Don't Vote Up a Monster: Where Your Votes Don't Matter (MONSTER COMPLETE!)

[Kellus]

Don't Vote Up a Monster

These days it's pretty easy to get delusions of grandeur and feelings of empowerment. You might think you're "making a difference" with your votes in the many, many (MANY) vote up a thingy threads. Well, I'm here to cure those problems. Welcome to Don't Vote Up a Monster, where your votes count for absolutely NOTHING.

The completely dumb monsters that you morons had no hand in can be found here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=96622&page=6#post5353092). Suck on that!

Type Loser – OUTSIDER


{table=head]Type|Votes
Aberration|-5
Animal|0
Construct|-2
Dragon|-5
Elemental|-2
Fey|-2
Giant|-3
Humanoid|-2
Magical Beast|-2
Monstrous Humanoid|0
Ooze|-4
Outsider|-5
Plant|-1
Undead|-3
Vermin|-2
[/table]

Subtype Losers – FIRE, NATIVE, SHAPECHANGER


{table=head]
Subtype|Votes
Air|1
Angel|1
Aquatic|2
Archon|2
Augmented|0
Chaotic|-1
Cold|2
Earth|1
Evil|1
Extraplanar|1
Fire|-3
Goblinoid|2
Good|0
Incorporeal|1
Large?|1
Lawful|1
Native|-3
Reptilian|2
Shapechanger|-4
Water|1
NONE|2[/table]

Alignment Loser – CHAOTIC EVIL FUNKY


{table=head]
Alignment Aspect|Votes
Lawful|0
Neutral (L-C)|-2
Chaotic|-7
Good|-2
Neutral (G-E)|-3
Evil|-4
Funky|-13
Neutral (F-S)|1
Square|0
Large?|1
Triangle!|1
Decidedly Triple Negative N-Orly Useless|1[/table]

Size Loser – COLOSSAL ++


{table=head]
Size|Votes
Fine|-1
Diminutive|1
Tiny|1
Small|-1
Medium|-2
Large|-1
Huge|0
Gargantuan|1
Colossal|1
Colossal+|1
Colossal++|-8
Lawful Evil!|1
SIZE OF THE UNIVERSE|-1[/table]

Challenge Rating Loser – CR 1-5


{table=head]CR Bracket|Votes
1-5|-17
6-10|2
11-15|1
16-20|1
21-25|1
26-30|-1
31+|-5[/table]

Ability Losers – ANTIMAGIC, CRIPPLING DISABILITIES, DISEASE, MANUFACTURED WEAPONS, AND TELEPATHY


{table=head]Special Ability|Votes
Ability Damage|2
Ability Drain|1
Alternate Form|0
Antimagic|-2
Blindsight/Blindsense|2
Breath Weapon|1
Change Shape|2
Charm/Compulsion|1
Cold Immunity|0
Constrict|2
Crippling Disabilities|-6
Damage Reduction|2
Darkvision|2
Death Attacks|1
Disease|-2
Energy Drain/Negative Levels|2
Etherealness|2
Evasion/Improved Evasion|2
Fast Healing|2
Fear Aura (Su)|2
Fear Cones (Sp)/Rays (Su)|2
Frightful Presence (Ex)|2
Fire Immunity|2
Frogs|2
Gaseous Form|2
Gaze Attacks|2
Improved Grab|2
Incorporeality|1
Invisibility|2
Level Loss|2
Low-Light Vision|1
Manufactured Weapons|-6
Movement Modes (Burrow/Climb/Fly/Swim)|0
Natural Weapons (Bite/Claw/Gore/etc)|0
Nonabilities|0
Paralysis|2
Poison|2
Polymorph|1
Pounce|2
Powerful Charge|2
Psionics|0
Rake|1
Rays|2
Regeneration|2
Resistance To Energy|2
Scent|2
Sonic Attacks|2
Spell Immunity|2
Spell Resistance|2
Spells/SLAs|2
Summon|2
Swallow Whole|2
Telepathy|-2
Trample|-1
Tremorsense|2
Turn Resistance|1
Vulnerability to Energy|1[/table]

[Athaniar]

I don't vote for Dragon.

[Owrtho]

Well then, I'll vote for everything except Aberration.

Owrtho

[Kellus]

Votes have been recorded.

[Sereg]

I won't vote for outsider.

[Krimm_Blackleaf]

I won't vote for outsider.

Me neither. Sounds so lame.

[vegetalss4]

and i won't vote for Ooze

[Lord Mancow]

I won't vote for Dragon.

[afroakuma]

*gigantic facepalm*

I think I see how this works.

Lord help us all.

[streakster]

Definitely not voting for undead.

[Zeta Kai]

I'm not voting on this thread at all. Especially not to for a Dragon. I won't do it. Just forget it, you can't make me.

Whew, I was worried for a second that this was like the 13th thread spawned from my original VUAM. :smallwink:

[UnChosenOne]

I don't even think to vote a dragon. Those lame winged creatures, will never get my vote.

[Taimino]

I will definitely not vote for an outsider

[TheCheshireHat]

I am most emphatically NOT voting for a dragon

[Pronounceable]

Well, I AM voting for a dragon. Just to spite you all. Then I'm voting for dragon again.

And hats off to Kellus for the great understanding of applied democracy.

[insecure]

I would certainly not vote for an aberation.

[AgentPaper]

I'm going to have to not vote for everything but dragon. Since I haven't voted yet, I'll vote for dragon. Also, I hate Fey, if you don't take that into account.

[Kellus]

Votes and nonvotes have been tallied. I'll give another 12 hours or so for people to finish not voting.

[littlechicory]

I'll just sit here and procrastinate for a while, if that's all right with the rest of you.

[Thane of Fife]

All those negative numbers make me sad, so I am going to vote for Monstrous Humanoid.

[Lappy9000]

I hate Dragons. I refuse to vote for Dragon.

[Fax Celestis]

*doesn't vote for everything except Animal.*

[Pronounceable]

Animal and monstrous humanoid are 0 atm. Not liking that, so I'll vote for both. I may have voted before, but that's certainly no reason to not count these votes as well.

[SurlySeraph]

Who the hell would vote for an Aberration? Not me, that's for sure.

[Fako]

I refuse to vote for Dragon... besides, who would want yet another scaly treasure hoarder? Definitely not a good idea in my opinion...

[Ivius]

I won't avoid not voting for the lack of nothing besides non-plants.

[Zocelot]

I think that I won't vote for a Giant

[rayne_dragon]

I'm totally not voting for Ooze. They suck. Sometimes literally.

[Enlong]

I'm not voting.

And I'm certainly not gonna... anti-vote, or whatever it is you're doing here.

[Kellus]

Tough luck to all those who didn't not vote! The time for not voting on the creature's type has passed! It turns out that you can't even make up your minds what type you people like least, with Aberration, Dragon, and Outsider all coming in at a net 5 non-votes. If this were one of your "democratic" threads you might expect a sudden death match or something. BUT THIS IS NOT THAT.

You aren't here to tell me what monster this is going to be. I'm here to tell YOU what the monster will be. It's MY monster. You don't like it, tough. And I'm telling you that this monster is going to be an Outsider, just because you wimps DON'T want it.

The next aspect that you will have absolutely no say in is going to be subtype. Please don't not vote for more than two of them. Also, since it's an Outsider, I've decided it'll have an alignment component to its subtype, whether you little rats want it to have one or not. Just something to take into consideration when you're deciding what not to vote on.

[streakster]

There is no way that I will vote for an Evil Shapechanger

[Owrtho]

Well, I'll vote for everything except Augmented.

Owrtho

[Nerd-o-rama]

I award this thread no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Also, I definitely won't vote for Native. How boring is that?

[Sereg]

I'll vote for neither Chaotic nor Earth.

[starwoof]

Man my vote don't count for squat so I'm not voting for everything, except I'm especially not voting for water.

[UnChosenOne]

I will vote anything other that Shapechanger and Good.

[Krimm_Blackleaf]

I would never vote for Chaotic or Fire. F:smallfurious:k them.

[Enlong]

No votes from me.
And no un-votes, neither.

[Pronounceable]

I vote Large.

[Drakefall]

An outsider of large! Everything it does is big! *gasp*:smalltongue:

Moving on I wouldn't like to vote for Air thank you very much.

[Athaniar]

I vote Large.
Don't you realize you aren't supposed to un-vote?

I won't vote for Fire, and I won't wote for Shapechanger either. I don't like these two subtypes, and I don't think they fit well together, nor do I think they fit an outsider. In fact, I refuse to vote at all. I'm not going to vote in this thread ever!

[Zocelot]

I'm going to not vote for Lawful or for Fire

[Zeta Kai]

Well, Kellus, I have to say that I think this thread sucks, it's without a shred of originality or wit, it doesn't put an interesting twist on an original idea, & you are stupid for having made it. This is lamer that your idiotic, badly-crafted Truenamer rewrite (whatever happened to that? I hated it).

Since I think this is so pathetic & stupid, I won't vote for the Angel, Extraplanar, & Good subtypes. They really blow chunks.
For the record, this is an opposite thread, so in case anyone reports me, I mean the exact opposite of everything I said.

[tanonx]

I'm not voting for Native at all. Which I suppose means it's time to record a vote for every other type, to properly represent my non-vote.

[Lappy9000]

Non-native outsiders are far superior than Native ones! I would never unvote for the Native subtype.

[Risek]

Why in hell's name would I ever vote for Fire and Shapechanger? I'd have to be an idiot.

[littlechicory]

Hmm. I don't think I'll vote for Native or Shapechanger. Being Native kind of defeats the point of being an Outsider to begin with, and Shapechangers are broken. So completely broken.

[Pronounceable]

People, people! Don't you realize Bizarro is the single most stupidest idea for a supervillain that's ever been made up by some wacko writers smoking god knows what? Don't imitate it, it'll kill your gray cells.

[thegurullamen]

I will never vote for Augmented or Fire.

[Frog Dragon]

I'm definitely not voting for incorporeal. Stupid nothings.

[Flame of Anor]

What kind of idiot wouldn't not vote against not having it be chaotic and shapechanging? It certainly isn't not me! :smallbiggrin:

[Debihuman]

Well drat. I missed the first non-vote too. Okay this time I'm not voting for Native.

Debby

[Kellus]

Right, so because you useless fools can't even figure out what you don't like, this monster's going to have at least three subtypes right now: Fire, Native, and Shapechanger were all pretty unpopular, so that's what I'll be forcing on you. It's also probably going to have alignment subtypes too, so I'll figure that out once I find out what alignment would piss you morons off the most.

The next aspect you idiots are not going to vote on will be the alignment. Now listen up, 'cause this nonvoting will work differently than the votes you've done before. Instead of voting for actual alignments, you're going to vote on alignment aspects. That is, you'll not vote for "Lawful" instead of "Lawful Evil", or "Square" instead of "Neutral Good Square". Got it? Good. Please don't not vote for more than three alignment aspects, preferably one from each axis.

[Zeta Kai]

I hate this thread, the OP is an uncreative idiot, & these options are stupid. Especially Funky Good. :smallbiggrin:

[Lappy9000]

I absolutely cannot stand the axis of Funk. It's a terrible idea. Do not put me down for True Neutral Funky.

[puppyavenger]

I will absolutely never vote for anything resembling as terrible an idea as this. I especially hate chaotic, Funky, and evil

[Owrtho]

I cant help but vote for everything but those lame chaotic, funk, and evil aspects.

Owrtho

[streakster]

Funky? Why would I vote for that? And Chaotic and Evil are just stupid.

[Obscurejones]

Try as I might I just can't vote for anything that's Chaotic, Evil, and Funky. If such a monster as that was created I simply would not like it. I do not like evil, chaotic, funky creatures. I do not like them Sam I am.:smallconfused:

[paddyfool]

I absolutely cannot stand the axis of Funk. It's a terrible idea. Do not put me down for True Neutral Funky.

Seconded for truth. True Neutral Funky FTL!

[Kellus]

If you were a true funk enthusiast, you'd know not to vote for neutral neutral funky. TRUE NEUTRAL implies neutrality on all three axes. But I digress. Your nonvotes have been recorded.

[Zeta Kai]

But I though that our non-votes don't not matter... :smallconfused:

[Enlong]

Once again, I won't vote or cast any antivotes.

[Kellus]

But I though that our non-votes don't not matter... :smallconfused:

They don't, but I hate to see people using the wrong terminology regardless of relevance. "True neutral funky" doesn't make any sense regardless of context. I was merely correcting him, not telling him that he makes any difference to the outcome. None of you scum do. The monster's going to be what I SAY it's going to be.

[Drakefall]

Chaotic, neutral, funky is so boringly redundant and depresive that I actively hate it and believe it to resemble stinky poop with the exception of being less aesthetically appealing. I would never vote for such inanity.

[Zocelot]

I'm going to not vote for Lawful or for Fire

I'm staying with this. I'm certainly not changing my unvote from Lawful and Fire to not Chaotic, Good, or Funky.

[Pronounceable]

I think I'll vote for Large again. For ghits.

[Sereg]

I would never use the axis of funk. I am certainainly not going to vote for Chaotic good funky. What kind of stupid alignment is that?

[Knaight]

There ain't now way in 'eck I'm votin fo Square. What kind of stupid ali'nmen' is that. I mean waht the f'.

[Mewtarthio]

Good and Evil are both pretty awesome. Creatures that don't care about either one are ridiculously boring. I don't care which one wins, just please don't make the monster Neutral on that axis. Also, Law and Chaos are too well-defined and important to be ignored, and I'm going to scream if the monster comes out Neutral there, as well.

And what's with this new funk axis? It looks like crazy talk. I'm voting for square, since that makes the most sense, or maybe just neutral (a sort of protest vote). Sweet Pelor, I hope this thing doesn't turn out to be Funky.

[Pronounceable]

And now I'm gonna vote for triangle. This time for siggles.

[FMArthur]

I simply can't vote for Square, so I've got to vote for Funky.

[UnChosenOne]

I won't vote Funky.

[TheCheshireHat]

Heavens forbid this thing turning out good and funky because I didn´t vote for such things...

[starwoof]

I hate dinosaurs so I can't vote for funky.

[xanaphia]

I vote for nothing except not Lawful Good Funky.

[Shadow_Elf]

On the primary axis, I don't not anti-vote for the irrelevance of Good

On the second axis, I refuse to vote for anything but not Chaotic

On the tertiary axis, I'm going to vote for Square

On the fourth axis, I vote for Decidedly Triple Negative N-Orly Useless

[Pronounceable]

This time, I'm not gonna vote at all.

[Kellus]

Despite some late entries, including Large, Triangle, and Decidedly Triple Negative N-Orly Useless, the most unpopular alignment aspects were definitely Chaotic, Evil, and especially Funky. Apparently almost everybody here HATES funky things, so I can't wait to inflict a groovin' hellbeast or something on you. :smallyuk:

Note that since the monster's an Outsider, he's probably going to be gaining the Chaotic, Evil, and Funky subtypes in addition to the Fire, Native, and Shapechanger subtypes already decided. This is going to be a very busy monster.

The next nonvote will be for size. Don't vote if you want. Not that it'll make any difference.

[Zeta Kai]

Large sucks, you suck, & the whole damn system sucks. Deal with it.

[Drakefall]

Small would just be completely dumb and not fit the monster at all.

[Owrtho]

I'll have to vote for everything except Colossal++. Thats just much too big.

Owrtho

[paddyfool]

Medium sucks hardest. It's just so ... bland. Monsters should always be bigger than the heroes, unless, of course, they're smaller.

[puppyavenger]

I'll have to vote for everything except Colossal++. Thats just much too big.

Owrtho

agreed, I would absolutely hate an despise anything near Colossal++.

[UnChosenOne]

Medium. That size is so ******* overused.

[TheCheshireHat]

We certainly don´t want a Colossal++ Funky Caotic Evil Shapechanging Outsider who is on fire. Most certainly not. Because a being of such radical uncoolness would obviously be incapable of making the universe explode by sheer awesome :smallbiggrin:

[Obscurejones]

I for one loathe small things.

[streakster]

Colossal ++ is far too large. I don't vote for it.

[Ascension]

I can't believe anyone would even think of something as loathsome and large as Colossal ++!

[Fako]

Colossal++ already has five votes...it doesn't need any more...

[littlechicory]

Seconded for truth. True Neutral Funky FTL!

Thirded for epic truth. How could you possibly be Funky without any other extremes (ie. Funky True Neutral)? That's just silly.

[Pronounceable]

The time has come for me to vote lawful evil.

[paddyfool]

Not that anyone cares about the votes, but right now, we're busy not caring about votes about the size of the monster, rather than not caring about votes about alignment (which has already been non-voted for as Chaotic evil funky). :smallwink:

[Pronounceable]

Not that anyone cares about the votes, but right now, we're busy not caring about votes about the size of the monster, rather than not caring about votes about alignment (which has already been non-voted for as Chaotic evil funky). :smallwink:

Exactly. ______

[Zocelot]

Large is too small to be epic, but too large to be cute. As such, I will not be voting for it at all.

[starwoof]

Things that are colossal++ are stupid and I hate them, I'm never going to vote for that.

[Knaight]

I vote for Colassal++ because I just can't vote for Medium. I just can't. At all.

[Lord_Ventnor]

Why should I even bother? I mean, its not like monsters the size of universes will be loved anyways...

[FMArthur]

You couldn't force me to vote for Huge even with a Dominate Person spell or its assorted cousins of similarly dubious morality.

[Flame of Anor]

Oh, what the heck, I won't jump on the badwagon* and vote Colossal++.

Also, for heaven's sake, Chaotic Evil Funky? Picard said it best:
http://i299.photobucket.com/albums/mm303/Lord_Chamberlains_Men/picard2.jpg


*I didn't not mean to do that.

[Sereg]

I'm listening to the others and most have a good point, Collosal++ is a ridiculous size that I would never vote for.

[vegetalss4]

year another one ageinst Colossal++

[Fax Celestis]

Man, forget Fine.

[AgentPaper]

You know what I really hate? Sand. It gets into your swimsuit, and all sorts of hard-to-reach areas that just pisses me off. Not to mention trying to get it out of your hair. I'm so repulsed by the thought of a monster based off of fine sand particles that I am going to find your house, and moider you.

[Kellus]

Seems like a lot of you losers thing Colossal ++ would be a really bad idea. To hell with that, I say! The bigger the better! !f you don't like it, feel free to slap yourself upside the head for thinking your opinion matters here!

The next aspect you brainsless sacks of phlegm will be having absolutely no impact on is the challenge rating. Challenge rating will be decided by bracket, so don't not vote for a single CR or I'll slap you with a tuna. Brackets can be found on the first page.

[Fax Celestis]

Pshaw. Who wants a PC Playable Race? The first bracket (CR 1-5) is the worst. Definitely not voting for that one.

[Owrtho]

A monster of CR 31+ would be horrable. I mean, who'd ever be powerful enough to fight it. Its would be pointless to make. Thus I'll vote for everything but that.

Owrtho

[Townopolis]

High level monsters in general aren't useful, we have too many of them. Negative on 26-30

[starwoof]

I can't stand the idea of a monster that big being only CR 1-5. I'm not voting for that, never.

[Lappy9000]

A Colossal Outsider within the 1-5 Challenge Raging range? Terrible idea. Everyone does completely unoriginal ideas like that all the time.

Man, I wish my vote counted....

[puppyavenger]

A Colossal Outsider within the 1-5 Challenge Raging range? Terrible idea. Everyone does completely unoriginal ideas like that all the time.

Man, I wish my vote counted....

I agree, something bigger then godzilla that dies from a few sword slashes? CR 1-5 would be pathetic.

[streakster]

CR 1-5? Seriously? How stupid would you have to be to vote for that!?

[FMArthur]

What kind of idiot would vote for 1-5? Do you have any conception of how much weird **** you'd need to introduce to force a Colossal++ monster to lose to level 1s? That most certainly would not be the most Awesome thing in all of D&D.

[Mewtarthio]

Seriously, guys, you're not making any sense. A Colossal++ Outsider is four times the size of the Tarrasque! Making it CR 1-5 makes no sense whatsoever.

[Lappy9000]

Seriously, guys, you're not making any sense. A Colossal++ Outsider is four times the size of the Tarrasque! Making it CR 1-5 makes no sense whatsoever.

Kellus would hate us for that. Good thing we're not voting for it.

[Zeta Kai]

CR31+ would suck, & would be a pain in the ass to create. I sure hope Kellus doesn't have to make one of those.

[Zocelot]

I love low power games, so I'd like something thats 1-5. I wouldn't be able to bear it if the monster was CR31+.

[Ascension]

I agree, it would be absolutely insane to give a Colossal ++ monster a CR in the 1-5 range.

That's why I'm voting for 26-30 instead.

[Obscurejones]

Twere a dunce who even contrived to conceive of a 1-5 CR Creature. I do spit upon his grave and vote firmly against his creation. A High CR creature would be lovely though.

[Sereg]

I agree. It would be really stupid to make a collosal++ monster with a challenge rating of 1-5.

[UnChosenOne]

I wii not vote the 1-5 cr. Monster with that cr would just suck.

[DracoDei]

You are a pathetic copycat to immitate my instanciation of the Funky/Square axis of alignment, which I TOTALLY invented... I am far from flattered.

And since a C++ (which must be related somehow to the the programming lanugauge... on second thought, maybe not, because that would be too silly to use) with a CR of 5 or less is totally rediculous I certainly must non-vote in that range.

[Drakefall]

CR1-5 would indeed just suck utter suckiness itself.

[paddyfool]

I certainly won't vote for 31+. Epic monsters are just so... meh.

[vegetalss4]

i do really agree. a cr 1-5 colossal++ monster is just redicolus

[TheCheshireHat]

A CR 1-5 Collosal++ monster is a stupid, stupid idea

[Shadow_Elf]

I dont not vote for the reciprocal of the square of the average of the number of options given for this vote minus five to the power of three factorial

Or CR 1-5. That would just be stupid.

And I certainly wouldnt want to see a CR 31+ monster. I would be utterly useless.

Since my votes dont matter, I shall throw in a positive vote for CR 6-10 as well.

[Pronounceable]

But, but if you insist on always implementing the ideas we hate most, then the votes DO matter...


That said, neither 1-5 nor 31+ is in any way remotely logical. So I'm voting for all others.

[paddyfool]

Ah, we're such wonderful people. The fact that everyone is voting against the extreme ends of the spectrum shows that they are obviously more happy with the more reasonable options in between, and thus clearly not evil. This has restored my faith in humankind. (Takes a deep satisfied breath). :smallcool:

[Athaniar]

After voting on all the latest aspects, I will now not vote for 31+, because that is just boring, and I would really like a boring, un-ridiculous thing to be the result of this non-voting thread, don't thank you. And I hate epic, powerful monsters.

This thread is bad and not ridiculous. I don't like ridiculous things, as I haven't mentioned yet.

[Flame of Anor]

31+ is dumb.

[Zeta Kai]

Well, CR1-5 doesn't need me to hate it, but I hate it anyway. That's how much it sucks.

[Kellus]

By OVERWHELMING majority, nobody here wants to see a pathetic weakling of a monster. And if that's how you feel, a CR 1-5 Colossal++ monster it shall be! Hell, I might even make it a PC race! How do you like it NOW?

The next aspect you brainless gits will not be voting on will be the special abilities of the monster. Don't vote for as many as you want.

[Pronounceable]

A collosal+ PC race? You gotta be kidding. I'd vote against such absurdity in an instant.

As for special abilities, who'd want a critter with no abilities? That's just dumb.

[Owrtho]

Antimagic is so stupid with how it negates the awsomeness that is magic, I'll vote for every ability except it.

Owrtho

[starwoof]

Something that large with manufactured weapons? That is unrealistic and stupid, and I'm not going to vote for it.

[Zocelot]

I'm certainly not going to vote for Ability Drain. Having underpowered PCs is incredibly lame.

[T-O-E]

I am definitely not voting for low-light vision.

[Sereg]

I am absolutely not going to vote for alternate form, breath weapon, manufactured weapons or vulnerability to energy.

[UnChosenOne]

I will never ever vote extremy lame thing's like Death Attacks and Psionics.

[Lappy9000]

While I dislike Antimagic, Movement Modes, Rake, and Telepathy, the thing I most definitely do not want is this thing to have Disease. Why on earth would a 1-5 Colossal++ Outsider have disease, I ask you?? It would be a horrible idea, and I just want to make sure it doesn't get voted on.

[Mewtarthio]

I agree with Lappy. Disease is just a very bad idea. It's four times the size of the tarrasque, and it carries the plague? That'd be an interesting concept, but not for such a stupid weakling.

Also, who'd want Telepathy? The guy's big enough to make himself heard without resorting to such cheap tactics.

Lastly, Charm/Compulsion would just be pointless. Giant monsters should smash things; they shouldn't mind control things!

[Knaight]

Why would anyone vote for manufactured weapons, telepathy, incorporeal, or psionics? I wouldn't.

[Zeta Kai]

A Colossal++ CR1-5 monster? Possibly as a PC race? This thing is really, really dumb. It'd be even worse if it had Natural Weapons & Trample. God, I hate this thing.

[Moff Chumley]

This thread loses epically. And it had better not have Trample. :smallmad:

[streakster]

Well, we can't have Cold Immunity. That just makes no sense. Antimagic and Disease are also dumb. Also, please don't give it Nonabilities and Turn Resistance

[vegetalss4]

A Colossal++ CR1-5 monster? Possibly as a PC race? This thing is really, really dumb. It'd be even worse if it had Natural Weapons & Trample. God, I hate this thing.

i agree that would be so stupid

[Athaniar]

You know what's stupid? Telepathy, Manufactured Weapons, Antimagic, and Alternate Form. Worst idea ever, and it's NOT going to get my vote, that's for sure.

On a side note, this thread is anything but hilarious and it's not fun to post in it. You who made this has no imagination whatsoever. I will never post in this thread again.

[UnChosenOne]

A Colossal++ CR1-5 monster? Possibly as a PC race? This thing is really, really dumb. It'd be even worse if it had Natural Weapons & Trample. God, I hate this thing.

And soon it will be in the some offical book (in 4e) as PC-race and soon after that everyone want's to play as it.

[Lord Loss]

I refuse to not vote for Frogs, so i won't vote for Cold Immunity

[FMArthur]

I will not vote for crippling disabilities. I can't stand monsters that make some attempt at balance.

[Ascension]

Since this couldn't possibly be a balanced PC race, I certainly won't vote for it to use Manufactured Weapons or for it to have Crippling Disabilities to balance out its hugeness. Instead I will vote for everything else.

[Mewtarthio]

Crippling disabilities is an option? Why is something so stupid even on the table? :smallmad:

[FMArthur]

Crippling disabilities is an option? Why is something so stupid even on the table? :smallmad:

*snicker* :smallbiggrin:

[Obscurejones]

Almost no PC races have Burrow Speed so why would this? I vote against it.

[paddyfool]

I will not vote for disease, polymorph, and certainly not for crippling disabilities. Such a thing just shouldn't be on the table!

[vegetalss4]

Since this couldn't possibly be a balanced PC race, I certainly won't vote for it to use Manufactured Weapons or for it to have Crippling Disabilities to balance out its hugeness. Instead I will vote for everything else.

actuly that is even more stupid than tramble i would like to vote ageints it, and cast a vote for everything else

[Kellus]

And that's it! You snotfaced punks don't seem to like antimagic, crippling disabilities, disease, manufactured weapons, or telepathy very much, so just to knock you down a peg this monster's going to have ALL of those!

This completely dumb monster that you forumgoers had absolutely no hand in creating will be up in a few days. Maybe.

[Lappy9000]

And that's it! You snotfaced punks don't seem to like antimagic, crippling disabilities, disease, manufactured weapons, or telepathy very much, so just to knock you down a peg this monster's going to have ALL of those!

This completely dumb monster that you forumgoers had absolutely no hand in creating will be up in a few days. Maybe.

Aw, man. I am so unenthuiastic about this monster. It's a good thing I won't have to look at this no-doubt horrid abomination for a few days.

[Owrtho]

This seems to have such awful traits, I wish to see it only to mock it as an example of why the traits are bad.

Owrtho

[Closet_Skeleton]

I refuse to vote for trample, psionics, disease, create spawn or crippling disabilties.

But I have a special desire to banish Rend from anywhere near this monster.

[Kellus]

The Zeppelos
http://www.wizards.com/dnd/images/fc1_gallery/98436.jpg

A zeppelos in agony during her demonbeast transformation.

A zeppelos is the result of an unfortunate magical experiment. Many is the wizard who wished to harness the powers of hell, and the zeppelos is an example of just one such attempt. Through a vile ritual, demonic energies can be invested in an unwilling being. After the ritual is complete, the being’s former life is forgotten, as he becomes a slave to the fiendish power growing inside of him. Although most zeppeloses are thralls to the magicians that created them, some with exceptional willpower are able to break their bonds and take charge of their own destiny.

Player zeppeloses are either beings whose masters have been killed or destroyed, or who are on their adventure on the orders of their master.

Zeppeloses are extraordinarily dangerous simply because of their unpredictability. Although they can normally harness their demonic power in small, controlled bursts, under extreme circumstances a zeppelos can lose control and release an unimaginable being of terror from inside themselves.

Due to their unusual origin, zeppeloses are themselves made of the same starstuff that makes up angels and demons. Although human-seeming on the outside, under the skin of a zeppelos there writhes inhuman agony and fiendish power.

Statistics

Zeppelos
Medium Outsider (Native, Shapechanger)
HD: 1d8+3 (11 hp)
Speed: 30ft. (6 squares)
Init:: +0
AC: 14; touch 10; flat-footed 14 (+4 armour)
BAB: +1; Grp: +1
Attack: Longsword +1 (1d8 + demonbeast energy)
Full-Attack: Longsword +1 (1d8 + demonbeast energy)
Space: 5ft.; Reach: 5ft. + demonbeast energy
Special Attacks: Demonbeast form, demonbeast energy
Special Qualities: Creator communion, crippling disabilities, demon of the dance, wasting of the abyss
Saves: Fort +3 Ref +2 Will +1
Abilities: Str 11, Dex 10, Con 13, Int 11, Wis 8, Cha 10
Skills: Bluff +4, Concentration +5, Knowledge (arcana) +4, Knowledge (the Planes) +4, Perform (dance) +8, Profession (gardener) +3, Use Magical Device +4, Use Rope +4.
Feats: Toughness
Environment: The Prime Material
Organization: Solitary or legion (50-200)
Challenge Rating: 1
Treasure: Longsword and chain shirt
Alignment: Any, sometimes chaotic evil funky
Advancement: by Class; Favored Class: Barbarian
Level Adjustment: +0

Combat

In combat, a zeppelos is a potent adversary. Although he fights much like any other adventurer of his chosen class, he can augment his powers with demonic energy, making him a frightening foe.

Creator Communion (Su): A zeppelos is in constant telepathic contact with the spellcaster that infused it with demonic power. This telepathy works regardless of distance between the two, even if one is on another plane. In addition, the zeppelos is always under a dominate monster effect with regards to its creator.

Crippling Disabilities (Su): A zeppelos has severe spasms that occasionally rack his body because of the planar energy stored in his body. Whenever he attempts a Strength or Dexterity check, he rolls twice and selects the worse result. This penalty disappears while the zeppelos is in his demonbeast form.

Demonbeast Form(Su): A zeppelos can unleash his demonic energies in one of two ways. One is as a controlled, steady expenditure, the way he was designed to. The other way is as an apocalyptic bomb once he completely loses control of himself (see Wasting of the Abyss, below).

If a zeppelos’ Wisdom score ever drops to 0 or less, he explodes in an inferno or demonic energy. Every being within 500ft. of him takes 1d6 hellfire damage per Hit Die of the zeppelos. They may attempt a Reflex save (DC 10 + 1/2 the zeppelos’ HD + the zeppelos’ Constitution modifier) for half damage.

After this inferno, the zeppelos’ scorched and withered body begins to swell as it unleashes its otherworldly energy. The zeppelos grows 1 size category per turn, every turn, until he reaches a size of Colossal++, or a mile or so in diameter. If there is any obstruction that would normally block his size growth, he automatically attempts to smash through it with an effective Strength of 100. If he still cannot break through, the zeppelos begins to suffocate as his body cannot be contained. He dies on the following turn if the obstruction is not removed. The zeppelos can take no additional actions during this growth phase, as he is wracked in pain.

If there is a living being in a square the zeppelos would expand through, he automatically bull rushes the creature, again with an effective Strength score of 100. A zeppelos cannot be harmed in any way during this growth.

While in his demonbeast form, a zeppelos gains bonuses based on his size. These are described in detail in the Monster Manual, but to sum it up: he gains a +24 size bonus to Grapple checks, a 50’ reach, a -16 size penalty to AC and attack rolls, a -2 size penalty to Dexterity, a +26 size bonus to Constitution, a +48 size bonus to Strength, a +27 size bonus to natural armour, a -24 size penalty to Hide checks, and increased damage if he posesses natural attacks. All equipment worn by the zeppelos that does not specifically indicate that it can change in size or shape based on the wielder (such as a wildling clasp) is permanently broken and becomes useless. This does not apply to artifacts, which are merely shunted to an adjacent square.

A zeppelos in demonbeast form is afire with groovy demonic power. He gains the Chaotic, Evil, Fire, and Funky subtypes. His attacks are considered to be Chaotic, Evil, and Funkily aligned for the purposes of overcoming damage reduction. In addition, all of his melee attacks deal an additional 1 point of hellfire damage per Hit Die.

Unforunately, a zeppelos also experiences some drawbacks in this form. His Intelligence is unable to take such a radical change, and drops to a value of 2; the Intelligence of an animal. He is unable to perform any kind of complex action, nor even able to communicate normally. He behaves essentially like an animal in this form, striking out at anything that displeases him with no consideration for who or what it is. If a Player Character, the DM should decide beforehand if the player is mature enough to play the animalistic zeppelos. If not, the DM may choose to take control of the character during this period, and return control only after the zeppelos has returned to his normal form. In addition, the zeppelos’ alignment during this period changes to Chaotic Evil Funky, and he acts in accordance with this alignment. That is, he enjoys causing pain, mayhem, and suffering. With style. Again, if the player cannot be trusted to play this alignment, the DM may choose to take control of the zeppelos. A zeppelos under a specific code of conduct is not penalized for actions taken in this state.

Once the zeppelos has reached a size of Colossal++, his Wisdom score is healed to its normal value. He remains in his demonbeast form for 1 round per point of Wisdom modifier, at which point he begins to shrink back to his normal size. The shrinking process progresses much as the growth phase did, with him shrinking one size category every round. A zeppelos cannot be damaged while in this phase. However, he may be unconscious or dead once he returns to his normal size category because of the extra hit points (from his Constitution increase) he posessed while in demonbeast form. These extra hit points are not lost first (like temporary hp).

After a zeppelos has entered this form, he may not enter it again for 1 week. If his Wisdom drops to 0 or below again during this period, the zeppelos dies. In addition, the zeppelos is considered to have spent all 3 of his demonbeast energy points for the day (see Demonbeast Energy, below).

Demonbeast Energy (Su): A zeppelos can unleash his demonic energies in one of two ways. One is as a controlled, steady expenditure, the way he was designed to. The other way is as an apocalyptic bomb once he completely loses control of himself (see Wasting of the Abyss, below).

Every day a zeppelos gains 3 demonbeast energy points. He may use these points to gain any one of the following effects:

• A zeppelos may spend one demonbeast energy point to deal an additional 1d6 hellfire damage on a single melee or ranged attack. If the attack misses, the point is not wasted.

• A zeppelos may spend one demonbeast energy point to gain an additional 5ft. of reach on a single melee attack.

• A zeppelos may spend one demonbeast energy point to gain a +4 size modifier on a single grapple check.

• A zeppelos may spend one demonbeast energy point to reroll his initiative for an encounter.

• A zeppelos may spend one demonbeast energy point to gain a +2 profane bonus on a single skill check.

• A zeppelos may spend one demonbeast energy point to power a smite attack against a good, lawful, or square being. This smite gains a profane bonus on attack and damage equal to the zeppelos’ Wisdom modifier. If the smite misses, the point is still spent.

• A zeppelos may spend two demonbeast energy points to become immune to magic of any kind for 1 round.

Spending a demonbeast energy point is a swift action. If a zeppelos has entered his demonbeast form this day, he automatically spends all remaining demonbeast energy points.

Demon of the Dance (Su): A zeppelos is infused with groovy demon prowess. He gains a +4 racial bonus on Perform (dance) checks.

Wasting of the Abyss (Su): A zeppelos is permanently infused with a magical condition that resembles a disease in many ways. His body is not made to contain the otherworldly forces that have been stuffed into it, and this demonic energy is always on the verge of breaking loose. Every day, the zeppelos must make a Fortitude save against a DC of 10 + 1/2 the zeppelos’ character level + the zeppelos’ Constitution modifier. If this save is successful, the zeppelos does not worsen in condition. However, each time he fails, he takes 1d4 points of Wisdom damage. This Wisdom damage cannot be recovered supernaturally. The only way to remove the damage is to wait for it to recover on its own. Wisdom points lost this way return naturally 7 days after they were lost.

As a zeppelos loses Wisdom points, he becomes more and more frenzied and panicked, to the point where he is pretty much raving mad when he has a Wisdom score of 3 or less. At Wisdom 1, a zeppelos cannot distinguish friend from foe, or pretty much anything else at that point. He can still function, but is incapable of anything requiring concentration or judgement.

If a zeppelos’ Wisdom score ever reaches 0 or less through this disease, he becomes subject to his Demonbeast Form special ability.

PCs as Zeppeloses

A zeppelos player character has the following racial traits:

• Ability Scores: +2 Con, -2 Wis. Zeppeloses are tougher than normal due to their unusual origin, but their minds find it difficult to contain the otherworldly energy coursing through their bodies.
• Size: Medium. As Medium creatures, zeppeloses have no special bonuses or penalties due to their size.
• Type: Outsider. As outsiders, zeppeloses are immune to many effects which target humanoids.
• Zeppelos base land speed is 30ft.
• Creator Communion (Su): See above.
• Crippling Disabilities (Su): See above.
• Demonbeast Form (Su): See above.
• Demonbeast Energy (Su): See above.
• Demon of the Dance (Su): See above.
• Wasting of the Abyss (Su): See above.
• Automatic Language: Common
• Bonus Languages: Abyssal, Celestial, and Infernal
• Favoured Class: Barbarian. A multiclass zeppelos’ barbarian class does not count when determining whether he takes an experience point penalty for multiclassing.

Creating a Zeppelos

Creating a zeppelos requires a Chaotic Evil Funky arcane spellcaster of at least 20th level, the subject, and oils, incenses and perfumes worth at least 100,000 gp. The ritual requires 8 hours, at the end of which the subject is reborn as a 1 HD zeppelos ready to kill for her new master.

Turns out I had some free time earlier than I thought. That’s a wrap! Thanks for not voting, folks! That may be the strangest monster I've ever made! :smalltongue:

[Owrtho]

I must have had some sort of black out. Cuz that was the shortest few days I've ever had...
That aside, I'd have to introduce this into a game. One of the people I play with already plays characters as they seem to need to act in demonbeast form. lol.

Owrtho

[Sereg]

I must not add this monstrosity too my unlist of monsters that I must not use in the next campaign that I'm not going to run. This is definately a very boring monster that does not deserve a place in any campaign. I am not saving this page as soon as I finish this post and I am not planing on how to incorporate it into my campaign. Please don't ever do this again. I will not eagerly anticipate voting against another monster.

[Lappy9000]

Heck to the opposite stuff; fantastic work Kellus!

[Ascension]

^ I shall also drop the facade.

EGAD! I think the awesome elements of this race (ie the ability to turn into a ginormous monster) are actually balanced by the roleplaying requirements!

I love it!

I thought it would just be a joke class, but if you drop the Funkiness angle, you could really use this in a serious game! :smallbiggrin:

[Pronounceable]

We have a winner!

[Sereg]

Alright fine! If the rest of you can't keep this up then I guess I can't either. Yes, this is an excellent piece of work and I hope that you will do another Don't vote up a monster thread. I've thought that your Funk-square axis was brilliant since I first read it and I'm adding bothit and this to my setting. (Now I just have to think of a lawful good square equivalent and maybe some of other alignments as well) (Incidently, have you ever thought of making Funk and Square incarnates?)

[UnChosenOne]

Look's like Kellus is even better than afroakuma and Zeta Kai on this subject.

[Moff Chumley]

Well, I think it's terrible. Is Chumley staying in the character of the thread, or is he actually dissing Kellus? The world may never know!

[Mewtarthio]

Step 1) Create zepellos.
Step 2) Infect zepellos with cackle fever and order it to intentionally fail its saving throws.
Step 3) Wait until Wis score falls below 7, then place zepellos in dungeon.
Step 4) Laugh maniacally.

[Eighth_Seraph]

Love it! I didn't get to join in on the voting, but the monster is terrifically flavorful.

The only thing is that I dunno if I would've put Demonbeast form all the way up to Colossal++ size, especially if this is meant for PC use. Especially at a +0 LA. For PCs, Huge would be appropriate, and still be an awesome mental picture, though the 500' radius would likely kill all of the Zeppelos' allies. Also, it would be pretty cool if a powerful opponent could be sacrificed to make a more powerful Zeppelos, but that's just me.

Aside from that little nitpick in PC hands, though, this may be the single best candidate for a demonic assassin ever. A Zeppelos Lion Totem barbarian with a twin dao (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3807210&postcount=3) will make it into the next campaign I run.

Love the picture, too! Is it original?

[Ascension]

The only thing is that I dunno if I would've put Demonbeast form all the way up to Colossal++ size, especially if this is meant for PC use.

The unvotes commanded it.

Besides, Demonbeast form really isn't "for PC use." Even if the Zeppelos is ordinarily a PC, when it turns into a giant raging CE monstrosity with the intelligence of an animal it shifts immediately to enemy of all life.

[Zeta Kai]

Look's like Kellus is even better than afroakuma and Zeta Kai on this subject.

I heard that. :smallamused:

Kellus, this is a great monster. I truly am amazed that you managed to make this monster actually work. You have worked with some of the cruelest voting that I have ever seen. Kudos unto thee. :smallcool:

[Jalor]

Awesome! As a Chaotic Evil Funky man myself, I approve.

[Flame of Anor]

This is so awesome.