Depression Thread 3: Now with rules!

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Welcome to the third incarnation of the Depression Thread. Who knew that mental illness would be so popular? It seems I need to establish a few things, just to ensure that everyone plays nice.

1. We walk a fine line here on the DT, where emotions tend to run a little hot from time to time. Please do your very best to follow the Forum Rules (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/announcement.php?a=1).

2. While the title is "The Depression Thread," all with some kind of mental illness are welcome. Heck, those without an official diagnosis are welcome. However, there is a Relationship Woes & Advice thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=85319) already. (Link subject to become useless without warning or upsdate. :smalltongue: ) If it’s romance that’s bringing you down, those with experience in that area can be found over there.

3. YOUR PROBLEMS, WHATEVER THEY MAY BE, ARE NO BETTER OR WORSE THAN ANYONE ELSE'S! If you allude to the idea that your problems or probably not worth bringing here, we will have Dallas-Dakota force you to eat one of his Titanium Cookies (patent pending). I see it too many times. "Gee, after reading a few pages, my problems seem so petty." NOT TRUE! If your problems are weighing on you, causing your spirits to drag in even the smallest of ways, then we're here to try and help. Speak, and we shall listen.

4. We are friends helping friends. Our advice is not professional, nor is it always the best. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IMMEDIATELY!

5. As per the mod edit on the first post of the last thread...


Comrade Gorby:

Please note that any posts advocating or aiding in another poster harming themselves or someone else will be removed. This behavior is unacceptable on these forums for a number of reasons, not least of which that it advocates/promotes illegal activity.

We urge anyone struggling with these feelings to seek help.

And now…on with the…ummm…fun? :smallconfused:

[afroakuma]

Aww man... now I'm depressed about rules. :smallbiggrin:

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Actually, calling them rules has me a tad nervous. With the exception of five, they're more like "strong suggestions." But if Ego can put rules on the You thread, I figured I could put rules on the DT. :smalltongue:

To be clear, I am not playing mod. The red print for #5 is an edit/quote from a mod. If it was important enough for a mod to come along and say it there, it was worth repeating in his words here.

[skywalker]

To be clear, I am not playing mod. The red print for #5 is an edit/quote from a mod. If it was important enough for a mod to come along and say it there, it was worth repeating in his words here.

Did someone advocate self-harm? Who would do that?

Sorry that this thread is starting off with posts about the "rules" etc, I'm just wondering.

[Collin152]

So, undiagnosed mental illnesses count?
...
I'll be back.

[RabbitHoleLost]

:: pops in::
Wanted to start off the thread by saying I love you guys.
That is all.
:: pops out::

[TigerHunter]

:: pops in::
Wanted to start off the thread by saying I love you guys.
That is all.
:: pops out::
Hugs for everyone!

[Cobra_Ikari]

*hugs for all*

Also, I need to talk to someone about something important, but I can never work up the nerve to do so, or he's not around. It's making me second-guess myself a lot, and such. Any advice?

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Did someone advocate self-harm? Who would do that?

Sorry that this thread is starting off with posts about the "rules" etc, I'm just wondering.
I assume something happened in the last thread that made Comrade Gorby make an edit to my first post. I don't know what it was, nor do I think bringing it up is of any use. It's over and done with, and I simply quoted the main body of his edit.

And...well, I'm starting to wonder if a mod shouldn't modify the the thread title...or at least give their blessing. It's just that the word "rules" draws attention to the first post, which has important stuff. That includes Gorbash Kazdar's edit.

Shoot me for worrying, but things come up in this thread that sometimes skirt the rules, or are so emotionally charged that people send/receive the wrong message. So two important things I felt needed saying were...said. I pointed people to the rules and quoted Gorby.

Then there's my little pet peeve. "Gee whiz! Everyone else has REAL problems, and I'm upset over a hangnail. It hurts a lot, but it's just not worthy of anyone's attention." Makes me wanna slap someone with a goat! So you just have a hangnail? Maybe someone here has the perfect way to care for it. That it depresses you because it keeps you from playing your favorite video game...Well, I can certainly understand that. Games fill the gaps in my life and keep my mind from getting bogged down with many bigger worries. Thus, I can usually empathize with what some people deem a small issue. It's not small if it's bringing you down emotionally.

I felt the need to point out that the RW&A thread exists because...well, folks here think I'm the Grand Poobah of this thread, and I'm really not the best person to ask about romance. If I was, I probably wouldn't have much time for these forums. :smalltongue:

There was also the need to point out that we're not professionals. There are times when the problems are SO SERIOUS that seeking professional help is about the only route left. I'm very aware of the fact that I'm in no shape to handle the problems of someone who wants to juggle running chainsaws in the hopes of decapitating themselves. Things discussed here tend not to be jokes. Thus, making it clear that if someone feels he/she is a danger to someone's life, they should get off the computer and go get some REAL HELP NOW!

Like I said...They're more like strong suggestions. But "rules" draws the attention and makes people want to read that first post. It's...Why, it's like psychology or something! :smallwink:

Oh...and it seems this thread isn't blessed with boogying, but hugs. That certainly works for me. :smallsmile:

[Dallas-Dakota]

Jibar, Jibar the Catmuffin.
Boogie-blessing is needed at FB, DT 3. It is not a life or death case.

:smalltongue:

[skywalker]

I can boogy... And in fact, I rather enjoy it.

Unless we're talking about something else?

I was referring to dancing.

[Dallas-Dakota]

I can boogy... And in fact, I rather enjoy it.

Unless we're talking about something else?

I was referring to dancing.
Boogy-blessing is reserved by Jibar and Koorly.:smalltongue:

[Talanna]

I think there are some muffins and hugs left. Take them while they're still warm! :smallsmile:
There are few things which can't be cured by a muffin and a hug :smallwink:

[Thufir]

Just make sure the muffin doesn't have ears and a tail.


Makes me wanna slap someone with a goat!

You know, for me at least, I think a fair number of minor problems could be solved by simply reading the above quote and laughing at the mental image. Like,
"Oh, I feel a bit down, but it's not serious enough to bother the DT guys with... Goat slappage?!"
*Beat*
*Hysterics*

[Alien]

How do you people make things motivate you?
I have things to live for, and I have reasons I should do things, but I'm always in a can't-be-bothered mood, and never get anything done.

[Talanna]

@Thufir: All muffins are extensivly tested against tails, ears and general catlikeness :)

@Alien: Sometimes I can motivate myself doing things by knowing how good I'll feel after having them done.
But most of the time I need a well placed kick in the a.. - uhm - behind :smalltongue:
I know this can't-be-bothered mood all to well :smallconfused:

[Mountain_Faerie]

I just wanted to come back and update you guys. I had come into the depression thread a while ago talking about some health issues and my inability to get a job. I have been on blood pressure meds that actually work for about 2 months, so I am feeling much better. I also started my first day of work yesterday with a year round job! It is working with some camps in the region: registering kids and groups, compiling catalog information, web page maintenance, etc. I don't even know all the details of the job, since today will be my second day, but I like it. Thanks for all the support, both on the thread and privately. You guys are great.

[SoD]

Also, I need to talk to someone about something important, but I can never work up the nerve to do so, or he's not around. It's making me second-guess myself a lot, and such. Any advice?

If you have trouble with the nerves, or being worried/scared about talking to him about it, just say to yourself "No matter how nervous/worried/scared/etc. I'm feeling about it, I'm going to tell him." Just be sure to add the clause: 'if we're in a suitable place/time to do so', so you don't say it in an akward time/place.



I've been feeling generally down recently, for a number of reasons (spoilered for wall of text, conviniently numbered, lettered and roman numeraled).


1) Work. School work. And we're coming into end of year.
a) English Independant Study, due next wednesday, 1700, EST.
i) Analytical. Currently looking at a C-. Needs to be drastically improved, and cut down by 200 words.
ii) Creative. Currently looking at a B+. However...needs to be cut by 1200 words (roughly half!) which I cannot do without affecting the quality or drastically changing the story. Which I'll have to do.
iii) Context Statement. Needs to be done. Sigh.
b) Music (2 seperate subjects)
i) Complete Independant Study on the music of Finland. But everytime I try to do it, I can't help but remember my time in Finland, and I feel awful inside thinking about what I had to leave behind.
ii) End of year practical exam. I dislike having to play the peices as the composer intended them, I think that they should be played the way the musician interpretes the music. However, the examiners disagree, so I need to bend to their will.
c) Maths. In general.
d) Theatre Performance. No problems, I'm not actually taking this class, so I don't worry about monologues (which I struggle with) or folios. I'm just in the group peice, with several supporting roles (it's the Importance of being Ernest, fun!). However:
e) Expedition. Due to the scedual of the theatre performance, well, performances, I cannot go on the overland track, a four day hike in central Tasmania, which I had really been looking forward to. This means I'll probably fail the course, as we need to do 3 walks with the class (I'm totaling 2+1 day trip).
f) If I don't pass all 4 of my pre-teriary subjects, I probably won't get into UNI.
2) Finland. I miss it.
3) Thailand. I have the option of spending a year over there. However:
a) I've just spent a year away, and don't want to leave home for another country soon.
b) Apart from that, I don't have any reason not to go.
c) If I don't go, it's a once/lifetime opportunity wasted. And I take every travel opportunity I can get.
d) I don't want to end up feeling awful about missing Finland and Thailand.
4) Friends.
a) I can't help but feel that I can't say 'no' to my friends.
i) One of my friends, who normally doesn't, due to number, come to the DnD sessions. Tomorrow, I'm holding one, and he's coming, as someone else can't come. It's only the second session, and I can't help but feel that he won't be a team player. I originally invited him as he was going out that night, going drinking, just him and 3 girls who were going to pay for his drinks. However...he first off said he couldn't make the session, so I told him what was happening, DM stuff. Now he's given the girls some appology, told me he won't use his knowlege to affect the game, and can make it! If I'd known he could make it, I wouldn't've invited him, and that makes me feel awful.
ii) Another friend won't arrive until 1900, with the rest of us arriving at 1500ish. And due to the nature of the session, I'm not sure if I can start without him.
b) All my friends (well, most) who were in my year last year (when I left for Finland halfway through for a year) are now at UNI, and don't have the time to catch up with my anymore.
c) And when I'm at UNI as well...
5) UNI. I want to study Music/Teaching, for various reasons...but I've spend my entire life telling people that my entire extended family are teachers, and that no, I'm not planning on following on with it. I don't feel comfortable telling anyone I know about this.
6) Girls
a) I've never had any luck in the past on this front. I am SoD, a blessing and a curse. Every girl thinks I'm brilliant, but only as a friend. I'm used to that.
b) Laura. Slight history here. Two years ago I asked her out (very awkward, it just blurted out...) and received the 'Can I think about it?' followed by the 'I think you're a great friend' speech. After that, I'd sort of gotten over her, had another girlfriend, who lasted a month before I realised I didn't actually want to go out with her (and, after I broke up, four days later she's with one of my friends!). Underlying feelings for Laura, but I don't act on them, because I'm soon spending a year away. However, just before I leave (1 week), we talk about things. It's revealed that she does have feelings for me, but with me leaving in a week...it wouldn't work. Upon my arrival back, I hear from about seven different sources that she likes me (none of whom know about our talk a year previous. However, Laura now lives about 200 km away from me, and neither of us have our drivers license. But moving on, when I was up there, we had another talk, which the end result of which was that she's moved on. I had thought about her every day while I was away. Every single day. I've dreamed (dreamt?) about her almost every night since then. But everyone is still admandant that my feelings are returned, and they had heard from her a while ago (but before I asked her out). To make things worse, everything seems to be rubbing my face in it. One of my cousins broke up with his girlfriend called Laura, and another cousin got a boyfriend, both on the same weekend I was rejected (again). Here I am, still single. When, for over a year, I had been expecting differently. Owch.
c) Tully. I've been having a few mixed feelings for Tully, although I only met her this year, I've developed some feelings for her over the past few weeks, and I think there might be some mutual attraction. Whenever I'm with her, I just get a feeling that it could work, and it stays with me during the rest of the day.
i) But as long as I'm feeling that, I'm feeling guilty about not thinking about Laura.
ii) And I don't know weather to try and get over Laura and focus on Tully, or weather Laura lied to me (which everyone else seems to think, although they don't know we've talked about it) because or work loads/distances and the fact we'd rarely get to see each other in person, in which case I should be trying to not think about Tully.
iii) And I feel guilty about dreaming about Laura then thinking about Tully, so to make me feel better, by brain conjured up a dream which involved them both!
d) I put the long version of this on RW&A, which took me ages to write, and then the server crashed and I lost it, and it didn't even go on there.
e) I really feel like I'm conecting with Tully, but last time I rushed into a relationship, it was a total disaster. The other day, a conversation she brought up, just a few quick questions she asked me (namely: "When you're holding something breakable, do you ever just want to smash it?" "Do you ever want to just lash out at total strangers?" "Do you ever feel like you just want to punch someone in the face?", stuff like that, quite personal. She said she felt the same way. I was shocked that she was asking, because I quite often do. And apart from my thoughts, I'm the gentlest person I know, I don't even kill mosquitoes!) which just peirced me to the core.
5) Misc.
a) My pet birds have laid eggs (five!) and have abandoned them to die. Again. For about the seventh time.
b) Watching Scrubs makes me feel depressed afterwards. I own all 7 series.
c) I'm sure there's more I've forgotten.

[potatocubed]

@SoD - I can't really offer much advice there, but my tiny contribution is this: Go to Thailand.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's to travel any opportunity you get. Especially if the travel is subsidised by someone else. Well, unless the destination is somewhere horrible (like Birmingham, for example), but Thailand isn't, so.

[Alien]

The things you don't do cause more regrets than the things you do. It might be an old adage, but it's true. Don't waste your life.

[EmeraldRose]

I just wanted to come back and update you guys. I had come into the depression thread a while ago talking about some health issues and my inability to get a job. I have been on blood pressure meds that actually work for about 2 months, so I am feeling much better. I also started my first day of work yesterday with a year round job! It is working with some camps in the region: registering kids and groups, compiling catalog information, web page maintenance, etc. I don't even know all the details of the job, since today will be my second day, but I like it. Thanks for all the support, both on the thread and privately. You guys are great.

*hugs Faerie*

Yay! That's great news!! I'm happy for you that you finally found a new job, and it sounds like something you'll really enjoy :smallbiggrin:

*hugs again*

[detrevnisisiht]

I'm mostly here to vent for myself but feel free to comment/give advice, I don;t have many people in RL to talk to about this.

My life is in a bad place, I'm in high school, all advanced classes, only one problem with that: It's still to easy. I have a high I.Q. that most would consider a blessing, I never have to think hard in class and the testing is a joke. The problem is it has left me utterly unmotivated in anything the school can teach me, I spend at least one night a week with the think-tanks of my school so we can keep each other mentally active with thinking games and intellectual debate. BUT I can almost never get myself to do any assignments, and as one might assume it leave my grades very lax, and that can't bode well for my future seeing as I am in a relationship that is looking to extend as long as marriage at this point(and I'm only 16)

On top of that I basically Am this forum to all my non-forumgoing friends. I have a whole whackload of problems belonging to other people piled on my shoulders, While I personally have no problem with this and am happy to help them I have no time to think of my own things.

Okay, venting over. Continue on your way

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I've been nervously keeping an eye on this thread, awaiting the hand of doom from a mod. "BOR! YOU MAY NOT ESTABLISH RULES ON THE FORUMS, EVEN WITH THE BEST OF INTENTIONS! WE HEREBY BAN YOU FOR THE SAKE OF ALL, AND HOPE YOU AND YOUR BLOATED EGO WILL LEARN A LESSON IN THE PROCESS!" So far, no one has said a word, so I will assume that I may go about my business without such a fear.

Thufir: Ultimately, I'm pleased someone caught that. The silly imagry was meant to go along with the silly idea that one person's woes are no better than someone else. Thanks for picking up on it. :smallsmile:

Alien: Sometimes the best motivator is that if we DON'T do something, our pains, emotional and physical, will only get worse by doing nothing at all. A prime example is a fungal infection I have in my left big toe. I thought it was bacterial and was taking antibiotics for it. Oops! It hurts to do just about anything that involves walking, and this now includes hip pain that's plaguing me. However, the pain in my toe will only get worse if I do nothing, so I got off my tuchas and got the prescription filled for the lovely, exceptionally greasy cream the doc said I need to apply twice a day.

"Can't be bothered?" Think about how much of a bother things will become if you DON'T get things done on a timely basis. I am, in fact, reminded of the motivator that got me out of bed every morning when I was able to work. Y'see, I'm not a morning person. But when my alarm clock would go off, the thought that would cross my mind is, "Wake up or you're FIRED!" :smalleek:

Mountain_Faerie: That's great news, my dear! Now all we have to do is break you of the habit of driving and talking on the phone! :smalltongue:

SoD: Having read what's in your spoiler, I highly recommend explosives. This about it. A little TNT applied judiciously can solve many problems. :smalltongue:

Joking aside, what you're dealing with is life. It's what happens while you're making other plans. All I can do is wish you the best of luck on coping.

However, I WILL address one thing in your post. This trip to Thailand is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? Then I recommend you take the trip. Better to go and have a few regrets than ignoring that knock of opportunity. This is what I basically told my friend when he was debating getting his PhD along with his MD. "Knowing you, you will regret having not tried more than if you try and screw up." I don't know you as well, so it falls to you. But think carefully before you let it pass you by.

detrevnisisiht: Your name is read poorly by those who are mildly dyslexic. :smalltongue:

I highly recommend that you discuss your educational issues with either your teachers of an school advisor. Let them know you don't feel challenged, and that you are losing interest. And if nothing can be done, then your only other option is to do the work anyway. These high school grades are your keys to college. Not doing them will limit your future. If you think it's bad now, imagine your Ivy League mind trapped in a community college.

A little Bor story. (This about a mind too broad-thinking trapped in the wrong place, not about religion.)

I was taking an English course in community college, which was the only place my HS grades would let me go. The course was mythology. The "professor" chose to teach the Native American Indian religion as mythology, and I basically had a fit. "Try teaching Judaism, Catholicism, or Christianity as mythology right now and you'd have a rebellion on your hand. The only reason you're getting away with it right now is that there are no Native American Indians in class." My friend Jackie, who somehow landed in the same class, went a step further, bringing in a Native American Indian to speak, as well as make it clear how insulted he was by calling it mythology.

I ended up having to drop the class, because my refusal to let the issue go during the weeks she taught that section also had me refuse to take the exams she set on that "subject." As a third of my grade, I thought it better to jump ship that have to barely scrape a passing grade.

What was worse was that she was so shortsighted that she refuse to even debate the issue. That's the kind of thing that will come when you have to go to a college where professors are working because "it was the best they could do."

Do the work. Head for a better school with better educators. Let the future, not the present, be your motivator.

As for handling the problems of others, you need to do what I do: know your limits. There comes a time when you have to focus on yourself. That's when you turn to those seeking your aid and say, I really would love to help, but I'll be useless to you if I don't take care of myself first.

------------------

I think that's it. Understand that my responses are falling a little short because of my own issues. My pains are getting worse, and all I can do is try to cope until I see a specialist on 10/16. (Yes, that was the soonest they could see me.) I'm also still in the process of getting back on my psych meds, which means my thinking is sometimes tainted by improper emotional reads. All I can ask is that folks remain patient with this patient. :smallsmile:

[reorith]

bor, amigo, i took your advice about not drinking and so far so good.

[Ego Slayer]

I've been nervously keeping an eye on this thread, awaiting the hand of doom from a mod. "BOR! YOU MAY NOT ESTABLISH RULES ON THE FORUMS, EVEN WITH THE BEST OF INTENTIONS! WE HEREBY BAN YOU FOR THE SAKE OF ALL, AND HOPE YOU AND YOUR BLOATED EGO WILL LEARN A LESSON IN THE PROCESS!" So far, no one has said a word, so I will assume that I may go about my business without such a fear.
I don't think establishing some guidelines that remind posters what the thread for or how one should go about using it is the issue. Plus, they don't really look like rules to me. It looks more like a "remember to play nice" deal. And quoting Gorby was a good idea, since it's a good thing to remind us of.

I think you should stop worrying. :smallbiggrin:

[Alien]

bor: thanks for the advice. i've tried that path before and failed, but i'll try to try harder.

detrevnisisiht: keep your brain in practice. seeing counsellors as bor suggested is probably a good idea too. but i'll give you a little story:

i knew how to read and write, and square root and other things before starting school at 7. i looked forward to school, i liked learning. i came to school, and they set us writing page up and page down of As, Ns, 3s... simple things, but after months at end of repetitive writing of things you'd learned ages ago, wouldn't you be utterly bored? school went on like this up through the years, and since we always got 'do the rest at home' as homework, and i'd finished all the books long before, i got used to not doing homework. i got used to not making any effort. though i had a few problems in high school because of not doing anything, i got through with high grades.
then i got to university. and things started requiring thought. things required work. i hit the wall there, depression turned my brain into mush, and now i have to furrow my brows in thought for a simple multiplication.
i never did get through university. i never got a job.

keep your brain working, for your own sake. your life is at stake. things won't always be a cruise, and even if you might end up finding university easy and effortless too, it won't always be like that. the earlier you start doing things, be they the school assignments or other assignments you find, the better. perhaps start off easy. a week of ten minutes of assignments a day, then 15...
your mind is a treasure, keep it in shape, or you'll easily come to regret it.

[Hawk7915]

Hi, long-time lurker, first time poster here. I've avoided posting here due to having the attitude described by Bor in the first post (my problems seem so trivial, yada yada yada)...but I've been persuaded :smallsmile:. You guys seem really awesome, and I don't really expect any help...I'm just really in trouble right now and need a place to vent anonymously. Sorry in advance that I'm not going to help anyone else...I wouldn't know where to start, and we have some experts here :smallbiggrin:
I dunno...it's...complicated. Spoilered to protect the innocent:

So, I'm 22 years old. I'm wrestling with a condition called "Tethered Spinal Cord". My doctor doesn't explain things to me as well as I'd like, so I'm not the expert I ought to be, but the essence of it is that my spinal cord (which is elongated and curved compared to a normal spine, and missing several vertebrae) gets "stuck" in my spinal column and starts pinching and crushing nerves. Pretty painful. The real problem isn't the pain, though. Once I'm "retethered" which happens every 16-20 months, every move I take does damage to my nerves. My doctor assures me it only impacts nerves controlling...errr...waste management and reproduction, possibly also sensation in both those areas in my upper legs, and that I won't ever be paralyzed permanently (though I will get weaker). I've had nine spinal cord operations, and now my body has hit its limit. I'm retethered, and as of this summer, my surgeon has decided that while I may be able to take 1-2 more operations, I need to stretch them out as long as possible.

So, I'm in a wheelchair now. I can still get out to go to the bathroom, cook dinner, go to the movies, etc...I just need to use it to get around campus, go shopping, take a hike, all that jazz. I was worried about being mocked and laughed at but so far everyone has been really cool, and my roommates and friends have been great. But as helpful as they've been, I can't talk to them. The therapist I saw for 6 weeks before going back to school said I clearly had intimacy issues, and he's right: I find it hard to really open up honestly and sincerely to the people close to me. Heck, it's only because I'm so sleep deprived and stressed out and overwhelmed right now that I'm even posting this...and I'm still a little nervous about it:smallfrown:

The new concern is that five weeks after getting in my new ride, I'm still rapidly deteriorating. My pain level is through the roof; I can barely focus in class and I just feel drained after two hours of rolling around. I'm afraid I'll need surgery number 10 this winter, causing me to miss ANOTHER semester of school, and possibly causing me to lose my financial aid as well as stick my roommates in a tight spot since I won't be able to pay rent.

I'm pretty clearly depressed (I just switched to a Psych major, so I don't know much but I know myself). It's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. At night, I can't sleep (it's 2:00 am here and I have an exam in 8 hours). I think really...grim...thoughts. I actually pray for death: while I'm walking around I wish I'd get hit by a car, or there'd be a school shooting and I could take a bullet for someone and go down swinging (can you picture a guy speeding at a shooter in his wheelchair, jumping it off some ramp and crushing him? Hilarious.), something, anything. That's not "normal" right? No, I know it isn't. I'm really lonely too. In a great bit of irony, I am a guy with clear intimacy issued who would literally give anything to be in a relationship. I haven't had a date in almost three years. I've been in only one relationship, almost five years ago. I tried therapy this summer and things got better, a little. But I've given the free clinics here on campus a few attempts and it just isn't the same. And in this town there's no public transportation and I don't have a car, so the school clinic is the only game in town for me.

My problem isn't that I *can't* do this: I'm surviving. My problem is that after 22 years of constant pain, with an outlook of continued pain and loss of nerve functioning, I'm really not sure I *want* to do this anymore.
There's the novel, sorry it took so much space. Like I said, as much as I respect everyone in this thread (lurker, remember), I don't really expect help. Just needed to put everything down on paper for a change, and know that someone maybe read it. Anyhow, I have letters to write, and sleep to try and get before that big Bio Psych exam later :smalleek:. Farewell, and good night!

[bluewind95]

Hawk...



Well, first of all, you must understand that what I tell you now is still in the lab stage, but it might offer at least a glimmer of hope for you.

There was a time where nerve damage was thought to be final. That was it. The moment a single neuron died, it never would return.

... That has proven not to be the case. Under certain circumstances(I'm no specialist in the area), new nerves will grow, and the ones that are still there will form new connections as well.

This means that it is possible to restore function to damaged nerves. There has been a lot of research in this area, and results look promising. Recently, in labs, rats with spinal cord damage were restored entirely. And a lot more research is being done, and its goal is not to stay in the labs, but to be widely available for people.

While it is true that this won't happen for some years... you have hope. Hang in there.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Hi, long-time lurker, first time poster here. I've avoided posting here due to having the attitude described by Bor in the first post (my problems seem so trivial, yada yada yada)...but I've been persuaded :smallsmile:. You guys seem really awesome, and I don't really expect any help...I'm just really in trouble right now and need a place to vent anonymously. Sorry in advance that I'm not going to help anyone else...I wouldn't know where to start, and we have some experts here :smallbiggrin:
I dunno...it's...complicated. Spoilered to protect the innocent:

So, I'm 22 years old. I'm wrestling with a condition called "Tethered Spinal Cord". My doctor doesn't explain things to me as well as I'd like, so I'm not the expert I ought to be, but the essence of it is that my spinal cord (which is elongated and curved compared to a normal spine, and missing several vertebrae) gets "stuck" in my spinal column and starts pinching and crushing nerves. Pretty painful. The real problem isn't the pain, though. Once I'm "retethered" which happens every 16-20 months, every move I take does damage to my nerves. My doctor assures me it only impacts nerves controlling...errr...waste management and reproduction, possibly also sensation in both those areas in my upper legs, and that I won't ever be paralyzed permanently (though I will get weaker). I've had nine spinal cord operations, and now my body has hit its limit. I'm retethered, and as of this summer, my surgeon has decided that while I may be able to take 1-2 more operations, I need to stretch them out as long as possible.

So, I'm in a wheelchair now. I can still get out to go to the bathroom, cook dinner, go to the movies, etc...I just need to use it to get around campus, go shopping, take a hike, all that jazz. I was worried about being mocked and laughed at but so far everyone has been really cool, and my roommates and friends have been great. But as helpful as they've been, I can't talk to them. The therapist I saw for 6 weeks before going back to school said I clearly had intimacy issues, and he's right: I find it hard to really open up honestly and sincerely to the people close to me. Heck, it's only because I'm so sleep deprived and stressed out and overwhelmed right now that I'm even posting this...and I'm still a little nervous about it:smallfrown:

The new concern is that five weeks after getting in my new ride, I'm still rapidly deteriorating. My pain level is through the roof; I can barely focus in class and I just feel drained after two hours of rolling around. I'm afraid I'll need surgery number 10 this winter, causing me to miss ANOTHER semester of school, and possibly causing me to lose my financial aid as well as stick my roommates in a tight spot since I won't be able to pay rent.

I'm pretty clearly depressed (I just switched to a Psych major, so I don't know much but I know myself). It's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. At night, I can't sleep (it's 2:00 am here and I have an exam in 8 hours). I think really...grim...thoughts. I actually pray for death: while I'm walking around I wish I'd get hit by a car, or there'd be a school shooting and I could take a bullet for someone and go down swinging (can you picture a guy speeding at a shooter in his wheelchair, jumping it off some ramp and crushing him? Hilarious.), something, anything. That's not "normal" right? No, I know it isn't. I'm really lonely too. In a great bit of irony, I am a guy with clear intimacy issued who would literally give anything to be in a relationship. I haven't had a date in almost three years. I've been in only one relationship, almost five years ago. I tried therapy this summer and things got better, a little. But I've given the free clinics here on campus a few attempts and it just isn't the same. And in this town there's no public transportation and I don't have a car, so the school clinic is the only game in town for me.

My problem isn't that I *can't* do this: I'm surviving. My problem is that after 22 years of constant pain, with an outlook of continued pain and loss of nerve functioning, I'm really not sure I *want* to do this anymore.
There's the novel, sorry it took so much space. Like I said, as much as I respect everyone in this thread (lurker, remember), I don't really expect help. Just needed to put everything down on paper for a change, and know that someone maybe read it. Anyhow, I have letters to write, and sleep to try and get before that big Bio Psych exam later :smalleek:. Farewell, and good night!
Hey, great for joining our little group here, the first step is admitting and telling your problems.
If you get tired by constantly wheeling 'round, maybe one of your room/classmate can push you? I don't know how good friends you are with them. Also, you should get fricken' money from the government. If your problem is big enough that you need to be put in a wheelchair or operations that cause you to miss a entire semester, they should give you money. Look it up on the internets/library on the laws of your country about it. Maybe that'd help a bit with the rent? Usually for stuff like this I just have to get some papers, sign them and ship them to the government. And some weeks later I get a affirmative. And my problems aren't so severe as yours so you should definetely get a yes me thinks.

Also, what you have is a thing which DD calls 'chronic tired'' where sleep doesn't help much and such, though a long hot bath with letting your mind go might, maybe get absorbed in a favorite or new good book?

And Hawk, we don't want you to get killed! I'm pretty sure your roommates and friends don't as well! Because face it, you most likely have some problems in your body, but you're pretty hawt......Pun damage...Sorry...

About the social life? Err that's a problem most geeks face and I'm still trying to find a answer for it.

And maybe the stuff TPAM said might get a boost soon and maybe they'l try it and maybe it'l work. Who knows, I hope so for you, I hope you hope for yourself to.

Because hoping and keeping faith can help a lot.:smallwink:

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Hawk7915: According to your post, you're overdue to be slapped with a goat. :smalltongue:

I'll spoiler the rest, as I tend to go on a bit...

First things first, I looked up your condition (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tethered_spinal_cord_syndrome) just to get the basics. Talk about a condition that makes someone want to throw in the towel early! Wow. You have my empathy, buddy. But let's face the facts: you mind is still managing to focus on the future, and that's a VERY good thing. If you weren't, you wouldn't be in school. So kudos to you for that much! :smallsmile:

Also, I fully get that gallows humor. If you're going to wait around for one of those horrific school shootings so you can die heroically, be sure you do it wearing tights and a cape. You think think the image in your head is funny? Now imagine going full speed down a handicapped ramp with a cape billowing out behind you and your wheelchair. :smallbiggrin:

I'm wondering why there's a limit on the surgeries. Is it a matter of scar tissue? If so, has anyone considered that a plastic surgeon might be able to help in that regard? Everyone looks at plastic surgeons as a doctor that mostly works on making people "pretty" again. But in my research to find a doctor that might be able to do multiple nerve decompression surgery on my upper body (for my http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diabetic_nephropathy), I discovered that I would probably need to find a plastic surgeon to do it. I'm not sure what kind of doctor I actually found, but the nearest one that could work on my upper body is in Tucson, so that's out. The thing is, they can also remove the scar tissue that is making further surgeries impossible at this moment. You might want to consult one and see what they have to say.

For pain management, have you seen a pain specialist? The cocktails of steroids that they inject can be a blessing, and usually mean only one day of being out of action before you are up and running again. I went through this in 1998 with a pain of my own, but steroids and diabetes make for a bad combination. (Steroids cause the blood glucose to go wacky.) Funny how a three inch needle looks like three feet, but you and I are tough guys; the medical community has already thrown bigger problems at us. A giant needle is nothing by comparison. Again, talk to a doctor about this.

Oh...Expect a private message from me. I have some suggestions that are not for the general public.

Now for the mental health part. Chronic illness comes with the lovely addition of mental illness. It's documented. Therapy is all well and good, but there comes a time when it must be realized that it's biochemical in nature, and that medication is needed to help you cope as well. I am now a diabetic for 34 years. (This month makes it officially 34 years.) I am well aware of this aspect, and I highly recommend you dicsuss antidepressants with your doctors to help you deal with your darker thoughts. Keep in mind that it takes four to six weeks for such meds to take full effect, but when they do, you may find that the addition of counseling will be that much more effective.

I'm off to scribble out a PM to you. Meanwhile, think about the replies you're getting. (I see the sweet and lovely Bluewind has spoken up with words of hope, and I happen to know she's smart enough to be worth listening to. :smallwink: )

Oh...And with the goat-slappage, you can also have a *HUG!* :smallsmile:

[Dallas-Dakota]

(I see the sweet and lovely Bluewind has spoken up with words of hope, and I happen to know she's smart enough to be worth listening to. :smallwink: )
[/spoiler]
What am I? Some peanuts waiting to be eaten?

[Ego Slayer]

What am I? Some peanuts waiting to be eaten?
Mmm, peanuts.
Hey, peanuts>peanut butter>peanut butter cookies.
Mmm, cookies.

:smalltongue:

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

What am I? Some peanuts waiting to be eaten?
Oh...My bad. "The lovely Dallas-Dakota also posted." Feel better? :smalltongue:

I believe Blue posted mere moments before I started to reply. I didn't see your post until after I'd posted. So calm down there, Peanut Lad. :smallamused:

[mangosta71]

Mmm, peanuts.
Hey, peanuts>peanut butter>peanut butter cookies.
Mmm, cookies.

:smalltongue:

*pokes* I can has cookie?

Also, you should try Peanut Blossoms. They're peanut butter cookies, but halfway through baking them you shove a Hershey's Kiss into the middle of each one.

[Jibar]

Just... need to write this out.

Hmph.
Been three, four weeks of college now and I've been... well... happy I guess. I mean, I met a girl that likes me and even if we're not dating right now, just this simple fact makes everything seem... better. My lack of self confidence, of self esteem of self... anything... I'm questioning it now. People tell me that I'm a nice person, a good person and I don't believe them... but when She does, I guess I kinda believe it. I mean, I still have all these problems and I still hate myself but... I guess this could be the first step or something. I guess that knowing that I could be wrong, that I could feel better would be what I need to get going, to get help.
...but then I don't want Her to know that. Her sister has been through much the same as me, except she got help. She's getting help. And so I don't know what Her reaction would be if She knew. Would She sympathise, would She help or would She decide she doesn't want those kinds of problems? She's got her own problems, and I want to help Her with those... but will She want to do the same? If anything ever started between us, I would have to say something about it. I could just ignore it and hope it goes away, 'cos that certainly hasn't been working.
And now my age old enemy has arisen.
The Pub.
Hmph.
It's the embodiment of some of my worst fears in life. All the people... so many I don't know. And the alcohol and my fear of losing control. And then I always end up so alone in pubs, which just makes everything worse as everybody else is in their little groups and talking happily with each other and then there's me in the background. By myself. And then it's so far from anywhere where I feel safe. I mean, outside of my house isn't safe. Police have been patrolling my town most week nights now because of increasing violence. How could I go out knowing that? I don't like going anywhere outside of my safety zones in college, let alone in my hometown, and the pub is way out of any of those zones.
But... but everybody else is there. And I mean everybody. I mean, I thought I would have InksGuy as my No-Pub buddy, somebody who could not go and in that convince me that I'm allowed to not go. Other people don't. I'm not as weird as I think. But then he ends up going last year, and if he wasn't so busy with work now he would still go. Even all the new year 12s are going. And so there's me, at home, by myself. And I just know that come Monday everybody will be talking about what happened at the pub and I'll just be sitting there clueless and everyone will be talking about their other friends they saw and aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh.
I'm at least not miserable when I'm with my friends. And I'm happy when I'm with her. But they're in a place where I'm naturally miserable, where I'm one wrong comment away from just breaking down and either screaming or crying. And this is the only chance I get to spend time with everybody. At college, yeah, sure, but I never get to see everyone together like this. Especially not my friend who got shipped off to the all girls school by parents who can't appreciate that they accidentally raised a hippy. And I could get to see Her there and maybe... I dunno, talk. Get things rolling or whatever.
But it's just there in the way. The Pub.
I could still go now but... well, how? After two weeks of very little sleep and a period of silently sobbing in a ball earlier today because of this, can I really bring myself to another late night without any guaranteed happiness in store?
It's just gonna be another night of crappy TV, some Spore and maybe watch those films InksGuy gave me.
Except it's a night without Her.

...somebody else post please? Just in case InksGuy comes on.
Having a real life friend on here is wonderful and all, but it kinda makes threads like these risks.

[Micate]

Jibar, I also despise bars because of all the people, and the noise, and the me-not-being-a-part-of-itness. In my experience, it hasn't been worth it either. Going with friends, I end up hunched over my drink scanning the room for whatever's wrong I sense is going to happen, even with all their best encouragement (it's hard for them not to notice how nervous I get in public, so I haven't had to tell them it's not my favorite thing to do).

That said, you can't let these things stop you. Decide when your in a good mood whether or not to go, and then no matter how you feel later, stick to your decision. Seeing your friends is a good thing, and if you're strong or lucky, you might just find yourself engaged in their conversation as part of the group. And then there's Her. I haven't been lucky enough to find a girl I like yet, but I'd gladly endure my fears for a chance at a relationship, if not just to boost my own self-confidence.

And to everyone here, *hugs*

[Almn]

Oh...and it seems this thread isn't blessed with boogying, but hugs. That certainly works for me. :smallsmile:

We're gonna boogie ooogie oggie till we just can't boogie no more!:smallsmile:

*sighs as he has just offended everyone and they hate him for it*
:smallfrown:

[Gem Flower]

Most of my friends are great and awesome, but this one girl... she's normally really fun and nice, but I sometimes get the feeling she's using me. I don't even know if she's dragging me down. I don't even know if I'm here venting or asking advice....:smallfrown:

[Kaelaroth]

Most of my friends are great and awesome, but this one girl... she's normally really fun and nice, but I sometimes get the feeling she's using me. I don't even know if she's dragging me down. I don't even know if I'm here venting or asking advice....:smallfrown:

Using you for what purpose? Is she trying to get in with your friends? Trying to mooch offof your money, popularity, or things? Trying to use you as a springboard to more popular things?

Jibar, matey, hope it all keeps going OK.

[Dallas-Dakota]

What ^ said.

Nobody may 'use' Gem Flower, you're way to cute, adorable and brilliant for that.


Feel free to send me a PM or if you want to chat via msn : [email protected]

[Gem Flower]

Using you for what purpose? Is she trying to get in with your friends? Trying to mooch offof your money, popularity, or things? Trying to use you as a springboard to more popular things?

Jibar, matey, hope it all keeps going OK.

I believe it's for my intelligence. We're both in an enrichment program, but it's her first year and she's not doing great.

@ dallas Apparently someone has. "Cute" is not the word in RL, and brilliance seems to be what she's using me for.

[Kaelaroth]

Gem:
Ah. Well. If she is, then you have to decide whether she's nastily copying you, or desperately trying to glean help from wherever she can. It can't be her fault if she's not as clever as you, and therefore the blame might be lessened should she just be trying to get help, but in a friendly way. Then, you have to decide, is it OK to be friends with someone when they rely on you? Or to be friends only when she needs you?

{Scrubbed}

[Lemur]

Jibar, what you need is a D&D group. All the benefits of a bar (hanging out with friends, freedom to act like a complete idiot) with none of the downsides (liver poisoning, getting shanked). All you have to do is to trick convince your friends into starting a game.

[ArlEammon]

Bor of course, knows what is wrong with me.... The gang rape thing at before the age of seven is kind of not pretty... It sits with me still today.

[Hawk7915]

Wow, thanks for the kind words everyone. I really appreciate it...between them and surviving this week of exams, I might actually, maybe, get a decent night's sleep tonight :smallbiggrin:. Specific stuff/more ranting and venting:

@ Bluewind: Yeah, I'd heard a little about that but I don't know a ton. I've heard that nanotechnology is really the way to go to help me, but like I said I don't know enough about my own problems to know if that's true. According to my surgeon, Tethered Spinal Cord is really rare, and I'm something of an oddity amongst other Tethered Cord patients :smalleek:. It's still a little heartening to hear that maybe some day there'll be a "cure" instead of just using stop-gap measures of narcotics, surgery, and the wheel chair like I am now.

@dallas: I should probably try to get a little more government money. State Disability covers 4/12 months of the year in terms of room and board, and my books. I still get to use my parents excellent health care, so that's not a concern (yet). I'm on a scholarship that covers my tuition so long as I'm a full-time student with a GPA of 3.0. The rest, I cover with loans...which puts me about $12,000 in the hole with a year and a half of school left :smallannoyed:. My real concern is if I missed next spring, I wouldn't be "full time", so I'd lose my scholarship...so yeah, I'll do an internets quest to find some more monetary support :smallsmile:

@Bor: You must be a psychic! A future psychic! Yeah, scar tissue is the primary concern...my doctor says that at this point, or in the near future, he'll probably do more harm than good when he cracks me open. At that point, he says I just have one last option; the "nuclear option": I ask him to break my back. Then, I'll have less pain and the nerve damage will be pretty much irrelevant as I'll be paralyzed from the waist down anyways. I was really, really hoping that I'd have, say, a decade to get through school, get a job, buy a house, pay some debts, raise a family, all of that before the nuke was all that was on the table...but no such luck, it seems. For once, I was actually not pessimistic enough :smallyuk:. At my age, I'd never take that option; I'd literally rather die than have to be permanently stuck in a chair. I know that's dumb and sort of selfish, there are a lot of people who don't have a choice...but I do, and I'd hate being paralyzed.

I haven't seen a pain specialist. My doctor has been...uncooperative about being honest and open and helpful outside of performing surgeries. He's one of the best in the USA, but he works primarily in a children's hospital so he doesn't have a lot of experience with an old man like me asking so many questions :smalltongue:. I've asked for referrals to a neurologist, or a pain clinic, or an orthopedic, and he says no...and I really don't want some random guy (or woman) poking around back there. I'm not sure what to do...I guess go over his head and find a new doctor? I wouldn't know where to begin...my parents tell me that when I was a baby, doctors would literally look at my file and say "nuh uh, no way, not touching that kid with a ten foot pole"....and I'm beginning to see some of that for myself now. Suggestions?

Meds...sigh...deny. I'm on a rotating regimen of various pain killers, muscle relaxers, and narcotics. I've proven to be extremely allergic to most medications designed to treat neurological problems (Lyrica, Amitryptiline, Neurontin, all spelled wrong :smallwink: ). so that compounds the problem. I also am on a stomach acid controlling pill, since 22 years of meds have shredded my digestive system. Long story short? I. HATE. MEDICATION. Despite the fact that I know full well that mental illness runs in my family (mother and brother are depressed, father, grandmother, and aunt are bipolar), I'd really prefer to avoid more pills. I'll take it under consideration, though :smallsmile:.

And now, though it be late-ish, my meager attempt at helping someone else rather than whining:
@Jibar
First time with all this so take my words with a large grain of salt
That's rough. I totally empathize with having trouble trusting other people, especially other people you're romantically interested in. I mean, you get so sick of living with your problems that it seems unfathomable that anyone else would want in on them, right? From what little I've seen though, I'm always amazed at how basically good people are. You said that She has a sister that's been through some troubles, so I'd think (hope, at least) that that would make her even more understanding. This thread is all about average people helping each other get by, and it seems to work...so why wouldn't she want to know about your problems, so you could both take care of each other? And if she just storms off? You deserve better, then. If She can't handle you at your worst...well, it's a cliched saying but I hope you get my point :smallsmile:.

The pub thing I'm afraid I can't be as helpful on. I used to (still do, actually) have a deep fear of public speaking, so I forced myself to join the Speech and Debate team. I threw up and paced and cried and lost sleep...but I did it. So that's all I can say, which I know is probably less-than-helpful :smalltongue:. If it helps, one trick I learned was to sort of bow your head down, take a deep breath, and look back up as a new person. Instead of being you, who is afraid and hates being in the Pub, be someone who really, really likes it. A professional bar fly, a master pub-goer.
Another novel tonight; sorry. I imagine as I keep talking, eventually I'll run out of things to say.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Wow, thanks for the kind words everyone. I really appreciate it...between them and surviving this week of exams, I might actually, maybe, get a decent night's sleep tonight :smallbiggrin:. Specific stuff/more ranting and venting:

@ Bluewind: Yeah, I'd heard a little about that but I don't know a ton. I've heard that nanotechnology is really the way to go to help me, but like I said I don't know enough about my own problems to know if that's true. According to my surgeon, Tethered Spinal Cord is really rare, and I'm something of an oddity amongst other Tethered Cord patients :smalleek:. It's still a little heartening to hear that maybe some day there'll be a "cure" instead of just using stop-gap measures of narcotics, surgery, and the wheel chair like I am now.

@dallas: I should probably try to get a little more government money. State Disability covers 4/12 months of the year in terms of room and board, and my books. I still get to use my parents excellent health care, so that's not a concern (yet). I'm on a scholarship that covers my tuition so long as I'm a full-time student with a GPA of 3.0. The rest, I cover with loans...which puts me about $12,000 in the hole with a year and a half of school left :smallannoyed:. My real concern is if I missed next spring, I wouldn't be "full time", so I'd lose my scholarship...so yeah, I'll do an internets quest to find some more monetary support :smallsmile:

@Bor: You must be a psychic! A future psychic! Yeah, scar tissue is the primary concern...my doctor says that at this point, or in the near future, he'll probably do more harm than good when he cracks me open. At that point, he says I just have one last option; the "nuclear option": I ask him to break my back. Then, I'll have less pain and the nerve damage will be pretty much irrelevant as I'll be paralyzed from the waist down anyways. I was really, really hoping that I'd have, say, a decade to get through school, get a job, buy a house, pay some debts, raise a family, all of that before the nuke was all that was on the table...but no such luck, it seems. For once, I was actually not pessimistic enough :smallyuk:. At my age, I'd never take that option; I'd literally rather die than have to be permanently stuck in a chair. I know that's dumb and sort of selfish, there are a lot of people who don't have a choice...but I do, and I'd hate being paralyzed.

I haven't seen a pain specialist. My doctor has been...uncooperative about being honest and open and helpful outside of performing surgeries. He's one of the best in the USA, but he works primarily in a children's hospital so he doesn't have a lot of experience with an old man like me asking so many questions :smalltongue:. I've asked for referrals to a neurologist, or a pain clinic, or an orthopedic, and he says no...and I really don't want some random guy (or woman) poking around back there. I'm not sure what to do...I guess go over his head and find a new doctor? I wouldn't know where to begin...my parents tell me that when I was a baby, doctors would literally look at my file and say "nuh uh, no way, not touching that kid with a ten foot pole"....and I'm beginning to see some of that for myself now. Suggestions?

Meds...sigh...deny. I'm on a rotating regimen of various pain killers, muscle relaxers, and narcotics. I've proven to be extremely allergic to most medications designed to treat neurological problems (Lyrica, Amitryptiline, Neurontin, all spelled wrong :smallwink: ). so that compounds the problem. I also am on a stomach acid controlling pill, since 22 years of meds have shredded my digestive system. Long story short? I. HATE. MEDICATION. Despite the fact that I know full well that mental illness runs in my family (mother and brother are depressed, father, grandmother, and aunt are bipolar), I'd really prefer to avoid more pills. I'll take it under consideration, though :smallsmile:.

Ok mate, being shy(it seems) may make this harder but. Confront your doctor. The first step to solving your problems is knowing them! Granted, it may seem scary, but you're the one who's feeling the pain and having the problems and if doctors are indeed that awkward you must try and get some info to get you a better solution. You deserve it.

/stupid speech....Yeah, I'm not great at public speaking either...

[Castaras]

Well, looks like that my fainting isn't just injections and that sorta stuff.

Was stuffy and humid when I had my eye test today. Add in bright lights and seeing weird stuff with your eyes and darkness and you have one collapsed Cassie. So I guess heat is something I have a more major problem with than I thought.

Going to be making an appointment with the doctor sometime in the future. Really need to check if there's any underlying problems that could be affecting this. Fainting really isn't fun. Maybe slightly better now because I can predict what's going to happen, and my recovery rate is very good (5 minutes of leaning on mum, then 5 minutes of walking around in the cold fresh air, and I was fine today), but it is really horrible to have to cope with it. :smallsigh:

Not needing advice, just needing to rant/complain to someone - anyone - about this. Thanks for reading.

[Gorbash Kazdar]

Comrade Gorby: Just dropping in to note a few things.

First, I edited my own quote on the first page to include and call out the fact that advocating violence against someone else is also a non-starter - definitely an oversight on my part. This includes when it's meant "in jest" - certain things we ask people not to joke about on these forums, because of the potential sensitivity of the topic and how easy it is for misunderstandings to arise.

Also, just a quick note to assuage any worries Bor may have. Many threads have generic guidelines (the You thread or Random Banter on this very board, for example), and we don't have a problem with that as long as it's not implied that those guidelines are official forum rules or supersede/conflict with the general forum rules. The ones for this thread are perfectly fine on both counts. In fact, all of the guidelines really would fit into the general Forum Rules - they're just explained in a way that's specific to this thread, which is a welcome clarification.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled thread. :smallwink:

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Not just red writing we can't ignore, but an adorable avatar. How can we resist? :smalltongue: Thank you for quelling my fears. I feel that much better.

Hawk7915: Because I, too, am chronically ill, part of which is chronic pain, you could say that I empathize a little easier than others. Scarring is an issue I can also relate to, as I scar very easily these days.

That your doctor isn't allowing you to explore other avenues of treatment is a BIG problem. Doctors only PRACTICE medicine because it is a field where new knowledge is always coming their way. Doctors that ran away from you years ago might welcome the opportunity to treat you now. He won't refer you? Start looking on your own. As I've told medical personel in the past, "I have a right to not be in pain, and if you won't help me, I'll find someone who will." It may take a lot of reserach and phone calls, but it's simply not possible for there to be only ONE doctor that can treat you.

Almn: We tend to be a patient lot here in the DT. We don't hate you. Although we might strongly dislike you for bringing that song out of the depths of our collective memories. :smalltongue:

Jibar: Emotional difficulties + Pub = BIGGER emotional difficulties. It's not just the social atmosphere, which you don't seem to enoy anyway, but that alcohol is a depressant. Those with emotional issues find them growing under the influence of alcohol. If you do start going in an attempt to be more social, stay clear of the booze.

As for the girl...I abstain from giving advice. You'd be in divorce court before you're even dating if I try to help. :smalleek:

Gem Flower: Friends can only use you or drag you down if you LET them. Sometimes you need to decide if someone in your life is doing more harm than good. Those that cause you harm are simply not worth the emotional investment. You can...

1. Talk to them and try to clear things up.

2. Slowly back away and let them fade from your life.

3. Run so fast that you leave a trail of flames behind you, leaving them to wonder where you vanished to.

I recommend number one in an effort to resolve matters and keep your friend. If that doesn't work, I leave it to you to decide if two or three is a viable option.

[Gem Flower]

@ ^: *reads* *lols* Seriously, though, thanks for the advice. I have no idea what to do right now, but I have a feeling I'll be giving this a lot of thought.:smallsmile:

Also; Yesterday, I realized all my faults in a sudden burst of reality. I felt depressed that I was such a shallow jerk. Now I'm just confused. I know what I'm supposed to now is realize all the good stuff about me, but I'm still stuck in "I'm a shallow jerk" area. Am I depressed?:smallconfused: I don't even know.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

A little of my own venting...


I had me a rough day, yesterday. Some new neighbors of mine have been out of control in terms of the noise they create. Since they've moved in, I've been the the apartment complex office every few days to lodge yet another complaint. esterday, they started up at 11:00 AM and acted like children for three hours straight, running around, shouting, shooting a pellet gun at each other, and blasting music. The culprits are a mother in her 40's (who claims to be disabled), her 19-year-old daughter (who would be infinitely more attractive is she had a brain), and some "friends."

To understand exactly how bad they were behaving, you have to know that thiese 40-year-old buildings are made with fire-walls dividing up each apartment. The neighbor next to me has admitted to vaccuuming her apartment at 2:00 AM, and I never heard a thing. The neighbor on the other side tends to listen to music and his television with the volume turned up. Unless their doors are open, I can't hear a thing.

Thanks to my PTSD, loud noises and I don't get along at all. It also makes me want to avoid any kind of confrontation. When I opened my door to find out what the heck was going on, one of the offending parties - some guy I didn't know - grinned at me and said, "It's daytime, so we don't have to be quiet." In other words, "The sun is up, so I don't have to be kind or considerate of others; I am allowed to be as rude as I want, and there's nothing you can do about it." :smallfurious:

Actually, he's VERY wrong. Arizona has "noise laws" that I double-checked online, and when it comes to the well-being of an individual, excessive noise can be considered illegal. Knowing this, I took the appropriate meds to calm me down, deciding that if the meds didn't work, I would call the police non-emergency line and make the complaint a legal issue...for my neighbors.

Of course, there's another comping method that I sometimes use. I "cartoonify" the situation. I mean, let's face it...Bugs Bunny (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jay6IQQqGnU) has all the answers when it comes to a fight of any kind. :smallbiggrin:

[Dallas-Dakota]

Gem : *hugs, lots of hugs*
Bor : I know how you feel. Loud noice and me also don't get along because of m' chronic migraine. Tip : Music or earplugs(Almost hit the submit button when I realized I made a typo and typed ''rearplug'':smalltongue:))

Also glueing the door stuck can be very satisfying, its not hard work and they'd have no clue its you.:smallwink:

[Ego Slayer]

Not exactly depressive, but there's no where else to put it.


For how much I say I don't do well socially, I'm finding its a bit of a lie. I might be scared <scrubbed>less of people, but compared to what I say and how I really act, there's quite a gap. I was thinking about the Jung typology stuff last night (2am, yeah that's when I do my thinking 9.9) and how I always placed myself as INFJ. So, Introverted, right. I guess I never knew how to answer the question "would you rather stay at home and ready a book or go out with friends?"... Well, for the longest time I thought the latter option sounded better. I wasn't giving socializing with my GitP friends enough weight. Even though I talk with them every night. For hours. Guess I had some reevaluation to do. The first time I took the test years ago I still has the "RL party with friends" option open. And I never took it. I guess I didn't consider the fact that I was going to be staying home and partaking in a different kind of social life. I took it again earlier. I just barely made it into E(xtrovert)NFJ, but it feels much more correct. I think I've been recently realizing how important friends are to me and how I need that socializing every evening.

I guess just because I feel I can be [severely] socially anxious sometimes, doesn't mean I'm as much as a recluse as I'd like to think. Though, I can abhor being with around people under... say, 25, sometimes (strangers, not friends). I'm so much more comfortable around older adults.

Learn something every day y'know?

[Castaras]

Ego?

I think you're another of my almost-twins. That's Exactly how I am.

[Darius Midnite]

"This is the strangest life I've ever known" - Jim Morrison.

That about explains how I'm feeling these days. If I'm not in deep despair I'm feeling sick. I can hardly watch television nor games, because almost any kind of stress that's thrown my way is meat with an averted gaze, stomach aches, excessive sighing and a building panic attack inside me (Aside with other symptoms, the doctor calls them "Psychosimatic"). It's the emptiness I think...that's making me weak of mind.
When I finally do feel alright, I question everything good that goes on around me, turning every kind greeting into harmful intentions. My drinking, having also ruined my stomach, only comes back to haunt me the following days, as I'm even weaker with hangovers. At that time I can't even talk to people without feeling weird, and if I find myself in a crowd, I'm close to passing out from "stress". I've been to several doctors who've declared me physically well, so at least that's not what's wrong. I'm currently in therapy, but every time I'm at session I feel that I'm not making progress. I'm too complex even for myself. So I been playing with the thought of starting on anti-depressing pills, which feels is like an defeat to me, sadly. I just can't figure it out anymore...

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Darius Midnite:

Medications are not a defeat unless all you do it take them and expect them to work miracles on their own. I've said it many times, and it's important to get this into your head: They are TOOLS that help you function.

Someone once referred to meds as a set of crutches that help you walk again. I've altered that perception in my mind, as some psych issues are permanent. Crutches help you to learn to walk again after a serious leg injury. But imagine your mental difficulties as being chronic and requiring the assistance of a cane. The medication is a cane that supports you when your mental legs suddenly weaken. Unlike a cane, however, people can't seen your psyche limping along when you're using meds.

Wait...an "invisible cane?" *runs to patent office* :smallwink:

It's important for you to work WITH the prescribing doctor. Psych meds can have effects that are undesirable. I am NOT trying to scare you off, but trying to make you aware things you need to tell your doctor about should they happen to you.

While in the hospital, they tried to put me on Prozac. Instead of easing me to the level they wanted me at, they raised the doses too quickly. I became uncontrollably aggressive and easily angered at the smallest incidents. It was only through the miracle of a moment of self-realization when I asked myself, "Why am I getting angry at these petty issues?" that *I* realized there was a problem.

As I would discover, that was the methods of the hospital doctors. Their "treat 'em and street 'em" attitude had them rushing through medications to see which one worked, but never gave the meds the proper time frame to start working. (These meds take four to six weeks to become truly effective. Don't expect miracles overnight.)

My other tale is actually amusing. My PCP wanted me to try a new anti-depressant. (I can't recall the name of it, and I can't find the name of it online; it must have been taken off the market.) This was back when I was living with Robin. Our apartment was literally across the street from a market. Our daily routine was that she and I would work during the day, she would drop me off at home, and then she would head for her night classes at a local community college. Since I'd been to the doctor that day, I picked her up at work, we went home, she gave me instructions of what to do to prepare dinner, (yes, I was well-trained), and then she went off to school. While she was away, I took the first pill from the samples the doc had given me.

Robin came home from school to find me in bed, curled into the fetal position, and crying hysterically. She was at my side as fast as possible, caressing my head and asking in a voice filled with worry, "My G-d, Rob...What's wrong?"

This was my very real, and very embarrassing response. Through my tears, I replied, "We don't have enough bread crumbs for dinner."

She actually smiled and said, "Oh, honey...you're PMSing." :smallredface:

Funny in retrospect, not funny at the time. It was a bad reation, and this is the kind of thing doctors should know. Such data helps them find the right medications for you, so any adverse emotional response (or lack thereof) that you have while on them is important to share with them.

My psych med miracle is Zoloft. Thoughts of suicide, hopelessness, devalued self-worth...they all lessen while I'm on it. The rest of the gap is filled when I do something with my life, such as making responses to this thread. I gain more value in my own eyes when I'm helping others. Positive responses, sometimes in the form of a little PM that says, "Thanks for caring," are the little things that help me stand upright and get through my day. :smallsmile:

So...Turning to meds is not surrendering. It's accepting the fact that your problems are medical in nature, but not physical like a broken bone or torn muscle. I wish you luck in your quest for relief. :smallsmile:

[Darius Midnite]

Hm, that does set things in perspective. Thanks Bor, oh great guru.

[Lord Tataraus]

Well, it has been a long while since I've post in the DT thread, but that isn't to say things were better. After roughly two weeks solid of constant anxiety and innumerable mild anxiety attacks plus a major one in class (oh that was definitely fun with my social anxiety) I finally got to a psychiatrist and got a Xanax prescription which has made my life a whole lot easier, I'll be anxiety free for two weeks on Thursday. Not to say I don't get nervous a lot, but at least no I can actually control my self and calm my self down which was just impossible before. So, my life is actually being good for now and I'm moving on to other things, specifically my lack of assertiveness which is turning out to be really difficult, but my psychologist seems to know what his talking about and hopefully I can start to get over that barrier.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Lord Tataraus: Be VERY careful with Xanax. Use it strictly as your doctor prescribes it, or, as is my case, LESS than the doctor prescribes it. After telling my doctor that I only used two 1 mg. tablets a day, he wrote for one such dose every six hours. As a result, I last filled my prescription 17 July, and still have a couple of weeks left in the bottle. It's a narcotic, and can be dangerous if used too much or improperly.

Just a word a caution.

Darius Midnite: "Great guru?" You didn't have to travel far to gain my wisdom; you just logged on to the net. :smalltongue:

Still, I am wondering, Grasshopper...what perspective did you gain? Was it positive or negative?

After you've answered that, you must take this grain of sand from my palm. :smallbiggrin:

[potatocubed]

After you've answered that, you must take this grain of sand from my palm. :smallbiggrin:

Because Lord knows, if there's one thing you need to take away from Arizona, it's sand. :smalltongue:

[Lord Tataraus]

Lord Tataraus: Be VERY careful with Xanax. Use it strictly as your doctor prescribes it, or, as is my case, LESS than the doctor prescribes it. After telling my doctor that I only used two 1 mg. tablets a day, he wrote for one such dose every six hours. As a result, I last filled my prescription 17 July, and still have a couple of weeks left in the bottle. It's a narcotic, and can be dangerous if used too much or improperly.

Just a word a caution.

For on thing its .5mg time release, the psychiatrist wanted to start with a low dosage. Also, luckily my aunt is a nurse who lives an hour away from my college and her husband has been taking Xanax for a few years so I'm covered.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

For one thing its .5mg time release, the psychiatrist wanted to start with a low dosage. Also, luckily my aunt is a nurse who lives an hour away from my college and her husband has been taking Xanax for a few years so I'm covered.
Excellent. I was just making sure. And for the record, .25 mg. is the lowest dose, so if you find it knocking you out, contact your doctor and ask if you can split the tablet. Let me stress that: TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR FIRST! The pharmacology of some tablets doesn't allow for them to be split, as a time release component might be in one half of the tablet, with other ingredients in the other half.

And I'm just trying to be helpful. It seems people online are more appreciative of my efforts that the people around me. :smallfrown:

[Mordokai]

Usually, you should have no problems with splitting those pills in a half. That's what we advise every patient ever since we ran out of Helex .25(a parallel of Xanax) and had to switch to .5 instead. Most of them seem to take it well. But yeah, consult your doctor, to be 100% sure.

[Dallas-Dakota]

And I'm just trying to be helpful. It seems people online are more appreciative of my efforts that the people around me. :smallfrown:
No offense to any RL people Bor but I know I am, because you seriously helped me out. *hugs*

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Usually, you should have no problems with splitting those pills in a half. That's what we advise every patient ever since we ran out of Helex .25(a parallel of Xanax) and had to switch to .5 instead. Most of them seem to take it well. But yeah, consult your doctor, to be 100% sure.


No offense to any RL people Bor but I know I am, because you seriously helped me out. *hugs*

Thanks, folks. A little validation goes a long way. I was dreading having to step out and run errands, but not feel a surge of energy to get things done. Thank, and *HUGS!* :smallsmile:

[Darius Midnite]

Darius Midnite: "Great guru?" You didn't have to travel far to gain my wisdom; you just logged on to the net. :smalltongue:

Still, I am wondering, Grasshopper...what perspective did you gain? Was it positive or negative?

After you've answered that, you must take this grain of sand from my palm. :smallbiggrin:

Well, it's a positive aspect I've never thought considering. But then again, I'm having hard times seeing the positive side of anything, even when I try hard to *Sigh*:smallsigh: Oh well. *Groin kick, takes grain from the crumbling Bor who's going fetal* I believe in a direct approach to things...:smallamused::smalltongue:

[Zeful]

I got to thinking again. It's never a good thing when I start thinking because I generally can't stop, and without something interesting to distract my thoughts it generally ends up being about my life, then about the fact I have no friends, then about the fact that I'm attention starved, then about the fact that I'm generally ignored. By everyone. To the point where people have tripped over me not knowing I was there despite just recently just finishing talking to me. Some of it's my fault, I'm a quiet personality and I learned to move very quietly during middle school (I was board and it was the only thing to do between classes). I know wear a calliper with keys and other shiny metal bits so I make some noise while I walk and stop scaring people half to death when I show up.

It goes down-hill from there. I have self-esteem issues. Massive self-esteem issues. I think nothing of myself. I marginalize my own skills, passing whatever off as nothing important or "a fluke" to quote myself. I manage to find the best about everything (and one) around me but cannot see any good qualities about myself. This leads to days where I can't look at myself in the mirror without hating my own reflection. That is something I couldn't wish upon my worst enemy. To hate others is human, to hate one's self is monstrous.

I'm also no good with other people. I can't talk much unless it's about things like an Alien invasion or Zombie Apocalypse, or other "Designated Nerd Topic". I'm also trying to teach myself the social skills most people learn at 10 from their friends. All I learned to do was threaten people with interesting forms of physical injury. I can't play sports either so there goes 90% of the population of the planet. The people that are left are generally bookworms like myself, but well, none of them would like me anyway, I don't like me, why the hell should they? Then there are girls, some days I can talk to a girl I'm interested in like a normal, if slightly out of touch, person. Other days my mouth won't work. Then there's the fact that the women I've tried to open up to have all moved away. The only thing resembling some form of affection from the opposite gender come from two girls in middle school that were honestly nice to me, granted they were very flirty and physical. They were called on it eventually and simply responded with "He may no look like much now, but give him a few years and he'll be a knockout." In front of the entire class, which laughed for nearly ten full minutes. All at the concept of me ever being good looking. Nearly 5 years later, I'm still the unattractive lout I've always been.

Of course all this isolation has left me with an inability to be in physical contact with another human being in any matter other than combat. It hurts. Imagine a burn but without the heat. That's what it feels like if my mother touches me. For someone with the self-esteem and affection issues I have it prevents me from getting better. If I can't accept a consoling touch when I need it, then how do I get better? How will I be able to trust another when physical contact of any form causes me pain?

This all of course leads up to suicidal thoughts, there are days when I actually want to die. Most days I end up going over a list of those that would miss me if I would die... the list is very, very short. Of course I over analyse these thoughts as well, leaving me with knowledge of what the slitting of my throat would feel like. The numbness that would set in my limbs as my blood pours into my lungs. I can imagine every single gruesome detail of any kind of death. Which leads me to the only good part about me thinking about my life. I could never actually commit suicide. Forcing me to live out whatever life has in store for me.

[Dragonrider]

:smallfrown:

I hate my life.

Pretty much...no reason. I wake up every morning with an awful feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach because I have to get up, eat, go to school, do homework, do sports. There's nothing I LOOK FORWARD to. In order to feel happy about my body I need to run in the mornings (3 mi usually), but because I haven't done it in a week, I don't feel good enough about myself to want to get up early enough. And school just plain sucks. My Spanish teacher is the only one I like.

One of my karate instructors once said, "I don't think (my name) ever has a bad day. If I'm stressed about work I come to the dojo and she always has a smile and she just cheers me right up."

I remember thinking "...yeah, that's sweet of you, but clearly I'm a better actor than I think I am."

So. yeah. I've had issues with an eating disorder in the past, and this morning when I got up, for the first time in a while I had an urge to just 'not eat' because I didn't have the energy to battle with myself over what I was GOING to eat. I forced it down and had some food anyway, but between school, sports, relationships, etc., my resistance to the Voice In My Head that stomps my self esteem (you'refatyou'refatyou'refat no one likes you) is pretty low and it's making things that much worse.

God...eight more months of this.....

And I have to go to school now.

*cries*

[Castaras]

DR...

*gives many cuddles*


You are not fat. No way are you fat. I've seen your pictures, you're as skinny as I am, and I'm close to underweight for my height - you're shorter, and as such, you look to be perfect weight.

And for crappy days like that... All I can suggest is looking forward to something in the future.

For instance: I have had quite a few problems with slight depression with the fact that I have to stay in school for another 3 years if I'm to go to Uni. I don't like school for the fact that I have to endure certain peoples teasing - or, that I am always nervous of that happening, which means my school-life feels crap alot of the time. I've managed to control that by simply thinking about what's happening in the future. Things that I'm looking forward to. Things that can keep me going through the day. Half-term, weekends, holidays, Christmas, chances to see my fox again, etc., etc.

It's very good that you're doing exercise though. Regular Exercise, Eating, and Sleeping patterns can help. For me, regular daily schedule patterns help make me happier as well. Maybe it'll work for you.

Music is brilliant as well. Feeling depressed at school? Get an mp3 player, a couple of spare batteries, fill up the mp3 player with all the music that makes you happy, and play that when you feel awful.

Hope it helps. *more hugs*

[Dallas-Dakota]

:smallfrown:

I hate my life.

Pretty much...no reason. I wake up every morning with an awful feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach because I have to get up, eat, go to school, do homework, do sports. There's nothing I LOOK FORWARD to. In order to feel happy about my body I need to run in the mornings (3 mi usually), but because I haven't done it in a week, I don't feel good enough about myself to want to get up early enough. And school just plain sucks. My Spanish teacher is the only one I like.

One of my karate instructors once said, "I don't think (my name) ever has a bad day. If I'm stressed about work I come to the dojo and she always has a smile and she just cheers me right up."

I remember thinking "...yeah, that's sweet of you, but clearly I'm a better actor than I think I am."

So. yeah. I've had issues with an eating disorder in the past, and this morning when I got up, for the first time in a while I had an urge to just 'not eat' because I didn't have the energy to battle with myself over what I was GOING to eat. I forced it down and had some food anyway, but between school, sports, relationships, etc., my resistance to the Voice In My Head that stomps my self esteem (you'refatyou'refatyou'refat no one likes you) is pretty low and it's making things that much worse.

God...eight more months of this.....

And I have to go to school now.

*cries*
I like you.
We like you.
Remember DR, we may be just people from the internet, we may be just muppets, we may be just bots from google but WE. LIKE. YOU.
I hope that came across, DR you're a wonderfull person.
And we'l always be there for you.
Just when it looks like you have nothing to get out of bed for, get out of bed to go on gitp, and then go on with your schedule. 'kay?

[Dragonrider]

@Cassie: Thanks. :smallsmile: It's a weird double standard I hold myself to. On one hand, I intellectually know that I don't look any different than a month ago, but part of me goes paranoid and shrieks, "these jeans are tighter than they were yesterday, I know it! I hate myself!" ....nonsensical.

But I threw away my tape measure last week. Yay me.


D-D: I'll do my best. :smallwink: And thank you.

[ZombieRockStar]

Continuing on from a discussion from last thread:


*snip*

Okay, yeah. As a coping mechanism, I can see how it basically works, but, what Trog said here got me thinking:


I think mostly you do it for attention. To get people to like you maybe? I dunno. But it' not really a theory. I think it's some sort of coping mechanism for sure. (Emphasis mine)

Upon reflection, the biggest theme in David Foster Wallace's work was the horrible inability to communicate with anyone else, living your life in a sort of isolated solipsism. Possibly humour as a way of trying to reach other people? Laughter is the language of the soul or something like that?

I'll give an example: one of the scenes that struck me most from his novel, Infinite Jest, is when one character describes to another how his father gradually became completely obsessed with M*A*S*H, and eventually started writing letters to the characters of the show. The characters, not the actors (it was hate mail to Major Frank Burns, iirc), and, of course, getting no reply. Meanwhile, he becomes completely isolated in the real world to his family, just continually watching M*A*S*H (which, apparently, was on constantly in the late 70's as either new episodes or repeats in syndication).

So, we have this really funny scene of a guy getting wrapped up in a TV show, but the point of it is this horrible scene of isolation and non-communication...the guy can only communicate to these characters on a show, and never gets a reply. And reading into that...you know, the idea of suicide as a cry for help: one last desperate act to try and find somebody who understands.

Reflecting upon how this applies to my situation...I'm a really really shy person. It's part of this persona I've tried to create for myself. I'm also much more aware of myself than I am about others. It's part of being a Jungian introvert. But I am, basically, a people person, I find. I need other people to be around and feel connected to, that the one thing I really, really need is another person I can really communicate everything with. That I can understand and be understood by (not incidentally, the one "habit" in that stupid book I don't think is feel-good motivational bs).

And, maybe in this respect I'm not really a good friend...I'll have people reaching out to me and I won't bother to reach back sometimes...even on the forum, some friends I really appreciate like Amotis or Serp or Rawhide or Bookman or Gezina (I haven't talked to her in months...I miss her). And I've barely talked to them lately. It's just...sometimes it feels like I have no idea how to break out of this solipsism...like I don't know how to really communicate what I need to.

I dunno...I keep feeling incredibly isolated while knowing that I have friends who care about me, wanting to feel part of a community like on here, but feeling so awkward about posting or just not connected to anyone here.

*sigh* I wish I had hours to clarify this, 'cause it feels like I'm babbling, but I have to go to work.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Zeful:

Until a commercial for Cymbalta came along, I had no idea depression could cause physical pain. That sounds like what you're experiencing. Now, I have no knowledge of this medication or others that might relieve such a symptom, but it clearly indicates, to me, at least, that you need to talk to a doctor. Be it a PCP or a psychiatrist, you should definitely seek out medical attention to address your problems. I'll stress this again, because it seems like everything you've writter is serious enough to warrant it: SEE A DOCTOR!

I envy Smellie Hippie to a degree, as he handles teen difficulties on a daily basis with what appears to be a degree of ease. Today's teenager is not the teenager I was way back when. Only one thing remains the same, and that is that adolesence is a storm of hormones that disrupts behavior. How teens weather that storm results in what kind of adults they become.

My teen years were filled with anger perpetually present in my house, rebellion against a chronic illness that had me hospitalized so many times I lost count after 50, and constant rejection by the people I called friends. Thus, when I was officially considered an adult, I was a BAD adult. As one ex of mine described me, I was "rude insulting, loud, and obnoxious; warm, caring, and extremely affectionate." (Wow...I can't remember I remembered that, word for word, more than two decades later.) Such contradictions make for a messy human overall.

People seem to think I popped out of the womb glowing from all the goodness contained within. (An exaggeration, I assure you.) I turned 18 and was loosed on the world as a grown-up that was in conflict with himself. Undiagnosed with any kind of mental illness, with only the occasional reference revealed to me, I spent a lot of time hurting people emotionally. It wasn't until a decade later that I STARTED becoming who I am today.

And my time in a psych ward was a real wake up call. The "drunken bum who should sober up and get a job" became someone with a real problem, and I learned the dangers of self-medicating through others. Trapped in such a ward for 97 days, I saw one such person hospitalized FOUR TIMES because his problems were beyond his capacity to control.

So why am I telling you all of this, Zeful? Because life is a journey. All of the roads are long and bumpy. Some of them are up-hill climbs all the way. The things is, there are prizes awaiting at the end of each part of the journey. An education. A job. Someone to love. Friends. The greatest prizes can't be bought with money. The come at the price of struggling through and making it to the end of the various paths life presents.

Talk to your parents, even if it means telling them you'd rather keep them to yourself until you talk to a doctor, then TALK TO A DOCTOR!

You know where to find us when yu need us. :smallsmile:

ZRS:

I have told you before, and I will tell you again, this time publically: music is your way through.

In "real life": Go to a cafe, set up a Chess board, and bring an accoustic guitar. Sit back and play whatever comes to mind, and you will find people gravitating toward you, if only to hear what you're playing. Perhaps a game of Chess will break out. The connection that you need with people will come if you use those tools that are already with you.

Online: Your musical abilities are still the answer. You have a wonderful outlet for those emotions that you experience, from the glorious happy end of the spectrum to the depressive, self-destructive end. Break out the guitar and play your negative emotions out, making an attempt to move yourself toward something better. Then pop online when you reach that improved mood and communicate.

Here, again, is my envy. I have known people with musical talent, specifically with various instruments, and there is a form of expression that surpasses mere words. Beauty, anger, sadness...It can all come from a sound without words. To me, that's amazing.

It makes me wonder why you're looking so hard at humor? Do you think there is some kind of hidden power in joking around that will make you a better person? If you are, I must say that trying to change who and what you are might be too difficult. You might want to consider that the "ancient poet" that you are is the best thing you can be, and you should be happy with that. :smallsmile:

[Alien]

And, maybe in this respect I'm not really a good friend...I'll have people reaching out to me and I won't bother to reach back sometimes...even on the forum, some friends I really appreciate like Amotis or Serp or Rawhide or Bookman or Gezina (I haven't talked to her in months...I miss her). And I've barely talked to them lately. It's just...sometimes it feels like I have no idea how to break out of this solipsism...like I don't know how to really communicate what I need to.

I dunno...I keep feeling incredibly isolated while knowing that I have friends who care about me, wanting to feel part of a community like on here, but feeling so awkward about posting or just not connected to anyone here.

*sigh* I wish I had hours to clarify this, 'cause it feels like I'm babbling, but I have to go to work.


Wow.
I know exactly how that is.
I found some old classmates on facebook, that i hardly spoke to but longed to hang out with, and one of them even wrote to me. Last january. I haven't managed to write back yet, and feel like such a piece of crap. I just stare at the empty message and my mind is blank. And time ticks by, and I'm sure it's already too late.

[Pyrian]

*cries*Aw, Dragonrider, you're beautiful and we love you. :smalleek: But if you really have nothing to look forward to at any given time, maybe it would help to pursue an interest or hobby that really appeals to you? Even if it means putting aside some of the things that you "should" do that keep you busy but sans enjoyment in life. It's not worth it, IMO, to completely submerge your life in the things you "should" do but don't enjoy.

[Ego Slayer]

@Dragonrider


Pretty much...no reason. I wake up every morning with an awful feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach because I have to get up, eat, go to school, do homework, do sports. There's nothing I LOOK FORWARD to. In order to feel happy about my body I need to run in the mornings (3 mi usually), but because I haven't done it in a week, I don't feel good enough about myself to want to get up early enough. And school just plain sucks. My Spanish teacher is the only one I like.
Regarding the "nothing to look forward to" thing... Yeah, I got that when I started my first class, back in August. I was already on months of not sleeping well, and had to get up three hours earlier than I usually was (which, as I've said before, has totally screwed things up more, even though it was only two days a week). It's a pretty sickening feeling to wake up and having nothing to drag yourself through the day with. I don't know exactly how long this lasted, but it was a trying couple of weeks. Finally the only thing I found that I based whether it was worth making it through the day on was getting to come home to a couple of gitp friends who were either willing to hear me rant (I think I owe Zeratul a mountain of cookies), or were just sure to make me smile or laugh. Still, though, they're all I've got right now. I haven't got any long term plans or projects to pull me through the day. Even the other 5 school-less days (and next semester I'm going to have more classes, I might just drop dead), I need to be helped along.

Have some friends who you could set some sort of "relaxing" activity up with? For a few weeks there, like... every night, I played Scrabble with a couple particular Gitpers. Sometimes multiple games. :P It was at least one little enjoyable thing in an ocean of depressing crap.

*huggles Dragon* :smallfrown:

[Inhuman Bot]

:smallfrown:

I hate my life.

Pretty much...no reason. I wake up every morning with an awful feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach because I have to get up, eat, go to school, do homework, do sports. There's nothing I LOOK FORWARD to. In order to feel happy about my body I need to run in the mornings (3 mi usually), but because I haven't done it in a week, I don't feel good enough about myself to want to get up early enough. And school just plain sucks. My Spanish teacher is the only one I like.

God...eight more months of this.....

And I have to go to school now.

*cries*

YEah.... thats like my problem...

Well....

Luck...

[Dragonrider]

Ego, Pyrian...thanks. :smallsmile:

There are certainly things I enjoy doing a LOT - writing stories and reading being at the top of the list - but they also require BRAINPOWER. I've played about 50 games of solitaire in the last two days, though, and that's helped me unwind. Guess I'll have to make it work somehow.

[Felixaar]

Doc, your not fat and even if you were it wouldn't matter. And saying no one likes you is crazy, I can't see how anyone could NOT like you.

It's the kind of thing that makes you just want to sit down and never sit up again, isn't it? Just to relax... forever... I suppose. Well, don't give up.

[Silence]

I got to thinking again. It's never a good thing when I start thinking because I generally can't stop, and without something interesting to distract

*snip*

ich leads me to the only good part about me thinking about my life. I could never actually commit suicide. Forcing me to live out whatever life has in store for me.

I'm terribly sorry I can't offer any advice, but what I can offer, I'll give. I read your post; the whole thing, and I sympathize for you. Good luck and best wishes.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Ego, Pyrian...thanks. :smallsmile:

There are certainly things I enjoy doing a LOT - writing stories and reading being at the top of the list - but they also require BRAINPOWER. I've played about 50 games of solitaire in the last two days, though, and that's helped me unwind. Guess I'll have to make it work somehow.
On Ego's advcie : I wouldn't mind a game of scrabble every night, though I'm not sure how that would work out with the internet and time zones.:smallconfused:

Bor, I've just read your latest blog-post. You know what would be great gifts for us? Sound-proof walls.

[Ego Slayer]

No matter what I say now, one day I'm going to give Ego a bullet. I swear I will. And they'll lock me up for it. I don't care.

More seriously... I'm so sick of how I act, and god I could change some things so easily had I the wisdom and will to do it. I know quite exactly where situations will end up, yet I still make the conscious choice to act in a way which leads to nowhere good... how many times am I going to do the same things over and over before I learn to just suck it up? :smallmad: I get angry and then I get depressed, and then I push people away because I think I want to be alone... and then I AM left alone and feel like **** for it.

Now I'm angry, depressed and consequently alone, and angry with myself for even getting myself into that position in the first damn place. Basically I screw myself over knowing it's the wrong decision, and I still do it. WHY?! :smallfurious:

[Thanatos 51-50]

More seriously... I'm so sick of how I act, and god I could change some things so easily had I the wisdom and will to do it. I know quite exactly where situations will end up, yet I still make the conscious choice to act in a way which leads to nowhere good... how many times am I going to do the same things over and over before I learn to just suck it up? :smallmad: I get angry and then I get depressed, and then I push people away because I think I want to be alone... and then I AM left alone and feel like **** for it.

Now I'm angry, depressed and consequently alone, and angry with myself for even getting myself into that position in the first damn place. Basically I screw myself over knowing it's the wrong decision, and I still do it. WHY?! :smallfurious:

This is a fun one:smallamused:. Mostly because its my standard mode of operation. (I swear I'm neither robot nor cyborg... citizen.)

Okay, so first - is this "pushing people away" thing a reflex? Reflexes can be "drilled out". Its difficult, especially one so subtle as pushing people away, you have to catch yourself in the act and then say something like "Whoa, sorry - I wasn't thinking straight.". Also, ranting helps clear the angry and depressed head.

Secondly, the root takes place in these recurring problems. Not knowing what the recurring problems are, all I can reccommend is noting the pattern, noticing the pattern, and then breaking the pattern into little teeeeeny tiny pieces.
If you still end up with a problem, at the very least, it'll be at least slightly different, neh?

As always, heres your complimentary shaker of salt. My solution may not work for you, but at least its something to work off if it at least pushes in the "right" direction.

[Ego Slayer]

Okay, so first - is this "pushing people away" thing a reflex? Reflexes can be "drilled out". Its difficult, especially one so subtle as pushing people away, you have to catch yourself in the act and then say something like "Whoa, sorry - I wasn't thinking straight.". Also, ranting helps clear the angry and depressed head.
I have said (typed, 98% of my socializing is on the webnets 9.9) things to people where I know, as I'm typing, that I'm doing the wrong thing, and know that it's going to end in my stomping away, and possibly their signing-off (and then my feeling like crap for showing no appreciation for the fact that someone cared about how I was doing... but NO, I'm in the kind of bitchy bad mood where I need to simultaneously need to be held AND storm away. Makes me feel like a crappy friend, too.) I don't often chose the whole "storming away" deal, but when I do, it doesn't feel as good as I thought it should. :smallsigh:

[bluewind95]

Ego, something that might help is working a bit on your self image. It's harder to break bad habits when you expect yourself to be bad and everything.



I'm feeling completely dead inside. I tried doing stuff... I bought myself a violin, I've dedicated at least an hour a day to it, I've tried interesting myself in things... but nothing can change my extremely low self-esteem (can it even be called ESTEEM at this point, I wonder...)
I've also been bad... all this week I've run away from friends, and I've been hiding... I know at least one was worried... for a few days, anyhow. He later stopped trying to contact me.
Even the cat seems to feel something is wrong. She's not much of a company cat, being a wild creature, but she has been sleeping in my room or at my feet most of this week, and has also cried to be let into my room in the mornings. This isn't quite out of comfort... there's plenty of more comfortable places in the house, and she never before had been sleeping in my room like this. I made a bed for her, a pillow that I don't use, and she's sleeping there right now. But even her company is little comfort... it still doesn't change how bad I am, or the fact that I still don't have a job, nearly a month after I graduated, and that prospects aren't looking great, or that I'm being a horrible and heavy burden financially to my parents due to medical insurance not to mention an emotionally terrible burden for my friends, due to how frail my mental state is, they know I could just take my life at any moment. Not that I'm far from that at all.

And the reason I really ran away from my friends? Merely because I've been following up on a plan which has few chances of being successful, but if it is, it can most certainly end my life, and in a way no one would ever guess I caused. I ran off so no one could talk me out of it.
Anyways, yeah... it should help if you could address the self-image issues first. They might just be the root of it all.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Bluewind, I strongly encourage you to snap out of that white-text nonsense were I nearby and knew who you were, you would be finding yourself slapped for it.
Hard.

Low Self-esteem isn't an excuse to white-text. My self esteem hovers quite safely between zero and negetive thirteen on an undertermined scale, with "zero" being non-existant.
I'm serious, don't do it.

I doubt ou'll take up the offer, but I endeavour to keep my PM box open, especially for white-text.

[Ego Slayer]

Yeah, my self-esteem is just about zero. I only have what people can throw at me, and even the effects of apparently being awesome don't last very long, especially since I suck at taking compliments... I mostly try to edge around them, or deny it.

Jeeze.

[bluewind95]

Aye, Ego. That probably would be the root of it, then.
It's got low chances of working, Thanatos... but it was worth a shot.
I heard once that when one feels that way, the mind itself seems to strive to keep things according to that self view. Which means that you'll fall into such patterns as you've noticed. Hence why you should work on that first.

[Ego Slayer]

Yeah. I know it's the root of a lot of things. :smallconfused:

Also... I don't think that needing to express angry when one is angry is angry is a self esteem thing. I know the hole I'm digging, but I need to do something, and that something very well me be snapping at people who mean a great deal to me. It often happens when I find myself in a situation where whatever I'm feeling is not easily explainable to the person in question... so instead of trying to put my thoughts into order, I stomp off...

[Dallas-Dakota]

Ego, you sound like somebody needs to confront you, that you can rant to that person. That that person will hold on to you and let you rant to that person, running away is only avoiding the coming confrontation. Someday it's gotta get out y'know.

Me being unable to help you makes me sad.....:smallfrown:

[Shraik]

I've somehow managed to lose most of the respect my friend had for me. He used to look up to me, and he used to consider me a role model effectively. I feel I've let him down, because of these past few days I've been feeling miserable, and somethings have been going on, he's lost almost all of his respect for me, and I've finally managed to do something of my own actions that negatively effects me greatly

@V: Bor's basic idea of exploding when people are asking stuff why your so great is why I lost respect for my friend. I never really understood why, when I personally thought he was the better man, and it lead to us arguing.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Hmmm...I seem to have missed a few things during my extremely busy Friday. The 3rd of every month is my day to "run" errands, as that's when my Social Security check arrives. By the time I look at my bank balance at the end of the day, I have to fight the urge to cry. $200 to last me 30 days? And I haven't even paid the phone bill yet! Whose idea of a joke is this, anyway? :smalleek:

Ego:

This is what I'm getting so far. You run into a situation where conflict is a potential. You recognize said potential and know how your own actions will influence the outcome. Then, in that moment of realization, you choose the wrong thing to do? :smallconfused:

Someone recently came to me with a similar problem, specifically pertaining to online communication. My question to this person was, "If you know it's wrong, and there's an enforced pause between typing and submitting a reply, why on Earth would you ALLOW yourself to hurt other people?" The response of "I don't know" didn't fly with me. As the discussion went on, it seemed that the negative online responses were an attempt at SOME KIND of control.

I personally believe that humans strive for some kind of control over the aspects of their lives. Many of those things are beyond our ability to choose. We cannot choose out parents, our height, our medical conditions...and so we seek something we CAN control. "Other people" is the easiest answer. And it is infinitely easier to make others upset than to make them happy.

Here's the problem: when we try to manipulate others, we usually know in the moment before we do something regretable that our immediate actions are going to be a mistake. That knowledge is cause for us to stop, rethink our actions, and do the right thing. Admittedly, doing the right thing can be a thankless job. For all the times I've been thanked by parents when redirecting children, back to their parents' sides, I have also been ignored or even given a speech that I am not the kids' parent. In that latter instances, I am sorely tempted to say with dripping sarcasm, "You're right. Arizona, the kidnapping capitol of the United States, where children vanish over the Mexican border, never to be heard from again, is definitely the wrong place to be protective of children. What was I thinking?" Instead, I say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry. Just trying to keep the kids safe," and then I walk away.

Your need to do something doesn't have to be you snapping at people. How about pausing a moment to explain how someone else's actions are upsetting you? If you can't find the words due to excessive anger, why not make an effort to remain silent until such time as you can explain how you feel? These actions may not have the instant gratification of "doing something" as snapping and storming away, but they ARE actions.

My ex, Robin, did something like this before we'd even started dating. She and I met in college, and we were hanging out with a bunch of my male friends, when I made a lewd joke that had all the other guys staring at me with mouths agape. When asked how I could say something like that in front of Robin, I declared her to be "just one of the guys," and that I meant no harm. Well, Robin understood that much, but that didn't stop her from asking for a private word with me. She had every reason to blow up at me. Instead, she calmly explained that the loss of 90% of her left leg had already made her feel less feminine. She would never again have her gorgeous dancer legS, but, at best, a nice leG. Because of this, she politely, but firmly, asked that I never call her "one of the guys" again.

Food for thought, my dear. My PM box remains open if you want to take this further and/or privately. (Not sure if that would help mre, but there's the offer.) :smallsmile:


bluewind95:

Since I know others will open this spoiler, I'm going to address you folks first. You see, what you may or may not know is that Blue is one of the beautiful people. No, not Halle Berry beautiful, but intelligent, charming, life-loving beautiful. Everyone gets another chance. Everyone is deserving of caring. And when evil people come her way, she is more easily affected than many others. She won't listen to me, but she's wonderful. :smallwink:

Now, Blue...I have just told the world at large (or anyone who bothered to open the spoiler), that you are a great person. I just might know you a bit better than others around these parts. If you are seriously considering suicide, I strongly urge you to get yourself to a hospital. You need serious help, and telling us you've been plotting the end of your life makes us worry A LOT! I don't know about others, but I'm not saying this because it's simply the right thing to say. I'm saying it because I care.

Think about your family. Do you think they will celebrate your passing? What happens if they learn it was a suicide and not an accident, as you seem to suggest? What if you fail and become permanently crippled in some way? Do you think you'll feel better afterward?

So, my dear. You need to get yourself help. SERIOUS help. The fact that you have a plan in mind makes it that much more serious. Please...if not for a friend like me, do it for your loved ones.


On self-esteem:

Not sure if anyone read the thread when it was my turn on "Get to know a Playgrounder," but I basically lost it when people would ask how/why I was so wonderful. I blew an emotional fuse in a post that basically made an effort to deny that I'm some major force of good on the planet. (This was "helped" by the fact that I had fallen off my meds at the time.)

Maybe it's part of my emotional illness. Some may not believe it, as I seem so positive and caring when I usually post, but I suffer from severe depression. I have to struggle to take a compliment graciously, and often fail, denying what others think are facts. If ever I call myself wonderful, I often believe I'm joking. And I can make various arguments against "the wonder that is Bor." If I'm so great, why am I perpetually single? If my writing is so good, why haven't I sold anything? If I'm so smart, why didn't I complete my college education?

And so I try not to dwell on these things. I find distractions to keep my mind in neutral. Beyond that, I have no real answers. I wish I did, because I'd be the first to jump on the advice. My sharing all of this is to let people know that you're not alone; my self-esteem also sucks. :smallfrown:

[Ego Slayer]

Ego:

This is what I'm getting so far. You run into a situation where conflict is a potential. You recognize said potential and know how your own actions will influence the outcome. Then, in that moment of realization, you choose the wrong thing to do? :smallconfused:

Someone recently came to me with a similar problem, specifically pertaining to online communication. My question to this person was, "If you know it's wrong, and there's an enforced pause between typing and submitting a reply, why on Earth would you ALLOW yourself to hurt other people?" The response of "I don't know" didn't fly with me. As the discussion went on, it seemed that the negative online responses were an attempt at SOME KIND of control.

I personally believe that humans strive for some kind of control over the aspects of their lives. Many of those things are beyond our ability to choose. We cannot choose out parents, our height, our medical conditions...and so we seek something we CAN control. "Other people" is the easiest answer. And it is infinitely easier to make others upset than to make them happy.

Here's the problem: when we try to manipulate others, we usually know in the moment before we do something regretable that our immediate actions are going to be a mistake. That knowledge is cause for us to stop, rethink our actions, and do the right thing. Admittedly, doing the right thing can be a thankless job. For all the times I've been thanked by parents when redirecting children, back to their parents' sides, I have also been ignored or even given a speech that I am not the kids' parent. In that latter instances, I am sorely tempted to say with dripping sarcasm, "You're right. Arizona, the kidnapping capitol of the United States, where children vanish over the Mexican border, never to be heard from again, is definitely the wrong place to be protective of children. What was I thinking?" Instead, I say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry. Just trying to keep the kids safe," and then I walk away.

Your need to do something doesn't have to be you snapping at people. How about pausing a moment to explain how someone else's actions are upsetting you? If you can't find the words due to excessive anger, why not make an effort to remain silent until such time as you can explain how you feel? These actions may not have the instant gratification of "doing something" as snapping and storming away, but they ARE actions.

My ex, Robin, did something like this before we'd even started dating. She and I met in college, and we were hanging out with a bunch of my male friends, when I made a lewd joke that had all the other guys staring at me with mouths agape. When asked how I could say something like that in front of Robin, I declared her to be "just one of the guys," and that I meant no harm. Well, Robin understood that much, but that didn't stop her from asking for a private word with me. She had every reason to blow up at me. Instead, she calmly explained that the loss of 90% of her left leg had already made her feel less feminine. She would never again have her gorgeous dancer legS, but, at best, a nice leG. Because of this, she politely, but firmly, asked that I never call her "one of the guys" again.

Food for thought, my dear. My PM box remains open if you want to take this further and/or privately. (Not sure if that would help mre, but there's the offer.) :smallsmile:


*sighs* All so confusing.

I don't think of it as "manipulating" anyone. That sounds like I've been planning on being a bitch to someone, which is never the case. I just get caught up in whatever I'm angry or depressed about and need an outlet... and sometimes that's wanting to scream and cry; depending on what's gotten me riled up, that's either taking advantage of the fact anyone cares what's wrong and ranting to them about it, or raging off. I don't deal with much of anything calmly. It's pretty much proven impossible. I'm controlled by emotion, not reason... I've got reason and I know when I should be using it, but it's not that easy.

More I should add to this, but its all I have time to type at the moment. :smallsigh:

[Gem Flower]

Bor: *hugs* I have nothing better to say on the matter.

I know I've been putting my life's issues up here a lot more recently, but I just feel the ned to say it and get it over with (again.)

I feel ugly.:smallfrown:

[Miraqariftsky]

What in the bleeding blazes?

Bor, I may not know much about ye, but from merely the little that I do know...

...if we were face to face, I'd punch you straight off and then shake ye up mighty hard to tell ye that yer not what ye say ye are. Face it, bub, ye've helped multitudes. You serve as the light in the lives of many of our comrades here and don't ye friggn dare doubt yerself! Ye know not, ye desire not to know truly how many people ye've helped, how many ye've pulled from the very brink of darkness and damnation and here ye say ye ain't got a high self-esteem?!

Don Bassingthwaite once said that it is unseemly for a hero not to accept that he is one. Modesty and humility, my good sir Bor, are good in moderation, as is pride. Be proud that you have done good, that you give hope to many, that you give smiles and laughter to those people who think such things are beyond their lowly state.

I bow to you, valiant and virtuous sir.

----------

Gem Flower... hah! Baaahahahahaha! Hah. I respectfully disagree. You are far more beautiful than I could ever comprehend and you are unfathomably fair, even to the closest of your comrades.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Bor, I would never lie to you. This is not sarcasm of any kind. You are a wonderfull person. Some people just don´t see it, sometimes its that thing that makes us tired and stressed which makes us more annoyed and can respond like that, Bor I know you´re not a saint or anything, but you helped me out when I needed it. You are a wonderfull, kind, awesome man.*hugs* Also what Nexus said.

Gem, I may not have seen any pictures of you, but of what I know of you, you are beautifull. You´re a great girl. *hugs*

Ego, dear, what you need sounds like somebody to rant to in RL, who will then viciously attack you with hugs and not let go for some time.

[Castaras]

On self-esteem:

Not sure if anyone read the thread when it was my turn on "Get to know a Playgrounder," but I basically lost it when people would ask how/why I was so wonderful. I blew an emotional fuse in a post that basically made an effort to deny that I'm some major force of good on the planet. (This was "helped" by the fact that I had fallen off my meds at the time.)

Maybe it's part of my emotional illness. Some may not believe it, as I seem so positive and caring when I usually post, but I suffer from severe depression. I have to struggle to take a compliment graciously, and often fail, denying what others think are facts. If ever I call myself wonderful, I often believe I'm joking. And I can make various arguments against "the wonder that is Bor." If I'm so great, why am I perpetually single? If my writing is so good, why haven't I sold anything? If I'm so smart, why didn't I complete my college education?

And so I try not to dwell on these things. I find distractions to keep my mind in neutral. Beyond that, I have no real answers. I wish I did, because I'd be the first to jump on the advice. My sharing all of this is to let people know that you're not alone; my self-esteem also sucks. :smallfrown:


Yay for those of us who take compliments to be jokes. :smallsigh: What you said rings so so true...

One phrase that is nearly always heard is "Flattery will get you nowhere" by me... I say that to any compliment, or just "thanks", and not believe it.

I do know pretty much what the problem for this is though. Too many people sending me down with their constant teasing and some bullying. *shrugs* I've learnt to live with it. I'm no longer on the way down. To be honest, I've been caught in my own apathy, and as such, find it very difficult to go up.

Well, found, I guess. I am slowly getting my self-esteem back. To be honest, I started down the process of getting it back a few months into '07, when I became an active forumite. Gotta thank the ol' crush'd thread version 1 for that. And the Confessions thread, when all the crush'd thread started.

What's kept me going through is this amazing forum. Amazing people, so willing to help each other. The time when the forumers donated money to help Sweetrein out when she was having problems. Or when we got together enough money for Bor to go see his brother in hospital. It's just so amazing how amazingly kind we all are.

Bor, you are no exception to this. You are one of those of us who really shines and you have worked miracles. They may not be walking on water, or turning water to wine, but those are nothing compared to making someone smile when they're down, or helping someone through a rough patch of their life, or even persuading that person that they need to pull themselves together and go talk to someone.

I can understand your low self-esteem though Bor. I guess I'm the same...you know that you're doing this though, and that's one step forward. =) Just gotta take the final leaps.

*hugs*

Ego, you also are an amazingly good person. I guess all I can say is If you start feeling bloody awful - think about those who love and admire you, those who respect you as a friend. Just think through every compliment you can. Might be difficult to start with, but it gets easier, and it does help a helluvalot with the sorta problems you're describing (another load of problems which I've gone through >.> although maybe not as bad as yours).

*shrugs* May help, may not. Hope it does, anyway.

And Gem Flower? You are not. I know ugly people, and it's almost always due to their personalities. You do not have an ugly personality (a very beautiful one, in fact), and as such, there is no way you can be ugly, even if you tried.

*hugs for everyone* *ninja vanish*

[Thanatos 51-50]

Bluewind:

Hope I helped - even if just a little bit.

[Kaelaroth]

Bor: *hugs* I have nothing better to say on the matter.

I know I've been putting my life's issues up here a lot more recently, but I just feel the ned to say it and get it over with (again.)

I feel ugly.:smallfrown:

First off, you're probably not.
Secondly: if you are physically not the most attractive person, we've all seen here that you have more admirable non-physical qualities that easily make up for that.
Thirdly: Make-Up and Fashion work wonders.
Fourthly: Have self-confidence. Feel beautiful = BE beautiful.
Fifthly: Ignore people who are mean about your looks.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Have self-confidence. Feel beautiful = BE beautiful.

I never understood this statement. It doesn't work for me. Never has.
Nor has Look Good = Feel Good ever worked for me.

/sidebar thought

[DraPrime]

Well I don't think I've ever posted any problems of my own here, but I think that now I have a fairly good reason now.

So when I was 2 years old my parents got divorced. It never bothered me too much because it was just how life has almost always been for me. But now it's finally come to cause me serious trouble. Now I stay with my mom during most of the week and then I go to my dad on Saturday and come back the next day. It's been like that for several years. Now I told my mom last Friday that I wanted to go to my dad that day, instead I the next. She said no, and that she wanted me to stay with her the entire weekend. We started t to argue, and my mom told me to leave her house and not come back for a month. Now, I would stay with my dad but he's unemployed and doesn't have the money to have me around all the time. There's also the issue that this could very well last longer than a month since my mom holds grudges for a very long time, and also refuses to admit error. So currently I'm staying at a friend's house, but I can only stay for a few days, and I can't just keep coming up to my friends and asking if they can temporarily house me. So I guess that the question that I have is what now?

[eidreff]

A thought for those who find it hard to accept good things said by others.

Can all of those people be wrong? Why would they lie to you? Even if they are then they must be lying to avoid hurting your feelings which, although possibly counter productive, obviously means that they care about you. If they care enough to try and spare your feelings there must be something that they see is good about you.

I have yet to see anyone in real life give a compliment to embarass somebody, its too complicated to set up, and sarcasm is just too easy to detect.

My advice, take compliments as they come. The people that are giving them mean well at least superficially. Even if you think that what they are saying is undeserved you must have done something right.

Just my two pennorth. It ain't wisdom but it is how I try to deal with my feelings that I don't deserve compliments. Hope that it is of help.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Dragonprime - I'm not ignoring you, I just don't have a solution other than "Continue staying at friend's places, and be sure to return the favour in any way you can."
You're a minor, so hotels rooms are out of the picture, even assuming you had the money, correct?


Can all of those people be wrong?
Yes.

Why would they lie to you?
Self-satisfaction. In an attempt to help others and/or make them feel good, we make ourselves feel good.

Even if they are then they must be lying to avoid hurting your feelings which, although possibly counter productive, obviously means that they care about you. If they care enough to try and spare your feelings there must be something that they see is good about you.
Or they could be fuzzy-bunny rubes soft-hearted saps.


I have yet to see anyone in real life give a compliment to embarass somebody, its too complicated to set up, and sarcasm is just too easy to detect.
Not only seen it delivered, but delivered it, myself.


My advice, take compliments as they come. The people that are giving them mean well at least superficially. Even if you think that what they are saying is undeserved you must have done something right.
Or they look at you, see "low self-esteem" and think "Ooooo! Project!"


Just my two pennorth. It ain't wisdom but it is how I try to deal with my feelings that I don't deserve compliments. Hope that it is of help.

I love disclaimers, and use them myself! :smallbiggrin:

[DraPrime]

Dragonprime - I'm not ignoring you, I just don't have a solution other than "Continue staying at friend's places, and be sure to return the favour in any way you can."
You're a minor, so hotels rooms are out of the picture, even assuming you had the money, correct?

Yeah, I'm a minor. I have enough money for maybe a few days at a cheap motel, but then I'd be completely broke.

[Pyrian]

Legally speaking, your parents cannot abandon you like that. Getting CPS (or whatever the Massachussetts equivalent is) is most likely not a good idea if at all possible, so do try to negotiate with your mom. If she's totally unwilling to be at all reasonable, then go ahead and call the law down on her patently criminal behavior. That's what it's there for. :smallmad:

[Fawkes]

I feel ugly.:smallfrown:

You don't look ugly.


Self-satisfaction. In an attempt to help others and/or make them feel good, we make ourselves feel good....Or they could be fuzzy-bunny rubes soft-hearted saps....Or they look at you, see "low self-esteem" and think "Ooooo! Project!"

Yeah, people don't really have that much time on their hands. Very few people are going to take it open themselves to fix you. It's not worth the effort, no matter what their goals are. At least 80 percent of the people who compliment you are doing so because they mean it.



Problems.

Yikes. That just... really sucks. I wish there was something I could do to help. If you're really concerned for your well-being, you can try apologizing to your mom, even though it doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong. As Pyrian said, she can't legally do that.

[dish]

Well I don't think I've ever posted any problems of my own here, but I think that now I have a fairly good reason now. ...

dragonprime, I may be too late with this, but here is my advice:
You need to find an adult that your mother will respect to help you negociate with her. Is there anyone you trust who can help you? Maybe:
- a sympathetic teacher
- a school counsellor
- a religious leader (if your mother is in any way religious this is probably a good choice)
- a friend's parent
- if your local area run any kind of "troubled teen counselling service" then maybe an official from their group
- another relative (aunt, uncle, grandparent, etc).

I would suggest trying to keep it low-key (ie. not involving the CPA or legal action unless you absolutely have to), but please remember that you are a minor and other adults in the community should have the responsibility to listen to and help you.

(P.S. If you did end up moving in with your father, would there be any benefits / social security he could claim to help with your living expenses?)

[Kaelaroth]

I never understood this statement. It doesn't work for me. Never has.
Nor has Look Good = Feel Good ever worked for me.

/sidebar thought

Doesn't work for me either, but has worked for several of my friends.

[Jibar]

Say Bor, I was trailing through my PMs when I came across this delightful quote from Lilly.


And nothing that can be fixed with alcohol can't also be fixed with lots of chocolate and salt.

Thought it might go well on the first post.

[Fawkes]

Just don't try rubbing chocolate and salt into your wounds to clean them. Doesn't work.

[Micate]

Says you...

*shudders in pain as he rubs salt and chocolate into his wounds*See? perfectly .... Fine...

[CommodoreFluffy]

Hey Guys! Sorry I was gone, didn't notice the new threads, thought that Comrade Gorby locked it or something. Any ways, I am taking like, AP Euro, and Chemistry, an Honours Science, and whatnot and it is hard, I need to help depressed people to become undepressed.

[ZombieRockStar]

Here, again, is my envy. I have known people with musical talent, specifically with various instruments, and there is a form of expression that surpasses mere words. Beauty, anger, sadness...It can all come from a sound without words. To me, that's amazing.

Really...I have been. Most of my spare time has me curled up around my Martin when I really should be reading or writing something somewhere. *sigh*

Something keeps leading me back to playing this (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=thEiXbovv98) over and over again for myself. Maybe trying to convince myself of something. Not sure if I believe it.


It makes me wonder why you're looking so hard at humor? Do you think there is some kind of hidden power in joking around that will make you a better person? If you are, I must say that trying to change who and what you are might be too difficult. You might want to consider that the "ancient poet" that you are is the best thing you can be, and you should be happy with that. :smallsmile:

No...no. Just trying to get my head around why someone so astoundingly intelligent would do something like that.

I'm not quite sure what "ancient poet" is supposed to mean, but thank you. :smallsmile:

~

I need to rant about a bad day at work:
About a month ago I started doing the baking at a donut shop (Tim Hortons, for the Canadians here). It's a reasonably nice job. I have to be up at 3 in the morning on Sundays and Mondays to open up the store, but I like the people I work with.

Except for one of the owners (the husband of a husband/wife team). I'm still trying to get into the flow of things and, to me, it's a steep learning curve. Now, some of that is due to my own screw ups, but I'm still learning. This man, however, has not been helpful in the least. He has a short temper and, today, he outright blew up at me. "This is sh*t!" I had made a mistake that, I admit, I keep making. But he was abusive and in front of customers.

Now...I've dealt with abusive authority figures before. I like to think I know how to handle them. So I just shut my mouth then and then a little later knocked on his office to tell him, in a calm and clear voice, that I was having a problem with his abusive attitude. In my mind, it was me going to him with a problem and trying to work it out with him. What I got was simply more abuse. He told me, straight, that I was the problem and that I should "look in the mirror and figure out what the problem [was]."

*sigh* Tomorrow, I'm going to have a long conversation with his wife, the other owner, about this. She's a bitch too, but she's at least reasonable about it. That sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable from someone in a position of authority. I know. I used to be in a position of authority and was an abusive little ****, and found out the hard way how not to deal with people. I've tried taking the problem to him, and he just threw a temper tantrum. So...I dunno. If we can't work it out, I'm not going to work there anymore.

But...I like to think I'm proud of standing up for myself today and saying that I wasn't going to take that abuse. I think I've got a bit of my mom in me...the part that doesn't put up with that kind of crap. Except I feel terrible. I know I'm right, but I hate getting into conflict. I can really get angry and nasty (probably a bit ridiculously so, even) if pushed far enough, and I think I was controlled and reasonable, but it still gives me this really sick feeling inside, you know? I don't want this. I don't ****ing need this right now.

...speaking of my mom, I tried to call her today because I needed to talk, but she was apparently out. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't be ranting here. :smallsigh:

~

Unrelated to the above problem: also today, at work...they play crappy "easy rock" radio. This (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=HtuyYAL-nNY) came on today and I could only barely keep from breaking down, 'cause it was an "our song" (we had dozens...any song we both liked, even). God...the whole station is hell for me right now...crappy, pop-rock love songs all the time. Goddamn Natalie Imbruglia can make me cry.

[Fawkes]

Unrelated to the above problem: also today, at work...they play crappy "easy rock" radio. This (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=HtuyYAL-nNY) came on today and I could only barely keep from breaking down, 'cause it was an "our song" (we had dozens...any song we both liked, even). God...the whole station is hell for me right now...crappy, pop-rock love songs all the time. Goddamn Natalie Imbruglia can make me cry.

I had the same experience after a bad breakup. All I can tell you is that it'll pass in time. I know it sucks, but you'll be past it before too long.

[Inhuman Bot]

My problems:

I hate the school I'am at. Those of you at the last thread may recall my hatered of my last school. tis new one isn't any better.

I don't like the people, or the teachers, or the stuff I learn, which is all boring, and none of it is very usefull, or new.

I can barely get up, much less get to school.

My guidance counsler, has no usefull advice, nor does my mom. Same for everyone else so far, now that I think of it.

Yeah......

My life sucks...

[Dallas-Dakota]

My problems:

I hate the school I'am at. Those of you at the last thread may recall my hatered of my last school. tis new one isn't any better.

I don't like the people, or the teachers, or the stuff I learn, which is all boring, and none of it is very usefull, or new.

I can barely get up, much less get to school.

My guidance counsler, has no usefull advice, nor does my mom. Same for everyone else so far, now that I think of it.

Yeah......

My life sucks...
Do online study-courses.
Do tests in advance.

Sorry, not much help here...

[DraPrime]

Well my issue of not having a home resolved itself much faster than I expected. My mom called me, apologized, and asked that I come back. I'm still staying with a friend (different one now), but I'm going back tomorrow.

[dish]

Well my issue of not having a home resolved itself much faster than I expected. My mom called me, apologized, and asked that I come back. I'm still staying with a friend (different one now), but I'm going back tomorrow.

That is very good news. :smallsmile:

[Bayar]

I lost my stick. And I had something important on it. Now I cannot recover that information. And the stick had a capacity of 4 GB.

Plus, my new computer came with no working sound whatsoever, so now it is in service. Hadnt even used it at it's full potential.

Plus, my old computer is a ****ing work of art by the minions of hell set upon this earth to agravate me. It simply restarts out of nowhere. I had system scan run every time when it was loading windows on D, so I got ****ing annoyed and formatted D. Now all my music and **** are gone forever.

Plus, I feel a strange emptiness where my digestive system is, and I dont know what to use to fill it up, since it is on a more spiritual level...food doesnt wor.


Jesus Christ ! I feel like I have been cursed with misfortune ! I feel like a demonic presence is around me, throwing bad luck everwhere. I mean, I took the coran in my hands and prayed at 1 AM when I was trying to start my computer for 5 straight hours and all it did was go into windows, but with a black screen of evil.



Help me, please...

[Headless_Ninja]

Uh... Hey. I'd like to just share my feelings. Today I came into school, had a chemistry lesson, then afterwards, realising I had no more lessons for the day, decided to do some 'housekeeping'-style tasks. This involved heading down to another local school at which I had taken Biology classes (and exams) last year in order to book a resit of those exams. This all went fine, but on approaching i was told that a member of the school had been involved in a road accident. I was quite concerned, and saw a group of sixth formers sat around in tears. A friend of mine told me that she had heard that a year 11 student called Emma had been killed. i didn't know this girl, but still felt sad at the idea of such a young life ended so violently. I walked back to my home school, and discussed this with some friends, who were qequally shocked. Then a friend from the second school arrived. I hugged her, and she said that she had felt like she needed to get away from the quietness of the mourning at her own school. We skirted around the subject a little, and then another friend (from my school) walked into the common room. She mentioned the event, then asked if I wanted to accompany her to the memorial assembly at the second school that afternoon. When I replied that I didn't know the girl, she looked shocked.
'But... She had a crush on you! You chatted in Physics all the time!'. I felt sick as she told me that actually it was my friend Sarah who had been hit by a bus and killed that morning. She had been cycling to school with her hood up and headphones on, and hadn't noticed the coach approaching. I just feel... Shocked. Flabbergasted. I can't really believe it. We hadn't met face-to-face in a couple of weeks, as I no longer take Biology at her school, or Physics at all, but we still kept in touch via MSN. She was an incredibly intelligent (although she knew it :smallwink:) and kind girl, who had applied to Cambridge for Natural Sciences after receiving three As and a B in the sciences at AS-Level (the B had recently been remarked and appended to an A!) and was certain to have been accepted, and gone on to perform some incredible feat of science. Although she was a major part of my life, I got a feeling from talking to her peers that I was probably more important to her than she was to me, and for that I feel incredibly guilty. I took some flowers and a card down to where she was hit (along with her school's entire sixth-form and some from mine, a very moving display of how even though she was quiet and sometimes shy she affected everyone around her), and signed a card for her that will be given to her parents, but it all just seems... futile. Now there'll be no-one to joke about my lack of ability in Physics, no-one to arrive in school incredibly early just to play pool (badly) with me, no-one to laugh at my pathetic science-jokes. I just feel so sorry for her parents and little brother.

[CommodoreFluffy]

I am depressed, and the funny thing is, it's because I finished homework. I feel like there is nothing to do but wait. my brother is at a waterpolo game, I am cooped up waiting for something to happen, and it's 7 o' clock. I couldn't fall asleep if I had a concussion to help me along, and i don't know what to do. I feel helpless.

[Zarrexaij]

I've been slightly down since I got my college bill. While it's "only" 500 bucks, I'm from a poor family of five... and my father just got laid off.

So, yeah, I'm in a cruddy situation where I have to take out loans, get a job, and stuff. Today my stomach was all sorts of upset because I'm stressed out. :smallsigh:

[CommodoreFluffy]

I've been slightly down since I got my college bill. While it's "only" 500 bucks, I'm from a poor family of five... and my father just got laid off.

So, yeah, I'm in a cruddy situation where I have to take out loans, get a job, and stuff. Today my stomach was all sorts of upset because I'm stressed out. :smallsigh:

paying for things is difficult, what I do in situations like that is save up. put all your money in a mental tally. create budgets for food, and bills, and then have your money for the college bill build up in a savings account (or other deal with relatively high intrest), plan it so that you will have the money to pay for it at least a week early, and put off at least 4% for your own personal spendings, which is like, whatever you want to use your money for, a date at a better resteraunt, a video game, whatever. this may force you to tightn your belt a little bit

as they say, the cost of education is high, but the cost of not having one is astronomical.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

My apologies for going silent the past couple of days, but I blew a few emotional fuses and couldn't find the words to help folks on this thread. Four to six weeks to get those meds fully functioning again, folks, so please be patient. That said, I'll deal with the more immediate issues, as the old appear to have been handled for the most part.

bayar:
First, I must ask that you go back to the first post and read the "rules." I will leave it at that. No offense taken by me, but others may not be so patient.

Next, it is unfortunate when possessions are lost of don't work properly, but it might help to remember that they are just "things." All "things" can be replaced in time. Although the data on the stick is probably the worst of it. Replacing that data will likely be harder than anything else, especially if it was some kind of creative work. The loss of intellectual property is more worrisome than physical property, and the best I can do is wish you luck in recreating it. Again, it takes time. As frustrating as it is, you need to calm yourself, think about those things that led to the losses, and try to learn from them.

Hmmm...How can I exemplify this with a Bor story?

My cat, Nike, is sneakiest when I'm asleep. She likes to hope onto counters, knock things to the floor, and then play with them until she basically loses access to them. I honestly don't know what attracted her to it, but she decided my wallet would be a fun toy. I essentially went insane trying to find it again. Since my circumstances may be new to you, you must understand that a lost wallet for me is a VERY big deal. Though the ID and debit cards can all be replaced, my fixed income means the small bit of cash (about $10) I usually keep on me is vital to my survival. Thus, when I went to grab the wallet and found it missing, I went a wee bit berserk. I caused myself phsycial pain in my frantic search for it, and rediscovered it in a corner of my apartment by accident.

Since then, for the most part, the wallet now remains in my pants. Nike won't go rifling through my pockets, and I always know where to find it now. Lesson learned. It's what you need to try and do. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

As to your spiritual emptiness, I'm not exactly sure how to address it, as there are several bits of information that are missing, such as an idea as to what it is you feel you're missing. We are not permitted to discuss religion, but I can say that I was pleased to read that you turned to the Koran when you needed patience. Holy scripture, whatever it may be for each individual, can grant serenity, and I have recommended that people who are religious turn to those scriptures when seeking peace.

Meanwhile, as you make your spiritual journey, you need ot narrow down what it is that's causing the emptiness. Are you lacking human companionship? Have you passed on oppotunities that are now causing you regret? Is it possible that all of your current frustrations are the cause? The statement, "I need spiritual food," is a bit to vague to act upon. See if you can narrow it down for us so we can help.

Headless_Ninja:

You have my most sincere condolences on your loss. It's a strange feeling when you lose someone who wasn't quite close, but was fairly well-known.

I grew up knowing a girl nicknamed "Biffy." Very pretty, very intelligent, and I knew her mother and father better than I ever knew her. (We had done some community theater together.) She was killed in a traffic accident on 10 December 1999, but I didn't receive the news until some years later. She was 18 days shy of her 29th birthday. I think I looked at her more than I ever spoke to her, and all I could do once I received this news was imagine her mom and dad in tears. Here was a happy family - an exceptionally happy family - shattered by an already dangerous piece of road that was also iced over at the time. :smallfrown:

I'm trying to empathize, but tend to feel at a loss when it comes to matters such as these. Thus, I am left with only one other option: *HUGS!*

Zarrexaij:

Have you considered applying for grants? Rumor has it that the Pell Grant is likely the easiest one to get. A neighbor of mine, a year younger than myself, applied and was given $3,000 to go to truck driving school. The lovely thing about grants is that they don't have to be paid back. I even looked it up (http://www.ed.gov/programs/fpg/index.html) for you. Hope that helps.

CommodoreFluffy:

Depressed for accomplishing something? That's a bit backwards. I recommend you work on failing at something and then becoming depressed. :smalltongue:

[Fawkes]

My apologies for going silent the past couple of days, but I blew a few emotional fuses and couldn't find the words to help folks on this thread. Four to six weeks to get those meds fully functioning again, folks, so please be patient. That said, I'll deal with the more immediate issues, as the old appear to have been handled for the most part.

Wait, are you actually literally clinically depressed?

Brethren! *hug*

[Headless_Ninja]

Thanks, Bor. There was a memorial assembly for her today at her school, and I went along. It was really moving - two of her oldest friends gave speeches (but broke down in tears) and there were pictures of her projected up on the front wall; as we'd been mainly communicating via msn recently, this was the first time I'd seen her face in almost two months... I'd forgotten how pretty she was. Still kind of down now; I'm starting to realise that she is, indeed, gone. And what a ridiculous, pointless way, too.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Wait, are you actually literally clinically depressed?

Brethren! *hug*

Indeed, it is the righteous ground upon which I stand, and gives me the right to say, "Though I don't KNOW how you feel, I understand it enough to EMPATHIZE with you."

I don't hide from the facts. I have been emotionally off kilter since I was a child, and only when I was an adult was I officially diagnosed with depression. When I was 27, I made my first serious attempt at suicide. I was hospitalized for Tylenol poisoning, and, oddly, never saw the inside of a psych ward for that one. :smallconfused:

Years later, after a psych hospitalization of 45 days, I then made another serious attempt, which landed me in a psych ward for 97 days. Most of that was the hospital trying to find a place for me to go once they released me. My family had, without saying a word, told me to perform a physically impossible act. In the end, I was set free from the hospital on a foundation of lies from the social worker, resulting in 10 days of homelessness in the middle of a New York winter...snow storms and everything. :smallfrown:

Because my diabetes was now catching up with me in the worst ways, and the whipped topping of "severe recurring depression" garnishing the surface, I started the process of filing for Social Security Disability. I lived in a few boarding houses, the first of which was barely supervised in any way. The lack of watchful eyes resulted in a die-hard alcoholic roommate of mine becoming delusional in the middle of the night and taking a wooden club to my head while I slept. The psychological scars from the attack were worse than the physical, and I added PTSD (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_stress_disorder) to my disability claim. (And what fun it is to awaken with a scream should a loud noise be heard while I'm sleeping.) :smalleek:

After two rejections from Social Security - an odd thing, as their own doctors would state I'm disabled when I would see them - I stood before a judge and explained that I could probably find work; I would much rather be employed than do nothing day in and day out. Alas, keeping a job was becoming impossible. Those goofy employers seem to think their employees should show up when scheduled and be functional when they're working; things I could no longer promise to do, especially when my psyche and body seems to have other ideas. The judge granted me my benefits, and for the first year after that time I lived on my backpay. :smallcool:

That was just over four years ago. Without the help of others, I exist BELOW poverty level. It's an increasingly depressive thought that if I manage to get enough of a raise in January to finally reach the $800/month mark, I will be earning $900/year beneath poverty level, and that should that bit of extra money land in my lap, I can actually live IN poverty. Yay? :smallconfused:

Between 9 July 1967 and now, I have experienced a lot. It's why I seem to have a story for every occasion. The good, the bad, and the bizarre. Until I have lived in someone else's shoes from their birth until their moment of crisis, I cannot say I KNOW how another person feels. But quite often, I have a pretty good idea, and I will share my meager bits and pieces of knowledge in order to help those whom I can. Though there are times when I'm in so much physical and emotional pain that I wish my life would simply end, I am not dead yet...Don't send flowers. :smallwink:

*puts away soapbox*

Oh, and...*HUGS!* :smallsmile:

[Gem Flower]

Reading that in one sitting... Wow.:smallfrown: Look Bor, I don't know what religion you are, but I don't think it matters for this. You are in my prayers. *hugs*

[Bayar]

Thanks. It seems that with school starting, all my demons are disappearing. My computer had a fried sound card, so they replaced the motherboard, internet working again, borrowed my dad's stick that he used to use to listen to music, ...the burning temple raid deck arrived in the mail today :smallredface:.

As for my emptiness, it usually happens when I lose hope in a better future, I feel like my chest has a void space...really weird feeling.

But all better now. It really helped me.

@Bor:
I fell your pain. Weird thing is, I feel the pain of others most often, and try to ignore my pain. But enough about that.

800 $/month...considering you live in the US, yeah, that is not alot. Here in Romania, if you have 200 $/month you are considered very poor, living on the edge of brokenness. heh, you could actually move here and live a better life...

...on second thought, better not. The health care is better here, but from a social point of view, it is a third world country. I mean, old people going in the street to protest against the Libery parade calling it a sign of the Apocalypse ? :yuk:


Hope I managed to put a smile on your face :smallbiggrin:

[Fawkes]

Dramatic and interesting life story.

:smalleek:
Despite the possibility of violating Rule 3, I have to say, my problems don't even compare to the other ones I've seen here. I'm thankful for that. It's funny the way hearing other people's bad news gives me perspective.

Where to begin... I'm from Houston, Texas. I lived in the same house all my life up until the day I left for college, but to date, I've had beds in six different buildings. My parents divorced when I was five. Apparently my father had been having an affair for some time, but I wouldn't learn of this for about 13 years. I only have the vaguest recollection of time before the divorce. Ironically, I saw much more of my father after the separation. He moved 15 minutes away, and my sister and I saw him every Thursday, and spent the weekend at his apartment every other weekend.

I don't remember ever having any difficulty with the divorce, per se, but my mother was going through a really difficult time. Her marriage had dissolved, and all of a sudden she had to go back to a full time job in addition to raising two kids basically by herself. So, she took us all to therapy, and would continue to take me once or twice a year.

I didn't take to junior high very well. I had just come to public school the last half of fifth grade, so I only had a few friends. As it turns out, the four guys I would meet during those first few years are still my best friends. I was a geek, and I was steadily gaining weight. Every so often I would just breakdown into tears, sometimes during class. Around 9th grade, my mother decided to take my to a full-blown psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with clinical depression and prescribed antidepressants, which are wonderful.

My dad's life has been up and down since the divorce. When he first moved out, he moved into a tiny little apartment where he lived for a couple years. He worked for a major energy company downtown, and he made enough money to buy a little two-bedroom house. In 2001, we caught a pretty bad break. That Houston-based energy company he worked for happened to be the Enron Corporation. My dad lost his job, and all the stock my mother had stockpiled during their marriage was worthless. It was rough for a while for both of them, but they both managed to pull through. My mom had a steady job as a speech pathologist for our school district, and eventually became head of the district's speech department. My dad, on the other hand, became a contractor for a series of energy companies, a job that sends him traveling all over the world. He met a woman who manages offshore oil rigs for Exxon-Mobil, and they were married a couple of years ago. As both of them have been making scads of money from oil companies for years, they moved into an enormous 6-bedroom house together. My stepmom was transferred to Australia this summer, and my Dad is planning on spending about 2/3 of his time over there for the next couple years. Since I turned 18, he's taken my sister and I to Hawaii and Australia, with another Australia trip and a European cruise planned for next year. So, I'm from an upper-middle class family, and I get to travel on my vacations. You may be wondering where the problems are.

Last year, I started college at Baylor University(Go Bears!). My friends are all at Texas A&M, University of Texas at Dallas, or University of North Texas. My first year I was stuck in a three-person dorm room with a quiet nice guy and a f***ing sociopath. I barely got any sleep, because he insisted on keeping all the lights on all night long, and the stress of being trapped in a tiny room with him nearly drove me insane. My GPA the second semester was 1.59, which has put me on academic probation, and is probably going to cost me my scholarship. This year, I've got my own apartment, which is awesome, but most of my classes so far are ridiculously stupid courses taught by ridiculously stupid teachers that have nothing to do with anything I would possibly want to do with my life.

Just gotta make it through the semester, and it should get better.

Man, I really could've used this thread last year.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Gem Flower: I thought this was common knowledge, but I'm Jewish. No, this is not a statement to open up a religious debate, but when a Jew congratulates a Muslim for reading the Koran, it makes you think. :smallwink:

Bayar: Your little protest quip made me think of this (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29738). :smalltongue:

Mechafox: Sometimes a little perspective is all it takes to improve one's situation. This doesn't lessen an individual's problems, but can help to get through them. I try to avoid a message of, "You think you have problems? Look at my life." Instead, I try to convey something along the lines of, "If I, a kind of cosmic joke, can try to make things better, so can others." :smallwink:

[arguskos]

Bah. I return. I seem to cycle through depressive moments, and joyfully elated moments. No idea why though. :smallconfused:

Honestly, I'm not even sure why or what I'm writing, I just wanted to write and see if others have similar feelings. I've thought about keeping a journal (and have before), but my lack of drive to do, well, anything has pretty much killed those efforts.

I know that psychologists call this a free-floating anxiety, and that it normally has no solid cause or reason, just a chemical imbalance in the brain causes the individual to experience feelings of anxiety, depression, whatever. Somehow though, I don't feel much better. Why in hell do I feel so.. so.. so damned ****ty all the time at the drop of a hat?? :smallannoyed: It's not like I even have a reason! It was my birthday on Monday, I should feel damn great, but nope, no way, can't do it. Even then, I just sorta cruised through on cruise control, not really FEELING anything, just sorta there. Gah!! I'm ranting and I have nothing concrete to say. Sorry if my verbal diarrhea is unpleasant to read, but I really wanted to type this out.

Also, Bor, you are a wonderfully amazing person, to do so well with the cards you were dealt, and still find the time to help others with such advice and words of kindness. I hope to find that sort of strength some day in myself.

-argus

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Bah. I return. I seem to cycle through depressive moments, and joyfully elated moments. No idea why though. :smallconfused:

Honestly, I'm not even sure why or what I'm writing, I just wanted to write and see if others have similar feelings. I've thought about keeping a journal (and have before), but my lack of drive to do, well, anything has pretty much killed those efforts.

I know that psychologists call this a free-floating anxiety, and that it normally has no solid cause or reason, just a chemical imbalance in the brain causes the individual to experience feelings of anxiety, depression, whatever. Somehow though, I don't feel much better. Why in hell do I feel so.. so.. so damned ****ty all the time at the drop of a hat?? :smallannoyed: It's not like I even have a reason! It was my birthday on Monday, I should feel damn great, but nope, no way, can't do it. Even then, I just sorta cruised through on cruise control, not really FEELING anything, just sorta there. Gah!! I'm ranting and I have nothing concrete to say. Sorry if my verbal diarrhea is unpleasant to read, but I really wanted to type this out.

Also, Bor, you are a wonderfully amazing person, to do so well with the cards you were dealt, and still find the time to help others with such advice and words of kindness. I hope to find that sort of strength some day in myself.

-argus

First, I must thank you for the kind words. As Randy Pausch (http://www.thelastlecture.com/) said, "We can't change the cards we're dealt, just the way we play the hand." It's too easy to be angry, bitter, and depressed all the time, so I fight those emotions on a daily basis. On the days where I find myself losing that fight, I try not to unload it all on my friends. I appreciate their caring, but a perpetual stream of dispair can't be handled by most people.

As for you, Argus, you might want to have your diagnosis re-examined. Emotional swinging up and down sounds more like bipolar disorder to me. Mind you, I'm not a professional, so I highly recommend you find one.

One of the most difficult aspects of treating psychological illness is the time it takes to find what works. There are different types of therapies and medications out there, and with the exception of anti-anxiety meds, nothing works instantaneously. What's more, mental illness requires co-operation from the patient. Pills and/or therapy don't work if all you do is rely on them to do whatever it is they're supposed to do.

The best way I can think of explaining this is through my diabetes. Just taking insulin isn't going to treat the disease. I need to watch my diet and get a certain amount of activity in. (The latter was easier before my body started malfunctioning so much.) I have to be conscious of what I eat and what I do in order to address the needs of my diabetes.

Now look at psychological illness. To go to a therapy session and expect it to fix you is unreasonable unless you come away from the therapy with learned skills to cope with your mental illness. Therapy is interactive, so not only does a great deal fall on your shoulders, but the therapist as well. I have met my share of BAD psychologists in my time. The ones that I love to hate are the doctors who, after I've unloaded what's on my mind for most of that "50 minute hour," ask me, "And how does that make you feel?" :smallconfused: Foolishly, in my youth, I would answer. Decades later, I realize I should have said, "Listen, you git...I just told you how I feel. Now I'm looking to you, with your advanced years of education in this particular field, to either advise me or teach me some kind of skill to deal with this nonsense. If the best you can do is ask me to summarize my feelings after already telling you how I feel, you're better off leaving real people alone and treating Normal Bates, because you're about as helpful as a stab wound." :smallmad:

Another useless therapist I had was the "yes-man" I had after my psych hospitalizations in NY. He was a really nice guy, but all he would do was validate my feelings.

Me: I'm poor, unable to work, living in a filthy hole in the Earth, and just feel misreable all the time.
Therapist: And you have every right to be. I would be too if I were you.

Wow...That was really helpful. Thank you so much. Let me guess...If you were an oncologist, you'd treat your patients with a steady diet of pies, wouldn't you? :smallannoyed:

Of course, there was the psychiatrist I saw yesterday...Oh, what a winner we had there. About as helpful and attentive as a sack of hammers.

Doc: Hi. How are you?
Me: He left us...He left us! [/Ariana Riachards in Jurassic Park]
Doc: So the Zoloft is working.
Me: Except for the part where I keep having to pluck the bright green feathers growing from my ears, and my antenae droop more often than normal.
Doc: Okay. Here's another prescription. Have a nice day.

:confused:

As I've pointed out, and will continue to point out, meds also require the patient to be interactive. It may take a while to find the right meds, and even then, they are not "happy pills." They are tools that help you function, and you should make your best effort to function once you discover what medication and proper dosage works, if your treatment even requires meds.

And that's all I have at the moment. Mind you, the above book-length opinion boils down to, "A total amateur thinks the diagnosis is wrong and you should find a new doctor," and that none of your counter-arguments to any professional should NOT start with, "But Dr. Bor said..." :smallwink:

[mercurymaline]

More about the dog I was ranting about a few weeks ago.
The Humane Society still has him. By state law, any animal taken in by them has to be neutered before adoption, b/c they don't want an animal who's been injured/traumatized to be bought for breeding/showing purposes. They're having issues getting him fixed, as it seems he has what they referred to as a grade 3 heart murmur. They have him scheduled for a special procedure next week, and I've been warned the anesthetic may still kill him. At least it would be peaceful, I suppose. I'm trying not to be worried.

They're keeping me posted on things they're finding out about him in foster, behavior and health issues they're seeing. It seems the previous owners kept him in a kennel most of the time, as he refuses to go in a crate when his foster family goes to the store. His teeth are a little messed up, and they realized it's from knawing on the bars of a cage for long periods of time.

Here's the bit I need advice on: Once his wound was cleaned up, and there was no fur, blood and pus in the way, they discovered he did have an ID microchip. They contacted the owners, who refused to come get him, or take responsibility for his medical bills. I live right outside a military base, and a lot of times people will be ordered overseas and not be able to take their animals. The family the Humane Society contacted was from the base; whether they're still there, or got stationed elsewhere, I don't know. The issue is, when they left, instead of surrendering the dog to Humane or Animal Control (in Riley County these organizations are no-kill,) they just left him. And now they don't want to acknowledge the fact that that caused him to be attacked and suffer third degree chemical burns. Luckily, the commander of this base requires pets living on base to be microchipped, implying to me he wouldn't be particularly happy to know that this happened. If the dog makes it through surgery, I will get his microchip information, so I can log onto the network and change his contact information to my address and phone number. Meaning I will have access to his previous owners' information. I have more than half a mind to use that info to contact their commanding officer, and their new CO if they have been stationed elsewhere, and let them know about the situation. So the question is: Is this way creepy and vindictive; should I just let it go?


And some personal depression.
My partner and I have always had a strange relationship. We have a limited amount of time together, we've always known that. (It's complicated and personal, but we've got 1-2 years left, max.) He recently decided there's little point trying to be together when we're working against a ticking clock. Rather than make the most of the remaining time, he's backed way off, and put up a wall, practically overnight. He's become extremely cold, and it's painful. I'm not sure if I should try to maintain a friendship, or just avoid him. (More complication, we're contracted to the same house for another year.)



morbid

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

morbidwombat:

I sincerely suggest you let it go when it comes to the dog. My fear is that if you contact the commanding officer, you will find someone who doesn't care about "doggies," but was using the chips for other means.

What other means? Well, let's say they decide to take a tank out for a practice run. Someone's dog gets loose and the poor pup ends up as barely recognizable remains in the tank treads. That's when the CO says, "Find the owner and get him over here so I can not only demote him/her, but make them clean my tank."

Military motives may not be the same as civilian motives. Let it go. Because if you dig deeper, all you may do is get dirty.

As for your other problem, I suggest you go back to the first page and read "Rule #2." Otherwise, I will get my cliché gun, set it for "many more fish in the sea," and keep firing in your general direction until you run away. :smalltongue:

In all seriousness, while I would rather you take relationship issues to the other thread, I can't help but imagine illness in the picture. "One or two years left" sounds like medical talk for, "We don't know how long someone will live, but the statistics say the following..." If this is the only thing that stands in the way of a happily ever after for the two of you, why would someone throw away love?

When it comes to things like this, I keep looking at Randy and Jai Pausch. He was terminally ill when he gave The Last Lecture (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo). (I'm thinking about starting a new religion, "Pauschism," and I am the first "Pauschite." :smallwink: ) The lecture itself was a pretty big deal, as Jai's birthday was the day before. Because he had to leave on her birthday, she was afraid they would be apart on the last of her birthdays they could celebrate together. Toward the end, a cake is brought out, and Randy has the entire room sing to Jai. What is revealed in the book, that you can't hear on the video, is her whispering in his ear during their embrace, "Please don't die."

They loved each other to the fullest, right up until the end. For Randy, the end was nigh, and there was no changing it. The most he could hope for was improving the quality of life for his family once he was gone. As part of that quality of life, he made sure his wife and children knew, without a shadow of doubt, that he loved them.

Why would anyone throw away love just because the end is nigh? Love is rare enough in the world, and it should be treasured until the end is enforced by uncontrollable events. Perhaps this is what you should be asking your partner.

[mercurymaline]

@Bor: Concerning the dog, that was my worry, that no one I could contact would care. I'll just have to take solace in that he's healthy and happy now.

Concerning my personal issues, I apologize. Wasn't trying to be inappropriate in the thread. I was just depressed and ranting at the time. Didn't want to go to Relationship Advice, as I figure to get advice about the situation, I'd probably have to be a bit more specific. I was just feeling down, and I was already venting about the dog, so I figured I'd get it out of my system.

*bow*

morbid

[Adumbration]

I'm feeling a bit down at the moment, for several reasons, stated in the spoiler:
1) I am seventeen, soon eighteen. I've never had a girlfriend, nor have I ever kissed a girl. When I think about it, I feel sad, and what makes it worse is that I know it's my own fault. Now, next you'll say that no, it's not your fault, and I'll say, yes it is. Becouse it is. And it's not likely to change, due to 2 and 3.
2) The end of highschool is approaching, and after that connections with friends will be likely to go down - both becouse I'm no good at just casually calling people and setting up meetings, and becouse I'll be going to the army, which will make it worse as well.
3) I'll be going to the army. I'm from Finland, it's obligatory. No, really, we're conscripted.
4) I'm tired - slept too little last night, and the school starts 8 am tomorrow. It's 10.30 pm here right now.
5) Going back to n. 1, the whole thing is my fault, which really is bugging me. What's bugging me even more that I won't be doing anything about it, becouse I lack the guts.


:smallfrown:

[The Rose Dragon]

Adumbration, other than the whole army deal, we've been there. It all works out. Eventually. We hope. We don't know, we're 18 and still single and never kissed a girl. Or a boy, for that matter.

[Fawkes]

My first kiss was actually the very last week of high school.

Adum, I highly doubt that you'll never have the chance to kiss a girl. How long do you have to be in the army, anyway?

[Gem Flower]

Gem Flower: I thought this was common knowledge, but I'm Jewish. No, this is not a statement to open up a religious debate, but when a Jew congratulates a Muslim for reading the Koran, it makes you think. :smallwink:

You are? Oh well. You're in my prayers anyways. Even if it doesn't make you at least a little happier that one more person who you've never met cares about the outcome of your life, it helps me think I'm useful.:smallwink:

[reorith]

its been six days since i've touched another human being. sometimes, i worry i'm a ghost or a robot. is that unusual?

[Fawkes]

its been six days since i've touched another human being. sometimes, i worry i'm a ghost or a robot. is that unusual?

Well, since ghosts are incorporeal, and you just typed, that rules that out. Robot's still a possibility. Easiest way to test: poke yourself. Are you hard and cold, or squishy and warm? If hard and cold, you are either a robot or frozen. If warm and squishy, you are alive or pudding. If squishy and cold, put on a sweater.

Note: the above was intended to make you smile, not demean you.

I would suggest you go out and talk to some people. Couldn't hurt.

[Adumbration]

My first kiss was actually the very last week of high school.

Adum, I highly doubt that you'll never have the chance to kiss a girl. How long do you have to be in the army, anyway?

From six months to a year, depending on where I go and what I do. I'm hoping to do just the six months.

[Fawkes]

From six months to a year, depending on where I go and what I do. I'm hoping to do just the six months.

Well, that's not so bad. When you get back, you'll have plenty of time to meet some women. I think you'll be fine. :smallsmile:

[Dragonrider]

Yeah, I'm seventeen and I've yet to have a first kiss too. :smalltongue: I'm not sure that it's as uncommon as people think. Anyway, I'd rather wait for the right person and the right time.



Also:
My mom is taking me to a nutritionist sometime later this month, at the recommendation of my tennis coach. I've gone up a dress size in the last six months and although I've been eating more, you look at my food intake versus the amount I 'spend' in exercise and it's quite obvious that something is wrong. Because I'm already eating slightly less than the 1400 calories I supposedly need to keep running and when you add 5-15 hours of exercise a week, it's pretty obvious something screwed up. So nutritionist. The knowledge that we're doing something has made me feel a LOT better about everything...so that's good.

I'm still not terribly happy with my life, but at least that aspect is being dealt with. :smallsmile:

[Fawkes]

Yeah, I'm seventeen and I've yet to have a first kiss too. :smalltongue: I'm not sure that it's as uncommon as people think. Anyway, I'd rather wait for the right person and the right time.

Well, clearly we just need to get te two of you together. Solve both problems.:smallwink:

[ocato]

Well, where to begin?
My girlfriend graduates from college in December. I graduate in December 2010 (5ish year student, took a year off, and lost some time when transferring credits that didn't transfer despite the fact both schools are IU, one is just someplace else.) So, she's worried about finding a job and all that jazz, and most importantly, she wants to get the heck out of dodge. She doesn't want to be here longer than she has to be, and for that I can't blame her. However, it's beginning to become clear that she's hinting that the only way I can get her to stick around/with me is with a wedding ring.

While I'm not the typically guy who runs screaming at the idea of a commitment, this scares the living bajesus out of me. I'm not ready to get married! I mean, we lived together over the summer after her roommate went crazy and started throwing stuff/threatening to hurt her, and we kind of got on each others nerves (mostly because neither of us had anything much to do all summer). Don't get me wrong, my choices were risk her getting hurt or feeling slightly personal-space-invaded-y. Since that guy laying a violent hand on her had the grisly consequence of his untimely death (like I need another manslaughter charge on my record), I let her stay with me. She has her own place now and so do I, so that's not really the problem. In fact, our relationship is good.

She definitely loves me more than I love her though, I think. That sounds callous, but I think it's a boy-girl thing. She can bat her eyelashes and think about me as her prince charming. But when I get home and turn on a video game or read a book, I don't have to stop every 10 minutes and heave a deep sigh because she isn't by my side. Since I was a kid, I've been very introverted. I get my energy from being alone from time to time. In fact, I think that's part of the reason I worry about us long-term. She's not great at that. If I'm in the same house as her, she's going to want to be next to me. A lot of the time I'm going to want to be all by myself, doing something by myself. That's just my personality and I think she has trouble dealing with that.

Which kind of comes to my next problem. I'm good at being alone, sure, but at the same time it pains me. I like to retreat to my own space and do my own thing. But sometimes I want to hang out with people my age who share my interests. I think they call them friends but God knows it's been so long I can't be sure. My actual friends (all 4 of them) all live in Virginia, where I went to high school. One of them died last February, so make it three. It was tragic, it still tears me up inside. Every time someone tells someone else to die in a fire I want to twist their head off like a pop bottle lid. Another one of them went to Iraq for two years last week. I couldn't even get away long enough to see him off. God knows what I'll do if he doesn't make it back. The other two are pretty deeply into their own stuff (and drugs, the one of them I think) that I don't think I could get into contact with them if I wanted to. Not that that's really the issue, since I kind of stopped trying to an extent. Don't get me wrong, I want to be friends. I love them, they are my brothers. But I'm not going to call them every day and bug them because I'm lonely. They're busy, they have lives to lead. I need to make new friends. This is the way of things.

However, I'm lousy at people. Especially since I have some natural distaste for things that are popular. The more everyone my age likes something, the more repulsive it strikes me as. I just don't have it in me to be devoted to anything completely. I listen to people, I consider ideas, I try to find a balance. Everyone hears that and assumes that I'm weak-willed or don't deserve their respect. Ever read Girl Genius? I'm Gil Wulfenbach. If I'm not gnashing my teeth and hurting people, no one will treat me with basic human decency. I tried to buddy around with my Sister's Boyfriend and his friends, but they scoff at me. They try to tell me what to think. One of them is a crazy Obama-naught and will.not.stop.telling.me.I.should.care. I don't. Not even a little bit. Think what you want, do what you want, vote how you want. I support your right to do so. But leave me the hell out of it. I don't care. (sorry, I hope that doesn't qualify as political). I just want something to do other than hound the forums and draw. I want something to fill my life with other than studying, goofing off with the girl, and internetting.

I've been trying to socialize a little online to make up for the lack of anyone to socialize with otherwise, but it seems that I can't please anyone. Everyone is critical, everyone is mean about it, and no one will give you one ounce of a benefit of the doubt ever. If you're not them, you're stupid and they're going to treat you like it, even if you're trying to do them a favor. I'm smart, okay? I know things. It just makes me want to hide. I know I'm not great at being Mister Fun/cool/interesting all the time, but people seem to just want to give me this nasty look and treat me like a rube if I don't agree with everything they say. It's frustrating. I'm tired of being judged by pissant children who think the name on their jeans makes them superior to other people. I wish I was a kid again. I wish my life consisted of pretending to be Captain America and acing spelling tests. I feel tired. I want something else. I can't even escape. I have too many attachments to kill myself and not enough to want to live. Instead I post nonsensical stuff on the internet at 2am like some emo kid. Maybe I should buy a banjo.

[Fawkes]

*hugs Ocato*

Now I'm depressed.

I can identify, man. Last paragraph might as well be talking about me. I can empathize.

You know what? We're friends now.

*hands you a "Mechafox's Friend" button*

[The Rose Dragon]

Well, clearly we just need to get te two of you together. Solve both problems.:smallwink:

Hey, what am I, chopped liver? :smalltongue:

[Talanna]

@Ocato:

I think it's perfectly normal to be scared of marriage. I'm too, and I'm still bugging my boyfriend to buy me a ring... But that's another problem :smallredface:
I'm not quite sure what to think of the fact that she kind of wants to push you into it, but if you don't mind and want to explore your feelings about it a bit more I can recommend http://marriage.about.com/.
As always, the people over at the Relationship Thread will probably be able to help you more.

Concerning having your own preferences which may or may not be identical with the ones of "the masses" - I think that's pretty normal and makes you very likeable :smallsmile: And there are people out there who think the same. You just have to look a bit for them :smallsmile:

[Adumbration]

Thanks for cheering up my day, people. Was going to post about this morning, but got busy going to school. I didn't think it would help, but it did. :smallsmile:

[Faceist]

Thought I'd make a post here just for venting purposes, feel free to ignore it if you want.

Lately I've been feeling really crappy and isolated. I finished sixth form exams and got my A Level results in July, and they're pretty good, so I guess I'm happy with that. But now sixth form is over, I'm on a gap year, my friends are heading off to university, and I've started losing contact with all those people I spent 7 or so years getting to know. Don't get me wrong, I haven't become a complete outcast or anything, one of my best friends goes to university in my hometown, so we still hang out a lot, and my other best friend visits regularly. But a lot of friends I was less close to, and a lot of acquaintances have just up and vanished. I'm trying to keep contact with people but it seems like a lot just aren't interested, including (most crushingly) a girl who complained a lot during sixth form that I didn't hang around with her enough. I guess it was true and this is her revenge, completely ignoring me when I try and text her or talk to her on MSN.

I was going to use this gap year to try and concentrate on my writing and maybe get a novel completed, but these feeling of emoness are hampering me and now I've got writers block. And that's compounded by my insomnia, and that's further compounded by the feeling I'm bitching unnecessarily, since I still go out, I still do things, I still hang around with my closest friends, I don't have things half as bad as some of the people who've posted here. But I can't escape the feeling that I've just become a kind of footnote in the lives of people I thought were my friends.

[three08]

...And that's compounded by my insomnia, and that's further compounded by the feeling I'm bitching unnecessarily, since I still go out, I still do things, I still hang around with my closest friends, I don't have things half as bad as some of the people who've posted here. But I can't escape the feeling that I've just become a kind of footnote in the lives of people I thought were my friends.

the first thing to do to try to get a handle on your feelings is, so i'm told, to let yourself have them. even if you still have friends, even if you still have more friends than some people, missing your friends is rough. it's very reasonable to be down about that.

the transition to college is often rough that way. i'm afraid i'm not familiar with any education system but that of my own country, so please forgive my ignorance if you answered this question in your post, but are you going off to college as well? if so, they usually have a lot of orientation programs and other stuff for incoming freshmen to mingle and meet and form communities. i know my reaction to that stuff was a jaded 'yeah, whatever' but they're there for a reason and by all reports they're generally pretty effective.

also, if your friends are just now going off to university, they might just be swamped with work. not necessarily homework, but getting student IDs arranged, moving into their dorm rooms, etc. you might find that in a few weeks once they're settled in you start hearing from a lot more of them.

but, again, that sort of thing would bum anyone out. just hang in there for now, and take comfort in the good friends who're still on hand. :smallsmile:

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

morbidwombat: No need to apologize. It's just that my advice isn't the best when it comes to relationships.

Gem Flower: Religion is a non-issue for me...unless you are praying to dark powers that would want me to sign a contract in blood. :smalleek: That aside, praying for me is never a bad thing, and does make me feel good. :smallsmile:

reorith: I would love to give you some kind of reply your lack of human contact, but my own lack of human touch outweighs yours. This fact doesn't make me think I'm a robot or ghost; it makes me feel like a nothing. :smallfrown:

Dragonrider:

I'm sure there would be plenty of volunteers for that first kiss right here on this site. :smallwink:

And...You went up a dress size? Lemme guess...from a one that had to be taken in to an unadjusted one? :smalltongue: You've publically admitted to suffering from an eating disorder. I can't help but wonder which one. If you'd rather keep it completely private, I understand. If you have no problem revealing it to me, then feel free to send a PM.

Oh...And don't forget to be awesome. :smallwink:

ocato:

When I was in my mid-20's, my father once criticized me for working in the family business. It was an auto parts store in Brooklyn. "You're smarter than this entire neighborhood combined. Why would you want this?"

Logically speaking, it was a future. Down the line, Dad would retire and I would take over with my brother, Stu. It had provided my father with a decent living. I'd be my own boss, so I doubt I would have fired myself, no matter how ill I became. And there was something attractive about carrying on a family legacy.

Emotionally, Dad was right. I was about as comfortable working in Brownsville, Brooklyn as a neurosurgeon would be while working as a janitor. I just didn't fit in. Dad knew it. I knew it. His customers knew it. In fact, his customers would complain to my father that they thought I was a snob, and that they weren't comfortable coming to the store while I was there.

My father asked me to "dumb it down" for the sake of the business. I was unable to do so. I didn't have that skill, and I don't think I ever learned exactly how to do it for anyone or anything. As a result, my father asked that I leave the family business.

The lesson: you cannot MAKE yourself fit into a situation. Either you do, or you don't. In time, you will fince your niche. Until then, you will need to be patient.

As for your romantic issues, the plan I've formulated in my head will require a chocolate cake, a bicycle, some Silly Putty, and a fork lift...

Hmmm...On second thought, you might want to take it to the RW&A thread. :smallwink:

Faceist:

My advice to you is for your writer's block. I personally believe writing would be a great distraction to fill the void currently occupying your life.

First, create a file in your word processing program and call it whatever you feel is best. "Everything," "Babbling," "Spoon"...It doesn't matter what you call it, so long as you have it. When you feel yourself blocking, but feel the desire to write, open that file and write anything. I had such a thing, although it was before computers were a household item. Thus, it was a notebook, and I often found myself scribbling very silly things in it.

"Captain's Log, Stardate 324354.9: My chief engineer has become obsessed with putting widshield wipers on the Mortis. Because he is constantly exiting the ship to work on this, we can't fulfill any of our missions, as going to warp anything would result in his loss. Then again, that may not be such a bad thing."

I lost that notebook ages ago, but I recall writing something similar in it. I believe I also scribbled out a list of silly AD&D things, like a dragon whose entire treasure consisted of used tires.

The thing is that an idea may come along that, and once you scribble it into the file, you may find yourself on the proper path to working on your novel.

Best of luck. :smallsmile:

[ocato]

As for your romantic issues, the plan I've formulated in my head will require a chocolate cake, a bicycle, some Silly Putty, and a fork lift...

I see where you're going, but she's pretty skinny. I don't think I'll need a fork lift.

[Dallas-Dakota]

I´m slightly worried that I´l never have friends...:smallsigh:
I´m just the vague guy.
In the last four years I´ve been to four different schools, so much for having friends from school. Not on football(Soccer, for you americans.:smallwink:) club since years ago, that got booring..... Might start windsurfing sometime..
And the worst part is that my parents know that I don´t have friends.....

:smallsigh:

I have way to many secrets IRL. I even guess that some of you know me better then most IRL people....

:smallsigh:

Also, on the never meeting thing Gem-Bor.
I am plotting to meet Bor, he needs to go to Gencon Indy or I´l plot my way to visit him.....

And canada.... Err....Nope, gonna stick to the USA next summer, heck my brother and me had a hard time enough convincing our parents to go to America alone for our graduating(Granted, I´m going on with high school, but still..)....



:smallsigh:

[Gem Flower]

Gem Flower: Religion is a non-issue for me...unless you are praying to dark powers that would want me to sign a contract in blood. :smalleek: That aside, praying for me is never a bad thing, and does make me feel good. :smallsmile:

Err, no. I don't call on dark powers.:smallwink: You are officially in my nightly prayers.

DD: Hey, maybe I'll go to GenCon someday.:smallsmile:

[Hawk7915]

dallas-dakota: have you tried joining lots of different clubs? When I first came to college I was utterly alone and didn't know anyone, so I just forced myself to go to club meetings on a weekly basis after "Plan A: Randomly Sit with People at the Dining Center" failed spectacularly :smalltongue:. Political groups, major groups, book clubs, whatever I could find. It was rough, but eventually I found a few close friends and made several more contacts. If nothing else, you have everyone here :smallsmile:.

My stuff, since it's been a while since an updateI'm really, really stupid. I just stood around and jumped onto and off of a truck for two hours in the cold to help get the float ready for the Homecoming parade tomorrow...and now I'm so sore and exhausted I can hardly move. Bleh, I dunno why I keep throwing myself into these draining, dangerous situations :smallfrown:. Anyhow, I'm sitting home, alone tonight. Roommates are either out of town or at some party.

Lately I've been unable to get myself out of bed. I used to think a friend who said that was full of crap, but twice this week I've literally been unable to drag my butt out of bed and make it to class. I'm just utterly out of energy...it's a serious problem, since I lose points in one of the classes for missing it. I don't know what to do :smallannoyed:.

[ghost_warlock]

Hiya, all. Though I posted a bit in the first thread, mostly I just lurk around here anymore and read the posts for perspective. I do my best to avoid goat-slapping.

Anyway, here is my story:
In 2000/2001 I was diagnosed with Depressive Disorder, NOS (my symptoms didn't fit well with the other categories, although, looking back I think dysthymic disorder was the primary issue, although I was known to have the occasionaly hypomanic episode and I've had a couple major depressive episodes and I've since had a mixed episode as well). I saw a therapist for a little over half a year, and took anti-depressants for the length of time I was seeing the therapist (Paxil). In the spring of 2005 I saw a therapist again briefly as I dealt with the break-up of a long-term relationship, but I haven't gone back to taking any form of medication.

For the most part, I'm actually doing quite well. :smallsmile: Occasionally, I'll have a day, or a few days in sequence, that I'd describe as 'down,' as well as the occasional few hours of hypomania, but none of this has caused a serious impact on my daily life. Everyone has an 'off' day now and then, after all.

A major trigger I have, however, is my dreams. I'll occasionally, out of nowhere, dream about my ex-gf from Colorado, who I haven't seen for more than three years and haven't taked to for well over a year (we briefly e-mailed, checking up on each other, between Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2006).

It's distressing to me that, after all this time, these dreams still shake my foundation so much, dropping me into a depressive state that's hard to shake and trudging up (mostly) unwanted memories. My relationship with her ended with us breaking up and getting back together numerous times (we almost took turns on who would propose the hook/break-up) and with her seeing another guy in the meantime. During all of this, I moved out of the house we shared with some friends and the other guy moved in.

Then, one day during the spring of 2005, she decided that she couldn't stand him anymore (for a variety of issues, including his poor hygiene and inability to keep a job) and kicked him out. She came to me and said she wanted to get back together. However, shortly therafter she found out that she was pregnant with the other guy's child (we hadn't slept together for months). This bothered me but, since I was adopted by my step-father under similar circumstances, perhaps not as much as it would other guys. In the end, though, she ended up going back to him, saying it would be best for the baby if the biological father was around (I had no intention of staying in the area or having anything else to do with him).

Now, I've been involved in a fairly happy and comfortable relationship, and have been for going on three years. Our biggest problem in the relationship (so far as I know) is that we're sort of in a rut (but I'm working on some ways to allieviate this, as noted in the Relationship Woes thread). Admittedly, she has some intimacy/trust issues, but these are becoming less and less of a problem as years go by and she realizes I'm not like the abusive jerks (:smallfurious:) she's dated before.

I suppose this post is mostly a rant, of sorts, as there's little-to-nothing that can be done about intrusive, disruptive dreams. These sorts of dreams are akin to, and about the closest thing I have resembling, traditional nightmares. They've become less and less common as time goes by, only coming up once every few months whereas they used to occur several times in a week when the break-up was still fresh.

Anyway, I now return you to your regularly-scheduled Depression thread. :smallsmile:

[reorith]

Well, since ghosts are incorporeal, and you just typed, that rules that out. Robot's still a possibility. Easiest way to test: poke yourself. Are you hard and cold, or squishy and warm? If hard and cold, you are either a robot or frozen. If warm and squishy, you are alive or pudding. If squishy and cold, put on a sweater.

Note: the above was intended to make you smile, not demean you.

I would suggest you go out and talk to some people. Couldn't hurt.

so i took your advice and went out and talked to some people. then i ended up in a pool hall getting drunk with some college students. not gonna lie, it was much more eventful than my typical friday. thanks.

[Fawkes]

so i took your advice and went out and talked to some people. then i ended up in a pool hall getting drunk with some college students. not gonna lie, it was much more eventful than my typical friday. thanks.

That wasn't exactly what I was going for, but whatever works for you.:smallsigh:

*Mechafox does not condone underage drinking or public drunkenness. Please drink responsibly*

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

ocato: No, the fork lift was for the pallets of C-4 to be delivered later in the plan. But we should stop before we get in trouble. :smallwink:

D-D:

I would love to meet at GenCon, but for the fact that I could never afford the trip. Not unless many people contributed to plan tickets, motel room, and food. As far as I'm concerned, I used up that kind of favor when people got me to my brother.

Add to this the failing U.S. economy. Everything has gone up in price, even in the short time since I went to see my brother. Since this can easily devolve into a political discussion, I will leave it at that.

As for the social scene, you will never make/have friends if you don't step out of the shadows. It's usually impossible to be friends with everyone, so don't expect to accomplish that unless you are the social miracle that was my old friend who became a doctor. (How I befriended a guy who was friends with every clique in the school was a miracle unto itself, because I was even an outcast amongst the geeks!) Hawk has the right idea. Join various school groups. Even if you can't act, join the drama club and work backstage. Pick a sport and engage in that. Anything that allows you to interact with other humans is sure to have some effect on whether or not you have friend.

Gem Flower: I respectfully request you ask Him for two moderately-sized sacks filled with hundred dollar bills and improved health. I'll take it from there once I have those. :smallbiggrin:

Hawk7915:

Considering your serious health issues, surely there must be a way to explain your situation to your professors? If faced with a student that was facing something as serious as, say, cancer, they wouldn't penalize the student for getting sick, would they? Your ability to be functional could be dependent on something as unpredictable as the weather.

The easiest way of leaping this hurdle is to provide documentation from your doctor. Here's what you do. Get copies from your doctor of your diagnosis, last surgical procedure, and prognosis. Set up a meeting with your professor(s) during hours when you know your doctor will be in. Remember, documents can be faked, so the call is to be a form of backup. Because students get crafty, have your professor look up online your doctor's phone number. Have the professor of the moment call. He/she won't be able to get information on you without your permission, so have him hand you the phone once he/she has reached the doc's office, give permission for that office to share your diagnosis and any other information YOU feel the professor wil need, and then let the doc's office do all the confirming.

Of course, you could always just lift your shirt and show off your scars from multiple surgeries. It's simpler, although it might also be viewed as inappropriate. There should be, however, something that can be done, and if you need to take it to a dean, then do so.

As for your other problem, where you keep doing things you know you'll pay for later...It's "Bor story" time! :smallbiggrin:

Within the first year of my return to Phoenix, AZ, I stepped out to do some food shopping one day, and saw something too tempting. Someone had set up a shopping cart, on its side, right next to the stone wall surrounding my apartment complex. This set up what appeared to be a shortcut to the market.

As I would later tell several people, "I'd forgotten two things in that moment. The first is that I was 38. The other was that I was disabled." :smalleek:

The warmer weather out here had tricked me. You see, my diabetic neuropathy seems to become worst in the cold. Back in NY, I was constantly twisting my ankles because they would give out on me, especially in the cold. The muscles have atrophied. My ankles ain't what they used to be. But the warmth here had left me without an ankle-twist in some months, so I...forgot.

I climbed the cart, got onto the wall, and suddenly noticed how thin the wall actually was. What's more, it started to sway under my wieght. The faster I got down, the better. All I had to doo was drop to the ground. Sitting atop the wall, there was maybe three to four feet between the soles of my shoes and the ground. I'd dropped from greater heights...in my youth. Thus, I eased my tuchas off the top of the wall, and dropped to the ground.

It took only a few fractions of a second for events to unfold after that. I impacted with the ground, and my ankles instantly said, "No, I don't think we'll hold the rest of you up." They gave out and I fell sideways. The backtop I landed on refused to soften in that moment, and I scraped away plenty of flesh in the process of crashing the rest of the way.

Did I go home to tend my wounds? No, that would make sense. I continued on to the market, got fewer items than I wanted, but still shopped instead of tending my bleeding leg. (What a treat for the other shoppers, as I was wearing shorts!) Then I went home and got cleaned up. The result of all of this was painful infection and some ugly scarring. The area looked so bad at one point that I rushed to my PCP's office and got oral antibiotics to deal with the infection.

And what did Bor learn from this experience? "Know your limits." As much as I would like to do otherwise, there are things I could do when I was young that I cannot do now. Of course, my brain likes to think otherwise. I'll look at an attractive 19-year-old woman and think, I can keep up with that. Then the infanitely more logical voice kicks in, reminding me, She would break you. You might as well leave a note announcing your decision for suicide via intimacy.

Know your limits. Stop hurting yourself. Here endeth the lesson. :smallwink:

ghost_warlock: The ghosts of girlfriends past may well haunt you until the end of your days. "Woulda, coulda, shoulda" may well pester you at the worst moments. The best you can do is hope that their frequency continues to diminish. (Your current level of coping means there will be no goat-slapping, but the goat remains on standby. :smalltongue: )

reorith:

In no way is any kind of self-destructive behavior helpful. Yes, partying is something I think a majority of people do in their youth, but there are usually terrible prices to be paid. It can mean anything from starting down a road with few exits to escape in the way of addiction, to a lapse in judgement that has some young woman appearing on your doorstep a year later, saying, "Hi. Remember me? Well, I thought I'd drop by and tell you how your son/daughter/alien love child is doing."

I can't stress this enough. I have had my partying days and made some VERY bad choices. Various substances don't mix well with diabetes, and I am paying a price for that period of stupidity to this day.

I have also seen what addiction does to people. My family life, already a mess when it happened, was torn apart even more when my youngest brother (not Stu) discovered drugs. When I lived in a boarding house, I watched in horror as one housemate blew away $13,000 on drugs, and another, also addicted, started stealing my used insulin syringes from the trash! :smalleek:

Now, I'm not saying your addicted to anything. I'm trying to steer you away from any path that may lead to such a thing. Want to play pool? Knock yourself out. But drink some Diet Coke or something while you play. In the end, you'll find clarity of thought infinitely more enjoyable than lapse of judgement. :smallwink:

[Dallas-Dakota]

D-D:

I would love to meet at GenCon, but for the fact that I could never afford the trip. Not unless many people contributed to plan tickets, motel room, and food. As far as I'm concerned, I used up that kind of favor when people got me to my brother.

Add to this the failing U.S. economy. Everything has gone up in price, even in the short time since I went to see my brother. Since this can easily devolve into a political discussion, I will leave it at that.

As for the social scene, you will never make/have friends if you don't step out of the shadows. It's usually impossible to be friends with everyone, so don't expect to accomplish that unless you are the social miracle that was my old friend who became a doctor. (How I befriended a guy who was friends with every clique in the school was a miracle unto itself, because I was even an outcast amongst the geeks!) Hawk has the right idea. Join various school groups. Even if you can't act, join the drama club and work backstage. Pick a sport and engage in that. Anything that allows you to interact with other humans is sure to have some effect on whether or not you have friend.

<
Stupid RL laws of economy and nature.....
I however atleast demand that there be made a phone call or something at gen con, and there, not from here. Because if I made a trans-continent phone call my parents would get quite mad...

Bor, I´m at a school of 40 children, who all have various mental problems(Or have diagnosed as such) or just got into plain trouble. We have no drama groups. We have no ´backstage´group. Heck, we pretty much have four groups The senior group(Group of people, all in their later part of high school, of whom most are smokers), the klapla group(The group which plays with blocks, seriously), the table football people and other.
....
We don´t even have a popular group....

Sports.. I don´t really have a sport I like, I might start windsurfing sometime... Which really isn´t that great for meeting people I think, on the upside, when I go do real sports, regularly, the governments fund it! So freeeeee.:smallsmile:
Sadly, sports like skydiving I think aren´t funded....

[Fawkes]

Lately I've been unable to get myself out of bed. I used to think a friend who said that was full of crap, but twice this week I've literally been unable to drag my butt out of bed and make it to class. I'm just utterly out of energy...it's a serious problem, since I lose points in one of the classes for missing it. I don't know what to do :smallannoyed:.

This happened to me last year. I was so frustrated with my housing situaton that I literally couldn't find the energy to get up for nearly a whole week. As a result, my grades plummeted, and now I'm on academic probation and probably going to lose my scholarship. I know it sucks, but you have to do everything you can to make sure you get up and get to class. Force yourself to get up. Ask a friend to push you out the door. Don't make the same mistake I did.

[Jibar]

When you've resorted to hugging the unopened box of a Rock Band guitar controller, you know you have problems.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Once again, thenks everybody who listened and gave hugs, especially you two Bor and Cobra. *hugs*

[mercurymaline]

Just an update: the dog survived surgery, and I've been approved to adopt him. When the Humane Society called, the agoraphobic girl I live with answered the phone and brought it to me. Then she asked why the Humane Society would be calling. Um, I dunno, regarding the dog situation that's been going on for a while now? Now I'm worried; if she's getting confused about stuff that's going on, do I really want to bring a dog into the house?

[TigerHunter]

Just an update: the dog survived surgery, and I've been approved to adopt him.
:smallsmile:

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Wait...things are working out for people since I last posted? I...I don't know what to do. Quick, someone have a problem! I need someone to be miserable. I will save you! I am Super-Bor. I...

...am totally kidding, of course. :smallwink:

D-D: Wish I could be of more help, but all I find myself doing is wishing you luck on surviving such a place. :smallfrown: *HUGS!*

[Alien]

*crawls up and soaks Bor's knee with tears*

I wanna be good at something too. How do you do it, Super-Bor?

[Thanatos 51-50]

Wait...things are working out for people since I last posted? I...I don't know what to do. Quick, someone have a problem! I need someone to be miserable. I will save you! I am Super-Bor. I...

...am totally kidding, of course. :smallwink:

D-D: Wish I could be of more help, but all I find myself doing is wishing you luck on surviving such a place. :smallfrown: *HUGS!*

My knees hurt. I hate my job right now. I should have moved into my new, crummier barracks yesterday.

There we go!
*Waits for Super-Bor*

[Dallas-Dakota]

Is it a medic? Is it a healer? Is it a blessing from the gods? No! It´s....*drumrolls* Super-Bor!

:smalltongue:

[Pwenet]

I'm pretty sure I am suffering from caffeine sensitivity which has been causing all sorts of fun issues for me, so today is my first day cold-turkey caffeine.

Worst part - I love my pitch black coffee, I love my espresso drinks, I love my teas and my chai's. Yet if they keep screwing up with my mind, I got to stay away from them from now on :smalleek:

So yeah - It's relatively minor but still depresses me a bit.

[Fawkes]

I'm pretty sure I am suffering from caffeine sensitivity which has been causing all sorts of fun issues for me, so today is my first day cold-turkey caffeine.

Worst part - I love my pitch black coffee, I love my espresso drinks, I love my teas and my chai's. Yet if they keep screwing up with my mind, I got to stay away from them from now on :smalleek:

So yeah - It's relatively minor but still depresses me a bit.

Have you tried just using decaf? I don't know much about coffee, but it seems like it would be a reasonable substitute. *shrug* I'm sure you probably thought of this already, so, yeah.

Hot chocolate?

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Alien: It's odd that you should have that name. Simply put, Earth's yellow sun gives me my powers. You get to work out the rest. :smalltongue:

thanatos5150: This looks like a situation where my super-cliché powers would work best! "Suck it up." "Be a man." "Walk it off." "Stop being such a girl." "There's no crying in baseball!" Did that help? :smallconfused:

Seriously, Thanatos, I don't envy you being a tiny cog in the grand political machine that is the military. It would seem you've already learned where the "petty" in the title of "Petty Officer" comes from. (Used completely wrong, I believe, but you get my point.) You've learned an unfortunate lesson. That is, I hope you've learned. All you can do now is pray it doesn't happen again.

As for your knees... *hands over a couple Motrin* Those should help.

"Super-Bor, awaaaaaaay!" *attempts to fly, falls painfully on his knees, pulls cane from beneath his cape, and hobbles away*

D-D: I actually prefer my common declaration when I play City of Heroes. "I am not the Incredible Hulk, the Amazing Spider-Man, nor the Invincible Iron Man. I am...THE ADJECTIVE NOUN!" :smallbiggrin:

Pwenet: Mechafox is right. If you enjoy your various caffinated drinks, try to seek their decaffinated equivelents. One thing I know from experience, however, is that the sensative palate can tell the difference immediately and you will come to give up on trying them. Caffiene addiction is very real, so you may have to take measures to ween yourself off them. People may look at you like you've sprouted answers, but try drinking half and half mixes of coffee. Half caffiene and half decaf. You may still notice a difference, but the impact shouldn't be as strong. In fact, if you've been drinking this stuff a long time, you may want to go 3/4 caffinated and 1/4 decaf, then 1/2 and 1/2, then 1/4 caffiene and 3/4 decaf.

Hmmm...Looking up this information has me realizing I may have a problem with caffiene as well. Caffiene addiction comes quickly, so I imagine it can be reduced quickly. What I described above...Take the steps one week at a time. Your body should adjust swiftly.

For more information, go here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caffiene). There is an actual section on tolerance and withdrawal. Read and learn, Grasshopper.

Oh...As for you stating that your problem is relative minor...

Pwenet is walking through his workplace, minding his own business, when Bor leaps from around a corner and slaps him with a goat! :smallbiggrin:

[The Rose Dragon]

I'm mildly annoyed and anxious and at an easily pissed state because I've been sick for over a week.

Can we be annoyed and anxious and at an easily pissed state due to being sick for over a week here?

[Dallas-Dakota]

Errm, no?

Try being chronically ill.

[The Rose Dragon]

I'm already chronically depressed. That counts as a sort of illness (right?).

I'm just... mildly annoyed. I haven't been sick in more than two years and I forgot how annoying it can be.

[wadledo]

I'm already chronically depressed. That counts as a sort of illness (right?).

I'm just... mildly annoyed. I haven't been sick in more than two years and I forgot how annoying it can be.

Same here.
I'm not suposed to besick for more than 5 days.:smallmad:

[Pwenet]

Oh...As for you stating that your problem is relative minor...

Pwenet is walking through his workplace, minding his own business, when Bor leaps from around a corner and slaps him with a goat! :smallbiggrin:

And then Bor is ambushed by several dozen large men with large guns and dragged away from Pwenet workplace to a dark and hidden place where the government tosses people. The goat meanwhile starts glowing green :smallbiggrin:

Too bad Pwenet works in what could be considered a government fortress :smallsmile:

Now that has been taken care off:

Have you tried just using decaf? I don't know much about coffee, but it seems like it would be a reasonable substitute. *shrug* I'm sure you probably thought of this already, so, yeah.

Hot chocolate?



Pwenet: Mechafox is right. If you enjoy your various caffinated drinks, try to seek their decaffinated equivelents. One thing I know from experience, however, is that the sensative palate can tell the difference immediately and you will come to give up on trying them. Caffiene addiction is very real, so you may have to take measures to ween yourself off them. People may look at you like you've sprouted answers, but try drinking half and half mixes of coffee. Half caffiene and half decaf. You may still notice a difference, but the impact shouldn't be as strong. In fact, if you've been drinking this stuff a long time, you may want to go 3/4 caffinated and 1/4 decaf, then 1/2 and 1/2, then 1/4 caffiene and 3/4 decaf.

Hmmm...Looking up this information has me realizing I may have a problem with caffiene as well. Caffiene addiction comes quickly, so I imagine it can be reduced quickly. What I described above...Take the steps one week at a time. Your body should adjust swiftly.

For more information, go here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caffiene). There is an actual section on tolerance and withdrawal. Read and learn, Grasshopper.

For the first comment about trying other drinks, I have suspected for a long time there is something within me that does not like coffee, so I gave up 99% of coffee and switched to teas over a year ago. Basically when I drink coffee I get the following symptoms:
Nausa
Vertigo
Confusion
Restlessness
Super-Fast Speech (Combined with a heavy accent that is not good)
Feeling really really drunk (loss of inhibitions and change in personality)
Massive crash later on

And that was just from 1 cup of good old coffee.

I then switched to teas and everything was good and fine. But for the past few months I have been noticing minor changes when I drank the tea, until this weekend all those symptoms came at me full force after a cup of good chai that I made.

In addition this is something that may have some genetic roots, for my mother has the same thing. She gave up coffee and mostly drinks herbal teas (which I am considering buying once I find some good ones somewhere).

I did my own research for a while regarding this matter (including the link provided, thank you still), and it is pretty scary. Especially how some people would misdiagnose people with caffeine allergies with mental disorders, and the drugs that they gave don't mix well with caffeine :smalleek:

The main reason I'm going cold turkey is that I might have a cup of coffee at work if I'm crashing (which is bad) or on the weekend, so it's not frequent that I have it. And sadly it would be difficult to do the 1/2 & 1/2 for teas, so I figured I would get my system forced back on track.

Now to find a place that sells some herbal tea (didn't find any at the grocery store today :smallfrown:).

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Okay, folks...Calm down. The term "chronically ill," in my book, counts physically and mentally. A combination of the two can actually be worse.

Let's look at me, for a moment, to see how this is possible.

Already physically ill, I become upset with something. It doesn't matter what it is. That I am upset is enough to cause me trouble. You see, the body produces all sorts of chemicals, some of which are naturally occurring steroids. In a fight or flight situation, these steroids enter the bloodstream, preparing the body to make a stand or run for it. Steroids, however, raise the blood sugar. There's a simple reason for this. For fight or flight, the body will need energy, and sugar is its best source.

As a diabetic, I don't process the sugar well, so when my glucose goes up, I become sick. Becoming sick makes me more upset. Becoming upset means a higher blood glucose. Which makes me sicker, Which makes me more upset. Which makes me sicker. Which makes me more upset...etc. It's why I have meds to calm me down when things become too stressful.

The common cold can produce similar effects on people who don't have diabetes. Your body is trying to fight, and will produce a variety of chemicals in an effort to rid itself of the invading virus. Aside from simply feeling miserable from whatever is making you sick, you have these chamicals which could well have an effect on your mental status. It's probably why doctors tell you to get plenty of rest when you're sick; sleeping is better than irritating everyone around you to the point of wanting to kill you. :smallwink:

So for those of you not feeling well, go get some rest, drink plenty of fluids, and try not to whine for "soop and sammiches" too much. :smalltongue:

Pwenet: Your best bet is probably a health food store. Just be sure to check the labels first, as even herbal teas can have caffiene.

[Copacetic]

:smalltongue:Aww man, I'm depressed that Bor hasn't written any new fictional blog posts.(Hint hint, nudge nudge.:smalltongue:)

[Dallas-Dakota]

He´s been dry on writing that, orso he told me in PM today. Sorry.

Also, chronic migraine is both mental and physical as it makes your head hurt, a lot. And it makes you mentally weaker and hurt. No pills for my PDD-NOS, so I guess that´s chronic as well. And that´s pretty much the only two things you could officially call chronic ill....

[Pwenet]

Pwenet: Your best bet is probably a health food store. Just be sure to check the labels first, as even herbal teas can have caffiene.

Thanks for the suggestion, I might go looking for a store around here.

[Jimp]

Time for me to make a post. I'll spoiler it for your convenience.

I actively enjoy learning more about myself and finding out about the different sides of my personality and this has lead to me realising my latest problems.

Lately I've been feeling very empty and apathetic. I've been skipping a lot of morning lectures, though I always attend assessments or evening ones, largely out of just not feeling the need to get out of bed. I can't really explain why, because I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Life is going reasonably well at the moment outside of the college-skipping. My car is nice and shiny and I've started to DIY attach the stuff I've bought for it. I'm chairperson of the college's gaming society and have tripled attendance, moved meets to a much nicer building, secured a larger budget and revived some dead activities, so I'm pretty happy with that. My band has just recorded its first 4 song EP, we're just waiting for it to finish mastering. My college grades have been slipping a bit. I'm down from number 1 in the class to maybe 4 or 5, but that said I'm doing more things that make me happy outside of just classes so I think it's a good balance. I'm a bit lonely seeing as I haven't had a girlfriend in close to 3 years, but that doesn't bother me too much to be honest. I just don't know why I feel so empty lately. Maybe this big ass rant could shed some light on it.

Which leads me nicely to my next point. I've discovered that I'm very forgetful. I would have realised sooner but I guess I forgot :smallbiggrin:. What really brought it to my attention was when 3 of my friends were talking about movies the other night. They covered a pretty wide list of movies nearly all of which I had seen but I couldn't remember one thing about them. I came out of my electronics lecture a few days ago, a friend asked me what we had done in it and I could barely remember the title of what we dide (it was operational amplifiers). If you handed me an op-amp and asked me to use it I totally could, my memory kicks in then, but any other time and I couldn't tell you squat about it. This fact is bumming me out a small bit. There have been a lot of conversations lately where I know what everyone is talking about but cannot remember a thing about it. Let's say we were talking about a game. While talking about it I could barely remember anything about it. If I see someone playing it I'll remember everything I know about it. This seems to apply to a lot of things, which results in me not being able to contribute to conversations or hold up my end, which makes me sad. This has been especially true in trying to get to know the new members of the gaming society. I'd talk to them, they bring up a game, I blank, conversation breaks down, I make a bad impression. I don't like that :smallfrown:. It makes me look stupid and boring and I end up missing out on talks with people because of it.

Speaking of talking with people, I think I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. I know what I like alright, but it seems that one interest or another of mine pisses off people I know. My favourite interests are games (even if I haven't played many newer games I do enjoy playing), movies including indie/foreign film and animé (if I could ever remember what I've seen :smallbiggrin:), cars (Volkswagen nut :smalltongue:) and music (playing and listening). Musically I like two pretty conflicting genres: alternative rock and hardcore dance/trance. See, what happens is that whatever friend I'm talking to will probably share my taste in 1 or 2 of those topics, but hate 1 or 2 of the others. For example, my housemates are some of my best friends but they all hate my musical taste and don't like talking about cars. My friends who like cars usually hate my taste in movies and some of my musical taste. My friends who like my musical taste blah blah blah. You get the picture. I also dislike reading for leisure, it just doesn't appeal to me and I don't enjoy it, which seems to piss of everyone. As a result of all this I often feel a bit disconnected from whatever friends I'm talking to, no matter how close we may be. When I meet a gamer friend and he asks what's up and my only reply that day is about my car then I can't help but feel like I'm letting them down and we could never be as good friends as we could be. On a related side note to this, because of my varying and conflicting interests I feel like I have never had a best friend. I've never really had that connection with someone :smallfrown:.
To expand on the identity crisis part of this some more, my interests kind of leave me having a few different groups of friends who are interested in some combination of my interests. It seems that each of these groups has a different way of approaching things/sense of humor/phraseology. I've noticed that I almost subconsciously emulate the traits of whichever group of friends I'm with at a given time. This saddens me greatly :smallfrown:. It makes me feel like I have no personality of my own :smallfrown:. I signed up to a social website the other day and in the 'about me' section I couldn't think of anything to describe myself since I felt that no matter what I wrote it would only ever be partly true and could change depending on the situation. It's like... I feel that I don't know who I am anymore :smallfrown:.

As a sort of combined result as everything I've ranted about, it seems that lately my answer to a lot of things has been "I. . .I don't know". Either I can't remember or I feel so conflicted about how to answer that my brain just shuts down. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so empty lately. I don't know really :smallfrown:.


I think that's it. Thanks for reading.

[Gem Flower]

Gem Flower: I respectfully request you ask Him for two moderately-sized sacks filled with hundred dollar bills and improved health. I'll take it from there once I have those. :smallbiggrin:

Note to self: Cast finance spell for Bor. Yes, my religion actually has that.:smallbiggrin:

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Frigs: I need to revisit the fictional blog and do some heavy duty fixing. You see, it's a work of fiction, but was supposed to be something that could meld with reality so that events could never quite be confirmed, but remain a possibility. Most upsetting to me was that massacre in NY, which would be splashed across headlines around the world. It was a creative turn that led me to a brick wall.

Another things is that I had hoped it would be more interactive. I posted in the Arts and Crafts area, hoping that people would write to the main character. It didn't happen. A few times, I tried writing fictional e-mails he could reply to, and thought it obvious that I was creating nothing but "fluff."

Thus, the fiction has stalled. Until such a time as my muse agrees to let me work on it, I'm afraid that project will hang in limbo.

Jimp:

There is a quote from the movie, Die Hard in which the main villain, Hans Gruber, says, "And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer." Your post made me immediately think of that. Your words almost seem to translate to, "Things are going well. I am content. Therefore, I have a problem."

Like Alexander, you went forth and conquered what you could, but socially, not geographically. You saw the things you liked and wanted, adventured into them, created a niche for yourself in those realms, and came away pleased.

Alas, like Roamns of old, you're finding you have more territory than you can control. Too many fingers in too many pies, as it were. You like the taste of each area you exist in, but you've spread yourself too thin. From my perspective, you have everything and nothing all at once. I say this because you lack focus. Trying to please everyone in all of your different social circles is impossible. It's time to start clearing some of the things from your existential plate.

Force yourself to make a chart, scaling from one to ten, with ten being the most important. Place the number horizontally on the top of your chart. Now list ten aspects of your life beneath and to the left vertically. Now assign a rating to each aspect. Here's the trick, though...Once you assign a number to an aspect, that number CANNOT be used again! So let's say that education receives a ten rating, as it should. Music or your gaming group cannot also rank ten. Music may take number nine, while gaming may take number eight. Three years without a girlfriend? Hmmm...Maybe that gets a number six. Your love of Volkswagons might be rated a three. And so on.

Once you're done, start looking at those things receiving low ratings. Basically, one through five should be phased out, or at least minimized. Less focus on those things might well bring greater focus for the top five, and your scattered mind will be turned into a lens that will allow you to find your identity with greater ease. :smallsmile:

Hope that helps. Meanwhile, I'll be trying to get back my glowing green goat once I find my way out of this place I've been tossed by the large men with large guns. :smalltongue:

Gem Flower: Hmmm...I like that spell. I like it a lot. Please cast it ten times a day, and I'll let you know when it works. :smallwink:

[Thanatos 51-50]

thanatos5150: This looks like a situation where my super-cliché powers would work best! "Suck it up." "Be a man." "Walk it off." "Stop being such a girl." "There's no crying in baseball!" Did that help? :smallconfused:

Seriously, Thanatos, I don't envy you being a tiny cog in the grand political machine that is the military. It would seem you've already learned where the "petty" in the title of "Petty Officer" comes from. (Used completely wrong, I believe, but you get my point.) You've learned an unfortunate lesson. That is, I hope you've learned. All you can do now is pray it doesn't happen again.

As for your knees... *hands over a couple Motrin* Those should help.

"Super-Bor, awaaaaaaay!" *attempts to fly, falls painfully on his knees, pulls cane from beneath his cape, and hobbles away*
I wouldn't have even brought it up had you not sdked for someone to help, actually.
Yes, Self-esteem is getting harder and harder to come by, and I never exactly had much to go on, anyway.
:smallsigh:

Just a minor issue, really.
Also, thanks, but my knees were already better by the time you posted that.



Nausa
Vertigo
Confusion
Restlessness
Super-Fast Speech (Combined with a heavy accent that is not good)
Feeling really really drunk (loss of inhibitions and change in personality)
Massive crash later on
You just listed a textbook "High". Caffiene is still a drug, and you can still get high from it.

I reccommend cutting back, though maybe not completely off.
*Guzzles a 12-pack of mountain dew and takes a power nap*

[sktarq]

You just listed a textbook "High". Caffiene is still a drug, and you can still get high from it.

I reccommend cutting back, though maybe not completely off.
*Guzzles a 12-pack of mountain dew and takes a power nap*

Yep. It is a powerful and VERY addictive drug. Just remember if you give powdered caffine to a crack addict they will tell it is primo goods and ask where you can get more.....I only wish I was kidding. It's stronger be weight, and was a very propular illegal drug at a school I went to for a time. Cocaine was considered a weak substitute.

Another option is to switch over to caffinated herbal and/or green teas. They have enough caffine to calm your withdrawl symptoms but but not get you going in a high , then as you get used to the taste and a lower caffine level you can switch over to very low/no caffine versions.

[Teej]

OK, new poster here, just wanted to vent a few things before going back to lurking.



Alright, first a quick couple of notes:

i. My brain operates about 30% slower than a normal person's, and this also affects my reaction times and so on. This is a serious problem for me, and most people either don't even notice it due to problem 2 below, or simply assume I'm stupid because I take so long to respond, which really annoys me.

ii. for the whole last term in year 12 (11th grade, I think, for the Americans, the second-to-last year of school), which was a year and a half ago, I suffered from an illness that to this day remains officially undiagnosed. I slept for about 20 hours a day, waking only for small amounts of food (and I'm usually on 3000+ calories a day just to stay alive), and vital functions. I had no motivation to do anything, my mind didn't seem to function when I was awake, and none of the dozen plus blood tests, nor sundry other, less pleasant examinations, turned up anything. Eventually, these symptoms just went away, and it was decided that it could have been depression, which is reasonable, given that school was incredibly boring for me, and the acne medication I was on is known to occassionally cause depression. There is also the possibility it could have been a strange interaction between the acne medication I was taking and my antihistamine pills for my severe hayfever.

Anyways, ever since then I've found it harder to interact with people, incredibly difficult to motivate myself to do anything, and a small degree of the mental fog still remains most days, which is very unnerving, especially when it makes me forget things that I deliberately try to remember. Now, on to my main problems.

1. My asthma medication. I am, and always have been, very sensitive to medication. Any side effects can be guarenteed to happen if I'm taking the drug. My asthma treatment involves a pill once daily and a steroid inhaler twice daily, which is not a problem. The problem is that, after a couple of days on the medication my brain seems to slow down even further, grinding like a set of rusty gears (I can sometimes almost hear it straining to work). Of course, when I stop my medication, my breathing worsens (not to such a degree that I'm considerably impaired, but I can still feel it), and so I try to cycle my medication so that I'm as mentally functional as possible, even if I don't currently need to be in my job. This leads to my next point.

2. My intelligence. I'm not trying to boast or show off, but I'm smart. With the 30% handicap, I test at 138 IQ (by a registered psychologist). With this comes a few problems. The first of these is the ease by which I become bored. This is the main reason that the doctors considered that I had depression, as school was not intellectually stimulating enough. Of course, this means my job causes a few problems for me, as landscape gardening is not the most enthralling of jobs. The second problem is that I have, quoting the psychologist, "Aspergic tendancies", or, in other words, I'm bad with people, most specifically with interpreting emotion and intention, and of course, I can't read body language at all. This wasn't too much of a problem in my school, as the year was very small and I'd had time to get used to everyone, and got on well with them, however, it has become a problem now, as I am still terrified of social situations, and need someone else with me to act as a sort of support - I don't even need particularly to talk to them, but I need them in the room or I start to feel panicky and look for an out. As I am living in a new area, with no friends nearby (to give you an idea, the nearest of my schoolfriends is in Liverpool, I'm in Devon, i.e. opposite ends of the country.), and am too scared to join a sporting club or similar, I'm stuck with my fellow workers (of which there are three), the only one of whom who is not at least double my age being an effort to talk to because he gets confused if I use polysyllabic words, nice though he is. Heck, the nervousness around people is so bad it's taken me about 4 weeks to get together the courage to write this post.

To boot, I'm also worried that I may become depressed again, does anyone have any advice?

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Teej:

Sounds to me like you have social anxiety disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder). Even here, in one of the best communities on the web. You said it yourself. "Heck, the nervousness around people is so bad it's taken me about 4 weeks to get together the courage to write this post." The thing is, you've jumped a hurdle by making the post. Kudos to you, my friend. :smallsmile:

The level of your suffering makes me want to direct you to a doctor for medications. The problem there is your sensetivity to such things. You sound like the kind of guy who needs meds to cope with the meds that you take for your meds. Not a good place to be.

Crossing that off the list, I would recommend therapy. To say, "You need to learn those skills that will help you function in public," becomes useless without a teacher on hand. A good therapist would be just that. Finding a good therapist may turn out to be a bit of a quest, but once you find him/her, things should improve.

Your greatest obstacle with a therapist, I sense, will be trust issues. I'm not sure how it operates across the pond, but here in the US, doctors are bound by confidentiality laws, especially when dealing with an adult. (I believe they have to report to parents if the patient is a minor.) If it's the same in the UK, then you need not worry the doc is telling the world about your problems.

Honesty is the ticket when it comes to therapy. Based on your post, I'm going to make a suggestion in order to get to the heart of things without requiring a dozen sessions before you're comfortable enough to open up. Write out the highlights of what you'd like to discuss on paper. This way your nervous hands and worried eyes have something to focus on. Let your written highlights guild you to so free-flowing chat about what's bothering you; you can even explain that you have the paper because maintaining eye contact, even in a doctor/patient scenario, requires the distraction of a piece of paper to get through it. Express your desire to learn those skills you need so you can cope without such visual aids...

...and you may well find yourself feeling better for at least making the effort. Therapy, just like psych meds, does not work overnight. It takes time. But you can garner satisfaction from doing something about the problem to begin with, instead of suffering in silence.

Now, I make an effort to keep room in my PM box for any and all who want to speak in a more private venue. As you may have further difficulty venting in the open like this, you're more than welcome to send me a private message. I, of course, am the amateur therapist on this thread. If you would rather have suggestions from a professional, contact Smellie Hippie.

I will close this by saying that you should stop lurking. It's a surrender to your psychological problems, and interacting with us, "faceless internet" people, should be less of a problem than "real world" people. Can't make public posts? Send a few PMs to start opening up and meeting people.

Most of us only bite on request. :smallwink:

[Tragic_Comedian]

Going to the doctor depresses me.

[mercurymaline]

Hey, look, it's me again! *sigh*


As I’ve said before, the house I’m staying in belongs to someone out of country. I’m just taking care of it while she’s gone. She gets a separate maintenance pay to cover keeping the house so she has someplace to come back to. Except she gets less in maintenance pay than she was supposed to, and never told me. The money goes into and account and is directly debited when it’s due. I never see any of it, I never deal with it. She’s been depositing extra money, and she can’t afford to cover the difference anymore. She just told me a few hours ago, and I, my partner, and the owner’s crazy daughter have to find a place and move out by the end of the month. The daughter has to go stay with family, b/c I have no ties to her beyond staying in that house, and she drives me nuts. Since L*** didn’t bother to tell me there was a problem til now, I have 17 days to find a place to stay and move all my stuff. All L***'s stuff is just gonna have to stay in the house; there's nowhere for me to put it, no way for me to move it. She left all her furniture and everything, b/c she assumed she'd be coming back to the same place. I wouldn't move it for her, even if I wasn't so pissed. I won't have time.

No way am I gonna be able to afford to find a place and put a deposit down in that amount of time. The paperwork on my parent’s property isn’t ready, or I’d be taking over there. I was planning on doing that anyway, but not til March of 2010. So it looks like I’ll be doing what I said I’d never do: ask to move in with my mum. And my partner will have to come with, b/c he’s also got nowhere else to go on such short notice. My mum is NOT cool with him. The worst thing is, she warned me something dumb like this would happen, and I didn’t listen. So I’m gonna get an earful from her.

I got word as I was walking out the door to go to work, and now I’m stuck here, unable to do anything or call anyone. I’m just sitting here worrying. I feel responsible for E***, I told him it would all be taken care of, and convinced him to move in with me, when he had a perfectly good place to live, that wouldn’t get pulled out from under him at random. And now we’re all screwed, and I feel like I’ve let him down.

[Fan]

First time here on my own account, so I'll keep this quick, and simple.


Recently I've been feeling that EVERYONE hates me in some way shape, or form. Even here on the playground I have noticed that alot of people seem to be harboring a sort of silent agression towards me, and this isn't just some recent development I've been seeing this ever since like the third month I've joined... is it just me being crazy, or am i really just that unlikeable a person?

[Oregano]

FF Fanboy, I feel like sometimes, even about people I believe are my colest friends and that even though I trust them completely, I shouldn't, I think it's just paranoia.

And I don't hate you, I think you're pretty cool.

[Player_Zero]

I'm feeling pretty f****** awful. Quite easily the worst time in my life. I won't bore you with the details since I don't really care for your advice anyway.

[Coplantor]

Hey, FFF. Look, that same thing happens to me way to often, I guess, I have no reason to hate you and I cant notice even one single reason for the rest of the playground to hate you. You are being a little crazy, that´s it, I think is normal.

P.S: Dragonprime told me that while he's away from the playground I should stalk you instead, so... Im looking at you...

[Fan]

Hey, FFF. Look, that same thing happens to me way to often, I guess, I have no reason to hate you and I cant notice even one single reason for the rest of the playground to hate you. You are being a little crazy, that´s it, I think is normal.

P.S: Dragonprime told me that while he's away from the playground I should stalk you instead, so... Im looking at you...

Well I'm glad for all your support, and this does make me feel alot better now that I realise that I'm not hated by as many people as I thought I was.
Thanks.:smallsmile:

Also DragonPrime is away?
I just saw him in the Iron Prison thread.

[Coplantor]

well, he's still here, he said that from date A to date B, he wont be posting.

[Fawkes]

Fanboy, don't take any meanness on the internet personally. Especially on SMBG. Most of the time, they don't even mean to sound mean (and if they do, it's usually because they're just mean people.)

[Thanatos 51-50]

Going to the doctor depresses me.

In the Navy, we have Corpsman, whos two-letter raing designation is HM. IT STANDS for Hospitalman, but we like to joke it stands for hydrate & Motrin, because thats all they ever prescribe.
I try to avoid the doctor at all costs, so I can feel you there. Give yourself a lollpop treat or something post-doctor. Appls some positive reinforcement to yourself.
Or something.

I'm feeling pretty f****** awful. Quite easily the worst time in my life. I won't bore you with the details since I don't really care for your advice anyway.

I'm right there with you, fellow member of the "People Suck and are quite Scary" club. I won't offer advice, but will offer well-wishes and that cliche kernal of wisdom: "This too, shall pass"


Hey, look, it's me again! *sigh*


As I’ve said before, the house I’m staying in belongs to someone out of country. I’m just taking care of it while she’s gone. She gets a separate maintenance pay to cover keeping the house so she has someplace to come back to. Except she gets less in maintenance pay than she was supposed to, and never told me. The money goes into and account and is directly debited when it’s due. I never see any of it, I never deal with it. She’s been depositing extra money, and she can’t afford to cover the difference anymore. She just told me a few hours ago, and I, my partner, and the owner’s crazy daughter have to find a place and move out by the end of the month. The daughter has to go stay with family, b/c I have no ties to her beyond staying in that house, and she drives me nuts. Since L*** didn’t bother to tell me there was a problem til now, I have 17 days to find a place to stay and move all my stuff. All L***'s stuff is just gonna have to stay in the house; there's nowhere for me to put it, no way for me to move it. She left all her furniture and everything, b/c she assumed she'd be coming back to the same place. I wouldn't move it for her, even if I wasn't so pissed. I won't have time.

No way am I gonna be able to afford to find a place and put a deposit down in that amount of time. The paperwork on my parent’s property isn’t ready, or I’d be taking over there. I was planning on doing that anyway, but not til March of 2010. So it looks like I’ll be doing what I said I’d never do: ask to move in with my mum. And my partner will have to come with, b/c he’s also got nowhere else to go on such short notice. My mum is NOT cool with him. The worst thing is, she warned me something dumb like this would happen, and I didn’t listen. So I’m gonna get an earful from her.

I got word as I was walking out the door to go to work, and now I’m stuck here, unable to do anything or call anyone. I’m just sitting here worrying. I feel responsible for E***, I told him it would all be taken care of, and convinced him to move in with me, when he had a perfectly good place to live, that wouldn’t get pulled out from under him at random. And now we’re all screwed, and I feel like I’ve let him down.

I acknowledge and do appreciate that my current situation is wildly different -Living in the barracks does, occasionally, confer advantages. Last weekend marks the thir time in six weeks I've moved barracks rooms - all of them for purely book-keeping reasons. The CMC of one ship wanted to do a walkthough of the barracks hes going to be putting his guys in DECEMBER last month, so the BEQ had to move everybody out and move the overflow to the Marine barracks, and they have more people cominging in NEXT MONTH, so the BEQ had to move all the sailors out, NOW. Its all rather ridiculous.

Anyway, it seems like you have a solid (If not ideal) plan of action figured out, so I hearby offer you these e-cookies and borwnies, hugs, and wellwishes.

And finally, FF Fanboy - I'll PM you about it after I wake up. Its time for Thanatos to do the sleepy-time tango, and I don't want to release the thing I have to say on that situation into the public forum.

[mercurymaline]

@ Thanatos:
It's alright, just very frustrating. I never know anything til it's too late for me to do anything about it. She's trying to take care of everything from half a world away, without keeping anyone it effects in the loop. We crunched numbers when I got home, and we've enough money to take care of everything for another 4 months. If her maintenance pay isn't upped by then, we'll have to go. At least that gives me plenty of enough time to find other arrangements. As for her stuff, her house, her daughter, I dunno. If she can't get out of the contract/afford a plane ticket home, she might just be outta luck.

[Proven_Paradox]

Dox is bummed again.I've reached a point in life where paths are being closed off to me. The point of no return, if you will.

I know what I want. Or at least, what I think I want. I want to live the life of the mind, pushing the boundaries in my field--computer science for those interested, though it doesn't really matter for this bit of complaining--forward in new and interesting ways. I feel most alive when I'm gaming--tabletop and otherwise--or when I'm solving an interesting problem. Seeing as I'm unlikely to be able to make a living doing the former, all of my serious efforts have been invested into the latter. My ultimate goal is a Ph.D, focused in artificial intelligence and/or robotics.

Today was senior project presentations. We started on ours last year--this was essentially the climax of six months of work. And naturally, everything that could have possibly gone wrong with my presentation did. I prepared for it as well as I know how, but somehow I managed to send myself the wrong version of both my power-point AND my program, so errors I had corrected and bugs I had eliminated were still present during the presentation. Topping things off, the one bug that I was legitimately unable to remove in time was jumped on by the professor who's actually taught me AI and robotics--whose support is absolutely critical to getting me into a suitable graduate school. My explanation left him visibly and deeply unimpressed, as well as the rest of the room. The aura of pity from the other students in the room was almost tangible. Naturally, about ten minutes into the next presentation, I thought of what I should have said. Too little, too late.

I fear a lot of paths that I actually wanted to investigate were closed to me today. My grades are good, but without strong letters of recommendation from this professor, getting to do what I want to do is at best unlikely. My performance in past classes of his has been good, but the sloppy blunders I committed today will likely be the primary thing on his mind as I ask him to write a recommendation letter. The other professors too.

I find myself wondering what I could live with. I know I wouldn't be able to manage standard labor-force work--everyone in my family end has ended up there so far, and from what I've seen of them, it makes them all miserable. I don't think I'm strong enough to handle that. Would I be able to handle the type of work that a simple bachelor's degree would net me? I've never been good at working on someone else's terms on problems that don't necessarily interest me. I can't see myself being happy like that.

Plus, this is a horrible area and a horrible economic state to graduate into. My odds of finding a job right now are lower than they've been in years. My family's gone into massive debt to get me through college, and they're about to have to do it again to get my brother through as well--and it looks like he won't have the same scholarships chances as I. I need to get my act together, because my family needs another source of income--or at least for me to stop being completely dependent on them. As it's shaping up right now, I won't even be able to do that much.

I'm depressed and I feel like an utter failure right now. Most of my peers have jobs arranged already--many of them are already working them, even. They're moving onwards, and have a lot to look forward to, and I feel as though I've already been left behind.

I'm pissed off because every single one of them got those jobs through connections established by relatives or acquaintances who're already involved wherever they're working. They didn't have to find these jobs and opportunities; they came to them. I see no opportunities for me here simply because I'm part of the first generation in my family to go beyond high school. That others can get everything handed to them while I can't find anything at all is determined not by merit, but by who we know--the injustice of it makes my blood boil.

I find myself asking which is worse. Realizing that you're not as good as you thought? Or that the world isn't as good as you thought?

[TigerHunter]

I need to cry. But I just... can't.

[Pyrian]

Proven_Paradox, screwing up one (one!) presentation is not nearly sufficient grounds to count yourself incompetent, nevermind give up on a whole life path. Everybody makes mistakes. Turn it around if you can - go ahead and give your too-late answer to your professor, fix the program and show it if you can (most teachers will actually appreciate and be impressed by the initiative). No, really, do. Then, forge ahead regardless and get as far as you can.

Don't overvalue school, BTW. Once you've been working in the field a few years, people are going to be much more interested in what you've actually accomplished in the real world than all your academic achievements put together. Especially in computer science, where many people working today never bothered with degrees, making their mark as teenagers in their parents' garages!

[Dragonus45]

So hi everyone, umm September was the one year anniversary of my mothers death. We didn't have the closest or most stable of relationships and i had a lot of support from my friends at first and what little family i talk to has been great. But no matter how many people i talk to try to help it rarely lasts. Only lately my life seems very empty, really really empty. All i ever do is sit on the pc or sit on my couch reading a book, on occasion I'll hang out with my friends but they all seem more distant than they used to. What bothers me most is i've already gone through most of this after she died. Then things started to feel better and now im right back where i started. Its not getting better though this time. After she died i was so close to not graduating that i couldn't take more than a day off of high school and it was easy to distract myself. Then summer came along and i was to buy celebrating with my friends and partying to let myself think about it. I feel like im just running around in circles and sometimes i can't even make heads or tails of my own thought proceses. Really playground i could use some help. Another thing that bothers me is that i just can't cry. I've tried, no matter how sad i get or how much i need to i just can't do it.

[Proven_Paradox]

Proven_Paradox, screwing up one (one!) presentation is not nearly sufficient grounds to count yourself incompetent, nevermind give up on a whole life path. Everybody makes mistakes. Turn it around if you can - go ahead and give your too-late answer to your professor, fix the program and show it if you can (most teachers will actually appreciate and be impressed by the initiative). No, really, do. Then, forge ahead regardless and get as far as you can.

Don't overvalue school, BTW. Once you've been working in the field a few years, people are going to be much more interested in what you've actually accomplished in the real world than all your academic achievements put together. Especially in computer science, where many people working today never bothered with degrees, making their mark as teenagers in their parents' garages! See, the problem is that screwing up this presentation actually is grounds for those who were watching to count me incompetent. I've been focused on this non-stop for six months. There were no excuses for screwing up. These are the people I need to be on my side when I try to get into graduate school.

And there's another problem. I can't really do anything I actually want to do without graduate school. Getting those "real world" accomplishments that you refer to sounds more to me like giving up on actually doing what I want to do. But right now, I don't think there's much of a choice. No one's going to give a research grant to a guy who so royally screwed up his senior project.

I find myself wondering how familiar you are with computer science, as that second paragraph contains a standard (and vaguely offensive, to me) stereotype that is false with a few VERY rare exceptions. I've not seen a CS related job higher than data entry (which is rather low level, honestly) that doesn't at least require a degree.

[Jimp]

Re: Bor: I appreciate the advice and mean no offence by this but I really don't see why I should have to start curbing/prioritising my passions =/. Thanks for the advice though :smallsmile:.

Any other input?

[Lord Tataraus]

I'm burned out.

Growing depression over the last week or so, and I'm just burned out. Empty. Completely apathetic and sick of doing...anything. I've got a big project due Friday and I can't do it. I can't figure out how to tell the professor that I can't do it. I've tried put I just can't get the motivation, or the clarity to concentrate. I feel like I'm constantly in a state of confusion; distant from everything and everyone.

I just want to fade into the background; disappear.

Cúmë. meh, it just doesn't seem poetic anymore...

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Hi, folks. What's left of Bor's brain, here. Despite taking his psych meds regularly and being back to his full, recommended dose, Bor has been blowing some emotional fuses the past few days. (The last two posts in his real blog seem to cover some of what's going on inside his mind.) As a result, he's been wanting to help, but finding it increasingly difficult to do so. Some nonsense about crushing dispair, hating his existence, and various other negative thoughts.

Oh...He's also dreading a rheumatology appointment he has tomorrow. What's bothering him most is the idea that he will be told what's wrong, and that there's nothing else that can be done but keep feeding the problem more pills. Bor is really starting to hate pills.

On the up side, he's had several lengthy discussions with his cat. The downside to that is that her only responses seem to be "Meow." This could be meaningful advice, but the language barrier makes understanding it impossible. There may also be a messsage hidden in the act of exposing her tummy to him, but it's likely just a request to have it scratched, and he has obliged thus far.

Both of his big toes, his left hip, and left shoulder say, "Hi. Please kill us."

This is what's left of Bor's brain, signing off.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Hi, folks. What's left of Bor's brain, here. Despite taking his psych meds regularly and being back to his full, recommended dose, Bor has been blowing some emotional fuses the past few days. (The last two posts in his real blog seem to cover some of what's going on inside his mind.) As a result, he's been wanting to help, but finding it increasingly difficult to do so. Some nonsense about crushing dispair, hating his existence, and various other negative thoughts.

Oh...He's also dreading a rheumatology appointment he has tomorrow. What's bothering him most is the idea that he will be told what's wrong, and that there's nothing else that can be done but keep feeding the problem more pills. Bor is really starting to hate pills.

On the up side, he's had several lengthy discussions with his cat. The downside to that is that her only responses seem to be "Meow." This could be meaningful advice, but the language barrier makes understanding it impossible. There may also be a messsage hidden in the act of exposing her tummy to him, but it's likely just a request to have it scratched, and he has obliged thus far.

Both of his big toes, his left hip, and left shoulder say, "Hi. Please kill us."

This is what's left of Bor's brain, signing off.

Bor, I know how you're feeling...Cause I'm pretty braindead at the moment myself....(Listening Highway to Hell by AC DC over and over and over again....So bad.. But so good...)
Maybe ask your... Rheumatologe? For a way to improve your body so in the end you won't need pills? And if it costs money, how to get that, cause I'm sure there's plenty of ways you can get the government to give you some for one....
Good luck!

[Dragonrider]

Hi, folks. What's left of Bor's brain, here. Despite taking his psych meds regularly and being back to his full, recommended dose, Bor has been blowing some emotional fuses the past few days. (The last two posts in his real blog seem to cover some of what's going on inside his mind.) As a result, he's been wanting to help, but finding it increasingly difficult to do so. Some nonsense about crushing dispair, hating his existence, and various other negative thoughts.

Oh...He's also dreading a rheumatology appointment he has tomorrow. What's bothering him most is the idea that he will be told what's wrong, and that there's nothing else that can be done but keep feeding the problem more pills. Bor is really starting to hate pills.

On the up side, he's had several lengthy discussions with his cat. The downside to that is that her only responses seem to be "Meow." This could be meaningful advice, but the language barrier makes understanding it impossible. There may also be a messsage hidden in the act of exposing her tummy to him, but it's likely just a request to have it scratched, and he has obliged thus far.

Both of his big toes, his left hip, and left shoulder say, "Hi. Please kill us."

This is what's left of Bor's brain, signing off.


*hugs*

Tell Bor he's coping AMAZINGLY well, and give him our best. :smallsmile: Most of all, don't forget to be awesome...not that you ever do.

Regarding the rheumatologist...I'm going to see a nutritionist in a couple weeks and am having similar feelings: she's just going to tell me it's all in my head... which, if she's good, she won't. But the ball's in the rheumatologist's court, and I'm joining Gem Flower in prayers for you and good wishes.

[Castaras]

Going to the doctor depresses me.

Depresses us all... Especially those of us with fears of fears of medical stuff (it's complicated. Don't ask.).


First time here on my own account, so I'll keep this quick, and simple.


Recently I've been feeling that EVERYONE hates me in some way shape, or form. Even here on the playground I have noticed that alot of people seem to be harboring a sort of silent agression towards me, and this isn't just some recent development I've been seeing this ever since like the third month I've joined... is it just me being crazy, or am i really just that unlikeable a person?



Pretty much everyone has or gets that fear.

I can't remember who it was, but a famous magician/hypnotist/mind-person got a group of 8 people, and read their hands. He then wrote up multiple page essays on what they were like, what fears they had, and what they hoped for, etc.

He handed them out to each person. They were all perfect for each person.

He then said "Now, swap around your essays." Each essay was exactly the same.

It detailed many fears that everyone has at some point or another - Worried that people hate them, that they don't look right, that their body isn't right, etc., etc.

I have the worry you're describing all the time. With everyone. >.> Even those on the forums. Very very few people I trust completely (mum, dad, boyfriend. that's about it).

To be honest, your best bet is to just ignore the feeling, and act confident, even if you're nervous. Just be your normal self. Even if they do hate you, so what? They're just missing out on liking such an awesome person. :smallwink:

[Ego Slayer]

I've always been amazed that you've made it through so far alive, Bor. I can't imagine having to deal with physical problems on top of depression. :smallfrown: *hugs* Know that if I had three wishes, my first one would be for your betterment, in many forms.

Lousy lack of wishes. v.v

[Cobra_Ikari]

I've always been amazed that you've made it through so far alive, Bor. I can't imagine having to deal with physical problems on top of depression. :smallfrown: *hugs* Know that if I had three wishes, my first one would be for your betterment, in many forms.

Lousy lack of wishes. v.v

*snuggles*...what would the other two be?

...*is reminded of a dream he had, once upon a time, about running an elf-staffed MAWF for playgrounders*... >.>

[Ego Slayer]

*snuggles*...what would the other two be?
That I would have to think about really, really hard.

[loves_to_laugh]

Sorry, this one is a doozy.

Ok. So I have finally found some sort of way to verbalize whats going on in my life. Heres some background info just to help convey the story. I am just out of high school and moved in with my dad because he lives closer to the college I want to go to. I have lived with my mom all my life. My dad left my family (me and my two sibs) about 7 years ago to live with his other kid and her mom. Now my dad has a total of 6 kids. 3 with my mom and 3 with the other woman. I am the oldest of all and he has been the hardest on me. We had a lot of problems when I was younger. To the point that even now whenever he talks about something serious to me, I start to get teary eyed even if it isn't something I am getting punished for or anything.

I moved in with my dad beause I despise my mom's new husband. She knows that I dislike him but he is just a freeloader who literally sits in front of his computer all day long playing games and smoking. Normally I don't have a problem with smokers because it their choice to do so, but he does it in the house and stinks up the whole basement. Hes been better about that apparently but I'm just not fond of the person he is in general.

Anyway, on to my main problem. I am having issues with my dad again. I have figured out what it is that is wrong. He has been very emotionally abusive. It's not the obvious kind. He belittles me all the time, everything has to be done his way, and he believes he is always right. His most common thing to do is to give "helpful advice". He makes the suggestions of what you should do. And if you don't, he guilts you about it after the fact.

Heres an example of something that happened earlier today:
My dad works from home and his office is down the hall from my bedroom. I asked him if he minded if I lit a candle and closed my door. He then goes into this long rant about how candles have no use except for decoration and smelling. Oh and how he is apparently allergic to 99% of all perfumes like the kind found in my cheap candles. He has NEVER told me was allergic to perfumes. I also just asked my mom and she didn't even know that he was either. I think that, that is something to tell your spouse. Anyways, he started getting worked up and when I said ok I get it. He told me to calm down. So I mentioned that he was getting worked up about it and he said no that I was and that he was upset about something else already. It was just a big mess over candles. Which he said I could light in my room as long as I kept them away from the little kids and never left the room while one was lit. Which I have made sure to do. He just felt that he should overreact this time, for no apparent reason I guess.

Also, he has taken away my window privileges. He actually took the knobs off my windows so they can't opened. He did this because apparently everyone was getting too cold when my door was closed and there was a window open upstairs where everyone else was. The other household members have gotten cold from my window a few other times and I forgot my windows open (they have a screen though) and then left my room only twice. I feel that he overreacted in this instance.

Now for most people, this is one of those things that you could just brush off. But because its my dad and its been happening all my life, its a bit harder to do. I mean I just finally got my self confidence back and now its slowly deteriorating again.

What am I supposed to do? I technically made a contract with him saying that I could live with him if I paid rent ($100 /month). I also had to stay with him for a full year before I could move back with my mom if thats what I wanted to do. My only option involving moving out is getting my own place. I'm not ready for that just yet. I can't move in with anyone because everyone I know either lives on campus of their colleges or with their parents. My mom is now getting worried and she is possibly going to do something about it but I don't know what she would be doing about it. It sounds like she is talking about getting legally involved. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[potatocubed]

What am I supposed to do? I technically made a contract with him saying that I could live with him if I paid rent ($100 /month). I also had to stay with him for a full year before I could move back with my mom if thats what I wanted to do.

:smallconfused:
I'm pretty certain that that 'contract' is unenforcable. Even if it is legally valid, which I doubt, if a man takes his daughter to court for leaving his home he's just supplying her with solid grounds for leaving his home. Plus, at your age your wishes over where you live should have precedence over either of your parents - I know this is true in the UK but I don't know about the US.

So... if you want to move back in with your mother (regardless of her shiftless, video-game playing new man) go ahead and do it.

You have pretty much five options as I see it: live with Dad (not good), live with Mum (also not good), live with friends (not possible), live by yourself (not what you want), or live with strangers (?). I imagine plenty of college students want additional flatmates to help defray the cost of rent. You'll need some income, though; I don't know what your $$$ situation is. Oh, and if you're at college try seeing if the college has any spare rooms on campus - even if they don't they might well have people able to help you out if you explain that you don't have anywhere else to go.

[averagejoe]

First time here on my own account, so I'll keep this quick, and simple.


Recently I've been feeling that EVERYONE hates me in some way shape, or form. Even here on the playground I have noticed that alot of people seem to be harboring a sort of silent agression towards me, and this isn't just some recent development I've been seeing this ever since like the third month I've joined... is it just me being crazy, or am i really just that unlikeable a person?


I might have been in a few threads where you brought up this feeling. you'd comment on people's hostility some such (I'm having a little trouble remembering)? I'm only supposing on this count, but I'll continue as if it's true. I know that I can tend to get a little too serious when I post, and sometimes I tend to be a little cold when trying to be rational, which can come off as hostile. I try to be sensitive to people's moods; in the threads I'm thinking of, for example, I read your response and thought, "Well, my next response should be something lighter, so that FFF feels less unwelcome." However, a lot of people aren't sensitive to this sort of thing. I feel like, in some ways, you're being a little bit oversensitive, or at least reading things into what people say that aren't there. People don't always realize how they're coming off to others, so this subtle dislike you're sensing is probably just people acting like themselves, which is maybe a little jerky and insensitive.

Anyways, I don't dislike you, and I don't say that sort of thing just to be nice.

Edit:

Sorry, this one is a doozy.

Ok. So I have finally found some sort of way to verbalize whats going on in my life. Heres some background info just to help convey the story. I am just out of high school and moved in with my dad because he lives closer to the college I want to go to. I have lived with my mom all my life. My dad left my family (me and my two sibs) about 7 years ago to live with his other kid and her mom. Now my dad has a total of 6 kids. 3 with my mom and 3 with the other woman. I am the oldest of all and he has been the hardest on me. We had a lot of problems when I was younger. To the point that even now whenever he talks about something serious to me, I start to get teary eyed even if it isn't something I am getting punished for or anything.

I moved in with my dad beause I despise my mom's new husband. She knows that I dislike him but he is just a freeloader who literally sits in front of his computer all day long playing games and smoking. Normally I don't have a problem with smokers because it their choice to do so, but he does it in the house and stinks up the whole basement. Hes been better about that apparently but I'm just not fond of the person he is in general.

Anyway, on to my main problem. I am having issues with my dad again. I have figured out what it is that is wrong. He has been very emotionally abusive. It's not the obvious kind. He belittles me all the time, everything has to be done his way, and he believes he is always right. His most common thing to do is to give "helpful advice". He makes the suggestions of what you should do. And if you don't, he guilts you about it after the fact.

Heres an example of something that happened earlier today:
My dad works from home and his office is down the hall from my bedroom. I asked him if he minded if I lit a candle and closed my door. He then goes into this long rant about how candles have no use except for decoration and smelling. Oh and how he is apparently allergic to 99% of all perfumes like the kind found in my cheap candles. He has NEVER told me was allergic to perfumes. I also just asked my mom and she didn't even know that he was either. I think that, that is something to tell your spouse. Anyways, he started getting worked up and when I said ok I get it. He told me to calm down. So I mentioned that he was getting worked up about it and he said no that I was and that he was upset about something else already. It was just a big mess over candles. Which he said I could light in my room as long as I kept them away from the little kids and never left the room while one was lit. Which I have made sure to do. He just felt that he should overreact this time, for no apparent reason I guess.

Also, he has taken away my window privileges. He actually took the knobs off my windows so they can't opened. He did this because apparently everyone was getting too cold when my door was closed and there was a window open upstairs where everyone else was. The other household members have gotten cold from my window a few other times and I forgot my windows open (they have a screen though) and then left my room only twice. I feel that he overreacted in this instance.

Now for most people, this is one of those things that you could just brush off. But because its my dad and its been happening all my life, its a bit harder to do. I mean I just finally got my self confidence back and now its slowly deteriorating again.

What am I supposed to do? I technically made a contract with him saying that I could live with him if I paid rent ($100 /month). I also had to stay with him for a full year before I could move back with my mom if thats what I wanted to do. My only option involving moving out is getting my own place. I'm not ready for that just yet. I can't move in with anyone because everyone I know either lives on campus of their colleges or with their parents. My mom is now getting worried and she is possibly going to do something about it but I don't know what she would be doing about it. It sounds like she is talking about getting legally involved. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I agree with what Potato said as far as the contract being unenforceable. Also, you say "technically;" does that mean it was verbal? Also, I don't think anyone can stop you from going back to your mom, if that's what you choose to do. Again, I can't imagine that any court would enforce that, though I'm not a lawyer nor do I have any specialized knowledge of the law. However, as a child of divorcees, I'm pretty sure it's the case that the courts tend to side with the child. It sounds like your mom is willing to back you up on this, so let her do so. Also, I've never heard of a rent agreement that stipulates the tenant has to stay; in fact most rent agreements outline the circumstances under which the tenant has to leave. Again, I can't imagine such a contract would be enforceable, even if you signed a paper, and especially if you have some compelling reason to leave (i.e. your piece of mind.) All your father would be entitled to, I believe, is the rent for whichever month you chose to go.

You should check if your campus has a program where you can get free legal advice as a student there. Mine does, but I have no idea if this is standard. However, you could easily miss it; the only reason I know that our campus has such a program is because my roommate had to make use of it.

On a personal note, that's a really crappy situation, and I can sympathize. I moved out of my father's house because of my stepmother (who, luckily, got dumped not long ago, though I still feel bad for dad.) So, yeah. *hugs* Good luck.

One last note. If you're comfortable doing so, I'd appreciate it if you could keep me updated on this. I tend to worry about people, and like to know that everything comes out okay. Again, if you don't feel comfortable then don't feel any pressure to say yes; just thought I'd ask.

[Quincunx]

Wouldn't have stuck my nose into the "Reply Post" window if it weren't for what's on my desk at the moment: a knob, newly purchased, and a screwdriver. As I see it, it's part of being a good tenant to fix what objects are broken, even if it took me a year of exasperation to cough up the 2 stinkin' euro to buy it. Will be back in a short while.

[EDIT:

*opens closet door*
*closes closet door*
*opens closet door*

That is satisfying. Cluttered look, begone!

The others are giving you advice for fixing people and interpersonal relationships, which is helpful in the long run, but don't snub the immediate gratification of fixing objects. The ability to open your own cussed window, proof of responsibility in fixing something you didn't break, and underlining that you're not going to just sulk about it like the teenager you might have been not that long ago--what's not to love?]

[three08]

loves_to_laugh:
i don't really think it's something to shrug off that he'd just waltz in and break your windows over some imagined complaint. did you hear from other residents that they were cold, or is this being related to you by your father? also, window "privileges"? no. if you're paying rent, you have rights as to the habitability of the premises. if you're paying rent it doesn't matter whether he's your father or not, he has the same responsibilities as any other landlord and you have the same rights as any other tenant. if you're paying rent you have rights.

if you didn't sign anything, you don't have any obligation to stay there. however, depending on your locality, whether or not you signed anything, if you've kept current on your rent and been living there for at least 30 days, you do have rights as a tenant. findlaw.com is a handy resource - try looking up squatter's rights.

also, if he's only now complaining about the candles and no one has heard anything about it before, it's possible he's developed an allergy. that happens sometimes. what happens probably more often is people with little or no compunction about lying and bullying to get their way will make any claim they like to control people around them.

if you can't afford to live on your own, consider roommates. sometimes they're not a lot more charming than the people you're getting away from, but since there isn't that history, maybe you'll be better able to stand up and demand the respect you are due.

[Headless_Ninja]

Sorry to be choking up the thread with my problems once again, but... Today was the funeral. There were some incredibly moving readings from her friends and Head of Sixth Form (including a friend that read 'The Road Goes Ever On and On' and nearly reduced me to tears), and everything just hammered home how much I miss her, how great a friend she was and how terrible it was that I neglected her. So yeah, needing a hug about now.

[Fawkes]

*offers hug*

[Headless_Ninja]

*accepts*.
I just hope I can have a fraction of the success she had, both academically and in enriching people's lives - the number of people she helped, be it with science homework, scuba diving, music or just self-esteem is incredible. And I didn't realise how important she was to me until she wasn't there anymore.

[loves_to_laugh]

Ok, so the contract thing is just a verbal one. It's more of that I don't want to end up on bad terms with my dad because I broke my promise. And I don't actually go to college yet. I start in January. The school is a community college, so I don't think there is housing on campus.

And later after my post my dad apologized for the irrational lecture he gave me. He has recently quite smoking and his blood pressure went up and it is apparently make him quite irritable. Is this a normal occurrence? Of course during his apology he still tried to force his views down my throat.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Hello again, folks. Bor's frazzled brain, here. It's been a really rough day for him, so I'm letting the upset parts nap while I write this.

He spent the last of his money on food today. What he'll do for the rest of the month, I have no idea. That $40 he had left didn't go very far. I suggested he harvest his own organs and sell them on the black market, but he claims not to have any organs, let alone played one. :smallconfused:

Then there was the thrilling trip to the rheumatologist. He saw not one, but TWO doctors, both of whom did a lot of guessing, but were unable to give a diagnosis at this time. Both doctors did a lot of poking and prodding, as well as moving parts to find out which actions caused the most pain. While Bor understands the need to do this, it HURT! :smalleek: And the first doc was amazed at how tight Bor's back muscles are. High tension cables are looser than Bor's back mucles. :smallfrown:

One amusing part of the conversation with the second doctor went like this:

Doc: This pain you have in your collar bone ribs just beneath is a symptom we see in IV drug users.
Bor: WHAT?!? I never -
Nurse: *knocks on the door and interrupts* Doctor, we need you out here for a moment.
Doc: *after leaving and returning some minutes later* Where was I?
Bor: You were telling me I'm an IV drug user.
Doc: No, it's obvious that you aren't. I'm just saying that's what normally causes the pain you're explaining to us.
Bor: Oh, good. I was afraid I'd have to start a habit to match my symptoms.
Both doctors laugh.

Okay...So, doc orders more x-rays, sets up a followup appointment, and the waiting game is on again.

Meanwhile, prior to even leaving his apartment, Bor gets a call from his pharmacy. It would seem that the last time Bor saw his PCP, he was told that when he runs out of a particular medication that he should simply call the pharmacy and have them fax over a request for a refill. Bor made that call early yesterday. They called today to say that the doctor REFUSED to refill the medication. Bor was getting more than a little upset, so I called to find out what was going on. I was given some song and dance about needing to come in and see the doctor, and that the soonest appointment Bor could be given was 1:30 on next Tuesday.

This is where *I* became upset, so Bor took over again, and we made an angry call to the nurse. This medication was called in before it ran out. This medication is vital to keeping Bor calm, and his diabetes under control. This medication helps Bor sleep at night. Thus, Bor explained that if someone didn't at least call in enough medication to get him through until Tuesday, he was sure to land in the hospital.

Poof! Bor is given an appointment to see the doctor at 8:30 tomorrow, when he is sure to give his doctor an earful about what "caring for a patient" means, as well as a reminder that because he is Jewish, Bor is genetically attached to a lawyer somewhere in the world. :smallwink:

With this report coming to a conclusion, I think I'm going to take the rest of Bor's body to bed so it can rest.

Many thanks to those who have replied to me. Bor was a little jealous, but I gave him pie and he was much happier. :smalltongue:

Note: No, kids...I am not suffering from multiple personalities. This is just my way of venting how stressed I'm becoming.

[Fawkes]

*hugs Bor*

At this point, I don't think I'd be surprised if you told us you had DID. You've got just about everything else.

[The Valiant Turtle]

*hugs Bor's brain* (since it might hurt if I hugged the rest of him)

See blog link in sig for update on my house status. It is for the most part non-depressing, so don't go there looking for your daily dose of depression!

[loopy]

Has anyone ever felt, for no reason, that they just have no reason to continue living? Because that is pretty much how I've been feeling for the past two weeks.

I just raged and bailed from the youth group I help lead, walking home two hours along unlit streets, feeling numb and wishing a car would just... come round the corner and hit me.

Don't get me wrong, I've told people how I feel, but I don't know.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Bor and Bor's brain. *hugs*

Also, PM conversation with Tialait and talking with an old classmate about a meet-up for the whole old class has made DD happier.

[randman22222]

Has anyone ever felt, for no reason, that they just have no reason to continue living? Because that is pretty much how I've been feeling for the past two weeks.

I just raged and bailed from the youth group I help lead, walking home two hours along unlit streets, feeling numb and wishing a car would just... come round the corner and hit me.

Don't get me wrong, I've told people how I feel, but I don't know.

Yeah, but are you sure that there really is no reason? :smallconfused:
I have had depressions like that come out of nowhere, but rarely have they really had no reason to them... Just look around, and make sure there really isn't a reason.

Honestly, I think you need to screw up your routine a little. Find something completely new to try out, or start doing, or something. That jsut sounds like that kind of a depression. :smallconfused:

Hope that helps.
And I'm feeling lovelorn again. *Sigh.*

[three08]

And later after my post my dad apologized for the irrational lecture he gave me. He has recently quite smoking and his blood pressure went up and it is apparently make him quite irritable. Is this a normal occurrence? Of course during his apology he still tried to force his views down my throat.

quitting smoking will definitely make someone more irritable, but still, that doesn't mean you should have to put up with such disrespectful treatment. i understand not wanting to bail, but keep in mind that you have the option, if it gets to be too much. also, do you think it would help to tell him how you're feeling - ie, something along the lines of 'i don't want to just ditch but you have to respect my rights or else i'll have no choice'? from the sound of it he would probably flip out at least at first, but maybe once he's calmed down he'll see that you're right?

in any case, you probably shouldn't expect him to change his habit of trying to force his opinions on you - folks i've known with that habit would've sooner lost a hand than given that up.

[arguskos]

Hello again, folks. Bor's frazzled brain, here. It's been a really rough day for him, so I'm letting the upset parts nap while I write this.

He spent the last of his money on food today. What he'll do for the rest of the month, I have no idea. That $40 he had left didn't go very far. I suggested he harvest his own organs and sell them on the black market, but he claims not to have any organs, let alone played one. :smallconfused:

Then there was the thrilling trip to the rheumatologist. He saw not one, but TWO doctors, both of whom did a lot of guessing, but were unable to give a diagnosis at this time. Both doctors did a lot of poking and prodding, as well as moving parts to find out which actions caused the most pain. While Bor understands the need to do this, it HURT! :smalleek: And the first doc was amazed at how tight Bor's back muscles are. High tension cables are looser than Bor's back mucles. :smallfrown:

One amusing part of the conversation with the second doctor went like this:

Doc: This pain you have in your collar bone ribs just beneath is a symptom we see in IV drug users.
Bor: WHAT?!? I never -
Nurse: *knocks on the door and interrupts* Doctor, we need you out here for a moment.
Doc: *after leaving and returning some minutes later* Where was I?
Bor: You were telling me I'm an IV drug user.
Doc: No, it's obvious that you aren't. I'm just saying that's what normally causes the pain you're explaining to us.
Bor: Oh, good. I was afraid I'd have to start a habit to match my symptoms.
Both doctors laugh.

Okay...So, doc orders more x-rays, sets up a followup appointment, and the waiting game is on again.

Meanwhile, prior to even leaving his apartment, Bor gets a call from his pharmacy. It would seem that the last time Bor saw his PCP, he was told that when he runs out of a particular medication that he should simply call the pharmacy and have them fax over a request for a refill. Bor made that call early yesterday. They called today to say that the doctor REFUSED to refill the medication. Bor was getting more than a little upset, so I called to find out what was going on. I was given some song and dance about needing to come in and see the doctor, and that the soonest appointment Bor could be given was 1:30 on next Tuesday.

This is where *I* became upset, so Bor took over again, and we made an angry call to the nurse. This medication was called in before it ran out. This medication is vital to keeping Bor calm, and his diabetes under control. This medication helps Bor sleep at night. Thus, Bor explained that if someone didn't at least call in enough medication to get him through until Tuesday, he was sure to land in the hospital.

Poof! Bor is given an appointment to see the doctor at 8:30 tomorrow, when he is sure to give his doctor an earful about what "caring for a patient" means, as well as a reminder that because he is Jewish, Bor is genetically attached to a lawyer somewhere in the world. :smallwink:

With this report coming to a conclusion, I think I'm going to take the rest of Bor's body to bed so it can rest.

Many thanks to those who have replied to me. Bor was a little jealous, but I gave him pie and he was much happier. :smalltongue:

Note: No, kids...I am not suffering from multiple personalities. This is just my way of venting how stressed I'm becoming.


Bor. I... don't even know what I want to say here. Part of me wants to simply hug you and say "it'll work out", but honestly, that feels like being dishonest and cheap. I do believe that things will work out, since we all have the strange proclivity to do amazing things when backed into a corner, but I have no advice on how to help. All I can do is send you my best wishes, and the sincere hope that things look up for you sooner than later. I'd say that if you have a God, ask him for a hand, since now's as good a time as any, and hey, if you don't, ask anyways. You might get lucky! :smallwink:

Glib jokes aside, I send you my thoughts, my hopes, and my good wishes. It's not exactly much, but I hope it makes you smile a little.


-argus

[Alien]

Hello again, folks. Bor's frazzled brain, here. It's been a really rough day for him, so I'm letting the upset parts nap while I write this.

He spent the last of his money on food today. What he'll do for the rest of the month, I have no idea. That $40 he had left didn't go very far. I suggested he harvest his own organs and sell them on the black market, but he claims not to have any organs, let alone played one. :smallconfused:

Then there was the thrilling trip to the rheumatologist. He saw not one, but TWO doctors, both of whom did a lot of guessing, but were unable to give a diagnosis at this time. Both doctors did a lot of poking and prodding, as well as moving parts to find out which actions caused the most pain. While Bor understands the need to do this, it HURT! :smalleek: And the first doc was amazed at how tight Bor's back muscles are. High tension cables are looser than Bor's back mucles. :smallfrown:

One amusing part of the conversation with the second doctor went like this:

Doc: This pain you have in your collar bone ribs just beneath is a symptom we see in IV drug users.
Bor: WHAT?!? I never -
Nurse: *knocks on the door and interrupts* Doctor, we need you out here for a moment.
Doc: *after leaving and returning some minutes later* Where was I?
Bor: You were telling me I'm an IV drug user.
Doc: No, it's obvious that you aren't. I'm just saying that's what normally causes the pain you're explaining to us.
Bor: Oh, good. I was afraid I'd have to start a habit to match my symptoms.
Both doctors laugh.

Okay...So, doc orders more x-rays, sets up a followup appointment, and the waiting game is on again.

Meanwhile, prior to even leaving his apartment, Bor gets a call from his pharmacy. It would seem that the last time Bor saw his PCP, he was told that when he runs out of a particular medication that he should simply call the pharmacy and have them fax over a request for a refill. Bor made that call early yesterday. They called today to say that the doctor REFUSED to refill the medication. Bor was getting more than a little upset, so I called to find out what was going on. I was given some song and dance about needing to come in and see the doctor, and that the soonest appointment Bor could be given was 1:30 on next Tuesday.

This is where *I* became upset, so Bor took over again, and we made an angry call to the nurse. This medication was called in before it ran out. This medication is vital to keeping Bor calm, and his diabetes under control. This medication helps Bor sleep at night. Thus, Bor explained that if someone didn't at least call in enough medication to get him through until Tuesday, he was sure to land in the hospital.

Poof! Bor is given an appointment to see the doctor at 8:30 tomorrow, when he is sure to give his doctor an earful about what "caring for a patient" means, as well as a reminder that because he is Jewish, Bor is genetically attached to a lawyer somewhere in the world. :smallwink:

With this report coming to a conclusion, I think I'm going to take the rest of Bor's body to bed so it can rest.

Many thanks to those who have replied to me. Bor was a little jealous, but I gave him pie and he was much happier. :smalltongue:

Note: No, kids...I am not suffering from multiple personalities. This is just my way of venting how stressed I'm becoming.


Why do the nicest people get the toughest times? It's just not fair.
I wish I could help you, but alas, I'm largely useless. I know I'm just a stupid newbie, but I care. If you want a hug, or a PM-ear, or someone to beat up, feel free to grab me.

Loopy: Too many times. I'm afraid I can't provide a solution, but listen to the others, and know you're not alone.

[Mr. Mud]

Playground, I think. . . I think that I'm starting to lose the will to live. . .

Sometimes I just start thinking that what I'm doing, isn't making a difference... and wether or not I do it, doesn't affect anything or anyone... And I'm constanly being nitpicked by a "dry-drunk" father, who brow beats me and my mother (and I mean beat in all means of the word. . . Atleast for me anyway. :smallfrown: If he ever layed a hand on my mom :smallfurious:... ) forces his extremely flawed, shovanistic/eltiest/hypocritcal/assanine views down my throat, and just plain screwed up the pysche of my little brother. And I'm just getting over a 2 year relationship come crashing down around my ankles. She cheated on me (again :smallfrown:) and still denies she ever did it.

I just get to thinking... Whats the point? Why does anything even matter anymore? If all I'm gonna get is more drama, pain, and really nothing to look forward to, and nothing to look back on. I just don't want to live anymore playground. I don't care about anything anymore.

*There are a lot more... topics, that would help you understand more about my life, but I had trouble letting this much out. Thanks in advance everyone.

[arguskos]

@Mrmud (BTW, like the name! ^_^)
First off, all advice comes with a free hug, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. /HUGS

Second, actual, you know, advice and stuff. The best thing I can say is this: DO NOT THINK THAT WAY. Just don't. Even if you feel that way, fight the tide, the overwhelming urge to just give up. I fight it every morning. If you give in, then you're lost, adrift on the endless seas of morose sadness and grey skies, and believe you me, that's no somewhere you want to go. It's hard, and there aren't many reasons to fight it, I know. So, what you do is this: you find something or someone to hang on to, and you cling to that for dear life. You get up every morning to work on that something, to say hi to that someone, and to prove you can do it! I guess the thing I'm advising you to do here is to never give up on yourself. Find something that you love, and make that your main focus. Make it a part of you, and keep working on it. When you finish that project, find another one, and work on that. Wash, rinse, repeat.

As for your Dad, I have little to say. I hope that you and your family find a common ground with him, and find a way to prevent his abuse, both mental and physical. However, if that doesn't happen, and he abuses you physically again, you might want to consider calling the authorities. It's a hard thought to swallow, I know, but, remember that option is still there.

Lastly, as my signature says, my PM box is open to one and all. Feel free to fill it with rants, vitriol, whatever you need to do to feel a touch better!


-argus

[Mr. Mud]

@Mrmud (BTW, like the name! ^_^)
First off, all advice comes with a free hug, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. /HUGS

Second, actual, you know, advice and stuff. The best thing I can say is this: DO NOT THINK THAT WAY. Just don't. Even if you feel that way, fight the tide, the overwhelming urge to just give up. I fight it every morning. If you give in, then you're lost, adrift on the endless seas of morose sadness and grey skies, and believe you me, that's no somewhere you want to go. It's hard, and there aren't many reasons to fight it, I know. So, what you do is this: you find something or someone to hang on to, and you cling to that for dear life. You get up every morning to work on that something, to say hi to that someone, and to prove you can do it! I guess the thing I'm advising you to do here is to never give up on yourself. Find something that you love, and make that your main focus. Make it a part of you, and keep working on it. When you finish that project, find another one, and work on that. Wash, rinse, repeat.

As for your Dad, I have little to say. I hope that you and your family find a common ground with him, and find a way to prevent his abuse, both mental and physical. However, if that doesn't happen, and he abuses you physically again, you might want to consider calling the authorities. It's a hard thought to swallow, I know, but, remember that option is still there.

Lastly, as my signature says, my PM box is open to one and all. Feel free to fill it with rants, vitriol, whatever you need to do to feel a touch better!


-argus


First of all, Thanks Buddy... I think thats going to help.

As for the authorties thing, oh God, I've contemplated that. But it would only further damager my brother's head and leave him only more emotionally scared. And I love my brother, more than anything, anything in the world. And I'd say more than my own life, but it's pretty evident that is isn't worth very much to me anymore. He's so emotionally scared, and he doesn't even realize it. . . :sigh::frown:

[arguskos]

First of all, Thanks Buddy... I think thats going to help.

As for the authorties thing, oh God, I've contemplated that. But it would only further damager my brother's head and leave him only more emotionally scared. And I love my brother, more than anything, anything in the world. And I'd say more than my own life, but it's pretty evident that is isn't worth very much to me anymore. He's so emotionally scared, and he doesn't even realize it. . . :sigh::frown:
First, always glad to help. If I can do anything for ya, just lemme know!

Second,
About your brother, I guess the best thing to ask yourself is: do I want to scar him now and get this bad influence away from him? Or do I leave him in this living hell? It's a scary choice, and I don't envy your position. Whatever you choose, I wish you well, and hope your lil brother gets the help he needs and the love he deserves, though, with a big brother like yourself, I bet he'll be just fine in the long haul. :smallwink:

-argus

[Mc. Lovin']

First of all, Thanks Buddy... I think thats going to help.

As for the authorties thing, oh God, I've contemplated that. But it would only further damager my brother's head and leave him only more emotionally scared. And I love my brother, more than anything, anything in the world. And I'd say more than my own life, but it's pretty evident that is isn't worth very much to me anymore. He's so emotionally scared, and he doesn't even realize it. . . :sigh::frown:

not knowing either your brother or your father this advice may be moot, however with the information you've given me I'd prefer one terrible encounter with the authorities than to be beaten by my father. Of course if you think that it would be too traumatic for your brother then leave it ... sorry for not being useful.

(at least there's one think I know I can say that's right:)

*Hugs!*

[Inhuman Bot]

Well, it was fun.

I'am having way to much deppression problenms.

Everything tried doesnt work.

I may come back, sometime.

Until that "maybe" day:


Goodbye, Playground.


EDIT: My exiting that idea is brought to you by: my brother. He convinced me that I shouldn't leave a place I liked so much. :/

[arguskos]

Well, it was fun.

I'am having way to much deppression problenms.

Everything tried doesnt work.

I may come back, sometime.

Until that "maybe" day:


Goodbye, Playground.


EDIT: My exiting that idea is brought to you by: my brother. He convinced me that I shouldn't leave a place I liked so much. :/
Noooooooooooo!!!! :frown: Where will I get my daily dose of Chaos Lord NOW??

On a more serious note, dude, that sucks. Hope you still pay us visits every now and then! :smallsmile: Till that day, hope you do well Slaanesh!

-argus

[Inhuman Bot]

Good to know I would be missed!

Also, Thanks Bor.

Good advice.

I was talking to my brother, and he said "Leave the GitP forums? But you really like those. What would leaving help with?"

I thought about it, and relized it wouldnt do anything, really.

And so ended the worlds shortest self imposed exile.

My issue, and where my leaving idea came from, was that I was very, very, depressed, for a long time. Nothings gotten better, nothings worked.

I decided I was going to withdraw from the forums, and the GitP Warcraft group.

So, I commented to my brother, who knows only a little of my issues, and he wonderd why I would leave.

So yeah, that was the process.

[arguskos]

Yay! The exile of the Chaos Lord was ended, and yea, he returned to his people!

You best stick around. Leaving forums doesn't do a whole lot except for create regrets (I'd know, I left a major forum a while back, and I regret it still).

-argus

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

General message addressing the masses:

Well, I think I've made it a bit clear that I'm having some issues of my own. Being physically and mentally ill makes everything a little harder to cope with. The quickest solution would be to throw in the towel and call off the fight completely. I don't.

What's more, I see the people in a similar position to mine, being mentally AND physically ill, also coming here and putting up a fight. We aren't JUST depressed. We have some genuine physical problems that others look at and say, "Wow, if only THAT was my problem, I'd have quit a long time ago." And our fight is represented in the very fact that we make our posts. Our message? "I'm getting REALLY tired of fighting, but I'm not prepared to surrender. How do I keep fighting?" That's when the community comes together and starts offering up what aid they can.

The best is when people who originally came to this thread in crisis and turn around to become the ones giving advice. The message seen there? "I'm not done fighting, and I'm not going to let YOU give up either." I have a degree of pride in these people, not only for their increased desire to fight, but - almost as though I have an ego - they have chosen to emmulate me. "Wow...If Bor can go though so much and keep going, so can I." While I would rather cure cancer or put an end to poverty, I'll take helping one person at time by helping them realize the end is not nigh.

Oddly, I don't feel like I'm doing anything spectacular. I point out alternative perspectives, recommend the various choises a person has, or simply put forth the message that someone is not alone and then offer an e-hug. Perhaps just knowing someone cares is enough. Maybe it's the length of my messages. "Golly, he sure did babble a lot for little old me." It could be that I accept all problems as being genuine, and that I never seriously say, "Quit your whining and grow up." (Telling Thanatos to "walk it off, etc" was, hopefully, an obvious attempt at humor.)

My focus is about to take a bit of a dive, because when I discussed my increasing pain issues with my doctor this morning, he chose to increase the most powerful of my pain meds. (Yay?) We discussed alternative narcotics in an effort to refresh my body's tolerance to these medications, but the bad news was given to me rapidly: they all work on the same receptors in the body, and changing wouldn't help as I'd hoped.

With luck, however, I'll learn to function rapidly on these stronger meds, and be able to continue to lend my aid here. But understand that the fight is overwhelming me a bit, and my deep-fried brain may not be of as much aid as I'd like it to.

You folks know where to reach me if things reach genuine crisis level. Beyond that, I basically demand that you be well. :smallsmile:

I could've sworn I posted this a short bit ago, but apparently I did something other than "Submit Reply." Kinda let's you know how scattered my brain is.

[Dallas-Dakota]

*hugs Bor*
Bor, I think you kept half of us, including me , if not more of us from falling into depression or comitting suicide. I applaude you for that. One of the major reasons I get out of bed every morning is GitP. Just a internet forum? Sad man. Well, to me, its gitp, and it means something to me so you just shut up.:smallmad:
I hope you get well soon and when I come across the pond the least I demand is to hear your voice over the phone.
*hugs, no denying 'em*

[arguskos]

*hugs Bor*
Bor, I think you kept half of us, including me , if not more of us from falling into depression or comitting suicide. I applaude you for that. One of the major reasons I get out of bed every morning is GitP. Just a internet forum? Sad man. Well, to me, its gitp, and it means something to me so you just shut up.:smallmad:
I hope you get well soon and when I come across the pond the least I demand is to hear your voice over the phone.
*hugs, no denying 'em*
^^^ this. A thousand times, this. I was waiting for someone more verbose than I to say something, and dallas-dakota couldn't have said it better. I guess only "Thank you Bor, for all you've done" is appropriate, so I'll leave my contribution at that!

-argus

[Alien]

Thirded, really. I've just joined these forums, and you're already a Super-Bor to me.

Slaanesh: I'm glad you didn't go. If you have something that makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone, you really should think more than twice before abandoning it.

[Solaris]

I'm gettin' pretty cranked about how this deployment's goin'. I can't say where we are, but things are pretty quiet. The locals like us, and the only shots fired involving this base were... um, never. Our command's got guys permanently assigned to doing six hours on, six hours off guard shifts in the towers. Imagine having to sit in something resembling an oven for six hours, then getting only six hours to conduct any sort of business (like personal hygiene and sleeping) before you have to go back into this oven. It's fine in short term, but it'll wear someone down in the long term, especially with guys like ours. We're all Combat MOS, aggressive guys who've trained to go out and deal with the enemy, not sit on a base and watch the grass grow. We get antsy.
The days I wasn't on guard, I was on detail. These details have been policing up trash, picking up cigarette butts (you have any idea how bad that is when you're one of four non-smokers in a battery and they pick all four of you to police up cigarette butts but none of the smokers?), taking trash out to the fire pit and burning it (standing next to a bonfire in full body armor in the Fertile Crescent at the tail end of the dry season = hot), and my personal favorite, combusting post-consumer chow. That one involves standing next to the bonfires we pulled out from beneath the latrines for an hour or three and enjoying the ever-so-wonderful aroma. Definitely what I joined the Army to do.
On top of being in the Sandbox. They've almost always had us at work from 0530 until 1700-1800, usually four-six hours or so of that sitting around wasting time because there's nothing better to do (like see your families) before our deployment. I s'pose we should be used to wasting time, but meh. It doesn't get better. BS just infuriates me even more. I can understand there not being much for us to do, what with us being artillerymen and all, but that's no excuse for having us sit in a room for six hours because they don't want our guys getting drunk. Like that stops our guys. We got surveyed by CID, found to have a 60% alcoholism rate in the battery. That's huge, even for the Army.
Also, very high sexual assault rate. In an all-male unit. We figure that one's 'cause we're all smart alecs.
I'm gonna spend this Christmas in the Sandbox - last Christmas, I was guarding another unit's stuff. This one doesn't piss me off, but last one, hoo boy. I was the reason that guard shift wasn't armed guards, if'n you're catchin' my drift. Christmas is a big deal in my family, pretty much the only time in the year we all get together and eat dinner at my grandmother's house. My grandmother is an excellent cook.
You know how much you miss good food when all you have to eat are Jimmy Deans (the same three - Tuna, BBG Beef, and Ham Salad that looks like the evil lovechild of snot and pig) and MREs?
I haven't seen my brother in somewhere around two years 'cause we're both in the Army, he's stationed in one overseas stationed and I was in another overseas station before I deployed. My brother's one of maybe three people on the planet I really enjoy being around. When I get mid-tour leave, it's gonna be just after he gets back from the leave he had to put in a six-month waiting list to get. I don't have the fundage to fly to his duty station, much less have a passport ('cause suddenly military ID =/= passport).
And all this for fifteen hundred a month (pay not hourly - the government would go broke if it was). Yes, even though I'm paid with tax dollars, a chunk of that gets taken out for - you guessed it! - taxes. Pretending I only work 0900 to 1700, five days a week, that's $9.38 an hour before taxes and other deductions. I don't work just forty hours a week, even when we're still in the US. Tha's right - you can earn more money by working at a fast food restaurant for two years than I have working for the Army for two years. Hooah.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

'Tis the season for depression without reason. Yes, boys and girls. Now is the prime time for seasonal depression to start kicking in. For some reason I can't put my finger on, I have decided to start covering the details of hospitalizations for depression. It could be because it's theraputic, and helpful to draw out some of that mental poinson. The other reason could be that I've been wanting to share these details with you folks, but have been restrained by some of the forum rules.

That said, I want you folks to realize that if you follow the links I'm about to provide, you might become upset when you realize how close I came to meeting the Grim Reaper. The posts are long, and if such tales frighten you, I highly recommend you not read them.

The first post (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2008/10/suicidal-history-part-1.html) covers my first attempt, as well as the creepiest experience of my life. (Really...We didn't know he was dead! :smalleek: )

The second post (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2008/10/suicidal-history-part-2.html) covers many of the details that led up to my first real psych hospitalization.

There's more to come, as long as I feel up to writing it. It's an emotional strain to get this out, but I really feel the need to share this with the people who are crying out for help with their own woes.

I won't ask you to enjoy what I've written, but I certainly hope it's...educational.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Bor...*HUGS*
**** ***** ********************
God I wish I could've been there for you.....
Dangit...

Reading those two blog posts have made me slightly emotional.
Stopping the typing now before I violate some forum rules....