Lame Jokes in the Playground

[d'Bwobsling]

So as the forum is packed with terrible jokes, I figured it might me a good idea to start a thread on them. With 30,000+ members here there's bound to be some truely awfull one out there

[tribble]

whats soft and white for an Asian person?
Rice.

[Staven]

What did one cat at the vet say to the other cat at the vet?

Meouch.

[Tingel]

whats soft and white for an Asian person?
Rice.

I don't get it.

[Don Julio Anejo]

ER room. An emo kid who tried to commit suicide for the 10th time by cutting slitting his wrists is brought in. The doctor looks over him and says:

"Okay, first I'm going to disinfect the wounds. Then I'm going to bandage them. And after that I'm going to show you how to hold the knife so I don't have to see you here again."

[Bitzeralisis]

Yo mama is so clumsy, she tripped.

Yo mama is so ugly, her face looks weird.

Yo mama is so dumb, she can't tell the difference between an atom of oxygen and an atom of nitrogen.

Yo mama is so girly, she's a woman.

Yeah, it goes on forever. And you can do the same with puns.

[Phae Nymna]

A poor clergy raises money from coffers to buy enough paint to paint their church a nice green. Unfortunately, they can't afford enough, so, as they paint the church from bottom to top, they have to keep thinning the paint with water, and when they finish, they go from dark to medium to light to lighter to near white green. Then, all of a sudden, rain pours down from the heavens washing all the paint of the church. Then, the clouds part and the mighty voice of their god rings out,

"Repaint! Repaint! And Thin no More!"

(Sorry, I had to shorten this A LOT. It was originally a shaggy dog story that my Class Dean told me. :smallconfused:)

[Don Julio Anejo]

A guy walks into a bar and says:

"Ouch!"

[Durp]

So an elephant and a kraken walk into a restaurant. the elephant orders a salad, and the kraken orders kalamari. they get their meals, and as the kraken eats, he starts crying. the elephant asks, why are you crying? and the kraken says, I'm eating my mother... and she's delicious.

[Don Julio Anejo]

So an elephant and a kraken walk into a restaurant. the elephant orders a salad, and the kraken orders kalamari. they get their meals, and as the kraken eats, he starts crying. the elephant asks, why are you crying? and the kraken says, I'm eating my mother... and she's delicious.
Of course this has another, much more disturbing meaning :biggrin:

[TigerHunter]

A guy walks into a bar and says:

"Ouch!"
My dad uses this one.

Every. Single. Day.

[Hlaine Larkin]

Two peanuts walked down the street - one was assaulted.

A Jewish Rabbi, a Catholic Priest and an Islamic Preacher walk into a bar - and nothing happened.

[Sneak]

A termite walks into a bar and asks,

"Is the bar tender here?"

[Don Julio Anejo]

{scrubbed - If you doubt something is appropriate - don't post it.}

[Phae Nymna]

^I AM LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW ITA SORT HARD TO TYPE

OH MY GOD

LMAO

ROTFLOL

WOAH

*ahem*

That really sorta made me laugh there...

Unfortunately, that could be taken as political/offensive. So, in your best interest, I'd recommend taking it down. :smallfrown: I wish it was alright...

[DraPrime]

The cake is a lie.

[bibliophile]

A monestary was short on cash, so the friars decided to sell flowers to raise money. Everyone bought their flowers, angering the local florist. He asked them to stop, but they refused. So the florist hired the village tough, Hugh, to make them an offer they couldn't refuse. Hugh smashed their stand, and beat them up, ending their flower sales.

The Moral of this story? Hugh, and only Hugh, can stop florist friars.

[Firestar27]

Two peanuts walked down the street - one was assaulted.

A Jewish Rabbi, a Catholic Priest and an Islamic Preacher walk into a bar - and nothing happened.

Cite your sources. That first one was from Monty Python.



A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this? A Joke?"

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister are in a bar, discussing what they would like people to say at their funerals. The priest says that he wants people to say that he was a kind person, who was always compassionate to people. The minister says that he wants people to say that he always helped resolve disputes in his community, and helped everyone get along. The rabbi then says, "I want people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'".

That last one wasn't that lame. It was actually pretty good, but I felt I should mention it if we were doing rabbi/priest/minister jokes.

I've always heard the jokes as rabbi/priest/minister, not rabbi/priest/preacher. But that's just me and the people to tell me jokes.

[Icewalker]

There are two muffins in an oven. One says "Man, it's getting really hot in here." The other one says "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"

[Phae Nymna]

A man walks into a bar. What does he say?

Ouch?

No! He says quack because he was a duck.

[DraPrime]

I got a rabbi/priest/minister joke.

So a rabbi, priest, and minister are discussing which one of them is the best at being a religious leader. So they decide to come up with a challenge to see who's the best. The one to have the most success converting a bear would be the winner. So a week later they meet again to discuss their results. The priest says "I baptized the bear with holy water and gave him the eucharist. He is now of my faith." The minister says "I read him some scripture, and converted the bear. He is now of my faith." They turn to the rabbi, who is covered in bandages and ask him what happened to him. He says "I started with the circumcision..."

[MisterSaturnine]

I got a rabbi/priest/minister joke.

So a rabbi, priest, and minister are discussing which one of them is the best at being a religious leader. So they decide to come up with a challenge to see who's the best. The one to have the most success converting a bear would be the winner. So a week later they meet again to discuss their results. The priest says "I baptized the bear with holy water and gave him the eucharist. He is now of my faith." The minister says "I read him some scripture, and converted the bear. He is now of my faith." They turn to the rabbi, who is covered in bandages and ask him what happened to him. He says "I started with the circumcision..."

This one literally had me laughing aloud. Thank you.

No way I'm posting this one (and besides, it's not funny if it's not in person), but who's heard of the pink ping pong ball joke? It has other names, such as the green golf ball joke.

[Sneak]

This one literally had me laughing aloud. Thank you.

No way I'm posting this one (and besides, it's not funny if it's not in person), but who's heard of the pink ping pong ball joke? It has other names, such as the green golf ball joke.

Yep, I've heard that joke. What a letdown. :smallannoyed: :smalltongue:

Here's another joke.

So, there are two guys sitting in a bar, nursing their drinks and not talking to each other (they are very manly men, obviously :P). Suddenly, one of them announces "I'VE HAD IT!" He gets up, walks over to the window of the bar, and jumps out. Now, this bar just happens to be on top of the Empire State Building, so the second patron of the bar is horrified when this happens. He runs up to the window and looks down towards the pavement, still horrified, but does not see the body of the other man. Suddenly, the first man flies back through the window of the bar, completely unharmed. He brushes off his clothing and nonchalantly takes a seat at the bar again. This, of course, completely bewilders the second patron, who splutters for a few moments before he regains the ability of human speech and says, "Buh—Wuh—How did you do that!?" The first patron looks at him and explains, "Well, you see, there's this really weird vent outside that window. When you jump out, the air catches you and lifts you back up. It's pretty cool, you should try it." The second patron is, understandably, amazed. He takes a few minutes to work up the courage to try this out and then takes a deep breath before running up to the window and jumping out.

And promptly splats on the pavement below. Whoops.

The bartender stops cleaning the glass he was cleaning and looks towards the first patron. "You know, Superman," he says, "you're really a jackass when you're drunk."

[Fan]

Yep, I've heard that joke. What a letdown. :smallannoyed: :smalltongue:

Here's another joke.

So, there are two guys sitting in a bar, nursing their drinks and not talking to each other (they are very manly men, obviously :P). Suddenly, one of them announces "I'VE HAD IT!" He gets up, walks over to the window of the bar, and jumps out. Now, this bar just happens to be on top of the Empire State Building, so the second patron of the bar is horrified when this happens. He runs up to the window and looks down towards the pavement, still horrified, but does not see the body of the other man. Suddenly, the first man flies back through the window of the bar, completely unharmed. He brushes off his clothing and nonchalantly takes a seat at the bar again. This, of course, completely bewilders the second patron, who splutters for a few moments before he regains the ability of human speech and says, "Buh—Wuh—How did you do that!?" The first patron looks at him and explains, "Well, you see, there's this really weird vent outside that window. When you jump out, the air catches you and lifts you back up. It's pretty cool, you should try it." The second patron is, understandably, amazed. He takes a few minutes to work up the courage to try this out and then takes a deep breath before running up to the window and jumping out.

And promptly splats on the pavement below. Whoops.

The bartender stops cleaning the glass he was cleaning and looks towards the first patron. "You know, Superman," he says, "you're really a jackass when you're drunk."

Hmm, I think I've heard a seperate joke based on that before.
here it is.
There was this lady one in a bar in a four story building, she was their because her best freind was having a going away party. While everyone else was drinking she had so far wisely refused all offers. Then a man in a grey suit walked in, and sat down next to her ordering a beer when she looked at him disgustedly he naturally asked why. she told him that she found all beer disgusting, and that anyone who drank i was stupid. the man replied curtly, and told her that it was amgic beer that he was drinking. Now being naturally skeptical of this she asked him to prove it. So after taking aswig of the puig swill he jumped around the building, and flew around it twice. She still being skeptical asked him to do it again, so he did. So, now being confidant enough that he was telling the truth, she took a swig, and jumped out the window collidng against the pavement with a dull thud.
th bartender acutally knowing tghe guy said.
"You know Superman, your a REAL mean drunk."

[Thes Hunter]

Where was the penguin in the cow pasture?


Between the cows butt cheeks.



Why was the penguin in the cow's butt?

Because the cow sat him of course. That's what cows do to penguins!

[shadowxknight]

There are two muffins in an oven. One says "Man, it's getting really hot in here." The other one says "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"

:O Did you get that from Two and a Half Men? :smallwink:

okieokie here's my...rather immature joke.

While three men were traveling on the road, they were waylaid by some bandits. The bandits stripped the three men of valuable belongings and brought them to the secret base.
At the secret base the leader of the bandits asked the three men "Would you rather die, or get kicked in the balls?"
The first man didn't want to die, so he said "Kicked in the balls".
The leader then replied "Drag this man outside and kick him in the balls continuously for an hour."
The bandits held the man down and proceeded to kick him in the balls for an hour. At the end of the hour the man was passed out and foaming out of his mouth.
The leader turned to the second man. "Would you rather die or get kicked in the balls?"
The second man was horrified by what happened to the first man, but he still didn't want to die. "I'd rather be kicked in the balls."
"Drag this man outside and kick him in the balls continuously for two hours."
And thus the second man suffered the same fate as the first man.
At this point the third man was shivering in fear. After the bandits finished with the second man he begged the leader. "Please, don't kick me in the balls. I'd rather die."
The leader gave him an evil smirk "Drag this man out and kick him in the balls until he dies."

...
...
HAHAHAHAHA?

[Don Julio Anejo]

Why it's better to be a man:

*Your ass isn't a factor during a job interview
*Your last name is always the one you got when you were born
*Your friends can be safe knowing you'll never bug the hell out of them with the words "notice anything different?"
*Weddings get mysteriously planned on their own
*You're always in the same mood
*You don't have to fall asleep next to a hairy slob every night
*Chocolate is just a type of candy
*You can wear a white t-shirt to a water amusement park
*Foreplay is optional
*You don't create drama when someone doesn't notice your new haircut
*Car mechanics and IT guys tell you the truth
*Hot wax never reaches your private areas
*Wrinkles just make you look more sophisticated
*You never have to suddenly leave the room to change a maxipad
*People don't stare at your chest when you're talking to them
*You can actually walk in new shoes
*Just because you hate someone as a person, doesn't mean you can't have great sex with them

[Don Julio Anejo]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are trapped on a desert island when they find a lamp with a genie in it. The genie grants each one wish.

The Englishman goes:
"Okay, get me to my favourite bar in London and get me a bottle of your best brandy."

The Scotsman goes:
"Okay, get me to my favourite bar in Edinburgh and get me a bottle of your finest Whiskey."

The Irishman goes:
"Okay, get me a case of Guiness and I want the two blokes back."

[averagejoe]

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face."

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "Has anybody seen my paw?"

[Don Julio Anejo]

What is success?

When you're 4 years old, success is when you don't piss your pants.
When you're 12 years old, success is when you have friends.
When you're 20 years old, success is when you're having sex.
When you're 35 years old, success is when you make lots of money.
When you're 60 years old, success is when you're having sex.
When you're 70 years old, success is when you have friends.
When you're 80 years old, success is when you don't pis your pants.

[Don Julio Anejo]

A girl says to a guy:
"Why don't we be just friends?"
The guy answers:
"Okay, sure. Let's go to a bar, get drunk and pick up some chicks."

[Don Julio Anejo]

A guy straight out of law school is looking for work. He's at a job interview and the HR manager is doing psychological profiling. He shows the prospective lawyer picture of 3 people on a tiny boat, surrounded by sharks and says:

"Here you see three men. The first one doesn't have any weapons - he isn't afraid of the sharks. The second one has a giant machete - in case the sharks attack, he plans to take as many of them as he can. The third one has a giant underwater bazooka. Who do you see yourself as?"
"The third guy, of course," responds the lawyer.
"Well, unfortunately, you're not the man we're looking for. We're looking for employees that see themselves as the sharks."

[H. Zee]

A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says, "Audi!"

(If that's not lame, I don't know what is...)

[Zeebiedeebie]

A monestary was short on cash, so the friars decided to sell flowers to raise money. Everyone bought their flowers, angering the local florist. He asked them to stop, but they refused. So the florist hired the village tough, Hugh, to make them an offer they couldn't refuse. Hugh smashed their stand, and beat them up, ending their flower sales.

The Moral of this story? Hugh, and only Hugh, can stop florist friars.

THAT WAS SO FUNNY! That was hilarious! :smallbiggrin:

[d'Bwobsling]

Two cowboys are sitting on a porch trying to learn how to knit. The first one say to the second, this is the hardest thing I've ever done! The second one says YIKES! a talking cowboy!

[Lemur]

Before I get to the joke, I have a confession to make to the playground. I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a magician of some considerable ability. In fact, just yesterday I drove around the corner and turned into a gas station.

So anyway

Once there was a knight, who although he was quite brave, was a bit strange. While other knights rode horses, he preferred to ride his trusty Great Dane.
One night while traveling he was caught in a violent thunderstorm and sought shelter at a nearby inn. Now this particular innkeeper hated knights and initially refused to give him a room, but when he saw the dog standing there soaking wet, his heart softened.
"I couldn't turn a knight out on a dog like this," he said.

[Thes Hunter]

Why it's better to be a man:
*snip*
*Car mechanics and IT guys tell you the truth
*snip*



As an IT gal, I'll make sure never to tell you the truth. :smallwink:

[DraPrime]

A girl says to a guy:
"Why don't we be just friends?"
The guy answers:
"Okay, sure. Let's go to a bar, get drunk and pick up some chicks."

I plan to do that some day.

[Thes Hunter]

I think if any guy ever said that to me I think my answer would be "Sure!" :smallbiggrin:


@v Here is my logic, if I just want to be friends with the guy, it means I do enjoy hanging out with him. And since I'm not going home with him that night, I see no problem having fun and helping him go home with someone. Besides women eat up that whole competition thing. :smallwink:

[DraPrime]

I think if any guy ever said that to me I think my answer would be "Sure!" :smallbiggrin:

That is...awesome. :smallbiggrin:

[Don Julio Anejo]

I think if any guy ever said that to me I think my answer would be "Sure!" :smallbiggrin:

You would be the coolest not-girlfriend ever! :biggrin:

[Sneak]

How many boring people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

How many indie kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Oh, it's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

[evisiron]

Two molecules are walking down the street when one trips and falls. Getting back up, he says "I think I lost an electron!" The other molecule says "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."

[Mc. Lovin']

Yo mama is so clumsy, she tripped.

Yo mama is so ugly, her face looks weird.

Yo mama is so dumb, she can't tell the difference between an atom of oxygen and an atom of nitrogen.

Yo mama is so girly, she's a woman.

Yeah, it goes on forever. And you can do the same with puns.

Yo mama so fat she has an increased risk of getting heart disease, and other fatal ilnesses.

[Castaras]

This was from me and Lensman.

Lensman: Excuse me, going to go hit my head against the wall.
Me: Knock yourself out.

Yes, that shows how bad our family's puns and jokes get. :smalltongue: It is painful at dinnertimes...

[Exachix]

What do detectives call bread that offers really helpful hints?

Cluedo

100% me =)

[bibliophile]

How many members of an ethnic or social group does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

N+1! One to screw in the lightbulb, and N to act in a sterotypical manner!

(this may have been shamelessly stolen from a certain webcomic artist, but I admit to nothing)

[Burrito]

Super lame joke.......


What did the zero say to the eight?

"Nice belt."


A co-worker told me that, and she starts laughing and laughing whenever that joke gets mentioned.

[UncleWolf]

There are two muffins in an oven. One says "Man, it's getting really hot in here." The other one says "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"

I heard the same joke but with pies instead.

There was a guy. He needed a job so he asked his friend to help him. Since he owed his friend he decides to get him to work on his cattle ranch. First day in he starts by teaching his friend how to castrate a bull. (he is doing this as he is saying it)

"So here is what you do. You take two bricks and you sneak up behind the bull. Then you reach around and smash the bricks together as hard as you can." BAM!!!
"Doesn't that hurt!?"
"No, you keep your thumbs on the outside of the bricks, see?"
:smallbiggrin:

If inappropriate then i will delete it.

[Artemician]

A white bear and a black bear went for a swim. Which bear dissolved?

The Polar Bear

[V Junior]

Hmm, I think I've heard a seperate joke based on that before.
here it is.
There was this lady one in a bar in a four story building, she was their because her best freind was having a going away party. While everyone else was drinking she had so far wisely refused all offers. Then a man in a grey suit walked in, and sat down next to her ordering a beer when she looked at him disgustedly he naturally asked why. she told him that she found all beer disgusting, and that anyone who drank i was stupid. the man replied curtly, and told her that it was amgic beer that he was drinking. Now being naturally skeptical of this she asked him to prove it. So after taking aswig of the puig swill he jumped around the building, and flew around it twice. She still being skeptical asked him to do it again, so he did. So, now being confidant enough that he was telling the truth, she took a swig, and jumped out the window collidng against the pavement with a dull thud.
th bartender acutally knowing tghe guy said.
"You know Superman, your a REAL mean drunk."


I know another version of that.

Two guys have had a bit to drink, and they are standing on a balcony. One says to the other 'Yesterday I found out something weird. If you jump off this balcony, and fall down to the 10th floor, the thermals will scoop you up and put you on the balcony for that floor.' The bartender shakes his head and walks away.
The second guy says 'Liar'. The first says 'Look, I'll prove it.' He jumps off the balcony and falls down to the 10th floor, where the thermals scooped him up and left him on the 10th floor balcony.
When he gets back up to the other guy, the ther guy says 'I want to see that again before I have a go.' So, guy #1 jumps off the balcony again and it happens again. When he gets back up, the other guy wants to have a go. So he jumps off the balcony, and splats against the ground.
The bartender walks over to the first guy, and says 'Superman, you're horrible when you're drunk.'

[Trizap]

how can you tell when a politician is lying?

his lips are moving


how can you tell when you got a good lawyer?

when hes a robot


how can you tell when a insurance salesman is trying to rip you off?

when hes on the job.


how can you tell when you've met a bureaucrat who isn't strict and uptight?

when pigs are flying.


ok, heres a long one.

a French man, a British man, a guy from Texas and a Mexican are on a plane.

The pilot says "we've lost one of our engines! one of you will have to jump off!" the British man volunteers he jumps shouting "For Great Britain!"

a few minutes later the pilot says "another engine is gone! another one will have to jump!" the French guy volunteers he jumps off yelling "Viva La France!!"

a few minutes later the pilot says the same thing again.

the Texas guy shouts "For the Alamo!!" and throws the Mexican off the plane.

[RabbitHoleLost]

Here's a really awful one... that I think hasn't been posted yet.

What do you call a cow with no legs?



Ground beef.

[Innis Cabal]

Where do you find a dog with no legs

Where you left him

[potatocubed]

What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.

There's two fish in a tank and one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What's red and bucket-shaped?
A blue bucket in disguise.

[Nychta]

What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer.

What do you call a blind, lame deer?

Still no eye deer.

[JettWilderbeast]

So A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[CaptainSam]

So, this bloke walks into a pub. Sitting in the corner is a man playing chess with a dog.
"Wow," says the bloke, "Your dog must be really clever!"
"No," replies the man, "I've already beaten him twice."

So, a different man walks into a a different pub with a dog.
"Oi," says the barman, "No dogs allowed."
"But my dog's really clever! He can talk."
"Prove it." Says the barman. The man turns to his dog and says,
"Rover, what's on top of a house?"
"Rooof!" Replies Rover.
"Rubbish," says the barman, "I'll ask him a question. Rover, What's on top of this pub?"
"Rooof!" Says Rover.
"Rubbish," Says the barman, "get out!"
As they walk out of the pub, the dog looks up and says,
"Oh bugger, I didn't realise there was a hairdressers."

Two drums and a cymbal fall down the stairs: Bu-doom, tish!

[mangosta71]

There was a truck driver who made a habit of running over lawyers as he drove past them on the road. He found the thump that doing so made quite enjoyable. One day, he came across a priest having car trouble. He decided to do a good deed, and pulled over to give the priest a ride. As they continued down the road, the truck driver saw a lawyer in the distance. He lined himself up out of habit, then remembered that he had a passenger at the last instant and swerved. Although he was sure that he had missed the lawyer, there was a loud thump. He turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father! I almost hit that lawyer!"
The priest smiled at the driver and said, "Don't worry, my son. I got him with the door."


Sadly, most of the jokes I know are against the forum rules. Seems like all the good ones are racist, sexist, dirty, or some combination of the three.

[Semidi]

Warning: Bad philosophy joke.

A man was walking down the street and noticed Descartes pondering some deep thought. The man said to him, "Hey Rene, want to go have a beer?"

Descartes, being a pious man, replied, "I think not!"

And then the philosopher vanished.

[Hzurr]

Warning: Bad philosophy joke.

A man was walking down the street and noticed Descartes pondering some deep thought. The man said to him, "Hey Rene, want to go have a beer?"

Descartes, being a pious man, replied, "I think not!"

And then the philosopher vanished.

Wow. I feel guilty for laughing at that as much as I did.

[Spiryt]

Two mooses are flying over some land.

The one moose shouts to another:

"Hey, dude, you have a dough in your ear!"

"Hey! dude, you have a dough in your ear!"

And again.

Finally he managed to get the other moose's attention - they looked at each other...

- "Dude, you have a dough in your ear!"

-"What!? Sorry, I can't hear you, I have a dough in my ear."

[EndlessWrath]

So a panda walks into a bar. He gets something to eat, and when he finishes, he pulls out a shotgun and shoots everyone in the bar! The bartender is the only one that doesn't get shot cause he dove behind the bar. After the panda is done, he starts to leave... and the guy says "hey why did you shoot everyone in my bar?" and the panda says "look it up in the dictionary." He leaves and the guy looks up panda under the dictionary and under panda it says "Eats shoots and leaves."

[Exeson]

Three men walk into a bar, one of them is a genius, ones average and one is an idiot, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

[Stormthorn]

Three men walk into a bar, one of them is a genius, ones average and one is an idiot, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

A priest, a rabbi, and a shaman all walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says "wait a sec, i know this one already."

[EndlessWrath]

Horse walks into the bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"

[Sequinox]

Warning: This joke may sound offensive to everyone, but finish it. It is not.

A jew, christian, muslim, hindu, taoist, white guy, black guy, hispanic guy, doctor, nurse, lawyer, teacher, a class of students, an asian guy, random guy, goth, car salesman, judge, british guy, talking chihuahua, cat, ski bum, and a taxi cab driver walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

No one finds it funny...

A man buys a donkey who stops when you say Amen and starts when you say Hallelujah. He starts riding the donkey. Hours later he comes to a cliff. He is going towards it at a very face, and is terrified of falling off. He can't remember the word to get the donkey to stop, so he says his prayers. When he says Amen, the donkey stops right at the edge of the cliff. He sighs a sigh of relief and says "Hallelujah!"

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

[snoopy13a]

Why did the mushroom get invited to all the parties?

Because he was a fungi.

[snoopy13a]

Super lame joke.......


What did the zero say to the eight?

"Nice belt."


A co-worker told me that, and she starts laughing and laughing whenever that joke gets mentioned.

An even lamer joke...

Why was six scared of seven?

Because seven ate nine

[Collin152]

Wow. I feel guilty for laughing at that as much as I did.

Likewise.
I loved that.

[Siosilvar]

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

You stole my joke.

EDIT:
Two guys walk into a bar.


The third guy ducks.


The fourth guy ducks.


The fifth guy gooses.

What? I thought we were playing Duck Duck Goose!

[snoopy13a]

What did the ketchup and salsa say to the man?

Shut the fridge door, we're dressing.

[Eldan]

I'll start with my mother's all time favorite joke:

What do a squirrel and a rubber hose have in common?

They are both made from rubber, except the squirrel.


What's long, thin, white and lying in the desert?
A piece of white yarn.

And what's long, thin, black and lying in the desert?
The shadow of the piece of white yarn.


What's white and going up the mountain?
A little avalance looking for it's mother.


And one for insiders:
Three swiss people are sitting in a bar.
The first one says: "Hmm."
The second one says: "Hm-hmm."
The third one says: "You talk to much."

[ArlEammon]

Why do historians think Shakespear was gay?
Because he was a Spoony Bard!

[Stormthorn]

Why do historians think Shakespear was gay?
Because he was a Spoony Bard!

Yup. It was lame. YOU WIN!

[Sir_Norbert]

What's yellow and dangerous and appears to have a pH of 12?

A yellow car with a broken indicator.

[Sequinox]

Okay guys, i have the best joke ever. i am spoilering so that the unworthy don't have to see it.

Why did the chicken cross the road? to... get to the other side! Well, what were you expecting? Something new?

Okay... I just finished using my A material. Are blonde jokes allowed? If not i can just change 'blonde' to stupid, and the other ones to smart, if anyone knows. (I just realized that sounds like a blonde joke. It isn't.

Okay, so here goes.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are trapped on a desert island. They find a magic lamp with a genie, who will grant them 3 wishes. The brunette wishes that she was at home. The redhead wishes she was at her friends house. The blonde looks around, feels lonely, and says, "I want my friends back!"

Okay. I made the mistake of asking my blond cousin (who had said previously that he didn't mind blond jokes) how you kill a blond. He looked at me and asked, "How do you kill a Cole?" (Cole is my name)

Fifty eight british guys and one american are riding on a plane when suddenly the bottom falls off. They reach up and grab the baggage compartments which are miraculously all open.

The pilot shouts, "There's too much weight! One of us is going to have to let go!"

The american guy shouts, "For america!" He lets go and falls to his death.

Then all the british guys clap.

Ba dum bump! Bash!

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island. It's a mile to shore. The brunette tries to swim back and makes it a quarter of the way back. Then the redhead tries and only makes it halfway back. Then the blonde tries to swim back. She makes it three quarters of the way, gets tired, and swims back to the island.

One of my friends does stand up comedy. He got kicked out of the talent show for telling the following joke. (They thought it was mocking someone who had died in an accident earlier on in the year)

My grandmother recently got into a car accident. She hit a pole. Well, she was listening to Carry Underwood's "Jesus take the wheel." Apparently she released the wheel and waved around her arms as she sang along.

[Kneenibble]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The egg lights a cigarette and says, "Well, I guess that answers that question."

[Elephant]

Courtesy of my wife...

What did the grape say when it got stepped on by an elephant?

...

Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

:D

[Green Bean]

Two atoms are walking down the street when one of them stops suddenly.

"I think I just lost an electron," he says.

"Are you sure?" says his friend.

"I'm positive!"


(Always a hit with science teachers/the geeky)

[Griever]

What's black, white and read all over?

A newspaper!

[Naleh]

I just heard this one, and it destroyed my faith in humanity:

Due to the rising costs of feathers, down is now up.

[Nychta]

I just heard this one, and it destroyed my faith in humanity:

Due to the rising costs of feathers, down is now up.

Terrible. Absolutely terrible.

I loved the philosopher one, though!

[Vonriel]

Wow. I feel guilty for laughing at that as much as I did.

Me too... me too...

And now for one I expected to see already:

There was once a fortune teller who would often scam his customers out of a lot of money. Eventually, the police caught on to his game, and arrested him. The problem was, they had to get him a special cell, because the fortune teller in question was also a midget. Well, time passed, as it does, and a gang fight broke out in the rec yard, which quickly turned into a full-scale riot. Our friend the fortune teller capitalised on the situation to make good the escape plans he had been contemplating for the past months. In the next day's paper, to warn the public, the police put out the headline: Small Medium at Large.

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "I'd like some chapstick, and put it on my bill."

A duck walks into a bar, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, somewhat amused, responds, "No, we don't, sorry." The duck turns around and walks out, but comes back in the next day. Again, he asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, recognizing it was the same duck, responds seriously, "Again, no, we don't. Go away." This goes on for a few more days, the bartender getting angrier and angrier at the duck. One day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender shouts back, "I've told you already, no we don't have any grapes! If you ask that again, I'm going to nail your bill to that post outside!" The duck walks out, but sure enough, comes back in the next day. He looks at the bartender, who's glaring at him, and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender, taken off-guard, stammers out, "Err, no?" The duck then asks, "Got any grapes?"

My shameful contributions to this thread. :smalltongue:

[potatocubed]

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the other... oh, wait.

:smalltongue:

[Leigh]

Ohhohoh laaame!
A rope walks into a bar and says, "Hey, can I get a - "
The bartender cuts him off with a "Sorry, we don't serve ropes here."
The next day, the rope comes back in an again the bartender cuts him off with "We don't serve ropes!!!"
The rope steps outside the bar, twists himself up, rubs both of his ends really hard on the road outside and comes back into the bar.
The bartender squints at the rope. "Hey, aren't you that rope?"
The rope replies, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
...lamelamelame:smallbiggrin:

[JKR]

Ohhohoh laaame!
A rope walks into a bar and says, "Hey, can I get a - "
The bartender cuts him off with a "Sorry, we don't serve ropes here."
The next day, the rope comes back in an again the bartender cuts him off with "We don't serve ropes!!!"
The rope steps outside the bar, twists himself up, rubs both of his ends really hard on the road outside and comes back into the bar.
The bartender squints at the rope. "Hey, aren't you that rope?"
The rope replies, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
...lamelamelame:smallbiggrin:

Ha ha, this is my favorite of the thread! :smallbiggrin:

[Leigh]

Ha ha, this is my favorite of the thread! :smallbiggrin:

:smalleek:Seriously?! This thread was inspiration - I made it up:smalltongue:

[Kneenibble]

Have you tried to buy a chimney lately? They're through the roof.

[Naleh]

Actually, I am a chimney.

What? It's my nickname. An internet friend had a dream in which he talked to me. But, having never seen me, he replaced me with something familiar. That happened to be his chimney.

[Note: that was not a joke.]

[LeonardQuirm]

How many members of an ethnic or social group does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

N+1! One to screw in the lightbulb, and N to act in a sterotypical manner!

(this may have been shamelessly stolen from a certain webcomic artist, but I admit to nothing)

You know, I never meta humour I didn't like...

Edit: Oops, forgot to add my own bad joke. Admittedly most of my jokes are about mathematicians, but hey...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. During the night, the engineer wakes up to smell smoke. A little worried, he goes out into the corridor to find the carpet's burning! He looks around, sees a bucket nearby, runs into his room and fills the bucket with water, then returns to throw it over the fire. Satisfied that the fire's out, he returns to bed.

Later that night, the physicist wakes up. She smells smoke, and goes out, only to discover also that the carpet is on fire. Glancing around, she notices a fire extinguisher on the wall. She quickly works out exactly what angle, distance and force applying to the handle to use to put the fire out with minimum risk or effort, and does so. Pleased with her work, she returns to bed.

Even later on, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke; he goes onto the corridor and finds the carpet on fire yet again. He looks around and sees the bucket and fire extinguisher left lying around by the others. He smiles to himself, proclaims "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to bed.

[Unique]

I've heard the rope joke before. Here's one I made up myself. It doth most verily suck uponst--I'm gonna not finish that. Add the noun of your choice.


So a horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "what kind of a joke is this?"
The horse pulls out a duck and replies, "it's a fowl one!"

[Raiser Blade]

How many ninjas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two but the trick is getting them inside the lightbulb in the first place.

[evisiron]

Three men walk into a bar, one of them is a genius, ones average and one is an idiot, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

I have spotted another Bill Bailey fan! :smallbiggrin:

What happens if you step on a raisin muffin?

A little current shoots up your leg!

[Haleyintraining]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to KFC.

[Unique]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh--
MOO!

[evnafets]

Why did the Rooster cross the road?

To prove the he wasn't a chicken

[Edan]

I remember reading this one a while ago and wanted to send this your way. Long but worth it.
Link (http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html)

[Shraik]

Two muffins sitting in an oven. One says to the other, "It's gettin hot in here, huh?" the other replied "GAHHH!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[GrassyGnoll]

What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim denim denim
Denim denim denim

So an orc general is leading an army around when he gets a report from his scout.
"Sir, there's a dwarf jumping up and down on a hill two hundred yards thataway screaming that 'one dwarf can kill five orcs'"
The general orders five outriders to take care of the surly dwarf, they charge over the hill, make a big ruckus, and are never seen again.
Soon the general spots the dwarf back on the hill yelling, "One dwarf can kill one hundred orcs!"
The general orders a whole battalion over the hill. Sounds of battle can be heard over the hill and once again the dwarf emerges to further taunt, "One dwarf can kill a thousand orcs!"
The general has finally had it, he sends a full five thousand troops over the hill. After hours of grunting and screaming and other unpleasant noises a single orc limps back.
"WHY THE HELL IS THIS DWARF SUCH A PROBLEM FOR YOU IDIOTS!"
"Sir, it's a trap. There's two of 'em"

[Collin152]

So an orc general is leading an army around when he gets a report from his scout.
"Sir, there's a dwarf jumping up and down on a hill two hundred yards thataway screaming that 'one dwarf can kill five orcs'"
The general orders five outriders to take care of the surly dwarf, they charge over the hill, make a big ruckus, and are never seen again.
Soon the general spots the dwarf back on the hill yelling, "One dwarf can kill one hundred orcs!"
The general orders a whole battalion over the hill. Sounds of battle can be heard over the hill and once again the dwarf emerges to further taunt, "One dwarf can kill a thousand orcs!"
The general has finally had it, he sends a full five thousand troops over the hill. After hours of grunting and screaming and other unpleasant noises a single orc limps back.
"WHY THE HELL IS THIS DWARF SUCH A PROBLEM FOR YOU IDIOTS!"
"Sir, it's a trap. There's two of 'em"

What a shaggy dog story.