insulting a villain

[elliott20]

show me your best zinger that you've flung at a villain before!

[Ravyn]

I've got two or three.

The first--his name was Seven Steel Viper. The key word here being was. We had fun with how pretentious it was, perhaps a bit too much fun. Just kept getting it wrong--different numbers, different materials, different types of snake--until finally, I delivered the last line. "I know! We'll call you Half Dozen Pincushion!" And peppered him with six chakram.

By the next battle, we'd almost forgotten he was ever known as anything else.

The other one I'm not quite as proud of, but one of my groupmates loved it. There we are--us, the deathknight opposition, the door we need to get through. They expect they're going to walk all over us. We expect differently. And somewhere in the process, to try to get across what they're dealing with, I calmly ask, "Do you have any idea how many of your kind have been lost to terminal cases of my displeasure?"

[newbDM]

Well, not really a "zinger", but about two months ago when our party finished a dungeon of a mad steampunkish Frankenstein like scientist who kept annoying us through an intercom system, he did the old self-destruct thing for the dungeon. Given that my PC is around 1,500 years old, trying to escape death, and my regular PC I keep bringing back, he immediately started yelling at the speaker in the room (while I was looking at the DM IRL) "Oh come on. The old self-destructing dungeon thing? Can you get anymore cliche? Do you know how many times I have seen this one? I expected more from you!" etc, etc, etc. Eventually the other PCs started pulling me out of the room, reminding me that the place was about to come down on our heads, and the paladin suggested "Don't mock the villain!".



p.s. Great thread idea here.

[Lemur]

My best so far was an inane one-liner:

"Hey ugly! Were you born that ugly, or were you just born that way?"

It was so stupid the DM lost his train of thought, and seemed to be considering whether or not he should smite my character then and there, just to stop the idiocy.

[Yukitsu]

"Oh jeeze another monologue. Didn't I say I'd slit my own throat if the next one in line did that? Resurrect me when he's done, death will be a mercy compared to that blather."

[ocato]

"You'll never defeat the almighty King of the Black Serpent Societ--"

*BBEG looks down to see a Gnome Bard digging a shortsword into his abdomen. He pauses, then keels over*

"Bardpwnt?"

[Kris Strife]

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!"

"**** you, I have bed rest" (Inside joke on that)

[Mr. Zook]

paladin this battle is over! gaint undead worm eats palidin who cuts his way out killing it, NOW THIS BATTLE IS OVER!
party is invisable or hidden wizzard casts save-or-die spell, dragon fails, dm: well, the riders plan was to go down firing, but seeing as now one is there... bard, ha, suck it, fool!
not quite a line, but situations:
first, trapping the mummy in its tomb with two immoveable rods
second, one attack at seventh level that dealt enough damage to drop a mud golem at ful health while invisible
third, grappling, and beating a crocidile two sizes larger, then beating it up

[CompositeSanta]

In the ravenloft Campaign I DM, A seductive female vampire was attempting to dominate the equally attractive Aasimar Samurai/Kensai. After it failed, he quipped, "Sorry, you're not my type!" and sliced her in half with his katanas. To this day I'm not sure if he originally meant for it to be such a great pun, but it made me laugh so hard I gave him a little extra rp xp to boost him to the same level as the rest of the party.

[Fiendish_Dire_Moose]

To a minotaur:
"Hey, ugly! You're mother was an ogre and your father was a gaseous spore!
Hey! Retard! Your mother is SOOOOOOOOOOO fat that her [expletive] counts as a CR 15 dungeon!
Hey! Dirty [expletive]! Your mother is so stupid she looked in the mirror and rolled for initiative!
You there! Dumb[expletive]! Your mother is so ugly, she looked at a beholder and it turned to stone!
Hey! Dumb face! You're suck so much you couldn't hit the broad side of a proned barn!"

[Sstoopidtallkid]

"Let's hurry up and kill this guy, I want to craft a Ring of Jumping."

[Ravens_cry]

Saying "Your the villain?!" then doubling over with laughter.

[Ganurath]

Nirako sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. "To think I got in a fight with the chronicler over not recording the weaknesses of this demon last time it emmerged... Everything must be its weakness!"

[kbk]

We faced Bran the bandit!

I asked him what sort of crappy name Bran was. I informed him how I ate bran for breakfast.

[newbDM]

To a minotaur:
"Hey, ugly! You're mother was an ogre and your father was a gaseous spore!
Hey! Retard! Your mother is SOOOOOOOOOOO fat that her [expletive] counts as a CR 15 dungeon!
Hey! Dirty [expletive]! Your mother is so stupid she looked in the mirror and rolled for initiative!
You there! Dumb[expletive]! Your mother is so ugly, she looked at a beholder and it turned to stone!
Hey! Dumb face! You're suck so much you couldn't hit the broad side of a proned barn!"

I have to ask, how did that encounter turn out?

[Fiendish_Dire_Moose]

I used Martydom to save my friends life, I died. I was a Paladin of Insulting.
I died giving him the finger. I died happy.

[Nero24200]

Servent of the BBEG: "You should be scared, I am far more powerful than my predasseor!"
My PC: "Well, if you only talk half as much as he did I should be fine".

Big Boss, formaly a love interest of my PC: "Such a waste to fight against me, with such strength you could have won my heart."
My PC: "That black withered thing without pity?"

[ShneekeyTheLost]

Here's a few choices that I have done in the past:

First, a classic: "You mother was a hampster, and your father smelt of Elderberry!"

Then, quoting one Oxhorn... "Dude, you want to talk ugly? Man, I thought the ugliest thing I'd ever seen was that messed up flesh golem with all the parts in the wrong places, but you got him beat hands down! You look like you got beat within an inch of your life with the ugly stick, tied to the ugly wagon with the ugly rope and dragged down ugly road for eight ugly miles!"

and, of course, for the pretentious and egotistical enemies, nothing quite beats a yawn in the middle of their monolague. A big, cavernous, loud yawn, followed by the apology "Oh, were you still speaking? Sorry, I'm just getting a little bored here waiting for you to finish so I can go ahead and kill you already. Can we hurry this up? I got your mom on my schedule in an hour."


or

"What, you actually think that's going to work?" he says with an expression of disbelief. "Come on, I've heard better plots from small children in a monastary." he shakes his head and walks forward, bringing out an old, dusty tomb, offering it to him "Look, take a page from someone who actually accomplishes things, what ya gotta do here is..." Full Attack Sneak Attack! (replace with Time Stands Still + Rabid Mongoose in Assassin's Stance if playing Swordsage)

[streakster]

"Most warriors salute their foe - to show their respect!"
"I would, had I any."

"Nobody move, or-"
<<Utterdark Blast!>>

Yes, I may have been watching Firefly for the last one...

[Blackfang108]

"Before you die, do you have any last words?"

"See ya!"

*Fey Step 25 feet back, turn and RUN.*

During the run:

Rider: "Stop running!"

"You're going to kill me anyway, I might as well make you work for it!"

I got away, killing one of the riders, injuring the second, and outriding the third.

He's still in that campaign, too. Itching for a fair fight against the corrupt general who tried to execute him.

I have a good line set up for that one, too.

"Not as easy as killing an unarmed man, is it?"

[Lorien077]

You know the module in the back of the Eberron book? We were going through it, and when Saber dropped from the ceiling, he started monologuing. That is until our goblin artificer burned an action point to interrupt his monologue, and nailed him with a construct bane crossbow bolt to the forehead. We let him run away because we felt sorry for him.
However this backfired the next time he showed up.
A party member: "Oh wait isn't that erm... ah... Scimitar? Yeah, its Scimitar! The warforged we let run away!"
Saber: "MY NAME IS SABeR!!!!" *froth at mouth and charge*
The next several time we fought him we called him Scimitar. Poor guy.

[Satyr]

I fear that most of the mocks we use in a game are probably to vulgar for this forum, but i think at least some quotes are less offensive... bt still more on the crueller than on the funny side. We tend to play in harsh and gritty settings.

"I was once told to strike to kill. Never understood why. I strike to cripple and maim."

*Deliberatly drops shield* "I won't need this. You won't touch me."

*with a child-like singsong* "come out to play, come out to dance, come out to play, come out to dance, come out to play, come out to dance...."

"I fight with a bastard" *draws bastard sword*

"I won't kill you. I will just have your hands."

"Any famous last words?"

"My heart is cold like the winter and knows less mercy."

"Attacking me is no sign of courage, but insanity."

"You are no warrior - you are a victim."

And obviously:
"You fight like a cow."

[CheshireCatAW]

My rogue gets an amazing success on a Gather Information roll about the BBEG cleric. He finds out that the guy has a daughter who has a wild streak (and is a sorceress). My rogue finds her at the bar-scene and picks her up, and when you've got a high Cha rogue, one thing leads to another...

Pick up the next day, we've gone through the overly-trapped sanctum and are facing off against the cleric and a couple of undead.

The BBEG begins insulting the group. Saying how insignificant they are, beginning to detail his magnificent plan, when my rogue interjects with...

"That's ok, your daughter had my (expletive) in her mouth last night" (Thank you www.questionablecontent.net)

The DM needed a moment to collect himself.

Edit: Messed up the address, thank you Flickerdart

[Pellow]

"your mother was a werehamster and your father smelt of gooseberries"

[Flickerdart]

My rogue gets an amazing success on a Gather Information roll about the BBEG cleric. He finds out that the guy has a daughter who has a wild streak (and is a sorceress). My rogue finds her at the bar-scene and picks her up, and when you've got a high Cha rogue, one thing leads to another...

Pick up the next day, we've gone through the overly-trapped sanctum and are facing off against the cleric and a couple of undead.

The BBEG begins insulting the group. Saying how insignificant they are, beginning to detail his magnificent plan, when my rogue interjects with...

"That's ok, your daughter had my (expletive) in her mouth last night" (Thank you www.questionablecontent.com)

The DM needed a moment to collect himself.
It's .net, not .com.

[Project_Mayhem]

Probably worth mentioning this (http://www.nuklearpower.com/daily.php?date=030621) gem

[CompositeSanta]

Another great Zinger. BBEG just said that they don't have to fight, and maybe they can work out some kind of deal.

Rogue: Well I do have something that might interest someone such as yourself. It's a magical ring.

BBEG: Oh really then. What kind is it?

Rogue: A ring of jump-up-your-own-{naughtywordsgohere}

BBEG: That deal just jumped off the table.

Rogue: And up your {ohmygoodness}, right?

BBEG: I'll make sure your death is the most painful.

[BRC]

There is always the classic:


BBEG: You pathetic fools, my plan is almost complete, it is too late for you to stop me!
PC: I would have been here sooner, but I was too busy sleeping with your wife.

[FinalJustice]

"Sure you don't want some time to cast some protective spells?... Because I can wait..."

After defeating BBEG.
"That's IT? I entered in this stinky hellhole to have a real fight!... You know what? Here, take this scroll of gate. Gate a balor here so I can kill something worth it."
*Bonus points if you hand him a paper with Explosive Runes*
*Extra bonus if you scribe the runes on an actual scroll of gate and kill the balor*

BBEG: 'You'll only stop this ritual over my dead body'
PC: "There will be no body when I finish you"

(Never flung any of them, sadly)

[Quirinus_Obsidian]

25th level Dragon Shaman (with nearly 600HP, don't ask) wins initiative and gets right in the face of the 30th level magic user. Says, and I quote: "Your pathetic magic will never break my will or my fortitude. Sad sack of skin and bones you are. Stand down, and I will not leave your skinny corpse as a smear on my sword".

[Doomsy]

SR campaign. The group has been effectively pinned down on one of the top floors of a corporation by the corporations hermetic mage CEO and a small squad of his security troops. The walls are glass and they are about twenty stories up. He walks out into the open to screw with them, knowing his security team in the corners will pick them off if they pop up for something clever. He does a rather nasty insulting monologue while the team hits the floor behind the heavy office furniture. His back is to the window on the west side.


"Yeah, you're smart and powerful and so much better than us. But we have something you don't have."

"Oh? What is that?"

"Cover."
And that was when the rigger who had been playing gargoyle the entire session and barely even talking nailed him with a missile. She had been circling and watching the fight, then spent his entire monologue aiming to hype up the accuracy. Killed him and half his security team instantly.

[Leewei]

My current campaign uses the Greek pantheon. I have a degenerate CN Drow Beguiler who enthusiastically follows Dionysus. He has an enemy -- pretty much all other Drow he meets. A pair of them recognized them and hid until they had him more or less separated from the group; then they attacked.

"You have defiled the honor of your clan!" they shouted as they attacked.

"I defiled your grandmother!" I yelled back.

Things quickly went downhill from there.

[Fhaolan]

(Copied from an earlier post in a old thread)

One of my players always has a create water memorized, and he might even memorize it as quickened if he's being ornery. He uses it like an 'insult to injury' type spell.

"Ha! Now you are at my mercy!"

<Create Water> *splooosh*

"You cannot defeat me! I am a GOD!!!"

<Create Water> *splooosh*

"Stop that! This is a silk robe!"

<Create Water> *splooosh*

Nothing ticks off the BBEG more than being soggy.

[cenghiz]

This story (http://baencd.thefifthimperium.com/11-UntotheBreachCD/UntotheBreachCD/There%20Will%20be%20Dragons/There_Will_be_Dragons.htm) had a scene which I loved. Let me spoiler it in case someone wants to read the whole story.


"No weapon is proof against my armor," McCanoc continued, circling his smaller opponent. "My blade will go right through your armor and my cloud will kill you even if my blade doesn't. Nice, isn't it? It's a medical protocol that Chansa gifted me with. Your wife will like it, I think. Perhaps I'll feed her to it, after our child is born. You are going to die, here, Edmund Talbot."

"I think not," the baron replied, sighing. "Taunting, taunting, taunting. I halfway expect you to say 'neener neener.' So far your cloud doesn't appear to be working." He turned aside another blow lightly and stepped to the side, holding his hammer at the ready. "And, you know, Dionys, you really aren't very good at taunting."

"D'you think you can do better?" Dionys snapped, leaping forward and driving a blow against Talbot's shield. This time, Talbot caught the blow full against it and the sword rang as it was stopped by the metal of the shield.

"Oh, yes," Edmund replied. "What? You don't think I'd have standard armor, do you? I'm a master-smith. Of course it's power-armor you twit! As to taunting . . . Try this." He thought for a moment then cleared his throat.

"Dionys, thou art a coward. Sooth doth thou send others before thee and refrain from the strife thyself. Thou strikest women yet shirk to strike a man, lest thy pustulent skin be cut by a blade fairer than thy own. Sooth, thou art a coward, McCanoc."

"What?" Dionys shouted, slamming another blow into the shield. Edmund turned it aside as if it was of no importance and continued.

"Dionys, thou art a braggart. Braggart thou art for nought, for in every contest thou art defeated. Fighter of weaklings and braggarts like thyself, whensoever a true knight face thee, thou runs away. Yet, in sooth, from this cowardly retreat dost thou make brag. McCanoc, thou art a braggart."

Herzer watched in amazement as the smith started to dance around his much larger opponent, taking blow after blow unfazed and practically singing his taunts as Dionys began slamming out blows in naked fury.

"Dionys, thou art smelly. Thy breath stinks of the rotten ejacula of horses, which, sooth, thou dost love as thy morning drink. Thy body reeks with the stench of fear, and the manure of asparagus-eating goats is better than the smell from thy mustache. McCanoc, thou art a stinker."

At this Dionys let out a bellow like none before and began chasing Edmund around the defile. Others got out of their way, laughing now at Edmund's taunts. Despite McCanoc's size he could never seem to catch the smith.

"Dionys, thou art ugly. Thy orcs doth not run forward to the fight, but away from thy countenance. Sooth, in the history of the ill-favored, thy name is held in high esteem. Thy whore mother screamed at first sight of thee as the replicator burst open of its own accord in horror. The ill-fortuned persons that were forced to care for thee had to put a pork chop around thy neck to get the dog to play with thee. Further, sooth, when it did, it mistook thy ass for thy face and preferred it to lick. McCanoc, thou art ugly.

"Dionys, thou art stupid. Thrice hast thou attacked us and thrice have we thrown thee back, though we be but, forsooth, a fraction of thy number. Thou art unlettered and hath never read of the term 'defeat in detail,' for, assuredly, but those few letters would require all day and the use of both of your pustulent forefingers. But the veriest simpleton canst understand that thine tactics are those of a school-yard bully held back until his tutors at last release him as a man full grown yet unable to manage fingerpainting. The very fact that thou canst breathe must be by the arts of some homunculi or hob, smarter than thou, who doth sit upon thy shoulder and whisper in thy ear, 'breathe in, breathe out' else surely thou wouldst cease in this vital activity for lack of thought. Canst thou walk and chew bubble gum at the same time it is asked and I cry 'Nay' for I have found you, face down, the bubble gum before you upon the ground as proof.

"McCanoc, thou art stupid."

"And that," he finished taking another blow on the shield and stopping his dance, "is how a professional insults someone! Now, go away, or I'll start in on Arabic you miserable mound of gelatinous pus!"

Herzer wished that he could see Dionys' face; he figured he was just about to have a stroke. His voice was hoarse and it sounded almost as if he was crying.

McCanoc is really a stupid, stinky, coward idiot and this page of insults made me laugh really loud.
infectious,
sig

[Knaight]

Some background on this one. At one point in a fantasy game I'm running a necromancer had created two powerful creatures. One of them was a spirit named The Servant, who had the personality and intelligence of a young child, albeit an extremely creative and resourceful one. The servant was actually pretty impressive, and had flair, walking around in a possessed body, which was probably heavily modified, holding a sword made of bone with mercury edges and runes all over it, and having a pool of mercury which stored stuff. The Servant was also always taunting in battle. The other creation who hated The Servant's guts(and the players, as The Servant liked them and kept twisting the rules of the order to kill them). This one was named The Second(as in second in command.)

Anyways The Second appears in front of the players, and yells out "I am The Second, greatest creation of the greatest necromancer who ever lived, eclipsing even my masters power. You will all die"

At which point one of the players interrupts "Oh, he didn't name you either. I must say I was surprised when he didn't name the Servant, but in your case it kind of makes sense, I mean who names their sketches?"

Keep in mind this is somebody who hates The Servant's guts, and has an ego. Good times.