OotS PIP (Python Indexing Project) [Archive] - Giant in the Playground Forums

Lira

2008-09-23, 03:37 PM

Here's 12 to 21:

0012
Up a Level, Down a Level
Roy, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Belkar

Roy: (At last, the stairs down!)
Haley: (Oooh, that goblin cleric was worth 1000 XP!)
Roy: Time to go down a level!
Haley: Time to go up a level!
Roy: Up a level? But we already did that.
Haley: Sure, now we do it again.
Roy: Why, what's down a level?
Haley: More sneak attack!
Roy: What?? We'll get sneak attacked if we go up a level??
Haley: No, silly, just me.
Roy: You want to go up a level so you can get sneak attacked?
Haley: Naturally.
Roy: No way. That's too dangerous. We go down a level instead.
Haley: Down a level? Wouldn't you need, like, a vampire or something for that?
Roy: Huh?
Haley: Anyway, what do we get if we go DOWN a level?
Roy: Tougher monsters!
Haley: You want to go down a level AND face tougher monsters?
Roy: Of course.
Haley: Wouldn't it make more sense to go UP a level before facing tougher monsters?
Roy: No, we already finished that level. We should go down.
Haley: Up!
Roy: Down!
Haley: Up!
Roy: Down!
Vaarsuvius: Aha! A new spell level!
Roy: L-E-V-E-L.
Vaarsuvius: Huh?
Roy: I spelled “level”.
Vaarsuvius: But you're a fighter, you can't learn spell levels.
Roy: Can't spell? Is that another “Fighters are dumb” crack? That's it, we're going down a level.
Haley: Up a level!
Vaarsuvius: But if we go down a level, I will lose my spell level.
Roy: L-E-V-E-L.
Vaarsuvius: HUH???
Belkar: How much crap do we go through on a daily basis because no one at TSR looked up “level” in the thesaurus?

0013
Plot, Ahoy!
Haley, Roy, Belkar, Elan, Durkon

Haley: Why didn't you just SAY you wanted to go down?
Roy: The stairs down! We are one step closer to our goal!
Belkar: We have a goal?
Roy: Sure. Why did you think we were here?
Belkar: Well, I just figured we'd wander around, kill some sentient creatures because they had green skin and fangs and we don't, and then take their stuff. What?
Elan: Of course we have a goal, Belkar. Let me share it with you...
Roy: Oh no, here we go...
Elan: We quest in the deep dark Dungeon of Dorukan, a horrible pit filled with evil monsters.
Haley: And treasure!
Elan: Created by the mad lich Xykon, an undead mage mad with his own power. Oooo, bad lich!
Haley: And treasure!
Elan: But we will strike down the Xykon and make the countryside safe again!
Haley: And treasure! Wait, that doesn't make any sense...
Belkar: This “treasure” idea intrigues me, and I wish to learn more.
Durkon: How d'you do tha, lad, with th' pictures?
(D): How did you do that, lad, with the pictures?
Elan: My newest bard spell: Summon Plot Exposition!

0014
Why Roy is Always Tired
Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Roy, Haley, Belkar

Vaarsuvius: Sir Greenhilt, I regret to inform you I have cast all but one of my world-shattering enchantments.
Durkon: Aye, I be runnin' close to empty meself, lad.
(D): Aye, I am running close to empty myself, lad.
Roy: Hmm, OK, Let's camp here. V and Durkon will sleep all night. I'll take first watch. Haley, you take second.
Haley: Got it!
Roy: (Haley: Hee! Mine! All mine! hahahaha!) Wait... on second thought, Belkar, you take second watch.
Belkar: Damn it!
Roy: (Belkar: Bwaha! I have deep-seated emotional problems! Die! Die! Die!) No! No, wait, um, how about you rest and we let Elan – (Goblin: Hi, we're here to kill everyone? Elan: OK!) *Sigh* Looks like another all-nighter.

0015
Family Time
Roy, Eugene

Roy: *YAWN* Stupid unrealiable party members...
Eugene: Roy... Roy..
Roy: Is someone calling me?
Eugene: No, Roy, I'm just shoutung “Roy! Roy!” for the hell of it.
Roy: Aaaah! Dad?? But... you and Mom are both dead...
Eugene: Yeah, funny thing about being a ghost, it has some harsh prerequisites. Now stop being shocked with disbelief and listen to this: “When the goat turns red strikes true.”
Roy: What? I don't – I don't understand.
Eugene: Of course you don't understand yet, it's foreshadowing.
Roy: Foreshadowing?
Eugene: Good gods, boy, it's a common literary technique used to build tension by hinting at events yet to come. Didn't they teach you anything in that fancy Fighter College I sent you to? Of course, your mother wanted you to be a wizard, but nooooo. I had to pay 40,000 gp a year in tuition so you could learn to swing a big sword! Feh. Well, I'm playing canasta with some archons tonight, gotta go.
Roy: Wait, Dad!
Eugene: Remember, Roy: “When the goat turns red strikes true.” And what, they have no clerics where you live? Would it kill you to Speak With Dead once in a while to let your mother and me know how you're doing?

0016
Turn of Phrase
Roy, Vaarsuvius, Durkon

Roy: You're up early.
Vaarsuvius: Technically, I do not sleep.
Roy: Join the club. Hey, V, how much do you know about spirits?
Vaarsuvius: My knowledge of the denizens of the underworld is unmatched.
Roy: I think I was just visited by a ghost.
Durkon: A ghost? TURN UNDEAD!
Roy: Gaah!
Vaarsuvius: My eyes!
Roy: Durkon, we're just talking. There's no undead. Go back to sleep.
Durkon: Oh, sorry.
Vaarsuvius: So you received a message from beyong the veil? No doubt with a message of import?
Roy: Yeah, I suppose. That, and a guilt trip.
Vaarsuvius: In my experience, one should always heed such missives from the grave. The way in which humans often ignore such omens leaves me aghast.
Durkon: A ghast? TURN UNDEAD!
Roy: Argh! Damn it, Durkon!
Vaarsuvius: My eyes!!!!
Durkon: Argh, sorry, sorry. I jess hate them undead so. Won't happen agin. Um, sooo.... back to bed, then.
(D): Argh, sorry, sorry. I just hate the undead so much. Won't happen again. Um, sooo.... back to bed, then.
Roy: ANYWAY... I think the spirit was my father.
Vaarsuvius: Indeed? Then I would give his words additional weight, as such signs are rare.
Roy: I guess that means him and Mom are up there looking after me, which is kinda cool.
Durkon: A lich is binding ghouls? TURN UNDEAD!
Roy: OK, now you're stretching it.
Vaarsuvius: Sweet merciful gods, my poor useless eyes!

0017
Rapier Wit
Durkon, Elan, Haley, Roy, Trigak, Belkar

Roy: I'll watch over Vaarsuvius and Trigger-Happy here while they prepare their spells.
Durkon: Heh. Sorry.
Roy: You three sneaky people, go scout or something.
Belkar: Why do we gotta take Elan? He's totally useless.
Haley: He's not useless... he's use-impaired.
Elan: Thanks, Haley!
Haley: You're not helping.
Belkar: Bah! Elan, do you even carry a weapon?
Elan: Sure! I have a rapier.
Belkar: You call that skinny thing a weapon? I could Sunder that by speaking too loudly!
Elan: But you can do this! Ta-da!
Belkar: Wow, OK, that is impressive.
Haley: Cool!
Trigak: And it makes our job of finding you so much easier!
Belkar: We just failed our Hide AND our Spot checks, didn't we?
Trigak: Oh yeah. Big time.
Belkar: DAMN IT!

0018
Double Surprise
Belkar, Elan, Trigak, Haley

Belkar: What the hell is THAT thing?
Elan: I don't know – I must have failed my Bardic Lore roll.
Trigak: We are the chimera Trigak. Xykon knows you have slain many goblins. He sent us. Now you die.
Belkar: I'm surprised.
Elan: Me too.
Haley: Yes, well, allow me to offer your employer this counter-proposal: SNEAK ATTACK!
Elan: Pssst – Haley, you won initiative, go again!
Haley: Oh, right... SNEAK ATTACK!
Trigak: Wow, that first attack was surprising... But I REALLY didn't expect the second one. Stupid sneak attacks.

0019
Evade!
Belkar, Elan, Haley, Trigak

Belkar: We need to attack!
Elan: How? You broke my rapier!
Haley: Look out, the dragon head! Evasion!
Belkar: Attack!
Elan: Dodge, dodge dodge the inevitable counterattack.
Haley: We need to get out of here – he's too strong!
Elan: I'll create a cunning illusion to distract him while we run. Run!
Belkar: You've got to be kidding.
Trigak: I'm sorry, we're in a committed relationship right now. It's not you, it's us. After them!
Haley: Awwww, that's so sweet.
Belkar: Nice distraction, idiot, he's right on our tail!
Elan: Hey, how was I supposed to know he ain't a playa.
Belkar: Never say “playa” again.

0020
Arcanolypse Now
Vaarsuvius, Roy, Trigak, Haley, Belkar, Elan

Roy: All done?
Vaarsuvius: Indeed. I have refreshed my repetoire of magic spells. My mind is afire with the arcane power that threatens to burst forth. The day is new, and the dawn, while unseen, greets my freshly-renewed mystic power. If only I had a target which to unleash my might magic...
Trigak: Xykon sends you death!
Haley: Help! Roy! V!
Roy: It's all you, dog.
Vaarsuvius: I love the smell of bat guano in the morning. Smells like... victory. FIREBALL!
Trigak: Arrrgh!
Vaarsuvius: Lightening Bolt!
Trigak: Arrrgh!
Vaarsuvius: Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion!!!!
Trigak: Wait, what? AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
Roy: Oof, that has GOT to be uncomfortable.
Elan: I can't watch.
Belkar: In the future, remind me to wait until late afternoon before insulting Vaarsuvius.
Trigak: The horror... the horror!
Belkar: At the ealiest.

0021
It's All About the Drama
Trigak, Belkar, Haley, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Elan

Trigak: Fly away! I'm not comfortable with being grappled there! You may have won this round, Order of the Stick, but we swear revenge on you! When you least expect-! GAK! GAK! GAK!
Belkar: Oh yeah! Who da halfling? I'm da halfling!
Haley: Belkar! He was supposed to get away!
Belkar: What you talkin' bout, Haley?
Haley: Duh! He was obviously supposed to be a recurring villain! I mean, he had a name! And he was in the middle of swearing to get us and our little dog, too. It's pretty clear he was going to come back.
Roy: Hmmm... A goat head. Kind of.
Vaarsuvius: Excuse me?
Belkar: Well... this way we get XP from him.
Haley: Hellooo! We defeated him, we would have gotten XP anyway!
Roy: “When the goat turns red, strike true.” That's what my Dad said.
Vaarsuvius: Hmm. The goat did become angry - “turned red” to use the vernacular – and then Belkar indeed struck true.
Roy: Ugh, if that's it, that is the most lame-ass prophecy in the long history of lame-ass prophecies.
Belkar: Umm, maybe he'll come back as a vampire or something.
Haley: No, no. Too late. We don't see him again.
Elan: Or will they? dun dun DUN!!!!
Roy: Elan! Stop doing dramatic musical cues for the dead chimera!
Elan: Sorry.

Lokasenna

2008-09-23, 06:41 PM

66 to 70 Done

0066
Thog's Secret Weakness
Vaarsuvius, Elan, Thog, Haley

Elan: So, um, Vaarsuvius, you don't happen to have any of those really nifty spells ready right now? Like, say, "Hold Half-Orc" for example?
Vaarsuvius: Alas, no, I have expended all of my prepared spells for the day. Why do you ask?
Elan: Um, no reason.
Vaarsuvius: Elan, use your bard magic! Thog must have an abysmal Will saving throw.
Elan: Oh, right, I forgot I could do that! Silent Image!
Vaarsuvius: Good gods, man! Is that the only illusion you can ever devise??
Elan: Yeah. I mean, it was that, or a litter of puppies, and I doubt a rampaging barbarian would have stopped for that.
Thog: ewww! thog thinks pretty girls are icky!
Elan: Aww man! It's not working!
Vaarsuvius: Do not give up so easily, Elan. I have an idea. Move the illusion closer to Thog.
Elan: OK.
Thog: stay away! thog not want girl cooties! thog surrender! just keep pretty girls away from thog!
Haley: Wait, so what am I, chopped liver?
Vaarsuvius: Now is really not the time.

0067
Cliffhanger
Nale, Roy, Elan

Nale: I think it’s safe to say this particular scheme has pretty much hit rock bottom. Time for my cunning villainous escape: Expeditious Retreat! +12 to Jump check, sucker!
Roy: Arrgh! There is no way I’m getting over that wall in all this armor.
Elan: Oooh! Oooh! Pick me, Roy! I’ll go! C’mon, I promise I won’t let him get away.
Roy: I have no doubt that in years to come, I’ll look back with regret on what I am about to say, but yeah, OK. Elan, get Nale.
Elan: Yes! I won’t let you down!
Roy: Up you go.
Nale: Damn. Wreaking the bridge seemed like a really good idea at the time.
Elan: Nale! There’s no way to go. Surrender!
Nale: Surrender? Never, you moronic little twit. I’d rather die than- Help me, brother!
Elan: Karma-riffic!

0068 Unconscience
Nale, Elan, Being of Evil, Being of Good, Being of Law, Being of Chaos
Nale: Help!
Elan: I don’t know what to do now!
Being of Evil: Oh yeah, this kicks nine kinds of ass. That loser is right where he belongs. You don’t even have to lift a finger, just hang out and let sweet, sweet gravity do its job.
Being of Good: No, Elan, you have to help Nale. He is still your brother, and to kill him, even through inaction, would be wrong.
Being of Evil: Um, hello, am I the only one who remembers his SWORD sticking out of my man Elan’s CHEST? C’mon, he totally stabbed you! It’s like you said, karma, dude. He brought this on himself.
Being of Good: But his evil is the direct result of the environment in which he was raised. Had it been you that had been raised by your father, wouldn’t you have ended up evil?
Being of Evil: Oh, that’s a load of crap. Evil is objective, I should know!
Being of Good: Elan, if Nale dies, Mommy will cry.
Being of Evil: Ugh, what a cheap shot!
Being of Good: Hey, guilt is one of the primary weapons in Good’s arsenal.
Elan: Now I’m all confused! I wonder if there might be another philosophical perspective to consider…
Being of Law: 100101010100010101101011!
Being of Chaos: Turquoise bicycle shoe fins actualize radishes greenly!
Elan: So much for Law and Chaos…

0069
Hey, It Was Worth a Shot
Elan, Nale, Roy, Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Thog

Elan: OK. I’ll help you up, if you promise to surrender.
Nale: Fine! Whatever! Just be careful, my hands are still slippery with your blood.
Elan: You’re not making me feel better about this decision.
Nale: I’ll never tell you anything about Xykon.
Elan: Yeah, I know. But I didn’t save you so we could interrogate you. I saved you ‘cause I’m the Good twin, not the Neutral twin.
Nale: … I don’t get it.
Elan: Yup.
Roy: Oh thanks the gods that stupid ice wall is melting. Whoa, Elan, you actually captured him?
Haley: Ha! Owe me 10 gold.
Roy: Yeah, yeah.
Belkar: Hey! Who’s that good lookin’ in his swanky new leather hat?
Haley: Ugh, that’s disgusting.
Belkar: Must be Belkar!
Vaarsuvius: Are those cracks I see in the ceiling?
Roy: Damn it, Belkar, I wanted to question all of them. You should have captured him.
Belkar: For future reference, that’s the sort of request you should make BEFORE the battle starts, genius.
Thog: thog hungry.
Haley: I’ll tie Nale up like I did Thog. I have 8 ranks in Use Rope!
Belkar: Kinky.
Haley: Shut up.
Roy: We’ve got more pressing matters, too. They may not be swarming, but we still have to get past all those monsters. I really wish we had someone who could fly us out of here. GAAAH!
Haley: I really wish I had a bajillion gold pieces!!

0070
That’s Just Mean
Haley, Vaarsuvius, Roy, Nale, Thog, Celia

Haley: V, isn’t this the chick who was guarding the Air Sigil?
Vaarsuvius: Indeed, I believe it is.
Roy: Funny, I don’t remember anyone guarding the Earth Sigil.
Nale: Heh heh.
Thog: ha ha! *snort*
Vaarsuvius: I guess the drow petrified her while our backs were turned.
Roy: Can you change her back?
Vaarsuvius: No, I do not possess the proper spell.
Nale: What a shame, the Good Guys can’t rescue the sylph.
Thog: ha ha! they not have scroll.
Roy: Scroll?
Nale: Shut. Up.
Thog: ha! stupid talky man not have scroll nale has! ha ha!
Roy: Let’s see about that. Haley?
Haley: One Search check, coming right up.
Nale: Hey! Back off! That tickles!
Haley: Got it! Looks like a scroll of Break Enchantment.
Roy: If Nale wanted this sylph silenced, then I want to hear what she has to say. Vaarsuvius?
Vaarsuvius: Break Enchantment.
Celia: GAH!
Vaarsuvius: Oops.
Celia: Ow! What… what the hell happened?
Vaarsuvius: You were transmuted to stone-
Nale: For a thousand years!
Celia: WHAT??
Nale: Yup. Every person you ever loved is long since dead.
Celia: No!! I never got the chance to tell-
Nale: Nah, I’m just screwing with you, it’s been like an hour, tops. Totally worth it.
Thog: AAAAAARGH! thog hurt!

Fixed.

Schnitzel

2008-09-24, 01:55 AM

As to the topic of the wiki, can you point me in the direction of the transcripts? Also, which ones do you have?

http://oots.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Comics
and for a more sorted list:
http://oots.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_Order_of_the_Stick_Comics
Feel free to contribute to the Wiki.

Lokasenna

2008-09-25, 06:36 PM

71-75 Done

0071
Career Girl
Haley, Nale, Celia. Roy, Belkar, Elan, Air Elemental

Haley: I think this is a little overdue, don't you, Nale?
Nale: Mmmmph!
Celia: That jackass was responsible for everything?
Roy: Afraid so. Can you think of any specific reason he'd want to kill you?
Belkar: I believe jackass was mentioned?
Celia: As employees, we were magically shielded from any attacks by the monsters he was trying to control.
Roy: From what I've learned, just being able to ignore his new Cosmic Mojo would be reason enough for Nale's ego.
Belkar: See also: "jackass".
Roy: But tell me: Why is a good fey like you working for Xykon?
Celia: Xykon?? The creepy dead guy? Ewww! I don't work for him.
Roy: Huh? I thought you worked here.
Celia: I do, but not for him. I work for Dorukan.
Belkar: The guy who made the Talisman?
Celia: And the castle, and the dungeon. Everything.
Belkar: He might want to sue his contractor. Stuff keeps breaking.
Celia: I'd pass that along, but he disappeared about 6 months ago. But I've got a one year contract, so I've mostly been making personal calls and swiping office supplies.
Roy: So Xykon just took over?
Celia: Pretty much. Showed up a few months ago with a couple hundred minions. He took over the corridors and rooms, but left all the vaults alone.
Roy: Vaults?
Celia: Where the old wizard locked up his artifacts. Like this place.
Elan: Hanging around a dungeon all day sounds like a pretty crappy job.
Celia: Well, you know how it is. You get out of school, go on a few interviews, but all they ask:
Air Elemental: So, do you have any actual experience manipulating the primal elemental forces of the Wind?
Celia: Well, ummm...
Celia: this was the only crummy job I could find in this economy.
Belkar: I know EXACTLY what you mean.

0072
Loose Ends
Roy, Celia, Haley, Belkar, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Durkon

Roy: So, do you now go back to guarding stuff, Miss… uh…
Celia: My name’s Celia. And no, no point in that now. I screwed this job up good. I think I’m just going to bail. Besides, my brush with stonedom has gotten me thinking about priorities. I’m too focused on my career. I’m going to go home, relax, spend some time with my family, catch up with old friends, and fool around with my boyfriend.
Roy: I suppose with your immunity, you’ll have no problems getting past all those monsters.
Celia: Actually, I’m kinda in a hurry, so I’m summoning the employee exit.
Roy: Whoa, this goes straight to the surface?
Celia: Down too, but only two more levels. Dorukan wanted the bottom of the dungeon off-limits.
Roy: Two levels means bypassing the pit of monsters AND a whole lot of goblins. Do you mind?
Celia: I’m not suppose to let anyone in here, but eh, what do I care? I don’t work here anymore.
Haley: What about these two? We can’t just drag them around behind us from now on.
Belkar: I have an idea. It begins with “s” and ends with “litting their throats.”
Elan: No! No killing.
Belkar: Technically, you mean no MORE killing.
Vaarsuvius: I believe I have a compromise. Miss Celia is retreating to the town. She can lead these miscreants to the constables there for incarceration.
Celia: Heck yeah. They totally deserve to get locked up.
Elan: Yeah, OK.
Haley: <whispers> Pssst! Are we sure we can trust her?
Roy: <whispers> I think so. They killed her co-workers, I don’t think she will let them go free.
Roy: Well, Celia, thank you for your help.
Celia: Thank YOU. I’d still be a lawn ornament if it weren’t for you guys.
Roy: This is great! We bypassed two levels and are that much closer to Xykon!
Haley: And treasure!
Elan: I suppose… But I’m still sad about Nale, and what might happen to him. Oh, and I’ve got this nagging feeling we’re all forgetting something.
Durkon: Hullo? Lads?
(D): Hello? Guys?

0073
Thor’s Teachings
Durkon, Red Monster, Green Monster, Blue Monster, Thor, Northern goddess

Durkon: Ach, Durkon, ye be right up the River Styx without a paddle this time. Energy-drain’d an left all alone inna room chock full a’ monsters.
Anc’stors’ beards, here they come! Maybe if I lie still, dey be passin’ me by.

(D): Man, Durkon, you're up the River Styx without a paddle this time. Energy-drained and left all alone in a room chock full of monsters.
Red Monster: Why look, my hordling brothers, I believe we have found ourselves a delicious meal this day!
Green Monster: Yes, let us devour the mortal.
Blue Monster: I don’t know guys, it’s a dwarf. You know how fatty they are, and I’m trying to watch my intake.
Green Monster: Good point, I could do without the trans fats.
Red Monster: You guys should look into Atkins. Steve’s on it, and he can eat all the dwarves he wants, as long as he doesn’t have any bread with them.
Green Monster: Ugh, that CAN’T be good for you in the long run.
Durkon: Whew! But tha next monsters’ll likely not be dieting. I best figure a way out of this dire predicament… Think, Durkon. Think back on yer training a’ tha temple. A’ course, me prayer necklace reminds me a’ one o’ tha basic teachin’s. What WOULD Thor do?
(D): Whew! But the next monsters probably won't be dieting. I need to find a way out of this dire predicament... Think, DUrkon. Think back on your training at the temple. Of course, my prayer necklace reminds me of one of the basic teachings. What WOULD Thor do?
Thor: With my ultimate power of the thunders, I, Thor, smash this entire dungeon to shattered ruins, each piece no larger than a man’s fist.
Thor: Then, I return to Asgard to woo goddesses and drink an ocean’s worth of beer. Huzzah!
Northern goddess: Oh, Thor! *giggle*
Durkon: In retrospect, that “W.W.T.D.” thing be nev’r really as applicable ta my situation as ‘tis suppose ta be.
(D): In retrospect, that "W.W.T.D." thing is never really as applicable in my situation as it's suppose to be.

0074
Back From the Pit
Durkon, Hilgya, Flumph 1, Flumph 2

Durkon: ‘Tis it, Durkon. Whatever hellspawn be crawling outta that pit, I hope ‘e chokes on me beard!
(D): This is it, Durkon. Whatever hellspawn is crawling out of that pit, I hope he chokes on my beard!
Hilgya: Hi!
Durkon: Ye?!? What are ye doin’, come back to finish me off?
(D): You?!? What are you doing, come back to finish me off?
Hilgya: Nope. I don’t want to hurt you Durkon.
Durkon: Ye’ve got an interestin’ method of accomplishin’ that goal, Hilgya.
(D): You've got an interesting method of accomplishing that goal, Hilgya.
Hilgya: I never wanted to help Nale, he’s a big jerk. But Loki commanded me to steal the Talisman from him, so I pretended to be his friend.
Hilgya: Here, let me help you. Restoration! They abandoned us both, you know.
Durkon: How did ye survive?
(D): How did you survive?
Hilgya: Well, I slipped off Thog’s foot when your elf friend dispelled the Fly spell.
Hilgya: EEK!
Hilgya: Luckily, my fall was cushioned by a horrible monster.
Flumph 1: AAARGH!
Hilgya: Once I got on the ground, I cast a Sanctuary spell, warding the monsters away from attacking me.
Durkon: I’m surpris’d it work’d on all of them critters at once.
(D): I surprised it worked on all of those critters at once.
Hilgya: They’re 2nd Edition monsters. They don’t even HAVE a Will Save. If we each cast Sanctuary again, I bet we can just walk out untouched.
Durkon: Good thinkin’. Sanctuary!
(D): Good thinking. Sanctuary!
Flumph 2: You’re gonna be just fine.
Flumph 1: I think… I’m starting to get some feeling back in my-

0075
The Blame Game
Belkar, Haley, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Elan

Belkar: Belkar shoots, he scores!
Haley: Yuck.
Roy: We took a beating back there, we probably ought to rest.
Vaarsuvius: Yes, I am currently spell-free.
Roy: Hey Durkon, why don’t you break out whatever healing you have left and- Crap on a stick. Umm, not to sound overly alarmist, but does anyone happen to know where Durkon is right now?
Haley: WHAT?!?
Elan: Oh no!
Belkar: No cleric? No, no, no, Belkar gots to get his heal on! Those few hit points from resting are not gonna cut it!
Haley: Oh man! I can’t believe you and Vaarsuvius forgot to help Durkon!
Belkar: What an Epic-level screw up.
Elan: Good job, you two.
Roy: Wait, us??? As I recall, all five of us were in the room, and NONE of us remembered to bring him along.
Haley: True. But the three of us are so consistently and staggeringly irresponsible that it’s utterly unreasonable to expect us to have been paying any attention in the first place.
Belkar: Damn straight.
Roy: That… is actually a very valid point. You’re right. My bad.
Elan: I am so disappointed in you, Roy.
Roy: Don’t push it.

Edit: 76-80 Done. The first appearance of Banjo, and I dislike Durkon's accent. On the other hand, the Thor-Loki interaction was awesome.

0076
She's a Sneaky One
Durkon, Hilgya

Durkon: Ach, we’ve searched da whole level, and no sign o’ me allies. They musta gone down. Roy wouldna turned back now, ‘e’s too close ta Xykon.
(D): Ach, we've searched the entire level, and no sign of my allies. They must have gone down. Roy wouldn't turn back now, he's too close to Xykon.
Hilgya: Wow, this level is really dark. We should turn on our Darkvision.
Durkon: Ah, right. I been wit’ tha humans so long, I fergot I haddit! Tho they ne’er seem ta carry no lantern, neither…
(D): Ah, right. I've been with the humans so long, I forgot I had it! Though they never seem to carry a lantern, either...
Hilgya: So you’ve been away from dwarven lands for a long time then?
Durkon: Aye, years.
(D): Yeah, years.
Hilgya: Gee, that must be really tough on your wife.
Durkon: Umm, I not hav’ no wife.
(D): Umm, I don't have a wife.
Hilgya: Girlfriend?
Durkon: Nay.
(D): Nope.
Hilgya: Gosh, you know, my dwarven stonecunning is telling me that this surface is unstable.
Durkon: Really? I’m na getting’ no feelin’-
(D): Really? I'm not getting that feeling-
Hilgya: Oh, no, definitely. We should probably hold hands or something, in case the floor gives way. Can’t be too careful.
Durkon: Oh. Uh, OK. If ya think it’s fer the best.
(D): Oh. Uh, OK. If you think it's for the best.

0077
A Battle of Attrition
Hilgya, Durkon, Monster

Hilgya: So, it’s kind of chilly. Maybe you could put your arm around-
Monster: RRRAARGH!!
Hilgya: Cure Light Wounds!
Monster: GRRAARGH!
Durkon: Cure Light Wounds!
Monster: RROARRR!
Hilgya: Cure Light Wounds!
Monster: GRROWWWRGH!
Durkon: Cure Light Wounds!
Monster: huff huff huff huff
Durkon: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Monster: Eh, screw this. I’ll order Thai.
Durkon and Hilgya: Go, Team Cleric!

0078
Unfinished Business
Roy, Elan, Eugene

Roy: We’re resting just long enough for V to regain spells, then we’re heading up to find Durkon.
Elan: Nighty-night!
Roy: 3…2…1…
Eugene: What, I’m that predictable now?
Roy: Thanks for the warning back there, Dad, but I didn’t understand it until it was almost too late.
Eugene: Eh, you figured it out at exactly the right time. That’s how this stuff usually works.
Roy: Yeah, but you could have given me more of a hint. Or heck, you could have just showed up then and told me what needed to happen.
Eugene: ‘Cause you woulda listened, too. I told you to go to Wizard School as I recall, you didn’t listen then, did you? Besides, there’s rules for this sort of thing. I can’t just go nipping off from the afterlife to warn that the milk has gone spoiled, y’know.
Roy: Well, do you have any other pearls of wisdom to dispense? Maybe something to help me fight Xykon?
Eugene: I’m sorry, I can’t interfere with that directly.
Roy: Because of the unfinished business between the two of you?
Eugene: Yeah.
Eugene: NO!
Eugene: Whatever scheme he’s cooking up, it falls on you to screw it up for me. Eldest child, and all that. Eugene: Of course, it would be a lot easier if you could, say, turn him into a frog. But I guess sticking him with sharp pieces of metal will have to suffice.
Roy: Geez, Dad…
Eugene: no, no, it’ll be OK. Maybe he’ll check tetanus from your big stick. Oooh, no, wait- he’s a SKELETON now, that’s right! Or you could stick him in the eye. Oh! Right! SKELETON! Or maybe he’ll bleed to-
Roy: OK! OK! I GET IT!

0079
The Heavens Moved
Hilgya, Durkon, Thor, Loki

Hilgya: *YAWN!* I’m getting sleepy, Durkon. Maybe we better camp for the night.
Durkon: Aye. The group will be needin’ to rest for V’s spells anyway.
(D): Yeah. The group will need to rest for V's spells anyway.
Hilgya: Y’know, I’m kinda glad your friends aren’t here right now.
Durkon: Wha? They be a fine group, for humans. And an elf.
(D): What? They are a fine group, for humans. And an elf.
Hilgya: And a halfling.
Durkon: No, I left ‘im out on purpose.
(D): No, I left him out on purpose.
Hilgya: What I meant was, I’m glad we got a second chance to spend some time alone. Together.
Durkon: Oh.
Hilgya: I haven’t met too many dwarves since I left the Homelands. Our people don’t travel among the humans very often. So when I saw you, I knew we had everything in common. And now, we’re here, in the dark together. Alone.
Thor: Loki! In the name of Father Odin, I will smite thee for thy wicked ways.
Loki: Bring it on, Thunder Geek.
Thor: Your ignoble threats have no effect on-
Loki: Wait. Do you feel that?
Thor: Ach! Your ruses shall not sway my hammer!
Loki: Dude. Chill for a minute. How can you not feel that?
Thor: Actually, now that you mention it, something does feel a bit… off.
Loki: I think it’s coming from down there.
Thor: Hmmm. Oh, yeah, I think I see something…
Thor and Loki: Ewwwwwwwwwww!
Loki: I think I’m gonna be sick.

0080
Replacement Cleric
Elan, Roy

Elan: So Roy, if we can’t find Durkon, we’ll need to get a new cleric, right?
Roy: I suppose, but I’d prefer not to think about that quite yet.
Elan: Well, it’s just that we’re probably going to level up soon, and I was thinking I could multiclass to cleric.
Roy: Hah! You?? Elan, you need Wisdom to be a cleric. At least a smidgen.
Elan: Nah, that’s just what they WANT you to believe. It’s a big conspiracy, you know.
Roy: Thanks for illustrating my point so effectively. Roy: But tell me, in this fantasy of yours, which god would you be worshipping?
Elan: Ahh! That’s the best part! I made up my own deity! Behold! BANJO the CLOWN--God of Puppets!!!!! See, I named him Banjo because he has a little-
Roy: Yeah, I get it.
Roy: Elan, You cannot be the cleric of a hand puppet clown.
Elan: Sure I can! Technically, you can be the cleric of a “cause”.
Roy: I don’t see how a puppet qualifies.
Elan: Banjo is a state of mind, Roy. Embrace Banjo’s teachings and lo, thou shall be bountiful all of thy days.
Roy: Hmm, yeah, I don’t think so. Maybe if you could find me a marionette to worship, or possibly some kind of pantomime horse, I’d consider it.
Elan: You dare mock the mighty Banjo? Prepare to be smote, infidel! Hmm, I think maybe Banjo needs a few more followers before he can get in some decent smiting.
Roy: Good luck with that.

I fixed these chapters. I didn't translate Durkon's lines that were already in proper English, like spells and 'Oh.' I also didn't know quite what to do when the person was narrating a flashback when that person siad something, so I left that as separate bubbles. Otherwise there is a random EEEK or NO! in the middle of a speech.

CrazyMacGuy

2008-09-25, 08:50 PM

Hey... I would be willing to offer some help to the interpreting process, sign me up and send me a list of comics... I have lots of down time at work, and I can work pretty quick...

XenoTherapy

2008-09-25, 09:00 PM

Thanks, Loka, but can you check the first post for the new formatting rules, please?

Thanks for the help, CrazyMacGuy (you would have to be crazy not to love Ubuntu. :smalltongue:) Can you do 151 - 200?

Lokasenna

2008-09-25, 09:07 PM

Whoops. I'll go back *and* fix that.

XenoTherapy

2008-09-25, 09:09 PM

Thank you.

TigerHunter

2008-09-25, 09:25 PM

Sorry for slacking recently. Been in a mad rush to get an essay done on top of my regular homework.

XenoTherapy

2008-09-25, 09:43 PM

Sorry for slacking recently. Been in a mad rush to get an essay done on top of my regular homework.

No problem. I haven't update the program past 0.1 (stable! :D) because of my own damn essay.

FantomFang

2008-09-27, 10:16 PM

I normally just lurk here, but this sounded like a fun project, considering that I fairly constantly go back and browse older comics. If you'd like, you can assign me a chunk of pages, in between college, hw, friends, and gaming, I usually still have a fairly sizable chunk of time that I spend just aimlessly browsing the interwebz. Just let me know.

XenoTherapy

2008-09-28, 12:07 AM

FantomFang

2008-09-28, 02:21 AM

201-250? Can and will do.

EDIT: Here's the first couple, to make sure that my formatting is all right. How do you want to deal with simultaneous text, btw? Should it be written (for example)

Elan/Roy: Nale.
or
Elan: Nale.
Roy: Nale.

?

Oh, and just realized I don't know how to do Spoiler tags. And its late anywho. I'll post up the first few sometime tomorrow.

RMS Oceanic

2008-09-28, 02:39 AM

I'm a fast typer, and don't have much to do at the moment. If you want, I can try my hand at 351-400.

Just one question: how do you intend to handle the translation (or not) of Haley's cryptospeak?

Lokasenna

2008-09-28, 08:43 AM

Also, do you mind if I shorten Monster in the Darkness to MitD for the transcript? I'll still list him as Monster in the Darkness in the character list.

XenoTherapy

2008-09-28, 09:07 AM

*snip*

It's (spoiler) Text. (/spoiler), replacing () with [].

*snip*

Please!

And, I'd prefer it like Durkon's speech is handled:

Haley: Cryptoblah.
(H):English.

*snip*

I'd prefer it as Monster in the Darkness, but here's an easy way to do it:

Just write mitd, then use your text editor's find & replace feature to replace mitd with Monster in the Darkness.

Lokasenna

2008-09-28, 09:20 AM

What would you prefer for flashbacks, that is, when one character is narrating a past event?

At the moment, I have the past speech on another line, although I personally think using 'Past!Eugene' or 'Past!Hilgya' might work better than 'Eugene' or 'Hilgya', to tell that the line was in the past. Whatever works for you.

The invisibilty scenes are coming up soon, so I'm going to make a few judgment calls on who's saying what. I never thought I would be glad for Durkon and V's speech patterns.

Edit: 81-85 Done

0081
First Church of Banjo
Belkar, Elan, Haley, Vaarsuvius

Belkar: Let me get this straight: The more worshippers you get for you little doll there, the more Roy will get zapped?
Elan: I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.
Belkar: ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY BANJO!!
Haley: How does Banjo feel about taxation?
Elan: Banjo wisely believes the consumer best knows how to spend his or her hard earned money.
Haley: Hmmm. I like what I’m hearing. But there’s so many gods on the market today. How do I know that Banjo is right deity for me?
Elan: We understand you concerns. That’s why the Church of Banjo offers a 30-day guarantee. We’ll refund double your burnt offerings back if you’re not completely satisfied.
Haley: Wow! OK, what the heck, I’m in. As long as he’s against killing. I can’t worship a bloodthirsty vengeance god.
Elan: Um, right, absolutely, banjo hates killing.
Belkar: WHAT?? Not the Banjo *I* know! He’s old school! I don’t care for this new direction.
Elan: OK, OK, we can make this work. Belkar, ignore everything I said after you began worshipping, and just call yourself an Orthodox Banjoist. Haley, you ignore everything I said BEFORE you started worshipping, and call yourself a Reformed Banjoist.
Belkar: Sweet.
Haley: Works for me.
Elan, Belkar, and Haley: YAY BANJO!
Elan: How about you, Vaarsuvius? Come and join Banjo’s flock.
Vaarsuvius: I think not! I worship the ancient elven god of knowledge, keeper of secrets so mighty that even the smallest taste of them would shatter your sanity! My devotion to his arcane mysteries is absolute! I shall never renounce him! Never! Do you hear me? NEVER! NEVER!
Elan: I’ll throw in a free coffee maker.
Vaarsuvius: Does it do espresso?
Elan: No.
Vaarsuvius: NEVER!

0082
Beats Pay-Per-View
Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, Hilgya, Durkon, Roach 1, Roach 2

Redcloak: Um, hello? Mysterious creature-thing in the shadows? Bloody darkvision, what good is it if it doesn’t work in magical darkness? Where the heck are you?
Monster in the Darkness: Over here. Watching the crystal ball.
Redcloak: Geez, do you ever turn that thing off? It’s going to rot your brain, you know. Try reading a book.
Monster in the Darkness: Uh huh.
Durkon: Aah!
Redcloak: Anyway. I noticed there is a real mess in the kitchen. There’s popcorn and oil and melted butter all over the place.
Monster in the Darkness: Uh huh.
Durkon: Gaaah!
Redcloak: And my keen senses also cannot fail to notice the large bowl of popcorn you are eating right now.
Monster in the Darkness: Uh huh.
Redcloak: Some might be inclined to call that a coincidence, but not I. If I’ve told you once, I have told you a hundred times: You have to clean up after yourself or it will attract more of those giant red demon-roaches. Are you even listening to me? What are you watching on there anyway?
Monster in the Darkness: Hmmm? Oh, I’ve been watching two dwarves have sex on Level Fourteen.
Hilgya: Mmmm!
Redcloak: What???
Monster in the Darkness: It’s pretty hot, actually.
Redcloak: Gah! My eyes!
Hilgya: Oooh, Durkon!
Redcloak: Ugh!! How can you sit and watch that-
Durkon: nngh!
Hilgya: That’s.. that’s good… Oh yeah…
Redcloak: Wow. You know, with those short stubby little bodies, you’d never think they had the agility to…
Monster in the Darkness: It’s entertaining, AND educational!
Roach 1: Yeah!
Roach 2: Oo, baby!

0083
Pillow Talk
Durkon, Hilgya, Ivan

Durkon: That… that was… ach…
(D): That… that was… ahh…
Hilgya: I’m glad you liked it.
Durkon: I’ve never… I mean, I nev’r… actually, y’know.
(D): I’ve never… I mean, I’ve never… actually, y’know.
Hilgya: Yeah, I kinda figured. It’s OK. So, where are we going from here?
Durkon: Well, I still be needin’ t’ find Roy and tha rest.
(D): well, I still need to find Roy and the rest.
Hilgya: Can’t you just forget about them and stay with me?
Durkon: I’ve a duty to them. I cannae just walk out onnit. But ye can come wit’ us, baby, unless yer duties lie sumplace else.
(D): I have a duty to them. I can’t just walk out on it. But you can come with us, baby, unless your duties are somewhere else.
Hilgya: Oh, no, I didn’t really have any big plan or anything.
Durkon: Then why did ye come ta human lands in the first place?
(D): Then why did you come to the human lands in the first place?
Hilgya: To get away from my family, mostly. My clan set me up in an arranged marriage with this guy from another clan, even though I didn’t know him.
Ivan: This is the happiest day of my life.
Hilgya: I was miserable, and I hated my clan for it. Ivan was a horrible, cruel man who ever stopped hounding me with his endless questions.
Ivan: Would you like a foot massage, sweetie?
Hilgya: You’re crushing my spirit!
Durkon: Uh…so did yer husband die, then?
(D): Uh…so did your husband die, then?
Hilgya: Nah, he’s alive and well. Not for lack of trying on my part, though. You have no idea how tough that +2 racial bonus against poison is to overcome!
Hilgya: How about a sandwich, honey?
Ivan: Hilgya, you’re the greatest!
Hilgya: So I just gave up and ran away from all my responsibilities to my clan and abandoned my marriage. And now I’m here with you.

0084
Saddest. Comic. Ever.
Hilgya, Durkon

Hilgya: What’s wrong?
Durkon: “What’s wrong?” Yer freak’n married, tha’s what’s wrong!
(D): “What’s wrong?” You’re freaking married, that’s what’s wrong!
Hilgya: Yeah, but I told you, I ran away from that. It didn’t make me happy.
Durkon: Happy? HAPPY? What tha heck does happiness have to do wit’ bein’ a dwarf?? Ye were married in tha eyes of the gods an’ our ancestors! Ye can’t just ignore that when it strikes yer fancy!!
(D): Happy? HAPPY? What the heck does happiness have to do with being a dwarf?? You were married in the eyes of the gods and our ancestors! You can’t just ignore that when it strikes your fancy!!
Hilgya: Oh, golly, I’m soooo sorry I can’t get worked up by what a bunch of dead dwarves think about my personal life. MY personal life, as in MY business.
Durkon: Ugh, listen to ye! Ye sound like one of the humans, with their “If it feels groovy, do it,” and their “inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness.”
(D): Ugh, listen to you! You sound like one of the humans, with their “If it feels groovy, do it,” and their “inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness.”
Hilgya: Hey, I like living among the humans. At least THEY don’t shackle me with stupid rules about my love life. I thought you felt the same way. Why else would you be traveling with them?
Durkon: Are ye kidding?? I hate livin’ in human lands! Everythin’s too big, and too bright, and too warm, and I ain’t had a decent mug o’ lager in five years. I stay here ‘cause tha High Priest of Thor commanded me to forth ‘nto human lands, until I was called fer by him. I stay ‘ere because it’s me duty. And bein’ a dwarf is about doin’ yer duty, even if it makes ye miserable. ESPECIALLY if it makes ye miserable!
(D): Are you kidding?? I hate living in human lands! Everything’s too big, and too bright, and too warm, and I haven’t had a decent mug of lager in five years. I stay here because the High Priest of Thor commanded me to forth into human lands, until I was called for by him. I stay here because it’s my duty. And being a dwarf is about doing your duty, even if it makes you miserable. ESPECIALLY if it makes you miserable!
Hilgya: But… I think I might love you!
Durkon: My mum taught me tha’ I should always take feelings like that, and bury them inna deep dark part o’ my soul and nev’r ev’r talk about ‘em again. That’s tha dwarven way. Yer duty as a dwarf is ta go home and be wit’ yer husband.
(D): My mom taught me that I should always take feelings like that, and bury them in a deep dark part o’ my soul and never ever talk about them again. That’s the dwarven way. Your duty as a dwarf is to go home and be with your husband.
Hilgya: Are- are you telling me to leave?
Durkon: …Aye.
(D): …Yes.

0085
The Elder Puppet
Vaarsuvius, Elan, Roy, Durkon, Belkar, Haley

Vaarsuvius: This is not an espresso maker. This is, in fact, a damp cardboard box with the word “espresto” written on it. In crayon.
Elan: Banjo works in mysterious ways.
Roy: Durkon! You’re alive! You’re safe. How did you get out alive? What happened?
Durkon: I don’t want ta talk aboot it.
(D): I don’t want to talk about it.
Roy: Oooookay. Geez. The guy gets a solo adventure and he gets all snippy.
Elan: Don’t worry, Roy. If Durkon doesn’t feel well, banjo and I can pick up the slack. He has three worshippers now!
Belkar: Yeah, Elan, about that… I’m pretty much over that whole “Banjo” thing. I mean, I got into it strictly to injure Roy. I was lost, perplexed, spiritually adrift on a sea of confusion. But I’ve learned a valuable lesson: the power to inflict bodily harm was always mine. I just needed to use it more often. Like so.
Roy: GAAAAHH!
Belkar: Heh heh heh.
Elan: Well, at least you’re still a loyal Banjoist, Haley.
Haley: Elan, I’ll level with you. I only joined your church because I figure if I got in on the ground floor of the Next Big Thing, I’d be in a position to embezzle millions later on. So if I could just get the refund you promised…
Roy: Aww, is Elan’s freaky little puppet cult breaking up?
Elan: The world just isn’t ready for Banjo the Clown, Roy. Soon, he will be a forgotten god, slumbering away from centuries until dark priests seek to awaken his unholy power. But when he returns, all will hear his call… The call… of BANJULHU!
Roy: Oh, for the love of-

WarriorTribble

2008-09-28, 01:29 PM

I recently managed to finish 151-173. Bit worried about 170 which had alot of Durkon speak that couldn't be spell checked. Anywho donwnload link here (http://www.mediafire.com/?2mymjdy2py2). Hope mediafire works...

Cleverdan22

2008-09-28, 02:11 PM

When you guys are ready, I might be able to do some fact-checking. Just let me know.

Lokasenna

2008-09-28, 05:51 PM

86-90 and

0086
The Most Important Quest
Vaarsuvius, Elan, Roy, Belkar, Durkon, Haley

Vaarsuvius: Elan, I was considering our quest, and I believe I might have an idea that might aid us greatly.
Elan: There’s no time for that now. Belkar’s in trouble! Have you found it yet?
Vaarsuvius: Found what?
Roy: I sent Haley out to scout. Let’s all hope she finds it in time. If she fails… well, I’d rather not think about the consequences.
Belkar: It hurts!
Elan: We can’t continue like this. We MUST find it!
Roy: Trust me, I know the importance.
Vaarsuvius: Importance of what?
Durkon: But Belkar cannae hold out much longer. Na even me cleric magic can help him now!
(D): But Belkar can’t hold out much longer. Not even my cleric magic can help him now!
Belkar: Must… stay… strong!
Vaarsuvius: What is wrong? Is it poison? Diease? A magical affliction of some nature?
Roy: No. Something far more unpleasant than that. Belkar may be the first, but if we don’t find it soon, we’re all in trouble.
Haley: I found it! I found it!
Vaarsuvius: Found what??
Roy: Are you sure?
Haley: Yes, the signs are in place, just as we expected. It’s up ahead. Look, there!
Roy: Oh, thank the gods.
Durkon: At last, there be hope!
(D): At last, there’s hope!
Roy: And not a moment too soon.
Elan: I promised myself I wouldn’t cry…
Belkar: One side! One side!

0087
Bathroom Humor
Vaarsuvius, Elan, Roy, Belkar, Haley

Vaarsuvius: I shall wait for you masters of tact and subtlety out here.
Elan: Aren’t you going to use the bathroom, V?
Vaarsuvius: I need not. My noble elven metabolism is far more efficient than your own, and I need only concern myself with such base needs every few weeks or so.
Elan: Oooh! Like a camel?
Vaarsuvius: … Sure, why not?
Elan: Neat! Hey Roy, did you know that V is a half-camel?
Roy: Is there anything I can say to that question that will end this conversation quicker?
Elan: Not really. Unless he’s half-dromedary…
Belkar: Ahhh! I feel 30 lbs. lighter!
Roy: You weigh only 30 lbs. in the first place.
Elan: I wonder what the ECL on a half-camel is.
Belkar: Well, it’s got to be pretty low since V is a primary spellcaster.
Roy: Belkar, don’t encourage him.
Elan: I think I can see the hump!
Vaarsuvius: Are we quite done here?
Roy: That depends. Has anyone seen Haley?
Haley: Darn it! Why is there ALWAYS a line???

0088
Getting Closer
Vaarsuvius, Roy, Durkon, Haley, Belkar, Elan

Vaarsuvius: Before we are again interrupted by some foolishness, I have a cunning plan I must relate.
Roy: Sure, V, go ahead.
Vaarsuvius: It occurred to me that our recent bypassing of several levels was a very efficient means to get to our ultimate goal, the defeat of Xykon. This got me to thinking. Would you be opposed to a strategy that would likewise bypass- rather than engage- many of the monsters contained therein?
Roy: You mean sneak past them somehow? Well, Haley will probably complain about the teasure skipped, and Belkar will whine about the XP lost. So no, I don’t oppose it at all.
Vaarsuvius: I have a spelled called Invisibility Sphere. It has the effect of turning all allied creatures invisible-
Roy: Within 10 feet of the caster! My dad used to have the same spell. Great idea, V!
Vaarsuvius: Yes, usually it is a ten foot radius. However, I purchased this spell from the Magic Shoppe’s discount bin. Its area effect is… shall we say, slightly less robust.
Roy: How big is it?
Vaarsuvius: Small.
Roy: HOW small?
Vaarsuvius: Three feet, nine inches.
Belkar: Oww! My foot!
Haley: This is unbelievable dumb.
Durkon: I cannae breathe down here!
(D): I can’t breathe down here!
Vaarsuvius: Silence, as I cast the spell. Invisibility Sphere!
Elan: Who’s groping me??
Roy: What?
Elan: Someone is squeezing my butt!
Durkon: It be not me.
(D): It’s isn’t me.
Vaarsuvius: Nor is it I.
Elan: Well, someone’s doing it, and they better cut it out. Is it you, Belkar? Roy?
Roy: Actually, I think Haley’s doing it.
Haley: Tee hee. Sorry, Elan.

0089
Invisibility: The Lazy Artist’s Friend
Roy, Haley, Belkar, Durkon, Elan, Vaarsuvius

Roy: OK, gang, now that we’re all invisible, we can sneak by any monsters that we come across.
Elan: Cool.
Haley: What about Durkon’s armor? Won’t it still clank all over the place?
Durkon: I took me armor off, lass. I be carryin’ it now, it clanks much less this way.
(D): I took my armor off, lass. I’m carrying it now, and it clanks much less this way.
Roy: OK, if you’re done with questions, let’s all head off now.
Haley: Which way?
Roy: That way.
Elan: Wait, WHICH way?
Roy: THAT way, try to pay attention. Now let’s go.
Elan: OW!
Haley: EEEK!
Durkon: D’OH!
Roy: What did you do that for?
Elan: You said we were going this way.
Roy: Not this way, THAT way.
Elan: Ummm…
Haley: Wait, I think I got it. Roy, do you want us to go forwards or backwards?
Roy: Forwards, Haley.
Haley: Right, then, let’s go.
Durkon: GAH!
Elan: OUCH!
Belkar: Goddamn it!
Roy: I said go forward!
Belkar: I did go forward, dumbass! But your lumbering corpse-to-be was in my path!
Roy: Then you were facing the wrong way!
Belkar: Oh yeah? And how the hell was I suppose to know that?
Vaarsuvius: Bah! I cannot tolerate this lunacy any longer. My spell is not of infinite duration. Sir Greenhilt, is THIS the direction you would like us to proceed?
Roy: Yes, thank you, Vaarsuvius.
Elan: Ohhh… Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?
Haley: Yeah, seriously.
Belkar: Good job, loser.
Roy: … You’re lucky attacking ends the spell, or I would smack the crap out of all of you.
Belkar: Bite my 50% miss chance.

0090
Consequences of a Failed Skill Check
Goblin1, Goblin 2, Roy, Elan, Haley, Goblin Cleric, Durkon

Goblin 1: So then he says to me, “Don’t work harder, work smarter”.
Goblin 2: You’re kidding.
Goblin 1: Seriously. And I was all “Uh, Ted, we have a listed Intelligence score of 10, there’s only so much I can do with that.”
Goblin 2 I know! What does he think we are? Xvarts?
Roy: <whispers> See anything?
Haley: <whispers> Yeah.
Roy: <whispers> OK, gang, goblins up ahead. Everyone make your Move Silently check.
Haley: <whispers> Right.
Elan: <whispers> Got it!
Roy: <whispers> I got a 17.
Haley: <whispers> I got a 24.
Belkar: <whispers> I got a 19.
Elan: I GOT A 4! DID YOU HEAR ME? I GOT-
Roy. Shut up. Now.
Goblin Cleric: Invisibility Purge.
Roy: Time for Plan B, I think.
Haley: Is that the one where we set something on fire?
Roy: Oh, right, then Plan C.
Haley: Which one is that?
Roy: RUN AWAY!!!!!
Belkar: Really? Because that always struck me as Plan A…
Durkon: Such be me lot in life…
(D): Such is my lot in life…

91-95 Done

0091
Proof That I am Deeply Disturbed
Durkon, Roy, Fruit Pie, Elan, Goblin 1, Goblin 2, Goblin 3

Durkon: Thar’s aboot gazillion goblins chasin’ us, Roy.
(D): There’s about a gazillion goblin’s chasing us, Roy.
Roy: I know! I know! Let me think of a plan.
Fruit Pie: Why not give them delicious Sorcerer’s Fruit Pies?
Elan: Wow! It’s Fruit Pie the Sorcerer!
Fruit Pie: That’s right, Elan.
Durkon: Who tha hell is this guy??
(D): Who the hell is this guy??
Roy: We’re kind of in the middle of a chase scene here, Elan.
Elan: Don’t you see? If I give the goblins delicious fruit pies, they won’t be able to resist.
Goblin 1: Mmmm!
Goblin 2: Tasty!
Goblin 3: I think I’ll stop this chase that I could easily continue while still enjoying a refreshing fruit pie!
Elan: Wow, thanks, Fruit Pie! Now we can be on our way!
Fruit Pie: Don’t mention it, Elan.
Durkon: I cannae believe that work’d…
(D): I can’t believe that worked.
Goblin 3: Wait a minute, I’m allergic to apples. You’re trying to kill me, you fruit-filled bastard!
Fruit Pie: What? No, I- Gah!
Goblin 1: Let’s try to catch up with those humans…
Fruit Pie: Growing… so cold… I regret… nothing…

0092
Reading is Fundamental
Vaarsuvius, Haley, Belkar, Elan, Goblin Teen, Roy, Goblin 1, Goblin 2, Goblin 3, Other Goblins

Vaarsuvius: Sir Greenhilt has fallen behind. The goblins are right on his heels.
Haley: He needs to invest in a decent pair of running shoes if we are going to keep fleeing from things like this.
Belkar: Pffft. Shoes are for suckers. All part of a big conspiracy on the part of the cobblers.
Elan: The peach desserts? Wow, they always looked so innocent.
Belkar: Crap! A dead end! We’re so screwed!
Haley: Start searching for secret doors.
Vaarsuvius: I do not sense a secret door.
Haley: It’s a dungeon, V, there’s always a secret door.
Goblin Teen: Pssst!! Hey, down here. It’s safe.
Haley: Eek!
Belkar: It’s a trap door!
Haley: Told you so. Wait, we need to be careful. Who are you?
Goblin Teen: I can tell you who we’re not. We’re not 50 angry goblin soldiers.
Haley: Point taken. Everyone down the trap door.
Vaarsuvius: I shall wait for Sir Greenhilt and Master Thundershield. I have an idea.
Elan: Wheee!
Roy: They are right behind us! V, stop writing on the wall and get out there!
Haley: In! In!
Vaarsuvius: Yes, yes, one moment…
Goblin 1: Aha! Now we’ve got you… …trapped?
Goblin 2: Dead end! Start searching for secret doors.
Goblin 3: Why?
Goblin 2: It’s a dungeon, there’s always a secret door.
Goblin 1: Wait, is there something written on the wall over there?
Goblin: Oh yeah.
Other Goblin: What’s it say?
Goblin 2: Hold on, it’s real tiny, I gotta get close.
Another Goblin: I wanna see!
Wall: I prepared Explosive Runes this morning.
Goblin 3: Huh. I wonder what that-

0093
Teenage Wasteland
Roy, Durkon, Haley, Goblin Teen 1, Goblin Teen 2, Girl Goblin Teen, Goblin Teen 3, Goblin Teen 4, Goblin Father, Goblin Mother, Elan, Ian Starshine

Roy: Hey, thanks for saving us from the- goblins??
Durkon: Thor’s beard! Yer goblins too! We been tricked!
(D): Thor’s bread! You’re goblins too! We’ve been tricked!
Goblin Teen 1: No, dude!
Goblin Teen 2: Be cool, just chill.
Goblin Teen 1: Those old guys are bogus.
Goblin Teen 2: You know how goblins are “usually Neutral Evil”? We think that’s so lame.
Roy: You’re Good aligned goblins?
Goblin Teen 1: Hell yeah!
Goblin Teen 2: Completely.
Girl Goblin Teen: Listen, we can zip you past those other guys. This is, like, a hella secret tunnel.
Goblin Teen 3: Seriously.
Roy: Well, while I certainly appreciate the help, I can’t risk further endangering children.
Haley: No, wait- don’t you see it, Roy? They are arbitrarily rejecting their traditional belief system and embracing everything their elders despise. They’re not children - They’re TEENAGERS!
Goblin Teen 4: Sh’yeah.
Roy: Wait, you’re saying that they are Good because-
Haley: -because it cheeses off their parents, who are Evil. You got it.
Goblin Teen 1: Dude, you have no idea how hard it sucks. My dad is, like, the priest of this big demon prince guy. So bogus.
Goblin Father: Listen to me, young man, you will drink the blood of the innocent and you will LIKE IT.
Goblin Mother: And would it kill you to dress all in black once in a while?
Goblin Teen 1: You don’t understand what I’m going through!
Haley: <whispers> Roy, I think they’ll go out of their way to help us. It’s all a big cry for attention, but it can work in our favor.
Roy: Hmmm. OK, guys, lead on.
Elan: Wow, Haley, how come you understand the teenage mind so well?
Haley: Ummmm…
Ian Starshine: No allowance until you clean up this room.
Haley: Life is pain.
Haley: …no reason.

0094
The Path to Victory
Goblin Teen 3, Roy, Durkon, Goblin Teen 1, Goblin Teen 2, Belkar, Kobold

Goblin Teen 3: So, where are you headed? Back to the surface?
Roy: Um, no, actually. We’re headed down, to Xykon’s secret lair.
Goblin Teen 3: What?> You’re kidding. He’ll like totally kill you.
Roy: Not if we kill him first.
Durkon: Heh heh.
Goblin Teen 1: The two of us can lead part of the way, but the path is through many dangerous areas.
Goblin Teen 2: We’d first need to go that way, through the Hall of Mysterious Runes.
Roy: Then lead on!
Belkar: Hey, not to be nitpicky, but we just ran away from goblins. How are we actually expecting to defeat a powerful necromancer?
Goblin Teen 1: Then through the Cavern of Very Easy Encounters…
Roy: I’ve been thinking about that, ever since my dad said something similar last night.
Belkar: Isn’t your dad dead?
Roy: Yes.
Kobold: Yeek!
Goblin Teen 2: …to the Room With All the Spikes…
Roy: Anyway, he really ragged on me about my sword not being able to hurt Xykon’s body.
Goblin Teen 1: We’re coming up on the Chasm of Unnecessary Cliffs.
Roy: But Xykon is not just a skeleton. He is also a creature of magic: a lich. There should be a way we can ruin the spells that bind his soul to his world.
Durkon: Aye, ye could disrupt him.
(D): Yeah, you could disrupt him.
Roy: Disrupt?
Goblin Teen 2: Next, we’ll travel through the Tunnel with the Sort of Reddish Floor.
Durkon: Aye, I could cast a Disruption spell on yer sword, lettin’ ye smite any undead ye touch it with.
(D): Yeah, I could cast a Disruption spell on your sword, letting you smite any undead you touch it with.
Roy: Perfect. With that spell, my sword should be able to strike down Xykon once and for all.
Goblin Teen 1: Soon, we will arrive at the Passageway of Horrible Death for Other People.
Durkon: It only be lasting a few rounds, tho, so be ready.
(D): It only lasts a few rounds, though, so be ready.
Roy: I understand. When we get to Xykon’s lair, then, cast the spell on my sword.
Durkon: Got it.
Goblin Teen 2: And now we’re entering the Corridor of Very Toxic Sulfur Fumes.
Durkon: cough
Roy: Wow, the sheer novelty of having a plan in advance is making me giddy.
Goblin Teen 2: Actually, that’s the aforementioned sulfur fumes.
Goblin Teen 1: They cause brain damage.
Belkar: Meh. Either way.

0095
Dead Men Tell Tales
Redcloak, Roach 1, Roach 2, Xykon, Dead Goblin, Roach 3, Roach 4

Redcloak: <whispers> Closer… closer…
Roach 1: I dunno, seems pricey…
Xykon: Redcloak!
Redcloak: AAAAHHHH!
Roach 1: Aaahh!
Roach 2: Run!
Xykon: What in the Nine Hells are you doing?
Redcloak: Your Evilness’ secret weapon managed to attract more of the demon-roaches. I was trying to get rid of them.
Xykon: Wow, what a waste of time.
Redcloak: Yeah, pretty much.
Xykon: No, seriously, that’s pathetic.
Redcloak: I am well aware, sir.
Xykon: Listen, drop that. I need some of your evil cleric mojo.
Redcloak: Ah, of course, Master. What do you require?
Xykon: I need you to Speak with Dead.
Redcloak: …Um, OK, hello, sir, how are you today? This is lovely weather-
Xykon: Not me, you moron! THIS guy.
Redcloak: Gahh!
Xykon: Yeah. I tried to send him through the Gate, and that big rune zapped him. Fifth one this week.
Redcloak: That’s… I know that guy, sir.
Xykon: Hmm? Oh. So sorry for your loss, can you cast the damn spell?
Redcloak: Of course, sir. Speak with Dead!
Xykon: Hey! Hey you! Dead goblin! Can you hear me?
Dead Goblin: yesssssssss… you have wrest my ssspirit from itsss rightful ressst… you have questions?
Xykon: I have only one question for you, and the success of the scheme depends on it. My question is this: Do you know where my keys are?
Dead Goblin: Pockettttt…
Xykon: Thanks! The conjuring of his immortal soul saved me the inconvenience of digging out the spare set I keep in my desk.
Redcloak: Sigh. I live to serve.
Roach 3: Hey babe, a motel!
Roach 4: What kind of girl do you think I am?

AND 96 - 100

0096
Gate? What Gate?
Redcloak, Xykon, Monster in the Darkness

Redcloak: Sir, if I may?
Xykon: Oy, what is it now?
Redcloak: I’m wondering if there might be some way to experiment with unsealing the gate with less…”zapping”.
Monster in the Darkness: Gate? What gate?
Redcloak: You’ve been sending goblins through the gate ever since we arrived here, and every one has been killed horribly.
Monster in the Darkness: I’ve never heard of any gate.
Xykon: Hey, you know as well as I do that The Plan ain’t going anywhere until we unseal that gate.
Monster in the Darkness: I’m not familiar with any gates.
Redcloak: But using the goblins as guinea pigs is wrecking havoc with goblin morale.
Xykon: Hmm, well, I’ve got two words for goblin morale: Goblin zombies.
Redcloak: Excellent point.
Monster in the Darkness: If there was a gate of some sort, I should have-
Xykon: Oh, for the love of- LOOK!
Monster in the Darkness: Huh, I never noticed that before. But anyway, back to this gate I hear so much about…

0097
Evil Plans
Monster in the Darkness, Redcloak, Xykon, Nale, Roach

Monster in the Darkness: It’s not my fault I can’t see anything in all this darkness…
Redcloak: I’m sorry, sir, I can’t just let this issue go. If you keep sending goblins into-
Xykon: Don’t get your panties in a twist, Redcloak. I already know how to unseal the gate. I don’t need any more experiments.
Redcloak: What? How??
Xykon: That worthless buffoon Nale told me how. Think about it. We were watching him fail to kill the Order of the Stick, when he said:
Past!Nale: …I knew we needed someone of “pure heart” to use the Sigils…
Xykon: The same wizard who built the gate, Dorukan, made that stupid amulet Nale wanted.
Redcloak: So it stands to reason that he would use the same sort of sigils to seal off the gate, too. Of course! But, if you’ve known all this time, why do you keep sending goblins to their death?
Xykon: Because I’m BORED! The good guys are taking too long to get down here. But I have a plan in motion that will make it all good-in an evil sort of way. Soon, in one masterful stroke, the gate will be unsealed and the Order of the Stick will be crushed!
Monster in the Darkness and Redcloak: BWA HA HA HA HA!
Redcloak: Sir, aren’t you going to join us in a hearty evil villain laugh?
Xykon: Umm, well, actually… Actually, ever since I became a lich, I haven’t been able to get quite the same volume on my evil laugh. Since I don’t technically have lungs.
Redcloak: Oh, right.
Roach; cough.

0098
Mmmmm… Tasty
Goblin Teen 1, Haley, Roy, Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Durkon

Goblin Teen 1: …And that was the Corridor That Takes Three Strips to Walk Through.
Haley: I wonder why they call it that.
Roy: Uh oh.
Elan: Man, I wish *I* had Trap Sense as a class ability.
Roy: Show off. What is this stuff? Some kind of acid?
Elan: Blech. It’s all sticky!
Belkar: No way. I know acid, I’ve been sprayed by acid several times before, and this, sir, is no acid.
Roy: What is it then?
Vaarsuvius: I could make an Alchemy skill check.
Durkon: Don’tcha mean Craft(Alchemy)?
(D): Don’t you mean Craft(Alchemy)?
Vaarsuvius: Silence.
Belkar: Wait- Halfling senses activated! Sensing vinegar… molasses… tomato paste… brown sugar!
Vaarsuvius: Fascinating. This, then, poses an even more interesting question. Namely, what purpose is served by a trap that sprays only barbeque sauce?

0099
Grilled to Perfection
Snake, Roy, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Belkar, Goblin Teen 2

Snake: Hisssssssss!!
Roy: Holy-
Elan: Ahhh!
Vaarsuvius: Aha! Now I understand.
Durkon: Aye, we’ve been turn’d inta pub snacks!!
(D): Yeah, we’ve been turned into pub snacks!!
Vaarsuvius: Not if I have anything to say on the matter. And, as a point of fact, I do. FIREBALL!
Belkar: Um, guys…
Durkon: Ho ho! Now who’s tha pub snack!
(D): Ho ho! Now who’s the pub snack!
Goblin Teen 2: Mmmm… delicious!
Elan: The fireball sears in the deep roasted flavor!
Roy: Hmmm, not half bad… Hey Haley, can you search that pit- Damnit! Not again!
Belkar: Not my fault! I couldn’t even act in the surprise round!

0100
Teenage Boys Are CR 1
Haley, Goblin Teen 1, Evil College Professor

Haley: Uhhhhh… my head… Hey, I thought you were Lawful Good.
Goblin Teen 1: Meh. Turned out to be a phase I was going through. Besides, Xykon offered to write me a good recommendation for college if I betrayed one of you. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get into the Evil Ivy League?
Evil College Professor: Hmmm, well, his grades are good, but he’s lacking in evil extracurriculars.
Haley: Wow, That’s really impressive.
Goblin Teen 1: Really?
Haley: Oh yeah. I can’t believe I never noticed this side of you before. Tell me more of your diabolical scheme, so that I can swoon at your manly evilness.
Goblin Teen 1: Uh…OK! Well, Xykon needed one of you captured because he has this magical rune thing that needs to be touched by someone with a pure heart.
Haley: You don’t say?
Goblin Teen 1: Yeah, he’s got some big gate. That’s why I’m bringing you to see him.
Haley: Wow, you really got me good.
Goblin Teen 1: Yeah?
Haley: I’m completely at your mercy.
Goblin Teen 1: Yeah.
Haley: You can do… anything… you want.
Goblin Teen 1: Yeah.
Haley: HEAD BUTT SNEAK ATTACK! Loser. And here I thought that there would be something special for the 100th episode.

I did my best with the invisibility scenes, but...

FantomFang

2008-10-01, 01:10 AM

Sorry, I've been slower than I expected. I blame Geography papers!

201

0201
Seeing Signs
Roy, Miko, Durkon, Thor's Minion, Thor

Roy: That's odd.
Miko: That's odd. I do not understand. My Smite Evil attack should have finished you off...
Roy: It didn't exactly tickle, honey.
Durkon: You have to stop! He's not Evil!
(D): You have to stop! He's not Evil!
Miko: You seem wiser than your company would indicate, dwarf. I am willing to halt my attacks if you can help make sense of this.
Durkon: Aye, I think I can do just that, lass. If ye let me tend to me leader.
(D): Yes, I think I can do just that, if you let me tend to my leader.
Miko: ...Agreed. But do not try to escape.
Roy: Durkon, either you have some tenuous grasp on what's going on, or you've gone stark raving mad. Please tell me it's the former.
Durkon: She's a paladin, Roy. She thinks we're the Bad Guys.
(D): She's a paladin, Roy. She thinks we're the Bad Guys.
Roy: I suppose that explains...nothing.
Durkon: Well, lad, she's got good saving throws, a smart horse, an' she just tried ta Smite Evil. Sounds like a paladin to me. Heal.
(D): Well, Roy, she has good saving throws, a smart horse, and she just tried to Smite Evil. Sound like a paladin to me. Heal.
Roy: No, I get that part now. I mean, since she tried to kill us with hardly any warning, what made you try to surrender in the middle of the fight there?
Durkon: Ahh! THe storm was the clue, lad. I told ye Thor uses storms to warn and to bless. But this storm clearly even'd tha fight between us and the paladin lass. But I was thinkin': Thor is MY patron god. Why would 'e send a storm that hampered my team so badly?...unless it was his intent all along tha we be not winnin'. Think aboot it: if we'd fought in clear weather, we likely would've killed this lass in one or two rounds, as Haley would've shot true, and V's spell might not've fizzled. Therefore, Lord Thor must not WANT us to have killed her. And therefore, she must be Good. Ah, and see, tha storm now lets up, thus signalin' tha I have interpret'd Thor's divine will correctly. This meeting was indeed ordained by my god.
(D): Ahh! The storm was the clue, Roy. I told you that Thor uses storms to warn and to bless. But this storm clearly evened the fight between us and the paladin. But I was thinking: Thor is MY patron god. Why would he send a storm that hampered my team so badly?...unless it was his intent all along that we lose. Think about it: if we'd fought in clear weather, we likely would've killed her in one or two rounds, as Haley would have shot true, and V's spell might not have fizzled. Therefore, Lord Thor must not WANT us to have killed her. And therefore, she must be Good. Ah, and see, the storm is letting up now, thus signaling that I have interpreted Thor's divine will correctly. This meeting was indeed ordained by my god.
Thor's Minion: Trust me, he's better off not knowing the truth.
Thor: Wheeeeeee!

202

0202
Scanning...
Belkar, Miko, Roy, Durkon, Haley

Belkar: <whispers> Stupid horse...
Miko: You have answered your leader's queries, dwarf, now address mine. You keep asserting that this man is not Evil...
Roy: I prefer to think of myself as more of a "bad boy".
Durkon: Roy, yer not helping.
(D): Roy, you're not helping.
Miko: ...but before I revealed myself, I used my paladin ability to Detect Evil on the group of you, him, and the bard. And he clearly tested as Evil-strongly Evil, at that!
Roy: But I'm NOT Evil!
Miko: Are you calling me a liar??
Roy: No, but-
Durkon: STOP IT! Wait-I have it! Roy, give me Xykon's crown.
(D): STOP IT! Wait-I have it! Roy, give me Xykon's crown.
Roy: What?
Durkon: Laddie, please just trust me!
(D): Roy, please just trust me!
Roy: Ok, fine, but don't scratch it. I want to hand that down to my kids someday.
Durkon: Now lass, Detect Evil on 'im an' me agin.
(D): Now paladin, Detect Evil on him and me again.
Miko: It will change nothing. But as you wish. Detect Evil! Hey-now he registers as Not Evil! But you are scanning as strongly Evil! I do not understand.
Durkon: It's the crown, lass. Roy took it as a trophy from a powerful evil lich he vanquished. The blighter must have worn it so long that some of its Evil rubbed off. Even a good man like Roy wil register as Evil when he's holdin' it.
(D): It's the crown, paladin. Roy took it as a trophy from a powerful evil lich he vanquished. The lich must have worn it for so long that some of its Evil rubbed off. Even a good man like Roy will register as Evil when he's holding it.
Miko: I see. Thank you, honorable dwarf, for your aid.
Durkon: Yer welcome. Now, try scannin' tha rest o' the party, an' ye'll see tha not none o' us are Evil.
(D): Your welcome. Now, try scanning the rest of the party, and you will see that none of us are Evil.
Miko: Very well.
Haley: Hey!
Miko: What in the-? Why are you carrying a sheet of lead?
Belkar: It's a common practice among my people. Halflings in my village carry lead sheets to prove our manhood.
Miko: If you could kindly put it down for one-
Belkar: Stop oppressing my culture, you ethnocentric bitch!

203

0203
Just the Facts, Ma'am
Roy, Miko, Elan, Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Roy: Well there you go! Now that you know that none of us are Evil-
Miko: Actually, the halfling still-
Roy: that NONE of us are Evil, we can put this whole silly thing behind us and I can take you to dinner.
Miko: But what of the tales I heard of your wicked exploits? More than one citizen reported acts of evil perpetrated by a fair-haired man matching the bard's description
Elan/Roy: Nale.
Elan: That wasn't us. That was my brother Nale. He's my evil twin, and leader of the Linear Guild, a band of evil counterparts that are each suspiciously similar to one of us.
Miko: Wait-are you serious? That is your actual explanation? "My evil twin did it"?
Roy: Yeah, I know. I find it's best to not fight the madness. So hey! This is just a wacky case of mistaken identities. No harm, no foul. I was thinking a little candlelit affair, just the two of us...
Miko: I am afraid not. You may not be strictly evil, and you may not be guilty of the ancillary crimes of which I was told by the populace, but you are still charged with crimes against existence. The Sapphire Guard has diviners who do not make mistakes on such things. My ability to gather intelligence may have been flawed, but their magic has indisputably indicated that it was the Order of the Stick, not the "Linear Guild". Thus I am still obligated to enforce that charge and carry out my orders.
Roy: What "crimes against existence"? We're not guilty of any crimes!
Haley: Right, Completely innocent!
Belkar: Never done anything wrong.
Vaarsuvius: Yes. None of us have ever tampered with the fundamental natural order when bored. That would be wrong.
Miko: It matters not. Your guilt or innocence, in the absence of an Evil alignment, is not for me to determine. I am not to merely collect you and deliver you unto my Lord Shojo.
Roy: Can you at least tell us the charges? I think we deserve that much.
Miko: There are no rules prohibiting such...very well. You are charged with weakening the fabric of the universe by destroying the magical gate located in the Redmountain Hills.
Roy: ELAN!!!!
Elan: Yea, though I walk through the valley of Roy being really pissed, I shall fear no thwacking, for my lute and my banjo, they comfort me.

204

0204
What's My Motivation?
Miko, Roy, Haley, Belkar

Miko: Therefore, the six of you are under arrest in the name of my master, Lord Shojo of Azure City.
Roy: Isn't that all the way in the Southern Lands?
Miko: Indeed. It took me nearly 80 strips to get here.
Haley: Roy, if we could conference over here for a moment? Thanks.
Roy: <whispers> Excuse me for just a second.
Belkar: OK, with the rain gone, I say we start with a Disintegrate from V, followed up by Roy and me flanking her. Haley, finish the horse early. Elan, support.
Roy: I have an alternate strategy: We go peacefully with her to see her master and answer the charges.
Haley: Hmmmm...It lacks the punch of Belkar's plan.
Roy: OK, how about this: You guys attack her, then I help her knock your sorry asses out and drag you back by force.
Haley: Now you're just not even trying.
Roy: Look, if you attack now, she will respond with deadly force, and she won't give you another chance to surrender. I would rather help her knock you all out than watch her Ginsu one of you.
Haley: I can't believe you would side with her against us. You don't even know her name!
Roy: Hey honey, what's you name?
Miko: I am Miko Miyazaki, samurai of the Sapphire Guard, vassal of Lord Shojo, daughter of-
Roy: There. Now I do. Guys, listen, this isn't some agent of a dark overlord, this is a PALADIN. She is definitionally one of the Good Guys. I am NOT attacking her! Especially when she's RIGHT! Elan DID destroy that gate when he set off the self-destruct rune, and we're all accessories because we helped him get there. So we are all going to suck it up and let her take us to her master, where we will do our best to explain the extenuating circumstances. Any questions?
Belkar: Are you just going along with this because you want to bone her?
Roy: What?? NO! I am NOT just going along with this because I want to "bone" her!
Haley: Aha! Then you ADMIT that you want to bone her, then!
Roy: Can everyone stop using the word "bone" as a verb?!?

205

0205
A Is Always A
Haley, Durkon

Haley: I can't believe this! Now we're "The Order of the Stick, as fearlessly led by Roy's pants".
Durkon: Haley, lass, wait up. Ye know Roy wouldn't be goin' along with this if he dinnae think it was the right thing. An' so do I.
(D): Haley, wait up. You know Roy wouldn't be going along with this if he didn't think it was the right thing. And so do I.
Haley: Yeah? Well I don't. Not that anyone around here respects my opinions or anything. "Gosh, Haley, I think you're just being paranoid about these fine Linear Guild folks." Anyone else remember that? Letting myself get arrested would be just about the dumbest thing I could possible do right now. Tell you what, Durkon. You think I should go, then put your money where your mouth is. I'll make you this bet: I'll give you 3 chances to give me one good reason-just one!-to not sneak off in the middle of the night with my cut of the loot. Do it, and I'll stay. Fail, and I take half YOUR cut with me when I leave.
Durkon: I'll take the bet. Here's me first reason: Elan.
(D): I'll take the bet. Here's my first reason: Elan.
Haley: Please. Do you really think I couldn't get him to come with me if I tried my hardest? He's a bard, he can't BE Lawful.
Durkon: OK, then, me second chance: What aboot tha treasure?
(D): OK, then, my second chance: What about the treasure?
Haley: What "aboot" it?
Durkon: Ye can't dump even a sixth of tha much gold inta a small town like the one we were at before. Ye need ta get to a city. Ye even said ye were savin' yer cash fer tha city after tha dungeon. An' here this lass wants to escort us all ta some big city in tha south.
(D): You can't dump even a sixth of that much gold into a small town like the one we were at before. You need to get to a city. You even said you were saving your cash for the city after the dungeon. And here this woman wants to escort us all to some big city in the south.
Haley: First, spending the cash sin't my only priority. I have...other bills that need paying. Second, there are a lot of cities in the world.
Durkon: Aye, but all o' them be a fair hike away. Thar's travel expenses; feed fer tha horses, room an' board, meals. As long as we're her "prisoners", she's got a duty ta pay for all o' those expenses. It'll be like getting a free trip.
(D): Yes, but all of them are a fair hike away. And there is travel expenses; feed for the horses, room and board, meals. As long as we are her "prisoners", she's got a duty to pay for all of those expenses. It'll be like getting a free trip.
Haley: Have you looked at the carts?? We have like a million gold pieces there! A trip to the nearest big city miht cost like 1000 gp, tops, if I stayed in a good inn every night. I can totally afford it! Once chance left, D, better make it a good one.
Durkon: Free. Trip.
(D): Free. Trip.
Haley: Darn you!

CrazyMacGuy

2008-10-01, 11:00 AM

OK... sorry to not be watching this as close as I probably should have... I'll get started on 151-200... Should be done by the end of the week... give or take...

truemane

2008-10-01, 11:04 AM

Why is 151-500 Reserved? Does that mean no one's volunteered to help? or that you don't want anyone doing them?

RMS Oceanic

2008-10-01, 12:03 PM

He need to update that, especially as I've just finished 351-400, as I shall now post here if anybody wants to proof read it.

351-360
0351
Pop Quiz, Hotshot
Elan, Nale, Haley, Yokyok, Belkar, Roy, Thog

Elan: That's it, I don't care what Roy said, I'm going to help V!
Nale: Or you could stay here and brush up on your Spot checks.
Elan: NALE!!
Nale: Indeed. The general arrives on the field of battle at last.
Elan: What's going on here? Why are you doing this?
Nale: Why don't you tell me? All of the pieces are in play now. Tell me what YOU think I'm going. Tell me what you see.
Elan: All I see is that you're a mean jerk. A jerky jerk. The jerkiest jerk of all.
Nale: Truly, your cunningly crafted retort stings my pride. Now come on, Elan. You must have some shred of intellect in there. You're still related to me after all. Think. Your allies are distracted and scattered.
Haley: Gpmp, Vzrra vzrra vzrra.
(H): Here, Kitty kitty kitty.
Nale: Your bodyguard has been removed from the area.
Yokyok: He was a good father!
Belkar: But he was a better fashion accessory!
Yokyok: I'LL KILL YOU!
Nale: And the only person with the tactical wits to puzzle it out has been isolated.
Roy: Damn it! This would go a lot faster fi you would just stand still!
Nale: Think about it, Elan. All of that has led up to...what? What event has all of THIS been orchastrated to bring about?
Elan: Killing my friends?
Nale: I don't give a wererat's ass about your friends.
Elan: You and me...
Nale: Yes...
Elan: ...alone in a secluded alley...
Nale: Yes...
Elan: ...with no one left to interfere?
Nale: YES! Very good, brother! I knew this wan't a wasted effort. You are absolutely correct.
Elan: Hooray!
Nale: Well, actually, correct except for the part about us being alone.
Thog: thog make not-nale fall down.
Nale: Bring him. And the knapsack. We need to hurry now.
Thog: yay! time for fun!

0352
The Turnaround
Julia, Durkon, Leekey

Julia: So long, whatever-the-hell-your-name-was, you asymmetrical runt. Have fun searching the warehouse. Now I just need to find some help that's more competent than Roy... Shouldn't be TOO hard... Hey! You there! I need help, or the police, or something. I just escaped from, like, the lamest criminals ever. They had me held hostage for weeks in there. Hellooooooo? This is a life or death emergency, Whiskers. Specifically MY life or death. Are you going to stand there muttering to yourself? Look! Boobs! Don't you like boobs? Don't you want to pay attention to the girl with the boobs? C'mon, this alway works with my teachers... Fantastic. So I engage in a daring solo escape only to find myself on a rooftop with a catatonic gay dwarf. My life never ceases finding new and exciting ways to disappoint. What's the hell are you saying over and over that's more important than looking at my ta-ta's anyway?
Durkon: ...weathercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweath ercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweather-
(D): ...weathercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweath ercontrolweathercontrolweathercontrolweather-
Leekey: Don't worry, my wooden friends! You are well-protected against any lightning attacks! Besides, that bolt struck at least four miles out to sea anyway.
Julia: HOLY CRAP! Did you see-
Durkon: -two Miss'ssippi, three Miss'ssippi, four Miss'ssippi. Now.
(D): -two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi. Now.

0353
If a Druid Falls in the City, Does He Make a Noise?
Thor, Archon, Julia, Durkon, Leekey
Thor: BOOYAH! Direct hit!
Archon: Lord Thor, I've been reading the descriptiong of Control Weather...and I'm not sure it can actually DO that.
Thor: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you just there. What did you say again?
Archon: *sigh* I said, "Nice shooting, sir."
Thor: That's what I thought. I'm gonna get tanked and paw sif for a while. Let me know if the dwarf lives or dies.
Julia: That...that was...incredible!
Durkon: Focus, Julia! Ye haf to follow me back down ta tha street now, double time, else we'll lose what advantage we just got.
(D): Focus, Julia! You have to follow me back down to the street now, double time, or we'll lose what advantage we just got.
Julia: Wait...how do you know my name?
Durkon: I'm here wit yer brother, Roy. Him an' ye haf tha same eyes. And incident'lly, him an' ye an' me will be havin' a conversation when this is over aboot wha is an' wha is not proper behavior fer a young lady o' yer age. Do I make meself clear?
(D): I'm here with your brother, Roy. He and you have the same eyes. And incidentally, him and you and me will be having a conversation when this is over about what is and what is not proper behavior for a young lady of your age. Do I make myself clear?
Julia: ...Yes, sir.
Durkon: Good. Now hurry; tha scroll did tha trick, but methinks it knocked me buddy Vaarsuvius out cold all tha same.
(D): Good. Now hurry; the scroll did the trick, but methinks it knocked my buddy Vaarsuvius out cold all the same.
Leekey: My trees! My beautiful trees! Somebody shall surely pay for this affront to-
Durkon: On yer feet an' face me! Ye may haf tha upper hand in magic, but ther's na way a primary spellcaster like ye can survive in melee combat fer long if'n he hadn't prepared fer it! Ah, right. Druid. Ne'er mind, then.
(D): On your feet and face me! You may have the upper hand in magic, but there's no way a primary spellcaster like you can survive in melee combat for long if he hadn't prepared for it! Ah, right. Druid. Never mind, then.

0354
Copper Piece Arcade
Julia, Durkon, Pompey, Chief, Rookie

Julia: That looks like it hurt.
Durkon: 'Ere, make yourself useful, lass, an' shove this potion down tha elf's throat.
(D): Here, make yourself useful, lass, and shove this potion down the elf's throat.
Julia: Uh, OK, but...don't you think you'll need it more?
Durkon: I'll wear 'im down. I can still cast all me healin' spells, but he cannae heal 'imself while he's in the shape o' tha dire bear. Well, unless he took the Natural Spell feat.
(D): I'll wear him down. I can still cast all my healing spells, but he can't heal himself while he's in the shape of the dire bear. Well, unless he took the Natural Spell feat.
Julia: Wait, I'm confused- There are druids who DON'T take the Natural Spell feat?
Durkon: Just go! THOR'S MIGHT!
(D): Just go! THOR'S MIGHT!
Julia: OK, OK, you can do this, Julia. Just find the elf and give her the potion. Crap, or is it a "him"? He didn't say...
Pompey: There she is! How did she get out into the battle? If Nale sees her, I'm toast. Summon Monster II! Again! Hell, Summon Monster I, too.
Julia: Ugh, what are those? Giant centipedes? Gross! Suck on force damage, bugs! Magic Missile! Help! I'm out of quarters! I mean, "spells"!
Chief: Man, that brought back memories.
Rookie: I don't get.
Chief; Before your time, kid. Before your time.

0355
Sore Loser
Julia, Chief, Sabine, Roy

Julia: Two weeks ago, I was kidnapped from my school by a human named Nale and his evil party of adventurers, which included a half-orc, a half-elf, a gnome, a kobold, and either a demon or a devil, I'm not really sure which. They lured my brother - and, apparently, his band of good adventurers - and now they're having a big fight scene. Now can I stop explaining what's going on here and deliver this healing potion?
Chief: So, the giant bear is...
Julia: Evil.
Chief: And the giant dwarf is...
Julia: An oxymoron.
Chief: Cute. So your brother rescued you from these bad guys?
Julia: As if, I escaped on my own.
Chief: I see. So, then where is your brother right now?
Sabine: Die, mortal! Can't you see that you're doomed to lose? Uh oh.
Roy: Oh, definately. I mean, unless I manage to wait until all of your enhancement spells wear off. Oh look! They just did.
Sabine: Stupid-one-minute-per-level durations! Whose dumb idea was it to only get an apprentice wizard for the Guild, anyway? OK! OK, I surrender. You're beaten me fair and square.
Roy: Excellent, I'm glad you can see-
Sabine: Which means that I'm all yours now.
Roy: Whoa, what?
Sabine: You've captured me in battle. I belong to you now. You can do anything you want with me. To the victor goes the spoils. And what better way to get back at Nale for kidnapping your baby sister? You can't honestly tell me this didn't cross your mind while we were fighting, can you? I promise: this time, when I manhandle you, it will feel a LOT better.
Roy: Anything I want, you say?
Sabine: Anything.
Roy: Hey, you were right. That DID feel better than before. Nice piercings, though.

356-3600356
Knight Takes Pawn
Pompey, Roy, Julia, Chief, Sabine

Pompey: Crush the police, my evil insect minions! Kill them! You know, technically, I'm just an innocent victim here.
Roy: Shut up.
Pompey: Shutting up, yessir.
Roy: Where is she?!?
Pompey: She escaped! She was fighting my summoned monsters.
Roy: Fantastic. I'm sure her keen ability to point out other peoples' shortcomings is serving her well in the heat of battle. Well, while we walk, why don't you explain Nale's grand plan to me, in as excruciating detail as you are capable of remembering. Not that it matters, since it's pretty much been shot to Hades by this point.
Pompey: I don't know! I'm just a lackey!
Roy: What I don't get is why he bothered to kidnap my sister. He didn't even TRY to bargain with me for her life or anything.
Pompey: What part of "lackey" don't you understand? Geez...
Roy: There you are! I've been looking all over for you.
Julia: Want a medal?
Roy: You're the chief of police?
Chief: At least until the mayor puts my head on a pike for this kind of ruckus in an election year.
Roy: My name is Roy Greenhilt, and I lead an adventuring party named the Order of the Stick. Sorry for the mess around here, but we were attempting to rescure my kid sister there from a kidnapping plot cooked up by the evil twin of one of my colleagues. This little creep was in on it too. He summoned those centipedes that attacked you.#
Chief: Take him back to HQ and throw him in a cell 'til I get back.
Sabine: You got it, Chief.
Chief: We'll hold him while we get the rest of this sorted out.
Roy: I haven't seen the ringleader yet, a male human with blond hair and a goatee, or his half-orc thug, but I managed to knock out his girlfriend, who was also in- Aw crap. Where'd she go??
Sabine: *Whistles*

0357
Pen Beats Sword
Yokyok, Belkar

Belkar: Bet you a beer that the lightning was good news for my team, bad news for yours!
Yokyok: They are not my "team," murderer, merely a means to an end. Your end, to be specific. I would normally never stoop to travel with scoundrels such as the Linear Guild. However, Nale promised to deliver you to my waiting blade without requirign anything of me but the fulfillment of my oath to destroy you.
Belkar: Hold on, does that mean you aren't getting anything from Nale, either?
Yokyok: I need no money to kill you, villain! I'm pure righteous justice, here to deliver your rightful punishment at the end of a sword!
Belkar: More plot-critical characters than you have tried and failed. But don't worry your orange little head about it. This will all be over soon. And you just gave me the idea too. HA!
Yokyok: Ha?
Belkar: HA!
Yokyok: This? This is to what the cold-blooded killer of my father Yikyik has been reduced? Some sort of handwritten note tacked-
Belkar: HEROES NEEDED! Kobold menace in midtown Cliffport threatens nearby halfling. Bounty paid: 200gp per kobold head.
Yokyok: Oh shi-
Belkar: Getting paid to kill things: Cornerstone of the world economy. An extra 50gp to the one who makes him scream the loudest!

0358
A Taste of Victory
Roy, Chief, Vaarsuvius, Leekey, Belkar

Roy: Look officer, I can't spend all day chit-chattign with you. My friend is up there fighting, I don't know, a giant bear or something. Also, there may be other issues that require my immediate attention.
Chief: I like your proactive management style, kid. Let's go.
Roy: No offense, but you and your men should stay here, away from the battle. These are high-level villains here. Let my people handle this, we're trained professionals. Well, we're semi-trained quasi-professionals, at any rate.
Roy: All right, Greenhilt, we'll play it your way. Hold position, people. Julia, stay with the cops. V, you're with me. Is the bear- Uh, I mean the gnome - part of Nale's crew or not?
Vaarsuvius: Uncertain, but I surmise it to be so. So far, we have encountered no members of Nale's original Linear Guild, merely the gnome druid and his servants.
Roy: I fought Sabine inside, but she seems to have given us the slip. Again. Hey gnome! There are two ways this can go down: The easy way or the hard way.
Leekey: Druids always pick the hard wayl it encourages natural selection.
Roy: Sounds like a plan to me. OK, gang, let's - BELKAR?? What-what are you doing out here? Where's Elan? Did you leave him alone just so you could what? Get some potato chips.
Belkar: Relax, first, we were attacjed by one of Nale's buddies, so I technically was protecting elan. At least, as well as I could with this curse. And second, they're tortilla chips. I also have salse. Extra chunky, heh heh.

0359
Roll Over
Roy, Vaarsuvius, Belkar, Leekey, Firestorm, Green Lantern, Batman, Durkon
Roy: We need to finish this now. Elan might me in trouble.
Vaarsuvius: Undoubtedly.
Belkar: What, you don't actually think I'd eat this crap, do you? It's just for squicking Roy out. Do me a favor, don't say anything about it.
Leekey: You date to think you could defeat me? Then feel the raw anger of nature...feel the fury of - FIRE STORM!
Firestorm: There it is again!
Green Lantern: You're just being paranoid, no one is talking about you.
Batman: Relax, old chum.
Leekey: Hea-Blast!
Vaarsuvius: Dispel Magic!
Leekey: AARRGH! You subterranean swine, I shall-
Durkon: Stay! Sit!
(D): Stay! Sit!
Leekey: Do not speak to me-
Durkon: Sit. Good boy.
(D): Stay! Sit!

0360
Hail to the Chief
Cop #1, Cop #2, Cop #3, Julia, Chief, Rookie

Cop #1: That dwarf owned.
Cop #2: Yeah, he was all, "Thwack!" and the gnome was all, "Gah!"
Cop #3: Seriously.
Julia: I, uh, I know him. Kinda.
Cop #1: Really? That's so cool.
Cop #2: Let's totally pay attention to you.
Cop #3: Seriously.
Julia: Not my usual technique, but...
Chief: I have NEVER seen so many cops standing around going nothing since that time the Donut Chariot was an hour late! What in the Nine Hells is going on here, people.
Cop #3: Chief, the fight's over. THose adventurers beat the druid.
Chief: Did someone apply the half-moron template to your base creature? We're not here for the druid, chucklehead, we're here for a pair of serial killers. Get your low-level asses out there and canvas the neighborhood!
Cop #2: The whole neighborhood? That's a lot of canvas...
Cop #3: Don't worry, I know a place that sells it by the yard.
Rookie: Sir, those adventurers might know something about the killings, too.
Chief: Good thinking, rookie, I agree. Get their attention.
Rookie. HEY! HEY! Sir, I don't think they're paying attention.
Chief: 'Course not, we're just lowly NPCs. They're the conquering heroes, no time to listen to us. You get over there and you MAKE them listen. Find out what they know. Don't be afraid to make a few Intimidate checks, you're the law in this town. Take the sister, you might get a circumstance bonus on it.
Julia: Great, so I'm what, a masterwork item now?
Chief: I swear, if it weren't for the new kid, this whole squad would have the common sense of a medusa checking her make-up. I'm getting too old for-

361-365
0361
Framing the Picture
Rookie, Nale, Julia, Thog, Haley, Roy, Cop #1, Cop #3, Cop #2

Rookie: CHIEF!!
Nale: Oops, I think I was suppost to yell, "Sneak Attack" just there.
Julia: Nale, you Bastard! You didn't need to kill him just to recapture me!
Nale: I'm happy to see that you are still firmly rooted at the centre of your own personal universe, Julia, but sadly, you are no longer of any use to me.
Rookie: HEY! You stupid adventurers! Pay attention!
Nale: Thog! Pull me up!
Thog: thog lift with knees, not back.
Haley: Bior pkdt! Hn'g Mdos!
(H): Holy crap! It's Nale!
Rookie: He killed the Chief! Get your crossbows out! Ventilate him!
Roy: C'mon, gnome, spill the beans. Where is Nale? Where did he take Elan?
Haley: Gnit ohgnsmhme ni riwkgsoa gtsdc aik imps dmj OIIC qbsks H'x GBIINHME!
(H): Stop listening to yourself speak for once and LOOK where I'm SHOOTING!
Nale: AARGH! Damn it!
We don't have much time. A minute before the cops find the right room, maybe a few rounds more before Greenhilt shows.
Thog: oooo! head-on-a-stick!
Nale: I'm sorry, old friend. We've been through a lot together, but it's time to let you go now. Hand me the knapsack. Sovereign Glue..."Caution: Will permanently bond skin." I should hope so, given what I paid for it... There you go. Welcome to puberty. You have your little redheaded girlfriend to thank for giving me this next pleasure.
Elan: AAARGH!
Nale: Keep him still, I need to finish gettign dressed. And drink a healing potion, now that I think about it.
Thog: thog hold on tight.
Nale: Hurry up with the rope! Faster!
Thog: sorry. thog never made tenderfoot.
Cop #1: They're over here! This way! I need help with the door!
Rookie: The bastard that killed the Chief are inside. On the count of three: ONE! TWO! THREE!!!
Cop #3: Holy...
Cop #2: Good gods!
Julia: Ugh...I've never seen anything so horrific!
Rookie: I have.
Thog: thog helped!

0362
Grand Theft Identity
Rookie, Elan, Cop #2, Thog, Elan, Roy, Belkar

Rookie: That's the killer, men! Take him down, no mercy!
Elan: Whuh? What's goin' on, guys? No, wait, there's been some sort of mis- AAARGH!
Cop #2: The only mistake I see is you thinking you could get away with murder, you cop-killing piece of crap!
Thog: yay! resisting arrest is fun!
Rookie: Don't worry, citizen, you're safe now.
Nale: But he said he was going to summon a demon to eat my soul!
Rookie: A spellcaster too, eh? GAG 'IM!
Elan: MMMPH!
Roy: Haley, cut it out! Stop pushing- WHOA! Now nale's evil plan makes sense. It's just like Sabine said, he was looking for a sacrifice, only it was Elan, not me. Look at this place, it's like a heavy metal album cover in here!
Nale: (OK, focus, Nale. This is it, the moment of truth. In one instant, Greenhilt will take one look and notice all of the discrepancies... But you've been practising for weeks now...you have the perfect words to convince him that you are Elan. You have an answer for every possible line of inquiry. You will convince him, via sheer willpower, of your identity. This will be your finest moment as an evil mastermind. The the verbal game of cat and mouse commence!) Roy! I'm-
Roy: No time, Elan! We need to help those cops subdue Thog.
Nale: You know, where I'm from, a little suspicion about one's true identity and motives is considered good manners.
Belkar: Hey, Elan. Looks like somebody isn't getting their security deposit back...

0363
I Fought the Law
Thog, Rookie, Nale, Belkar, Roy, Cop #2, Cop #3, Cop #1

Thog: thog chooses to go quietly now.
Rookie: You're under arrest for 417 counts of murder and one count of intent to summon a demon.
Belkar: Wow, what a thrilling battle between Roy, Haley and Thog.
Nale: Right you are, Belkon.
Belkar: Belkar.
Nale: Whatever.
Roy: So, they'll get, like a trial or something, right? Because I knwo a really hot lawyer chick who could prosecute...
Rookie: Oh yes, they will get all due process under Cliffport law. When we've finished collecting evicend in about, I'd say, six months or so, we'll contact all witnesses.
Roy: Six months?? Geez, why not just cast a few divinations to determine their guilt and call it a day. Here, I get my cleric up here, we can cast Detect Evil on Nale and Thog right now...
Rookie: NO! Don't!! Magical evidence is not considered admissable in a court of law here in Cliffport, due to the ease with which is can be faked using illusions. In face, a divination is considered an illegal search and serizure, and could get the whole case thrown out of court! I'm not letting the man who put my mentor's head on a sword just walk because you can't keep your magic to yourself.
Roy: OK, OK, chill.
Cop #2: When did he become the boss?
Cop #3: Just roll with it.
Rookie: Now take your adventurers and get out of my city before I find a way to charge you with something in this mess. I'm going to have a tough enough tiem explaining this to the mayor as it is...
Nale: Wait! You need to bring him over here!
Roy: Elan, what are you-?
Nale: Everyone knows that when the cops drag the villain away, they always pause right in front go the hero so that can glare one last time.
Cop #1: He's right, it's in the manual.
Rookie: *sigh* Fine.
Nale: <whispers> What, you didn't think I chose Cliffport at random, did you? Have fun in prison, your friends will all be dead before the trial begins.
Roy: Well, at least you didn't say-
Nale: Take 'em away, boys!
Roy: Yeah, that.

0364
Consider Their Lineage
Roy, Nale, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Julia, Sabine

Roy: Well, the cops are done in there, we're free to go back to Azure City.
Nale: I'm Elan!
Vaarsuvius: Yes, so you have told me no less than seven times in the last hour.
Durkon: Now lass, rememb'r wha I told ye about respect fer yerself an' yer body, eye?
(D): Now lass, remember what I told you about respect for yourself and your body, OK?
Julia: Yes, sir.
Roy: So I guess it's back to wizard school for you?
Julia: Oh yeah, I've had enough playign adventurer for now. I look forward to resuming my duties as the coolest and sexiest girl in school.
Roy: I guess it's too much to hope for you to thank me for rescuing you, right?
Julia: I guess it's too much to hope for you to apologize for getiing me kidnapped in the first place, right?
Roy: Hey, it's not my fault you got kidnapped by a villain. These things happen.
Julia: Except insofar as it totally WAS your fault, since he did it to get at you.
Roy: What, the ever-touted almighty power of magic wasn't enough to protect you? You needed someone to hit something with a stick?
Julia: Considering it was a cleric that did all the real work, you can bite my spell slots, meat shield. Geez, no wonder you couldn't cut it as a spellcaster, you're way to bust congratulating yourself.
Roy: Why you little spoiled child-
Julia: Hero complex.
Roy: Attention seeker.
Julia: Martyr.
Roy: Brat.
Julia: Jackass!
Roy: Bitch!
Julia: Tell Dad I said, "Hi."
Roy: I'm surprised he hasn't visited.
Julia: The school has pretty good wards against that sort of thing.
Roy: Love you
Julia: Love you too. Hey, maybe try to loosen up a little before the next time you visit.
Roy: Maybe you should try to tighten up a little- As in, put some clothes on, girl.
Nale: Weird... It's almost like they don't even HAVE and obsessive homicidal grudge against their sibling.
Sabine: Nale, honey, some families are just, different.

0365
Caught in the Act
Nale, Sabine, Vaarsuvius

Nale: Ah, Sabine, good. Greenhilt and the rest are teleporting down to a place called, "Azure City". Are you familiar with it?
Sabine: Sure, some old buddies of mine did time there once. I can make it there in...three days? Maybe four, depending on the wind.
Nale: Wow, that fast?
Sabine: I don't get tired.
Nale: Heh. Believe me, I know. OK, bring Pompey and-
Sabine: Nu uh, no way. I'm not flying for three days with that little pervert "accidentally" groping me the entire time. It's not happening.
Nale: Ugh, fine. Tell him to stay here and watch the prison, then. Tell him to use a Sending Scroll if anything changes. You, fly down and meet me in Azure City as soon as you can. This disguise won't work forever. Except maybe for the haldling.
Sabine: Don't kill the girl until I get down there. I want to cut her up personally.
Nale: Well, I'll do what I can, but I'm on a strict, "First alone, first killed," policy here. No promises. I must depart, my love.
Sabine: Not before you give me some evil sugar.
Vaarsuvius: Elan! The time of our departure is nigh at hand! One moment - who is that there in the shadows with you? In what activity are you engaged?
Nale: Oh crap, it's the elf.
Sabine: Follow my lead. He was just speaking to me, a police officer, about his brother Nale's treatment in prison.
Nale: Right! Right, because I am Elan, and I am foolishly and inexplicably merciful to enemies that would gladly butcher me, against the better judgement of my allies.
Vaarsuvius: Hmmm. Well, that certainly is one of your more puzzling qualities. Very well. At any rate, cease making out with him and let us leave, forthwith. And best straighten your clothes before Miss Starshine sees you. Your sash is on backwards.
Nale: Must...resist...urge ti assert...heterosexuality! For the sake...of the plan!
Sabine: Honey, I'm a shapechanger, it's not like we never tried-
Nale: Not! Helping!

366-3700366
Porting Out
Vaarsuvius, Roy, Wizard Guy, Durkon, Belkar, Nale

Vaarsuvius: Elan is on his way presently.
Roy: OK we're almost ready to go...uh...Wizard Guy.
Wizard Guy: Oh shwell... Thank you fer honoring me by usin' my given name.
Roy: So Durkon, I have to say, you really outdid yourself against that druid there.
Durkon: Aye, thank ye, but that real praise must go ta me lord, Thor.
(D): Yeah, thank you, but that real praise must go to my lord, Thor.
Belkar: I dunno, it wasn't Thor down here whacking a giant bear in the face over and over.
Wizard Guy: You know, I didn't NEED to be a wizard. It's not like I enjoy ferrying adventurers all over the place.
Durkon: Thank ye. It's like me granpappy always used ta say: Speak softly and beware of big sticks.
(D): Thank you. It's like my grandfather always used to say: Speak softly and beware of big sticks.
Belkar: Of course. I respect you for a nanosecond, and what do I get for my trouble? A dwarf pun. Moron.
Wizard Guy: I coulda been a baker, you know.
Nale: Sorry, sorry, I was...over there, doing something you'd rather not know about.
Roy: You are almost certainly correct.
Wizard Guy: They said my cherry turnovers were the best they'd ever tasted.
Roy: Well, I don't know about anyone else, but this was an afternoon well spent in my book.
Belkar: You spent hald the time getting smacked around by a girl.
Wizard Guy: Bundt, bundt, bundt, bundt...
Roy: True, But we saved a city from a crazy driod, thwarted the villain's plan, rescued the damsel in distress - and still have plenty of time to get back to our mission to stop the forces of Evil from getting their hands on the secret power to bring about the apocalypse.
Nale: I couldn't agree more, Roy!
Wizard Guy: TELEPORT!
Nale: Wait, what did you just-

0367
Innocent Man
Warden, Thog, Elan
Warden: Welcome to prison, you disgustign pieces of human offal. Now that you've been healed and dressed in your new prison togs, you'll be in that cell there until your trial - and then, gods willing, for the rest of your very short lives.
Thog: thog not human offal. thog HALF-human offal.
Elan: Please! You have to help me! There's been a terrible mistake!
Warden: The mistake was you and your pal here killing out chief and one of our officers. Not to mention a whole bunch of unstatted commoners.
Elan: But it wasn't me! I didn't do it! It was my evil identical twin brother. He switched places with me, his brother, Elan.
Warden: You mean that nice kid who was with the adventurers?
Elan: Yes! No, wait, I mean, no! I mean, yes, that was him, only it wasn't him, because I'm him, and he's me. What I mean is, I didn't try to sacrifice him to a demon, he tried to sacrifice me...well actually, he tried to sacrifice, uh... himself.
Warden: Tried to sacrifice himself? Yeah, uh, when you get your story straight, you let me know.
Elan: But i can't stay in jail any more! I didn't do anything this time!
Warden: "This time"? So, you've been in prison before, eh? A hardened criminal?
Elan: No, no it was all just a misunderstanding! Like this! That time, I'd actually done it, but we got found Not Guilty anyway, because my friend's dad changed the outcome.
Warden: Wow, did you just confess to tampering with a criminal trial?
Elan: What? No!
Warden: We're definately going to need to let a judge handle this. Just make yourself comfortable.
Elan: No! You don't understand! If I don't get out of here, they'll die! They'll all die!
Warden: Threats aren't going to help you. Now settle down. How about you, Toothy? You want to proclaim your innocence here too?
Thog: no. thog guilty.
Warden: Refreshing, a shred of honesty. Why don't you tell me what's going on with your buddy Nale here.
Thog: not nale. not-nale. thog help nail not-nale, not nale. and thog knot not-nale while nale nail not-nale. nale, not not-nale, now nail not-nale by leaving not-nale, not nale, in jail.
Warden: Pleading insanity, then?
Thog: what is "offal"?
Warden: Forget it, Have a nice first night behind bars, I'm sure you'll get used to it after a few months.
Thog: thog too pretty for jail.
Elan: MONTHS?? You can't! You can't leave us here that long! I can't believe this is happening! I'm stuck here in prison for stuff I totally didn't do, while Nale is a free man. And my firends don't know it's him! If I don't warn them, he might kill Roy, ro Durkon, or V, or Belkar...or Haley. I have to get out of here! Help! Can anyone help me?? Can anyone hear me?
Thog: thog hears you!
Elan: Can anyone ELSE hear me? HELP! Help me! I'm innocent! I didn't do it! HELP! Anyone?? Please! I need help! I need to warn Haley.

0368
All Along the Watchtower
Miko, Watchman, Redcloak, Xykon, Monster in the Darkness

Miko: Hail, watchtower.
Watchman: State your business.
Miko: I am Miko Miyazaki, paladin in the service of Lord Shojo. I return from the dwarven lands with important news. I request shelter for the evening, before I continue my travels home on the morrow.
Watchman: Enter, Miyazaki. May our lord's work earn you the blessing of the Twelve Gods.
Miko: To you as well. Windstriker, await my summons in the Celestial Realm.
Watchman: I'll be honest, I expected you to be carrying out monthly supplies from Blueriver Fort, seven days to the east. Our food shipment is four days late, and all we have remaining from the last delivery are tiny packets of soy sauce.
Miko: That is troubling. I cannot assist you in locating your lost supplies, unfortunately. I bear a sealed diplomatic pouch with a return message from the High Priest of Thor. I was given specific instructions that the dwarf's reply to Lord Shojo was of critical importance. However, I should be back at Azure City in another few days. I will inform the military of your ration situation at that time. If I encounter any farmers along the road, I will have them bring you some rice.
Watchman: Thank you, Paladin. We will be able to hold until then. Two visitors in a day? We usually get that many in a week.
Miko: Perhaps they bear your wayward food supplies.
Watchman: Perhaps. State your business.
Redcloak: Sir, have you ever considered the value of owning a really good set of encyclopedias?
Watchman: Ugh, not again! Look, I told you last month, we're not interested. Damned door-to-door salesmen...
Xykon: HA! See? I TOLD you we should have said we were selling Girl Scout cookies.
Redcloak: Yes, well, we would have, if someone hadn't eaten all of the Thin Mints.
Monster in the Darkness: Sometimes, I eat to fill the loneliness.

0369
Fight!
Xykon, Redcloak, Watchman, Miko, Xykon, Demon Roach, Monster in the Darkness

Xykon. OK, enough with the subtle method. Time to try the direct approach.
Demon Roach: Candygram.
Redcloak: That's not the "Redcloak dresses in drag" plan, right?
Xykon: We'll save that for another time. Just blast the door open.
Watchmen: We're under attack!
Redcloak: A paladin of the Sapphire Guard? Here???
Miko: The bearer of the Crimson Mantle? Here??? DIE!!!
Redcloak: DIE!!!
Miko: Abomination! You and your foul god shall never succeed! Smite Evil!
Redcloak: Allow me to relay my deity's succinct retort: HARM!
Miko: ARRRGH!!
Redcloak: ooof!
Miko: If the Crimson Mantle is this close to Azure City, then the gate is in danger... I must warn-
Redcloak: Excuse, I wasn't done yet. I have a few more choice words. Here's one now: Destruction!
Miko: Twelve Gods, protect me!
Redcloak: Now, sir! Zap her with something while she's weak! ...Sir?
Xykon: I'll put 200 gp on the wacky kung-fu chick in Round 6, K.O.
Miko: SMITE EVIL!
Redcloak: GAAAH!!
Xykon: Make that Round 4.
Demon Roach: Pleasure doin' business wit' ya.
Monster in the Darkness: Go the distance, Redcloak! Go the distance!

0370
Kills 'Em Every Time
Miko, Redcloak, Xykon, Watchman

Miko: Now, foul priest of evil, you die!
Redcloak: unnnhhhh...
Xykon: Eh, put a sock in it, Samurai Jill.
Miko: NO! Not again!
Xykon: And seriously, you couldn't have wrapped this up back in Round 4? Geez. I mean, don't get me wrong, watching you and Redcloak beat the stuffing out of each other was a hoot, but since I left my invading army double-parked a few miles back, we're kinda on the clock. Ghostform. Now you two crazy kids play nice, Daddy has to take care of some grown-up stuff.
Miko: I'll kill you both!!
Xykon: Thatta girl.
Watchman: huff...huff... Must warn... Azure City...
Xykon: Hey there.
Watchman: GAH!!
Xykon: Heh, that never gets old. So, funny thing. You know this magical early warning beacon? The one you're just chugging up the stairs for, hoping to activate? Every one of these watchtowers you guys have built accross the countryside houses theirs in the same spot. Weird, huh> Fourth floor, right below the archers. Now, if it were me, I would move it to a different spot in each tower. That way, in the unlikely event that a small strategic strikeforce was moving ahead of, say, a massive horde of hobgoblins, they'd have to waste time looking for where you put the beacon. And that little bit of time might be the difference between getting a warning off to your precious Azure City, or not. You might want to mention that at your next performance review. It might get you that raise you really want. Get it? A "raise"? Because you're dead? A "Raise" Dead?? HA! Meh. They can't all be winners, you know. I gotta save the A-material for the PCs.

371-375
0371
The Road to Heck
Miko, Redcloak, Demon Roach, Monster in the Darkness, Xykon

Miko: So what now, priest? You kill me where I stand, unable to fight back?
Redcloak: Oh, I should. Do you have any idea how many friends - how many family members - your little "crusades" have cost me? Including my mentor, who last wore this cloak.
Demon Roach: Backstoryriffic!
Miko: Pff! As if the bonds of family had any meaning to a souless nihilist who seeks to undo creation.
Redcloak: Proof once more that you paladins have zero ranks in the Knowledge (What the Hell You're Talking About) skill. However, it is up to Lord Xykon, not I, as to whether or not we execute you. You should pray to your dozen gods that he doesn't ask my advice on the matter.
Monster in the Darkness: Dude, Xykon NEVER asks your advice on stuff like that.
Redcloak: *sigh* Yes, I know, I was trying to...ugh, never mind.
Miko: Wait...did you say, "Xykon"?
Xykon: That's me, in the flesh! Except, you know, not.
Miko: Then the Order of the Stick lied! They did NOT destroy you!
Xykon: The who?
Redcloak: (From the dungeon.)
Xykon: Oh, right. Bluepommel and his buddies. Man, did they leave a mess.
Miko: Those deceivers! I knew they could not be trusted to speak the truth, and they seem to have found a way to magically shield their duplicity. Twelve Gods, let it be my righteous anger that brings their lies to justice!
Xykon: I sense much anger in you.
Redcloak: Wow, your mystic senses are perfectly attuned to what she JUST said out loud.
Xykon: Shush, I'm on a tangent here. I get how it makes it easier to get out of bed if you hold yourself all high and mighty above us, but you're really not better than us. You just have a class with tougher alignment restrictions. Remember, paladin: Anger leads to hate, hate leads to...fear? Or is it suffering? I can never remember how this goes.
Redcloak: No, no, it's fear leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, and suffering leads to the Dark Side.
Xykon: Are you sure? Because I really thought "hate" was in there someplace.
Redcloak: Hmm, maybe you're right, that does sorta sound familiar...
Monster in the Darkness: Doesn't something lead to "gluttony"?
Redcloak: No, that's something else.
Xykon: Look, the point it, it's a net gain for Team Us.
Miko: I'm guessing "stupidity" also has a place in that progression.
Redcloak: You have no idea.

0372
Pot v. Kettle
Miko, Xykon, Redcloak

Miko: Vile unnatural abomination! You shall never succeed in your evil quests!
Xykon: Meh. As last words go, I've heard better. Time to die, paladin! ...Hey, just a tip: If you want to start begging for mercy, now's probably the time to go for it.
Miko: I shall not give you the satisfaction. I have no fear. The blessing of the Twelve Gods has removed all traces of fear, mystical or otherwise, from their paladins. Death does not scare me.
Redcloak: Wow. And you have the cajones to call Xykon "unnatural abomination"? With a straight face?
Miko: Excuse me?
Redcloak: Think about it. Is there anything more natural than the fear response? "Fight ro Flight," it's the most basic instinct there is. But thanks to your meddling gods, you've got no fear at all. Which leaves you with, what, "Fight or Fight Some More"? No wonder you're so angry. Maybe that's why you paladins are so full of yourselves. You're immune to the fear that you might be wrong. Immune to the fear of becoming tyrants. You knwo what else has no fear? Constructs. You're at least as "unnatural" as Xykon.
Miko: You dare compare me to the undead??
Xykon: You dare compare me to a paladin??
Redcloak: Hey, sure, Xykon may be a skeleton stripped of its dead flesh and forced into an unholy semblance of life by arcane powers to terrible to even consider, but at lease he cops to it!
Xykon: Amen, brother! Preach it!
Redcloak: Face it, human. You're every bit as much of an "unnatural abomination" as he is, with the extra added bonus of being a myopic hypocrite. Now if you'll excuse me, this 100% all-natural goblin has an army to lead.
Xykon: Well, damn. I was gonna just kill you, but now I think it might be mroe evil to let you stew on that for a while.
Miko: Meh. As indignant speeches go, I've heard better.

0373
Caged
Xykon, Demon Roach, Miko, Monster in the Darkness

Xykon: So, yeah, this should be fun. That forcecage should last for like a day and a half, give ro take a few hours. You hang there and be miserable. When Reddie and I get back with the rest of the army, we'll kill you and see what kind of cool obscure undead creature pops up afterwords. My money is on death knight, but hey, maybe it'll be one of those weird "Oriental Adventures" undead. Who's to say, right? I tell you, it's the little day-to-day surprises that make unlife worth unliving. Have fun!
Demon Roach: Sucks to be you!
Miko: O mighty gods of the South: Thank you for giving me this opportunity to personally thwart the plans of the most direct threat to Soon's Gate in the history of the Sapphire Guard. Thank you for seeing fit to put me in position to unravel the danger posed by this lich, the goblin priest, and their obvious lackeys, the Order of the Stick. As it now seems probable that their destruction of Dorukan's Gate was at Xykon's behest, I take these events as an answer to my prayer, hoping that I be the one who is able to punish them as they so richly deserve. I pray in thanks, and further ask, as always, that all who stand in opposition to the holy work of the Sapphire Guard have their evil plans revealed to the light of day so that your paladins may smite them. Praise the Twelve Gods. Amen. Of course, in order to get any decent smiting in, I'll need to get out of this cage... This should prove easy enough...or rather, it would, if these bars of force were in any way vulnerable to being cut by my blade. Which, apparently, they are not.
Demon Roach: Swing and a miss!
Miko: Hmmmm... I must escape to warn Azure City, but how? It is at times like this that I wish I were one of those adventurers who have purchased the entire list of available mundane equipment, "just in case". Encumbrance issues aside, I'm sure there's some way a 10-foot pole could get me out of this. Wait! Of course! I did buy something on my trip up to the dwarven lands!
Demon Roach: A beard trimmer?
Miko: I souvenier for Lord Shojo!
Demon Roach: Ooo, yeah! Take it off, honey! What the- Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!
Miko: Now if my knowledge of demons is of any use, this should work...
Demon Roach: OWW! Don't squeeze there! Mommyyyyyyyy!
Miko: Wow. I guess Lord Shojo's liver will thank me for that... Excellent! While the cage remains undamaged, the flagstones in the floor have loosened and cracked. I just need some help pushing... Windstriker, I choose you! Push harder, loyal steed! Harder! Outstanding, Windstriker! Now we must hurry before the lich or the goblin returns here.
Demon Roach: It...it was horrible! Show me on the doll where she touched you.
Miko: If we are to have any hope of arriving at Azure City ahead of Xykon's army, we must ride as fast as we can. There are no more watchtowers between here and home, so we cannot afford to fail. Even at your best speed, we will only arrive a day or two ahead of-
Monster in the Darkness: Hi. What's your name?

0374
Black and Blue
Miko, Monster in the Darkness

Miko: I am Miko Miyazaki, samurai of the Sapphire Guard, loyal vassal of Lord Shojo, daughter of Eyko, and paladin of the Twelve Gods of the South.
Monster in the Darkness: Neat! It must be hard to fit all that on yuor business cards, though.
Miko: I apologize, but I cannot be delayed. My mission is urgent and upon its swift success rests the fate of hundreds of thousands - indeed, millions - of innocent lives. Step aside.
Monster in the Darkness: Cool. It's kinda awkward, though, since Xykon said I wasn't supposed to let you-
Miko: Very well. If you serve that villain even if it results in such a great loss of life, you are an enemy to me.
Monster in the Darkness: Hee hee hee hee! Stop that! That tickles!
Miko: "Tickles"?
Monster in the Darkness: Hey, that gave me an idea! Wanna play a game? C'mon, it'll be fun. It's called "Who Can Hit the Lightest?" First I hit you as lightly as I can, then you hit me as lightly as YOU can. Whoever hits the lightest wins! Cool, huh?
Miko: Um, yes. Yes, of course. I accept your challenge <whispers> Stand ready, WIndstriker, I intend to lose this "game" intentionally. After he wastes his action tapping me, I shall attack again with more power so that I might overcome his Damage Reduction. With luck, I might-
Monster in the Darkness: OK, my turn first!
Miko: By the Twelve Gods! I must hurry back to save Wind-
Monster in the Darkness: Awww, man! I lost twice. I suck.

0375
Undeliverable
Miko, Monster in the Darkness, Demon Roach, Dwarven High Priest

Miko: Look, just be happy the dosage on these potions doesn't need to be adjusted for body weight. Recent events have lead me to believe that you might want to cut back on your consumption of Heavenly Oats brand horse feed. Are you well enough to travel? Good. We cannot afford the time it would take to replenish you in the Celestial Realm. While I would love to return to battle that creature, the greater good demands that I leave. As of right now, all of Azure City is depending on the two of us. We must not fail! As fast as you can, boy! Faster!
Monster in the Darkness: Escuse me! Miss Miko! Hello? YOu dropped your purse!
Demon Roach: Apparently littering isn't against the paladin code.
Monster in the Darkness: I wonder what's in it. I probably shouldn't open it, though. She might come back for it.
Demon Roach: Do it.
Monster in the Darkness: I bet it's food. It does sort of smell like beer...Must be pub food.
Demon Roach: Do it! Do it! Do it!
Monster in the Darkness: I am pretty hungry... And it's just gonna get cold anyway.
Demon Roach: DO IT!!
Monster in the Darkness: Shoot! That's not a piping hot plate of delicious cheese fries AT ALL! What a rip off, it's just a stupid letter.
Demon Roach: HA-ha!
Monster in the Darkness: And it's not even color-coded, or bullet-pointed, or anything!
Dwarven High Priest: To Durkon, Since you have clearly not heard, I write to inform you that Hight Priest Hurak passed away three years ago. I have taken over as High Priest of Thor, but I can fidn no mention of your mission in any of Hurak's notes or journals. Therefore, I see no good reason not to grant your request to return to dwarven territory as soon as you wish. I only wish your letter had reached me before the unfortunate death of your grandfather. Both of his livers failer as-
Monster in the Darkness: OW! I goh a pahpuh cut righ ohn muh tonng! Sigh... Life just isn't fair.
Demon Roach: So, what, we all just leave stuff on the ground now?

RMS Oceanic

2008-10-01, 12:07 PM

376-380
0376
All Too Easy
Xykon, Redcloak, Salesman

Xykon: So? Did she escape yet or what?
Redcloak: She's riding off into the proverbial sunset as we speak.
Xykon: Well it's about time! I was starting to think that I'd researched that "Xykon's Moderately-Escapable Forcecage" spell for nothing!
Redlcoak: And I owe you an apology: I really didn't think we'd see ANY paladins before we made it to the target. Further, can I just say that askign out friend in the dark to guard her was a masterstroke?
Xykon: Best way I could think of to ensure her escape was to give that bozo instructions to the contrary.
Redcloak: Still, are you sure this is the wisest course of action? We went through a lot of toruble to take out all those magic early warnign beacons.
Xykon: Listen, there's a world of difference betwen an instantaneous magical warning and a loen messenger on horseback. We'll force march the army. By the time she gets there, we'll be right behind her. It'll be find.
Redcloak: But sir, won't some of the hobgoblins drop dead from exhaustion? Pffff ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Xykon: Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh man, you really had me going there for a second...whew!
Redcloak: You should have seen the look on your skill...
Xykon: "Won't some of the hobgoblins die?" Priceless. Anyway, it's worth the risk. Remember, as much fun as it will be to pound those paladins into post-paladin paste, we're going there for the gate. I guarantee that it's well-hidden, in a place where only the paladins know how to find it. And now tha ti've met her 0 and, apparently, have just scored a few stray hairs of hers from this cloak - it should be a breeze to zero in on her location when I scry.
Redcloak: Wait, "scry"? So that trip you took the other day was to-
Xykon: Yup. You guessed it. So does the warranty on this cover being destroyed when your dungeon is accidentally blown up by a ragtag band of dysfunctional heroes?
Salesman: How ragtag are we talking here?

0377
Travel Delays
Soldier, Sabine, Roy, Nale, Wizard Guy, Belkar

Soldier: Welcome back, miss.
Sabine: Tee hee. I wish Nale had given me a way to find him...He's been here for a while...He could be anywhere in this whole city! Including entering the city right behind me, apparently.
Roy: OK, we're running really late now. Split up, buy supplies or whatever. Remember, we're meeting with Shojo in the morning, and then we're off to the Western Continent.
Nale: OK, Roy! G'night! Don't let the bedbugs bite!
Sabine: <Whispers> Psssssst! "Beware the green monkey."
Nale: <Whispers> "He barks at midnight." <normal> Oh, Sabine, is it nice to see a familiar face. Umm, well, you know what I mean.
Sabine: Are you just getting here now? I thought you teleported three days ago.
Nale: We did. Sort of.
Wizard Guy: Welcome to Azure City! *hic!*
Nale: On the plus side, after eating the Wizard, the bird had so much booze in it system that it just told us that it loved us and then fell asleep.
Belkar: 'Sup, ho.

0378
He Didn't Even Have to Say Please
Nale, Sabine, Roy, Shojo

Nale: We might have a change of plans. Apparently, Greenhilt and his lackeys are about to embark on a trip to protect some sort of doomsday device in the West. A "gate" that could destroy the universe. He kept mentioning it on the walk back from the mountains. Remember our old "friend" Xykon? Well, he's after it too. And he might be a fool, but he's quite good at staying alive. Undead. Whatever. The point is, he's not the kidn of villain who woudl be interested in blowing everything up just for giggles. He likes existing way too much. Therefore, I theorize that he must have uncovered some means of directing or controlling this "gate" to serve-
Sabine: Quiet! Someone's coming! Did you see that look she gave me? Do you think she knows it's us??
Nale: No...if she knew, she wouldn't also have smiled at me. Smiles for "Elan" and a petrifying gaze attack for the woman with whom he's speaking... I do believe our little rogue is in love with my brother. Fascinating...
Sabine: Ahem.
Nale: Oddly quiet, though...
Sabine: I believe I said, "Ahem".
Nale: Ah, right. At any rate, if I can maintain this disguise, Greenhilt will lead me right to this "gate". With that kind of power, I could hold the whole world hostage to my whims!
Sabine: Yeah, but you don't know whatever Xykon knows.
Nale: True. But I'm considerably smarter than he is. If he can deduce the secret, then so can I. I just need mroe data. I need to devise some scheme, some elaborate machination, by which I could unearth mroe information concerning this gate...
Roy: Can you tell us more about the gates?
Shojo: Sure.
Nale: Huh.

0379
Perform IS on the Aristocrat's Skill List
Shojo, Nale, Roy, Belkar

Shojo: ...and now you know the Secret Lore of the Sapphire Guard. Again.
Nale: Thanks! I'll try not to forget it this time.
Roy: I should hope not. Some of us don't get to fast-forward past the retelling, you know.
Shojo: On to other business. Other than that unfortunate accident, how did your attempt to track down Xykon's associate go?
Roy: What? Oh, right. Well, it, uh... well actually, we... ah, crap. It turns out we forgot to actually ask him anything useful about Xykon. We just kicked his ass and sent him to prison.
Belkar: We were supposed to ask him questions? I thought- OWW!
Roy: The truth is, while yes, Nale is a known associate of Xykon's we actually went to Cliffport because he had kidnapped my little sister. I guess we could head back there to ask Nale. He's just rotting in prison...
Nale: What?!?
Shojo: Sorry, no, I'm going to have to veto the redundant side-trip to question the ex-minion. We're in a hurry here. I want you at Girard's Gat as soon as possible.
Nale: Whew!
Roy: Hey, don't order me around, Shojo. I'm not one of your fawning subservient paladins. Let's not forget that I'm doing you a favour here.
Shojo: Ah yes, the favour of downsizing my personal staff for me?
Roy: Hey, he teleported us into a-
Shoko: What do you think, loyal wizard follower? Do you think Roy is doing a good job so far. "Oh yes, Lord Shojo! I'm enjoying being a partially-digested skeleton! Especially now that I'm learned it happened on a trip that had no actual bearing on the mission for which he had been paid in advance!"
Belkar: Oooo! Burned by the geezer!
Roy: OK, fine. You're right, we'll head to Girard's Gate right now.
Shojo: Great idea! Here, I'll have my best wizard teleport you! "Sure thing, Lord Shojo! TELEPORT!!"
Roy: Gah!!
Shojo: Oh, look at that. It didn't work. I guess you'll have to wait until we're done resurrecting him. Come back tomorrow.
Belkar: That was friggin' fantastic. I wish this was a democracy so I could vote for that guy.
Roy: Really? 'Cause right now, I feel like he's been too soft on crime. Specifically, yours.

0380
While the Fiend's Away...
Sabine, Nale, Durkon, Roy, Belkar, Sabine's Master

Sabine: So the planet is holding a nigh-unstoppable ogd-killing terror that will consume everything if it gets out.
Nale: Apparently.
Sabine: Hard to believe THAT team of schmucks is on a quest that's so...irrevocable.
Nale: I know what you mean. The knowledge that the fate of teh entire multiverse hinges on their every action must be a terrible burdern, haunding them constantly.
Durkon: Who's up fer Parcheesi??
(D): Who's up for Parcheesi??
Roy: Sure.
Belkar: What the hell, OK.
Nale: Eh, what do we care, we're the Bad Guys. So what evil stuff are we doing tonight while we wait?
Sabine: Uh, actually, it turns out I need to stop home for something.
Nale: What? Now??
Sabine: Yeah. Sorry, it just came up this instant.
Nale: Hello, we're in the middle of a totally evil plot here! What's so important that you need to zip off to the Lower Planes this instant?
Sabine: Umm...
Sabine's Master: -and keep us apprised of anything that might tip the cosmic balance between Good and Evil in our favor. You'll be eligible for a 10% finder's fee.
Sabine: It's uh... that time of the century.
Nale: Huh?
Sabine: You know...the Red Knight is requesting lodging.
Nale: Oh! I didn't even know what happened to outsiders.
Sabine: Yeah, well, it does. Absolutely. So, gotta stop home for hygiene supplies. Look, I know I'm nto supposed to use my Plane Shift power unless it's an amergency, but trust me, this qualifies. I can use ti once per day. I'll pop over there now and be back tomorrow. You already said they're not leaving for Girard's gate until then.
Nale: But what am I supposed to do tonight?
Sabine: What am I, your mother? Find some way to amuse yourself.
Nale: Knock, Knock.

381-385
0381
Improved Feint
Nale, Haley, Haley's Self Loathing

Nale: I can see that I'm not really interrupting anything too important, so if you'll indulge me, I have a few words to say. After almost being killed by my cunningly clever and devishly handsome twin brother, Nale, I find that I am looking at everything in a different light. Everything, including you, Haley. I don't know hwo I never noticed how beautiful you are before. It probably has something to do with my overpowering mental defects and my annoyingly childish persona. Isn't it time we stopped playing these games? The secret looks, the denials, the Bluff checks that say, "No," when we both mean, "Yes"? We're both adults, and I'm tired of taking 5-foot steps around one another when we should be charging ahead together. I intend to take advantage of our delay to rectify that.
Haley: Qr-
(H): Wh-
Nale: Shhhh- don't speak. Don't spoil this moment with words. Just join me for dinner this evening. I promise it will be everything you ever secretly wanted. And if it's not too forward of me, I purchased something for you to wear other than your old leather armor. I hope you like it. Until tonight, then, my dear.
Haley's Self Loathing: All hands on deck! This is not a drill! Repeat: this is NOT a drill!

0382
Risk vs. Reward
Haley's Self Loathing, Haley's Vanity, Haley's Self-Reliance, Haley's Optimism, Haley's Latent Bisexuality, Haley's Mistrust, Haley's Intellect, Haley

Haley's Self Loathing: OK, everyone, breath deeply. Actually, only Haley needs to breathe deeply. The rest of us are imaginary. We have a major crisis on our hands here.
Haley's Vanity: I know! I'm not even sure we'll fit into that dress! Much less find shoes in time!!
Haley's Self Loathing: What? Now, Haley's Vanity, that's not what I'm talking about.
Haley's Vanity: Oh, sorry. You're worried abotu how we'll do our hair, then.
Haley's Self Loathing: Look, men that we've been pining over for the better part of a year do not spontaneously decide to just sweep us off out feet with flowers and new dresses. That doesn't happen to girls like us.
Haley's Self-Reliance: Oh, I see what's going on here. Self-Loathing here just doesn't want us to be happy, so she's trying to sabotage the whole thing.
Haley's Self Loathing: Listen, Peroxide, I'm the only one here who cares enough about Haley to tell her the whole unvarnished truth. And I say something is wrong. Am I the ONLY one who noticed that Elan wasn't acting very Elan-like? He was suave and romantic and didn't forget what he was saying in the middle. Plus, I think he checked out our rack at one point.
Haley's Optimism: Well... Maybe his feelings for us spurred him to new heights of confidence.
Haley's Self Loathing: Oh, yeah, maybe. Or maybe he's a Pod Person from the Fifth Dimension.
Haley's Optimism: That's insane.
Haley's Self Loathing: Insane, right, because we're NOT talking about a girl whose mind is slowly fracturing into a thousand pieces under the strain of not having anyone to listen to her. What about the dress? Black, strapless, with laces up the front and back? Who wears stuff like that??
Haley's Vanity: You do.
Haley's Self Loathing: Yeah - but I'm a teenager! You can't take my fashion choices seriously!
Haley's Latent Bisexuality: I think the dress looks hot...
Haley's Self Loathing: No one asked you, Haley's Latent Bisexuality.
Haley's Latent Bisexuality: Fine, I'll just go back to hiding in the corner.
Haley's Self Loathing: I'm telling you, this whole thing is fishy! Back me up, Haley's Mistrust.
Haley's Mistrust: Why should I? What's your angle??
Haley's Self Loathing: *sigh* Never mind.
Haley's Intellect: Actually, Elan's vocabularly and syntax were significantly above those of his usual speech patterns.
Haley's Self Loathing: Thank you, Haley's Intellect, that's what I'm talking about.
Haley's Intellect: However, it is possible that he raised his Intelligence score the last time he gained a level.
Haley's Self Loathing: What? Ugh, you're grasphing at straws now! Think, people, THINK!
Haley: No.
Haley's Self Loathing: Did - did you just say "no" to thinking??
Haley: Yeah. I think too much. All of my life I've been suspicious and distrustful. What do I have to show for it?
Haley's Self Loathing: Uh...you're still alive.
Haley: I'm not sure I'd call this "living". Elan manages to get through his life without second-guessing everything, and he's happy. He took a chance coming here and telling me how he felt - something I was freaking out about long before i lost my voice. All I know is that if I don't go, I'll probably spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. I can't do that. I'll go crazy. Crazier, whatever. You could be right. There could be something wrong with him. Maybe he's a doppelganger who wants to devour my frontal lobe or something. Or maybe - just maybe - everything is exactly as it seems and this is my one and only opportunity to be truly happy. I think that's worth the risk. I think that may be worth ANY risk.
Haley's Self Loathing: Yeah, well... Don't come crying to me when you brain gets eaten!
Haley's Intellect: Technically, since we are solely mental constructs, we would cease to exist.
Haley's Mistrust: I don't buy it.
Haley's Vanity: Would that mess up our hair?
Haley's Self-Reliance: Wait, if we didn't have a brain, how could we-
Haley's Self Loathing: Gods, I hate you all.

0383
What's Really Scary is That He Knows the Words
Nale, Belkar

Nale: Ah, Nale, you handsome beast, this will eb the evil frosting on a very wicked cake. You'll wine her and dine her and then, right when she's ready to let you have her way with her, you'll kill her instead. I'm sure it will be difficult to describe in words the exact mixture of shocks and betrayal when "Elan" runs her through with a dagger on the cusp of the consumation of her wildest romantic fantasy - but maybe after this whole gate thing is resolved, I'll pop on over to my brother's jail cell and do my best to do it justice. Whew, OK. Hopefully that got my natural urge to digress into a complete explaination of my evil plan out of my system. I don't want to go all "Bond villain" and forget to finish the job.
Belkar: Hey Elan, you won't believe the game of Parcheesi we just - You frickin' bastard!!
Nale: GAH!!
Belkar: Nale, you spineless piece of weasel crap. I'm gonna cut your-
Nale: Charm Person!
Belkar: -hair for you, if you'd like. It sure could use a trim.
Nale: Wow, that was close. Close the door and put the daggers away. How did you suddenly figure out it was me and not my brother?
Belkar: You smell different.
Nale: Ah...I've been wearing Elan's clothes for days, but upon bathing for my "date", my own scent must have reasserted itself... Well, I can't risk you telling anyone, but I can't risk your body being found, either. Let's kill two PC's with one spell, then. If you see any of your allies before I get back, kill them and bring me their magic items.
Belkar: What?? Never!!
Nale: Ah, that's right...the spell will not competl teh subject to do anything to which they will vehemently object. I will need to choose my commands carefully to make them seem more reasonable. If you see any of your allies, kill them and keep their magic items for yourself.
Belkar: You go it, boss.
Nale: While singing the complete score to "Meet Me in St. Louis."
Belkar: "Meet me in St. Lous, Louis, meet me at the fair..."
Nale: I love being evil.

0384
Words Get in the Way
Haley, Haley's Self Loathing, Nale

Haley: Jeez, this dress! I look like a dominatrix.
Haley's Self Loathing: Actually, you look like a sorceress or something.
Haley: Hey, no need to get cruel.
Nale: Ah, you return from the Ladies' Room. Your absense was like a confirmed critical from a keen scythe. You look stunning in black, my dearest Haley. It's so nice to see you not wearing any of your normal protective gear. ...I notice you are unusually quiet tonight. Do you have no words for a romantic evening such as this?
Haley: Za ybxy acwwdave yd uv adfv adty dg sdhv? Uvrxcav Z rxi'y awvxh? Zg ad, zy qxai'w jvtp gciip.
(H): Is that supposed to be some kind of joke? Because I can't speak? If so, it wasn't very funny.
Nale: (What the hell? What language was that? Crap, what if she and Elan both took some obscure language like Ignan or Gnoll or something?? OK, don't panic, Nale. When in doubt, laugh and nod. Then come up with some sweet talk to keep from having to respond in the same language.) Ha ha ha ha ha! Yes, too true, too true. Heh heh. But, uh, words from any language just get in the way. What can mere sounds tell us that we cannot see by gazing into each other's eyes? I say, "Enough words!" Who needs them? Let us have no more words this evening, save for this request: Would you care to dance? (Fantastic. I can't believe I just suggested that we stay silent for the rest of the night.)
Haley: Fantastic! I can't believe he just suggested that we stay silent for the rest of the night!

0385
A Sympathetic Ear
Sabine, Randy, Vaarsuvius, Belkar, Durkon

Sabine: Thanks for the ride, Randy! I really wanted to avoid the morning rush hour.
Randy: Yeah, that crossplane traffic can be a pain.
Sabine: Plus, I need to make sure Nale is OK. I shouldn't have run out like that. I hope he didn't get in too much - trouble. Why that scum-sucking two-timing lowlife - goddamn worthless piece of crap on a stick! Bring me another three of these. Hey, you. Let me ask you something. Why are all men such pigs??
Vaarsuvius: Uh, I am not certain I am the most qualified to comment on gender traits...
Sabine: No, no, no, seriously. Why are they such massive jackasses all the time?
Vaarsuvius: I take it your inquiry is not solely rhetorical, then?
Sabine: You got it, sister. I go away for this thing for work for a few hours, and when I get back, he's groping her out on the dance floor. HER!! Of all the possible choices, it had to be THAT nasty skank!!
Vaarsuvius: Do you love him?
Sabine: Yeah. I mean, I think so. I mean, it's complicated.
Vaarsuvius: I see. Then it appears you have a choice to make.
Sabine: Choice? What choice?
Vaarsuvius: Whether to continue drinking yourself into a stupor and allow him to slip further under the influence of her charms... Or... Well, let me simply say that were I to return home to find my mate in the arms of another elf, I would employ every shred of my not inconsiderable arcane power to fight for my love.
Sabine: You know what? You're right! I'm gonna go find them right now and kick that hussie's ass! Thanks, elf. You're all right.
Vaarsuvius: Think nothing of it. At least now I can get back to enjoying my glass of elven wine in peace and quiet, without being called on to intervene in someone else's problems.
Belkar: Clang, clang, clang goes the trolley!
Durkon: Git away from me, ye daft fool!
(D): Get away from me, you stupid fool!
Belkar: Ring, ring, ring goes the bell!
Vaarsuvius: *sigh*

386-3900386
Not How She Pictured It, Certainly
Sabine, Elan, Thog, Haley, Nale

Sabine: NALE!!!!
Elan: NALE!!!!
Thog: nale!!!!
Haley: XCGH???
(H): NALE???
Nale: You know, the first two, I probably should've seen coming. The leprechaun costume? Not so much.

0387
The Cliffport Redemption
Prison Guard #1, Prison Guard #2, Elan, Thog

Prison Guard #1: Sorry, I'm happily married.
Prison Guard #2: Sorry, I'm gay.
Elan: Awww, man! This illusion NEVER works!
Prison Guard #1: Really? I didn't know that.
Prison Guard #2: Oh sure, came out when I was 17.
Elan: But I need to get out of here! My evil twin brother is going to kill my - my Haley! And she's all unsuspecting and defenseless and, and, and Haleyish! I can't stay in prison. I don't know the gold-piece-to-cigarette exchange, and I don't have any ranks in Craft (shiv). And I can't wait for another trial! They take too long and have too much background exposition. Though it would be neat to see more crayon drawings... It's just not fair! I didn't do anything wrong. Nale did all that bad stuff, how come he gets away with it and I have to be here?? It's not fair! It's not fair. What am I doing? I can't sit here and cry now while my friends are in danger! I need to warn them! I need to escape! Awww, but I tried everything, I used my illusion, I used Diplomacy, I even tried singing Spice Girls songs if they didn't let me free. It's almost liek I need an entirely different set of class abilities to get out of here.
Thog: if you wannabe thog's lover, you gotta get with thogs friends...
Elan: Thos, listen to me: We need to escape!
Thog: thog not escape. thog stay here.
Elan: Don't you want to be free? Aren't you bored yet?
Thog: nale told thog to stay in jail with not-nale until nale comes back for thog. said thog, "don't drop soap."
Elan: OK, but, um, what if he doesn't come back?
Thog: nale come back. nale good to thog. nale let thog smash stuff and stay up extra hour past thog's bedtime on weekends.
Elan: Wow, that IS good...Roy only gives me a half hour. OK, then, what if Nale can't come back?
Thog: huh?
Elan: What if Nale...gets lost? Yah, what if he gets lost and can't find his way back here?
Thog: nale extra smart. nale not get lost.
Elan: Maybe...but, uh, did you see him leave a trail of breadcrumbs? You know, to find his way back?
Thog: thog not see any.
Elan: What? Oh man! Oh, Thog, he'll never find his way back without a trail of breadcrumbs!
Thog: oh no! nale get lost in witch's forest!
Elan: Exactly! Only YOU can save him, Thog!
Thog: thog is coming, nale! thog save you!!!!
Elan: And those iron bars? Those iron bars ATE all of Nale's breadcrumbs!
Thog: what?!?
Elan: And then they punched a blown!
Thog: thog hate you, stupid metal bars! thog rage!
Elan: Bend, bend, bend, bend the prison cell bars!
Thog: thog smash puny prison!! huff, huff, huff, huff... why thog mad again?
Elan: Uh, no reason.
Thog: oh. ok!
Prison Guard #1: What was that noise?
Prison Guard #2: Better check it out.
Elan: Uh oh, the guards! Disguise Self!
Thog: how thog's pants turn purple?
Prison Guard #1: What the heck is going on here?
Prison Guard #2: Oh, hey Warden.
Elan: Uh, renovations. We're having a team fo interior decorators come in and redecorate the prison in two days for 2000 gp. I'm transferring this half-orc to...uh...someplace else.
Prison Guard #2: Where's the other guy?
Elan: ...Died. Yeah, he died from the poor conditions here.
Prison Guard #1: Another one??
Prison Guard #2: Wait. where's his body?
Elan: He died from...the Vaporizing Flu.
Prison Guard #1: The Vaporizing Flu...?
Elan: Oh yeah, very dangerous. Fever, vomiting, then poof! You just vanish.
Prison Guard #1: Is that...contagious?
Elan: Yes, but oddly only if you stand around in places where a previous victim has died and ask questions.
Prison Guard #1: I, uh, just remembered some paperwork I have to do...
Prison Guard #2: Me too...
Elan: Whew, that was close! Now let's go save Haley!
Thog: and nale.
Elan: Right, and nale.
Thog: yay! thog and not-nale on zany whirlwind adventure!
Elan: Hilarity ensues when two adventurers from different ends of the alignment spectrum must work together inthe feel-good comedy of the year!
Thog: thog wonders hwo thog will cope with life outside jailhouse walls. prison changed thog.
Elan: We were only in there for 40 minutes.
Thog: prison changes thog quickly.

0388
The Final Frontier
Thog, Elan, Roy, Setzer, Cyan, Celes, Relm, Strago, Terra, Edgar

Thog: but thog misses thog's axe! thog's axe had sentimental value.
Elan: I know, Thog, but there's a bajillion guards around the equipment locker. We'll need to get new stuff. And if I've learned anything from stories where the hero is falsly accused, it's that the first thing you have to do after your daring escape is change your look.
Thog: what not-nale think of this one?
Elan: Oh, sure, if you think you have the figure to pull it off.
Thog: *sigh* thog never get anything pretty.
Elan: Dear Shopkeeper, Sorry we stole from you. It was for good cause. -Elan. OK, so we've got clothes and 5 copper pieces from the "Leave a penny, take a penny," thing. Where can we...go...net. Wait here.
Thog: ooooo! not-nale smooth as baby butt.
Elan: He got the beard off, though he said I'd never be able to grow facial hair because of the goo Nale used. But now what? Think, Elan, think! What would Roy say if HE were here?
Roy: OK, gang, we need to get to Azure City fast, but we don't have anyone to cast Teleport and travelling by boat or horse will take weeks. What we need is an alternate mode of transport. Also, you're my best friend in the whole wide world, Elan, and I'm happy to serve as your surrogate big brother, considering how your own father wasn't there for you growing up. Wanna go bowling?
Elan: Not right now, Roy. Roy's right, though. We are going to have to find some alternate means fo transport. But where are we-
Thog: thog believe thog can fly.
Elan: Of course! Cliffport's famous airship docks MUST have a ship bound for Azure City! Quick, follow me!
Thog: why we running away from ship?
Elan: Because they'll never let us on without tickets. Luckily, I have a cunning plan!
Thog: not-nale so smart!
Elan: Dear Shopkeeper, Sorry we stole from you twice. It was for really good cause. -Elan.
Setzer: All aboard for Azure City! All aboard!
Cyan: So there I was, with just three options: Fight, Run, or Item.
Celes: No magic?
Cyan: Nah, it was still the first half of the story.
Relm: But Grampa, I don't WANNA go to Pratt!
Strago: Don't sass me, brat, or I'll Aqua Rake you into next week.
Elan: With these clever disguises, we're sure to get aboard!
Thog: thog not get references.
Setzer: Tickets, please?
Elan: What? Don't you recognize us? I'm teh famour Treasure Hunter, and this is my marketable (but ultimately useless) recurring mascot character!
Thog: kupo!
Setzer: Oh, terribly sorry, sir. Welcome aboard.
Elan: I should hope so, we're both playable characters, you know. This is great, Thog! We'll zoom down to the South lickety split! I just hope we get there before I have to figure out a way to resurrect all my friends.
Terra: "Resurrect"? What's that?
Edgar: Don't you mean "Fenix Down"?
Thog: what's a "fenix"?

0389
As Good an Explanation as is Forthcoming
Elan, Bartender, Julio Scoundrel, Thog

Excuse me, bartender? Could I possibly borrow a corkscrew? A woman's life may depend on it.
Bartender: Uh, sure. Just give me a minute.
Elan: Thank you! And can I get a diet cola? *whistles*
Julio Scoundrel: OK, I simply MUST ask: How in the name of Gygax will a corkscrew save a woman's life??
Elan: Oh, well, uh... I really shouldn't talk about it.
Julio Scoundrel: I promise I'll be the soul of discretion. If you don't tell me, it'll just rattle around in my brain for weeks.
Elan: Well, OK... Since I have to wait for the corkscrew anyway... My evil twin brother lured me and my friends here to Cliffport by kidnapping my best friend's little sister but then used hsi own friends to distract them while he and hsi half-orc buddy knocked me out and glued a fake beard on me so tha the police thought I was him and he was me and I went to jail and he teleported off with them but then I escaped from jail with the half-orc and now we're going to go find him and save my friend Haley who he's going to kill if we don't. *whistles*
Julio Scoundrel: And, the , uh...the corkscrew?
Elan: Oh, it's part of my new plan to get us aboard an airship, bound for Azure City, since it's the only vehicle that travels fast enough, even though I don't have any money.
Julio Scoundrel: How were you planning on paying for the diet soda, then?
Elan: 30 ft. per round movement rate.
Julio Scoundrel: Heh heh. That brings back memories. Tell you what, lad, I like you. And it just so happens that I am an airship captain myself, in fact.
Elan: Really?? Wow, what were the chances?
Julio Scoundrel: Pretty good, considering we wouldn't be having this scene if it didn't forward the plot in some way.
Elan: Oh, right.
Julio Scoundrel: Anyway, my ship, The Mechane, is docked right down-
Elan: The Mechane?? But that's - omigods, you're, you're-
Julio Scoundrel: THat's right, kid. It is I... Captain Julio Scoundrel, world famour sky pirate, renown ladies' man, and all-around dashing action hero! And I'd still hold that title if they hadn't raised Valentino from the dead again...
Elan: Oh wow! My mom is your biggest fan! she has like a dozen pictures of you in the drawer by the bed that she thinks I don't know about!
Julio Scoundrel: Uh, OK...
Elan: Can I have your autograph?
Julio Scoundrel: I'll do you one better, kid: How would you like a lift to Azure City? I bet we could make it in a few days, if the winds favor us.
Elan: NO WAY!!
Julio Scoundrel: What can I say, you remind me of myself when I was younger.
Elan: Thank you so much, Mr. Scoundrel! I just need to go tell my, uh, friends.
Julio Scoundrel: Well hurry up, the offer expires when I finish my beer.
Elan: Thog! Thog! I've got good news! It turns out we won't need my plan after all!
Thog: but thog just finished step 3: stuffing potato salad into giant wooden alpaca!

0390
In a Class All His Own
Elan, Julio Scoundrel

Elan: …and then the cops dragged me off to prison, and I haven’t seen any of them since.
Julio Scoundrel: Distressing. Let me ask you this, though: What do you intend to do when you finally catch up to your brother?
Elan: Save Haley! And the rest of my friends!
Julio Scoundrel: How? Exactly? You’d admitted that even with all of his unfavorable multiclassing, Nale is at least your equal (if not your better) in a duel…and that some or all of your friends might be incapacitated or, gods forbid, dead when you arrive.
Elan: I don’t know. I just figured it would work out somehow.
Julio Scoundrel: A true hero makes his own luck, Elan. Here, let me show you something.
Elan: Oooooo… is that a lost tome of ancient forgotten knowledge?
Julio Scoundrel: Sort of. It’s an old third-party sourcebook I found gathering in the discount bin. This book changed my life, Elan. Not many know this, but I have only average Strength and Dexterity scores.
Elan: Get out! You made the list of the Top 100 Swordsmen of the Century!
Julio Scoundrel: True, I was #32, in fact. Not that I ever concern myself with such trivialities. At any rate, I have only this book to thank for it, not any surplus of physical prowess on my part. Open it to Page 94.
Elan: “The Dashing Swordsman.” I don’t understand.
Julio Scoundrel: It’s a prestige class, Elan, the one in which I have ten levels. The perfect fighting class for someone like me, who has more Charisma than strength. Perfect for me – and perfect for you!
Elan: Me? Take a prestige class? But I thought they were only for munchkins! Or maybe clerics!
Julio Scoundrel: Rubbish! The Dashing Swordsman class will teach you to harness your natural charm to turn you into a real bonafide wisecracking, swashbuckling, damsel-saving action hero! Among other abilities, it will allow you to substitute your Charisma bonus for your Strength bonus to damage when you wield a rapier – as long as you can make a witty pun or spout a catch-phrase when you attack.
Elan: Whoa…with this class, I could actually defeat Nale!
Julio Scoundrel: Exactly, my young padawan.
Elan: What’s a “padawan”?
Julio Scoundrel: You’re better off not knowing.

391-395
0391
Eye of the Tiger, Baby
Julio Scoundrel, Elan

Julio Scoundrel: Elan, are you ready to begin your training as a Dashing Swordsman? We only have to days and two nights before we’ll be at Azure City.
Elan: I’m ready, Captain Scoundrel!!
Julio Scoundrel: Very well. And so…it begins! You call that a winning smile? I want to see my reflection in those teeth! Parry! And thrust! And quip!
Elan: So you get my point?
Julio: AGAIN! Does she look like she’s swooning? DO IT AGAIN! Swing! Swing like your opening weekend box office returns depend on it! OK, good work, Elan! Good work. You are far exceeding my expectations.
Elan: Thanks! Can I ask you one question, though?
Julio Scoundrel: Of course.
Elan: How come we’ve only been doing this for twenty minutes, but you’ve already changed the backdrop five times and gone through three costumes?
Julio Scoundrel: Elan, never underestimate the strategic value of a good Training Scene Montage. It could save your life someday. Though I guess maybe I should actually teach you some of those things…

0392
Death From Above
Julio Scoundrel, Thog, Elan, Azure City Guard, Mechane Crew Member #1, Mechane Crew Member #2, Mechane Crew Member #3, Haley, Nale

Julio Scoundrel: Uh, Thog, is it? You know you don’t need to wear that costume anymore. We have other clothes for you.
Thog: thog like costume. Thog get in touch with inner greenness.
Julio Scoundrel: But…you’re green on the outside.
Thog: thog get in touch with outer greenness, too.
Julio Scoundrel: Elan, I have to ask: are you sure it’s a good idea to bring the half-orc with you? He may immediately side with your brother.
Elan: Yeah, I know, but he helped me escape prison, so I guess I feel like I kinda owe him.
Thog: thog looking over four-leaf clover…
Elan: Besides, I never got him a new axe, so how much damage could he really do?
Julio Scoundrel: I fear that perhaps you will soon know the exact answer to that question, but I suppose it’s your decision. At any rate, we near our destination. Before we arrive, I would like to present you with a gift, in honor of taking your first level of Dashing Swordsman. This +3 keen rapier was mine when I was your level> I fenced the Devil-King of Dinosaur Island with it, and I’d like you to have it.
Elan: Wow! Thanks, Captain Scoundrel! I guess since you have no children, you’re passing it on to me instead?
Julio Scoundrel: What, are you kidding? I have a son and/or daughter in every port on the continent, I’m just too lazy to figure out which one should get it. Now prepare yourself, Elan. Azure City is within sight!
Azure City Guard: AIRSHIP MECHANE! You are hereby ordered to land and prepare to be boarded!
Julio Scoundrel: Oh, right. So, now’s probably a good time to mention that I’m a wanted criminal in Azure City. I admit to nothing, but I have it on good authority that there are several attractive young heiresses in this town that are shamefully lax in securing their most valuable jewelry. Luckily, it’s nothing the Mechane can’t handle. Man the ballistae! Aft propellers to full!
Mechane Crew Member #1: Aye aye, Captain.
Mechane Crew Member #2: Captain, we’ve been hit!
Julio Scoundrel: Oh that’s it. No one hurts my baby! Hold on tight!
Mechane Crew Member #3: Alchemist’s fire, away!
Elan: Are you sure that’s a good idea? They ARE the good guys, you know.
Julio Scoundrel: Ahhh, relax. They’ll have it fixed in a week, tops, and we won’t have to worry about it on our way out. It’s not like they’re gonna get invaded before they can repair it, you know. Can someone get that fire put out, please? Where to?
Elan: Uh…I don’t know! They could be anywhere!
Julio Scoundrel: Relax… Trust your dramatic instincts, Elan. The scene calls out to you, asking you to arrive in the nick of time. You just need to feel it…
Elan: The inn! Haley’s room! There! Second floor!
Julio Scoundrel: Good work! Diving now! Well, Elan, this is where we part ways.
Elan: Wait, aren’t you coming down to help?
Julio Scoundrel: No, Elan, that’s not the way of the Dashing Swordsman. This is your big entrance. My place is to fly off into the night, preferably while shouting out one last kernel of wisdom.
Elan: Will I ever see you again?
Julio Scoundrel: Well, as an older mentor figure, the most likely scenario is that I’d return only to be randomly killed by an enemy of yours so that you can cradle my dying body while swearing revenge – so don’t take it personally if I say that I sincerely hope we never cross paths again.
Elan: Thank you, Captain Scoundrel, for everything.
Julio Scoundrel: Go get ‘im, kid.
Elan: C’mon, Thog! Time to go!
Thog: yay! thog coming to save you, nale!
Elan: Time to buckle our swash!
Julio Scoundrel: Always remember, Elan: It doesn’t matter if you win or lose – as long as you look really cool doing it!
Elan: NALE!!!!
Thog: nale!!!
Haley XCGH???
(H): NALE???
Nale: You know, the first two, I probably should’ve seen coming. The leprechaun costume? Not so much.
Thog: thog brought breadcrumbs!

0393
Truth
Sabine, Nale, Haley, Thog, Elan, Haley’s Self Loathing

Sabine: Nale, you worthless mortal scum!
Nale: Geez, you know, how come these plans can never unravel only a little bit at a time? Just for a change of pace?
Haley: MFGL?? P opvvlu Mgfl? Sryl!
(H): NALE?? I kissed Nale? Ugh!!
Thog: thog and nale reunion make thog so happy!
Elan: It’s over, Nale!
Nale: OK, OK, now everyone just hold on. If Elan and I are going to have our final climactic confrontation now, we’ve got to clear the room a little. Hey Thog, you know, Sabine really missed you while you were gone.
Thog: really?
Sabine: Nale, I’m gonna rip out your-
Nale: Aww, she just needs a hug!
Thog: thog miss sabine, too!
Sabine: What the-? Get away!
Thog: bull rush tackle hug!
Sabine: Oooof!
Nale: There, that ought to keep them out of our hair while we finish this once and for all.
Elan: Looks like you brought a dagger to a swordfight, Nale.
Nale: Uch!
Elan: Which I’m sure Sabine has said to you in the bedroom more than once.
Nale: We’re identical twins, you moron. You just insulted yourself.
Elan: Identical? Really? ‘Cause you seem to have a few more holes in you right now.
Nale: Rrrg! When the hell did you become reasonably competent.
Elan: When I needed to save a poor girl who can’t speak right from a bastard like you!
Nale: Geez, Again! We’re TWINS, you idiot, we have the same parents! If I’m a bastard, then that means that you’re one- Wait…”can’t speak right”? So that wasn’t an obscure language she was speaking…
Elan: You, know, I learned a lot of useful skills in prison, Nale. Like how to cook… You might be familiar with out special family recipe for shish kebabs!
Nale: GAAHHH! Charm- Guh!
Elan: Served with a tall glass of punch! And extra peppers to kick it us a notch! Bam!
Haley: Keeeeee! Opno ypv fvv, Euugd Lcclnwpql Lgfm!
(H): Woooooo! Kick his ass, Oddly Effective Elan!
Elan: As I said, it’s over, Nale. You’re beaten. Give up.
Nale: Oh, I still have one more deception up my sleeve… Now, Haley! Sneak attack from behind!
Elan: Huh?
Haley: Ysy?
(H): Huh?
Nale: Oh my, you really haven’t realized it yet. I would have thought bursting in on the two of us “in flagrante delicto,” as it were, would have made it clear.
Elan: Made what clear??
Nale: Don’t you see, Elan? You previous Haley is evil, just like me. She’s been working for me all along. She’s been my spy, infiltrating the Order of the Stick since before you and I even met face-to-face. I learned of you from our father, and Haley and I orchestrated events to destroy you on every possible level.
Elan: That’s silly. You can’t really expect me to believe something so-
Nale: “Needlessly complicated”?
Elan: Oh. Right.
Haley: Des’ql rew we il obuupmr al, Lgfm, des’xl mew isdpmr wypv, fxl des???
(H): You've got to be kidding me, Elan, you're not buying this, are you???
Nale: No, darling, no point in hiding our relationship now.
Elan: You can understand her?
Nale: Of course! That’s Infernal she’s been speaking – the language of the devils. Naturally, we’ve been lovers for years. That kiss was merely our evil celebration of your demise.
Elan: I…I don’t believe you. You’re lying!
Nale: Come now, the signs are obvious.
Haley: Ufam vwxfpryw, yl’v gdpmr!
(H): Damn straight, he's lying!
Nale: She can’t control her wicked lust for wealth, can she? And that dress! Is that really the dress of someone who’s NOT an evil temptress?
Haley: Yl iesryw al wypv uxlvv! Neal em, kesgu FMD keafm NYEEVL we klfx wypv wypmr?
(H): He bought me this dress! Come on, would ANY woman CHOOSE to wear this thing?
Nale She let you rot in prison. Shouldn’t she have known? Wasn’t she the smart on in the party?
Haley: Me! P’a mew! P’a vwsjpu! P’a ve vwsjpu!
(H): No! I'm not! I'm stupid! I'm so stupid!!
Nale: Face it, Brother. This tramp has been playing you for months, you gullible sap.
Elan: Haley… This…isn’t true, right? He’s just making it up?
Haley: Ec nesxvl mew! Wepv pv fivsxu! P’a Nyfewpn Reeu! Pvy!
(H): Of course not! This is absurd! I'm Chaotic Good! Ish!
Nale: Well, I guess you have your answer there on her face. She does not look happy that I’m blowing her cover.
Haley: Kyd fxl des gpvwlmpnr we ypa?? Yl’v wyl QPGGFPM!
(H): Why are you listening to him?? He's the VILLAIN!
Haley’s Self Loathing: He’s listening to Nale because you don’t have the ability to raise any objection, you pathetic sack of crap. Should have listened to me when you had the chance.
Nale: And you, dressed up like a little hero to save the day. Too bad your princess here has been laughing at you behind your back all along.
Elan: Laughing…?
Nale: Oh yes. Laughing at you, not with you.
Haley: Me, P yfqlm’w!
(H): No, I haven’t!
Haley’s Self Loathing: Look at him, using that Bluff skill to turn Elan against us. Hey, don’t you have ranks in Bluff? It’s been so long, I barely remember.
Nale: The switch was Haley’s idea, you know. She told me she couldn’t stand to be near your incessant idiocy for one more day.
Haley: Des yfql we ilgplql al! Yl’v gdpmr!!
(H): You have to believe me! He's lying!!
Haley’s Self Loathing: Well, looks like this is it. The end. The curtain falls on your schoolgirl delusions of romance. Any hope of him loving you is shriveling up as we speak. Well, as I speak, at least.
Nale: Doesn’t that make you so…angry? (Suggestion.)
Elan: Actually, yeah! It does! I went through all this to save you, and you were a bad guy the whole time!
Haley: Kyfw?? Me! ME!!
(H): What? No! NO!!
Haley’s Self Loathing: Yup, listen to that. He’s buying it. He thinks you’re evil now. Told. You. So.
Elan: Very, very angry…
Haley’s Self Loathing: He’ll never forgive you.
Elan: You’re worse than Nale is!
Haley: P nfm’w…
(H): I can’t…
Haley’s Self Loathing: He’ll learn to hate you.
Haley: …wypmo…
(H): …think…
Elan: I never want to see you-
Haley: P nfm’w gevl ypa…
(H): I can’t lose him…
Haley’s Self Loathing: And then he’ll leave.
Haley: P-P wyesryw…
(H): I-I thought…
Haley’s Self Loathing: Just like everyone else-
Haley: P wyesryw-
(H): I thought-
Elan: Angry enough to kill, even…
Haley I THOUGHT HE WAS YOU! I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I THOUGHT I WAS KISSING YOU!!

0394
Hell Hath Exactly As Much Fury
Elan, Nale, Thog, Sabine

Elan: You’re… you’re fixed!
Nale: Well, I would have given myself better than even offs that I could make him stab her at least once before snapping out of it, but I still know a good distraction when I see it. Villain exits, stage right.
Thog: all thog’s family back together!
Nale: Oh. Right. Forgot about this part.
Sabine: Nale, you treacherous weasel! I saw you and that skank in the restaurant, and now here you are, in her room. And that dress she’s wearing!
Nale: No, baby, it’s not what you think!
Sabine: I think it’s exactly what I think! You were going to kill her.
Nale: I was going to KILL her. Wait…you already knew I wasn’t trying to sleep with her?
Sabine: Come on, I wasn’t born last century. You’re carrying our sacrificial dagger and you somehow coaxed her into a dress with clear access to her sternum. Of course you were planning on killing her. What steams my cheese is that you know I wanted to kill the girl myself, and went behind my back! And don’t’ give me that “First alone, first killed,” line, either, because the elf is sitting all alone in the bar right now.
Nale: Sabine, baby, you’ve got it all wrong… She was going to be a gift for you!
Sabine: …Really?
Nale: Absolutely! I was going to subdue her and tie her up, so we could sacrifice her together when you got back. Check in out room, I lift the bottle of wine there for later.
Sabine: Hmmm…all right. I’ll forgive you, this time. Let’s just get in there and slaughter both of them and get this whole nasty thing behind us.
Nale: The make-up killing is the best part of any fight.
Thog: thog help, too!
Nale: So…you really wouldn’t have been upset if I had been seducing her?
Sabine: Nale, sugar, I’m literally an evil incarnation of illicit sex, do I seem like I would get hung up on who you sleep with? Heck, I had sex four times while I was away.
Nale: You – you were gone for three hours!
Sabine: yeah, well, I had errands to run, too.

0395
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Elan, Haley

Elan: Haley! You can speak again!
Haley: Yeah, but, uh…I, errr…the thing is, um…
Elan: Or not?
Haley: Hey, uh, no, Elan, I can speak… but um, did you by any chance actually hear what I said a moment ago? I mean maybe you were shocked by me regaining my speech that you didn’t really pay attention to the words? Maybe?
Elan: Oh, no. First, you said that when you were kissing Nale, you thought you were kissing me, strongly implying that you would have kissed me voluntarily. Which you then supported by saying that you were in love with me. Then you repeated the part about thinking Nale was me.
Haley: Lovely. The one time one of us succeeds at a Listen check… So, wow, that evil nale, huh? We really should go get him, right?
Elan: Oh! Right! I got totally distracted by the whole, “You explicitly stating that you’re in love with me,” thing.
Haley: *sigh* I should get my bow and don my armor.
Elan: Well, the armor, I can agree with, but who’s this “Don” guy?
Haley: Just – just wait here, I’ll change in the bathroom. It’ll take one minute. OK, Haley, you’ve managed to stall the issue. You’ve got time to think. Now what the heck are you going to say next? Do you Bluff your way out of it? Or do you admit that yes, you’re in love with him? On one hand, telling the truth goes against everything you were raised to believe as a rogue. On the other hand, did you see how hot he looks in those new clothes? I mean, damn Maybe you could say it was just atmospheric interference? Or mind control, that always works well. Or maybe say that you were still speaking gibberish, it was just gibberish that happened to sound exactly like a confession of love. I mean, it is Elan, he’d buy it. Ugh, Haley, you stupid little girl. That’s how you get into these messes in the first place. For once, be a woman and take some darn responsibility for your- Wait. Am I saying all of this out loud? Crap, I am! Stupid speech impediment, I forgot how to use thought balloons! Uh, hey, Elan? Did you happen to make any more Listen checks while I was in there?
Elan: No, not really. I had other stuff on my mind. Sabine’s boot for example.

RMS Oceanic

2008-10-01, 12:08 PM

396-4000396
The Door Knocks on YOU
Haley, Elan, Nale, Thog

Haley: You know, I had a lot of time while I couldn’t speak to think about my life. And more than anything else, I found that I really missed saying just three little words that meant so much to me, personally. SNEAK ATTACK – BITCH!
Elan: C’mon, Nale, don’t be a Sword Loser!
Nale: Ugh, that was horrible! I swear, I’m going to kill you, then pay a cleric to raise you, and kill you again, just to make you pay for the puns!
Thog: thog arrived.
Haley: Elan, watch out for Thog!
Elan: It’s OK, Haley, he’s not armed!
Thog: thog improvise!
Elan: Wow, I guess half-orcs really WERE designed for “kick-in-the-door” style… Thog, wait! Think for a minute. Didn’t we have fun dressing up in costumes and stuff together? You don’t really want to hurt me, do you? No matter what Nale says?
Thog: thog not want to hurt not-nale. thog like not-nale. thog want all thog’s friends to get ice cream together.
Elan: Right! We can all have fun togeth-
Thog: yay! now ice cream!
Nale: Every once in a while, he reminds me why we hang out with him.
Haley: I like it better when no one remembered I was still in this comic.

0397
Leggo My Ego!
Vaarsuvius, Belkar, Durkon, Thog, Nale, Elan

Vaarsuvius: While I enjoy the work of Judy Garland as much as does the next elf, I think perhaps we should see Miss Starshine for some well-tied restraints. A gag, in particular.
Belkar: If you like-a me like I like-a you…
Vaarsuvius: Whatever enchantment Belkar is under, it seems resistant to my attempts to dispel it.
Durkon: Aye, especially considerin’ how ye rolled a natural 2 on yer Dispel Magic check.
(D): Yes, especially considering how you rolled a natural 2 on your Dispel Magic check.
Vaarsuvius: At least I managed to have the spell prepared.
Durkon: Haley? Lass? We need a bit o’ yer- Thor’s Duodenum! The Linear Guild! I’ll help Haley, ye deal with tha twins!
(D): Haley? Lass? We need a bit of your- Thor’s Duodenum! The Linear Guild! I’ll help Haley, you deal with the twins!
Thog: thog scared!
Nale: Vaarsuvius, I’m glad you’re here! Look, it’s Nale! Blast him to bits!
Elan: No, I’m Elan! He’s Nale! Blast HIM!
Vaarsuvius: Ah, a set of identical twins, each claiming to be the “good” one. A classic of the genre.
Nale: There’s only one way to settle this: Blast us both. It’s the only way to be sure you get Nale.
Elan: Oh, come on! That’s such a cliché, even for this comic! The twin that suggests that they both be killed is the good twin, because the evil twin wouldn’t be selfless enough to die to make sure the other one did too. It’s like, the oldest trick in the book.
Vaarsuvius: I tend to agree. Elan would be familiar with the trope as a result of his bardic training…while Nale would recognize it on the account of it being a fairly dull and predictable plot turn.
Elan: Huh?
Vaarsuvius: Well, surely, you both must realize that Nale’s stratagems to date have been tedious, unoriginal, and lacking in any truly keen insight. For a self-proclaimed “evil genius”, his schemes have certainly not required any great intellect in their conception.
Nale: Oh yeah? So, what, you think you could have come up with something more clever than Nale did?
Vaarsuvius: Apparently.

0398
We All Just Want to be Held Sometimes
Sabine, Durkon, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Thog

Sabine: See, now, this is more what I had in mind. Just me, you, and your rapidly diminishing life energy.
Durkon: Hey, Sabine! I’ve owed ye this fer a long time!
(D): Hey, Sabine! I’ve owed you this for a long time!
Sabine: Oh, how cute. The little dwarf has a little hammer. Tell me, holy man, do you actually think your pathetic weapon can really hurt me?
Durkon: No. I do think it can still cause ye ta be flanked, though.
(D): No. I do think it can still cause you to be flanked, though.
Haley: I said, “Sneak Attack!” “BITCH!”
Sabine: AAAAH!
Durkon: Good job, lass, she’s down fer the count. Lemme heal ye up before- Did ye say-
(D): Good job, lass, she’s down for the count. Let me heal you up before- Did you say-
Haley: Oh, sorry, I know I shouldn’t use the “b” word. My bad.
Durkon: YE CAN TALK!!!
(D): YOU CAN TALK!!!
Haley: Ha ha ha!
Vaarsuvius: Excuse me, but did I just hear Master Thundershield incorrectly, or did he just say-
Haley: That I can talk? Yeah, he did.
Vaarsuvius: My most sincere congratulations, Miss Starshine!
Durkon: I knew ye had it in ye!
(D): I knew you had it in you!
Haley: Thanks, guys.
Thog: group hug!
Durkon: Hold Person
(D): Hold Person.

0399
Death Actually IS Too Good For Them
Elan, Durkon, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Nale, Leekey, Pompey

Elan: Hooray! The Order of the Stick wins the day over the evil Linear Guild! XP for everyone!
Durkon: I guess now we need ta figure out what ta do wit ‘em.
(D): I guess now we need to figure out what to do with them.
Elan: Oh. Right.
Durkon: Should we return ‘em ta Cliffport ta stand trial fer their crimes?
(D): Should we return them to Cliffport to stand trial for their crimes?
Elan: No way!! If I can break out of that prison, so can Nale. And he’d kill a whole bunch of innocent guards on his way out.
Durkon: Well, we cannae just keep ‘em captives ourselves, we’d mess it up sooner or later…
(D): Well, we can’t just keep them captives ourselves, we’d mess it up sooner or later…
Haley: Right, so maybe we-
Vaarsuvius: Excuse me! Excuse me for one moment! While I would normally be downright gleeful at the prospect of an intellectual discussion without the halfling’s proverbial two copper pieces, I feel that perhaps his unique viewpoint might actually be relevant to this question. Namely, would it not just be wiser to execute all three of them and be done with it?
Haley: Sh’yeah, right. If you want to be fighting them again in a few dozen strips.
Vaarsuvius: Explain that conclusion, please.
Haley: Nale is really, really good at putting together teams of bad people that listen to him, even when it’s not in their own best interest. If we kill Nale, all he needs is for Hilgya or Zz’dtri or someone we don’t’ even know about to drum up the cash for a True Resurrection spell, and BAM! Nale’s back in business and there’s not a lot we could have done. I mean, there’s probably some ubermagic that would bind his soul or something…but that’s kinda on the Evil side of the street if you ask me.
Vaarsuvius: And what, exactly, would the problem with that be? I did SAY that I was representing the halfling’s viewpoint in this.
Haley: Even if we did stop Nale from being raised, what about Sabine? She’s an outsider. Kill her, and she just returns to the Lower Planes and rematerializes down there. I think. Honestly, I don’t really know how that works, I think they keep changing it.
Vaarsuvius: I see. So we have no options that will not result in near-immediate freedom for a trio of enemies that has proven willing to devote enormous amounts of time and energy towards engineering a victory over us, personally? Adding once again to the ever-growing roster of forces harboring vaguely-defined plans that involve our deaths. Maybe we could get a few of our recurring villains to fight one another, to thin the herd? I would hap a handsome sum to see the Linear Guild and that paladin battle for our amusement. Perhaps in some manner of gladiatorial arena…
Elan: THAT’S IT! Vaarsuvius, you’re a genius!
Vaarsuvius: Oh? Then I shall book the arena…
Elan: My gift certificate from Lord Shojo! We may not be able to get Miko to beat up Nale, but we CAN get the Sapphire guard to hold him for us! When we first came to Azure City, they stuck us in those antimagic cells. I’ll ask Shojo to hold Nale, Sabine, and Thog in there until we can come up with a better plan.
Vaarsuvius: Hmmm…antimagic would nullify most of Sabine’s natural powers, as well as Nale’s ability to enchant others.
Durkon: We’re supposed ta have a meetin’ wit Shojo in tha mornin’. We can guard ‘em ourselves until then.
(D): We’re supposed to have a meeting with Shojo in the morning. We can guard them ourselves until then.
Haley: Great! So do we have a plan?
Elan: Sounds like!
Vaarsuvius: Agreed.
Elan: Wow…it’s so weird to have my ideas actually listened to…
Haley: Tell me about it.
Nale: (Fools! None of you realize that even as you blather on, my minions are out there, waiting to rescue me. Even a thousand paladins won’t stop my loyal servants from finding and releasing us from your antimagic cells. All I need to do is wait for them. Soon, I shall be free, and then your doom will be-)
Leekey: Thanks for the help. Have you ever considered employment as a cohort? I can promise a good health plan and you would get to work outdoors.
Pompey: I suppose not warning Nale about his brother’s jailbreak will serve as my two weeks’ notice.

0400
Your Ship Has Come In
Elan, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Haley

Elan: Don’t worry, Door, this won’t hurt a bit! Mending!
Durkon: V an’ I’ll guard Nale an’ tha rest in my room tonight, ye try ta get some rest. We dinnae want ye slippin’ back inta gibberish ‘fore mornin’!
(D): Vaarsuvius and I shall guard Nale and the rest in my room tonight, you try to get some rest. We don’t want you slipping back into gibberish before morning!
Vaarsuvius: Indeed, We still do not know why your condition reversed itself, which may present a danger of relapse.
Haley: Yeah, uh…I actually think I’m pretty sure I know what did the trick.
Elan: Woooo! Door is fixed! All hail Door, King of Doorland! Go Elan! Go Elan! I’m useful! Not-nale nailed Nale, and nails! Boo ya!
Vaarsuvius: Ah. I see. Well, we shall take the Linear Guild and leave you to rest nonetheless.
Durkon: Huh? I dinnae get it…
(D): Huh? I don’t get it…
Vaarsuvius: I’ll explain in the corridor.
Haley: Uh, wait, Elan? I think…I think we need to talk.
Elan: OK, Haley. ‘Bout what?
Haley: Look, Elan…about what I said…when I first got my speech back. Oh boy, this is…hard… You see, I didn’t know that…I didn’t know that you were going to understand that when I said it. It’s not that…um, see, the thing is that I get that maybe you weren’t exactly expecting that. And it may have made you, uh, uncomfortable. And I’m really sorry, you know, about surprising you that way. But, we need to work together. This whole “defeat Xykon and save the world,” thing is a lot more important than any…tension…there might end up being between us. Therefore, I think the best thing to do is just put it behind us and act like adventuring professionals. We’re both adults, ostensibly, so while it may make things a bit awkward, I don’t see any…uh, any reason…any reason why we can’t just…forget it ever… What are you…
Elan: Wanna make out?
Haley: …OK.

Mando Knight

2008-10-01, 12:15 PM

When I first read the title, I thought it would be an index of Monty Python references in OotS. :smallfrown:

Ah, well.

XenoTherapy

2008-10-01, 04:03 PM

Hey, I'm back. School's a real bugger.

But, yea...I should get all of them updated and into the program by tonight. :thog:

EDIT: Updated the front page. Please give me a quick PM if you spot inconsistencies.

Lokasenna

2008-10-01, 04:19 PM

I suppose I'll take another group then.

RMS Oceanic

2008-10-01, 04:23 PM

I enjoyed doing that, and would happily take on another batch!

Lokasenna, do you have a preferance? I'd like to continue from where I finished and do 401-450, but since you "called" getting another one first, you can choose first.

Lokasenna

2008-10-01, 04:33 PM

I don't really have a preference, no.

XenoTherapy

2008-10-01, 04:48 PM

I really appreciate the help, guys. Just got your batch into the folder, RMS.

CrazyMacGuy

2008-10-01, 04:57 PM

Alright, just about to get started, checked the front page, I'm working on 301-350, wish me luck!

XenoTherapy

2008-10-01, 06:38 PM

http://i483.photobucket.com/albums/rr199/AlphaRomeoEchoAlpha51/Banners/banner.png

Think The Giant will have issue with this? After all, Elan does show up in the Folding itP banner.

TigerHunter

2008-10-01, 06:40 PM

http://i483.photobucket.com/albums/rr199/AlphaRomeoEchoAlpha51/Banners/banner.png

Think The Giant will have issue with this? After all, Elan does show up in the Folding itP banner.
As long as you drew him yourself and didn't copy/paste him out of the comic, you're fine.

Also, sorry I've been so lazy. Physics is a bitch.

XenoTherapy

2008-10-01, 06:53 PM

Awesome. :thog:

CrazyMacGuy

2008-10-01, 11:37 PM

I have adopted the wonderful Banner! Very well done!
Working on my allotment of comics... surprised how hard is actually is to translate Durkon when I have to actually think about it...

I can't wait to see if we get the thumbs up from the Giant to distribute the searching app...

XenoTherapy

2008-10-02, 02:03 PM

Yes. Indeed.

I actually sent a PM to Wampax about it a couple o' weeks ago, but still no response. *Wishes there was a sad thog smiley.*

WarriorTribble

2008-10-02, 06:21 PM

I see you updated the format rules. I'll send modified versions of my earlier transcripts with the next batch unless you've already made the changes yourself.

FantomFang

2008-10-03, 03:26 PM

I'd like to apologize for not posting more of the comic scripts, but my life got a little bit hectic with homework and all out of nowhere...so if anyone wants to have a go at 206-250 be my guest, I probably won't be able to get to them for a week or so.

Lokasenna

2008-10-03, 06:06 PM

251-255 Done

0251
A Piece of His Mind
Miko, Roy, Belkar, Haley, Durkon, Elan, Vaarsuvius

Miko: What- What did you say to me?
Roy: Oh, you rolled high enough on your Listen check to have heard me the first time, Miko.
Belkar: Do you think I have time to get popcorn??
Roy: I can’t believe I was ever attracted to you. Thank the gods for Elan and his stupid belt, or I’d still be thinking with my Trouser Titan.
Haley: Oze ktpp ja asf-
(H): You call it the-
Roy: Not the point! You’re not Good, at least not any definition of Good that I would want to follow. You follow the letter of the alignment description while ignoring its intent. Sure, you fight Evil, but when was the last time you showed a “concern for the dignity of sentient beings”? You’re just a mean, social inept bully who hides behind a badge and her holier-than-thou morality as excuses to treat other people like crap.
Haley: Afw xzpd dtod dsf kyjfd!
(H): Ten gold says she cries!
Miko: You have no right to speak to me this way! I am a samurai!
Roy: I have every right! I’m not a part of your little feudal deal there, I’m a free man. We’re free to choose our own alignment, and we don’t have to answer to you just because you’ll lose class features if we don’t. What kind of stupid class relies on other people’s behavior to keep its powers, anyway?? I gave you every chance to do this peacefully. I even defended you to my friends here, for which you gave me nothing but grief. I’m pretty sure I speak for everyone when I say ‘We’re done.” We’re done following you to your mystery master.
Durkon: But Thor’s will…
(D): But Thor’s will…
Roy: So that’s it, Miko Miyazaki. End of the line. If you want to bring us before your liege, you’re going to have to drag us there in chains.
Haley: Ofts!
(H): Yeah!
Elan: You tell her, Roy!
Vaarsuvius: Indeed!
Belkar: I’d like to see her try!
Roy: Stupid railroad plot.

0252
Linear Storytelling
Nale, Sabine, Thog

Nale: This is great. No, really, fantastic! We have been searching up and down one of the biggest cities in the world for WEEKS, and we still haven’t found a replacement wizard for the Linear Guild.
Sabine: Are you sure we need one? The new members we already recruited are pretty strong…
Nale: Sabine, honey, I’ve already invested a lot of time and energy into this “Evil Opposites” theme. I’m not about to rock the boat now. We need a wizard or a sorcerer or something to square off against the elf chick that follows my idiot brother Elan.
Sabine: Well, I still say we should try that magic school up on the hill. They must have hundreds of apprentices. I bet some of them are really evil.
Nale: Helloooo? “Evil Opposites” theme? I’m not seeing it! This goatee isn’t just for show, you know!
Sabine: Well… The elf dude is old and highly skilled at magic… and an apprentice would be young and barely competent! So they’re opposites!
Nale: Fascinating, Sabine. So now we’re skillfully combatting their prowess with our ineptitude. Explain to me how that could possibly be a good idea. Without using the phrase, “false sense of security.”
Sabine: Basically because we’re desperate. We need to get this show on the road, fast.
Roy: Oh really? Please explain why we’re suddenly in such a hurry.
Sabine: Four words: Out of fudge ripple.
Thog: oh, little ice cream friends! thog delays boredom-driven rampage only for you!
Nale: So… a wizard school, you say? Lead on, woman!
Sabine: Every day I pray to my dark fiendish overlords that he doesn’t learn we’re out of sprinkles.

0253
Larry Gardener and the Angry Half-Orc
Headmaster, Nale, Larry, Thog

Headmaster: Yes sir, I think you’ll definitely find someone to fill your vacant position here at the Warthog’s School of Wizardry and Socerery.
Nale: You have a program for sorcerers? Strange.
Headmaster: It’s an Associate’s Degree.
Nale: Ah.
Headmaster: Let me introduce you to our star pupil, Larry Gardener.
Larry: Hullo, guvner!
Nale: OK, Larry, why don’t you tell us a little about yourself.
Larry: Well, let’s see… I’m a precocious youth who manages to regularly trounces wizards with far more skill, experience, and emotional maturity than myself.
Nale: That sounds promising…
Larry: I have only a token respect for the rules, which is OK because all of my so-called authority figures regularly bend, break, or simply forget about the laws in order to accommodate my latest adventure.
Nale: Uh, OK…
Larry: Which is good, because whatever odd occurrence or random event is happening in my area, it always directly relates to me and my past. Always.
Nale: Yeah, I think we’re going to have to pass, Larry. Thanks for coming down.
Larry: What? But I’m the best! Everything always goes my way!
Nale: It’s just not that simple. You see, kid, when it comes to being tagonists, we’re more “an” while you’re pretty clearly “pro”. We’re just not that interested.
Larry: Then you’re villains? Practitioners of the Dark Arts? I will stop you with my badly-mangled Latin and questionable logic!
Nale: We don’t have time for this. Thog?
Larry: Stoppus Badguyus!
Thog: little man talk funny.
Nale: Sorry about the mess.
Headmaster: Don’t be, I’ve been wanting to do that for six books. Years, I mean six years.

0254
Half the Elf, Double the Fun
Nale, Headmaster, Thog, Pompey, Sabine

Nale: My patience is wearing thin. That’s 40 candidates you’ve shown me, and they’ve all sucked.
Headmaster: I think you’ll really like this next one. We call him… The One Who Must Not Be Named.
Nale: Another one? Good gods, man, that’s eleven so far who Must Not Be Named. Not to mention the four who Must Not Be Looked At, the two who Must Not Be Spoken To, and the one who Must Not Be Toilet-Trained.
Thog: thog got to use a mop!
Nale: If you bring me one more brat who’s too trendy to have a name, I’ll feed you your own tusks. And that’s includes any more, ”Wizard Formerly Known As” losers, too.
Headmaster: Of course. This is one of my best students, his name is Pompey.
Nale: Well, it’s a dumb name, but at least it’s a name. Give me the hard sell, kid.
Pompey: I’m a wizard specialist in Conjuration. I chose as my barred schools Evocation and Enchantment.
Nale: Good, I’m sure the elf uses both of those.
Pompey: Did you say “elf”? I hate elves! Stupid oppressive kinsmen, they should all die painfully!
Nale: Ugh, “kinsmen”? Please tell me you’re not some new evil elf subrace…
Pompey: No, no, not an evil elf… I’m an evil half-elf!
Nale: Interesting. Guild huddle, guys. <whispers> I don’t know. It’s kind of weak, but I guess it qualifies as an Evil Opposite.
Sabine: <whispers> The color scheme is certainly appropriate.
Thog: <whispers> huddles are fun.
Nale: OK, kid, you’re in. Welcome to the Linear Guild. I’m your boss, Nale. This green idiot is Thog, and the chick is Sabine.
Sabine: Hi.
Pompey: Well, hello, there, gorgeous. I think I might be just the man for you.
Nale: Hey! A well-established gender identity! He is an Evil Opposite! Now get away from my woman, Ear Boy.

0255
Meep meep!
Pompey, Sabine, Thog, Nale

Pompey: Basically, it’s just like being human, only instead of getting to choose a feat, we all get the same crappy skill and save bonuses. Oh, and instead of getting a ton of extra skill points, we get… low-light vision.
Sabine: No wonder you’ve turned to a life of crime.
Thog: thog feel little man’s pain. thog’s racial abilities also below par.
Nale: OK, Pompey, the rest of the new recruits are waiting at the inn. We’ll head over there and get started.
Pompey: If you don’t mind me asking, sir, on what sort of evil mission will we be embarking?
Nale: As fate would have it, my almost-identical twin brother is a member of a team of goody-two-shoes adventurers that got lucky and defeated us. We’re going to hunt them down and kill them, painfully.
Pompey: Well, I sure love killing, and painful killing is one of my five most favorite kinds of killing.
Sabine: Ha! Yeah, you’re going to fit in just fine, kid.
Pompey: So - how do you plan to defeat them?
Nale: Suffice to say that I have devised a plan that truly showcases my masterful tactical abilities…

256-260 Done. I swear Julia's friend is from Azure City.

0256
Six Degrees of Evil Separation
Nale, Wizard Girl, Julia, Sabine, Thog, Pompey

Nale: You'll love the new members, one is a-
Wizard Girl: HEY GREENHILT, WAIT UP!
Nale: Greenhilt?? My brother and his stooges are here? We’re not ready! We didn’t even find an anvil! OK, Sabine, shift to fiend form! Thog, ready your axe! Pompey, cast-
Wizard Girl: Greenhilt, I said wait up!
Julia: Well hurry it up, I’m late for Necromancy 101. Gods, did you see the outfit Sandra was wearing today?
Wizard Girl: I know! I, like, would never be caught dead in a stars-and-planets wizard robe.
Nale: That, um… That is not Roy Greenhilt.
Sabine: Maybe it IS him, and he’s just wearing one of those magic belts that change gender.
Nale: Don’t be dense, honey, that would be pointless and self-indulgent.
Sabine: I guess you’re right.
Thog: thog liked it.
Pompey: Wait, so the guys you are out to beat include the brother of Julia Greenhilt, the most popular girl in school? Weird, it’s like evil serendipity.
Nale” Pompey, I think you’re on to something. Fate has dropped the winning move right into our laps, my newest lackey. Forget the old plan – we’re going to set a trap for the Order of the Stick, and we’ll use Roy’s sister as the perfect bait! Sigh. Yes, the new plan will STILL involve rocker skates.
Thog: YAY!

0257
POW!

Wizard Girl, Other Wizard Girl, Julia, Thog, Nale, Pompey, Sabine
Wizard Girl, Other Wizard Girl and Julia: Blah blah blah blah blah blah like blah blah blah clothes blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah… Blah blah blah blah boys blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah wands blah blah blah blah… Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bitch blah blah blah seriously blah blah blah-
Julia: What the hell?? Get your hands off of me, you ugly creep, or I’ll make sure you regret it!
Thog: thog not scared. nale gave thog booster shot against cooties.
Nale: Hello, Miss Greenhilt. My name is Nale, and I’d like to welcome-
Julia: Hey! You with the ear. Don’t I know you from somewhere?
Pompey: I did ask you out to dinner once. Per week. For three semesters.
Julia: So no chance of you narrowing it down for me, then?
Nale: Wait, wait. Pompey, did you have some pre-existing reason for aiding us in kidnapping this girl here that you didn’t tell us about?
Pompey: Uh… yes sir, Mr. Nale. I’m sorry, I should-
Nale: Perfect! The Linear Guild is practically synonymous with taking disproportionate revenge over quasi-imagined slights!
Sabine: It even says so on our business cards!
Julia: I can feel my Coolness Factor dropping just by being in the same room as these dorks.

0258
I Think That Violates the Geneva Convention
Julia, Nale, Pompey, Sabine

Julia: What the hell is going on? What am I do here anyway??
Nale: Why, you’re the centerpiece of a daring plan to lure your inspecting brother Roy into a trap, child.
Julia: Uh, “child”? You’re, like, three years older than me, Blondie.
Nale: Five, actually, not that it matters in the least.
Pompey: Wait, you’re only 21? Geez, I’m 43, why the heck am I letting you call me “kid”?
Nale: It’s not the years, kid, it’s the mileage. Now as I was saying, my plan-
Julia: Hey, you know, you’d be kind a cute if you shaved off that stupid beard.
Nale: … I’m going to gag you now. Well I was going to monologue my entire villainous plot to you, but now I guess the readers will have to wait to hear the details. Sabine, find us a lair, somewhere we can hole up for 2 or 3 weeks. Someplace where no one will notice a teenage schoolgirl bound and gagged.
Sabine: I’ll start near the hentai bookstore and work my way out.
Nale: Pompey, hit every magic store in the city. Buy up every scroll you can find with an arcane spell named “Sending”.
Pompey: Got it.
Sabine: “Sending”? What does that do?
Pompey: It allows the spellcaster to telepathically contact someone that they know personally.
Nale: Right, my minion, and it’s how we’re going to dangle our lovely bait. Within a few weeks, I will have my sweet revenge on my brother, and the rest of the Order of the Stick will be dead!
Sabine: Wait, so now we’re NOT killing Elan??
Nale: Oh, no, my darling. That would be over far too quickly. I want my brother to suffer for daring to oppose me. Suffer in the most exquisitely torturous way possible. No, no, Thog, I’m still civilized.

0259
Son of Mail Call
Kodrog, Jim, Redcloak, Xykon

Kodrog: So, uh, hello, readers of The Order of the Stick. My name is Kodrog the Slayer, and this is my buddy Jim.
Jim: Hey.
Kodrog: This was supposed to be the main characters answering your questions for the holidays, but they seem to be indisposed for the time being, and we were a more efficient stand-in than more Linear Guild.
Jim: Because we work cheap.
Kodrog: Right. Anyway, let’s get to some reader letters!
Letter: Dear Haley, Why don’t you tell Elan how you feel? You two would be cute together.
Kodrog: Well, I can’t really answer this question, but I can say with confidence that Haley is one smoking hot human chick.
Jim: Blech, you know, I can’t get past the lack of fangs. She doesn’t do it for me.
Kodrog: Are you kidding? I don’t care how small her teeth are, I would totally hit that.
Jim: Only if your attack roll exceeded her Amor Class.
Kodrog: It’s an expression, dumbass.
Jim: Oh.
Kodrog: Moving on…
Letter: What is that thing in the shadows that hangs around with the villains?
Kodrog: Ooo! I totally know the answer to this one!
Jim: Aw, man, don’t do this.
Kodrog: I got a good peak under the umbrella while we were in the tower. It turns out the thing in the darkness is actually-
Redcloak: Excellent timing, sir. You certainly prevented those two from revealing the dread truth!
Xykon: Prevented who from what now? I just wanted those giant cards to stop blocking my view.

0260
The Prison Blues
Elan, Durkon, Haley, Roy

Elan: Wow! Azure City! This view is amazing!
Durkon: Are ye just aboot done?
(D): Are you just about done?
Elan: Huh?
Durkon: I be a healer, not a footstool!
(D): I’m a healer, not a footstool!
Elan: Oh, sorry, Durkon.
Haley: Ufxm ft, rwra, fkmt bfe xfxxa…
(H): Come on, baby, open for mommy…
Elan: Did you know that Azure City is the largest trading port in Southern lands? Thousands of ships come from all around the world to barter for fine Southern goods like silk, spices, and video games. The average temperature for this season is 63o F, with average yearly precipitation of 26.43 inches.
Roy: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a successful Bardic Knowledge check.
Elan: Hey Roy, I saw a lot of cool merchants when Miko was dragging us through the streets in chains. Do you think we’ll get time to visit some of them?
Roy: Yes, Elan, I’m sure we’ll have a chance to nip out and do some antiquing right between our trial and our execution.
Elan: Gee, I think SOMEBODY needs Protection from Negativity.
Roy: Excuse me for not having the most optimistic outlook right this moment. We’ve been dragged across half the continent by the “paladin” Miko, led through the city in chains, and locked up in this foreign prison. All so we can defend ourselves on some ridiculous trumped-up charge that we don’t understand. Naturally, we seem to be considered guilty until proven innocent, which won’t happen if this Shojo guy is as close-minded and judgmental as his servant is. So the likelihood is strong that before much longer, we are all going to be executed, permanently.
Elan: Oh. Right. Then I guess I have only one question: Would it be OK for me to compliment you on working the plot recap so smoothly into your angry monologue?
Roy: Sure, go right ahead, I’m sure it will work out very well for you.

Lira

2008-10-03, 10:55 PM

Here's 22 to 31:
0022
Leadership in Action
Roy, Belkar

Roy: Hey Belkar. I've been discussing strategy with Haley, and we have a job for you.
Belkar: Really? OK.
Roy: That chimera said Xykon had sent up through the dungeon to kill us.
Belkar: Sure did.
Roy: BUT! If the chimera was sent by Xykon, then it must have come from Xykon's secret throne room. Which means we can track it back to that throne room. Get it? We can track it. Back to the throne room. You're a ranger.
Belkar: Yeah, and?
Roy: Listen carefully: We want to track the chimera.
Belkar: Right.
Roy: You're a ranger.
Belkar: Right.
Roy: That's it.
Belkar: I don't get it.
Roy: *Sigh* The chimera made fun of how short you are.
Belkar: Oh, that is IT! I'm gonna track down that loser's family and slit their friggin' throats!
Roy: I work with the tools I've been given. Sue me.

0023
Meanwhile...
Xykon, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness

Xykon: Bah! That stupid chimera didn't even eat ONE of them! That's what I get for hiring discount mercenaries. Three-for-one deal, my bony ass. OK, who's next?
Redcloak: More discount mercenaries, Lord Xykon, sir.
Xykon: *Sigh* Well, send them out. They're already paid for. And remind me later to have a talk with the staffing department.
Redcloak: Yes, your evilness.
Monster in the Darkness: What about me, master? Let me smash the hated Order of the Stick for you!
Xykon: No, my minion, you are my secret weapon. I shall reveal you only when the time is right.
Monster in the Darkness: Well... can I at least get out of these dark concealing shadows?
Xykon: Didn't I just say I wasn't going to reveal you??
Monster in the Darkness: But... there's no one here but us!
Xykon: HEY!! Who's the archvillian here? I know the drill, the bad guy always keeps his secret weapon cloaked in shadow until the climax! They could do a cutaway to us at any moment...
Monster in the Darkness: But... it's so dark over here...
Xykon: Oh, stop being such a baby. Turn that off!!
Monster in the Darkness: Awwww, man!

0024
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Goblin 1, Goblin 2, Roy, Elan

Goblin 1: Hey, fellow goblin, do you hear that sound?
Goblin 2: You mean that loud clanking?
Goblin 1: Yes, I refer to the loud repetitive clanking. I believe perhaps a group of adventurers is approaching.
Goblin 2: Well, then we had better flee, this denying them valuable XP for defeating us.
Goblin 1: A capital idea. Do not forget to take our precious loot with us
Goblin 2: Yes, we would not want those adventurers, which we can clearly hear approaching, to recoup the exenses incurred by this expedition.
Goblin 1: What about this powerfull magical object, which we are incapable of using to defend ourselves but would be quite effective in their hands if they were to defeat us?
Goblin 2: Better destroy it, then
Goblin 1: And why not arm this deadly but well-hidden booby trap, goblin friend.
Goblin 2: Done! Now let us flee.
Roy: Damn it, Durkon! That's the fifth group in a row to do that! Is there any way you could possibly alert more monsters to our presence? Maybe we could get a big red neon sign saying, “The heroes are here!” Geez!!
Elan: See? I told you it was a good idea!

0025
Armor Begone
Roy, Elan, Durkon, Belkar

Roy: Stay in the back, Sir Clanksalot. Maybe we can actually earn some XP today.
Elan: Wow, Durkon, you really do make a lot of noise.
Durkon: I cannae help it, laddie. It's me armor. It's called the Armor Check Penaltae, and it be sinkin' me Move Silenty check into da nether regions. See far yerself.
(D): I cannot help it, lad. It's my armor. It's called the Armor Check Penalty, and it's sinking my Move Silenty check into the nether regions. See for yourself.
Elan: Wow.
Durkon: B'since I need me armor ta protect me, I mus' live with et.
(D): But since I need my armor to protect me, I must live with it.
Elan: You know, ever since I got this chain shirt, I haven't been as good at hiding.
Durkon: Aye, it's the same thing. It's jus' simple fact aboot armor; The less you wear, the harder it be for them ta see ya.
(D): Aye, it's the same thing. It's just a simple fact about armor; The less you wear, the harder it is for them to see you.
Elan: The less I wear... ... the hard I am to see. Wooooo! I'm invisible!! You can't see me!
Roy: How I wish that were true.
Belkar: Please cast Blindness on me.

0026
Bardic Nudity
Vaarsuvius, Belkar, Roy, Durkon, Elan

Roy: OK, a shiny copper piece to the first person who can tell me why Elan is running around naked.
Vaarsuvius: Giant moth attack?
Belkar: Maybe a bad guy cast “Dispel Clothes”?
Durkon: Ah, well, methinks tha he thinks tha if he took off 'is clothes, he's have a lower Armor Check penaltae.
(D): Ah, well, I think that he thinks that if he took off his clothes, he'd have a lower Armor Check penalty.
Roy: Wow, that is such a stupid idea, I feel dumber just hearing it. OK, where it the Streaking Minstrel? We've got to put an end to this.
Belkar: Really? Because I was kind of hoping we could talk Haley into it...
Roy: Are you kidding? I'm her employer! If she gets back to town and tells all her colleagues in the Rogue's Guild about something like this, they'll slap me with a sexual harassment suit faster than you can say, “Protection from Law.” No, we need to get him to put his shortsword back in its sheath before she comes back from scouting, or I am toast.
Belkar: Ruin all my fun. Stupid p.c. PC's...
Roy: Elan? Are you over here?
Elan: Hi Roy! I know you can't see me because I'm so good at hiding now!
Roy: Actually, I can't see you because I would rather poke my eyes out with a burning stick than open them right now. But, hey, whatever.
Elan: Oh. Well, um... Hey, wanna help me practice my tumbling skill?
Roy: Gaaahh!

0027
The Delicate Art of Intraparty Negotiations
Roy, Elan, Durkon

Roy: Elan, this is ridiculous. You have to put your clothes back on.
Elan: No way! I've never felt so free! And I am so much more agile without all those bulky clothes!
Roy: No, you're not. Regular clothing doesn't even HAVE a penalty. Hell, it doesn't even count towards encumbrance.
Elan: Are you sure? How do you know unless you try it?
Roy: Well, since that's not going to happen, I guess I'll have to live in eternal uncertaintly. Now get dressed.
Elan: Nuh-uh! I can hide better naked, so naked I shall remain!
Roy: OK, uh... HEY! What if I get Durkon to cast Cat's Grace on you? Then you could stay agile, but clothed.
Durkon: What??
Elan: Hmmm... well, I suppose that would be OK... But wouldn't it be even better to cast Cat's Grace and then stay naked?
Roy and Durkon: NO!
Durkon: It's, ah... in the spell description.
Roy: Doesn't stack. Honest.
Elan: Oh. Well, OK, then, I guess that will work.
Roy: Quick, cast it before he changes his mind.
Roy: What are waiting for?
Durkon: ... It's a Touch spell.

0028
Just Like on Three's Company
Roy, Belkar, Elan, Durkon, Haley

Roy: Well, thankfully that little incident is over.
Belkar: Trust me, it was worse at my height.
Elan: Ooh! Your hands are cold!
Durkon: Stand still, blast ye!
(D): Stand still, blast you!
Haley: Hey guys. I'm back!
Roy: Perfect timing, Haley.
Haley: Hey, so did you guys get a good look at Elan's blade?
Roy: WHAT??
Haley: You know, his “weapon of choice”.
Roy: Uh, so you saw that then?
Haley: “Saw it”? Ha! I was the first to get my hands on it!
Belkar: Whoa.
Haley: Vaarsuvius checked it out too, naturally.
Belkar: You know, I always suspected...
Roy: Vaarsuvius?
Haley: I mean, sure it's awfully skinny, but he uses it so masterfully...
Belkar: I can't cover my ears fast enough.
Roy: Whoa, whoa. Haley, to what exactly are you referring?
Haley: Uh, I'm talking about the rapier I looted for Elan from that room you sent me to scout. What did you think I was talking about?
Roy: Whew. Nothing. Never mind.
Haley: Oh, OK. Well anyway, V says Elan has been running around naked, so I'm off to see what his 18 Charisma is worth “under the hood.”

0029
Treasure? What Treasure?
Roy, Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Roy: So, this is the room where you found that rapier you gave to Elan?
Haley: Yuppers!
Roy: And you didn't find anything else in here of any value?
Haley: That's right.
Roy: So that statue had the gems pried out of it before you showed up?
Haley: Right.
Belkar: Heh heh...
Roy: And those two goblins were killed -
Vaarsuvius: With green arrows.
Roy: and stripped of their possesions beforehand?
Haley: Looks like.
Roy: And that treasure chest, with footprints of your size leading up to it, your lockpick still in the lock, and a strand of long red hair snagged on the latch?
Haley: Empty when I got here.
Roy: So, uh... what's in that bag behind you, then?
Haley: Feminine products.
Roy: Goddamn it!

0030
Behind the Secret Door
Vaarsuvius, Elan, Mind Flayer

Vaarsuvius: Stop! Elf sense... tingling! Secret door... nearby!
Roy: You are a finely tuned Searching machine, V.
Vaarsuvius: Feh, Search is cross-class. I consider myself fortunate when I can find my own spellbook in the morning.
Mind Flayer: Hey, I'm trying to be secretive in here!
Elan: Aaah!!! It's a -
Elan: (Mind flayer? Illithid? Psionic danger?) Squid thingy! So... are you going to eat my brain?
Mind Flayer: No, I'm cool, thanks.

0031
All-You-Can-Eat Brain Buffet
Elan, Mind Flayer, Roy, Vaarsuvius

Elan: What's a “zyqxuwy”?
Mind Flayer: It's a type of fish.
Elan: Oh, OK. And on a triple word score...
Roy: There you are! We've been looking all over for you!
Elan: Hey guys! Meet my new friend...
Mind Flayer: (Filling, but bland. Tasty, but too sweet. Too angry... I'd get heartburn. Next! Now we're getting somewhere... Mmmmmmmm...)
Roy: Aaaaah!
Haley: Why is he just attacking Roy like that?
Vaarsuvius: Why are you eating him?? I am a wizard! A delectable 18 Intelligence right before you!
Elan: Would you feel better if one of us ate your brain?
Vaarsuvius: No, it just wouldn't be the same. *Sigh*
Roy: A little help here?

WarriorTribble

2008-10-04, 01:36 AM

I've finally finished my designated set, it can be found here (http://www.mediafire.com/?4lnj0cmm252). If anyone has trouble with mediafire, or spots a mistake, please let me know. :smallsmile:

I'll do another set of fifty if there's a slot left.

EDIT: Oh, I followed your guidlines, but I made an exception on strip 162, since that's a Roy monologue and I figured there needed to be breaks.

Lokasenna

2008-10-04, 10:29 AM

261 - 265 Done

0261
I Smell a Solo Adventure
Guard, Belkar

Guard: Hello? I have your dinner.
Belkar: Congratulations. I suppose you want XP for that? Ugh, this… this is disgusting! I can’t eat this, I’d go into culinary shock!
Guard: Sorry, everyone gets the same gruel, samurai’s orders.
Belkar: So is there a reason you dumped me in this pit instead of in one of the nice barred cells I saw on the way in here?
Guard: I wouldn’t know, I’m just a guard. But the samurai did give us instructions on how to accommodate you prisoners. “The dwarf and the two human men in one cell, the elf and the thief in another, and the halfling alone.” She said you specifically asked for it, something about “emotional duress”.
Belkar: Cute.
Guard: That’s why we put your friends in the anti-magic cell block and you here in solitary.
Belkar: Great. Well you tell that self-righteous – wait. You just implied that THIS cell is not in the anti-magic block.
Guard: Well, true, but the samurai said you weren’t a spellcaster.
Belkar: And you naturally confiscated all of my magical items and locked them up somewhere.
Guard: Of course.
Belkar: But speaking hypothetically, if I had managed to conceal my Ring of Jumping someplace on my body that I was reasonable certain no one would search, would if still function in this dark pit?
Guard: Well, I suppose that’s- Unnh!
Belkar: Let’s see. I’m alone, wounded, and barely armed in a foreign land, trapped in a massive fortress swarming with nameless hostile human sentries.
Guard: Glurk!
Belkar: It’s like my birthday come early, only instead of birthday cake, there are dead humans. Well, more dead humans at any rate.

0262
All You Need is Love and Improvised Thieves' Tools
Elan, Haley, Vaarsuvius

Elan: Hey Haley! How’s the Open Locks check going over there? Any luck?
Haley: Jpz rezncw gpsi! Pncd! Hxj hpd’e jpz pncd??
(H): You stupid lock! Open! Why won’t you open??
Elan: Gee, that doesn’t sound promising.
Vaarsuvius: Indeed, Miss Starshine has already taken 20 on this lock, and to no avail.
Elan: Well, maybe I can help her out with a little musical assistance.
Haley: Qpcdq ep icgg jpz…
(H): Going to kill you…
Elan: Pick, pick, pick, pick the prison door lock!
Haley: C xfeb Flfvcdq-kzfgcej gpsir!
(H): I hate Amazing-quality locks!
Vaarsuvius: I do not believe your song is effective.
Elan: Why not?
Vaarsuvius: Your bardic music is a supernatural effect. Just as I am unable to invoke even the simplest of cantrips in this thrice-damned anti-magic field, so too will your song remain ineffective while in that cell. Although… perhaps a more mundane method might succeed in bolstering her sagging confidence.
Elan: Huh? What do you mean?
Vaarsuvius: Try simply speaking to Miss Starshine, Elan. Tell her know much faith you have in her rogue abilities.
Elan: Oh! OK! So, Haley, uh, I just wanted to say how much we’re all counting on you. We really don’t want to go to trial, so we really need to get out of this dumb jail, like, right away.
Haley: Qbb, exfdir dp nubrrzub exbub.
(H): Gee, thanks, no pressure there.
Elan: And even though that lock is, like, really hard, I know you can do it. Because you’re smart, and sneaky, and good at stuff…
Haley: Wfld ce! PNBD!!!
(H): Damn it! OPEN!!!
Elan: And… I believe in you. Woooo! Haley, you did it!!
Haley: C fl epefggj cd gpyb hcex jpz.
(H): I am totally in love with you.
Vaarsuvius: Love makes the world go round. And it has been known to provide a +2 circumstance bonus to certain skill checks.

0263
The Great Escape
Durkon, Roy, Elan

Durkon: I dinnae think this be a good idea, lad. If’n we escape an’ get caught, things’ll be much worse fer us.
(D): I don’t think this is a good idea, Roy. If we escape and get caught, things will be much worse for us.
Roy: Look, it’s not like we’re escaping to go on a killing spree. We’re just going to sneak out of prison and go home. Not that it matters, since you probably won’t help us anyway. Just like the fight against Miko, I guess. Both fights, actually.
Durkon: I did help ye the second time! I heal’d ye didn’t I?
(D): I did help you the second time! I healed you, didn’t I?
Roy: Yeah, but you didn’t actually attack Miko at all. And when she didn’t chain you as a result, you didn’t manage to set us free.
Durkon: Thor’s bloated liver, Roy, don’t ye understand? Me god wants me ta be here, in this place, an’ talk to this Shojo guy, I just know it. I cannae go aginst Thor’s will, even fer ye.
(D): Thor’s bloated liver, Roy, don’t you understand? My god wants me to be here, in this place, and talk to this Shojo guy, I just know it. I cannot go against Thor’s will, even for you.
Roy: Well, then stay in the cell while the rest of us escape. Because me, I’ve had more than enough of this plotline.
Elan: I believe in you.
Roy: OK, gang, we’re going to subdue the guard outside without killing them. First priority is to find our stuff, so we can properly defend ourselves. Then… sigh… then I guess we should find Belkar and spring him.
Elan: Awwww… do we HAVE to??
Roy: I’m not going to let him be executed by Shojo. I owe him that much for helping to defeat Xykon. And I’m not going to take the chance that he’s released into the world without my supervision. I owe that to everyone else everywhere. Now come on, the Jailbreak Express is leaving the station. All aboard that’s coming aboard.
Durkon: Lad, dinane do this! I cannae help feelin’ ye’ll regret it.
(D): Roy, don’t do this! I can’t help feeling you’ll regret it.
Roy: Regret? The only regret I’m going to have is not seeing the look on Miko’s face when she finds out we’ve escaped.

0264
I Cannae Tell a Lie
Haley, Roy, Miko, Elan, Durkon

Haley: Aqmd. Rmtdwx! Fqqj mx dow gwrrt! Fqqi FQGJ!!
(H): Wait. Listen! Back in the cells! Back! BACK!!
Roy: What the-?
Miko: Lord Shojo has- What was that noise? Were those the cell doors? You were trying to escape!
Elan: What? That’s silly! How could we possibly escape when these doors are still securely locked? Did I say “securely locked”? I meant-
Miko: Honorless pig! I know you were plotting to escape! Luckily, there is still one of you whose word I still trust. Durkon, I know you would not lie to me. Were they trying to flee?
Durkon: Huh? Um, well, see… I can swear on Thor’s beard that the five of us never left our cells.
(D): Um, well, see… I can swear on Thor’s beard that the five of us never left our cells.
Miko: Then what of the cell doors? How did they become unlocked?
Durkon: Sigh. Yer right, lass. I cannae lie to ye…
(D): Sigh. You’re right, lass. I cannot lie to you…
Roy: No, no, no!
Durkon: ‘Twas a mechanical defect.
(D): It was a mechanical defect.
Miko: A mechanical… oh. Very well, then, I suppose you were not trying to escape after all. Either way, I have been sent to collect you. Lord Shojo has now requested your immediate presence. We will gather the halfling on the way.
Roy: <whispers> “Mechanical defect”?
Durkon: <whispers> I dunno, I count, “able ta be picked by a rogue,” as a pretty major defect, aye?
(D): <whispers> I don’t know, I count, “able to be picked by a rogue,” as a pretty major defect, don’t you?

0265
A Tale of Two Paladins
Hinjo, Elan, Roy, Miko

Hinjo: -and so he said, “Rectum? I darn near KILLED ‘im!”
Elan: HAHAHAHA!
Hinjo: And that’s the story of how I became a paladin.
Roy: That’s hilarious.
Miko: Hinjo! Stop fraternizing with the prisoners! They are filthy honorless criminals and are beneath you.
Hinjo: <whispers> Uh oh, we better be quiet or the teacher is gonna keep us after school.
Roy: <whispers> Wait, so you, a fellow paladin of the Sapphire Guard, don’t like Miko either??
Hinjo: <whispers> Let’s just say there is a reason Miko gets picked for long missions. In foreign countries. Which keep her away from home for months at a time. What, you didn’t think all paladins were like her, did you?
Miko: Your foul little henchman is in here.
Roy: Oh, this doesn’t bode well.
Miko: By the Twelve Gods! He has escaped! Hinjo, take the rest of the guards and escort the prisoners directly to Lord Shojo’s audience chamber.
Hinjo: Yes, ma’am.
Miko: Do NOT tell them any more amusing anecdotes along the way.
Hinjo: Sigh. Yes, ma’am.
Miko: I am going to track down that halfling personally.
Hinjo: Do you really think you’ll be able to find him, Miko?
Miko: Yes.

Tre of the Wood

2008-10-04, 02:31 PM

Aw man :smallfrown:! This is cool, but I was hopeing for a citation of all the Monty Pythin references.

Lira

2008-10-04, 04:09 PM

32 to 41:

0032
Biting the Hand that Feeds Me
Roy, Mr. Jones, Mr. Rodriguez, Belkar, Beholder, Haley

Roy: No, seriously, guys.
Mr. Jones: Everybody freeze!
Roy: Who the hell are you?
Mr. Rodriguez: We're magical knights!
Mr. Jones: No, we're lawyers.
Belkar: Crap!
Mr. Rodriguez: The spoooooky wizard sent us!
Mr. Jones: Yeah, the spooky wizard who lives by the coast, if you catch my drift.
Mr. Rodriguez: And we're on a quest to-
Mr. Jones: Phil, we're not going to blend here. Just cut it out. My name is Mr. Jones and this is my colleague, Mr. Rodriguez. We're here to serve you with a Cease and Desist order.
Mr. Rodriguez: A spoooooky Cease and Desist.
Mr. Jones: That monster right there is Product Identity. It was never released to the SRD, and your ecounter with it constitutes a violation of my client's intellectual property.
Roy: What, you mean the Mind Flay-
Mr. Jones: DON'T say it! It's trademarked. OK, buddy, you're coming with us.
Mr. Rodriguez: To see the wizard!
Mr. Jones: Shut up. Phil. Oh, and Blondie: Try to keep your clothes on. Kids play this game.
Beholder: So, uh... does this mean you're not going to need me?
Haley: We'll call you.

0033
Mail Call
Roy, Belkar, Haley, Vaarsuvius

Roy: Well, since SOMEBODY took away our monster, we find ourselves with no plot for today's strip.
Belkar: How exactly is that different from all of the other strips?
Haley: Shush.
Roy: So we've decided to just phone this one in by answering mail from you, our readers.
Belkar: Again, how exactly -
Haley; SHHH!
Roy: Our first letter comes from Henry, writing from Atlanta, GA. Henry asks:
Roy: Haley.
Belkar: Haley.
Haley: Haley. Tee hee!
Roy: Well, OK, that was easy. Our next letter is from Richie in New Brunswick, NJ. Richie writes:
Belkar: Who the hell took the time to make giant cards with letters on them?
Roy: Well, Richie, we asked Vaarsuvius to look into this for us, and here is what we learned/
Belkar: Oh, this ought to be good.
Vaarsuvius: Thank you, Sir Greenhilt. My preliminary inquest into the doily conundrum revealed that they were best used as a decorative lay on a dessert pedestal, under a cake or perhaps a pie. However, sensing more afoot, I delved deeper into the intricacies of the patterns formed by the typical doily. And lo, I discovered that the weaving of while paper formed a matrix that resonated with arcane power. That within the mystic sigil that is the doily, there lay a path taken by few! For the humble doily is indeed the gateway to ULTIMATE COSMIC POWER!! Back to you, Sir Greenhilt.
Roy: The kitchen...
Belkar: Here's an idea: Let's never do this again.
Haley: Yeah, like we're never gonna need filler again. Dream on, shorty.

0034
Math is Fun
Goblin, Roy, Durkon

Goblin: Missed! Ha, missed again!
Roy: Hey, Durkon, don't forget to add in the bonus from Elan's bard song.
Durkon: Oh, right. In tha' case I think I hit 'im tha' first time.
(D): Oh, right. In that case I think I hit him the first time.
Roy: Plus, did you remember how much you hate orcs and goblinoids? That's another +1.
Durkon: Och, right. Then I musta hit 'im both times. Agh! He's still on 'is feet!
(D): Oh, right. Then I must have hit him both times. Agh! He's still on his feet!
Roy: Don't forget the bard song also adds +1 damage.
Durkon: Ooh! Right!
Goblin: Ack!
Durkon: Huzzah! I got 'im!
(D): Huzzah! I got him!
Roy: You know, he'd be a pretty good warrior if he had a better head for numbers.

0035
Rogues Gone Wild!
Roy, Elan, Haley, Durkon, Belkar

Roy: OK, you guys watch over Haley wile she searches this door for traps. V and I will keep an eye out over there.
Elan: Cool.
Haley: All done!
Elan: Uh... maybe you better keep searching.
Durkon: Aye, Take 20.
Belkar: Can't be too safe...
Haley: Oh, OK.
Roy: Hey, what's taking so – WHOA!
Belkar: We thought it best that she keep searching.
Roy: Well, can't be too safe...
Haley: Oops! My top! Tee hee!

0036
Building a Better PC Trap
Roy, Haley

Haley: Geez, what's the big deal? It was just a wardrobe malfunction...
Roy: Focus, Haley. You said there were no traps?
Haley: No, I said I didn't find any traps.
Roy: Uh, what's the difference?
Haley: When I say I didn't find any traps, it might mean there are no traps to find. BUT! It might mean there are traps and my Search score just wasn't high enough.
Roy: But you took 20, right? So you should have found them if they were here.
Haley: That's an entirely valid perspective. But it's just as valid to assume that if Xykon was going to trap this door, he would use traps that I couldn't find. So I'm going to wait all the way over there while you open the door.
Roy: Ah, I wouldn't worry. I mean, I have a lot of hit points. How bad could it be?

0037
Evil, But Cost-Effective
Redcloak, Xykon, Monster in the Darkness, Roy, Ogre Cheif, Zombie Ogre, Goblin

Redcloak: Lord Xykon?
Xykon: Shhh! This dork is about to set off like 100 traps.
Roy: AARRGGGHH!! AAH! AAAA!!!! Oh gods, the pain! The pain!!
Monster in the Darkness: Hahaa! *snort*
Xykon: Hahahaha! Hee.
Roy: Argh! Fire ants!
Xykon: That was great. That trap was totally worth the 10,000 gp. Heh heh.
Redcloak: The ogre cheifs are here, Master. They are asking for higher wages.
Xykon: Wages?!? But I don't pay them in the first place!
Redcloak: That does seem to be the crux of the issue, sir.
Xykon: Feh!! What do those lunkheads need money for? They're just going to die on the end of some adventurer's sword anyway.
Redcloak: Might I be so bold as to suggest not mentioning that to them, sir?
Ogre Cheif: Xykon, my ogres fight for -
Xykon: There! Zombie ogres, just as strong, but they eat less. Problem solved.
Redcloak: uh... very clever, sir.
Zombie Ogre: brains.
Goblin: So, did you ask him about our 401k plan?
Redcloak: Now is probably not the best time.

0038
Spontaneous Artistic Expression
Haley, Roy, Durkon, Belkar, Elan

Haley: So, Roy, how'd that door work out for you?
Roy: Cute. Durkon, I can't move. What's wrong with me?
Durkon: Ye've been poison'd.
(D): You've been poisoned.
Roy: Well, I figured tha, but -
Durkon: 17 times.
Roy: Oh.
Haley: Eww!
Roy: Can you heal it?
Durkon: Only the cuts. I dinnae have tha spell prepared to heal the poison. Got to ask Thor fer it in tha mornin'. Cure Serious Wounds. Until then, ye'll be stuck with a Strenght o' zero.
(D): Only the cuts. I do not have the spell prepared to heal the poison. Got to ask Thor for it in the morning. Cure Serious Wounds. Until then, you'll be stuck with a Strenght of zero.
Roy: Sigh. I guess we're resting here, then. I'm too heavy for any of you to carry. Hey! HEY! Stop it!
Belkar: Heh heh heh.
Roy: Hey!! What are you – quit it! Get off of me! Get away!
Elan: Hee!
Belkar: Heh heh!
Roy: I hate them. So much.
Belkar: I'm gonna see if I can scrap some of that poison off that trap!
Elan: Think of the fun at parties!

0039
Date with Destiny
Durkon, Roy, Eugene, Violet

Durkon: Try ta get sum rest, Aye'll have ye healed in tha mornin'.
Roy: Yeah, OK. Thanks for the clean-up.
Eugene: Well, don't you look comfortable.
Roy: Dad!
Eugene: No, no, don't get up. I was just saying how comfortable you look for someone who recently received an omen from BEYOND THE GRAVE!
Roy: Lay off, Dad. I was poisoned. Besides, that omen thing ended. Like, 18 strips ago.
Eugene: Horse puckey! You think I'd come from the dead to warn you about a lame chimera??
Roy: Woah, time out, Dad. Who is that?
Eugene: Hmm? Oh, that's Violet. Her and I are going to catch a play after we're done here.
Violet: Hi.
Roy: You brought a DATE to come warn me of mortal danger?
Eugene: What? It was on the way!
Roy: And what about Mom!
Eugene: Hey, that deal was very clear: 'Til death do us part. Once I shuffle off the mortal coil, I'm free to play the field.
Roy: Whatever. I don't want to think about that. Did you have something to tell me?
Eugene: Don't get uppity, Poison Boy. I'm just here to tell you not to write that cryptic clue I gave yu last time so easily.
Roy: And I don't suppose you're going to tell me what it meant, right?
Eugene: Fft. No, where's the fun in that? C'mon, sweet thing, let's get ethereal.
Violet: Nice to meet you.
Roy: That's it. Tomorrow night, I'm asking Vaarsuvius to cast Sleep on me.

0040
The Gods Must be Busy
Thor, Surtur, Villagers, Thor's Deva, Durkon, Roy

Thor: Stand true, loyal worshippers! I, Thor, came to defeat Surtur in your hour of need!
Surtur: Grrr!
Villagers: Look! It's Thor! Sweet! Help us, Thor! I'm scared! Eeeeek!
Thor's Deva: Hello? Yeah... yeah, he's right here. OK, hold on. Sir, there's a “Durkon Thundershield” on Line 2. He's asking for three Lesser Restorations.
Thor: Ach, let the machine get it. I'm busy here!
Thor's Deva: We had to get rid of the machine, sir. Too many complaints about unintentional colon tumors. Uh huh. Yeah, uh huh. Sir, he says it's an emergency.
Thor: Fine! I'll talk to him. Geez. Hello, Durkon. Yes, yes, praise me, can we get on with this? How many 1st level spells are you going to need today?
Surtur: ?
Villagers: Praise Thor! Hail Thor!
Thor: Uh huh... and what do you want for the domain spell?
Villagers: What's he doing? Help us, Thor! Thor has abandoned us! Aaaa!
Surtur: Heh heh!
Thor: What about 2nd level spells? And the domain slot?
Villagers: The humanity! Oh sweet apathetic gods! Our lives mean nothing! Mommy, what's happening?
Durkon: Spells're ready!
(D): Spells are ready!
Roy: Well it's about friggin' time.

0041
Just Take the AoO
Roy, Vaarsuvius, Elan, Belkar, Goblin

Roy: Aw crap! Vaarsuvius, you're surrounded!
Goblin: Get it off! Get it off!
Vaarsuvius: No troubles, Sir Greenhilt! Though it take great concentration, I shall cast my deadly spell defensively, this denying these miscreants the opportunity for attack.
Elan: I'll use my bard song to help you concentrate! Concentrate, concentrate, concentrate, concentrate, on your spell! Concentrate! (Concentrate!) Concentrate (Concentrate!) Connnn-centrate! good times, c'mon! We will, we will con-cen-trate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate! Concentrate!
Vaarsuvius: CONE OF COLD!
Belkar: Sweet spell, V! You froze 'em all!
Roy: Too bad you froze Elan by accident.
Vaarsuvius: Accident... yes. Of course. By accident.

Aw man :smallfrown:! This is cool, but I was hopeing for a citation of all the Monty Pythin references.Make a topic about it, I'm sure people will be happy to cite as many as they know for you.

Lokasenna

2008-10-04, 07:43 PM

Maybe when this is done, we should compile all the Monty Python references and put it as part of the project.

266-270 Done

0266
Guessing Game
Elan, Roy, Hinjo, Shojo, Mr. Scruffy

Elan: I can’t believe we’re finally going to meet Lord Shojo! This is so exciting!
Roy: I’m not exactly looking forward to it, Elan.
Elan: Aren’t you at least curious, though? Don’t you wonder what he’s really like?
Roy: I suppose, but I’m more worried what he’ll do to us than about what he looks like.
Elan: I wonder if he’s tall. Like, a big tall paladin guy in shiny armor.
Roy: Maybe. I don’t really know.
Elan: Or maybe he’s like a wizard, with like glowing power all around him and a big staff. Do you think he’s a wizard?
Roy: I don’t know.
Elan: Ooo! Do you think he might be a half-orc?
Roy: I don’t know.
Elan: Or how about a half-elf?
Roy: I don’t know.
Elan: Do you think he’s a half-orc, half-elf?
Roy: I don’t know.
Elan: Do you think he has an eyepatch? Do you think he’s a halfling? Do you think he’s a woman? Do you think he’s a vampire? Do you think he’s a horse? Do you think he’s a robot?
Roy: YES! Yes, Elan, that’s exactly what I think. I think Lord Shojo is a robot. An angry robot with laser beam eyes and crushing titanium claws, sent from the future to punish us in the past. Now could you just shut up for one moment while I try to think of what I’m going to say?
Hinjo: Order of the Stick, I present you before the venerable Lord Shojo, ruler of Azure City.
Shojo: Zzzzzzzz….
Mr. Scruffy: Meow?
Elan: <whispers> Wow, Roy, your guess was totally wrong!
Roy: Sigh.

0267
The Cat Behind the Throne
Shojo, Hinjo, Roy, Mr. Scruffy, Being of Pure Law and Good/Eugene

Shojo: Whuh? Huh? Oh, uh, congratulations, young paladins. You have-
Hinjo: No, Your lordship, these aren’t the new 1st level paladins. These are the people Miko brought back.
Shojo: Oh! Right! Terrible business, there, about that gate. You stand accused of weakening the very fabric of the universe in which we live. Your trial shall thus commence immediately to determine if you are guilty or innocence. Should you be found guilty-
Roy: Excuse me! Excuse me, sir, my name is Roy Greenhilt. This is all very interesting, but I’m just wondering: Who the hell are you people to come up from the South into our lands and capture us? Who gave you the right??
Shojo: A good question. Allow me to consult my legal consultant. Mr. Scruffy, what gives the Sapphire Guard the right to cross national borders in pursuit of those who threaten existence?
Mr. Scruffy: Meow.
Shojo: Ah, yes. Mr. Scruffy reminds me that the Sapphire Guard has been given their holy powers by the Twelve Gods of the South to protect the gates… And since the gods are not limited in their jurisdiction, neither are we. Further, Mr. Scruffy goes on to point out that while yes, Lord Shojo- that’s me- is ALSO the secular ruler of Azure City, his post as Sapphire Commander is separate and unrelated. He has had you captured strictly on the authority of the gods, not on the behalf of his beloved city.
Roy: … I’m sorry, I’m having trouble processing that answer on account of it being dispensed by a friggin’ housecat! Hinjo, please tell me this is what passes for a joke among paladins. We’re not really going to have our fate decided by this guy, are we?
Hinjo: Oh, no. Lord Shojo will be managing the trial, but he will not be rendering a verdict.
Roy: Whew!
Hinjo: For that, our clerics have summoned a being of pure Law and Good from the Upper Planes to render judgment.
Being of Pure Law and Good: Vengeance shall be brought upon the guilty! There shall be no excuses! A cleansing fire shall burn them!
Roy: Yeah, y’know, on second thought, is it too late to go with the old guy and the cat?
Shojo: Guards! Summon the holy kitty litter! Mr. Scruffy demands poopsies!

0268
The Lawyers Strike Back
Hinjo, Roy, Mr. Jones, Mr. Rodriguez, Elan, Haley, Shojo, Vaarsuvius, Celia

Hinjo: The trial shall commence shortly, once the last members of the court arrive.
Roy: “Last members…”?
Mr. Jones: Mr. Jones and associate for the prosecution, Your Honor.
Roy: Ah. Of course, the lawyers. I should have recognized their foul stench when we were brought inside.
Elan: Oh good, I thought that smell was Durkon again. Pew!!
Mr. Rodriguez: Hey, how come your name gets to be first?
Mr. Jones: Alphabetical order.
Mr. Rodriguez: … Shouldn’t it be “Associate and Mr. Jones,” then?
Elan: Hey! Your side gets BOTH lawyers! Shouldn’t we get one of them? Or at least PART of one of them?
Haley: Qddd, baxww.
(H): Ewww, gross.
Hinjo: I’m sorry, but we contacted Mr. Jones and Mr. Rodriguez shortly after Miko was dispatched. They’re the best lawyers around.
Roy: They’re the ONLY lawyers around!
Shojo: Mr. Scruffy thought you boys weren’t going to make it.
Mr. Jones: You can assure your feline that your court date was never in real jeopardy.
Mr. Rodriguez: Ohmygod!!!! You have a kitty!!!!
Vaarsuvius: This is a troubling development. I was already concerned about our actual ability to eloquently present our defense before this court of law… But now we must defend ourselves against two highly-skilled legal professionals-
Mr. Rodriguez: Kitty kitty! Hello, kitty kitty! Hello!
Vaarsuvius: -ONE highly-skilled legal professional and one man in a very expensive suit.
Hinjo: Now hold on, give Lord Shojo some credit. When we contacted Mr. Jones, our clerics also sent out a multi-planar call for a defense counsel. We really didn’t get much response at first, but eventually we managed to find someone. Now, she’s not technically a “lawyer” yet, but she is going back to night school part-time to get her degree.
Roy: Oh, fantastic! This trail can’t get any worse! The judge is insane, the jury is merciless, the prosecution is cutthroat, and now, our defense is a wet-behind-the-ears law student. Our lives are on the line, and we’re going to be represented by a friggin’ paralegal!
Celia: Friggin’ paraelemental, actually.

0269
A Familiar Face
Roy, Celia, Elan, Durkon, Haley, Brad

Roy: Celia?? But why-? How did you get here?
Celia: I flew. These wings aren’t just for show, you know.
Elan: I can’t believe it! You’re our lawyer?
Durkon: Who?
(D): Who?
Haley: Arwcrxcon!
(H): Fantastic!
Elan: But I thought you put your career on hold to spend more time with your family and boyfriend.
Celia: Yeah, well, that didn’t work out so hot. After I dropped your brother and the half-orc off in prison, I decided to fly right to my boyfriend’s house to surprise him. I thought it would be romantic. Of course, I was the one who got surprised when I walked in on that jerk “slipping the wood” to some dryad hussy.
Celia: Brad! How COULD you??
Brad: Baby, it’s not what it looks like!
Durkon: Aye, them leafy wankers have broken many homes.
(D): Yeah, those leafy wankers have broken many homes.
Celia: So I moved back in with Mom and Dad, and when I couldn’t stand them for one more minute, I decided to go back to school. I’ve been studying law ever since. So when I heard the call, I knew that I owed you guys for saving me from the Linear Guild. So I’m here to defend you.
Roy: Well, I for one am thrilled to see you! This may be the first thing to go right in this whole trial.
Celia: It’s good to see you guys too. I was worried you were inside the castle when it blew up.
Roy: I actually feel kinda bad that your first big case is going to be such a failure.
Celia: Actually, you guys have a far better case than you might realize. You’re basically all decent heroic adventurers. As I see it, you were in the dungeon to defeat an evil usurper, and just got a little carried away with making sure his plans were stopped. Plus, the best part is that it looks like you managed to hitch that obnoxious halfling before you got arrested. Could you imagine this trial if we have THAT albatross around our neck! Ha! Talk about your unsympathetic defenders! No, you guys really did yourselves a favor losing him.
Elan: Oooooo, awkward.

0270
Dueling Egos
Miko, Belkar

Miko: Hiding in a storeroom, halfling?? Come out here and face me!
Belkar: An interesting proposal. Let me consider it… No.
Miko: Coward!
Belkar: I prefer the term “still alive”. See, you already beaten me in a toe-to-toe fight, so why should I take the risk? Not when I have high ranks in Hide and Move Silently and I know that Spot and Listen aren’t paladin class skills. I think I’m a lot better off just sniping at you from the shadows for now, wearing down your hit points until I can take you down easily.
Miko: Fool! I can heal my wounds with the blessings of the gods.
Belkar: Sure, I know. But you don’t have unlimited usage. You’ll run out eventually.
Miko: There are dozens of paladins and clerics in this place that can heal me. You cannot beat me byt attrition.
Belkar: Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. I thought what we were doing here was personal. Between you and me. You know… a matter of honor.
Miko: Honor?? You don’t know the meaning of the word!
Belkar: Then show me. Show me by not getting healed by anyone else.
Miko: Very well. <whispers> I’ve got you now… SMITE EVIL! What is this… sake?
Belkar: Yup, found a few big jugs of it in here.
Miko: Why soak me with rice wine? To humiliate me?
Belkar: Because halflings are good at throwing things other than daggers.
Miko: AAARGHH!
Belkar: It’s as true today as when I started adventuring: “When in doubt, set something on fire.”

XenoTherapy

2008-10-04, 07:48 PM

Well, I'm planning to add episode descriptions, tags, character appearances, important events...

...so why not add Monty Python? :tongue:

Lokasenna

2008-10-04, 08:06 PM

Quick question: What is the Blind Seer of Azure City's name, V's familiar, and does the male old dirt farmer have a name? And how did they get one of Xykon's roaches to testify?

Also, The Order of the Scribble Arc is coming up soon, and I was wondering if you still want me to go with one line until the speaking gets cut off. Shojo does A LOT of monologuing, so it's going to get really crowded until someone buts in for a quick comment.

Lira

2008-10-04, 08:31 PM

Quick question: What is the Blind Seer of Azure City's nameSangwaan. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0413.html)
V's familiarBlackwing. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0154.html)
and does the male old dirt farmer have a name?Nope.
And how did they get one of Xykon's roaches to testify?No idea. I never thought about that. :smalltongue:

Sstoopidtallkid

2008-10-04, 08:31 PM

XenoTherapy

2008-10-04, 08:58 PM

Also, The Order of the Scribble Arc is coming up soon, and I was wondering if you still want me to go with one line until the speaking gets cut off. Shojo does A LOT of monologuing, so it's going to get really crowded until someone buts in for a quick comment.

Just make it one big block till it's cut off.

Lira

2008-10-05, 02:21 PM

42 to 50:
0042
Belkar Unleashed
Belkar, Goblin Ninja

Belkar: (Well it's about time they let me scout by myself. I am so sick of those giant lumbering oafs, clomping around with their massive shoes like they're so cool. To hell with them. I don't need any of them. Holy crap! A goblin ninja! Holy crap! I made my Spot check!) Bring it!
Goblin Ninja: Ninja! uh oh... AAAAARGGH!!!!!!!
Belkar: Woot! I am the most badass halfling EVER! In your face, Elijah Woods! Oh yeah! Look at me! Look at me! Everyone look – I *knew* I kept them around for something.

0043
What's Behind Door #2
Elan, Haley, Roy, Belkar, Xykon, Nale, Vaarsuvius

Elan: So... cold...
Haley: Ooo! Another door!
Roy: Awww, screw that! I am not getting hit with more traps.
Belkar: C'mon, what are the chances Xykon trapped two doors in a row??
Xykon: Pretty good, actually.
Haley: Don't be a wuss, Roy. We have to go through the door eventually.
Roy: Not necessarily. Belkar, does the chimera's trail lead through the door or not?
Belkar: Oh, wait. Was I supposed to still be tracking that? What?? Yeah, like I was really gonna remember that.
Roy: I say we leave it and move on for now.
Vaarsuvius: I concur. Indeed, we have no way of ascertaining what dire perils or luminous wonders lie behind this simple oaken door! It need remain a mystery until we might learn more about what might lie behind it.
Elan: Wonders? Perils? Mystery?? Ooo! Let's see!
Roy: Elan! NO!!
Elan and Nale: Whoa...
Vaarsuvius: See? I told you it would remain a mystery.
Elan: DUNH DUNH DUNNNNNH!!!

0044
Meet the Linear Guild
Belkar, Nale, Roy, Yikyik, Elan, Thog, Hilgya, Zz'dtri, Haley

Nale: Hail! Well, it certainly is nice to see a friendly face here in the dungeon!
Roy: Uh, yeah... so, who the hell are you?
Nale: Why, adventurers, much like yourself I'd wager. We are known as the Linear Guild.
Belkar: Ugh, I hate kobolds...
Yikyik: Blech, halfling...
Elan: Wow! We're the Order of the Stick!
Nale: Fascinating.
Roy: It certainly is nice to meet another fighter. Clearly, you must be the leader of the team. Perhaps we could compare tactical notes.
Thog: thog like breaking stuff.
Roy: ... Never mind.
Nale: You'll have to forgive Thog. Intelligence was his dump stat. As a point of fact, I am the leader and strategic genius behind our quest.
Roy: You're kidding.
Nale: Not at all. My name is Nale. Allow me to introduce my colleagures. This is Sabine, my second-in-command, and Hilgya Firehelm, my spiritual advisor. Our tracker, Yikyik.
Hilgya: Say hello to the nice adventurers.
Yikyik: Bite me.
Nale: And finally, our team wizard, Zz'dtri.
Zz'dtri: ...
Nale: He doesn't speak much.
Haley: Hey, wait a minute. Aren't dark elves evil?
Nale: Oh, my, no. Not since they became a player race. Now the whole species consists of nothing but Chaotic Good rebels, yearning to throw off the reputation of their evil kin.
Haley: Evil kin? Didn't you just say they were all Chaotic Good?
Nale: Details.
Haley: What are the scimitars for?
Zz'dtri: They're standard issue.

0045
Strength in Numbers
Roy, Nale, Elan, Haley, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Durkon

Roy: Could you excuse us for one moment, Nale?
Nale: Certainly.
Roy: OK guys, what do you think about this “Linear Guild”?
OOTS: Alternate universe? Doppelgangers? Mirror of Opposition? Evil twins? Doppleganers? I said that already. Hackneyed plot device?
Elan: But I like Nale. He's friendly, and seems oddly familiar.
Haley: Elan, look at that Sabine woman: She's wearing red leather. I mean, red leather?? Of course she's evil!
Elan: I think we should ask them to join forces! There's six of us and six of them. With all ten of us -
Haley: Twelve, sweetie.
Elan: With all twelve of us, we could really crush Xykon!
Roy: Surprisingly, Elan makes a good point. (Which probably just proves that we've stumbled into some bizarre alternate reality.)
Elan: Yay!
Roy: If both groups are going to raid the dungeon anyway, we can cut down on losses by working together.
Haley: I guess... But adding six more adventurers will cut our treasure share down to %8.33 per person per encounter. And decrease our Treasure-per-Encounter ratio down by an estimated 11.378% for the entire expedition. Which, when compounded with loss of XP for those same encounters, puts us 14.7% behind our expected RWT Index – that's Recommended Wealth Total – for this character level!
Roy: Haley, y'know, treasure isn't really that important.
Haley: Don't EVER say that to me again.

0046
Deep Thoughts
Haley, Roy, Nale, Sabine

Haley: I'm just saying I don't think we can trust them.
Roy: That's because you have trust issues.
Haley: What?? That's not true!
Roy: Sure it is. You don't trust anyone we meet. For example, you didn't trust the barmaid at the tavern before we left. You kept saying she was “scamming” us.
Haley: She totally was scamming us! “Tips”? C'mon, like we're going to give her money just for doing her job.
Roy: I rest my case. Nale, we have a proposal for you. We'd like your team to join us in our quest to destroy Xykon the Lich.
Nale: Hmm, a capital idea! Unfortunately, we have our own quest we have been charged to complete. We seek the fabled Talisman of Dorukan, a mighty relic secreted within this very dungeon. We have been charged by our wise and benevolent king to retrive it.
Sabine: King? What ki-OWW! Oh right, THAT king.
Roy: Well, that sounds like a fine and noble quest! Why don't we help you with that, and you can help beat Xykon?
Nale: Agreed!
Haley: Geez, grow a Sense Motive.
Nale: Let's shake on it. (My Machiavellian plan is beginning to come together. Now that I have secured the aid of these gullible saps, the Talisman, shall soon be mine! Indeed, I have worked for years for this very day. It seems like just yesterday when my father took me aside and told me -)
Haley: <whispers> Psst! Why's he just standing there?
Roy: <whispers> Internal monologue. Give him a minute.

0047
But is it High Definition?
Haley, Belkar, Yikyik, Nale, Vaarsuvius, Elan, Redcloak, Xykon, Monster in the Darkness

Haley: This sucks. Now I have to adventure with a bunch of total skeezy losers.
Belkar: Yeah, I feel the same way every day of my life.
Yikyik: Shut up. I'm tryin' to listen.
Belkar: Make me, freakshow.
Nale: OK, now according to the ancient texts I've studied, the mystic Talisman of Dorukan is protected by three magical sigils, one representing each of the classical elements.
Vaarsuvius: Are there not FOUR classical elements?
Nale: Yes, but apparently there were budget issues towards the end of the dungeon construction. Water got cut out entirely. Each rune is at the end of a dangerous stretch of dungeon which is thematically tied to one of the elements in a dreadfully cliched manner. Each of these magical sigils needs to be touched at the same time in order to open the path to the talisman. So obviously, we need to split up. Elan, Durkon, and Hilgya come with me to find the Fire Sigil. Roy -
Elan: Wait, did you just pick me first??
Nale: Ummm, yes.
Elan: Roy never picks me first.
Roy: Yeah, that's not coincidental. OK, I guess I'll take Thog and the Psychotic Midget Patrol here for the Earth Sigil.
Nale: Which leaves Haley, Sabine, and the two elves to find the Air Sigil.
Vaarsuvius: Very well.
Elan: This is going to be so cool! I wonder if Xykon is even gonna know what hit him!
Redcloak: Master, they've split up. I humbly suggest we scry on the leader.
Monster in the Darkness: No! I wanna watch the little guys fighting!
Xykon: Minions, minions, Lord Xykon has it all under control.
Monster in the Darkness: Ooooooooooo, picture-in-picture!
Xykon: We can also watch it in Spanish.
Yikyik: ¡Oye, creo que me falle de notar algo!

0048
Stab of Opportunity
Roy, Belkar, Yikyik, Thog

Roy: OK, let's go find an Earth Sigil or whatever.
Belkar: AARGH! Why you little orange piece of sh-
Roy: Did- did you just stab Belkar?
Yikyik: What? He totally provoked me! He left my threatened area!
Roy: You've got to be kidding me. C'mon, let's go, this has to be simultaneous.
Belkar: AARGH!! Damn it! Again??
Yikyik: Combat Reflexes, ass-wipe.
Roy: HEY! Knock it off, you two. Let's go!
Yikyik: Why aren't you following your leader?
Belkar: And leave your threatened area again? Nuh-uh. Why aren't you following your big dumb door-opener?
Yikyik: No reason.
Belkar and Yikyik: Right.
Roy: You know, normally this kind of thing would upset me, but I think our chances of success just went up.
Thog: yay! thog happy talky-man is happy.
Roy: Then again...

0049
Collect the Whole Set
Haley, Sabine, Vaarsuvius, Zz'dtri, Shop Owner, Gnome Wizard

Haley: OK, so how are we going to fight a whole bunch of flying creatures that are guarding this stupid Air Sigil?
Sabine: Zz'dtri here can cast Fly on all of us.
Vaarsuvius: Ahh, but the Fly spell now only lasts a few minutes.
Sabine: Nah, he's got a 3.0 version that was house-ruled in.
Vaarsuvius: I very much would like to copy that spell from your spellbook, Mr. Zz'dtri. I would trade you a mighty Fireball spell for it.
Zz'dtri: No.
Vaarsuvius: How about a Lightening Bolt?
Zz'dtri: No.
Vaarsuvius: Dispel Magic?
Zz'dtri: No.
Vaarsuvius: Vampiric Touch?
Zz'dtri: No.
Vaarsuvius: Haste?
Zz'dtri: Sucks now.
Vaarsuvius: Time Stop? Meteor Swarm? Wish???
Zz'dtri: No.
Vaarsuvius: Blast! It is no wonder your people were banished from the sunlit realms - you were hogging all the good spells!
Haley: V, if you wanted a Fly spell so badly, why didn't you buy one in town?
Vaarsuvius: I attempted to do that very thing, Miss Starshine, but was thwarted by the store's odd policies...
Shop Owner: Sorry, we don't sell individual cards anymore. Too much hassle. Now we only sell randomized “booster packs”.
Gnome Wizard: Crap! Another “Feather Fall”? This totally sucks!

0050
The Semi-Secret Origin of Elan & Nale
Nale, Elan, Elan's Mom, Mr. Jones, Durkon

Elan: Wow, this is exciting. I've never been in the first group before!
Nale: Well, Elan, I wanted the chance to talk to you. You know, the moment you opened that door, I thought to myself, “Why, here's a handsome fellow!” Ha ha ha! But seriously. I think there is a deeper relationship between us than any of which you are aware.
Elan: Are- are you hitting on me?
Nale: What?!?
Elan: Because, whatever you heard about what happened at Summer Camp-
Nale: No, no, Elan. Not like that. I meant that I think we might be brothers.
Elan: Oh. Cool, I never had a brother before. Are you sure?
Nale: No, but I thought we could compare stories of our childhoods and see if they match.
Elan: Ooo! Ooo! Me first! My Mommy raised me by herself. She's a barmaid, and the nicest, kindest person in the whole village. She told me that my Dad was a mean fighting guy who left her and me behind when he went off to battle.
Elan's Mom: Serve, serve, serve, serve refreshing adult beverages!
Nale: Ah, see, now, my Father was a cold and ruthless general of a nigh-unstoppable army. He told me he had abandoned my good-two-shoes mother in some small backwards village.
Elan: Aw man, those stories don't match at all! Wow, those stories match perfectly! I wonder why they split up, though.
Mr. Jones: Your honor, my client is suing for divorce on the grounds of Irreconcilable Alignment Differences. He's Lawful Evil and his wife appears to be Chaotic Good.
Nale: I'm also unable to explain the apparent gulf in our mental faculties...
Elan's Mom: Nale! Stop hitting your twin brother in his soft undeveloped baby skull!
Durkon: Go fish.
Nale: ...And it certainly doesn't explain why they would never tell us about each other.
Elan: Oh, that I understand. See, by not telling us, it increases the potential dramatic tension should we ever encounter each other as adults. What? Oh, I'm a bard, that kind of stuff comes naturally.
Nale: A bard, huh? My father taught me that bards were underpowered.
Elan: Really? So what class are you?
Nale: I'm a multiclass fighter/rogue/sorcerer who specializes in enchantment spells.
Elan: And that never struck you as needlessly complicated?
Nale: Not until this moment, no.

XenoTherapy, I'm done my first assigned batch of strips now and I'm willing to take on some more. But would it be okay if I skipped ahead and did 551 to 600? :smallsmile:

XenoTherapy

2008-10-05, 02:30 PM

XenoTherapy, I'm done my first assigned batch of strips now and I'm willing to take on some more. But would it be okay if I skipped ahead and did 551 to 600? :smallsmile:

Sure!Go ahead

Kwarkpudding

2008-10-05, 02:42 PM

Sounds interesting.
Is it okay if I do 451-500?

XenoTherapy

2008-10-05, 02:44 PM

Sounds interesting.
Is it okay if I do 451-500?

Of cohse! *Is from Bahston-area Massachusetts.*

Lokasenna

2008-10-05, 03:36 PM

271-275 Done

0271
The Prosecution's Case
Shojo, Mr. Jones, Sangwaan, Dead Goblin, Roach, Blackwing, Vaarsuvius, Dirt Farmer, Doctor, Flumph, Celia, Elan, Roy

Shojo: The Chair of Truth has been prepared. Mr. Jones, you may call your first witness.
Mr. Jones: Thank you, Lord Shojo. The prosecution calls-
Sangwaan: Our divination spells clearly revealed that it was the Order of the Stick that had…
Dead Goblin: …saw the whole thing. Well, up until the part where I was killed along with the others.
Roach: So then the blond guy touches the big glowing…
Blackwing: Caw caw caw CAW caw caw caw!
Vaarsuvius: Curse you, treacherous avian!!
Dirt Farmer: …could see the explosion all the way from…
Doctor: In my medical opinion, the Order of the Stick suffers from an acute case of…
Flumph: And then… *sob* I’m sorry, I can’t go on.
Mr. Jones: It’s OK, sir, take your time.
Flumph: And then… he stepped on my tentacle!
Celia: Geez, we’re getting clobbered out there. Where did he find all of these witnesses??
Elan: I’m sorry, Celia, I thought I had the perfect surprise witness for the defense all lined up… But Banjo is unwilling to compromise his integrity to help us out. He saw what he saw.
Roy: Have you considered treating him as a hostile witness? Like, say, by whacking him repeatedly with a blunt object?

0272
The Big Secret
Mr. Jones, Celia, Shojo, Roy, Mr. Rodriguez, Mr. Scruffy, Elan

Mr. Jones: The prosecution rests.
Celia: What??
Mr. Jones: We rest. Our case is complete.
Celia: But that doesn’t even make sense! All you did was get testimony about how they allegedly blew up a random castle. I know I’m new at this, but I’m pretty sure that’s not enough for a conviction. The charge given was “weakening the fabric of the universe,” not, I don’t know, “castle blowing upness.” You need to link the castle’s destruction to something else or you’ve got absolutely no case!
Shojo: I’m afraid I agree, son. Don’t you have any more evidence?
Mr. Jones: Well, of course I do, Your Honor. But as you well know, the additional evidence relies on state secrets.
Celia: WHAT??
Shojo: Oh! Right! The secret stuff. Well, I guess since I know the secret and our friend from the Upper Planes knows it, we can just move on to the defense.
Roy: You’re all insane! You drag us down here in chains so that you can tell us “Oh, whoopsie, we can’t tell you the basis for the charges against you because you’re not in the top secret club”??
Celia: I’m afraid I have to agree with my client. This is outrageous.
Mr. Jones: Don’t look at me. Azure City law clearly stipulates that telling anyone this secret is a criminal offense. You didn’t think a Lawful Good government automatically meant free speech, did you?
Celia: OK, fine. Keep your secret, then. I move for an immediate dismissal of all charges. Not only did the prosecution fail utterly to connect my clients in any way to the so-called “weakening of the fabric of the universe”, but my clients are also incapable of receiving a fair trial, since they cannot form any kind of defense against charges that rely on secret voodoo knowledge to even understand. Unless, of course, I need to know the secret handshake to make a motion in this court.
Mr. Rodriguez: Oh, no, the secret handshake is for sidebar conferences.
Shojo: Hmmm… yes, I concur. Mr. Scruffy, bringing the perpetrators to justice IS more important than keepings the secret…
Mr. Scruffy: Meow?
Shojo: Very well, Miss Celia. In the interest of giving your clients a fair trial, I shall reveal to you the Secret Forbidden Lore of the Sapphire Guard.
Celia: Really? Darn, I was kinda hoping for a mistrial, not a bunch of background exposition…
Shojo: It all began at the Dawn of Time…
Elan: Dun Dun DUN!!
Roy: Elan!

0273
The Crayons of Time: Doodles on the Sketch Pad of Eternity
Shojo, Elan, Roy, Durkon, Thor, Hades, Pig, Zeus, Dragon

Shojo: At the Dawn of Time, there was chaos. A formless mass of possible realites, tangled together in a big fat pile.
Elan: <whispers> Psst! Do you think this troy will take a while? I have to use the bathroom!
Roy: <whispers> I’m pretty sure you should have thought of that when he began with “At the Dawn of Time.”
Elan: <whispers> Awwww, man!
Shojo: From beyond the chaos, the gods arrived. They saw the many possibilities and decided to shape a new world, one of myth and magic. The gods were divided, as they are today, into several pantheons. We know them now by the regions of the world that worship them: Odin, Thor, and the gods of the North. Dragon, Tiger, Rooster, and the rest of the Twelve Gods of the South. Marduk, Tiamat, and the gods of the West. And finally, Zeus, Ares, and the gods of the East.
Durkon: Whoa, thar. Gods o’ tha East? Never heard o’ em.
(D): Wait a minute. Gods of the East? Never heard of them.
Roy: Yeah, what kind of name is “Zeus”, anyway?
Shojo: Hey! Who’s the wizened old man dispensing valuable plot points here? You? Didn’t think so. Now pipe down! Where was I? Oh, right. The gods began the project in harmony, but soon, arguments began to arise on how this new world should be created. For each facet that the four pantheons agreed upon, there were two that they did not.
Thor: I think trolls should be hardworking blacksmiths, toiling away underground forging magical weapons.
Hades: No! Trolls should be vile monsters, living under bridges and harassing goats!
Pig: You’re both wrong! Trolls should be tiny wrinkled men with big poofy hair that are collected by old women!
Shojo: And when the pantheons could not agree, they would simply pull of the threads of reality, hoping to manifest their divine will on this new world by sheer force.
Thor: Hades, let GO!
Hades: YOU let go!
Shojo: The new world took shape, but for every argument, a new snag would develop in the fabric of the world.
Zeus: Elves should be making toys, not casting spells!
Shojo: A new snarl in the threads of reality.
Dragon: Who ever heard of dragons that can’t breathe fire??
Shojo: And the gods, blinded by their petty squabbles, did not see the Snarl growing every day… Growing more complex… growing more intelligent… growing more hateful.

0274
The Crayons of Time: The Snarl
Shojo, Zeus, Durkon, Monkey, Frigga

Shojo: Until the day it struck. Malevolent and powerful, it wanted nothing more than destruction. It slew Apollo and Ares outright in the first round of combat. Then it systematically executed the remainder of the Eastern gods: Hades, Poseidon, even gentle Demeter and fair Aphrodite. All of them. Wise Zeus died last, still wondering what had happened.
Zeus: Why?
Durkon: Wait a minute, ye cannae kill tha gods. Tha’s impossible.
(D): Wait a minute, you can’t kill the gods. That’s impossible.
Shojo: For mere mortals like you and I, certainly, friend dwarf. But the Snarl was literally born of deific frustration and hostility. Its claws cut through them like daggers through parchment. Some have theorized since that gods were MORE vulnerable to the Snarl then a mortal of the same level would have been. Then, the Snarl turned its hungry eyes to the newly minted world below. It drained bloody armageddon down on the world, devouring each and every soul, from the mightiest dragon to the tiniest of gnats. Nothing escaped it. The gods of the other three pantheons looked on helplessly. They had seen the carnage Zeus’ family had suffered, they knew they could not stand against this beast. But with every passing moment, millions of souls cried out in anguish, dying with prayers to impotent gods on their lips. Twenty-seven minutes after it had revealed its existence, the Snarl had undone creation. The remaining gods hid in their Outer Plane homes, hoping the Snarl would not discover them. They hid for centuries. But the chief deities met in secret, hatching a plan. They knew that when their beautiful world’s life was cut short, all of the many threads of reality that had been woven into it were released. These threads could be used to fight the Snarl on its own terms. And so they pledged to work together to build a new world. This time, the three pantheons would decide in advance who would create what part of the world. Each god would get a chance to create. There would be no fighting, just cooperation and harmony.
Monkey: OK, my turn? Ninjas.
Frigga: What? Hey, we all agreed on this medieval knights-and-wizards theme!
Monkey: So? It’s my turn, my choice, I say: NINJA!
Frigga: … Fine.
Shojo: Well, MOSTLY harmony.

0275
The Crayons of Time: World 2.0
Shojo, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Thor, Loki, Mijung, Soon

Shojo: The gods weaved the new world as quickly as they could, but they needn’t have hurried. The Snarl was a thing born of chaos. It did not understand the pattern of the threads, even as it watched them take form around him. It did not grasp the implicit purpose of the god’s creation… To trap it in a prison of manifested reality. As the gods pulled on the last few strands, the new world formed in the same planar space as the Snarl, shunting it into a tiny demiplane from which it could not free itself. The gods had been clever and built their planet to exist in multiple coterminous dimensions, thus blocking the only vibrational frequencies the Snarl could have used to escape from its cell.
Haley: Vxv?
(H): Huh?
Vaarsuvius: He means that the world we live in is merely the padlock on the jailhouse of reality.
Shojo: Exactly. The Snarl clawed and scraped at its dark prison, but could not break free on its own. In that demiplane, its divine energy was nulled, leaving it weakened.
Thor: How do you like that, you deicidal maniac? Huh? HUH? Now who’s so big and tough?
Loki: Dude, don’t taunt the god-killing abomination.
Shojo: A thousand years and more passed in the world of mortals. The gods had created new worshippers for themselves, who had in turn built mighty civilizations. Some even raised up their own gods, like the elves and the goblins. But the gods chose not to tell any of their followers of the horrid beast that lay just beyond their plane. The gods feared that there would someday be a mortal who sought to free the Snarl, so they kept their secret.
Mijung: Fascinating… it appears to be some sort of planar rift , Soon, but I’ve never seen anything…
Soon: Beloved, leave the magic back in your laboratory for once. Let us enjoy the sunkissed forests of elven lands before duty calls us back to Azure City.
Mijung: Just a moment, dear, I think it-
Shojo: Sadly, this meant that even the most learned in the ways of arcane lore were caught unprepared… when holes appeared in the Snarl’s prison.
Mijung: guh.
Soon: MIJUNG!

276 -280 Done

0276
The Crayons of Time: The Order of the Scribble
Shojo, Lirian, Celia, Serini, Kraagor, Girard, Dorukan, Roy, Vaarsuvius, Holey Brotherhood Member, Soon, Dwarf 1, Dwarf 2, Dwarf 3

Shojo: Sixty-six years ago, a paladin by the name of Soon Kim lost his wife to one of the rifts while on a diplomatic mission to the elven lands.
Lirian: Excuse me, have you seen any lost bears around here? I’ve- Oh my gods! What happened?
Shojo: He soon met an elven druid, Lirian, who was investigating wildlife disappearances in the deep forest. Together, they concluded that the same rift was responsible. They joined forces to further research the strange rift, and to find a way to seal it, thus keeping anyone else from suffering the same fate. They traveled the world and were soon joined by four allies: Serini Toormuck, a halfling rogue. Kraagor, a barbarian dwarf. Girard Draketooth, an illusionist and tracker. And Dorukan, a wizard with whom I believe you are familiar.
Celia: I’ll say, he still owes me my last paycheck!
Serini: Hey Soon, next level I think I might take a level in paladin. Won’t that be cool? Two paladins in the party?
Kraagor: I don’t know if you’re the paladin type, Serini.
Serini: Well, I’ve got the Charisma for it.
Girard: But wait, will we have to implant the stick up your ass, or will it grow there once you take the level?
Dorukan: If it means she’ll march in stoic silence from now on, I wholeheartedly support it.
Shojo: They discovered five rifts, scattered across the world. Through diligent study and magical inquiry, they were able to guess at their nature.
Roy: Hold on, I’m sure this was a great campaign for these characters, but why didn’t the gods just fix the prison? They trapped this “Snarl” in the first place, didn’t they?
Shojo: Soon and his allies learned that the gods could remake the prison without the rifts… but to do so would require the raw threads of reality that were currently being used by the world.
Vaarsuvius: So they could fix it, if they let the entire world be undone again first.
Shojo: Right. They agreed it was best not to let things deteriorate to the point where the gods felt they had no choice but to destroy the world to rebuild the prison. So they went to each rift and defeate those who would use them for their own purposes.
Holey Brotherhood Member: The Holey Brotherhood believes in the right for holes to exist! You shall not seal this one!
Girard: Geez, you’ve got to be the dumbest villain ever!
Lirian: Really? You think he’s worse than Baron Pineapple?
Shojo: And while they never found a way to remove the rifts entirely, they did develop means to seal them up. Their final adventures together led them to seal all five of the rifts, trapping the Snarl once again in its timeless prison.
Soon: Cast the spell! Seal the rift!
Lirian: No! Not until you’re both clear!
Soon: DO IT!!
Shojo: Their victory was not without cost, however.
Serini: “Sob!*
Lirian: Dearest Kraagor… your brave sacrifice will not be forgotten.
Girard: Actually, I ‘m pretty sure that’s exactly what will happen. Isn’t that right, Soon?
Shojo: They agreed, grudgingly, that the rifts needed to once again be kept secret. Like the gods before them, they feared what would happen if they fell into the wrong hands. With the rifts sealed, Lirian and Dorukan began intense magical research into a way to “lock” them. In time, they developed a design for a mystic gate that would buttress the fabric of reality around each rift and keep it from tearing further. As long as the gates stood strong, the rifts would never grow. The pair sunk their entire fortune into building the five gates. When they were completed, the group agreed that as high-level adventurers, it was their duty to protect the gates with the most powerful forces they could bring to bear.
Dwarf 1: Geez, will you look at these plans? This human can’t afford this kind of work.
Dwarf 2: Yeah, he’s sure not paying us enough for this Water Dungeon… or this reinforced ceiling.
Dwarf 3: You know, if we cut corners on this big gate in the basement, I bet we can use the money to pay for a new pool table in our Rumpus Room.
Dwarf 1: Done and done.
Shojo: Unfortunately, that’s when the trouble began…

0277
The Crayons of Time: Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Shojo, Dorukan, Soon, Girard, Serini, Celia, Roy, Elan, Haley, Vaarsuvius

Shojo: The party agreed that the gates could not be allowed to fall into the hands of evil, but they disagreed on how best to defend them.
Dorukan: Only the most epic magic can defend the gates.
Soon: Magic? Your magic can be dispelled or disrupted. Only the honor of a paladin is unbreakable.
Girard: Honor, yeah, that and a silver piece can get you a hunk of cheese.
Shojo: With the death of Kraagor still weighing heavy on their hearts, the disagreements turned into arguments, the arguments turned into blame, and the lame turned into something ugly.
Soon: You don’t care if the gates fall, as long as you can research a new spell!
Dorukan: And you don’t care if your allies fall, as long as you avenge your dead wife!
Shojo: Anger and resentment that had simmered through years of adventuring were suddenly unleashed. Words were said that could never be taken back. Spells were readied in anger, and blades drawn in self-defense.
Serini: STOP!!
Shojo: Only the lone voice of a halfling woman prevented bloodshed. Knowing that the party would never travel again after what had been said, Serini devised a compromise that would allow the five adventurers to part way while still protecting the five gates.
Serini: Look, we all think we know how to best defend the gates, right? So let’s split them up. There’s five of us and five of them. We each take the one closest to our homeland. We retire, and build a stronghold to defend our chosen gate, however we see fit. And we agree, no interference in the other four gates. We’ll set up some kind of monitoring divination to tell if someone else’s gate is broken, but that’s it. No spying, no “just checking in” visits, no nothing. We leave her today, and that’s it. We’re done with each other.
Shojo: They agreed, and swore an oath to that effect. And as far as we know, no two have ever laid eyes on each other since. Dorukan left for Redmountain Hills, where he spent years warding his gate with the most powerful sigils he could imagine. Lirian returned to the rift that she had first found with Soon. She enlisted the aid of the creatures of the forest in its defense. Girard Draketooth hid his desert gate behind an endless series of cunning illusions, relying on the power of deception to protect the gate. Even though it has been her idea, Serini wasn’t really the type for retiring.
Serini: OK, set the purple worms down gently, we don’t want a repeat of the Roc Incident.
Shojo: She decided that she would build a tomb for Kraagor, and fill it with the nastiest monsters in the world, to reflect his belief in the power of physical might. And Soon, he believed more than anything in the power of honor, truth, and loyalty. He returned to Azure City and selected the noblest samurai to join him as his paladins. He named his fighting force the Sapphire Guard. We know little about the other four, as the oaths taken by each paladin prevent them from seeking out the other gates. But we do know that Soon sent his men and women on a crusade to wipe out all who would threaten the Azure City gate, no matter how far removed geographically. In the process, they purged all mention of the gates and the rifts from libraries. It was if the events of the previous few years had never happened. When I was but a boy, learning at my father’s knee, an aged Soon came to him and transferred command of the Sapphire Guard. Soon said it was crucial that the defense of the city and the defense of the gate be held in the same capable hands. He died shortly thereafter. And when my father passed on, the duty and all of the secrets passed on to me. For 47 years I have commanded the Sapphire Guard. And when I die, my nephew Hinjo here will be Lord of the city. And now you know the Secret Lore of the Sapphire Guard.
Celia: <whispers> Psssst! Flashback’s over!
Roy: Huh? Oh geez!
Elan: Aren’t we suppose to get a 2-panel warning?
Haley: Zfq bq nzml??
(H): Are we back??
Vaarsuvius: That is it, when this story arc is over, I shall be calling my agent.

0278
A New Strategy
Vaarsuvius, Shojo, Celia, Roy

Vaarsuvius: So your contention is that by eradicating this gate of Dorukan’s, Elan has inadvertently weakened the fabric of the universe that keeps this “Snarl” safely trapped?
Shojo: Correct.
Vaarsuvius: And should all five gates be destroyed, you believe the stress would tear the prison apart, releasing the Snarl to undo this world?
Shojo: Correct again.
Vaarsuvius: Then I have just one more question: Why in the blasted infernal hells did anyone install a self-destruct enchantment on the cursed thing?? While I fully admit my knowledge regarding the nature of the world’s construction is clearly not as far advanced as I would have hoped, I have to believe that if I ever found myself needing to build an artifact whose sole purpose was to reinforce the failing infrastructure of the universe, I would somehow see fit to NOT include a booby trap!!
Shojo: Yes, I had wondered that myself; our gate here does not have one. But Mr. Scruffy believes that Dorukan must have feared that there might be something worse than the loss of one of the gates. It is possible that someone could learn to harness the power of the Snarl, perhaps releasing it under more controlled circumstances, with the proper magic. Mr. Scruffy further hypothesizes that the gates may actually enable such a plan by defusing the Snarl’s energy. If only one gate was destroyed, it could, in time, be rebuilt. But if that gate were to be opened and the Snarl controlled, it would mean a new age of darkness for the universe. Mr. Scruffy believes that this is why Dorukan saw fit to include an easy way to destroy his gate, should it be threatened.
Celia: Roy, quick- when you knocked off Xykon, were there any of his lieutenants that got away?
Roy: Sure, some goblin in a red cloak. I didn’t catch his name, though.
Celia: Then that’s our new defense. When Elan blew up the gate, it wasn’t just an accidental goof up-
Roy: He was keeping the gate from falling into the wrong hands! Well, falling further into the… wronger hands, I guess. Celia, that just might work. You don’t think it’s going to be a big problem that Elan wasn’t actually intending to keep the gate safe by destroying it?
Celia: Roy, Elan didn’t intend to weaken the fabric of the universe, it was an accident. But here you are, on trial. I say, if intent doesn’t matter, let it not matter in our favor!
Roy: So now we’re pleading “Not Guilty by Virtue of Two Wrongs Make a Right.”
Celia: Hey, I don’t make the crazy rules, I just twist them to my purpose.
Roy: You’re going to do very well in your chosen field, Celia.

0279
No Soup for You
Bald Chef, Other Chef, Belkar

Bald Chef: I don’t know about your new recipe. It’s not bad, but it’s just missing… something. What do you call it?
Other Chef: “Halfling Drop Soup.”
Belkar: Needs pepper.

0280
The Boot
Durkon, Celia, Mr. Jones, Mr. Rodriguez, Elan, Roy

Durkon: … an’ then tha goblins led us through tha hills to tha dungeon.
(D): … an’ then the goblins led us through the hills to the dungeon.
Celia: What was your purpose in that dungeon?
Durkon: Well, we were thar ta beat Xykon, a right nasty lich.
(D): Well, we were there to beat Xykon, a really nasty lich.
Celia: And when you say “beat,” what do you mean by that?
Durkon: Well, uh, ta destroy ‘im. An’ ta wreck whatever plans he be… plannin’.
(D): Well, uh, to destroy him. And to wreck whatever plans he might be… planning.
Mr. Jones: Ah, I see where she’s going. A classic Unlikely Heroes defense. We might have some success citing precedent. Get me the case files for Sauron v. Baggins, Takhisis v. Everman, and… Riddle v. Board of Education.
Mr. Rodriguez: How about Witch v. Gale?
Mr. Jones: Hmmmm. Yeah, OK, but East, not West.
Mr. Rodriguez: Should we use the giant boot?
Mr. Jones: I’m not sure that- Wait, did you just say “giant boot”?
Mr. Rodriguez: Sure! The Comedically Large Boot! It never fails at trial.
Mr. Jones: Considering that your oversized footwear has no connection to any of the facts of this case, I think it’s due.
Mr. Rodriguez: Aw, c’mon, it’s so distracting, who could possibly form a defense against it? “Look at me, I’m a big giant boot! Wooooo!” Plus, you can use it in your closing argument. “If the boot doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”
Mr. Jones: Putting aside for the moment that that particular joke has been done to death, we’re the prosecution, Phil. We don’t WANT an acquittal.
Mr. Rodriguez: Oh.
Mr. Jones: Now get out of that thing and help me get ready for cross-examination.
Elan: You could change it to, “If by the boot you’ve been kicked, you must convict.”
Mr. Rodriguez: Sweet! Thanks!
Roy: Elan! What have I told you about assisting the enemy with their rhyming scheme?
Elan: Sigh. “If you help with their verse, you’ll just make things worse.”
Roy: Exactly.

I know I'm not done with this group yet, but could I reserve 551-600 as my next batch?

Lokasenna

2008-10-06, 06:48 PM

281-285 Done

0281
Get the Lead Out
Miko, Belkar

Miko: Hiding in Lord Shojo’s garden this time, coward? Aha! I’ve got you this time. And just to be sure… Detect Evil! The lead sheet? Ba! It doesn’t matter now, it didn’t prevent me from finding you.
Belkar: True. Luckily, it’s a multipurpose sheet.
Miko: What possible other purpose could a big lead-
Belkar: Oh man, it was TOTALLY worth lugging that thing around, Small-sized penalties to carrying capacity or not! Now get up so I can- Huh. Well, crap. Now THAT’S not going to be any fun, is it? Hey, Miko, you don’t mind if I drink this potion of Cure Critical Wounds I found on you that you were clearly saving, right? Thanks. BORED! Hey, wake up, Snow White! It’s me, the 8th dwarf, “Stabby”.
Miko: …whuh?
Belkar: Prince Charming ain’t coming , get your fat ass up already.
Miko: You may have stunned me momentarily, but I’ll never die that easily!
Belkar: Less talk, more standing up, please. See, this is more like it.
Miko: What did you say?
Belkar: I said, “I’m looking forward to cutting out your pancreas, you fascist cow.”

0282
Closing Arguments
Celia, Roy, Elan, Mr. Jones, Vaarsuvius

Cecil: One last question. If you knew then what you know now- about the gates and what they do- would you have tried to prevent Elan from touching that magic rune?
Roy: Well… no. even though I scolded him for it at the time, I now fully believe that Xykon’s minions were capable of carrying out his plan for the gate. As alien as it sounds to my ears, Elan did the great thing, in my opinion.
Celia: Thank you, Mr. Greenhilt. The defense rests, Your Honor.
Elan: Yay! You did really well, Roy!
Roy: I’m sure I would have done even better if SOMEONE hadn’t been whispering, “Testify, testify, testify, testify on our own behalf,” the whole time.
Celia: Shhhh! Mr. Jones is starting his closing argument.
Roy: No singing.
Mr. Jones: There is only one fact that needs to be considered in this trial: Did the human known as Elan destroy Dorukan’s Gate and did his allies aid him-intentional or not- in doing so? The answer is simple. Yes, he did and yes, they did. The defense will attempt to obfuscate the simplicity of this answer with a lot of talk about heroism and such, but this is a court of law, not a bardic poem. Whether or not it was ultimately beneficial, the law is clear: weakening the fabric of the universe by destroying one of the gates is a crime in the eyes of the gods who give the Sapphire Guard their holy power. It is not the place for a mortal to supercede divine law and take matters into their own hands. The gods have wisdom and understanding beyond what you and I can possibly grasp, and if they didn’t want the Sapphire Guard to bring these perpetrators to justice, wouldn’t they have revoked the divine powers granted to the arresting officer? We can easily interpret their will by observing that they have not yet seen fit to do so. For that matter, if Dorukan’s Gate needed to be destroyed, as the defense will no doubt claim, could not the gods have done so themselves? The gods have spoken through their silence: the Sapphire Guard is in the right, and the Order of the Stick is not. The gods you serve are Lawful and Good, by their very definition; their will can never be anything BUT Lawful and Good. Follow their guidance, then, and convict the defendants. All we ask is that the laws that exist be enforced. They did the crime, let them do the time. Thank you.
Celia: Did my client activate the Self-Destruct Rune on Dorukan’s Gate? Yes. We have never disputed this fact, despite what the prosecution would have you believe. But would there BE a Self-Destruct Rune on the gate in the first place if there weren’t circumstances that warranted its use? When Elan destroyed the gate, he was doing the right thing- whether or not he knew it at the time- to keep it from being further exploited by Xykon’s goblin henchmen. We live in a world of black and white morality; this is something we all know. But I ask you, who ever said black is always wrong and white is always right? Our alignments are not rigid and unyielding codes of conduct – no, not even a Lawful alignment. They are goals for ourselves. Standards we hope in our hearts that we can achieve. Failing them does not mean invalidate the choice we made to attempt to live within the bounds of that alignment; it just means we must try that much harder next time. This court clearly operators under the Lawful Good point-of-view, but that does not mean it is required to blindly label my client’s Chaotic act as a crime. You have an opportunity, right here and now, to correct the mistake that was made in charging my clients. Lawful Good does not mean a strict adherence to meaningless laws, even at the expense of safety. It acknowledges the possibility of bad laws. A Lawful Good authority such as this court needs to constantly evaluate whether or not a law supports the greater good. If it does not, it should be stricken from the record or revised. I therefore purpose that any prohibition against destroying the gate is subservient to the greater good of the safely and wellbeing of the inhabitants of the universe. It’s not going to make you any less Lawful Good to admit that the law-however well intended- did not take all of the possibilities into account when it was handed down. You alignment does not make you immune to mistakes, and making mistakes will not cause you to change alignments. The distinction between intent and action is the foundation of the law. The criteria for punishment is not what you were thinking, but what actions you took. And Elan took a heroic and desperately needed action when he destroyed that gate, despite having absolutely no capacity to understand that fact. Yes, he weakened the fabric of the universe. And if he hadn’t, we might all be speaking Goblin now. Or worse, the universe may have come to an end altogether. There are people who claim alignments are archaic and limiting; that they restrict possible personalities and lead to inherently unsolvable conflicts. Please, prove them wrong. Prove that even in a system of objective Good and Evil, there is still room for nuance and exception. Prove that Lawful can sometimes be wrong for all the right reasons, and Chaotic can sometimes be right for all the wrong reasons. Prove that the alignment system works, and find my clients not guilty. Thank you.
Elan: Amazing! Don’t you think Celia did a good job?
Vaarsuvius: Meh. I found her argument too brief for my taste.

0283
Rock the Vote
Roy, Celia, Elan, Shojo, Mr. Scruffy, Being of Pure Law and Good/Eugene

Roy: Great job, Celia. I think you nailed it.
Celia: Thanks. I just hope it’s enough.
Roy: Well, if it’s not, you should really know that I really appreciate all that you’ve done for us here. We wouldn’t have had a chance without you.
Celia: Thanks, Roy. That means a lot to me.
Elan: Wow, they both made such persuasive arguments. It’s going to be tough to decide who to vote for.
Roy: Who to… vote… for…? Elan, this is a criminal court, not American Idol! We’re the ones on trial here! We don’t get to- You know what? You’re absolutely right, it IS going to be tough to decide who to vote for. That’s why you should think very carefully and then write down your vote on a piece of paper, which you should then give to the white cat.
Elan: Yay! I’m part of the democratic process!
Roy: What? Don’t give me that look. You’re the one who started the whole, “Let’s not tell Elan uncomfortable truths,” thing. I just can’t bear to tell him he has no power to decide his own fate now.
Shojo: Ahem. Oh Mighty Being of Pure Law and Good! You have heard the arguments on both sides of the case. Are you prepared to render your verdict?
Elan: Here you go!
Mr. Scruffy: Meow?
Being of Pure Law and Good: I am. On behalf of the Upper Planes and the cosmic forces of Law and Good, I find the Order of the Stick to be-
Elan: Awww, man! I hate weekend cliffhangers!
Roy: Well, if you hadn’t decided to speak in the last panel, we’d have known by now!

0284
Shattered Expectations
Being of Pure Law and Good/Eugene, Roy, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Haley, Celia, Shojo, Hinjo, Miko

Being of Pure Law and Good: Not Guilty.
Roy: Well, guys, it’s been an honor to work with you, and I guess I may see some of you in whatever afterlife- … Wait, did he just say NOT Guilty?
Elan: Hooray!
Vaarsuvius: Outstanding.
Haley: Zktv?
(H): What?
Being of Pure Law and Good: By virtue of it having been strictly necessary at the time, the Order of the Stick is hereby cleared of all charges.
Roy: Hmm. Go figure. I had pretty much given up on there being any justice at this farce of a trial, but I guess I was being too cynical.
Haley: Fx, ztbv, vktv aupqbev qxusf’v ntou sufsu. Qtzs qxf’v zxpo vktv ztd.
(H): No, wait, that verdict doesn’t make sense. Laws don’t work that way.
Celia: Wheee! I won! I won my first case!
Roy: Ha ha!
Haley: B’au suuf ufxlck xi nd Vkbuaus’ Clbwq ipbufqs sufv vx jpbsxf vx ofxz vktv vkbs skxlwq ktau huuf t exfabevbxf.
(H): I’ve seen enough of my Thieves’ Guild friends sent to prison to know that this should have been a conviction.
Shojo: Thank you, Being of Pure Law and Good, for your service in this matter. Hinjo, please retrieve the Order of the Stick’s weapons. They are free to go.
Hinjo: Yes, Lord Shojo.
Shojo: And Hinjo… Why do I have a piece of paper on my lap that says, “Meow”?
Elan: I didn’t know if Mr. Scruffy could read Common.
Roy: I’m going to make a radical suggestion here and propose we leave this awful place and never return.
Vaarsuvius: I second your motion.
Haley: Hlv… hlv bv qxusf’v ntou tfd sufsu!
(H): But… but it doesn’t make any sense!
Elan: Ummmm, Haley? Are you OK there?
Haley: Fx! B’n fxt XO, vkbs zkxwu vpbtw ntqu FX SUFSU! Zu ZUPU clbwvd! Bv skxlwq ktau huuf t clbwvd aupqbev! B etf lfqupsvtfq bi vkud ztfvuq vx puqleu vku sufvufeu qlu vx vku ebpelnsvtfeus, hlv bv skxlwq ktau svbww huuf t clbwvd aupqbev.
(H): No! I’m not OK, this whole trial made NO SENSE! We were guilty! It should have been a guilty verdict! I can understand if they wanted to reduce the sentence due to the circumstances, but ti still should have been a guilty verdict.
Elan: I guess you’re upset? Did you vote for the other guy?
Haley: Xk, fuaup nbfq. B qxf’v ofxz zkd B’n hxvkupbfc.
(H): Oh, never mind. I don’t know why I’m bothering.
Elan: It’s tough to tell if you’re mad at me. I mean, you LOOK mad, but looks can be deceiving.
Shojo: Mr. Greenhilt? Mr. Scruffy would look to have a word with you before you leave.
Roy: Yeah? Well Mr. Scruffy can shove it up his fuzzy little-
Haley: Ztbv- Uwtf, zktv qbq dxl rlsv std?
(H): Wait- Elan, what did you just say?
Elan: I understand, though. I’m kinda bummed out too. All that time spent on the trial, and what a let down. I mean, they call that a climax? “Not Guilty, thanks, now leave”?
Haley: Xk nd cxqs, Uwtf! Vktv’s bv! Uwtf, dxl’pu t cudblus!
(H): Oh my gods, Elan! That’s it! Elan, you’re a genius!
Elan: That’s not a climax!
Miko: Time to DIE, evildoer!
Elan: See that? THAT’S a climax!

0285
A Moment of Truth
Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Miko, Roy, Elan, Haley, Durkon, Shojo

Belkar: <whispers> Do it…C’mon, do it…
Vaarsuvius: Scorching Ray! Belkar is a horrible, loathesome, supremely selfish creature who behaves contemptibly, laughs at the pain of others, has no manners whatsoever, and whose mental acuity would be compared unfavorably to that of a table. And yet I find I still prefer him to you.
Miko: Do not interfere in that which is none of your concern, elf!
Roy: Oh yeah? Well, I’m pretty sure it IS my concern… I’m his leader. You want him, you’ll have to go through me.
Miko: You call yourself Lawful Good and yet you defend him?
Roy: Not everything is about Good and Evil, Miko. In this case, it’s about loyalty. I learned in Fighter College that a good commander doesn’t abandon one of his people in the face of the enemy. And Belkar IS one of my people. He’s had numerous opportunities to turn on us in battle and has never done so. Despite the fact that if he had sided with our foes, he could have probably beaten us and then looted our corpses for our magical items.
Belkar: Hey, that’s a good idea…
Roy: You’re not helping. Face it, Miko: Belkar is a member of the Order of the Stick, and you are not-and never will be.
Elan: Yeah! You big meanie!
Haley: Rst azq’e tqmgowezqm kg, ws hge kg xtwe wzr efze rst’og z couyum lueaf zqd rsto efuyfw hssp cze uq efze zokso.
(H): You can’t understand me, so let me just say that you’re a frigid bitch and your thighs look fat in that armor.
Miko: And you, Durkon? Do you stand against me now as well?
Durkon: Na unless ye force me ta. Think, lass. This cannae be wha Thor wanted. Let thar be no more death taday.
(D): No unless you force me to. Think, Miko. This cannot be what Thor wanted. Let there be no more death today.
Miko: Very well. If enemies you wish to be, than I simply have to crush you all a third time before exacting justice on the halfling. Make peace with your gods, Northerners.
Shojo: STOP! Miko Miyazaki, the orders I gave you were to deliver this halfling to my audience chamber. You have now done so successfully, despite great difficulty. For this, I commend your efforts. I now request that you retire to your quarters and await further orders.
Miko: Master, the halfling killed one of our guards in cold blood. He must be punished.
Shojo: Then he will be taken into custody and tried, lawfully, on those charges.
Miko: As you command, Master. You are my rightful liege, I obey your wishes. For I am a paladin… whether any of YOU like it or not. But mark my words: This act of defiance has sealed your fate. You will suffer a great loss for choosing Evil over Good. This I swear. Holy justice will be served, in due time. I only pray that the Twelve Gods allow it to be my hand that strikes the final blow, so that I might feel your warm sin-stained blood spilled rightfully on the cold hard ground.
Elan: Whew! And here I thought she was going to be upset!

Also, does the male paladin from 290 appear to be O-Chul, or is that just me?

XenoTherapy

2008-10-06, 10:28 PM

I know I'm not done with this group yet, but could I reserve 551-600 as my next batch?

Lira's doing it.

And yes, it could be a younger, scarless O-Chul.

Lira

2008-10-06, 10:59 PM

551 to 559:
0551
Slow and Steady, My Ass!
Elan

Elan: *huff* *huff* *huff* Awww, man! I hate is when a scene begins “in medias res”! I never know what's going on until like two strips later!

0552
And Yet the Turtle Got Away on His Own
Elan, Durkon, Daigo, Gok, Crong, Mungu

Daigo: Are they still behind us??
Durkon: Aye, but dinnae worry. If'n ye hold steady fer a mite, tha lightnin' o' Thor'll clear a path through 'em, fast as... ... Well, fast as lightnin', I guess.
(D): Aye, but don't worry. If you hold stready for a moment, the lightning of Thor will clear a path through them, fast as... ... Well, fast as lightning, I guess.
Elan: Although I didn't mind it so much in strip #1... No! Durkon, don't! They have our hostages back at their orc village!
Daigo: Hostage, Elan. Singular!
Elan: This is just a minor diplomatic setback, it happens all the time. Like, really, ALL the time. But if you start zapping them, we won't be able to talk to them at all.
Daigo: Well then do something fast, my arms feel like they're made of ochre jelly. Durkon, you should really consider switching to chainmail, it's a lot lighter.
Durkon: A long beard an' tiny pinchy loops o' metal dinnae mix as well as ye might believe. Elan, use one o' yer illusions!
(D): A long beard and tiny pinchy loops of metal don't mix as well as you might believe. Elan, use on of your illusions!
Daigo: Yeah, trick them into giving up the chase!
Elan: How do I do that??
Daigo: What am I, a main protagonist? How should I know? Just DO SOMETHING already!
Elan: Uh... OK... OK, I can do this... Major Image!
Daigo: Did you... Did you just cast an illusion of a SECOND horde of angry orcs?
Elan: I panicked! It's all I could think of!
Daigo: Great, no they're going to feel MORE confident about chasing us, 'cause now it looks like they outnumber us 40-to-1 instead of just 20-to-1. In their minds, you've doubled the odds against us!
Elan: Don't bring your fancy math into this!
Durkon: Daigo, lad, watch an' learn...
(D): Daigo, lad, watch and learn...
Crong: crong say hold on. new guys have situation well under control.
Gok: gok agree. seem very competent at core rampaging skill set.
Mungu: mmm. good fundamentals.
Gok: gok suggest crong let other orcs chase humans and dwarf.
Crong: crong agree. crong's heart not in chase anyway.
Mungu: mungu concur. mungu rather finish grammar lesson for today.
Crong: mmm. yes, crong hope crong get to verb conjugation before end of week.
Gok: gok look forward to first-person pronouns.
Mungu: capital letters intrigue mungu.

0553
Diplomacy is a Beach
Elan, Daigo, Durkon, Vaarsuvius

Elan: I think we lost them!
Daigo: Yeah, they all turned back into the jungle.
Durkon: See? I told ye they were in league wit da trees!
(D): See? I told you they were in league with the trees!
Daigo: Durkon, the trees are not conspiring with the orcs.
Durkon: Och, ye said yerself when we got 'ere tha they all looked pretty shady to ye.
(D): Oh, you said yourself when we got here that they all looked pretty shady to you.
Elan: Vaarsuvius! You need to help us!
Vaarsuvius: Why no, it never becomes tiresome hearing THAT shouted at oneself, that you for inquiring. Am I to assume from your hurried egress from the foliage that you failed utterly in securing an oral agreement to resupply the fleet?
Daigo: They seemed OK with supplying us with arrows- one at a time.
Elan: I don't even know what happened! Everything started out peachy. We made contact with the orcs and told them we wanted to trade. They agreed to bring us to their leader.
Daigo: Then things got... weird.
Vaarsuvius: I see. And how exactly did you manage to unintentionally offend their sovereign? Was it a personal hygiene comment, or something entirely new?
Elan: Hey, I'd resent that implication if it wasn't based entirely on my actual behavior up to this point!
Durkon: Na, na, Vaarsuvius, ye don't get it – Elan was perfect. He was charmin' an' likeable, an' laid out tha details, just like Hinjo told him ta.
(D): No, no, Vaarsuvius, you don't get it – Elan was perfect. He was charming and likeable, and laid out the details, just like Hinjo told him to.
Vaarsuvius: Then what compelled such a hasty retreat?
Elan: Well, I was entertaining the Chief to try to improve his attitude one more step to Friendly – When all of a sudden, they started bowing down and worshipping all around me!
Vaarsuvius: Oh, by the Great Elven Ancestors, are you honestly telling me that the savage natives mistook the civilized explorer for their deity? Because I think that would signify an all-time nadir for originality in this comic.
Daigo: No, you don't understand... They weren't bowing down to Elan.

0554
You're No Help at All
Elan, Daigo, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Shaman Vurkle, Chief Grukgruk, Lien

Elan: -and then the doctor guy grabbed Banjo off my hand and said I wasn't worthy of holding him!
Daigo: That's when the stabbing and shooting began.
Durkon: Followed by the runnin' and prayin'.
(D): Followed by the running and praying.
Vaarsuvius: Why in the infinite planes would a tribe of orcs spontaneously begin worshipping your hand puppet?
Elan: Wouldn't a better question be, “Why don't more tribes of orcs spontaneously being worshipping my hand puppet?”
Vaarsuvius: No. No, it would not. Wait- were there not four of you when you departed?
Elan: Lien wouldn't run away.
Daigo: Because, you know...
Durkon: Paladin.
Lien: So, if you were looking to sacrifice a virgin, you'll have to find a way to travel back in time to before my Junior Prom.
Shaman Vurkle: no, banjo like girl with some experience.
Chief Grukgruk: better if been around block few times.
Lien: Damn it, how does my mother keep being right about this stuff?
Daigo: So, do we have a plan to rescue her?
Durkon: I dinnae exactly prepare me spells today wit stealth in mind, but I think I may be able ta-
(D): I did not exactly prepare my spells today with stealth in mind, but I think I might be able to-
Vaarsuvius: I wish you all the luck required to complete your endeavor.
Elan: Wait – aren't you coming with us, V???
Vaarsuvius: I am not. I only agreed to accompany this expedition because I needed to procure several avian specimens with which to complete my current experiment, which I have done. I leave the details of establishing trade relations – including dealing with unforeseen consequences therof- in the hands of those maginally more qualified.
Daigo: But what about Lien??
Vaarsuvius: My sole priority lies with contining to search for Miss Starshine. Lien is an adult, it is not my place to relieve her of the ramifications of her unwillingness to flee when the circumstances warrant it.
Durkon: Wha if she dies, Vaarsuvius? Wha then?
(D): What if she dies, Vaarsuvius? What then?
Vaarsuvius: Then I suppose you will need to raise her. Who knows? Perhaps we can get a message to Sir Greenhilt in that manner. Either way, it is hardly my concern. Fly! Now if you will excuse me, my research awaits.
Durkon: Come back 'ere, ye blasted elf!
(D): Come back here, you blasted elf!
Elan: Forget it, Durkon. We can handle this on our own. I may not have been able to save Haley, but I can go back and make this right. This is where we draw the line in the sand (literally) and say, “No more!” We won't leave one of our own behind again!!
Durkon: Ye ARE talkin' aboot rescuing Lien, right?
(D): You ARE talking about rescusing Lien, right?
Elan: We won't leave TWO of our own behind again!! (Thanks.)

0555
Half-Dragons Are Even Worse
Qarr, Chief Grukgruk, Shaman Vurkle, Therkla, Therkla's Dad, Therkla's Mom

Qarr: I can't believe you had him right here in your hut, and you grabbed the puppet instead of the bard.
Chief Grukgruk: chief grukgruk sorry, but orc tribe priorities changed, prior agreement with imp less important now. naturally, will refund deposit.
Shaman Vurkle: banjo new orc god now. banjo reveal clown self to shaman vurkle, shaman vurkle not able deny banjo divinity.
Therkla: Yeah, but don't you guys have, like, your own orc gods or something?
Shaman Vurkle: tribe once worshipped great mighty bull, but it vanished long ago.
Chief Grukgruk: think it happen around time tribe discover crate washed up on shore of hamburger buns and individually-wrapped cheese slices. but not sure. since then, tribe worship land we live on. mountain, with two caves. sea, with three reefs. like shaman vurkle, banjo clothes show. ef grukgruk know sign when chief grukgruk see sign.
Shaman Vurkle: good to have new god. was getting hard to decide what is right and wrong for self.
Chief Grukgruk: better to have small hand puppet to tell us. easier. more time for orc-ball on sunday.
Qarr: Welll, hey, how about a small angry imp telling you what is right or wrong? Doing what we tell you to do and capturing the human is right! Not getting your green but out there and looking for them is wrong! Do I need to inscribe that on a stone tablet for you?
chief grukgruk: chief grukgruk not listen to imp. chief grukgruk eat imp in one bite!
Qarr: Unless your teeth are silver or Good-aligned, I don't think so, mush-for-brains.
Therkla: Hey, hey! Everyone, just calm down. We're all friends here. Or at least colleagues. There's no need for hurt feelings. Look, we captured Hinjo's assistant, there's no way they'll just let her die. They'll send a rescue party, probably led by Elan – uh, the human – because he's obviously their most powerful and competent warrior and has such nice hair. We just sit tight and grab them when they show up.
chief grukgruk: grukgruk listen to therkla. therkla make sense. therkla smartest, prettiest orc chief grukgruk ever know.
Therkla: Uh, yeah, thanks, I guess. But I'm actually half-orc.
Chief Grukgruk: chief grukgruk half orc too. other half, also orc.
Therkla: No, no, I mean i'm half-human.
Chief Grukgruk: ohhhh. that imply very ugly backstory.
Therkla's Dad: Come here, my snuggly green cutie-pie!
Therkla's Mom: *giggle!* me so in love!
Chief Grukgruk: chief grukgruk frankly not want to dwell on that very much.
Therkla: Try growing up with it.

0556
Nuthin' But Net
Elan, Durkon, Daigo, Orcs

Elan: I still say we can talk to the orcs. If they've begun worshipping Banjo, then they are obviously highly enlightened individuals who will listen to reason.
Durkon: Aye, well, we can try talkin' to 'em AFTER we rescue Lien.
(D): Aye, well, we can try talking to them AFTER we rescue Lien.
Elan: GAH!! Oh man! A net! Now WE'RE captured, too!
Daigo: No need to panic, it's just a hunting snare. It's intended to trap animals.
Elan: Oh, cruel ironic world, that we, people who were doing the rescuing, now need to be rescuinged ourselves!
Daigo: No, it's OK. I'm pretty sure we can just lift up the edges and crawl out.
Elan: Now that we have fallen into the clutches of our enemies, is there any hope for escape?
Daigo: Actually, Elan, we're escaping right now.
Elan: ANY HOPE AT ALL?!?!? If only there was a way to free ourselves, but alas, we are helpless!
Daigo: OK, seriously, Elan, stop screwing around.
Durkon: Blast it, lad, have ye gone completely daft, instead o' yer usual mostly daft?
(D): Blast it, lad, have you gone completely daft, instead of your usual mostly daft?
Elan: OK, OK, sure, we can get out of this net. But obviously, we're supposed to be captured here. You know, so the story continues the right way. Otherwise, there wouldn't be a net in our path in the first place. I just figured it would be easier to not fight if for once. If we're going to get taken prisoner anyway, I'd rather not get my butt kicked first.
Daigo: That's ridiculous. The whole point here is to AVOID being captured.
Elan: Right, which is why it's guarenteed that we WILL be captured? Were's the dramatic tension in us waltzing in and succeeding?
Durkon: Och, by Thor's ankle... if'n yer gonna stay thar, we'll come back fer ye after we get tha lass.
(D): Oh, by Thor's ankle... if your going to stay there, we'll come back for you after we get the lass.
Elan: No, seriously, guys! Save yourself a world of hurt, get back under-
Orcs: intruders! get them! for banjo!
Durkon: Holy wor- OW!!!!
Daigo: Ahh!
Elan: Fight, fight, fight, fight the urge to say, “I told you so!”

0557
The Puppet Mistress
Daigo, Lien, Elan, Therkla, Qarr, Shaman Vurkle, Chief Grukgruk

Daigo: Lien! Thank the Twelve Gods you're still alive. How are you doing?
Lien: Questioning the life choices that brought me to this point. You?
Daigo: The same, really.
Elan: Wow! Banjo, you have your very own alter! I'm so proud!
Therkla: <whispers> *Squeal!* There he is! How does he look so good tied up?
Qarr: Perfect! A quick quartest of disembowelings, and we'll be ready to take our leave of this fly-infested dump.
Therkla: Wait- they're going to kill them all?!?
Qarr: Well, duh. That was the point of this mission.
Therkla: No! It wasn't!! We were going to capture Elan and hold on to him until we could assassinate Hinjo. That way he'd stay safe. I mean WE would stay safe. From him.
Qarr: Yeah, well, I figured it would be easier to cut to the chase- -“chase” in this case meaning “spinal cord”- -so I told Grukgruk to sacrifice all four to that stupid puppet.
Therkla: Ugh! You horrid little piece of devil crap!
Qarr: Geez, what is your problem, mortal? No wonder you people need us to tell you how to be Evil, you'd just screw it up on your own.
Elan: Aww, man, Hinjo's gonna be peeved that I got Lien sacreficed to my god. He'll probably give that stern paladin look to my eviscerated remains.
Therkla: STOP!
Shaman Vurkle: *gasp!*
Elan: Yes! I knew it!
Therkla: Yes, it is I, Banjo the Clown, god of puppets! I have seen you orcs worshipping me, and have chosen this moment to make my will known. Do not harm the fair human! He is my prophet, and shall not have one silky luxurious hair put out of place! Defy me, and prepare to feel my googly-eyed wrath!
Chief Grukgruk: as banjo wish, banjo. chief grukgruk release human.
Shaman Vurkle: *sigh* shaman vurkle never get to sacrifice anything nice.
Elan: Thank you, o mighty Banjo, for sparing my life. It fills me with joy to hear your words... even though it turns out that your voice is a lot deeper than I imagined it.
Shaman Vurkle: what about other humans and the dwarf? they prophet too?
Therkla: Huh? Oh, no, I don't really care about them. Kill them, or whatever, I guess. Whatever makes you guys happy.
Shaman Vurkle: hooray! sacrifice back on agenda!
Lien: Elan! If you're the prophet, SAY something!!
Elan: Truly, Banjo giventh with one hand, and taketh away with the other.
Lien: ELAN!!!
Elan: I think the hand with the banjo is the taketh-ing one. Otherwise, he's pretty much only be able to giveth banjoes.

0558
Sort of Like a Reverse Psion
Lien, Elan, Therkla, Daigo, Chief Grukgruk

Lien: No, Elan, say something to get us out of here!!
Elan: Oh! I just thought you wanted me to say something prophety. O righteous Banjo, mater of puppetry, please don't kill all my friends.
Therkla: Why not? Wouldn't it be nicer to stay on this island and live as a spiritual leader of these orcs? Just you, me, and any nice sexy double-jointed half-orc ninja girl you may happen to meet while here?
Elan: Oh, Banjo, I know that seems like a good idea, but it just wouldn't work. I understand exactly what you're going through. I first became an adventurer because it seemed fun and exciting. And hey, if I acted silly and slacked off, it didn't matter too much- -'cause what, like I was gonna have any effect on a battle anyway? I was a bard, no one really expected me to contribute. But since I became a Dashing Swordsman too, I've gained at some small ability to influence the course of some events around me. On a good day. And so I've come to realize that I have a duty to use my limited competence to have a partial effect on the world, from time to time.
Daigo: <whispers> Wait- does he KNOW that there's someone crouching behind the alter, or not?
Lien: <whispers> How should I know? An epic-level ranger couldn't track his thought process. I'm just happy the knife stopped coming closer.
Elan: It's sort of the same way with you, Banjo. You've never had any power because you only had me worshipping you. Now that you have a whole orc tribe, you can sort of almost accomplish something useful. Mostly. And like me, you have an obligation to use that capacity when you feel like doing so. Remember: With moderate power comes moderator responsibility. Please, Banjo. Do what you know in your puppet heart to be right and let my friends go.
Chief Grukgruk: what say you, banjo? do prophety words sway you?
Therkla: Hmm? Oh, sorry, I wasn't actually listening, I was just watching his full sensual lips move.
Chief Grukgruk: eh. banjo not miss much. long monologue with spider-man reference. comic way too wordy for chief grukgruk sometimes.
Therkla: Even so, I could never make my prophet Elan unhappy, even though I bet he's adorable when he pouts. Release the prisoners at once!
Daigo: Is it just me, or is he actually more useful the LESS he understands what is going on?
Durkon: Och, aye. He has “Ignorance” as a class power source.
Elan: Thank you, Banjo! I know you would help!
Therkla: Yes, yes. So tell me, Elan, have you ever thought about how you might become closer to your god? Like, a LOT closer?

0559
An Introduction to Comparative Theology
Therkla, Elan, Qarr, Chief Grukgruk, Daigo, Durkon, Crong, Shaman Vurkle

Therkla: -which is why pants should be forsaken whenever possible.
Elan: I've always felt the same way! Wow!
Qarr: Oh, no. No way. This is NOT ending with a big fuzzy group hug. None of you humans are leaving this island alive!
Daigo: What is that voice?
Elan: I dunno, but with a red-and-black speech ballon, it's probably something REALLY scary!
Qarr: I didn't want to keep resorting to the same old spell, but... Charm Monster! Chief Grukgruk, order your orcs to kill all of the humans. And the dwarf.
Chief Grukgruk: kill humans and dwarf.
Therkla: No! Banjo commands you to stop!
Chief Grukgruk: kill humans and dwarf.
Crong: yes, chief grukgruk.
Therkla: Darn it, he's not listening anymore! Why did you do that??
Qarr: I could ask you the same question. However, since it will be made moot by their impending deaths, I'll return to our ship to plan our regicide- -and decide how to tell Kubota about your actions here. Have a nice swim back.
Therkla: Elan! This way!
Elan: Hey, I remember you! You're the girl who vanished mysteriously with a loud “sploosh” noise and a spray of water.
Therkla: Follow me, I know the fastest way to the shore.
Elan: OK!
Daigo: Elan looks like he has an escape route.
Durkon: Tha won't be necessary, lad. This time, tha orcs're only attackin' 'cause thar leader's been charmed... A situation tha power o' Thor c'n remedy! Greater Dispel Magic!
(D): That won't be necessary, lad. This time, the orcs are only attacking because their leader's been charmed... A situation the power of Thor can remedy! Greater Dispel Magic!
Chief Grukgruk: wait, why us attack?
Crong: crong not privvy to rationale behind command decisions.
Chief Grukgruk: forget humans then. us stay and worship banjo in peace and harmony.
Shaman Vurkle: has anyone seen puppet god?
Chief Grukgruk: chief grukgruk though shaman vurkle had puppet god.
Shaman Vurkle: shaman vurkle thought chief grukgruk had puppet god.
Chief Grukgruk: ...
Elan: Ah ha! See? My god's power to get us into trouble is stronger than your god's power to get us out of it!
Durkon: Aye? How aboot we compare Banjo's ability ta dodge wit Thor's ability to smack ye upside yer fool head?
(D): Aye? How about we compare Banjo's ability to dodge with Thor's ability to smack you upside your fool head?

Lokasenna

2008-10-07, 04:58 AM

Sorry! I meant 501 - 550.

XenoTherapy

2008-10-08, 08:04 PM

@^: Go for it.

Lokasenna

2008-10-08, 08:42 PM

Awesome. 285-290 Done

0286
A Minor Glitch
Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Belkar: Hey V, before they bring me back to jail, I just wanted-
Vaarsuvius: There is no need.
Belkar: Huh?
Vaarsuvius: I know that neither of us excels at social situations, so suffice to say that I accept your thanks for saving you from Miko.
Belkar: My… thanks?? Are you kidding me?? You ruined everything!! All that work to push her over the edge, and you interrupt it right before she finally snaps! I guess I can always start over, but so much work wasted!
Vaarsuvius: Well, I’m terribly sorry, but I thought she was going to kill you!
Belkar: No one pays you to think, Ears.
Vaarsuvius: … They actually paid me to do nothing BUT think, you moron!
Belkar: Look, last time I checked the cleric spell list, Raise Dead was a 5th-level spell. Durkon can cast it like 3-4 times a day. And he’d do it, too, because he’s a sucker. I mean, he just healed me up for free. But losing your paladinhood through your own willful actions? Do you have any idea how hard that is to reverse? Goodbye, Miko the Paladin- hello, Miko the Fighter-Without-Bonus-Feats. It would have been HILARIOUS.
Vaarsuvius: I see. And how would your cunning master plan have accounted for the fact that Durkon would have required 5000 gp worth of diamonds as a material component to power the Raise Dead spell? Diamonds, I hasten to add, that he does not, in fact, possess?
Belkar: Well, uh… Obviously, I would have… SHUT UP!
Vaarsuvius: I think I many owe the tables of the world an apology…

0287
Paladins Make Good Tour Guides
Belkar, Celia, Roy, Mr. Rodriguez, Mr. Jones, Hinjo, Vaarsuvius, Elan

Belkar: Hey, Sweetwings, so what time are you coming down to discuss my defense strategy?
Celia: Hmmm, I’m not sure, I’ll surprise you. The surprise being, of course, that I’m not going to be defending him.
Roy: Heh. So, does that mean you’re heading back to school right away?
Celia: I’m in no rush. Class doesn’t resume until next week.
Mr. Rodriguez: I’m sorry you lost the case, Mr. Jones.
Mr. Jones: Actually, I’m fairly certain the transcript will show that Phil Rodriguez was the lawyer of record for this trial.
Mr. Rodriguez: Aww, man! That means my record will fall to 0-147.
Mr. Jones: Naturally, I remain perfect at 5-0.
Hinjo: See? I knew everything would work out OK.
Vaarsuvius: “OK”? I do not see how being made to stand trial for a capital crime ever constitutes “OK”.
Hinjo: Yeah, but the point is that the legal system worked. You were acquitted of all charges.
Roy: Wow, Hinjo, you should work for the tourism board. “Come to sunny Azure City: You’ll be found innocent-eventually!”
Hinjo: Hey, don’t blame the whole city for what the Sapphire Guard did to you. Most people who live here don’t even know we exist. (Which, incidentally, makes it awfully difficult to redeem these “Sapphire Guard discount coupons” my uncle keeps giving us.) Look, I know a great inn, away from the castle. Let me pay for your room tonight, and tomorrow I’ll show you around the city.
Roy: Hmmm, I don’t know…
Elan: Please, Roy? Can we please? Can we? Please? Please? Pleeeeeeeease?
Roy: OK, you can go with Hinjo.
Elan: Wooo!! We’re going to see the city!! We’re going to see the city!! I wanna see the sailboats! Can I see the sailboats? Ooo, and I wanna see the gardens, and the stores, and the big fountain things. And do you guys have a threater? I really wanna see a theatre too. And the candy stores. Can I have a lollipop?
Roy: I consider this my token revenge for our incarceration.

0288
First Word...
Shojo, Roy, Vaarsuvius

Shojo: Uh, Mr. Greenhilt? I’d like to-
Roy: What the- Haley, get out of my way.
Vaarsuvius: Expeditious Retreat!
Roy: Haley, seriously, don’t make me Bull Rush you here. I’m not in the mood and I can’t really remember the rules. What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s trapped in a well? Sigh. OK. So, you’re pointing… at the moron with the cat. And now you’re pointing at your hair. Shojo’s hair? No, your head. Shojo’s head? Shojo’s liver spots? Shojo’s brain? Brain? Shojo’s brain! OK, next word is… fat? Shojo is a fathead? No. Uh… round? Big? Big, OK. Hey, this is kinda fun. OK, so “Shojo brain big,” what’s next? Eyes? No. Two? Sight? Gaze? Gaze attack! Shojo has a gaze attack that causes encephalitis! What? It was a reasonable guess. OK, fine, uh, eyes? Eyeballs, glance, look- Look? That’s it, “look”? “Shojo big brain look.” Hmm, Shojo big brain look, Shojo big brain look, Shojo big brain- “Shojo is smarter than he looks”?
Shojo: I’m glad you figured that out before I advanced another age category, Mr. Greenhilt.

0289
Senility Now!
Shojo, Roy, Ninja

Shojo: Your second-in command, despite apparently not speaking Common, is as astute as she is lovely. I’m afraid I have been pulling the proverbial wool over your eyes. Why don’t we speak on the balcony? I find my legs get so tired these days from sitting on that throne for hours. Also, we can finally turn the spotlights off.
Roy: When did he become sane?
Shojo: I apologize for the “Mr. Scruffy” deception. You see, while you have only seen clerics and paladins, I can assure you Azure City has a very active noble class. Any number of whom might feel they could profit from my demise. A few years ago, I narrowly escaped an assassination attempt- one that resulted from an unpopular edict I had issued.
Ninja: THIS is what we think of Meat Loaf Day!
Shojo: Ever since that day, I have found it easier to let them believe that I am senile and easily swayed. When I rule in their favor, they assume that they controlled me. When I rule against them, they assume one of their rival nobles controlled me. I can make the decisions I feel are necessary without worrying about being killed over them.
Roy: And no one knows?
Shojo: No one.
Roy: Why are you telling me this, then?
Shojo: Because I have some things to say to you, and some things to ask you, and I want you to take me seriously.
Roy: Well gosh, letting me know that you’re apparently a very skillful liar is definitely a step in the right direction. Doesn’t seem exactly paladinish of you, either.
Shojo: Mr. Greenhilt, I am the commander of the paladins of the Sapphire Guard by virtue of my inheritance, not merit. In other words, I command the paladins. I have never claimed to be one.
Roy: Wait, you’re not a paladin??
Shojo: Technically, I’m a 14th level aristocrat. Heck, I’m not even Lawful!
Roy: So you’re telling me… this whole time… this whole trial, I’ve been fooled… I’ve been fooled by someone… by someone with… with…
Shojo: By someone with an NPC class, I’m afraid so.
Roy: I feel dirty inside.

0290
Shojo's Big Secret
Roy, Shojo, Female Paladin, O-chul, Miko, Eugene

Roy: So even the paladins don’t know about your ruse?
Shojo: No. It allows me to occasionally engage in behavior they might not tolerate in their liege. It worked well, actually, right until Dorukan’s Gate was destroyed. I knew nothing of this lich of yours, but when my diviners told me of the explosion, I feared for the integrity of the Snarl’s prison. With two of the gates gone. I felt-
Roy: Hold on, “two”? What happened to the other?
Shojo: Lirian’s gate was destroyed in a fire many years ago, and she vanished. I sent paladins, but they found nothing conclusive.
Female paladin: So… got ranks in Search?
O-chul: No. You?
Female paladin: No.
O-chul: Darn.
Shojo: Anyway, with two gates lost, I felt that the safety of the remaining gates was in jeopardy. But that left me with a conundrum: The only servants in my employ that I could trust with the locations of the gates of Girard and Kraagor were my paladins. But each and every paladin had sworn an oath to never interfere with those same gates! I, too, swore the oath when I assumed command of the Sapphire Guard, but I feel it is foolish to risk universal destruction for a promise to people I’ve never met. The paladins feel differently. Without concrete evidence of a threat to all of the gates, they wouldn’t consider checking on the other two. What I needed was someone who could go out, look in on the other gates, and report back to me. I couldn’t send anyone in the Sapphire Guard - or even let them know I was doing it.
Roy: I fail to see what this has to do with me. Or rather, I am beginning to see, but I’m hoping I’m totally wrong.
Shojo: You might want to begin to prepare yourself for disappointment.
Roy: Crap.
Shojo: When I learned about your party of adventurers, I saw an opportunity. Your group already knew about the gates - or so I assumed at the time – and was not hampered by Soon’s oath. You were exactly what I needed. I sent my most powerful paladin to the North to collect you. I couldn’t tell her why I had to speak to you, though, so I invoked criminal charges. I knew you were innocent of any true wrongdoing, even if you were technically guilty of “weakening the fabric of the universe.” But the charges would get you down here so we could talk. I believed that I could give you a trial that would appear legitimate to the paladins, even if I had to manipulate the outcome.
Roy: Wait. Wait right there. You knew-KNEW-that the whole thing was an accident, and you sent that bitch to drag us back here in chains?
Shojo: Yes, but I believed it was for the greater good. Miko has a tendency to be a bit… overzealous in bringing criminals to justice.
Miko: My blades will be bathed in the blood of those responsible.
Shojo: Uh, actually, Mr. Scruffy says that you should try hard to bring them back alive for trial.
Miko: Sigh. As your cat wishes, Master, if it is possible.
Roy: So everything we’re been through-been captured, abused, imprisoned, tried-was all so you could offer me a JOB without your paladin buddies knowing?
Shojo: I suppose, yes.
Roy: So, what placing a classified ad didn’t have the right undertone of personal violation for you? I’m sure this whole Snarl thing completely justifies what you did to us, at least in your mind, but I can’t see any reason why I would EVER want to work for you. Assuming I had any reason to think this wasn’t just another lie. There’s no reason to believe a thing you say. As someone once said to me, “I just don’t trust you enough to believe you lied.” For example: you just told me that you didn’t learn any information from Lirian’s Gate… but you now claim to have known about us before you unleashed Miko. So which one is the lie?
Shojo: A very good question. The gods smiled on me the day your bard blew up Dorukan’s Gate. They sent me a being from the Upper Planes, who told me everything I needed to know about you and your party. He has continued to advise me ever since.
Eugene: What? You were maybe expecting Patrick Swayze?

Lokasenna

2008-10-09, 08:50 PM

291 - 295 Done.

0291
Not to Mention Little League
Eugene, Roy, Haley

Eugene: …of course, I’m pretty good at that “dirty dancing,” so I see how you could be confused…
Roy: DAD?!?
Haley: F dxaqgxd oaq cbfr oaqi rbr pbc rlbr?
(H): I thought you said your dad was dead?
Roy: You were the “Being of Pure Law and Good” all along? How…?
Eugene: Good gods, boy, has being a fighter dulled your wits so much that you’ve forgotten my specialty? Illusions! I’ve have you know that I was named Best Illusionist of the Year three times by the Wizze Awards by the time I was your age.
Roy: Gee, dad, I had no idea. It’s not like the trophies were enshrined in our front hallway or anything.
Eugene: You should have seen your face when you heard the big red angel voice! Ahem: No mercy! Kill! KILL! Priceless!
Roy: It’s reassuring to know that you haven’t decided to spontaneously start taking my feelings into account during your absence.
Eugene: Oh, relax. I was just having some fun with you. Look, I didn’t WANT to drag this Shojo guy into our family business. I had better things to do. (Like Violet, for example. Heh.)
Roy: Ugh, Dad!
Eugene: But you didn’t give me much choice! Maybe if you took the time to fix what you’d broken, I wouldn’t have need to.
Roy: Huh??
Eugene: The sword, Roy, the sword. You know, our family heirloom? What, you think I can just pop in and talk to anyone? What kind of afterlife do you think they’re running here?
Roy: Dad, just slow down and explain exactly what you’re saying.
Eugene: Sigh. I weep for your dying grey matter. OK, here it goes: The Greenhilt sword, the symbol of our family-the sword you’re carrying around right now-is the metaphysical link that allows me to appear to you in spectral form. Once it was broken, I couldn’t manifest freely anymore, and was bound by all the normal rules for dead spirits.
Roy: So that’s why you haven’t shown up for all these months?
Eugene: Yes! Of course!
Roy: I see… And this isn’t like that time you missed my 7th grade school play?
Eugene: I told you. I was on the Astral Plane on business! Let it drop!

0292
Non-startling Revelations
Roy, Eugene, Flumph, Tony, Shojo

Roy: That still doesn’t explain how you got mixed up with Shojo.
Eugene: Don’t get your codpiece in a knot, I’m not done yet. I tried to appear to you after you blew up the castle, but with the sword broken, I was out of luck. You couldn’t see or hear me.
Flumph: Why isn’t anyone calling a cleric?
Eugene: I did, however, spot a scrying sensor that was examining the wreckage, and was able to trace it back to the diviners of Azure City.
Eugene: Detect Scrying!
Eugene: Moments later, I sensed Shojo’s clerics attempting to summon a celestial to dispense advice, so I high tailed it back to the Upper Planes and… intervened.
Eugene: Nothing personal, Tony!
Tony: Mmmph!
Eugene: Shojo and I consulted, and we hatched a plan to get you down here to the South so we both could talk to you-without tipping off those pesky paladins.
Shojo: Deal?
Eugene: I can’t shake hands, I’m incorporeal.
Eugene: I’ve been stuck here ever since, unfortunately. I can’t leave the circle… and if I return to the Upper Planes, I’m pretty sure they won’t let me respond to any more summoning spells for a while.
Roy: Wow… so you went through all that trouble just so you could talk to me and congratulate me on defeating Xykon and fulfilling your oath? You really do care…
Eugene: Congratulate? I’m not here to congratulate you, you numbskull! You screwed up! Not that I should have expected differently from a fighter.
Roy: Excuse me??
Eugene: Xykon is alive!!
Roy: What??
Eugene: Well, I don’t mean actually alive. Technically, he’s still dead, just not, you know, DEAD-dead. He’s undead, right, so he’s up and moving around, even though he’s still life signs: negative. But it’s not like he just spontaneously came back to life. I mean, he DID come back spontaneously, but back to, uh, undeath, I suppose.
Roy: Just curious, do you get XP for killing this dramatic moment?

0293
This is Getting to Be a Habit...
Roy, Eugene

Roy: Xykon is alive??
Eugene: Well, technically-
Roy: Don’t. How is that possible?
Eugene: He’s got a thingmajabber that holds his soul in place when his body gets destroyed. After a while, it grows him a new one to inhabit. I saw his lackeys escape, so the smart money says he’s back by now. The deal I made with Shojo was if he gets you down here, I would get you to work for him. This gate thing of his is the perfect way to find the miserable cretin and destroy him. Only, you know, for REAL this time.
Roy: Yeah? Well, I think there might be a flaw in your plan, Dad, because… Well, because screw you.
Eugene: What??
Roy: I would love to say that I couldn’t believe that my own father would mess with my life like this, to the point of getting me imprisoned and nearly killed-but I know better. You’re exactly selfish enough to do this to your own son, just to quench your own thirst for vengeance. You can’t even pretend you did all of this for the greater good, because you didn’t even know about the gates until Shojo told you.
Eugene: Now wait just a-
Roy: ZIP IT! Everything about this has disaster written all over it. Shojo can’t be trusted. You certainly can’t be trusted. This whole “job offer” stinks worse than an otyugh covered in sauerkraut on a hot day. And yet, I’m going to accept it anyway. As much as I loathe how you’ve manipulated my friends and me, Xykon is an actual threat. I’m not going to sit and let him get away with whatever he’s got planned just because my father happens to be a self-absorbed arrogant jerk. There are too many lives at stake. I just want you, personally, to know: If it weren’t for the threat to the entire world, I would tell you to shove your “blood oath” against Xykon up your wrinkled incorporeal ass.

0294
Contracts, Shmontracts
Roy, Elan, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Belkar

Roy: …and when we were done negotiating terms with Shojo, we came to find you guys. Now here’s the thing: According to these contracts that you all signed when I first hired you, you’re all bound to assist me until Xykon is defeated “once and for all.”
Elan: <whispers> Pssst! Who’s the guy in blue? A paladin?
Durkon: <whispers> I dinnae know.
(D): <whispers> I don’t know.
Roy: So I don’t actual need to ask for your help you’re contractually obligated to follow me from now on.
Elan: OK, so, when do we leave to-
Roy: Forget the contracts. They’re null and void as a Second Edition sourcebook, as of right now.
Durkon: Hmm?
Elan: I don’t get it.
Roy: The last thing I want is to be like Shojo, twisting legal authority into coercion. If I use these contracts to force you to join me, I’m no better than he is. And if I keep tricking some of you into joining me, I’m no better than my father. I’m going after Xykon, and I’m going to milk Shojo for every last resource I can to do it. You’re all free to join me or not, as you wish.
Durkon: Count me in, lad.
(D): Count me in, Roy.
Elan: I wanna go too!
Vaarsuvius: Yes, I believe I will accompany you as well.
Roy: Great! One more thing though… We’re going to have an addition to the party, beyond the five of us… See, when I was discussing terms with Shojo, it became clear to me that I was holding all of the cards… And as luck would have it, one of those cards read, “Get Out of Jail Free”.
Elan and Durkon: Belkar!?
Belkar: Call me “paladin” again and I’ll punch you in the face Blondie. Actually, I may punch you in the face anyway, just for the novelty of being able to reach…

0295
Belkar Leashed
Durkon, Roy, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Elan, Illusory Belkar, Joemin the Guard, Other Guard

Durkon: Ye got Belkar released? Have ye gone daft??
(D): You got Belkar released? Have you gone insane??
Belkar: Hey, and a happy “Good Morning” to you, too, loser.
Roy: Not released, per se… More like, “out on bail”. He’ll still be tried for killing that guard, but I was able to convince Shojo that it was in his best interest to schedule that trial for a later date. Like, for example, the week AFTER we finish Xykon. Until then, he’s been remanded to my custody, and his split of the treasure will go towards paying for the guard to be raised.
Durkon: Aren’t ye afraid he’ll try to escape at some point? Like, in tha next 10 minutes?
(D): Aren’t you afraid he’ll try to escape at some point? Like, in the next 10 minutes?
Roy: I have a little mystical help there, actually. Vaarsuvius, do me a favor. Come over here and scan Belkar for magic.
Vaarsuvius: Detect Magic!
Roy: See the blue rune on his forehead? It’s called the “Mark of Justice”, and it’ll be there until his trial.
Belkar: They couldn’t have put it on my arm or something, no. That would be too easy.
Roy: The mark is powerful curse that stays dormant-unless Belkar violates the terms of his release.
Vaarsuvius: And what constitutes those terms, precisely?
Roy: One, he can’t deal lethal damage to any living creature within the bounds of any city, town, or village. Two, he can’t ever be more than one mile from my position. And three, he can’t piss me off too bad, because I have a command word that can activate it. If the curse is activated, he’ll get sicker and sicker until he’ll be incapable of hurting anyone. It’s the perfect deterrent.
Belkar: I just want it to go on the record that I can still know someone’s teeth out with nonlethal damage, so no one get ideas or anything.
Vaarsuvius: Perish the thought.
Elan: Wow, Roy, Miko is sure going to flip when she hears that Belkar’s been released.
Roy: Actually, uh, we’re going to keep this little arrangement here to ourselves. In order to keep his paladins from going nuts, Shojo isn’t telling anyone about this deal. Belkar has to keep the cloak and stilts on as a disguse while in Azure City.
Elan: Isn’t someone going to notice that Belkar’s missing from his cell?
Roy: Shojo talked my dear father into providing a permanent illusion to cover things up… He’s said to be indistinguishable from the real Belkar.
Illusory Belkar: Generic comment questioning your parentage.
Joemin the Guard: Oh, that is IT! I have had it with this guy’s trash talk!
Other Guard: Calm down, Joemin, he’s just trying to get you riled up.
Illusory Belkar: Mumbled statement disparaging your masculinity.

Andraste

2008-10-09, 09:39 PM

Are there any left that I could do?

Lokasenna

2008-10-10, 08:50 PM

295-300 Done

0296
Boons
Elan, Durkon, Roy, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Belkar

Elan: OK, gotta go! Hinjo is waiting for me outside!
Durkon: Aye, I need to buy me some scrolls meself.
(D): Yeah, I need to but some scrolls myself.
Roy: Wait, guys. Before you all run off to explore the city, I’ve got good news for you. Belkar isn’t the only one I helped. In fact, I demanded one favor from Shojo for each of us. Shojo’s best clerics are going to examine Haley and try to figure out how to get her voice back.
Haley: Fgxwhlg gdga Y’j lyxh sz otwwlpwoyak ouglg ouyakl.
(H): Because even I’m sick of translating these things.
Roy: Vaarsuvius, I got you access to the library of Shojo’s personal wizard. You can copy as many spells as you like for free.
Vaarsuvius: Outstanding. Like an ideal gas, my arcane power shall expand to fill the vessel in which it is contained.
Roy: Durkon, I got Shojo to agree to send a messenger north to the dwarven homelands-specifically to the High Priest of Thor. He’ll carry a letter you write and will wait for a response. With luck, by the time we defeat Xykon, you’ll have permission to return home.
Durkon: …Bless ye, lad.
(D): …Thank you, Roy.
Roy: Elan, I didn’t really know what to request for you, so I got you this.
Elan: Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! It’s- A gift certificate?
Roy: Good for one favor from Lord Shojo.
Belkar: Wow, I guess it’s the lack of thought that counts.
Elan: Thanks, Roy! What favor did you get for yourself?
Roy: I decided to share mine, actually. She’s a very special lady, in need of some tender loving care. I like to think of her as the seventh member of the team, really. She worked so hard helping me out, and she’s long overdue for her reward. In fact, I’m going now to give it to her. Later!
Elan: Awwww, that’s sweet. He must be talking about Celia.
Roy: Don’t worry, baby, we’re going to have you fixed up in no time.

0297
Sword Speak
Roy, Azurite Blacksmith

Roy: You’re saying there is no starmetal in my sword.
Azurite Blacksmith: Correct.
Roy: None.
Azurite Blacksmith: Correct.
Roy: Not even a little?
Azurite Blacksmith: Your sword was fashioned entirely of everyday terrestrial steel, sir.
Roy: Why would that dwarf lie to me?
Azurite Blacksmith: I am a forger of swords, sir, not a speculator on dwarven motives for falsehood.
Roy: Well… I guess THIS won’t be of much sue to me.
Azurite Blacksmith: By Monkey’s tail! I have never seen such a bounty of starmetal! It would be an honor to reforge your blade as a starmetal sword, sir.
Roy: But… there’s not enough metal here for that!
Azurite Blacksmith: Sir, a blade that size made of pure starmetal would weigh 300 pounds and require the use of all of the starmetal that has ever fallen from the sky, ever. Most of ti does tend to burn up in the atmosphere, you know. An alloy of starmetal with your sword’s original steel would make a potent weapon, however.
Roy: How potent?
Azurite Blacksmith: I estimate a 25% increase in attack accuracy, with a corresponding enchantment to damage.
Roy: It’s OK, you can just say “+5 sword” here. We do stuff like that all the time.
Azurite Blacksmith: Oh. Then yes, a +5 sword. After the forging is complete, though, you may notice one…side effect.
Roy: Fantastic. Because, you know, nothing can ever be just randomly positive.
Azurite Blacksmith: It is likely your sword will sometimes glow with a deadly green energy that is particular harmful to the undead. In order to counteract this, I recommend-
Roy: No, no, I think I’ll manage to somehow struggle through.

0298
The Future is Forged in the Fires of Today
Durkon, Azurite Doctor, Haley, Celia, Vaarsuvius, Miko, Belkar, Azurite, Elan, Thog, Nale, Azurite Blacksmith, Roy

Durkon: “Dear High Priest.” Och, nay, tha won’t work right… “O Mighty High Priest of Thor.” Nay, nay…
(D): “Dear High Priest.” Oh, no, that won’t work right… “O Mighty High Priest of Thor.” No, no…
Azurite Doctor: OK, stick out your tongue and say “Ahhhh!”
Haley: Xcccc!
(H): Ahhhh!
Celia: How about this one? Do you think this will get his attention?
Vaarsuvius: I would venture a guess that he might be tired of the color blue by this point.
Celia: It’s the only color they sell here.
Miko: To you, the Twelve Gods, I pray: Grant me the strength and wisdom to seek out and stop those who would obstruct the holy mission of the Sapphire Guard. Allow me to see through their lies to the truth.
Belkar: Hello, fellow Medium-sized creature! How are you enjoying being Medium-sized , like me, on this lovely day?
Azurite: Just fine, thanks for asking!
Elan: Wow! I’m so glad everything worked out perfectly in the end, with no loose plot points to worry about!
Thog: soon?
Nale: Oh yes. Very soon.
Azurite Blacksmith: There you are, sir. You should see that energy property I mentioned from time to time when you wield it.
Roy: Amazing… Just as the sword has been reforged, so too shall I reforge my oath… I swear on the sword of my ancestors that I will destroy Xykon, once and for all! GAH!!!
Azurite Blacksmith: It, uh… It might also still be a little hot.
Roy: Ow.

Question Time!
Please compare this guy (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0298.html) to this guy. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0403.html)

Now, is the guy from 298
a)O-chul's twin brother?
b)O-chul who would manage to become scared scarred by 403
c)The Giant's just reusing character designs
d)something else?

Also compare 298 guy (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0298.html) to 290 guy (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0290.html), since I called the 290 guy O-chul.

XenoTherapy

2008-10-10, 09:26 PM

O-Chul? Scared? Blasphemy! :tongue:

(C)

Lokasenna

2008-10-12, 02:06 PM

501-505 Done

0501
No Cure for the Wedding Bells Blues
Durkon, Kazumi, Daigo, Thor, Loki, Hinjo, Wedding Guests, Elan, Lien

Durkon: Ye may now kiss tha bride.
(D): You may now kiss the bride.
Kazumi: Thanks again, Durkon.
Durkon: Aye, well, I still dinnae why you didn’t just have Hinjo marry ye two. ‘e’s at least a follower o’ tha Southern Gods.
(D): Sure, well, I still don’t why you didn’t just have Hinjo marry you two. He’s at least a follower of the Southern Gods.
Daigo: Yeah, but he’s also a paladin… <whispers>…So we thought he might be disappointed by the whole, ”already eight weeks pregnant ,” thing.
Durkon: Och, aye, I suppose so. Luckily, Thor understands these things…
(D): Oh, yeah, I suppose so. Luckily, Thor understands these things…
Thor: It’s not my fault! She never told me she was a fertility goddess!
Loki: She has flowers in her hair and bluebirds singing around her head. Who do you think she was, the bringer of pestilence?
Hinjo: Friends, if you all might gather around. I have a few words to say. Joyous occasions have been all too rare for some time now. It has been almost four months since our fleet first set sail from Azure City. It has been a very trying time, as I’m sure I don’t need to tell anyone here. We have sailed to four ports since then, each belonging to a Southern nation that we thought of as our ally. We have asked each government to join in our fight to take back our homeland-and four times, we have been refused. Some nations were willing to take in refugees, others provided us with critical supplies, but none have been willing to stand against the lich, for fear of being his next target. Throughout this difficult time, however, two of our common citizens have responded with grace and courage to the burdens that have been thrust upon us all. While they may have begun their public service as mere infantry, Kazumi and Daigo have served me loyally in this time of exile, above and beyond their original station. In particular, their work recruiting new soldiers from refugees evacuated from Azure City is of critical importance… despite many setbacks. If we are to ever rebuild our nation, we need the leadership of good people like them. It is therefore my deep honor not only to bless their marriage, but to also recommend that their new family be granted a title of nobility.
Kazumi: What??
Daigo: Us? You’re kidding?!?
Hinjo: Congratulations to both of you. Try to do a better job than our current crop of nobles.
Daigo: Thank you, Lord Hinjo.
Hinjo: Now you two better get working on a heir, I suppose.
Kazumi: Um… we promise to not disappoint, sir.
Hinjo: Well, then to the success of House D-
Daigo: Actually, I think we’ll use Kazumi’s surname, sir. We’re still saving mine, just in case.
Hinjo: To House Kato, then! May the Twelve Gods bless your union forever!
Wedding Guests: To House Kato!
Elan: *sniff* So beautiful!
Lien: Let me guess: He always cries at weddings, right?
Durkon: Och, nay, na at all. ‘E always cries at good plot exposition.
(D): Oh, no, not at all. He always cries at good plot exposition.
Elan: Did you see how smoothly we worked in into the narrative dialogue? *sob!*

0502
And I-I-I-I Will Always Love You
Elan, Hinjo

Elan: Hey Hinjo, I was hoping I could talk to you for a-
Hinjo: Elan, now isn’t really a good time. This is the first celebration these people have had since the fall of the city. I need to appear to be enjoying myself. It’s important for morale. Go, have a few drinks.
Elan: I can’t! I’m on duty!
Hinjo: Here we go again…
Elan: My best friend Roy dies while serving as your bodyguard, so I’m honor-bound to protect you until he returns. Or until you finally get killed. Although I could continue protecting your corpse, I suppose. I mean, the job’s called a bodyguard, not a personguard.
Hinjo: And this is why I rest easy every night.
Elan: I know. Sometimes I watch. Besides, how can I relax when Haley is still missing? We need to go back to Azure City for her!
Hinjo: If we were certain that she was there, I might consider it. But your own spellcasters haven’t been able to contact her magically, despite trying dozens of times. And scrying has failed to show anything that’s going on in Azure City. We don’t even know she’s still there. After this many weeks, she could be anywhere in the world. Assuming, of course, that she’s not-
Elan: She is NOT dead.
Hinjo: I hope you’re right. But I won’t sail back to Azure City on the slim hope that she’s still there. It’s too dangerous. When we’ve found allies and built our own forces back up, we can retake the city and maybe we’ll find some clue about what happened. You and your friends are free to leave at any port, but I can’t spare a ship on a suicide mission for one person.
Elan: I don’t think Durkon and Vaarsuvius would go with me if I left right now…
Hinjo: Well, if you can’t get your own people to agree, I don’t know what you expect from me, Elan.
Elan: But that’s not fair! We sailed away by accident! We need to go back and-
Hinjo: No, Elan. That’s my final decision. Bring me solid information, and we’ll talk. Until then, there is nothing I can do.
Elan: … Yes, Hinjo.
Hinjo: And for the last time, take off that ridiculous eyepatch!
Elan: Aww, how am I suppose to be a good bodyguard if I don’t look mysterious?? I knew I should have gotten a prison tattoo when I had the chance back in Cliffport!

0503
Surreptitious Admirer
Kubota, Hinjo, Elan, Qarr, Therkla

Kubota: Hinjo! This is a travesty!
Hinjo: That’s LORD Hinjo, Kubota.
Elan: Yeah!
Hinjo: Shush, Elan.
Kubota: You cannot promote two filthy infantry to the nobility!
Hinjo: I certainly can, provided the Twelve Gods agree.
Kubota: But there is a certain refined behavior that comes hand-in-hand with the aristocracy that two common soldiers will never grasp.
Elan: Oh yeah? And does this sending ninja assassin guys after Hinjo in the middle of a battle count as this “refined behavior”?
Kubota: This again? As I patiently explained to the magistrate, those assassins were obviously sent by one of my rivals, and only claimed to work for me as part of an intricate plan to frame me. Since they are now dead and can no longer be directly questioned, I suppose we will never know who was behind just a treasonous act. That WAS your only evidence of my involvement, wasn’t it?
Hinjo: Technically, yes.
Elan: But… that’s just a loopyhole! We KNOW you did it!
Kubota: I have better things to do with my time than stand here and be insulted by some foreigner. I am returning to my ship.
Elan: Ooooo, I hate that guy! Why can’t we throw him in jail?
Hinjo: Because we have yet to prove that he’s done anything wrong. The only magistrate who escaped the city says there’s not even enough evidence to warrant a trial. There will be a day when Kubota will be brought to justice, but not today. As long as he controls the most powerful house-and has the backing of so many other families-any accusation without enough evidence would surely lead to civil war.
Elan: But you’re, like, the king! Or something!
Hinjo: I wish it were that simple. But just because I’m ruler doesn’t give me the right to circumvent the written laws. Otherwise, I’m no better than my uncle.
Elan: What was so bad about your uncle?
Qarr: Can you hear me, Therkla?
Therkla: Yes, your telepathy is coming through loud and clear.
Qarr: Has Kubota left the vessel?
Therkla: Yes, all goes to plan. Hinjo has had several drinks, and is guarded only by the Northerner.
Qarr: Which one?
Therkla: The human with the golden hair. And sparking blue eyes… creamy skin…
Qarr: Uh, yes, well… I’ll order the attack.
Therkla: …lithe but well-muscled body… inviting lips…
Qarr: I’m not sure I’m comfortable with where this reconnaissance is headed…

0504
That's A Surprisingly Common Reaction
Durkon, Vaarsuvius

Durkon: Vaarsuvius? Are ye still down ‘ere? I haven’t seen ye in a few weeks… Come up an’ join tha party… Thor’s bicuspid! What’s all this?
(D): Vaarsuvius? Are you still down here? I haven’t seen you in a few weeks… Come up and join the party… Thor’s bicuspid! What’s all this?
Vaarsuvius: I am devising a new divination spell. I have almost completed it. As of yet, every existing divination or communication spell that wither you or I have cast has failed to locate Miss Starshine- so it stands to reason that a new spell of great potency might succeed, if only on account of it not being specifically blocked by the effect.
Durkon: Vaarsuvius, ye know tha we need ta be focusin’ our energy on findin’ Girard’s Gate, na Haley and Roy.
(D): Vaarsuvius, you know that we need to be focusing our energy on finding Girard’s Gate, not Haley and Roy.
Vaarsuvius: In fact, I know no such thing.
Durkon: Look, I’ve known Roy longer ‘n any o’ ye. An I know tha if he were here, he’d want us ta protect tha Gate an’ forget aboot rescuin’ ‘im.
(D): Look, I’ve known Roy longer than any of you. And I know that if he were here, he’d want us to protect the Gate and forget about rescuing him.
Vaarsuvius: If he were here, there would be no NEED to rescue him. He would already be here.
Durkon: Ye know wha I mean! If’n I had his corpse, I’d raise ‘im this instant, but wha good will it do ta throw our lives away after ‘is? Haley tried, an’ now she’s lost too.
(D): You know what I mean! If I had his corpse, I’d raise him this instant, but good will it do to throw our lives away after his? Haley tried, and now she’s lost too.
Vaarsuvius: Of course it is easy for you to forsake them. It is not your fault they became trapped behind enemy lines.
Durkon: V, no one blames ye fer runnin’ when ye ran out o’ spells then…
(D): V, no one blames you for running when you ran out of spells then…
Vaarsuvius: Of course not. Fleeing at that point was the only sound tactical decision. I am saying I am to blame for my magic not being powerful enough to avoid that situation in the first place. I could have saved the lives of countless soldiers with only a slightly greater application of arcane force, but I did not possess the capacity. I could not even protect myself from the death knight-I needed a thinly veiled deus ex machina to save my life! Do you remember when I was obsessed day in and out over gaining more knowledge? What happened? I wasted my time on… on juvenile pranks with a sociopathic halfling! I will not make the same mistake again. I will not allow Miss Starshine to continue to suffer because my spells continue to fail! For this purpose, I have researched this new spell: Vaarsuvius’ Enhanced Scrying! Show me Haley Starshine! NOOOOOOOO!!!

0505
...Or We Will All Stick Separately
Elan, Vaarsuvius, Durkon

Elan: Hey, did someone in here just drop to their knees and scream, ”Noooooo”? I got a feeling… Wow, V, you look terrible!
Vaarsuvius: I appreciate you sparing my vanity.
Elan: Have you slept?
Vaarsuvius: Given that I am still an elf, and elves do not sleep, I would venture that the answer to that question shall remain, “No.” However, I have not tranced in… some time.
Durkon: V was writin’ a new scryin’ spell ta find Haley all this time.
(D): V was writing a new scrying spell to find Haley all this time.
Elan: Really?? Did it work?
Vaarsuvius: It did not. Either there remains some magic more powerful than any I can capable of overcoming which is willfully blocking my efforts… Or Miss Starshine is not able to be found as a result of her being-
Elan: She is NOT dead.
Vaarsuvius: …Of course.
Durkon: Na ta sound callous, but don’t either o’ ye rememb’r tha our priority is ta save tha world, na two people?
(D): Not to sound callous, but don’t either of you remember that our priority is to save the world, not two people?
Vaarsuvius: Durkon, there are two people that we know that unequivocally can tell us where Girard’s Gate is located. Lord Shojo and Sire Greenhilt, since Shojo gave Sir Greenhilt directions when we first came into his employment. Hinjo and Lien do not possess the knowledge, as the ill-advised Soon’s Oath kept them from knowing any solid data on the other gates, including their precise location. Ergo, any attempt to locate and resuscitate Sir Greenhilt is also the most reliable means of finding Girard’s Gate, is it not?
Durkon: Aye, except ye been tryin’ ta find Roy an Haley fer 3 months, an yer na closer than when ye started! Time ta change plans!
(D): Yeah, except you’ve been trying to find Roy and Haley for 3 months, and you’re not closer than when you started! Time to change plans!
Vaarsuvius: My analysis indicates that finding Girard’s Gate directly is highly unlikely because-
Durkon: Yer analysis? Or yer guilt?
(D): Your analysis? Or your guilt?
Vaarsuvius: Unlike yourself, I do not allow my emotional state to interfere with my-
Elan: HEY!! Both of you, calm down! We’ll figure this out and save them both, but we can’t fight about it! This is, like, a billion times harder than anything we’ve ever had to do without Roy, and we’re only going to get through it by sticking together! Because we’re the Order of the Stick! Get it? By sticking together?
Roy: Och, lad, tha was horrible.
(D): Ah, Elan, that was horrible.
Vaarsuvius: But his point is valid nonetheless. I apologize.
Durkon: Aye, me too.
(D): Yeah, me too.
Elan: Great! So now that that’s settled, Hinjo asked me to tell you both that there’s a raiding party of sea trolls attacking the wedding reception. … I was suppose to mention that first, wasn’t I?

mlsq42

2008-10-13, 06:43 AM

So... Which comics aren't done yet?

XenoTherapy

2008-10-13, 11:04 AM

So... Which comics aren't done yet?

All of them have been claimed.

Lira

2008-10-13, 08:19 PM

560 to 564:
0560
Meanwhile, His Teammate Was in Rhodes
Therkla, Elan, Diago, Lien, Ninja, Cyclops, Durkon

Therkla: This way, everyone! There's a shortcut through here to the water, so you can get back to Hinjo's boat.
Lien: Wait, she knows Lord Hinjo's name? Elan, I don't think we can trust this woman.
Daigo: Yeah, she could be leading us into a trap. I mean, a new trap.
Elan: No, it's cool. I fought beside her once before. Don't you guys see? She wears a mask, she shows up every time we're in trouble, and we don't know her real name. Isn't it obvious? She's a superhero!!
Lien: Elan, she's a ninja!!
Elan: No, see, she just has a ninja-themed motif to strike fear into the hearts of cowardly and superstitious criminals.
Ninja: Gah!
Therkla: A ninja! It's an omen! I shall become a NINJA!
Elan: Either that, or she was bitten by a radioactive ninja...
Lien: She was willing to let orcs sacrifice me, Elan!!
Elan: Huh? What are you talking about? She didn't show up until after-
Lien: Stop and think for a minute, Elan! She was She was the one behind the altar, don't you recognize her voice?? She was the clown!
Elan: Oh, so first she's a ninja, now she's a clown? Was she a pirate-robot-monkey, too? Pul-lease. You're just jealous that she has a secret identity and you don't.
Lien: Well, how about I just Detect Evil on her and-
Therkla: *gulp*
Lien: Hey, where did she go??
Elan: See?? She disappeared while we were looking away, just like a real superhero!
Lien: Or like, I don't know, a NINJA!
Elan: A ninja superhero, exactly.
Durkon: Can we please table tha ninja discussion 'til AFTER we're done escapin'??
(D): Can we please table the ninja discussion until AFTER we're done escaping??
Daigo: Agreed! This tunnel is creeping me out. I keep having flashbacks to earlier strips.
Lien: Fine. I still say it's ridiculous to think that a superhero would just show up on a random island in the middle of the ocean.
Elan: It's happened before.
Lien: Name one time.
Cyclops: Hey.

0561
Pop Idolatry
Elan, Lien, Daigo, Durkon, Shaman Vurkle, Chief Grukgruk

Elan: The shoreline! See, I told you she would lead us to safety.
Lien: Thank the Twelve Gods! I was beginning to think the people who built that tunnel had absolutely no idea where it was going.
Durkon: Water Walk!
Daigo: You had Water Walk prepared?
Durkon: I line onna boat an' wear heavy armor.
Daigo: Good point.
Elan: Ha ha! We got away with Banjo! Nyah nyah!
Shaman Vurkle: orcs not have god. again.
Chief Grukgruk: it ok, shaman vurkle. chief grukgruk sure we find something else to worship.
Shaman Vurkle: *sigh* shaman vurkle go back to worshipping vague land spirit, shaman vurkle guess. not as satisfying.
Chief Grukgruk: there, there.
Elan: Aww, man. Now I feel bad for him. Hey, you know, you could always just become followers of a different god.
Durkon: Aye. Instead o' worshipping a bull or a clown, ye could put yer faith inna REAL deity, like Thor.
(D): Aye. Instead of worshipping a bull or a clown, you could put your faith into a REAL deity, like Thor.
Shaman Vurkle: really?
Durkon: Ye'd haf to atone fer any evil deeds ye did first, but then wit faith an' devotion, ye could-
(D): You'd have to atone for any evil deeds you did first, but then with faith and devotion, you could-
Elan: Or, you could just start worshipping- GIGGLES the clown, god of slapstick! He's just like Banjo, except instead of playing music, he hits people with a stick.
Shaman Vurkle: oooo, hitting people more our thing anyway.
Chief Grukgruk: OK, orcs worship giggles now.
Durkon: WHA?!? But tha be just another puppet! Wha aboot Thor?
(D): WHAT?!? But that is just another puppet! What about Thor?
Shaman Vurkle: atoning for misdeeds sound like it involve a lot of talking.
Chief Grukgruk: giggles is a god of action!
Shaman Vurkle: no like banjo now, stupid banjo and dumb banjo-worshippers get off orc island.
Elan: Don't be mean to Banjo! He can still smite Giggles with his magic banjo!
Shaman Vurkle: giggles blocks!
Elan: Nuh uh! No force can block Banjo's holy weapon!
Shaman Vurkle: no force- but enchanted thwacking-stick of banjo's brother, gigles!
Elan: Ooooo! That's neat! OK, so they're brothers, but they're rivals, too. Cool!
Durkon: But...but thar na real gods! Thar just puppets! Cannae ye see thar just puppets?!?
(D): But...but they're not real gods! They're just puppets! Can't you see they're just puppets?!?
Elan: The only way to settle this dispute between two gods is with a pie-eating contest!!
Shaman Vurkle and Chief Grukgruk: hooray!
Durkon: PUPPETS CANNAE EVEN EAT PIE!!!
(D): PUPPETS CANNOT EVEN EAT PIE!!!

0562
Heroic Fantasy
Kubota, Qarr, Therkla

Kubota: I do not wish to hear your excuse this time. Qarr has already informed me about everything that happened.
Qarr: Yeah! Now you and your tingly feelings will get what's coming to you.
Therkla: Please, Lord Kubota, I beg you... do not be too harsh in punishing Qarr.
Qarr: Begging won't have any effect on- wait, what?
Therkla: Sure, the mission that you approved was sanctioned to capture – not kill – Hinjo's bodyguard. And sure, Qarr took it upon himself to openly defy your orders when he instructed the orcs to kill him. But he only did so because he believed that his opinion was intristically more valid than your orders.
Kubota: And why do you think that I possibly cared about the lives of Hinjo's allies? Hmm?
Therkla: I do not know, Lord Kubota. The place of a minion such as myself is not to question her master's orders, but to carry them out exactly as given.
Qarr: Oh, come on, surely you don't think Lord Kubota will swallow that load of stench kow pie!
Kubota: Well done, Therkla.
Qarr: WHAT?!?
Kubota: You managed to weasel your way out of responsibility for your own actions like a seasoned veteran.
Therkla: I study at the feet of a master.
Kubota: I couldn't be prouder if you were my own flesh and blood.
Qarr: But-but she tried to save them! She betrayed our cause!! Hell, capturing the bard was HER idea!
Kubota: Nature abhors a tattletale, imp. There will be more opportunities to kill the Order of the Sitck. For today, I am proud of Therkla's progress toward a deeper understanding of politics. But my dear, just so we are as clear as my antique elven crystal: The next time you see Hinjo's bodyguard, you are to kill him and bring me his head. No. Loopholes.
Therkla: Y-yes, Lord Kubota.
Kubota: Very well. As that issue is now settled, were you able to gather any useful intelligence on our enemies?
Qarr: From what I could see, “intelligence” was pretty low on her list of what she was looking for...
Therkla: Oh yes, Lord Kubota. I came away with a great deal of information for me to consider. (Elan: Holy mental monarchs, Ninja Girl! It looks like Hinjoker is up to his old tricks again! Therkla: Tell Commissioner Kubota that we're on the case, Bard Boy. To the Ninjamobile! Qarr: Shall I prepare the bed chambers for your and Master Elan's usual post-herioics wild sex romp, ma'am?
Therkla: Yes, Alfred, that will do nicely.
Qarr: Apparently “sanity” isn't in the top ten, either.

0563
Air Mail
Daigo, Elan, Lien, Hinjo, Vaarsuvius, Durkon

Daigo: Daddy learned about encumbrance today.
Elan: -so even though Vurkle was able to scarf down three more blueberry pies than I was, we all had so much fun that Chief Grukgruk agreed to trade with us.
Lien: We're trading them all the red and orange dye we have in stock. They need it for their ceremonial gard, and it's not like anyone around here uses it.
Hinjo: Excellent work, Elan! I knew you could handle this diplomatic mission without me.
Elan: Thanks Hinjo, it was awesome!
Hinjo: I do hope the Twelve Gods are understanding about us indirectly helping to found a new religion though. I think there might be a “Non-compete” clause in the paladin oaths...
Lien: Sir, if I may speak with you privately about something I saw... or rather, heard.
Hinjo: Of course.
Elan: Oh, hey Vaarsuvius. You missed Banjo coming to life and saving us from the orcs.
Vaarsuvius: I may not have been present, but I assue you that I did not miss it at all.
Durkon: I'm shocked ye left yer dark cave ta come see us.
(D): I'm shocked you left your dark cave to come see us.
Vaarsuvius: Your astonishment can be retracted, then, for I have ventured above deck simply to release my aerial couriers.
Durkon: Lien's safe, na thanks ta ye.
(D): Lien's safe, no thanks to you.
Vaarsuvius: Proof once again that my tactical assessment of the situation was accurate and my services were not required. And now, you will see that indeed, these last few hours have been most fruitful: Vaarsuvius' Greater Animal Messenger! There! We need now only wait, either hours or days while those three enchanted birds unerringly seek out Miss Starshine, the halfling, and the late Sir Greenhilt. Their voyage cannot be deterred by any abjuration or illusion, I have seen to that. They shall fly directly toward the recipent and, once within five feet of them, vocally recite a message I taught them ealier. Once they have spoken their missivem they will wait patiently while the target dictates a return communiqué before taking to the wing once more and flying swiftly back to my presence.
Durkon: V, ye really must listen ta me. This ain't healthy fer ye anymore. Ye need ta stop-
(D): V, you really must listen to me. This isn't healthy for you anymore. You need to stop-
Vaarsuvius: Scoff at my unending diligence if you must, but while you have engaged in foolishness du jour, my magic has, at long last, unraveled the problem of our long separation from our allies. Truly, my intellect has once again sliced through the metaphorical knot of our obstacles in order to-

0564
It's What's For Dinner
Haley, Belkar, Celia, Polly, Magic Mouth

Haley: Darn, that's tasty. Belkar, what did you season this with?
Belkar: Just a little pepper. That's the natural flavor.
Haley: Well, if you see any more of those birds, let me know. We should eat this good every night. You're sure you don't want any, Celia? There's plenty left.
Celia: Vegetarian.
Haley: Ah. Right. That makes sense.
Belkar: More meat for Mr. Scruffy, then. He's a stone-cold carnivore.
Celia: Doesn't anyone think it's odd that tropical birds were flying around in this climate.
Haley: Have you ever read an encounter table? Nothing surprises me anymore.
Belkar: I once fought 1d3 dire camels in a swamp. No joke.
Haley: And wait, how do you know that the birds were tropical? You barely know about humans at all.
Celia: I'm an air creature, I've had a lot of bird friends. I'm here for you, but you need to admit that you have a problem.
Polly: squawk! Polly wants a cracker!
Celia: Damn it, Polly, you can't solve all your problems with saltines!!
Haley: Yeah, well, after a few months of nothing but rice and the occasional piece of fruit, a little roasted poultry is too good to pass up.
Belkar: Don't look a gift parrot in the beak, I always say.
Haley: AHHHH! I am so stupid!!!! So, SO stupid!!
Belkar: Well I wasn't going to be the one to say it, but...
Haley: “A gift horse in the mouth”... I can't believe I didn't think of this before!!
Celia: What is it, Haley? Is it about the parrots?
Haley: What? No, it's not about the stupid parrots, Celia. Forget the parrots, they're completely irrelevant. This is about where we're headed. Pack everything on the Corpse Cart, I'm turning it around.
Belkar: WHAT? Oh, do NOT tell me we're going back to that awful city.
Haley: We're not. But we don't need to go all the way to Cliffport, either. We already know a cleric in the area. We just need to head southwest rather than southeast, and cut through the underbrush-
Magic Mouth: -while rare, require immediate clerical attention. Statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Potion Administration. Services are not intended to diagnose or treat any disease or curse.
Oh, and 599 too, since I felt like it. :smalltongue:
599
Separate Ways
Elan, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Lien, Hinjo, Qarr

Durkon: Elan, lad, thar ye are. Hinjo's been lookin' all o'er fer ye.
(D): Elan, lad, there you are. Hinjo's been looking all over for you.
Elan: Have you by any chance talked to Vaarsuvius? About anything?
Durkon: Och, I dinnae ev'n wanna 'ear aboot tha elf. I dinnae know what's gotten inta 'im. Or 'er, I've ne'er been quite sure.
(D): Oh, I don't even want to hear about the elf. I don't know what's gotten into him. Or her, I've never been quite sure.
Vaarsuvius: I am pleased to say that such concerns will no longer be yours. Not that they should have been yours in the first place. I am leaving this ship. Immediately. Up until this point, I had believed that this ship was a reasonably suitable place from which I could continue my magical studies. The events of the past evening have made it clear to me that such is not the case, for several reasons. Whatever shelters this vessel provides me are trifles compared to the sundry imbroglios into which I find myself dragged, kicking and screaming. I am thus departing, so that I might continue my research in a place as yet to be determined, but which will certainly place less restrictions, physical or otherwise, on my efforts.
Durkon: Look, I know we have big plans ta pursue wit tha gates, but we cannae ignore tha suffering o' these people when they need us.
(D): Look, I know we have big plans to pursue with the gates, but we can't ignore the suffering of these people when they need us.
Vaarsuvius: You misunderstand, as usual. While the odious intrusion of these people's pointless plebian lives into my crucial affairs is distressing, I am more certain than ever that it is primarily YOU whom I must shun.
Durkon: What?!? Yer blamin' ME 'cause YE cannae find Haley?
(D): What?!? You're blaming ME because YOU cannot find Haley?
Vaarsuvius: If the shoe fits, wear it. And in this case, the shoes in question are +5 Boots of Inaction. You and the idiot bard have become the metaphorical albatrosses around my slender elven neck, without which my magical instincts will more readily find Miss Starshine and, with luck, Sir Greenhilt. I have every confidence that removing myself from this environment will swiftly dissolve any remaining obstacles to these ends.
Durkon: Vaarsuvius, at least get a good night's trance before makin' such a decision. Ye haven't tranced in months!
(D): Vaarsuvius, at least get a good night's trance before making such a decision. You haven't tranced in months!
Vaarsuvuis: Trancing is not biologically required for elves. I have become far more efficient since I eliminated it from my schedule. I would not expect you to understand.
Durkon: Think aboot wha yer doin' fer one minute. I know we ain't exactly gotten on well these last months, but... but c'mon! We need ye!
(D): Think about what you're doing for one minute. I know we haven't exactly gotten on well these last months, but... but c'mon! We need you!
Vaarsuvius: And yet I see no reason why I still need ye. You.
Durkon: Elan, lad, yer tha one wit Charisma. Talk tha fool out o'it! We need ta keep tha team together!
(D): Elan, lad, you're the one with Charisma. Talk the fool out of it! We need to keep the team together!
Elan: ...
Durkon: Say sumtin'!
(D): Say something!
Elan: ... Have a nice trip.
Vaarsuvius: I believe I shall, yes.
Elan: I'm sure when you get back, Hinjo will want to speak with you. If you get what I'm saying.
Vaarsuvius: I have no intention of returning. Once I locate Miss Starshine, I might feel moved to suggest a rendezvous with the two of you at a different location... But probably not. Goodbye.
Durkon: Och. I cannar believe 'e just up an' left like that.
(D): Oh. I can't believe he just up and left like that.
Elan: I think... I think it's for the best, Durkon. ... It's probably for the best.
Hinjo: So, Elan, what is it you wanted to talk to me about? Is it about Kubota, I hope?
Elan: Kubota is dead. He... He drowned.
Hinjo: What? How??
Elan: Well... he poisoned Therkla, and then escaped on a rowboat. I ran after him, jumped on the rowboat... and he fell out. So now we can put this whole thing behind us and focus on-
Hinjo: I guess I'll send Lien and Razor down to the ocean floor to recover the body, then.
Elan: The body? Oh, uh, no, there were... piranhas. Yeah, piranhas came and devoured it.
Hinjo: Piranhas? In the ocean?
Elan: They were... uh... saltwater piranhas.
Hinjo: Well, there would still be a skeleton... I should send Lien to-
Elan: They were dire half-dragon bone-eating saltwater werepiranhas, OK??? Geez!! Enough with all the “gotcha” questions.
Lien: Sir, please don't tell me you actually believe that.
Hinjo: I don't what to believe right now. But you better head down and see what you can find anyway. Speaking of searching, any word on the imp yet?
Lien: No, sir. I've used Detect Evil to scan every inch of this ship, Kubota's ship, and the island.
Hinjo: I was afraid of that. He escaped while our attention was on Kubota and the giant devil. He could be just about anywhere by now...
Qarr: ...so I'm sorry this didn't work out, but look on the bright side: who knew you had a hidden talent for ornamenting lawns? Hang on a second... Well. Look at that. And here I thought the hardest part would be getting back aboard a ship with two paladins. Gotta run, Big Guy... ... Opportunity is making a Strength check to break down my door.

Question Time!
Please compare this guy (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0298.html) to this guy. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0403.html)

Now, is the guy from 298
a)O-chul's twin brother?
b)O-chul who would manage to become scared scarred by 403
c)The Giant's just reusing character designs
d)something else?

Also compare 298 guy (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0298.html) to 290 guy (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0290.html), since I called the 290 guy O-chul.If it helps, the Number of Character Appearences (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=90191) topic says he is not O-chul. They simply call the paladin in 298 and 290 "Fellow Medium-Sized Paladin" (see Characters with two appearances).

mlsq42

2008-10-13, 09:39 PM

All of them have been claimed.

Cool, I get minor karma points for offering to help but don't have to do anything. Score!

Lokasenna

2008-10-20, 08:13 PM

506-510 Done

0506
Flanking Crush
Durkon, Elan, Therkla, Qarr, Hinjo, Troll

Durkon: Och! Lookae all o’ tha trolls! Where’s a billy goat gruff when ya need one?
(D): Wow! Look at all of the trolls! Where’s a billy goat gruff when you need one?
Elan: I need to get back and protect Hinjo!
Therkla: The distraction is working: Hinjo is unguarded.
Qarr: Then strike, Therkla! Strike now!
Elan: Excuse me! Coming through!
Hinjo: It’s about time, Elan!
Elan: Durkon and V are handling the other end of the ship.
Hinjo: Be careful, they seem pretty enraged for some reason.
Elan: I guess you’d say they’re regen-irate!
Troll: i don’t get it.
Elan: Uh-oh, I may need to dumb down my puns.
Hinjo: The gods help us all.
Elan: Hi!
Therkla: Oh!
Elan: Sorry I knocked you over before, I didn’t see you there.
Therkla: Oh, don’t worry, that happens all the time. ‘Cause, you know. Ninja.
Elan: Hey, get around to the other side of this troll, we’ll flank it.
Therkla: What? No, I’m- I mean, sure, OK. That’s cool with me. Ohmygods, ohmygods, we’re flanking together! He is sooooo into me! YES!
Qarr: What did you say?
Therkla: Nothing! Uh, no, nothing. I’ve… uh… encountered resistance.
Qarr: What kind of resistance?
Therkla: The sexy kind.
Qarr: What?
Therkla: I said, “The dexterous kind.”
Qarr: Oh.
Troll: hey, i thought you were on our side!
Therkla: <whispers> Just shut up and stand still.
Elan: Looks like we’re in con-TROLL of this battle now! Ha ha!
Therkla: Ha ha ha, that was really- WHOA!!
Elan: Hey, thanks for the flank, whoever you- Huh. Where did she go?

0507
Fantasy Troll-Playing Game
Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Lien, Hinjo, Elan

Durkon: Izzit just me, or does this boat seem ta get attacked by monsters WAY too often?
(D): Is it just me, or does this boat seem to get attacked by monsters WAY too often?
Vaarsuvius: I believe that is why they have been dubbed, “Random Encounters,” rather than “Statistically Probable Encounters.”
Durkon: Aye, I guess, but this month alone we’ve fought locathah, sahuagin, merrows, an’ now sea trolls.
(D): Yeah, I guess, but this month alone we’ve fought locathah, sahuagin, merrows, and now sea trolls.
Vaarsuvius: I fail to see the problem. More encounters lead to more experience, which leads to a higher level-and a greater chance of defeating whatever effect is impeding my scrying efforts. My only regret is that the majority of the marauders we have clashed with so far have been so effortlessly vanquished.
Lien: Easy for you to say, you’re already high level. But we’re losing good men and women with each attack.
Durkon: Aye, lass, we know. These two’ve killed and cooked, how else can we help?
(D): Lien, we know. These two have killed and cooked, how else can we help?
Lien: Two fishing vessels sailing off the port stern have troll boarders as well. Can you two handle them and heal any wounded citizens?
Durkon: Aye, we’ll take care o’ it.
(D): Yeah, we’ll take care of it.
Vaarsuvius: Fly.
Durkon: Uh… which side is-
(D): Uh… which side is-
Lien: For the five hundredth time, port is THAT way.
Durkon: Sorry. It’s na something ye really think’ll come up too much when yer a dwarf…
(D): Sorry. It’s not something you really think will come up too much when you’re a dwarf…
Lien: Lord Hinjo, are you OK?
Hinjo: Yeah, we just killed the last of them.
Elan: This wedding is now troll-free!
Hinjo: I’m confused though. I remember reading that trolls could heal all their wounds-even from death-unless you used fire or acid to kill them.
Elan: Yeah, we just stabbed them a lot and they fell over.
Lien: That’s because they were scrags. Aquatic trolls. They only regenerate when immersed in water. What did you guys do with the trolls’ corpses, anyway?
Hinjo: …
Elan: We dumped them overboard.

0508
Sure Beats Flatware
Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Hinjo, Lien, Kazumi, Daigo

Durkon: …an’ by tha time we got thar, tha first boat had lost 14 crewmen, but tha second…
(D): …and by the time we got there, the first boat had lost 14 crewmen, but the second…
Vaarsuvius: There were no survivors.
Hinjo: Twelve Gods damn them!
Lien: Sir, I’ve known many sailors, and our trading routes have never suffered this many monster attacks.
Hinjo: I was hoping that one of our allies would allow the entire fleet to land, but I can’t wait for that anymore. We’re too vulnerable to attack when we’re spread out over the entire fleet. I won’t let entire ships of civilians get picked off one at a time. We need to find an uninhabited patch of land and settle temporarily. Only then can we protect ourselves AND focus on the task of reclaiming our home.
Lien: Yes, sir. The citizens can help us build a colony.
Hinjo: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of a fort…
Elan: Oooo! I know! How about a walled city with a big castle? Oh, right. We already had one of those.
Vaarsuvius: This discussion is fascinating, truly, but I must attend to other business elsewhere.
Durkon: Wait, where are ye going?
(D): Wait, where are you going?
Vaarsuvius: Back to my research. I need to utilize my new scrying spell to look for the halfling, as well as Sir Greenhilt (on the off-chance that he was raised without our intervention). I do not expect any success, but for the sake of thoroughness I must attempt it. After that, I will begin to research another new spell and cast it with regards to each of the three, and so on and so forth until I locate one of them. Perhaps if I enchanted some sort of finding-animal and send it out to search…
Durkon: But we need yer spells up here ta-
(D): But we need your spells up here to-
Vaarsuvius: I see no need for further discussion. Do not disturb me for anything with a Challenge Rating lower than 11.
Elan: Wow, V sure is dedicated to finding our friends!
Durkon: I suppose. Or ‘e’s just dedicated to winning.
(D): I suppose. Or he’s just dedicated to winning.
Elan: What do you mean?
Durkon: …It’s na important. Let’s help wit tha clean-up.
(D): … It’s not important. Let’s help with the clean-up.
Elan: I feel bad for Kazumi and Daigo, you know. Their whole wedding reception got trashed!
Durkon: Dinnae worry, lad. They got a weddin’ gift tha more than makes up fer it.
(D): Don’t worry, Elan. They got a wedding gift that more than makes up for it.
Elan: You mean being ennobled?
Durkon: Better.
(D): Better.
Kazumi: Welcome to 6th level, honey.
Daigo: I love you.

0509
It Has Flowers, Hearts, and a DC 30 Lock
Kubota, Servant, Therkla, Qarr

Kubota: -and I want chilled caviar served at my coronation dinner. Nothing but the finest.
Servant: Daimyo, we have limited supplies on board. Where would we get-
Kubota: It’s fish eggs. We’re on the ocean. Twelve Gods, work it out somehow. Therkla! I take it from your return that this tedious event planning is worth the effort. Shojo’s whelp sleeps with the fishes.
Therkla: Well… he sleeps sort of near the fishes. Because he’s on a boat. Does that count?
Kubota: Oh, Therkla, my dear. Please, please PLEASE tell me you’re not getting seawater on my imported rug without better news than that!
Therkla: I’m sorry, Master. I have failed you again.
Qarr: I knew it! See, Kubota, I knew that the half-orc could not longer be trusted! I kept getting feelings through the telepathic link. Strange, tingly feelings… coupled with an urge to write them down in my diary…
Kubota: Nonsense, little one. Therkla has been my most trusted assassin for seven years.
Therkla: Yeah, I’ve been here a lot longer than you have-ever since I graduated valedictorian from Ninja School.
Therkla: I am salutatorian-no more!
Kubota: Her loyalty to me is beyond reproach. I will not hear of it again. Though I am starting to doubt her effectiveness…
Therkla: No, Master, you don’t understand! It’s that bodyguard of Hinjo’s! He’s too clever!
Kubota: The bodyguard AGAIN? Odd. I had been left with the distinct impression that he was a simple-minded buffoon who had lucked into success by following the dwarf and the elf…
Therkla: Not at all, Master. That is simply…uh…a cunning façade. Beneath lurks a canny warrior!
Qarr: Then perhaps our next move should focus on killing the just the bodyguard.
Kubota: Yes, Qarr, that would seem prudent to-
Therkla: NO!!! I mean…um…he’s far too strong for any assassination attempt to work! We need to…uh…distract him! Find a way of getting him away from Hinjo, so that we wouldn’t hurt him. I mean, so that he won’t hurt us.
Kubota: I suppose. The two of you coordinate the details, then.
Qarr: Maybe a plan that doesn’t involve me charming a few dozen monsters, for once?
Therkla: Ok. I just need to stop by my quarters and write something down before I forget the details.
Qarr: HA! See? I told you! Diary!
Therkla: It’s not a crime to keep a poetry journal! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE MYSTERIES OF MY HEART!

0510
Killer View
Roy, Eugene, Roy's Archon

Roy: OK, OK, turn it off. I can’t watch another moment of those double-crossers.
Eugene: I don’t see what the noble has to do with the-
Roy: Not Kubota, Dad, my friends! They went a got themselves a new villain behind my back, those two-timing jerks! I thought we had a quest that was special, but they’re off having their deaths planned by some OTHER evil mastermind.
Roy’s Archon: Now, Roy, it’s a big narrative. It’s understandable that they’d want to sow their oats with some B-list antagonist. I know it hurts now, but they’ll come crawling back to your main plot sooner or later.
Roy: I guess you’re right… At least I know why they haven’t raised me: they don’t have my corpse yet. I wonder what’s happened to it…It’s sort of weird not knowing where my body is. Kinda like losing your wallet. You just have to hope no one’s doing anything too illegal with the contents. Hey, wait- Can we just scry on my corpse? That would be a lot easier.
Eugene: Nope. I can only scry on people. Your body is an object now-a big, dumb object most suited for use as a battering ram or a shield. So, you know, pretty much the same as when you were alive.
Roy: Crap. And we can’t scry on Haley, because that’s-
Eugene: Hold on there, Object-Man, who said we can’t scry on your redhead chick?
Roy: Well, I figured since V had so much trouble…
Eugene: Son, this ain’t some elf’s toy crystal ball here. This is the View From Above. This is where the celestials come to watch us. There’s scrying power to spare. Check it out: You want to scry on your friend, let’s scry on her.
Roy’s Archon: If she is alive and on the mortal plane, we should be able to see her.
Roy: Wow. It’s even weirder for stuff to just work out in my favor like that…
Eugene: Hey, maybe we’ll get lucky and she’ll be in the shower.
Roy: Dad! She’s a co-worker!
Eugene: What? It’s not like I haven’t looked down to check out her knockers before…
Roy: DAD!!
Eugene: Fine, fine. What was her full name again?
Roy: Haley Starshine. Haley… Haley Starshine… Haley Starshine… Haley…

Lokasenna

2008-10-21, 05:12 AM

And I somehow forgot to post 299 and 300

0299
A Calling Missed
Monster in the Darkness, Redcloak, Roach 1, Roach 2, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2

Monster in the Darkness: Wow, everyone is so busy around here lately!
Redcloak: Yes, well, that’s because unlike you, some of us have the capacity to actually contribute to our cause.
Roach 1: So this is an epilogue?
Roach 2: I thought it was more of a coda.
Monster in the Darkness: I can contribute!
Redcloak: Oh? Like how?
Monster in the Darkness: Like… uh… well, how are you contributing?
Redcloak: I’m on my way to finish zombifying the monsters we killed up in the tower.
Monster in the Darkness: Yeah! I can help you with that!
Redcloak: Really? So, I guess those three boxes of mallomars you finished off somehow earned you enough XP to gain 5 levels in cleric overnight?
Monster in the Darkness: Well, they WERE especially chewy…
Redcloak: Then unless you are volunteering your services as raw materials, I don’t think you are going to be much help. Now shoo, go bug someone else for a bit.
Roach 1: G’way, kid, ya bother me!
Monster in the Darkness: Awww, man! I never get to do anything around here! I just sit under the umbrella and wait.
Roach 1: Cue the violins.
Monster in the Darkness: Just once-just once!-I’d like to be a valuable member of the team, needed for a critical task. You know, to know what it felt like, just one time.
Hobgoblin 1: Arrgh!!
Hobgoblin 2: What is it? What’s wrong?
Hobgoblin 1: The sun is shining right in my eyes! Oh, if only we had some form of soothing darkness available with which to protect our sensitive goblin eyes!
Hobgoblin 2: We will never finish our crucial task without some relief from the cruel sun’s scorching light.
Monster in the Darkness: Sigh… just once…

0300
Pick Your Doom
Xykon, Redcloak, Roach 1, Roach 2

Xykon: Redcloak! Report!
Redcloak: Well, since you asked so nicely… Animate Dead. Preparations are 98.5% complete. The bad news is that we’ve experienced 341 discipline problems among the hobgoblin troops this week. The good news is that the ghoul horde has swelled by 315 numbers.
Xykon: Well, have you-wait, only 315? What happened to the rest?
Redcloak: The, uh… the ghouls do get hungry, sir.
Xykon: Have you analyzed those gate locations I deciphered?
Redcloak: Yes sir, I have them right here on color-coded parchments.
Xykon: Wow, you really are a dork, aren’t you?
Redcloak: This is the first location. As you can see, it is across the ocean. Unless you are willing to invest heavily in water wings, I don’t see us getting this many minions over water.
Xykon: Hey! I’ve got an idea!
Redcloak: So help me, if you make me sail a ship made of hobgoblin corpses across the ocean, I will find a way to make you pay. Moving on… This is the second location. It is located far to the north. In order to get there, we’d have to march through eight human nations.
Xykon: Can’t we just conquer them?
Redcloak: Well, yes, but I’m not sure they’re worth our time, sir.
Xykon: Redcloak, we’re literally out to conquer the world here. In what way is conquering eight parts of that world not worth our time?
Redcloak: When we can get the same goal accomplished by only conquering one part of it. Here’s the third location. It will take several weeks to reach it, but most of the path is through wilderness. There’s only one little nation to deal with, and we’ll control the gate that we need. The best part is WHICH nation we get to conquer.
Xykon: Nice! You’ve sold me. Send the word down the line, Redcloak. That’s our destination. Next Stop: Azure City. (If anyone has to pee before we get started, now’s the time.)
Roach 1: Ooooo, splash page!
Roach 2: Must be the end of a story arc.

Kwarkpudding

2008-10-21, 08:23 AM

Lokasenna

2008-10-21, 03:37 PM

So... Which comics aren't done yet?

I'm pretty sure you can ask for 601-650 and just wait for the other strips to come out.

Lokasenna

2008-10-22, 07:15 PM

Well, I'm almost finished, but I have a few questions:

1. Throughout the strips, there are a lot of Azure City NPCs, I tried to identify them by wounds and weaponry, and I guess that went ok, but how do we call them? Just Azure City Warrior, and give them numbers?

2. The Hobgoblin General doesn't have a name, right?

3. What should I do with the spelling errors that are made in the strips? Just leave them or correct them?

4. Do written words, like signs, have to be scripted too?

5. When two people are talking using the same speech balloon, how is that scripted?

6. If Elan's illusions are talking, should I say Elan said it or Illusory <person>?

7. In strip 486, the blue winged man, is that a Deva? Since that's what the Bureaucratic Deva called herself, and they look similar. Should I call the man "guarding" the revolving door Revolving Door <thing>, then, or Whatever That Job Is Called <thing>?

Well, that's it. :smallsmile:

Personally, I did:
1) Gave them numbers for each strips, unless they were given a name later or they had a recognizable factor, like being a paladin, or a wizard, or something like that.
2) Does he get killed? Because there is a General in 543, and his name is Jirix.
3)I have corrected them.
4) Some people don't, but I did in most of my strips.
5)Some do Thor/Loki or something else, I did Thor and Loki
7) Illusory <person>
8) Revolving Door Deva would work, unless the guy is Tony from 292

Of course, XenoTheraphy has the final word.

Also, 511-515 Done

0511
Guerillas in Their Midst
Slave, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin Wizard, Hobgoblin 2, Haley, Isamu, Thanh, Niu

Slave: AHH!
Hobgoblin 1: Reporting for duty.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Welcome to the granary, then. I don’t know what your pervious assignment was, but I’ll find you in on the basics. Your job really boils down to whipping these human slaves while they carry stuff from Point A to Point B.
Hobgoblins: Does the whipping make them move faster?
Hobgoblin Wizard: Not really. But it critically important to maximize the favor of the food here.
Hobgoblin 1: …What?
Hobgoblin Wizard: Well, we’re a “Usually Evil” race, so Evil food tastes better to us than Good food.
Hobgoblin 2: And Evil food starts by whipping the slaves who carry it.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Their screams of agony will actually waft up and sweeten the food they’re carrying.
Hobgoblin 1: Wow… I never knew that.
Hobgoblin 2: It’s true. Biological fact.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Nah, we’re just messing with you. We whip them to make them move faster.
Hobgoblin 2: Ha ha ha! Oh, man, I can’t believe you bought that!
Hobgoblin Wizard: Seriously, though, this is important: If one of the elderly slaves starts to falter or slow down, you have to whip them even harder.
Hobgoblin 2: Yell at them to go faster, too.
Hobgoblin 1: Why? I mean, if they are physically incapable of going faster due to age, why whip them for it?
Hobgoblin Wizard: Well, because it’s funny.
Hobgoblin 2: I nearly pee myself laughing when when they fall down like a wet sack of sticks.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Ooo! Look, there’s one slowing down now.
Hobgoblin 2: New guy, the honor is yours.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Now, make sure you have a good grip on the handle, and don’t forget to follow through.
Hobgoblin 2: Pretend you’re Harrison Ford.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Oh, right. Forgot to mention. Whenever you start to whip an elderly slave, there’s about a 60% chance that some sort of hero will show up to stop you.
Hobgoblin 2: It really wears thin after awhile.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Hey! Who gave those slaves hoods?
Hobgoblin 1: I’m pretty sure we should be more worried about who gave them weapons.
Haley: The true slaves here are you-slaves to an insane undead monster! We came to rescue these prisoners of war, because we are- THE RESISTANCE!
Isamu: Wait- “The Resistance”? I thought we agreed we were going to call ourselves, “The Azure City Underground”?
Thanh: I thought we were going to with, “Sapphire Liberation Front”.
Niu: I still prefer, “Rebel Alliance”.
Haley: OK, OK, name notwithstanding, we’re here to free the slaves.
Isamu: But you just said that the hobgoblins were the true slaves. Does that mean-
Haley: Oh my GODS, will you shut up and start resisting someone already?!?
Isamu: Technically, I’m resisting-
Haley: Resisting someone OTHER than me?!?!
Isamu: Oh.

0512
They've Had Time to Train, Too
Haley, Niu, Thanh, Hobgoblin Wizard, Hobgoblin Tower 5, Hobgoblin Main Tower

Haley: OK, people, let’s do this like we’ve been training: In, out, and gone before anyone’s the wiser. Niu, you and Isamu round up the prisoners and get them moving toward the tunnels.
Niu: Yes, Haley.
Haley: And I want all of you carrying as much food as you can-we need supplies badly, especially if we’re going to be feeding more mouths to feed. Thanh, can you handle the granary guards by yourself?
Thanh: The anguished souls of a thousand unjustly slain Azurites will guide each swing of my blade.
Haley: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Go, I’ll take out the browncoat. Good morning, gentlemen. At least, I think it’s morning. Sort of tough to tell these days, what with the giant swirling rift that blocks out the sun. Anyway, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is, I won initiative, so you guys get a sneak attack each. The good news is, I don’t have to bother thinking up the second half to that joke, ‘cause you’re all dead now. Looks like it’s just you and me now, wizard. Hit me with your-
Hobgoblin Wizard: DANCING LIGHTS!
Haley: ..“Dancing Lights”? That’s like a 0th-level spell! Geez, what kind of low-level lame-ass spellcaster are you? You’ve got one chance before I perforate you, and you choose… … Dancing… …Lights.
Tower Five: Main Tower, we’re seeing a red diamond signal in sector 18, near the granary.
Main Tower: Copy that, Tower 5, we see it too.
Hobgoblin Wizard: OK, so I’ve got bad news, and I’ve got bad news.

0513
Security Deposit
Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2, Hobgoblin 3, Haley, Isamu, Niu, Tsukiko, Wright 1, Wright 2

Hobgoblin 1: Red diamond? I don’t think I’ve seen that one since we started the new system.
Hobgoblin 2: Let me look it up on the chart. Well, damn!
Hobgoblin 3: Sir, Black Squadron reports that they are ready for immediate dispatch.
Hobgoblin 2: Then send them in. And order all other units out of the area.
Haley: Change of plans! Drop any food that puts you over light encumbrance and run for the tunnels!
Isamu: What? But you said-
Haley: I know what I said! But that wizard got off some kind of signal. That means we have incoming forces, and we need to get our resistant butts out of here, NOW!
Niu: Haley, we beat these slavers easily enough, we’re ready to fight more.
Haley: I’m not expecting more hobgoblins…
Tsukiko: Teleport! OK, Black Squadron, now: everyone is bundled up with all of their buff spells, let’s fan out and find some insurgents.
Wright 1: Yes, Mistress Tsukiko.
Tsukiko: Remember, we’re using the Buddy System, so stick together in case one of you gets attacked.
Wright 2: Yes, Mistress Tsukiko.
Tsukiko: And if you see a Good cleric, what do you do?
Wright 1: Blow on our safety whistle.
Tsukiko: Exactly.

0514
Elan Would Be So Proud
Tsukiko, Haley, Isamu, Thanh, Wright 1, Wright 2, Belkar

Tsukiko: Hmmm… this looks like Starshine’s work… The arrows match last week’s jailbreak. Can you hear me, Haley? I’m coming for you, and this time, you won’t slip away into the darkness.
Haley: <whispers> Tsukiko. Just what I was afraid of. Did Niu make it to the tunnels with the prisoners?
Isamu: <whispers> I think so. She was leading them straight there when I lost sight of her.
Haley: <whispers> Good. Tsukiko’s Spot check sucks, but even she couldn’t miss a mob of twenty-plus freed slaves. So the rest of us just need to stay hidden until she passes by, then make a break for the tunnel. Wait- where’s Thanh?
Isamu: <whispers> Don’t know. He hasn’t come back from the granary.
Haley: <whispers> Damn it! I knew bringing him along was a mistake.
Thanh: Consider this a partial downpayment on the full measure of righteous vengeance that was owned you!
Wright 1: Check it out, buddy: I think we’ve found our insurgent.
Wright 2: Nice.
Wright 1: I call dibs on his levels that are divisible by three!
Wright 2: Aw, man! You always get the best ones. Fine, I call his levels divisible by four.
Wright 1: I hope he’s not 12th level…
Thanh: Back, undead minions! You won’t be draining anything today! TURN UNDEAD!
Wright 1: Ahhh! The light! It stings in an uncomfortable manner!
Thanh: Very well, dark abominations, I suppose I shall pay the balance of my debt today.
Belkar: Oh, wait, crap. This is my cue, isn’t it? Sorry, would have jumped in earlier, but you know how the old saying goes: “Don’t fire until you see the eyes of their wrights.”

0515
A Momentary Experience
Belkar, Wright 1, Wright 2, Wright 3, Thanh

Belkar: Now if only I could figure out some way to make them explode on impact…
Wright 1: Did-did that halfling just hit me in the face with a pineapple??
Wright 2: I think he did. Also, I think no one has ever asked that exact question in the history of civilization, so bonus points there. Grrrarrr!
Wright 3: Die!
Belkar: Step right up, gentlemen, I have two daggers, no waiting.
Thanh: You certainly took enough time to show yourself. One of us could have been killed by now.
Belkar: First of all, watch where you’re swinging that Smite Evil, Mustache-for-Brains. Second of all, I can’t injure living creatures inside the borders of a town due to the Mark of Justice, remember? Something for which you can thank your partner-in-ridiculous-blue-facial-hair, Hinjo, for not removing BEFORE he sailed off into the sunset. I wasn’t about to show myself until I was sure we were fighting undead. At least these guys have decent Hit Dice, so I should get- YES!!! New level for Belkar! Three months trapped in this lame-ass city, hiding until those few times undead showed up, and I finally earned enough XP to level! Ranger? Barbarian? Maybe an overpowered prestige class? Woooo! I am the champion, my friend! And I’ll keep on fighting to the end! Belkar gained a level! Belkar gained a level! Belkar gained- Never mind.

Lokasenna

2008-10-23, 06:34 PM

516-520 Done

0516
Turning Azurite, I Think I'm Turning Azurite, I Really Think So
Thanh, Belkar, Tsukiko, Wright

Thanh: The wrights are vanquished. Let us make hasty our escape, that we might live to fight the forces of Evil another day.
Belkar: Yeah, hold on a moment, I think I saw something out of the corner of my eye, inside the granary.
Thanh: We do not have time to investigate.
Belkar: Hey, you may not have noticed, but I don’t succeed on many Spot checks. I’m not going to ignore it when I finally roll and natural 20. Besides, if this ends up being what I think it is, it’s worth the risk…
Thanh: Bah! You care more for your own profit than our holy mission to restore this nation’s rightful government?
Belkar: Turns out. Gee, there’s a shocker.
Thanh: Fine. I do not know what possible benefit Haley possibly sees in his continued assistance, but I need not indulge his avarice. He can find his own way-
Tsukiko: Flame Strike!
Thanh: AAAARGH!
Tsukiko: Is that him? Is that the one who turned you, my little one?
Wright: Uh huh! He made me feel funny inside!
Tsukiko: You big bully! I made him only four weeks ago! You’re lucky this isn’t First Edition, or we’ll see how you’d like it if someone turned YOU, paladin!
Thanh: You vile betrayer! You have sold out our entire civilization to outsiders!
Tsukiko: Yeah, but at least I got a good price for it. What can I say? It was a seller’s market. Besides, they were the ones who threw ME into prison for being different-for understanding that a pulse is not a prerequisite for being loved! They all got exactly what they deserved! But I guess we’ll have to settle for a different sort of turning for you. Dominate Person!
Thanh: Nnnnnno! Twelve Gods help me!
Tsukiko: Now, let’s go find that boss of yours.
Thanh: Yes, Mistress Tsukiko.
Tsukiko: Personally, I think you and Haley will both appreciate how wonderful and special the undead are after you walk a mile in their shoes…
Wright: Mistress, I’m not wearing shoes.
Tsukiko: It’s a metaphor, dearie.
Wright: Does that mean I’m getting shoes soon?
Tsukiko: No.
Wright: …Can I have his shoes?
Tsukiko: You’re really undercutting my point here, you know.

0517
Probably Best to Choose at Random
Tsukiko, Haley, Isamu

Tsukiko: Haley? I know you’re around here somewhere. I’m tired of looking for you and you’re probably tired of hiding, so let’s cut to the chase. I’ve got your paladin friend under my magical control here. If you don’t come out by the count of ten, I’ll command him to start playing “Pattycake”.
Haley: …”Pattycake”? Is that suppose to be a threat?
Tsukiko: -with the wright.
Haley: Oh.
Isamu: Damn her! Thanh won’t make it to the end of the second line before he’s a lifeless husk! What are you going to do?
Haley: I’m going out there.
Isamu: What?? Haley, are you nuts? It’s a trap!
Haley: Gee, y’think? But when the city fell, I had an opportunity to go back and save a paladin named O-Chul from certain doom, and I didn’t do it. Oh, sure, I had reasons, but… it’s bothered me ever since that I abandoned a good man to a probably gruesome fate. I’m not letting history repeat itself. Stay hidden until you’re sure you can get to the tunnel safely.
Isamu: Haley, if you surrender, who will lead the-
Haley: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there a moment. Who the heck said anything about surrendering? I’m going out there to shove a magic flaming arrow up one of her orifices. If you have any preference for which one, I’m taking suggestions.

0518
At Least It Wasn't the Fourth Wall Again
Tsukiko, Wright, Haley

Tsukiko: Six… seven… AAARGH!
Wright: No, Mistress, it’s “eight”, not “aaargh”.
Haley: You want a piece of me, Tsukiko? Come up here and take it! You and me, Round Four!
Tsukiko: Sounds like fun, let me just erase these Sneak Attacks. Cure Critical Wounds! Paladin, I’ve been wounded by that thief. Use your Lay on Hands ability to heal me the rest of the way. There, good as new, almost. Fireball.
Haley: Hey, can someone explain why I’m always fighting skanky chicks who fly? I mean, Sabine, Samantha, Tsukiko… I bet even the druid’s hawk was some sort of bird-hussy. I should take a level of ranger so I can choose Favored Enemy (Airborne Tramp).
Tsukiko: Tramp? Pfft, you’re just jealous of my dark mysterious beauty.
Haley: Oh, no, sister, I’ve been down that fashion road before. Sure, the black clothes look sexy, but eventually you turn, like, seventeen and realize that all your dark middle-class angst isn’t really that meaningful in a world where literal flesh-and-blood demons eat people from time to time.
Tsukiko: Screw this! Invisibility!
Haley: What? Giving up already? I thought we’d have a few more rounds of me effortlessly dodging your spells while making you look like a goth porcupine.
Tsukiko: Why bother? You’re right, Haley. You can dodge any spell I can cast that allows a Reflex save. That’s why after our last fight… …I looked up a few evocations that use attack rolls instead. Electric Orb.
Haley: Hey, that’s not a core sp-

0519
Nightmare on Blue Street
Haley, Thanh, Tsukiko, Wright 1, Wright 2

Haley: Unnnhhh… At least I landed back in the panel… AAAA!!! What the heck?!? What kind of unbalanced spells is she using? I guess I better watch my- Aaaa! Crap!! Thanh! Snap out of it! It’s me, Haley! You don’t want to attack me, do you?
Thanh: Thieves break the law. Thieves deserve punishment. Must attack. Must attack.
Haley: Nnnnnh! OK, I know a fight my class wasn’t designed for when I see one. I’m supposed to be the flanker, not the flankee.
Tsukiko: I’m just getting started! I’m a mystic theurge, I have more spells than you have hit points! Fire Orb! Quickened Lesser Acid Orb!
Haley: Isamu! Isamu, I need help! I need you to- Oh gods.
Wright 1: Delicious, but the portion was too small. I’m still hungry.
Wright 2: Not a problem, here comes the second course.
Haley: This story is swiftly moving from fantasy to horror-and just my luck, I’m stuck in the role of the bimbo who runs down the alley away from the monsters. I swear, if I randomly fall down and break the heel of my boot, I’m going to find Wes Craven and kick his ass.

0520
The Power of Immediate Gratification
Tsukiko, Haley, Belkar, Mr. Scruffy

Tsukiko: You friends in the so-called “Resistance” can’t help you now-
Haley: Belkar! Help!!
Tsukiko: Didn’t I just say that your friends won’t- Wait a minute… Don’t I know you from somewhere?
Belkar: Yup. Maximum Security.
Tsukiko: Hey, yeah, that’s it! We were in jail together! Second-degree murder, right?
Belkar: What a rip-off. I totally premeditated, you know. I guess taking Hinjo’s offer worked out for you, then.
Tsukiko: Can’t complain. I switched sides mid-battle, now I’ve got a cushy position with my own death squad.
Belkar: Sweet.
Haley: Uh, Belkar? Help?
Tsukiko: How about you? I remember you taunting that ex-paladin in the cells, did you get to stick a knife in their backs?
Belkar: I wish. Nah, I’ve been stuck with these losers, bumming around making small-time raids on the food supply.
Tsukiko: Aw, geez. That’s rough.
Belkar: Yeah. Well, a halfling’s gotta eat, you know, and all the hobgoblins pretty much attack on sight.
Tsukiko: Listen-Belkar, is it?-I’ve got some pull with the Big Man himself. Why don’t I try to set up an interview for you with our side? This job has it all, seriously. Good salary, good healthcare from all the low-level hobgoblin clerics, and a corner office in the accursed town Xykon wrenched from the unhallowed ground with his dark magic.
Belkar: I don’t know, I don’t really see myself behind a desk…
Tsukiko: Oh, no, it would be completely a hands-on position. We need a new Head Executioner, you know. Xykon killed the last one for spelling “guillotine” wrong on his daily reports.
Belkar: Well, it’s tempting. I’ve been wondering whether it wasn’t time to stop screwing around and get down to some serious large-scale killing. I’m not getting any younger, you know. But, it’s weird, I still feel some small bit of loyalty to Azure City’s ruler.
Tsukiko: Who? Hinjo? He’s not even here-
Belkar: Hell no, not that tool. I meant the TRUE power in Azure City.
Tsukiko: “True Power”? Who is-
Mr. Scruffy: mmRRRRROWWW!!
Tsukiko: Get it off! Get it OFF!
Mr. Scruffy: HISS!!
Haley: Nice Bluff check, Belkar! You really caught her off guard!
Belkar: What Bluff check? I was going to take the deal, right up until the point where I remembered how much I was looking forward to flinging an angry housecat in someone’s soft and unprotected face.

Fixed! I wrote Turning Azurite once too many in the title.

Lokasenna

2008-10-24, 08:43 PM

521-525 Done.

0521
Remorse
Belkar, Haley, Tsukiko, Mr. Scruffy, Wright, Thanh

Belkar: Look on the bright side: At least you don’t own me 20 gp anymore. I mean, unless someone raises you, then you better pay up, or we’ll be right back to me stabbing you.
Haley: Listen, Belkar, I’m still proud of you for picking our side. Especially since Xykon is probably strong enough to have removed the Mark of Justice from you, too.
Belkar: CRAP! I completely didn’t think of that! That totally changes everything! Man, do you think it’s too late to change my answer?
Haley: Gee, Belkar, I don’t know, let’s look and see.
Tsukiko: Someone get it off me! I can’t concentrate on my spells!
Mr. Scruffy: HISS!
Wright: I’ll get it off you, Mistress.
Tsukiko: NO! Someone who won’t drain a level when they touch me!
Mr. Scruffy: mmrrRROW! HISS!
Belkar: …Maybe she’s the forgiving type?
Thanh: Coming to help, Mistress.
Haley: Stop worrying about it and get ahead of Thanh for a second, OK?
Belkar: Huh? Why?
Haley: *sigh* Just do it, Belkar. Sorry, Isamu…I really need to borrow this.
Belkar: “Just do it, Belkar.” I bet Xykon doesn’t order his minions around so rudely.
Haley: Thanks for the flank. SNEAK ATTACK!
Belkar: HEY! You can’t go switching sides in the middle of battle!!!
Haley: Why not? You were thinking about it.
Belkar: Exactly! That job offer belongs to me!!! Not to mention that when I did it, it was cutting edge. If you do it, it’s just gonna go mainstream, and pretty soon-
Haley: I’m not switching sides. Thanh was Dominated by your prospective employer there, so I knocked him out with the sap.
Belkar: Dominated, huh? I didn’t know Thanh was into that sort of kinky stuff… I mean, the flying chick, sure, obviously. But I never would have thought-
Haley: Not that sort of domination, you idiot! Help me carry him. We need to get out of here before Tsukiko regains her concentration-and we need to get him back to HQ before he wakes up.
Belkar: Yeah… So you’re absolutely sure the “Join the villains” deal is off the table?
Haley: Belkar!
Belkar: Because I’m willing to negotiate. I’d be satisfied with a regular office.
Haley: BELKAR!!
Belkar: OK, OK, just a cubicle, then.

0522
We're Doomed If She Finds the Map Key
Belkar, Haley, Mr. Scruffy, Tsukiko, Wright

Belkar: Check it out: no shoes! Looks like someone wants to be just like the Belkster when he grows up.
Haley: Less unchecked ego, more running. The secret door is right down this alley.
Belkar: That’s your secret door?!?
Haley: Yeah, of course. Why do you think they mark them on maps that way? Hey, Roy. Hope you don’t mind sharing the cart for a bit. OK, we’re set. Close the door.
Belkar: Not yet, I’ve still got a few actions to take. Mr. Scruffy! Here kitty! I’ve got tuna treats!
Mr. Scruffy: meow!
Tsukiko: You little feline bastard, get back here! Cold Orb!! Damn it! Why did I prepare so many spells that need roll attacks?!?
Belkar: In you go, Mr. Scruffy. Oh, and hey, Tsukiko. On behalf of all the men in the city: Thanks for wearing a short skirt while flying. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Heh.
Tsukiko: I’ll give you something to think about, you triple-crossing hairy-footed pipsqueak who can’t even manage to get himself convicted of first-degree- Where the hell did they go??
Wright: Maybe they polymorphed into boxes, Mistress?

0523
Orders That Won't Stick
Niu, Haley, Slave, Belkar

Niu: Haley! Thank the Twelve Gods! I was getting worried. Where’s Isamu?
Haley: He didn’t make it. We need to hurry back to HQ before Thanh wakes up, too.
Slave: Thank you for rescuing us, miss. We are indebted to you and your cause.
Haley: You’re welcome. I only wish I could have done more to-
Belkar: HEY! Who gave you permission to speak? I want you three pulling the cart, and get two others to carry me, like on a litter or something. And get someone to fan me, preferably a chick. NOW, people! Move!
Haley: Belkar, what are you doing? These people have been worked half to death, they’re not going to carry you back.
Belkar: Haley, they’re slaves. You give them orders, they carry them out for you. That’s the simple elegance of enslavement.
Haley: They’re not YOUR slaves!
Belkar: You can have a few, too. There’s plenty to go around.
Haley: No, I mean they’re not slaves!
Belkar: I don’t follow. Look, you told me that the whole point of the mission was to get the slaves, right? And I thought, “Cool, I hate doing my own laundry.” And now we have the slaves, mission accomplished, three cheers for us. All I’m trying to do is use the slaves for their intended purpose, I fail to see the problem.
Haley: The problem is that the mission was to FREE the slaves, not transfer ownership!
Belkar: …Are you sure? Because I don’t see how that benefits me at all.
Haley: Belkar, since the only reason we have to lug Roy’s disgusting smelly corpse around is because YOU can’t travel more than a mile away from it without triggering that stupid Mark of Justice curse, why don’t YOU pull the cart?
Belkar: Uh, because we have slaves to do it? I mean seriously, Haley, try to think a little before opening your mouth.
Haley: They’re not slaves! NOT SLAVES! They are free! Free men, free women, free hermaphrodites if there are any here! They don’t have to take orders from me or you or anyone, they are free, free, FREE!
Belkar: OK, OK, calm down, I get it! You’re saying you don’t want any slaves for yourself, then. That’s cool, I’ll give yours to Mr. Scruffy.
Niu: Haley, why are you-
Haley: It’s just easier this way. Trust me.

0524
Pretender To the Throne
Male Cleric, Haley, Female Cleric, Belkar, Thanh

Male Cleric: Welcome back! You’ve done it again, Haley. The people of Azure City are in your debt.
Haley: Cool. I accept Visa and MasterCard.
Female Cleric: Oh! You’ve been injured!
Male Cleric: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Female Cleric: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Male Cleric: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Haley: Thanks, guys. But we’re got bigger problems than a few scratches. Thanh here has been Dominated by Tsukiko.
Female Cleric: Really? He hardly seems the sort to be into the type of-
Haley: Not that type of dominated.
Female Cleric: Oh. Haley, if we had access to 3rd-level spells like Dispel Magic, our food shortages would be easily fixable.
Male Cleric: We might have a scroll in the pile we salvaged from the temple, though…
Haley: No… if you do, save it. I just got another idea that might work.
Belkar: Yeah… kick that string’s ass, Mr. Scruffy.
A Short Time Later
Belkar: I feel ridiculous. How is this supposed to help?
Haley: I’ll explain later. OK, wake him up and then back off a good distance.
Male Cleric: Cure Light Wounds.
Haley: Hey, Thanh! Look! It’s your master, Lord Shojo!
Belkar: What?!?!
Haley: <whispers> Play along.
Thanh: Must… attack…
Belkar: Uh, yes! It’s me, Lord Shojo! Mr. Scruffy says don’t attack me. It would be wrong. Did I mention I have no weapons and am easily pushing 80 years old?
Thanh: Must… attack…
Haley: <whispers> Geez, could you at least TRY to sound a little more like him?
Belkar: <whispers> Why don’t we get the party bard to do it? Oh, right, he sailed away from your overly-critical fat ass. <normal> Uh… strike me down, and I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!
Thanh: Must… attack… …but… Lord Shojo… NO!! No, I cannot! To strike down my liege would violate everything I believe in! I should take my own life for even considering such an act!
Haley: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No need for that, it’s just Belkar. The spell’s all gone now.
Thanh: Yes… I feel my head clearing…
Male Cleric: Here, this way, Thanh. You need rest.
Thanh: Where did my shoes go?
Belkar: I have absolutely no idea what just happened here…
Haley: It’s easy. We used a loophole to break Tsukiko’s enchantment. Magic domination can be broken if the order if given against the subject’s true nature, right? And what’s the one act that we know-from direct empirical evidence-can cause a paladin to be stripped of his powers? Killing their defenseless liege lord! So it stood to reason that as such, doing so would be against Thanh’s true nature, and he would get a new saving throw. I’m just glad having the real Mr. Scruffy gave you such a good circumstance bonus to your Disguise check to look like him…
Belkar: I was BAIT?? What if he didn’t buy it? Or worse, what if he did but it turned out he was “Miko 2: Electric Bugaloo” and did the deed anyway?!? I could have been killed!
Haley: Yeah, I thought of that… But then I realized that you just proved that there’s plenty of room o the cart for your corpse. So I tried it anyway.
Belkar: Ha ha, very funny, Haley. But I know you wouldn’t let me get killed such to save some NPC paladin, just because he’s loyal and trustworthy and honest and- … Ah, crap.

0525
Look More Closelier
Roy, Eugene, Roy’s Archon

Roy: Heh heh, good for you, Haley. Take that little jerk down a peg.
Eugene: Are you done watching this complete waste of time yet?
Roy: “Waste of time”? Are we watching the same scrying pool? She’s raised an entire resistance movement pretty much on her own. Mind you, I really wish she had managed to find a cleric to raise me by now, but given her sharply limited resources, I think she’s doing pretty well for herself.
Eugene: She’s just frittering away a perfect opportunity! Xykon is right here, she should be trying to kill him!
Roy: She’s helping innocent people, dad. That’s never a waste.
Eugene: It is even she could help MORE innocent people by destroying one monster.
Roy: She’s a rogue. It’s not like she can Sneak Attack a lich with a bow. The arrow would go right through his ribcage.
Eugene: Funny, I seem to remember making a similar argument regarding swords once… How’d that end up working for you?
Roy: Well, it’s not going to matter in a few minutes anyway. That’s my corpse she’s pulling in the cart, and more importantly right now, my sword.
Eugene: Didn’t we just cover that a sword wouldn’t be enough?
Roy: She’d not going to swing it, Dad. It’s my sword, the Greenhilt sword. You told me it was the spiritual link-that you were able to appear to me in ghost form because the sword was whole. All we need is for me to pop down as a ghost, tell Haley where to find Durkon, and we can get this show on the road!
Eugene: Your dwarf friend is out at sea somewhere, how’s she gonna-
Roy: I’ll worry about that later. If she knows I can lead her to Elan, she’ll have reason to escape the city instead of waiting for them to come back. That alone will be progress. So quit your naysaying and tell me how to get from up here to down there as a ghost.
Eugene: Well, if you put it like that, it’s very simple. You need to look down into the scrying pool and concentrate on your sword.
Roy: OK, I’m concentrating.
Eugene: No, Roy, you really need to absorb the scene. Notice every detail.
Roy: OK, I’m absorbing it all.
Eugene: No, Roy, you really need to focus on-
Roy: I’m focused already! Now what?
Eugene: Now this. Summon Boot!
Roy: GAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Eugene: Ha! Now who’s been taken down a peg?
Roy’s Archon: *sigh* It’s opportunities like this that really make me miss having feet.

Also, if anyone sees any errors, please tell me!

RMS Oceanic

2008-10-25, 02:47 PM

Sorry it took me so long, got caught up in work, but here's 401-450!

As for the name issue, I just labeled NPCs Soldier #1, Hobgoblin #2, Paladin #3 as and when it was necessary.

401-4050401
Breakfast of Champions
Rooster #1, Rooster #2, Roy, Hotel Staff, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Haley,
Roy, Hotel Manager

Rooster #1: ****-a-doodle-doo!
Rooster #2: You're not my real dad.
Roy: Oh, man! That was just fantastic. I don't think I've ever felt more
rested. Hmmm, I can never remember if the big boot goes on the left or
the right... I swear, between standing watch, nightly visits with my
Dad, and my time with Celia, I can't remember the last time I got a full
night's sleep in a bed. Not that the Celia part was at all bad. Or
entirely in a bed, for that matter. Heh. OK, seriously, Roy, rest time
is over. We've been dragging our feet for too long, it's time we finally
got something accomplished!
Hotel Staff: Joining us for breakfast, sir?
Roy: Absolutely.
Hotel Staff: Right this way. Watch your step.
Durkon: Hasn't tha Charm Person spell worn off Belkar by now?
(D): Hasn't the Charm Person spell worn off Belkar by now?
Vaarsuvius: Yes. Yes, it certainly has.
Belkar: Mmrmmph!
Haley: I'm glad I can finally speak again, so that I can tell you how
good you look in your new clothes.
Elan: Really? 'Cause I had to steal them after I broke out of prison.
Haley: My gods, that makes them even hotter!
Hotel Manager: Sir, we've checked three times. There are no magical
portals under your bed that lead to an alternate universe where
long-running subplots get resolved.
Roy: No, no, see, this IS the alternate universe, I need to find the way
back home to the real world. Actually, wait - never mind, stop looking.

0402
Speaking From the Heart
Roy, Vaarsuvius, Belkar, Durkon, Elan, Haley

Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, did you just spontaneously switch to speaking
Elven or something? Because it sounded like you just said, "And then
Elan easily bested Nale in swordplay," but that's obviously not what you
meant.
Vaarsuvius: As much as it strains credibility, it is true. While I did
not witness it myself, Miss Starshine confirmed that his performance was
quite unexpectedly proficient. Nale was able to escape amidst some sort
of confusion, but the most timely arrival of Master Thundershield and
myself set things aright.
Roy: So what happened between Elan and Haley? They were all over each
other throughout breakfast.
Vaarsuvius: On that subject, my data is admittedly far less concrete.
Suffice to say that I believe her attraction to our friendly bard has
been acknowledged - by both of them - and heartily reciprocated. I
further surmise that Miss Starshine's return to the ranks of those
capable of using language is tenuously related to these events, though
the exact details elude me.
Roy: So now, what, they're boyfriend-girlfriend? Like THAT won't be
weird?
Vaarsuvius: Apparently. As you saw, they left the breakfast table with
great haste, as if they could not bear to wait to be alone.
Belkar: Wooooo! Somebody look up the Armor Class on the Beast with Two
Backs! Awww, yeah!
Durkon: An' he wonders why we consid'red keepin' 'im gagged...
(D): And he wonders why we considered keeping him gagged...
Elan: I was surprised by how much I missed you...I never thought we'd be
separated like that.
Haley: It's been so long since I could speak to you. I was beginning to
think you'd never hear my words again.
Elan: I was scared of what Nale might do to you. It made me so mad to
think of him putting his hands on you.
Haley: I was so scared that you would leave without ever hearing how
much you really mean to me.
Elan: All that's over now, though. We're together again, and we're gonna
have so much fun!
Haley: Things will be different now, sure, but some things never change.
Elan: Let's never be apart again.
Haley: Would you like to hear a lullaby? I know how it helps you sleep.

0403
Leadership Is About the Tough Decisions
Hinjo, Roy, Guard, Belkar, Elan, O-Chul, Shojo, Mr. Scruffy

Hinjo: Morning!
Roy: Hey, Hinjo.
Hinjo: What brings you to the castle today? I didn't even know you were
still in town.
Roy: Here to see your uncle.
Hinjo: Ah, of course. This would be about what's been going on with your
imprisoned friend, Belkar, right?
Roy: Uh...maybe. Why, what's going on with him?
Hinjo: The guards tell me he's been on a hunger strike. He hasn't eaten
one bite since we locked up three weeks ago.
Guard: Please, just eat something.
Belkar: Forceful assertion of open resentment toward authority.
Guard: Help me help you!
Belkar: Please view accompanying hand gesture. That Belkar. As stubborn
as he is stone cold sexy.
Hinjo: Uh, right. Anyway, if you could find time to talk to him, that
would be great. He may be a prisoner, but we don't want him to starve.
Anyway, have fun, I'm needed out by the front gate to the city. Some
jackass pirate buzzed the walls and took out three catapults.
Elan: I'm sure whoever it was had a really good reason and is really,
really sorry.
Roy: Hey, we're here to see Lord Shojo. We're his 10 o'clock.
O-Chul: I'm sorry, Lord Shojo is not to be disturbed right now.
Roy: But we have an appointment! Check the list.
Belkar: Look under "Order of the Stick and mysteriously cloaked stranger
who is totally NOT a Halfling on stilts."
O-Chul: Be that as it may, Lord Shojo is unavailable. There is an
unexpected situation that requires his immediate attention, and a
difficult decision that needs to be made. He requested that all visitors
be turned away until the current emergency has been resolved.
Roy: What sort of emergency? Could we help?
O-Chul: I assume whatever it is to be of critical importance and dire
urgency if he is-
Shojo: Now come on, Mr. Scruffy, you need to choose. Do you want yummy
chicken liver, or a scrumptious tuna feast?
Mr. Scruffy: Meow.
Shojo: Tuna it is.
O-Chul: *sigh* Crisis averted. You may enter.
Roy: We've never met before, and yet I feel an odd spiritual kinship.

0404
A Paladin's Duty
Elan, Haley, Shojo, Roy, O-Chul, Mr. Scruffy

Elan: ...but it would be much better if you could hold them in those
fancy anti-magic cells you got.
Haley: Oh, but you might want to put better locks on the cell doors. The
ones you have can be picked. I mean, theoretically.
Shojo: Very well. In return for your service, Elan, I will imprison your
twin brother and his two minions.
Elan: Great! Durkon and Vaarsuvius are guarding them back at the inn.
Haley and I can show you where.
Haley: Not that I, nor anyone I know can pick a lock.
Roy: Both of you need to show them? Ugh, don't tell me you two are going
to stop at the inn to fool around before coming back?
Haley: OK. We won't tell you.
Shojo: O-Chul! Come in here for a minute?
O-Chul: Am I to fetch the catnip, Master?
Shojo: Don't be silly, it's far too early in the day for that. Follow
this lad back to his inn and bring the prisoners he has there to the
anti-magic cells.
O-Chul: As you command, Master. Shall I inform the magistrate, so that
their trial can be scheduled?
Elan: Trial??
Shojo: Oh, no, no need for that. Come to think of it, there's no need to
write their names down in the prison records either. I don't anyone
knowing that they're even here.
O-Chul: Uh, sir...no disrespect intended, Master, but I am not certain I
am entirely comfortable with what-
Shojo: Look, O-Chul, I have two tasks that need to be completed. One
involves three prisoners whose very existence is now a state secret. The
other involves cleaning up what came out of my cat's butt this morning.
And Mr. Scruffy had a very upset tummy last night, didn't he? Didn't he?
Mr. Scruffy: meow...
O-Chul: My dignity may be at -9 hp and bleeding, but I have to draw the
line somewhere.
Elan: <whispers> do you want to tell him about Thog's "accident" or
should I?

0405
The Secrets
Roy, Shojo, Belkar, Hinjo, Miko

Roy: So, not that Nale doesn't deserve to be locked up pretty much
forever, but doesn't it worry you that your guy there seemed kinda upset
about the whole "indefinite imprisonment" thing?
Shojo: Hmmm? Oh, yes, well, O-Chul can be like that.
Roy: Really? Gosh, a paladin is curious about whether the laws are being
upheld? Who'd guess?
Shojo: Don't get preachy, kid. You and your "Order of the Stick: are in
just as deep as I am.
Roy: Hey, you're the one swindling your own followers. It doesn't affect
me one way or the other. Oh? Two words: Your trial. You were found
innocent of weakening the fabric of the universe primarily because I
went through a lot of trouble to stage a fake trial for the paladins.
Heck, I even went so far as to have the verdict handed down by your own
father! If you want to have a Lawful-to-Lawful conversation with O-Chul
about the applicability of the laws of Azure City, be my guest. I don't
think it will end well for you, though.
Roy: OK, OK, geez! I just don't want us to get careless. Try ratcheting
down the paranoia a little there...
Shojo: Paranoia? I rule a city where I have to fake senility just to
avoid being assassinated. I took Improved Paranoia like 5 levels ago.
How about your, Belkar? And complaints to lodge about how I handle my
paladins?
Belkar: Dude, you order paladins to clean the litter box. You're like,
my idol.
Shojo: Hmmmm. That's not exactly reassuring. So, are you ready to head
out to check Girard's Gate yet?
Roy: Well there was the issue of the dead wizard you threw at me.
Shojo: Oh, right. The clerics should be on their way there now to raise
him. Remember, whatever you learn at Girard's Gate, you cannot tell any
of the paladins. Not even my nephew.
Roy: Blah, blah blah, crazy oath forbids anyone in the Sapphire Guard
from doing exactly what you hired us to do. Got it.
Shojo: Hey, a pointless promise by a guy who's been dead for decades may
not mean much to you or I, but it means a lot to the paladins, so try to
remember. Don't let me down, Greenhilt. I went through a lot of trouble
to get you here to Azure City behind the collective backs of my loyal
paladins...I'd hate to think all those perfectly good lies were for
naught.
Hinjo: Did you-
Miko: I heard.

406-4100406
A Moment of Truth
Hinjo, Shojo, Roy, Belkar, Miko

Hinjo: Uncle. Is this true? Have you been lying to us?
Shojo: Hinjo?? What are you doing back here so soon?
Hinjo: I was at the gate when Miko returned, insisting to speak with you
immediately. Now answer my question, please.
Shojo: Uh, Mr. Scruffy says-
Hinjo: Drop the act and answer the question!
Shojo: Well, it all depends.
Hinjo: On what could it possibly depend?
Shojo: On how much you just overheard. Did you come in before or after
the part about the oath?
Hinjo: I can't believe this! Were you ever going to tell me?
Shojo: At this point, I don't think it would matter if I said, "Yes."
Roy: I'm gonna suggest we try not to get too involved here.
Belkar: Oh yeah, total Prime Directive situation. Plus, it'll be more
fun to watch.
Shojo: Look, Hinjo, I value the paladins and their contribution to this
city. But you have to understand...in order to do what is best for the
entire city, I sometimes need to take...unpopular actions. Actions that
I know conflict with the paladin code.
Hinjo: And in those cases, the most expedient path is to simply not
inform us. The ends justify the means, is that it?
Shojo: Frankly, yes.
Hinjo: You have brought disgrace to our name, Uncle. I am glad Mother
did not live to see this day.
Shojo: Oh, grow up, Hinjo! My sister was the daughter of a great leader,
she would have understood all to well that I don't have the luxury of
putting Soon Kim's obsolete morality ahead of the safety of the city.
It's all well and good for you paladins to stick to your convictions,
but if I make a mistake, half a million citizens pay for it.
Hinjo: I'm not going to debate ethics with you, Uncle. You knew what you
were doing was wrong, or you wouldn't have hidden it so thoroughly. To
think of all the nights I prayed in the temple for you to recover from
your mental affliction. I guess my prayers must have been very powerful,
seeing as how they apparently cured you retroactively.
Shojo: Hinjo, please, I wanted to tell you about that, but-
Hinjo: Save it for the magistrates. It will be up to the courts to
decide what happens next.
Miko: Oh, Hinjo. The courts? You don't see it, do you? I remember the
day you chose me to come to the castle. I was still a child, but you
told me you saw power in me.
Shojo: Miko...
Miko: I cried the first night away from the dojo, but you came and told
me that the gods needed my strength. That now I served the gods, that we
did their work here. What I want to know is this: Had you already begun
to betray us the? Was even one word you ever spoke to me the truth?
Hinjo: Uh, Miko, I think "betray" is a little strong. He may have broken
our laws, but-
Miko: It's OK, Hinjo. I know you don't see the Big Picture here. Allow
me to show you. He has been playing both sides of the chess board, and
we have been pawns to be sacrificed. He's been laughing at us behind out
backs, making secret deals with mercenaries, ghosts, and murderers to
undermine the security of Azure City.
Belkar: Did she just call me a ghost?
Shojo: Miko, I admit I may have made some questionable choices, but it's
all been for the greater... Wait - security? What are you babbling
about?
Miko: Right now, less than a day's march away, the lich Xykon is leading
an army of tens of thousands of hobgoblins here to conquer us all!
Shojo: What?!?
Hinjo: Impossible! The early waning beacons-
Miko: -were destroyed, one by one, before any warning could be sent.
Convenient, no? Of course, you already knew that, Shojo, because you're
working with HIM! Greenhilt! And we all know that he's working for
Xykon!
Roy: I am??
Belkar: Oh, man, have you been holding out on me? Because seriously, if
you've been Evil this whole time-
Roy: You're accepting as credible a theory that came out of Miko's
mouth.
Belkar: Oh. Right.
Miko: I heard what you said before we entered. You think the paladins
are a nuisance to you, and justice an inconvenience.
Shojo: Sure, it would be easier to rule if I didn't have to clear
everything with the paladins, but that's-
Miko: How much easier, then, if you could rule the city directly with an
iron fist - an army of hobgoblin soldiers standing at the ready to
exterminate your enemies among the nobles? Remove us paladins and what
would there be to stop you?
Shojo: What are you implying?
Miko: I imply nothing! I state openly that you, Shojo, have committed
treason against Azure City by conspiring with the Order of the Stick,
known of minions of Xykon, to first deceive and then destroy the
Sapphire Guard!
Belkar: Damn it, I get left out of the loop on everything!
Roy: We didn't actually do that, Belkar. It's like she has that Monk
class ability that lets you jump as far as you want, only for her, it
applies to conclusions.
Shojo: Miko, I have worried about your stability before, but this is too
mach. You can't really believe that, can you?
Miko: I have heard the proof with my own ears. You stood here and asked
a vile assassin like the Halfling whether he approved of your actions.
Shojo: Good gods, they can teach you how to detect Evil, but not
sarcasm??
Miko: Your deceptions are now exposed! You have lied to us for the last
time!
Hinjo: Whoa, whoa, Miko, let's calm down here. We officially don't have
time for this anymore. Look, we have the magistrates place Shojo under
arrest. Like, maybe AFTER the giant unstoppable invasion force of Pure
Evil is dealt with? Call me wacky, but that seems like the more pressing
issue on the table now.
Miko: Unacceptable. Everyone in this room but you and I are agents of
Evil, whether or not their alignment registers as such. They have
already rigged one trial, we cannot take the chance that they do so
again.
Hinjo: Miko, listen to me. This is a very serious charge, and I think we
should take time to consider it properly.
Belkar: Yeah, to consider all the ways you've fallen completely off your
rocker.
Roy: You're not helping
Belkar: Didn't think I was.
Miko: NO! No more compromises, no more delays, no more backing down
before the battle is won! I see who the true enemy is now, and he has
been in front of us the entire time. Hinjo, I hope that someday you have
a spiritual awakening as I have had. A moment when you suddenly see
everything clearly and all enemies stand revealed. I prayed to the
Twelve Gods to reveal unto me all who betray us - and they delivered me
to the throne room doorway just in time to hear your uncle confess his
sins to his wretched accomplices. How could it NOT be a sign? The gods
have shown me the truth. Now the path is clear.
Hinjo: Miko, you're scaring me. The laws say-
Miko: The laws have no meaning! They were rewritten by the enemy himself
over his 47 years on the throne!
Shojo: Ugh!
Miko: Only Honor and the will of gods matter now! As the highest-ranking
paladin in the Sapphire Guard, I find you guilty of Treason!
Shojo: Everything I did, I did for my people.
Hinjo: MIKO! NO!
Roy: Oh. Oh crap.
Belkar: She wouldn't...

0407
Fading
Miko, Shojo

Miko: AAAARRGGHH!!!
Shojo: It appears...not everyone agrees with your...analysis.

0408
Fallsville, Population: 1
Belkar, Hinjo, Miko, Roy

Belkar: YOU KILLED THE WACKY OLD DUDE WITH THE CAT?!?!?
Hinjo: Uncle!!
Miko: I don't...I don't understand!
Belkar: I mean, I actually LIKED that guy! He made fun of Roy right to
his face!
Roy: Remember when I suggested that we not get involved? Change of
plans. Let's get involved.
Belkar: As much as it gives me the tingles when you go all badass, I
can't really help you there, Roy. No thanks to you, I still can't
inflict wounds inside the borders of a city, remember? Unless you're
suggesting that I tackle her with my imposing 3'2" physique. Because a
defensive back, I ain't.
Miko: How could this happen? It all made sense, for the first time in
years. The gods showed me his treachery...How??
Roy: Here's a thought: Who the hell cares? All that matters to me right
now is that you just killed the only other person who was actively
trying to fix this stupid end-of-the-world thing. Which means I am
kicking your Fallen ass RIGHT NOW!
Miko: Aaaaah!! YOU! Of course! It's all YOUR fault!
Roy: Yeah, I should never have said, "Kill your master," when we were
playing Truth or Dare. What was I thinking?
Miko: You tricked me! You staged all of this so that I would strike down
my Lord!
Roy: Wow, Miko Miyazaki ignoring all possibilities in order to arrive at
a preconceived conclusion that happens to support her existing emotional
state. Who could have possibly seen THAT coming?
Miko: If I brink you to justice, the gods will see that I have always
been their servant.
Roy: You feel free to give that a try. Of course, the last two times we
fought, I was using a nonmagical club instead of my ancestral weapon.
Oh, and you hadn't bisected any unarmed octogenarians recently, so
that's changed, too.
Miko: No! This isn't fair! I have to... I have to think. I need time to
figure out what the gods want me to do next.
Roy: I can't believe I actually wanted to date you at one point. Can you
imagine that relationship? "Honey, we're out of milk." "Clearly, that
means the gods want me to kill you!" Slash! Slash! Slash! On the other
hand, maybe all of this could have been avoided if you had just managed
to get laid once in a while. You can't even tell me you'd be this
tightly wound if you were receiving Treasure Type O regularly. Although
which paladin they'd have to draft into that duty- UGH!
Miko: STOP TALKING!
Roy: Whoa... How'd she get the room to spin like that? Must be a Monk
thing... Aw, man, she's getting away! Belkar, stop her!!!
Belkar: You know, Roy, I was just thinking. You and Shojo are pretty
smart guys, right? So maybe the "Mark of Justice" is just an illusion,
and it's all a trick to keep me in line. You know, make me think I'll
become incapacitated if I attack so that I'm too scared to ever try it,
but I can't ever find a way to get rid of it because it's not really
there. I'm just bringing this up because if that's the case - now might
be a good time to let me know. No, really, Roy, now's the time. Roy?
Crap.

0409
Intercession
Miko, Belkar, Hinjo, Roy

Miko: At least I will be able to finally execute you for your crimes
before I leave.
Belkar: Funny, I always figured I'd be killed by a paladin.
Miko: DIE!
Hinjo: No.
Miko: You would stand between me and this evil murderer?
Hinjo: I'll stand between any two murderers I wish, thanks.
Belkar: Oooo, burned!
Roy: Hinjo, I've-
Hinjo: Stay out of this, Roy. We need to talk this out, not batter it
into submission. Both of you, stand aside.
Belkar: Hey, don't feel bad, Roy, I thought you were awesome. "Treasure
Type O"...heh heh heh.
Roy: ...Shut up.
Hinjo: Now stand down, Miko. You're under arrest.
Miko: But- But the Halfling is far worse than-
Hinjo: He's under arrest, too. Belkar is an accused murderer - emphasis
on "accused" - and will be put on trial for such. Because we have the
rule of law in this city, and the rule of law says you don't get to kill
people because they happen to do something wrong.
Miko: Then arrest Greenhilt as well! The Order of the Stick did this, I
am sure of it!
Hinjo: Oh? Explain how.
Miko: ...I don't know! But they tricked Lord Shojo into saying those
things!
Hinjo: Miko, even if Roy planned an executed an elaborate scenario where
he managed to manipulate Shojo into admitting to crimes of which he was
not guilty - which I find highly unlikely - his hands were still not the
ones on the sword that sliced through my uncle. Yours? Were. To my
knowledge, Roy hasn't actually done anything wrong other than breaking
an oath he never made. And maybe enjoying the beating he just gave you a
little more than is entirely healthy.
Miko: But...he was in league with Shojo! They were working together
to...to...
Hinjo: I thought you just said Roy tricked Shojo?
Miko: He did!
Hinjo: Listen, Miko. I heard the same things you did, and I managed to
restrain myself from executing my liege. Isn't it worth considering that
maybe you made a bad judgment call here? It happens. They wouldn't have
an Atonement spell if it didn't need to be used once in a while. Now
come on, Miko. Let me worry about Roy now. It's over. Give me your
katana.
Miko: I'm so...confused...
Hinjo: You'll have time to pray to the gods for guidance.
Miko: NO! I will not submit to your tainted courts!
Hinjo: AAAA!
Miko: The gods have a plan for me, I know it! I am special, the most
powerful paladin In the Sapphire Guard! They wouldn't do this to ME
without a reason, I just need to figure out what it is!
Hinjo: Geez, are you even listening to yourself anymore? You've lost it,
Miko! Stop this and come along quietly, and perhaps the gods will
forgive you some day.
Miko: Step aside, Hinjo! Allow me to pursue the holy plan the gods have
for me.
Hinjo: I'm pretty sure their plan involves a 10x10 windowless cell with
a bucket for a toilet.
Miko: You may be the second most powerful paladin in the Guard, Hinjo,
but you know you are still no match for me in battle. Do not force me to
kill you!
Hinjo: Why not? At least I won't have to listen to this garbage you call
logic.
Miko: As you wish, then. We duel in silence!
Roy: Oh, screw this! Oh, I'm sorry...id NOW a good time for battering
things into submission? I just want to be clear on the rules here, since
I'm just a big dumb fighter.

0410
The New Lord in Town
Azure City Priest, Belkar, Hinjo, Roy

Azure City Priest: Resurrect! I am sorry, Lord Shojo, perhaps you did
not hear me properly. I said, "Resurrect!" Lord Hinjo, I do not
understand. The spell is functioning properly, but he does not return to
us.
Belkar: Well, duh!
Hinjo: Explain. Now.
Belkar: The spirit need to be willing to return, right? But Shojo is
kicking back in whatever afterlife the Chaotic Good people get -
probably sipping single-malt scotch and smoking cigars rolled from
poorly-worded legal documents. Why the hell would he want to come back
here, knowing that you're waiting to throw him in prison? Considering he
was like a billion years old and likely to die soon anyway, I'd say he
got the last laugh on all y'all.
Hinjo: He's probably right...It looks like I'm on my own, then.
Roy: Not entirely. If you would be willing to accept my help.
Hinjo: Maybe... Don't get me wrong, I am NOT happy about the fact that
you were working behind my back. But if you had Azure City's downfall at
heart, it would have been easy enough to stand by and let Miko kill me,
keeping your hands clean. The fact that you jumped in to save my life
means a lot. Besides, I have to rally to defend this city to defend
itself in less than a day. I'd have to be a fool to refuse the help of
the only man I know to have fought this enemy and lived. You know, when
all the nobles hear that Shojo is dead, it's going to rip the city
apart. He's kept them in check for almost 50 years now.
Roy: He always worried about assassins...do you think they'll try to
kill you?
Hinjo: Oh, definitely. Nothing says, "Condolences on the loss of your
uncle," like a ninja death squad in the night. Luckily, I have an idea
of where I can hire the perfect bodyguard.
Roy: Whoever you get to do it, they're sure going to have their hands -
Aww, crap, it's me isn't it??
Hinjo: Heh. Well, you've already proven yourself capable of the job's
primary function.
Roy: That's not exactly the type of assistance I had in mind.
Hinjo: OK. But if I get killed before Xykon's army attacks, the city
will have no leader and thousands will likely die in the confusion. So,
you know, it's your call, Roy.
Roy: *sigh* Fine, I'll do it. But that was low for a paladin.
Hinjo: You're obviously not familiar with one of our key class
abilities: Summon Conscience.

411-4150411
The Power Behind the Throne
O-Chul, Roy, Belkar, Hinjo

O-Chul: I believe Mistress Miyazaki is properly secured for transport. A
terrible shame, if you ask me. She was our finest warrior.
Roy: You're not going to try to escape on the way to the prison tower,
right?
Belkar: I considered it, but decided I'd never be able to forgive myself
if I missed the chance to see Miko waking up in a jail cell.
Roy: Hey Hinjo, we're ready when you are.
Hinjo: OK. I'm ready, the damage appears to be mostly superficial.
Roy: Doesn't that just figure? You finally get to sit in the big chair,
and someone goes and rends it nearly in twain first.
Hinjo: Oh, I'm not complaining. If Miko had leaned a few inches to the
left, we'd all be screwed. Well, more screwed.
Roy: Heh, how could we possibly be more... Wait, what are you saying?
Hinjo: The five Gates were built around natural breaches in the Snarl's
prison. Those breaches varied widely in size, from the largest breach in
the Redmountain Hills...to the smallest breach, in the skies above Azure
City. It was so tiny that Dorukan and Lirian were capable of using a
single gemstone to seal it. The throne, the platform, even this entire
castle was built around that single sapphire. Soon didn't pick the name
"Sapphire Guard" out of a hat, you know.
Roy: So who's the genius that decided that your ruler should sit on top
of the god-eating monstrosity, anyway?
Hinjo: Soon again. By putting the Lord of the City in the same room as
the gate, no one would question why the tower was so heavily defended.
Personally, I think he also liked the idea that the Lord of the City
would be reminded of what was at stake every time he sat down. I mean,
my uncle literally had the Snarl looking over his shoulder every day.
Roy: Couldn't we just move the gem? Use it to lure Xykon away from the
city, maybe?
Hinjo: Won't work. The gem seals the Gate. Move it, and you risk opening
the-
Belkar: NO!!
Roy: What? What is it? Did she get loose?
Belkar: If she lost all of her paladin powers...then I'll NEVER get to
kill that horse of hers!!!!
Roy: Oh, you've got to be kidding me...
Belkar: Well gosh golly, Roy, I'm so sorry everyone else's stunning
revelations aren't story-based enough for you. "Whine, whine, whine, I'm
Roy and I want more plot points!" We can't all be the straight man, you
know! Some of us tell jokes for a living!

0412
Catching Up
Haley, Elan, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Hinjo

Haley: Wow...so can you guys believe Miko flipped out like that??
Elan: Yup.
Durkon: Sadly, aye.
(D): Sadly, yes.
Vaarsuvius: I find it to be entirely in keeping with what I know of her.
Haley: No, no, I mean, did you expect her to flip out in that exact
manner?
Elan: Oh! No, not at all.
Durkon: Nay.
(D): No.
Vaarsuvius: I find it to be entirely in keeping with what I know of her.
Durkon: An' it could nae come atta worse time, wit' Xykon tha way!
(D): And it couldn't have come at a worse time, with Xykon the way!
Elan: Yeah...by tomorrow, we'll all be swimming in hobgoblins. Not
literally. I hope.
Vaarsuvius: Oddly, it was quite serendipitous that Elan's brother
enacted his circuitous plan to destroy Elan at that precise moment...or
we would have found ourselves investigating lands on the far side of the
globe when Xykon invaded.
Haley: Oh, definitely. In reward for his efforts, we've given him the
best, safest view from which to watch the coming battle.
Elan: You mean the prison tower we just threw him in?
Haley: Exactly! You know, I'm not worried about the hobgoblins. Roy and
Hinjo and all the generals are meeting in an hour to come up with the
big battle plan, I'm sure they'll come up with something good. Tell you
what, I'll let you guys know what they say.
Elan: You have an invitation to the War Council?
Haley: Nope, but I do have a maxxed bluff skill that's been burning a
hole in my pocket for six weeks.
Durkon: 'Tis a shame aboot Belkar tho...they coulda used ev'ry
high-level warrior they could get thar hands on right now.
(D): It's a shame about Belkar though...they could have used every
high-level warrior they could get their hands on right now.
Haley: Well, Roy said to me that he had an idea to fix that, but I'm not
sure what-
Hinjo: Hey, I'm sorry, guys? Guys, I apologize for interrupting. I
totally understand that things are moving pretty quickly, and it helps
to talk things out so that you and your friends are on the same page.
However, be that as it may - we're kinda in the middle of something
here.
Haley: <whispers> Boy, you give a guy a crown and it goes straight to
his head.
Elan: <whispers> Where else would a crown go?
Haley: <whispers> Shush.

0413
Not to Scale
Sangwaan, Hinjo, Chang, Roy, Haley, O-Chul, Lizardfolk #1, Lizardfolk #2

Sangwaan: In the first few hours since we learned of the threat, we
diviners have done our best to scry the invading army. Most of our
divinations have been blocked so far, but we have been able to glean
some basic information. The enemy army seems to have at least 30,000
soldiers. Predominantly hobgoblins, and zombies, plus a few siege
engines. Right now, they are camped 8 miles northeast of the main gate
of the city.
Hinjo: They should be here in the morning, or by midday at the latest.
General Chang, what's our troop disposition?
Chang: We have no more than 9000 soldiers within the city limits or
close enough to recall in time. Swordsmen, pikemen, and archers, mostly.
Though few have ever seen a real battle. We're going to station most of
them here, on the city wall, to repel the invaders.
Hinjo: Um...why does this model have Azure City being guarded entirely
by reptilian humanoids?
Chang: Well, we were in a rush, so we used these prepainted plastic
miniatures, Lord Hinjo. We kinda had to make due with what we got. We
didn't even get any human archers, and we opened 30 booster packs. The
lizardfolk are the archers, the yuan-ti are the pikemen and the kobolds
are the swordsmen.
Hinjo: And those hobgoblins down there are the hobgoblins?
Chang: No, sir, the bugbears are the hobgoblins. The hobgoblins are the
zombies.
Hinjo: Please tell me that our chances of victory are better than the
chances of finding the right miniatures.
Chang: The hobbo's have us outnumbered 3 to 1, but the defensive
fortifications can't be underestimated. Call it an even fight.
Hinjo: An even fight...except for all the undead.
Roy: Zombies? Really? I mean, unless a Michael Jackson video erupts
right in the middle of our war, I don't really expect them to do much
more than shuffle around. Even green troops should be able to handle
them as long as they have a slashing weapon armed.
Haley: And all your lizard guys have those little battleaxes, so they're
fine.
Hinjo: They don't have battleaxes, because they're not lizardfolk!
They're archers!
Haley: Oh, right, I forgot. You should really have them, like labeled or
something.
Hinjo: Look, forget about the zombies, they don't worry me...ghouls do.
One ghoul can paralyze a dozen 1st-level fighters over the course of a
battle. And we think they have a few hundred ghouls. Sangwaan, how many-
Sangwaan: 314.
Hinjo: ...How did you know what I was-
Sangwaan: You were going to ask how many clerics we have that are
capable of turning undead.
O-Chul: Yeah, but the real question is-
Sangwaan: 249 of them are 3rd level or lower.
O-Chul: I'm over here.
Hinjo: OK...assign one low-level cleric to each squad on the wall.
Chang: Yes, sir. We'll use...let's see...troglodyte miniatures to
represent the clerics, then.
Haley: Geez, so they have a chick who can read minds, but she can't find
the figures they want in a sealed box...
Hinjo: Their job is to turn undead and heal the soldiers, nothing else.
If their position is overrun, have then fall back and join another
squad. I don't want anyone trying to be a PC out there. The higher level
clerics - along with any arcane spellcasters we have - should stay back
here, on the castle, where they can see the whole battle. I guess we'll
use this guy in the robes with the dragon head for them.
Haley: Ooo, that's a half-dragon sorcerer. Can I have that after the
meeting?
Roy: Haley!
Haley: What? It's a rare, I can get 30 gp for it.
O-Chul: And the paladins, Lord? Many are away, but there are at least
100 of us here.
Hinjo: The newbies should stay behind the wall, to defend the citizens
in case they breach it. The rest...you know where they should make their
stand.
O-Chul: Yes, my Lord. We will gladly lay down our lives in defense of
the tower. Would you prefer to represent our sacrifice with the red
dragon hatchlings, or the fiendish boars?
Hinjo: *sigh*
Lizardfolk #1: Damn it, more human archers??
Lizardfolk #2: Keep looking, there's got to be at least ONE lizardfolk
in there.

0414
Noble is Goodble
Hinjo, Lien, Chang, Roy, Kubota, Xykon, Redcloak, Noble #1, Noble #2

Hinjo: Lien, I want everyone who can't fight loaded onto a ship tonight.
Too old, too young, too sick, too weak.
Lien: Sir, that will be thousands. Tens of thousands, maybe more.
Hinjo: Commandeer any private ship you can. Dump any cargo that's not
food. Have them sail at dawn - if all goes well, they can come back in a
few days.
Chang: A few days? What if the army lays siege, it could take months!
Roy: It won't. Xykon has no interest in the city itself, and he's not
terribly patient. He'll try to seize what he wants as soon as he
possibly can.
Kubota: Wait - if we KNOW what this guy wants, why don't we just give it
to him??
Hinjo: Daimyo Kubota, I can assure you it's not that simple.
Kubota: I don't see any reason why it shouldn't be exactly that easy.
Look, "Lord" Hinjo, I know this is your first day on the job and all,
but it seems to me that you are rushing this city into a war we don't
need to fight and may not win. I propose we send a diplomatic envoy to
this Xykon and see if we can't agree to terms.
Hinjo: That's not really viable.
Kubota: Maybe it would be for a man with a little more leadership
experience... Someone like myself, perhaps...
Roy: Step back, Mustache Lad. You know, this isn't some band of
disgruntled peasants upset about the latest tax hike. You can't come to
terms with an inhuman soulless corpse animated by pure evil. Xykon cares
for nothing but your complete and total-
Xykon: YAHTZEE! Yes!
Redcloak: Sir, shouldn't we be planning for tomorrow's battle?
Xykon: Feh, you're just mad because I keep winning fair and square.
Redcloak: Yes, you've figured me out, my desire to formulate a basic
strategy for impending invasion is solely because I am unable to roll
five of a kind.
Roy: -destruction.
Kubota: Yes, well, then I see no reason to send my forces into a
suicidal battle when other options have not been explored. My samurai
and men-at-arms will join me on my personal ship with as many members of
my house as I can fit.
Noble #1: Indeed! My forces will not participate, either!
Noble #2: May the Twelve Gods forgive you if Azure City falls while
under your rule, Hinjo!
Hinjo: Well THAT could have gone better. Of course, men like Kubota
don't care if the city falls or not, as long as he comes out of it with
his power intact. Now that they know what we're facing, they'll wonder
of the whole thing could be avoided if I suddenly joined my uncle in the
afterlife. I suspect they will move against me shortly...
Roy: I concur.

0415
Idiot Box
Xykon, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, TeeVo, Hinjo, Miko, Samwose,
Frudu

Xykon: Hey, I know how to stop your whining! Let's fire up the crystal
ball and scry on our unwitting mole. That's sort of like strategy.
Redcloak: I suppose.
Monster in the Darkness: We have a mole? Can I pet it?
Redcloak: Wait, shouldn't there have been someone watching the crystal
ball all along? The likelihood that she will be standing next to the
Gate at the exact moment you scry is pretty low.
Xykon: Relax, I know. That's why I bought a TeeVo.
TeeVo: TEEVO!
Xykon: I set it to record everything the paladin chick did since we let
her escape. How does this remote work... There we go!
Redcloak: Uh, who's that guy?
Xykon: Oh, right. It does that sometimes. I told it to record a paladin,
and it decided to record other paladins it thought I might enjoy
watching. I haven't figured out how to turn it off. Heh heh... I'll save
this one to watch later. OK, here we go. There's our unlucky lady.
Hinjo: Miko? What's wrong?
Miko: Hinjo, I must speak with Lord Shojo at once, I bring dire news.
Redcloak: Looks like she just got to the city. Fast forward it. Sir, I
think she's entering the throne room...press Play.
Xykon: Who's the other guy?
Redcloak:
Xykon: Damn it!
Redcloak: The throne room must be shielded against scrying...
Xykon: Well didn't YOU turn out to be a waste of money. Now where did I
put that receipt?
TeeVo: Teevo?
Redcloak: Hey, it's back!
Hinjo: -City. It was so tiny that Dorukan and Lirian were capable of
using a single gemstone to seal it.
Redcloak: What happened to her? She's all beige now.
Monster in the Darkness: I know! Murky and Lurky must have stolen her
colors!
Redcloak: For the last time, those characters exist only in Rainbow
Brite cartoons!
Monster in the Darkness: ...and in my heart.
Xykon: Quiet, both of you! Listen to the man speaking off-camera:
Hinjo: The throne, the platform, even this entire castle was built
around that single sapphire.
Redcloak: The Gate is inside the throne of the Lord of Azure City.
TeeVo: Teevo!
Monster in the Darkness: Gate?
Samwose: Frudu, we must destroy the Ming!
Frudu: I'm too weak, Samwose!
Xykon: What the-?
Redcloak: I think it recorded the location of other plot-central
artifacts you might also enjoy.
Xykon: Oooo, does it know where my receipt is?

RMS Oceanic

2008-10-25, 02:49 PM

416-4200416
It's Battlicious!
Redcloak, Medusa, Xykon, Demon Roach, Hobgoblin #1, Hobgoblin #2

Redcloak: Sir, that's it. I'm afraid I'm going to have to put a stop to
your "Blind Date" marathon.
Medusa: I don't know...he was cute, but he seemed really stiff the whole
date...
Xykon: You have one round to make this worthwhile, or I push the
"Eviscerate" button on TeeVo's remote.
Redcloak: Here is what I'm offering: Talk about strategy with me for ten
minutes, and this hobgoblin will hit the other hobgoblin in the face
with a banana cream pie.
Xykon: Eh, seems kind of tame...
Redcloak: <whispers> They don't know that I infested the pie with
acid-spitting beetles.
Xykon: Let's talk tactics.
Redcloak: I've prepared this map of Azure City. As I see it, we have
superior numbers and tougher soldiers...but they have more mid- and
low-level spellcasters and impressive fortifications. I was considering
sending all of our troops here, towards the castle, since that's our
true goal. What do you suggest as our best plan of action, Lord Xykon?
Xykon: Oh, sorry, I just fell asleep right in the middle of that.
Redcloak: You're a lich, you're physically incapable of sleeping.
Xykon: Which should just emphasize how boring that was. Look, we have a
big frickin' army, they have a castle. It seems pretty straightforward
to me. It's not even like we want their crummy city anyway. It's
probably like sanctified or something. Ew. The only reason you and I
aren't just sneaking in and grabbing the stupid thing is that it can't
be moved, and they're likely to get upset if we loiter in their throne
room for the few weeks it will take to complete the rituals.
Demon Roach: Have you considered asking nicely?
Xykon: So I say we march up to the city walls and start blasting away!
Redcloak: Oh, very good, sir, should I begin painting the bullseye on
you right now, or would you prefer to- Thank you, sir. I think I know
how to distribute the troops now.
Xykon: Whuh? Oh, well, you're welcome. Glad I could help.
Redcloak: If you'll excuse me, I need to speak with the legion
commanders now.
Xykon: Aren't you forgetting something?
Redcloak: Oh, right. Do it.
Hobgoblin #1: AAAH! Beetles! And they're spitting acid in my eyes!
Hobgoblin #2: Gah! Now they're spitting acid in MY eyes too!
Xykon: Ha ha ha ha, it's funny because it's true...
Redcloak: Don't go anywhere, I've still got a coconut custard that has
"siege engine disposition" written all over it.

0417
The Most Important Place to Be
Haley, Soldier, O-Chul, Elan

Haley: Hey, I've got a few special packages for Hobgoblin Ass, could you
ladies deliver them for me tomorrow? Try not to kill all of them before
I get a chance to fight, though.
Soldier: Wow...I wish I was so confident?
Haley: Heck, why shouldn't you be? You're a tough fighter chick, right?
Soldier: Actually... I've never been in a battle before.
Haley: Well, I'm not worried. Me and all my friends have beaten Xykon
before, we'll do it again. You just chill out and leave the heavy
fighting to us!
O-Chul: Excuse me. You know, this isn't just your adventuring party
squaring off in a level-appropriate encounter. This is a war. There are
likely to be significant casualties. We're outnumbered 3-to-1,
outmatched, and suffering from severe moral problems - thanks to the
fact that Lord Shojo died under circumstances that we can't share with
the troops. This is hardly the easy victory you just implied.
Haley: I'm sorry, but they're 1-HD hobgoblins. I think each soldier can
handle 3 of them.
O-Chul: Right, because the forces of evil are always considerate enough
to attack in discrete 3-person groups. I'm sure they'll pause for tea
and biscuits and 4 o'clock, too. Let's say your Armor Class is so high
that they need a natural 20 to hit you. Statistically, that still means
that one out of every twenty attacks is hurting you. If each hobgoblin
gets off 4 attacks before you can put them down, then for every 5 foes
you face tomorrow, you'll be stabbed once. So what are you going to do
if the entire army attacks, say, the south wall? Can you survive
fighting 100 hobgoblins until we can reinforce your position? How about
200? 2000?
Haley: I guess I never thought about it...
O-Chul: Most of our soldiers are not that experienced. Even if we hold
the city tomorrow, it may be the last night alive for many of those
girls you just told to "chill out". It might even be the last night for
you, or one of your friends. This isn't the dungeon. In a war, people on
the winning side still die. You might want to consider taking it
somewhat seriously.
Elan: I thought you were going to spend the night helping Roy prepare
for the battle?
Haley: I had a...change of priorities.

0418
It's a Type of Boat
Hinjo, Lien, Roy, Soldier, Belkar

Hinjo: Lien, have all the ships launched?
Lien: That was the last wave. All have launched save this one, Lord
Hinjo.
Hinjo: There's not even anyone aboard yet... What's going on here?
Lien: Sir, this was Lord Shojo's personal pleasure yacht, though I
suppose it belongs to you now. This is your junk
Hinjo: But why aren't there any citizens aboard it yet?
Lien: Your uncle was a very private person, sir. He forbade anyone from
touching his junk.
Hinjo: Well, that ends now. My uncle may have kept his junk to himself,
but my junk will be for the people! Are there still evacuees waiting to
board a ship?
Lien: Oh, yes, sir, I imagine I'll have no trouble finding people to get
aboard your junk. It should be able to hold many passengers.
Hinjo: I agree, my junk appears to be quite long...
Roy: Wider than I would have expected, too.
Hinjo: Very well. Lien, you hold my junk here until it is fully loaded.
Lien: That could take some time, Lord Hinjo.
Hinjo: I don't care how long it takes, I don't want my junk to launch
prematurely. Now, did you deliver that package for me?
Soldier: Yes sir, I handled you package personally.
Hinjo: Outstanding.
Belkar: I sense a great disturbance... As if a thousand double entendres
cried out, and were suddenly silenced...

0419
A Special Pre-Approved Offer
Belkar, Miko, Unknown, Sabine, Nale

Belkar: Rise and shine, honey! You don't want to be late for your first
day as an imprisoned criminal.
Miko: Whuh...where am I?
Belkar: You're in jail.
Miko: What?
Belkar: You know, the slammer, the pokey, the big house, the hoosegaw,
the clink. You're in a dungeon, and not the kind with inexplicably paced
monsters and enormous piles of treasure. Ladies and gentlemen of maximum
security, may I present paladin-turned-murderer Miko Miyazaki. Miko just
committed her very first evil act, so let's all give her a round of
applause.
Unknown: Woooo! Good job!
Miko: I'm going to kill you, Halfling.
Belkar: And she's already working toward her second, what a go-getter!
Sabine: Oooo! You're a fallen paladin?
Miko: No.
Belkar: Are you kidding? She fell so hard, I think she left cracks in
the floor.
Sabine: Hey, so, you know the Lower Planes are always looking for
ex-paladins to become Blackguards, right?
Miko: Leave me be, fiend.
Sabine: Come on, it's not like those paladin levels are doing much for
you now. Plus, for a limited time, we're offering 5000 gp cash back on
qualified level trade-ins.
Nale: Sabine, baby, not that I don't like to watch you work, but what
exactly are you doing? I'm not really seeing her as Linear Guild
material.
Sabine: If I turn a paladin into a Blackguard, I win a free weekend
getaway at a great resort in the Astral Plane. All expenses paid, and
seriously, baby, you should see the pools in this place. Besides, Nale,
look at that body! Mmmmm! You can't tell me she wouldn't look sexy in
black leather.
Miko: Excuse me?
Sabine: Well, I mean, there's friendly contact with an evil outsider...
And then there's "friendly contact" with an evil outsider. Know what I
mean?
Miko: Come here.
Sabine: Aww, see? I knew she'd be- Fine, be that way. But if you decide
to sell your soul later, I can't guarantee that I'll pay full market
value.
Miko: Duly noted.

0420
The Trial of Belkar Bitterleaf (Abridged)
Hinjo, Soldier #1, Soldier #2, Belkar, Thief Guy, Tsukiko, Kidnapping
Guy, Roy

Hinjo: This is it?
Soldier #1: All the prisoners that were in the jail that were over 5th
level except-
Soldier #2: -except those in there for a capital crime, like treason.
Soldier #1: <whispers> Why didn't you tell him about the three prisoners
that weren't on the jail records?
Soldier #2: <whispers> Lord Hinjo has too much to worry about right now
without hearing about prison bookkeeping errors. It can wait.
Hinjo: Good morning. As some of you may already know, Azure City is
being threatened by an invading army of Hobgoblin soldiers and their
undead allies. I have just received word that this army is on the move,
and should be here in a few hours. All of you are guilty of crimes
against Azure City and its citizens...ranging from Grand Larceny...to
Unnatural Acts of Wizardry...to Kidnapping...to Voluntary Manslaughter.
Belkar: Manslaughter? I thought I was going down for at LEAST Murder 2!
This'll wreak havoc with my street cred...
Hinjo: You are all also fairly high level in your chosen classes. And
right now, your city needs all the high-level characters it can muster.
We are willing to reduce your prison sentence by 5 years if you
contribute to the defense of Azure City by helping defeat the invaders.
If you accept, your sentence will be reduced after we drive off the
hobgoblin horde. Or, you can refuse, and pray to the Twelve Gods that
their catapults don't hit the prison tower while you're still locked
inside. Either way, this offer expires in five minutes. I've got too
much to do to wait for your decision.
Thief Guy: Yeah, OK. I'm in.
Tsukiko: I suppose.
Kidnapping Guy: Not me. I've got 14 years left, I'll take my chances
that the goblins plaster ya.
Hinjo: Belkar? What about you?
Belkar: Well, I'm no legal expert, but I'm pretty sure I haven't
actually been convicted of anything.
Hinjo: That's a good point. Very well, I'll summon the guards to take
you back-
Roy: No, wait! He pleads guilty!
Belkar: Gah! What? No, I don't.
Roy: Yes, you do.
Belkar: No, I don't!
Roy: Yes, you do! Look, I'm the one who talked Hinjo into reducing the
charges to manslaughter, since you were imprisoned falsely by a ruler
acting outside the bounds of the law. Now, the minimum penalty for
manslaughter in Azure City is four years in prison. Now do you see where
I'm going with this?
Belkar: ...No.
Roy: *sigh* You plead guilty, get sentenced to four years, then defend
the city, we kick Xykon's ass and you sentence gets reduced by five
years.
Belkar: How the hell do I serve -1 years in prison?
Roy: You don't, you idiot, you get set free!
Belkar: Oh, I get it. OK, then, I plead guilty.
Hinjo: Very well. Since we don't have a magistrate available, it falls
to me to pass sentence. Belkar Bitterleaf, for the crime of voluntary
manslaughter, I sentence you to spend a term in prison equal to - six
years.
Belkar: What??
Roy: Ah, crap.
Hinjo: Yeah, well, you probably shouldn't have discussed how you're
going to beat the system in front of the guy charged with upholding the
system. I still get to make Listen checks when I'm three feet away, you
know. However, I'll make you a separate deal, Belkar. If you help defend
the city, I'll have my Wizards remove that mark of Justice from you
afterwards.
Belkar: Uh, hello? I was getting that taken off now anyway. My trial is
over.
Hinjo: Nope. Because, see, Azure City doesn't use the Mark of Justice as
part of its legal system. That was strictly the act of my uncle, working
above the law. Therefore, technically, I'm not legally bound to EVER
remove it from you. However...when Miko was charging at you, swords
drawn, you stood there and blocked her path, even though you were almost
certainly going to be cut down. That says to me that perhaps your time
with the Mark has taught you something about yourself. That maybe,
you're a better person than before it was put on you. I figure that if
you acquit yourself well in this battle while still under the Mark's
influence, then you deserve the chance to prove it.
Belkar: I am so confused...
Roy: He's doing it because he thinks that you've learned your lesson,
and with my guidance, you'll stop resorting to violence to solve your
problems.
Belkar: Ohhhhh. I get it. So, he's doing it because he doesn't really
know me at all, then.
Roy: Pretty much.
Belkar: Cool with me. Let's go massacre something.

421-4250421
Oratory of the Stick
Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Sangwaan, Hinjo, Elan, Roy, Haley, Soldiers, Soldier

Belkar: How did you ever get so many Potions of Heroism?
Vaarsuvius: Do not ask.
Sangwaan: Sir, the enemy will be within sight in about an hour.
Hinjo: Good. This waiting is just making everyone tense.
Elan: Awww, come on, Roy! You didn't let me do a preparation montage,
you have to at LEAST let me do the big pre-battle speech!
Roy: No. No way, no how. Just no.
Elan: But it's a bardic rite of passage.
Roy: Well, you will have to pass your bardic through some other rite,
then.
Elan: I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm just going to have to go
over your head on this one.
Roy: How can you go over my head? I'm the leader-
Elan: Hinjo, can I give a rousing pre-battle speech to the troops?
Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on top???
Hinjo: Sure.
Elan: HA!
Roy: Fine, as long as no one comes crying to me when-
Elan: HA!
Haley: Good luck, honey!
Elan: Thanks! I have a really good feeling. Friends, Azurites,
countrymen, lend me your ears. Not literally, because ewww. I mean, that
would be disgusting. And messy. And since you'd just be lending them,
we'd have to figure out how to reattach them all, and that'd be a lot of
work. Today, we stand here on the wall, preparing to defend this city
from the forces of evil. And probably chaos, too. We few, we happy few,
we band of brother. And sisters. Definitely also sisters, they are part
of the band too. I think they play drums. A day may come when the
courage of men (and women) fails, when we forsake out friends and break
all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. And if the battle lasts
through tomorrow, it's not that day either. It may or may not be the day
after that, I'm not sure. Still too early to tell. But in case it's not
that day, or it is that day, but the battle is already over so it
doesn't matter, I want you to remember this: No one ever won a war by
dying for their country. They won making the other guy die for his
country. Which still applies even though hobgoblins don't live in
countries. They live in caves, I think. So make them die for their
caves. Which, admittedly, sounds a lot less heroic than dying for your
country. But today will be the day when Azure City declared in one
voice, "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish
without a fight!" And the fact that it rhymes does not make it any less
true! We'll stand here together and tell our enemies that they may take
our lives... But they will never take our freedom!
Soldiers: *Lots of assorted cheers*
Elan: Unless... Unless they kill us, then animate our dead corpses as
zombies to fight for them. Then I suppose they've taken our lives, AND
our freedom. Fight, fight, fight, fight the-
Soldier: You suck!

0422
March to War
Soldier #1: Oh, man, I do not like this.
Soldier #2: I think I see them.
Soldier #3: Yup, that's them.
Soldier #4: There's so many...Crap, are those flying troops there? Oh,
this sucks!
Soldier #5: You know, I heard Shojo was in league with the hobgoblins,
so they took him down.
Soldier #6: Well, I heard that Hinjo went nuts and killed the old man
himself, just so he could seize power.
Cleric: *sigh* Politics as usual.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Oh, man, I can't wait!
Hobgoblin #1: I know! We're finally gonna get to fight the humans!
Hobgoblin #2: I am totally stoked, guys.
Hobgoblin #3: You know, at first, I wasn't so sure about this goblin as
a leader, but this is just awesome.
Hobgoblin #4: Yeah, any leader who'll let us invade a city and crush it
beneath our heels is OK in my book.
Zombie: brains
Hinjo: Roy, I have some last minute orders for you. When Xykon shows
himself, you and your team go after him. You're high enough level to
stand a chance, and you've fought him before.
Vaarsuvius: Protection from Arrows!
Hinjo: Don't worry about guarding me. You see him, you get to him and
eliminate his ability to participate in this battle.
Roy: Oh, no problem. I was pretty much gonna do exactly that anyway.
O-Chul: Lord Hinjo, are you sure this is wise?
Eye of Fear and Flame: Excuse me, uh, Redcloak? Can I just get a minute?
Redcloak: No.
Eye of Fear and Flame: Great. So, are you certain this plan you've got
going is a good idea?
Redcloak: Yes, for the one billionth time, I am certain. Now stop
bothering me, we're ready to start.
Eye of Fear and Flame: It's, uh... it's just this plan doesn't really
seem that conducive to my long-term well-
Demon Roach: Make love, not war! Infernal hippie.
Redcloak: Listen to me, you whiny crybaby sack of undead crap, you are
going to do exactly what I tell you to do, or I will rebuke you into
next week.
Eye of Fear and Flame: OK! OK! Sorry! Sorry!
Hinjo: If Xykon doesn't fall, there's not much chance of us winning
this. A sorcerer that powerful doesn't engage opponents, he alters the
course of entire battles. We need him down, quickly. Roy and the rest
can worry about whether he regenerates after the army is beaten.
O-Chul: I meant, are you sure it's wise to allow them autonomy?
Shouldn't they remain under our command for the entire battle?
Hinjo: Adventurers, O-Chul. They work better on their own. Let Roy fight
his war, and you and I will fight ours, yes?
O-Chul: Yes, my lord. I go to defend Soon's Gate.
Hinjo: May the Twelve Gods go with you.
O-Chul: If I do not see you again in this world, we will share a drink
in the next.
Redcloak: Wow...that was surprisingly therapeutic.
Monster in the Darkness: Did you- I mean, you just- I can't believe you
just said that to Xykon!
Redcloak: Sorry, I really don't have time for you right now.
Monster in the Darkness: But- but- I'm so confused!
Redcloak: I've been dreaming of this day for two-thirds of my
life...when I would stand at the gates of Azure City with enough force
to crush every last paladin into thick red gooey paste.
Hobgoblin #5: Order, Supreme Leader?
Redcloak: <whispers> This one's for you, Mom. <normal> Fire the
catapults!

0423
Periodic Bombardment
Soldier #1, Soldier #2, Hobgoblin General, Redcloak, Demon Roach

Soldier #1: Incoming artillery!
Soldier #2: What? Already?
Hobgoblin General: Supreme Leader, should we not have waited until we
were closer? Those boulders will not reach-
Redcloak: I appreciate your input, General, but since I didn't fire
boulders, your concern is unwarranted. Boulders don't do enough
collateral damage for our needs. You fire them once, then they're done.
That's why I summoned up a few elemental draftees to help us out.
Soldier #1: What the...?
Soldier #2: Move! Move!
Hobgoblin General: Wait, are you saying that you just fired five Earth
Elementals out of catapults at them???
Redcloak: Don't be ridiculous. Earth Elementals are way too heavy,
they'd never fly that far. I fired five Titanium Elementals at them.
They're just as strong and 40% lighter. What? Hey, it's not my fault
everyone else limits themselves to four elements. Some of us got passing
grades in Chem. I mean, Fire shouldn't even count. It's a chemical
reaction. They're not called "Reactionals," you know.
Demon Roach: He besieged me with SCIENCE!

0424
A Wizard's Work
Hinjo, Vaarsuvius, Roy, Soldier #1, Soldier #2

Hinjo: ...Twelve Gods! They're tearing up the walls! What are those
things?
Vaarsuvius: Titanium. Very distasteful. Does he not know that the
classical elements are classics for a reason??
Hinjo: Their weapons are barely hurting it!
Roy: Let us handle it. Durkon, Haley, and Elan, you take the one on the
right. Belkar, we'll take the one in the middle.
Vaarsuvius: Then I suppose that I shall "handle" the three on the left.
Roy: What? No, it's too dangerous, we'll fight them after-
Vaarsuvius: Fret not, I purchased a few scrolls that shall do the trick.
Roy: Vaarsuvius! VAARSUVIUS!
Vaarsuvius: Time is at a premium, precluding extended discussion.
Expeditious Retreat! I fully expected to use these on demons, but
elemental interlopers will suffice. Dismissal! DISMISSAL! DISMISSAL!
Feather Fall!
Soldier #1: Hey, thanks, friend!
Soldier #2: I thought those things were gonna kill us.
Vaarsuvius: Think nothing of it. I merely exercised one of the oldest
truisms in warfare. "Paper beats rock."

0425
War Makes Boys of Us All
Belkar, Haley, Elan, Roy, Hinjo, Soldier, Hobgoblin, Thief Guy

Belkar: Look, it's not MY fault I can't remember if elementals are
"living" or not!
Haley: I hope Vaarsuvius is OK...
Elan: Wooo! We kicked their shiny metal asses!
Roy: Too little, too late, I'm afraid. They ripped some major holes in
the wall before we beat them.
Hinjo: Agreed. It would have been much worse if not for you, but Xykon
won this round my weakening our fortifications.
Soldier: Sir, we have archers incoming.
Hobgoblin: FIRE!
Elan: But I don't want to fight in the shade!
Roy: Elan, get down! I said, GET DOWN! GAH!
Soldier: ARCHERS! RETURN FIRE!
Thief Guy: So, uh...you doing anything after the war, gorgeous?
Haley: I have a boyfriend.
Elan: Roy, you saved my life! You took an arrow for me! Three arrows!
Roy: Let the regretting begin. Listen, I didn't save your life, I saved
you from three arrows. That's like, one healing potion, and it would
have been a waste of resources to use it up. It's pure numbers, nothing
more.
Belkar: Yeah, but...now you need to drink a healing potion. So it's the
same waste of resources, the only difference being that you felt the
pain instead of Elan.
Roy: What's your point? What?
Elan: You like me! You liiiiiiiike me!
Roy: What? No I don't!
Elan: Roy likes Elan!
Roy: Shut up!
Belkar: Roy and Elan, sittin' in a tree-
Roy: SHUT UP!

426-4300426
Three of a Kind
Soldier, Chang, Vaarsuvius, Hinjo, Roy, Eye of Fear and Flame, Elan,
Death Knight, Durkon, Redcloak, Hecuava, Sangwaan, Belkar, Haley,
Monster in the Darkness

Soldier: They're moving in, Sir.
Chang: Prepare to hold this breach at all cost, men.
Vaarsuvius: You may consider all of my spellcasting services at your
disposal, General. I do not believe I have the luxury of returning to my
assigned position before the enemy is upon us.
Chang: We'll this hole in the wall?
Vaarsuvius: Not exactly, but I do have an idea...
Hinjo: They're splitting into three groups now...one is headed to the
south end of the wall. The second appears to be charging directly
towards the breach in the north. The remainder of the forces are hanging
back to protect the archers and catapults.
Roy: OK, is Xykon leading any of the three groups? We should attack
whichever army he's with, while your forces hold off the rest.
Hinjo: Ummm...yes. Yes, it seems so. He appears to be leading the
southern division.
Eye of Fear and Flame: Hey, so, guys? Maybe, I was thinking, you could
sort of form like a shield around me while we advance? Just a
suggestion.
Elan: Are you sure? Because he's also leading the charge toward the
breach! Straight at Vaarsuvius!
Death Knight: The ground will hungrily lap up the spilled blood of the
righteous this unholy day!
Durkon: Aye, but if tha be Xykon... Then who be tha holdin' position in
tha rear?
(D): Yeah, but if that's Xykon... Then who's that holding position in
the rear?
Redcloak: Interesting... Greenhilt is here, with his Order of the
Stick...
Hecuava: Who?
Redcloak: Never mind.
Roy: Wait - three Xykons???
Elan: This can only mean one thing - They're identical triplets!
Identical skeletal triplets, the rarest kind!
Roy: Or that two of them are decoys.
Elan: Right, or that.
Hinjo: The question is, which two? Sangwaan, cast True Seeing. Which
ones are illusions?
Sangwaan: I cannot tell, Lord Hinjo. My True Seeing spells do not have
sufficient range from this position.
Elan: Ooooo! Does one of them have a goatee?? Because if so, that's the
bad one!
Roy: Elan, I think maybe it's Quiet Time while the grown-ups think, OK?
Belkar: Here's an idea: Who the hell cares?? Let's just fight them all!
Roy: Oh, great. Tell me, then: which one first? They're so far apart
that if we choose the wrong one, by the time we engage and defeat the
decoy, the real Xykon will have blown through Azure City's defenses like
a crossbow bolt through a wet character sheet It will take too long to
get from one end of the city to the other, and we're the only ones with
a chance to actually defeat him. Wait, Hinjo! Did you ever raise that
wizard your uncle sent with us to Cliffport? The one who could cast
Teleport?
Hinjo: When did you go to Cliffport?
Roy: ...Damn.
Hinjo: The nobles probably employed a few wizards who could teleport,
but if they did, they took them with them out to sea.
Roy: Great. So there's no way out of it, we have to pick one to fight.
Haley: We need to help Vaarsuvius! Xykon's nearing the breach!
Roy: Unless that's a decoy, in which case it's smarter to leave V to
handle it alone. Either way, we need to choose soon...
Eye of Fear and Flame: *gulp*
Death Knight: CHARGE!!
Hecuava: Did they take the bait yet?
Redcloak: No, they appear paralyzed with indecision.
Hecuava: Meh, that works, too.
Monster in the Darkness: Xykon is a triplet??

0427
They're Just Another Brick in the Wall
Vaarsuvius, Chang, Soldier

Vaarsuvius: Truly, it is a poor omen when elves are doing stonemasonry.
Chang: Wizard, I need to speak with you. Is it true that you asked my
captain to only stand these 13 pikemen in the breach?
Vaarsuvius: These are your best soldiers, are they not?
Chang: Yes, they're all 5th level, but-
Vaarsuvius: And they each imbibed on of the potions I gave you?
Chang: Yes, but-
Vaarsuvius: Mass Bear's Endurance! Mass Bull's Strength!
Chang: Now look here! It doesn't matter how many of you magical bonuses
you pile on, a dozen or so men cannot hold this gap! The enemy will
simply run right over them!
Vaarsuvius: General, you may have noticed that my explanations tend to
consume more time than my plans themselves. Given that time is a factor,
I simply say that it is imperative that you not send any more troops
into the breach now.
Soldier: The enemy is 180 feet away and closing fast, general! 120 feet!
60 feet! Here they come!
Chang: That's it! Captain, advance another 50 soldiers into the-
Vaarsuvius: Mass enlarge person!
Chang: ...Oh.

0428
It Takes a Thief
Roy, Haley, Hinjo, Belkar, Sangwaan

Roy: OK...the Xykon on the horse is almost to the breach, that means
we're out of time. We're going to risk splitting the team up. We'll
ignore the one in the rear, since it's not attacking yet. Belkar, Elan,
join Vaarsuvius. Durkon, Haley and I will take the one to the south.
Hinjo, if the one in the rear moves, send-
Haley: WAIT! Stop! I've got it!! It's a shell game. You know, like they
set up on street corners? Three nutshells, a ball, they mix them up and
you pick one?
Roy: Yes, I know what a shell game is, Haley. It's just that you're not
telling me anything I don't already know. Two of the Xykons are fake, we
need to figure out which ones.
Haley: No, look, it's a swindle! At its most basic, the shell-
Hinjo: Do you have some information regarding which Xykon is the real
one?
Haley: No - gah! You're now - gods, it's frustrating how Lawful you
people are! I know everyone got in the habit of ignoring the gibberish
that was coming out of my mouth, but you need to listen to what I am
saying. Roy, Hinjo, you two may know warfare - but *I* know how to run a
con. A con man doesn't choose to play the shell game with you if there
is any possibility of him actually losing. The con isn't in getting you
to pick the wrong shell. The con is getting you to accept that the basic
premise of the game is still being followed. The con is in getting you
to pick a shell at all. The ball isn't under the first shell...or the
second shell...or even the third shell. The ball is in the con man's
palm the whole time.
Roy: Wait...I think I get it...Haley, you're a genius!
Hinjo: I don't. Can someone explain it to me?
Roy: Bottom line: none of the Xykons we see are "real". Why should they
give us a 33% chance to pick the right one when they can give us a 0%
chance? If they can create two decoys, why not three?
Hinjo: Are you certain?
Roy: No. But I trust her gut.
Haley: A ruse that relies on the target's innate acceptance of the rules
presented to him? Against a league of paladins? Easy money.
Hinjo: Let's say you're right...where's the real Xykon now?
Haley: Someplace...else. Someplace where we can't see him, probably
making a beeline for the throne room.
Roy: He could be anywhere.
Haley: Yeah, but for maximum effectiveness, he'd be in the last place
we'd expect.
Roy: Where's that?
Haley: Don't know. I'm not done expecting other places yet.
Belkar: Hey, is there any chance we can hurry this up? "It's Pat" is
already fireballing hobgoblins down there, and me, I'm just standing
around here freezing my considerable assets off in this wind.
Roy: Keep it down, Belkar, this is more important than complaining about
the...wind.
Hinjo: Sangwaan! Cast your spell now!
Sangwaan: Yes, Lord Hinjo.
Haley: And look UP!
Sangwaan: True Seeing! Oh... Oh my.
Hinjo: Well?
Haley: Do you see anything?

0429
Stay on Target...
Sangwaan, Belkar, Durkon, Haley, Thief Guy, Roy, Elan, Hinjo, Zombie
Dragon, Xykon

Sangwaan: He's coming straight at us!
Belkar: Crap, he has Invisibility?? Crap, he has Greater Invisibility??
Durkon: Na fer long, he don't. Greater Dispel Magic! Thor's nostrils...
(D): Not for long, he doesn't. Greater Dispel Magic! Thor's nostrils...
Haley: Is that a freaking DRAGON?
Thief Guy: I shoulda stayed in jail.
Roy: I wasn't...I wasn't expecting that.
Elan: Wow, that is so cool...
Hinjo: I don't mean to be an alarmist, but he doesn't look like he's
slowing down.
Haley: I don't think we had any effect on it! I freaking hate Damage
Reduction.
Roy: That's OK...I have a weapon right here that can hurt it AND it's
master. It just needs to get...a little bit...closer...DIE!!! (AGAIN!)
Zombie Dragon: rrrrrr!
Xykon: What the-? Man, that was weird. I wonder if I should buzz the
walls again before I head off... Ah, what the hell, you only unlive
once. I should probably stay away from that guy with the green-hilted
sword, whoever he is.
Haley: He's coming back for another run - but higher this time.
Roy: Damn it! Where is the wizard with a Fly spell when you really need
one?
Belkar: Hey Roy, I've got the next best thing: My Ring of Jumping +20.
Take it and get all up in his business.
Roy: Really?
Belkar: It's not doing me any good. But hurry, the bastard is on his way
back right now.
Haley: You're attacking Xykon alone? Have you gone mad?
Durkon: Spell Resistance! Freedom of Movement!
(D): Spell Resistance! Freedom of Movement!
Roy: You saw, no one else's weapons could penetrate their undead flesh.
They're vulnerable to the starmetal. Without V's spells, this is out
only chance to take him out.
Elan: Good luck!
Roy: Tell Haley to hold the walls until I get back! The hobgoblins are
getting ready to scale them!
Belkar: Pay up.
Thief Guy: Damn, I was sure he'd be too smart to try that jump.

0430
Rematch
Xykon, Roy, Samurai

Xykon: Unholy crap!!
Roy: Remember me, Xykon?
Xykon: No. Should I?
Roy: What?? You stupid-!!
Xykon: Hey, hey! Quite scratching up my ride! You wouldn't believe why my insurance premiums are on this thing are. Here's a little something I learned lasst niht watching "Star Trek" on the TeeVo: Evasive Maneuvers!
Roy: Whoa! Whoa! Oh, gods...I shouldn't have had sushi or breakfasst. I think I'm gonna be sick...
Samurai: We may die today, men- but at least we die with HONOR!
Roy: BLERRRRCH!
Xykon: Aww, feel better now? Here, let me lend you a hand.
Roy: No thanks.
Xykon: How about just a finger, then? Finger of Death, specifically.
Roy: GAH!!! Oh my gods, I am so going to crawl up there and kill you.
Xykon: You might want to work on your build optimization on the way up, Baldy. Hey - wait a second. I know who you are now!
Roy: Yeah, damn straight you know who I am.
Xykon: You're that guy! The one who kept getting pissed off at me for not remembering - something.
Roy: GODDAMN IT!

RMS Oceanic

2008-10-25, 02:50 PM

431-4350431
My Three Xykons
Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, Demon Roach, Huecuva

Redcloak: Typical. Ten minutes in, and he's already managed to put his foot into a big steaming pile of adventurers.
Monster in the Darkness: So Xykon is actually a quadruplet?
Redcloak: If I continue to ignore you, you're going to pout inane observations about this for the rest of the war, aren't you?
Monster in the Darkness: Probably.
Redcloak: Fine. After I talked about strategy with Xykon - or should I say, at Xykon - -I got all of the monster books together and looked up some undead that were skeletal and free-willed. I made three that fit the bill well enough. A death knight. A huecuva. And an Eye of Fear and Flame. Though I think I got a little too much "fear" and not enough "flame" on that one.
Demon Roach: "For Mature Audiences." Oooooooo!
Monster in the Darkness: How did you get them to look exactly like Xykon?
Redcloak: I didn't. They're human skeletons, I put a blue robe on them and called it a night. Heck, I had to put those colored pendants on them just to tell them apart. The idea was, the real Xykon would sneak intoo the castle, kill everyone there and animate them as zombies. Summon a few monsters for flavor and boom, we've opened up a second front behind the defenders. It's all shot to hell now that they decloaked him, though. Oh well. You there, go ahead and take a few thousand troops to reinforcce your cowardly friend out there.
Huecuva: On it, chief! Protetion from Good! Divine Power!
Monster in the Darkness: WOW! I didn't know Xykon knew how to cast cleric spells, too!
Redcloak: What are you talking about? I just explained this, that wasn't really- Yeah, that Xykon sure is amazing, isn't he?
Monster in the Darkness: Do his brothers know he can do that?

0432
Let Slip the Dogs of War
Soldier, Chef, Hobgoblin #1, Hobgoblin #2, Hobgoblin #3, Hobgoblin #4, Elan, Hinjo, Belkar, Thief Guy

Soldier: Here they come! Dump the oil! Wait - was that oil hot?
Chef: No. Was it supposed to be?
Soldier: Why would you pour room-temperature oil down on our attackers?
Chef: Are you kidding? That was coconut oil!
Soldier: So?
Hobgoblin #1: Coconut oil???
Hobgoblin #2: Oh, man, that stuff is like 90% saturated fat!
Hobgoblin #3: But my doctor has me on a low cholesterol diet!
Hobgoblin #4: And heart disease runs in my family!
Elan: I can't believe that worked.
Hinjo: They'll be back once their leaders remind them that a diet high in soluble fiber - such as oatmeal - can reduce their cholesterol. That's why we need to get over there and reinforce them. Elan, Belkar, and...guy I let out of prison to fight. You're with me. Argent, I choose you!
Belkar: So HE gets to unleash the fury, and I get a friggin' wiener dog???
Thief Guy: Dude, there's no justice in the world.

0433
Resource Management
Hinjo, Elan, Thief Guy, Belkar, Soldier, Hobogblin General, Redcloak, Demon Roach

Hinjo: Good boy, Argent! Good boy!
Elan: Orange you sorry you decided to invade? Wow, it's fun being halfway competent!
Thief Guy: I wouldn't know.
Belkar: Duck. Duck. Duck. GOOSE! Duck.
Soldier: Lord Hinjo, there are so many of them. What do we do?
Hinjo: Just keep fighting! Make them pay for every inch. For every one of our soldiers who dies, make them lose ten. Or twenty! If we can inflict enough damage, they'll be forced to pull back to avoid taking more losses.
Hobgoblin General: Supreme Leader, the divisions scaling the southern wall are taking heavy casualties.
Redcloak: Send a squad of clerics to the south immediately!
Hobgoblin General: Verey good, sir. The extra healing may well turn the tide.
Redcloak: Healing? No, they're going so they can zombify our dead. We're the bad guys, remember?
Demon Roach: Oh man...I knew I shouldn't have invested all my money in that goblin life insurance company...

0434
Heavy is the Head
Roy, Xykon

Roy: What do you think of my new sword? You might be interested in knowing that it's shatter-resistant now, too.
Xykon: What's that supposed to- Hey, my crown!
Roy: Let go!
Xykon: I've been looking everywhere for thiss! I just assumed it was with my keys, wherever they are.
Roy: Hey! Give me that back!
Xykon: Let me think about that. ...No. You would not believe the trouble I went through to get this crown in the first place. I went to steal it from this librarian in Cliffport, and it turned out oops! He was also an archmage! Needless to say, hilarity ensued.
Roy: Archmage in Cliffport...Master Fyron? That's what you took from him???
Xykon: Yeah, that's the name. Man, I killed him good that day, heh heh heh.
Roy: I can't believe this entire stupid Blood Oath started over the same magic crown I've been wearing around my neck for months.
Xykon: Magic? This crown's not magic.
Roy: What? Then...why steal it? Why kill Master Fyron and his son for it?
Xykon: Well, because it looks cool, obviously. Here, check it out: Badass. REALLY badass. Am I right or am I right?
Roy: Oh my GODS, I hate you so much!
Xykon: Geez, calm down! What's it to you, anyway?

0435
Amoral Dilemma
Belkar, Thief Guy, Belkar's Evil Side #1, Belkar's Evil Side #2, Belkar's Good Side, Hobgoblin #1, Hobgoblin #2, Hobgoblin #3

Belkar: This SUCKS! All I want is for my daggers to be cutting into soft, yielding orange flesh. Shlubbo Noname-zaki here gets to kill hobgoblins, why don't I?
Thief Guy: Hey Belkar, wanna make 10,000 gp without lifting a finger?
Belkar: Can I say, "Yes," strongly enough?
Thief Guy: Keep an eye out while I get something ready over here.
Belkar: Whoa, is that what I think it is?
Thief Guy: Nice eye, yeah, this si the good stuff. High ave DC, Constitution damage, the works. Costs a bundle per dose.
Belkar: Sweet! But why waste such a beautifully lthal poison on a bunch of hobgoblins?
Thief Guy: I ain't shooting it at the hobgoblins, Belkar. I have a slightly more...regal...target in mind.
Belkar: Hinjo??
Theif Guy: Keep it down! This morning, right after we were let out, a messenger finds me and brings me to that noble, Kubota. He promises me 100,000 gp if I kill Hinjo furing the battle and make it look like an accident. I figure, some Sneak Attacks made with yellow-fletched arrows dipped in poison should do the trik. Even if he survives, it'll slow him down just enough for the hobbo's to finish him off. It's not my usual area of expertise, but sometimes, you gotta break outta your rut to get ahead in this world. Now let me know if any of the soldiers start looking over here.
Belkar's Evil Side #1: Dude! Ten grand just to watch while your new buddy ubs out that sanctimonious jerk? Can I get a "Hell yes!"?
Belkar: Hell, yes!
Belkar's Evil Side #1: Hinjo totally screwed you on that prison sentence thing, so now, it's payback time!
Belkar's Evil Side #2: Belkar, wait! Hinjo promised to remove the Mark of Justice once and for all after the battle. If he's killed now, you'll never be able to wantonly slaughter innocents again without worrying about whether or not you're standing in a city!
Belkar: Wait, isn't the second guy supposed to be, like, an angel or something?
Belkar's Evil Side #2: No, it's just the two of us and the slaad, and trust me, you don't want him to come out. The angel...doesn't work here anymore.
Belkar's Good Side: ...and he kept stabbing them, again and again... He's a halfling, he's supposed to be jolly... Why isn't he jolly? WHY ISN'T HE JOLLY???
Belkar's Evil Side #1: If Hinjo bites it, he can get someone else to remove the Mark.
Belkar's Evil Side #2: He hasn't been able to yet. What if there's some special thingamabob that only the king can remove?
Belkar's Evil Side #1: Magic doesn't work like that! I think. Crap, I don't know.
Belkar's Evil Side #2: See? Belkar, is it worth it to risk never being able to knife someonen in a tavern fight ever again?
Belkar: No, I... I don't know that I could live with that. Looks like I'm saving Hinjo's life.
Belkar's Evil Side #1: Hinjo got a cooler dog than you did.
Belkar: I'm gonna kill him myself!
Belkar's Evil Side #2: NO! You have a duty, Belkar. A duty to serve the Greater You. Saving a life, though regrettable, is a small price to pay for a whole lifetime of unfettered killing.
Thief Guy: Is anybody looking?
Belkar: No one.
Thief Guy: What the- What are you doing??
Belkar: Now leaving Azure City limits! THAT is for forcing me to perform a quasi-Good act! Gods, and to think, I bet on someone's life or death with you! Ugh!
Hobgoblin #1: Halt!
Hobgoblin #2: You're surrounded, halfling!
Hobgoblin #3: Throw down your dagger and surrender!
Belkar: Wow...this is a new experience for me... I've never had karma work in my favor before!

436-4400436
Non-Military Intelligence
Chang, Captain, Vaarsuvius, Wight, Death Knight

Chang: Captain, report!
Captain: So far, so good, General. We've lost three of the giant soldiers so far, but we now have a line of low-level clerics healing them every few rounds.
Chang: And the enemy?
Captain: Taking heavy casualties, sir, but they show no signs of slowing down the assault.
Chang: That's not a good sign. The hobgoblins I've fought have always been good soldiers... They wouldn't continue a tactic that was meeting with such failure.
Vaarsuvius: General, if I may? I think you are overestimating the intellect of these foul creatures. It is my belief that they are continuing to attack simply because they are not bright enough to devise a strategy of their own. There is no other logical explaination. I feel confident in stating that since the enemy has so far failed to field a credivle melee threat for your magically-enhanced soldiers, you should have o problem holding the breach for the day.
Wight: Sir, we finally have enough corpses to serve as a ramp for your horse.
Death Knight: THEN LET THE REAPING BEGIN!!

0437
Battle Momentum
Chang, Vaarsuvius, Death Knight

Chang: By the Twelve Gods, that thing just ripped through our front lines!
Vaarsuvius: Not to worry: while I have expended many of my area-effect spells, I did maintain a few single-target spells for ust such an occasion. Disintegrate!
Death Knight: Bwa ha ha ha!
Vaarsuvius: Thrice-cursed Spell Resistance! It's almost like the universe is trying to enforce some sort of arbitrary equality between those of us who can reshape matter with our thoughts and those who cannot.
Chang: Zap the horse, then!
Vaarsuvius: Why? It hardly appears to be doing that much-
Chang: So he can't use his Mounted Combat feats on us! Hurry!
Vaarsuvius: Oh! Disintegrate!
Death Knight: You try again? Your feeble magics cannot penetrate the unholy raiance of my dark power! I will feast on your entrails this day, elf! Your skill shall serve as my- Oh.
Vaarsuvius: W. E. Coyote's Law of Cartoon Inertia: "Objects in motion tend ot stay at the same altitude until gravity is noticed."

0438
The Paladin is Your Pal
Soldier, Elan, Hobgoblin #1, Hobgoblin #2, Hinjo

Soldier: How is your wizard doing? Are they holding the breach?
Elan: I don't know, but V is, like, super-powerful. I'm more worried about how I'm doing! I'm running out of puns! Uh...fangs for the memories?
Hobgoblin #1: Dude, you used that joke 3 rounds ago.
Hobgoblin #2: And it was a stretch then.
Hobgoblin #1: You should havev said, "I don't like those new-fangled swords you hobgoblins are using."
Hobgoblin #2: Or, "If we do not fang together, we shall surely fang apart."
Elan: Ooooo, that's good! Do you mind if I use that in another battle?
Hobgoblin #2: Considering that would imply you live through this one, yeah, I mind.
Elan: Eeep!
Hinjo: Is that a note?
Elan: Uh, no, sir!
Hinjo: What did I tell you and Miss Starshine about passing notes in my battle?
Elan: That we should be paying attention to who we're fighting.
Hinjo: That's right. Now hand it over.
Elan: Awwww...
Hinjo: You can get it back when I see you after the battle in my office. I mean, throne room.
Soldier: Ooooo, you are SO gonna get detention!
Elan: I hope he doesn't notify Roy...

0439
Seeing Orange
Belkar, Haley, Durkon

Belkar: I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!!!
Haley: So, do you want to be the one to tell him that he probably won't get any XP from any of them?
Durkon: Let's draw straws.
(D): Let's draw straws.

0440
Flew the Coop
Chang, Death Knight, Vaarsuvius, Blackwing

Chang: Surrender!
Death Knight: Burn.
Chang: You bastard!
Death Knight: Your wretched soul shall soon join those of your men.
Chang: You'll never take this city while I'm alive, monster!
Death Knight: Terms accepted. And now for you, elf. Your end is nigh.
Vaarsuvius: Indeed, I have proven quite unable to consistently overcome your spell resistance, leaving me but one tool at my disposal: My loyal raven familiar, who has, naturally, been at my side all along. Fly, uh, Bird-That-Miss-Starshine-Named! Distract the horrific undead warrior while I escape to safety!
Blackwing: Caw CAW! Caw caw caw, caw!
(B): Screw THAT! You're on your own, mammal!
Vaarsuvius: Cursed bird! I did not realize I accidentally selected "chicken" rather than "raven" from the list of familiars!
Death Knight: Choose your doom, then, chicken-mage: Original Recipe, or Extra Crispy?

441-4450441
Getting Ahead and Staying Ahead
Xykon, Roy

Xykon: I don't know about you, but I'm starting to wish there was a radio or something in this thing. All this flying around in circles is getting boring.
Roy: Maybe if you fought more and complained less you would... Wait - we're flying in circles?
Xykon: Ellipses, really.
Roy: We're headed back out toward the battlefield???
Xykon: Pretty much.
Roy: Land the dragon!
Xykon: Um, no.
Roy: Land it now, or I'll- I'll-
Xykon: Or you'll what? Hold your breath? Cry? Does littel fighty-wighty wanna cry? What the hell did you do that for?
Roy: Now you have to land the dragon, or it will keep flying forever and take us both away from the battle.
Xykon: Listen, genius, it's a freaking zombie. I control it mentally. It doesn't need ears to hear my commands or eyes to see where it's going. If I want it to turn left and then climb, it just does. Hell, even the reins were there just for show. So your big heroic display of defiance right there actually managed to accomplish no practical effect whatsoever. Absolutely no effect at all.

0442
We Can Do This the Easy Way...
Xykon, Roy

Xykon: Look, kid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I know those paladins havev filled your head with that "end of the world" nonsense, but I'll level with you: I like the world. Some of my best evilness took placec here. I wouldn't mind ruling it, in fact. I'm certainly not about to destroy it unless I get really, REALLY bored. And I see you're pretty committed to the whole hero bit, which is OK. Good heroes make great villains, you know? But the thing is, your just not playing in my league right now. I'm what, seven levels higher than you? Eight? More? So how about we just call this thing a mulligan? I set you down someplace, and you go off and train for a few years. Fight a bunch of random encounterrs, maybe an adventure path or two, have some fun with it. Then you come back, hack your ways through my minions, and we have ourselves a good final tussle, Hollywood style. It'll be a hell of a lot more satisfying for both of us, if you ask me.
Roy: ...Are you joking, or are you that stupid?
Xykon: Excuse me?
Roy: My father swore a Blood Oath of Vengeance against you! That binds me to destroy you!
Xykon: Yeah, fine, but there's no expiration date on one of those. It'll keep.
Roy: And what about all of the innocents you kill between now and then?
Xykon: Well now, hold on. Is this about beating me because I'm evil and dangerous and yadda yadda yadda - or is it about beating me becausse Daddy will be proud of you if you do?
Roy: I'll be the first to admit that I got into this quest for all the wrong reasons, but none of that matters now. You're a threat to the entire world, not ust me and my family. But like it or not, you're still MY responsibility. Because I'm the only one here who's willing to be responsible. You might not be out to destroy the physical planet, but living under the heel of a walking villain cliche like you will destroy its soul. If I don't beat you here and now, then soon this screwed-up nonsensical world won't exist anymore. There won't be any place left for introverted dwarves. Or androgynous elves. Or idiotic bards or greedy rogues...or sexy sylphs. Or hell, even racing narcissistic paladins. Bloodthirsty halflings will probably get along fine, though. So in summary, it's a dirty job, but some PC has to do it. Enough with the speeches. Let's get down to brass tacks.
Xykon: Actually, I was thinking- HEY! I was trying to- Stop that! Geez, I'm trying to- Well, OK, then. If that's the way you want to be, no skin off my nasal cavity. I should point out three factors that I think you failed to fully consider, though. Factor One: I can fly under my own power, thanks to the Overland Flight spell I cast this morning. Factor Two: A zombie dragon that lacks a bite attack isn't especially valuable to me. Factor Three: Meteor Swarm.

0443
The First Step is a Doozy
Roy

Roy: GAH!!! HOLY CRAP! Wait, Roy- concentrate. You're an adventurer, you can weasel your way out of this. OK, so, if V or Durkon had any spells that could help AND were paying attention, they would have already cast them by now. You're way out of range for a Feather Fall anyway. C'mon...if this thing can accidentally summon a rhino, there's got to be a giant eagle in there, right? *sigh* Out of critters. I don't think I'd be so annoyed if I felt like I slowed him down, but I didn't. Hey Dad, FYI, you might want to mention Meteor Swarms to Julia! Do I have any potions that would help? Delay Poison? Shillelagh Oil? Why do I even have these?? I mean, if I had any healing poptions left, I could drink one and hope for minimal falling damage, but I drank the last one after I took those arrows for Elan. You know, part of me wants to be mad at him for this somehow, but really, at this point, why bother? I hope him and Haley get out of this mess alive and go live happily ever - WAIT!! Celia's talisman! All I have to do is break it to summon her, and she can fly, fly, fly me away! Ha ha! Hnnnnnnn! Huh. That's harder to break than I would have expected. Maybe if I-

0444
He's Dead, Jim
Haley, Durkon, Flumph #1, Flumph #2

Haley: ROY!!!! Durkon, did you see-
Durkon: I saw, lass. 'E dropped like a stone. Let me take a closer look...
(D): I saw, lass. He dropped like a stone. Let me take a closer look...
Haley: Does he...does he have the X's in his eyes?
Durkon: Aye...he's as dead as a doornail alright.
(D): Yes...he's as dead as a doornail alright.
Haley: Durkon! Good gods, a little sensitivity! Roy just died! He was your best friend!
Durkon: Aye, and tha is why I'm happy. I know Roy, he prob'bly figured tha any damage he done ta Xykon would make it tha much easier fer someone else to beat him. Tha means he died fulfillin' his duty, just like a dwarf. I cannae be sad knowin' me friend got such a good and worthy death. Though I admit tha hittin' the ground might've been a wee bit ignominius...
(D): Yes, and that's why I'm happy. I know Roy, he probably figured that any damage he did to Xykon would make it that much easier for someone else to beat him. That means he died fulfilling his duty, just like a dwarf. I can't be sad knowing my friend got such a good and worthy death. Though I admit that hitting the ground might've been a bit ignominius...
Haley: Roy's dead...and I failed him.
Durkon: Wha? How?
(D): What? How?
Haley: I should havev had some sort of arrow that could hurt Xykon. I mean, I knew he was a lich, I should have looked it up. I'm a rogue, I should have been able to sneak a look at the Monster Manual! I could have done that for a friend!
Durkon: Lass, ye cannae dwell on tha now. Yer second-in-command, tha means tha right now, yer our leader. Ye need ta keep it tagether fer the team. Now wha are yer orders?
(D): Haley, you can't dwell on that now. You're second-in-command, that means that right now, you're our leader. You need to keep it together for the team. Now what are yer orders?
Haley: Gods, why did he have to be so stupid and go jump onto a moving dragon? Who was he trying to impress?
Durkon: Lass, listen ta me. LISTEN! Thar was nuthin' ye could've done. Roy was a smart guy. 'e knew tha risks an' accepted dem. Ye couldn'tve talk 'im outta doin' wha was right anymore than I could talk ye outta swindlin' the rich.
(D): Haley, listen to me. LISTEN! There was nothing you could've done. Roy was a smart guy. He knew the risks and accepted them. You couldn't have talked him out of doing what was right anymore than I could talk you out of swindling the rich.
Haley: I guess you're...you're right.
Durkon: 'Course I am. So wha we gotta do is do our best ta win this battle, so we can honor tha sacrifice 'e made with eyes wide open.
(D): Of course I am. So what we gotta do is do our best to win this battle, so we can honor the sacrifice he made with eyes wide open.
Haley: OK. OK, let's beat this army for Roy!
Durkon: Tha's tha spirit! After all, it's na like Roy was expectin' thar to be some soft comfy cushion waitin' fer him when he fell...
(D): That's the spirit! After all, it's not like Roy was expecting there to be some soft comfy cushion waiting for him when he fell...
Flumph #1: Wait - why do I feel like we were supposed to be somewhere?
Flumph #2: Just eat your brunch.

0445
A Song for the Departed
Elan, Haley, Durkon, Belkar, Hobgoblin Cleric

Elan: Oh, man, Roy! Why? I know I called you a mean-meanyhead sometimes, but I never wanted your meany-meanhead to hit the groundy-ground!
Haley: Elan, we need to win this battle if Durkon is going to have any chance of raising Roy from the dead.
Durkon: Aye, I dinnae prepare tha spell today, seein' as how it's hard ta cast in tha middle o' battle anyway, an' tha dead don't get much deader if ye wait a day.
(D): Yeah, I didn't prepare the spell today, seeing how it's hard to cast in the middle of battle anyway, and tha dead don't get much deader if you wait a day.
Haley: That means we have to drive the hobgoblisn off before then. You need to keep fighting!
Elan: How am I supposed to come up with puns now? I'm totally bummed out and stuff!
Haley: Then sing, Elan! Sing a bard song for Roy.
Elan: ...OK. <Singing> O buddy Roy, the lich, the lich came calling From round to round and in the air this day, And though we have all found ourselves a' falling. 'Tis you, 'tis you when splat and we're OK. But come ye back when Raise Dead has been cast After cash for diamond dust we pool, 'Cause we'll be here tomorrow after breakfast, O buddy Roy, O buddy Roy, you're pretty cool. But if tomorrow, it turns out we got smacked down If we're dead, our hit points worn away, Then sorry dude, you won't be coming back now; One death sucks, but six spells T-P-K. I won't see you in the afterlife in that case Because you're lawful and Chaotic Good am I And I don't think they'll let me hang at your place. O buddy Roy, O buddy Roy, why did you die?
Belkar: That was beautiful.
Hobgoblin Cleric: *sniff* I think... I think there's something my eye. AAAH!
Belkar: Got it out for you.

446-4500446
Hell of a Job
Xykon, Tsukiko, Soldier

Xykon: O guy I killed, the ground, the ground is calling... Catchy tune. OK, time to stop fooling around with the city wall and get right at this castle. Sorry, guys, no time for my usual banter, I'm running late. Looks like I'm gonna have to zap and run.
Tsukiko: Wait! I want to help you! I'm not really with them, I want to be evil! Let me join your side.
Xykon: I think we might have a few entry-level positions. Do you have your resume on you?
Soldier: Traitor!
Xykon: Hmmm...trained as a mystic theurge...with two years experience as an intern graverobber...
Tsukiko: Yes sir, I love the undead. I mean I really LOVE the undead.
Xykon: Hey, now, let's keep things professional. I'm not one of those disgusting biophiliacs. Well, kid, let's see what you've got. Hit me with your best negative energy spell, I could use some healing.
Tsukiko: Inflict Critical Wounds!
Xykon: Nice! OK, Miss...uh...
Tsukiko: Tsukiko.
Xykon: Miss Tsukiko, you're gonna fill out these payroll forms and drop them off with the goblin in the red cloak. Welcome to Team Evil. Your first job is to kill everyone on the castle parapets and animate as many as you can as undead.
Tsukiko: With pleasure, sir!
Xykon: Uh, not TOO much pleasure, we have a schedule to keep. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a throne room to find.
Tsukiko: It's on th e8th floor. Now come here, you oppressive sons of bitches! I'm gonna rip off your-
Xykon: We're ALWAYS hiring!

0447
Guarding the Sapphire
Xykon, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, O-Chul

Xykon: DING! 8th floor: Men's Outerwear, Sporting Goods, and Rifts in the Fabric of the Universe.
Redcloak: What the hell is he doing?
Monster in the Darkness: I wonder if Xykon has any sisters, too...
Redcloak: Why is he going for the Gate now? The element of surprise has been completely blown. What possible reason could he have for attacking the Gate now instead of waiting for the army to move in??
Xykon: Time for some fun. Excuse me, would you care to make a donation to the Save the Paladins fund? It's tax deductible.
O-Chul: Sapphire Guard - ATTACK!

0448
Just Crazy Enough to Work
Xykon, O-Chul, Sapphire Guard Sorceror, Paladin #1, Paladin #2, Paladin #3

Xykon: Follow the bouncing ball, children.
O-Chul: SMITE EVIL!
Xykon: Meteor-ugh! Are you absolutely certain that you shsouldn't be paying attention to the bouncing ball?
O-Chul: ...What did you do? What sort of trick is this?
Xykon: Nothing, really. I just inscrubed a Symbol of Insanity on one of those super-bouncy balls and flung it into the middle of your troops back there.
O-Chul: Symbol of...Insanity... NO! Cann you fix this? Can you dispel it somehow?
Sapphire Guard Sorceror: No, sir. I don't have the right spells. But if it comes down to it, destroying the Gate itself would prevent it from falling- AAAH!
Xykon: Smart kid. That's a pretty good plan. Don't you think?
Paladn #1: Wait, stop! What are you doing-!
O-Chul: I am sorry, I need to destroy the Gate or all is lost!
Paladin #2: I'll hold them off, you get to the throne!
Xykon: Paralyzing Touch. Heh. I tell you, Ugly, nothing's funnier than false hope. You really thought you had a chance there for a second. I mean, sure, I could've just blasted you all from above with fire and lightning and such...but I've always felt that when it's really important, it's worth it to go that extra mile. Don't you agree?
Paladin #3: Oh Twelve Gods...what have I done?? Forgive me!

0449
Land of the Rising...
Durkon, Hinjo, Xykon, Soon Kim

Durkon: Hinjo, lad! Xykon has entered tha castle!
(D): Hinjo! Xykon has entered the castle!
Hinjo: I know.
Xykon: So, Ugly, who do you think I should zombify first? I think I'll start with the girls, you strike me as the type to get more offended by that.
Durkon: Those paladins are mid-level, they dinnae stand a chance against 'im.
(D): Those paladins are mid-level, they don't stand a chance against him.
Hinjo: I know.
Durkon: We hafta get up thar an'-
(D): We have to get up there and-
Hinjo: Durkon...there are some secrets that are only known to the ruling family of Azure City-until now.
Xykon: You know, I can't wait to see the look on Redcloak's face when he sees this.
Soon Kim: Arise my children.
Hinjo: I pray to the twelve gods that my friends can stop Xykon before even one of them dies, but I honestly do not expect it. They knew when they received their orders that they might be called on to give their lives for the cause.
Xykon: He sword that trick would never work.
Soon Kim: Only the honor of a paladin is unbreakable-
Hinjo: There is a reason we only stationed paladins of the Sapphire Guard in that room today. The truth is, they are not there to guard the Gate alone.
Soon Kim: -even by death itself.
Xykon: Wait - do you hear a voice?
Hinjo: They are there as reinforcements.
Soon Kim: Ghost-martyrs of the Sapphire Guard - ATTACK!

0450
Wands Are for Suckers
Belkar, Eye of Fear and Flame

Belkar: Huh...I could drink the healing potion, but then I would lose this kickass "battle damaged" look. Geez, I bet a guy like Hinjo never has to make a tough decision like this. Ah well, there's still a lot of bad guys who haven't screamed for mercy yet today. OH! And the plucky halfling sticks the landing, ladies andn gentlemen! The judges are sure to like that!
Eye of Fear and Flame: GAH!!!! Are you - are you going to attack me next?
Belkar: Nah, I usually don't bother with undead, they're no fun to kill.
Eye of Fear and Flame: Oh, whew! That's a relief! I was really getting scared there for a moment.
Belkar: Wait you're an undead that gets scared?
Eye of Fear and Flame: This decoy job has really got me on edge...
Belkar: Well THAT changes the equation considerably, I haven't worked out all the math yet, but I can estimate the answer as, "You're screwed."
Eye of Fear and Flame: Stay back! I can shoot Fireballs and Fear beams out of my magical eye gems!
Belkar: ...Really?
Eye of Fear and Flame: Yes! Yes, absolutely! So wht are you going to do about THAT, huh??
Belkar: Now Fireball!
Eye of Fear and Flame: Yes, sir, Mr. Bitterleaf.
Belkar: Good boy!

EDIT: What are your plans going forward? Are you going to update the database with each new strip yourself, or do you want someone else to do it for you?

Kwarkpudding

2008-10-26, 10:08 AM

451-460
4510451
Change of Direction
Monster in the Darkness, Redcloak, Hobgoblin General, Hobgoblin, Demon Roach

Monster in the Darkness: So am I gonna get something to devour soon?
Redcloak: Haven’t decided yet.
Monster in the Darkness: Awww, come on!!
Redcloak: Oh, yes, THAT will work. What mortal can resist the siren song of, “Awww, come on!”?
Hobgoblin General: Sir, our southern commanders have just reported. Between the forces of the wall and the rumors of some sort of tiny firebreathing avatar of Death, their troops are being slaughtered.
Redcloak: Uh huh.
Hobgoblin General: What should I tell them?
Redcloak: Tell them to suck it up.
Hobgoblin General: What?
Redcloak: Fine, tell them to press the attack, keep scaling the walls, keep on truckin’.
Hobgoblin General: Supreme Leader, that will only increase casualties!
Redcloak: A distinct possibility, yes. They’re only there to kill as many humans as possible before the northern army takes the city anyway. I didn’t really expect ANY of them to come back alive. Frankly, I have more important things to worry about. Like why they haven’t fired their catapults yet…
Hobgoblin: LOOK OUT! I regret to report that I am no longer fit for duty… Supreme Leader…
Redcloak: Wait, I can heal – you. He pushed me out of the way… he saved my live.
Hobgoblin General: Of course, Supreme Leader. I will relay your orders now.
Redcloak: What the hell is wrong with me?!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WIRH ME?!? I’ve been sending off you to die like lemmings, but you’re GOBLINS! I’m the High Priest of the Dark One, it’s my job to shepherd the goblin people – ALL of the goblin people! And I’ve been killing you off because of … because of a childish grudge! Oh my god – I’m turning into XYKON! What have I let myself do? It’s like I’m some sort of … racist!
Monster in the Darkness: Well, you do hate humans a lot…
Redcloak: Yes, but I hate all breeds of humans equally. That makes me a speciesist. I have to stop this! I need to stop the senseless deaths! General! Belay those orders! Have the entire force scaling the walls withdraw. Order them to join us en route.
Hobgoblin General: Sir… are we retreating?
Redcloak: Retreating? No. Extended Summon Monster VII! To sound the retreat now would further dishonor the sacrifice of every hobgoblin that has died here. I may not be able to change the fact that I ordered them to their deaths, but I can damn well make sure they weren’t in vain. Order every hobgoblin, zombie, ghoul or whatever else we have to charge that breach in the wall, and not to stop until they feel the ocean spray on their faces. We’re going to win this war NOW.
Monster in the Darkness: Grumble. Why does everyone else get a new pet to ride and I don’t?
Demon Roach: TO WAR!!!

4520452
Breaking and Entering
Vaarsuvius, Soldier #1, Soldier #2, Soldier #3, Soldier #4, Soldier #5, Soldier #6, Soldier #7, Soldier #8, Soldier #9, Soldier #10

Soldier #1: That’s the last ghoul, I think.
Soldier #2: The hobos are breaking off on the southern end of the city, we should have reinforcements in less than ten minutes!
Female Soldier #1: Then we did it! Ha ha! We held the breach!
Soldier #3: Quick, someone get up there and check on the enemy.
Soldier #4: Uh, guys… I think you should come see this… That’s the whole army.
Soldier #1: Are they running at us?
Vaarsuvius: It would appear so.
Soldier #5: SCREW THAT!
Soldier #1: What?
Soldier #1: You heard me. I quit. I’m not dying so Shojo’s nephew can play the heroic knight who goes down fighting the good fight.
Female Soldier #2: You know, he’s right. I watched my brother and best friend get eaten by ghouls today – And my best friend’s fiancé cut in two by a hobgoblin. I’m done. I’m getting out of here while I still can.
Soldier #2: Yeah, why should I die for a city where the nobles can just relax on their giant yachts while the common people fight for them?
Soldier #6: Never would have happened if Shojo was around, I tell you that.
Soldier #7: Yeah, he might have been a nut, but he kept things running.
Soldier #4: What are you doing?? We have to defend our homeland!
Female Soldier #3: We have to defend ourselves* too, and right now, that means being anywhere else.
Soldier #8: Let’s get the hell out of here!
Soldier #2: I know some caves we can hide in.
Soldier #9: I heard there are still some boats at the docks.
Soldier #6: Wait up!
Soldier #10: You cowards! Deserters!!
Soldier #3: Get back here and honor your ancestors!
Soldier #1: What about you, wizard?
Vaarsuvius: I have expended most of my magic. I have no potions or scrolls left, and but a single spell remaining.
Soldier #1: You’re an elf, right? Pick up a bow and get ready, then.
Vaarsuvius: There is a vast gulf between being proficient in a weapon and being good with a weapon. There is nothing more I can do.
Soldier #1: What spell do you have left, anyway?
Vaarsuvius: Invisibility.
Soldier #1: Hmm… We could use that to maybe – Oh.
Vaarsuvius: I am sorry
Soldier #1: Yeah. OK, then! All the rest of us who are too dumb to run, let’s show these orange bastards what it means to be an Azurite!
Soldier #4: YEAH!
Female Soldier#1: HELL YEAH!
Soldier #1: Holy –

4530453
Heck of a Fight
Hinjo, Huecuva, Argent, Kubota’s Light Blue Ninja, Kubota’s Blue Ninja, Durkon, Tiger, Thor, Odin

Hinjo: Hurry! They need us at the breach! Argent, run as fast as you can!
Huecuva: I know I was ordered to withdraw, but I haven’t gotten my Recommended Daily Value of dead heroes yet. A huecuva’s gotta stay healthy, you know.
Argent: grrrrRRUFF!!
Huecuva: Poison!
Argent: Roar!
Hinjo: Argent! I’m sorry, friend, looks like I must send you back to the Celestial Realms to purge the poison from you. And as for you … Nobody invades my city – and absolutely NOBODY HURTS MY DOG!!!
Huecuva: GAH! HARM!
Hinjo: I can make any saving throw you can dish out, skeleton. Smite Evil! AAAHHHH!
Kubota's Light Blue Ninja: Daimyo Kubota sends his regards. Is it too early to say, “Lord Kubota”?
Kubota's Blue Ninja: It does have a nice ring to it.
Hinjo: Oh, you’ve GOT to be kidding me!! NOW?? The city is being invaded as we speak!
Kubota's Blue Ninja: Yes, and when House Kubota captures it from the hobgoblins next week, the people will cheer.
Kubota's Light Blue Ninja: The daimyo believes strongly in long-term planning.
Hinjo: Fine, I can fight the two of you, wherever you came from.
Kubota's Light Blue Ninja: Uh, ninjas?
Kubota's Blue Ninja: We’ve been standing next to you for like four hours.
Huecuva: HEY! No kill-stealing!
Kubota's Blue Ninja: HEY! You got your hatred of all that’s good and pure in my contract killing!
Huecuva: Well you got your contract killing in my hatred of all that’s good and pure!
Kubota's Blue Ninja: You wanna fight? There’s only one ninja left, that means I’m death incarnate!
Huecuva: Bring it on, Little Boy Blue!
Hinjo: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! As the only neutral party who doesn’t care which one of you gets the kill, I think I have a fair compromise. I call my proposal, “Giant Dwarf with a Hammer.”
Huecuva: Huh?
Kubota's Blue Ninja: That doesn’t make any –
Durkon: Sorry it took so long ta catch up. Short legs.
(D): Sorry it took so long to catch up. Short legs.
Hinjo: … You were 15 feet tall.
Durkon: Aye, an’ you’d think it would matter, but it never seems ta work out tha way. As I ran, I prayed ta Thor ta grant me extra speed… Heal! But I guess he’s off listenin’ ta some other cleric today.
(D): Yes, and you’d think it would matter, but it never seems to work out that way. As I ran, I prayed to Thor to grant me extra speed… Heal! But I guess he’s off listening to some other cleric today.
Tiger: grrrAWRrr!
Thor: OK! OK! We’ll stay up in the northern lands and leave you guys in the south alone. Just relax,* get some catnip. Geez, I mean, you bend the rules for a follower ONE TIME, and they never let you live it down.
Odin: Oooo! Doggie!
Thor: Dad, don’t pet it, you don’t know where it’s been.

04540454
The Longshot
Redcloak, Hobgoblin General, Female Soldier, Soldier #1, Soldier #2, Elan, Haley, Durkon, Hinjo.

Redcloak: Welcome to scenic Azure City, men. Legions 12, 15, 22 and, let’s say 47. You’re with me.
Hobgoblin General: The rest of you, continue your march and eliminate all opposition. How will we take that castle’s walls with only four legions?
Redcloak: General, it’s important to realize that there are plans of which I haven’t yet informed you. I mean, I’m not going to tell you every single little strategy that I devised in advance.
Sign: CASTLE GATE WINCH
Added Sign: Don’t touch!
Redcloak: Some things have got to be a surprise, don’t you think?
Female Soldier: What the –?
Soldier #1: NO!
Hobgoblin General: Sir, why didn’t we just do that with the city wall?
Redcloak: Less likely to have worked. They guard the first line of defense better than the second line. Also, if we had done it then, we wouldn’t have been able to do it again now. Sometimes, you have to leave a few things in reserve, just on the off-chance that you start winning.
Elan: Weren’t there a whole lot more good guys before?
Haley: Dead, or deserted.
Durkon: Tha palace gate be open!
(D): The palace gate is open!
Hinjo: No! We can’t let those goblin leaders get in the palace.
Soldier#2: How can we stop them? There’s a billion hobgoblins in the way.
Hinjo: Durkon, do you have any spells –
Durkon: – Tha can reach tha far? Nay, lad, na prepared.
(D): – That can reach that far? No, lad, not prepared.
Haley: I can do it.
Elan: Haley, that’s, like, WAY outside your Sneak Attack range.
HS: But it’s not outside my longbow range. I don’t need to kill him in one shot, I just need to peg him hard so that he looks over here and sees a bunch of high-level PC’s. Then, he can come over and fight us instead of going into the castle.
Elan: Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot the goblin on the red elephant!
Haley: What the hell??? One of them should have hit!
Durkon: Lass, it were an awful difficult shot.
(D): Lass, it was an awfully difficult shot.
Haley: Exactly! It was totally dramatic! How did I miss?
Durkon: I think maybe ye be spendin’ too much time wit Elan…
(D): I think maybe you are spending too much time with Elan…
Haley: I mean, why spend four panels watching the arrow if it wasn’t going to do anything???
Hinjo: It got someone’s attention, all right… Just not the right someones.
Elan: Oh man, Roy’s butt would sure come in handy right now!

455
0455
Incoming!
Hobgoblin Clerics, Belkar, Skullsy, Elan, Durkon, Haley, Daigo, Hinjo, Kazumi, Illusory Hinjo, Illusory Haley, Illusory Belkar, Illusory Elan, Illusory Durkon

Hobgoblin Cleric #1: FIRE!
Belkar: Don’t mind if I do. Get it? Because he said, “Fire!” and then you used a “Fire”-ball, and now they’re all dead.
Skullsy: Yes, sir. Very funny, sir. Please don’t hurt me.
Elan: Belkar! You came back to help us!
Belkar: Actually, all the hobgoblins ran into the city, and I just followed them. So it was more of a prey migration thing, really. I’d love to kill them all for you, but my friend can only Fireball every so often, and SOMEONE decided to keep a spell on me that prevents me from killing inside a city. Hinjo.
Durkon: Lass, tha ones tha lived are startin’ ta recover thar focus.
(D): Lass, the ones that lived are starting to recover their focus.
Haley: OW! I noticed. We need to get out of the spotlight, unless we want PC to stand for Pin Cushion. As current leader of the Order of the Stick, it is my solemn duty to call for the execution of our oldest, most reliable strategy. RUN!!
Daigo: You too. Sir.
Hinjo: Take cover in the tower!
Kazumi: Hey, wait for me!
Haley: Well, it’s better than being out there, but I don’t like being trapped in a tower.
Hinjo: We’re not trapped, there’s a tunnel out of here on the ground floor.
Haley: It leads to the castle? Perfect! We can sneak into –
Durkon: Cure Light Wounds.
Hinjo: No, it leads to the armory that builds and services the catapults, about six blocks away. We thought that a tunnel that led directly to the castle was too dangerous.
Haley: I guess that’s something. But what we really need is a way to get into the palace to keep Xykon from getting his bony hands on that Gate.
Hinjo: Agreed.
Durkon: But if’n tha hobbos think we’re in here, they’ll break tha door down ev’ntually. Cure Light Wounds.
(D): But if the hobbos think we’re in here, they’ll break the door down eventually. Cure Light Wounds.
Haley: I have an idea. Elan, follow me.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Take a squad of men up there and get into that tower, I don’t want anyone hiding in –
Ill Hinjo: Hello, nice hobgoblins! My name is Hinjo. I am here right now.
Ill Haley: I am Haley. I, too, am here.
Ill Belkar: We are all here right now, and definitely not somewhere else.
Haley: <whisper> Elan, you put yourself in the wrong clothes.
Elan: <whisper> Whoops, I forgot!
Hobgoblin Cleric: There they are. Shoot them!
Haley: <whisper> Honey, you have to make them react to the arrows or it’s going to spoil the illusion!
Elan: <whisper> Oh, right!
Illusory Hinjo: Ow.
Illusory Haley: Ow.
Illusory Elan: Ow.
Illusory Durkon: Ow.
Illusory Hinjo: Oh my. In my death stagger I am accidentally falling of the edge of the wall.
Illusory Haley: Me too.
Illusory Elan: It sure would be a waste of time to search for the bodies.
Haley: <whisper> Did it work?
Elan: <whisper> Definitely.
Haley: <whisper> How can you be sure?
Hobgoblin T-shirt: I killed a PC all I got was this lousy t-shirt!

4560456
Saved Game
Redcloak, High Priest, Hobgoblin General

Redcloak: Have the troops spread out through the courtyard, I want the palace surrounded. I’ll handle these guys.
High Priest: HALT! I’m the high priest of the Twelve Gods!
Redcloak: Yeah? Well I am the high priest of the Dark One, so you can kiss my green ass, human.
High Priest: I propose that we let the titanic magic of our respective deities determine this contest. Let us duel, cleric against cleric, until only one of us lives.
Redcloak: Earlier today, I would have told you to get bent, since my side is already winning and I have nothing to gain and everything to lose. However, duelling would save the lives of any hobgoblins your spells would have killed. So I guess you got yourself a deal.
High Priest: THEN LET US BEGIN THE ULTIMATE DUEL BETWEEN CLERICS! Blindness!
Redcloak: Made my saving throw. Poison!
High Priest: Made my saving throw. Bestow Curse!
Redcloak: Made my saving throw. Slay Living!
High Priest: Made my saving throw. Hold Monster!
Redcloak: Wait, you get that spell?
High Priest: Law Domain.
Redcloak: Oh, and made my saving throw. Plane Shift!
High Priest: Made my saving throw. Plane Shift!
Redcloak: Made my saving throw. (Copycat.) Destruction!
High Priest:… Does a 21 save?
Redcloak: No.
High Priest: Crap.
Hobgoblin General: Truly, there has never been a more spectacular display of magic in the annals of warfare.
Redcloak: Yeah, we really blew the special effects budget on that one. Watch it, I think you stepped in cleric.

04570457
Anti-Human Resources
Redcloak, Chlorine Elemental, Tsukiko

Redcloak: Chlorine Elemental, kill all the humans in the courtyard.
Chlorine Elemental: Kill all humans.
Tsukiko: Excuse me, Xykon said I’m supposed to drop some paperwork off with you?
Redcloak: What? Who the hell are you?
Tsukiko: I’m Tsukiko, mystic theurge, I’m on your team now.
Redcloak: You’ve got to be kidding me. Putting aside for a* moment the staggeringly high probability that you’re some kind of Azurite double agent … Do you actually expect me to believe that Xykon stopped in the middle of a battle to conduct a job interview?
Xykon’s Paper: Redcloak: Check it out, I totally conducted a job interview in the middle of the battle. -- Xykon
*sigh* Look, I’m pretty busy at the moment, I’ll deal with this later.
Tsukiko: I’m pretty sure Xykon wanted you to deal with it now!
Redcloak: Well, what Xykon wants and what’s a good idea tend to diverge significantly.
Tsukiko: Well, that’s OK. He’s inside here, right. I’ll just follow you up and we can ask him.
Redcloak: Oooo, I’m sorry, this party is invitation only, and you? You’re not on the list. If you have any questions, you’ll have to take it up with my assistant. His name is, “15d6 points of Whirling Death for Humans.”
Tsukiko: Fine, where can I find him?
Redcloak: Right here. Blade Barrier.
Tsukiko: AAAH! Hey, I am SO telling Xykon about this!
Redcloak: Yeah? Don’t forget to mention the elemental.
Tsukiko: Huh? Mention what about the elemental?
Chlorine Elemental: Kill all humans.

04580458
Exit Strategy
Chlorine Elemental, Old Azurite Prisoner, Tsukiko, Nale, Thog, Soldier, Hobgoblin, Sabine

Chlorine Elemental: Kill all humans.
Old Azurite Prisoner: HA! I knew I made the right call staying in prison. That Tsukiko chick is getting her ass kicked by an elemental! It’s so much safer up here!
Tsukiko: SHOUT!
Nale: Well, now, really, what did you expect after a line like that? Thog, give me a boost, I think I can squeeze up there…
Thog: thog always dreamed of being footstool, thog never thought dream come true. *sniff* it everything thog imagined, and so much more.
Nale: Charm Person! Give me your sword.
Soldier: Yes, sir!
Hobgoblin: Hey, thanks! I guess I’m lucky you really needed a katana!
Nale: I prefer longswords, actually.
Sabine: He sure is taking a long time out there…
Thog: nale only been gone for four panels.
Sabine: Thog, when someone in a comic strip says, “he sure is taking a long time,” it indicates that time has passed between panels.
Thog: ohhhh! sabine smart!
Sabine: Nale, there you are.
Nale: Interesting trivia fact: The guard with the keys ha a higher-than-average Will Save for a fighter.
Thog: thog free, free as the wind!
Sabine: Oooo, I missed you so much, baby!
Nale: Me too, now let’s get out of here.
Sabine: What about the ex-paladin, do we spring her?
Nale: Honey, she snapped your neck!
Sabine: … I got better.
Nale: No, no other prisoners. She can find her own way out. I’m sick of dead weight on this team. I mean, “Pompey”? What was I possibly thinking?
Sabine: So, are we going to go find the Order of the Stick and kill them?
Nale: As much as it seemingly violates the Linear Guild charter, not today, dear. There are already way too many characters involved in the action here: My brother, his followers, Xykon, HIS followers, the paladins, the ex-paladin, probably a few D-listers we don’t even know about… Besides, why make this into a three-way struggle for Soon’s Gate, when there are two other perfectly good Gates out there waiting to be found? Let them fight over this one, we’ll sneak of and* capture another, don’t you agree?
Sabine: … Oh, sorry. I kinda got distracted when you said the word, “three-way”. So, does this mean we’re giving up on revenge?
Nale: Don’t be silly, the never-ending escalation of petty revenge will continue, but at a more prudent time and place.
Sabine: Then where are we going?
Nale: Shopping. Thog and I left all of our magic items in Cliffport. After that, wherever our evil schemes take us, my dear. Which, apparently will include another ice cream parlor.
Thog: hooray!

04590459
Negative Feelings
Redcloak, Xykon, Hobgoblin Cleric, Soon

Redcloak: Make sure all of the entrances are blocked, Xykon should have seized the throne room by now.
Xykon: Why don’t you DIE again, you stupid, friggin’ ghost-thingies?!?
Redcloak: “Should have” being the key phrase. come on.
Xykon: What took you so long?
Redcloak: Xykon! Are you OK?
Xykon: I tell you, most of them only sting a little, but the dude with the Fu Manchu really packs a wallop.
Redcloak: Harm! Now make that last, that’s my last one.
Xykon: I already tagged a bunch, but there’s still a ton left. Suckers are tough.
Redcloak: Wait, were you using fire and lightning to fight them?
Xykon: Yeah, why?
Redcloak: Sir, that stuff has only a 50% chance of affecting incorporeal creatures at all!
Xykon: Well how am I supposed to remember that? Like I sat and read the rules on Special Abilities.
Redcloak: Actually… I don’t think they ARE ghost. I don’t even think they’re undead. They look like some sort of positive energy spirits, probably homebrewed, or cribbed off of another campaign setting… Do you have any uses of Rebuke Undead left?
Hobgoblin Cleric: I thought you said they weren’t undead.
Redcloak: They’re not. But you know how a negative energy spell like Harm heals the undead? If a good cleric can turn or destroy undead by channeling positive energy –
Hobgoblin Cleric: – Then we should be able to channel our negative energy to turn or destroy these positive energy spirits! Brilliant, Supreme Leader!
Xykon: Did you two nerds come up with a plan yet? I’m running out of spells above 5th level!
Hobgoblin Cleric & Redcloak: TURN UNDEAD!
Redcloak: (Sort of.)
Hobgoblin Cleric: Sir, mine didn’t work. Aah!
Redcloak: Mine did. I think the throne room is consecrated, and you’re not high enough level to overcome its effects. OK, get out of here, and keep the other hobgoblin from coming in until I give the all clear.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Sir, look out!
Soon: Bearer of the Crimson Mantle! Too long has your evil threatened the world! Your death here today shall end your wretched kind’s threat forever!
Redcloak: Funny, I was thinking the exact same thing about the Sapphire Guard. Interesting…
Xykon: So, any ideas on how we should fight ‘Stache boy, whoever he is.
Redcloak: Soon.
Xykon: I’d prefer to know right now, thanks.
Redcloak: No, I mean, that’s his name.
Xykon: What is?
Redcloak: Soon.
Xykon: Look, if you don’t want to tell me his name yet, fine, but we really should find a way to beat him!
Redcloak: *sigh* My negative energy spells didn’t affect him directly – he probably has way too many Hit Dice – but he DID seem to be stunned when his lackeys were poofed. I can keep “turning” them, I need you to keep Soon – uh, the leader – occupied while I do it.
Xykon: With what? I low on high level spells, and you said that fire and lightning don’t work right.
Redcloak: Try Magic Missile.
Xykon: Have you lost your green mind? That’s like my single weakest spell!
Redcloak: But it deals force damage, which should be effective against incorporeal beings.
Xykon: …Oh, really?
Soon: I’ll handle the cleric, you keep whittling at the lich.
Xykon: HEY! Paladin dude! Do you know what the best part about killing the entire sapphire Guard was? Neither do I. I wasn’t actually paying attention when I did it. Maximized Magic Missile.
Soon: Undead abomination, the holy light of the twelve Gods shall strike you down. SMITE EVIL!
Xykon: AAHHH! Goddamn it, I forgot how much pain tends to hurt!

4600460
Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign
Miko, Xykon

Miko: Mighty Twelve Gods, I have emptied my thoughts so that I might pray to you. First I give you thanks for removing the irritating distractions and their ceaseless blather from this prison. I was getting nowhere trying to meditate around them, anyway. I ask now than you help me to understand your divine will. I know you have a grand destiny in store for me, but for some reason it has recently become more difficult for me to see what it might be. I’m sure it was not your intension to send mixed signals, however. I pray that you show me a sign – something that will tell me what my role is in this, my people’s darkest hour. I understand. You clearly do not desire me to – NNNH! – be imprisoned, or you would not have allowed the – NNH! – bars to become cracked when the – NNNH! – castle sustained damage. I take the fact that I am currently leaving the prison to be further proof that it is the will of the gods that I escape – for surely, if they wanted me to remain, they easily have the power to stop me. Therefore, I can only conclude that the gods want me to continue my mission I engaged when I was somehow defeated. Specifically, the punishment of the Order of the Stick for their betrayal of Azure City. No sign can be clearer than – … My city… My beautiful city… By the Twelve Gods, I swear that the Order of the Stick will pay for their part in this!
Xykon: Come on, you sissy, is that the best you can do? Your ma hits harder than that – and can grow better facial hair! GNNNH!
Miko: The throne room… and that was the lich’s voice, I’m sure of it. The Order’s punishment will have to be delayed. The safety of the Gate comes first. My oath to protect it does not fade just because Hinjo tries to remove me from my rightful position. Once again, it appears Greenhilt will escape the fate he has so richly deserved since the day he sided with that evil halfling.

461-470
4610461
I’ve Got a Bad Feeling About This
Hobgoblin Cleric, Hobgoblin #1, Hobgoblin #2, Miko, Elan, Haley, Belkar, Kazumi

Hobgoblin Cleric: Hey, the Supreme Leader said to stay here!
Hobgoblin #1: We should be helping him!
Hobgoblin #2: Yeah!
Hobgoblin Cleric: Those are positive energy spirits now, not flesh-and-blood humans! You can’t hit them with nonmagical weapons like that! Trust me, we’re a LOT safer staying right –
Miko: It all makes sense now. I understand what I need to do. The path is clear.
Elan: …Hey, did anyone else get that foreboding feeling just now? Guys?
Haley: No, we are NOT launching ourselves into the throne room using the catapult!
Belkar: Why the hell not?
Haley: Because we don’t know how to aim a catapult that precisely!
Belkar: Right, and that’s why we fling the two nameless soldiers first, so we can see where they splat and adjust our aim accordingly. I mean, seriously, do I have to think about everything around here???
Kazumi: *gulp*

4620462
Good Idea, Bad Idea
Xykon, Soon, Redcloak, Miko

Xykon: Hey! What’s hilarious here is you thinking that you can actually destroy me. Go ahead and pound my body into dust, I’ll just grow a new one later.
Soon: I suppose it would be prudent to kill the goblin who is carrying your phylactery around his neck as well, then. I may not be able to smash it myself due to my insubstantial nature – but I can instruct the first human to enter this room about the particulars.
Xykon: Redcloak! Stop waving that thing around and get the hell out of here!
Redcloak: What? But I’m done –
Xykon: Just do it! Go! GO!!! AHHH!
Redcloak: AHHH!
Soon: Smite Evil! Smite Evil!
Xykon: Hey, Redcloak… we really had a shot at the prize there for a minute, didn’t we?
Redcloak: Yeah. Yeah, we did.
Miko: I, Miko Miyazaki – now fulfil the divine destiny the Twelve Gods have revealed to me!
Soon: No! Miko, you don’t need to –
Xykon: I think that’s our exit cue.

4630463
Shattered
Haley, Elan, Durkon, Hinjo, Belkar, Monster in the Darkness, Demon Roach

Haley: – and then Elan and I knock on the front door dressed as wandering cheese sellers.
Elan: Everyone knows hobgoblins can’t resist a fine gouda.
Durkon: Wha tha hell was tha racket?
(D): What the hell was that racket?
Hinjo: Wait. That noise… I need to see the castle!
Belkar: Hey!
Haley: Whoa!
Hinjo: The Gate… Soon’s Gate has been destroyed.
Belkar: Along with local property values, looks like.
Hinjo: I suppose it’s too much to hope if any villains died in that blast, right?
Durkon: Aye, look – Xykon an tha goblin managed ta ‘scape from tha ‘splosion.
(D): Yes, look – Xykon and the goblin managed to escape from the explosion.
Hinjo: I guess O-Chul did what he had to… shatter the Gate in order to keep Xykon from seizing it.
Haley: Do you think… do you think any of your friends could’ve survived an explosion like that?
Hinjo: No. Assuming many were still alive to begin with; none of them would have risked destroying the Gate until all hope was lost. O-Chul, old friend… looks like we’ll share that drink someday after all…
Monster in the Darkness: Yes, Mr. Dragon, it WAS awfully rude of them to not let me in their stupid old battle. An unexpected guest! This is the best tea party EVER!!
Demon Roach: Hey, buddy, this is a smoke-free establishment.

4640464
Not for Everyone
Soon, Miko

Soon: …Hello, Miko.
Miko: Lord Soon! I did well, didn’t I? I did what the gods wanted! That’s why you’re here, right? To thank me?
Miko: You have done… adequately. By destroying my Gate, you have ensured that it can no longer be used for Evil purposes. You have fulfilled your oath to protect this on Gate… technically. Had you been less hasty, however, I might have ended Xykon’s threat permanently.
Miko: Destroy him now! You can still fly after him!
Soon: Our oaths to protect the Gate was all that bound our souls to this world. With the gate shattered, my spirit can no longer influence this world. Even now, we are fading to the Celestial Realm. We will usher you to your destination as well.
Miko: Really? Does that mean I get to be a paladin again?
Soon: … No. I’m truly sorry, Miko, but redemption requires more than simply the execution of your duty, even if you follow that duty to the end. True redemption demands that you seek forgiveness for your past misdeeds. That you atone for the actions that caused the Twelve Gods to turn away from you. That you even acknowledge that you could, in fact, be wrong. You have done none of this. Perhaps, if you had more time… but then again, perhaps not. Redemption is a rare and special thing, after all. It is not for everyone.
Miko: Will…will I get to see Windstriker again?
Soon: Of course. He has been waiting for you. He will visit you as much as he is able.
Miko: OK… OK, then…I can live with that.

4650465
No One Likes a Tattletale
Xykon, Hobgoblin Cleric#1, Hobgoblin Cleric #2, Redcloak, Tsukiko

Xykon: Hey! Stupid hobgoblins! Your Grand Poobah needs a cleric!
Hobgoblin Cleric #1: Supreme Leader!
Hobgoblin Cleric #2: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Hobgoblin Cleric #1: Cure Serious Wounds!
Hobgoblin Cleric #2: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Redcloak: OK, OK, thanks, guys. I’ll take it from here. Cure Critical Wounds! Wait… why am I outdoors? What happened to the Gate?
Xykon: Some crazy beige bitch smashed it with a sword. Blew half the castle.
Redcloak: What?? NO! Goddamn it, we were so close!
Xykon: Tell me about it, I could practically smell the incense from my coronation as World Emperor. What is really amazing, since I don’t have a sense of smell.
Tsukiko: There you are!
Redcloak: Ugh, not this again.
Xykon: Who’s that?
Redcloak: The new girl.
Tsukiko: Lord Xykon, I wish to register a complaint about this goblin! He wouldn’t help me with the paperwork that you asked me to give to him, and then he cast Blade Barrier right in front of me. And then he ordered his elemental to try and kill me! Plus, I think he dropped a castle on me!
Xykon: Redcloak, is this true?
Redcloak: No. Technically, I just ordered the elemental to kill all humans, and then “forgot” to make an exception for her.
Xykon: Oh, man, that’s even funnier!
Redcloak: Heh, I know.
Tsukiko: Hey! You should discipline him!!
Xykon: Listen, newbie, we’re the villains. We play rough. You didn’t die, so quit your whining and go do something useful.
Redcloak: Yeah, like go animate some of the few thousand new corpses that just got created.
Tsukiko: Stupid goblin… I’ll show him, I’ll make the most powerful undead warrior he’s ever seen from the first body I find!! It’ll be free-willed and evil and mean, with cool black and red armor, and it’ll kill him, and I’ll take over his job! Oh, wait …that’s only half. I need a whole corpse. Ah, never mind. That’s a dumb idea. It probably wouldn’t have been all that powerful anyway.

4660466
I think I Left it in the Bag…
Hobgoblin, Redcloak, Xykon

Hobgoblin: – and we estimate about 10,000 deaths on each side, counting both the battle and the explosion. The good news is, that’s only about one-third of our force, and almost all of theirs.
Redcloak: I guess that’s something, then. How are the men?
Hobgoblin: Shaken, but holding in there.
Redcloak: Good. And the general?
Hobgoblin: I’m sorry, Supreme Leader. He was in the courtyard.
Redcloak: Damn it! OK, get back to your legion and relay my orders.
Hobgoblin: Yes, sir.
Xykon: So, just about ready for us to get out of here?
Redcloak: “Get out of here”? Why would we want to do that??
Xykon: Uh, because they won and we lost? Didn’t you get the memo, it was taped to an exploding castle?
Redcloak: We didn’t lose, we destroyed the Sapphire Guard. Oh, sure, there may be a few stray paladins left here and there, but their numbers are depleted, their headquarters has been destroyed, and their base of operations has been conquered. As an organization, stick a fork in them, they’re done. If we did nothing else here today, at least no more young goblin children will have to watch their family be slaughtered by blue-clad humans.
Xykon: Gosh, I’m getting teary just thinking about it! Oh, no, wait, that’s just condensation on my undead skull. Sending spell for Redcloak: All I care about is the MacGuffin, and ours just blew up. Time to hit the road and find the next one.
Redcloak: I don’t think you’re looking at this the right way, sir. Yes, we failed to obtain the Gate –
Xykon: Understatement!
Redcloak: – but we’ve hardly achieved nothing. Azure City’s armed forces are dead or routing. The explosion took out most of their remaining troops. We’re in undisputed control right now.
Xykon: So what?? Still no ultra-powerful artifact that we can use to rule the world.
Redcloak: Sir, we almost died up there because we didn’t know that the Gate was guarded by a legion of ghost… things. We need to do some serious research before we head to the next Gate, and I would bet good money that somewhere in this city, someone wrote down how the other Gates are guarded. We can take our time learning what we need, because as of right now, we own this city!
Xykon: … I don’t suppose we kept the receipt?

4670467
Learn to Play it Right
Haley, Hinjo, Belkar, Durkon, Elan, Daigo

Haley: … Well, OK, then. Good game, people, time to pack it in.
Hinjo: What? What do you mean?
Haley: I mean, we’re done here. We’re leaving, now.
Belkar: Thank you! I’m sick to death of the color blue!
Hinjo: You can’t leave!
Belkar: Tell that to my perfectly-muscled ass as it walk out the door.
Haley: I’m not trying to be cold, Hinjo, but come on. There’s nothing left we can do here. Our leader is dead, our most powerful member is MIA, and Durkon has been healing us all day.
Durkon: Most o’ it off-panel, but still.
(D): Most of it off-panel, but still.
Haley: We’re tapped out. We need to retreat, rest, and come back at this problem from some other angle.
Hinjo: What are you talking about?? You guys could kill hundreds more today!!
Haley: Too bad that there’s still tens of thousands left to be killed. Not to mention Xykon – you remember Xykon, he killed Roy – is still flying around up there. If we start making a scene, knocking off hobgoblins left and right, we’re gonna have an sorcerer lich ALL up in our business faster than you can say, “inappropriate encounter level.”
Durkon: An’ we’re in no shape ta fight Xykon anymore. I mean, he somehow beat tha ghost o’ Soon, else O-Chul wouldn’ta blow tha Gate, right?
(D): And we’re in no shape to fight Xykon anymore. I mean, he somehow beat the ghost of Soon, else O-Chul wouldn’t blow the Gate, right?
Hinjo: I suppose that’s true.
Haley: When I was little, my daddy taught me the words of a very wise man: “You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away and know when to run.”
Elan: Amen.
Belkar: The man makes some fine roast chicken.
Hinjo: But I can’t leave azure City in its hour of need!
Haley: First, not to put a too fine a point on it, we, the Order of the Stick, are leaving. Whether you join us is, frankly, up to you. And second, Azure City’s hour of need was, like, three hours ago, and you were there for that. This is now OUR hour of need, as in, “need not to get killed for no reason.” Roy may have been OK with dying as a hero, but I’d much rather live as one. Winning the battle isn’t on the table anymore. Surviving the battle is the priority now, and it’s slipping away fast.
Durkon: Lad, I know it’s hard, but she ain’t wrong. Thar’s nuthin’ ye can do right now, but if’n ye leave, ye can come back stronger.
(D): Lad, I know it’s hard, but she isn’t wrong. There’s nothing you can do right now, but if you leave, you can come back stronger.
Hinjo: What about all of the people that will die between now and then?
Durkon: It cannae be more than tha people who’ll die if’n ye ne’er came back at all, ‘cause ye died fightin’ a hopeless battle today. Ye gotta do tha good ye can, when ye can. Else you end up doin’ na good at all.
(D): It cannot be more than the people who’ll die if you never came back at all, because you died fighting a hopeless battle today. You got to do the best* you can, when you can. Else you end up doing no good at all.
Elan: And don’t forget the people on the boats. I mean, they’re your people, too, and you totally don’t want to leave them in the hands of a doodoo-head like that Kubota guy. He reminds me too much of my brother.
Hinjo: I … I can’t run away! That’s not what a paladin does when evil attacks!
Belkar: Yeah, well, you need –
Daigo: Sir? Sir, I know it isn’t really my place to say, but … if we’re going to ever retake the city, we’ll need you leading the charge. Not the nobles, who are, as the bard said, doodoo heads. You’re a very good paladin, sir, but – right now, I think our people need their lord more than they need a paladin.
Hinjo: … Fine, we’ll retreat.
Belkar: And another thing – You need to get over your overcompensating-for-something paladin ego that say you need to go down fighting like a dumbass. Do what you need to do for your lame blue city, even if you turn a lovely shade of tan for it. Your uncle had it figured out, you know, but he was less of a wuss then you are. Your stupid sissy honor isn’t more important then making sure that when it’s all over, Xykon has been stomped into the dirt.
Haley: Umm, Belkar, he already agreed to retreat with us…
Belkar: Yeah, but I was all psyched up to call him a dumbass, a wuss and a sissy when No-Name cut me off. It’s what I call an “Insult of Opportunity”.

4680468
Splitting Up is Hard to Do
Hinjo, Haley, Belkar, Elan, Durkon, Skullsy, Kazumi, Daigo

Hinjo: Here’s the tunnel I was talking about. It won’t get us all the way to the docks, but it will let us get past a lot of hobgoblins. We’ll have to make the rest of the way above ground.
Haley: Wait, the docks? I thought all the ships left this morning.
Hinjo: One didn’t. Lien is still holding my personal junk there.
Belkar: Heh heh, your junk.
Hinjo: If we can get to it, we can reunite with the civilian fleet – and the nobles.
Haley: Good plan. You, Elan, Belkar, Durkon, and the two redshirts should head for the boat.
Hinjo: Huh? What about you?
Haley: I need to go retrieve a friend’s corpse.
Elan: What?? By yourself? It’s too dangerous!
Haley: That’s precisely why I need to go alone: this job need stealth. I can sneak past the soldiers, snag Roy’s body and shove it into one of my Bags of Holding. Then I’ll haul ass and meet you at the boat. Heck, my Movement Speed is better than Hinjo’s or Durkon’s, I may even beat you there.
Elan: But… But…
Haley: It’s the only way to get Roy’s body back, baby. Durkon needs his body if he’s going to raise him from the dead.
Belkar: Heh heh, Durkon needs Roy’s body.
Haley: It’ll be OK, Elan. Hobgoblins have crappy Listen and Spot checks, I’ll slip right past them.
Elan: Sigh, OK… but only because it’s for Roy. I just wish I had more ranks in Hide so I could go too.
Belkar: Good, glad that’s settled. I’m going with Haley.
Haley: What? No, I’ll be fine.
Elan: Wow, Belkar, I can’t believe you care so much about Roy!
Belkar: I don’t give a dire rat’s ass about Roy, you idiot! But if you remember the terms of the oh-my-gods-can-it-get-more annoying Mark of Justice, I can’t be more than one mile from Roy’s position without it going off. And he had the gall to get killed a good three miles from the docks. Plus, I’d rather you didn’t put him in a Bag of Holding. With my luck, pushing him in an extraplanar space like that, will count as him being on another plane of existence, and the stupid curse will go off anyway. Together, we’re more than strong enough to carry him back. So, like it or not, I’m going with you.
Haley: Well, you do have a good Hide skill…OK. You can come.
Durkon: Wha’ aboot Vaarsuvius? ‘E’s still out thar.
(D): What about Vaarsuvius? He’s still out there.
Haley: I don’t know. But tomorrow, you can prepare a Sending spell and we can try to make contact – if V’s alive.
Hinjo: OK, then. We’ll meet you at the docks, then.
Haley: Yup. Good luck.
Hinjo: May the Twelve Gods bless you.
Haley: Save a spot for me.
Elan: I’ll find the comfiest seat on the boat.
Haley: … I love you.
Elan: I love you, too.
Belkar: HEY! Break it up! Don’t make me use the Fireball on you two!!
Skullsy: Ugh, biology is disgusting.
Kazumi: So… I know this is kinda forward of me, but when this whole thing is over, would you like to maybe go get a cup of –
Daigo: Absolutely.

4690469
Crossbones
Hobgoblin #1, Hobgoblin #2, Hobgoblin #3, Hobgoblin #4, Hobgoblin #5, Hobgoblin #6, Haley, Belkar, Skullsy

Hobgoblin #1: – look, I’m just saying, after ,what, eight seasons? I think we deserved a more definite ending.
Hobgoblin #2: That’s because you don’t get the point, which is –
Hobgoblin #3: Will you two shut up about that already?
Haley: <whisper> We need to get rid of those guards without raising the alarm…
Belkar: <whisper> Leave it to me, I’ll use the skull.
Haley: <whisper> Belkar, everyone will see a Fireball!
Belkar: <whisper> Relax, like all great appliances, it has more than one speed. Check it out: Fear beam, Skullsy.
Skullsy: Yes, sir.
Hobgoblin #1: I’m afraid I left the oven on!
Hobgoblin #2: I’m afraid I’m losing my individuality!
Hobgoblin #3: I’m afraid of fear itself!
Hobgoblin #1, Hobgoblin #2 & Hobgoblin #3: Ahhhhhh!!!
Haley: Hey, not bad. That skull is useful.
Belkar: I know, it’s like having a wand that I can activate with Intimidate.
Haley: It’s a shame you’ll have to give it up eventually.
Belkar: What are you talking about? Skullsy is here to stay! And forget just the magic beams, I can think of dozens of uses for him: Alarm system, bottle opener, stool, can crusher, nutcracker, paperweight, bowling ball …
Skullsy: …
Belkar: … Emergency chamber pot…
Skullsy: … OK, that’s it. That’s the last straw. HEY! HOBGOBLIN GUYS!
Haley: Shhhhh!
Belkar: What are you doing?!?
Skullsy: THIS HUMAN AND THIS HALFLING ARE TRYING TO SNEAK OUT OF THE CITY!
Belkar: HEY! Shut the hell up, you third-rate Yorick knock-off!
Skullsy: Yeah, it turns out there WAS something I was more afraid of than being destroyed. So I literally don’t have to take your crap. FIREBALL!
Haley: Belkar, you took no damage!
Belkar: Huh, when did I learn Evasion?
Skullsy: ESCAPING HEROES IN AISLE FIVE! COME ON, GOBLINS! GET OVER HERE AND KILL THEM!
Haley: Give me that!
Belkar: Hey!
Hobgoblin #4: Did you hear that voice?
Hobgoblin #5: Yeah, it sort of sounded like Xykon.
Hobgoblin #6: Guys, someone set off a Fireball over here!
Haley: Damn it! They’re coming this way!
Belkar: Why would you betray me, Skullsy? I gave you everything: a home, a sense of purpose, the ability to fit in the overhead compartment of airplanes…
Haley: Belkar, we’ve got to go! Forget about the stupid skull!
Belkar: Easy for you to say, you probably already have a dozen sentient beings that you can that a dump in! I don’t get anything nice!
Haley: Come on!
Belkar: Nah, screw it. Sneaking around was getting boring. I say, let ‘em come. I’ve killed their kind before, I can do it again. I don’t even care about any stupid curse, I’ll find a way. Maybe I’ll strangle them with their own intestines, it will count as a suicide.
Hobgoblin Cleric #4: There they are!
Hobgoblin Cleric #5: Looks like we handed out the t-shirts too early!
Belkar: Do you hear that, Orangina? Your ass is mine! I’m gonna – Oh, man… Getting chased by goblins! This brings back some memories, eh?
Haley: Oh, yeah, good times all around.

4700470
With Three Arrows Left in the Quiver
Belkar, Haley

Belkar: Hey, you know, Durkon’s got the right idea… this “getting carried” thing is a breeze!
Haley: Damn it! We do NOT have time for this! How many are chasing us?
Belkar: Uhhh… 21. No, wait, 22. That one guy was blocked by the pile of human corpses. Heh heh, human corpses.
Haley: OK, wait here… I’ll just be a moment.
Belkar: Huh? Where are you going?
Haley: All ready!
Belkar: You know, this is where I normally make an offensive – possibly sexist – remark… but that was just too awesome to ruin with words.
Haley: Gee, if I’d known that shooting hobgoblins would render you speechless, I would have saved that last one for later.

Kwarkpudding

2008-10-26, 10:19 AM

471-480

4710471
A Triumphant Return
Hinjo, Elan, Durkon, Kazumi, Daigo

Hinjo: OK, this is the armory. The docks are about another half mile from here.
Elan: Durkon, turn your Darkvision off!
Durkon: Och, sorry lad.
(D): Oh, sorry, lad.
Hinjo: Look! The boat is still here!
Durkon: Aye, but we’d better be quick, else it’ll leave – or worse, tha hobbo’s’ll get ta it ‘fore we do!
(D): Yes, but we’d better be quick, else it’ll leave – or worse, the hobbos’ll get to it before we do!
Hinjo: This way!
Elan: Hey, look! A shiny new lute!
Kazumi: Elan, come on! We need to hurry!
Elan: I lost my old lute in Cliffport when my evil twin brother knocked me out in an alley.
Kazumi: OK, but why are you standing here?
Elan: The sign on the door says, “Back in 15 minutes.”
Kazumi: Elan, we don’t have 15 minutes! Just break the glass and take it!
Elan: That would be stealing! Like, in a BAD way!
Kazumi: Then leave the gold pieces for it!
Elan: Oooo! Good idea!
Kazumi: Didn’t that hurt?
Elan: No. Dashing Swordsmen are immune to damage from shattered glass. It helps us make dramatic window entrances. “Well, hello!” Oh, hi, Mr. Lute. Say, would you like to come with us and be my new friend? “I sure would, Elan! Let’s go!” Hooray, our long luteless nightmare is over! This is just like when Roy had his sword fixed! Or when Haley got her voice back! Or when Vaarsuvius was turned back into an elf. Or when Roy was turned back into a boy. Or when I got a new magic rapier. Twice.
Daigo: Will you stop pointing out the repetitiveness of the B-plots and hurry up?!?

4720472
I’ll Hold Them Off
Elan, Kazumi, Daigo

Elan: Enact, enact, enact, enact the daring escape scene!
Kazumi: Look out! Hobgoblins! Elan, catch up and protect Lord Hinjo!
Daigo: We’ll take care of these guys.
Elan: What? No! Don’t you understand? Saying, “You go, I’ll hold them off,” is a death sentence, even for main characters! And you guys don’t have names!!
Daigo: Lord Hinjo must escape safely!
Elan: But the nameless soldiers always die!
Kazumi: GO!! That’s ridiculous anyway.
Daigo: What, that holding off the enemies while someone else escapes is an automatic death sentence?
Kazumi: No, that we don’t have names. I have a name. My name is Kazumi Kato!
Daigo: Right, and my name is – URRGH!
Kazumi: No! You can’t … we still need to get that cup of …
Daigo: unnnnhhh… Kazumi… is a pretty name…
Kazumi: Thank you. What’s yours?
Daigo: … … Daigo. … Huh. I, uh, I think I’m OK now.
Kazumi: Wow. I guess having a name really DOES matter. Do you have a last name?
Daigo: Yeah, but I think I should save it for an emergency.
Kazumi: Good idea.

4730473
On the Waterfront
Lien, Durkon, Hinjo, Captain Axe, Elan, Kazumi, Daigo, Redcloak, Xykon

Lien: My parents were fishermen. When I a little girl, I stood right there and learned how to clean the fish they had caught. I’m telling you this so that you know… when I say that if you take one more step, I will gut you like the Catch of the Day – it is NOT hyperbole. *sigh* So much for the Intimidate check; homestyle hobgoblin fillets, coming up.
Durkon: Och, did I singe ye a bit, lass? Thor’s Lightning can be a bit all o’er tha place…
(D): Oh, did I singe you a bit, lass? Thor’s Lightning can be a bit all over the place…
Lien: So not complaining. Lord Hinjo!! You’re – you’re alive!
Hinjo: As are you, thank the Twelve Gods. I guess that doubles the current resources of the Sapphire Guard. Lien, why didn’t this boat launch already? I gave you orders to send it as soon as the refugees were loaded.
Lien: Well, I’d love to take for disobeying an order in such a way that will likely end up saving your live, but I can’t. I’ve been trying to order the ship to launch for more than an hour, but the captain refuses.
Captain Axe: This is the Lord of the City’s boat, and I’ll not sail it unless he’s safely aboard.
Hinjo: Commendable in spirit, Captain…
Captain Axe: Axe, sir. They call me Captain Axe.
Hinjo: … but in the future I prefer t have my orders obeyed, even if they cause me personal inconveniences later.
Durkon: Come on, lass. Ye look like ye could use a Cure Somethin’ Wounds Spell.
(D): Come on, lass. You look like you could use a Cure Something Wounds Spell.
Lien: Yes, please! I ran out of my own healing about six disembowelment threats ago.
Hinjo: Elan! Good, you made it!
Elan: Is Haley here?
Hinjo: No, not yet. What about the two soldiers who were with you?
Elan: They’re dead. They died a heroic death to save us all.
Kazumi: Actually, we’re right here.
Elan: Wait, if you listen closely, you can almost hear their voices…
Kazumi: I should hope so, we’re 5 feet behind you!
Elan: Yes, of course they are behind me, as well as in front of me. Their spirits are all around us now, guiding us…
Kazumi: Any chance of guiding him to turn around?
Daigo: I was thinking more of guiding him into the ocean…
Hinjo: OK, OK, before this devolves into a zany comic sketch where Elan thinks he’s seeing ghosts, I want all three of you on board and ready to repel the enemy.
Captain Axe: Your Lordship, now that you’re here, we will set sail immediately.
Hinjo: Not so fast. We need to wait for two more: a halfling and a Northern woman.
Captain Axe: Sir, the enemy has tried to seize this boat twice already. We need to get you out of here before they sent more troops!
Hinjo: We’re going to wait here as long as possible, Captain. Those are my orders. Leave the ship’s defence to me and my people. Your men should be ready to cast off when I give the order.
Captain: Aye, sir, if that’s what you think is best.
Hinjo: Now we just need to pray to the gods that no one notices us before then…
Redcloak: Hey, I’m gonna go sink the last boat they have tied up. Wanna come?
Xykon: Nah, Teevo is helping me edit my submission to “World’s Funniest Protagonist Deaths.”
Redcloak: OK. Back in a few.

4740474
The Body Snatcher
Haley, Belkar, Mummy Roy, Hobgoblin Cleric, Shadow Roy, Vampire Roy, Monster in the Darkness

Haley: Are we being followed?
Belkar: No. it looks like they’re focusing their efforts on people escaping into the mountains, so they aren’t really looking out here on the plains.
Haley: Good, because Roy’s body should be right over – *gasp!*
Belkar: Ah, crap. Are you SURE this is the place you saw him fall, Haley?
Haley: Yes! His sword is here, plus that amulet. Maybe the vultures ate the body?
Belkar: Yeah, I’m sure these are members of the rare Armor-Eating vulture subspecies.
Haley: Well, he’s got to be within a mile or your Mark would have activated. Can you track whoever took the body?
Belkar: I think so, there are tracks all over the place.
Haley: I bet it was one of the hobgoblin clerics who took it. They were animating undead during the battle, you know. What if they turned Roy into a zombie??
Belkar: He’d be more fun at parties?
Haley: Or wait – what if they turned him into another type of undead – like a mummy?
Mummy Roy: Hey, that’s pretty comfortable. What’s the thread count on this?
Hobgoblin Cleric: 600
Mummy Roy: Silky.
Haley: Or a shadow?!?
Shadow Roy: Who knows what stupidity lurks in the hearts of men?
Haley: Or – gasp – a vampire?!?
Vampire Roy: Sorry about that. I just want you to know that I’m horribly conflicted about needing to kill sentient beings to sustain my – Mmmm, what is that smoky flavor in your blood cholesterol? Is that gouda? Damn, that’s tasty.
Haley: Just think of all the d10’s he’d need to buy…
Belkar: Yeah, I don’t think so. They’re definitely NOT hobgoblin footprints, and they’re not Undead Roy’s, either. I don’t know what made them.
Haley: Wait, look! I think we have our answer, sort of.
Belkar: Oh, man. That’s just wrong. That poor, poor bastard.
Monster in the Darkness: Would either of you gentlemen care for another scone? They’re fat-free. … No? OK, more for me!

4750475
Crashing the Party
Haley, Belkar, Demon Roach, Monster in the Darkness, Goblin

Haley: And is that O-Chul with him? How did he survive the castle?
Belkar: How should I know? Those paladins are like roaches.
Demon Roach: Hey!
Haley: We need to get them both out of there.
Belkar: Cool, I’ll attack from the left, you cover me.
Haley: Belkar, whoever is under that pink kitty umbrella is having a tea party. They’re obviously a child of some sort. We’re not going to kill a child.
Belkar: Unless we have to?
Haley: What?
Belkar: Come on, at least give me a little hope!
Haley: *sigh* OK, we’re not going to kill a child unless we absolutely have to.
Belkar: Good enough.
Haley: Um, excuse me? Hello?
Monster in the Darkness: Wow, more guests? It’s the social event of the season!
Haley: No, uh, we’re here to pick up our two friends over there.
Monster in the Darkness: You’re friends with Flopsy and Mr. Stiffly?
Haley: … Sure. Anyway, it’s getting really late, and they need to go beddy-bye, so we’ll just take them –
Monster in the Darkness: Hey, stop! They haven’t finished their scones yet!
Haley: They’ll eat them on the road.
Monster in the Darkness: No –
Belkar: I’ll drag Roy, you grab the paladin.
Monster in the Darkness: STOP! … please?
Haley: OK.
Belkar: Stopping now.
Monster in the Darkness: You can’t take my new friends. We were about to play monopoly.
Haley: <whisper> We don’t have that kind of time.
Belkar: <whisper> Nobody has that kind of time.
Haley: Look, if we take them now… you’ll get more scones for yourself, like you said.
Monster in the Darkness: Actually, I had enough scones. I could really go for some stew. I like stew.
Haley: Well, uh, it just so happens that my friend Belkar here knows how to cook some fantastic stew.
Monster in the Darkness: Really??
Belkar: What??
Haley: Oh, absolutely. I’ll make you a deal. If Belkar makes you some delicious stew, will you let us take Roy and O-Chul home?
Monster in the Darkness: Who?
Haley: Uh, I mean Flopsy and Mr. Stiffly.
Monster in the Darkness: Ummm… well, OK, I guess. But only because I can’t help feeling like I’ve seen you somewhere before… And it had better be awfully delicious, because I have very high standards.
Goblin: Hey, look at this moldy cheeseburger I just found behind my sock drawer.
Monster in the Darkness: Dibs!!
Haley: OK, it’s a deal.
Belkar: Haley, may I have a word with you? That word is, “What the hell are you doing?”
Haley: You told me once that you had skill ranks in Profession (chef), right? So you cook some stew quick, we grab ourselves a pair of incapacitated warrior-types and scoot out of here.
Belkar: First of all, I told you that in one of the Dragon Magazine comics, so I’m not even sure that’s the same continuity. And second of all, I told you I have ranks in Profession (gourmet chef). Does this look like a fully-stocked professional kitchen to you??
Haley: So? Improvised tools, it’s a -2 penalty to your skill check. I do it all the time with lockpicking.
Belkar: I have 4 ranks and an ability score penalty, every -2 counts! Although… he was eating fat-free scones, so his palate can’t be that refined…
Haley: Good, ‘cause I’m not fighting that thing, whatever it is, so you better get your little foodie butt in gear and whip up some stew. And make it snappy too, we need to get back to the boat ASAP.
Belkar: Fine, I’ll do it. But I hope you have some idea where I can get the ingredients, particularly some kind of beef or chicken or –

4760476
I Don’t Suppose You Have Any Nutmeg?
Belkar, Demon Roach, Haley, Monster in the Darkness

Belkar: And just a pinch of Mama Bitterleaf’s Secret +2 Circumstance Bonus Ingredient.
Demon Roach: Hey, Buzzcut! Can I stop with the fire yet?
Belkar: There are two jobs available for you: Providing the fire, or providing the side dish.
Demon Roach: Do you need hotter? Because I can do hotter.
Haley: Hey, Belkar, can we speed this up? we need to meet Elan.
Belkar: I’ve been cooking for ten minutes! I’m no Iron Chef!
Demon Roach: Frankly, you’re no Rachel Ray, either.
Belkar: Hey!
Haley: Well, the thin under the umbrella is starting to talk about how he’d like to be the thimble this time, so I think this plan is now-or-never. Here you go, one piping hot pot of fresh vulture stew.
Monster in the Darkness: Oooooo! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Mmmmm! Stewy!
Demon Roach: He likes it! Mikey likes it!
Belkar: Well, looks like I’m a sexy shoeless god of cooking, too.
Haley: Great, then we’ll take our friends and leave.
Monster in the Darkness: Awwww, I guess. I’m really going to miss them, you know. Goodbye, Flopsy! Goodbye, Mr. Stiffly! I’ll write to you every day.
Haley: I’ll drag Roy, you get O-Chul.
Belkar: Can’t we just stuff the paladin in the Bag of Holding.
Haley: No, he’d suffocate in there. Hey there, Roy. Don’t you worry, we’re one step closer to you taking back your job here.
Demon Roach: I dunno, I think he can use the time off.
Belkar: Awww, what’s the matter, Haley? Your stint as the leader of the Order of the Stick not living up to your expectations?
Haley: No, it’s not that. It’s just that –
Monster in the Darkness: Wait a second. You guys are the Order of the Stick?
Haley: You’ve heard of us?
Monster in the Darkness: Yeah… I think I’m supposed to devour you. …Small campaign world, huh?

4770477
Shock and Awwwwww
Monster in the Darkness, Haley, Belkar, Demon Roach

Monster in the Darkness: I mean, Xykon was supposed to introduce me first, though, so I’m not entirely sure…
Haley: Xykon?!? I thought you were just a wandering monster!
Belkar: Screw this! Say hello to my little pointy friends!
Monster in the Darkness: But he’s not here. I don’t want to get in trouble… Will I get in more trouble for eating you when I’m not supposed to, or not eating you when I am supposed to? This is hard!
Demon Roach: 0 for 5, sucker!
Monster in the Darkness: On one hand, I can’t uneat you once I’ve chowed down. So it would be the safer bet to not.
Haley: Is he not even noticing you’re attacking him?
Belkar: I have an idea. Follow my lead.
Monster in the Darkness: But then, Xykon himself always seems to err on the side of whomping first and asking questions later. Literally. And I do want to get out of this darkness. But once I reveal myself, I can’t go back to hiding. I mean, I could, but it would be seriously lame. So I might get in trouble for stepping out of the darkness even if I am supposed to eat them! Oh, to heck with it! I’m still hungry anyway! I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna cast down this umbrella and show the world what I – … Hey, where’d they go? Awww, man! They’re getting away! I suck as a monster.
Demon Roach: Stomp on the ground.
Monster in the Darkness: Huh?
Demon Roach: Stomp on the ground, like you did when Xykon wouldn’t buy you those Transformers. Trust me.
Monster in the Darkness: What, you mean just like this – Wow! I didn’t know I could do* that!!
Demon Roach: Heh heh. Now who’s the side dish, halfling?
Belkar: Holy crap! What’s happening?
Haley: It’s an earthquake! No! Roy!! … I’m sure Durkon can fix that, too.
Belkar: Sorry, Scarface. Looks like one of us got an appointment with that thing’s esophagus, and I nominate you, on account of not being me.
Haley: Belkar! I got a rope around Roy, help me pull him up! Where’s O-Chul?
Belkar: I lost my grip on him. He fell back towards the monster.
Haley: What?? We have to go back!
Belkar: There’s no time, the boat is waiting! We got who we came for, let’s get out of here.
Haley: But O-Chul is still alive!
Belkar: More to the point, so are we! But only if we leave NOW! “Know when to walk away, know when to run.” Right? I think this qualifies as a “run”.
Haley: Damn it! DAMN IT!
Belkar: Did you… did you shoot Roy’s corpse in the nuts?
Monster in the Darkness: Mr. Stiffly! You came back!! I knew you weren’t like the others. We’re friends, right? Of course we are! Come on, let’s play our game. I’ll let you be the banker.
Demon Roach: Aren’t you going to chase down the other three?
Monster in the Darkness: Nah, I’m really tired all of a sudden. And still hungry. I think I’ll lick the stew pot clean. It’s great to have a friend like you, Mr. Stiffly. When they get done with the stuff in the city, I want you to meet all my friends. You’ve already met Mr. Dragon and the roaches. But I’m sure Xykon and Redcloak and Xykon’s brothers will be really excited to meet you, too. We’re all going to have so much fun!

4780478
On Usefulness
Haley, Belkar, Captain Axe, Hinjo, Elan, Durkon, Vaarsuvius

Haley: Come on, we need to get back to the tower and through that tunnel. We need to get to the dock without fighting our way through the entire army.
Belkar: Hopefully, the – ah, crap! CRAP!
Haley: What? What is it?
Belkar: I just had the urge to say, “Hopefully, the others will have had an easier time than we have!”
Haley: Damn it! You know what that means, right?
Belkar: Yeah, that they’re almost certainly in deep sh –
Captain Axe: Sir, that fiendish octopus can crack this boat like a fortune cookie! We must leave while we can!
Hinjo: Leave the octopus to us. We’re not leaving just yet. Besides, if we kill that goblin cleric now, it’ll be easier to retake the city later.
Captain Axe: But –
Hinjo: Durkon, Lien, come with me!
Elan: Oh, so you’re gonna hurt innocent civilians? I guess it’s time I gave you a little squid pro quo! Oooof!
Hinjo: Elan, I don’t think it can hear your puns.
Elan: Are you sure? ‘Cuz Belkar has pretty much the exact same reaction whenever he hears one of them.
Durkon: We’ll handle tha gobbo an’ ‘is calamari, lad. Help Kazumi an’ Daigo hold off tha boarders.
(D): We’ll handle the goblin and his calamari, lad. Help Kazumi and Daigo hold off the boarders.
Elan: Aye, aye, skipper. Now I just need to figure out who “Kazumi” and “Daigo” are… Excuse me, huddled masses! Pardon me! PC coming through! PC coming – Vaarsuvius?? Is that you?
Vaarsuvius: Um… hello, Elan. I assure you there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for why I am attempting to hide among these refugees.
Elan: Wow! You REALLY are the smartest!
Vaarsuvius: … I beg your pardon?
Elan: You’re so unbelievably smart that you figured out how we were gonna escape the city, and you beat us here! You’re like a super prophet person! Did you learn how to be a future psychic from Roy?
Vaarsuvius: It would be soothing to assert that your innocent take on the situation is, in fact, true. But I am afraid it is not that simple. Or rather, it is even simpler: I used my last spell, Invisibility, to flee the battle and sneak aboard the last ship in the port. I did not know that you or the others would also choose this means of escape when I did so, however.
Elan: Oh. Well, that’s OK, you’re here now. Come help us fight!
Vaarsuvius: Did you not listen? My LAST spell! I have no magic left with which to fight! My supposed “ultimate arcane power” has vacated my body, leaving me as powerless as these evacuees!
Elan: Oh, V, now you’re just being silly! If I let myself get hung up on only doing things that had any actual chance of success, I’d never do anything! I mean, I cast a spell today, and it WORKED! And we all know how much my illusions suck!
Vaarsuvius: A spell?
Elan: Yeah, it was when we –
Vaarsuvius: you cast a singular spell today?
Elan: Yeah, but –
Vaarsuvius: – and by crafting an illusion that appears to be a Celestial creature, you create within your opponents the believe that you have summoned it from beyond, thus explaining it’s sudden appearance on the battlefield – which is further reinforced by the presence of an existing summoned creature, i.e. the octopus.
Elan: Neat! I never thought of that!
Vaarsuvius: Now have the “lion”slowly advance, giving the hobgoblins plenty of time to retreat in the face of this new “threat”…

4790479
Jaws of Life
Hinjo, Crewman, Durkon, Lien

Hinjo: Tell that captain of yours to keep the civilians away from the back of the boat, we need to –
Crewman: Sir!! Look out!!
Hinjo: urk!
Durkon: I gotcha, lad. How did I cut tha tentacle wit a hammer…?
(D): I got you, lad. How did I cut the tentacle with a hammer…?
Hinjo: Thanks again, Durkon. That’s two I owe you. Any sign of Haley yet?
Lien: No, sir.
Hinjo: Then we stay, for now. Not just because I owe Roy as well, but because at this point, we’re going to need high-level characters we can trust if we’re ever going to stop Xykon’s plans. And since it wouldn’t hurt to deny them a few of their own high-level characters, I’m going after that goblin cleric. But I need that damned octopus out of my way, first. Lien –
Lien: I’m on it, sir.
Durkon: No offence, lad, but are ye sure she c’n handle a giant mollusk by ‘erself?
(D): No offence, lad, but are you sure she can handle a giant mollusk by herself?
Hinjo: We all have our special talents, Durkon. I chose O-Chul to defend the throne room because he was the toughest of us all… And I chose Lien to guard the waterfront because she has a particularly useful ace up her sleeve.
Lien: Razor, I choose you!
Durkon: Ye can have a shark as yer holy paladin mount?!?
(D): You can have a shark as your holy paladin mount?!?
Hinjo: Sure. They eat devilfish, mostly.

4800480
Change of Address Needed
Redcloak, Hobgoblin Cleric, Hinjo

Redcloak: No, to the left! THE LEFT, you stupid invertebrate! Grapple her from the – Goddamn it!
Hobgoblin Cleric: Sir, we could summon sharks of our own…
Redcloak: And give her a free sushi buffet? No thanks. She can’t take that beast out of the water, so I see no reason to hand deliver more of our resources to its waiting jaws. Summon something land-based instead and send it up the dock.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Toward the celestial lion?
Redcloak: Yeah, I’m sick of it keeping our troops at bay. No pun intended. You know, I more than a little surprised at the level of resistance they’re displaying here… Who would have thought that sinking one little boat of innocent civilians would be so tough? It’s like there’s something valuable on board… but then, why haven’t they tried to escape? Well, at any rate, throw some zombies at them for good measure. And take over the healing duties, I don’t have many spells left today.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Yes, Supreme Leader.
Redcloak: I’ll be over here if you need anything.
Hinjo: HEY! Goblin! Don’t turn your back on me!! I am the commander of the Sapphire Guard, and I am here to make you pay for your crimes against my city! Prepare to –
Redcloak: Disintegrate. Your city? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought someone would have told you by now. See, this is MY city now, paladin! I figure you owe me one village plus 35 years of interest, so this is a good start! What? I said I didn’t have many spells left.

481-4904810481
Cutting the Cord
Elan, Vaarsuvius, Zombie, Crewwoman, Crewman, Captain Axe, Durkon, Hinjo

Elan: Oh no! Hinjo’s hurt!
Vaarsuvius: Elan, you must maintain full concentration on your – illusion. *sigh*
Zombie: brains
Crewman: Lord Hinjo!
Crewwoman: Is he dead?
Captain Axe: Don’t know. All hands, weigh anchor and prepare to set sail!
Crewwoman: What?? But –
Captain Axe: Lord Hinjo is incapacitated. I’m the captain of this ship, and I’ll be damned if we’re sunk waiting on two Northerners that are probably dead already. It’s my job to protect everyone aboard – especially Hinjo. And that means getting him far away from situations where he can die heroically. Mistress Lien has graciously freed us from the octopus, and for the first time today, the wind is in our favor. We’re leaving now – or we’re all dying here!
Crewwoman: Aye, captain, understood.
Elan: Is he okay?
Durkon: Aye, tha spell dinnae kill ‘im, tho smackin’ ‘is ‘ead on tha deck knocked ‘im out cold. Cure Moderate Wounds!
(D): Aye, the spell didn’t kill him, though smacking his head on the deck knocked him out cold. Cure Moderate Wounds!
Hinjo: Unnhhh… I’m sorry, Uncle… I’ll never swipe a drink from your private stash again…
Elan: You – you big green meanie!! You’re not so tough, you know! If my friend Roy were here, he’d kill you dead! EXTRA dead!! I mean, you’re not even THAT big! I bet even I could beat you! In fact, I bet I could sort of step on you… You are awfully… tiny. …Um, guys?

4820482
Leaving Azure City
Hinjo, Captain Axe, Elan, Durkon, Kazumi

Hinjo: AXE! What in the name of the Twelve Gods are you doing?!?
Captain Axe: I’m doing my duty, Lord Hinjo. I’m getting you to safety.
Hinjo: My orders –
Captain Axe: Your orders were likely to result in your death. And that not something I can allow, not if I have the means to stop it. Your people need you. Especially the 400+ civilians aboard this junk. Unless their lives don’t mean a* anything…
Elan: Hey, does it seem like we’re moving to anyone else? Because it really seems like we’re moving to me… And if we are moving, maybe we could try moving in the other direction? Back to the dock?
Hinjo: *sigh* We’re not turning around, Elan.
Elan: What? Why not??
Hinjo: Because we got away safely. Elan, holding the ship at the dock while we waited for Haley was already too risky. I can’t, in good conscience, risk the lives of these poor people any further by turning this boat around back into a war zone. It’s too dangerous. Tomorrow we’ll contact Haley using magic and arrange a rendezvous somewhere away from the city.
Elan: But what if she gets killed tonight?!?
Hinjo: I’m sorry, Elan. We’ll try our best to find her as long as we can do it without endangering innocents.*
Elan: Well, your best isn’t good enough! I’m swimming back and finding her now!!
Durkon: Elan, don’t ye dare! Lad, if ye go back now, tha goblin’ll kill ye dead as easy as ‘e breathes. Do ye think tha’s wha Haley wants? Ta meet up wit us tom’rrow an’ have me tell ‘er, “Och, sorry, Elan’s dead, too.” Haley’s a trooper, she’s more capable of survivin’ in tha city fer 24 hours than ye are for 24 rounds, fancy shmancy prestige class na withstandin’. She ain’t some damsel in distress, she’s a high-level adventurer an’ our current leader. So sit yer ass down an’ help us get these people somewhere safe.
(D): Elan, don’t you dare! Lad, if you go back now, the goblin’ll kill you dead as easy as he breathes. Do you think that’s what Haley wants? To meet up with us tomorrow and have me tell her, “Oh, sorry, Elan’s dead, too.” Haley’s a trooper, she’s more capable of surviving in the city for 24 hours than you are for 24 rounds, fancy shmancy prestige class not withstanding. She isn’t some damsel in distress, she’s a high-level adventurer and our current leader. So sit your ass down and help us get these people somewhere safe.
Elan: I guess… I guess you’re right. Haley is tough…
Durkon: Aye, lad.
(D): Yes, lad.
Kazumi: Plus, don’t forget that she does have Belkar with her.
Elan: Let me go! I need to protect Haley!
Durkon: I cannae let ye do it, lad!!
(D): I cannot let you do it, lad!!

4830483
Broken Stick
Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Elan, Haley, Belkar, Haley’s Self-Loathing

Vaarsuvius: Elan, I have every certainty that both Miss Starshine and Sir Greenhilt will be returned to us – fully functional – by this time tomorrow.
Durkon: Aye, lad, thar’s no reason ta worry.
(D): Yes, lad, there’s no reason to worry.
Elan: I suppose… But then why do I feel like this? Why does it seem like I’ll never see either one of them again?
Vaarsuvius: Dramatic tension?
Elan: No, see, that’s more of a crampy feeling. This is more of a general ache…
Haley: Come on! We need to hurry!
Belkar: Really? I didn’t know that, since you’ve only been telling me every round for the last 15 minutes. Awww, man! Look at this! Some perfectly good looting going on, and we’re stuck on corpse duty.
Haley: I know, it pains me too, nut we need to – *gasp*
Belkar: What? What is it? I can’t see what’s –
Haley: …
Haley’s Self-Loathing: Wow, I guess you were right. He really DID leave you as soon as you got close to him. Guess you really weren’t good en –
Haley: Come on. We need to find shelter before a patrol finds us, and I don’t think that tunnel will stay secret for much longer.
Belkar: OK, elf, enough with the jokes. You got me, fair enough, now bring the ship back. … No, seriously, Wherever you’re hiding: You really had me thinking for a minute that we got left behind. Great illusion. Now, can we just get out this stupid city already? ... Vaarsuvius?

4840484
At the End of the Day
Lien, Hinjo, Kubota, Therkla, Qarr, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Elan, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness, Haley, Belkar, Tsukiko, Xykon, Eugene, Roy

Lien: The fleet… sir, didn’t have time to get many supplies onto each ship…
Hinjo: I know. We’ll need to find a place they can settle while we plan our assault to take back the city – or we’ll starve.
Kubota: Shojo’s brat survived, somehow.
Therkla: The Northerners must have protected him – he’s no match for two of my ninjas alone.
Qarr: Then this “Order of the Stick” will die first, followed by the paladin. And when you are Lord, our plans shall proceed.
Vaarsuvius: I go to rest, so that I might replenish my magic sooner.
Durkon: Aye, me too. Try ta get some rest, lad. No sense worryin’ yerself sick, right?
(D): Yes, me too. Try to get some rest, lad. No sense worrying yourself sick, right?
Elan: …
Redcloak: Damn it! I’m so stupid, I should have captured that paladin instead of killing him! Now where am I going to find someone who knows how the other Gates are protected?!?
Monster in the Darkness: ♪
Haley: <whisper> Durkon knows the plan. He’ll contact is magically – and Vaarsuvius, too – as soon as he’s able.
Belkar: Wait, hold on: You’re saying the boat ACTUALLY left us behind?!?
Haley: <whisper> Keep your voice down!
Tsukiko: Oooo! What’s that, Lord Xykon, a headband?
Xykon: Just a little toy I found one morning in my Wheaties®. Cloister! Ladies and Gentlemen, Azure City is officially of the grid.
Eugene: Gosh, son, thanks so much for destroying Xykon for me. My spirit will rest easy now.
Roy: Shut up, Dad.

4850485
Hey! You! Get off my Cloud!
Eugene, Roy

Eugene: HUZZAH! Three cheers for the conquering hero! Let us kill the fatted calf to celebrate his victory!
Roy: Knock it off.
Eugene: You seem upset for some unknown reason. Come now, what’s eating you, son? Oh! That’s right! Vultures!
Roy: I’m serious, Dad, I don’t want to hear it.
Eugene: What exactly don’t you want to hear, oh firstborn son of mine. That your cunning plan of jumping on the back of a moving dragon and hitting Xykon with a shiny metal stick not only failed to destroy our family’s sworn foe – but also directly lead you falling 300 feet to your demise? Or more to the point how through your ineffective leadership, Xykon overran one of the oldest bastions of the forces of Good on the mortal plane?
Roy: HEY! That was NOT my fault! I’m not the leader of Azure City, Hinjo is.
Eugene: Horsecrap. You were the highest level Good character on the field, and a PC to boot. It was your fight to lose.
Roy: So what you’re saying is, “With great power comes great blame.”
Eugene: I assumed that was understood.
Roy: Well, I hate to break it to you, Dad, but this isn’t the end of the line. More like halftime.
Eugene: What? How can you halve time itself?
Roy: *sigh* I should have known a sports metaphor would be wasted on you. What I mean is, the fight against Xykon isn’t over yet. As soon as Durkon and Haley get their respective acts together, I’ll be back in the world of the living and we’ll strike back at Xykon.
Eugene: Ooooo, yes! And while your friends collect the seven magic spheres to wish you back to live, you can train with the secret martial arts master that lives here in the afterlife!
Roy: … Really?
Eugene: No, not really, you moron! Does this look like “Dargonball Z” to you?!?
Roy: Could have fooled me, that battle took long enough…
Eugene: you’re stuck here, just like me, with not much to do but wait. It figures. I go through all that trouble to hitch your little red wagon to an ally with enough money and power to get the job done twice… and you stand there twiddling your thumbs while he gets chopped in two. I suppose hanging out his city to dry is the only logical conclusion to your complete failure.
Roy: You know, this place looks a LOT different than I expected…
Eugene: What are you talking about?
Roy: Well, I died, and now I’m standing here listening to you berate me. So where’s the fire and brimstone? Where are all the devils?
Eugene: Cute, really cute, Roy.
Roy: I repent, oh Lords of the Underworld! Whatever I did to deserve this eternal punishment, I repent! I’ll take the hot pokers, just don’t make me talk to my father!
Eugene: You know, it’s no walk in Arcadia for me, either. The only silver lining in this cloud we’re both stuck on is that at least now the Blood Oath will pass to Julia.
Roy: Oh my gods, Dad, reality check! Julia is 16 years old and a 3rd-level wizard! Xykon has 100 years and 7 spell levels on her! What could she possibly do against him that I couldn’t?!?
Eugene: Feather Fall.
Roy: … Damn it!
Eugene: I should’ve been so lucky.

4860486
Next on “As the Plane Turns”…
Roy, Eugene, Deva, Archon, High Priest, Violet

Roy: Ok, so if this is an infinite plane, how come you can’t seem to leave me alone?
Eugene: Infinite? Good gods, didn’t they teach you anything about planar cosmology at that school of yours? This isn’t the actual afterlife here. This is just a coexistent demiplane where the denizens of the Upper planes come to watch the mortals.
Deva: Can you believe she’s carrying Juan’s baby?
Archon: But she’s marrying his nemesis, Phillippe, tomorrow!
Eugene: It’s also the place where the souls of recently deceased folks of Good alignment come to be judged before being sent to their final rest.
Roy: Whoa, hold on a second. Tens of thousands of Good people died in that battle today. How come I don’t see any of them here?
Eugene: Because this part of the plane is where the worshippers of the Northern gods end up, and you were the only Northerner to die in that battle. Worshippers of the Southern Gods are processed on the other side of the mountain.
High Priest: Wait a minute, I had a 22!
Roy: And that mountain is –
Eugene: Don’t you listen? That’s the true afterlife for the Lawful Good types. But don’t get your hopes up for seeing it.
Roy: What do you mean?
Eugene: The magic of the Blood Oath of Vengeance I swore against Xykon keeps my soul from resting in the afterlife until he is defeated – and now that you’re dead, it’ll do the same for you.
Roy: What?!? You mean I can’t get into the Upper Planes because of this??
Eugene: Yeah, it’s a kick in the ass, isn’t it? We’re doomed to wander this fluffy cloud until Julia gets the job done. That’s why I’ve been shacking up with Violet here. (you remember her, right?) Nothing to do but watch the living or hook up with other oathspirits.
Violet: Um, actually, Eugene, if I could have a word? I’m really sorry about the short notice, but it turns out that my great-great-granddaughter managed to sunder the cursed sword that devoured my father’s soul. So, uh, I’m going to join the rest of my family on the mountain, OK?
Eugene: Oh, uh, OK. That’s cool. If I ever manage to get up there myself, I’ll look you up.
Violet: Actually… please don’t. I’d rather not have to explain you to my husband. You understand.
Roy: Oooooo, Eugene Greenhilt, kicked to the celestial curb!
Eugene: This coming from someone who was just forced into a long-distance relationship with their own body.

4870487
Their Concierge Service is Heavenly
Roy, Eugene, Bureaucratic Deva, Revolving Door Deva, Frequent Dyer

Roy: I can’t believe you never told me that this stupid oath would keep me out of the afterlife.
Eugene: I didn’t know! Not until after I was dead, anyway.
Roy: Being dead never stopped you from harassing me every night in the dungeon.
Eugene: You have to understand, there are all sorts of rules about what you can and can’t do when you manifest as a spirit. We’re not allowed to directly assist Julia at all, much less fight Xykon ourselves. Frankly, we got lucky when I hijacked Shojo’s summoning spell. I was able to skirt all sorts of restrictions until he sent me back.
Bureaucratic Deva: Excuse me, Mr. Greenhilt?
Eugene: Yes?
Roy: Yes?
Bureaucratic Deva: The junior Mr. Greenhilt?
Roy: That’s me.
Bureaucratic Deva: Nice to meet you, sir. I’m the bureaucratic Deva that’s been assigned to your case.
Roy: My … case?
Bureaucratic Deva: Yes, we need to determine your postmortal residential status in order to speed you on your way. Why don’t you take a seat at my desk while we review your life and try to figure out if the Celestial Realm is right for you?
Eugene: don’t even bother, honey. He’s an oathspirit, just like me. You’re just going to tell him –
Bureaucratic Deva: With all due respect, sir, we have a system for deciding such things – One presided over by ACTUAL beings of pure Law and Good!
Eugene: *gulp*
Bureaucratic Deva: Now, Mr. Greenhilt, where were we?
Roy: Not that seeing my father get put in his place wasn’t satisfying – because it really, really was – but he does have a point. Isn’t his little foray into Blood Magic going to tie my soul to the mortal realm until Xykon is destroyed? Besides, I’m going to get raised from the dead pretty soon, anyway.
Bureaucratic Deva: All the more reason to get the paperwork out of the way now, sir. If we examine your life and find you worthy of entering the Celestial Realms, when you are raised and subsequently killed – and clear up this Blood Oath nonsense – you’ll be ready to ascend. That way, we can “fast-track” your entry procedures, and have you on your way to eternity that much faster.
Door Deva: Welcome back, sir. Will you be staying long?
Frequent Dyer: Only ‘til morning, old chap.
Door Deva: More’s the pity. Oh well, I shall have the serving staff ready your usual accommodations.
Roy: Huh… I always thought the “revolving door afterlife” was just a metaphor…
Bureaucratic Deva: Now, you are an adventurer, so that means you’re eligible to earn Frequent Dying Miles every time you stay with us…

4880488
This is Your Life
Bureaucratic Deva, Roy, Elan

Bureaucratic Deva: …and you can earn double points when you use your Archon Express card. Would you like to fill out an application?
Roy: Uh, no, thanks. Wasn’t there going to be some sort of judging here?
Bureaucratic Deva: Oh, right! Let’s take a look at your Permanent Record, shall we?
Roy: Permanent Record?!? I didn’t know there really was one of those!
Bureaucratic Deva: Wow… your grade school principal had quite a few choice things to say about you –
Roy: It was just a joke! We didn’t know Mrs. McNulty was allergic to weasels!
Bureaucratic Deva: – but we generally don’t consider childhood escapades. Let’s see… what do we have here in the adult file… Resisting arrest?
Roy: It was on illegitimate authority.
Bureaucratic Deva: Taking gifts intended for a king?
Roy: Would’ve been destroyed in the explosion anyway.
Bureaucratic Deva: Dangling an oracle out of a window?
Roy: Really? I don’t remember that one.
Bureaucratic Deva: Abandoning a – oh my.
Roy: Uh oh.
Bureaucratic Deva: Abandoning a friend to an unknown fate.
Roy: Oh. Right. That.
Elan: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Roy: Look, OK, what I did was horrible. It really was. I shouldn’t have left Elan to those forest bandits, even if he IS some kind of Avatar of Annoyance. But I don’t think you’re looking at the whole picture. I abandoned him for, what, a few hours? Then I came to my senses. I realized what a putz I was being, and rescued him. (And the rest of the party, I might add.)
Bureaucratic Deva: Oh? And what if Elan had been killed during those few hours?
Roy: Then I… I don’t know.
Bureaucratic Deva: Hmmm. Well, at least you’re being honest about it, I’ll tell you, if you hadn’t gone back, then whether he lived or died, I would be chucking your file into the True Neutral bin right now. As it stands, there is a lot to be said for learning your lesson before you died, rather than trying to backpedal now. Because apparently just a few weeks later, you saved the same coworker from death by donning a Belt of –
Roy: <whisper> Please do not mention that incident within earshot of my father. I’m begging you here.
Bureaucratic Deva: So, I’m willing to let this black mark slide.
Roy: Nice! So what’s next?
Bureaucratic Deva: Your association with “Belkar Bitterleaf” a.k.a. “The Belkster” a.k.a. “Death’s Li’l Helper”.
Roy: … I don’t suppose we could just weigh my heart against a feather instead?
Bureaucratic Deva: Oh, no, we haven’t done that for years. The scales are a bitch to calibrate.

4890489
Keepin’ the Little Man Down
Roy, Bureaucratic Deva

Roy: Before we go any further, can I just say I find women with wings particularly attractive?
Bureaucratic Deva: Thank you, but that hardly addresses the issue at hand. You’ve been adventuring with for a year with a Chaotic Evil halfling who is constantly trying to murder anyone who gets in his way! Or looks like they might possibly be thinking about getting anywhere sort of near his way at some unspecified future point, just to be sure.
Roy: I thought only paladins were prohibited from associating with Evil characters. I’m just a fighter.
Bureaucratic Deva: That’s true. So normally, you’d be fine – what he does would be on his soul, not yours. But what complicates the issue for you is that you’ve taken on the role as his commanding officer. That means on some level, you are responsible for his actions – especially the actions he takes while pursuing your personal missions.
Roy: OK, look, Belkar is a vicious little bastard. But look at it this way: By allowing him to travel with us, I can channel him toward useful purposes.
Bureaucratic Deva: Isn’t that a little risky?
Roy: Isn’t it a little riskier to leave him unattended?
Bureaucratic Deva: You could have left him in the Azure City prison under proper legal authority.
Roy: Oh, yeah, good idea. I’m sure the current pile of rubble really would have held him for, like, 18 seconds. If I hadn’t “freed” him, he would have escaped during the battle anyway and probably become yet another recurring villain. Just what this comic strip needs more of! I let him out of jail because he’s too strong and clever – in his own brain-damaged way – to be held prisoner by any jail cell I’ve ever seen. So instead, the jail travels with him, with me as Head Warden. It’s a lot safer than betting people’s lives on the idea that Belkar can be contained by iron bars. And until then, his combat potential is used to fight an even greater Evil than himself. It’s like a work release program, really. Unless you’re telling me I should’ve just cut his throat while he sleeps?
Bureaucratic Deva: No, but –
Roy: Then I don’t see the problem.
Bureaucratic Deva: … I’m not sure how comfortable I am with the idea of you taking it upon yourself to contain him, but I’ll put it down in the file as an attempt to redeem an evildoer. That should remove the taint of his actions from his file. Luckily for you, our latest projections on what Belkar might have done without your influence back you up.
Bureaucratic Deva’s Computer Screen: Projected. Observed. EVIL (measured in kilonazis)
Roy: Who does the green line represent?
Bureaucratic Deva: A hypothetical offspring of Cruella de Ville and Sauron. It’s useful to have a baseline comparison for these things.

4900490
Final Review
Roy, Bureaucratic Deva, Eugene

Roy: – so I’m like “But you told me we didn’t want to turn right!” and Durkon says, “No, I told ye we dinnae want ta turn wrights!” Man, we had to make a lot of Fortitude saves the next day.
Bureaucratic Deva: Ha ha ha ha ha! Let me ask you something: Why did you never consider becoming a cleric yourself? You have halfway decent Wisdom and Charisma scores, you could have pulled it off.
Roy: Well, this is awkward to say, given where I am, but I’ve never really been that religious. I mean, I guess my mom raised me to worship the Northern Gods, but I always just figured as long as I don’t actively offend any of them, they’d leave me alone. The idea of playing Fetching Boy for an ultrapowerful outsider who never seems to be able to get off his divine butt and do anything for himself seemed like a less-than-satisfying existence.
Bureaucratic Deva: Well, Mr. Greenhilt, I’ve heard all that I need to hear. I’m ready to render a decision.
Roy: As a friend of mine might say, “dunh, dunh, DUNH!” Except for the total lack of suspense due to it being a forgone conclusion.
Bureaucratic Deva: Excuse me?
Roy: Look, I know it’s your job to rake me over the coals –
Bureaucratic Deva: No, you’re thinking devil, not deva.
Roy: – but we both know this is moot, because you can’t let me in due to my dear old dad’s Blood Oath.
Bureaucratic Deva: Mr. Greenhilt, we do things “by the book” around here – and it just so happens that the book in question is 100 feet tall and alight with holy fire –
Holy Book: The Book
Bureaucratic Deva: – and it says that I need to evaluate you regardless of any mitigating circumstances that may or may not be in effect.
Roy: OK, OK, knock yourself out. Geez.
Bureaucratic Deva: There are two sets of criteria I needed to consider before assigning you an afterlife. Are you Good, and are you Lawful? Luckily for you, your lack of piety isn’t an issue, only your alignment is brought into question. I don’t think there is any doubt that you’re a Good man… you regularly battle the forces of Evil without expecting compensation. And I see very few truly Evil acts… Nothing here even merits a blip on the Malev-o-meter. Though sometimes you enjoy verbally lambasting your friends and friends and foes a little too much for our tastes. You might want to cut down on that if you do end up being raised.
Roy: Yeah, but think of how many fewer punchlines I would get if I did.
Bureaucratic Deva: Now as far as Law… You’re a man who has sacrificed most of his adult life fixing the mistake his father made when he swore the Blood Oath of Vengeance against Xykon. By talking to you, I can see you’re someone for whom the idea of Responsibility is central. That certainly who be Lawful enough for us –
Roy: Yes!
Bureaucratic Deva: – except that you often veer toward Chaos in the execution of your perceived responsibilities.
Roy: Crap.
Bureaucratic Deva: Tricking your friends into participating in a quest to fix your sword – much less conspiring to work behind the backs of an order of paladins – are not acts that scream “Lawful”. Using Chaotic means to fulfill Lawful obligations strikes me as fairly Neutral… I don’t think my superiors would blink if I kicked your case over to the Neutral Good afterlife, but there’s one factor preventing me: You’re trying. You’re trying to be Lawful Good. People forget how crucial it is to keep trying, even if they screw it up now and then. They figure that if they can’t manage it perfectly every waking second, then they should just pick some other alignment because it’ll be easier. But it’s the struggle that matters. It’s easy for a being of pure Law and Good to live up to these ideals, but you’re a mortal. What matters is that when you blow it, you get back up on the horse and try again. You…well, your record is full of grey spots, but you never stop working at improving it. That’s what’s important. To us, anyway. Welcome to the Celestial Realm, Roy.
Roy: Wait, what? What about the Blood Oath of Vengeance? I thought –
Bureaucratic Deva: It’s not a problem for us. Go on up.
Eugene: WHAT?!?
Roy: In lieu of Paradise, can I just get a picture of the exact look on his face?
Bureaucratic Deva: Now, see, that’s exactly the sort of comment we’d like you to cut back on!
Roy: Maybe a 50-foot marble statue…

Kwarkpudding

2008-10-26, 10:45 AM

491-5004910491
Those Singing Lessons Cost Money, You Know
Eugene, Roy, Bureaucratic Deva, Cherubim.

Eugene: Wait just one cotton-pickin’ minute! When I died of old age, you all told me I couldn’t get in because of the Blood Oath of Vengeance I swore against Xykon when I was younger. I’ve been drifting around this cloud for years because of that! Now I know that the magic of that oath binds my children, too, so how the hell is he getting in when I’m not??
Roy: I’m guessing it is due to their very low Jackass Quota, Dad. They’re just all full at the moment.
Bureaucratic Deva: Your son is “getting in” because he died in the process of attempting to fulfill that oath. True, he could have gone about it more efficiently, but we don’t penalize people for ineffectiveness. He was doing what he thought was best, to the limit of his abilities – including his ability to judge what was best. You, on the other hand, made a conscious decision to abandon your own oath years before your death.
Eugene: eh…never mind, guys. It was a stupid oath, anyway.
Bureaucratic Deva: You stopped looking for Xykon more than 20 years ago, and even when your final death was approaching, you sought out your son at college and burdened him with the Blood Oath rather than even one last chance at fulfilling it. You broke your oath, while your son did everything he could to fulfill the vow you dumped at his feet. Therefore, he has earned his rest on the mountain, while you must wander this cloud until one of your heirs fulfills the quest. That is your punishment.
Eugene: But… but that’s not fair!
Bureaucratic Deva: Yes, it is fair. And that’s why you’re upset.
Roy: Oooooo, holy burn! Well, Dad, it’s been a blast, but some of us have an appointment through the revolving door. Adios, Dad.
Bureaucratic Deva: Oh, no, Roy, that’s only for returning patrons. As a first-timer, you’ll want that entrance behind you.
Cherubim: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !
Bureaucratic Deva: (It’s customary to tip the cherubim.)

4920492
Things to Do in Heaven When You’re Dead
Roy’s Archon, Roy, One-Night Stand, Debater, Devas

Roy’s Archon: Welcome to the mountain, Roy. I’ll be your guide through the Celestial Realm until settle in – or get raised.
Roy: Thanks, uh, little ball of light.
Roy’s Archon: Actually, my name is “Roy’s Archon”.
Roy: That… is incredibly convenient.
Roy’s Archon: Exactly. Now, I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a map with a few of the attractions that I felt may appeal to you.
Roy: “Attractions”?
Roy’s Archon: Sure. We couldn’t call it Paradise if you sat around all the time doing nothing. For example, I’ve highlighted the Tavern of Infinite One-Night Stands…
One-Night Stand: I’m really interested in hearing you talk about yourself.
Roy’s Archon: …the Debate Hall Where You’re Always Right…
Debater: Huh. You know, I never really thought about it that way.
Roy’s Archon: … and the Dungeon of Monsters That Are Just Strong Enough to Really Challenge You.
Deva #1: Wait, so if I have two CR 11’s and I add one CR 8, what EL does that add up to?
Deva #2: Oh, just eyeball it already.
Roy: Is there any place to eat?
Roy’s Archon: Well, you don’t strictly NEED to eat anymore, but if you just want to enjoy the taste of food, I’d recommend All Steaks Go to Heaven, just past the Bless-ateria.
Roy: What’s the big red star?
Roy’s Archon: That’s your mother’s house. I recommend going there first. When you’ve been here for a while, you can requisition your own house, but until then, you’ll be staying with your closest relative.
Roy: Which is my mother.
Roy’s Archon: which is your mother, yes.
Roy: So I could have all the one-night-stands I want, but I’d have to have them at my mother’s house? Are you trying to make people feel guilty about sex?
Roy’s Archon: Actually, yes. We’ve found that our Lawful patrons generally expect it that way.

4930493
Led Zeppelin Lied to Us All
Roy, Roy’s Archon, Soldier, Soldier’s Archon

Roy: Does this mountain never end?
Roy’s Archon: Why? It’s not like you get tired anymore, you’re dead.
Roy: Yeah, but it’s not exactly easy, and it’s taking forever. I only have a day – two, tops – here in the afterlife, and I’d at least like to see Mom.
Roy’s Archon: The mountain is symbolic of the eternal quest for wisdom and understanding. One must climb it in order to receive the rewards of the Celestial Realm.
Roy: Yeah, OK, but rhetoric aside, I sort of expected… I dunno, stairs or something.
Roy’s Archon: Well, between you and me, we tried to install an escalator a few centuries ago, but all the monks got pissed. Said it violated their ascetic vows, and they felt like they were in a mall. So, we went back to the old way: You climb the mountain until you reach the level of enlightenment you’re happy with. Simple, really.
Roy: Simple for you – nnnh! – you’re flying.
Roy’s Archon: Actually, it’s just that the gravity exerted by this plane has a negligible effect on the photons that make up my being.
Roy: OK, so not so simple.
Roy’s Archon: At any rate, we’re only headed to the first tier of attractions right now – those that deal with sorting out all of the messed-up urges you people have leftover after having your soul stuck in a glorified sausage all of your life.
Roy: Wait, so all the stuff you mentioned – that’s only the beginning?
Roy’s Archon: Sure. But it takes most souls 30 or 40 years of being dead to get bored with the sex and food and stuff. When they do, they start climbing again, in search of more spiritually satisfying fare.
Roy: What happens when they get to the top?
Roy’s Archon: True perfect enlightenment.
Roy: Really? What’s that like?
Roy’s Archon: Beats me. I’m not allowed up there.
Soldier’s Archon: C’mon! You can do it! Eye of the Tiger!
Soldier: But I was born under the sign of the Pig.
Soldier’s Archon: … Eye of the Pig, then!
Roy’s Archon: But I dream that someday, after I guide enough clueless petitioners up the mountain – I will be rewarded with all of the blessings that a higher-class archon has. Wisdom, tranquility, inner strength –
Roy: Hands?
Roy’s Archon: That’s intentional. It’s so I don’t strangle smartass newbies.

4940494
DMILF
Roy’s Archon, Roy, Sara, The Little Psion That Could

Roy’s Archon: That’s the house, right there.
Roy: I’ll tell you, I’m pretty excited to see Mom again. I know it’s only been 3 years since – Oh! Uh, hello miss. I was looking for Sara Greenhilt?
Sara: ROY!!!
Roy: Have we met before?
Sara: Roy, honey, it’s me. Your mother.
Roy: Um, no. my mother has a grey bun hairdo and osteoporosis. Not pigtails and a rack.
Sara: Roy, it’s me. Honest.
Roy: Prove it.
Sara: When you were 4, you wouldn’t ever go to bed until I had read you “The Little Psion That Could.
The Little Psion That Could: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…
Roy: I don’t know, you could have been scrying on us…
Roy’s Archon: No, Roy, that IS your mother.
Sara: See, even Roy’s Archon agrees.
Roy’s Archon: How did you know my name?
Sara: This is the afterlife, Roy, honey. We all appear as our ideal versions of ourselves, and I guess I never stopped thinking of myself as the 19-year-old looker who had never even heard the name, “Eugene Greenhilt”.
Roy: Then why did Dad still look like a wrinkled old man?
Sara: Because your father has ALWAYS been a wrinkled old man in his heart, he was just hiding in a younger man’s body most of his life.
Roy’s Archon: And your appearance matches your moment of death, since your mind is still thinking about the recent events in the realm of mortals.
Roy: I guess that makes a certain degree of sense. It’s just a little… weird… to see you looking like that.
Sara: Don’t be silly. This is the real me. Now come and give your mommy a great big hug. If you want, I can read you that book again. You can put your head on my lap, like when you were young.
Roy: No, that’s… no thanks, Mom.

4950495
(Eu)gene Therapy
Sara, Roy, Roy’s Archon, Enriqué

Sara: Oh, Roy! Look at you! Leader of your own adventuring party! I’m so proud.
Roy: Thanks, Mom.
Sara: Apparently, that doesn’t leave time to have children…
Roy: *sigh*
Sara: So I’m guessing you saw your father on the way in?
Roy: Yeah. He was pretty pissed about them letting me in over him.
Sara: Typical Eugene. Can’t be happy for his eldest son, because he’s too busy being unhappy for himself.
Roy: Serves the crotchety old bastard right, if you ask me. He can pretty much rot in Hell for all I care.
Roy’s Archon: I think we are technically past the point where that would be a realistic possibility.
Sara: Don’t speak about your father that way, young man.
Roy: You’re kidding.
Sara: I know you don’t understand, but there was a time when him and I were happy together. Eugene is – and always has been – a very focused man. He picks one goal and pursues it with single-minded devotion. When he decided his goal was to make me his woman, we had a very good life. The problem is, he rarely sees one project through to the end. He gets bored and refocuses his attention elsewhere. It took a few years, but he eventually drifted away from me and back to his career. Only by then, we had kids and he was pretty much stuck with me. It’s the same with this “Xykon” character. When he swore that stupid Blood Oath, finding the sorcerer who had killed his master was THE driving force in his life. But he gave it up to pursue other interests. If he’s irritable now, it’s because the cosmic powers of the multiverse are physically compelling him to finish what he started back then, one way or another. It must be driving him nuts.
Roy: You’re certainly more understanding than I am. Though he didn’t make YOU stand trial for your life as a means of getting in touch.
Sara: I’ve been his wife for almost 30 years, I should I’ve gained some insight into the man.
Roy: Actually, about the marriage thing… I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Dad was actually dating –
Enriqué: Sara, your shower, it is out of shampoo?
Sara: Not now, Enriqué, my son Roy is here to visit.
Enriqué: Ah, I understand. I will dress and let myself out.
Sara: Now what were you saying, pumpkin? Mommy’s listening.
Roy: …Never mind.
Enriqué: Excusing me, do you remember to where you were the flinging my codpiece?

4960496
Responsible
Sara, Roy, Roy’s Archon, Eric

Sara: I made up the spare bedroom for you. I know you don’t need to sleep, but just in case you want, you know, lady friends to come over.
Roy: Mom!
Sara: What? I’m just saying!
Roy: I doubt I’ll be here long enough for that to be an issue anyway. Durkon should be raising me.
Sara: Oh, just like your father, always dying and coming back when it’s convenient for you. You should think about that affects the rest of us. Well, before you leave, you should visit the third room to the left.
Roy: Why? What’s in there?
Sara: Not what. Who. Someone you haven’t seen since you were just a boy.
Roy: He’s – he’s here???
Sara: Yes. Has been for the last 18 years, apparently.
Roy: I have to – I need –
Sara: Go.
Roy’s Archon: I don’t understand. I wasn’t briefed on any –
Roy: Stay here!
Roy’s Archon: But I’m supposed to –
Roy: STAY! Oh my gods – It really is you! I didn’t – I didn’t know if you’d be here. We tried so hard to bring you back. I guess it was so nice here, it never occurred to you to come back when we called. I’m sorry, you know. I mean, I know it wasn’t my fault. I know that. I was just a kid. It wasn’t my job to watch the grown-up. But… I still should have done something. I knew it wasn’t safe. Dad just shushed me. He never listened to me at all when Mom wasn’t around. He was so… arrogant. Not that I knew what the word meant back then. You didn’t miss much after the accident. A lot of crying and yelling. A few failed attempts at resurrection. A baby sister, two years later. Who got spoiled rotten, incidentally. Sometimes, I wonder what class you would have taken. Probably bard… you loved that toy piano Uncle Myrtok got you. … It’s good to see you, little brother.
Eric: hi roy! wanna play blocks with me?
Roy: More than anything.

4970497
The Grand Fighter
Sara, Roy, Eric, Horace, Evil Cleric, Evil Drow, Evil Fighter

Sara: Eric! Roy! Playtime is over for now. Roy’s Archon and I talked to a few people, since you said you won’t be staying long. You have a visitor in the hallway.
Roy: A visitor?
Sara: Don’t make me repeat myself, young man. He came all the way back from the third level of the mountain to see you, so you be nice.
Eric: grampa!!!
Roy: …Grandfather?
Horace: So I’ve been told, though I was long in my grave before either of you were more than a gleam in my boy Eugene’s eye. Frankly, I’m still surprised that he liked girls. Horace Greenhilt. You must be Roy.
Roy: Oh man! I – Mom told me all about your adventures when I was growing up! Like when you rescued Princess Damsel from the clutches of the red dragon of Reddragonsville.
Horace: Heh heh, good times. But just between you and me, beating the green dragon of Reddragonsville was a LOT harder.
Roy: I’m a fighter now, too. I tried to follow in your footsteps.
Horace: I know, Sara told me last time I visited Eric and her.
Sara: *sniff* This is so nice, for us to all be together. I’m so –
Evil Cleric: PLANE SHIFT!!
Roy: What the –?
Evil Drow: Bwa ha ha!
Evil Fighter: Let’s earn some XP!
Roy: Wait, I’m so confused. Can I even BE killed in this form?
Evil Fighter: Beats me. Let’s find out together.
Horace: ROY! Heads up! Nice catch, kid.
Roy: What – what was THAT all about?
Roy’s Archon: Evil adventuring party.
Horace: It happens. C’mon, I’ll take you fishing.

4980498
Gone Fishin’
Roy, Horace, Roy’s Archon

Roy: So you’re saying that the reason I don’t have a spiritual copy of the Greenhilt sword here in the Celestial Realm (and you do) is because I still think of it as your sword?
Horace: Exactly. To me, it’s my sword, so I have it. To you, it’s still my sword – so I still have it. You’ll understand when you get further up the mountain. Everything ‘round these parts is shaped by believe, one way or another.
Roy: And that move you did? Where you killed the cleric in one shot?
Horace: Oh, yeah. Heh. Great feat. Pain in the ass to learn, though.
Roy: Oh.
Horace: When we get back to the house, I’ll see what I can do to teach you the basics. You’ll have to master it on your own.
Roy: Thanks, that’s…thanks, Granpa!
Horace: Don’t mention it.
Roy: Hey! Hey, I think I got one!
Horace: Keep a steady hand on it, kid! Don’t let it get away. Ha ha, another nice catch! Good job, Roy!
Roy: Where’d it go??
Roy’s Archon: It was summoned to the mortal realm.
Horace: I guess someone’s on an underwater adventure. Ah, well, they don’t let you eat them around here anyway. This is nice, though. The fishing, I mean. This is how men are supposed to relate to their offspring.
Roy: By participating in a vaguely sports-related activity in which they can have conversations without looking directly at one another?
Horace: Yeah. My father took me fishing for the first time when I was a little boy. Your father, though… he never really took to it, gods know I tried. Always had his head buried in a book, even on the boat. Always telling me how stupid I was. I’ll admit, I ain’t one for words when action’ll do, but it ain’t right for a boy to say that to his old man.
Roy: I, uh… I never had too much in common with him, either. I don’t think I was what he was looking for in a son. I reminded him too much of you, I think. Somewhere along the line, I figured if he didn’t like you for being a fighter, then maybe being a fighter was something I should consider. It can’t be all bad if Dad hates it, you know.
Horace: And you’ve done a damn fine job of it, son. A single-classed fighter, just like I am. I couldn’t be more proud of you.
Roy: Pretty amazing day, huh.
Horace: How do you figure?
Roy: Well, I fought Xykon, died, was interviewed by a celestial agent, climbed an incredibly tall mountain partway, reunited with Mom – played blocks with my long-dead little brother, met my grandfather for the first time, and now I’m fishing! It’s like this day will never end! I’m almost going to be sorry when Durkon raises me from the dead tomorrow.
Horace: …
Roy’s Archon: …
Horace: Son, is that… How long do you think you’ve been here? In the afterlife?
Roy: I dunno, 12 hours? Maybe 14? Why?
Horace: Roy… You’ve been dead for three and a half months.
Roy: … What? No, that’s not possible. It’s the same day as –
Horace: Tell ‘im
Roy’s Archon: At the sound of the beep, you will have been on the mountain for 103 days, 8 hours, 17 minutes and 9 seconds. Beeeeeeeep!

4990499
No Time to Lose
Roy, Sara, Horace, Roy’s Archon, Eugene

Roy: OK, somebody better friggin’ explain this RIGHT NOW! And if this is some solar’s idea of screwing with the new guy, I am NOT laughing!
Sara: Roy, honey, calm down.
Roy: Three and a half months?!? How is that possible? Does time, like, flow at a different rate, here??
Sara: No, nothing so “sci-fi” as all that.
Horace: This is still a fantasy story.
Roy’s Archon: If I may... it’s really very simple.
Roy: Yeah? Then shine a little light on it for me, glowbug, because I’m not seeing it.
Roy’s Archon: It’s called Postmortem Time Disassociation Disorder. It happens to a lot of souls when they first cross over into the afterlife.
Horace: You know the old saying, “Time flies when you’re having fun”? this is the dire half-dragon version of that.
Roy’s Archon: As a mortal, your perception of time is fluid, allowing you to lose yourself in a pleasurable activity – for a time. While you were alive, though, there were always limits as to how long it could go on.
Roy: Limits? What are you talking about?
Sara: He means no matter how engrossed you were in your studies, eventually you’d get hungry, or sleepy –
Horace: Or have to take a dump, at the least.
Sara: Horace!
Roy’s Archon: And even if you were taking care of your immediate needs, over time, your beard would come in, your fingernails would grow… Around you, the sun would set and rise, the seasons would change, dust would accumulate. Here, none of that happens. The sun sits stationary in the sky, the temperature never changes, and no matter how long you’re here, you never need to eat or sleep.
Sara: You don’t even have the beating of your heart to count out the moments for you anymore.
Roy’s Archon: Now, at the exact same time that you lose all reference points to the passage of time, you’re thrown into this amazing place where everything is strange, yet somehow perfect. Where everyone you meet is the same alignment as you, and you’re back together with long-lost friends and family. The combined effect leaves your mortal mind so enthralled that you become completely unaware of time racing past you. Three and a half months feels like a day.
Roy: Yeah, I don’t buy it. I’m sorry, but what was I doing all of that time? Besides decomposing, apparently.
Sara: It’s true, honey. It happened to me too. It turns out I spent eight weeks making love to this knight from –
Roy: NOT HELPING, MOM!
Horace: C’mon, boy, use your head. Ask yourself this, then: How tall was that first portion of the mountain you climbed to get here?
Roy: …Tall.
Horace: Far taller than any mountain back on the mortal plane, right?
Roy: I guess.
Horace: And yet scaling the world’s tallest mountain would take the most experienced climber days, even weeks. Did you really think you had gone higher in a few hours?
Roy: … I thought I’d found a shortcut.
Horace: You didn’t. It took you eight weeks to get to your mother’s house, and you spent another three playing with your little brother.
Roy: Oh, come on, it wasn’t THAT elaborate of a block castle!
Horace: But how many times did you knock it down and start over again from scratch?
Roy: No idea. I wasn’t counting.
Roy’s Archon: Would it surprise you to learn you did so 34 times?
Roy: … Crap. Why didn’t you say something? You’re supposed to be my guide!
Roy’s Archon: You didn’t ask. And we’re not in the habit of spoiling the eternal reward of our petitioners. It’s bad PR, and it sends our customer service ratings into a tailspin.
Roy: OK… OK, fine. I understand how it could be that long. But WHY has it been that long? Durkon was supposed to rendezvous with Haley the next day and raise me from the dead. So why am I still here 14 weeks later? What’s happening down there? What about Xykon? Why haven’t I been brought back??
Horace: Good questions, son.
Sara: We don’t know the answers.
Roy: Why the hell not??
Horace: We don’t know what is happening in the mortal realm any more than you do, Roy. Trust me, it’s better that that way. After a while, you’ll realize that it’s better to let go of what may or may not be going on down there. You’ll just make yourself upset for no good reason. You’re dead, I’m dead, we’re all dead up here. There’s nothing we can do to influence the mortal realm anymore.
Roy: Yeah, well unfortunately, it’s not that simple. There’s a lich down there that needs to be stopped, whether I’m dead or not. There has to be something I can do. There must be somewhere we could go and look down on –
Eugene: Well, well, well, the prodigal son returns. Looks like that fatted calf isn’t off the hook just yet.

5000500
A Reason to Keep Trying
Eugene, Roy, Roy’s Archon, Durkon

Eugene: What’s the matter, Roy? Got bored with the free sex and booze? Decided it would be more fun to come back and kick the old man around some more?
Roy: Yeah, here’s a tip: Playing the victim isn’t going to get much traction with me. At any rate, I didn’t skip out on eternal bliss and run down a mountain for –
Roy’s Archon: Nine days.
Roy: – nine days in order to resume our scintillating conversation. I came back so I could look down at the mortal realm.
Eugene: Awww, did someone not get resurrected on schedule? Poor Roy! Well, far be it for me to interrupt you. By all means, cast your gaze upon the living.
Roy: Thanks, I will. How come all I see are white fluffy clouds?
Eugene: HA!! It’s easy, Son, it’s just like scrying. Oh! Wait! That’s right, you’re a fighter! And I bet they didn’t teach scrying in that Fighter’s College of yours, did they? Well, it looks like you’re out of luck then, my friend. A shame, since it sure has been an interesting few months down there, yessir.
Roy: *sigh* Roy’s Archon, can you help me scry on my friends?
Roy’s Archon: Umm… Actually, lantern archons like me don’t have the power to form a scrying pool out of the clouds on our own. We just hang around and wait for a planetar or a deva to come down, then we watch over their shoulder.
Eugene: Look, Dad, getting me rezzed is as important to you as it is to me, so help me look down and see why Durkon is dragging his feet.
Eugene: Say, “please”.
Roy: What?
Eugene: Say, “please”.
Roy: Please, Dad. Will you please help me scry the mortal realm?
Eugene: No.
Roy: …What?
Eugene: No. N. O. As in, “No, I will not assist you in scrying the mortal realm”*. You seeing what is happening won’t actually change any of what is transpiring, and thus isn’t at all relevant to me getting onto that mountain. Whether or not you know WHY you haven’t been raised won’t change whether or not you WILL be raised in the future. It’ll just satisfy your curiosity, and I don’t care one whit about that.
Roy: Dad, I swear, knock it off and help me –
Eugene: Or what? You won’t destroy Xykon for me? Too late on that Bluff check, Son. You made it crystal clear back in Shojo’s throne room that you felt morally obligated to tackle Xykon anyway, on account of him being such a threat to the whole world. So be pissed at me all you want, you’ll still do what I need you to when – or should I say, “if” – your soul and your body ever manage to meet up again. You’re dead, Roy. Dead and gone. You have no say in what goes down there anymore. Which means unless Xykon graciously chooses to pop up here in person and allow you to make unarmed attacks against him, you’re useless to me. Or should I say, “Even more useless”? In short, I’m done with you. Go back up the mountain and cry to your mother, little boy.
Roy: You pathetic old – No, you know what? Fine. You do what you’ve got to do. I mean, normally, I would launch into a huge sarcastic rant, but obviously that isn’t the way to solve my problems, or I wouldn’t be dead at age 28.
Roy’s Archon: Actually, 29. Your birthday was last week.
Roy: You’re not worth the trouble. I’ll find someone else to help me.
Eugene: Wait, so you’re just going to take it?
Roy: Looks like.
Eugene: Don’t you want to get a few shots in at me first?
Roy: Not really. Roy’s Archon, any change of us finding one of those deva’s who’d be willing to help out?
Roy’s Archon: We can give it a shot, sure.
Eugene: Hey! Get back here, you moron!
Roy: No. Why should I? I’m not going to change who you are as a person by shouting a few insults at you, no matter how clever they may be. I used to think I could; that if I could just deliver the perfect retort, it would open your eyes a little. Nut if everything you’ve been through with Mom and Eric and Grandpa and the literal forces of the cosmos hasn’t made you want to be a better man, I doubt a one-liner from me is going to do the trick now. You are who you are, and every time I stoop to the level of engaging you with another angry tirade, I’m a little more like you and a little less like Mom. So, see you around, I guess.
Eugene: Oh, I get it. You’re trying to trick me.
Roy: What? Uh, no, Dad, I honestly don’t want you to scry for me. I don’t need to stress in my life. Uh, afterlife.
Eugene: Well, I can play along, if only so that I can be there when your pathetic attempt at reverse psychology fails.
Roy: No, I really don’t want your help anymore. I’ll find someone else, really.
Eugene: Listen to me, young man, you will stand there and watch as I scry for you and you will like it, because I am your father.
Roy: …You do know that you don’t make any sense, right? OK, fine. If your ego can’t grasp not being crucial to everything I say or do, then go ahead and scry for me. On one condition.
Eugene: Name it.
Roy: When I eventually destroy Xykon and you are let into the afterlife? You never go to Mom’s house there. Not even once. You can go anywhere else on the mountain, but not there. You disappear, and your family enjoys eternity without you.
Eugene: That’s it?? Agreed.
Roy: Swear. For what it’s worth.
Eugene: I swear.
Roy: I don’t know what’s more depressing: That you agreed so easily, or that I knew that you would when I proposed it.
Eugene: What’s that supposed to mean?
Roy: Don’t worry about it. Fire up the scrying pool, Dad.
Eugene: You’ll need to concentrate on one person at a time to scry properly.
Roy: Let’s start with Durkon, then. I want to know why he hasn’t raised me yet. Durkon… Durkon Thundershield… Durkon Thundershield…Durkon…
Durkon: … by tha power invest’d in me by tha gods… I now pronounce ye, “Man an’ Wife.”
(D): … by the power invested in me by the gods… I now pronounce you, “Man and Wife.”

Samurai Jill

2008-10-26, 01:55 PM

Y'know... I think these are actually funnier without the visuals.

Oh- there's a typo in 514- that should be "eyes of their wights".

Lokasenna

2008-10-26, 02:34 PM

Y'know... I think these are actually funnier without the visuals.

Oh- there's a typo in 514- that should be "eyes of their wights".

Thanks! You are right! I just realized that I had been spelling them "wright" the entire time. That's what I get for having never played the game. Here are the correct versions.

511-515

0511
Guerillas in Their Midst
Slave, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin Wizard, Hobgoblin 2, Haley, Isamu, Thanh, Niu

Slave: AHH!
Hobgoblin 1: Reporting for duty.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Welcome to the granary, then. I don’t know what your pervious assignment was, but I’ll find you in on the basics. Your job really boils down to whipping these human slaves while they carry stuff from Point A to Point B.
Hobgoblins: Does the whipping make them move faster?
Hobgoblin Wizard: Not really. But it critically important to maximize the favor of the food here.
Hobgoblin 1: …What?
Hobgoblin Wizard: Well, we’re a “Usually Evil” race, so Evil food tastes better to us than Good food.
Hobgoblin 2: And Evil food starts by whipping the slaves who carry it.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Their screams of agony will actually waft up and sweeten the food they’re carrying.
Hobgoblin 1: Wow… I never knew that.
Hobgoblin 2: It’s true. Biological fact.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Nah, we’re just messing with you. We whip them to make them move faster.
Hobgoblin 2: Ha ha ha! Oh, man, I can’t believe you bought that!
Hobgoblin Wizard: Seriously, though, this is important: If one of the elderly slaves starts to falter or slow down, you have to whip them even harder.
Hobgoblin 2: Yell at them to go faster, too.
Hobgoblin 1: Why? I mean, if they are physically incapable of going faster due to age, why whip them for it?
Hobgoblin Wizard: Well, because it’s funny.
Hobgoblin 2: I nearly pee myself laughing when when they fall down like a wet sack of sticks.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Ooo! Look, there’s one slowing down now.
Hobgoblin 2: New guy, the honor is yours.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Now, make sure you have a good grip on the handle, and don’t forget to follow through.
Hobgoblin 2: Pretend you’re Harrison Ford.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Oh, right. Forgot to mention. Whenever you start to whip an elderly slave, there’s about a 60% chance that some sort of hero will show up to stop you.
Hobgoblin 2: It really wears thin after awhile.
Hobgoblin Wizard: Hey! Who gave those slaves hoods?
Hobgoblin 1: I’m pretty sure we should be more worried about who gave them weapons.
Haley: The true slaves here are you-slaves to an insane undead monster! We came to rescue these prisoners of war, because we are- THE RESISTANCE!
Isamu: Wait- “The Resistance”? I thought we agreed we were going to call ourselves, “The Azure City Underground”?
Thanh: I thought we were going to with, “Sapphire Liberation Front”.
Niu: I still prefer, “Rebel Alliance”.
Haley: OK, OK, name notwithstanding, we’re here to free the slaves.
Isamu: But you just said that the hobgoblins were the true slaves. Does that mean-
Haley: Oh my GODS, will you shut up and start resisting someone already?!?
Isamu: Technically, I’m resisting-
Haley: Resisting someone OTHER than me?!?!
Isamu: Oh.

0512
They've Had Time to Train, Too
Haley, Niu, Thanh, Hobgoblin Wizard, Hobgoblin Tower 5, Hobgoblin Main Tower

Haley: OK, people, let’s do this like we’ve been training: In, out, and gone before anyone’s the wiser. Niu, you and Isamu round up the prisoners and get them moving toward the tunnels.
Niu: Yes, Haley.
Haley: And I want all of you carrying as much food as you can-we need supplies badly, especially if we’re going to be feeding more mouths to feed. Thanh, can you handle the granary guards by yourself?
Thanh: The anguished souls of a thousand unjustly slain Azurites will guide each swing of my blade.
Haley: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Go, I’ll take out the browncoat. Good morning, gentlemen. At least, I think it’s morning. Sort of tough to tell these days, what with the giant swirling rift that blocks out the sun. Anyway, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is, I won initiative, so you guys get a sneak attack each. The good news is, I don’t have to bother thinking up the second half to that joke, ‘cause you’re all dead now. Looks like it’s just you and me now, wizard. Hit me with your-
Hobgoblin Wizard: DANCING LIGHTS!
Haley: ..“Dancing Lights”? That’s like a 0th-level spell! Geez, what kind of low-level lame-ass spellcaster are you? You’ve got one chance before I perforate you, and you choose… … Dancing… …Lights.
Tower Five: Main Tower, we’re seeing a red diamond signal in sector 18, near the granary.
Main Tower: Copy that, Tower 5, we see it too.
Hobgoblin Wizard: OK, so I’ve got bad news, and I’ve got bad news.

0513
Security Deposit
Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2, Hobgoblin 3, Haley, Isamu, Niu, Tsukiko, Wight 1, Wight 2

Hobgoblin 1: Red diamond? I don’t think I’ve seen that one since we started the new system.
Hobgoblin 2: Let me look it up on the chart. Well, damn!
Hobgoblin 3: Sir, Black Squadron reports that they are ready for immediate dispatch.
Hobgoblin 2: Then send them in. And order all other units out of the area.
Haley: Change of plans! Drop any food that puts you over light encumbrance and run for the tunnels!
Isamu: What? But you said-
Haley: I know what I said! But that wizard got off some kind of signal. That means we have incoming forces, and we need to get our resistant butts out of here, NOW!
Niu: Haley, we beat these slavers easily enough, we’re ready to fight more.
Haley: I’m not expecting more hobgoblins…
Tsukiko: Teleport! OK, Black Squadron, now: everyone is bundled up with all of their buff spells, let’s fan out and find some insurgents.
Wight 1: Yes, Mistress Tsukiko.
Tsukiko: Remember, we’re using the Buddy System, so stick together in case one of you gets attacked.
Wight 2: Yes, Mistress Tsukiko.
Tsukiko: And if you see a Good cleric, what do you do?
Wight 1: Blow on our safety whistle.
Tsukiko: Exactly.

0514
Elan Would Be So Proud
Tsukiko, Haley, Isamu, Thanh, Wight 1, Wight 2, Belkar

Tsukiko: Hmmm… this looks like Starshine’s work… The arrows match last week’s jailbreak. Can you hear me, Haley? I’m coming for you, and this time, you won’t slip away into the darkness.
Haley: <whispers> Tsukiko. Just what I was afraid of. Did Niu make it to the tunnels with the prisoners?
Isamu: <whispers> I think so. She was leading them straight there when I lost sight of her.
Haley: <whispers> Good. Tsukiko’s Spot check sucks, but even she couldn’t miss a mob of twenty-plus freed slaves. So the rest of us just need to stay hidden until she passes by, then make a break for the tunnel. Wait- where’s Thanh?
Isamu: <whispers> Don’t know. He hasn’t come back from the granary.
Haley: <whispers> Damn it! I knew bringing him along was a mistake.
Thanh: Consider this a partial downpayment on the full measure of righteous vengeance that was owned you!
Wight 1: Check it out, buddy: I think we’ve found our insurgent.
Wight 2: Nice.
Wight 1: I call dibs on his levels that are divisible by three!
Wight 2: Aw, man! You always get the best ones. Fine, I call his levels divisible by four.
Wight 1: I hope he’s not 12th level…
Thanh: Back, undead minions! You won’t be draining anything today! TURN UNDEAD!
Wight 1: Ahhh! The light! It stings in an uncomfortable manner!
Thanh: Very well, dark abominations, I suppose I shall pay the balance of my debt today.
Belkar: Oh, wait, crap. This is my cue, isn’t it? Sorry, would have jumped in earlier, but you know how the old saying goes: “Don’t fire until you see the eyes of their wights.”

0515
A Momentary Experience
Belkar, Wight 1, Wight 2, Wight 3, Thanh

Belkar: Now if only I could figure out some way to make them explode on impact…
Wight 1: Did-did that halfling just hit me in the face with a pineapple??
Wight 2: I think he did. Also, I think no one has ever asked that exact question in the history of civilization, so bonus points there. Grrrarrr!
Wight 3: Die!
Belkar: Step right up, gentlemen, I have two daggers, no waiting.
Thanh: You certainly took enough time to show yourself. One of us could have been killed by now.
Belkar: First of all, watch where you’re swinging that Smite Evil, Mustache-for-Brains. Second of all, I can’t injure living creatures inside the borders of a town due to the Mark of Justice, remember? Something for which you can thank your partner-in-ridiculous-blue-facial-hair, Hinjo, for not removing BEFORE he sailed off into the sunset. I wasn’t about to show myself until I was sure we were fighting undead. At least these guys have decent Hit Dice, so I should get- YES!!! New level for Belkar! Three months trapped in this lame-ass city, hiding until those few times undead showed up, and I finally earned enough XP to level! Ranger? Barbarian? Maybe an overpowered prestige class? Woooo! I am the champion, my friend! And I’ll keep on fighting to the end! Belkar gained a level! Belkar gained a level! Belkar gained- Never mind.

516-520

0516
Turning Azurite, I Think I'm Turning Azurite, I Really Think So
Thanh, Belkar, Tsukiko, Wight

Thanh: The wights are vanquished. Let us make hasty our escape, that we might live to fight the forces of Evil another day.
Belkar: Yeah, hold on a moment, I think I saw something out of the corner of my eye, inside the granary.
Thanh: We do not have time to investigate.
Belkar: Hey, you may not have noticed, but I don’t succeed on many Spot checks. I’m not going to ignore it when I finally roll and natural 20. Besides, if this ends up being what I think it is, it’s worth the risk…
Thanh: Bah! You care more for your own profit than our holy mission to restore this nation’s rightful government?
Belkar: Turns out. Gee, there’s a shocker.
Thanh: Fine. I do not know what possible benefit Haley possibly sees in his continued assistance, but I need not indulge his avarice. He can find his own way-
Tsukiko: Flame Strike!
Thanh: AAAARGH!
Tsukiko: Is that him? Is that the one who turned you, my little one?
Wight: Uh huh! He made me feel funny inside!
Tsukiko: You big bully! I made him only four weeks ago! You’re lucky this isn’t First Edition, or we’ll see how you’d like it if someone turned YOU, paladin!
Thanh: You vile betrayer! You have sold out our entire civilization to outsiders!
Tsukiko: Yeah, but at least I got a good price for it. What can I say? It was a seller’s market. Besides, they were the ones who threw ME into prison for being different-for understanding that a pulse is not a prerequisite for being loved! They all got exactly what they deserved! But I guess we’ll have to settle for a different sort of turning for you. Dominate Person!
Thanh: Nnnnnno! Twelve Gods help me!
Tsukiko: Now, let’s go find that boss of yours.
Thanh: Yes, Mistress Tsukiko.
Tsukiko: Personally, I think you and Haley will both appreciate how wonderful and special the undead are after you walk a mile in their shoes…
Wight: Mistress, I’m not wearing shoes.
Tsukiko: It’s a metaphor, dearie.
Wight: Does that mean I’m getting shoes soon?
Tsukiko: No.
Wight: …Can I have his shoes?
Tsukiko: You’re really undercutting my point here, you know.

0517
Probably Best to Choose at Random
Tsukiko, Haley, Isamu

Tsukiko: Haley? I know you’re around here somewhere. I’m tired of looking for you and you’re probably tired of hiding, so let’s cut to the chase. I’ve got your paladin friend under my magical control here. If you don’t come out by the count of ten, I’ll command him to start playing “Pattycake”.
Haley: …”Pattycake”? Is that suppose to be a threat?
Tsukiko: -with the wight.
Haley: Oh.
Isamu: Damn her! Thanh won’t make it to the end of the second line before he’s a lifeless husk! What are you going to do?
Haley: I’m going out there.
Isamu: What?? Haley, are you nuts? It’s a trap!
Haley: Gee, y’think? But when the city fell, I had an opportunity to go back and save a paladin named O-Chul from certain doom, and I didn’t do it. Oh, sure, I had reasons, but… it’s bothered me ever since that I abandoned a good man to a probably gruesome fate. I’m not letting history repeat itself. Stay hidden until you’re sure you can get to the tunnel safely.
Isamu: Haley, if you surrender, who will lead the-
Haley: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there a moment. Who the heck said anything about surrendering? I’m going out there to shove a magic flaming arrow up one of her orifices. If you have any preference for which one, I’m taking suggestions.

0518
At Least It Wasn't the Fourth Wall Again
Tsukiko, Wight, Haley

Tsukiko: Six… seven… AAARGH!
Wight: No, Mistress, it’s “eight”, not “aaargh”.
Haley: You want a piece of me, Tsukiko? Come up here and take it! You and me, Round Four!
Tsukiko: Sounds like fun, let me just erase these Sneak Attacks. Cure Critical Wounds! Paladin, I’ve been wounded by that thief. Use your Lay on Hands ability to heal me the rest of the way. There, good as new, almost. Fireball.
Haley: Hey, can someone explain why I’m always fighting skanky chicks who fly? I mean, Sabine, Samantha, Tsukiko… I bet even the druid’s hawk was some sort of bird-hussy. I should take a level of ranger so I can choose Favored Enemy (Airborne Tramp).
Tsukiko: Tramp? Pfft, you’re just jealous of my dark mysterious beauty.
Haley: Oh, no, sister, I’ve been down that fashion road before. Sure, the black clothes look sexy, but eventually you turn, like, seventeen and realize that all your dark middle-class angst isn’t really that meaningful in a world where literal flesh-and-blood demons eat people from time to time.
Tsukiko: Screw this! Invisibility!
Haley: What? Giving up already? I thought we’d have a few more rounds of me effortlessly dodging your spells while making you look like a goth porcupine.
Tsukiko: Why bother? You’re right, Haley. You can dodge any spell I can cast that allows a Reflex save. That’s why after our last fight… …I looked up a few evocations that use attack rolls instead. Electric Orb.
Haley: Hey, that’s not a core sp-

0519
Nightmare on Blue Street
Haley, Thanh, Tsukiko, Wight 1, Wight 2

Haley: Unnnhhh… At least I landed back in the panel… AAAA!!! What the heck?!? What kind of unbalanced spells is she using? I guess I better watch my- Aaaa! Crap!! Thanh! Snap out of it! It’s me, Haley! You don’t want to attack me, do you?
Thanh: Thieves break the law. Thieves deserve punishment. Must attack. Must attack.
Haley: Nnnnnh! OK, I know a fight my class wasn’t designed for when I see one. I’m supposed to be the flanker, not the flankee.
Tsukiko: I’m just getting started! I’m a mystic theurge, I have more spells than you have hit points! Fire Orb! Quickened Lesser Acid Orb!
Haley: Isamu! Isamu, I need help! I need you to- Oh gods.
Wight 1: Delicious, but the portion was too small. I’m still hungry.
Wight 2: Not a problem, here comes the second course.
Haley: This story is swiftly moving from fantasy to horror-and just my luck, I’m stuck in the role of the bimbo who runs down the alley away from the monsters. I swear, if I randomly fall down and break the heel of my boot, I’m going to find Wes Craven and kick his ass.

0520
The Power of Immediate Gratification
Tsukiko, Haley, Belkar, Mr. Scruffy

Tsukiko: You friends in the so-called “Resistance” can’t help you now-
Haley: Belkar! Help!!
Tsukiko: Didn’t I just say that your friends won’t- Wait a minute… Don’t I know you from somewhere?
Belkar: Yup. Maximum Security.
Tsukiko: Hey, yeah, that’s it! We were in jail together! Second-degree murder, right?
Belkar: What a rip-off. I totally premeditated, you know. I guess taking Hinjo’s offer worked out for you, then.
Tsukiko: Can’t complain. I switched sides mid-battle, now I’ve got a cushy position with my own death squad.
Belkar: Sweet.
Haley: Uh, Belkar? Help?
Tsukiko: How about you? I remember you taunting that ex-paladin in the cells, did you get to stick a knife in their backs?
Belkar: I wish. Nah, I’ve been stuck with these losers, bumming around making small-time raids on the food supply.
Tsukiko: Aw, geez. That’s rough.
Belkar: Yeah. Well, a halfling’s gotta eat, you know, and all the hobgoblins pretty much attack on sight.
Tsukiko: Listen-Belkar, is it?-I’ve got some pull with the Big Man himself. Why don’t I try to set up an interview for you with our side? This job has it all, seriously. Good salary, good healthcare from all the low-level hobgoblin clerics, and a corner office in the accursed town Xykon wrenched from the unhallowed ground with his dark magic.
Belkar: I don’t know, I don’t really see myself behind a desk…
Tsukiko: Oh, no, it would be completely a hands-on position. We need a new Head Executioner, you know. Xykon killed the last one for spelling “guillotine” wrong on his daily reports.
Belkar: Well, it’s tempting. I’ve been wondering whether it wasn’t time to stop screwing around and get down to some serious large-scale killing. I’m not getting any younger, you know. But, it’s weird, I still feel some small bit of loyalty to Azure City’s ruler.
Tsukiko: Who? Hinjo? He’s not even here-
Belkar: Hell no, not that tool. I meant the TRUE power in Azure City.
Tsukiko: “True Power”? Who is-
Mr. Scruffy: mmRRRRROWWW!!
Tsukiko: Get it off! Get it OFF!
Mr. Scruffy: HISS!!
Haley: Nice Bluff check, Belkar! You really caught her off guard!
Belkar: What Bluff check? I was going to take the deal, right up until the point where I remembered how much I was looking forward to flinging an angry housecat in someone’s soft and unprotected face.

521-525

0521
Remorse
Belkar, Haley, Tsukiko, Mr. Scruffy, Wight, Thanh

Belkar: Look on the bright side: At least you don’t own me 20 gp anymore. I mean, unless someone raises you, then you better pay up, or we’ll be right back to me stabbing you.
Haley: Listen, Belkar, I’m still proud of you for picking our side. Especially since Xykon is probably strong enough to have removed the Mark of Justice from you, too.
Belkar: CRAP! I completely didn’t think of that! That totally changes everything! Man, do you think it’s too late to change my answer?
Haley: Gee, Belkar, I don’t know, let’s look and see.
Tsukiko: Someone get it off me! I can’t concentrate on my spells!
Mr. Scruffy: HISS!
Wight: I’ll get it off you, Mistress.
Tsukiko: NO! Someone who won’t drain a level when they touch me!
Mr. Scruffy: mmrrRROW! HISS!
Belkar: …Maybe she’s the forgiving type?
Thanh: Coming to help, Mistress.
Haley: Stop worrying about it and get ahead of Thanh for a second, OK?
Belkar: Huh? Why?
Haley: *sigh* Just do it, Belkar. Sorry, Isamu…I really need to borrow this.
Belkar: “Just do it, Belkar.” I bet Xykon doesn’t order his minions around so rudely.
Haley: Thanks for the flank. SNEAK ATTACK!
Belkar: HEY! You can’t go switching sides in the middle of battle!!!
Haley: Why not? You were thinking about it.
Belkar: Exactly! That job offer belongs to me!!! Not to mention that when I did it, it was cutting edge. If you do it, it’s just gonna go mainstream, and pretty soon-
Haley: I’m not switching sides. Thanh was Dominated by your prospective employer there, so I knocked him out with the sap.
Belkar: Dominated, huh? I didn’t know Thanh was into that sort of kinky stuff… I mean, the flying chick, sure, obviously. But I never would have thought-
Haley: Not that sort of domination, you idiot! Help me carry him. We need to get out of here before Tsukiko regains her concentration-and we need to get him back to HQ before he wakes up.
Belkar: Yeah… So you’re absolutely sure the “Join the villains” deal is off the table?
Haley: Belkar!
Belkar: Because I’m willing to negotiate. I’d be satisfied with a regular office.
Haley: BELKAR!!
Belkar: OK, OK, just a cubicle, then.

0522
We're Doomed If She Finds the Map Key
Belkar, Haley, Mr. Scruffy, Tsukiko, Wight

Belkar: Check it out: no shoes! Looks like someone wants to be just like the Belkster when he grows up.
Haley: Less unchecked ego, more running. The secret door is right down this alley.
Belkar: That’s your secret door?!?
Haley: Yeah, of course. Why do you think they mark them on maps that way? Hey, Roy. Hope you don’t mind sharing the cart for a bit. OK, we’re set. Close the door.
Belkar: Not yet, I’ve still got a few actions to take. Mr. Scruffy! Here kitty! I’ve got tuna treats!
Mr. Scruffy: meow!
Tsukiko: You little feline bastard, get back here! Cold Orb!! Damn it! Why did I prepare so many spells that need roll attacks?!?
Belkar: In you go, Mr. Scruffy. Oh, and hey, Tsukiko. On behalf of all the men in the city: Thanks for wearing a short skirt while flying. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Heh.
Tsukiko: I’ll give you something to think about, you triple-crossing hairy-footed pipsqueak who can’t even manage to get himself convicted of first-degree- Where the hell did they go??
Wight: Maybe they polymorphed into boxes, Mistress?

0523
Orders That Won't Stick
Niu, Haley, Slave, Belkar

Niu: Haley! Thank the Twelve Gods! I was getting worried. Where’s Isamu?
Haley: He didn’t make it. We need to hurry back to HQ before Thanh wakes up, too.
Slave: Thank you for rescuing us, miss. We are indebted to you and your cause.
Haley: You’re welcome. I only wish I could have done more to-
Belkar: HEY! Who gave you permission to speak? I want you three pulling the cart, and get two others to carry me, like on a litter or something. And get someone to fan me, preferably a chick. NOW, people! Move!
Haley: Belkar, what are you doing? These people have been worked half to death, they’re not going to carry you back.
Belkar: Haley, they’re slaves. You give them orders, they carry them out for you. That’s the simple elegance of enslavement.
Haley: They’re not YOUR slaves!
Belkar: You can have a few, too. There’s plenty to go around.
Haley: No, I mean they’re not slaves!
Belkar: I don’t follow. Look, you told me that the whole point of the mission was to get the slaves, right? And I thought, “Cool, I hate doing my own laundry.” And now we have the slaves, mission accomplished, three cheers for us. All I’m trying to do is use the slaves for their intended purpose, I fail to see the problem.
Haley: The problem is that the mission was to FREE the slaves, not transfer ownership!
Belkar: …Are you sure? Because I don’t see how that benefits me at all.
Haley: Belkar, since the only reason we have to lug Roy’s disgusting smelly corpse around is because YOU can’t travel more than a mile away from it without triggering that stupid Mark of Justice curse, why don’t YOU pull the cart?
Belkar: Uh, because we have slaves to do it? I mean seriously, Haley, try to think a little before opening your mouth.
Haley: They’re not slaves! NOT SLAVES! They are free! Free men, free women, free hermaphrodites if there are any here! They don’t have to take orders from me or you or anyone, they are free, free, FREE!
Belkar: OK, OK, calm down, I get it! You’re saying you don’t want any slaves for yourself, then. That’s cool, I’ll give yours to Mr. Scruffy.
Niu: Haley, why are you-
Haley: It’s just easier this way. Trust me.

0524
Pretender To the Throne
Male Cleric, Haley, Female Cleric, Belkar, Thanh

Male Cleric: Welcome back! You’ve done it again, Haley. The people of Azure City are in your debt.
Haley: Cool. I accept Visa and MasterCard.
Female Cleric: Oh! You’ve been injured!
Male Cleric: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Female Cleric: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Male Cleric: Cure Moderate Wounds!
Haley: Thanks, guys. But we’re got bigger problems than a few scratches. Thanh here has been Dominated by Tsukiko.
Female Cleric: Really? He hardly seems the sort to be into the type of-
Haley: Not that type of dominated.
Female Cleric: Oh. Haley, if we had access to 3rd-level spells like Dispel Magic, our food shortages would be easily fixable.
Male Cleric: We might have a scroll in the pile we salvaged from the temple, though…
Haley: No… if you do, save it. I just got another idea that might work.
Belkar: Yeah… kick that string’s ass, Mr. Scruffy.
A Short Time Later
Belkar: I feel ridiculous. How is this supposed to help?
Haley: I’ll explain later. OK, wake him up and then back off a good distance.
Male Cleric: Cure Light Wounds.
Haley: Hey, Thanh! Look! It’s your master, Lord Shojo!
Belkar: What?!?!
Haley: <whispers> Play along.
Thanh: Must… attack…
Belkar: Uh, yes! It’s me, Lord Shojo! Mr. Scruffy says don’t attack me. It would be wrong. Did I mention I have no weapons and am easily pushing 80 years old?
Thanh: Must… attack…
Haley: <whispers> Geez, could you at least TRY to sound a little more like him?
Belkar: <whispers> Why don’t we get the party bard to do it? Oh, right, he sailed away from your overly-critical fat ass. <normal> Uh… strike me down, and I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!
Thanh: Must… attack… …but… Lord Shojo… NO!! No, I cannot! To strike down my liege would violate everything I believe in! I should take my own life for even considering such an act!
Haley: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No need for that, it’s just Belkar. The spell’s all gone now.
Thanh: Yes… I feel my head clearing…
Male Cleric: Here, this way, Thanh. You need rest.
Thanh: Where did my shoes go?
Belkar: I have absolutely no idea what just happened here…
Haley: It’s easy. We used a loophole to break Tsukiko’s enchantment. Magic domination can be broken if the order if given against the subject’s true nature, right? And what’s the one act that we know-from direct empirical evidence-can cause a paladin to be stripped of his powers? Killing their defenseless liege lord! So it stood to reason that as such, doing so would be against Thanh’s true nature, and he would get a new saving throw. I’m just glad having the real Mr. Scruffy gave you such a good circumstance bonus to your Disguise check to look like him…
Belkar: I was BAIT?? What if he didn’t buy it? Or worse, what if he did but it turned out he was “Miko 2: Electric Bugaloo” and did the deed anyway?!? I could have been killed!
Haley: Yeah, I thought of that… But then I realized that you just proved that there’s plenty of room o the cart for your corpse. So I tried it anyway.
Belkar: Ha ha, very funny, Haley. But I know you wouldn’t let me get killed such to save some NPC paladin, just because he’s loyal and trustworthy and honest and- … Ah, crap.

0525
Look More Closelier
Roy, Eugene, Roy’s Archon

Roy: Heh heh, good for you, Haley. Take that little jerk down a peg.
Eugene: Are you done watching this complete waste of time yet?
Roy: “Waste of time”? Are we watching the same scrying pool? She’s raised an entire resistance movement pretty much on her own. Mind you, I really wish she had managed to find a cleric to raise me by now, but given her sharply limited resources, I think she’s doing pretty well for herself.
Eugene: She’s just frittering away a perfect opportunity! Xykon is right here, she should be trying to kill him!
Roy: She’s helping innocent people, dad. That’s never a waste.
Eugene: It is even she could help MORE innocent people by destroying one monster.
Roy: She’s a rogue. It’s not like she can Sneak Attack a lich with a bow. The arrow would go right through his ribcage.
Eugene: Funny, I seem to remember making a similar argument regarding swords once… How’d that end up working for you?
Roy: Well, it’s not going to matter in a few minutes anyway. That’s my corpse she’s pulling in the cart, and more importantly right now, my sword.
Eugene: Didn’t we just cover that a sword wouldn’t be enough?
Roy: She’s not going to swing it, Dad. It’s my sword, the Greenhilt sword. You told me it was the spiritual link-that you were able to appear to me in ghost form because the sword was whole. All we need is for me to pop down as a ghost, tell Haley where to find Durkon, and we can get this show on the road!
Eugene: Your dwarf friend is out at sea somewhere, how’s she gonna-
Roy: I’ll worry about that later. If she knows I can lead her to Elan, she’ll have reason to escape the city instead of waiting for them to come back. That alone will be progress. So quit your naysaying and tell me how to get from up here to down there as a ghost.
Eugene: Well, if you put it like that, it’s very simple. You need to look down into the scrying pool and concentrate on your sword.
Roy: OK, I’m concentrating.
Eugene: No, Roy, you really need to absorb the scene. Notice every detail.
Roy: OK, I’m absorbing it all.
Eugene: No, Roy, you really need to focus on-
Roy: I’m focused already! Now what?
Eugene: Now this. Summon Boot!
Roy: GAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Eugene: Ha! Now who’s been taken down a peg?
Roy’s Archon: *sigh* It’s opportunities like this that really make me miss having feet.

XenoTherapy

2008-10-27, 06:42 PM

Sorry, guys. Been dealing with real-life stuff. I'll get an actual program out to you soon.

EDIT: What are your plans going forward? Are you going to update the database with each new strip yourself, or do you want someone else to do it for you?

I'll just do it myself; no need to burden you guys with any more.

Also, HUGE thanks to everyone who's done any number of strips.

Lokasenna

2008-10-28, 05:27 PM

526-530 Done

0526
He's Just Pine-ing for the Fjords
Flumph 1, Flumph 2, Ghost of Lame Monsters Past, Roy, Haley, Niu, Belkar, Isamu

Flumph 1: Look, the travel guide said that the political climate of Azure City was “safe for monsters”. How was I supposed to know they meant only Evil monsters?
Flumph 2: And so we’re stuck wandering around a bunch of caves under-
Ghost of Lame Monsters Past: WoooOOOOoo! I am the Ghost of Lame Monsters Past!
Flumph 1: Ahhh! RUN!
Flumph 2: How?!?
Flumph 1: OK, hover faster, then!
Ghost of Lame Monsters Past: Yes, flee, mortals! No matter how “cool” monsters may become, they can never escape the ghost of my existence! Tremble in fear at my embarrassing presence in older editions! I am an unstopabble-
Roy: Hey, nice! No damage!
Ghost of Lame Monsters Past: Truly, my torment is eternal…
Roy: Looks like we’re all tied up at Ground: 1, Roy: 1. Wow, it’s dark in here… but I guess my body is around here somewhere. Really, you’d think I would get some sort of bonus on my Search check for literally trying to find the back of my hand… Ah, there we are. Geez, I look horrible. Not really the way I expected things to turn out when I linked Belkar’s Mark of Justice to my position, I admit. Actually, you know, my body doesn’t smell half bad. Sort of a pine scent… You know, one really doesn’t expect their own rotting carcass to be so… fragrant. Hey, I wonder if this means my crap really DOES smell better than everyone else’s… Oh, no, wait-I see it now… But that just makes me wonder where they possibly got their hands on a-
Haley: -and then we pop out the grating, climb up into the goblin cleric’s private bathroom, and swipe the +5 Air Freshener of Pineness. However, I must warn you that Operation: Neutralize may be the riskiest mission we have ever-
Niu: It’s worth the risk!
Belkar: It’s worth ANY risk!
Isamu: Can we go right now?

0527
Pep Talk
Roy, Haley

Roy: Hey, someone’s coming… I better get ready to reveal myself, I don’t want to scare anyone accidentally. Haley! Fantastic! Remain calm, Haley. It’s me, Roy. I’m appearing to you from beyond the grave with an important message.
Haley: Hey Roy.
Roy: … OK, maybe not THAT calm. Geez, I mean, I’m still a restless spirit over here! A little respect, please?
Haley: Our glorious Resistance went on its big rescue mission today, after all that planning.
Roy: Yeah, I know. I’ve been watching. But listen, I’m here to tell you-
Haley: We did OK. Not great, but OK. We lost Isamu, but rescued twenty or so slaves. And a cat, apparently.
Roy: Yeah, but Belkar threatened to switch sides without actually doing it. That’s got to be bucking the odds right there.
Haley: I’m not really used to being to being in charge, especially of Belkar. Back in the Thieves’ Guild, we all pretty much each did our own thing, you know?
Roy: Yeah, but this isn’t the same situ-
Haley: And I can’t help but feel like this “Resistance” is just a way to keep us all occupied until Xykon drops the other shoe. We can’t hope to actually defeat him; he could crush the entire team as easily as he squashed you, Roy. Which is to say, really frickin’ easily.
Roy: Geez, thanks for reminding me. Have you been taking tips on encouragement from your boyfriend?
Haley: And that’s not even counting Redcloak, or Tsukiko, or whatever is hiding under that pink umbrella!
Roy: OK, OK, point taken. Haley, listen: Being a leader means being responsible when things go wrong, but it also means knowing that even in a victory, some people might die. But maybe, if the mission is just and the cause righteous, maybe- just maybe- that’s-
Haley: Well, thanks for listening to me ramble again, Roy. I miss you, you big meat shield. I’m gonna go get some rest.
Roy: Or maybe you can’t see or hear me at all, and you’re just talking to my corpse. *sigh*

0528
The Ghost Screamer
Niu, Haley, Roy

Niu: …and of the slaves we rescued today, four were soldiers and a fifth has levels in rogue.
Haley: Not enough levels if he couldn’t escape on his own.
Niu: The rest are commoners or experts.
Roy: HELLO? HALEY? CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Haley: OK, good work, Niu. Find them all a place to sleep, and we’ll talk to those five about joining the guard rotation in the morning.
Roy: So assuming that Belkar’s luck on Listen checks hasn’t become contagious somehow, I think it’s safe to assume that something is actually preventing me from being heard.
Haley: Then try to get some sleep yourself.
Niu: You too, Haley.
Haley: Yup, I’m going to bed right now.
Roy: But what? I never had any problems hearing Dad when he was a ghost-as much as I wished that I did. Hey, maybe she just needs to be touching the Greenhilt sword! Then I’d just have to wait until she moved my body again. Oh, but wait- was I necessarily touching my sword every time I saw my father’s ghost? I can’t remember. Damn it, it’s times like these that I wish I could look back through this comic’s archive. Or maybe I can only be seen and heard by blood relatives. Dad’s loony Blood Oath seems to have all sorts of arbitrary rules like that. And I’m not sure whether it’s the Blood Oath or the sword that is actually allowing me to be a ghost at all… That would mean the sword would have to get to Julia, more than a thousand miles to the north, in Ciffport! And I can’t imagine one of us stumbling over a friendly airship captain who can conveniently whisk us there a second time. That strains even my suspension of-
Haley: OW!!! My hand! What the heck?!? It shocked me! As I was taking it out of my pocket! It’s never done that before.
Roy: Hey, that’s the talisman that Celia gave me! You’ve been carrying it around in your pocket?
Haley: Oh man, I’ve had it with me all day. It must have gotten charged up with electricity when I got zapped with that orb spell. I hope it doesn’t get damaged.
Roy: Ha! Good luck breaking it, even on purpose. I tried with all my strength while I was falling, and I didn’t even get it to-

0529
The Summons
Roy, Haley, Celia

Roy: What the- how did you- … I must have loosened that for you.
Haley: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! What the heck is happening?
Celia: FOOLISH WOMAN! HOW DARE YOU DISTURB MY SLUMBER?!? Oh, hey, Haley. How’s it going?
Haley: Celia?!?
Roy: Celia, baby!
Celia: I see you got your speech back. Good for you.
Haley: Oh, yeah, a few months ago now. I guess I disturbed your “slumber”?
Celia: Huh? Oh, right, well, I went to bed early. I have class first thing in the morning.
Roy: Hello? Celia? It’s me, Roy!
Celia: Sorry about the light show, I thought you were my mom. She likes to summon me home and ask me why she doesn’t have any grandchildren yet.
Roy: You know, your boyfriend, Roy? Come on! Hear me!
Celia: So, where’s Roy, then?
Haley: He’s… not here right now. It’s a long story.
Roy: Damn it, she can’t see me either! So much for the bonds of love. Or the bonds of mutual lust, at least.
Celia: Oh. Well, why did you break my summoning talisman, then? Is Roy in trouble?
Haley: It broke on its own, after I got blasted by an Electric Orb spell earlier.
Celia: Oh, that makes sense. The amulet is designed to only break for magical energy, but it’s a little weak against electricity.
Roy: Wait, what?
Celia: It has a tendency to break if the user gets shocked hard.
Roy: Only for magical energy? But I’m not-
Haley: But Roy wasn’t-uh, isn’t a wizard. How was he supposed to break it?
Celia: Oh, I know, but it didn’t need a spell. Just zap a little energy on it and it shatters. See?
Haley: Celia… Humans can’t shoot energy out of our fingers.
Celia: …You can’t?
Haley: No.
Celia: Not even lightning?
Haley: Not even lightning.
Celia: Huh. Weird. Well, I guess it’s a good thing there wasn’t a real emergency, huh? I mean, could you imagine?

0530
Regarding the Speed With Which One Removes Band-Aids
Celia, Haley, Roy, Belkar

Celia: Azure City…and the Sapphire Guard… overrun by hobgoblins? I can’t believe it!
Haley: Don’t forget the giant hole in the sky. I’m sure that absolutely isn’t a sign that we’re screwed. The other half of the party sailed away that night, and we haven’t heard from them since. I’ve considered leaving the city to try to find them, but I wouldn’t know where to start. They have all the magic, you know? I figure it’s better to sit tight and wait for them to come find us.
Roy: But they CAN’T find you! You need to leave the city!
Celia: And since you were stuck here anyway, you decided to form a resistance group, then?
Haley: Yup. Do some good while we wait!
Celia: How big is your army?
Haley: Only 200 people. Turns out that two other groups started up with the same idea, and none of us really get along.
Celia: Huh? Why not? Aren’t you all on the same side?
Haley: Not the way they see it. One group believes it was the evil influence of the Order of the Stick that corrupted their righteous leader, Hinjo, and led to his ruin in battle. The other group thinks that Hinjo orchestrated Shojo’s assassination personally, and that anyone who worked too closely with him can’t be trusted. Neither group is therefore at all keen on the idea of working with me. We’ve spent more time fighting with them over supplies than we have battling hobgoblins.
Celia: That’s awful. Have you tried charming them?
Haley: No, we haven’t, because for the hundredth time, humans are not like you and do not cast sorcerer spells as a caster whose level equals their Hit Dice!
Celia: Hey, it’s not MY fault I don’t know what you humans can do! You don’t even HAVE any entry in the Monster Manual anymore! So wait, if Roy escaped the city with Elan, why were you carrying my talisman?
Haley: That’s, uh… that’s not what I said.
Roy: Oh gods… I don’t think I can listen to this.
Celia: What do you mean? You said only you and Belkar split from the group and got trapped in the city.
Haley: Technically correct.
Celia: So Roy is on the boat with the others.
Roy: Please, Haley, break it to her gently.
Haley: Not… exactly. Celia, I intentionally left something out of the story. I wanted you to hear the whole thing before I gave you the really bad news.
Belkar: HEY! Haley! Where’d you stash those salted fish we swiped last week? Mr. Scruffy hasn’t eaten anything but rice and mice for three months.
Haley: Belkar, can’t you see that Celia was summoned here accidentally?
Belkar: Yeah? Well, unless she’s gonna wave her little fairy wand and conjure up a mackerel or two, I don’t see how that possibly impacts my current dilemma.
Haley: <whispers> Belkar, will you just shut up for two freaking minutes?!? I need to tell her that Roy croaked!
Belkar: Only if you agree to get me some fish for the Scruffinator.
Haley: <whispers> OK, fine! Now zip it! <normal> Celia… about Roy. He… gods, there’s no easy way to say this… He didn’t make it.
Celia: He didn’t make it back to the boat? So he IS with you?
Haley: No, I mean… he’s not with us anymore.
Celia: Oh, OK. So, what, he went scouting? Or did he go try to infiltrate Xykon’s tower so something?
Haley: No, Celia… Roy had joined the choir invisible.
Celia: And that means what? That he multiclassed to bard?
Haley: It means that Roy has crossed over to the other side.
Celia: Of the city?
Haley: No, the OTHER other side.
Celia: … He’s gay?
Belkar: OK, that’s IT! I can’t take the euphemisms anymore!
Roy: Oh, no. No, don’t you dare, you vile little-
Haley: Belkar, what are you-
Belkar: Roy is dead!
Celia: What?!?
Belkar: Yup, Xykon blasted him with a Meteor Swarm and now he’s deader than class/race restrictions and nonweapon proficiencies. But it’s all good, because we’ve got his corpse stashed in a cave, so all we need to do is hook up with Whiskers Von Thor-Bugger and the other two idiots and he’ll be Resurrected faster than you can say, “Reduced impact of character mortality.” Now can we PLEASE go find Mr. Scruffy some damn fish?!?
Haley: Oh, gods, Celia, I am so sorry. I didn’t want you to find out that-
Celia: No…no, it’s OK, Haley. When he puts it like that, it doesn’t sound so bad, really.
Roy: Going to KILL you!
Haley: It doesn’t?
Celia: Roy and I already had a long-distance relationship. All we ever needed was one spell to bring us back together. Only difference is, now the spell we need to Resurrection instead of Plane Shift. Not so bad when you think of it that way, y’know?
Roy: Not so bad… easy for her to say, she’s not the one who’s this close, and still so far away.
Celia: Besides, it’s almost like I can feel him watching over us…
Belkar: Hey! If you can’t find a way to cut back on the weepy melodrama, I swear I’ll start dropping random pop culture references. And I don’t think anyone wants that!

Again, please tell me if you find any errors.

Samurai Jill

2008-10-28, 05:54 PM

There's a couple.

527:

...But maybe, if the mkission is just...

529:

But Roy wasn’t-uh, isn’t a wizard. How was he supposed to break it?

Celia… Humans can’t shoot energy out of our fingers.

530:

That’s’ awful. Have you tried charming them?

“Reduced impact of character mortality.”

Lokasenna

2008-10-28, 07:27 PM

Lokasenna

2008-11-01, 05:54 PM

Sorry, I have another question. I think the Giant gave names to the two assassins from the inn, but they aren't in the comic. Does anyone remember the names?

Lira

2008-11-01, 06:08 PM

I remember people saying that the dwarf is named Kaboom Redaxe, but I don't remember if the Shadowdancer had a real name or not.

Lokasenna

2008-11-01, 09:40 PM

I remember people saying that the dwarf is named Kaboom Redaxe, but I don't remember if the Shadowdancer had a real name or not.

Thanks. I also did like what we do like Durkon's accent and put it as (KR). If we get a name for the Shadowdancer I'll change it.

So here's 531-535

0531
Wake Up Call to Action
Celia, Roy, Haley, Smuggler

Celia: Haley? Haley, wake up.
Roy: Good luck. I’ve been trying to wake her up for five hours. So much for hearing ghosts in your sleep.
Haley: Whuh? Celia? What is it? Are we under attack?
Celia: No, no, nothing like that.
Haley: Is something else wrong that would justify waking me up after a long day of fighting that has left me tired, sore, and-most importantly at this moment-grumpy?
Celia: Everything’s fine. These new clothes you loaned me are great, even if they are a little roomy in the hips. Actually, a LOT roomy in the hips… I had to pin the waist.
Haley: You are not succeeding at making me LESS grumpy.
Celia: Sorry. It’s just that it’s sunrise-I think, it’s tough to tell with the purple sky-and I figured we should get an early start.
Haley: I am getting an early start. I’m getting an early start on sleeping until midday. I suggest that you go back to bed and try to catch up.
Celia: Come on, Haley! Rise and shine! We have a lot to do today! Get up!
Haley: HEY! What are you babbling about? What do we have to do today?
Celia: Today is the day you leave the city with me and we start looking for Durkon, Elan, and Vaarsuvius.
Haley: What? Today??
Roy: Yes! I knew someone had my best interests at heart!
Celia: I didn’t sleep much…I was thinking about everything you told me. And I came to a conclusion: After three and a half months, it’s not reasonable to think they are going to come back here on their own. They’ve obviously run into some sort of problem. What if THEY need US to come and rescue them?
Haley: Do you think I haven’t thought of that? But what if we leave, and they come back tomorrow?
Celia: We leave a message with your Resistance buddies. I’m sure they’ll hear about it with any of Hinjo’s fleet returns.
Haley: OK, well… where do we start? They could be anywhere in the world by now. Should we just wander around until we bump into them?
Celia: Of course not. We head to the biggest city and find a spellcaster we can hire. Greysky City is north, just past the mountains, and if that fails, we could head all the way up to Cliffport.
Haley: Uh, yeah, Cliffport sounds better to me.
Roy: Yes! Go to Cliffport! Go get Julia, I’m sure she’ll be able to see me!
Haley: But it doesn’t matter, because I don’t have the kind of money needed. Not anymore…
Smuggler: The DMG prices don’t take into account the additional expenses I incurred smuggling these weapons past the hobgoblins.
Haley: 5000 gp for a dozen +1 flaming arrows?!?
Smuggler: I incurred significant expenses.
Celia: So? You’re an adventurer. Roam around the countryside a bit and I’m sure some treasure-laden monsters will throw themselves in front of your weapons. Now come on, stop making excuses and start getting ready.
Haley: No, Celia. I don’t think this is a good idea.
Celia: You don’t? OK, well, let me break it down for you this way: I’m leaving the city, and I’m taking Roy with me when I do.
Roy: Ooooo, boy.
Celia: And from what you told me about that curse thingamajobber, that means Belkar will need to follow. Though I doubt he’ll complain, since it means he gets to leave the confines of the city. Now I freely admit that if you want to physically restrain me, you’ll probably succeed. I don’t have all that fancy combat training you PC types have. But that’s pretty much the only way you’re keeping me here, so you might as well join me.
Haley: I’m surprised at you, Celia. You really want to be like that?
Celia: Not really, no. But as I see it, I’m the only one around here who doesn’t consider you their fearless leader. That means it’s up to me to set you straight.
Haley: …OK, then. You win. You’ve made a convincing argument for leaving.
Celia: Don’t feel bad, I do have a perfect record at trial.
Haley: You’ve only tried one case.
Celia: 1-0 is still a perfect record.
Haley: It’s just… part of me is worried that if I do figure out a way to track Elan down, I’m just going to find out that he’s been dead this whole time…
Celia: Maybe we’ll get lucky and swing a twofer on dead boyfriend resurrections.
Haley: CELIA!
Celia: What? I need to accept that Roy’s dead, but you get to be neurotic over Elan? I don’t think so. Suck it up and go find the body.
Roy: Damn…
Haley: … You know, I never noticed how annoying you were before.
Celia: That’s only because you’re not accustomed to being proven wrong so often in such a short period of time. Don’t worry, though. You’ll get used to it. And just think, this way, you’ll finally get outside the range of that irritating Cloister spell, so eventually people will be able to scry on you again without it being blocked. I mean, it’ll be SO much easier for Vaarsuvius to find you once that wears off.
Roy: Connecting the dots in 3… 2… 1…
Haley: BLOCKED?!? You mean I’ve been waiting for them to use magic to find me this whole time, and that magic has been BLOCKED?!?
Celia: You didn’t know? You couldn’t sense the presence of an abjuration by the way your teeth tingle? Do I need to tell you where the door is, too? What kind of lame supar senses are you people using, anyway?
Haley: The kind that are really good at lining up this boot with your bony fairy butt. Wanna see?

0532
The Exposition Fairy
Haley, Celia, Dorukan, Xykon, Roy, Serfway Cashier, Earth Sigil Guardian, Fire Sigil Guardian, Lirian

Haley: OK, now I want you to explain this “Cloister” thing to me.
Celia: Well, you know how-
Haley: And don’t make any assumptions about what I can or cannot sense, or do or do not know.
Celia: …OK, I’ll try. So, once I worked for a wizard named Dorukan, who was guarding one of the five Gates that lock away a creature known as the Snarl.
Haley: Yes, Celia, I know. That’s how we met.
Celia: Well, you said not to make any assumptions. Geez. Anyway, I didn’t know at the time what he was guarding down there, but I did know that he used several powerful arcane spells that he had researched himself. Epic spells. One was called “Cloister”. It basically blocked all divination, communication, and transportation magic from breaching an area up to several miles wide.
Dorukan: Cloister!
Celia: Teleportation, scrying, plane shifting, dimensional doors, locating creatures, sending ethereal jaunts, you name it, it blocked it. You could cast them within the area, or even from inside the field to outside, but anyone on the outside of the boundary would get nothing but busy signals and error messages. I mean, unless they were using epic magic, too. Right before Xykon moved in, the field disappeared-probably due to Dorukan’s death, but I’m not really sure.
Celia: That’s weird…
Celia: And then, poof! One day, it was back. I guess Xykon found a way to master the spell himself.
Xykon: It’s either a lame hippie hairband, or the material focus for the most powerful abjurations ever. Probably both.
Celia: The field gives off a vibration to which most of us were sensitive… And as soon as I arrived here, I could feel it all around. (Sorry that it didn’t occur to me that no one else could.) Xykon must be using the spell that he learned back then on Azure City, to keep anyone from interfering.
Haley: So Durkon and V could have been searching for us the whole time… and once we step outside the city, they’ll find us!
Celia: Well, uh, actually… it might not be quite that easy.
Roy: Gosh, there’s a surprise.
Celia: You see, Cloister doesn’t just target an area of land, it also targets each and every living creature within that area at the time of casting, preventing them from being scryed on or contacted.
Haley: Every creature?? Why? That’s just unnecessary overkill!
Celia: Oh, it’s absolutely overkill. But, you know… He was a man.
Haley: Ah. Got it.
Roy: HEY!
Celia: Besides, Dorukan wanted to be certain that if he or one of his servants left the castle, they’d still be shielded properly.
Haley: Left the castle? I thought you pretty much stayed holed up there.
Celia: No, sometimes we had missions.
Serfway Cashier: Hello, welcome to Serfway.
Earth Sigil Guardian: Hi, let me get three veggie subs, no cheese.
Fire Sigil Guardian: I want hot peppers on mine.
Earth Sigil Guardian: One with hot peppers.
Celia: Really important missions. The upshot being that getting you out of the city will only prevent Xykon from casting it on you again. You’ll still need to wait for the effect to wear off your person, too.
Roy: Goddamn it!
Haley: How long will that take?
Celia: Who knows? The duration is one week per caster level, but-
Haley: But we don’t know Xykon’s exact caster level.
Celia: Bingo.
Haley: But we CAN do the math. It’s been sixteen weeks since the city fell.
Celia: Oh, I see what you’re saying… And Xykon would need to be 20th level to cat an epic spell.
Roy: 21st level. He needs an epic feat in order to learn any epic spells.
Haley: So we have a minimum of… wow, no less than four weeks before the spell wears off of me.
Celia: Darn it.
Roy: FIVE weeks! Gods, doesn’t anyone know the epic rules around here?
Haley: Still, Cliffport is way more than four weeks north of here, even if we somehow manage to get our hands on horses. I guess it doesn’t change anything after all. We head north, until we can contact them or they can contact us. Just one more question, though. How come we were able to summon you with that talisman?
Celia: For some reason, Dorukan built an specific exception for summoning spells into the Cloister’s effect. I still don’t know why.
Roy: Huh… I wonder what he summoned that was important enough to leave a big, gaping hole in his über-spell…
Lirian: Hey, handsome.

0533
Open To Multiple Interpretations
Haley, Rover’s Owner, Roy, Celia, Thanh, Pro-Hinjo Leader, Anti-Hinjo Leader, Belkar

Haley: …and then I want someone to go get the cart with my friend’s body in it and check it over thoroughly. I don’t want it popping a wheel off as we sneak out.
Rover’s Owner: Yes, Haley.
Roy: Hmmm. I better follow, just in case.
Haley: You know, I’ll miss giving all the orders, but I wouldn’t miss making all the decisions. I just worry about what will happen to the Resistance once we leave.
Celia: Well, if my idea works, that should be a lot less of a problem.
Haley: I know, I’m just not optimistic. Did our messengers return from the other two resistance groups yet?
Celia: Yes. If they’re sending a representative, they should be here soon.
Haley: Just don’t get too hopeful. Even if they didn’t literally shoot the messenger, I doubt they’ll show. They hate outsiders.
Celia: How would they know I was an Outsider from the message?
Haley: No, I meant “outsider” as a foreigner, not the creature type.
Celia: Oh. Look, don’t worry. I got a 3.5 in my Mediation and Arbitration class, and I’m a totally neutral third party. I’m sure when I get them around the negotiation table, I’ll be able to strike a deal.
Haley: I hope you’re right, or I’ll be leaving my people in an even worse situation.
Thanh: Two groups arrived a few minutes ago, Haley. I will stand guard here, to protect the rest of our team should they turn on you.
Haley: Thanks, Thanh. Hey guys, welcome to our headquar-
Pro-Hinjo Leader: Ah, the Northern pig-bitch shows herself at last.
Anti-Hinjo Leader: The Twelve Gods teach us that keeping guests waiting is a sign of treacherous intent.
Haley: -ters.
Celia: Thank you for joining us, honored guests. My name is Celia, and I’m here to serve as an impartial mediator during these talks. It is my hope that by starting a productive dialogue, we can put this unfortunate behavior behind us and focus on the task of reclaiming your homeland.
Pro-Hinjo Leader: BAH!
Celia: Excuse me?
Pro-Hinjo Leader: The flame-haired trollop is an evil interloper, sent by our enemies to sow dissent!
Anti-Hinjo Leader: There can be no truce with the harlot who aided Hinjo’s regicide.
Haley: And a good morning to you, too.
Celia: Well, it may interest you to know that Haley will be leav-
Pro-Hinjo Leader: REGICIDE? Still your tongue! Lord Hinjo’s holy righteousness is beyond doubt!
Anti-Hinjo Leader: Indeed. So far beyond that it has escaped detection by all my senses.
Celia: We really should focus-
Pro-Hinjo Leader: You dare mock our lord? No one speaks lies about Lord Hinjo and escapes my steel!
Anti-Hinjo Leader: If you wish to meet your end defending the honor of a usurper I have no qualms obliging you.
Celia: GAH!
Pro-Hinjo Leader: Die, traitor!
Anti-Hinjo Leader: Prepare a place for your wretched master in HELL!
Celia: Haley, do something!
Haley: Yeah, I’m absolutely going to put myself between the swords of two people who recently called me a whore. I’ll get right on it.
Belkar: STOP! NO ONE is going to disembowel ANYONE around here until I find a seat with a better view. Got it?
Pro-Hinjo Leader: By the Twelve Gods… do you see?
Anti-Hinjo Leader: Yes.
Pro-Hinjo Leader: The cat. Lord Shojo’s blessed cat.
Anti-Hinjo Leader: The cat is an omen.
Belkar: Who, Mr. Scruffy?
Pro-Hinjo Leader: The late Lord Shojo speaks to us by sending his pet before us.
Anti-Hinjo Leader: He has settled our dispute through this action. The path is clear.
Pro-Hinjo Leader and Anti-Hinjo Leader: We pledge our allegiance to you, chosen leader of the new unified resistance!
Belkar: Well, my schedule is awfully busy right now, but duty calls, I guess. I accept. OK, first order of business? Let’s get some strippers in here. And booze-good Northern booze, not that rice wine crap. Then, I want you to all draw lots and duel to the death for my amusement in a giant kung fu blood tournament.
Pro-Hinjo Leader: The cat… is also near that paladin back there.
Anti-Hinjo Leader: His tail does seem to be pointing in that direction.
Pro-Hinjo Leader and Anti-Hinjo Leader: We pledge our allegiance to you, chosen leader of the new unified resistance!
Thanh: Huh?
Belkar: OK, for that? You two are going to be first in the tournament. Ready… FIGHT!

0534
Medium Creatures
Rover’s Owner, Roy, Niu, Madame Xanadu, Roy’s Archon, Rover

Rover’s Owner: Huh. I wonder what kind of metal this is?
Roy: Hey, you’re supposed to be checking the cart, not shooting down yet another of my plausible theories!
Niu: Hey, I’ve got three new recruits for you to show around.
Rover’s Owner: Sure thing.
Niu: This is Shi Bao, master carpenter. Wu Zhao, skilled chief. And Madame Xanadu, noted psychic and fortune teller.
Roy: YES!
Rover’s Owner: OK, well, I’ll start by showing you the-
Roy: Can you hear me?
Madame Xanadu: Wait, child! I’m feeling a presence…
Roy: Yes! That’s me, a presence! A big glowing presence!
Madame Xanadu: A spirit from beyond the grave wishes to communicate with you.
Rover’s Owner: Really?
Roy: I need you to get a message to Haley Starshine. It’s about where her idiotic boyfriend is right now.
Madame Xanadu: His name… begins with the letter “R”.
Roy: Yes! That’s right! Roy! I’m Roy Greenhilt.
Madame Xanadu: R…o…
Roy: You’ve almost got it. Roy. R-o-y. Roy. My name is Roy, Say it.
Rover’s Owner: R…o… Is it Rover? I had a dog named Rover once.
Madame Xanadu: Yes! Yes, it is definitely your old dog, Rover. He’s wagging his tail now.
Roy: … You’ve got to be kidding me.
Madame Xanadu: He’s trying ask your forgiveness for peeing on the rug so many times.
Rover’s Owner: Oh, Rover, it’s OK. I forgive you, boy!
Roy: No! No! I’m not a dog, and I didn’t pee on anything!
Madame Xanadu: Ahh… now I’m getting a deep sense of peace and tranquility.
Roy: Listen to me, you stupid old bat! My name is Roy! ROY! Get it right! That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m going back to the clouds, at least I can look down on everything from up there.
Madame Xanadu: And now, I sense his spirit is leaving…
Rover’s Owner: Goodbye, Rover! I love you!
Madame Xanadu: That’ll be 5 gp, dear.
Roy: Ridiculous. What kind of psychic can sense a dog’s guilt over urinating, but doesn’t notice a bona fide ghost in the same room?
Roy’s Archon: Really? Because I heard she’s Azure City’s “number one” psychic. Get it?
Roy: Oh, great. Hilarious. Don’t quit your Day Job for a career in comedy. Wait, guiding me is your job. Change of plans, go ahead and quit.
Roy’s Archon: Maybe she’s have more luck if she used her “wee-wee” board…
Rover: She forgives me? Hey, I’m not the one who did the neutering, woman!

0535
The Cat Stays in the Picture
Thanh, Haley, Shadowdancer, Kaboom Redaxe, Niu, Belkar, Mr. Scruffy

Thanh: Haley, I’m not certain this is a wise move.
Haley: You’ll do fine. They’ll eat up that “righteous vengeance” shtick you have with a spoon. Well, with chopsticks.
Thanh: But I wasn’t even part of the Sapphire Guard’s leadership! I was a glorified messenger! I only survived that battle because I was on a diplomatic mission to Nowhere at the time.
Shadowdancer: A paladin??
Kaboom Redaxe: Screw tha, we’re na getting’ paid enuff.
(KR): Screw that, we’re not getting paid enough.
Thanh: Are you certain you cannot stay to advise me for a while?
Haley: Sorry, the agreement that Celia drafted and they signed stipulates that Belkar and I can’t stick around. But I’ll give you some advice. When it comes to doing what’s right, trust your instincts. When it comes to doing what is stealthy-ignore your instincts. You don’t have a deceitful bone is your body. Just ask someone else what would be sneaky, and do that. Maybe ask Niu here. She’s pretty underhanded for a fighter, especially since she took that level in rogue.
Thanh: I didn’t know you multi-classed to rogue.
Niu: Yeah, what was I thinking, not advertising it to the team’s paladin?
Haley: And don’t forget, if anyone from Hinjo’s fleet shows up, tell them that we went to Cliffport.
Niu: I’ll remember. Thanks, Haley:
Haley: Make me proud, girl.
Niu: I will.
Thanh: Good luck. My people own you a debt.
Haley: To you, too. Maybe the Twelve Gods not appear in the sky just to smack you down.
Belkar: This is totally unfair, you know. That should be ME ruling with an iron fist, not Fuzz-Lip.
Haley: Yeah, fate is a cruel mistress. Just be glad they’re letting you take Mr. Scruffy. Apparently a little omen goes a long way.
Belkar: Ha! As if they could force the Scruffinator to stay! Come on, Mr. Scruffy, time to leave this blue cesspool and hit the open road. It’s just you and me now, halfling and cat. Two stone-cold killers cutting a bloody swath across a world of soft squishy targets. What do you say to that?
Mr. Scruffy: Meow?
Belkar: Huh. Well I was hoping for something more like, “Hell yeah, let’s find some bitches and get this party started!” but I guess we can work our way up to that.

Lokasenna

2008-11-05, 07:26 PM

And 536-540.

0536
A Brief Tribute
Tony, Roy, Roy’s Archon, E. Gary Gygax

Tony: Clear the way! Stand aside!
Roy: Huh? What’s going on? Did some big hero die?
Roy’s Archon: Something like that.
E. Gary Gygax: Huh. You know, last time I was directly involved, we called this place “the Seven Heavens” and the other place “the Nine Hells”
Roy: Oh my gods. Oh my gods. I can’t- I don’t believe it. Sir? I know I don’t have the right to speak for everyone who has been impacted by your life-well, screw it, I’m doing it anyway: Thank you. Thank you from every single-classed fighter, every magic-user that needs to memorize their spells in the morning, and hell, every female dark elf cavalier wielding two lances from the back of a unicorn. You didn’t create us, but we wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for you. None of us would. There would be no such thing as adventuring parties or dungeon crawls. And there’d be a whole lot of us who would need to spend more time doing jobs. Like, normal nine-to-five jobs, where dice aren’t a deductable business expense. Those of us lucky enough to spend their time kicking down doors and slaying dragons for a living owe you an extra debt. You know, I do have a few questions. Some things that just never made any sense…
E. Gary Gygax: I’ll love to help out, son, but I’m just passing through. Figured I’d take a grand tour of all the planes before settling down somewhere. (I was considering rolling on a chart to figure out where.)
Roy’s Archon: Just a word of warning while you’re here: Be careful around the Hall of Characters That Died Without a Saving Throw. A lot of guys there are still testy about “Tomb of Horrors”.
E. Gary Gygax: Heh, heh, oh, man. Sphere of Annihilation in that statue’s mouth. That never got old. Anyway, thanks for your kind words, but I really must be going now.
Roy: Yeah, yeah, of course. Sorry to hold you up, sir.
Roy’s Archon: You know, I still have all of my old First Edition hardbacks. Want to play a game?
Roy: Yeah, OK. Maybe I’ll roll up a gnome illusionist.
Roy’s Archon: OK, roll 3d6 six times for your stats. In order.

0537
What Do You Think Comes in a Disguise Kit, Anyway?
Haley, Celia, Belkar

Haley: OK, so this is a seldom-used mining path that leads through the mountains. If we follow it, we should be able to bypass the city.
Celia: Is it guarded?
Haley: Yeah, but not as heavily. This particular mine has been tapped out for over 100 years, so most people don’t know it’s even here.
Belkar: So we’re talking, like, 30 hobgoblins, tops.
Celia: Thirty?? That’s like an army!
Belkar: Please. It’s not even a work out.
Haley: Yeah, if we kill 10 each, we’re golden.
Celia: Kill? Can’t we just sneak past them?
Haley: Not pulling this cart, we can’t.
Belkar: And I’m still not letting you put Roy’s body in a Bag of Holding. I know it will screw me somehow.
Haley: Not to mention that the inside of my bag will be covered in dead Roy.
Belkar: Besides, it’s easier to just kill them all.
Celia: Easier for you, maybe, but some of us aren’t professional murderers!
Belkar: Professional? HA! I wish I was getting paid for this!
Haley: Wait, are you saying you don’t kill?
Celia: Yeah, uh, MOST people don’t kill, Haley! That’s why there are laws against murder. It’s really only adventurers who think, “Hmm, how can I solve this problem? Oh, right bloodshed!”
Belkar: That’s not true. We run away a lot, too.
Haley: Yeah, well, when you’ve been around the dungeon a few times, you start to see violence as an acceptable alternative to a one-way ticket on the Negative Hit Point Express. I’d rather kill a few dozen hobgoblins than end up like Roy here. At any rate, these guards don’t share your delicate sensibilities, so if you don’t want to fight, just stay back here behind the cart. Belkar, can you handle fifteen?
Belkar: If I can’t, we’ll have to stop at the next town to buy me a frilly pink dress, ‘cause it’ll mean I’ll have spontaneously turned into a preteen girl.
Celia: WAIT! This path only leads back to the mines, right? If you kill all the guards, someone will notice and try searching the caves. They’ll find the Resistance immediately.
Haley: Hmmm. That’s actually a really good point.
Belkar: Hey, they had their chance to serve me as a living god, I say, let ‘em suffer.
Celia: But don’t worry… you just gave me an idea when you mentioned ending up like Roy… Haley, close your eyes.
Haley: Ummm, OK.
Celia: There! Who needs a Feign Death spell when we have a black eyeliner pencil? Now get on the cart with the other corpse while I do the same thing with Belkar.
Belkar: Eyeliner? Couldn’t you just stab me instead?

0538
Fiend or Foe
Belkar, Haley, Celia, Hobgoblin, Hobgoblin with a Clipboard

Belkar: This is the dumbest idea in a long history of dumb ideas.
Haley: Says the man who lit the bandit camp on fire.
Celia: Shut up and lay still, both of you. I need to get into character. Alter Self! There. Not bad. Though I sort of wish I could change my clothes with that spell, too. Pink doesn’t really match…
Hobgoblin: Halt! Who goes there?
Hobgoblin with a Clipboard: Hey, I wanted to say it this time.
Hobgoblin: Zip it.
Celia: My name is Darkblood Gloomgloom, evil fiendish necromancer. I’m just returning home after purchasing three fresh Grade-A corpses from your marketplace, upon which I will conduct experiments far too horrible to even contemplate. This is my demon-cat familiar...uh…Mr. Scummy.
Hobgoblin with a Clipboard: What sort of experiments?
Celia: I just said they were far too horrible to contemplate! Geez, pay attention.
Hobgoblin with a Clipboard: Oh, right, sorry. OK, well, you’re a little clichéd, but you seem evil enough. You may pass.
Celia: Great!
Hobgoblin: Just a moment. If you’re really a necromancer, why are you lugging your own cart instead of having a zombie do it for you? Maybe you should show us a little bit of your dark power, just so that we can be sure.
Celia: My dark power? Right! Right. Because I am totally a necromancer, and not a sorcerer who didn’t happen to take any necromancy spells… Um, OK… Arise, dead corpse, and take on an unholy semblance of life! Arise! I said, “ARISE, dead halfling corpse that is right in front of me, and take on a semblance of life!” NOW!
Belkar: OW! OK, OK, I’m arising already.
Celia: See? Through my mastery of the forbidden arts, the dead walk again!
Hobgoblin: I dunno, he doesn’t really LOOK undead…
Belkar: Anyone ELSE wanna discuss my creature type with me?
Hobgoblin with a Clipboard: No, no, I think we’ll all set here. Have a nice day, and thanks for the promotion.

0539
Well, There is That "Saint" Prestige Class
Belkar, Celia, Haley, Solt Lorkyurg, Fox

Belkar: See, now that’s what being on a team is all about. You wanted to not kill ANY hobgoblins, I wanted to kill ALL the hobgoblins, and what happened? We compromised: I killed ONE of the hobgoblins.
Celia: You didn’t need to kill me.
Belkar: True. But I didn’t need to NOT kill him either.
Haley: Celia, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but Belkar didn’t do anything wrong.
Belkar: I didn’t? Huh.
Haley: Everything worked out fine. This is a war: if one of them happens to die today, that’s one less for the Resistance to fight later. Now both of you, shush. There’s a gnome on the road.
Solt Lorkyurg: Hello, fellow travelers! Hail, and well met! My name is Solt Lorkyurg, humble spice peddler. I bring my wares from the North to Azure City to sell.
Haley: Uh… I hate to tell you this, but Azure City was conquered by evil goblinoids, like, months ago.
Solt Lorkyurg: Was it? Oh my. Well, I suppose that’s what I get for getting all my information from Fox News.
Fox: Yip yip yip yip, yip yip yip yip. Yip yip, yip yip yowl, yip yip yipyip.
Haley: Hey, how far is it to the main road? We’re headed north.
Solt Lorkyurg: About three or four days. When you get to the crossroad, hang a left to get through the mountain pass.
Haley: Thanks. Sorry about the mix-up, maybe you-
Solt Lorkyurg: Urk!
Haley: WHAT DID YOU DO???
Celia: Oh gods…
Belkar: What? You said it yourself, this is war! There’s now one less gnome for the Resistance to fight, right?
Haley: The Resistance isn’t at war with the gnome!!!
Belkar: Well of course not, not anymore. He’s dead. Don’t get so worked up. He was a pointless NPC. He was just there to provide color to the scene. He probably didn’t even have a name.
Haley: He TOLD us his name!
Belkar: Did he? I wasn’t listening. Look, I can’t be the only one who appreciates the symmetry of the situation. He had a donkey, and we needed a donkey to pull the cart. Now we have a donkey, and he doesn’t need anything anymore. Everybody wins!
Celia: Wait, Haley, I have a solution. We paint the corpse orange and sharpen his teeth a little. You know, so you can rationalize it more easily.
Belkar: Oooo! A candy bar!
Haley: I wonder if the gods would be offended if I just prayed directly to Roy for the strength to not strangle them both.

0540
Melt in Your Mouth, Not on Your Alignment
Celia, Haley, Belkar

Celia: I can’t believe I’m traveling with a criminal.
Haley: Yeah, you might want to pluralize that noun there. Some of us had to work for a living before we became adventurers.
Belkar: Mmmm, tasty!
Celia: You know what I mean. Belkar is a murderer, he needs to go to jail.
Haley: You know, you’re right, I should turn him in to the local authorities. Oh! Wait! The local authorities are the main villains of the comic! They’ll probably give him a medal for ending the gnome menace once and for all.
Celia: Well… you’re his leader, you’re responsible for his actions. Do something.
Haley: OK, quick guide: Bald with dark skin? Takes responsibility for other people’s actions. Sexy redhead with fair skin? Takes responsibility for her own actions. And frankly, even that is sort of new. Leaders are held responsible for their followers under the assumption that the leader has SOME degree of control over them. Which is not the case here: Belkar doesn’t listen to me at all. I’m “leader” in name only, so I refuse to be held accountable for his actions. I didn’t hire Belkar and I’m not his jailer. I say, let fate or karma or the gods or…or whatever deal with his deeds.
Celia: But… but you have to do SOMETHING!
Haley: Why don’t YOU do something, if you’re so keen on it. Maybe kill him- eye for an eye, and all that?
Celia: Me? I… I’m not a killer! If I did that, I’d be no better than him.
Haley: Yeah, pacifism is tricky that way, ain’t it?
Celia: He can’t just get away with murder! There has to be some consequences!
Haley: Fine. FINE! Just to get you off my back…
Belkar: Hey!
Haley: There. The vile criminal has been punished by the loss of his beloved snack. Milk chocolate justice, with almonds.
Belkar: Damn it! With my luck, the next gnome I kill won’t even HAVE any candy!
Celia: … Do you have any idea how many cute fuzzy animals can die from ingesting chocolate?
Haley: Oh, for the love of the gods…
Celia: Now I have to find that candy bar and throw it away in a proper waste receptacle before some little puppy eats it…
Haley: She knows what’s poisonous to dogs, but not that humans can’t shoot lightning?
Belkar: Screw her and her “morals”! Let’s make a break for it while she’s distracted.
Haley: Appealing as that sounds, let me ask you this: Would I be traveling with a horrid little bastard like you if I didn’t need all the help I could get?
Belkar: Oh, right. Good point.

Lokasenna

2008-11-06, 07:45 PM

541-545

0541
He's a Gambling... Thing
Roach Host, Roach Co-Host, Tsukiko, Wight, Jirix, Xykon, Monster in the Darkness, Roach 1, Roach 2, Roach 3

Roach Host: Fellow evil folks, welcome once again to the Demon Entertainment Network. We have a spectacular show for you today.
Roach Co-Host: The name of the game is, “Dead or Alive?” As always, ladies bet first.
Tsukiko: Ha! Definitely dead.
Wight: Yeah, he’s a goner.
Jirix: Put my gold on “Alive”, please. I’m feeling lucky.
Roach Host: And the skeleton gets the last say.
Xykon: Hmmm… a tough call, but I’m going to have to agree with the orange guy and say, “Alive”- but with negative hit points.
Roach Host: Ooooo, playing the longshot!
Roach Co-Host: OK, all the bets are in, let’s get this-
Monster in the Darkness: Wait! Wait, I want to play too.
Roach 1: No way, kid, we run a legit operation. Scram.
Monster in the Darkness: I have money! See?
Roach 1: That’s Monopoly money.
Monster in the Darkness: Yeah, but it’s REAL Monopoly money this time. I learned my lesson.
Roach Host: Take the bet.
Monster in the Darkness: Awesome! I want to bet on “Escapes and lives happily ever after.”
Roach 1: Again? You try that bet every time.
Roach Co-Host: Well, if you want to throw your real fake money away, who are we to stop you? Drop him!
Monster in the Darkness: You can do it, Mr. Stiffly! I believe in you!
Roach 2: Is that an acid-breathing shark?!?
Roach 3: Yeah. They’ll let any old hack write a sourcebook these days.

0542
In Azure City, Shark Jumps You!
Shark, Jirix, Roach Host, O-Chul, Xykon

Shark: ack!
Jirix: Yes!
Roach Host: And the winning bet is, “Alive”! Congratulations!
O-Chul: SMITE EV-
Xykon: Ray of Frost.
Roach Host: Correction: Alive, with negative hit points. The boss wins again!
Xykon: Huh. I think he actually got a few inches closer to me this time…

0543
Shhh! Principal's Coming!
Monster in the Darkness, Tsukiko, Xykon, Roach Host, Roach Co-Host, Redcloak, Roach 1, Roach 2

Monster in the Darkness: Poor Mr. Stiffly! I hoped really, really hard, and he still didn’t escape. I don’t know why it didn’t work.
Tsukiko: Yeah, gee, I don’t know why wanting it wasn’t enough it make it happen.
Monster in the Darkness: Me neither!
Xykon: I don’t know…maybe we can try lava next time? Can you get a lava-breathing shark?
Roach Host: Sure, we know a guy who wholesales ‘em.
Roach Co-Host: Problem is, you can’t see the action through the lava.
Redcloak: What in the name of the Dark One is going on in here?!? AGAIN with the acid??
Roach 1: Aw, man. Busted!
Redcloak: I can’t believe this! I have, “Interrogate paladin,” on my schedule for 2:09 pm, sharp, and look at the condition he’s in. Cure Minor Wounds. This is going to completely screw up today’s Action List. I may have to burn a Heal spell just to get him healthy in time for his usual torture regimen. I’ll probably have to skip the thumbscrews entirely.
Monster in the Darkness: Your screws have thumbs on them? Neat! I wonder if they can screw themselves…
Redcloak: For that matter, don’t any of YOU have duties to attend? Jirix, did you finish putting the new cover sheets on the TPS reports?
Roach 1: Didn’t you get the memo?
Jirix: Uh, no, Supreme Leader… I was… uh…
Xykon: OK, pipe down, Mr. Green Genes. I told him to blow off work and hang with the cool kids for the afternoon.
Redcloak: Very well, sir, I guess I’ll ask YOU then why you’re risking a valuable asset on silly games. You know as well as I do that the paladin is pretty much our only information source on how the next gate might be guarded, since we still haven’t found any records in the ruins of the castle.
Xykon: So? If we kill him by accident, you can just bring him back to life.
Redcloak: No, I can’t! His soul needs to consent to being raised-and something tells me that if you accidently kill him with your ridiculous deathtrap, he probably won’t agree to come back.
Roach 1: He might do it… for what’s behind Door #3!
Roach 2: This campaign has gotten too Monty Hall.
Redcloak: All I’m asking is that we TRY to not get him killed yet.
Xykon: Hey, keeping someone alive is cleric’s work. You figure it out. Me, I’m bored! For whatever reason, I can only devote 8 hours a day to making magical items, even though I’m awake 24/7. I’ve got to fill in the rest of the time with something-and there’s only so much enjoyment one can get out of making untrained slaves fight each other.
Jirix: Yeah, most of the time, they just slip and impale themselves on their weapons.
Xykon: No, that was the enjoyment I was talking about. Friggin’ hilarious. This paladin, he’s the best entertainment we’ve got. He’s like the Energizer bunny, a Rollex watch, and Jackie Chan mixed together. I’ve watched him break bones even *I* didn’t know humans had-and I’m a skeleton!
Redcloak: Sir, you know that no one loves seeing a paladin get what’s coming to them more than I do, but we need to keep our eyes on the prize. We can’t rush off to the western Continent without knowing SOMETHING about how Girard’s Gate is defended. We’ve put too much into this plan to screw it up now.
Tsukiko: “Gate”? What gate?
Monster in the Darkness: Hey, that’s my line!
Xykon: Fine, if it’ll get your starched tighty-whiteys out of the twist they’re in, we won’t drop him in the acid tank with the shark again. It was getting kind of predictable anyway, which wreaks havoc with the odds.
Redcloak: I’m sorry, sir, that’s not good enough. You said the same thing after I asked you to stop locking him in the cage with two dozen rabid dire wallabies.
Xykon: Oh yeah, that was great. Those little suckers can fight, heh heh.
Redcloak: And again when I found out about the Basilisk Staring Contest.
Xykon: Technically, the paladin won that one.
Jirix: He never blinked.
Xykon: Fine, I promise that we won’t put the paladin in any type of enclosure with any animal, magical beast, or aberration, as part of an attempt to entertain ourselves.
Redcloak: Really?
Xykon: I swear. Cross my ribs and hope to live.
Redcloak: Alright then. Thank you. I have to get him cleaned up and healed before his torture, so I’ll probably be late for tonight’s status meeting.
Jirix: Yes, sir. I’ll try to use the extra time to get some good out-of-the-box ideas ready.
Monster in the Darkness: Did he say “out-of-the-box ideas”?
Xykon: Stay in the box.
Monster in the Darkness: Darn it.
Redcloak: I tell you, nobody around here respects my schedule. Do they think crushing an entire civilization beneath our heels “just happens”? It’s all fun and games for them, but I’m the one who has to make the magical lightning-powered trains run on time.
Roach 1: Yeah, the dinosaurs hate it when they’re late.
Xykon: … How long would it take you to whip up an undead warrior good enough for some “mano-a-mano” gladiatorial action with the prisoner?
Tsukiko: Sword and shield, or trident and net?
Xykon: Surprise me.

0544
A Lot at Stake
Redcloak, O-Chul

Redcloak: Good morning, this is your requested wake-up call. The time is now half-past Reasonable.
O-Chul: Unnh!
Redcloak: Maybe we can TRY to make a little progress today?
O-Chul: Blindfold? Water? Is it Thursday already?
Redcloak: No, my colleagues have prompted me to take a little break from our routine.
O-Chul: Wait-is that the wind I feel?
Redcloak: It is. We’re on a little “field trip”.
O-Chul: By the Twelve Gods!
Redcloak: No… But I have it on good authority that they DID have a hand in it. Or should I say a paw?
O-Chul: The rift… It has grown so large…
Redcloak: Your crazy friend gave it a jumpstart when she shattered Soon’s Gate, and it’s been unraveling like a wereporcupine’s cheap holiday sweater even since. But good news: The rate of growth has slowed considerably. By my math, we’re looking at another hundred feet before it stops. Probably.
O-Chul: You mad fool! If your kind were not tampering with things beyond your ken-
Redcloak: “My ken”? Compared to you, my “ken” is living in a Malibu dream house. I know exactly what I’m doing, and what’s at stake. We all have our gambles. Just ‘cause I’m willing to bet on the longshot doesn’t mean I don’t know the odds. I’m well aware that there’s a high chance that what we’re doing may result in a doomsday for us all. But I pushed my chips into the middle of the table long ago, so I might as well play my hand to the end. Overused gambling metaphors aside, I would point out that every time some lunatic destroys a gate rather than let it fall into our hands, that chance increases significantly. It’s you good guys who keep setting the Armageddon Clock ahead to Daylight Savings Time, not us.
O-Chul: What would you have us do, villain? Roll over and let your kind conquer us?
Redcloak: Well, it would be a lot safer, in the long run.
O-Chul: Safe? It would be naught but the safety of the grave.
Redcloak: Yes! Exactly! Wow, it is so refreshing for us to finally all be on the same page here!

0545
Someone Should be Wearing Safety Goggles
O-Chul, Redcloak

O-Chul: Go to Hell, goblin.
Redcloak: Hmmmm. Unlikely. If the Snarl escapes its prison uncontrolled, it won’t merely kill us. It will unmake us, dissolving our existence. There will be no Afterlife for us, punitive or otherwise, just nothingness. What I find really fascinating is that all of the accounts I’ve heard of the rifts from before the five Gates were ever built describe the Snarl reaching out and consuming those nearby. Yet it hasn’t stepped one tangled foot outside that rift in, what, four months? I wonder if the remaining Gates somehow prevent it from noticing the unsealed rifts now? Lucky for you, I’m not one of those clerics who relies solely on faith. I believe in the scientific method. That’s why I’m going to have one of those two groups of human slaves hurled off the left side of the tower, into the open rift. Mind you, I don’t expect any of tehm to come back, but I figure if I send eight in at once, one of them might scream some relevant empirical data before they are undone by the Snarl. The second group is the control. We’ll push them off the other side. Of course, if I were to suddenly learn how Girard’s Gate was protected, I wouldn’t have time to indulge my experimental curiosity, would I? I’d need to get ready to leave this city right away.
O-Chul: And I suppose in this fantasy of yours, you would let me go?
Redcloak: Do I look like I’m running a catch-and-release program? No, you’ll be killed as soon as I have what I need from you. But then I-and Xykon, and our most powerful allies-would depart, leaving your precious city to be held only by common hobgoblins. And we would have little reason to return… should your people manage to reclaim control. It is the best, most realistic chance of Azure City ever knowing freedom.
O-Chul: … Very well. If my sacrifice can lead to the safety of my city, then it would be wrong not to make it freely. After all, even with this information, there is a chance that Lord Hinjo and his allies will thwart you. Girard’s Gate is protected by an elaborate maze, hidden with mighty illusions and sealed from all forms of magical intrusion. Only by answering the riddles within can one reach the center, but the answers are encoded in that diary that Xykon carries with him.
Redcloak: … I can’t believe it. Wow. Just… After all this time… I have finally found the very WORST liar in the entire world.
O-Chul: I was a fighter for 12 years before I was recruited as a paladin! Charisma seemed like a safe dump stat at the time!
Redcloak: Next time, spring for cross-class skill ranks. THROW IN THE FIRST GROUP!

Lira

2008-11-10, 07:52 PM

Here's 565 to 570.
0565
The Test of the Memory
Roy, Roy's Archon, Eugene, Haley, Celia, Belkar, Red Guy, Green Guy

Roy: So, does my gnome automatically disbelieve his own illusions?
Roy's Archon: I'm not sure... Yeah, OK.
Roy: OK, then I peek through the keyhole and cast an illusion of a door directly on the other side of the actual door. Then, I open the real door, quiety as I can. Since I don't believe the illusion of the door I just cast, I should be able to see into the room freely- -while whatever monster is in the room sees a door.
Roy's Archon: Nice plan... Except as you open the door, you see that this paticular door has a hook on the other side, from which a wineskin hangs. Since you didn't take that into account in your illusion, the ogre in the room is now eyeing your illusory door suspiciously, wondering where his mead just went.
Roy: Ah, crap. OK, I reach into my pack and pull out my-
Eugene: What in the Blue Box blazes is going on here?!?
Roy: My gnome illusionist is about to try and escape from an ogre, not that it's any of your business.
Eugene: Gnome illusionist, eh? Awww, it's so cute that deep down, you still want to be just like dear old Dad.
Roy: Yeah, short, wrinkled, and superfluous. Oh! You meant the illusions.
Eugene: Well stick a pin in your busman's holiday, Son. The redhead is headed to the Oracle.
Roy: So what? I mean, good for her, there's nothing I can do about it. Unless... Maybe the Oracle can see me when I'm down there as a ghost. I wonder if she's gotten to the Oracle's tower yet.
Roy's Archon: I guess we'll pick this up next session.
Celia: Wow, tha butterscotch pudding golen was REALLY tough! So what is the Test of the Mind going to be like?
Haley: I'm not sure. For some reason, I can't really remember what exactly hap-
Belkar: Watch the cart, Mr. Scruffy.
Red Guy: Left path! Left path!
Green guy: We do want as much trouble as possible!
Celia: Huh, I wonder what that was all about...
Haley: Beats me.
Green Guy: I totally could've kicked her ass if I'd wanted to, you know.
Red Guy: You're an idiot.
Green Guy: You're not.

0566
One for the FAQ
Roy, Oracle, Celia, Belkar

Roy: Hey! Oracle! Can you hear me? Helloooooo? ... Are you not ABLE to hear me, or are you just ignoring me? Yo mama's so fat, they use a grapefruit for her miniature. Yo mama's so fat, she can't even see her feats. Yo mama's so fat, her Speed is listed as, “Hell no!” ... Crap, he can't hear me.
Oracle: Hey, look, return customers. Aren't I lucky? No. No, I am not.
Celia: Wait, the Oracle is a kobold? I thought you guys said he was a halfling.
Belkar: He WAS a halfling!
Oracle: Yeah, yeah, there's a memory charm on the entire valley that makes you forget everything except your specific questions and answers, and your mind fills in the missing details later, blah blah blah. But since everyone else can just look back through the archives, why don't we cut the recap and get on with it?
Haley: Our leader, Roy, is dead.
Oracle: As the metaphorical doornail.
Haley: His body is in a cart outside. We want you to raise him from the dead. Just tell me how much it'll cost, and we'll go earn the gold.
Oracle: Oh, I see. Yeah, this sort of mix up happens all the time. I'm not a cleric.
Haley: You're not?
Oracle: I'm what you would call, “naturally gifted.” The Dragon Queen has blessed me with visions of the future without requiring me to earn a bunch of cleric class levels first. It's sort of like getting an honorary Ph.D.
Roy: Sounds more like your mom making you vice president of the family company right after you finish college.
Celia: How exactly do your future visions work, then?
Oracle: Pixie dust.
Celia: Actually, I'm pretty familiar with pixies, and I don't think-
Oracle: Kobold dust.
Celia: Oh.
Oracle: So yeah, I have as much chance of bringing back your leader as I do of scoring with Grendel's hot mom.
Haley: Darn it! I was sure we'd be able to get Roy raised here.
Celia: Well, hold on. We can still ask him questions, can't we?
Haley: Oh, right! Like, “How can we contact Durkon?”
Celia: Or, “Where is the nearest Good-aligned cleric who can ressurect Roy?”
Belkar: Or, “What strip clubs won't kick you out if your hands 'slip' during a lap dance?” What? I can't help you save the world if some bouncer breaks both my arms, can I? I'm thinking of the team first here!
0567
The Simplest Explanation
Oracle, Haley, Belkar, Celia, Roy

Oracle: OK, so let me just get in my oracular trance thingie...
Haley: Great! We have just enough for three questions.
Belkar: Nah, you know what? Don't bother, Haley. Save your money. This guy's answers aren't worth a copper piece.
Oracle: Excuse me? I'll have you know my answers come with a money-back guarentee.
Belkar: Yeah? Then get the assistant manager out here, I want a refund.
Oracle: And I want to play center for the Toronto Raptors, but we're both out of luck, Cueball. Your prophecy has already been fulfilled.
Beklar: What?! That's ridiculous! I didn't get to kill ANT of those people.
Celia: What, Belkar, what did you ask?
Belkar: I asked whether I would kill Roy, Miko, Miko's horse, Vaarsuvius, or the oracle. And all he said was, “yes”. It was completely useless, and definitely hasn't come true yet.
Oracle: On the contrary, my dimwitted friend. You caused the death of Roy.
Celia: What?!
Oracle: It's true.
Haley: Uh, no. Xykon killed Roy. I saw it myself.
Roy: Yeah, I know the difference between a dagger and a rock when it goes through my skull!
Oracle: No, it was the fall from the zombie dragon that killed him. And Belkar gave Roy his Ring of Jumping +20, which allowed him to leap onto the back of the dragon in the first place. He caused that fall to be possible; without the ring, Roy would've faced Xykon on solid ground.
Belkar: So you're saying that Roy wouldn't have died if he had fought Xykon on the ground?
Oracle: What? No, don't be dense. If Roy had found a way to duel Xykon on the ground, he probably would've died anyway. Dude is frickin' scary. But at least then, there wouldn't have been a direct link between your little side wager with the thief and your leader's demise.
Roy: Wager? You BET on my life??
Celia: I'm sorry, but that's a stretch. Giving someone a ring is not the same as killing them!
Oracle: Objection overruled, Counselor. Never said he “killed” Roy, just that he “caused the death” of him. Which is what the idiot technically asked me that day. And like any effect, that splat had many causes, such as gravity, the geological composition of the Southern Lands, a butterfly flapping its tiny wings somewhere, and an alarming deficit of jetpacks. And, I might add, your own lack of information about your boytoy's physical capabilities. Well, beyond those capabilities that were necessary for him to throw you down on the-
Celia: HEY!
Roy: HEY!
Belkar: That's the worst thing I've ever heard!
Oracle: I know, you mammals are disgusting when you mate.
Belkar: No, I mean saying that I caused Roy's death. That doesn't count.
Oracle: OK, OK, fine. How about this one then: You also caused the death of the paladin, Miko Miyazaki.
Haley: Miko's dead?
Roy: Huh.
Belkar: And so, the lives of the reasonable and pragmatic were once again safe. But what does that have to do with me?
Oracle: Everything, really. She became convinced that the Order of the Stick was evil largely because they rallied to defend YOU in Lord Shojo's throne room. This led her to conclude that you were working with Xykon, which in turn led her to believe that Shojo was working with Xykon. This directly led her to killing Shojo, being imprisoned and dying when the castle exploded.
Belkar: That's even dumber than the first one!!
Haley: Yeah, I mean, not that I wanted Belkar to kill anyone, but those are both pretty lame interpretations.
Oracle: You caused the death of her horse, too. If we choose to define “death” as our spirit being trapped in the Afterlife, then when you-
Belkar: You weasely little piece of dragon crap, that's not what I meant and you KNOW it!!
Oracle: And as for the elf-
Belkar: Just shut up!! Wait, you know what? Never mind. He's convinced me, my prophecy HAS come true.
Haley: Are you sure? Because I think you have a pretty strong case for that refund.
Belkar: Oh, I'm positive.
Oracle: Yeah... I wasn't really buying those theories either... Worth a shot tho...

0568
A Sign That You Have a Problem
Haley, Belkar, Celia

Haley: BELKAR!!
Belkar: What? He totally had it coming. Now hold his feet, I want to turn his head into a litter box for Mr. Scruffy.
Haley: I cannot believe you! I just cannot BELIEVE you!
Belkar: Really? Because the whole kobold-head-into-an-object thing is sort of a running gag with me.
Haley: You killed the Oracle!
Belkar: Yeah, so? He was a kobold! You told me it was OK to kill monsters!
Haley: We were gonna get answers! Answers that may have led to getting Roy back!
Belkar: Answers that would have been obscure and useless!
Haley: The one he gave me wasn't! He told me not to look the gift horse in the mouth, which I did when I accepted Nale's invitation to dinner without examing my suspicions too closely. That directly lead to me getting my voice back!
Belkar: Yeah, but who really cares about your inner turmoil crap anyway? People tune in to watch me stab things.
Haley: I swear, I'm going to-
Belkar: Oh, don't get your thong in a twist, Haley. Come on, we can search for treasure. All that meaty character development hasn't made you stop loving treasure, has it?
Haley: Fine. But only because we still need money to get Roy raised. Don't think you're off the hook for this yet.
Belkar: Yeah, yeah.
Celia: Actually, I don't think he's off the hook at all. Take a look out the back window.
Belkar: I don't get it. What does that- -mean? AAAAHHHHH!

0569
Justice Can Be A Messy Business
Illusion of Lord Shojo, Roy, Belkar, Haley, Celia

Illusion of Lord Shojo: Hello. This is the giant illusory head of Lord Shojo speaking.
Belkar: Nnnnnh!!!!
Illusion of Lord Shojo: If you're seeing this implanted message, you have violated the terms of your Greater Mark of Justice- -because you inflicted lethal damage within the bounds on a city, town, or village, strayed more than one mile from Roy, or cheesed Roy off enough for him to say the magic command word.
Roy: Well, I guess I can finally stop worrying about accidentally saying the word “squiddley-doodlefluffer” in casual conversation.
Illusion of Lord Shojo: The designated curse will now take into effect. Sucks to be you, I guess.
Bekar: Ugh... That scaly oracular bastard set me up! Being a litter box is too good for his head! Actually, you know... that pain was pretty bad, but this isn't too horrible. Just sort of a low-grade headache. I can't believe I was so worried about the- *BLERRRGH* Ugh... OK, that was disgusting, but still, not really all that- *BLUUUURPGCH!* *HnhFLERRRGH!* *hurrAGG!* ... *huuurrrAAAGG!* OK...OK, that has to be all that's in my stomach, so the worst of it is over.
Haley: See?!? This is what you get for killing someone who-
Belkar: *BLURRRRG!*
Haley: Hey!
Celia: And that's what you get for not reigning him in earlier. If you had properly punished him when he killed that poor gnome-
Belkar: *hunh* *hunh* *hunh* *hunh* *HNORRRRRRF!*
Celia: Aaah!! Oh gods, my mouth was open!! Oh gods! I'm gonna be sick!
Haley: How about we put a moratorium on, “I told you so's,” if only for our own protection?
Belkar: Unnnh....
Roy: I've never been so happy to be incorporeal.

0570
Clean Slate
Belkar, Celia, Haley

Belkar: Wait, Haley, where are you going? There's still treasure in the tower!
Haley: Booby-trapped Oracle treasure? No thanks.
Celia: I count ourselves lucky that he didn't rig the washroom to explode. And that Haley carries a lot of clothes that she doesn't wear.
Haley: We're leaving. Probably to Cliffport like we planned.
Belkar: Well wait up, I need to ride in the cart. I can barely stand.
Haley: Sorry. The cart is full.
Belkar: Huh? There's as much room as there was when we got here.
Haley: The cart. Is. Full. You're not coming with us, Belkar. Stay here, or go somewhere else, I don't care. I already told you I was only keeping you around because you were useful, and your usefullness is now as lost as your lunch.
Belkar: What, because I'm puking? Puh-lease. I bet a cleric can fix this without breaking a sweat.
Haley: No, not because you're puking, Belkar, because you killed someone we needed! Even if you stopped vomiting right no, it wouldn't change the fact that I can't count on you! You've been on the fence between asset and liability for a while, and you just dove headfirst down the liability side. Since I don't think you're in any shape to force me to take you, this is where we part company. You're out. As official acting leader of the Order of the Stick, I hereby revoke your membership. I only wish we had ID cards so I could tear yours up.
Celia: Well, it's about time that you-
Haley: Celia, it would really behoove you to shut the hell up right now.
Celia: ... Yeah, OK.
Belkar: No, wait, listen! I just need a ride into Greysky City! It's on the way!
Haley: No.
Belkar: Come on! Just a ride, you owe me that much!
Haley: I don't owe you anything, Belkar.
Belkar: Haley? Haley, you can't-
Haley: Huh.
Celia: What just happened?
Haley: I don't know.
Celia: How did we get turned around?
Haley: Or change clothes?
Belkar: ...Guys, I do not feel good for some reason...
Haley: Well, Roy's still dead... and I don't remember any questions being answered.
Celia: Maybe she wasn't home? ...So we showered?
Haley: Yeah. I guess that makes sense. Sort of.
Belkar: *BLAARGF*
Celia: Oh, Belkar! Gross.
Belkar: I really don't feel good...
Haley: Come on, then, get in the cart. It's a long trip to Cliffport, you'll just slow us down walking on foot.
Belkar: Ohhhhh, and my head hurts too...
Haley: Yeah, OK, we get it, you're sick. Quit your whining. What a wuss. Could you imagine how much he'd complain if he ever activated his Mark of Justice?
Celia: Ha! He'd probably cry.If anyone spots any mistakes, please point them out and I'll be happy to fix them.

Flame of Anor

2008-11-11, 12:45 AM

Please reconsider--the quiz threads will never be the same again. :smallfrown:

Lokasenna

2008-11-16, 07:36 PM

Here's 546-550. Sorry it took so long.

0546
O-Chul's Razor
O-Chul, Redcloak, Psion, Jirix, Hobgoblin

O-Chul: NO! Wait!
Redcloak: You’re going to have to come up with a better story than “riddles”. Girard was capable of some of the most powerful illusions ever devised. I want to know details: types of illusions and how we can defeat them.
O-Chul: I have told you many times. I do not know. Soon swore an oath not to-
Redcloak: Yes, yes, this is where you discuss Soon and his oath not to interfere in the defense of the other Gates. A lovely tale. And in all our time together, every Mind Probe, every Zone of Truth, every divination of any sort corroborates that you are telling the truth.
Psion: Nope, nothing.
Redcloak: Damn it! Do you know how long it took me to even figure out if we were USING psionics in this world??
Jirix: That leaves us a bushel of fortune cookies, an 18-th level Incarnum user, and a magic 8-ball that we haven’t tried.
Redcloak: *sigh* OK, bring up the cookies and keep the 8-ball on standby.
Redcloak: But which is most believable: that a powerful order of paladins-directly empowered by your gods to defend the very fabric of the universe-would deliberately ignore the status of 4 out of the 5 locations that could threaten it? Or that you simply have some obscure feat or class ability capable of fooling divination magic? The latter requires only a source book that I haven’t read…while the former implies that generations of human paladins have willingly sabotaged their own ability to perform their duties for a silly promise. DO you honestly expect me to believe such a ridiculous story??
Hobgoblin: Supreme Leader, I have that lampshade you requested.
Redcloak: Just hang it anywhere. Where was I? Oh, right. I find it FAR more probably that you are somehow resisting my magic. This “Soon’s Oath” story is just that-a cover story designed by your leaders. The information is there, somewhere. I just need to find a way to push past your conscious mind to access it. And since magic cannot break you, I’ve been forced to rely on the more traditional torture methods. Which I honestly haven’t expected to be too productive, what with a paladin’s immunity to fear. Unfortunately, I wrote it on my schedule in ink, so here we are. You’re Lawful, I’m sure you understand.
O-Chul: Wait. You are insisting that I am holding out on you, based solely on what you consider the most likely scenario?
Redcloak: Naturally. Logic dictates that the simplest solution is the most probably.
O-Chul: And you find the idea that I have some sort of secret knowledge implanted in my brain by the elders of the Sapphire Guard that has been so deeply suppressed that no magical effect can unearth it to be SIMPLER… than the idea that I just don’t know anything?
Redcloak: … I like the way I phrased it better.
O-Chul: No doubt.
Redcloak: THROW IN THE FIRST GROUP!

0547
Endurance Feat
O-Chul, Redcloak, Hobgoblin, Prisoners

O-Chul: WAIT!
Redcloak: Then tell me what I want to know! How is Girard’s Gate protected??
O-Chul: I don’t know!
Redcloak: It gives me no pleasure to end those men up there- not the least because of how hackneyed a trope it is. I mean, threatening innocents to get the Good Guy to cave? I might as well grow a mustache and twirl the ends while I’m at it. But I assure you, I WILL do it. I’ll just do something wildly original later to make up for it.
O-Chul: I am telling you, I do not know the information you seek! I cannot give you what I simply do not have!
Redcloak: Damn you! You’re a paladin! You can’t just let me do this! It’s literally against the rules!
O-Chul: I am not “letting” you do anything. I cannot tell you what I do not know! If you throw those men to their undoing, then do so and be quick. The act is on your hands, not mine. Were I free, I would kill you now and rescue them, but there is no way my words can save them. I will pray that the Twelve Gods look after their loved ones instead.
Redcloak: How? How can you condemn fourteen of your own people like that? Don’t their lives-their very souls-mean anything to you?
O-Chul: They mean everything. More than you could know. But I must endure their senseless loss nonetheless. For that is the task the Twelve Gods have given me-to endure.
Redcloak: Humans… I’ve come to expect your lack of respect for the lives of MY people, but I am continually amazed at how little you value those of your own. You’re nothing but savages, amoral savages.
O-Chul: …
Hobgoblin: Hey, so… are we throwing people off of the roof, or what?
Redcloak: … No. Let them go. This is a waste of time. They can go back to the slave pits and tell the other humans how merciful we were, and how one of their own paladins was willing to let them die. It’ll be great P.R., don’t you agree?
O-Chul: …
Prisoners: …and the whole time, he never broke. I never seen such stubbornness before! I couldn’t hear what info the goblin was after, but by the look on his face, he didn’t get it. So, some paladins made it through the battle? They must be making that man’s life a living hell. By the Twelve Gods, if he can resist them, so can we! Spread the word to the next cell.

0548
His Most Despicable Act Yet
Jirix, Redcloak, Roach 1, Roach 2, Xykon

Jirix: Welcome back, sir. Did you learn anything, useful?
Redcloak: You mean aside from the fact that uncontrolled fissures in the wall of the universe make my complexion look pasty? No.
Roach 1: I could have told you that.
Redcloak: The paladin doesn’t know anything, I’m finally sure of it. I pushed as hard as I could, but he didn’t have any idea on how to stop me from wiping out his countrymen off the face of the universe. I still can’t wrap my head around how the Sapphire Guard could be so… sloppy… but it seems to be true. Apparently, they reserved their efficiency for killing goblin women and children. Tomorrow, I’ll put the paladin back on the rack. See if I can get him to-
Jirix: You’re still going to torture him? But I thought you said he didn’t know anything.
Redcloak: He doesn’t. The bad news for him is that his lack of knowledge hasn’t been the point for some time.
Roach 1: Who doesn’t like a nice rack?
Roach 2: Eh, that joke was a stretch.
Redcloak: The idea that he may still spill something is all I need. I can use it to convince Xykon to stay here a little bit longer-and give us time to consolidate hobgoblin control of the city and the countryside.
Jirix: We’re ready now, Supreme Leader! We can defend this city when Xykon and you move on!
Redcloak: But can you feed yourselves? We’re working on establishing trade routes with some of the more mercenary nations out there, but until we do, this new goblin state is less reliable than a dwarf’s sobriety.
Jirix: But I don’t get it. We’re lying to Xykon about what the paladin might know?
Redcloak: Among other things, yes. Xykon operates most efficiently on a “need to know” basis. And all he needs to know is that we’re not yet finished here.
Jirix: But isn’t he-
Redcloak: Listen very carefully: Xykon is a valuable ally, but he is NOT a goblin. He isn’t even alive, he’s a magically animated… thing. He does not have our best interests at heart, because he doesn’t HAVE a heart. I should know, I’m the one who cut the slippery little bugger out of him.
Roach 1: Good times, good times.
Jirix: But… aren’t we all on the same side?
Redcloak: That is a complicated question. How many sides are there in this conflict, anyway? Three? Four? More?
Roach 1: I count at least nine.
Roach 2: Shh! They don’t know about some of those yet!
Redcloak: On the side of Evil, as defined by our opposition to those who choose to call themselves Good? Absolutely. But if you think for one round that Xykon gives a withered crap about the goblin race, I have a bridge to sell you to Terabithia. Our alliance with Xykon is one of the most powerful tools we have, and we cannot afford to screw that up. That does NOT mean we should trust him. I know he seems funny and charming, but believe me, when you see for yourself the depths to which he’ll sink-
Xykon: Love it. But can we get more silver spandex on those costumes?
Redcloak: -you will never sleep well again.

0549
Grueling Ordeal
Monster in the Darkness, O-Chul, Kid

Monster in the Darkness: Welcome back, Mr. Stiffly!
O-Chul: Thank you. And I have told you many times, my name is O-Chul.
Monster in the Darkness: Oh, right. I’ll try to remember that, Mr. Stiffly. Hey, did you get any new scars today?
O-Chul: I do not believe so, no.
Monster in the Darkness: Oh well. Better luck next time, right?
O-Chul: I suppose.
Monster in the Darkness: They served dinner while you were gone. Tonight’s meals are-
O-Chul: A big bucket of beef stew for you, and a small bowl of watery gruel for me.
Monster in the Darkness: Yup! So, up for the usual trade?
O-Chul: My gruel for a scoop from your bucket? If you are willing, though I never understand why you would WANT to trade for gruel.
Monster in the Darkness: Well, I like gruel. And you don’t. So if we trade, I get two things I like, and you get one thing you like. That way, everyone ends up happy. I’ll pretty much eat whatever they feed me anyway. Except babies.
O-Chul: Excuse me??
Monster in the Darkness: Oh, I don’t eat babies. Or kids. And that includes veal. It just feels… weird. Don’t get me wrong, Xykon is, like, ALWAYS trying to feed me live children. I think he thinks it’ll make me scarier or something. But mostly, I just push them around my plate for a while and then scrape them in the trash when he’s not looking.
Kid: Hello? Mommy?
Monster in the Darkness: How about you? Anything you won’t eat?
O-Chul: Well I was going to express a dislike of squid, but I guess babies top my list as well.
Monster in the Darkness: Awesome! We should totally start a secret No-Baby-Eating club! And Tsukiko can’t join!
O-Chul: Tsukiko eats babies?!?
Monster in the Darkness: No, silly, she’s a girl. Girls can’t join! Haven’t you ever belonged to a secret club before?
O-Chul: Once. But it allowed girls.
Monster in the Darkness: Really? How did that work out?
O-Chul: Quite well. With one unfortunate exception.

0550
+1 BFF
O-Chul, Monster in the Darkness

O-Chul: Speaking of allegiances, I must ask: You are, by my reckoning, not a bad person. Why do you ally yourself with the lich and the goblin?
Monster in the Darkness: I dunno. ‘Cause they’re my friends.
O-Chul: As a rule of thumb, anyone who keeps you in a box is not your friend.
Monster in the Darkness: Nuh uh, see, they TOLD me that they were my friends. That’s how I know they are.
O-Chul: Deeds, not words, are the basis of friendship. Who, that you know, treats you as a friend?
Monster in the Darkness: Well… Xykon, because he gives me toys to shut me up. And Redcloak, ‘cause he feeds me to shut me up. And Right-Eye, even though I haven’t seen him around in a while. And you, because you’re nice and listen to what I have to say.
O-Chul: Well, I suppose that is a step in the right direction. It is an honor to be your friend… uh…
Monster in the Darkness: Oh, don’t worry about not knowing my name, I don’t know it either. Heck, hardly anyone around here uses their real names anyway.
O-Chul: Then it is an honor to be your friend, Monster-san.
Monster in the Darkness: Cool! Wanna play Monopoly?
O-Chul: You lost all of the money betting on me to escape.
Monster in the Darkness: Oh yeah. Wanna play Scrabble?
O-Chul: You lost all of the “g” and “p” tiles when you tricked the demon roaches into accepting your wager for “2 gp’s”. Which was after you ate all of the “o” tiles because you thought they were tiny chocolate donuts on square wooden plates.
Monster in the Darkness: F.Y.I.? They were not. Then do you wanna play-
O-Chul: My apologies, friend, but I think I would like to sleep. I am very tired, and your other “friends” likely have new and exciting atrocities to commit against me tomorrow. But when I awaken, I will gladly play the game that I taught you where we put the black and white pebbles on the grid.
Monster in the Darkness: Aww, man! That game is hard!
O-Chul: True, but you are learning it quickly. Very quickly.
Monster in the Darkness: Hey, look! It’s starting to rain! Didn’t you tell me that the sound of rain helped you fall asleep?
O-Chul: Yes… even since I was a boy. Truly, this is a tiny blessing from the Twelve Gods… They are telling me that I have… *YAWN!*… done well this day…
Monster in the Darkness: *YAWN!* Sweet dreams, Mr. Stiffly.
O-Chul: I have told you, my name is not- … Sweet dreams, Monster-san.

Lira

2008-11-29, 10:02 PM

571 to 598, and 600 (I included 599 in a previous post):

0571
Return Engagement
Roy, Oracle, Brother (in orange clothes), Brother (in black clothes)

Roy: Goddamn it, this is such a waste. I swear, when I get physical hands back, I am going to take that little runt and- What the-?
Brother (in orange clothes): -port!
Brother (in black clothes): My word, we've arrived not a moment too soon, I see.
Brother (in orange clothes): Quite! Shall we get on with the word at hand, Brother?
Brother (in black clothes): Indeed. Raise Dead!
Oracle: *gasp!*
Roy: Hey! Over here! Pick me!
Oracle: Oh, man! That one stung a bit. I think he dulls his daggers, so they hurt more going in.
Brother (in black clothes): Welcome back, sir.
Oracle: Good to be back, guys. Sorry about the mess, I should have remembered to tell you to wear galoshes...
Brother (in orange clothes): Are we still scheduled to raise you again on March 26, 1187?
Oracle: Yup, 3:10 pm. And be ready for a Resurrection spell next time... it's gonna be this big druid guy who's gonna chew me up into tiny pieces when I tell him him yes, his wide is cheating on him, and the other man is his animal companion. Turns out that giving enhanced intelligence to a critter who is literally hung like a bear doesn't always work out the way you'd expect.
Brother (in black clothes): And with that, we must retire. Good day!
Oracle: Say hello to your boss for me!
Brother (in orange clothes): We shall. Tele-
Roy: Stupid minor NPC can get raised and I can't...
Oracle: Well, looks like I better start getting that Expert level back. XP don't earn itself, my mama always said. -who may have been a bit portly as a result of a glandular condition, but at least she didn't whore up the whole afterlife when she died.
Roy: Hey, my mother- YOU CAN HEAR ME??
Oracle: Yes, so you don't have to yell. Geez.

0572
The Resistance of Memory
Oracle, Roy, Eugene, Roy's Archon

Roy: Why didn't you say something earlier?!? I could have told Haley where to find Durkon!
Oracle: Gosh, I don't know... is it because I don't like you? You dangled me out of a window! Plus your furry-footed friend just made me his temporary magic dagger repository.
Roy: I think I'm going to have to take exception to the word “friend”. More like, “unfortunate responsibility” or “lodestone”.
Oracle: At any rate, your pal isn't long for this world, so I saw no reason not to have my fun where I could. I almost named the village, “Shouldacheckdamap” but I thought it was funnier to work blue.
Roy: Not long for this world? What are you saying?
Oracle: The same thing I said last time you were here, only you forgot. Here, you want it on record? Belkar will draw his last breath-ever-before the end of the year. That's an “in-comic” year, not a real-time year, Oracle fans!
Roy: Huh?
Oracle: Don't worry about it. There, that was on the house, so you can remember it. You'll forget everything else once you pass through the Memory Charm. Now scurry home to your cloud, Casper, before I banish you. I have an important client flying in and I don't want a dead mammal messing it up.
Roy: You're not a cleric, Scaly. You can't banish me if you tried.
Oracle: True, I'm not a cleric... ...but ain't it funny how I always seem to have just the right magic item here in my robe? Dismissal!
Roy: Ah- -crap. I was hoping I might be able to glean some more info by listening to other people's prophecies, since that's the only part I won't... ...forget. The Dismissal must have bypassed the Memory Charm, and the kobold didn't bother to look into the future to make sure! I remember everything! I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!
Eugene: Good, then you can tell me what page it says you don't die until -10 hp.
Roy's Archon: I already told you, in this edition, that's an optional rule that we're not using! You're dead at 0 hp!
Eugene: Well that's a stupid rule and they should change it!
Roy's Archon: They did!

0573
Slumber Party
Haley, Celia, Belkar

Haley: ..so the Boots of Speed were totally powerful, but they were, like, lime green.
Celia: With your skin tone? Pass!
Haley: Exactly! Ha ha ha!
Celia: Ha ha ha!
Haley: Hey, you know, why were we arguing so much before this last week?
Celia: Yeah, I mean, I don't know why we kept snipping at each other, we have so-
Belkar: Unnnnnnhh.....
Celia: Oh, right. Him.
Haley: Well, when we get to Cliffport, if he hasn't managed to shake off the flu that he caught, we can get a Remove Disease.
Celia: Yeah. Although you know, there IS a city right down that cliff...
Haley: Celia, I've told you a dozen times, we're not going into that place.
Celia: But why not?
Haley: Because it's a bad idea.
Celia: Why?
Haley: Because it just is, OK? Trust me. In all likelihood, there won't be any clerics there anyway, at least not any interested in helping Roy. Or Belkar, for that matter. It's a dangerous place where people get killed for having gold in their pockets. Not everywhere on this plane is Happy Fun Sunshine Land, you know. Now try to get some sleep. I went through a lot of trouble to find a secluded spot where we wouldn't be seen.
Celia: *sigh* OK. Good night. Sorry, Haley. He's my boyfriend, not yours. If there's even a chance of finding clerics down there, I need to look for them. You'll get over it when he's alive again.
Belkar: Be very quiet, Mr. Scruffy! If we make any noise, the magical Cart Fairy might not take us on the enchanted trip to Happy Fun Sunshine Land!

0574
A Seller's Market
Celia, NPC

Celia: I don't know what Haley was so worried about... there's hardly even anyone here! Oooo! Excuse me! I can't help but notice that you're dragging a human carcass down the middle of main street.
NPC: ... What's yer point?
Celia: Well, I'm a visitor to your fine city with a problem. My boyfriend died; I have his remains here in the cart. I was just wondering if you could possibly let me know where you were taking...uh...
NPC: M'brother.
Celia: Your brother.
NPC: Takin' 'im ta dat Grubwiggler guy.
Celia: Is that a...cleric...of some kind?
NPC: Dunno. Maybe. But 'e dumps these here flyers all ov'r town. Figured ah'd solve mah problem an' get a little scratch fer m'trouble, know whud ahm sayin'?
Celia: “Scratch?” Perfect! Although it does say “Top dollar.” I just hope he doesn't charge more than we have... If you're headed there now, just lead the way and I'll follow.
NPC: 'Mkay.
Celia: So, how long ago did your brother pass?
NPC: Let's see... Well, ah found 'im trying ta pick tha lock on mah shed around dusk, so... a few hours, ah reckon.
Celia: You- are you the one who stabbed him???
NPC: Yup. That's why ah need ta get tha body ov'r ta Grubwiggler pronto. Mah wife said this won't work at all-
Celia: Oh my gods... (He's so wracked with guilt over what he did in the heat of the moment that he's bringing his brother for resurrection!)
NPC: -but if it does, ah'm thinkin' of bringin' her tomorrow night.

0575
I Think They're in One of the Rulebooks, Right?
Celia, Hieronymus Grubwiggler, Belkar, Giro

Grubwiggler: Hello, hello, hello! I am Hieronymus Grubwiggler! How may I be of service to you, my lovely lady?
Celia: Uh, hi. So, I saw your flyer, and I have my boyfriend's body in the cart, and-
Grugwiggler: Ah, the two of you had a little tiff, did you?
Celia: What? No, I had nothing to do with it.
Grubwiggler: Oh, naturally. No matter, let's take a look.
Belkar: Awww! The fairy saw us! Now we'll never learn the secret of flying from the Happy Sunshine Pixies!
Celia: Belkar?!? What are you doing here?
Grubwiggler: Huh. Well, I'll give you 10gp for the skeleton, 30 for the halfling. And 5 silver for the cat, if it's not declawed.
Celia: What? No! They're not for sale!
Belkar: Not for less than 50 gp and a carafe of piping hot tea!
Celia: Look, the halfling is delirious, ignore him. I'm trying to get the skeleton-uh, my boyfriend, Roy-back up on his feet again.
Grubwiggler: Oh, I see! You're looking to hire me for a commission job. You pay me, I cast the spells, and you walk away with your dead boyfriend behind you, is that it? Well, it's not my usual line of business, but I see no reason not to make an exception for a fine female specimen such as yourself.
Celia: Uh, thanks, I think.
Belkar: Thank you, Froggie Man!
Grubwigger: Just remove all of his clothing and equipment and bring the body up the stairs and inside. My fee will be 20,000 gold pieces.
Celia: Geez, that's a bit steep, but I guess I can't exactly shop around. I wonder if he has a payment plan option? Ugh, this was a lot more fun last time I did it...
Belkar: I'm a centaur.
Grubwiggler: Alright, Miss, now if you'll just five the body to my assistant Giro, we-
Celia: Oh my gods! Look at this place! It's like you got your furnishings from Hate & Barrel! I know this was fishy! You're going to try to turn Roy into some kind of undead monstrosity, aren't you??
Grubwigger: What? No! I swear by all the gods that I have no intent of creating undead!
Celia: Don't lie to me, I'm totally using Sense Motive on you!
Grubwiggler: I promise, no undead. Vile, loathsome things, I would never create or use them.
Celia: ... OK, then. Just... be careful with him.
Grubwiggler: Now you just wait there while Giro and I prepare “Roy” to live again. Looks a bit sparse for a flesh golem...
Giro: We do have some formula mixed for a bone golem, Master.
Grubwiggler: Bone golem it is, then.

0576
Construction Workers
Grubwiggler, Celia, Belkar

Grubwiggler: Excellent! Tonight's storm is right on schedule. Roker shall see one more sunrise.
Celia: Well, this contract is a little archaic, but it seems pretty standard.
Grubwigger: Now we need only wait for lightning to strike the-
Celia: I'm kinda in a hurry.
Grubwiggler: Ah, see? The eleven secret herbs and reagents are already working! The spells have been cast, now we need only wait, and...
Celia: Wait a minute, what exactly is the “product of envivication” and why are there one... two... three pages dealing with it?
Grubwiggler: It's alive! ALIVE!!!
Celia: What the hell did you do to him?? You said no undead!!
Grubwiggler: And indeed, he is not undead-he's a construct, bones animated by an earth elemental spirit bound under my control. Which I guess technically makes my statement of, “It's alive,” innacurate, but I just love saying that. Once you remit my fee, we'll select a PIN code you can use to command the golem.
Celia: I'm not paying you, you monster! Look what you did to my boyfriend!! Plus, I didn't sign anything and I never actually agreed to your verbal contract.
Grubwiggler: Well, in that case, allow me to show you a portfolio of my previous work in the field of golems. Restrain the sylph!
Celia: AAAHHH!
Belkar: Look, Mr. Scruffy, Herman Munster is trying to hurt the Cart Fairy! We better get over there and- *BLUURRRGGH!* *hnnFLUUURGH!* *hnnFLUUURGH!*
Grubwigger: ... I'm adding my janitorial bill to what you owe me for the golem.
Belkar: *BLFRRRG!*
Celia: I'm sorry, I can't hear you due to the overwhelming emotional damages that I'm sure any jury will recognize.

0577
You Can Take the Rogue Out of the City...
Grubwiggler, Celia, Golem, Haley, Giro

Celia: Look, I'm sure we can come to an equitable agreement.
Grubwiggler: Perhaps. Would you be interested in barter?
Celia: At this point? Absolutely! What do you want to trade?
Grubwiggler: Well, I'm always in the market for raw materials... you have no idea how wasteful making golems can be. I mean, sure, I try my best to practice sustainable wizardry, but it takes six bodies to make a single golem! So I'll make you a deal: I'll void your debt to me in return for that lovely body of yours.
Celia: What? Are you nuts?? What do I care about a debt if I'm dead?!?
Grubwiggler: Well, your heirs won't have to pay it. Golem, squeeze her until she has made good on her bill, one way or the-
Haley: SAP SNEAK ATTACK!
Celia: Haley! Help! Unnnh!
Haley: Hold on, I'm looking for my alchemist's fire.
Celia: hurry!
Haley: I should really get one of those handy haversacks. Found it!
Golem: Raaarrrgh!
Giro: Stop right-
Celia: <whispers> Haley, I don't think you took down the golem... more like just slowed it down a little.
Haley: <whispers> Hey, you're the one who's against killing, here. It's what adventuring professionals call “a bluff”, so just keep standing in his line of sight.
Giro: OK, OK! Don't hurt me, please!
Haley: Smart man...toad-...whatever. On the floor and don't move.
Giro: I'm not even a real hunchback! I stuffed my hump to get this job!
Haley: Darn it, the door must have locked behind me. No time to pick it before Grubby wakes up, we're going out the front.
Celia: Door? How did you get in here, anyway?
Haley: There's a secret passage from the sewers, up through the dungeon. I woke up when the rain-
Celia: Wait, how the heck did you know there was a secret passage in this castle?
Haley: Hmmm? Oh, I've robbed this castle twice before.
Celia: Twice??
Haley: I grew up in this town.
Celia: Oh. And what's in the giant sack?
Haley: Like I said, “Third time's the charm.”

0578
A Slick Getaway
Giro, Haley, Celia, Belkar

Giro: Golems! Kill those two women and the halfling!
Haley: See? SEE? THIS is why we kill the bad guys when we get the chance!
Celia: Don't worry, Haley. Now that my hands are free, I can blast them all. They're not really alive, so it's OK to-
Haley: What? No, Celia, wait, electricity- -heals flesh golems.
Celia: Wait, is that one actually moving FASTER than it was a moment ago?
Haley: They're immune to almost all magic AND sneak attacks. Geez, don't they teach you anything?
Celia: No, Haley, the weak points of monsters that have been stitched together from the flesh of the dead are not part of the standard law school curriculum.
Haley: Well gosh, that's a pretty good argument for listening to me when I tell you something, wouldn't you-
Celia: Sorry, Haley, can't listen right now, I need to get something. Hello? It's me, Celia. Are you in there? ... Can you hear me? AAAHHH! OK, so that's “Yes,” on the second question, “No,” on the first.
Haley: What the heck is she trying to do? I swear, I have no idea what goes through her-
Belkar: Look! A giant girl leprechaun! Let's find the end of the rainbow, Mr. Scruffy! I bet they have Skittles(R)!
Haley: Ooof!! Belkar, I can't see where we're- Crap. Belkar, get off me!
Belkar: Hello, magic scarecrows! You sure are getting closer, aren't you?
Haley: Celia! Celia, open the door! CELIA! Open the door!
Celia: But I need to find a way-
Haley: Forget it! I need that door open or we- Belkar! Off!-or we're gonna be golem chow!
Celia: But-
Belkar: Wheeeee!
Haley: CELIA!!!
Celia: OK, OK, you're the leader.
Belkar: I can fly!
Haley: Turn around donkey! No, no, the other way!
Giro: No! Golems! Stop! I can't afford to have my pay docked for any more of you!
Haley: OK, now, giddyup! Go! Go! Go!
Belkar: Goodbye, Happy Fun Sunshine Land! Thanks for everything! I'll miss you most of all, scarecrows!
Celia: Haley, I... I am so sorry for sneaking off and going into-
Haley: Celia, don't worry about it. I've certainly snuck away from the rest of the part once or twice. I mean, no real harm done, and we earned enough gold to pay for Roy here to be- Celia... Why isn't Roy in the cart?
Belkar: Now I'm a unicorn!

0579
What they need is a Writ of Habeas Corpus
Celia, Haley, Belkar, Bozzok

Haley: YOU LOST ROY'S BODY?!?
Celia: No! I know exactly where it is!
Haley: Why didn't you tell me about the golem when we were inside??
Celia: Because you told me to forget it and come help you! You seemed like you knew what was going on!
Belkar: Hey, I think my head is starting to clear...
Haley: How was I supposed to know what had happened to Roy, Celia?
Celia: I don't know, you're always telling me that you know more than I do about this stuff, I figured you could just tell by looking or something. You're always expecting ME to know things I would have no way of learning...
Haley: Darn it, Celia, the ONE TIME you actually listen to me... How can you be so smart and still be such an...an AIRHEAD!
Celia: HEY! There's no need for racial slurs!
Haley: What were you possibly thinking, bringing Roy's body to Grubwiggler?
Celia: I was thinking we could get this whole thing finished quicker, so Roy would be OK and I could get back to school, where I actually understand what's going on.
Belkar: What IS going on?
Haley: Well, you were right, we're finished. We can't raise Roy without his body, not without a 17th-level cleric and a heaping cartload of diamonds. And I'm not even sure there ARE any 17th-level clerics in the world!
Belkar: Oooo! I bet Redcloak is 17th level!
Haley: Not helping! OK, OK, just let me think... Grubby always keeps the windows and doors sealed with words. The secret passage was clear-but the hunchback saw me try the door to that, so that'll be sealed by now, too. The front door is wide open, but there about a dozen flesh golems which the three of us have no change to beat. At least, no alone. If we could get a little more power... OK, here's the plan: We keep heading towards Cliffport. We trade in the donkey and cart for a fast horse, and we can be there in a few days. Once there, we use the money I just swiped to hire mercenaries to help us raid the castle, grab the corpse, and escape.
Celia: What about Belkar? He still can't travel more than a mile from Roy's body.
Haley: Darn it! I forgot about that. I guess we need to abandon him for now. We can pick him up when we return.
Celia: I'm not leaving him behind.
Haley: ... What?
Celia: We can use him as an alarm. If Grubwiggler sell's Roy's golem to a customer, Belkar's Mark of Justice will activate when they try to leave the area and then we might be able to catch them.
Haley: Oh! Oh, man... you had me there for a second! I thought you actually-
Celia: -card about Belkar at all? Eww, good gods, no.
Belkar: Yeah, that would have just been weird...
Haley: Either way, we need to get off the streets, now that the rain has stopped.
Celia: Haley, if you grew up here, shouldn't there be some people you know here that could help up?
Haley: You don't understand... The fact that there are some people I know here is the reason we need to get off the streets,
Bozzok: Mr. Grubwiggler! Good to see you. How may we be of service this fine evening?

0580
Hey, I Need to Sell Them Somehow
Grubwiggler, Bozzok, Crystal, Hank

Grubwiggler: This is outrageous!
Bozzok: Now, now, Mr. Grubwiggler, calm down.
Crystal: Yeah, take a chill pill, Froggy-Man. No one yells at the boss like that and gets to keep both lungs.
Grubwiggler: Bozzok, I pay your Thieve's Guild a ludicrous sum each month for your “protection” from theft, and yet I was robbed just an hour ago.
Bozzok: What was stolen?
Grubwiggler: 50,000 gp and some magic items. And a sylph whose body was mine.
Crystal: She must have been one ugly sylph.
Bozzok: Hank, are we liable for this?
Hank: He does have our Five-Star Protection contract, Boss. That includes lost item recovery.
Bozzok: Damn. OK, we'll get right on this, Mr. Grubwiggler. We'll get your stuff back pronto, and I personally guarantee that Crystal here will have her dagger buried in the thief's throat by, say, next Monday.
Grubwiggler: Well, that's hardly reassuring, considering that it was one of YOUR thieves that did this!
Crystal: HEY! Our thieves are only allowed to steal from the people that our thieves are allowed to steal from!
Bozzok: My employee's circular logic not withstanding, she is correct. We do NOT steal from clients under our protection. Bad for business.
Hank: Plus, WAY too much paperwork.
Grubwiggler: I have evidence to the contrary. My assistant recognized the burglar-the same thief who robbed us twice before, about two years ago. Don't you remember? That's how you... persuaded me... to accept your guild's protection in the first place.
Bozzok: That's not possible, those robberies were done by- Wait. This thief, was she human, mid-20's, fair skin? With a longbow? One strand of red hair out of her ponytail no matter which direction she's facing?
Grubwiggler: Yes, that's her!
Crystal: No way!
Bozzok: Thank you very much, we'll get back to you.
Grubwiggler: But what about-
Bozzok: Thank you, come again! Starshine is back in town.
Hank: Huh. I really thought that girl had a better Wisdom score than that.
Crystal: Do I get to kill her this time? Do I? Do I? Do I, please? Pretty please?
Bozzok: I was willing to not press the issue of her untimely resignation from our organization as long as she maintained her self-imposed exile from our dim city... ...but if she's going to have the gall to come back here and commit thefts on my turf? And leave witnesses that can identify her? Yeah, Crystal. You get to kill her this time. How what that? Did I cover everything from our first appearance?
Hank: Let's see... you threatened to kill her if she left the guild...she left anyway to become an adventurer...yeah, I think you hit the highlights. Though you did leave out what I consider to be some important context...
Crystal: Eww! Why would anyone want to watch Starshine take a bath?
Hank: ...Important sexy context.
Continued in next post.

Lira

2008-11-29, 10:04 PM

0581
A Sight for Sore Eyes
Crystal, Haley, Celia, Jenny, Belkar, Old Blind Pete, Elan, Therkla

Crystal: I get to kill Haaaaaley! I get to kill Haaaaaley!
Haley: Crap! That's her, that's Crystal.
Celia: THAT'S the assassin you're so afraid of?
Haley: She may be as dumb as a used tanglefoot bag and have a terrible fashion sense, but she's pretty deadly with that funky sword.
Celia: But you've been adventuring ever since you left this city, you must have gained a few levels on her by now.
Haley: Celia, she's a persona rival. She's ALWAYS gonna be the same level as I am when we meet, if not higher.
Crystal: Sweet! Starshine gained another level!
Jenny: Damn it! I really need to pick a fight with a PC one of these days...
Haley: Besides, it's not just her... Bozzok has the whole guild out looking for me. Although on the plus side, I guess that Cloister effect you told me about will keep his Arcane Trickster from scrying for me. Come on, I have an idea where we can hide.
Celia: What about the donkey and cart?
Haley: Leave 'em. I already stashed Roy's stuff in my Bag of Holding, and they didn't belong to us anyway.
Belkar: Awww, man! I got yelled at for that cart! Now where am I going to ride?
Old Blind Pete: Who is it?
Haley: Old Blind Pete? It's me-
Old Blind Pete: No, Old Blind Pete it's ME. Who are YOU?
Haley: It's me, Haley. Haley Starshine.
Old Blind Pete: ...Ian and Mia's girl?
Haley: That's right. I'm in trouble.
Old Blind Pete: Are you pregnant?
Haley: What? No! Bozzok wants me dead?
Old Blind Pete: Why, is he the father?
Haley: NO! Gross! He wants to make an example out of me because I left the guild.
Old Blind Pete: In that case, you better come in, girl. This town could use a few less of Bozzok's “examples” in my opinion.
Haley: Thanks, Pete. I knew I could count on you. Oh, and these are my friends, Celia and Belkar.
Old Blind Pete: Is one of them shaking two giant sheets of cellophane?
Celia: Oh, that's me, I guess. I have wings.
Old Blind Pete: *sniff! sniff!* And is the other some sort of magically-animated public urinal?
Belkar: I'm having a bad week, OK?
Crystal: Petey! Get your butt out here!
Haley: That's Crystal!
Old Blind Pete: Hide, I'll find a way to throw her off your trail.
Crystal: Have you seen Haley Starshine?
Old Blind Pete: No.
Crystal: OK, thanks!
Celia: She, uh... she does know that you're blind, right?
Old Blind Pete: Crystal never lets what she knows get in the way of her job, heh.
Haley: It won't be long before someone with a little more brains comes around, though. Pete, do you still have that safe room in the cellar?
Old Blind Pete: Safest in the city. Soundproof, scryproof, ethereal-proof, detect-proof, and totally foolproof. And I've been keeping my moonshine down there, so these days, it's 160-proof! Ha ha ha ha ha! Best part is, the guild still doesn't know I've got it. Come on, I'll show it to you.
Celia: So, I take it you're not on good terms with this “Thieves' Guild,” either?
Old Blind Pete: Let me put it this way: I used to be known as “Eagle-Eyed Pete” before Bozzok caught me selling guild secrets to his rivals. A word of advice: If you're going to do business with criminals, don't pick a nickname based on any body part you can't afford to lose. *sigh* I shoulda listened to Appendix Steve when he tried to warn me.
Celia: That's terrible! Can't you get your eyes healed?
Old Blind Pete: Tried it once. Got a local cleric of Loki to cast Regenerate on 'em, cost me a fortune. But don't you know, I'm halfway to Anywhere when Crystal jumps me and pokes 'em both out again. The whole thing was a huge waste of money, thank you very much.
Haley: Wait, Pete- I thought all the clerics of Loki were in the guild's pocket?
Old Blind Pete: They are, 'cept for this one, who's a dear childhood friend of mine. A childhood friend who remembers that Old Blind Pete's gold glitters as well as anyone else's, ha ha ha!
Haley: Good. Great, even. We need a cleric in the worst way, and our gold glitters pretty well, too.
Belkar: She polishes it.
Old Blind Pete: I'll get a message to him in the morning, then.
Haley: Perfect, we'll bunk here for the night. Thanks again, Pete.
Celia: So...what? We're just going to stand around and wait?
Haley: Well, I intend to lie around, but yes. A good thief knows when the heat it on, it's best to either lie low or skip town, and we can't skip town.
Celia: Shouldn't we be, I don't know, making plans?
Belkar: My intestines have a plan: Find the bathroom, A.S.A.P.
Haley: I'm much better at making plans when I've slept more than two hours. We'll plan in the morning, after we talk to Pete's cleric friend.
Celia: But can't we-
Haley: Celia, shush! Try to get some rest. We're lucky to have a place to sleep safely tonight. I'm sure wherever Elan is, he's facing threads far more treacherous than a night wasted in a warm bed.
Elan: I got your note.
Therkla: Did you come alone?
Elan: Yes.

0582
Moonlight Rendezvous
Therkla, Elan

Elan: So what's the secret mission, Ninja Girl? Is there an evil supervillian secretly plotting nefarious crimes against the whole fleet?
Therkla: Yeah, you could say that, I guess. I'm sorta faced with a tough choice here. My employer has given me a direct order that I really don't like...and I have to decide whether I should obey it anyway. I mean, he's been so kind to me for all these years, and given me a place where I fit in, which I've never had because-
Elan: Because you're the last survivor of the doomed planet, Ninjon?
Therkla: -because I'm a half-orc.
Elan: Right, that too.
Therkla: On the other hand...well...I know we don't know each other THAT well, but we've had fun teaming up against monsters, and I think we have a lot in common. And you're like, REALLY good-looking. Like, Grade-A, lock-the-bathroom-door, “No, Ma, I'm just taking a long shower,” fantasy material. And, well...I really like you, and I want to be your girlfriend.
Elan: You...like me?
Therkla: Yeah.
Elan: You mean you LIKE-like me?
Therkla: Yes, I LIKE-like you.
Elan: Therkla, I...I already have a girlfriend.
Therkla: What? What are you talking about? I've been watching you for months, you don't have a girlfriend.
Elan: She's no here. We got separated back in Azure City, and we haven't seen each other since. But my friend Vaarsuvius is looking for her, and-
Therkla: So, she might no even be alive, then?
Elan: She's not dead.
Therkla: But you don't really know-
Elan: She is not dead.
Therkla: OK, fine, she's not dead, but she's not here, either. I am. Look, I'm not asking for much. if she shows up someday, I'll step aside. I just want to be yours, even for a little while. I want to feel your arms around me, even if I know that they'll be around her tomorrow.
Elan: I'm sorry, you seem really cool and you're sorta cute and you've got the whole superheroine thing working... But I'm in love with Haley. I just don't think it could work out between us. Or, we could get a slice of pizza sometime. How's Friday? Pick you up at eight?

0583
Love's Sweet Sting
Qarr, Therkla, Elan, Hinjo, Lien, Durkon, Azurite Soldier

Qarr: Aaahh!
Elan: Aaaah!!
Qarr: What are you doing?!? I set you up for the perfect flank!
Therkla: You stay away from him, Qarr! Don't you touch him!
Qarr: What? Listen, I don't pretend to understand all those squishy little hormones running around in your bastardized half-breed blood, but he just shut you down hard. Face it, Underbite, your crush if officially of the unrequited variety. So can we please all get on the same page here and complete our mission to kill him? I mean, let's hurry this up. I'm missing the Olympics.
Elan: Kill me?
Therkla: What? No, Elan, it's not like that! I was-
Qarr: Ordered by our master to lure you here alone and kill you, so that we can assassinate Hinjo without your interference.
Elan: Don't worry, Therkla. I've been through a scene exactly like this before. I know he's lying to try to turn me against you. You won't succeed, imp! You're not nearly as important an antagonist as my brother was! I bet your team doesn't even have a real name!
Therkla: Actually, it's completely true.
Elan: Huh?
Therkla: Our master DID order us to lure you here and kill you. I was just hoping... I was hoping you could be my boyfriend instead.
Elan: You know...just 'cause I can't be your boyfriend doesn't mean you have to kill me.
Therkla: ... It doesn't?
Elan: I'm sure Hinjo could find a job for the amazing Ninja Girl.
Therkla: In that case, Qarr, I quit!
Qarr: You treacherous little bitch, I will-
Azurite Soldier: Oww!
Therkla: Did that tree...
Qarr: ...just say, “Oww”?
Azurite Soldier: Crap.
Hinjo: OK, everyone freeze! Drop your weapons and put your hands in the air.
Lien: Make one false move, imp, and I will smite you so hard you'll see little demonic birds.
Elan: Oh man! Durkon is right! The trees ARE after us!!
Durkon: See? Tha's wha I been tryin' ta say all along!
(D): See? That's what I've been trying to say all along!

0584
Improbable Causes
Hinjo, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Therkla, Lien, Qarr, Detective Olivia Benson, Detective John Munch, Detective Elliot Stabler, Pit Fiend

Hinjo: OK, Vaarsuvius, you better drop the illusion now.
Elan: Hey, I know someone back on our boat named Vaarsuvius too! Neat!
Vaarsuvius: Much to my displeasure, no such person exists on the vessel in question at this point in time. Dismiss Veil!
Hinjo: You are under arrest for two counts of Conspiracy to Commit Murder and one count of Consorting with Devils.
Therkla: Hinjo?!? Elan, I said to come alone! You set me up!
Elan: What? No! I didn't! I didn't know anything!
Vaarsuvius: I will gladly corroborate; he does not, in fact, know anything. At all.
Lien: You can blame me, if you'd like. After your little puppet show on the orc island, it was pretty easy for me to put two and two together. Contrary to popular opinion, Good is not always dumb.
Qarr: Hey, stay back with that spear!
Lien: Actually, it was your...uh...distinctive speech pattern...that made me suspicious.
Elan: <whisper>It's OK, Lien, you can say that it's his red and black speech ballon.
Lien: OK, fine, his red-and-black speech balloon. Your voice was the one that implied that you had used Charm Monster many times, which fit in with the unusual aquatic humanoid attacks that the fleet had been suffering. And the ninja had come out of the same hut. It seemed likely that the two of you were plotting against the fleet. So, given the ninja's attraction to Elan-
Therkla: How did you know about that?!?
Lien: Uh, I have eyes? Good, not dumb. Anyway, given that, we kept a close eye on Elan, waiting for you make contact.
Elan: Why didn't you tell me anything about it, though?
Lien: Because we wanted it to work! Seriously, how many times do I need to go over the “Good, not dumb,” thing?
Hinjo: Lien, please take this woman into custody.
Lien: With pleasure.
Elan: Wait, you don't have to do that! She wants to join the Good Guys now.
Hinjo: Elan, it doesn't work like that. She can't just tell us she's going to put on a White Hat and expect us to let her go.
Elan: What if she told you who her master was? That always works on “Law & Order: Special Encounters Unit”.
Detective John Munch: We've got a situation, people. Guy's walking through open plains, and BOOM! He rolls a 00 on the Encounter Table.
Detective Olivia Benson: “Roll twice and combine”? That poor bastard.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Eh, he brought it on himself.
Hinjo: I imagine we might be able to work out some sort of reduced sentence.
Therkla: Wait a minute, who said I was willing to name names? I'm a half-orc, not a half-narc.
Hinjo: It's OK, we already know that Daimyo Kubota is your master, we just need you to confirm it before the magistrate.
Therkla: So he can be hanged for treason? Quitting is one thing, selling out a man who has been my mentor for years is another. Forget it. I may not have a lot of honor left, but I can do that for him, at least.
Hinjo: Take her away, then.
Lien: What about you, imp? Anything to say before we send you back to Hell. ... Hey, imp! I'm talking to you!
Vaarsuvius: He will not answer. He is obviously in a summoning trance.
Lien: Summoning?? Can we stop it?
Vaarsuvius: Your concern is a waste of effort, I have been monitoring his futile attempt. I estimate no greater than a 10% chance of him being able to call on another devil.
Elan: Oh, OK. Whew!
Vaarsuvius: Further, even were he successful, the majority of devils that might respond are well within an acceptable range of difficulty for the forces we have arranged here. Frankly, I relish the opportunity to garner a few experience points in such a conflict. The chance of him summoning a devil that would actually put us in mortal danger is infinitesimally low.
Elan: Like, a one-in-a-million chance???
Vaarsuvius: Well, not precisely, but the chances are certainly in the vicinity of-
Elan: TAKE COVER!!!
Pit Fiend: RAAAWWRRR!!!
Lien: Twelve Gods...
Elan: A 10% chance is pretty unlikely, but everyone knows that a one-in-a-million chance is a sure thing!
Vaarsuvius: *sigh* And once again, Probability proves itself willing to sneak into a back alley and service Drama as would a copper-piece harlot.

0585
Immaterial Components
Pit Fiend, Qarr, Lien, Durkon, Elan, Hinjo, Vaarsuvius

Pit Fiend: WHO DARES TO-Oh, hey, Qarr. What's up?
Qarr: No time for small talk, I'm calling in my marker. I want all mortals on this island dead.
Pit Fiend: Aww, c'mon. Taking combat orders from an imp is just embarrassing!
Qarr: Oh? More embarrassing than, say, throwing a future service marker into the pot when you were only holding a pair of Jacks?
Pit Fiend: I though you were bluffing!
Qarr: I had three Kings showing.
Pit Fiend: ... I thought you were bluffing REALLY well.
Qarr: Look, they're already down there bluffing themselves with fancy enchantments and abjurations and whatnot, so stop whining and go kill them all.
Pit Fiend: *sigh* OK, fine, fine.
Qarr: Good. Your presence here opens up a few possibilities that I need to go act on.
Lien: What exactly IS that thing? Besides big, red, and angry?
Durkon: Mass Bear's Endurance.
Elan: Really? It seems less “angry” and more... “mildly put out”.
Hinjo: Vaarsuvius, do you have any idea how we can-
Vaarsuvius: Yes.
Hinjo: V, wait!
Vaarsuvius: Hear my voice, interloping cretin. I have little time to give over to your defeat, as this entire scenario is a tragic waste of my precious research time. Therefore, I will simply banish you. If you are familiar with the Banishment spell, you will note that the spell is more powerful if the caster presents something that the target “hates, fears, or otherwise opposes”. As such, I present only with my Common Sense, which your ludicrous stature clearly defies. As it is certainly a rare commodity on this world, I imagine it will be doubly effective.
Durkon: Vaarsuvius, ye daft fool! Ye coulda gotten yerself killed tryin' ta fight it alone.
(D): Vaarsuvius, you daft fool! You could've gotten yourself killed trying to fight it alone.
Elan: I was sorta hoping the hit would knock you out. I mean, at least then you would get some rest.
Vaarsuvius: Remain here while I ascertain how it feels about unwanted advice and misguided chastisements. If it is at all like myself, both of you may yet prove integral to its eventual banishment.

0586
No Encounter is an Island Unto Itself
Therkla, Azurite Soldier, Elan, Kazumi, Daigo

Therkla: Sorry if this hurts. I'm a little rusty on NOT killing people, but I'm doing my best.
Azurite Soldier: *gasp!*
Elan: Aww, man, Therkla! Therkla, stop! Where are you going?
Therkla: Elan! I need your help. I need to get off this island. You came in a row boat, right?
Elan: Therkla, listen: If you help us, maybe Hinjo will, like, pardon you or something.
Therkla: Yeah, I know. I thought of that, too.
Elan: You did? Then why are you running away?
Therkla: Look at that thing, Elan! What am I going to do against THAT? My sword isn't sharp enough to give it a pedicure, much less seriously injure it.
Elan: Yeah, I know what you mean... it didn't even HEAR the great pun I made on the word “thaumaturgy” last round...
Therkla: Besides, I'm not running AWAY from the devil, I'm running TOWARD the fleet.
Elan: Oh, I get it! ... Wait, no, I don't.
Therkla: Our plan has always been to place Ku-uh, our master-on the throne. But he's not actually directly in line. So there's two parts to the plan: Kill Lord Hinjo before he can sire an heir, and then convince the Council of Nobles to elect our master as the new Lord. That big devil means that Qarr has pinned down our primary target-Hinjo-AND our secondary targets-you guys, the Order of the Stick. So Qarr is going to order an attack on our tertiary targets, to maximize our chances of winning the council vote. We can row this boat faster than I can swim, which might let us get there before-
Elan: Tertiary targets? Wait, I'm confused, who are the tertiary targets?
Kazumi: Ooof! The baby's really kicking a lot tonight.
Daigo: I guess Mommy's got her own little monk in there, doesn't she?

0587
What to Expect When You're Expecting Assassins
Kazumi, Daigo, Ninja

Kazumi: Hey honey, can you get me a sandwich? We're starving.
Daigo: Of course, dear. What would you like on it?
Kazumi: Peanut butter, pepperoni, and pickles.
Daigo: Ewww! Do you really crave that?
Kazumi: No, it sounds disgusting. But this article in “Stereotyped Pregnancies Monthly” says that's what I should be eating.
Daigo: OK, well, I'll see what we have left in the galley. I just hope I don't miss all the kicking while I'm-
Ninja: Wow, that was easy.
Ninja: Yeah, I sort of expected him to put up a fight. He was in the army, you know.
Ninja: Guess we just slit everyone's throats, burn their bodies and call it a night.
Kazumi: What the- what's going on? Who are you? What did you do to my husband?
Ninja: He's just knocked out-for now. Don't worry, you're about to join him.
Kazumi: Sorry to disappoint. Turns out I get knocked up easier than I get knocked out. You stupid pieces of @#!%. I was in the army, too, and I didn't forget four years of training the moment my egg's perimeter was breached. You think just because I can't see my feet right now that I can't put one of them up your cowardly ninja asses? Please. So what are the rest of you spineless mother%$@ers waiting for? I'm a goddamn baby-making, life-taking MACHINE! Why should I care how many people I have to kill? I can just make MORE in my TUMMY!
Ninja: Aww, she really has that pregnant glow, doesn't she?
Ninja: I think that's the potion.

0588
His Name Probably Helps, Too
Hinjo, Vaarsuvius, Durkon, Lien, Lord Shojo, Pit Fiend

Hinjo: Vaarsuvius, I need you to fly me up to-
Vaarsuvius: I'm sorry, you seem to have mistaken me for some sort of aerial livery service. It is for the protection of your people that I am engaging this titanic fiend, so it would behoove you to stop attempting to direct my efforts elsewhere. Empowered Lightning Bolt. Since it is clear that only the arcane arts have any hope of thwarting this opponent, I am the lone individual qualified to judge what is the most effective disposition of my amply magical talents. Quickened Magic Missile.
Hinjo: Twelve Gods, that elf is starting to get on my nerves.
Durkon: Jus' now? Yer runnin' six months behind tha rest o' us.
(D): Just now? You're running six months behind the rest of us.
Hinjo: I know I can hurt this thing, if only I could reach something other than it's ankles!
Durkon: Sit on me head.
(D): Sit on my head.
Hinjo: ... What?
Durkon: Sit on me head.
(D): Sit on my head.
Hinjo: Uh, Durkon, I don't think this is really the time or place for-
Durkon: Lad, I don't haf time ta explain! Jus' do it!
(D): Lad, I don't have time to explain! Just do it!
Hinjo: OK, well, this is sort of awkward. How does this-
Durkon: Thor's Might!
Hinjo: Whoa!! Hey, now this is more what I had in mind! Argent!
Pit Fiend: RRAAAWWRR!!
Hinjo: Smite Evil!!
Lien: Great job, sir. But how were you able to hurt it? My spear has barely scratched its skin.
Hinjo: Devils hate silver. This is my silvered katana: I have a cold iron one, too. And as for Argent's bite... well, let's just say that we have my late uncle to thank for that.
Shojo: Look, I'm sorry he needs his teeth filled, but it's not my fault! You said it was OK to feed him table scraps while you were gone!
Hinjo: A 20-lb. tub of strawberry cake frosting does not qualify as a “table scrap”!
Shojo: Then you obviously haven't been eating at the right tables!

0589
Entrance Qualifications
Kazumi, Daigo, Ninja, Kubota, Therkla, Elan, Samurai

Ninja: Please don't hurt me! I have children, too!
Kazumi: Yeah? Did you go through half a year of hemorrhoids to get them? Turn around and I'll show you exactly what that feels like.
Daigo: Unnnh... Kazumi! I'm coming, my love! I'll save you from-
Kazumi: Kubota?!? What the hell are YOU doing here?
Kubota: Why, I come to render assistance, naturally.
Daigo: Ooof!
Kubota: I heard the sounds of battle from my ship and have come to aid two of my fellow nobles in defending themselves from this mysterious and untraceable ninja attack. Sadly, it is well-known among the general public that I am not much of a swordsman, so no one will be surprised that my efforts were in vain. Naturally, I intend to sustain a serious (but not life-threatening) injury in my heroic-if ultimately futile-effort to defend you. Make sure it's not on my face, incidentally.
Samurai: You go it, Boss. Drop the swords, Fatty.
Kazumi: Unnnh!
Samurai: Heh heh, “Fatty”.
Kubota: My samurai will “drive away” the ninja, but not before the Kato bloodline is excised.
Daigo: First of all, my wife is a delicate flower who just happens to be with child. Second of all, stay the hell away from my family, Kubota, or you'll have to answer to me, Daigo Da-
Therkla: Daimyo Kubota, please, stop!
Samurai: Oh, hey, Therkla.
Kubota: Therkla, my dear. How deeply disappointing. I see that Qarr's assessment of your loyalty has sadly proven accurate.
Therkla: No, you don't understand, I just want-
Elan: The jig is up, Kubota! Surrender now!
Therkla: Elan, I left the door open for you, you know.
Elan: Right, that's why I had to go around and find another way to crash dramatically into the scene. Don't worry, you're new at this, it's an easy mistake to make.
Daigo: Why do I have glass in my face?

0590
Role Reversal
Therkla, Elan, Kubota, Daigo, Kazumi

Therkla: Please, Daimyo, I don't want to see you get arrested-or killed! Hinjo knows all about your plans to seize power.
Kubota: Oh? Ratted me out to save your own skin, did you?
Elan: Are we rolling initiative? I thought we were rolling initiative. Are we?
Therkla: No, I didn't say anything. He already knew.
Kubota: Bah! He knows nothing. He may suspect, but he can't prove it.
Elan: He knows that he can prove that he suspects, and that's enough for me!
Therkla: Look, Daimyo, this plan isn't going to work. Abandon it now, and you can still hold on to your current position.
Elan: Yeah, give up now and you can... ...get away with everything you've done so far? I thought we were racing to STOP Kubota!
Therkla: We are. We're stopping him from making a huge mistake that will cost him his career.
Elan: Huh. I was getting more of a “stop him from ever threatening anyone ever again” vibe from it.
Therkla: Well, that too, I guess.
Kubota: Your new boyfriend doesn't seem to agree with your priorities.
Therkla: What? No, uh, he's-
Elan: Oh, I'm not her boyfriend. We're just good friends. I'm in a long-distances, no-communications relationship.
Kubota: Twelve Gods, woman! I mentored you in villainous Best Practices for years now, and you didn't even have the decency to betray me for a man who at least just PRETENDED to love you?
Therkla: I'm not “betraying” anyone, OK? No one!! I don't want anyone to get hurt here-not you, not Elan, not the Katos. So just take the guys and go back to the ship. We can sort the rest out later.
Elan: We can't just let him walk away! He's the bad guy! He needs to go to jail!
Kubota: Oddly enough, I concur, at least with the part about not walking away. I have no intention of giving up before the final outcome is decided. Tell me, bard: You are a man with an appreciation for the theatrical. The hero, along with their fair companion, arrives at the climactic confrontation with the villain after months of intrigue. Given that the villain is physically weaker, what would be the villain's next step? If we were going by tradition?
Elan: Well... Generally, the villain would suddenly take the girl hostage and force the hero to choose between thwarting his plans, or rescuing her.
Kubota: Again, I concur. Take him.
Elan: HEY!
Therkla: Well, my former protégé? The choice is yours.
Elan: Awwww, man! I didn't know *I* was gonna be the girl!
Daigo: Yeah, it's a big day for gender equality all around.
Kazumi: Mmmph! Mmpher fnnfer nf fnna frrr fff!

0591
Antipathy for the Devil
Lien, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Hinjo, Pit Fiend, Elan, Samurai

Lien: DURKON! Please don't be dead, please don't be dead, please don't be dead... There, at least I can do something useful. I might as well have taken Weapon Focus: Toothpick for all the good my attacks are doing. Lay On Hands.
Durkon: Thank ye, lass. How's Hinjo's attack going?
(D):Thank you, lass. How's Hinjo's attack going?
Lien: Well...
Hinjo: HEY! No one hurts my dog!!
Lien: ...but not as well as could be hoped.
Durkon: Aye.
Vaarsuvius: It would seem that this foul creature has weathered the brunt of my direct damage spells without so much as a mild inconvenience. I believe I must attempt a more unpredictable evocation if I am to defeat it. But first, I must “prepare the battlefield,” as they say. Crushing Despair!
Pit Fiend: Geez. What am I doing with my life? Taking orders from an imp? All the guys I went to high school with have gone on to be men of wealth and taste. Just leave me alone.
Durkon: Vaarsuvius! Come down 'ere an' let me heal ye! Ye look so crappy, I cannae even tell how hurt ye are!
(D): Vaarsuvius! Come down here and let me heal you! You look so crappy I can't even tell how hurt ye are!
Vaarsuvius: I do not require your succor at this time. If you are intent on assisting, what I really require is a spell that will further lower this fiend's saving throws, as Crushing Despair does. Unless you do not really have an interest in actually vanquishing this foe and would rather just tell me what I should do.
Durkon: Grrrr...ye damned arrogant piece of...I got yer spell right 'ere, yer lucky I dinnae shove it up yer delicate elven- Bestow Curse!
(D): Grrrr... you damned arrogant piece of...I got your spell right here, you're lucky I don't shove it up your delicate elven- Bestow Curse!
Pit Fiend: Great, now I'm cursed. Mom was right, I am an embarrassment.
Vaarsuvius: Your capacity for maternal dissapointment has only just begun to reach its maximum potential. Prismatic Spray!
Lien: Wow, I can't believe you actually turned it to stone...
Durkon: Aye, well, ye got lucky. Tha were a foolish risk. Och. Now I'm startin' ta get worried.
(D): Aye, well, you got lucky. That was a foolish rish. Oh. Now I'm starting to get worried.
Lien: You mean because the ninja escaped, Elan is missing, and the vile little imp has teleported to who-knows-where?
Durkon: Och, aye... But I mean I'm worried 'cause V just passed up a perfect opport'nity ta say, “I told ye so.”
(D): Oh, aye... But I mean I'm worried because V just passed up a perfect opportunity to say, "I told you so."
Elan: Dunh dunh DUNNNNNH!
Samurai: Why'd he do that?
Samurai: Maybe you're squeezing him too hard?

0592
Stuck in the Middle
Kubota, Elan, Therkla

Kubota: What will it be, Therkla? Turn on me, and your would-be lover dies. Stay with me, and you may resume your position as my right hand.
Elan: Hey, let me go, and I'll show you a position with my right hand that I think will sum up her decision.
Kubota: Really, my dear, you're a smart girl. I don't understand your loyalty to this buffoon.
Elan: Huh. That's what I was about to say. He doesn't care about you, Therkla. To him, you're just another disposable ninja mook.
Kubota: And to him you are yet another female villain to seduce to the side of Good. He'll forget you when the next femme fatale comes around.
Elan: And he'll sacrifice you when the next opportunity to get ahead comes around!
Kubota: He'll-
Therkla: SHUT UP!
Elan: But-
Therkla: Both of you! I'm not choosing anyone! I don't know what this is so damn hard for everyone to understand. All I want is for everyone I care about to stay alive and safe. Why do I have to pick one of you to suffer?
Elan: Because he's a villain! He needs to be punished!
Kubota: Because he's a hero! He needs to be eliminated!
Therkla: Well TOO BAD! I am so sick of Good Guys and Bad Guys. I don't care who wins anymore! I don't care who rules Azure City-there isn't even a city left to rule! Everyone is just fighting for meaningless titles and nonexistent territories and...and...and their inflated egos! You want me to make a choice? Here's my choice. Kubota, you are going back to your ship.
Elan: HA!
Therkla: You are going to contact all your allies, and you are all going to turn and sail away. You're going to go found your own city, or conquer someone else's. I don't care.
Therkla: And Elan, you agree to go back to Hinjo and use your persuasive abilities to convince him to just let them go.
Elan: But he tried to kill-
Therkla: Shush! And that's it. We split into two kingdoms, and everyone lives happily ever after. Or else.
Kubota: Or else, what?
Therkla: Or else I remind you that I'm the highest-level character on your payroll by killing both your samurai before they can even blink. Really, I don't know what you were thinking with this “hostage” thing, sir. You know these guys can't stop me.
Kubota: I'm sorry, my dear,. But ruling over a few ships or some ragamuffin town simply will not do, not when Hinjo may already be dead.
Therkla: Well then... I guess I would rather see you both alive-and one of you in prision-than either one of you dead. So...
Elan: Ha! Looks like I'm the hostage with the most-age!
Therkla: Now come on, you know you can't fight us alone. Surrender, and we can- OWWW!!
Kubota: Why take the bard hostage? Because I thought it might give me a round or two where your attention was elsewhere.
Therkla: What was that? A needle?
Kubota: I may be a lousy swordsman, but I can still make a touch attack with a poisoned ring- -if my target is otherwise occupied by, say, rescuing the man she loves from evil samurai.
Kubota: It's the sort of preparations one makes when one is told that the highest-level character on one's payroll has defected to the enemy.
Therkla: Unnnnhhhh....
Elan: THERKLA!
Kubota: Now, let's see, Elan... I believe you recently expressed interest in wanting to face the “hero's choice” yourself? I think an appointment just opened up for you.

0593
Another Choice
Kubota, Elan, Therkla, Kazumi, Daigo, Lien, Durkon

Elan: Give me the antitoxin! I know you have one!
Kubota: Twelve Gods, why would I be carrying the antitoxin on my actual person? I drank it twenty minutes ago, it will be effective for the rest of the hour. Now, Elan, here is YOUR choice: I am going to retreat to my boat, to await the outcome of this evening's events. You can follow me and arrest me, if you wish, catching me “red-handed” on Hinjo's ship. But you should know that I am wearing +5 armor, not to mention a small fortune in other magical armor-increasing items, and I have confidence that judicious application of the Total Defense action- -will allow me to delay you from landing a hit on me, for the 10 rounds- oh, make that 9 rounds- it will take for the fair Therkla to expire. Or, you can tend to her, and possibly save her life- -knowing that I will have time to clean up whatever loose ends might possibly incriminate me, should Hinjo live. I'm quite good at that sort of thing, you know. Anyway, the choice-as is traditional-is yours.
Therkla: Unnnh... I should have known he's have a plan like this when he suggested that Great Fortitude was a bad feat for me to take... I thought he was just trying to help optimize my build.
Elan: Come on, Therkla, forget him. We're gonna find a way to save you.
Therkla: “Find a way”? Isn't Neutralize Poison a bard spell?
Elan: Yeah, but not one that I ever learned! Daigo!
Daigo: I'll go after Kubota!
Elan: NO! You'll just get poisoned, too. Run down to Durkon's cabin and see if you can find an antitoxin, or a potion, or anything that can help.
Daigo: Here, honey, you can help me look.
Kazumi: Baby, my top speed is “Waddle,” I'll just slow you down, I have a better idea that'll put all those breathing exercises to good use. DURKON!!! *gasp* *gasp* DURRKONNN!!!
Durkon: Wait...Did ye just 'ear sumthin'?
(D): Wait...Did you just hear something?
Lien: No. Come on, we need to keep searching the island. The ninja may have gotten the drop on Elan.
Durkon: Aye, lass, OK.
Elan: Here, drink this potion of Heroism, it'll give you a bonus to your save. I just hope it'll be enough.
Therkla: Elan... Elan, wait. I need to say... something... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I screwed everything up. I shoulda just... just stuck with you and attacked Kubota right away. I tried to have it both ways...to keep both you and him safe...but I should know by now... I should know that I'm not even allowed to have it ONE way. Not how my life works.
Elan: Resist, resist, resist, resist the deadly poison!
Therkla: Hey, your music is green... like me. I never noticed... It was sort of worth it though. I mean... I managed to get your arms around me, didn't I? Heh. That's all I really... all I really wanted...
Elan: Therkla? THERKLA? Therkla, listen to me. Durkon can bring you back. If you die, Durkon can raise you from the dead!
Therkla: ...Yeah? If he raises me from the dead... will you dump your girlfriend and be with me?
Elan: ...
Therkla: No thanks then... I'll take my chances that the Afterlife... ...won't have any punishment worse... ...than not being with you.

0594
Rock the Boat
Kubota, Kazumi, Elan

Kubota: Qarr? Qarr, where the hell are you? You were supposed to be my back-up in there. I had to use up my last does of Lotus Extract just to get out alive! Can you hear me? I need to know if Hinjo is dead yet!
Kazumi: Elan, wait!
Kubota: What are you doing?!? You'll sink us both, you fool!
Elan: Gosh, really? Good thing I'm not wearing any armor! This is for her. You were her captain... now you're going down with her ship.
Kubota: I surrender.
Elan: What???
Kubota: Since Hinjo seems to have survived the evening, I remit yourself to your legal custody- -to await whatever charges you wish to bring against me before the magistrate. Naturally, I will be pressing assault charges as well.

0595
Trial of the Century
Kubota, Elan, Vaarsuvius

Elan: I can't believe you just surrendered! That's what Therkla wanted you to do in the first place!
Kubota: True, but when she suggested it, there wasn't a high-level aide of mine who had recently died upon whom I could pin the blame. Clearly, Therkla acted alone, using her position within my house to carry out a personal vendetta against Lord Hinjo without my knowledge. I hear rumor the she even consorted with devils- and certain Northerners. I had no choice but to kill her in order of restore honor to my family name, in accordance with our traditions. It's not a perfect story, but I think I can make it fly at trial.
Elan: That's just a pack of lies! No one will ever believe that!
Kubota: You'd be surprised what people will believe when they've been stuck on a boat for months.
Elan: Yeah, well, they'll use magic to MAKE you tell the truth!
Kubota: Interesting fact: Did you know there is at least one aristocrat-friendly prestige class that grants the extraordinary ability to fool magical lie detection? You did not actually think I had gotten this far in life without clearing THAT little hurdle, did you? My trial will last a few weeks, at most, and when it is over, Hinjo will look like an out-of-touch buffoon for even bringing charges against me-a beloved pillar of the community- while his own people wasted away at sea. Now come along, bring me before your master so that we may begin the Trial of the Century.
Elan: Yeah, well, we'll see who they believe. The Katos and I will all testify against you, and then-
Vaarsuvius: Disintegrate. Gust of Wind. Now can we PLEASE resume saving the world?

0596
Convenience Story
Elan, Vaarsuvius, Illusion of Belkar

Elan: What did you DO?!?
Vaarsuvius: I saved us all from a second trial scene. I would think you would be exceedingly grateful.
Elan: *sigh* I guess- I guess it's for the best. I mean, we don't know for sure that he would've gotten away with it, but...but I guess it's for the greater good. It's not like he didn't deserve it, but... it just feels so weird, even for a jerkhead like him.
Vaarsuvius: Great elven gods, what are you blathering about?
Elan: Nothing, I was just saying that I guess Kubota got what was coming to him after all.
Vaarsuvius: What is a “kubota”?
Elan: What is-? Kubota is the guy you just zapped!
Vaarsuvius: I think then that you intend to say, “Kubota was the guy you just zapped.”
Elan: He was the one behind the ninjas and devils and stuff!
Vaarsuvius: Was he, now? I confess that I tired of those happenings some time ago and have paid them scant attention ever since.
Elan: But- but if you didn't know who he was, why did you kill him???
Vaarsuvius: Ah. Simplicity itself. Your strict adherence to dramatic convention has proven to me over the length of our association that you only bother to take captive the main villains of any encounter- such as your brother. The man I killed was bound, and you were holding the rope. I therefore deduced that he was an enemy of some sort, and therefore a valid target.
Elan: ... You executed him just because I happened to have him tied up???
Vaarsuvius: Yes, but that mustache did not do him any favors, either. As I landed on deck, I overheard him say something about his trial taking weeks-and we all know that such would translate into 20 or 30 strips of humorless drudgery, likely involving those two idiot lawyers. Not if my index finger has anything to say about it. And, as it turned out, it had quite the stirring dissertation prepared on that very subject. According to your own words, he probably deserved death anyway. Now, as I stated, I would like us to refocus our efforts on saving the world, unimpeded by any further foolishness. Starting with locating Miss Starshine and the late Sir Greenhilt.
Elan: But-he's a major noble! What am I supposed to tell Hinjo?
Vaarsuvius: What do I care? At what point exactly did I begin answering to him? Lie. Say he escaped. You are the bard around here, tell a good story.
Elan: Wow, V, you're absolutely right. It's totally cool for us to go around killing people. As long as it makes it more convenient for us, why worry? I mean, it's not as if knowing that we need to lie about it to the paladin is a good indication that it may be the wrong idea. Don't you agree?
Illusion of Belkar: I honestly don't see any problem with that plan. Rock on, elf buddy!
Vaarsuvius: Your swift progress with illusions is overshadowed only by your long-overdue grasp of the basics of sarcasm.

0597
Threat Assessment
Illusion of Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Elan

Vaarsuvius: At least when the halfling was a member of this concern, we were still accomplishing our basic goals.
Illusion of Belkar: Hey, that's a good point! Rock on, self buddy!
Elan: Shut up, Illusory Belkar. Dismiss Major Image. Look, V, it's not that I mind that Kubota is dead, really. He was a total douchebag. I mean, he did murder Therkla, after all. But it's wrong to-
Vaarsuvius: At the risk of repeating myself, who is, “Therkla”?
Elan: The half-orc ninja girl? Purple outfit, green skin? You helped arrest her?
Vaarsuvius: She is dead?
Elan: Yeah.
Vaarsuvius: ... Does this mean we no longer gain XP for defeating her on the island?
Elan: What?? How can you say that about her? She was a PERSON, not a bundle of experience points! Therkla had feelings, and dreams, and...and more depth than YOU have! She was in love with me, and I couldn't do anything to keep her from dying in my arms.
Vaarsuvius: I am deeply apologetic that I cannot keep abreast of your latest romantic subplots. It must be because I am too concerned searching for your PREVIOUS paramour. You do remember Miss Starshine, do you not? Or did your tryst with the orc erase the pertinent memories?
Elan: Don't you DARE say I've forgotten about Haley! Do you have any idea what I had to do because I wouldn't give up on her?!?
Vaarsuvius: I do not know. Did you perhaps limit your affair with the NPC to oral pleasures? You know, out of respect for those still missing in action?
Elan: ... You're a horrible mean person, and I'm not going to lie for you. I'm going to tell Hinjo exactly what happened here.
Vaarsuvius: Do as you wish, though I find it odd that one who just witnessed the haste with which I will remove that which distracts me from my crucial research- -would risk becoming such a distraction one's self. Because then I might be forced to remove the distraction.
Elan: I don't get it.
Vaarsuvius: YOU are the distraction in this case. Remove the distraction, which is you. Remove YOU with haste.
Elan: ... What are you getting at?
Vaarsuvius: Oh, forget it. It would take longer to make you understand than it would to research the next spell.
Elan: Wait-are you saying that you are going to research the spell, “Haste” if I don't distract you anymore?
Vaarsuvius: Yes, that is it exactly. You have perfectly gleaned my true intentions, well done. Have a cookie.

0598
To Say a Few Words
Hinjo, Daigo, Elan

Daigo: -and then Elan came back a few minutes later, sort of upset. He picked up the half-orc girl's body and carried it out.
Hinjo: Did he say anything about what happened? Did Kubota manage to escape?
Daigo: He just said that we should tell you that he needed to speak to you, in private, as soon as we saw you.
Hinjo: Twelve Gods, this is a total mess. My gut tells me that Kubota probably just fled when his coup when belly up, but... ...I don't like guessing. Any man willing to traffic with devils to get ahead is too dangerous for us to just hope that he left. And the only person knows exactly what happened is... doing what, exactly?
Daigo: Elan didn't say, sir... ...but I got the impression it was really important.
Elan: So, uh...I don't really know what I'm supposed to say here. Something about a dozen gods, but I'm not sure. Right before you died, you said you were sorry. I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry that...I don't even know. That I lead you to this somehow. Even more, I'm sorry that I couldn't save you, I just-I wanted to, but... ... No, there's no excuse. It's my fault. A real hero would have saved you. Roy would have saved you. I'm not a hero...I just play one in a comic strip. I just realized that you don't know who Roy is, but he's awesome. You'd like him, he was big on loyalty and stuff. He's dead, too, so you guys have that in common. I miss him. A lot. Everything is so confusing now. Ever sinve we left Azure City, I feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I try to think about what Roy would do, but... I don't know, it doesn't always work. What would Roy do about Vaarsuvius? I have no idea! I'm not smart enough to figure it out! Anyway, sorry again. You were nice, and you deserved a lot better. At least I could give you a totally kickass headstone.

0600
Headed Down
Roy, Horace, Sara, Eric, Roy's Archon

Horace: OK, Roy, try it one last time: Step, and swing, and- Perfect If that had been a real caster, his spell would be messed up somethin' fierce right now.
Roy's Archon: All these weeks of training since you returned from the Oracle, and you've managed to finally perfect the art of disrupting the spellcasting of a dummy.
Roy: Well, Xykon IS a sorcerer...
Roy's Archon: Hmm. Point taken.
Roy: Thanks again for teaching me all these custom moves, Grandpa. It means a lot to me.
Horace: Just don't forget to spend a feat on them when you're back in the land of the living. As the song said in my day, “It don't mean a thing if you ain't paid for that swing.” Come on, I think I see your mother waiting for us downhill.
Roy: Time?
Roy's Archon: Five minutes after the last time you asked.
Roy: Good.
Sara: Horace said you were headed back down to the clouds.
Eric: chomp! Chomp!
Roy: Well, Haley should be in Cliffport by now...if she can't close the deal within a few more months, I'll come back up.
Sara: I made some of my special jambalya for you to take down.
Roy: YES! Mom-balaya! Thank you so much! I've been wanting this every day for the last three years.
Sara: Just make sure you finish it before they raise you.
Roy's Archon: It's true, you really can't take it with you.
Sara: I love you, my little brave boy.
Roy: I love you too, Mom.
Sara: Tell your sister I love her, too.
Roy: I will.
Sara: Say hello to this Celia girl for me. Next time I see you, I expect that you'll have put a ring on her finger in a bun in her oven.
Roy: MOM!
Sara: What? It's my paradise, too, and that means I want to be able to hear the pitter-patter of little feet-or the woosh-woosh of little wings, as the case may be.
Roy: See, now, this is why I don't usually tell you about my girlfriends. I gotta go now, little b uddy, but I'll be back, I promise. Hopefully not for another 80 years or so, though.
Eric: bye-bye, Roy! I luv you!
Roy: I love you too. Be good for Mommy. So, I know we used the service elevator to get back up quickly, but aren't you going to get in big trouble for letting me use it again?
Roy's Archon: Well, Archon law says that only employees are allowed to use the lift. But it also says that I need to stay with you at all times. Therefore, if I want to use the lift to come up and then back down, I guess I need to bring you with me, huh?
Roy: Wow, thanks. I can't believe you would stick your neck-uh, I mean, you would risk being disciplined just to help me.
Roy's Archon: Hey, I saw the size of that rift over Azure City, too. I figure, we all have to pitch in if the good guys are going to win this thing, don't we? I can't do much, but I can do this. An angry phone call from Heavenly Resources is a small price to pay to help save the world.
Horace: I'll ride down with you.
Roy: Thanks, Grandpa.
Roy's Archon: Can one of you people with fingers push the button with the cloud on it?
Horace: Hey, I bet everyone was expecting a big battle for strip #600, eh? Ha HA!
Roy: Heh, yeah. Funny thing. We, uh, we actually made that exact joke, five hundred strips ago.
Horace: Oh?
Roy: Yeah. What are the odds?
Horace: I didn't know, 'cause I'm up there in-
Roy: Oh! No, of course. I mean, how could you have known?
Horace: Right.
Roy: Exactly.

If anyone spots any mistakes, I'd be very happy if you could point them out. Also, I wasn't too sure what to call some unnamed characters, so if anyone has any suggestions...

Oh, and XenoTherapy, how's the program going? :smallsmile: