Illuminati University

[Vespe Ratavo]

Welcome to Illuminati University
Suckers

From the outside, perhaps, it seems like an average university. Well, it might, if one only took a passing glance. Anyone bothering to look a tad closer would find that the rather large tree on campus is actually the Botany building, that the student body consists of demons, aliens, robots, ninjas, and an indescribable multitude of anything imaginable (as well as the occasional mundane civilian, just for variety).

Becoming a student isn't hard. Just wait around campus long enough, and sooner or later, you'll feel a great disturbance in your bank account, as if millions of dollars cried out in terror, and then were suddenly silenced.

Upon becoming a student, this letter is received.
Dear Students,

Welcome to another fantastic year at Illuminati University (or IOU, for short)! To our new students, we promise your freshthing year will be one of the best years of your life. Illuminati University is THE place to learn Things Man Was Not Meant To Know. Nearly every possible discipline (and a good amount of impossible disciplines) are taught somewhere on campus.

For the benefit of freshthings, we present a short list of the major schools.

School of Weird and Unusual Sciences and Engineering - One of the larger schools on campus, WUSE is the best place to go for those interested in the (mad) sciences.
College of Obscure and Unhealthy Professions - COUP teaches underhanded, sneaky, and often downright criminal professions. It also runs the Law and Medical schools on campus.
College of Temporal Happenstance, Ultimate Lies, and Historical Undertakings - C.T.H.U.L.H.U. (the dean insists on the periods) deals with history, both dull, textbook style and the much more fun hands-on approach. For students who don't mind frequent and severe headaches, courses in time travel theory and application are also offered.
School of Conservative Arts - The business school. All non-majors attempting to sit through one of the classes must make a Will roll or suffer the effects of Sleep. One of the biggest refuges of mundanes on campus.
School of Performing and Creative Arts The FS School of Performing Arts - The theater school. Teaches acting, bardistry, and melodrama.
College of Metaphysics - The magic school. Teaches divine as well as arcane magic. Some Illumni become gods. Students often refer to themselves as "metaphysics mage-ors" and insist their college is run by a "dean-mon." Those allergic to puns are encouraged to stay far away.
College of Communications - Teaches journalism, government studies, brainwashing, and mind control. Fnord.
School of Social Anti-Sciences - The other refuge of mundanes on campus. Teaches a little bit of everything, although in the most boring way possible. Anyone wishing to retain their sanity is encouraged to stay FAR AWAY. Strangely, the English Department of SSAS is the most powerful department on campus. No one is safe from their tyrannical grasp of the English language.
College of Zen Surrealism - The "none of the above" school. The home for departments so horribly divorced from reality they have trouble justifying their very existence. Also the home of "pure math" people, who spend their days drinking coffee, trying to invert the sphere, and working vector calculus in 13.79 non-Euclidian spaces.
The main Campus Rules, in convenient list form.
1: The ArchDean always gets 10%.
2: No exceptions. No freebies.
3: Don't mess with cats.
4: Thou shalt never lower the ArchDean's stock values.
5: First semester freshthings are completely off limits.
6: No black holes on campus, except small ones on pizza.
7: No antimatter on campus. Even on pizza.
8: Destruction of the Earth, the Sun, or other solar system objects requires the express written permission of the ArchDean.
9: No faculty blood-feuds without a current permit.
10: Serious Business and wangst (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Wangst) are punishable by cow.
Sincerely,
The Archdean
OOC Stuffs
For starters, I would like to say that most of this post, as well as the entire idea of Illuminati University, was shamelessly stolen from this book. (http://www.sjgames.com/gurps/books/IOU/)

At IOU, anything can (and will) happen. Students are encouraged to make up their own classes, departments, majors, and even schools, if you're not satisfied with the default ones.

One need not be young to go to IOU, the school readily accepts pupils of any age, and even offers night and drive-through classes for working students.

Feel free to start your own plots, but since the campus is a big place, it might behoove you to put In Bold where you are at the top of each post. Putting what plot you're involved in In Bold might also be helpful for those scanning for posts relevant to them.

For those who skipped reading the above letter, I would like to remind you that Serious Business and Wangst (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Wangst) are punishable by cow. You do not want to know what that entails.

Now go, have fun, be silly, blow things up, and remember, you're not cleared to know what the O stands for.

[Quinsar]

http://i214.photobucket.com/albums/cc102/quinsarny/Vince.png
He walks up to the school, cigarette hanging un lit out of the corner of his mouth.
He looks for the Arch-Dean.

[Vespe Ratavo]

A blonde woman - about six feet in her high heel boots - appears in front of him. She's wearing a white leather mini-dress, and appears to have angel wings and a halo, which is hanging crookedly off one of her horns. Yes? May I help you?

She looks something like this (http://www.autodueltimes.com/pyramid/gifbin/p14/iou_student.gif), only with the angel wings and much less irritated.

[Quinsar]

He stares at her... chest for a moment, then looks at her face.
Are you the dean?

[Vespe Ratavo]

She gives an irritated "ahem," then smiles, and cheerfully says I am the ArchDean, yes. To who am I speaking?

[Quinsar]

Vince Raymond Dredicus....
He offers his hand.
****.
He wasn't expecting uber hot here.
He was expect some old guy.
"The Man"
Some stuffed collar for him to hate and not conform to.
But....
Wowsa.
What a chest...

[Vespe Ratavo]

The ArchDean takes his hand and shakes it. Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Dredicus. So, what brings you here?

[Quinsar]

I'm interested in becoming a student...
His eyes stray to her chest, again.
Booooobs....

[Vespe Ratavo]

Evidently, the ArchDean either doesn't notice, doesn't care, or isn't willing to bring up the issue of Vince staring at her chest. Ah, excellent, we always love new students. Now, we need you to submit the results of a... she takes a deep breath, then says College Entrance Examination Board Scholastic Aptitude Test, a Credit Rating, a Signed Release Form, three favorable references from prominent members of your community and a large suitcase filled with small, unmarked bills. After a short pause (and another breath), she adds For the application processing fee, you understand.

[Quinsar]

I have three signed recomendations, my trillionaire daddy's credit card, and I'll do the test where I can....

[Vespe Ratavo]

The ArchDean's eyes light up at the words "trillionaire," in the kind of way that if this were a cartoon, she'd have big dollar signs where her pupils should be. She waves her hand about, and rapidly says Oh well, the test is just a formality I'm sure you'd do great handoverthecreditcard.

[Quinsar]

He flips a credit card at her. It's an "Adamantiun Crystal" level card....
And the recommendations.
He offers her three picture of famous people doing less than lawful things.
Such as murder. Hiring prostitutes, or buying drugs.
They're covered in blood spots.
And have recommendations written on the back.

[Vespe Ratavo]

The ArchDean takes a few quick glances at the pictures, shrugs, and turns her attention to the credit card. She grins. Yes, yes, this will do nicely. Welcome to IOU, have fun. The letter mentioned in the first post appears in Vince's hand. She hands back the photos and the card. I'm sure someone else would love to show you around, but I've got some work to do, I'm afraid. Ta ta. She disappears.

[Quinsar]

He starts walking around, probably settling on a bathroom to smoke in.

[Raistlin1040]

A random teenager with Robert Smith hair with a deck of cards appears in suitably epic fashion. He looks around and tilts his head to the left. Would anyone like to play a card game...for their soul?

[Vespe Ratavo]

A random bystander shouts out Not really, thanks for the offer though.
Another says I'm more of a fiddler, myself.
A third says Sorry, busy, got important things to do.

[Raistlin1040]

The teenager frowns. He points to one of them randomly. Well that's too bad! I challenge you to a duel throw down! But I'm not going to tell you the rules, that would give you an edge. He tosses a deck of cards to the bystander.

[Quinsar]

Vince watches.
Making sure the crease on the arm of his leater jacket looks good...>.<

[Vespe Ratavo]

Ah...boop. He eyes the deck of cards suspiciously, and checks to see if they're (relatively) regular cards or some different kind entirely.

[Raistlin1040]

They seem to be...paper. Lined paper. With little doodles on them, of fantasy creatures.

[Vespe Ratavo]

The boy eyes the teenager incredulously. Seriously? Lined paper? Couldn't even get a decent printer? He experimentally takes one from the deck and just sort of throws it into the air, half-expecting something hideous to spring forth from it and devour the teenager. Or him. Or possibly Vince.

[Quinsar]

Vince starts laughing as he uses his much superior vision to stare at the cards.
Now I see why you flunked art class, zit face.

[Raistlin1040]

Something does spring forth, a mighty Chimera!

...About three inches tall. If the bystander looks, he will notice it's no longer on the card.

The Gibbering Chimera! A good first choice. But I will defeat it! And when I defeat you, your soul will go to the terrible Darky Place! Wait, why the hell is his voice deeper?

He grabs a card and throws it as well, a (relative to the Chimera) giant hawk appearing and lunging at the chimera, messily devouring it.

[Vespe Ratavo]

Ah...I see. Okay, let me just... The bystander picks another card at random and tosses it out.

[ThePhantom]

FS walks onto the campus. "Anyone know where the Archdean is? I'm looking to see if this place is worthy of the 50 trillion gp I could give it."

[Raistlin1040]

This card conjured a tiny snake with legs. The teenager gasps.

Oh no, not the dreaded Trouser Snake! The snake jumps in the air and engulfs the hawk in a single bite. He draws a card and throws it. Go, Pet Rock! A small rock appears, apparently in defensive position.

[Quinsar]

Vince keeps laughing.
Loud.

[Vespe Ratavo]

The ArchDean materializes in front of FS. This day just keeps getting better and better. How may I help you today?

The bystander looks startled. Not the rock! Trouser Snake, stay on your guard. The snake curls up and takes a nap.

A defensive, strategic nap.

[ThePhantom]

"I was think about donating to this university, but I haven't really seen anything that would lead me to believe that doing so is a good idea. Of course, you could try and prove me wrong."

[Raistlin1040]

The teenager draws another card and smirks. I activate a voodoo card! Creature Catapult! A catapult appears and flings the rock at the bystander, ignoring the snake. That's my Rock-et launcher. He puns. Badly. Terrible, terrible puns. He pulls a 2nd card and throws it, creating a pink unicorn. A scary, ferocious, evil unicorn.

[Vespe Ratavo]

Oh, really? Well, if you'll just follow me... The ArchDean motions for FS to follow her. She starts walking towards what appears to be a giant sunflower the size of a building.

The bystander clutches his face. Ow. Seemingly getting the hang of this, he pulls out another card and says You activated my trap card!

A holographic image (with sound) of this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZBA0SKmQy8) appears, looping itself endlessly. Or, you know, until someone stops it.

[ThePhantom]

"So, is this a biology building?" FS follows the ArchDean.

[Quinsar]

Vince finds a place to sleep, laughing.
Deadtime.

[Raistlin1040]

It's too late for that. He says as he draws another card, throwing it. Voodoo Ritual Card! Invisibility for Pink Unicorn This voodoo card makes Pink Unicorn transform into the Invisible Pink Unicorn (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invisible_Pink_Unicorn), paradoxiacally both invisible and pink. The Invisible Pink Unicorn charges the snake, goring it with her invisible horn. Your soul belongs to the Darky Place now! The bystander suddenly has his soul gently plucked out, like a little popcorn shrimp off a platter. The sould is then taken to the Darky Place. Which is bad.

[Vespe Ratavo]

Better. It's a power plant. One hundred percent green, and it produces about 30 megawatts during sunny days. Unfortunately, around springtime we also get pollen grains the size of basketballs. Just the sort of thing we could use more research money for, no? To work out the kinks and such.

Noooo! Not the Darky Plaaa- His soul is then taken to the Darky Place. Which I presume is Dark.

[ThePhantom]

"Interesting, but not really what I like. Do you have other things you could so me?"

[Raistlin1040]

Indeed. It's also very place-like.

The teenage picks up the cards and puts them in his pocket. And THAT, is why card games are SERIOUS BUSINESS.

[Vespe Ratavo]

Oh, of course. If you'll just follow me... The ArchDean walks towards a large building marked WUSE, which suddenly explodes. Er, I meant that other building over there. She walks towards another building marked College of Metaphysics.

The other bystanders shrug, and continue on with their daily routines.

[ThePhantom]

"Metaphyics? So what's taught there?" FS is still following the ArchDean.

[Raistlin1040]

And the teenager deadtimes.

[Vespe Ratavo]

The door automatically opens. Oh, you know, mostly magic, a bit of applied theology and the like. She opens another door, which seems to have been set up for the very purpose of impressing potential donors. A series of interesting looking items have been set up on tables.

The ArchDean picks up what appears to be a tennis racket, looks up at the ceiling, and nods. A large tube appears from one wall, and fires a rocket at the ArchDean. As it reaches her, she casually flicks the racket at it, causing the missile to reverse directions and destroy the tube it came from.

She turns to FS and smiles. Protection Racket.

[ThePhantom]

"Interesting, once again, but I'm still not impressed. Do you have anything focused on the arts or something?"

[Vespe Ratavo]

Arts? Arts. Of course we have arts. The ArchDean snaps her fingers, and the two are in a darkened auditorium. We're just at the end of act one, she whispers to him. She starts munching on a bucket of popcorn which just appeared in her hands.

On stage, the performers are doing a rather poor rendition of this song, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NN3eBvZvUXk) with rather lousy cardboard props and the kind of costumes one would find in the bargain bin on November 1st.

As soon as the song ends, the curtains close, and aside from the ArchDean enthusiastically clapping, only one cheering voice can be heard.

She turns to FS, visibly saddened. We don't have much money for arts funding, I'm afraid. It would be a shame if we had to close down SPCA.

[ThePhantom]

"Give this place a better name, and you have a donation."

[Vespe Ratavo]

Done! What sort of name would you prefer? We could always make it the...um...the Your Name Here School of Performing Arts.

[ThePhantom]

"You mean the FS school of Perfoming Arts? Hmmm.:smallconfused: Sure.:smallamused:"

[Vespe Ratavo]

Right away. The ArchDean takes out a sheet of paper, scribbles down something on it, and poofs it away. All instances of School of Performing and Creative Arts suddenly change to The FS School of Performing Arts. Now, about that donation...would that be made in coins, or check, or... She twirls her hands in that "well?" motion.

[ThePhantom]

"Coins. And when its arrives, welll... you propably move." 50 trillion gold coins appears above the ArchDean's head.

[Vespe Ratavo]

The ArchDean teleports herself on top of the pile. At first, it looks like she's about to burst with joy, but suddenly turns very stern and serious, inspecting a few of the coins to make sure they're real.

[ThePhantom]

The coins are real. "Now if you excuse me. I have to go." FS leaves.

[D_Lord]

A shadow of robed figure walks out of the darkness.
Is this the campus of IU? And are you the ArchDean? If yes I would like a few words with you?

[Vespe Ratavo]

The ArchDean looks like she's about to die of pure, unbridled happiness, when she suddenly sees the robed figure. It's IOU, that I am, and yes you may. The mound vanishes, unceremoniously dropping the ArchDean to the floor. She picks herself up and dusts herself off. Now, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?

[D_Lord]

Oh goody. What I want is a job teaching. I'm am willing to work for free, Just have 5 meals a day and maybe once in a while some time off. You don't get has old as I'm with out learning some tricks and I'm willing to past some on. This is more for fun for me, I tried taking over the town, and then tried ruling the gray, so why not give teaching a try. It be fun, and I haven't done it in, well that was in a time loop so I'm not sure how long ago that was but a very long time. So can I?

{deadtime sorry}

[Vespe Ratavo]

Sure. What were you thinking of teaching? Your vague description of "tricks" makes you sound like a COUP professor, but your robe strikes me as Metaphysics material. Then again, with the time loop thing, you could be C.T.H.U.L.H.U. I mean, a teacher in that school.

((Deadtime for me as well))

[Ashen Lilies]

A teenager, wearing typical teenager attire (and a mask), walks on campus. He's also wearing a dark-red mask, quarter-style (like Robin or Bucky), instead of the one-half-style so brilliantly modeled by my current avatar. The mask also has Spiderman style eye-lenses, of the type which mold to the wearer's every facial expression, and yet still remain glassy and reflective. Anyway, enough about the mask. What's important is this completely unknown teenager (wearing a mask), who could be anyone, (including Cthulu wearing a mask), just walked on campus. What'cha gonna do?

The teenager, who may or may not be Cthulu in disguise by wearing a mask (or even Batman wearing a more different mask) deadtimes. Fraking timezones. :smallannoyed:

[D_Lord]

Mmmmmm, I think of the two, College of Temporal Happenstance, Ultimate Lies, and Historical Undertakings sound lot like my things, but if I have to I can sub in College of Metaphysics, or College of Obscure and Unhealthy Professions. I did go to a law school or two, mostly so I can write up contracates. I did say that right, no I don't think so, can't remember what the word is this is language all the way.

[Vespe Ratavo]

*snip* What's important is this completely unknown teenager (wearing a mask), who could be anyone, (including Cthulu wearing a mask), just walked on campus. What'cha gonna do? *snip*
Preferably, try to register him as a student.

All right then. If I were you, I'd go talk to the dean of C.T.H.U.L.H.U. He's usually in this blue box, I believe it's on the Pent at the moment. Just go east from here, can't miss it.

The Pent is a five sided expanse of stone at the center of campus, with a strange, weathered statue in the middle of it. There also is, indeed, a blue box there, although more specifically it appears to be a portable toilet (http://brentwood.thefuntimesguide.com/images/blogs/Thank%20goodness%20for%20the%20new%20porta-potty!.jpg) with a blue light on top, which is off at the moment.

[Quinsar]

VInce is in the auditorium right now.
Smoking.
And draining a flask.

[Vespe Ratavo]

The ArchDean vanishes to go do ArchDean-ish things.

There's no one else in the auditorium. The performers have better things to do than hang out and listen to the sound of nothingness, and presumably the lone cheering voice had an appointment.

[Quinsar]

Vince starts doing his homework.

[Ashen Lilies]

The figure who may or may not be Cthulu (in a mask), and now has a section in my sig-link, wanders randomly around the campus in a random manner, looking for an authority figure of some authority.

[Vespe Ratavo]

There are plenty of authority figures to be found. The question, of course, is whether or not this young man can tell who is supposed to be an authority figure, seeing as how it can be rather hard to tell faculty from students at times.

What, exactly, is he looking for?

[Ashen Lilies]

The Arch-dean. Duh. :smalltongue:

[Vespe Ratavo]

The ArchDean appears before him, grumbling under her breath that this is the reason why she has underlings, before abruptly turning happy and cheerful. Hello, I'm the ArchDean, how may I help you today?

[Ashen Lilies]

I'm here to be a student.

[Vespe Ratavo]

Ah, excellent. Well, we'll need your references and your test results and blah blah blah do you have the money?

((Deadtime, sorry >.<))

[Ashen Lilies]

Yes, yes and yes.
He pulls out three references, a test certificate and a massive suitcase out of his jacket. The suitcase, is, as per specifications, filled with small, unmarked bills.
Ug. Pain to lug that around. A suitcase of small unmarked bills? What are you, weapons dealers?

[Vespe Ratavo]

The ArchDean glosses over the references and certificate, checking to make sure they're legitimate, with the bored eyes of someone who has "I'm getting paid for this" as a mantra. She then greedily clutches the suitcase close to her chest, then puts it in one hand and puts on a very businesswoman like face. No, it's just the processing fee. These things don't process themselves. There's mounds of paperwork. Do you want to process your own paperwork?

[Ashen Lilies]

No, it just seems weird. What's wrong with a simple wire transfer?

[Vespe Ratavo]

Lots of things. Cash is much better. Much safer. And you can't use a wire transfer to refill your pool, can you? Before he can reply to this, the ArchDean vanishes. The letter featured in the first post appears in his hand.

[Quinsar]

Oh noes!
Someone is being wangsty!
An NPC.

[Vespe Ratavo]

All of a sudden, a cow with a jetpack strapped to its back flies around the world - once, twice, three times, attaining supersonic speeds, and then slams into the NPC, hurling him into space faster than the speed of light...

He violently returns to Earth, his feeble body utterly destroyed on impact with the ocean, causing huge tidal waves to ravage the world.

Luckily, this is happening several thousand years in the future, so we won't have to worry about it for quite a while.

The cow slows down, and returns to contentedly munching on grass in the middle of the Avant Gardens.

[Quinsar]

That's awesome...
...
*Huggles*

[Vespe Ratavo]

*huggles back*
Now you know! Our policy of No Serious Business is Serious Business! :smalltongue: