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fraud
2008-08-25, 12:31 AM
everyone has one, funny or not. I have a story that isn't funny but whatever.
As my friends were going through a dungeon they found a treasure chest. One walked up and opened it I said to him "spikes shoot out of the wall and aim at you" there was a long pause and he goes "wait. You're joking, right?" He didn't think I was serious:smallbiggrin: either way a friend just told me a funnier one.
He was running a campagin with his friends but the rouge went to the bathroom. Tired of waiting to check for traps they shoved the rouge down the stairs. She set off several traps and landed with -1 HP, than a goblin jumped out and knocked her down -8. Attempting to save her, the druid used the shield to surf down (yes like LotR:smalltongue:) but he landed with -3 HP:smallamused:
anyway feel free to share your funny stories that happen around the "Square Table"

Xeluu
2008-08-25, 12:38 AM
XD Oh wow, that second one is really amusing.

The one story that most prominently sticks out in my mind is the time when my group was pitted against a displacer beast and a gelatinous cube.

Our group was literally in the middle of a hallway between the two, and most, if not ALL of us were new to playing D&D. (Excluding the DM.) The cube is slowly moving towards us, so one of us comes up with this great idea:

Let's throw the displacer beast into the gelatinous cube. It took half our group to grapple the "kitty" and throw it in, but it worked.

I don't think our DM has forgiven us for killing his "kitty". XD

fraud
2008-08-25, 12:54 AM
XD Oh wow, that second one is really amusing.

The one story that most prominently sticks out in my mind is the time when my group was pitted against a displacer beast and a gelatinous cube.

Our group was literally in the middle of a hallway between the two, and most, if not ALL of us were new to playing D&D. (Excluding the DM.) The cube is slowly moving towards us, so one of us comes up with this great idea:

Let's throw the displacer beast into the gelatinous cube. It took half our group to grapple the "kitty" and throw it in, but it worked.

I don't think our DM has forgiven us for killing his "kitty". XD

I assume you guys called it a kitty:smallbiggrin:
that reminds me of a time my group was fighting an ogre skeleton and I had an actual ogre skeleton figure so as they surrounded it one says "I hit that guy with Magic Missle, whashisname, Ugly." we all cracked up and started calling him Ugly. I know my stories aren't funny but, meh:smalltongue:

Xeluu
2008-08-25, 01:07 AM
XD Haha. That sounds a lot like what the group I play with would do.

The only other thing that I can think of off the top of my head has to do with the fact that my character is the strongest of the three in our current campaign. She's also the only female. XD Catfolk Wizard/Dragon Disciple ftw.

Things our DM didn't appreciate:
- We found a room covered in gold. Well, our monk uses his fire breath ability, and melts the gold off a door, we then proceeded to make a gold club via magical sword plus gold. XD We also set off an alarm by me ripping off all of the various door knobs, faucets, etc that were made of gold and stealing them.
- She almost broke her half brother's wrists when he tried to keep her from running ahead of him. (Strength checks are not good against my current character. XD)
- In a room full of magically trapped objects, she grabbed and removed from the room: 1) Bedside table and 1) Desk. Being unable to open them she decided instead to smash them open against each other. XD And broke the two healing potions which were supposed to help us out.

Not all that funny, but at least semi-amusing I hope?

Ilena
2008-08-25, 09:38 AM
Lol, well the one i can remember clearly is from a few sessions ago, in our current campaign, we were desending a 500ft down a cavern, we were about 100 ft down and were attacked by bats, well after a few rounds of combat (and jumping to a few other ropes in the process so we were all on seperate ropes) i, being a halfling, figured ... screw this .. when a bat came by to attack me, i rolled a grab attack to jump on his back .. rolled a 20 ... so the dm let me jump on his back, he tried to toss me off but i was rolling crazy well (15 and ups with a massive acrobatics score of 12 at level 2) so after like 4 rounds of trying to get me off, him barely able to stay flying with my added weight of like 150 pounds of me and equipment, he gave up and just floated slowly down, the party wizard used this opertunity to do a ghost sound of more halflings falling from the sky to frighten the other bats letting the other party members have a bit more breathing room, when i landed i tied up the bat and when everyone else arrived, i was like ... what took you guys so long! ive been here for ages! So now theres a talk of me starting a halfling air corp ... bat riders :P

TheCountAlucard
2008-08-25, 10:43 AM
"You have finally made it to the dark antechamber of the cultist leader. The room is grimly decorated with unholy symbols and vile markings, dimly illuminated by the blood-red candles that are placed about the chamber. A stained wardrobe stands in the corner."

"I lick the wardrobe."

Apparently, the wardrobe was poisoned, and the rogue died.

Dorizzit
2008-08-25, 11:42 AM
I'm pretty good at figuring out mysteries on TV shows. I also know my DM fairly well. It was the start of a new story arc in our group. The party had been called in to find out who was behind a recent series of murders of people who had been found with demonic symbols carved into their skin. I'm listening to the introductions of various NPCs, and eventually pick out one I'm certain is the big bad. I'm playing a good version of an Assassin.

Me: I begin study Lord Denduron carefully.
DM: Okay...*continues talking about various NPC introductions*
*I surreptitiously check my watch every couple seconds. 18 pass when...*
Me: I make a Death attack on Lord Denduron.
DM: WHAT!?!?
Me: You heard me.
DM: roll an attack...
*hits*
I then calmly explain to the court that my divine intuition showed me this man's guilt, and that if they checked his quarters they would find damning evidence. They do.
The DM then takes out a large and fairly thick binder and says: This is the adventure series you just ruined. Happy? (he then later had a lieutenant take over for Lord Denduron and we went through most of the adventure anyway. Still, he made me promise never to do that again)

Ilena
2008-08-25, 12:47 PM
I just remembered this that happened yesterday, wasent really funny but ... we were basicly confronted with 2 blade traps, the dm said there was a room with crates in it, with petty bauble, some of the crates look new, i took 1 crate lid, and placed it against the wall opposite to where the blade went in, he rolled damage and it wasent enough to break through so it stopped, i did it again on the opposite wall and vola, 2 traps completely done :P I think he was happy that someone accually thought for once ( we tend not to as a group ...)

An Enemy Spy
2008-08-25, 04:18 PM
My friend refused to pay the innkeeper so I had hiim try and persuade him with his pet black dragon. My friend, being the idiot that he is decided to slap it in the face. Needless to say, the innkeeper got his money and a headless corpse to warn other people with.

Wraithy
2008-08-25, 04:28 PM
DM: Make a survival check.
New Player: But I'm still alive!

sealemon
2008-08-25, 04:38 PM
Hmmm...well, there was the time my Elvish thief rounded the corner of the dungeon and came face to face with a beholder, and I had Eyes of the Basilisc (DnD 1.0, doncha know--and yes, the campaign was a just a little bit Monty Haul), and I convinced the DM that since the beholder has sooo many eyes it should take a minus on its save verses being turned to stone, right? Heh. Low level elf solos the beholder!

There was a campaign where it was made clear that we would be doing stealthy type missions from the start, so what does my buddy do, make a Dwarven berserker of course...this guy would scream at the top of his lungs whenever he went into battle, drawing all sorts of crap down on the rest of us. Finally, one session while the player was not in attendence, we made a pitch to the DM that the dwarven retard--I mean berserker would want to lead the party into the dungeon to get the lion's share of the glory...say 50 feet in front or so. Good times.

Final lame story--I was running the campaign this time, and the party had journeyed to a town with a very large lake next to it. The villagers would fish for the giant crabs in the lake, and the ranger of the party wanted to have a go at it, so he rows a boat out into the lake and drops some bait. Then tries to whack a crab with his sword (He didn't try asking the villagers how to actually fish for crabs, so...)...he rolls a natural 1, blows his Dex check, and rather than have him fall out of the boat I simply say that he drops his +1 long sword.

So he dives in after it.

"So, what kind of armor are you wearing again?"

"Chain mail. Why?"

"..."

He didn't last too long.

The punch line? All the bad guys in the module were armed with +1 long swords.

Mr. Moon
2008-08-25, 04:57 PM
So, I was playing with some of my friends, as a halfling ranger. (Don't ask me how. I swear I started as an Elf.) We get into a dungeon, and our Drow Fighter, the idiot, destroys the only light source, thinking it was magic or something. So we're standing there in the dark, and then our Dwarven bard (who I've never liked, and doesn't really like me) looks at me thoughtfully and says slowely, "Hobbits have hairy legs, right?"

So they pin me down, cut off my leg, light it on fire and use it as a torch. From that day on, I was known as Hoppy the Halfling. :smallsigh:

Inhuman Bot
2008-08-25, 05:03 PM
You don't carry torches?:smallconfused:

I remember one adventure, we were talking to the king of Breland. (this was in ebberon) So in the middle of the disscusion, we try to diplomisize him to get more gold. After a natural 1, he refuses, and is insulted by that. So then our party leader decides that the best course of action is to attack the king.

half an hour later, we're still fighting the guards. Breland is plunged into a war of succesion, all because of gold. How much you may ask? 5.



Also, should this not be in d20 general?

Mr. Moon
2008-08-25, 05:09 PM
You don't carry torches?:smallconfused:


Apparently not. :smallsigh:

ColonelFuster
2008-08-25, 05:28 PM
There are two deities of mine, "The Prot," god of evil and mockery, and "Skerrit," god of transmutation and halfbeasts. There's this mythical tree that bears fruit that can be used as an awaken spell... and The Prot made a copy of it.

With that background, that the PCs did not know, read this.

DM (me): The final contest is who can be more ironic. James?
James (is a Feytouched): Hmm... that tree in the plaza. I'm going to burn it down.
DM (evil): That's illegal. There's some sort of legend about it, involving "a god or a dryad or something."
James (is descended from a dryad): Oh, gosh! Um... I use detect magic on the tree!
DM (didn't want to give this away when you're only level 5 but whatever): The tree itself is not magical, but the fruit it bears... *snips appropriate checks* ...have an overwhelming aura of transmutation.
James (with a "well that's weird" look on his face): I eat the fruit.
Cam (Dwarven ranger with a romanian accent): YOU WHAT??? YOU ATE IT???
DM (Rolls a d100 and opens the list of animals): Oh dear.
Cam (glances at dice, counts down list): Elephant, African. AAA-Eheheheheh! Great, Abu!
James (:smallconfused:):What?
DM (channeling EGG): You turn into an african elephant. Your robes rip off, and a blaring trumpeting escapes from your trunk.
Cam (laughing hysterically): WE SHALL CALL YOU STAMPY!
DM: You win the contest by default.

Another one is that my friend cam has a character, a dwarven sniper, who is based on the father of my friend Jon. Jon's dad is from Romania, and has an awesome accent that Cam imitates.
His dad calls Jon, "Jonitini." So Cam calls the sorcerer, Jekyll, "Jekyll-tini."
He also uses various catchphrases that are real-life bits of wisdom from Jon's dad, such as, "women trap you. women will get pregnant and trap you," and "follow the money."

Good times. Yeah, and I know, TL;DW. YHTBT.

Gem Flower
2008-08-25, 05:50 PM
So here's two connected stories that really just pissed me off, but everyone else found them funny.:smallannoyed: Some background info; I'm the only girl in my group, and we were playing 35th levels. So my party is trying to get the local Resistance group against a tyrant to trust us. So they tell us we have to rescue their leader from the noose. So, for the first time ever, we actually make a plan. With at least five back-up plans if something goes wrong. So yeah, we rescue the guy. You know what the guy we rescued does? He starts hitting on my character. I start with just refusing him. Eventually I knock him unconscious. Then, a long time later, we're in our party wizard's private dimension or plane or whatever to recuperate. So what does one guy in my party do? He goes to find the moron who was hitting on me. Naturally, I knock him unconscious again. Still, I was really, really ticked off.:smallfurious:

luffy316
2008-09-10, 05:09 AM
As DM, I try to make sure the party is having fun in my games above all else. This means lots of insanity and laughter. Was a homebrew campaign before I totally understood dnd, so pardon any rules gaps

Party Rundown: they liked to multi-class

Balthas Giggleberry: 1/2 orc bard/fighter. Alternately femininely skipping and singing or viciously smashing things with a hammer. Self-absorbed and great RPer

Lupus: human thief/fighter. Selfish and greedy, but does it in good fun and never totally betrayed the team. Hated Ecko

Ecko: half-elf druid/monk. only particularly moral member, youngest player. Often neglected or abused

Urith: drow mage/monk. Quite neutral, only in the sense that he'd basically help anybody in the party with anything they tried.


*Throughout the game, Balthas has picked up a "I drink it!" stance on things he encounters. He finds a box of potions. "I drink it!" Acid burns his lip off. He finds a magical bottle of white liquid. "I drink it!" Think Spider-man webs attaching the bottle to his face.

Eventually, the gang raids an old castle infested with monsters. They enter a room with a ghost guarding it, which turns out to be a room for blacksmithing. There is a dingy pool of water there for cooling the weapons, which i meant to make enchant whatever item they put in there.

"I drink it!" I blink a few times, then I ask for his character sheet. I bump his physical stats up a point or two each and give him glowing blue eyes, now being authentically magical.

Balthas: "See!? The key to adventuring is to eat everything!"
Lupus: "Hell, can we go back and eat those werewolves we just killed?"


*Ecko finds a magical horn that lets him summon a ghost ship manned by undead (who can't go far from shore). Lupus, at the time Ecko discovered this, has been out with a magical sword he discovered while robbing a royal treasury. After several towns, he finds a wizard powerful enough to identify it as a wishing sword. He very clearly and carefully warns Lupus not to waste it and be careful what he says while he carries it.

Immediately, Lupus screams out "I wish I could never die!" I agree to this, since I'm admittedly lenient and I planned to permanently cripple him or something later. People say I should have turned him into an unbreakable statue or something, but I'm not big on ironic twist wishes.

Ecko reunited with the gang, introducing his new ghost crew. Lupus enviously tries to swipe it, but Ecko dodges. Lupus' player looks me square in the eye and goes "I WISH MARCUS WAS DEAD!" (ecko's player) in a loud clear voice.

He drops dead instantly, taking nearly a week and a lot of money for a cleric to revive him. Lupus' pure hate just amused me so

*The group is charged by a baron to infiltrate and stop a slave ring across seas. He lends them his finest vessel for this cause. Still jealous of Ecko's zombie ship, Lupus firmly goes with the baron's ship, determined to outrace Ecko's.

Lupus: "So, what's this boat called anyway?"
ship captain: "It's the Sea Saint"
Lupus: "WHAT?! That's dumb! We need a cool name. Something badass. It needs to say 'We f*** up undead."
Me: "That's necrophelia, dave."
Lupus: "...I grab some paint and try to write Necrophelia on the side of the boat."


*The group winds up racing their ships, with Ecko's (holding Balthas, himself, and Balthas' slightly kidnapped assistant 8-year old Zach) leading due to a tireless band of zombie rowers. Lupus starts throwing daggers at the zombies, picking them off. Ecko defends himself by firing lit arrows onto their boat. Urith (on Lupus' boat) casts flaming sphere and begins to steer it in and out of the zombie ship's hull.

Balthas: "Say... that scroll of enlargement I found before..."
Me: "Yea?"
Balthas: "Does that work on objects too?"
Me: "Yea, I guess so."
Balthas: "Perfect. I cast it on the cannon."

Balthas fires an elephant-sized cannonball into the Sea Saint, Lupus desperately trying to deflect it with a thunderbolt from a magical spear of his and blasting the undead ship's mast down before his ship has its front half torn off.

They're left wide open for the pirate ambush (magic-users who Invisibility-ed their ships), who attack the ships as they try to rescue what they can from the Sea Saint. Lupus finally gets on board, attacking pirates left and right but constantly missing or almost falling off deck from poor rolls.

Lupus: "Dammit! I wish I was dead!"
Me: *grins like an ass
Lupus: "What?"
Me: "Remember that sword you had?"
Lupus: "But... but I wished i could never die!"
Me: "Well... but this wish can... it didn't ... ok, Death pulls your soul out to talk this over with you."

We finally ruled that he lost his immortality in exchange for living in the end, but he didn't seem to mind.


*The group searches a dungeon, finding a chamber where a huge skeleton with an axe for a hand lies.
Urith: "Okay... that thing is obviously going to spring to life on us. Lupus, check for traps."
Lupus does so, actually finding a hidden panel with a small chest in it. He grabs it and runs for his life, expecting the skeleton to come to life.

Balthas: "QUICK! HE'S GETTING AWAY WITH THE LOOT!" *grabs and hurls the npc priest Hobs the halfing, hurling him like a dodgeball
Lupus actually rolled so well on a dodge that I had him deflect Hobs easily, swatting him back like a tennis ball with his bare hand and smacking Balthas in the face with his own projectile teammate

*My favorite example of Balthas' RPing.

The group winds up at the kingdom where the slave ring they're busting is centered. The group goes about different approaches. Urith leaves them to handle it, going to the wizard's guild and doing the group's shopping. Lupus bribes up the thieves' guild for info. Marcus uses his wildshape to become a crow and infiltrate the castle via the windows for info.

Balthas walks up to the front door and demands to speak with the king. The guards refuse, so he promptly beats them up and takes their clothes. They're a tight fit, but they pass. He bluffs past several guards before he reaches the final pair of guards before he's in. He hides behind a pillar and tells me this...

"I take off my disguise, only to realize I wore nothing underneath it but my warhammer. I pause, shrug, then walk on anyway."

Balthas approaches the dumbfounded guards. "Balthas Giggleberry DEMANDS to see the king!" he announces dramatically, thrusting or posing with every word.

Me: "I don't care how good your charisma is, you're a naked, armed half-orc on royal property. They attack you."

The guard gets a lucky roll, and I wind up ruling that his ax takes off his junk.

Balthas: "..............BALTHAS GIGGLEBERRY IS NEVER A MAN TO RETREAT! But the situation demands it. I grab Balthas Junior and leap out the nearest glass thing, preferably a window."

Balthas books it to the nearest temple.
"I thrust my bloody junk into his face and scream "HELP MEEEEE!"
Me: "One nun faints while another priest vomits."
Priest: "Calm down, friend. We can help this."
Balthas: "Can you make it bigger?"
Priest: "No."
Priest 2: "Giggle."
Balthas: "It's not funny!!"
Priest2: "No, that's not it.... Regenerate is a touch-based spell." (basically stole from classic OoTS, i know)
*tremendous pause by all
Priest: "Sigh. Let's get this over with..."
Balthas: "So, uh... do I cough or something?"
Priest: "Shut up."
Balthas: "..." *faint coughing sound
Priest: "Stop that!"

*The entire party winds up being arrested or their items looted to force them to come to court (all over petty reasons brought on by themselves, I swear). All except Balthas. The others all show up to prove their innocence while Balthas comes to the courthouse and demands to see the trial. The clerk doesn't know which he's talking about, so she lists off a few offhandedly. Balthas pauses at mention of "Cuthroat Bill: charged with 20 counts of murder and rape each," but passes. When they're about to be found guilty, they make a daring escape from town. Pursued by guards, Balthas insists he has a plan and stays behind.

He lets himself be arrested, taking credit for everything ("The thieving, the killing, the stuff I'd have to have been in two places at once to do..."). Once in jail, he asks the inmates if they know where Cutthroat Bill is.

I'm stunned and say he's held in a private secure cell elsewhere in the jail, Balthas breaking out using a magic toy horse and riding to free Bill in the next room. I spontaneously make up off the top of my head a 9 foot ogre with a battleax picking at a deer carcas. Balthas is set on making him the party's new muscle, and his outstanding Charisma + Bill's atrocious intelligence hires him on the spot, despite my emphasis of his evil as they escape ("He knocks people out of his way as he runs. He even stops and turns back a few times just to knock people over anyway,"). Thing is, the group grew to love the cannibal/rapist/imbecilic murderer, and their chaos was a sort of outlet for him that made him a lot less dangerous. Belkar-syndrome, I guess...



*I often pointed out to the party their habit of going through its share of NPCS, mostly their clerics. They started with a halfling Hobs, but he wound up leaving the after the arresting incident because of his moral standing with his goddess. They later picked up Andy (short for Andilus), an elf dedicated to a god of true pacifism, apathy, and neutrality. He stayed for a while before their severe infighting and strokes of cruelty blew his nerves and he walked out. When we last played the campaign, they had picked up Laracez, a drow priestess of disease, mischief, and chaos. I pointed out that this was the closest they would get to one that would work with them.

Headless_Ninja
2008-09-10, 12:58 PM
Our only really funny story was the time that we were exploring down a long corridor which we knew to be filled with pit traps. The thief couldn't be bothered to find and disengage them all, so we tied the dwarf to a short rope which we all tied around ourselves and had him walk slightly in front of everyone. By the fifth time we'd nearly fallen over and dropped him onto a set of spikes, we decided that that wasn't such a great idea after all.

The only other one is less funny, more amusing and characterful. We were fighting a bunch of smugglers on the edge of a cliff after we had discovered their hidden loot. As we had the local town guard with us, we had been ordered to use nonlethal force so that they could face due justice, etc. The thief hits a smuggler in the shoulder with his magical throwing knife from a short distance away. The man, while not killed begins to topple backwards, over the cliff. The thief darts forwards, grabs the man firmly, pulls the knife from his shoulder... And lets him fall.

Vampiric
2008-09-10, 01:16 PM
Hehehe... Funny funny stuff...

My best one, I think, is from a few years ago, and is the shortest campaign I have ever been on.

Our party is grouped together to go into an evil dungeon that the locals had recently become suspicious of, and avoided.

We got as far as the first corridor.

The end of it appeared to open into a room, until a solid iron door came down and blocked off the end. Moments later, the same happened to the entrance through which we'd come. Trapped in this corridor, we're looking for any possible means of escape, before we suffocate in this sealed corridor.

The Fighter spots some small holes in the wall, but doesn't possess anything small enough to prod through. He rips the quarterstaff out of the Monk's (me) hands (we actually rolled strength checks), and shoves that through the wall. We all stop, and hear something rip. Then hiss. He removes the quarterstaff, and thereby releases the poison gas, which was probably some other trap the DM had going for us after we found some way through the door...

That campaign lasted about 25 minutes...

TheCountAlucard
2008-09-10, 01:30 PM
Okay, so, last session I DMed gave me three new players to deal with. One has been playing playing D&D for fourteen years, one played a little 2.0, and one is entirely new to the game.

The experienced player was being a jerk, both in-character and out-of-character. He'd constantly tell the new guy that his character wouldn't know such things, because "you're a dumb fighter, durrh," et cetera.

Anyway, later on, they broke into the lair of an evil necromancer, Slimph Landarin. They find out that he's not in, so they start looting. Slimph comes back soon after, and is naturally quite upset with them. Well, jerk player decides to cast silence on himself and attempt to grapple Slimph on the next round, rather than surrender the huge diamond and wand that he had stolen. What he didn't know was that Slimph was a Swarmshifter Wight.

So, Slimph dissolves into a giant swarm of centipedes while grappled. Jerk player fails both Fortitude saves, so is both poisoned and nauseated in addition to the swarm damage.

Tons of fun.

fraud
2008-09-10, 01:45 PM
I can't help but notice that most DM's here complain that their groups never make a plan:smalltongue:
my group does the exact same the run in and open every treasure chest without thinking of traps or anything and slash randomly. I basically have to do all the work:smallannoyed:

but I was laughing SOOOOO hard while reading these. No funny stories from me, we haven't played in so long. Keep up the good, funny, work:smallwink:

mangosta71
2008-09-10, 01:49 PM
In the first session of my current RL campaign, we'd come into a village. The party made arrangements to keep the local wizard distracted that night while the rogue (me) slipped into his tower for some recon. To pull it off, we dressed up the paladin (male player RPing a 17 year-old girl) in clothing that I stole from around town. During their dinner conversation, I claimed to not be feeling very well and went upstairs and hopped out through a window. I proceeded to the tower, but the only way in was a second story window. I rolled three consecutive 1s to toss my grappling hook in for purchase. After much swearing and the decision to just take 10, I made it up and proceeded to loot the tower. I then returned to the inn, climbed back in through the upstairs window, and sauntered back downstairs where I rejoined the conversation with the wizard guy. And of course to finish it all off, when the party all went back to our rooms I lied through my teeth and told them I hadn't found anything. Few hundred gold and some magic bracers for me!

truemane
2008-09-10, 01:57 PM
My single favourite D&D Moment was when my Wizard and the party's Fighter were playing by ourselves. We had to get to a town at some manner of breakneck speed to save someone from dying or somesuch.

I pulled out a teleport scroll which I had stashed away and that the DM had COMPLETELY forogtten about. I start to read it and the Fighter says, "Have you ever been there before?"

I say. "No. Never. Never seen it or had it described."

And he goes, "Isn't that dangerous? We could wind up appearing in the air, or in the ground, right?"

I shake my head as though THAT were the dumbest thing I had ever heard. "What is it, like a 15% chance? Pfft. Never happen."

He says, "Seems dangerous."

And I say (direct quote): "Come on! Live a little!"

We roll a 2. We wind up 130 feet under the ground. We are DEAD. DEAD DEAD DEAD.

I laughed for days.

Green-Shirt Q
2008-09-10, 02:48 PM
Another story that is funny in my opinion is one that happened to me and my brother (the two man party with an NPC cleric) on my first time playing the game.

I had chosen a Lizardman (now known as Lizardfolk as to not be sexist) because I thought the other things were too boring. Theif was my class becuase had thought that the other classes sounded boring too.

Anyway, we invaded and pillaged the kobold caves. A completely unprovoked attack that I had questioned. Because I had questioned it, the DM used his cleric to hit me. :smallannoyed:

Anyway again, the quest eventually lead to us running into a pantry full of wine away from a pack of rightfully angry reptiles.

I had come up with a brilliant plan to dispatch them all in a single blow. Using our torches and the wine to set a trap in the door (my DM had a homebrew rule for a theif to set traps, which was basically the same chart to roll to spot and deactivate traps, but reverse. This was the first edition) causing the kobolds to catch fire and all burn to the ground, using our weapons to speed up the dying process and pick of the isolated survivors.

What was funny about this massive arson of the kobolds was the loot we picked up. Turns out the kobolds had one potion in their stash. A single......fire resistance potion.

Our party laughed for thirty minutes straight. :smallbiggrin:

mangosta71
2008-09-10, 03:05 PM
That reminded me one of my college campaigns. We had captured some goblin slaves, and rather than freeing them, the bard kept them in their connected chain thingy and dragged them around. We eventually ran into something too big for the party. The bard lit the goblins on fire and used the lead on the chain to sling them at the monster while we all ran away.

Jarade
2008-09-10, 03:39 PM
In one of my first campaigns we where set in an island hopping world (picture Pirates of the Carribean) and we were on a deserted island that we heard one of the Human pirate organization's lieutenants was located. As the group sat there waiting for the guy to show up, an epic battle between the elven pirates and the human pirates erupted, and we watched the gorefest from a safe distance away. Of course, the guy we were looking for got away, but we did manage to snag us one of the human survivors and question him.

Rouge: Where is <insert name here>?
Human: I will never tell you! Even if you kill me, my boss will find out who you are, and kill you! You don't frighten me
Rouge: Fool, we didn't kill you, the elves killed you. (initiate intimidate check)
GM running the human: -You intimidated me...
Rouge: So i passed?
Gm: Oh, no the guy rolled a natural 20.

The group wiped the next session....

Vella_Malachite
2008-09-11, 06:08 AM
We had a good reel of comments during the campaign I'm currently DMing (first campaign ever!)

Player 1: "We should get some extra food. We should hunt or something."
Player 2: "Sure. You and I will go, and Players 3 and 4 will continue; we'll meet up at the base of the mountains."
DM: "OK, then. A little way off to the East, you find a herd of buffalo"
Player 1: "OK. How are we going to do this?"
Player 2: "Buffalo can't stand up well. We could just walk up and tip them over."
Player 3: "Maybe we should just domesticate them."
Player 1: "...Maybe not"
Long story short, they decide on a course of action and end up catching a buffalo. Over a couple of days, they dry the meat they've killed. It's still a significant amount (over 900 lbs), leading to the following exchange:

Player 2: "We shouldn't eat too much of the meat, I mean, we've only got so much."
Player 1: "Yes, [name], we've only got so much!"

And the classic dragon encounter.
Player 2: "I'll cast (one of those confusion-type spells) on it."
Player 1: "Dragon. WILL SAVE."

luffy316
2008-09-11, 03:25 PM
The gang leaves a monster-infested "shortcut" of a tunnel, battered in general. They meet a group of thives I'd intended for them to fight, but Urith's player (see previous post for cast) was smart enough to charm them into just being travel companions to the next city.

The thieves included Krag, an ogre with a pike. Lupus tries to strike up conversation with him.

Lupus: "Sooo.. spear, huh? I prefer spears myself, too."
Krag: "Ah! Krag love spears! Maybe we compare spear notes some time!"
Lupus: "Uh... yea."
*Krag eagerly hands him a pamphlet, with very ornate handwriting reading "Krag Bloodwater's Spear Notes"
Lupus: ....I read it?
Me: "It's really just a bunch of stick figures stabbing other ones on the inside."

UncleWolf
2008-09-11, 04:57 PM
My brother got attacked by a dire weasel that hopped out of a barrel.

Hilarity ensued.

Staven
2008-09-11, 05:57 PM
We were doing a sample 4e thing my DM had produced. The gnomes...they came out of nowhere. They were ****ing everywhere, man! Barely made it out with my life.

some_other_dave
2008-09-12, 07:28 PM
These didn't happen to me, but when I read them I laughed until I cried....

http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html

-soD

Shai'Hulud
2008-09-13, 03:22 PM
One day a bunch of my friends and I got together to play. Our DM decided to let one of the players play a gargoyle archer. After we had left town we ran into a wyvern. The gargoyle archer proceeded to fly up and shoot at it while the rest of the party, except the one guy who failed his spot check proceeded to stop and follow suit. After a couple rounds a shot from the gargoyle killed the wyvern which fell on the rest of the party, everyone but the gargoyle and the person who failed their spot check was killed by the falling damage from the wyvern.

Silence
2008-09-13, 03:29 PM
Ok, so I'm an 18th level palidin in charge of Earth's last line of defense against billions of raging creatures. I have millions of men, women, and children that will die if I fail. I have dozens of four mile long walls manned with thousands of archers. Hell, I have a demigod (a very weak one). I mean, this is serious. Were talking so much magic, that my wizards actually created a magical sentient entity to fight for us.

Anyway, normal stuff. First round of combat, DM rolls a D100 on his laptop. Perfect 100. This means one of the magical traps misfired and hit me. Rolls a crit, and kills me instantly. My body was thrown into the horde of enemies, so it couldn't be raised.

1st round of combat on what was supposed to be a five hour gaming session.

EndlessWrath
2008-09-13, 06:48 PM
So... my first adventure... My buddy made us random preset level 1 characters for his dungeon. I got the halfling rogue (Damien). My buddy the gnome bard( Phineus). and my other buddy the Dwarven Cleric (Rom). (these characters are the only important ones to the story.)

So anyways... We did about 2 hours of just fighting and going through the dungeon. We had a minesweeper esque game... which we cheated at since my bro had to go to bed...we just used his character (ranger) to set off all the mines :smallbiggrin: .

We got to camp...everyone was low hp. So we ask the cleric to use the rest of his spells to heal us. Our gnome bard decided to play a song during all of this with his fife. His perform check was 6... DC 10. .. The Cleric failed EVERY concentration check...and blew away all his spells in which he only healed one of us... out of 6 players... all cause our bard continued the joke for 20 minutes. He blew 7 spells...

Needless to say..we almost killed the bard, Good thing our half-paralyzed ranger could still use his heal skill to sustain him till the next day :smallwink:

Greatest game ever.

cn69
2008-09-15, 08:36 PM
This was ages ago, but here it goes...
I was at a party, and we decided to play. The classes (and players) were as follows.
Zach (brother)-DM
Corey- Sorcerer, half-elf
Me- Cleric, elf (the only elf I have ever played)
Joe- Monk, human

and Cody. Cody, the eldest of all of us, decided to play a half-orc barbarian, the source of many a funny D&D story. But Bludgeon, the character, was more than a little....bizarre. Well, not bizarre, HILARIOUS. Examples? I have several.

The adventure began on a dock. Things didn't get interesting until we were on the boat, though. The boat was attacked by two giant sharks, which were attacking in tandem. As the only character with a ranged attack was the sorcerer, we were pretty hooped. However, Bludgeon thought differently. He figured that if one shark could be hit only once, both would be vulnerable.

He was right. He climbed a mast and readied to punch a shark. In the face.
And guess what he rolled. Go on. Right, 20. He clobbered the shark with a strength 20 hit, and managed, by a fluke of the d%, got the shark to land on the deck of the ship. As we beat its bruised body further, Bludgeon preempted
a grapple on the second shark, and rolled an 18 as it leapt out for a bite.
It rolled a 2. It was killed by five adventurers, level 1, in two rounds.
Needlessly to say, we ate a LOT of shark that night. Bludgeon ate most of it, though. But that's not all.

Later on, back inland, we were wandering into a huge (read:captial) city, which had heard about our earlier adventures (killing a band of pirates and two infamous sharks). Bludgeon, of course, was very popular. So popular, in fact, that an assassin was hired by a gang of bandits to take him down. Bludgeon heard him coming (something like a 17 listen check) and readied himself. The shark itself was gurgling within his gut, and the fire wine he drank didn't help matters. He bent over.
Before the halfling assailant could even grunt, a gaseous blast was let loose.
In case you misread, BLUDGEON KNOCKED OUT A GUY WITH A FART.
My brother, the DM, allowed it, as Bludgeon was a BIG half-orc with shark and dwarven wine in its gut, and the killer WAS only a halfling. Bludgeon got away without injury. The halfling was never seen again.

Shortly afterward, Bludgeon was bitten by the bug to go get a mount. But the only place nearby was a ranch full of cows. He took one.
However, the town's main export was cattle, and the ranch was closely guarded. Bludgeon snuck in unseen, but got spotted on the way out. After failing a bluff, he negotiates a hide check with my brother. Yes, a hide check to hide the cow. AND GUESS WHAT HE FREAKING ROLLED. TWENTY.
Since it meant instant success, the biggest cow on the ranch was taken and hidden by a lone half-orc. Cody, bludgeon's player, even switched dice to roll that twenty. It didn't matter which die it was, becaue he continued to land a critical hit for almost every attack throughtout the whole 6-hour campaign.

As for something NOT involving him, here's something with me and my brother (same game). I am a big fan of loot, equipment in particular. My brother is the antitheseis of this, avoiding as much stuff as possible. The final reward for the whole 6 hour campaign?

A suit of elven chain. There were five of us.

I may post again later regarding my AD&D campaign (which is stll ongoing).

Wolfpacker
2008-09-15, 08:53 PM
Ahh, I was the DM of the game with Bludgeon. Good times...

A story I have to share is a more recent one. I'll share the team with you first.

'The Goblin'- Former slave, has no name, and has a tendency to use 'strategy', which equates to using lightning bolts at every opportunity.

'The Minotaur'- Had a name, I just forgot it. :P Black Minotaur, huge ego, and has a sense of honour, as black Minotaurs are supposed to be brave and noble.

'The Wolfen'- Forgot his name too. :P Had an unusual tendency to get us in trouble, and ALWAYS by his howling.

'Adion'- My human fighter. Think 'Berserker' from Soul Calibur II, if he was disguising himself as 'Assassin'.


The story begins in a Minotaur town. The Goblin and the Wolfen and I were going to a secret little brotherhood, to hire our services for gold. However, the fun begins when I notice that the black Minotaur has sent one of his cronies to follow us through the alleys. I stop to...negotiate. He walks past me, and as he does, I whisper, "Stop following us." This naturally pisses him off, and a brawl breaks out. He tries using his sword, but I simply used my fists, and he was down, surprising everyone, in three consecutive punches. His black Minotaur boss and another henchman are walking down the alley after the meeting (I heard them coming, anyway), so I have a bit of fun. I walk past them before they find his body, and I tell them, "Take good care of him.". They find his body, and take me to the stockade.

Later on, the black Minotaur comes into my cell, alone. As he begins to interrogate me (with several harsh blows to the face), I take note of my shackles: they only held my wrists. So, as he leaned into my face to ask me what I was up to, I offered my answer: I headbutted him, and a sissy melee commenced. I was outmatched, as he had HUGE armour on, and an even bigger axe. But luck was with me, as his honour kept it as a physical brawl. An eternity of missed punches later, and by now, the Minotaur was MAD. He was going to draw his axe next turn, and I was probably going to find myself lacking an arm or two. The dice gods gave me a shrug as I rolled for my brawl.

The dice stopped quickly on SALVATION! I rolled a natural 20, meaning that a HUMAN FIGHTER layed a MINOTAUR KNIGHT on his ass. On a glory streak, I called in the guards from outside. They rushed in and beat me to a pulp, and I found myself in a MUCH deeper cell, late at night.

I was not amused. :smallbiggrin:

Natania
2008-09-16, 01:22 PM
there's this one time that sticks out in my mind.
I had to start a new char because my last one had died within a grand total of 2 minutes :smalleek:
anyway I was playing a beguiler and decided to test my abilities on one of my fellow adventurers so when he wanted to use the bathroom he could choose between two doors one that actually led to the bathroom or the other which led to the dump I kept my orc servants in which also had a toilet but it was disgusting. Anyway I talked him into using the orc one by telling him that a huge golden dragon lived in the other.
That was pretty cool untill he got so mad he chopped my magical table in two. For the rest of that story he had to pay me 20.000 gp which he never did because I died the next session.

Beholder1995
2008-09-16, 01:31 PM
In my very first campaign with my group, I started them out in a tavern. No surprise there. But I went as far as to make a battle grid for the tavern, just for fun. The first thing our Orc Barbarian does is start chugging as much beer as he can, egged on by our Ranger. Finally, the Orc lunges across the bar, in a rage now, and begins smashing in the heads of every NPC he can find. After all the NPCs, short of the barkeep, are dead, he and the ranger start singing a drinking song. The orc calls over the terrified barkeep, and as the police close in on the tavern, the orc pukes all over the guy and passes out.

It was a LONG session after that. :smalltongue:

black dragoon
2008-09-16, 02:59 PM
...O.o

Anyway here's my contribution.

It was a D20 modern campaign well really a one-shot I was DMing at my party. I am no stranger to inter-party conflict and was in truth expecting a little. The 'party' consisted of three people. Two players who have a good habit of roleplaying partners in some crime or another and a rather beaten down and down trodden cop....If you can't see what's going to happen next leave now.
As it was I tend to mix a little fantasy into my modern and involved a thing where One party member our normally silent pickpocket could see the dead. They had broken into a mall and were trying to 'more evenly distribute the wealth' As it was I had mentioned that a man had recently committed suicide here. Player B our pickpockety fellow sees the ghost of this poor fellow and is utterly perplexed as he watches him leap from the balcony of second story of the mall multiple times. Nothing he seems to do stops this guy and as such chalks it up to a hallucination. They are almost out when B hears screams and watches as an armored figure chases down our poor ghost and runs him through. Player A has no idea this has happened. B tries to warn A and ends up drawing our rather fearsome ghost. He proceeds to attempt to fight it.
A watches in perplexed horror as a shadowy thing repeatedly causes his brother to bleed from the various slashes of a BFS.
They manage to escape and proceed to torment player C our down trodden cop. The supernatural is quickly brushed out of the players minds till they unintentionally kill C. Now normally I would call him dead but since this poor beat up and repeatedly mugged fellow had just been hit by a car...again. I decided to let him have some fun. I let him be a poltergeist for around fifteen minutes pushing B the poor fellow already shaken up after being attacked by ghost into insanity as C threw things around the room caused it to shake and create other unpleasant phenomenon. Then via Dues Ex Machina return to his body after A called the ambulance and returned to find his terrified brother. They did not mess C after that.

one who teases
2008-09-17, 10:49 AM
...O.o

Anyway here's my contribution.

It was a D20 modern campaign well really a one-shot I was DMing at my party. I am no stranger to inter-party conflict and was in truth expecting a little. The 'party' consisted of three people. Two players who have a good habit of roleplaying partners in some crime or another and a rather beaten down and down trodden cop....If you can't see what's going to happen next leave now.
As it was I tend to mix a little fantasy into my modern and involved a thing where One party member our normally silent pickpocket could see the dead. They had broken into a mall and were trying to 'more evenly distribute the wealth' As it was I had mentioned that a man had recently committed suicide here. Player B our pickpockety fellow sees the ghost of this poor fellow and is utterly perplexed as he watches him leap from the balcony of second story of the mall multiple times. Nothing he seems to do stops this guy and as such chalks it up to a hallucination. They are almost out when B hears screams and watches as an armored figure chases down our poor ghost and runs him through. Player A has no idea this has happened. B tries to warn A and ends up drawing our rather fearsome ghost. He proceeds to attempt to fight it.
A watches in perplexed horror as a shadowy thing repeatedly causes his brother to bleed from the various slashes of a BFS.
They manage to escape and proceed to torment player C our down trodden cop. The supernatural is quickly brushed out of the players minds till they unintentionally kill C. Now normally I would call him dead but since this poor beat up and repeatedly mugged fellow had just been hit by a car...again. I decided to let him have some fun. I let him be a poltergeist for around fifteen minutes pushing B the poor fellow already shaken up after being attacked by ghost into insanity as C threw things around the room caused it to shake and create other unpleasant phenomenon. Then via Dues Ex Machina return to his body after A called the ambulance and returned to find his terrified brother. They did not mess C after that.

Hey u forgot when i almost shoot my foot with a composite longbow in the other time we played

i am character c btw

black dragoon
2008-09-17, 11:57 AM
That was just D20 modern I need to remember some other odd ones. Like the time I was lizardman and staked a place out while surviving off a thug I had recently killed. It's an ongoing joke that this character eats people and in truth he's killed a good many with a simple bite and then hunkered down and had 'lunch' after the battle.:smalleek:

The lizard man is me by the way.:smallbiggrin:

Calinero
2008-09-18, 07:20 PM
Heh....I've got a good one.

Me and four friends of mine began a relatively basic campaign (my first, actually) in a tavern. Original, I know...anyways, I forget the specifics, but all you need to know is that one of the characters was a rogue. While we were in the bar, the DM began describing who he saw to us.

DM: You see a few people drinking, nothing special...but at the bar, you see a man with green skin, and a tattoo on his shoulder....

About three people: TURGON!!!!

Allow me to tell the Saga of Turgon:

Turgon is a character a friend of mine has played in several campaigns, and is essentially epic. Due to a series of adventures, he is made of metal. He was a bard, I believe....and unless I recall incorrectly, he ate metal. Had many awesome adventures. Anyways:

We get into a drinking contest with Turgon, and lose quite badly. The rogue character decides to be sneaky.

Rogue: I want to pick Turgon's pocket.
DM: Um, he's wearing a loincloth.
Rogue: He has to have somewhere to keep stuff! I'll pick it.
DM: Fine, there's a flap...or something....make your roll.
*gets a decent roll*
DM: You reach into his loincloth.
Me: I ask him why he's making sexual advances on the inebriated Turgon.
DM: Shut up. ANYWAYS: you reach in, and feel something. It's kind of hard. When you pull it out, it looks like an oddly shaped green stick.
Rogue: I put it in my pack.
Party dwarf: Wait, let's see what it is!
*we take it to the table and begin investigating it*
*we use things like geology, appraise, ect.*
DM: All right....it is extremely hard, and smells very bad.
*guessing continues until....*
DM: Fine. You know what it is? It's his crap. You reached into his loincloth, and pulled out his crap. He eats metal, so the crap is made of metal.
*shocked silence*
Thief: .....what kind of metal?
DM: ...what?
Thief: What kind of metal is it?
DM: You don't know what kind of metal it is.
Dwarf: Let's take it to a blacksmith!
*we do. we pay the blacksmith to smelt the metal, remove the...erm...impurities*
Blacksmith: *is totally stunned* I have never seen /anything/ like this in my life.
Me: What is it?
Blacksmith: This is more starmetal than I have ever seen in one place before.
Party:......starmetal?
Blacksmith: Yeah, starmetal. There's trace amounts of starmetal in that sample you gave me. Should be worth a fair price.
Me: That's....um....awesome.
Blacksmith: One thing, though. When I smelted the sample, the most gods-awful smell filled the room. What was it?
Party: Um....a rock. From a volcano.
*successful bluff roll*

The DM later tried to justify this to us. Apparently, Turgon has eaten starmetal before...we ended up selling it for....I don't even remember how much. 200s? Dunno. It was the most profitable crap I have ever seen.

loves_to_laugh
2008-09-19, 12:23 PM
This was one of the few times my party made a plan. And was executed perfectly.

We climbed a set of stairs to see a door. One of us peeks into the room and finds about 15 goblins and then closes the door. Our plan goes as followed, I (the druid) cast ice storm into the room and then close the door. We all go down the stairs quickly to set the trap. 2 people are holding a spike chain across the steps to trip them, then 2 others are standing at the bottom ready to shoot them with bows, and if somehow they managed to get past that, our fighter was waiting to chop up the remainders.

The few who actually survived the ice storm never made it to the bottom. It is still the best executed plan EVER.

Wolfpacker
2008-09-20, 12:38 AM
My most recent campaign has me DM'ing again (A rare sight, believe me), and we have two party members. Here's the team:

Curtis plays K'Thunk, the stereotypical half-orc barbarian...however, K'Thunk is actually surprisingly bright (for a half-orc), and is prone to quite insightful moments. Needless to say, a lot of shopkeeps and bartenders are a bit surprised by his comments.

Conor plays Cecilia Stonewrought, a female dwarf fighter. Our little group gets much enjoyment out of double entendres involving the character's endowment. She can be a bit incomprehensible due to a thick irish accent. She also owns K'Thunk's old pet pony, Ponypony. Yeah, K'Thunk is none too original with names.

Early on in the campaign, the two were met with a gigantic chasm. Now, this was before the two had set up their 'climbing system' (read: K'Thunk climbs down, Cecilia jumps for the nearest ledge because she can't climb OR jump for crap), and so Cecilia did the first thing that came to her: Climb to a small ledge about ten feet down. However, her heavy scale mail lead to her simply slipping and falling. I decided, since the campaign had barely started, to be reasonable, and she crash-landed on a ledge about twenty feet down. She crashed and burned, and was swearing like a sailor until K'Thunk managed to climb down. Then she swore a bit more, and they continued down.

Later, Cecilia remembered she had a bag of holding. You can occupy a bag of holding for two minutes, and any falling damage it might take doesn't affect the 'passenger'.

And that, my friends, is how the climbing system was invented. :)

cn69
2008-09-20, 01:19 AM
In the same AD&D campaign mentioned above (the Minotaur's name was Jordanus, by the way), the wolfen was mentioned to have horrible luck with his howling. By this, we mean that whenever he attempted to accomplish something by howling, something very bad would happen. Several examples exist, most notably:

the first 'successful' howl was executed at a goblin outpost in the middle of nowhere, on the way to the goblin capital of splinteredhead. The howl was returned by a much more sinister one, and hours later, in the chill of the night.... ghost wolves appeared. Well, more like spectres, but either way they hungered for living flesh. The clincher?
They thought the wolfen was leading them to the food. The wolfen was forced to stall for time (as everyone inside was unaware of what was transpiring). Of course, it eventually came to blows, and the wolves were way too tough for a single wolfen (BARD, I might add) to take on.
We were holed up inside well into the wee hours of the morning. Needless to say, we were all very cranky.

The second incident occured on the road, and our caravan was accosted by a tribe of wolfen, which coincidentally (and very luckily) happened to be the same tribe as our wolfen. However, OUR wolfen acted rudely (in wolfen terms) and we were challenged in typical wolfen fashion: to he death.
We hid in trees and threw rocks, arrows and lightning bolts (my goblin). From about midday to early morning. This wolfen bard lost us a lot of sleep.

As a side note, the bard never ever sang well at all. The human merc, on the other hand, almost always 'critted' his singing rolls on the fly, leading to a lot of humiliation for the near-useless bard.

Wolfpacker
2008-09-20, 01:48 AM
Alright, here's another from the AD&D campaign. My first character, Adion, died, so he was replaced with my half-orc pirate, 'Uffk'. He struck up a quick friendship with the characters when a riot began (goblin riot in splinteredhead= goblins running around asking for money), because wolfen took the city under siege. A pair of saboteurs came in, and turned invisible, causing a serious cafuffle. Uffk had to save his friends, and so did this: Ran into town square (He saw a bit of dust kick up there), and SPIN IN CIRCLES WITH HIS FISTS EXTENDED. Now, this strategy didn't seem to work, until, he rolled a 20 at one point. BLAM. One wolfen out for the count.

The second wolfen somehow got a giant cloud of dust up, so Uffk ran over, and repeated the process. two 20's BLAM BLAM. The other wolfen went down.

However, it had been several rounds after the first one went down, and we had no idea where they were now, since they din't reappear. So, we had to let them go.


Another story once again involves Adion. Above, I mentioned how I was placed in a jail cell. Well, he was a very strong fellow, and so he beagn to pull himself up to rip himself free from the metal shackles (the minotaurs hung him upside down). Here is a fairly accurate transcript of the events.

Me: Okay, I'm gonna pull myself up to rip myself free.

Mr.X (DM): Alright, go for it.

Me: One...(I actually move my body back and forth in my chair to represent his actions)

Me: TWO--
*BANG HEAD AGAINST A DESK BEHIND ME*

Everyone: HAHAHAHA!!

Mr.X: *sorely tempted to roll to check if Adion hit his head :smalltongue:*


Well, he rips himself free, and sneaks to the corner of the room, and waits for Jordanus (the black minotaur who got his butt handed to him by Adion). When he eventually shows up and pokes his head into the cell, Adion grabs him and tries to threaten him into releasing him. One whistle later, Adion finds himself subject to another ass whuppin' by the guards, and is strapped back in place, with more sturdy shackles.

I was not amused. :smallbiggrin:

Vizen
2008-09-20, 02:17 AM
Hokay, lets see how much of this I can remember..It was from ages ago..

I was DMing a game once and my PC's were on this quest to stop a bunch of Kobolds from raiding the nearby town, they found the lair, and were fighting their way down when they encountered a room with just a bit TOO much Kobolds for them to handle (they were only level 1, okay? >.>), but one of my PC's had this smart idea to cast an illusion of a sexy, sexy, female kobold. It worked on about 3/4ths of the room, and they dispatched the ones that weren't distracted easily enough, and continued on down.

They found the leader of these kobolds in the last room, yelling out about some stuff, and wielding whatever his weapon was in one hand, and some odd jar in the other hand. Eventually my PC's got to, and killed, the leader and examined this jar, expecting to find something really valuable, or just plain useful, it turned out to be a jar of hemorrhoid cream, much to the PC who picked it up's disgust.

killmaster666
2009-01-14, 05:35 AM
In a campaign we just started and due to a storm had to end fairly quickly so the whole session consisted of us finding a way into the ruined keep and fighting 8 4hp goblins (not hard for 4 lvl 6's).

im a human bard we have a human female fighter a halfling rogue and a human druid now we have snuck past about 100 goblins at this point when the rogue says screw it and walks directly beside a small group of them looks over and say sup?

only the one he was directly beside heard or saw him and the way the dm

described his reaction was absolutly priceless.
this poor goblin had no idea how someone could have gotten this far into there camp and had no idea what to do.

it's shock was sent even further when the druids wolf walked up behind it and nudged it in the back.

the best way we could describe it was the goblin turned around its eyes bulged out it's mouth fell open and it's open mouth provided a excelent exit wound for the rogues dagger.

as the goblin crumpled very very dead to the ground one of the other goblins spotted us.

i should state me and the fighter were trying not to laugh leaning back against a wall in obvious torchlight watching all this play out and untill the wolf fumbled an attack and all the others spotted us.

then the fighter rushed in and hit one for about 68 damage when everything was said and done as i said earlier they had 4 hp each, the thing exploded covering them in goblin guts.

I spotted one last goblin gaurding a cage of humans that hadn't noticed us yet so i picked him off with a cross bow.

we picked the corpses clean except the one who has exploded then we had to call it quits for the night because it was storming out and they had to leave or else get stuck at my house until the snow let up.

killmaster666
2009-01-14, 06:03 AM
another thing i like is to make characters that don't really work with the class race combo.

my personal favourite is the gnome barbarian, one campaign we did where i was my character mentioned above we found a strange box about 1.5 feet long and a foot wide and we couldnt open it.

the only cluses we had was a small hole in the front kinda like a keyhole and the riddle that which brings life will give death, now my genious friends figured this meant the box had some powerful magic item in it {Scrubbed}

so we found some passed out drunk guy and figured screw it lets try one of his fingers in the hole so they put it in the hole and when they pulled it out the finger wasnt there but there was no wound.

now i think we were all chaotic neutral so we didn't really care and stuck the rest of his hand in somhow the hole seemed to allow things much larger through and eventually we had stuffed 8 whole bodies in.

thats when the box poped open our fighter immidietly poped the top off and stuck his hand right in(the idiot) well he pulled back a stump my other friend and his brother were playing brother characters one of them walked forward and said screw it im looking inside he stuffed his head in the box as his headless corpse immidietly fell to the ground so the guy with one hand stuffed the rest of the body in screaming you have no brother to the other guy.

he immidetly jumped in after him then it was only my gnome and the one handed fighter staring at each other when i looked up and said were going in the box aint we? he said yes and then we climbed in. it was fairly dark but we found our friends body walking around with his head yelling at it to go to the left the fighters hand regrew and we say the hand that had fell off lying to the side and it was a skelal but it was still crawling around (he had that damn thing for a long time afterwards he threw it at people and it would claw there eyes well he cut them in half with his greatsword) which he immidietly pocketed.

anyway after everyone was reassembled(excluding all the people we stuffed in in the first place who were lying around missing various body parts screaming vengence at us) we looked around for a way out we found a wall with much the same riddle as was on the box. we had figured out at this point it was refering to blood so we each gave a small bit of blood and the wall parted.....revealing about a million skelitons all of whom immideitly turned and looked at us.

we figured we were screwed but any damage done to anyone in this weird box thing was instantly healed so we just ran our ass off for this big white light at the end of the room.

once we ran into it we were spit out of the box we all looked at each other and said what the hell just happened we looked back at the box and saw the skelitons starting to come out after us so we slammed the lid shut but they just opened it and kept comeing so we just booked it.

we found a wizard and bought a very quick teleport spell to some other random town about an hour later we were finishing our resupplying and bar hopping when we heard a rumour that the town we had left no longer existed and was now just a pile off ash.

all of a sudden there is this huge commotion off to the side we all look and see the army of the undead coming at the town we were now in long story short ther very thougholy overran the town and we were trapped into some underground tunnels with about 300 npc's forming a resistance.

for some reaosn our campaign just died there and we never got to finish but another campaign we did about a year latter started us as 4 of the npc's in the tunnel resistance with out old characters the dm had kept leading us into battle.

we took the first off turn we could find and got the hell out of there before the fighting started we heard a bar rumour later in the campaign about the village being owned by the undead who prominitly desplayed the corpses of 4 dead adventureers (the dm latter explained that since we released them they were magneticly attracted to us and once we were dead they had no further commands so they just stayed put)

Grail
2009-01-14, 06:30 AM
Running RHoD the other week the group were in the sunken city of Rhest fighting some Hobgoblins and a couple lizardmen on a tower. The Sorcerer/Favoured Soul starts to climb up to the top of the tower, but falls hits the platform below and then falls into the water. What happened next was astonishing.

A Lizardman that the Gnome had thrown into the water grapples the drowning character and starts to drag her under. The only character still down on the lower platform is the Shadowbane Stalker (who uses a Rapier and a Musket). He watches the Sorcerer struggle for a couple rounds, waiting patiently and readying an action to shoot the Lizarman if he surfaces. Problem is, he doesn't. He is still grappling the Sorcerer who by now is starting to get close to drowning.

The rest of the group are on top of the tower fighting valiantly (if not poorly).

Then the Stalker has a great idea. He puts down his musket and draws some rope and throws it into the water. The Sorcerer has now thrown off her assailant, sees the rope and tries to drag herself up, but the Lizarman lurches above the water, grabs her and drags her back under. She lets go of the rope again.

The Stalker curses that he put down the gun, so he now drops the rope and picks up the gun with readied action again.

Meanwhile, the characters ontop of the tower have won the fight. They all look down and decide that 5-10' under water isn't a good place for them, so they all stand around watching the Sorceress drown.

The Druid, wildshaped into a Bear, says stuff this, and jumps from the top of the tower into the water to try and save her, but with abysmal rolling he starts to drown himself.

Meanwhile the rest of the group have gathered on the bottom platform and are watching mere feet away from the Sorceress drown, and being slowly clawed and bitten by the Lizardman.

The Bear/Druid makes a swim check, heads back to the platform and is hauled to safety by the rest of the group.

The Sorceress meanwhile succumbs to her wounds and the Lizardman swims off with his catch.

dralasite
2009-01-14, 06:32 AM
One of my friend (while alone IC) found a magic cristal in a secluded cave (This cristal was known to predict the future). He looked into the cristal, saw himself grabbing the cristal and then immediately crushed to death by a cave-in.

What did he do?

He grabbed the cristal and tried to run out of the cave...

He got crushed to death by the cave-in.

We all stared at him, totally mute with incredulity: he told us "but I wanted to outrun the cave-in!".

At least that cristal divined the future reliably! :smallbiggrin:

Grail
2009-01-14, 06:34 AM
And I thought that I'd post this one as well, even though it is SLA Industries and not D&D, because it's so funny.

In SLA Industries, there is a skill called "Flexible Weapon" for chain styled weapons, but in the 1e printing of the rules, there were no actual weapons in the equipment list that could be used with it.

Anyway, the characters are tracking down a Serial Killer who has fled into a Red-Light district of Lower Downtown. The characters begin to investigate, splittng up. Dice Crimson (Human Kick Murder, like an Assassin), enters a sex shop. He starts asking the people in there if they've seen the killer.

Then he just stops, and the player (Owen, one of the writers of Dark Heresy actually), and quite funnily pretends to pick something up... "Does this count as a flexible weapon?" he asks deadpan serious.

The game is called to a halt for a couple minutes whilst people get their faculties back together.

mathemagician
2009-01-14, 07:58 AM
We were crawling about a dungeon, minding our own business, when this beautiful girl shows up. One of our party members decides to follow her down some dark corridor. We never saw him again. What we did see, after the session was over, was the notes passed between that player and the GM:

Player: "I continue to follow her."
DM: "She turns around and removes her hood, she has snakes for hair! She has turned you to stone." (we assume there was some dice rolling in there)
Player: "What!?"
DM: "You are a rock."
Player: "What can I do?"
DM: "Rocks can only wait."

three08
2009-01-14, 01:38 PM
the following takes place in the pathfinder rpg rise of the runelords campaign. spoilered for - well, for spoilers:
We're a level 2 party of 5 - a rogue, a ranger/fighter, an wizard, a bard and a cleric. the rogue and bard are humans, the ranger/fighter is a half-elf, the wizard is a full elf, and i'm a half-orc cleric. (in pathfinder half-orcs get +2 str +2 wis -2 int.) our objective is to attack this goblin fort that's on a small island which can't be approached from the shore - the only entrance is a rope bridge that goes straight to the top of the island. the cliffs around it are unclimbable, for reasons which are immaterial to the story at hand.

course the mainland side of this rope bridge is inside a briar fort sized for small creatures, so in lieu of a druid, we have to fight our way through that. we have no rogue either, because the player couldn't come and forgot to leave us his character sheet. so, a bunch of sucky dead goblins later we come to the leader of the briar fort, a goblin druid. (shocking, eh?) it's a tough fight, because his class features let him walk through the walls, but eventually he goes down. there's a bunch of sell loot on him, including some sort of wand which our wizard is unable to identify and two potions of tree shape.

i snickered at that. what a useful spell, i thought to myself sarcastically.

so, we go to the rope bridge. it's 60' across over an 80' drop into the sea. i wonder if it's booby-trapped or something maybe? so i grab ahold of one end of my 100' of silk rope, the half-elf takes the other end and crosses. he makes it across and searches around for the trap mechanism. he finds a lever, so we figure, well it's probably okay as long as he can stop people getting to the lever. he stands on his end to hold the rope while the rest of us cross. the wizard starts across, and is halfway over when four goblins on riding dogs emerge from the brush on the side where the ranger is isolated.

the ranger goes first and drops his end of the rope, since apparently we made it across unharmed, so he can draw his blade. the bard goes next and casts sleep, which disables all four goblins and one dog. i, the cleric, go next, so i tie my rope off on my end and move across the bridge. i am on the last 5' of the bridge. the wizard goes last, and uses a pathfinder-specific infinitely usable cantrip that's basically a 1d6 acid damage ranged touch attack.

next round begins with the dogs surrounding our valiant ranger, who engages them. then i move up to the last 5' of the bridge, because there's a dog stopping me getting on land, and take a swing with my scimitar. the bard's turn starts and she attempts to fire her crossbow. she fumbles it, but the only result is that she can't use her attack, so we're like, well whatever you still have a move action. come over here and help.

we-ell, it turns out that the bridge trap can be activated not only by a lever, but by sufficient weight. it further develops that the weight of two humans plus a half-orc in medium armor qualifies as sufficient weight. the trap is tripped. one side of the bridge falls slack. the three of us have to make a reflex save to grab onto the rope. the wizard makes it, but the bard and i fail.

i don't know who designed this part of the campaign, but i swiftly had cause to wonder if they had even considered how falling damage from an 80' fall would compare to a level 2 character's hit dice. suffice it to say that i am at exactly 0 and the bard is at, what, -2 and dying.

so our ranger is trying to fight off 3 goblin dogs by himself, our wizard is left hanging from the rope and unable to cast spells with somatic components, and the other two of us are in the water drowning. (i'm sinking - hooray for medium armor!) well, the bard just went, so it's the wizard's turn. how will he turn this around?

he reaches into his backpack, then withdraws and drinks a potion of tree shape.

the ranger watches in dismay as his remaining ally transforms into a tree and falls the 80' to the sea below, where he lands cushioned by the hardness of wood, dismisses the spell, and swims toward the closest person, which happens to be the bard.

while unconscious or out of breath underwater, the following happens:

if you are at zero or more hp and/or conscious, you have to make a con check or else drop to -1 and dying. if you are at -1 or lower and dying, you have to make a con check or else die outright.

we both make our con checks the round the wizard goes tree, but the round after that the bard makes hers and i do not, which drops me to -1. however, this round, the wizard manages to swim over to the bard (who was floating).

remember that potion of tree shape? remember how there were two?

so, clinging to our bard/useless wet log, the wizard then casts enlarge person on himself, in order to be able to reach my sinking body. with a str of 8, his swimming abilities are suspect. the round in which he casts enlarge person, i make my con check. the next round? fail it. bam. dead. end of story.

at least, it is for me. now we have our large-size wizard in the water with the bard, who is a useless wet log, and my corpse, while the ranger up top continues his desperate struggle against the goblin dogs. it's at right about this round that the last dog standing hits him, dropping him to 0. on his turn, he makes a last desperate attack, then falls unconscious, but not before killing the remaining dog.

unfortunately for him, it ain't over yet - those 4 goblins and that 1 dog that were put to sleep will be waking up eventually, and the only conscious party member has no way of getting up to him. fortunately, the wizard has some rope on his person, as well as a longbow. so he ties the rope to the end of one of his large arrows, fires it into the wall of the fort on the hill above him, wedges our bard into a crack in the cliff wall, drapes my mangled remains over the bard log, dispels his enlarge spell, and begins to climb.

except remember that strength of 8?

so here we are, holding our breath and counting his rolls off against the number of rounds left until the sleeping goblins wake up, as he struggles frantically upward. he makes it with just barely enough time to coup all the sleepers.

the ranger had one potion of cure light on him, so the wizard feeds it to him and gets him back up. now the only problem is how to retrieve the bard.

the bard is still a tree.

turns out that the caster can dispel tree shape at will, but since the caster of a potion is considered to be the person who drank it, that would be the bard, who is unconscious. there are two scrolls of cure light in the party, which the ranger can cast. the bard has them. the bard is now a tree. no knotholes are visible in which the scrolls might be concealed.

so they had to climb down, tie a rope around the bard log, climb back up, cross the bridge again, dragging the bard log along in the water below, and then construct a crude winch in order to haul the bard log up the 80' cliff, for the privilege of guarding her inert, woody remains for the 4 hours it took for the spell to wear off.
so i died, but somehow, i can't manage to be too pissed about it. hilarious.

CreganTur
2009-01-14, 04:32 PM
In a game I was DMing the players had to travel through untamed forest to reach another city. Only two of the players could be there that night, but I'm a pretty lenient DM when it comes to attendance, we we played anyway... but I didn't change any of the planned encounters:smallwink:

Kell was a Barbarian/Sorcerer who prestiged into SpellSword. Zach was a Drow ranger(only used his bow- toa void the Driz'it references). They were riding down the road when a Green dragon ambushed them. They failed their ride checks and got thrown from their horses, who ran away.

They held their own against the dragon for a short time, when the guy playing Kell suddenly gets a gleam in his eyes. A couple of sessions ago they had used some dust of drying to dry up a large body of water. Kell had collected the stones that were left. 3.5 rules state that if the stone is broken, all of the water that was absorbed is released in a sudden torrent of water.

Kell turns to Zack and tell him to "shoot him somewhere really sensitive!"

Zack successfully hits with a called shot to the groin, which causes the dragon to roar in pain. As soon as it roars, Kell tosses the stone down the dragon's throat.

After a couple of rounds the dragon's stomach acid has damaged the stone enough that it ruptures. Water gushed from the dragon's every orifice for a couple of rounds (dust of drying soaks up a lot of water!) causing massive internal damage, and leaving him open to a "cu de grace" from Kell's greatsword.

The guys named this manuver the "Dragon Enema."

--------------------

In an earlier session of this same campaign the party ended up at the town of Kingsport (it's a homebrew setting), the largest port town of that particular kingdom. Kell and Zack were there, as well as the party's cleric named Rochesta de'Chesta. Rochesta had claimed a bag of tricks from an earlier adventure (I don't remember which strength it was).

They found a contact who lead them to a warehouse where the bandit organization they were tracking sold illegal magic items, along with other items. They were RPing really well, bluffing for information, when an NPC they failed to kill earlier in the game walks into the room. Instead of hiding, the party immediatly drops their ruse and attacks.

Rochesta got separated from the group and was trying to fight off a barbarian and a rogue. Reaching into his bag of tricks, he produces a badger! The barbarian rolled like crap and smacked the badger for a single point of damage, which kicked off the badger's rage ability. This is where the battle turned.

Rochesta turned his back on the barbarian, who hadn't landed a single hit against him, and could do nothing more than stand in a defensive postion and occasionally heal himself just to keep from being killed by the rogue, who he couldn't hit (bad rolls). The badger single handedly killed the barbarian, who had been at full HP a couple of rounds before (~70 hp).

Rochesta managed to land a lucky blow with his hammer, which knocked the rogue prone. He rolled an intimidate check and yelled "Surrender, or I'll feed you to the badger!"

She surrendered:smallbiggrin:

MeatShield#236
2009-01-14, 04:38 PM
This is a story from my early days of playing DnD

Our party had decided to split up (not a good idea) and search the criminal hideout we were in. One group got attacked by a wizard who cast Glitterdust, somehow knocked down our wizard, and ran off.

Our rather excitable cleric, hearing the commotion ran over to investigate.

DM: You see a form covered in glittering stuff rise from the ground
Cleric: I hit it!
DM: Alright! You have just hit the wizard!

Hadrian_Emrys
2009-01-14, 05:31 PM
The first game I ever ran was full of fun scenes. I'm so glad my old group was full of great role players. The setup:

The party is camping out for the night when zombie elephants come tromping through. Upon their defeat :elan:, the altruistic idealist that he is, hastily decides to set them ablaze out of respect for the innocent animals they once were.

:mitd: The putrid liquids oozing from the decaying carcasses take to the flame like crude oil, lighting up the clearing and filling the air with the stench of burning rot.
:vaarsuvius: (Shouldn't we roll a fort save or something because of the stink?)
:mitd: (If you want.)
:elan: (fail) *hork*
:nale: (fail) Oh gods, the smell! *hork*
:vaarsuvius: (success) It's not THAT bad, lightweights.
:thog: (nat 20) me hungy *tears and consumes* (nat 20) yummy like mum's
:elan: / :nale: Oh gross!
:vaarsuvius: *violently purges*

Berserk Monk
2009-01-14, 06:07 PM
So me and my party are doing a quest for a king so he invites us to stay the night at his castle. Good deal: free room in a fancy castle. Now, we're a fifth level campaign meaning there are a few players with races that have level adjustments, case and point a centaur. We're about to go to our room we he says "No thanks. I'll sleep in the stables and check out the stallions." This was a MALE centaur, and we decided to let him find how what a stallion was on his own.

Deathslayer7
2009-01-15, 01:58 AM
I think I might have pissed my friend off with this, but we were laughing in the end.

We are in a tournament, 7 rounds. The farther you go on without resting, the more credits you earn. The team (3 man teams) with the most credits wins the tournament. So we go on for three rounds doing fine. The fourth round comes, and the speaker says it is a Kraken that we were about to fight.

I was the party's fighter (still am) and ask if anyone wants freedom of movement cast on them (I got a holy flask from earlier on that let me cast some random spells that discharged charges at a certain amount). They all ignored me, so I cast it on myself. Our party cleric gets grappled and dragged underwater. Luckily, I had cast shield other on him, so I was basically saving him from death. Unfortunately, I had to jump down into the water to fight the Kraken, otherwise I would die fast enough. I fail two swim checks with 1's, and start drowining and sinking. The Kraken makes our cleric go unconscious and comes for me. It couldn't grapple me, so it was kind of useless. I attacked it, and killed it off in one full attack.

LAter on, when I had our cleric healed, he said "You know, that all could have been saved if you would have just cast Freedom of Movement on me."

Me: "Well you obviously didn't think it through when I asked the first time."

He got so mad at me. :smallbiggrin: Started making some fighters are stupid crack jokes to try and get back. :smalltongue:

killmaster666
2009-01-15, 02:41 AM
a friend of ours who moved away recintly, and always seemed to be the center of the funny moments in our campaigns was playing a fighter with 20 somthing strength (which came in really handy in this case).

we were in a huge warehouse that had been abandoned and was begining to rot and become rundown. the dm had decided 2 5 foot squares were so rotten if we stpped on them we would fall through into the tunnels below that were very VERY deep, of course i stepped on one 2 rounds into our search one of the others was nearby, i think it was a rogue, made a diving catch and had my hand and was hanging into the hole keeping me from falling but before he could pull me up he started sliding into the hole.

so the monk ran over and grabbed his hand just as he fell in but now the weight was to much for the monk who immidetly slipped and fell in. with a nat 20 the fighter made a huge jumping catch and was kind of stable holding us there.

thats when the hole crumbled more and due to some lucky rolls he was balenced with basically his toes hooking one end and his fingers grabbed on to the other side with his hand hanging down the hole grabbing the chain of us.

all making lucky ass rolls so we didn't fall to our deaths in the hole that,thanks to the dm telling us we knew had a spike pit at the bottem, when the fighter looked up to see a very dumbfounded goblin with a spear looking at him. well as i said he wasn't in any position to fight it but he figured screw it and rolled an intimidate.

nat 20 he screamed absolout gibberish at the goblin well spitting and foaming at the mouth the thing ran like a bat out of hell and due to some more very lucky rolls we maniged to get back out of the pit 2 turns later

CreganTur
2009-01-15, 08:14 AM
a friend of ours who moved away recintly and always seemed to be the center of the funny moments in our campaigns was playing a fighter with 20 somthing strength (which came in really handy in this case) we were in a huge warehouse that had been abandoned and was begining to rot and become rundown the dm had decided 2 5 foot squares were so rotten if we stpped on them we would fall through into the tunnels below that were very VERY deep of course i stepped on one 2 rounds into our search on of the others was nearby i think it was a rogue made a diving catch and had my hand and was hanging into the hole keeping me from falling but before he could pull me up he started sliding into the hole so the monk ran over and grabbed his hand just as he fell in but now the weight was to much for the monk wwho immidetly slipped and fell in with a nat 20 the fighter made a huge jumping catch and was kind of stable holding us there thats when the hole crumbled more and due to some lucky rolls he was balenced with basically his toes hooking one end and his fingers grabbed on to the other side with his hand hanging down the hole grabbing the chain of us all making lucky ass rolls so we didn't fall to our deaths in the thanks to the dm telling us we knew had a spike pit at the bottem when the fighter looked up to see a very dumbfounded goblin with a spear looking at himwell as i said he wasn't in any position to fight it but he figured screw it and rolled an intimidate nat 20 he screamed absolout gibberish at the goblin well spitting and foaming at the mouth the thing ran like a bat out of hell and due to some more very lucky rolls we maniged to get back out of the pit 2 turns latter

Holy run-on-sentence Batman!:smallyuk:

killmaster666
2009-01-15, 02:48 PM
Holy run-on-sentence Batman!:smallyuk:

me grammer suck leave alone! :smallsmile:

Thanatos 51-50
2009-01-15, 02:56 PM
Okay, killmaster, this is how it works.

Your post isn't exactly long, per se, just, as previously noted, one giant run-on sentance. I'm sure the story is amusing, its just that ya aulde solid block of text discourages people from reading it. Commas, periods, and other basic grammar helps.

Also, for <Insert divinity of choice here>'s sake, use some bloody line breaks!

In an attempt to be on topic:

During a Fourth Edition game of D&D (Which is great, because it gets all that pesky 'combat' out of the way), the party was travelling wth a caravan headed up by an eladrin mage. The majority of the party was under the impression that they were there to protect the thing and travel for a change of scenery.

The actual goal of the trip was to protect the wagon from an expected raid by the theive's guild's rivals. The primary objective was to let a plant from the Guild make off with the loot we were "Guarding", secondary was to repel the rivals and possibly take them in for questioning.

One of the characters involved is a Doppleganger mage with your standard amnesiac backstory and some high-unctioning form of social retardation. (I would like to note to my fellow playgrounders that "Social Retard" is exactly what is written on aforementioned mage's character sheet.)
Player decides that he wishes to acquire some drugs for his mage (Specifically "Sticky Icky") and starts tryying to acquire some from two of the obviously-Rogue NPCs.
One (whom we later find out to be the Thieve's Guild plant) provided some drugs as soon as our mage "left some gold for the faries" and "took a walk" in the woods.

Aforementioned mage's Will defense was abysmall and he ended up fighting a pretty strong addiction for the next few days.
He was also caught by the Party's Rogue (me), and given a stern lecture about watchstanding protocol.

Day three rolls around and the addiction is getting pretty strong. Having his defense repeadtedly beat in, he goes searching for another dose and gets some from the OTHER NPC Rogue (The guy I thought was the Thieve's Guild plant, he turned out to be a plant for the Rival Guild). This all takes place before his watch and before he casts eye of alarm.

Our mage then wanders off behind a rock somewhere, far-flung from the rest of the party, and ends up being "critted" by the drugs, and passes out into a drug-coma.
The party is then promptly attacked as my watch ends and his begins (His watch partner was Rival Rogue, too.)

The only thing that prevented wholesale TPK was the DM deciding to not punish the party for good roleplaying and unlucky dicerolls and having the caravan master get up for a"midnight snack" and yell out that we were being amushed.

OverdrivePrime
2009-01-15, 05:03 PM
Years ago, I was running a long 3.5 campaign for a bunch of friends with your basic "have some adventures so that you can level up and fight the uber-powerful jerk you've sworn vengeance against". They made themselves into a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude (level 11 at this point), righting wrongs and kicking evil in the crotch. And so, of course, there was a sizable bounty out on their heads.

While they were traveling through a thick forest on the way to a city in need of aid the group's point guard (an elven ranger) found herself nailed with three arrows that dropped her to about 25 hit points. She yells an alert and dives into the all-concealing shadows, hoping to find the would-be assassin.

Of course, being heroic idiots, the rest of the party runs up, weapons drawn, and looking for trouble. The mage casts fly on himself and makes himself a beautiful target, flying 30 feet up to get a better vantage point. No, he didn't remember to cast invisiblity first.

While the invisible archer continued to rain down sharp and pointy pain on the party's monk and rogue, the archer's sidekick revealed herself. A kobold sorcerer rose up out of the bushes and nailed the party's wizard with a Baleful Polymorph. One embarrassingly failed save later, the party's most powerful character is a flying trout.

He's still got his normal wits about him, but can't cast any memorized spells in his fishy form. And he's got just a few rounds before he drowns in the cruel, unbreathable air. He flees the scene, flying as fast as he can toward the small stream he remembered passing a few minutes previous. Just as he made his second check to hold his breath, he splashes down into the water.

Meanwhile, the rest of the party is getting the junk kicked out of them by a level 9 hobgoblin ranger an a level 9 kobold sorcerer. It was an embarrassing day for everyone involved. The ranger finally managed to kill the sorcerer and hobgoblin, but getting the Wizard to someone who could un-polymorph him took a most of another adventurer. :smallbiggrin:

killmaster666
2009-01-15, 06:44 PM
better now? it was 3 am and i was just typing it fast my keyboards period key is half broken and you have to hit it a certain way to get it to work half the time i just don't bother.

and lets go for kord for the diety

PegLegMoe452
2009-01-16, 12:58 AM
"Kord Kord, Kord is my lord. Kord Kord, Kord is my lord"

PegLegMoe452
2009-01-16, 01:01 AM
"Kord Kord, Kord is my lord. Kord Kord, Kord is my lord"

Kord is my Lord Forever

Arter03
2009-01-16, 01:45 AM
Alright, so I would be that "Monk" that played with Killmaster there. Don't worry, my punctuation is better than his. -.-

Alright, so the story I'm going to tell you is one of complete non-sense and probably wont make anyone laugh. To be honest, there are two stories. The first one is from a while ago. Second is our current campaign.

1) Alright, so we were adventuring through a town which was under attack by a large number of skeletons, and the only way to survive was to run away, to the boats. Unfortunately, my whole party ended up in prison. Being an idiotic Cleric, I was trying to be nice, and fit in. I saw that everyone in there had a tattoo. I wanted to fit in so I decided to get one myself, and so I did.
After a daring escape through the prison, we made it to a ship, only to have it sink on us, and we were surely going to die at sea, with no water. I tried to use my Create Water spell, from the Elohna (Sorry is spelled wrong) Diety. Nothing happened. Turns out the tattoo was of Kord, and she banished me as her follower for disobeying her. There we were, stranded and it starts to rain, which made the boat slowly fill with water. I looked up at the sky and laughed, attempting to trick the God. "HA! That's all you got! Thanks for the water. Enough for us to survive for a good week!" So, our DM proclaimed that Elohna stopped it from raining.
A while later, we needed more water, so I burned a wooden box and held it in the air. Elohna, loving nature made it rain to put the box out, and all we could do was laugh at how I tricked a God.

2) Our current campaign contains, a Bard, Fighter, Druid, Rouge, and of course the druid (Me) little wolfie :)

So, we were told to get some sort of artifact, and we ended up in a Goblin camp. Upon entering, we all notice hundreds of Goblins, partrolling the area. Now, instantly I used my ability to turn into a Mouse, and sat atop my wolfies head :). Then our rouge decided to sneak up next to one of the guards, and just stand there waiting.
About 10 minutes later, after many spot checks, it finally turns its head and notices the thing standing there next to him and goes, "Whaaaaaaa?" and all kinds of other jiberish. Then it turns further and sees a mouse waving to it, while sitting on top of a wolf and almost ****s its pants. Then the rouge just laughs and yells, "Sneak attack!" and stabs it in the back of the neck, killing it. None of the other guards noticed us.

Z-dan
2009-01-16, 07:16 AM
Can't believe I've only just come across this thread...

But yeah, I got a couple of stories:
First ever campaign I've been in, I played a half-elf fighter- didn't give a damn about anything but money. Highlights of the campaign included the paladin attacking the psion in his sleep because he just had enough, everyone tying up the gnome bard and leaving them to die from exposure, and a wizards duel between a low-level red wizard's apprentice and the master sorcerer of the local area- bets were taken, and after a few misfires from the rod of wonder a one-time use special item was used- one that transports the foe to a room full of red wizards who obliterate them and send them back. Course everyone bet on the powerful sorcerer, apart from my guy who bet a single platinum piece on the apprentice... after the battle he retired and now lives in the pretty part of Waterdeep

Next character- an elven aasimar ranger who had been haunting the woods, encounters the party whilst on the run from bounty hunters- gets killed by 12 horsemen within 2 minutes. Meanwhile, the other characters included a tiefling, a drow, and a trigger-happy elven sorcerer... that campaign lasted long enough for the sorcerer to say "drow! fireball!" and "demon! fireball!" and "12 horsemen! er... no more fireballs... snap the wand of acid!" *insert giant steaming pool of acid and no sign of life for a couple of square miles*
Then we have one of the most well written campaigns- on behalf of the dm and players- in which there were a couple of emotional scenes... my character was a female robin hood, innovatively called Robyn Pariah- and she developed a lesbian relationship with the wild elf ranger... somehow the aforementioned trigger-happy sorcerer made a comeback and the campaign ended with the sorcerer planning to use a wand of meteor to get into a cave full of hostages- needless to say there weren't many hostages left afterwards... appalled by the lack of concern for the hostages, the wild elf charges at the sorcerer and promptly gets a lightning bolt to the face... my character witnesses in horror and runs to her side, the sorcerer walks away and I loose my arrow using my special unique homebrewed houseruled sublimely magnificent Robyn shot mark III- and miss by 1. lightning bolt, I'm dead.

And finally, one of the most random moments I've ever come across... my character is now a rogue/dancer- the prestige class that dazes your foe whilst you dance so you can stab them without them noticing, and we have another sorceress- a wise though not too intelligent one- and a human fighter who has one of those bags of holding that's like the luggage- always has the thing you ask for laying on the top. except the bag was slightly damaged, so there was a possibility it wouldnt be quite what you was after. Being stranded in the desert, the girls ask for some beauty products- specifically hair straighteners. What comes out of the bag are modern Babyliss hair straighteners... we start examining them trying to find how they're used- we read the word 'volt' on the plug so the sorceress uses a small electric jolt and the part thats supposed to heat up does so, and the plug starts crackling with electricity- so my rogue immediately sees the practical uses of it as an electricity/heat trap. Nevertheless, we get intrigued by this item and so decide to see what other wonders the bag contains by actually going inside it- and we end up in Bristol. Needless to say, the girls felt right at home- specially my dancer that came across a seedy nightclub...

SilentNight
2009-01-16, 10:05 AM
This was kind of one of those "you had to be there" moments but I'll try to convey it.

When a while ago, our group, consisting of me the Warforged fighter, a Githzerai monk and a cleric, we storming the BBEG's castle. Now, for some reason the cleric had bought a folding boat and ten pounds of soap, which he explained were to poison any sea monsters we might run a cross in a land-locked city. :smallsigh: Anywho, we got to the evil cleric miniboss and our cleric says, "

I throw my boat at him and say the command word in midair."

Fortunately for him, our DM was a lenient one so what ended up happening was the cleric got his neck snapped and was lying on the floor, paralyzed, with a boat on top of him. Then, on the cleric's suggestion, we put soap on the guy's face and sat in the boat until he died.

Later that same campaign......
We were exploring an ancient pyramid, the monk having died and been replaced by a wizard. We got to an antechamber and then start hearing drums, can't see a thing of course. The drums go on and on, ominously and then the cleric freaks out. He casts wall of stone to completely seal off the entrances, stranding us there. The wizard and I start arguing with him about this so he casts create well and pushes me into it. The next round, he kills the wizard. Now, the wizard eventually convinces the cleric to raises him, and upon being brought back, attacks him and is killed again.
a

killmaster666
2009-01-16, 09:23 PM
"Kord Kord, Kord is my lord. Kord Kord, Kord is my lord"

wow i forgot the kord song mitchel thanks for reminding me of that

killmaster666
2009-01-16, 09:30 PM
Alright, so I would be that "Monk" that played with Killmaster there. Don't worry, my punctuation is better than his. -.-

Alright, so the story I'm going to tell you is one of complete non-sense and probably wont make anyone laugh. To be honest, there are two stories. The first one is from a while ago. Second is our current campaign.

1) Alright, so we were adventuring through a town which was under attack by a large number of skeletons, and the only way to survive was to run away, to the boats. Unfortunately, my whole party ended up in prison. Being an idiotic Cleric, I was trying to be nice, and fit in. I saw that everyone in there had a tattoo. I wanted to fit in so I decided to get one myself, and so I did.
After a daring escape through the prison, we made it to a ship, only to have it sink on us, and we were surely going to die at sea, with no water. I tried to use my Create Water spell, from the Elohna (Sorry is spelled wrong) Diety. Nothing happened. Turns out the tattoo was of Kord, and she banished me as her follower for disobeying her. There we were, stranded and it starts to rain, which made the boat slowly fill with water. I looked up at the sky and laughed, attempting to trick the God. "HA! That's all you got! Thanks for the water. Enough for us to survive for a good week!" So, our DM proclaimed that Elohna stopped it from raining.
A while later, we needed more water, so I burned a wooden box and held it in the air. Elohna, loving nature made it rain to put the box out, and all we could do was laugh at how I tricked a God.

2) Our current campaign contains, a Bard, Fighter, Druid, Rouge, and of course the druid (Me) little wolfie :)

So, we were told to get some sort of artifact, and we ended up in a Goblin camp. Upon entering, we all notice hundreds of Goblins, partrolling the area. Now, instantly I used my ability to turn into a Mouse, and sat atop my wolfies head :). Then our rouge decided to sneak up next to one of the guards, and just stand there waiting.
About 10 minutes later, after many spot checks, it finally turns its head and notices the thing standing there next to him and goes, "Whaaaaaaa?" and all kinds of other jiberish. Then it turns further and sees a mouse waving to it, while sitting on top of a wolf and almost ****s its pants. Then the rouge just laughs and yells, "Sneak attack!" and stabs it in the back of the neck, killing it. None of the other guards noticed us.

i already told the second one arter and he didn't just stand there he looked at it and asked it what was up and one of the other ones noticed when he killed it and because you just made your wolf bark at it you alerted all the rest of them

Pyrian
2009-01-16, 10:01 PM
Spiders are making spring attacks at the party by dropping out of the trees on high-tension web-lines and basically bungie-jumping at them. One party member with a greatsword decides to have his horse rear up so he can cut at the line at just the right moment. This action succeeds, dropping the spider to the ground - but upon a failed reflex save, the sword gets stuck in the sticky webbing it cut, which in turn hurtles the poor fighter into the canopy as it snaps back up...

Attack Amazon
2009-01-16, 10:35 PM
One of my new players during his brand new 5 minute old character's introduction to the story, stumbled upon a deck of many things that the rest of the part had hidden (very badly) in their cabin on board a ship. Being completely new to roleplaying games and not having a clue what a deck of many things is, he decides to draw a card. It was Death. RIP Tensei the First, shortest lived character in any game I've ever run. Long live Tensei the Second, who managed to survive his introduction and lead a relatively long and prosperous adventuring career.

Rutskarn
2009-01-16, 11:22 PM
I've run two epic, long-running campaigns.

Both have ended in bossfights.

In both bossfights, the bosses have been put down before they'd even taken their first action in the first round.

Damn players being much better at optimization than me.

I iz dapimp
2009-01-18, 11:54 AM
dudes, i was running the ONLY pre-written campaign i was ever running, and, heh heh, this was why. We had my friend, who, was not exactly"bright" playing the fighter, and, the story was that there was a stone that created the multiverse. It was stoleen. Party members got to his castle, killed minions, and when they got to his throne room, instead of fighting my boss, he charged the stone and destroyed it in one blow...*sob* thus ending the multiverse, and having me step outside and curse...alot:smallfrown:

the HZ
2009-01-26, 01:38 PM
Played a game of Paranoia! this weekend. My character had aquired some drugs but I had no idea what kind, or what their effects might be. I decided to sample a very small dose to see if I could get a clue.

DM: You don't notice any effects.
Me: Hmmm... I look for someone I could trick into trying them.
DM: You see a citizen. He's aiming a gun at you.

I better attack him before he can fire, I thought. I decided to hit him in the face with my pipe, but it came out wrong.

Me: I hit him with my face!
DM: You what? With your face?
Me: Er.. yeah. I headbutt him.
DM: You hit him. He falls to the floor. A guard robot appear and aims all its guns at you.
Me: I explain to it that it was an act of self-defence.
DM: "Terminating in five... four... three..."
Me: *panicking* I activate my Adrenalin Control and punch the robot!
DM: You punch the robot and send it flying 20 metres. An alarm goes off.
Me: I run for it!

I ran and dived into a maintenance tunnel. When I came out, I fainted and several guards jumped me. It was then revealed that I had been hallucinating from the drugs. The citizen wasn't armed, and I had punched a cleaning robot, breaking my arm in the process.

Edit: Oh wait, this isn't D&D. Sorry.

animal777
2009-02-12, 08:57 PM
im a noob that started playing. but in the time that i've played, ive seen some funny things.

one of the guys that plays is a half dragon/half goat human thingy. don't know the name of race, but he ended up getting raped by a dragon.

then he has a 10 foot long lance, and he wanted to rape a king with it. the dm wouldn't allow it.

Another guy had a ring of the ram. and since he doesn't play much, it adds charges each day(i think he has 56 charges on it now). and each day his horns grow more. well he ended up sending three charges into another guy, and almost killing him. but the other guy used a potion to heal some, and the ring guy tried to hit the potion with a magic missile and missed by a second. but needless to say, the guy ended up getting blasted 30 feet, and left at one life.

then the guy that blasted is a cat folk, so when we went to a cat village, he tried to hook up with some ladies and ended up getting shot down by all of them, except for one that was a really old grandma.

then i got in trouble for trying to shoot at an orb that a wizard was spinning around his head, and took massive damage from the guy after shooting him in the hand.

Assassin89
2009-02-12, 09:28 PM
one of the guys that plays is a half dragon/half goat human thingy. don't know the name of race, but he ended up getting raped by a dragon.


I think the race is satyr.

In one campaign, my now dead human cleric was in a party with a half elf female rogue, a female human in white armor, a female magmin with wizard levels, a male warforged healer, and a goblin fighter. One thing I say to the magmin is "I am not going to touch you. Under no circumstances will I touch you"

As for why the human cleric is dead, let us just say he was tentacle raped to dead by a negative battery, and afterward his body is torn in two, but it was no real loss.

The warforged also made a comment when deciding whether to heal the goblin after being attacked by a specter, saying "well, let's see now... you threw me down a well"

When the previously mentioned specter attacked the warforged:
DM(to Warforged's player): The specter drains two of your levels
Me: Wait a minute... Aren't warforged immune to level drain?

The DM realized this, but the warforged still took HP damage.

Gem Flower
2009-02-13, 10:29 PM
My character rolls a 1 on a Spot check. This is always fun, because our DM makes hilarious stories. I think that dragons are attacking, throw myself off my horse, and hit my head hard enough to knock myself unconscious. A fellow party member tries to wake me up by pouring a whole lot of water on me. This doesn't work, so he gives up. When I come to, I want to know why I am dripping wet, and he blames another party member and rolls really high on his Bluff check. Now may be a good time to mention that I am the only female member of my party. I slap the person who I now believe to have poured water on me, and he slaps me back. Our DM asks us if we want to have a catfight. We agree. Hilarity ensues.:smallbiggrin:

Narmoth
2009-02-14, 09:31 AM
So, I was playing with some of my friends, as a halfling ranger. (Don't ask me how. I swear I started as an Elf.) We get into a dungeon, and our Drow Fighter, the idiot, destroys the only light source, thinking it was magic or something. So we're standing there in the dark, and then our Dwarven bard (who I've never liked, and doesn't really like me) looks at me thoughtfully and says slowely, "Hobbits have hairy legs, right?"

So they pin me down, cut off my leg, light it on fire and use it as a torch. From that day on, I was known as Hoppy the Halfling. :smallsigh:

You are aware of that both the drow, the dwarf and the halfling all have darkvision?


You don't carry torches?:smallconfused:

Nope, as I said: darkvision

Mordokai
2009-02-14, 10:11 AM
Being reading this topic (http://forums.gleemax.com/showthread.php?t=898514) lately. Many funny stories, but the following one I find especially funny.


Them:"You realize you won't get into the Kingdom of Heaven if you play that game."
Me: "Are you gonna be there?"
Them: "Of course."
Me: "Then I find this arrangement satisfactory."

Me myself, I have no stories to share.

Vampiric
2009-02-14, 05:16 PM
You are aware of that both the drow, the dwarf and the halfling all have darkvision?



Nope, as I said: darkvision

You realise that Halflings only have low-light vision?

:smalltongue:

Recaiden
2009-02-14, 05:32 PM
One that I remember went something like this: We were fighting barghests, and there was one left, fighting the cleric, who was pretty hurt. So, he decides to cast flamestrike on it to finish it off. In melee combat. On the one hand, he did kill it, but on the other, he also got to like -3 HP.

Aristeidis
2009-02-14, 07:25 PM
Next character- an elven aasimar ranger who ...


elven aasimar?!!!?! aasimar is a race! you can't have an elven aasimar!

it's like saying "I play a human dwarf"!

KingGolem
2009-02-14, 08:57 PM
Ok, here's a pretty lame one. I arranged a D&D meeting once with the intention to finish up all the half-baked characters produced in the last meeting. Only one guy showed up, and after we finished his character, we decided to make the best of the time and talk about a backstory. His character was a half-gold dragon elf barbarian named Quarion Gix Holimion (he added "gix" to his name later, it's Draconic for "claw" or something), and he grew up in an elven community at the base of a mountain range where some gold dragons live. Apparently, he's the illegitimate son of a bored adolescent gold dragon and an elven barmaid. When he was born half-dragon, everyone in the village wanted him to get the best education of elven traditions like swordplay, archery, and magic that their dirt farming town could provide. However, it would be difficult to raise him as a stereotypical haughty elf if he was only half elf and and illegitimate one at that, so they hid this fact from him while he grudgingly studied. However, when he was 20-something (the adult age of elves in my campaign), his mother told him that he did not, in fact, have a rare skin condition- :smallbiggrin: We had to take a break, we were too busy laughing. Anyway, he runs away, joins a nomadic tribe of lupins (those wolf dudes from Dragon Compendium), gets his barbarian training, brefriends a lupin ranger who is another PC, and they set off to explore the world, when they eventually meet the rest of the party.

littlebottom
2009-02-14, 09:52 PM
picture this, the gm decides to make a Final Fantasy themed D&D game, i make a "sephiroth"esk character, with high HIGH acrobatics and tumble, for cinmatic like jumps constantly, along with the feat (i think its called long jumper) that allows me to jump from standstill as if i had a run-up, the GM starts the game and we are hunting down a woman who was hiding, and we saw he jump down into this glacial crack, where there was a complicated ice cave system underneath. so, i go first and walk up to the edge look down (big drop, but as it was final fantasy-esk then they wouldnt hurt you if you land properly.) and jump high into the air, do a sumersault and a twist and as im coming back down, i say "So what are you waiting for?" to the rest of the group as i disapear from sight...

we have a player who doesnt like to be out-done... ever. and decides to try and better it. by charging forward and diving headfirst aerodynamicly, to overtake me to the bottom, but rolls, and lands flat on his face, although he landed first :smallbiggrin:... needless to say the character died instantly, but the GM was too kind and let him continue from 1HP instead, fair enough i suppose as it was the first thing he did in the whole game. but afterwards, the others decided it was better to climb down slowly with ropes:smallwink: never been so chuffed in my roleplaying life (normally im the one on the receiving end of the bad luck)

Crispy Dave
2009-02-19, 04:17 PM
Alright so the party has just gotten finished fighting off an attack on the town from some suicide bomber abyssal monster things(they ran into things and blew up). The Lord of the town welcomes us to his manor for a bath and dinner. I being a half ork barbarian got the first bath. During the bath I see out a window one of the bomber things. I duck down in the tub and a giant explosion happens in the room next to me. I am unharmed thanks to the bath tub. Being under attach I get out of the bath and run into a room. I see a sword and Shield on the wall so I take them and run outside. A necromancer is holding a small boy with a dagger to his neck. As soon as he sees me he drops the boy and I charge him. Natural 20 and it turns out the sword was vorpal. I go inside the main room where the rest of the party is to see our ranger get decimated by an abyssal maul jumping from a balcony.The last thing that ranger saw was a half ork naked.

Anuan
2009-02-21, 10:16 AM
I heard this story a few years ago from a man I used to know; details are sketchy.

Basically, the party was confronted by an adult dragon. In a dungeon. I suppose the DM had little originality. In any case, the party was chased into a hallway or something similar by said dragon. It couldn't advance, they couldn't attack because they'd get slaughtered, but the thing is, the dragon could not turn around, either.

The character of the man who told me the story was a vampire halfling (gnome, maybe?) rogue. Who managed to slip behind the dragon. The dragon who couldn't turn around. He then proceeded to stab the dragon in the ass with a +2 dagger til it died.

LordSintax
2009-02-21, 03:08 PM
this comes from a while back. my regular gaming group at the time consisted of a bunch of D&D veterans, people who had been playing for several years. one of our friends decides he wants to join in. We're all for it, he's not an idiot and generally gets the concept of RPGs. He rolls up an elven fighter, not necessarily the most original of choices, but hey. It's his first character. He proceeds to name him (sigh) LEGOLAS, but whatever. as one of the magic items on an adventure, the DM gives him a unicorn bow. For those of you who dont remember these, they were basically a +3 bow of appropriate type, except they can fire an arrow of slaying at any creature that has killed a unicorn. this guy was a veteran of video game rpgs, so he didnt quite grasp the concept that a special feature for a magic item might NEVER come into play. especially one that obscure. what follows is a rough transcript of the conversation that occurred before EVERY subsequent combat encounter:

Player of Leggy: "hey, do you think any of these guys have killed a unicorn?"
Other Player: "ummm... they're kobolds, dude. I seriously doubt it."

the best joke that resulted from this player's obsession with unicorn-slaying peon monsters was that the penultimate encounter of one adventure was combat with an ancient red dragon. less than 10 rounds in, three of our four meat shields were down for the count, and the rest of the party wasnt exactly having a whole lot of luck even mildly inconveniencing this thing, much less actually bringing it down. I happened to be sitting next to the DM at this point; and I see, out of the corner of my eye, that there is something scrawled in red ink in the margins of the DM's otherwise plain black and white adventure notes. it caught my eye, and I couldnt help it. once I read it, I started laughing uncontrollably. The other players thought I was having an episode or something, but what the DM had scrawled into his notes, obviously 10 minutes ago was the words "has killed unicorns" next to the dragon's stats.

The Blackbird
2009-02-21, 04:22 PM
One time we were fighting some weird undead things in a town and a random commoner died and the nearest commoner started to eat the dead ones arm.

Another one is a story my brother told me were one of the PC's was trying to become a lich and instead, the other PC's messed it up and he ended up as a pair of magic dice.

I could go on for a while on funny stories, I might post again later.

Edit: Yay I started the new page:smallbiggrin:

Broler
2009-02-21, 07:17 PM
Our parties fighter was convinced that a rock we had found was magical, even though we had used detect magic and everything. so when we were next in town he throws it at someone. And instant kills them :smallbiggrin: we got kicked out and almost executed

Flame of Anor
2009-02-21, 07:51 PM
elven aasimar?!!!?! aasimar is a race! you can't have an elven aasimar!

it's like saying "I play a human dwarf"!

No, an aasimar is just someone with celestial ancestry. Sure, the aasimar statted out in the MM is human, but there's no reason you couldn't have an elven aasimar. In fact, my DM changed aasimar into a template, and it works a lot better. I don't know what the writers were thinking, making it a race.

EDIT: Oh, and here's a couple of funny stories. My dad was playing a barbarian one time (recently), and the barbarian was obsessed with ducks. So one time we were in a dungeon and the barbarian stepped onto a magic floor tile and was asked a riddle. He answered "It's a DUCK!" and was zapped with electricity damage. He didn't die, though, and we finally answered the riddle right.

Other story: my mom was playing in college (not recently) and she had a magic user. This character had an intelligent magic dagger, but it was no great shakes at fighting--plus 1 or something, no special powers. The dagger, however, called itself The Lord Of The Undead and thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. It would always be challenging foes to single combat, calling them names, yelling that it would take all comers, etc. It came in especially unhandy one time when her character was at 1 hit point and separated from the rest of the party (they might even have been dead). She was being followed by monsters, and was desperately trying to reach the town. And all the while The Lord Of The Undead was screaming for the cowards to come and die under its steel...

Other story: also when my mom was playing in college, her group did a "random dungeon" session--just roll the dice to see what you get. They ended up encountering a herd of giraffes in a dungeon corridor hundreds of feet underground.

Crispy Dave
2009-02-22, 03:32 AM
Alright I got another one

today we did an all day campaign and nI played a druid(I love druids). The DM hinted that having other genders may help so I volunteered to be female as did our Cleric who with the story background had been my friend for a while.

Long story short we get the task of retrieving 5 different people in one day all from different locations.

Firs of all my character would never just go blindly into a fight no matter what I fought I would try to reason with the monster before the fight to avoid combat.

First Dungeon we see a huge blue dragon. The Dragon had been tamed and it was not very intelligent I manged to get it to agree to join us if we got him out of the dungeon. I had our mage buff his intelligence so he could learn how to shrink himself. We now have a dragon on our team.

Before I go with my Cleric friend and our rougue to the next dungeon our Undead slayer(fighter/cleric) and our mage stay to wait for the dragons master to return. The Mage sends his familiar with us.

Second dungeon is a maze. I try to cheat it by casting flame wings but there is a metal ceiling over half the maze. We get to the end and there's a hut. Inside the hut two men are guarding one of the people we must save. I walk in asking how they are doing. They respond with "why the hell are you here?" I say "im here for the day care center to pick up my sister" I would have passed that bluff but the captured person was a male because I was mixing up the last captive and this one. DUH!. We defeat them and head back to the others.

The others captured the dragons master but she had no useful information.

Next Dungeon we get attacked by statues I just run past them and they dont follow me. We find a Female Centaur and I talk to her. I mange to avoid combat but she does not join us. we continue on through the dungeon. We see a sleeping two headed hellhound with a pink and purple collar. It wakes up and says"I smell humans sister". I say to it "your so cute!" while our undead slayer says "go back to sleep fiend!". One head thanks me for the compliment and the other says to the Undead Slayer "we don't like you either". I go up and pet the hellhound and it says "I wouldn't do that". I ask why it replies "this is why" and it bites me. I successfully bought us enough time for the mage to dismiss it. After we meet an oger who I cant communicate with so we have to kill it.

We capture their leader like the other one and they know nothing.

Fourth Dungeon is a huge Colosseum and I dont get to do anything.

fifth dungeon is an all female male haters dungeon. I was female if you remember. We look inside a door and see two drow putting makeup on. I go up to them and ask if I can join them. They agree. I ask if I may bring my friend's and they say yes. I bring in the female Cleric and my polar bear(ya I have a polar bear). I tell the others I have a plan and to leave us here. The others clear the rest of the dungeon and get the last captive we need. After beauty makeovers with the drow some of the bad guys show up they roll bad and agree to let us into thier group about to attack the town we were helping. They slap some wristbands on us that mind control us and turn us evil.


Final battle is at the town with group combat. Thanks to the dragon we befriended for the good guys they won with no problems. Our heroes managed to live and they took the bracelets off us and that's where we end.

fyi the DM was female.

the HZ
2009-02-22, 07:38 AM
elven aasimar?!!!?! aasimar is a race! you can't have an elven aasimar!

it's like saying "I play a human dwarf"!
Why can't you play a human dwarf? Not dwarf as race, but dwarf as in extremely short person. Who happens to be human.

Also, is it OK to post funny RPG stories that are not D&D? Because I played a really odd game of CoC yesterday.

The Blackbird
2009-02-22, 11:49 AM
Thought of another one:smallcool:

Once me and my buddies were in this epic battle with some undead wizard guy. (it was not a lich but I can't remember the name of the undead right now) The fight lasted about 4 hours (Real life time) and we fought the wizard a bunch of Ghouls and spiders.

For one thing right when the battle started my gnome fighter got held and he was out for most of the fight, my friends paladin charged when the fight began and a spider landed on him, everytime he managed to get back up another spider would land on him. There was also this super strong goat thing tied up in the corner of the room (it was part of the quest we were on) and if we got it free it would most likely beat the wizard.
So I had my other character a wizard/vampire( vampire as a monster class) run up to the goat, but the undead wizard guy had garlic and I took a huge penalty to getting the goat free.

At that moment all seemed lost, but then my wizard had another idea and I used summon monster 1 to summon a holy badger and the badger rolled a natural 20 and hit the wizard dude and almost killed him. The badger could not hit him from there after, rolled bad again and again, but then the undead guy casts a scroll of fly and begins to leave swearing vengence and all that.

Now THIS is the best part we all know he's gonna get away and become a reacurring villian but instead he, our rogue who was in the other room fighting ghouls and who never acually knew we were fighting the undead guy in the first place, see's him says "Yikes scary undead thing DIE" throws a bullet from her sling at him rolls a 19 hits, does four damage and kills him.

That was maybe the 2nd most epic and funniest D&D fight I've been in.

killmaster666
2009-02-23, 03:55 AM
Why can't you play a human dwarf? Not dwarf as race, but dwarf as in extremely short person. Who happens to be human.

Also, is it OK to post funny RPG stories that are not D&D? Because I played a really odd game of CoC yesterday.

knock yourself out dude

Lost Demiurge
2009-02-23, 03:02 PM
Okay. Normally I don't like boasting, but I think this was too funny not to share.

So we end up with an unexpected day or two of free time for this last weekend, and my friend wants to run a one-shot of Monte Cook's Iron Heroes. That's kind of like D&D 3.5, in a Conan setting. Your class is based around your fighting style, with one lone arcane class available to those who just can't live without their sorcery. The entire thing's set in a low-magic, pseudo-hyborian world.

Our buddy plays Zoltan the Magnificent, a street conjuror who is secretly a wizard. My wife is his assistant, a scantily clad dancing girl who's secretly an executioner. (Assassin type.) We've also got an african amazon style weapon master, and she's deadly with a shield and trident.

Me? I'm Khalid Ben-Hussan, the worst merchant in the city. Every few months Khalid staggers out of the desert leading his camel, with arrows sticking out of both of them, crowing about how he saved much money on caravan guards. Khalid fights with a falchion that has its own zip code. He's technically a berserker, though his abilities are based on good humor rather than rage... He has "Intimidating Laugh", rather than Battle Howl, that sort of thing. And he gets more cheerful as he fights, considering it all good play. Khalid is one-eyed... A bandit shot it out. Fortunately that bandit's head fetched a good bounty, and Khalid had the gold from it made into a new eye.

Khalid sells useless souveneir stuff... Bamboo flamingos, tiny silk umbrellas, and hats with wine mugs built into them. But he has a few useful things, such as Khalid's everburning torches (With a socket build into the bottom, so you can screw a new torch into it. Technically it's the same flame...), and Khalid's ten-foot pole. (A back scratcher with ten clawed animal feet built into it.)

So, the adventure is beginning, and Zoltan is telling the amazon's fortune in his booth, which happens to be up against the old, ruined city wall. Lo and behold, the wall starts to shift, move, and magically open! They're gaping at it, when Khalid pokes his head into the tent.

K: "Hey, Z! Friend of Khalid and conjuror beyond compare, the market magistrate is here. He wants the pay for this - by the gods! What did you do?"
Z: "Nothing! Though my magics be mighty, this is none of my doing."
K: "Hmph! Khalid believes you, but the magistrate will not. And he will be upset that you broke the wall. Maybe want double-bribe from Zoltan, this week."
Z: "Such perfidy cannot stand!"
K: "Yes! Let us find rude openers of walls in respectable wizard's homes, and request that they cease their opening!"

And so, our intrepid group went down into the dungeon to find someone we could politely ask to reseal the dungeon. All so our good friend didn't have to pay a 6-copper bribe, instead of a 3-copper bribe.

The grasping carnivorous fungus down the tunnel was easy to chop through, as were the skeletons waiting for us in the tomb antechamber. Then we came upon a sarcophagus that opened, revealing an iron-masked mummy, a terrible fearsome sight that glared at us with pure malevolence.

K: "Greetings effendi! The gods look down on us with favor, the stars themselves dance with joy, and Khalid declares an all-day twenty-percent off sale at this, the most auspicious moment of our meeting!"

The mummy stops. The rest of the party stops.

K: "Though humble Khalid hates to admit it, we have come as supplicants. Truly, we wail at disturbing such a revered great one! We rend our hair and gnash our teeth, woe, woe! But great urgency drives us forth to discuss our small, meager needs with esteemed ancestor."

The mummy stares. The rest of the party stares.

K: "Yes, you see, Khalid does not know exactly why, but a door has opened up in friend Zoltan's tent. If perhaps such a great ancestor could see fit to shut the door, Khalid and Khalid's friends will depart, giving much thanks and perhaps a bamboo flamingo puppet on a stick as a small gift for great one's casket..."

Mummy: "YOU TRAVEL WITH THE AZORAN." And then it tried to kill Zoltan.

Then there was fighting. But Khalid tried!

Later on in the tomb, we started hitting traps and puzzles. After the first trap, the wizard insisted on checking every door for more traps. (Anyone can search for traps in this system.) Every door came up clear. Then we got to the central chamber, and found five nonmoving skeletons sitting around a table. On the table was a pedestal with a ruby the size of Khalid's head!

Immediately, Zoltan goes for the ruby! Immediately, amazon woman tries to stab one of the skeletons! Khalid tries to stop both of them, and fails miserably.
K: "Wait! What? Think! Stop! This is perhaps... GAH! SOMETHING IS WRONG WHEN KHALID IS VOICE OF REASON!"

Of course, the pedestal animates, swallows the ruby, sprouts limbs and attempts to kill the hell out of us.

K:"OH! EVERY DOOR, EVERY DOOR HE SAY WAIT KHALID! WAIT, LET ZOLTAN LOOK FOR TRAPS! BUT NOOOOO, FURNITURE JUST FINE! COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE TRAP ON FURNITURE, JUST WALK OVER AND GRAB EASY TREASURE! Dammit Z, now Khalid have to kill a dais because of you. We live through this, you buying first bottle."

And the dais was defeated, the ruby reclaimed, and a fiery demon released unwittingly from the gem... But on the plus side, we did find out how to seal the wall again, and dodge the 3-copper bribe. So all's well that ended well...

Dirk Kris
2009-02-23, 03:32 PM
OK, so not THE funniest, but a funny DnD story.

We had this guy in our gaming group who was a real jerk, very snobby, "I'm better and smarter than you" kind of attitude. And he played - of course - a sorcerer. So we enter this old inn and are checking it out, because children have gone missing, yada yada yada. ANYway, we go up the stairs, and the sorcerer rushes across the second floor landing to look at something. The DM says, "Are you sure you want to do that?" And if THAT'S not a warning, I dunno what is. Anyway, the guy says yes, and the DM says, "OK, about halfway across, you fall through a hole in the floor. Roll a d20." The guy figures it's a saving throw and smirks, then rolls a 19. The DM smiles and says, "OK, now roll 19d4 for damage." Noting the guy's stunned look, he smiles and says, "What? I told you it takes a full minute to climb the stairs."

Jerk-boy got so butt-hurt about it, he got up and walked out and left.

Alteran
2009-02-23, 05:52 PM
In a recent 4e session, the party wizard switched characters for a beastmaster ranger. At one point in a fight, he was planning to use an encounter power he had, where he and the beast each got to make an attack. The DM left for a second to get a drink, and when he returned, one of our players said "Guess what? While you were gone, [Ranger] rolled two natural 20s!" The DM, of course, didn't buy this, and asked the ranger to roll his attacks. 20. 20. For the rest of the session, the ranger rolled at least one 20 every time he used that power.

killmaster666
2009-02-24, 12:49 AM
my friend used to purposly use weopons that requiered a D8 because he was the damn D8 master

I swear on my purple D20 this guy has never rolled less then a 6 during gameplay sure goofing around he would get 2's and stuff but EVERY attack roll was between a 6-8 for a while we thought he was using a loaded dice untill i tried to use it (I suck btw) and couldn't roll more then a 3

he has abandoned d10 wepons in favour of d8 weopons because he can do more damage with them it's hilarious to play with him

brandr
2009-02-24, 09:47 AM
Well, as long as we're sharing embarrassing and hilarious stories, the bard may as well pop up and spin a yarn that any old lady would be proud to knit from!

So there, in the forests and on the plains of Dar'Toonak, an island located in the oceans of wild Faerun, three inexperienced rutabaga pickers came to be part of a wild tale. An old man, Olaf Telcronom, had come to Dar’Toonak in search of several mystic artifacts (which you may hear of later if the mood of the muse should strike me fair again, and yet another tale be told).

Well, this man being so old, could not possibly perform the tasks of an archaeologist himself in such a dangerous land. So, he hired some younger men thirsty for an adventure. And, as is natural, he made certain these were poor and ill equipped farmer-folk, who were mere 1st levels. Three there were, a bard of red hair and great wit, Brandr Swindreamer was his name. He had run from home (a slightly wealthy and deranged home) to reach for fame and glory as a bard. Of course, he fell far short, and ended up harvesting the crop in a town called Meager, alongside a half-Orc, known as Gork Tornak a wild child barbarian, and a half-Elf druid known only as ‘Kerwin’.

In the course of these journeys, many beasts were slain, and it was noted that most of this was done by the sword of a raging barbarian, and the well waxed string of an especially vocal bard. The druid would have none of this, and so did decide to buy himself a weapon with which he could abandon his more magical duties as healer, and quarrel with the monsters and brigands that crossed their path.

Now, inevitably, it came to everyone’s attention that druids are not suited for front line combat, and Kerwin suffered constant malady by virtue of monstrous fangs. Once the lines were drawn betwixt adventurers and foe, his first move would be to charge them with his long spear. Each time the battle ended with him nearly dead, and the two others angry with him.

He’d been picked up and chewed on by an ankheg, grappled and nearly torn in two by a massive gorilla, nearly offed by a tiny white dragon guarding a tower, and not to mention the fact that he was almost finished off by a dire weasel who had become enraged when Kerwin had taken it upon himself to crawl down its hole head first, with no means of escape.

Finally, the others had decided to let the druid get what was coming to him when he charged into the middle of a warband of hobgoblins, and got himself flanked. The adventure continues as the green isle seeks to free itself from imperial rule, but this druid is no longer a member in this endeavor.

SkredlitheOgre
2009-02-24, 12:00 PM
I was DM'ing a group of 6. The group was in an underground tunnel system, fighting off aberrations, since the Big Bad of the adventure was a Mind Flayer Vampire. (This was before I had the book Lords of Madness, where there's an actual vamprie mind flayer monster.) Well, the party fights their way to the final battle. A group of 6 PCs against a mind flayer vampire, two other mind flayers, and several umber hulks, plus the truly horrid umber hulk bodyguard of the vampire.

The mind flayer vampire had managed to use Domination on our half-orc barbarian. He just barely missed his Will save. Three other characters had won initiative and two of them did some fairly complicated actions/spell, requiring me to look up stuff in the books. We get all of the actions for that round done and move to the second round.

At this point, I've completely forgotten that Arachnus, the half-orc (played by Josh) is Dominated, so I ask him what he wants to do. Josh and all the other players had forgotten, too. He moves toward the mind flayer vampire. I had deliberately placed the bad guys further away from the good guys, strictly because of Fast Movement. It was going to take two rounds to get there and then he could attack on the third round.

Fast Forward to the third round. Arachnus is standing pretty much right in the vampire's face, greataxe at the ready, pretty much ignoring the horrid umber hulk.

Me: Okay, Craig (human monk). You and Arachnus are standing side by side, you are in front of the umber hulk, Arachnus is in front of the vampire.
Craig: Which umber hulk.
Me: The really big one. You've managed to avoid his confusing gaze. What's up?
Craig: I attack the umber hulk. (the umber hulk had already hit him a bunch and he was on low HP.)
*attacks are rolled*
Me: You don't kill him, but you took a big chunk out of him. He doesn't look happy. Okay, Josh. You're up. What do you wanna do? (heavy sarcasm, because I know he's going to attack)
(before Josh can say anything) Craig: *scans the table, looks up at me and takes a quick inhale of breath*

At this point, I know I've missed something, because Craig is the only one who knows the rules and everything as well as I do. He keeps a straight face, so I start looking at the table and mentally going over what's going on with each character. Then I remember. Arachnus is under the vampire's power. I look up at Craig and slowly smile.

Craig: NO! NO! You can't do that! You forgot about it!
Me: Techinally, I can, because even if I DID forget, the vampire didn't and this guy is smart enough to sucker you into a trap like this.

So, I have Josh roll his first attack on Craig, who goes down like a brick. Craig keeps complaining, so I look up Dominate Person in the PHB. Josh would get a +2 on his Will save to do things against his nature. I start to argue that a Chaotic Neutral barbarian attacking someone wouldn't be against his nature, but I realize Craig has stopped having fun. So, I compromise.

Me: Okay, fine. Here's what we'll do. Josh, roll Will save again +2.
Josh: Dammit! I got a 1!
Me: Okay, this is your first attack.
Josh: Okay, I got an 18. And...16 points of damage.
Me: Craig. HP?
Craig *calculating* Minus 5.
Me: *mutters* Crap. Josh, Will save, +2.
Josh: 14. That makes 16!
Me: Damn! Close, but not quite. Roll second attack!

At this point, everyone is literally on the edge of their seat.

Josh. A 1! I missed!
Everyone laughs.
Me: Will save +2

Josh rolls and everyone is staring at the die as is rolls across the table, landing on a 1, one side of the die slightly elevated due to a coaster on the table.

Kyle (human ranger): REROLL! REROLL! The die isn't flat! He gets to reroll!
I think it over and shrug, handing Josh back his die.
Me: Fine. Reroll, J. Will save +2.

The die comes hurtling across the table and smacks into my DM screen, bounces off and spins on a point, coming to a stop. On a 20. Everyone, especially Craig, breaks out into cheers.

At this point, the only person who can heal is the dwarven cleric, who is still back fighting mind flayers and umber hulks. This turns into everyone with a ranged weapon covering the dwarf as he casts Righteous Might (which was homebrewed to make his movement 30 ft instead of 20. I might, come on.) The dwarf smacks the horrid umber hulk and in, I think, the sixth round, manages to cast Heal on Craig's character. Craig looks at me from across the table.

Craig: I hate you now and I'm going to kill every single one of these guys.

He promptly proceeds to clean house, rolling 19s and 20s for the next three rounds of combat, while taking a whopping 6 points of damage for the next three rounds.

Andre Fairchilde
2009-02-24, 02:25 PM
I DM'd a party of military guys - the players, not the characters.

So, a couple were high strung, and they always were entertaining.

This was a 3.0 campaign.

The party was creeping up on an abandoned, decrepit stone fort that was rumored to be housing some humanoid raiders. It was actually out of the way from the "planned" adventure, but I have no problem treating my D&D like a great big sand box for the players to go exploring in.

Anyway, the party is kind of sneaking up on this out of the way old fort.

They come upon a broken wall that surrounds the fort, and all is overgrown. They're in the middle of bushes, and have wonderful concealment.

Inside the fort however, on the second level, the Hobgoblin raider/bandits are on alert because that's what they do in camp. They place guards and patrol.

One player - an Elven Ranger - decides he's going to climb one of the broken walls - which is over 20 feet high. It is covered with a slick moss, but has some handholds on it.

He rolls a 1, and slides down to the ground with a "thump"

In the fort, several hobgoblin guards make their Listen checks.

The elven ranger again tries to climb up the wall (instead of just peeking around? :smallconfused:) and again fails to make the simple roll to climb up the side - again making noise.

Ok, the hobgoblins know somone is coming - and about where to expect them. They are readying actions to shoot the first people they see. They are also imbibing potions, etc.

The Elven Ranger tries a *third* time and finally makes it to the top - to IMMEDIATELY be shot by two arrows for almost max damage, and then...

... fall to the ground behind the wall for an additional 2d6 damage.

There's more...
One of the other players was bored at work that week and made MS Paint "T-Shirts" for the party.

One shirt with a big target was made for the elf, and another depicting a falling person with elf ears was captioned "Beware Falling Elves' :smallsmile:

the HZ
2009-02-24, 08:02 PM
After everyone died one hour into our game of Call of Cthulhu, the three players rolled up new characters while I tried to find ideas for a new adventure. Maybe I could do that zombie adventure I thought about earlier but never wrote down? Yes, that sounds like a good idea. I

One player rolled some sub-par stats, but she decided to go with it and made her character an author named Rene. The next player made a clergyman named Pierre. A bible thumper, but not in the fundamentalist sense, but in a more literal sense. He carried a huge bible, which he intended to use as a weapon. This idea was just so hilarious, I felt I just had to allow it.
Another player was constantly repeating the line "I seduce her!", a line he heard on TV or something. He made a musician named Jeanette, and rolled a 4 in Appearance.

Jeanette: No! I don't want an appearance of 4!
Me: I played CoC with some other guys once. One player had an appearance of 3.

He decided to keep the score, and wanted some hints on how to place his skill points.
Jeanette: Which skill is seducing?
Me: Fast Talk or Persuade, depending on your approach and intentions.
Jeanette: *places points in Fast Talk*
Me: Oh, and it would be useful if at least one of you put some points in driving.
Jeanette: Not me. I'm always the driver for some reason.
Pierre: All right, I'll be the driver.
Jeanette: Do we really need to put points in it? We already start with 20
Me: No, that's your base chance. It means your character knows how to steer, accelerate and brake.
Jeanette: That's enough, right?

Sighing inwards, I check the Clergyman's character sheet. He has put a few points in driving, but not many. I also notice that he has a high Intelligence, but few sanity points. This is a dangerous combination, since it means you will both easily fail sanity rolls and easily understand the horror you face. Anyway, I start the adventure.

Me: You're all friends on a road trip in rural France. You're in Pierre's car. Pierre's driving, Jeanette's in the front seat and Rene is sitting in the back seat. It's late in the evening as you travel through the countryside, looking for somewhere to sleep.
Jeanette: I seduce him!
Me: Wait, what?

Pierre violently defends himself from Jeanette's advances. Remembering Pierre's low Driving score, I mischievously ask for a Driving roll, which fails. The car skids off the road, into an empty riverbed. The players survive only slightly injured, but the car is stuck. They start walking, eventually reaching a church. Well, Rene and Pierre does, Jeanette decide to go back to the road and try to hitch a ride. Meanwhile, Rene and Pierre enter the church where they find the priest locked up in a room. He tells the players that he was hiding from a strange man attacking him. Suddenly, a loud crash is heard. A zombie is stumbling around inside the church. Pierre fails his sanity roll and loses quite a few sanity points, after which both he and the NPC priest attack the zombie. CoC zombies can take a lot of punishment and since beating it to death (or until it stops moving) doesn't seem to work, Rene tries to light it on fire. With a match. This doesn't work.

Rene: We brought all our supplies from the car, right? Do I have a bottle of wine?
Me: Yes.
Rene: Good. I pour it over the zombie.
Me: Ok, you pour it down its throat. (I've seen Braindead too many times)
Rene: I try another match.
Me: Wine isn't flammable.

The zombie never manage to hit with a single attack, and after the wine it critically fail its next. I rule that the drunken zombie falls to the ground, and both priests keep whacking it until Pierre smashes its head with his bible and the NPC priest drives a chair leg through its chest. I decide to send a zombie on Jeanette as well, in an attempt to get the group back together.

Me: You see a figure stumbling towards you on the road. It looks like a drunk man trying to find his way home.
Jeanette: I seduce him.
Me: He falls straight into your arms... and then he bites you in the shoulder.

This sent her running back to the church, where the NPC priest offered to drive them out of there in his car. After that, the adventure got a bit more normal.
Oh, and the character with an Appearance of 3 I mentioned earlier? The player who made him drew a picture of him. He depicted him as a dirty old German man with penises instead of eyes.

Deckmaster
2009-02-24, 11:41 PM
I was playing a monk and we were in a dungeon. We came across this hydra. When it came to my turn, I attacked it and then ran away. Then I ran back and attacked it again on my next turn. This became my preferred fighting style. Later, we were fighting the big bad, and after he displayed awesome arcane power, I decided it would be prudent to run away. I honestly didn't think we'd be able to defeat him. The rest of the party took to calling me "Brave Sir Robin."

killmaster666
2009-03-05, 11:11 AM
my friend had HORRABLE luck at getting cursed items.

the first one i can remember was he won a little fight amoung the party we had before the campaign started and the winner got a random magic item. the fight was pretty one sided (2 of us were spellcasters he was a fighter and i think the other was a rogue but the areana we were in didn't support sneaking very well)

the item he got was...i don't remember exactly some axe that you throw and it had the returning ability. the DM called the rest of us over though and pointed to 2 things he had writen down becuse we would notice when it happened but he wouldn't and he wanted to give us the heads up

1. Weopon is cursed at night

2. when he trys to make it return he will think it does but acually he is now holding a spoon and the axe is wherever it landed

now he knew somtihng was up but had no idea what because we were laughing our asses off we played out the campaign and for about 4 sessions he had no idea untill some random commer looked at us and said "why's that bloke charging the orc with a spoon!?" (we always picked up his axe and brought it with us after a fight, i think he thought the curse was every day at dawn it became a spoon and teleported into one of our backpacks or somthing)



the second one was me tryign to DM (emphisis on trying) i had planned out a campaign however the simple fact that they were chaotic evil through it basically right out the window

but i said screw it i had put a bit of time into this i was doing the one i had planned even if i had t force them on a good adventure

so they wen't into a store to spend some ill gotten gains on better weopons so i told them that the town had recently been robbed and if they got back the items then they would get massive discounts in the town the rest of their lives

(now i should say i know these guys really well and knew at least one of them would ask this) mitchel (the guy from the last story) looks at the shop keeper and says do you have ANYTHING that we can use

i sort of smile and say well....i supose i have a magic rapier (his weopon of choice) Ok but i want ti free because of what were getting it for. the shopkeep agrees and reaches under the counter and slowly pulls up this rapier holding it by the tip of the blade and places it on the counter. mitchel eagerly grabs it

There is a blinding flash of green light and he looks down to see his hand wrapped tightlyaround the handle even tough he had barily touched it before the light so he trys to put it down and realises he can't. so he is about to make a move on the shopkeep and kill him for sticking a weopon to him when the shopkeep says i needed some way to garuntee you would come back with the stuff i have the only spell that will remove that weopon from your soul and if for any reaosn that weopon and you are ever seperated...your soul will be ripped from your body and destroyed

so they went out hunting for the crap that got stolen from the town and i kept screwing with him by making guards in towns they were resting in and such ask him to put his weopon away or stuff like that i think towards the end he got his hand cut off facing a personification of his evil which was just a pitch black version of him any damage done to the shadow version was also done to him but it didn't work the other way around (BTW mitch if you read this you were supposed to make peace with it not try to kill it that's why it cut off it's own right hand making yours fall off killing you)

luffy316
2009-05-05, 02:23 AM
Oh how the stories have stacked up over time...

Lately, I've been running a superhero campaign. The team includes

Lichzorz, a 4chan dork who got the powers and appearance of a lich. Considers this real LARPing. Built a personal golem with a laptop in its back
Vanity: played by my gf. self-absorbed male model/vampire hunter who controls light and can use mild illusions. Massive charisma. Recently bound to a succubus (Lily) to him, making it his adoring little cheerleader/soul sucker
Steam: a steampunk inventor with super strength, iron bones, and devastating swordsmanship
Dusk: shadow-kinetic teleporter and mild shapeshifter
Dreamchylde: telekinetic and fires energy blasts, and fights with a scythe
Cymurai: robotic swordsman made of almost unbreakable metal, leaving him nearly immortal (and partly suicidal).



The gang meets for the first time at an experimental laboratory where a villain has hijacked an experimental giant death ray ("Yea, sorry. Bad idea.")
They fight their way through hacked robot guards, genetically modified freaks, etc. until they reach the raygun chamber, where the villain awaits. She'd a 8 year old with a too-big labcoat, a teddybear, and fake glasses, vowing vengeance against mommy and daddy for making her go to bed early. All face palm or groan at Dr. Adorable



At one point later when the party splits up, Vanity investigates some paranormal activity nearby. Finds a ghost and manages to put it to rest by uncovering its body hidden in the walls of its old home. He meets the rest of the group on the street, carrying the body and finding out that people around the city are turning into beastmen and attacking at random. the gang brings him up to speed.

Vanity: "Alright, I'm in. Lich, want to do something with this body for me?"
Lich: "Oh, sure." *chants and waves his staff, the body standing upright and the ghost (looking far more human that it had earlier) appears again.
Vanity: *agape* "You... I meant BURY IT! Not defile it!"
Lich: *genuinely shocked* "You said 'DO SOMETHING' with the body! LOOK AT ME!! What did you expect!?"


The group joins up with a local team of rebellious teen heroes The Upstarts and pools information. they determine that there's a link with the Brown Barrel brand of beer since it's at the site of each of the changings, and Dusk manages to dig up that a villain called The Madness is spreading the word to villains to keep the streets clear tonight. He's also in Prometheus Island, basically super-jail.

They split up, one group going to the bottling plant and one to check on the jail. Vanity, Dusk, Zag (a jittery speedster), and Miss Fire (Upstarts' callous pyrokinetic leader) go the the plant, and Steam, Lich, 'Zerk (the oversized super strong jock), and Kid Kataclysm (street punk with massive telekinetic power but no moderation on it) hit the jail.


Team 1 gets to the plant and finds it filled with the monster-men, bringing down an offensive guard before Miss Fire (whose been running the show) goes down. Dusk teleports around inside the plant in secret and finds nothing wrong with the machinery, looking unopened for some time as the monsters seem to be apishly trying to operate the bottling machines.

He has Zag do some double checking, finding out that Madness had his men drug a water bottling plant, which happened to be a partner with BB beer and went into their formula. It also happened to be the water they ship to Prometheus Island for the isolated jail's guards. Dusk orders Zag to get Miss Fire to a hospital and decides to take out the monsters while they're in the plant all at once (player left the game) so Vanity took it upon himself to hit the water bottling plant.

Cue Vanity glamouring himself into a monster and infiltrating their ranks. he makes great rolls and actually not only comprehends them fairly well, but manages to speak their gargling babble quite efficiently (it mostly revolves around hitting things anyway). A well-played bluff or two and she manages to convince them to rally with her and raid the prison with her (where the rest of the group is trying to suppress a riot/break).

"Vanity shows up at the front door with about two dozen beast men, who, at his command, rapidly attack guard and prisoner indiscriminately from the outside in. And I swear, Van, if you get an army of monsters on your side every damn game, I'm going to kill you off and make you ugly as sin."

luffy316
2009-05-05, 03:11 AM
more compact, my friend's giving us a 4e game. I'm a human fighter, one other player's some elemental race (new player's handbook) spellsword. we're bashing our way through a front line of kobolds on one side of a rope bridge that hangs over a chasm. our teammates are all blasting or shooting across the bridge at their archers, and their one who is banging a gong as an alarm.

the spellsword (marcus) uses a bull rush on one of the ideally positioned critters. shoves them down it, and dave declares him out of the fight and dead. inspired by this, however, he has the next kobold bull rush Marcus to do the same. marcus rolls horribly and is shoved over the edge. dm gives him a reflex check... and fails miserably. Dm stares at the map, then his notes.

Dm: "okay... I did not plan on this. Um... okay, there's a stream at the bottom of the chasm. you just take some fall damage and can make a swim check to steady yourself until they send a rope for you."
Marcus fails this as well and is swept away
DM: "Ok, i guess we end here for today, because i never expected marcus to suck so bad at this."
Me: "Hopefully this is all during the annual 'kobold screaming and gong concert' and nobody noticed. then they'll activate the waterfall special affect and let marcus out of it and everyone will just applaud"

Trodon
2009-05-07, 12:07 PM
lol thats funny

ok my group and i were playing an epic game i dont remember the levels but i was a Cleric/Rogue and i decided to sneak up to a purple worm so what do i do?
SNEAK ATTACK INFLICT CRITICAL WOUNDS!!!! i died about 3 rounds after that but the worm did die its just that our wizard decided to cast a maximized meter swarm... it wasint that fun

Silence
2009-05-07, 12:18 PM
Ok, so the setup: Assassin character (Man, I really like assassins) whom I'm DMing a solo adventure for tries to sneak into a palace and kill the king. He's about 8th level, and the guards find him, surround him, and beat the living daylights out of him. He's down to 4HP, and the guards drag him into the king's throne room. He has one dagger, poisoned, hidden in his boot.

So, here's what happens. This is all by dice rolling. All following official rules.

He breaks free of the guard, knocks him out, slams past another guard, sprints and pulls a flying, leaping stab at the king. Rolls a perfect crit, and rolls max damage and con drain, killing the king instantly. He then runs, dodging arrows, swords, and all sorts of attacks of opportunity, rolling grapple checks against four different guards, winning, runs out into the halls, out of blind luck finds the treasury, takes two weapons, runs out of the building, into the courtyard, scales the 50ft wall, dodging about two dozen bow attacks, kills two knights on horseback, steals a horse, and rides off into the sunset. And they don't find him afterward.

The Dark Fiddler
2009-05-10, 08:01 PM
I haven't even started playing yet, but I'm planning, and I've got one.

My friend is convinced there's a final boss in D&D, so he's like "Dude, I bet YOU'RE the final boss, as dungeon master." I then proceed to explain all of my attacks, especially my moving in real time, shooting instant death from my eyes, and being immune to everything, and he says ,"That's against the rules!" Well, honestly, you're fighting the DM. He can do anything he wants. That's what you get for fighting against him. Rocks fall, anyone I want but nobody I don't want dies.

Icewalker
2009-05-10, 10:49 PM
I had a character with split personalities, changes occasionally during battle and overnight. One of them is a very introverted, ranger-esque character who really doesn't like people or society much. Prefers the outdoors. In an inn, demanded to stay the night in the stable loft instead of in a normal room.

Woke up in the morning as the short-tempered warrior jerk, who considers himself very entitled and a bit of a noble. Who proceeds to walk downstairs, grab the innkeeper by the shirt, and very angrily demand his money back for being forced to spend the night in the stables.

This is being watched by another, significantly more reasonable PC, who didn't completely know or understand (IC or OOC) about the split personalities issue, and who watched him demand the stables the night before.

Yeah...

Flabbicus
2009-05-11, 03:21 PM
So two sessions ago we had entered into the human-centric home city of my character. I had set up a whole epic back story with the DM over email about how he has some curse and how his whole family was murdered with him receiving all the blame. We had just finished traveling to the Scepter Tower of Spellgard and I found out who the real culprit was.

So we spend a good deal of time buying some disguise kits for my character and another player's character who is recognized as being "shady" as he is a Hellock that ran around the merchant's district.

We split up the party a little bit to do this whole grand entrance a la Ocean's Eleven for the Dragonborn Warlord. We set him up as a big shot visiting dignitary (which he technically is, minus the whole bigshot part) and it all goes great. My character visits the grave site and I roleplay his grief over never getting closure over the loss of his family.

We all meet back up after the others do some politicking at the Arena. We witness the combat beast arena champion, a Minotaur Barbarian, utterly destroy a bunch of criminals. The Dragonborn Warlord decides now is a great time to jump down into the arena and ask the Minotaur if he wants to get a drink.

Cue DM facepalm. Needless to say the Minotaur is less than receptive and they start a match. The Dragonborn actually did fairly well his first turn. He used his action point to bloody the Minotaur and it was looking surprisingly good for him. Then during the Minotaur's turn he utterly wrecked the Dragonborn, sending him into the negatives. We even had to retcon one of his actions so he wasn't beyond saving.

Now the problem with our party is that even though we have two leaders we only have one person with the Heal skill. And that would be me, public enemy number one. I leap down into the arena and proceed to make two failed checks to stabilize him (A 1 and a 2 respectively). The third check works and he barely recovers.

The DM calls for a Bluff check to make sure that I am not recognized. I critically fail the roll with a 1. A few minutes later I submit to the guards so I am not lynched by the crowd and the DM explains how this session went completely differently than he expected it would.

The best part of the session though, was that the two caster types decided to investigate the mausoleum that I had visited. They used last sight vision and ended up having to evade a powerful lich until they could find a way out of the demiplane. It was nice to see my backstory come to (un)life by causing hell for the other party members.

The short of it is I saved another party member's life after he made a rash decision to solo the arena champion and my character was put on death row! Also, the alchemist and warlock were sucked into a memory and forced to evade a powerful lich that was included in the backstory I discussed with the DM!

Meirnon
2009-05-20, 02:05 PM
I've got one... Back when I was playing my favorite halfling rogue Cade Goodbarrel (yeah, original name, I know). We just started a campaign with my friend Mike, and he does really low-magic campaigns. The lineup was this.
Cade Goodbarrel, Halfling Rogue (me)
Gimble, Gnome Bard (my little brother)
Laoutian, Human Druid (Josh) with a fox companion
Random LG ranger/fighter that acted CE (Will). Note that this is Will's typical character.
Valmari (or something like that) the half-fey something (ran by Faith, who is the aunt of my best friend and Josh's EX-girlfriend). Mike hates himself for letting her play.

So, we just got done with the first story arc, which involved us raiding a goblin cave for some reason. We were going to a town, and the mayor didn't like us or something. So, Cade went to talk to him with his really high bluff skill. By the end of it, not only did I convince him we were no real threat, but also that the Druid's companion was a dairy cow. I'm not sure how I did it... but it happened.

Also, in that same campaign I was playing another halfling Rogue named Jiffy. Him and his partner-in-crime Alton were hated in that town because of their mischief. At one point we had to carry the stupid dwarf cause he was dying, but we didn't have anything to carry him with. Jiffy and Alton went back to town, stole the door from one of the mud and straw huts from one of the houses (it's in the middle of winter, btw), and used that to carry the dwarf's near-carcass. Then when they returned it, it was put back on crooked, caked with blood, and the halflings carved caricatures of themselves into it.

Another good reason they were hated was they stole even the lint out of people's pockets. Also, they had a habit of climbing onto people's roofs and dropping in through their smoke-holes uninvited. This initiated much complaining from Herbert the Kind, who was the barkeep of town. He'd close shop, and we'd fall in through the roof.

Jiffy also killed this same Herbert the Kind. Herbert was attacked by a cultist, and in a frantic effort (and a roll of 2), Jiffy stuffed a piece of cloth into Herb's wound, killing him.

Jiffy wasn't entirely without heroics, though. He saved Joop, the party wizard, and Alton from death by fighting off cultists. The other two were unconscious and dying, and Jiffy took a crit that took off his left arm. He finished off the last cultist just as he was at 0hp... which meant he dropped right after and all three were dying. Thanks to random stabilization, though, they turned out fine. Then later, he sacrificed himself to get an again-unconscious Alton out of a burning mine-shaft. He died, Alton lost his left arm. Fun times.

Meirnon
2009-05-20, 04:47 PM
Sorry for the simultaneous posts... but reminiscing has reminded me of some funny stuff.

In the campaign I'm currently in, hosted by my best friends dad, I got in a bit late, so I took control of the NPC cleric, known then as "The useless Cleric". His name was Kyrnin, and he WAS useless. Well... until I played him. Pretty much the DM hated him and tried finding ways to kill him that never succeeded.
Example #1: Before I played Kyrnin, the party was scaling a 50ft. tower. Kyrnin was the last one up, and was having a hard time climbing the rope in his half-plate. Right as he was coming through the window, he fell the 50ft. and was at -1. He stabilized, and the party continued through the tower without him. Upon coming back out and finding him STILL alive they all go "What the f***?! He's still alive? How is that possible?!"
Example #2: My first time playing we had an urban fight. Kyrnin got hit with a "hold person" spell, and the party wizard, Eldest, put him in the portable hole. Ed, our DM, didn't tell Eldest that a portable hole only has a limited amount of air (not enough for the amount of time Kyrnin would be in there, at least), and I nearly suffocated.

Well... When I started playing Kyrnin, he started becoming useful, even saving the party members a few times. Anyways, this is the part I wanted to get to...

Remember that rope incident on the tower? Well, Kyrnin has had a fear of ropes since. So, to torment him, the part gave him the magical rope they found as loot (rope of tricks or something? I'm too lazy to find my DMG and find out right now). So, let's go forward now that he has this rope.

The party is fighting a clan of were-rats inside an abandoned clock-tower, or something like that. Kyrnin is too slow to go up the stairs to catch up with the party, and there's a shaft in the middle that the party barbarian, Kune-Tear, just went up and bashed through a wall. Kyrnin takes his rope, stands in under the shaft, and commands it to straighten.... all the way up the shaft, taking him along with it. On his way up, he sees Kune standing in the hole he made to fight were-rats, and casts "Bull Strength" on his way up. So by the time everyone else is at the top of the tower, the friggen slow cleric in half-plate is already there asking "what took you so long?"
Also, in that same battle, the party druid, Himo, wildshaped into a crocodile to go back DOWNstairs... which was pointless, then went to the door of the level Kune was fighting were-rats on. It went like this.
Himo: Okay, so I go downstairs.
Ed: Okay. That takes you awhile cause crocodiles can't go down stairs.
-3 rounds later-
Himo: Okay, I open the door.
Ed: You don't have any hands.
Himo: I nudge it open.
Ed: It's locked.
Himo: WHAT?! But Kune's in there! How is it locked?
Ed: He went in through the shaft, remember?
Himo: Oh yeah...... I break the wall open.
-rolls dice and breaks a hole in the wall next to the door-
Ed: Oh my god... Himo.

Completely pointless. You couldn't understand how many times Himo does stuff like this too. It seems he just makes the dumbest plans in the party simply because he knows we won't listen to him anymore.
So yeah, now I'm playing a Dwarven Cleric from 200 years in the past (he's only about 57, thanks to temporal stasis and being pushed into the astral plane). He doesn't have to eat or drink, but he constantly cooks the meat of dead animals and enemies on the flat of his flaming axe and using "create/bless water" to create mead to eat and drink. It's even better by the fact that he has more HP than the barbarian and has somewhere around the AC of a huge dragon. He's practically invulnerable, and I still b***h every time I get hit for even a point of damage. Heck, the biggest amount of damage I took in the last session when we were fighting the practical antithesis of the party was when I fell down the stairs 5'. One other party member died from that battle and the rest were severely wounded, and I was the one complaining. The best part is I'm trying to get the rest of the party to loan me enough money to make my +1 Mithral Fullplate enchanted with "Heavy Fortification" to ensure I'm invulnerable. I a terrible player :smallbiggrin:.

Arachu
2009-05-20, 08:25 PM
Me: DM / Gnomish Wizard who learns spells like a Cleric for some reason

My friend: Half-Dragon, Half-Human Fighter/Sorcerer with insane gear

We've only gotten a few panels into some tomb or another (which I kind of forgot to specify the contents of :smalltongue:), but I made sure things got freaking weird in there.

We step in. He walks ahead of me. I bite back a grin, because I know what's around that corner.

He reaches the corner, I yell the best "WEEEUHR!!!" I've ever done, and he gets jumped by a Choker.

So, I turn my laptop with all my DnD stuff on it toward him and say "This is what you see".

So, basically, this waist-high Choker proceeds to beat the crap out of the crazy-*** half-dragon with the plate mail and bastard sword. I saved his *** with a well-timed "Duck!" and a Color Spray. We basically moved on to dismembering and burning an inexplicably catatonic Choker :thog:

Then, we realized that he had 3hp and I had 1 spell left, so I elected we sleep. I curled up in my brown robes, appearing to be a lumpy burlap bag in a corner, while he pretended to be a statue.

Whilst we... Slept (for lack of a better term), an orcish patrol (which really had no place in this dungeon :smalltongue:) began to investigate me. Then, a Gibbering Mouther dropped from the ceiling, ate them alive, and then promptly died for reasons I never bothered to envision.

So, basically, we woke up next to the once-living equivalent of a cesspool :smalltongue:. And he stepped in a puddle.

Next, we entered a room. There was a very large, very dead, rotting Dire Shark in the middle of the room. He turned to me, muttered "You know something about magic... What the **** is with this???", and I just shrugged.

Then, a Dire Weasel ripped out of it (in a very Alien-like manner) and immediately disemboweled my ally. I set its eyes on fire and dragged him back to town (bowels and all).

And then, I learned that CR2 is not a viable encounter for a party of two level-two characters, despite morbid overpowering :elan:


... Next, I plan to introduce a pickpocketing dog...

Shraik
2009-05-20, 10:02 PM
I played a character, a tiefling in....*gasp* 4.0........ I don't like it AT ALL WELL ANYWAY, this tiefling who was raised in the wilderness, with the guidance of his one and only friend, Chester, a mildly obese cockatiel that has colorful plumage and had to wake from branch to branch. It was eaten by a hawk one day, and made him not happy. So he hates hawks.
Because of this, he was really only used to being around birds, so his mating rituals were.... dancing and chawing(kawing?) at women. He got drunk, started doing it with his pants of.
Woke up next morning. Scored the elf chick according to the DM.

Fenixborn
2009-05-21, 08:21 PM
A while ago I played a dwarf cleric while 2 other people played 2 dwarf fighters. One of the dwarf fighters had a nice set of boots that made him pretty powerful. Anyway, the DM went to attack this dwarf with the hydra queen since the fighter with the boots could have given it a fatal wound. The DM rolled the dice, and we are talking about 10 pieces of dice, and they were all ones! He just kind of stood there with a most hilarious expression on his face while we all laughed. :smallbiggrin:

X2
2009-05-21, 08:26 PM
Okay here's an... amusing 4th ed story. While there we're 6 party members, the group had split into three for three different concurrent sidequests (we have a very patient DM). The party members involved we're

Kildrak - Dwarven Cleric (played by me!)
Cam - Human Paladin (not played by me!)

Our monastary tasked us with retrieving their most holy amulet which was carelessly lost to the lake they hover over (the monastary is held aloft by the faith of it's inhabitants) and this was Cam's initiation test.

After some bartering with some Sahaugin using Orc meat as a bribe scource (we had an almost limitless supply from a previous battle) we had arrived to a point where we needed one clan (Redtooth) to fight another clan (Greenscale) to retrieve it.

Of course we trusted the Redtooths only as far as we could throw them so we rigged the two carts of orc flesh with an explosion method using a wand, some burning oil and a magic mouth. On these words, the cart we we're in charge of would explode.

Igglyoop - Kildrak
Ogglyoop - Cam

The idea that the Redtooths agreed to was to use ourselves as bait (the Greenscale leader had personal grievances against us) to lure them into a trap where we would pay them part of our wager and the rest when they took the amulet from the decimated Greenscale tribe. But we decided it would be safer to have an illusionist simulate our precense.

The board was set, the pieces we're in place and the plan was put into motion. The enraged Greenscales amassed on the shore and chased the false adventurers right to the rigged carts. The Redtooths showed up and for the most part help up their end of the bargain and, as per our prior agreement, we showed up to offer help. Thanks to some buffs the Greenscale attack squad was annihilated, however the Redtooths, with nothing to lose, advanced on us to take the orc meat.

We kicked the two carts into the Sahuagin who greedily lept upon them both, seeing as how the Greenscales were the ones that held the amulet we felt no need to hold any Redtooths hostages, so we both muttered our code words.

Kildrak: "Igglyoop"
Cam: "Ogglyoop"
DM: "Good job. The explosion can be heared all the way from Elven country. Orc and Sahuagin parts are basically falling from the sky."
Kildrak: "Peachy"

The only survivor got the amulet for us so in the end the sidequest was a success. But the image of exploding a cart of rotting Orc was just hilarious. I imagined that if someone came into the plot at that moment they would have no idea what the hell was going on.

Vaynor
2009-05-22, 12:55 AM
Low level campaign, they had stopped in a town and one guy was almost level 2. He has the bright idea to kill some rats to gain a level before heading out again, and goes to the nearest basement. Keep in mind, I was running the game with the double-crit-and-you-die rule (two critical strike chance rolls, followed by a successful attack). He's on his third rat, when I roll miraculously - 20, 20, 18. I didn't have the heart to have a rat kill him, so I just reduced him to -5 and dying (the rat severed a major artery). His party saved him, but it was still hilarious.

OverdrivePrime
2009-05-22, 08:55 AM
Okay, since we've got a go-ahead on non-DnD gaming stories, here's one from my silly days of playing rifts.

Back in the day, I rolled up a seriously awesome Cyberknight, named Parik Starkman. With the crazy palladium rules on rolling stats, I got him a starting strength of 28 (improved to 36 with skills), a physical prowess of 23, physical endurance in the very high 20's, and an IQ of 10. I played him like he was a combination of The Tick and Sir Galahad, always going forth against impossible odds to do his best to right wrongs and smite evil. The original intention of of the first edition Rifts Rules was that the Cyberknight would be a truly awesome combat class: very good combat abilities, minor psychic powers, sky-high hit points and then they started with cyber-armor implants.

Unfortunately, the rest of my party consisted of a superhero (formerly a juicer who whined and whined to the GM until he was allowed to use the heroes unlimited rifts conversion rules), a dragon, a mega-damage monstrosity from Atlantis that looked like a gigantic owl on steroids, a line walker who was too smart to get involved in direct combat, and a Magic Tattooed man. Basically, ol' Parik Starkman, heroic cyberknight and all-around do-gooding pile of beef, was the weakest character of the bunch, but I always played him as if he thought that he was invincible as long as he was acting on the side of justice and righteousness. This was boosted by the fact that he was one lucky SOB. Having his armor blown to smithereens just encouraged him to fight even harder and it was when Death was staring him right in the face that I consistently rolled natural 20s.

A common situation:
DM: Okay, Greg's dragon has been reduced to a regenerating tongue hiding behind some rocks, Kristen's line walker is out of PPE, Johnny Omega and Parik are trying to keep the demon busy so that everyone else can regenerate enough to get back in the fight. Johnny, what do you do?
Keith: I punch the demon in the effin' mouth!
DM: Roll it!
Keith: 34 to hit! [DM sighs] 65 mega damage to the frickin' face!
ODP: Awesome, Parik steps up with his psi-sword and slashes at the Demon's leg! 18 to hit! [DM rolls, nods that I hit] 15 mega damage!
DM: Okay, the Demon isn't happy with you guys. He power punches at Johnny Omega for a 26 to hit!
Keith: I dodge! Aw crap, I rolled a 3.
DM: So what's that come out to?
Keith: Um... a 28. Heh heh. Safe!
DM: Oh for crying out loud. Alright, the Demon then smashes at Parik with his tail! 22 to hit!
ODP: Parik takes it like a man - he needs all his attacks this round.
DM: Ooookay... 55 Damage. How much MD did your armor have left?
ODP: Hm... 34.
DM: BOOM! You're naked! You go flying back against the cliff and you've got a nasty dent in your cyber armor.
The other players, who all have vivid imaginations: Oh gods! My eyes! Put that thing away!

Next round, Johnny Omega continues fisticuffs with the Demon and hurts it some more while easily dodging. Parik picks up his NG-P7 Particle Beam Rifle (http://www.nexusnine.net/doc/feat/upc/05/05/) with a gleam in his eye.
DM: Okay, Parik, your cyber armor is badly damaged, you're wearing nothing but bruises and no one, including the demon, is particularly happy with this situation. What do you do?
ODP: I run up, jam my rifle into the demon's belly, and unload my clip!
DM: *sigh* Alright, roll it.
ODP: Natural Frickin' 20!
DM: Woah! What's the damage on that thing?
ODP: I rolled a 4. On a d4 times 10. Multiplied by 10 for unloading the clip. Multiplied by 3 'cause I'm level 6 and I criticaled.
DM: That's.... holy #$*(&!
ODP: Twelve Hundred Damage. :smallbiggrin:
DM: You are now wearing the fine, paste-like remains of the demon.
Everyone: Ewwwwwwwwwwww. :smallsigh:


Parik was beaten into nekkidness so often that the DM eventually gave him magical, always-clean, indestructible boxer shorts so that no monster from the rifts would ever again have to make a horror factor check against Parik's privates.

The DM of those adventures just got married last weekend. For my best man present, he made me a beautiful, full-color comic of the story of the Magic Boxers. I laughed until I was almost sick!

Meirnon
2009-05-22, 09:26 AM
Okay, I've got one from my first session of DM'ing. I just got done with a very minuscule world torn by an impending war. The players are as follows...
Derrick- A Dwarven Juggernaut (a defensive class)... can't remember his name.
Tyler- A Death Elf Manablade (a custom race of TN elves and a class that imbued it's weapons, armor, and body with elements) Can't remember his name, either.
Will- Trusius, A Human Cleric. Please note that Will is a horrible player, and much of our gaming discomfort comes from him.:smallsigh: *sigh*
Jake-Richard Biggs, A Human Magick Brawler (a custom class that discharged spells with punches). Jake is also known as Himo, btw.
Sean-Lloyd Smith, A human Shadow Knight (A class that drained it's own life force to damage others). This is my little brother.
Eric- Thax Felgree, and Elven sorcerer. Didn't have ANY combat spells, focusing more on utility.

Anyways, this starts out with their first adventure. I set up the meeting, and the party agreed to adventure with eachother to the Ruined Monastery of Terathyll. It was going to be at least 5 days journey with a stop-over in the city of Valeloft. Will (Trusius) decided not to meet up with the adventuring party until after they were well on their way. He gave no reason WHY his character would be out that way, because he was supposedly a farmer boy (why is he a cleric then? :smallconfused:). Anyways, I had to allow it to keep the game going smoothly, and so the party stayed the night in Valeloft after a few days of travel. I set up a side quest where a noble-woman was robbed by a Boggle in the middle of the night near their Inn. Will decided that after he saw the scuffle that he'd jump out of his 3rd story window, then HIT ON THE NOBLE-WOMAN.

Afterwards, they went into the sewers to get the purse back, and ALL WILL DID WAS FLING SEWAGE AT THE DWARF JUGGERNAUT WITH HIS SLING. He's lucky Derrick's a stoic player, and good at playing a stoic dwarf, or else I would've let him kill Will. After they killed the boggle and got the purse back, entrusting Will to give the noble-woman her purse while they searched they layer, WILL POCKETED THE REWARD. Tyler's character saw this, but didn't care so long as he got a share of the reward. They agreed half-and-half, but Will jipped him for only about 1/5th, saying it was half. Then Will hit on the noble-woman some more, got his character laid, and got the noble-woman pregnant. Yeah. Nine months later, he was scheduled for execution, for one, and for two he bribed himself into nobility. So at great expense Trusius became a fake noble and married a noble and had a noble child. I hate Will.

Back to the adventure... The party made it all the way to Terathyll, and were fighting skeletons. Will got tired of the rest of the party "going against him" (they were using common sense... so yeah, I guess that was the opposite of Will), so he decided to take another way in the monastery catacombs alone. He was dropped by a single skeleton, and he guilted me into letting him cry out as he dropped, letting the other party members hear him and come to his rescue.

As you can tell, Will is a terrible player, and we all hate him despite being our friend. He constantly tries to derail campaigns by min-maxing his characters, cheating, and creating LG characters that act CE. We're losing amusement with his antics.:smallannoyed:

I did turn Trusius' relations with the noblewoman to my advantage, though, spawning the next set of adventures out of it.:smallbiggrin:

(Please help with my new campaign setting. I've got the basics and would like help filling it out. http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=112229)

ondonaflash
2009-05-22, 07:54 PM
Okay so my story was a thing my character had done.

We were in an ancient temple now being used to house an evil cult, we were fighting some bad guys, when I, the chaotic neutral Tiefling Rogue, decided to introduce a little chaos.

I wound up grappling a cultist, subduing him, biting him in the neck, and tearing out his throat. Not in the sense of a vampire, or a predator you understand, this was the in game equivalent of a real-life fight, where someone suddenly decides to drop his weapon, grab his opponent and bite his neck out. Picture it.

When I was done my companions were quite shocked, disturbed and nauseated.

23minds
2009-05-25, 12:22 AM
While visiting an underground city of Asherati, our resident paladin (who is on the elderly side) was teasingly asked to keep up with his guide. This drove him to make RUNNING JUMPS down a flight of stairs. He actually pulled it off until the last step, where he tripped over his own feet, flipped in midair, and landed rather hard at the feet of his guide. After he got up and dusted himself off, he tried to regain some dignity by saying, "That is how we always go down stairs in my country." The guide looked at him disdainfully and said, "Yours must be a very stupid country."

Gorgondantess
2009-05-25, 12:55 AM
Ahhh, I had a good one recently.
So, the game just began, and the group had been attacked by swarms of little flying beasties (I homebrew most of my monsters). Anyhow, the mystic theurge/necromancer goes invisible and slips into a room. It's a dead end, and because of his atrocious move silently skill and the beasties' high listen, they follow him. He gets lucky on the last roll, and manages to remain unseen... in a corner of the room, surrounded by hundreds of foot long flying leech things.
Me: "What do you do now?"
Him: "I dunno, what can I do? I'm screwed."
Me: "Listen, you have to do something."
Him: (sarcastically) "I crap my pants"
Me: "Alright, you crap your pants."
Him: Wait, uhhh....
Me: Yeah, you crap your pants. it slips under your robe and falls to the floor. the beasties all look over, and descend upon you (rolls) ripping you to pieces."
Him: "****."
Me: "Precisely.":smallwink:

23minds
2009-05-25, 01:08 AM
We were playing in a gladiatorial game, and one of my friends was a wild mage. We fought ash winders, and he caused one of them to sprout plants all over its body. We spent the rest of the game calling that one 'leafy greens'. He also tried to get the crowd to sing in honor of the mole people. Or chant 'MOLES!'. and then later 'LEAVES!' after two of the ash worms experienced fatalities related to plant growth in unexpected and uncomfortable places, in one cases involving alchemist fire setting their shrubbery alight.

Meirnon
2009-06-01, 09:06 AM
Hmm... It's not VERY funny, but this is the results of our latest session. I was playing my Dwarven Cleric/Warpriest, and we just finished a battle slaying a Yuan-Ti god last session when we left off. The rest of the party went on to the things layer through a pool of acid, and the armored dwarf, the party druid's dire wolverine (sloan), and the ranger's eagle companion (orik) stayed behind. All three of us were minding our own business when the Yuan-Ti constable, purveyor, magistrate, and chaplain came down from upstairs and attacked us. I should mention that we were here a week earlier when the god was summoned to free the sacrifices (the party barbarian's clan, actually), and pretty much slaughtered everyone in attendance, and the Wizard used his staff of fire to burn alot of the place.

So the constable and his men surround me, telling me to surrender and that I'm under arrest. I ask under what charges, and he points incredulously at their slain god's carcass... which is still laying there, and tells me for murder and for burning the place the week before. I tell him I remember no such thing and he starts stuttering. So, my dwarven cleric's surrounded by 4 Yuan-Ti with a CR much higher than his level and quite a few grunts. Then pops in the high-priest who was guiding the ceremony last time but got away thanks to a staff of passage. The DM, Ed, meant for us to fall under arrest and loose all of our loot from this encounter, so he had the high-priest cast wrack on me... what he didn't expect is a +16 will save. Thanks to the dwarven resistance to magic and my already ridiculously high wisdom and base modifiers, I shrugged off what was supposed to incapacitate me. Next round, I hasted (with boots), cast holy sword (domain), and holy smite. The next round, while hasted, I used my strength domain power and whacked the constable three times, totaling around 87 damage. After that, I was having trouble hitting, but I solved that by backing up with a full retreat (and then cast cure crit thanks to haste) behind sloan, who was ripping the faces off of the high-priest by now. The constable charged, fumbled, failed a dex check, and fell face-flat in front of me. I couldn't resist embedding my axe into his head before charging a grunt who was too afraid to do anything. So, by the time the party finished off the 4 or 5 that swam through the acid to meet the rest of the party, me and sloan finished off three high-CR yuan-ti and all but 3 grunts who surrendered... which the party barbarian and his rod of wonder (which causes us nothing but trouble...) subsequently zapped with a lightning bolt. The one survivor was hung on the parapets by his arms by the barbarian to "humiliate him". Me, being the exalted character I am, refused to heal the stupid brute after he killed my prisoners (whom I was going to treat well and perhaps even redeem). Luckily, the DM doesn't really care about exalted feats and their requirements, so I didn't lose them because of my party member's actions. One more reason to kill the Orc, I guess.

KuReshtin
2009-06-02, 03:46 AM
This is a story in a GURPS campaign that I really enjoy.

The group is made up of the following people at the point of the events:

Cage, a very cocky Hunter, massively overconfident
Laney, Witch/mystic on a quest to find out what happened to all the children of her village after the village was poisoned and the children kidnapped. She is the last surviving member of her village (except for the kids)
Cappen (me), ex-thief, out to avenge the the death of his 'father', travellinga round in the guise of a storyteller/bard
Jim, ex(?)-military officer, now living the life of a farmer in the same village that Cage comes from
Sal, mage-killer, roaming the land to find evil mages and killing them, mainly. Taged along with the rest of the group for a bit of fun.


Anyways, we were trying to figure out what had happened to Laney's village and after having reported to the mayor of cage's and Jim's village, we were sent to give this report to the Duke in the capital. On the way, we were also told that we'd find a mage that could help us analyse a few bits and bobs that we'd picked up along the way up to this point.
When we arrived in the village, where the mage was, we found that village totally deserted and no signs of life apart from lights in a few of the mage's tower and a large bonfire in the middle of the village.
We headed to the mage's tower to investigate, and accidentally set off a trap that caused us to jump around in time by a few minutes or hours every time we closed a door behind us.
Before we'd figured that out, the team had been split up into three groups, with Sal and Cappen in one group, Jim and Laney in one and Cage by himself.

Sal and Cappen were trying to find out what happened in the tower's kitchen from the outside since they'd seen movement in the kitchen, and had figured that they couldn't go in through the door to check it or they'd be shifted to sometime else, so they found a ladder and with Sal steadying the ladder at ground level, Cappen climbed up and looked in through the window. In the kitchen, he could see a woman that he'd not seen before, pottering around, looking as if she was cooking. Since she was the only sign of life they'd seen since they got to the village, he tried to get her attention by knocking on the window, but she didn't seem to hear it at all. He started hitting the window even harder but to no avail. She didn't even acknowledge him.
Then he saw her pick up a cat and seemed to talk to it and pet it a bit, and all of a sudden, the cat turns it's head and looks straight at Cappen and it's eyes go a bright demonic red and it starts to hiss.
At this point, the DM asks me to roll a fright check, as Cappen's not prepared at all for this, and I fail miserably with the save against the fright check.
This has the effect that involuntarily, Cappen takes a step back from where he's standing.
On a ladder.
Two stories up.
With his buddy directly beneath him holding the ladder.

We ended up with Sal dislocating his shoulder from having Cappen come tumbling down the ladder and not being able to get out of the way in time, while cappen dislocated his knee and could barely walk.

of course, being adventurers as they were, they couldn't tell their friends that they were injured from Cappen falling down a ladder, so after the whole group had managed to reassemble again, and Cage had told a tale about him fighting a big demon cat, I thought up a story on the fly describing how Capen and Sal had been injured fighting a similar demon cat and got injured during the fight, but we'd still been able to drive him off.
Since everyone else had been in the room and heard what had atually happened, they enjoyed my story a whole lot as it was definitely within character of my guy to tell stories.
Well, everyone except the guy playing Cage liked it. He decided to prove me wrong instead, up until the time the DM reminded him that he wasn't actually there (or indeed then) when it happened, so for all he knew, the story was the truth.

Extra_Crispy
2009-06-02, 04:58 AM
I have a few stories but 2 come to mind right now.

A friend of mine ALWAYS played a dwarf, only recently has he branced out to play other things like a half orc. Anyway, I was running a AD&D session a long time ago and looking over the character sheets I noticed that the dwarf bought a 10lb block of butter. I asked him why and he said that you never know when it would come in handy. Needless to say later in the adventure when the giant crab attacked them near an underground lake, the butter came in handy.

In a different adventure I was running, same guy playing a different dwarf, but still bought the 10lb block of butter. The party was set to defend a village from a huge horde of Kobolds that were on their way to raid. They got the whole town into the inn and then placed some walls of force around the inn to protect it. Everyone decided to get on top of the inn and shoot arrows or spells at the army to thin the ranks, all except the dwarven fighter as he refused to use a bow. He stood to the side of the inn on the ground thinking that he would just kill kobolds by the truck load. Everything was going good for him untill the Kobolds got so numerous that they basically tidal waved over him and bore him down, they were about to drag him away and there was nothing he could do. One of the other players had prepared a few arrows with conduit (I think that was the spell name), this spell allows you to place another spell into an item that stays untill the item is used, distroyed, etc. The other spell, fireball. Knowing the dwarf had a ring of fire resistance and LOTS of hp, he shot the dwarf with the arrow, causing the fireball to go off and kill all the Kobolds around the dwarf, and hurt the dwarf as he failed his reflex save (he was basically held and did not get a save) but just bairly hurt him. As were the rules in that edition since he failed his save all his items had to save also or be destroyed. I think he lost a potion or two, and of course heat and 10lbs of butter dont mix. The butter melted and covered the dwarf, causing him to not be able to stand up anymore let alone attack, but also not allowing the Kobolds to grab him and carry him away.

OverdrivePrime
2009-06-02, 06:49 AM
So the constable and his men surround me, telling me to surrender and that I'm under arrest. I ask under what charges, and he points incredulously at their slain god's carcass... which is still laying there, and tells me for murder and for burning the place the week before. I tell him I remember no such thing and he starts stuttering.

Wait, you and your crew just committed deicide and these crazy Yuan-ti politicos wanted to arrest you? I would have politely reminded them that someone capable of deicide is just as easily capable of genocide. Either way, that's hilarious in itself.

Meirnon
2009-06-02, 08:05 AM
Wait, you and your crew just committed deicide and these crazy Yuan-ti politicos wanted to arrest you? I would have politely reminded them that someone capable of deicide is just as easily capable of genocide. Either way, that's hilarious in itself.

Heehee... Artifacts are fun like that.:smallbiggrin:

Meirnon
2009-07-17, 09:46 PM
So I'm playing a halfling rogue (again), in a no/low-magic campaign where you're lucky to get 1 mwk item even at level 9. Anyways...

There's the two dwarves, a man that's actually a woman, a crazy old man who happens to be a wizard, and me, along with an NPC band of mercenaries. The party isn't really friends... in fact, only the dwarves have any long-standing relationship with eachother. One, named Ebert, is extremely stupid and can't speak common. The other more reasonable one, Einkil, has pretty much given up on Ebert, especially as a translator. An example, is this conversation with a travelling bard.

Ebert (In dwarven): Hey, you're one of them ******y types, right?
Einkil: You suck [censored]?
Bard: Wha- what?
Einkil: He said, you suck [censored]?
Bard: What kind of question is that?
Ebert: God, what a flaming queer. He's a queer, right?
Einkil: Yea, I guess so.
Ebert: *punches bard*

When I went to talk to Ebert to try to get him to come with us and the band of mercenaries (that he already didn't like), here's how it went....

Mylo (me): Heya, you two are dwarves, ri-
Einkil: I wouldn't talk to him... he's in a foul mood. He's always in a foul mood. All he ever does is drink and kill stuff. I hate being his translator, cause one way or another it just ends up in me telling someone they're gonna die.
Mylo: Bu-
Einkil: Look... Just leave, because this isn't gonna end up well, and none of us are going to like the results. Not me, not you... well, maybe Ebert. I think it's because his wife left him a long time ago that he's always so moody.
Ebert: What's he saying?
Einkil: Shut up. I told you that you needed to learn to speak the language of the humans, because that's what everyone else speaks. But no, you decided to stay and drink.
Ebert: Oh, good. I thought you were telling him that story of "my wife leaving me again".

Anyways, this is pretty much the entire session. Sure, it mostly seems like nonsense, but it actually gets us somewhere, and we're all in pain from the laughing.


Anyways, don't cry thread necro please, cause it's so close to the necro marker and this just happened recently... :smallfrown: besides, there's tons of stories to be said, and looking through this brings a big smile and often a chuckle to players.

Ricky S
2009-07-17, 10:42 PM
Our party was meant to rescue an old man from a mansion. So we rush in killing bad guys left right and centre, when we get into the room with the old man we were meant to rescue, the assassin tripped stabbed his torch into the old man igniting him. The old man proceeds to run out of the room and sets the rest of the house on fire before dying while screaming at the top of his lungs. This of course alerts the city guard who rush into the house. So the wizard has the bright idea of escaping by the roof. We make our way to the top. To escape, the wizard casts fly, myself (a cleric of fharlaghn) casts fly, the assassin dimension doors down and the warrior stands there with no way to get down. The wizard pushes him off the 4 storey building. Not only does he surivive the fall with no damage but he kills 3 peasants and covered in blood runs past the city guard who just stand there shocked as the little fat dwarf runs past. The assassin lands in the middle of a group of guards rolls a 1 for his bluff save and is promptly arrested.

Andre Fairchilde
2009-07-17, 10:54 PM
Anyways, don't cry thread necro please, cause it's so close to the necro marker and this just happened recently... :smallfrown: besides, there's tons of stories to be said, and looking through this brings a big smile and often a chuckle to players.

I'd never cry thread necro, I LOVE these stories!:smalltongue:

Meirnon
2009-07-17, 11:26 PM
I'd never cry thread necro, I LOVE these stories!:smalltongue:

I do, too, which is why I dun want this to get locked just cause it got shuffled under the doormat.

***EDIT***
I think I can hear the broom going to work on it right now:smallfrown:

Extra_Crispy
2009-07-18, 01:01 AM
Sorry not a D&D story but as one of my favorite card games when Legend of the 5 rings became a RPG also grabbed up the book and started a game right away. Others have GMed it but I have done it the most. Anyway I have 2 stories from L5R. L5R is a d10 based game. You roll d10's equal to the revelant trait (str, reflexes ect) plus the skill keeping the # of dice equal to your trait. If you roll a 10 you roll it again and add it to the ten, tens keep exploding as long as you keep rolling them.

The first adventure I ran, right after it became a RPG was full of mistakes and stupid but funny situations. At one point the party was below ground fighting some Ogres that were near a obsidian alter. On the alter was a sword that, after killing the ogres, flew up and animated one of the ogre bodies, which proceded to fight them again. After chopping the ogre to tiny little bits so it could not get back up the party watched in horror as the sword went to the other ogre and animated it. They were very hurt and did not know what to do to stop the sword. So one player decided to attack the solid obsidian alter with his katana.

Pl- What is the target number to hit the alter
me- its an alter tn 5
Pl - ok 3 raises for damage
I had another player watch his damage roll while I delt with the others and the ogre. I looked up to see the other player slack jawed/
Me- so what is your damage
Pl- 134. (that was on only keep 4 dice)
I rulled that he actually chipped the alter but also broke his sword and his wrists. Later after so other incredible rolling by the sugenja player the sun goddess came down and cleaned the area out for them, melting the bad sword. Everyone else that was alive ran, he stood there looking at his broken sword, his family sword. The sun goddess came over and told him he had to run.
Pl - (looking up at her with this very sad puppy dog look) I broke my sword.
We laughed so hard we cried.

Much later when 3rd ed came out for L5R I was running a game with 6 people one of which was from the Tsuruchi clan (spelling is off) I clan of bowmen that are known to be some of the greatest bowmen in all the lands. He was scouting ahead of the rest of the party and ran into some bandits. To warn the party he pulled a humming bulb arrow, a arrow that whistles. It actually has a damage rating on it but minimal amouts, it is a 0k1 (with strength he and special abilities he was rolling 3 dice keeping only 1). Instead of launching it into the air to raise the alarm he shot it at one of the bandits. After watching him roll a total of over 40 damage on 1 dice everyone started calling him the humming bulb killer. In that game he ended up doing that same stunt multiple times, killing about 5 different people.

Lord Loss
2009-07-18, 07:44 AM
The PCs were in a zombie infested town, when, at the beginning of the second encounter, they found a huge pile barrels in a zombie covered oxcart. After killing the zombies , the party (a half-dragon (a green, but he wanted to spit fire so I let him have a fire breath weapon), a Paladin, and a Shadowcaster) stood beside them. The paladin was about to open them when:

The half dragon, scared that they contain a zombie, uses his breath weapon on them. 12+ Huge explosions. TPK

ebs2323
2009-08-10, 12:48 AM
one of my players is a packrat, and on one of our first adventurses my players went through a traped hallway so i put some dead rotting corpses as a warning. they ignored them so my packrat players grabs the the bodys (who happens to have the gnome cleric in his backpackt becuse his player couldn't make it) and throws them ahead to try and trigger traps which it did. he keep them and uses them to test for traps. still has the cleric too...

Malachite_Drago
2009-08-21, 05:54 PM
"I thrust my bloody junk into his face and scream "HELP MEEEEE!"

OH... OH GOD.:smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin: :smallbiggrin:
Oh my god I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING AT THIS. I can see it so easily in my head! oh cripes... My sides hurt...

Oooh....

Ok, I think I can breathe now...

Ok... Yeah, I'm good. :smallbiggrin:

Ahem. Unfortunately I"ve never played a D&D or other tabletop RPG myself; I deeply want to, though. My dad has plenty of stories of his own, though, so I'll just post those 'til I can post a few of my own :P Most of them aren't D&D, though, but I'll post those in the other 'funny RPG stories' section since this one is specifically D&D as far as I can tell.

Now, if I recall correctly...
My dad had a wizard who had just learned Dark Lightning (Some gambit that required him to become Death's assistant. It's complicated and he doesn't remember all the details. Said wizard later got sent through a time warp and became a freaking DRAGON, but that's another story.)
Now, their DM had a habit of giving them these magical items at the end of every quest, but they had to find out for themselves what it was the item did. So one guy gets an enchanted staff! Decides to ditch his old one since he uses staffs primarily anyway, and on they merily go.

A BEAST APPEARS! A bear of some sort, my memory is a little fuzzy, but the man with the staff gets the first round. He runs up to it and starts beating on it with the staff... but for some reason it isn't working...
Every time he hits the bear it keeps getting bigger...
and stronger...
and healthier...

Turns out it was a HEALING STAFF
Cue whole party "OH S***! *ESCAPE*"

_______________
Just got through reading the thread so I retract what I said earlier about only being able to post D&D stories! WOO! MY REPERTIORE IS OPEN!

Now, a few of my favorites.

It's a game of Battletech, my dad is in his beloved Battlemaster. He loves the thing to death to this day; The rear-facing laser in the back saved his *** more then once. Only modification he made to it was to replace the SRM-8 with an LRM-10. (Reasonably sure the rear-facing Medium Lasers come standard... Correct me if I'm wrong please, I've never played it myself! I already have my own custom Hatchetman all rolled up but that's neither here nor there.)

Now, if I recall the mission correctly... The DM had in mind for them to get out of their mechs, sneak into the facility, crack into a safe containing something or other (He told me this story when I was like 9 years ago, you're lucky I remember what kind of mech he used) and then sneak out within a certain time limit or else a nuclear explosion would wipe everyone out.

Now, my dad (and I, having inherited this talent) has a thing for... lateral thinking, shall we say.

His two companions get out of their mechs, look up at him, "You comin'?"
"Nope!"
Proceeds to run in his mech into the compound, smashes the mech's hand through the building, PICKS UP THE SAFE (and most of the room it was in), and hauls *** to the extraction point like a football player making a streak to the endzone.

Mission Complete :smallbiggrin:

Another common occurance in my dad's Battlemaster; he affectionately called his LRM-10 his Magic Missile.
Why, you may wonder?
Well, he had this talent (which sadly I did not inherit) for rolling natural 20's exactly when he needed them.
The Magic Missile breaks down like this:
He fires his missiles at an enemy 'mech... Lets say a Mad Cat. Hulking bruisers, twin PPCs (Particle Projection Cannons) in the arms, machine guns and missiles out the arse... Nasty business if you didn't know what you were doing.

My dad unloads a bunch of LRM's at the thing; for the sake of narrative, lets say that one connects.
He rolls for damage, comes up natural 20. (I could be wrong again, I don't know the mechanics, but I know how it ends even if I dont know how.)

The missile pierces every scrap of the Mad Cat's chest armor and explodes its Fusion Engine.
KABOOM!
And a one-hit kill for my dad.

He got a bit of a talking to after it happened the third time... :smallbiggrin:

Zephykinns
2009-09-20, 08:22 PM
Okay, so our party comes up to a bridge that crosses a chasm. We all look and I (The local shadow dancing ninja) discover that the planks for the bridge are too weak for anyone to cross. So we all decide to try going across the ropes. I made it just fine. As we got to our less nimble party members, our Bard decides to give it a try. She makes it about half way until a gust of wind knocks her off. Our fighter, clad in full plate and tower shield, ties a rope across himself and jumps off the cliff. He activates his ring of feather fall and he glides like a flying squirrel, catches the bard, and held on until our barbarian could pull them up. I, both in and out of character, couldn't stop laughing.

Belkarsbadside1
2009-09-20, 10:09 PM
I am a DM in a low level 3.5 campaign and one of my players is playing a hobo ex adventurer binder. Some of the things he's done

Interrupt an angry ranting god to tell her that her speech is very "generic" and should be spiced up. The god mind raped him in responce.

Claims to have graduated from hobo university and his tinfoil hat is his diploma. He has created his backstory based around this and we're about to delve into this in my game.

He has also swam through rivers of sewage to invade a thieves guild.

He has also manged to get the vestige of fochalor(I believe that is him) pissed off at him by summoning him with said mentioned sewer water.

I have another player in a different game who was a ranger. This is what he did whenever he encountered a door.

Me: You find a wooden door

Him: I sense motive on it.

Me: Huh? Why?

Him: I need to know if that door is really a door or not. It could be lying and be a window or not open into a room.

He took favored enemy (door) and has believed in the elemental plane of doors.

Lioness
2009-09-21, 04:28 AM
I can only remember two funny stories, but I promise more after our next session.

The first one is definitive proof that the dice Gods do exist, and that they have an epic sense of humour.
Our cleric was casting a spell he didn't have enough dice for, so he asks around the table, 'Hey, guys, can I borrow some D6?'
Naturally, we all rush to assure him that he should use our dice, because they are better than everyone else's. Then the DM leans over and says, 'Look, you should really use my dice, they always roll well. See?'

The DM then proceeds to roll 5 dice, with the result: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1.
A 1/46656 chance, if my maths is correct (which is probably isn't)

The next story also involves the cleric. We were in a ship, and our ship had been attacked by something, I forget what. So anyway, the Cleric is fighting, and it grapples him and throws him into a door.

DM: 'Congratulations Himel, you just broke down the door of the [extremely self-assured] female first mate and crew member (there were two of them)'
'They are just waking up from their sleep - you woke them up - and are looking very angry' (This isn't the first time he's *cough* annoyed them.)

Himel: I make a spot check.

DM: 'Oh, sorry, you fail. You see nothing at all. And now the girls are even angrier.'

Oh, and one more I forgot until just then. Not funny as such, but fun to play.

DM decided he would put our skills into perspective, so he put our 4 level 7 characters (Wizard, Ninja, Ranger, Duskblade) against 50 peasants. It took...2 rounds? And only because the peasants kept gathering around my friends, so I couldn't fireball them.
Still, I took out 27.

Katana_Geldar
2009-09-21, 05:16 AM
I haven't played D&D either, but I do have a few SW ones and ones from a friend.

I'll throw in the D&D ones, as the SW ones are rather few as I have just started.

My friend had this Barbarian named Hacker who was extremely suspicious of magic. The Wizard had fallen down a hole and was unconcious and hacker went to go and get him. Down the hole, Hacker saw the spellbook and realised this is where magic comes from. He leaves the book down the hole and climbs up with the wizard. Then, he throws down a torch....

Another one he told me was when he was DMing and the party had somehow captured the High Priest of Orcus and teleported out of the Temple to some other area, yet another member of the party was left behind.
The High Priest's soul was switched with one of the characters, but before it could happen the High Priest called out to Orcus to help him. My friend explained to me that there's a one on five chance of Orcus showing up, probably on a Natural 20 (I don't know the details).
The ritual was complete, the party teleported out leaving behind the body of the party member with the High Priest's soul inside. One round later, Orcus shows up, doesn't recognise his High Priest and annihilates him.
One round later, the missing party member teleports in, right where Orcus is. Orcus takes him...where he generally goes.

Best thing about it? It all resided on the dice, not the plot.

Trobby
2009-09-22, 10:35 PM
Okay, I have a few stories to share, and I know not everyone is going to want to read each one. So for ease of reading, I'm putting each one in a spoiler tag and giving it a name.


First, to properly enjoy this story, you need to know a few things.

1. This was my first DnD campaign ever, so I had no idea what to expect.

2. Our party consisted of the following characters:

*A female paladin with a fairly large knife in her chest from the very first battle ever had (one that I unfortunately missed)
*A Samurai (Samurai class and everything) who would, eventually, commit seppuku when he could not defend his homeland. (A sad tale, but not one I will list here.)
*A Gnomish Rogue, who my own character hated intensely for doing my job far, far better than I ever could
*A sorcerer, who would eventually become plot-relevant
*A dwarven Cleric, complete with beer-soaked beard
*Me, a halfling rogue with way too much confidence

Our first session involved raiding a bandit camp to save a girl who may or may not have been the mayor's daughter (and who would become the cohort for our Paladin). Then we headed South, and along the way, were attacked by a raiding party of goblins. There were very typical goblins and, by all accounts, we should have mopped the floor with them.

Our Paladin could not hit a goblin to save her life, and I couldn't even get close enough to attack any of them. The DM saw that we were going to die if he let them actually flank our party, so rather than let this happen, he made the goblins very, very stupid. These goblins, you see, were wielding weapons designed for medium-sized creatures, and coming at us through a passage that was just big enough for a goblin, but not big enough for them AND their large weapons.

The goblins, like raccoons trying to get honey out of a log, would not lower their weapons, and proceeded to clumbsly amble towards us.

But we were still losing, literally rolling natural 1s over and over, stumbling over each other like fools.

And then a rock came down, out of nowhere, and crushed half the goblins.

The diety of our cleric, St. Cuthberg, spoke directly to us.

DM (St. Cuthberg): You have a great destiny to uphold, but while I was looking down upon my cleric, I realized that you all suck! So I had to help you beat these puny goblins. I hope you're happy.

And that is how our DM had to bail us out on a random encounter, that we, by all rights, should've won easily.

Oh, and my Halfling was at negative HP by the end of the fight. This was the second time this had happened during the campaign. Keep this in mind.




Now, our party needed Adamantium from the South because, through an NPC, it was revealed that we would need some to fight the golems our sorcerer's evil twin brother was making. The dwarves who had the Adamantium minds informed us that the caves were infested with snakes, so naturally, we ran in and cleared out the caves (well, THEY cleared out the caves. My 20ft movement rate kept me firmly in the back of the party, doing bugger all). Afterwards, there was a conflict over whether or not we would get the Adamantium, and this exchange occured.

DM (Dwarf King): I'm sorry, we just cannah' give ye' tha' adamantium.
Paladin: In that case, I challenge your weakest warrior to a duel!
Gnome: I accept the challenge!
DM (Dwarf King): Uh...very well! Your Gnome will fight our weakest warrior!

After much confusion, and drawing of a circle, our Gnome went toe-to-toe with essentially the Dwarven equivalent of a book worm. With the house rules in play, every failed hit allowed a fighter to make a counter-attack. This was an unarmed battle, and the opponent made a lot of AoOs because she (Yes, she) had Imp. Unarmed Strike, and our Gnome did not. Much cheering ensued, and eventually, both fighters managed to knock each other out. Then the Dwarf King approached us.

DM (Dwarf King): Well lads...I must admit...that is easily the sissiest fight I have e'er seen. Me lads will be laughin' at tha' one fer' weeks. But I cannah' in my right mind give ye' all this Adamantium. So, we're gonna get ourselves reeeeally really drunk, and THEN I'll give it to 'ya.

And after a drunken night of Dwarf Partying, during which our Gnome may or may not have had a one-night stand with the same Dwarf, we left with our metal to find smiths who could shape it into weapons. (I'm...not exactly sure why the Dwarfs couldn't do it, but for some reason, the Paladin insisted that we go to some random island on the map)




It occurs to me that I forgot to mention our Wizard. We had one, and he had a Tower Shield. An Animated Tower Shield. That he would use to fly overhead and drop alchemic fire on our enemies. And he would use Ghost Sounds to make it sound like a flatulent dragon was invading the bandit camp. Yeah...he's that kind of player. No, it doesn't have much to do with this story. But I feel I should mention him, if only for completion sake.

Okay, so on this island, we find that the place we were going to has been invaded by Drow, totally taken over. Breaking through their defenses (and my rogue entirely missing the one session where he could've helped disarm some traps), we find ourselves outside of a human battle camp. We need to find out what's going on, so they send my rogue out to investigate.

I'm very new at this, remember. And I don't always make the smartest of choices.

So...this happens.

Me: Okay, I sneak into the camp and find the tent with the most official-looking people.
DM: You mean the Generals?
Me: Er...yea, let's go with that.
DM: Okay, you find their tent. They're discussing battle tactics and-
Me: I knock.
DM: ...What?
Me: I knock on the tent door.
Paladin Player: What, do you just knock on the tent flap?
Me: No I...I knock on the wooden part.
DM: You're knocking, in the middle of a Battle Camp?
Me: Yeah, what's wrong with that?
DM: ...*Sigh* Okay, everyone inside turns around and spots you. The General yells out "SPY!", and you are descended upon by everybody in the tent.
Me: Oh...er...do I-
DM: You're completely dead, a bloody spot in the corner of the tent.
Paladin Player: ...Ouch, man.

So, lesson learned. Never try to knock on the door to a battle tent. <.<;




My next character was a bit more creative...I rolled some pretty good stats, so I figured I'd give a neglected race a chance: A half-Orc. But not just any half-orc, a Half-Orc Monk! Strong as an Ox, Fast as a Steed, Wise as an Owl...

And an intelligence of 6.

Yeeah...so they told us to go into the nearby encampment where a Drow Sorceress was keeping dangerous magical beasts (Or something...), and we went into the first room, and fought some skeletons. By then, our Gnome Rogue had left us, and had been replaced by a Warmage. So then...

Warmage: Okay, I search the nearby desk.
DM: Hmm...you find inside a few gold coins and a big brass key.
Warmage: *Pockets the coins for herself* Hey, I found this key! Maybe it'll open the other door!
Paladin: Well...let's give it to Gesan. He's pretty tough. If there's anything on the other side, he can take the first hit.
Warmage: Okay. *Giving Gesan the Key* Now Gesan, I want you to go and open that door.
Gesan: *nods* Okay. GESAN SMASH!!
Paladin: No, wait!
*Roll- Natural 20*
DM: ...Um....okay, so the door shatters into splinters. Way to go.
Paladin: B-But...but we had a key...and...and that key was probably to open that door...and...and now we'll never know if...aaaaugh!

From then on, they made sure to give me the key, and to make me USE the key when entering a door.


Gesan went on to become a half-orc who could sing. Yes, you heard me. The Monk class has Perform as a class ability, and my Half-Orc monk learned to sing. Pretty damn well, too. :smallbiggrin:

And that is why my first campaign in DnD was the best campaign ever.

GallóglachMaxim
2009-09-25, 06:05 AM
Two stories about the Burning Hands spell, and the odd consequences of using it.

In the game I DM online, party is clearing off Assassin Vines that attacked their boat

Cleric: Ok, one left. Burning Hands! -fwoosh-
Me: Alright then -rolls for the obvious consequence- yep, you set the boat on fire.
Cleric: Awww
Everyone else: Damnit!
Sorcerer: -runs to get a bucket to put out the fire-
Cleric: No, I'll handle this -create water, dumped onto deck fire-
Me: -more bad outcome rolls- Well, you put out the fire, unfortunately dumping sixteen gallons of water onto the already fire-damaged deck has smashed a hole in it.
Everyone else: -considers throwing cleric overboard-

From one of the games I played in, we have just climbed out of a cyclops' larder, and our fighter decided to go all 'nobody attacked me' on our host and stab him in the eye.

DM: The cyclops, blind, is groping around the cave searching for you.
Cleric: -fwoosh-
DM: The cyclops' loincloth has caught fire. He tries to beat it out -rolls- looks concerned -rolls- ok...the cyclops has just punched himself in the crotch to death!

Katana_Geldar
2009-09-25, 06:19 AM
Heh, heh, heh. Setting things on fire is fun when I'm behind the screen, as fire is so unpredictable and can do whatever I like.

One of my players in the Star Wars saga has a flamethrower, that I am tossing up between taking it off him or lettng him have it as it is rather funny.

One time, he fired it at a protocol droid that happened to be on a ship they were searching.
Me: The droid catches on fire, running back and forward screaming "Help! Help! Help!"
Another player: I grab the blanket from the bed and throw it over the droid.
Me: The droid falls but the blanket is synthetic, melting and sticking to the droid.

And then there was the time he tried to disembowel a dead PC in the middle of the forest. Naturally, this attracted the attention of animals. Naturally, he used his flamethrower. And naturally, I quoted Smokey the Bear.
He had to get the astromech droid to put the fire out for him.

Lioness
2009-09-26, 06:25 AM
Two stories about the Burning Hands spell, and the odd consequences of using it.

In the game I DM online, party is clearing off Assassin Vines that attacked their boat

Cleric: Ok, one left. Burning Hands! -fwoosh-
Me: Alright then -rolls for the obvious consequence- yep, you set the boat on fire.
Cleric: Awww
Everyone else: Damnit!
Sorcerer: -runs to get a bucket to put out the fire-
Cleric: No, I'll handle this -create water, dumped onto deck fire-
Me: -more bad outcome rolls- Well, you put out the fire, unfortunately dumping sixteen gallons of water onto the already fire-damaged deck has smashed a hole in it.
Everyone else: -considers throwing cleric overboard-



Are you by any chance playing the Savage Tides campaign?

Because the exact same thing happened to us, but they were everywhere. I, the slightly insane wizard, cast fireball. It kills them, and also sets the boat on fire. Before it could do damage, I create water. It put the fire out, but our DM was feeling nice and didn't put a hole in the ship.
Our ship is now damaged beyond immediate repair anyway, thanks to a failed sailing check and a reef.

GallóglachMaxim
2009-09-26, 07:20 AM
Are you by any chance playing the Savage Tides campaign?

Because the exact same thing happened to us, but they were everywhere. I, the slightly insane wizard, cast fireball. It kills them, and also sets the boat on fire. Before it could do damage, I create water. It put the fire out, but our DM was feeling nice and didn't put a hole in the ship.
Our ship is now damaged beyond immediate repair anyway, thanks to a failed sailing check and a reef.

Nope, it's a homebrew campaign, but I've been known to have ideas that turn out to be things I read of somewhere else and forgot about. Although even if that wasn't what happened here, it's a really weird coincidence.

And I wasn't meaning to be mean, I looked up how much the water she dumped on the deck weighed (128lb, as it was) and figured it was worth rolling to see it that damaged the boat.

Lioness
2009-09-26, 07:32 AM
Nope, it's a homebrew campaign, but I've been known to have ideas that turn out to be things I read of somewhere else and forgot about. Although even if that wasn't what happened here, it's a really weird coincidence.

And I wasn't meaning to be mean, I looked up how much the water she dumped on the deck weighed (128lb, as it was) and figured it was worth rolling to see it that damaged the boat.

Ok then.

With the water...eve if he had decided it would break the ship, I probably would've modified my 'I dump water on the ship' to 'I dump just enough water to put the flames out, spread over a wide enough area so as to not break anything big'

He doesn't like it when I do that.

GallóglachMaxim
2009-09-26, 07:35 AM
With the water...eve if he had decided it would break the ship, I probably would've modified my 'I dump water on the ship' to 'I dump just enough water to put the flames out, spread over a wide enough area so as to not break anything big'

Well you must be a lot more sensible than our cleric, maximum amount of water on the two squares with fire in them, I did ask, just in case.

daggaz
2009-09-26, 07:49 AM
DM: Make a survival check.
New Player: But I'm still alive!

Thats hil-lar-i-ous! :smallbiggrin:

Lioness
2009-09-26, 07:54 AM
Well you must be a lot more sensible than our cleric, maximum amount of water on the two squares with fire in them, I did ask, just in case.

I'm a very cautious newbie. I don't want to die again. Or break the campaign, which I almost did. It's related to losing our ship.

DM: Sable, would you do me a favour and write down all of the items you had stored on the ship? Then give the piece of paper to me.

A couple of sessions later...

DM: Oh, by the way guys, you know that list you gave me...it's all sunk. I hope you didn't leave anything important on there.

Me: Errr...the golden bat statue we found a while ago isn't important is it???

DM: *speechless*

...You realise you just broke the campaign, don't you? That was a crucial plot item!!!

Me: Well, you could've told us! Umm...err...

*Ranger puts on cloak of Manta Ray and dives to the ship to collect our lost treasure*

cn69
2009-10-03, 02:14 AM
In my current 3.5 campaign I'm DMing, which started late last year.

JD, playing a rather snoopy bard: Okay, the half-orc's looking pretty thrifty, time to pick a couple pockets.

Me: Alright, make your checks.

(I pause as he goes to roll the dice)

Me: Just bear in mind all his things are tied under his loincloth. Do you want to risk grabbing onto any... undesirables?

JD: ....

Me: So, moving on....

(No one has dared look under the cloth since, I might add)

Katana_Geldar
2009-10-03, 06:39 AM
Ended up tied to my horse today as I was mentally impaired. And suffered two hits from my fellow party members on their natural 1's. Grrr.

TheConundrum
2009-10-29, 01:44 PM
In a homebrewed campaign that my friend, Andrew, came up with we have 3 players. Andrew decided that we each need to play 2 characters (not fun, but whatever). 9th Level campaign

We fight high end monsters for low xp but lots of money. AKA - Andrew the GM spoils us by giving us have more money than we should but pumping up the monsters to the point where we SERIOUSLY have to use everything we have.

Me
- Human Fighter (Drarin "The Fizzler") - +1 Adamantine Spiked Chain of Frost with +1 Spiked Full Plate studded with +1 Defending Flaming Armor Spikes. He also has a Gold Dragon Hide Tower Shield that he had made from skinning a previously slain Gold Dragon.
Tactics - Enlarge Person + Bull's Strength (from a Ring of Spell Storing that was stolen by my Gnome) Stand 15 Ft away and wail away and baddies. If a wizard comes into play, I drop the chain, pull out the Tower Shield pile Combat Expertise and knock his punk a** down. On my next action I grapple with him and ignite my Armor Spikes
- Gnome Illusionist (The Conundrum) - Lawful Evil, Old Gnome with a +6 Headband of Intellect that I stole from a Wizard Lich that is a reoccurring baddy (The human fighter wrestled his punk a** and disarmed his helmet, necklace, and gloves at the cost of taking a lot of damage) and decked out with Illusionist Variants from the UE and Races of Stone. +3 Illusions per spell level per day, 31 Intelligence due to him starting out as an OLD character and taking a dip into a colorful pond that either raised abilities or lowered them (I got +3 to intelligence mmmmmmm) this Old Gnome likes long walks on the beach and spending his calm afternoons trapping fools in portable holes with well placed Illusionary Walls.

Keenan
- Half Orc Barbarian (Conan the Muscle)- +1 Greatsword of Speed (we stole from the King of Whatever-Land-We-Were-Playing (I forgot the name)
- Half Orc Barbarian (He-Man of Grayskull)- This is the time you say - "TWO HALF ORC BARBARIANS AND A CHAIN FIGHTER?!?!?!!!!" Who is an accidental clone that was created on a previous expedition. He is identical to Conan in every way except personality. He is insane. (He is possessed by the spirit of Keenan's last character, who was a LE Monk that was Energy Drained to death by Vampires. For being a devout follower of his Deity he was saved from Vampirism, and was instead changed into a possessing spirit. Conan was captured shortly afterwards and used in a Gnome Vampire's Cloning Device to try and create an army of Evil Barbarians of WTF all of which he would turn into vampires. In short, we stopped him, and the Monk returned to Possess one of the Barbarian Clones.

Kyle
- Rogue ***** - Generally a useless character who has only come in handy in town when he steals things. Even then, he usually gets caught and imprisoned.
- CoDzilla - Andrew knows of CoDzilla, but allowed its use. And has thoroughly been punishing us for it.

For all who WILL argue with me about the Lich take down-
I used Clairvoyance to look on the other side of a door and saw a Lich creating a Bone Golem. I casted Invisiblity on myself and the whole party rushed through the door in a shouting fury of LOL TIME TO DIE!!!!!!!!
They all hit a Wall of Force spanning from north wall to south wall. The invisible old gnome walked to the south wall and prepared to cast Persistent Image.

After a thorough verbal taunting, the Lich dropped the wall of force. Momentarily afterwards I dropped an illusion of a Steel 10x10x10 box around the Lich so his Line of Effect/Line of Sight was blocked.
The Barbarians charged and got into position, the Rogue went to flanking position, and the other cleric positioned himself about 20 ft from the Illusionary Box.

When we were all in position, I dropped the box to find, to our dismay, an empty 10 ft square with a Delayed Blast Fireball waiting for us.
Gnome rolled a 20 Initiative and put up an Illusionary Wall where the Wall of Force WAS to hopefully make the Lich think he was trapped in that little area. The Cleric was next and did Invisiblity Purge and found the Lich trying to make a run for a Lever to animate his precious Bone Golem.

Barbarians Charge, do a little bashing, Chain Fighter Grapples and Disarms (we get an amulet and his helmet).
After a few rounds of us taking and dealing damage, the Lich teleport saway (obviously pissed at how we dealt with him)

Of COURSE the DM played the Lich wrongly by allowing him to be put on the defensive and not having all his defensive buffs ready (mostly because the Lich had NOOOOO idea we were coming... "YAH RIGHT". But he learned his lesson.

FINAL START TO THE STORY
I have made it my personal goal to break every campaign that has been created. The Amulet that we disarmed from the lich was his phylactery. The gnome guessed that and had telepathically communicated this to his Fighter Buddy (it had skulls and was generally giving off an EVVVILLLLL aura... As to why a Lich would walk around with his Phylactery.... apparently later in the Campaign it made a difference that it was a amulet, but I wasn't paying attention... It was disarmed as an attack of opportunity as the Lich made it out of the grapple, and was making a run to where he could safely use his Teleport. SO LOL)

I used the Phylactery to enslave this Lich. I hired another wizard to cast a few spells for me, but in short- I made it so that in the event of me crushing a certain Ceramic Globe (held in an Unbreakable Vial that would shatter on my command alone) the Phylactery would fall from its resting place into a volcano, that we recently discovered while battling the Gold Dragon.

On our most recent campaign, that Andrew had to completely write on his own after spending months creating our Lich battle, I enslaved a Female Red Dragon. I did this by kidnapping 3 of its babies and organizing a way to have them killed if it did not do as I say (it's complicated). We killed the father in a grueling battle and used its skin as armor, head as a trophy, and made dragon teeth/claw weapons.

I used these two allies to attack the King of Whatever-Land-We-Were-Playing's keep in the dead of night. (I had to slay a certain Lawful Good Cleric CoDzilla in his sleep to get the right to do so). After a well orchestrated attack, the city was currently at war and had most of its army positioned on the front lines, we quickly took control of the keep and held the king for ransom against his allies. Now, with the king of a powerful nation under foot, the command of a Red Dragon trying to keep it's babies alive and a Lich, our campaign is spiraling entirely out of control so fast that Andrew the GM has no way to keep up with.

<3 Campaign Breaking with a level 9 Gnome Illusionist

ficedude12
2009-11-07, 03:12 AM
Let's see... the DM had us on a ship, being attacked by pirates. The barbarian in the group decided to pull his great sword and two-hand it. He goes to attack and rolls a 1... he throws it overboard. On his next turn, he pulls his long sword and rolls ANOTHER 1!! Throws another overboard... Sadly, the DM was merciful and he got both swords back...

Well, next session, he does THE EXACT SAME THING!!!!! Rolls a 1 and throws his Great sword overboard. I noticed first and started laughing!! Pretty soon, everyone was busting up. Sadly, he eventually got it back...

another time, a friend of mine was playing someone else's character and wasn't familiar with some of their spells. Our party ran into a wall of tentacles in a hallway. My friend had this brilliant idea of casting "Detect evil magic". He forgot, however, we were inside a Drow temple! The ENTIRE place started to glow. Someone else said "I'm surprised your head didn't explode!!!". Seriously, it was like an acid trip for the character!!!

In another game, there was one person who decided to cloak themselves and go down this hallway. Well... there were 2 elite Fire Giants in there and they some how spotted her and threw her in an iron maiden. Apparently, that same iron maiden was used on trolls before, because, after we killed one giant and turned the other, AND rescued a member from the bottom of a waterfall they fell in, we revived her and a little later she noticed a weird growth on her leg. It was a part of a troll that was revived with her and started to grow into a full sized troll. Someone in our party cut it off and ran down a hallway to throw it in a pool of lava.

TheCountAlucard
2009-11-07, 06:12 PM
Last night's game featured an epic battle. The party is a half-fey human Healer, an elven Scout/Ranger, a human Warlock, and a dwarven Fighter. They're having to help defend a city wall from an army of goblins led by black dragons.

After some prolonged skirmishes, the party encounters a lance-wielding half-dragon goblin on dragonback. After nearly taking out the Warlock in one hit, the rider dismounts and continues to battle the Scout, (enlarged) Fighter, and Healer atop the wall, while the dragon chases after the fleeing Warlock. That's when the Fighter gets his brilliant idea; on his last round of being enlarged, he charges and bullrushes the dragonrider, intending to push him off the wall. Thanks to there being two size categories' difference between the two, the Fighter succeeds and pushes him off. However, the Fighter has no ranks in Balance and is wearing heavy armor; his Balance modifier is in the negatives... and he rolls a 1. :smalleek:

The goblin miraculously survived the three hundred foot fall, slowly sitting up with seven hit points left, and then notices that he's sitting in a massive shadow, and looks up...

The party found the dwarf, now back to his normal size, sitting uncomfortably atop the goblin's spiked armor in a crater as deep as a refrigerator, wringing every last charge out of his healing belt. :smallbiggrin:

Pocketa
2009-11-07, 08:00 PM
I have a confession.

I've never played D&D. Closest I got was Neverwinter Nights. I have no idea how it works.

Meirnon
2009-11-07, 08:52 PM
With dice, pens and paper, along with a set of rules on how situations are resolved using said dice and things written down on the paper. Some think it's complicated, although some think it's simple. I can empathize with both groups, and I can understand why you haven't played.

Anyways, I am soooo glad no one's calling thread necro. This thread doesn't deserve to be called necro simply because people post on it alot, just with big gapes in between.

Andre Fairchilde
2009-11-07, 09:20 PM
I post when I have a funny story.

But lately, the stuff that's funny is kind of hard to explain.

Like we had a session a few months ago where we went for at least 10 rounds with two dominated party members trying to grapple a third party member - and none won.

"Roll to grapple... you hit... roll again... you don't pin..."

It was basically a slap fest.

Meirnon
2009-11-07, 09:23 PM
Alot like all of the fights at my school. Done by people who say they're gangsters, done like people who are really sissies.

And to think my school's the "hood" one :smallconfused:

Arachu
2009-11-07, 09:51 PM
I just killed a Lich by reading his surface thoughts, sending an Unseen Servant to retrieve his phylactery, and casting Erase on it.

Yep, I killed a Lich with Erase. My party was level 5, and the Lich was level 10. And the best part, is that I'm actually a DM controlling an NPC main character.

I spent an hour making that Lich. And I broke him. With Erase.

:smallcool:
I must be... The worst father-being... >:D

TheCountAlucard
2009-11-07, 10:30 PM
So, you used DM Fiat to score a victory in the name of your DMPC?

...Where does the funny come in?

Arachu
2009-11-07, 11:03 PM
He's a Lich. He's spent decades making himself immortal with magic. And he got annihilated by a 1st-level spell.

... It sounds quite boring on paper...

Meirnon
2009-11-07, 11:10 PM
And very "I'm so awesome, I just did this" egotistical, because you're the DM. It would be much funnier if you didn't use DM fiat (you stole my term!) and metagaming to beat him.

Andre Fairchilde
2009-11-07, 11:47 PM
I just killed a Lich by reading his surface thoughts, sending an Unseen Servant to retrieve his phylactery, and casting Erase on it.

Yep, I killed a Lich with Erase. My party was level 5, and the Lich was level 10. And the best part, is that I'm actually a DM controlling an NPC main character.

I spent an hour making that Lich. And I broke him. With Erase.

:smallcool:
I must be... The worst father-being... >:D

Erase just removes magical writing from a scroll, how would that effect a Wonderous Item?

I don't mean to butt in, but the Phylactery is a Wonderous Item - what was the DC? How does Erase work on a Phylactery, which is usually an item that is enchanted? If the caster level was 11th level (minimum to create the item) - the minimum DC save of the item should be a DC of 21. Also, if the item had a SR of 1, the Erase spell would not work.

Solaris
2009-11-08, 01:13 AM
Last night, had the Neanderthal barbarian stand in the way of a boulder an enemy tribe rolled down the path at him and his party. He critted the Strength check while using an action point and raging.
The boulder went back up the path.

Jokasti
2009-11-08, 01:48 AM
Okay, so my party had to combine the Elemental Planes of Fire and Water. Easy, no? (12th level DnD 3.5)
To get to the Demiplane (sort of a Wood Between the Worlds for you C.S. Lewis fans) we had to go through... the Gate. A fifty-foot high vortex of fiery death. To use it, we had to have the Renduvian Heart and Scroll, found inside, you guessed it, the Gate itself. While the Druid, Loremaster, and Sorcerer discussed how to get them, my bored monk decided to run inside and grab them (160 feet every six seconds!).
DM: Roll 3d20, 1 saving throw each.
Me: *Roll**Roll**Roll*(They were pretty good) I have Evasion, too.
DM: Okay... 150 (or so) damage.
Me: Crap, I'm negative. But alive.
Well, then Boney, the Lich Sorcerer DMPC teleports me out, but the fire kills me. He transplants the Heart into me, and reads the scroll himself. Now we can travel anywhere through the Gate as long as we hold hands. Our Cleric Rezzes me, and we proceed to combine the Elemental Planes of Fire and Water.
Me: Wait. I have Improved Evasion.
We went back and did the scene again, but the lich had to kill me to get the heart in.
Later, my monk had died, and we needed to travel again, so our fighter did the same thing, but this time, a PC got a great know(Arcana) check, so the DM said: Did you try Create Water?
Everyone: ...
Everyone: #$%^&*(*&^%$%^&*()(*&^%$%^&*()
He saunters in, soaked, takes no damage, grabs the items, and calmly walks out. His clothes weren't even crispy.
Later, the same Dwarf Fighter died, and the Druid reincarnated him, and he became a Tiefling (Female). My new character (Blessed, check my homebrews. My DM only let me play it if he let another player smother my monk in his sleep. I agreed, but the player forgot to loot. W00t awesome magic items/Heart of Awesomesauce! Needless to say, I didn't) high Charisma, tried to seduce the Tiefling. Conversation at bar:
Me: So, do you come here often?
Tiefling Female Fighter: (OOC I like Dwarven Females.) Yes. Why do you ask?
Me: Never mind. (Walks off, Disguise Self)
Me (As a Dwarven Female): So, do you come here often?
We had a weird relationship after that. If only there was a Medieval Jerry Springer.
My Blessed later almost died after he insulted Asmodeus. He got a Ruby Rod through the chest, at -9 HP. Luckily a cleric got to me, but I have a nice scar and a better story (for the ladies.)
And now my DM wants my BLessed to be a villain. I plan on having him crack at breakfast when his iron rations aren't like halfling rations.

brandr
2009-11-08, 06:40 PM
So playgrounders, CoC.

My investigation team is a little left of center. For those of you not familiar with the Call of Cthulhu game system, you can make your own skills at the keepers discretion, and can lead to some interesting sessions.

One for instance, played this last halloween. The muscle of our party, an Italian fellow known as Benito Saravecci is a large man (size class 11) and is a prodigy with the baseball bat. As a joke, referrencing the fact that the character used to be a scrawny new yorker as a kid, the player decides to give him scout like bat wielding abilities. hence the skill "bat-fu". Im not sure how many people ITP are familiar with martial arts in the CoC setting, but they basically make melee attacks SICKHAUS. The best part about this being, that the mansion we were investigating was crawling with alien beings, who for some reason i dont think the keeper payed much attention too, are extremely succeptible to bludgeoning damage. IE being beaten to death by an angry Italian.

Now, mind you, i am an unconscionable tomb robber with a love for 'splosives, and a quarter stick of dynamite blows holes in walls all over the mansion, but do relatively little to the alien horrors. however it doesn't matter, because benny beat them all to death :).

more to come later

Ormagoden
2009-11-09, 04:52 PM
A druid character at our table recently inherited (Read: awakened) a lycanthrope(SP?) bloodline of sorts that allowed him to take on the werewolf forms along with his normal wild shapes.

At some point later on another character was describing this change to an NPC at a bar.

the line was something along the lines of <quietly> "...and so now he is a weredruid."

The NPC exclaims "WEREDRUID!"

And another one of the players points to the druid's player and says "There Druid!"

Ormagoden
2009-11-09, 05:11 PM
Last night's game featured an epic battle. The party is a half-fey human Healer, an elven Scout/Ranger, a human Warlock, and a dwarven Fighter. They're having to help defend a city wall from an army of goblins led by black dragons.

After some prolonged skirmishes, the party encounters a lance-wielding half-dragon goblin on dragonback. After nearly taking out the Warlock in one hit, the rider dismounts and continues to battle the Scout, (enlarged) Fighter, and Healer atop the wall, while the dragon chases after the fleeing Warlock. That's when the Fighter gets his brilliant idea; on his last round of being enlarged, he charges and bullrushes the dragonrider, intending to push him off the wall. Thanks to there being two size categories' difference between the two, the Fighter succeeds and pushes him off. However, the Fighter has no ranks in Balance and is wearing heavy armor; his Balance modifier is in the negatives... and he rolls a 1. :smalleek:

The goblin miraculously survived the three hundred foot fall, slowly sitting up with seven hit points left, and then notices that he's sitting in a massive shadow, and looks up...

The party found the dwarf, now back to his normal size, sitting uncomfortably atop the goblin's spiked armor in a crater as deep as a refrigerator, wringing every last charge out of his healing belt. :smallbiggrin:

Ha ha that's awesome. I tend to have at least one incredibly reckless moment with each character, it just ends up that way don't ask me why.

Some of them include:

Jumping off a 80ft crenelation onto an epic wizard holding an artifact weapon.

Jumping out the window of a stopped monorail (300 ft in the air) only to whip myself back into the next window over for a snappy double kick.(I love physical adepts)

Botching a roll in shadowrun and having the GM tell me. Yeah you think a pallet of C-4 is enough to blow up the house. 1 hour later on the news an entire city block is gone attacked by "terrorists". My character hangs her head.

Swallowing creepy evil magic gem in order to get it by security at a gate.

and other such tales of "damn the consequences!"

varthalon
2009-11-09, 06:05 PM
DM: Sable, would you do me a favour and write down all of the items you had stored on the ship? Then give the piece of paper to me.


Reminds me a bit of my first long running gaming group, back in 1st edition and DM required character sheets to be written in pencil. Occassionally he'd ask to see someone's character sheet... look over it... erase something... write something... look over it some more... hand it back.

You want anxious players... watch them watching you tinkinger with their character.

He did it for a wide variety of reasons: erasing a bit of gold after your character was pick pocketed... adding a bit of XP other characters didn't get for some reason... checking what items you had on you or your ability scores... and of course just to mess with our heads.

We'd get our sheet back and try to figure out what he'd changed but he was pretty good at duplicating our handwriting and it was sometimes hard to tell if you money had gone down a few gold or your XP up a couple hundred points or if your intelligent +3 dagger had gotten bored with you and teleported itself away to find a new owner... or if nothing had changed at all (half an hour later... player: I pull my dagger and threaten him... DM: what dagger? player, looking down at his character sheet: my +3 dagger of... er... my dagger.. oh crap.)


Another big thing in that campaign was passing notes.

The DM would pass a note to the Rogue who was off doing something out of sight.... just to tell him he hadn't found anything (and thus instantly assuring that the rest of the players were certain he had since he'd been passed a note about something).

The DM would pass a note to the player of the cleric regarding a prophetic seeming dream his character had just had that the party fighter would be murdered by the party rogue unless the cleric killed him first.

The party wizard was often passing notes regarding reading peoples minds to find out who was plotting against him (and other various 'secret' arcane activities). DM would reply with information about what other characters were plotting.

The player of the party ranger would through a note to the player of the party wizard to ask if he'd like to go in on ordering a pizza.

The wizard's player would pass a note back the the ranger saying "yes, ham and pinapple for me" and "The cleric is insane, he's going to murder the rogue... we should kill him tonight in his sleep."

The player of the ranger throws a note back to the wizard... "sounds good... both the pizza and getting rid of the cleric, he never heals me in combat anyway".

The DM would pass a note to the party rogue, off again by himself, that he'd just encountered a doppleganger (flurry of back and forth notes in which the rogue looses a fight, is killed and replaced by the doppleganger and the player is instructed to return to the party as the doppleganger pretending to be the rogue and start privately picking off other characters, starting with the fighter).


We were kind of a paranoid group for some reason.

Edit:
Some other fun moments I've thought of:

In a first edition D&D game:

Travelling through some forested hills we find a Green Dragon napping in front of his cave at the foot of a huge cliff. I decide that my fighter, still really beat up from a recent fight with some hill giants (our party being without a cleric - see above) doesn't stand a chance of surviving a fight with a dragon but I come up with a clever idea to go out in glory.

The rest of the party gathers and prepares for the battle as I quietly run around and up the back of the cliff. Taking careful aim I draw my two handed sword and jump. I figure I'd die from massive damage from the fall but could at least inflict as much damage by falling, hopefully sword first, on the back of the dragon... giving the rest of the party a fighting chance.

Unfortunately it turned out to be only a statute of a green dragon. Splat. The cave turned out to be a good place for the party to camp for the night and I rolled up a new character... a cleric.


In a 3.5 edition D&D game:

Party finds an old ruined tower and is attacked by a flying invisible creature just outside.

Party barbarian finally gets tired with the fight since he can reach the thing nor aim at it and goes into the tower alone... triggering another combat. The tower is hollow and floating in the center of it is a beholder.

Barbarian leaps (rolls really well on his jump check) and attempts to grapple the beholder (rolls a critical hit) so I judge he's landed on top of the beholder (who had been slightly below him when he'd jumped) and grabbed an eye stalk in each hand.

Next 20 minutes of game time was barbarian wrangling the beholder (trying to keep from being bucked off while simultaneously trying to figure out which of its eye stalks and forcing them to aim AWAY from him) and hoping that the other party members could get to him before it all came apart while the rest of the party figured out a way to deal with the flying, invisible outer guardian not knowing what was happening to the barbarian.


Another 3.5 edition game (monstrous campaign):

Party is exploring underground. They cross a water-filled pit trap with a rope swing across it (minor monster in the bottom of the pit which doesn't turn out to be to much of a problem) Shortly afterward the group finds the tomb of a death knight. Some good treasure right out in the open but they determine that if they take any it will awaken the dormant death knight. Realizing that they are out-matched by such a powerful undead they retreat back to the to the rope swing and start going back across to explore other areas of the dungeon.

One of the players (playing a lizardman) has figured he could loot the tomb, triggering the Death Knight, and still get away. The other players, realizing his intentions begin trying to talk him out of it. The party is almost all on the opposite side of the pit trap and lizardman, still on the tomb side, bolts back toward tomb hoping to get there before anyone can catch him.

Initiative is rolled and intraparty non-lethal (well, mostly non-lethal) combat begins... The lizardman rolled poorly on his initiative and it doesn't look good for him. The party fighter and druid both miss their attempts to stop him but the drow wizard starts casting a full round spell that will certainly work. Then, completely blind siding everyone (including the DM) the Kenku rogue sneak attacks the wizard disrupting the spell and allowing the lizardman to get away. The wizard, druid, and fighter all attack the traitorous rogue and battle ensues with much of it being fought ON the rope swing with character trying to either get to one side or the other of the pit while keeping others on the other side or trying to climb over other characters to get a higher and more advantageous position on the rope.

Eventually the party, bruised, exhausted, and barely conscious, calls a truce... just as the lizardman comes sprinting back down the hallway happily laden with treasure and with a very powerful and very angry death knight right behind him.

Thundrpigeon
2009-11-10, 01:30 AM
Best story I can think of involved a party of 4. We had a half-orc fighter with a low int. score so he roleplays himself as an idiot, a human cleric who act like the opposite gender, a half-elf ranger that like to kill people, and me, the human sorcerer that enjoys turning party members on each other, breaks the game on accident and blows stuff up. Our DM hates us sometimes...

We are searching for a ship that has a captive on board that we must save. We reach the coast that the ship was last seen on, and we find the ship...in the water at the bottom of a 100 foot cliff. Now our fighter and cleric don't get along. So our fighter charges the cleric and attempts to knock her off the cliff. She succeeds in a reflex save to jump out of the way and then proceeds to trip him off the cliff. By a miracle roll and some likely DM fudging, he misses hitting to boat and the pier and happens to just get hurt a lot. He climbs up on the pier and starts yelling at our cleric, which attracts the pirates out of the boat.

I succeed in a spot check to notice that the pirates are coming after our dear party member and then decide to take the best course of action to save him. I hit the ship with a fireball...three times. At this point I broke our DM because he was baffled by the fact that I was willing set the boat on fire, but he kept forgetting about my alignment.. Luckily for our captive, we drew enough of the forces out of the ship for him to fight his way out, but what was supposed to be relatively simple battle turned into a very interesting one. The sad thing was that we never went back to collect our reward.

TheCountAlucard
2009-11-10, 05:22 PM
Ha ha that's awesome.I thought so, anyway. It was also funny, having the Fighter take three rounds to take out a summoned Earth Elemental (with help, even!), only for the Warlock to make the second one go "poof" with a dispel. :smallamused:

Zilfana
2009-11-18, 12:26 AM
This happened earlier today actually and it required and bit of a backstory. Me and one of the two rogues in our party is quite notorious for stealing from party members and everyone else, not caring for the well being of the party, etc. just general rogue like behavior with the exception of killing an old lady, he won't start a "fair" fight :smallwink:

Anyway, so everyone hates him, but he's never too much of a problem. Anytime he steals something we get it back or we can otherwise fix the problem, but because of this, we can never really get him back for the things he's done. In our encounters my character, a chaotic neutral human avenger and I try to play the part, comes into the possession of some wine that knocks people out if they drink it breath it, etc. I've even poisoned a few of my daggers with it :smallbiggrin: I am the only one with a bottle of this wine in our party.

So we come into this small fishing town, and the first thing the rogue decides to do is "go get wasted!" As soon as he says this, an idea pops into my head as a few of us follow him to the tavern. He buys a glass of the strongest stuff and downs it. Then proceeds to buy two more glasses, where I then buy a glass of my own. After he quickly drinks the two new drinks, I slip a bit of the wine into my drink and offer it too him. Being so drunk, he had no choice but to except it, and he tried his best to get out of it, and was knocked unconscious. And so finally the rogue got what he was due. To bad we couldn't take advantage of it and buy us nice meals with his money, because the cleric had to stick up for him. The dragonborn cleric :smallfrown:

Zilfana
2009-11-18, 12:29 AM
Rogue: When I wake up, I'm going to kill you!
Me: Really? I don't think you will.
Rogue: Yes I will, you poisoned me.
Me: You don't know that.
Rogue: Yes I do!
Me: Yeah, but your character doesn't, you where pretty drunk! :smallcool:

Zilfana
2009-11-22, 04:35 PM
Its about right I would post in this thread the moment of its death.

Meirnon
2009-11-22, 05:51 PM
Thread's not dead. Just very very slow.

RandomNPC
2009-11-25, 06:56 PM
I play in an epic game, I've got a lich, and the only other character to show up was a human druid. We came up against a gibbering orb, basicly an epic beholder, 24 ray attacks a turn. So the DM rolls a dice and goes even/odd, to see if the ray is aimed at the bard or the lich. Everything that hit the bard stuck, and everything that hit the lich either missed or was something in the immunities list.

Greater disspelling? hit bard,
Irrisitible dance? Hit bard
Harm? healed me
charm monster? saved
insanity? immune

it went on like this for an hour while the DM tried to figure out saves and who was being targeted. As a finisher I cast time stop an got 4 rounds. 1: gate to bottom of a lake of lava on the plane of fire. 2: Iron wall with the tip over varriant, to push the thing down into the portal. 3: rock to mud on the cave ceiling, just in case. 4: sit and wait, time started back up, and the gibbering orb was pushed to the bottom of a lake of lava, sealed under an iron wall and a ton of mud that was turned back to stone by the druid, and then i let the gate close.

CrimsonAngel
2009-11-25, 08:31 PM
If the dungeons and dragons online game counts, well then:

My halfling ranger Margarid was following a series of instructions that lead her to a lizardfolk hideout, I found this shourtcut on a cliff, Looking down, the ledge underneath was relatively close. I thought my featherfall cloak worked automatically, but no. I leaped and the falling damage killed me.


And speaking of jumping fails, I was in a cavern, sort of like a maze, and was searching for the next floor panel to activate some magic rock thing that lets me in.I was getting damn tired of running up and down stairs so a decided to jump to the ledge at the bottom of the rock about 5 feet from me. I lept towards it, prepared to drink my potions, and missed the ledge by like an inch. I died and had to start over. :smallfrown:

GideonRiddle
2009-12-09, 06:14 PM
I've only played a little but so much laughter was had.

The Party:

Human Cleric: LG Extremely stuck up intense loathing had by all but the knight
?? Soulknife: Quite fun
Elan Psion: TN Basic build
Human Knight: LG proudly brags about his Big Bushy Beard
Half-Elf Deathless Ranger: CG just started and thinks he's all that (he dies:smallsmile:)
Human Wizard(me): CN specialized in evocation like to make things go boom


This is the tale of my death.

We had just finished in a tomb filled with undead. during which we were exposed to a small taste of a horror campaign the DM had run before( quote"a mild taste of that campaign"). everyones sanity was around 60pts except the cleric @ 78pts. we all lost 35pts from that "small taste" and had to roll will vs. insanity(not the cleric though).

All failed as the DC was 35. These were the temp. insanities we got.

Deathless: terrified of Little Girls
Psion: Lost use of his left arm (had to act it out)
Knight: Lost all willpower and therefore followed the cleric with no mind of his own
Soulknife: Became a necrophiliac which is hilarious since the world had been recently over run by undead.
Wizard(me): I became Paranoied.

At first this was fine since I was going to hide in my room. Unfortunately for around 30 people the Cleric had us arrested. I refused to go since there was no charges or good reason. They responed by encasing me in stone to my neck. And floating me to the NON antimagic jail cell.

We had just gone up a level and I had learned Teleport which is verbal only.:smallbiggrin: This was the progression thereafter.

1) I teleported out to my room. The guard in charge of watching me freaks out.

2) I arrive in my room where there are two servants searching my stuff, they also freak and run out of the room.

3) I send a Wall of Fire down the hall to stop them. This kills 24 civilians and sets the building on fire.

4) I grab my stuff and jump out the window(I was on the 1st floor) and am immediately grappled by three guards.

5) My only possible response was to use the Produce Flame tattoo on my arm which surprised on guard. He let go and promptly started beating it out.

6) This activated my Greater Electric Vengeance spell killing all three. I then ran for the only gate in town.

7) 1/3 of the way there 3 Warmages Teleport in front of me my response being fireball dealing only 25 dmg out of a possible 60. This kills two and the other coughs says "**** this" and leaves.

8) 2/3 of the way there another warmage teleports in with the leader o the city which is a Lv. 12 Crusader. I cast Lightning Bolt w/ fire damage for full dmg. killing the warmage (who actually made his save) the crusader then charged and bullrushed me activating Electric Vengeance for full dmg (I have dealt around 90 pts of dmg.)

9) He goes to do an attack that WILL kill me and leave a crater. I use my only Hero Point (which lets me do anything perfectly once) to pull a Teleport out of my *** and go home 500miles from here.

Unfortunately I forgot that the distance was 100/CL and said I could go 100 miles. I made it half way to home and ended up in the desert where I was promptly eaten by an Undead Worm.


The group response was I went down with Balls and Glory.

Interestingly I gain enough experience to go up a level and was therefore reborn as a lich which forced me to completely redo my character as I am now a reaccuring villian.

dathing11
2009-12-13, 07:52 PM
In a major city that was very relevant to the campaign, the humans held authority and took up a large portion of the population, and their was a large number of half-elves living in the same city but they were poorly treated and basically discriminated against. Population was roughly 60% humans, 30% half-elves, 10% mixed. The city was going to be the first major battle location of an invading force from a southern island nation, as this was the southern most city on this continent. We needed to rally the half-elves together with the humans to help defend the city, and they had been unwilling to join forces with "their oppressors" One of our party was a half-elf himself, we'll call him Wes, and we sent him to the slums to try and rally them, and the rest of us were with the king and his advisers discussing what was to be done. The half-elf went, and started giving a speech to the half-elves, with only mild success... and then turns Malcolm X on them, and starts getting fired up about how "we should rise against our oppressors, and take what honor we deserve by force!" after rolls, he successfully turned a rally into a revolt, and the half-elven population of the city charged the castle... and were all slaughtered. Long story short, we fought hard but the city eventually fell... the worst part was, it was a long and very close battle, and a few more troops would have likely changed the outcome


Erase just removes magical writing from a scroll, how would that effect a Wonderous Item?

I don't mean to butt in, but the Phylactery is a Wonderous Item - what was the DC? How does Erase work on a Phylactery, which is usually an item that is enchanted? If the caster level was 11th level (minimum to create the item) - the minimum DC save of the item should be a DC of 21. Also, if the item had a SR of 1, the Erase spell would not work.

Exactly, whenever i see threads about d&d there's countless things like this that make no sense... if liches could be killed by such easy means, they wouldn't even be a threat. And there's other things that happen, like...



"Roll to grapple... you hit... roll again... you don't pin..."

It was basically a slap fest.

But it doesn't work that way, they would still be grappling if a pin check failed, by failing it the pin was not successful, but that doesn't break the grapple. they would just be constantly struggling, with nobody getting the upper hand and performing a pin. And...


Last night, had the Neanderthal barbarian stand in the way of a boulder an enemy tribe rolled down the path at him and his party. He critted the Strength check while using an action point and raging.
Hilarity ensued.

Stuff like this i always see come up. It doesn't work like that, you cannot crit on checks, skill or otherwise. Just because you roll a 1 on a search check doesn't mean you find nothing. And like if an object has a spot dc of 10, and your spot is +9, you can never fail the roll, because a one means nothing different, just like a 20 is nothing different. You just apply your modifier and continue. If this character can roll a 20 and stop a boulder, why not just try to throw houses at people. Sure the check is impossible, but oh boy if you roll that nat 20 on your strength check, you just threw a house at someone!... yeah, right. And on the other end, of crit missing on attacks, its annoying when people think that something has to happen every time somebody rolls a 1, like "oh you throw your sword overboard". That's also ridiculous to think 1 out of every 20 times you do something that you are going to fail miserably

Flame of Anor
2009-12-16, 02:07 AM
1) I teleported out to my room. The guard in charge of watching me freaks out.

2) I arrive in my room where there are two servants searching my stuff, they also freak and run out of the room.

3) I send a Wall of Fire down the hall to stop them. This kills 24 civilians and sets the building on fire.

4) I grab my stuff and jump out the window(I was on the 1st floor) and am immediately grappled by three guards.

5) My only possible response was to use the Produce Flame tattoo on my arm which surprised on guard. He let go and promptly started beating it out.

6) This activated my Greater Electric Vengeance spell killing all three. I then ran for the only gate in town.

7) 1/3 of the way there 3 Warmages Teleport in front of me my response being fireball dealing only 25 dmg out of a possible 60. This kills two and the other coughs says "**** this" and leaves.

8) 2/3 of the way there another warmage teleports in with the leader o the city which is a Lv. 12 Crusader. I cast Lightning Bolt w/ fire damage for full dmg. killing the warmage (who actually made his save) the crusader then charged and bullrushed me activating Electric Vengeance for full dmg (I have dealt around 90 pts of dmg.)

9) He goes to do an attack that WILL kill me and leave a crater. I use my only Hero Point (which lets me do anything perfectly once) to pull a Teleport out of my *** and go home 500miles from here.

Unfortunately I forgot that the distance was 100/CL and said I could go 100 miles. I made it half way to home and ended up in the desert where I was promptly eaten by an Undead Worm.


The group response was I went down with Balls and Glory.

Interestingly I gain enough experience to go up a level and was therefore reborn as a lich which forced me to completely redo my character as I am now a reaccuring villian.

Duuuuude. Can you say "OVERKILL"? :smallbiggrin:

Fortuna
2009-12-16, 03:13 AM
Mine all boil down to "Party makes minor mistake, TPK", but there are a couple floating around from my parents. One of them is that one time (this is way back in 1e) everyone except the rogue (my dad) was dead. Completely. And so the rogue stole the wizard's ring of wishes and wished that everyone was full healed. Not particularly funny, I know. However, my dad kept the ring:smallbiggrin:

Lioness
2009-12-18, 08:30 AM
So today we had a special Christmas party in our session. Our employer offered us some of her famous (spiked) eggnog.

Cue me and another player both failing our will saves, and rolling dice to see who we fell in love with. We got each other.

Boy was that interesting to RP, especially seeing as my DM is also my boyfriend, and while he likes roleplaying in his games, I'm sure he doesn't like that much.

Lioness
2009-12-18, 08:34 AM
Oh yes, and our ninja almost drowned.

Until he realised he was wearing boots of levitation, and levitated himself upside-down out of the water, then just hung there until we came to his rescue.

Anuan
2009-12-18, 08:34 AM
Interestingly I gain enough experience to go up a level and was therefore reborn as a lich which forced me to completely redo my character as I am now a reaccuring villian.

...Yes. Yes. This is so, so awesome.

Meirnon
2009-12-18, 08:59 AM
Oh yes, and our ninja almost drowned.

Until he realised he was wearing boots of levitation, and levitated himself upside-down out of the water, then just hung there until we came to his rescue.

Too much eggnog? :smallconfused:

Zom B
2009-12-18, 09:26 AM
In our 2nd ed game, we faced some demon that kept flapping around the room and lobbing spells at us, and only a few of us had magical ranged weapons. Our elven bladesinger was among those who had none, and wanted to help, so he talked the DM into allowing thrown objects with spells like Light cast on them to be "magical" weapons. He decided to start with the heaviest thing he could throw since the cleric really didn't have that many object-oriented spells handy and grabbed a bookcase. Then came the inevitable question: "So...what's the speed factor of a bookcase?"

In one of my early 3rd edition games, I played a level 1 wizard and I was on top of a wagon that was being surrounded by goblins. We were losing badly, and I cast a Ghost Sound into the trees around us, and the goblins heard, "Ready, Elves? Take aim!" That was one time where not being able to pinpoint the location of the sound actually made the illusion more believable.

brandr
2009-12-18, 05:50 PM
you know your DM's gone completely nuts when he inserts his character from a seperate campaign into another current campaign as a queen's advisor.

Lioness
2009-12-18, 07:06 PM
That sounds like something my DM would do

unknownmercury
2009-12-18, 07:15 PM
My dad was a Gnome Artificer in his original group, and so he could make some handy magical items. He made a portable tower, that when you said the word of power, it would instantly grow. They were surrounded by a bunch of soldiers, who were about ready to kill them, so my dad throws the tower to one dude, says the word, and takes out a whole city block.

Eldrys
2009-12-18, 07:49 PM
One time when I was only 2nd level, I had accidentally set of a trap that opened up a deep hole, and narrowly avoided falling in. It wasn't very big, and at the bottom, there was a gelatinous cube. I thought oh it's only an ooze, I bet I could take it. Besides, it's worth XP. So I jumped into the pit, then got engulfed by the cube. I got down to -7 before my group decided to rescue me.

Froogleyboy
2009-12-18, 08:30 PM
One time, the party was getting wishes granted by a genie and when it was my turn, I said: "I wish you wouldn't grant this wish"
We had to end the session early

MoriHikari
2009-12-19, 02:04 AM
so when i first started playing in my current saturday group it was one of the other players birthdays so our DM said she could have any magic item of her level or less. (with in reason) She thought for like two seconds and said: "can I have a bra of holding?" The DM, seeing no issues this could cause said yes. Well like four weeks later we're trapped in this town ruled by Count Strahd(the vampire) and she's trying to infiltrate his castle. So she kills a gaurd and takes his clothes...then she realizes she now has a body to deal with...so instead of stuffing it in the bushes she says: "I put him in my Bra!" Our DM looks at her, doumbfounded.
DM: you do what?
PC: I put him in my bra of holding so no one can find his body, I'll get rid of it properly later

"Properly later" was dumping him off a bridge when she was offered a ride up to the castle later...:smallsigh:

another one I was told about was a player running a first edition game for his dad and they were up against a dragon. (keep in mind neither of them had much experiance with the game yet)
DM: Ok a dragon snakes its head around the cornor and looks at you hungrily
Player: A dragon? there's no way I can fight one of those...I'll throw my backpack at it to distract it, then try to run.
DM: Ok roll to see if you can hit it.
Player:*rolls* I got a twenty what does that mean...
DM: um...*flips through book* Its a crit. Roll a persentile.
Player: *rolls* two zeros... what happens.
DM: *flips a couple pages*...I...I think you killed it...
Player: with my backpack???
Dm:your sword must have been in the backpack...It had to have been...
Player: this game sucks

GallóglachMaxim
2009-12-19, 09:48 PM
Recent one from the game I'm not DMing

Our party was helping a group of soldiers defend a fort on a trade route in the middle of nowhere, and we got attacked by a huge army of goblins. (How huge? Everything short of the DM saying 'look, fighting them isn't the right solution'). The nine of us who survived the first attack retreated to the keep, where the soldiers' leader brought out six invisibility potions. There were five of us (Cleric, Bard, Rogue, Swashbuckler and my Monk), three NPC soldiers and their boss. The boss volunteered to stay in the fort, as did one of the other NPCs, so there were seven of us and six potions.

The Cleric and I tried to work out a way to get as many of us out as possible, but since you can't just sneak someone visible out inside your invisible clothes, we had trouble, until I pointed out that A: a dead body counts as an obect B: carried objects become invisible and C: the halfling bard only weighed about 30lb. (to be fair to my character here, he's LN, not good, and it was the best way to get all seven people out that he could think of).

So we strangled the bard, tied some string to her, drank the potions and sneaked out of the fort.

Just after passing through the goblin army, the swashbuckler's potion wore off and the two NPCs we had saved were caught and killed by goblin cavalry, so it didn't end up getting us much. The bard has yet to be raised.

Tawmis
2009-12-21, 01:17 PM
:smalltongue: I could fill this thread with endless amount of funny D&D stories over the many, many, many, many years of gaming... And if you include MMO games (or even RP games like NWN)... yeesh...

A lot of the fun things that have happened in some of our gaming sessions, we put in as small nods in the Machinima series we do (see the sig for more on that).

Vagnarok
2009-12-21, 08:57 PM
I don't remember if I've posted this before, but it's funny enough to risk a re-post.

So awhile ago back in my sophmore year of high school I was playing in a friends homebrewed campaign. The party consisted of my friend B the swordsman (some type of homebrewed fencer IIRC), G who played a rogue, M who was a sorcerer and me, the ranger turned arcane archer.

At the moment we were in a Colosseum type adventure, and we each got to pick out cool stage names and a finishing move so we each went around the table announcing them to the DM. Since I had 3 items that gave +20 to jump checks I had my character jump up to touch the ceiling and then make a full attack action on the way down, crazy stuff like that. Anyway the my friend B was being an annoying tool (a common occurrence) to the point where the DM said FINE. Your stage name is now "The Salami Swordsman," much to B's dismay! He was allowed to keep his "finishing move" however. I put that in quotes because it was really more of a taunt. He would reach into his pants and scratch his danglers with his dagger. it was especially annoying because he would roll to see if he was doing it. :smallannoyed: Sigh.

The campaign continued on for a few sessions, but the taunt remained. :smallmad: He would do it at the most inappropriate times, even when we were talking to important officials. Especially then, now that I think about it. Even when we were all totally sick of it and we all basically SHOUTED at him to stop, he persisted. :smallfurious: Then finally, our moment of salvation came.

We were invited to the mayor's chambers after completing some dashing deed. Needless to say, to celebrate, B opened up his pants and rolled his d20 with his coma inducing phrase: "I scratch my ****s with my dagger!" but this time, the die stopped on a 1. The whole table froze. He quickly tried to grab the die before anyone else saw the result, but it was too late. The DM told him to roll again. Reluctantly, B rolled again. ONE.
Cheers erupted as the DM announced his self induced castration and we all promptly awarded his character a darwin award. The best part was that we had relatively easy access to a regeneration spell, but no one would lend him the money for it!

killmaster666
2010-01-01, 11:44 AM
Happy New Year to All My Fellow Readers of This Thread

In A D20 Modern adventure we are currently doing me and one of the other players were selected by the dm to play secret agents investigating paranormal phenominon.

now i rolled up a guy who was awsome with a gun but had absolutly no physical prowess in every encounter we did he never even got to start trying to do somtihng. he was grappled down by a zombie and nearly bitten, pistol whiped in the back of the head by some criminal on an airplane, so on and so forth.

now we encounter what is designed to be a big challangeing encounter where we arrive at a destroyed airport terminal and 9 zombies come shuffling at us as sone as we come in. by the third round i had one hit 3 zombies and blown there heads off because i hd just finally gotten my gun back.

the other agent got 1, the military brat got 1, the kung fu/Street Fighter took down 2 without ever getting bit, and the rest were all split up among the rest

it was funny because the guy who had untill that point done no damage and had been knocked out twice and had a stop sign impailed through his foot calmly walked in never had anything get withen 20 feet of him and held the highest kill score.

celticbushido
2010-01-01, 01:41 PM
Here are a couple of my favorites.

The first is from one of my old 2nd edition games. We the party were traveling through a tightly enclosed dungeon. We make our way into a small room, that's filled with huge barrels of oil. Also in the room are a dozen or so little people (gully dwarves), so our wizard in his infinite wisdom, backs out of the room, and casts.....fireball. We probably would have all been a lot more upset if the DM hadn't realized that the back draft would still catch the wizard, one adventuring party extra crispy please.

Another time, in 3.5 now, I had just joined a game where everyone besides myself were already epic level. However, the DM had decided that as a character I needed to earn some levels in game, so he started me out at level five. The very first encounter we were traveling down a tunnel, for whatever reason the group stuck me, the fifth level druid out in front.

DM: You're traveling down a long tunnel, it keeps going further than you can see, extending into the darkness.

Me: Alright well, I'm going to continue down and do some exploring.

DM: Ok, so you keep going, and going, you notice the feel of the ground change.

Me: Ok, I'll light a torch to see what's going on.

DM: Well, you appear to have entered a new chamber, the walls are covered in a thick yellow-green goo. Also you feel a hot wind coming from beyond the torch light.

Me: I want to take a sample of the goo. So I'll just take out my knife and vial and scrape some off the walls.

DM: You fill the vial, and in doing so wake up the Black Dragon whose nose you're currently occupying...

Me: Uh. crap, well I'll jump out and cast produce water, you can't tell me a couple gallons of water randomly appearing in the things nose after his slumber wouldn't at least stun him or something.

DM: Black Dragons can breath water.

Me: Crap.

Amazingly I survived spent basically the entire encounter alternately hiding an hitting the party members with either a wand of Bull Strength or a Cure Serious Wounds wand. Good times.

And finally from the game I'm DMing right now, one of the party members is a halfling rogue who goes by the name Chadwick Twelve-Toes. Now he made it very clear that Chadwick does not in fact have twelve toes it's just a family name. So they're traveling through this dungeon, and come across a river of lava, guarded by a Demon. Now they'd already picked up a holy symbol earlier in the dungeon that was supposed to be used to fool the demon into thinking they belonged in the cave, and have him ferry them across the river. Only problem was old Chadwick decided to speak to the demon in Infernal.

So the demon kills Chadwick, and proceeds to get killed itself. The party's cleric decides that he'll remove two of Chadwick's toes so he can be Ressed after leaving the dungeon, and dumps the rest of the body into the lava river. So later in the dungeon they find him healed but stuck in a trap. They get him out, and the cleric returns the two severed toes. Which Chadwick wears around his neck in a leather pouch. The moral of the story if you call yourself Twelve-Toes sooner or later you're going to end up with twelve toes, even if two aren't attached.

Wolfpacker
2010-01-01, 07:14 PM
Another story involves our friend Renan's Half-Orc Barbarian. Our party was heading up a ten-story tower to negotiate with a Necromancer--our rogue got there first, and predictably started to hit on her. In the seconds it took for the rest of the party to get up there, well...I'll put it in point form.

-The rogue pulls out a love potion he bought a while back (this particular kind did the cliche "first thing you see is the love of your life" angle. It also required ingestion to work). An evil grin sets on his face.

-He takes ten on his throw to hit the Necromancer with it. With his dexterity, it automatically succeeds.

-The Necromancer uses her Mage Hand, catches it, and immediately hurls it in a random direction.

At this very moment, the party walks in, the Barbarian getting in first due to his higher running speed.

Guess where the potion flew. It collided straight into him, which was hilarious, but no big deal (it still required ingestion, after all)

At this moment the rest of the party makes it in, chuckling at the Barbarian's expense. Renan does a bit of RPing by comically licking the potion off of his face.

"Wait", says the DM.

"Licking?.....Roll an intelligence check."

A puzzled look appears on Renan's face as the table erupts into laughter.

onthetown
2010-01-03, 10:09 AM
I used to play in a big group of people. One time, one player's dad joined in the fun.

The town we were in was attacked and so we had to run out and defend the town. The dwarf (the player's dad) sat on the wall and tried to get drunk the entire time. According to him, he was "defending the wall".

Close to the end of the battle, the DM told him that he wouldn't get any XP if he didn't join in the actual battle. From the wall, the dwarf picked up a rock and hurled it at a retreating orc. He got a critical. We said the orc died on impact. The dwarf went back to drinking.

He got his XP. :smallbiggrin:

In another campaign, we were playing D20 Modern. It was the dead of winter and a holiday, so people were inside. However, there were a lot of cars parked on a one-way street.

An enemy escaped the battle and tried to make a break for it. Since there were no people around, I threw a fireball.

Not only did it miss the enemy (who managed to get further away), but I forgot about the radius and several cars exploded and were thrown about. This took place pretty much right after we found out my character can't drive and usually ends up destroying the vehicle trying. She isn't allowed near vehicles anymore.

Pandaren
2010-01-04, 01:33 PM
First time DMing, first group I taught myself...

World's Largest Dungeon, group of three, human fighter, kobold sorcerer, and kobold...something else, I think shadow mage. The group manages to get through first room alright without killing themselves on the magical black portal present to all ye who have the campaign in the first room.

In the second room the PC's find a group of starving, injured orcs, whom one character proceeds to slaughter. The other characters berate the first for the slaughter, although doing nothing to stop it.

In the third room the PC's find old, moldy sacks on the floor, the kobold sorcerer proceeds to walk up to them, and hit one with a sword, poisonous dust spews from it, damages the character, who proceeds to do the same to another sack.

The fighter decides to take this opportunity (for whatever reason) to attack him, knocking him down into negatives. The other kobold magic missiles him, and luckily, wins initiative. He readies his spear, the fighter attacks him anyway, and gets skewered by a crit. By the end of the session, the fighter is coup de grace'd, and the other two characters die facing a blinding trap along with a handful of lizardfolk.

*****

Large group a few years later with a DM (not) that comes unprepared, he comes up with a puzzle to keep us busy for the day. We come upon a well filled with a clear, slippery substance. The whole group starts giggling as the first words to come out of somebody's mouth is "lube". The whole day evolves into a giggling fit, with people being barely able to look at each other without bursting into laughter.




Me: Uh. crap, well I'll jump out and cast produce water, you can't tell me a couple gallons of water randomly appearing in the things nose after his slumber wouldn't at least stun him or something.

DM: Black Dragons can breath water.

Me: Crap.

Love it.

Zom B
2010-01-04, 11:30 PM
My enchanter successfully cast Charm Monster on a White Dragon named Frost (he has very high ranks in a lot of Knowledge skills, and easily identified the dragon). Although the dragon considered Metanach (my enchanter) his friend, he did not consider the rest of the party so. After some failed negotiations, I decided to put my knowledge skills to the test in what was surely to be an epic battle of wits that would end the physical combat.

DM: Ok, it's your initiative.

Me: Okay. I make a knowledge (local) check to determine if I know of any local silver dragon dens nearby. If (local) doesn't cover that, I have equal ranks in (arcana) and (geography). +23 to any one of the checks.

DM: *rolls* Yeah, you're fairly sure you know where one is.

Metanach: *Casts Whispering Wind*

Frost: *Succeeds on Spellcraft check to identify spell being cast*

Metanach: Well, Frost, I'd like you to know that the local silver dragon named Argentis* now knows that the mere mortal known as Metanach has mentally dominated the mighty wyrm known as Frost. If you'd like to save any face among your dragon kin, I advise you to leave now.

*The DM didn't tell me a name, but considering he had trouble coming up with "Frost" for this dragon's name, I decided to help.

Me: *realizes the speech was supposed to come next round, when I can follow it up with an Ethereal Jaunt to escape into the ground* Um, wait, no, I'm going to say that next round.

DM: Too late! Reflex save! You done p***ed yourself off a dragon!

Lioness
2010-01-05, 04:42 AM
Oh gosh. My first DMing session today. I can't actually remember what happened. At all. But I do remember one thing

The usual DM, who is quite heavy on RP, was playing an uber-aloof ninja. He didn't even give the other PCs his name. Well, at one point, they defeated something, and the treasure was a ring of feather fall. I didn't tell him that.
He puts it on, and asks 'How do I feel?'
Me: You feel sort of light and fluffy
Him: Excellent! I jump off the cliff.

Oh, the potential that had to end badly. But it didn't.

Mary Leathert
2010-01-05, 06:55 AM
Me and my group of friends during our first D&D session as a whole group had some difficulties opening a door. This door had a handle which would bite the one who tried to touch it. In another room we found a toad and a key in a box (the toad was very much alive and we named it Hamlet). Trying to put the key in the keyhole we found out that it would give the person using the key a nasty electric shock. Thus began our guest to open the door.

We figured out the toad would have something to do with it. First, before we actually used the key, we tried to feed the toad to the handle, but the handle didn't react. Then came the zany ideas. We put the toads front leg into the keyhole. We put the key into its mouth and tried to turn it that way. We tested a potion we had found on the key, which started floating, after which one of us tested it on the toad which started floating as well. Luckily, neither floated out of our reach. Through all this, the DM told how the toad looked either very disapproving (when we used it) or smug (when we got electrocuted).
Finally, I remembered that my character had the Resist Energy spell prepared. She cast it on herself, took the key and the toad, and turned the key. There was no click, but we didn't think it was important. Then, came one more zany idea, and she squuzed the toad, getting slime all over the handle (and her hand). The toad escaped to her shoulder. The handle didn't attack her, and the door opened. Wihii!

Later, Dm told us that the keyhole was a fake, and the door would not bite simply if one had the toad (actually an evil magic user's familiar, with quite high Int) with them. At least we had much fun trying to figure the thing out.

Blas_de_Lezo
2010-01-05, 02:40 PM
We were playing Ravenloft, Goblyn's Feast I think it was. Anyway, the adventure had a natural canyon were the party were supposed to go to find an evil witch. Within the natural canyon, there were two knight-skeleton riders, with heavy lances, who were supposed to charge made his Spot roll and saw them before they saw us, so we just climbed/spiderwalked/levitated the one of the canyon's side, and reached the top, thus avoiding the lethal charge.

Our DM didn't expected this at all, and he was so angry, that he told us that there were "an infinite number of fiendish crows in the sky", who were to attack us constantly if we weren't going down again.

All the party went all mad at DM, but finally, as we wanted to keep on playing, we climbed/spiderwalked/levitated down and fought the knight skeletons. Next day, half the players stopped playing with that DM. (I still don't) :smallannoyed:

Zom B
2010-01-05, 02:43 PM
a natural cannon

:smallconfused:

Ohhhhhhh....

Canyon.

Blas_de_Lezo
2010-01-05, 02:50 PM
:smallconfused:

Ohhhhhhh....

Canyon.

corrected... :smallredface:

Zom B
2010-01-05, 03:02 PM
Still, that's not so much funny as pitifully poor DMing. "The players are getting off the railroad tracks that lead directly into my death trap? I shall punish them until they get back on!"

10 to 1 if the chargers had killed you guys he would have gone, "Geez, guys, you knew they were going to kill you, so why didn't you find a way to escape?"

Dire Moose
2010-01-05, 03:16 PM
I originally posted this on a different forum a while ago, but felt it ought to be said here.

OK, so I've been DMing a 3.5 ed campaign for over a year now, and a number of amusing incidents have developed. Most of them have something to do with failure to examine one's surroundings.

First, the party enters a dungeon and reaches a room with two stuffed bear heads mounted on the wall. One of the bear heads has a mysterious shiny blue orb hanging around its neck. The party's half-elf druid instantly exclaims "I take it!"

Bad move. As soon as he removes the orb, both of the bear heads reveal that they belong to halberd-wielding zombie bears that burst out of the walls and attack the party.

Later on in the same dungeon, the dwarf fighter finds herself locked in a room with an angry minotaur, and the party tries to get the door open from the other side. To get at the mechanism that opens it requires going into another room, so the rogue meticulously checks the entrance for traps. Finding none, he proceeds into the room and promptly decides to just walk to the chain connected to the previous door without checking the intervening hallway for traps.

Despite my asking him to confirm what he was doing, he proceeds to fall into the concealed pit trap in the center of the room and is nearly killed while fighting with the alligator inside it.

More recently, the party entered a temple full of deathtraps, clearly marked with horrible scenes of blood and gore carved into its walls. The half-elven scout who would normally be checking the place for traps arrived late, after the cleric and fighter have already entered the place. He found a big metal door in the first room, and failed to check it for traps before opening it. Behind said door was nothing but a stone wall with a giant, fire-breathing skull carved into it. He miraculously survived the resulting Flame Strike with only 1 hp remaining.

After the party has made it through the temple and is on the way out, the fighter (played by the same guy who was playing the druid from before) decides he wants to take this golden Grim Reaper idol from the aforementioned room with, so he ties a rope around it and pulls it from the altar it was on. Much hilarity ensued as it transformed into a Vrock and let the party have it.

And finally, the fighter actually died in the last session due to wading into a foot of muddy water while wearing full plate armor and walking down a corridor without checking the water depth along the way. A ten-foot pit was positioned midway down the hallway, and a suit of armor is not ideal for swimming in.

celticbushido
2010-01-06, 01:14 AM
halberd-wielding zombie bears

I tip my hat to you sir, GREATEST ENCOUNTER EVER.

Mystic Muse
2010-01-06, 06:35 PM
My player tried to hit on Tiamat.

yes. THAT Tiamat. the queen of all chromatic dragons.

Gamerlord
2010-01-06, 06:51 PM
4e. A friend of mine comes over and wants to join. He plays a fighter. They try to hunt a bandit. He than tries to cut a deal with the bandit: bandit goes free, fighter gets GPs and treasure map(As the players will soon learn, there is nothing in the ruins the map leads to but a angry construct they won't get any treasure for) When they return to town, he tries to pin the blame on the others. Soon the tables devolve into "He did it!" and "She did it!" for at least 5 minutes before the mayor tossed them all into jail.

Lord Thurlvin
2010-01-06, 07:12 PM
3E. The party is engaged in battle with a bodak and some vampire spawn in a fortress.
Wizard: (After rolling a high knowledge check) Don't look at the bodak! It's gaze can kill!
Paladin: I attack the bodak!
Me: Since your eyes are closed you have a 50% miss chance.
Paladin: What? My eyes aren't closed!
Me: So you're looking at the bodak?
Paladin: Uhh... Not directly.
Me: (Referring to DMG rules about gaze attacks) Alright, then you have a 50% chance of accidentally looking into its eyes.
Paladin: Ha!
Me: (Rolls %dice)... And you do. Make a Fortitude save.
Paladin: Ha! That's my best save! (Rolls a 2)
Me: You die.

gibbo88
2010-01-06, 07:24 PM
My group has been doing The Tomb for the last couple of sessions, and in this last one we came across a Gelatinous Cube (not that we knew what it was) in a jar/vat. Myself, the Cleric and the Psion stood on the other side of the room while the Paladin and Rogue attacked it for five rounds. The Paladin mightily smote it with flame and the Rogue dumped five daggers into it. After the five rounds the Paladin tipped the vat over out onto the ground and the ooze it didn't move.

Cleric: It could have been dead the whole time....
Paladin: Did you know?
DM: It died in the first round...
*Group laughter*

Graywolf
2010-01-06, 08:37 PM
Okay, my most recent one was in a 3.5 campaign and involved the following party:

Serle: Human Fighter w/ chainmail and a Greatsword (My character)
Naara: Wood Elf Fighter w/ Bone Armor and a Fullblade
Than: High Elf Rogue with a longbow
Diedre: Human witch (From a third party supplement)
Jagd: Human Ranger/Scout also with a longbow.

The party is third level, but has managed to acquire a couple of relatively powerful magic items.

Now, we had pretty much been fighting owlbears pretty much exclusively this session, meaning we got slapped around a lot before we managed to put one down, and toward the end of the session our characters were getting a bit cranky. Now Jagd was a Chaotic Neutral character with definite evil tendencies and was, in addition, a jerk. He and My own Character Serle (Who is Lawful Good) had been butting heads for the last few sessions, but this session, I had gotten a break because he had started butting heads with Naara (Who's Chaotic Good).

We had just finished off yet another owlbear, when we were informed that there were two owlbear cubs off in the corner. A few things seemed to happen at once at that point. I turned and started to walk away down the corridor, Naara and Diedre paused for a second (I believe there were failed knowledge checks involved) and Than made his knowledge check and declared that owlbear cubs would probably be worth a good deal of money to a local wizard. This all happened as Jagd pulled and fired an arrow, killing the first owlbear cub.

Now Jagd had actually crafted his bow, it was masterwork, and mighty (to whatever his strength bonus was) and as we found out later, Jagd actually cared for it more than any member of our party.

So when Naara, enraged by Jagd's callous disregard for life turned around and sundered his bow, Jagd became rather enraged himself. Enough so That he pulled out one of those powerful magic items I mentioned before, A staff of Necromancy, and centered a Circle of Death upon us.

One Use Magic Device roll and a GM Ruling involving caster level later, we made saves. Naara and I both beat the target number of the save, Than and Diedre were 45 feet away from us, just outside the radius of the spell, (A great relief to Than as he thought he had to save too and had failed his save) and Jagd... rolled a 1

And thus ends the tale of Jagd, who tried to kill our party but only ended up killing himself.

MoriHikari
2010-01-06, 09:56 PM
My player tried to hit on Tiamat.

yes. THAT Tiamat. the queen of all chromatic dragons.

o.0 that is made of win!

now for my newest story.

we just finished a 4e game (the same group with the bra of holding). we were at the final game, you know just wrapping stuff up. well for us the was a tournamat to defend the honor of one of our characters. It was supposed to be an easy straight forward fight. our four best fighters (four 30th level characters) against the offenders four best fighters (four 10th level characters)in an arena type match that the whole kingdom was going to attend. Game set match, right? wrong.

the first fight goes of without a problem, as doess the second(in fact I took the dude out in one blow), then it gets to one of the characters, eubetha's turn(played by the bra of holding characters player.) Now eubetha is really small and the guy she was facing was like 8 feet tall and 400 pounds...yeah a big guy. so she panics and declares such:
eubetha: "there's no way I can take him hand to hand so I'm going to pull out my special bag of holding."
DM: "ok...and?"
Eubetha: "well there should be about 500,000 coins in there...a mixure of platinum and gold, so I'm going to dump it on him!"
DM: "Um...are you sure?"
well to say the least she did it...buried the poor guy under the pile of riches...and then the people of the kingdom attacked. they swarmed onto the feild almost killing all of us, killing the guy under the pile, and 76 other citizens....thats right a mob riot...they only stopped after our plantinum dragon friend we had rescued showed up and scared them all.

Anuan
2010-01-06, 10:40 PM
*snip*

This is amazing. Absolutely amazing <3

cleric_of_BANJO
2010-01-06, 10:55 PM
Alright I have a lot of stories, most of them are not mine, but a friend of mine's stories from a past game (with different players). Now, before I begin, I have to explain that these things happened to very, VERY new DnD players, and are a result of lack of experience, not from stupidity. Well, not ONLY from stupidity.

Also, all of these stories are from 3ed/3.5.

- A party, containing a new player playing a Paladin, are trying to get into a castle in a foreign city. The Paladin was recently told of what the code of conduct is, and is still trying to work out how to run a paladin without ruining the campaign. Well, didn't work out so well. A guard asks the paladin what his business is, and he promptly answers: "I'm here to murder the queen."

- A party is trying to get through a locked gate, but there are no rogues, so lock-picking is out of the question. There is one player in the party who everyone loves to pick on, and DnD is the best place to do it. The party gang up on, hold him down and tie him up. Then, they proceed to use his head as a battering ram. Well, at least they got the gate open...

- A party of all new players is on their first mission (DM is relatively new as well). The mission is to explore an uncharted area of a map and find a rainbow-colored mountain, kill a bunch of gnolls doing rituals there, and bring back proof that the mountain exists. The Wizard doesn't quite grasp the idea of evidence, so he says he wants to draw a picture of the mountain to use as proof. He doesn't have paint, a canvas, or even enough parchment to draw on. Still, he doesn't hesitate, and takes off his rope in order to draw on it. He realizes that he has no paint, so he decides to stab himself with a dagger and use his blood as paint. He also decides that his robes are not a proper canvas, so he uses a triangle-shaped rock. As the rest of the party tries to explain that you can't draw a rainbow colored mountain with blood, but our attention is taken away by the monk, who takes this opportunity to steal the wizards robe and throw it off the edge of the mountain. At this point, we are left with a robe-less wizard with a red-painted rock in his hand, and a DM who will have nightmares for years to come.

Dragero
2010-01-07, 04:45 PM
Laughed at the "Bra of holding" story.

Here's mine (well actualy a freinds):

They had just entered a village:

DM: You enter a village. People are working <blah blah blah> Of to the right in a field you see a few farmers. They appear to be sticking fish in the ground-

The partys wizard: HOLY **** THEY HAVE FISH TREE'S!!!!!WANT!

Edit: for those who don't know, native americans stuck fish in the ground to fertalize the ground so the plants would grow better.

Dragon queen
2010-01-10, 12:50 PM
We went to a town somewhere and was told to go to a cave. When we got there were four goblins inside. When I tried to hit one with a spear I missed. I had nothing left except some plums. So then I told my dungeon master I wanted to throw one. He said okay and said I could do 1 point of damage if I hit the goblin. Then I took out my lucky D20 and rolled it. To my surprise I got a natural 20! And it confirmed! The goblin had taken damage before so it was down.

Talon Sky
2010-01-10, 05:09 PM
I did some major DM'ing over Christmas break, both to get my girlfriend accustomed to the game and then playing with my regular group (girlfriend now included).

Okay, first off, gf makes an elf ranger, looking for her father who was a legendary hero. To help her a little, I DM a dwarf companion (who knew her father) and a human bandit whom she spared and roll a nat 20 diplomacy check with.

So, they're in her first 'dungeon', very basic and only containing a few rooms each floor. There's occasional undead, which sucks because I keep botching the rolls to see if the dwarf and human are frightened. They chatter along after the PC, afraid enough to stay back a a ways but brave enough to follow. However, at the end two ghosts appear (not combative) and for giggles I roll the two NPC's reactions. Two nat 1's.

They piss themselves and scream like girls.

The second funny story happened in the middle of the first 'group adventure.' They party is my gf, a Heygoneko (or whatever it's called) Samurai, a dwarf fighter (actual PC, not the dwarf from before), and a halfling rogue. They're in a dungeon fighting four bonedrinkers (nasty things....and awesome). The dwarf gets hit and grappled, and fails his check to throw it off. Several rounds in a row....

It brings him down from 17 Con to 4 before the others realize, "Shoot, we gotta save him!" Luckily they did, and the dwarf hid in the corner for the rest of the battle. They find a Blink Ring, which the Samurai takes.

Finally, at the end of said dungeon. I have a Drow Hexblade/11 in the wings, he's the BBEG of the session. I planned for him to be a reoccurring villain, and even though he had 49 HP I didn't think he'd die....his character had amazing armor and some nice spells. After giving his speech of why he'd been raising dead, the battle begins. I wanted the drow to take, maybe half damage....and run.

First round, the Samurai goes first. He immediately blinks behind the drow, and Iaijutsu's him. Rolls a nat 20, so he succeeds....and a nat 20 to crit. Somehow, someway, he rolled exactly 50 damage....killing my BBEG in one blow.

The table erupted in applause and laughter, and of course, my swearing.

MarvisSahad
2010-01-11, 11:28 PM
Another reason why you'll need soap...

The Roster:
1) Harlen (Me, a Level 5 Nomad Psion, whose only directly offensive power is Baleful Teleport from the Altered Powered list by Garrett Swaim.)
2) Folly (Level 2 Fighter)
3) Cinder (Level 1 Swashbuckler)

My DM sets us up with a classic dungeon delving mission. All the monsters were shadow creatures, and halfway through the dungeon we were very low on health (Me only 8 health, Cinder 5, and Folly 6) and had killed an excess of 10 of these things without any magical healing aids.

(In fact, we had absolutely NO MAGICAL ITEMS whatsoever since the DM started us all in a poor village that survives within a forest rife with TOXIC AIR by means of constantly searching for "Elminster's Beard", which was a kind of moss, in order to make anti-toxin. How the town was started in such an abysmal place is beyond me.)

Anyhoo, back in the cave, we came across a doorway that intersected with the hallway we were in. My psycrystal had already told me that further down the same hallway there were at least several more Shadows waiting for us. I, not wanting to have my party sneaked up from behind as we entered the doorway, decided to take out my bar of soap in order to make a 2nd rate trap out of the most basic of resources...

After raiding the room beyond the doorway, I come back to the edge of my trap, throw a thunder stone down the hallway to flush out the monsters, and wait as the shadows run and slip on my soapy-pee. To my laughter, one of the shadows slams into a wall, the other slips onto its back, and the third has its arms blown off I critical on my Baleful Teleport's touch attack. The rest are hacked down as Cliff and Folly take advantage of them being prone (FYI, I left the soap bar behind after that).

I know that shadows probably shouldn't slip on anything, let alone soapy-pee, but I'm glad I did it anyway. Role-playing pays folks, especially if you're of chaotic alignment!

amaranth69
2010-01-13, 09:02 PM
Ok, here is a funny story. While DMing a campaign with the Menzoberannzan box set, one of the PCs was playing a Fighter/Mage/Thief. He was around tenth level. I had placed a magical trap that reversed the victim's alignment, not really expecting it to affect anyone in the party. Well, he missed his find traps, the spell penetrated his magic resistance, AND he failed his saving throw! Luckily for him, I was nice and just had it change his alignment to chaotic good, not lawful. Still, he did not think that was so nice. Hehe. Then there was the trap that triggered a superior magnetism effect while simultaneously releasing a secret door to a room containing rust monsters. LOL

Lioness
2010-01-14, 05:34 AM
Today, we got to the final bit of the campaign. For the final thing, the PCs had to disrupt a whole herd of bison, and preferably make them stampede.

They used the 10 pints of oil the barbarian randomly had to:

Set three fires around the nearby camp, just because
Set three bison on fire
And to set a bed, which they had carried with them for a little while, on the back of the barbarian (because he's super tank) on fire as well, just because they could.

The bed then exploded, scared the bison, and created the necessary diversion.

Graywolf
2010-01-14, 05:08 PM
Alright, my first session in a 4th edition campaign, we came upon a library. Now my Eladrin wizard, being you know a wizard, went to inspect one of the bookshelves, as did a few other party members.

That was when the zombies hiding behind the bookshelves in the library, pushed them over onto us. They got two party members with that trick, our sword and board fighter, who wasn't really hurt by the bookshelf, but did spend a good three turns trapped under it, and me naturally. Thanks to fey step, I didn't really spend any time trapped under the book shelf, however half my hit points did disappear when the thing landed on me.

To this day my group keeps saying "Remember that time when you were bloodied by a bookshelf?"

FuegoAzul
2010-01-15, 03:36 AM
We were questing in these catacombs, and there was this door and beyond it was an ocean. We opened it, stupidly enough, and the corridor began flooding. So we fell back to the lever which closed it, and were attacked by these Rat-people. Our warrior stayed behind at the crank as we fell back, and his plan was to let the water up to his feet, drowning them. Then, he turned and walked off without pulling the crank. To this day no one knows why. Apparently there was some miscommunication. So the entire tunnel system was flooding behind us and it was completely his fault. We later plugged it with this dumb, giant millipede we stumbled upon and mind controlled. It was a good use for it.

Zom B
2010-01-15, 11:13 AM
My girlfriend at the time lived in a spare room at my parents' house, and she was the DM of our gaming group. The party was:

Roondar (Me, Gnome Illusionist)
Elnias (I think) (Half-elf Monk)
Hruntrig (Dwarven Barbarian)
Min (Human Cleric)

We went through some situation where my character ended up getting a Staff of Fire and the love and adoration of some nymph-type creature. The player playing Hruntrig asked why he (me) got all the good stuff. The player playing Elnias leaned over and whispered, "He's sleeping with the DM."
Hruntrig's player looked horrified. All this time, he thought we were brother and sister.

Alindorn
2010-01-16, 05:59 PM
I'm a bard in a party that also contains a drunken halfling warlock, a stripping avenger, and a pyromaniac artificer. On our way to the main city, we stayed overnight at a stereotypical inn/pub. As long as we were there, we thought we'd make a little money by putting on a show. The stripping avenger did her thing, I played my lute, and the warlock danced around. We all rolled very well, so the audience was loving it and we were making some good money. Well, the artificer thought our show needed a little more fire, so he sent off a fireball for some excitement. In a wooden building. Well, he rolled a nat 20 for it, and so set the whole building on fire and the party had to escape both the collapsing firey building but also the angry people whose bar we destroyed. So much for side cash...

Dragero
2010-01-17, 08:55 PM
Just DM`d my 1st game yesterday.....SOOOOO many funny moments.

The party:

Ezio the human Chaos Paladin (paladin that has to cause chaos once a week or he loses his paladin-ship)

Eragon the Human Fighter, Owner of Gorlath (see below)

Greg, The classless Gnome (Basicly The Angel on their shoulder) He get bullied a lot, cause he never does anything usefull. Controled by me.

GORLATH THE DESTROYER!: A Inteligent head band (talking headband) that yells things out at the worst times. ("OK, where gonna sneak up behind this guy"
"FIGHT HIM YOU COWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!")
He`s cursed, so Eragon can't take him off. (basicly the dominate Devil on their shoulder)
(My players Cannot make up good names)

1.
The party was in an inn. A zombie is outside Ezio`s door. Ezio Tackles the door, rolls a natural 20. The door flys off it`s hinges, smashing the zombie into Eragons door. Eragon, wanting to look cool, trys the same thing. Natural 1. The tackles the door, instead of knocking it down, He gets a huge sliver in his arm, causing him to lose use of his left arm for a few hours until they found a good healer.

2. After killing all the zombies in the inn, they raid the attached bar. They find 81 bottles of wine that I planned for them to sell. They put the bottles in their bag of holding. Later, they steal a boat, and are fighting a zombie controled boat. They fire the cannon a few times, then, to my surprise, stuff some of the dead sailors rags into the wine bottles, light them on fire, and toss them at the zombie ship. The bombarded a ship full of zombies with moltov cocktails.......

3. After while, their ship is steered into a ton of rocks, while greg is driving. They salvage NOTHING exept the ships cannon and about 15 cannon balls. These go into the BOH. Later in the adventure, Ezio befreind an elephant, to use as a mount. When they return to town, he orders a custom saddle with a flat area to hold "supplies". He places the saddle (platform realy...) on the elephants back. He nails down the cannon to the platform.....they now have mobile artilary......

4. (Before the elephant cannon) They come across a cabin in the woods. Scared of what might be inside, they place the cannon in front of the door. Gorlath shouts "FIRE YOU COWARDS!!!" and takes cOntroll of Eragons body, making him fire the cannon.

Who was inside? An old man and his two children. The old man and 1 child where killed in the blast. They coupe de grace the other child out of pitty.

Kurien
2010-01-17, 09:10 PM
First of all, that headband is a bastard.

Second, I'm pretty sure that wine isn't inflammable, because it is composed mostly of water. Only some other spirits with a very high alcohol content, like 80% or more, would have worked in a molotov cocktail.

Are Chaos Paladins good or evil?

Lycan 01
2010-01-17, 09:16 PM
Rule of Cool. :smallwink:


Wait, they Coup de Graced a child?! :smalleek:

Dragero
2010-01-17, 09:36 PM
Well a chaos paladin is chaotic evil, hence the child`s coupe de grace.

And it wasn`t realy "wine". It was the taverns special brew, but we just called it super wine.

And yeah, gorlath is mean....

Greystone
2010-01-17, 11:11 PM
So I was playing RPGA Living Force, Star Wars a couple years ago with my Gungan soldier, named Captain Marsune. So I am playing and we get to this corporation we have to sneak into. I had recently aquired a masterwork disguise kit.

Me: Hey, can I use this disguise kit to make me look like a security guard?

The entire table bursts out laughing, and my one friend says that he can 'just imagine a Gungan with a big handlebar mustache saying "Mesa work here for ten years"

They settle down, and we finish the adventure. Next convention, my frind had made a picture of a gungan with the mustache. This gets hilarious as a couple people know my character from playing with me.

My friend soon is accepted as an RPGA module writer. He and a couple of his buddies write my character into no less than three other modules.

Two of them in Living Arcanis and one in Living Forgotten Realms. He is really just a camo NPC, usually a hard working ships captain who has a large handlebar mustache and has 'worked on the docks for ten years..."

Lupy
2010-01-18, 12:42 AM
Our Party in a 4e game:

Mindartis (Eladrin Wizard)
Corric (Elven Ranger)
Rhogosh (Dragonborn Pally)
Arthur (Human Warlord)
Narc Shmoff (Halfling Fighter)
John (Tiefling Warlock) [sometimes]

In our setting Eladrin rule over Elves, who are treated a lot like blacks under Apartheid, so there's a huge amount of tension between our forgiving Elf and a-hole Eladrin. The Eladrin is normally the leader. Rhogosh is a doormat. Arthur is a coward who hides with his stealth boosting items even though he's almost as good a tank as Rhogosh. Narc is mentally retarded, and the comic relief. He usually takes out a minion in the whole fight. John's player is at college, so he only plays with us on breaks. John terrifies the others and usually helps them out of some dire situation.

---

So the party is in a dungeon. They're at a fork and need to know which way to go, Corric is the only scout, so he goes left. There's a pair of enchanted repeating crossbows that open up on him when he's between them, trapping him. Narc runs in and triggers a jet of fire that incapacitates him. Rhogosh runs through a hail of bolts, grabs Corric, and then runs back out. Meanwhile Mindartis has made a tensers floating disk, forced Arthur onto it, and is flying him towards Narc to help him. Due to his incredible carefulness, he bashes Arthur into the ceiling and Rhogosh has to go get him.

Later that session, everyone's healed up. They come to a room where the doors lock behind them and sand pours in through the windows. There is a ledge up above with a control panel visible, it consists of a red button and a green button. They throw Narc up and shout "GREEN!" at him over and over, but he pounds red. The walls start closing in. He hits red again, spikes come out of the walls. He hits red again, a fireball goes off. Luckily Corric scaled the wall and hit green enough to make all the traps disable and the doors unlock.

A later session. They're in a town, questioning a suspicious person. John orders Rhogosh to hit him every time he lies, which angers Corric. They argue and he and Arthur leave. Mindartis makes Corric wet himself with prestigiditation. Corric and Arthur go into an adjacent building and throw things down through a window at Mindartis. Arthur shoots at him with a grappeling hook and tangles him. The prisoner escapes when Mindartis is pulled out the window and left dangling in mid-air, with Corric and Arthur barely holding him up.

Various times: While riding along in the woods Mindartis will use prestigiditation to make Arthur or Corric wet themselves.

Our last session: The final showdown of the dungeon, the party is level 5. Rhogosh charges the elite demon (level 5), while Mindartis cleans up the undead. Corric is trying to hold off the reinforcements, Narc is dueling one minion for his life, and Arthur decides to stealth himself, sit down, and eat lunch. Rhogosh is getting pwned by the demon, he's down to 1/4th health, and the demon is only bloodied. Rhogosh's player is getting all mad at Arthur's player (they sit next to each other) and tells him to play or leave. He throws a bottle of vinegar at the demon, crits, and blinds it.

Katana_Geldar
2010-01-18, 12:45 AM
Rule of Cool. :smallwink:


Wait, they Coup de Graced a child?! :smalleek:

Meh, I once critted one on a Sneak Attack.

Bulwark
2010-01-22, 10:34 PM
I once played with a rogue that would ONLY use diplomacy. If diplomacy failed, he was either already dead or fleeing. Managed to be the most useless in our group of all newbies
My favorite example:
DM: you are approached by a pack of wolves. they look very hungry
Rogue: I use diplomacy!
DM: The wolves patiently listen to your argument. They wage the Pros and Cons of said argument, and bite you in the neck

MoriHikari
2010-01-23, 11:40 AM
I once played with a rogue that would ONLY use diplomacy. If diplomacy failed, he was either already dead or fleeing. Managed to be the most useless in our group of all newbies
My favorite example:
DM: you are approached by a pack of wolves. they look very hungry
Rogue: I use diplomacy!
DM: The wolves patiently listen to your argument. They wage the Pros and Cons of said argument, and bite you in the neck

heh...thats awsome!

my newest story comes from a starwars campaign I'm part of

In this game there's one paticular character that its about. Our kushiban scout. She is like 10 inches tall...very, very small and looks like a bunny rabbit.
well our frirst encounter of the game we're trying to hold our positions against a boarding party. all of the rest of the party are firing blasters and working on blocking the door. well this little kushiban has not had anyone paying attention to her...we thought she was just a pet...so she suddenly grabbed a hand blaster and wasted one of the borders. we all gaped at the bunny rabbit looking thing in amazement as she took out people with a gun almost as big as she is..

she has therefore earned the name blaster bunny
and my character is scared to death of her.

Dennisfantasy40
2010-01-24, 09:53 PM
Last night was the first session in a new campaign for our group. There's four of us:
A human wizard female who happens to be a princess out to find magical items and power to gain the strength to save her kingdom.
A human fighter based on Leonidas from 300 with a roman type helmet, pike and bearskin cloak who's honor bound to be the wizard's bodyguard.
Myself, an elf thief with a certain notoriety in our starting town.
A halfling thief who's my character's apprentice.

The campaign starts with the wizard and fighter coming into town and my apprentice and I immediately make their acquaintance, hoping to rob them blind because they stick out like a sore thumb. While arranging to meet them later at the Inn to discuss showing them around town, the halfling steals the wizard's coin purse leaving only 1 gold between the wizard and fighter.

As we're going our separate ways for the afternoon I challenge the halfling to take a crap in the fighter's helmet later and if he succeeds then he can keep all the gold in the coin purse.

Later I've arranged for a large meal and a suite at the Inn for the wizard and fighter in order to give us a chance to rob them and hopefully give my apprentice the chance to win the bet. We eventually sneak up to the suite and I pick the lock to the door. Although opening it knocked a shield placed by the door over, neither the wizard or fighter woke up. The sound does convince the halfling to run like hell to our safe house.

Not being deterred I go into the room and decide to crap in the helmet myself before stealing the expensive looking shield that fell. Sure enough the sound of me taking a crap was able to wake up the fighter who was within reach of me.

After being punched in the face by the fighter my response before running like hell was "Shouldn't you be wearing your helmet?" I wasn't able to get far considering my pants were around my knees and eventually the fighter, who happens to sleep naked, charged in front of me in an attempt to tackle that missed and forced me to double back. I dove through the window on this second story suite failing my tumble check and taking more damage. The fighter grabbed his pike, dove after me and rolled a nat 20 landing perfectliy on his feet.

After getting spells tossed at me by the now awake wizard and running another turn, the fighter trips me with his pike and knocks me out. Our first session ended with myself being arrested for being a thief and the fighter being arrested for public nudity.

Lioness
2010-01-27, 06:01 AM
This didn't quite happen in a D&D game, but is funny nonetheless

Today at lunchtime a whole group of us were sitting around a table (Three of us D&Ders, the others most emphatically not). One of the non D&Ders yells out 'What do you do when a random monster attacks you!?' and one of the D&D players screams 'ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!'

bahahaha.

Pyrian
2010-01-27, 08:21 AM
Indeed! (http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2006/8/23/) :smallcool:

MachineWraith
2010-02-01, 11:54 PM
Hello, new poster here :)

My first D&D campaign ever was 3.5E, and wasn't really much of a campaign, it was just my buddy throwing a bunch of monsters at the party so we could all the get the hang of how to play. You see, the DM had never DM'ed before, and was just doing it to teach us how to play.

The party consisted of:
-Caelan, an elf Druid, played by my friend. Caelan was a selfless character (as you'll see), and always put the needs of the forest first, party second, self last.

-Torren, a minotaur fighter, played by my younger brother. He's built to charge into combat with his double-bladed sword and become a living blender. Dumb as a rock, but almost invincible and hard-hitting as heck.

-Jace, a human sorceror, played by me. He had a lot of utility spells, but only a few that were useful in combat. As such, my combat routine was fairly simple, but usually effective.

We were all level ten. The DM decided it would be funny to party wipe us, since it wasn't a real campaign, and threw us up against three elder earth elementals.

I immediately launched into my routine; namely, I cast fly on myself, got out of reach, and prepared to rain Disintegrate spells. The druid cast, I think, Wind Walk on his dire wolf animal companion, riding it up into the sky. The minotaur, as always charged headlong (none of us knew how nasty these things were).

The minotaur got some solid hits in, then was promptly bashed into the negatives. I had no way of healing him, and was frantically searching my spell list for something to do, but I'm about 80 feet in the air, and the druid is above even me. Both my brother and I were basically assuming he was dead. Then the druid's turn comes up. He says, "I'm right over (the minotaur), right?" "Yeeeesss," respends the DM hesitantly. "I jump off my wolf."

The DM, who is a math whiz, does some computing in his head, and comes up with 250ft as the height from which the druid falls.

*SPLAT*

He lands, with ONE HP remaining. He remains prone, and proceeds to poke the minotaur with his biggest cure spell. The minotaur stands up, makes an attack with power attack at full penalty, and crits, totaling to just over 50 dmg. Massive damage.

The DM laughs, "Ha, he'd have to roll a one to..." *rolls a 1* "I don't f***ing believe it."

I use Finger of Death. Fort save, "No way that's gonna happen again." *rolls another 1* "MOTHERF***ER!*

The remaining elemental pounds the minotaur into the negatives again, and is then dispatched shortly thereafter with disintegrate.

It took my three days to travel the four hours back into town :D

The DM realized later that the crit shouldn't have happened, and retroactively ruled that we were all dead. Jerk :smallannoyed:

Zom B
2010-02-02, 11:54 AM
Metanach, my once-frail Enchantment specialist wizard turned Batman wizard, ended up killing two party members in his re-debut.

We came across a hallway, and at regular intervals there were strange symbols on the floor. I cast Summon Monster I and send a celestial monkey down the hallway. It triggers the Symbol of Death, and the Symbol happens to take out two party members, since the monkey only absorbed 4 of the hit point pool.

Dragero
2010-02-02, 05:21 PM
Wow that kinda stinks Zom B, NEVER TRUST A MONKEY!!!

Waffle Iron
2010-02-02, 11:39 PM
Okay, my third game ever:

*I am an Elf Rouge named That Elf Guy and I had found the "Bag of the Improvisor". Our sorcerer/whatever he is tells me that there is a small chance that I might pull out an explosive and immediatly kill myself.
"Okay," I thought "Then we should get a minstrel to follow us around and pull stuff out of the bag so we don't get killed!"
"That's a great idea!" He says.

So, we look around and see this old man standing there. My friend (sorcerer/whatever he is) tries to explain that we want to hire him. Oh, and did I mention he has 5 charisma? While he's trying to explain the old man yells
"Argh, you be tryin' to steal me lucky charms!" and proceeds to stab my friend in the neck, getting a critical and knocking him unconscious. I had to drag him to the local healer and tell him what happened.
He replies "Oh, yeah, that's crazy Steve! He's not mentally stable..."

*Same game: He tries to talk to a shady stranger in the corner and asks him for quests. The man says buzz off. My friend continues and eventually the shady man pulls out a crossbow and gets a crit on my friend.

*Same game: a dire badger wanders from the forrest and my friend tries to communicate with it. Rolls a one, and gets mauled by the dire badger. I run up and try to attack the badger and I hit my friend. He is knocked into the negatives.

Many bad things happen to him. He is known as death wish.

First game:
We found a cave with kobolts in it. The fighter says "Kill them all!!!" and rushes in and, well, kills them all. We found out later that they were supposed to be part of an overarching story AND was friendly and was supposed to be helping us...

So much for the plot...

ChaosPenguin42
2010-02-08, 06:56 PM
I have had on full game and there was enough hilarious content for about seven games...

First, I was DMing and I run a very loose game play. The two people playing were playing as a Dwarven Cleric and a "Teddybear" sorcerer... Yeah... I know...

We went into the dungeon and they came out with some money, with it, they decided to buy things, while the Dwarf was buying his stuff, the bear decided to steal a monocle... he succeded...

Second, they both decided they needed mounts... The teddybear, too small to buy a horse or riding dog, got a riding... Chiwahwah... named sprikles... He went to steal it from an old lady, but the dog thought he was a chew toy and attacked him... Eventually, he secceded and has a Small riding dog...

Then he decided that he needed to seduce everything in the dungeon, but fails every time...

Finally, they go back into the dungeon and I read them the scene... That there are broken weapons and dust and some strange liquids on the ground... The team decides that the liquid (random dungeon filler) was useful and put it in a jar and take it back to town. They find a farmer and try to sell it to him. The bear with a large Charisma skill says that he will try to sell it...

Bear: I try to sell it to the cabbage farmer...
Me: Roll it.
Bear: *Rolls 13* plus a charisma modifier of about 4 or 5
Me: *Shakes head* The farmer is intrigued by your strange liquid, he wonders what it does. Roll again.
Bear: *Rolls 15*
Me: *Facepalm* You tell the farmer that it is ale, but an EXOTIC ale, and very rare... The farmer buys it for... *rolls a 19* 300 gold...

lols were had by all...

Andrath
2010-02-09, 12:47 PM
A loooong time ago in a land far far away (ok, maybe like 7 years ago), my dad was DMing with his friends. Said friends were about 6th or 7th level if I recall correctly. Now, this was a group of like 8, so they were all just demolishing everything. They were tasked with this thing to go and wipe out this tribe of gnolls, bout 20 of them.

Now since they're just gnolls, when the group gets to the camp they decide to fly right in without killing anyone on their magic carpet. With roughly 15 gnolls trailing them, they hop off the carpet to kill the chief and his shaman. Thing is, the chief was a level 9 barbarian and his shaman was a level 9 priest.

Priest cast unholy blight which does some insane damage and knocks the two casters into the negetives, thief and druid to about 1/4 hp, but the barbarian, the fighter, the ranger, and the cleric were at more than 1/2 hp. Now, Mr. "I can kill anything" the ranger decides to wade into melee with the barbarian, who promptly crits him for 68 and kills him.

Druid heals himself and one caster, thief drinks a healing potion, the revived caster luckily gets a good heal check and stabalizes the other caster. Well, until they get hit with another unholy blight. 1 caster dead, thief dead, healed caster dying, druid about 4 hp left, barbarian and fighter with about 20hp each, and the ranger cut in 2.

Needless to say, things weren't going so well. Gnoll barbarian goes wham to the fighter, cleave into the barbarian, dropping both into negetives. druid was like "F this" and grabbed the flying carpet to take off, only to be hit with a grit by the gnoll priest's sling and dropping him from the sky. So, cleric being the last one, calls upon his god for aid. And then divine hammer of wrath blasty holy thing kills all the baddies, while raising the dead party members.

Session ended at that. My dad says to them "You couldn't have been just a little more stealthy huh? Had to fly right in there. Well guess what, i think i'll make those guys reacurring if they took you down that easy." Everyone feared unholy blight after that session, and next time everyone rolled neutral.

Andrath
2010-02-09, 01:16 PM
There was a more recent event in the last session we played (sadly haven't been able to play for like 6 months now). Our group is supposed to be a freakshow since we were formerly slaves from a circus (we bought ourselves out after one of our dm's screwed up the loot table for the dungeon and it gave us all this freakish loot. got like 12 million GP and there was a 4 page sheet of gear.)

Cast is: (and just using players name, can't remember all the char names)
Me- Drow ranger2/fighter5
Phil- Human psionic9
Chris- (wierd bird thing) sorcerer8
Teresa- (cat thing) ranger 9
Short- changeling rogue8 (char name is dirk, short for dirkagiglion)
Steve- Dueregar cleric8/fighter1
Ken (my dad, dming this time)- human rhonin9 (he started off as a thri-keen monk, but he pulled at least 60 damage per round and we took him out)

Now, we were on a wierd world which we got trapped on after going through Hell, and we can't find a way back (ok, i know what to do, but i can't tell anyone). At the time, we were in a forest heading the opposite way i told them to go (come on, i live with the DM, take my advice seriously).

It was night, and we were going to rest, so chris conjurs a Leemand's Tiny Hut (i think thats what its called), which is invisible to everyone thats not in the group. So, we all go in to rest for the night, only to be awakened later by spider-goblins. Now, they couldn't see us, but we could see them. I, being the ranger/fighter I am, pull out my bow and proceed to attack them.For some reason the hut allows thing from the inside to go out without interference so it appeared that the arrows were coming out of mid air.

Needless to say, the group of goblins were surprised, and I took two out in the first round, one in the second with the second one i shot being imparied. The one untouched goblin makes a run for it. Our dueregar dislikes all goblins, so he runs out there in his full plate and clobbers the one lying on the ground and gives chase to the runner. He almost catches the runner, but it sweres around a seemingly clear area. Blundering dwarf runs right through it, only to fal down into a concealed pit and get stabbed in the @$$ with the metal spikes down there. Oh, he realizes after the DM tells him to make a spot check that the spikes are serrated.

Here the hilarity begins. 12 ft pit, 5ft dwarf. After extracting himself, he tries to find handholds in the sides, and with being a dwarf, he finds a few. About half way up, he loses grip and falls, impaling himself one the spikes with his rear end once again. Once more pulling himself up, he tries an enlarge person, bringing himself up to 10ft tall. Now, he tries to jump. rolls nat 20 on his jump check, and even in the full plate manages to grab the edge of the pit. Just as hes pulling himself up, DM tells him to roll a d20. He rolls a 5. Suddenly, the earth gives way around him and he tumbles tucus first into the pit. Ouch, again.

Finally, he gets a bright idea. His god is like the son of Moradin, or some such thing, and he gets earth as one of his domains. One of his spells allows him to tunnel through dirt. Being tired of trial and failure, he uses that to dig himself out of the pit. Once he returns, everyone has a smile, and one player decides to do a bit of meta gaming and says "Ow, you're looking a little butt-hurt." We all got a laugh out of it. He took 36 points of damage through all of the falling, and luckily he was the only one who could heal, and therefor did not have to reveal his embarrasing predicament.