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Leliel
2008-10-05, 02:03 PM
Well...That.

My character, Math ab MacCool, is fluent in Primordial, and recently got into a fight with some gnolls.

Being the smartass (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DeadpanSnarker) that he is, I naturally wanted to insult them, given that Abyssal is basically Primodial with a side of Pure Evil (TM). Thus, this little gem:

"What with you being a bastard elemental's ill-thought attempt to invade a realm that frankly, is a heaven compared to the failed experiment that a divine moron created to blow off steam, I thought I would be able to outsmart you. I still think so."

That got me thinking: How would one insult the various monsterous races in DnD?

Zocelot
2008-10-05, 02:11 PM
Yo' mama jokes are always good. Elan-esque puns are also funny.

Orcs know that they are stupid, the same way gnomes know they are not strong. Tell the orc that he is weak, or the gnome that he isn't sneaky. You'll hurt their egos more that way.

"It's funny because it's true" doesn't apply, unless the Orc actually thinks that he's a genius.

Frosty
2008-10-05, 02:16 PM
Go tell a demon that his mother was a Pleasure Devil and his father was a Hound Archon, and that the demon itself has the half-moron template.

streakster
2008-10-05, 02:20 PM
You exist to be slaughtered for the practice and pleasure of the fight. You are allowed possessions only so that others may have the joy of taking them away. Your are a line in someone else's story. Not one thing you do will ever matter - your whole life is merely a buildup until a wandering party of adventurers happens by to murder you.

For the experience of it all.

Drascin
2008-10-05, 02:30 PM
To most savage humanoids, I usually use the ever-basic "Are those pointy ears I'm seeing? Because you sure fight like an elf" as mid-battle banter to rile them up. No one likes being compared to elves :smalltongue:.

Flickerdart
2008-10-05, 02:35 PM
Depending on how smart your foes are, anything from a complex and methodical attack against their family tree unto a thousand generations to "you fight like a Commoner".

Tengu_temp
2008-10-05, 02:46 PM
Getting into an argument with one of your allies right before the combat and completely ignoring the enemy is bound to work on anyone.

Magnor Criol
2008-10-05, 02:51 PM
Getting into an argument with one of your allies right before the combat and completely ignoring the enemy is bound to work on anyone.

This.

Imagine the orcs: They love to fight, right? They consider themselves beings of war (most of them do, rather). So what could be more insulting to an orc than having someone or something it designates an enemy just flat out ignore it? That's a statement of "You're no threat to me" with a sideline of "You're so not worth my time I'm not even going to bother telling you so".

Morty
2008-10-05, 02:52 PM
You can also use French taunting from Holy Grail if you're out of ideas. Though it's more likely to annoy your DM.

Edge
2008-10-05, 02:53 PM
Personally, I'd just use a Perform (witty insult) check. :smallwink:

The ignoring works too. Bound to really wind up egotistical monsters. I imagine it working a dream on an illithid.

Saph
2008-10-05, 03:03 PM
My favourite one for demons/devils/other evil outsiders is "Your mother was a celestial." It's worked pretty well the times I've tried it.

- Saph

chiasaur11
2008-10-05, 03:14 PM
And then there's "Wait. (Whisper to rest of party). I think we made a misstep. We were headed the the nine hells, but we seemed to make a wrong turn somewhere. We've heard you Celestials tend to be helpful. Where can we find some beings of pure evil?"

Erk
2008-10-05, 04:21 PM
I've always liked the tried and true, "Huh. I thought ___ were supposed to be ____," followed up with any number of quips like "You must have flunked out of ____ school", or "No wonder they put you on front gate duty," or whatever.
Eg. "Huh, I thought gnolls were supposed to be crafty. You guys fight like orcs. Retarded orcs. Retarded, sleep deprived orcs. Seriously, don't you have some kind of clever sneaky plan?" or "Huh. I thought orcs were supposed to be warlike. When did they replace your axes with nerf weapons?"

daggaz
2008-10-05, 04:32 PM
"I've fought mud-crabs that were tougher than you.."

SoulCatcher78
2008-10-05, 04:43 PM
If there's a language barrier, certain non-verbal taunts usually work (see also:Braveheart).

Cheesegear
2008-10-05, 04:44 PM
Point at a gnome. "You're a monster! RAWR!"

monty
2008-10-05, 04:54 PM
Insulting the mother will usually work. Unless they don't have a mother.

Zocelot
2008-10-05, 05:04 PM
PC:"Was your father an orc?"
Orc:"Of course, and he was a damn strong one too"
PC:"Oh, so it was your mother who was a Gelatinous Cube"

Kurald Galain
2008-10-05, 05:11 PM
"It's funny because it's true" doesn't apply, unless the Orc actually thinks that he's a genius.

Hey orc! Yo mama was an orc!

Flickerdart
2008-10-05, 05:14 PM
PC:"Was your father an orc?"
Orc:"Of course, and he was a damn strong one too"
PC:"Oh, so it was your mother who was a Gelatinous Cube"
Beautiful. You win cookies.

monty
2008-10-05, 05:21 PM
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries.
No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

During the second encounter with the same monsters:
'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a second time!
How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters.
No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Yes, this time and try any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
No, remain you illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy English kaniggets! Thpppt!



Replace references as appropriate.

Thoughtbot360
2008-10-05, 09:05 PM
"Huh. I thought orcs were supposed to be warlike. When did they replace your axes with nerf weapons?"

Oh noes! 4kids strikes again!

Pie Guy
2008-10-05, 09:24 PM
"Your mother was a monk!"

Flickerdart
2008-10-05, 09:28 PM
"Your mother was a monk!"
And YOUR mother was a Truenamer!

Pie Guy
2008-10-05, 09:29 PM
And YOUR mother was a Truenamer!

"Your mother was a monk multiclassed to truenamer!"

Sstoopidtallkid
2008-10-05, 09:30 PM
"Your mother was a monk multiclassed to truenamer!""You shouldn't talk, your mom had Samurai levels!"

SoD
2008-10-05, 09:33 PM
For beholders: "Hang on...I thought proper beholders were meant to have scaley skin..." or something similar.

Aquillion
2008-10-05, 09:34 PM
Just go around the need for an insult and cast Crushing Despair on them directly.

Once again, wizards win.

Prometheus
2008-10-05, 09:37 PM
Lizardfolk: "Gee, I am sure glad I ran into you guys because there is this pair of boots I've just been dying to make..."

Goblin: "So I heard you goblinfolk are so lame and poor you ride on dogs...But, uh, they didn't seem too think you deserved a dog, did they?"

Ankheg (or something like it):
Hey, bug!
You know how many of your kind I've swatted with a newspaper?
You're nothing but a smear on the sports page to me...
you slimy, gut-sucking, intestinal parasite!
Eat me!
Eat me!
What's up?
You just going to eat and run, huh?
What about dessert?
That's it?
Where you going? This party's just getting started.
Where're you going?Where you going?
Listen.
There's one way off this planet, baby, and that's through me.
Where're you going?
Why you runnin', huh?
I'm still standing.
Come on. Bring it. Bring it.
*stomps on cockroach*
I'm sorry. Was that your auntie?
*stomps on another, grinding it into the ground*
That must mean that's your uncle, huh?
*crunch goes another*
You know you all look alike.
*monster roars and turns around*
Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh?
What I can't understand is why you...
got to come down here bringing all this ruckus. Snatching up galaxies and everything.
My attitude is, don't start nothing, won't be nothing.
You need to ease up out my face before something bad happen to you.
Too late. (http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/m/men-in-black-script-transcript.html)

chronoplasm
2008-10-05, 11:20 PM
Point at your crotch and grunt menacingly.
Then jump up and down and throw leaves everywhere while shrieking loudly.
Remember to pound your chest a bit, but don't over-do it.
Finish it off by flinging some feces or other bodily fluids and you're golden.

Dhavaer
2008-10-06, 01:15 AM
Warning: very crude.

"What in the Abyss did your mother spread for when she made you?"

Originally concieved to be used against a half-orc with lots of deformity feats.

Doomsy
2008-10-06, 01:22 AM
Drow: "Shut up. Men are talkin'."


Illithids: "Jokes on you, I carved exploding runes onto my skull."

Orcs: "These are some well armed goblins. The real orcs must be terrors to give them their cast-offs."

Dragon: "I've seen street w----- with better treasure." This one was tried and tested in a game by another PC. Apparently dragons do have a berserk button.

Dragonborn: "So which of your parents was the size queen?"

Elf: "Do you have a bow? I bet you have a bow. Can I see your bow? I bet you were raised in the woods too. Why do you people *bother* living forever?"

Harpy: "So do the men kill themselves before or after?"

Vampire: "Prey? You call me prey? You are not a predator. I have fought and killed predators, kings of the jungle and lords of the water and they were noble fights. You are a parasite, a filthy mite living in the bowels of a better creature than you could ever hope to be. You live in filth because you are filth. Because you are too cowardly to die like all true men must. I have come to make the decision for you, and may the gods have mercy on your fearful soul. I bring you light." - Vampire hunter, D&D 3.5E session, in a sudden stinging retort to a vampire lord living in a wrecked mansion in a city. He then proceeded to burn him alive using a number of radiance/sun abilities.

Cuddly
2008-10-06, 01:26 AM
Orbizards showing off their orbs.
Their other implement.

Singhilarity
2008-10-06, 01:55 AM
Drow: "Shut up. Men are talkin'."


Illithids: "Jokes on you, I carved exploding runes onto my skull."

Orcs: "These are some well armed goblins. The real orcs must be terrors to give them their cast-offs."

Dragon: "I've seen street w----- with better treasure." This one was tried and tested in a game by another PC. Apparently dragons do have a berserk button.

Dragonborn: "So which of your parents was the size queen?"

Elf: "Do you have a bow? I bet you have a bow. Can I see your bow? I bet you were raised in the woods too. Why do you people *bother* living forever?"

Harpy: "So do the men kill themselves before or after?"

Vampire: "Prey? You call me prey? You are not a predator. I have fought and killed predators, kings of the jungle and lords of the water and they were noble fights. You are a parasite, a filthy mite living in the bowels of a better creature than you could ever hope to be. You live in filth because you are filth. Because you are too cowardly to die like all true men must. I have come to make the decision for you, and may the gods have mercy on your fearful soul. I bring you light." - Vampire hunter, D&D 3.5E session, in a sudden stinging retort to a vampire lord living in a wrecked mansion in a city. He then proceeded to burn him alive using a number of radiance/sun abilities.

Very classy.
The Elf one cracked me up the most, I think...

But the idea of waiting for someone to pass out and inscribing (mirrored, if need be) exploding runes on their forehead, and leaving around a mirror is just too good.

bosssmiley
2008-10-06, 04:07 AM
Point at your crotch and grunt menacingly.
Then jump up and down and throw leaves everywhere while shrieking loudly.
Remember to pound your chest a bit, but don't over-do it.
Finish it off by flinging some faeces or other bodily fluids and you're golden.

Sounds like a typical night out on the Bigg Market to me. :smallconfused:

Classic insult: "You fight/cast/sneak like a Bard!" :smalltongue:

KKL
2008-10-06, 04:21 AM
You know who are the dime a dozen cannon fodder in the D&D world?

Kobolds.

Comparing whatever you're fighting with to a Kobold is bound to push a few buttons.

KKL
2008-10-06, 04:22 AM
Stupid computer doubleposting for no apparent reason. Ignore this.

Tyrmatt
2008-10-06, 04:31 AM
I remember using insults (mostly directed at our DM really) to make him want to try and kill my relatively weak glass cannon...he never saw the flanking and subsequent removal of his villains limbs coming...though if you will turn your back on two very large angry warrior types to try and kill someone who can dodge almost any melee attack...

Storm Bringer
2008-10-06, 07:44 AM
Dwarves: "someone pass the shaving cream! this halfling needs his hair doing!"

HAlfling: "come up here and say that! Oh, wait......."

Orcs: "did you Know Gruumsh actaully put his eye out in shame at being hte god of such a bunch of wusses?"

Quincunx
2008-10-06, 08:02 AM
I forget the context, but calling someone a 'halfling toe-queen' was poorly received.

Weiser_Cain
2008-10-06, 09:04 AM
*sniff* Is that your mother I smell or did I step in something?
Works for any race really.

Merlon
2008-10-06, 09:44 AM
Quoting classics:

"Those fleas crawling on your body, can they do tricks?"

And others:

Your so ugly that words cant explain your face. so i will just go throw up
If I looked as bad as you do I'd wear a mask.

*with bored expression* Damn not you again.......

cenghiz
2008-10-06, 09:46 AM
In a campaign far ago I was a homebrewed class - a 'crackle'. The class was based on affinity with elemental fire and I was immune to fire, also had a great speed(like the burst of fire).

We were forced to get into a red dragon's cave to retrieve an item and we knew a direct assault would be death. Also our DM being a clever DM we knew sneaking in wouldn't work oh so well, y'know, there are alarms, cunning traps and a dragon's intelligence in the stratosphere for several contingencies.

So I decided to draw the attention onto myself and just did burst in with full speed, setting off about 5 alarms and a couple traps. I stopped just in a distance to the dragon, said "Hi.." and started looting.

The DM decided the dragon would be reeeeally pissed off and would pursue me to Absys and even beyond if he has to.

And... I died. I was faster than the dragon could keep up but 'grease' is a low level spell.

Merlon
2008-10-06, 09:58 AM
For tall monsters: (modification from "full metal jacket")

*Size them up slowly, appraise their height and say with awe* Goddamned, I didn't know that they stack **** that high now-a-days....

monty
2008-10-06, 10:33 AM
You know who are the dime a dozen cannon fodder in the D&D world?

Kobolds.

Comparing whatever you're fighting with to a Kobold is bound to push a few buttons.

Your DM obviously hasn't been throwing the right kind of kobolds at you, then. In any sort of "realistic" setting, kobolds would rule the world, because they're just that good.

Weiser_Cain
2008-10-06, 10:38 AM
Your DM obviously hasn't been throwing the right kind of kobolds at you, then. In any sort of "realistic" setting, kobolds would rule the world, because they're just that good.

Ok, wait, You going to have to explain that!

Mina Kobold
2008-10-06, 10:58 AM
to an orc: Halloween's over take of the mask.

If you are small and the enemy medium: AAH an ogre.
If you are a small bard: you're getting killed by a singing kid.

:biggrin:

chiasaur11
2008-10-06, 11:27 AM
Ok, wait, You going to have to explain that!

Two Kobold individuals and one Kobold clan should be sufficient:

The Oracle
Pun-Pun
Tucker's Kobolds.

Falrin
2008-10-06, 12:21 PM
I called one's mother a B*tch, but that blink dog didn't seem to mind.

String
2008-10-06, 12:55 PM
A few repurposed Shakespearean quotes, to be delivered by a Bard for maximum fun:

(After an opponent misses):
"Hast thou never an eye in thy head?"

(To an Orc or other ugly creature):
"Your horrid image doth unfix my hair."

(All-purpose angry retort):
"Thou qualling fen-sucked codpiece!"

Roderick_BR
2008-10-06, 03:10 PM
"What with you being a bastard elemental's ill-thought attempt to invade a realm that frankly, is a heaven compared to the failed experiment that a divine moron created to blow off steam, I thought I would be able to outsmart you. I still think so."

You exist to be slaughtered for the practice and pleasure of the fight. You are allowed possessions only so that others may have the joy of taking them away. Your are a line in someone else's story. Not one thing you do will ever matter - your whole life is merely a buildup until a wandering party of adventurers happens by to murder you.

Getting into an argument with one of your allies right before the combat and completely ignoring the enemy is bound to work on anyone.
How about something that won't make the monster attack you while you are not paying attention, because he doesn't understand what you are saying at all? :smalltongue:

To most savage humanoids, I usually use the ever-basic "Are those pointy ears I'm seeing? Because you sure fight like an elf" as mid-battle banter to rile them up. No one likes being compared to elves :smalltongue:.
Ok, guys, thread over. No one can top this one.

Maroon
2008-10-06, 03:50 PM
"Hey, minotaur! How appropriate..."

Merlon
2008-10-06, 05:47 PM
With a face like yours, you could probably stop an avalanche in its track.

Kris Strife
2008-11-08, 12:42 AM
Getting into an argument with one of your allies right before the combat and completely ignoring the enemy is bound to work on anyone.

this is actually a survival technique for Discworld wizards. Eventually what ever the danger is gets bored and goes some where else.
For drow, sing the Spiderman song 'Spiderman Spiderman, does whatever a spider can' but replace 'man' with any derogatory term towards women and replace his actions with appropriate phrases.

Skjaldbakka
2008-11-08, 12:52 AM
I remember using insults (mostly directed at our DM really) to make him want to try and kill my relatively weak glass cannon...he never saw the flanking and subsequent removal of his villains limbs coming...though if you will turn your back on two very large angry warrior types to try and kill someone who can dodge almost any melee attack...

Traditionally, the glass cannon is the guy that dishes out lots of damage, but is easy to kill. Not the guy who can take lots of attacks without dying. That is usually reffered to as the tank.

In this case, an AC tank, but still not much of a glass cannon.

Prometheus
2008-11-08, 04:47 PM
Oh Noes! The vicious cycle of thread necromancy grows and I was the conduit! It's just like those army of wrights that the cheesers are always talking about! I should have listened to the cheerers when they tried to warn me! The cheesers! AHHHHH! The world is now enveloped in a zombie Apocalypse!

To a mimic taking the form of a treasure chest: Say, that is one ugly rock! I wonder what an ugly rock is doing in a nice dungeon like this. We'd better stay away from it.