losing sight of, his master (the monk). And so, the polar charges across the road, headed straight for the door on the opposite side. Now, mind you, the door on the structure he was headed for....it was 5 feet wide. The polar bear is a large animal. Insert bullrush check here. And guess what? That's right. a 20. So, the monk charges through the door, delivering a brutal punch to one of the ratmen. A pause. And then, with a roar and a crash loud enough to deafen a deaf man (AGAIN) the polar comes charging through the door, and the walls on either side. The monk's punch had killed the first ratman. And, the second, not knowing what sort of monstrosity just charged through the wall, roaring like a wounded dragon, takes his standard action. And puts a bullet through his own head, hoping to escape death at the hands of this unknown beast. Now, as the Polar bear had just charged through the wall of a house, it became more unstable, and the Thralls on top had to take Balance checks. Both failed, really, really badly. The fall, from 40 feet up, flat on their faces. Just in time for our duel-wielding halfling rogue to walk up, and kill both of them with sneak attacks. Yup. That happened.

(More to come.)

[Norad906]

Remember in Bully when the nerds were playing their version of D&D and one says "No! You cannot use diplomacy to make the princess do that! Well, that just happened in my NewbWorld campaign, here it goes:
The cast:
Marlowe as Perdita the Bard (F)
newBlazingAnglel as Balthas the Barbarian with decent INT, CHA, and WIS ratings.
Norad906 as The DM
So here's what happened: After a quest involving a hostage situation (namely the entire city as a hostage and summoning Dalmosh as a form of gun-to-its-head) they capture and give the guy behind it and give it to their employer. After that the two party members in question decided "hey, i'm bored, I'm going to mess with the DM". So, the Bard girl decides that none of the men in the party are "up he alley" (That's what she said.) and she decides to pick on a poor barmaid. The offers triple her night's salary so she can "Find an Inn and practive probe insertion techniques" at which point I :smallyuk: and try to steer her away from the subject. She not only persists, but to make matters worse, Balthas starts looking for his own "date". So finally I cave and go "Fine. Roll for diplomacy..." And that's how I lost my dignity and a fair amount of what little sanity I was born with.

[newBlazingAngel]

You forgot to mention the intimidate check I used to help out Marlowe. :smallbiggrin:

Naturally I got a total of six on my diplomacy check so theirs fun to come. I still say we need a better way to judge intimidate. A pixie bard with 18 charisma is more intimidating than a battle mutilated half orc barbarian according to the core rules.

[Norad906]

You forgot to mention the intimidate check I used to help out Marlowe. :smallbiggrin:

Naturally I got a total of six on my diplomacy check so theirs fun to come. I still say we need a better way to judge intimidate. A pixie bard with 18 charisma is more intimidating than a battle mutilated half orc barbarian according to the core rules.

Charisma is more linguistics. A pixie looking for weaknesses in a man's sanity is better at intimidating than a orc that doesn't know what he's doing and threatens to punch him until he comes clean. BUT, there is a feat that converts you CHA mod for intimidation to STR. I think it's like "Enhanced Interrogation" or something, but you have to be chaotic in order to take it, which belthas is, so wait for your birthday level 3.

[newBlazingAngel]

Definitely going to take that then.

[The Random NPC]

It is also an alternate rule, no feat needed, but I'll have to get back to you on the book and page number.
EDIT: DMG page 33 has rules on using different attributes for skills, as does Masters of the Wild page 18.
EDIT2: I could have sworn that there was a 3.5 version of the rule that specifically calls out intimidate, but hell if I can find it.

[newBlazingAngel]

My idea for an alternate ruling is that everything is circumstance. What the intimidated person knows about you, what your wearing, are you carrying a weapon ect. That way the pixie bard can still get a good bonus because the target saw him rip out a mans throat with his bare hands. Unfortunately this could cause a lot of arguments between players and DMs.

[Norad906]

On behalf of the part of :haley:'s mind that just wants to get back to get back to comedy, thsi isn't the point of the thread...

[newBlazingAngel]

Oh, I could have derailed this way more if I had been truly trying :amused:.

[The Bandicoot]

Running a game with a group primarily made up of paladins. They've become very attached to their characters. They come upon a commune of sapient earth elementals whose home is being destroyed by the bbeg. Rather than attempt to help said elementals as they are slaughtered every last character turns tail and runs.

Rocks die everyone falls.

[newBlazingAngel]

Rocks die everyone falls.

It took me a second to get that. Now I am amazed.

[Keylac]

Running a game with a group primarily made up of paladins. They've become very attached to their characters. They come upon a commune of sapient earth elementals whose home is being destroyed by the bbeg. Rather than attempt to help said elementals as they are slaughtered every last character turns tail and runs.

Rocks die everyone falls.

Oh, Bravo. Bravo good sir. That pun is simultaneously awesome and painful... ie, the perfect pun.

[leviruzene]

This happened just this past Saturday and Sunday...

Me and a group of people here have just recently started to get together and play D&D, and most of us have either never played before, or it's been a while since we've played, so the person who was the DM was making up most of the adventure we were on as we go, with some help from the Monster manual.

We get to the very end of the first adventure, and the DM says that the Rouge in the part (a female IRL and in game) gets felt up/raped by a lich (I think the DM said it was half-lich...dunno where he got that from), and everyone laughed XD

Then later that same day on a new adventure, I asked "Does anyone get violated this time?" and the DM tells the rouge to make a Fortitude save, and she rolls a nat 1.

The DM tells her that her character has herpes XD

She says the only reason we keep her character around is so she's the one the monsters turn to when they want to violate someone

That's horrible.

[Flame of Anor]

Running a game with a group primarily made up of paladins. They've become very attached to their characters. They come upon a commune of sapient earth elementals whose home is being destroyed by the bbeg. Rather than attempt to help said elementals as they are slaughtered every last character turns tail and runs.

Rocks die everyone falls.

And with that wonderful, awful, terrible, beautiful bit of wordplay, let's move to the new thread.

NEW THREAD (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=13516525)

[DontEatRawHagis]

Player M is able to one shot people because he has an invisibility cloak, as such he has the highest body count. This is what happened yesterday.

G: Man, M has more kills then all of us combined.
Me: What about me? I killed all those people with a gas main explosion.
B: What I was the one who set it to go off in the first place?
Me: But I lit it.
M: But I'm the one who killed everyone so we could get to the main release valves.
Other M: It was my idea in the first place.

Me: If I kill M do I get all of his kills.
M: This isn't Highlander.
Me: There can only be one, M!

G: If this was Highlander me and J would be the last ones standing.
Me: Why?
GM: He has tracking devices on all of you.
J: Wait a minute... I've never been in the same room with him. Or shot at him
Others: Me either(unison)
G: But we are all in the same mission briefings.
Me: Good luck with that on me.
G: Why?
Me: I can switch bodies.
G: Oh... well its on your real body.
Me: I don't have one. Last time I used it on a mission was the first session :smallyuk:.
G: :smallfurious:

[D_Man_7733]

Ok, this was my first campaign 3.5, and it caused laughs by everyone around the table.... except me.

A little background. The group I am playing with has a tendency to "Recycle" NPC's and PC's as NPC's ect. now from what I can understand "Ashilun" became the god of magic, or was the god of magic in another game. I was playing a 5th level druid.

I walked into the magic Item shop, searching for something that would stop my magic Item from being deteced (a pearl of greater shapeshifting, allowed anybody to turn into anything they wanted if they were holding it). I walked in, took a look around the scrools, boxes, books, wands etc. and said:

Me - "I use detect magic"
everyone looks stunned around the table...
Me - "What? I want to see if there is anything interesting in here"
Other player - "IT IS A MAGIC SHOP"
Realisation dawns on me as the GM begins to speak
GM - "I don't think this system supports Nuclear Bomb in light damage"

That is brought up in nearly every game I come up with now ie. "It's not as bad as detecting magic in Asheluns magic shop"

Oh, and the store owner had magic tattoos that moved... not my best Idea.

[BSquared]

I was the dungeon master in this one group and I was reading a riddle for one of my players to answer. It was one of my less intelligent friends so I didn't really expect him to get it right. The answer was "reputation" by the way. So after I read the riddle my friend yells "reputae". I thought he was just saying reputation weirdly and I was shocked that he got it right immediately after I read it so I pointed at him and yelled "How!". What it turns out happened was that he was saying "répéter" which is french for repeat. I was embarrassed and just said that he fooled the riddle giver and gave him the treasure.

Other than that when anyone is speaking goblin we all use the most horrendous English accents possible, so every single goblin is British and they think that is just hilarious.

[ZeroGear]

Other than that when anyone is speaking goblin we all use the most horrendous English accents possible, so every single goblin is British and they think that is just hilarious.

Odd, to me goblins have a German accent. Kobolds, on the other hand, are always high-pitched curtsy of a certain Captain Fang.

[Flame of Anor]

NEW THREAD (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=13516525)

let me remind you

[DontEatRawHagis]

let me remind you

Why? I don't see why to move to a new thread.

[HolderofSecrets]

Why? I don't see why to move to a new thread.

Generally there is a 50 page limit to nearly every thread in this forum. Not sure why but someone will probably come around and lock this one sooner or later if it gets much longer.

[Curtis6566]

Generally there is a 50 page limit to nearly every thread in this forum. Not sure why but someone will probably come around and lock this one sooner or later if it gets much longer.
Ah, I was wondering why he just made a new thread and spoke like this one died.

[GoblinGilmartin]

My Friend attacked a garbage monster in a closed off room full of poo and other trash. He used an alchemists fire and the methane in the air ignited and blew the hell out of everything.

[Bulix]

Well, I just started playing D&D with a few friends from school a few months ago and one of the most memorable moments was in our first session...

Characters:
-DM (Me)
-Human Paladin
-Human Sorcerer
-Elf Ranger
(All level 1)

Setting:
So, they appear just in front of this city where they were supposed to find a secret passage to some underground dungeon in the castle.

ROUND 1:
Paladin's checking out his character sheet and is all like: "Oh cool, I have a longsword and stuff" and then he sees his languages section.

-Paladin: "Hey, what languages do you know?" (To Sorcerer)
-Sorcerer: "Ummm, Common, Elven and Gnome..."
-Paladin: "OHHH! I don't have Elven, (To me) Can he teach me Elven?"
-Me: "I guess, but it will probably take a lot of time to learn a language..."
-Paladin: "Teach me Elven!" (To Sorcerer)
-Sorcerer: "No."
:smallannoyed:
-Paladin: "Can I kill him? I attack him with my sword."

Sorcerer dead. First turn, First Round, First Session... EVER.
Hilarious. :smallbiggrin:

[Thump]

Well, I just started playing D&D with a few friends from school a few months ago and one of the most memorable moments was in our first session...

Characters:
-DM (Me)
-Human Paladin
-Human Sorcerer
-Elf Ranger
(All level 1)

Setting:
So, they appear just in front of this city where they were supposed to find a secret passage to some underground dungeon in the castle.

ROUND 1:
Paladin's checking out his character sheet and is all like: "Oh cool, I have a longsword and stuff" and then he sees his languages section.

-Paladin: "Hey, what languages do you know?" (To Sorcerer)
-Sorcerer: "Ummm, Common, Elven and Gnome..."
-Paladin: "OHHH! I don't have Elven, (To me) Can he teach me Elven?"
-Me: "I guess, but it will probably take a lot of time to learn a language..."
-Paladin: "Teach me Elven!" (To Sorcerer)
-Sorcerer: "No."
:smallannoyed:
-Paladin: "Can I kill him? I attack him with my sword."

Sorcerer dead. First turn, First Round, First Session... EVER.
Hilarious. :smallbiggrin:

That Paladin better have fell harder than 50 cubic feet of anti-osmium.

[enderlord99]

Generally there is a 50 page limit to nearly every thread in this forum. Not sure why but someone will probably come around and lock this one sooner or later if it gets much longer.

Ahem! Mods?

[Ashdate]

Gonna sneak this in:

Line of the night from the conclusion to a three-year 4e campaign:

Player: "Is Vecna immune to fear?"

[Thump]

Why has no mod locked this yet?

[Kalmageddon]

Why has no mod locked this yet?

There are no mods! :smalleek:

[The Random NPC]

Why has no mod locked this yet?

As long as people stop posting in this thread, there isn't really a need for a mod to lock it.

[Flame of Anor]

As long as people stop posting in this thread, there isn't really a need for a mod to lock it.

But they're not stopping!

PLEASE, GUYS, GO TO THE NEW THREAD (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=13516525)

Do people just never read the other posts in the thread?