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Saph
2008-11-19, 08:38 PM
It's been a while since we had one of these threads, so retell your favourite IC quotes. :)

My one's more of a dialogue than a one-liner, but the party found it pretty funny at the time. Setting: The party Unseen Seer (a halfling, trying to be lawful good) and the Druid (shapechanged into a coatl, and definitely neutral) had just rescued a bunch of slaves from a clan of frost giants. Chief among the slaves was a very annoying aristocrat.

Druid: "Okay, I fly in and land next to them, with Rosia (the halfling) on my back."
Slaves: "Aah! A beast!"
Druid: "Excuse me? I'm not a beast, I'm a coatl."
Aristocrat: "What are you doing here, beast?"
Druid: "I said, I'm not a beast. I'm a coatl."
Aristocrat: "Well, cootle beast-"
Druid: "Coatl."
Aristocrat: "Cootle beast-"
Druid: "COATL! Co-ah-tl! And my name is Ran."
Aristocrat: "Cootle beast ran, when are you going to get us out of here? We don't have all day."
Druid: (to the unseen seer, Rosia) "Why are we rescuing these people again?"
Rosia: "Well, we can't just leave them here to die."
Druid: "When you say 'can't', do you mean ethically, or practically? Because I'm pretty sure that if we're talking logistics . . ."
Aristocrat: "Hey! I'm talking to you, beast!"
Rosia: "Every living creature has a purpose in the world."
Druid: "Yes. Every living creature has its purpose in the natural order. And sometimes that purpose is to get eaten by something higher up on the food chain."

The halfling won the argument in the end, although not by much. :P

- Saph

Prometheus
2008-11-19, 09:00 PM
The halfling won the argument in the end, although not by much. :PI think it's funny when PCs get into these kinds of moral arguments applied practically and for a second it looks like they are going to the "wrong" answer. It's even funnier when they do pick it.

Sstoopidtallkid
2008-11-19, 09:01 PM
Can't think of anything specific, but my TN Beguiler recently had an IC debate with the party Paladin over whether or not to kill a Dominated prisoner. We ended killing him. :smallfrown:

Emperor Tippy
2008-11-19, 09:22 PM
I think it's funny when PCs get into these kinds of moral arguments applied practically and for a second it looks like they are going to the "wrong" answer. It's even funnier when they do pick it.

You should hear some of the ingame justifications I've heard players use when they or the party want to do something (OOC) that is really not in character. One guys paladin was great at that "Well my god doesn't want me messing with the natural order and the natural order is for me and my buddies to kill people for their shinnies. This is doing good because if the bad people had their shinnies then they could use them too finance their evil plots, and the neutral people don't use their shinnies for the good of the world like we do so it's in the interests of good for us to take them. And it's lawful because it's me upholding the single natural law of the universe "Might makes right"."

Actually had a paladin say that.

Lycan 01
2008-11-19, 09:34 PM
"I whip it out." - My brother during his first DnD game in response to his half-elf rogue failed repeatedly at a Diplomacy check to seduce the chick behind the desk of the hotel he and his buddy were supposed to break into and assassinate some dude in.

He ended up getting a +11 modifier to his next Diplomacy roll... *facepalm*



Edit: Btw, your Paladin makes a good arguement... :smallamused:

Prometheus
2008-11-19, 10:15 PM
"Well my god doesn't want me messing with the natural order and the natural order is for me and my buddies to kill people for their shinnies. This to me is surprisingly similar to the medieval concept of Divine Right or the American expansionist concept of Manifest Destiny.

I find that sometimes it is the roleplaying of character correctly, that sometimes put people into bizarre territory. After all, real people have odd justifications and are occasionally inconsistent.

arguskos
2008-11-19, 10:16 PM
After all, real people have odd justifications and are occasionally inconsistent.
This needs an award for "Understatement of the Year." :smallwink:

Egiam
2008-11-21, 03:35 PM
"If I can't make it explode, I'll whap it with my stick"
-Gimble "Fnip" Turin, Gnome Psion

KazilDarkeye
2008-11-21, 03:40 PM
"STOP! I AM CELESTIA!"
- Party Bard, rolling natural 20 on a Bluff check

Morty
2008-11-21, 03:41 PM
My group's games are reek with jokes, but most of them are inside-jokes, metagaming, unsuitable for this forum or any combination of the above. But here's a dialogue we once had:
Wizard(My character, after the two other party members started goofing off and acting like morons): Oh, don't mind them, captian(We were talking to a guard captian in some village), one of them is from Chult and the other from Luskan, so they're savage like that.
Captain: Luskan, eh? I haven't visited my old mother in a while.
Wizard: ....

Needless to say, it gave me a -2 to subsequent diplomacy rolls.

Sstoopidtallkid
2008-11-21, 03:56 PM
Oh, epic one. I can't believe I didn't mention this earlier. Our Cyberpunks group had to retrieve a briefcase that was handcuffed to a suit. We replaced his guards and brought him with us, but they figured out what happened and we were involved in a massive shootout and car crash that left the suit dead, forcing our heavy to blow off his arm at the shoulder to bring the case with us(we still couldn't get the handcuffs off). Our driver stole a sports car and drove off with him, leaving the rest of us to cover their backs. A few minutes later, the heavy says "I rest the arm out the window."
DM: *roll* "The wind catches it and it rips out of the handcuffs. You hear a thump, and it leaves a bloody streak down the side of your car."
Heavy: "Dammit"
Driver, who's been zoned out IRL, OoC: "Wait, what was that?"
Heavy, immediately: "Nothing, keep driving!"

AKA_Bait
2008-11-21, 03:59 PM
In the very first session that of this campagin, with the player of the ranger playing for the first time ever, the session started out with a dragonfire adept party member having gotten herself thrown in jail (she asked to start there for having set fire to a table in the inn with her breathweapon before the session started) the following conversation ensued upon finding her in the cell:

Ranger (angry): What were you thinking? We can't take you anywhere!
Warmage (sadly): This is why we can't have nice things.

Jack_of_Spades
2008-11-21, 04:02 PM
Barbarian: Okay, it's a tough hike up the mountain. The air's thin. Take only what you need.
--2 days later the party returns to camp to find the barbarian is throwing supplies into a long chasm--

Rogue: What are you doing? We need that stuff!
Barbarian: Rope, you have hands. Torches, you have eyes and if they don't work there's sticks. Books, we can just tell stories all night.
Wizard. Books, what books?
Barbarian: Yeah, I chucked your bag of books down there too.
Wizard: :smallfurious: I need those!
Barbarian: Then magic yourself down and get 'em. I got **** to do.
--the wizard jumps into the chasm and casts feather fall--
Barbarian: He hand me that Wolf hide, I need to make soup.
Rogue: Yeah, here.:smallannoyed: Why is there a bag under here? With books in it?
Barbarian: I wanted to have a peaceful meal without that guy telling me how smart he was. Now who's smart?

Artanis
2008-11-21, 04:23 PM
A couple sessions into a campaign, one of the players wasn't happy his Shifter, so the DM let him change to an Air Genasi Swordmage. Instead of a retcon, though, there was a big RP scene involving pissing off a genie. Later, said character found out the hard way that activating her Aegis also came with a change of clothes to a scantily-clad genie-style outfit.

Swordmage: "Oh great, first a new species, and now I look like a Battle Hooker."


A few sessions later, a gnome guard stumbled out of the bathroom into the middle of a fight with his pants still down. The female Ranger's initiative came up immediately thereafter.

Ranger: "Wow, not only are you gnomes small, but you're small, too. Guess I'll just put you out of your girlfriend's misery."

Lord Tataraus
2008-11-21, 06:36 PM
My favorite is a simple one-liner. The party needed to get some guards who were hanging around to get out of a room so they could do some plotting. So the cleric walks up to one of them and in a very sincere and calm tone addresses one of the guards: "Can I talk to you about Erythnul?"

Brauron
2008-11-21, 07:53 PM
My ranger, while in prison:

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...Nobody knooows...but Pelor..."

Yukitsu
2008-11-21, 09:41 PM
This line made my party laugh.

DM: The amorphous cloud takes on a silvered sheen.
Me: "Silver? If werewolves are vulnerable to silver, then silver should be vulnerable to werewolves!"
Group: *Laughter*
Me: What? That was totally in character.

Logic is not my characters strong point.

DMfromTheAbyss
2008-11-21, 10:39 PM
Had a good one that made the party do a .... and stop for about a minute.
The situation is we had the party behind enemy lines. Having to fight through some tough encounters they were forced to rest, they had an NPC whose title was literally "Lord of Darkness" being as he was the ruler of the "House of Darkness" in an elemental inspired country.
Doing a quick check the party was making sure everybody was up to full, memorized with full HP etc... upon asking the NPC they got this said in a serious deadpan.
"Fully rested and ready to engage in Carnage."
The wizard's player just cocked his head and eveyone had a 0.0 look

A few other good ones said in game.

"I mount the Drow and Grab Humphery by the head."
"I think i found what I'm looking for." GM response "What was your first clue the 4 six mile high pillars of magical energy?"
"That's more Crystal Balls than I've got!" Said by a male crystal Dragon.

Player 1"What's a rift?" Player 2:"A hole in Reality." Player 3"No that's Sith" (Sith being the Wild mage in the party)

EndlessWrath
2008-11-21, 11:17 PM
as my friend made a hafl-orc barbarian with no real background... (basically. a combat mech..who just kills stuff... or a bigger :belkar: just more flat) We had to deal with the crazyness of such.

I (DM) made the horrible mistake of having an idle player sit in the game... He decided to Write down Krugs thought pattern.

"Oooh Women. Kill it!"

"Ooh axe... Killl SOMEONE!"

"Oooh Fire. KILL IT!!!"

*facepalms*
-------------------------------------------
I did spend half a meeting avoiding a 30 level higher evil NPC by bluffing and diplomacising my way to get a Medium Rare Prime Rib steak with 2 full tankards of the finest ale... for 1 copper piece...

Me :"Yeah.. screw this. I leave"
DM: "whaT? where?"
Me: "I'm hungry."
DM: "ok?"
Me: "I find a steakhouse. the best one in town."
DM: "oh sh--"
----------------
"Do you have two metal wires with knives attatched?"
"yeah?"
"And you control metal right?"
"yeah."
"Throw your wire around those guys and make it spin"
"ok?"

*jumps in middle of ring of badguys ...spins really really fast and makes a barrier around myself. Makeshift meatgrinder.*

"Alright. suprise round over. I win initiative."
I win initiative has been the number 1 line in our group from this point forward...cause thats the round we put everything in to.

Thane of Fife
2008-11-21, 11:49 PM
I ran a villain who was basically a fighter/mage whose schtick was essentially the wearing of a Magical Mask to hide his identity. Not surprisingly, the players referred to him as Le Masque. Anyway, after fighting him several times, and his achieving a personal vendetta when he became the first person to kill the party illusionist, the PCs eventually managed to bring him down. They peel off his mask, and, before revealing who it is, I ask them who they think it is.

Instantly, the cleric's player shouts, "It's Red Herring!"

Glyphic
2008-11-22, 12:25 AM
Not-so smart rogue: I'm 200% sure there are Demons in this city..

Paladin: 200%? How's that even possible?

N-S-S-R: Well, I'm sure now, and I was sure then...

Darkxarth
2008-11-22, 12:46 AM
The party has encountered a magical mirror, and is trying to find out what it does.

Wizard: I cast Detect Magic.
DM: It's magical.
Wizard: What kind of magic?
DM: You don't know, it's not revealing anything other than the fact that it's magical.
Wizard: I cast Identify.
DM: You identify it as... a Magic Mirror.
Wizard: Right. What kind?
DM: You have no idea.
Wizard: I make a Spellcraft check and a Knowledge (arcana) check. 24 for one and 28 for the other.
DM: Your vast repetoire of knowledge has revealed that it is a Magic Mirror.
Wizard: And I don't know what kind.
DM: You do not.
*short party discussion during which the Rogue decides to ask the following*
Rogue: Mirror, what are your powers?
Mirror: Magic Mirror can reflect the image of any being anywhere. Additionally, it can reflect upon any question, answering as best as possible.
Paladin: Knowing our luck, it's probably cursed. Magic Mirror, what's the catch?
Mirror: Side effects may include light-headedness, increased blood pressure, and shortness of breath. If you experience a reflection lasting longer than 4 hours please contact your priest immediately.

Kris Strife
2008-11-22, 12:50 AM
A 50th level LN Pale Master npc giving his inaugural speech after being appointed general: "Ladies and gentlemen of Silversands... Dur, I LIKE CHICKENS!" DM rolled a 1 on diplomacy

My epic level half elf paladin speaking to a speciest elf noble to explain why we've been waiting in a cemetary while half the party is off looting a crypt:
"You see sir, *mouth farts*"
"Ah yes, I understand. Please hurry though."
I got a two on the check, but my modifier was high enough to blow it out of the water.

AslanCross
2008-11-22, 01:43 AM
Context: The PCs were attempting to take castle and assassinate its lord, a Marquis who was massing an army to launch a rebellion. The PCs decide to employ a twofold stealth plan using invisibility and seeming. They get in successfully, and set the barracks on fire without being seen, throwing the hobgoblins in the courtyard into a panic. Their invisibility wears off, but seeming lasts long enough for them to continue going about the castle.

The next phase of their plan was seizing the castle's barbican so they could open the gate for friendly troops, so they went up the gatehouse to get rid of the guards and safely open the gate.

Kieran, the half elf rogue, decides she prefers not to lose her disguise yet and goes up, trying to bluff the officer on the gate (whom they did not realize is the top hobgoblin officer) into leaving.

Kieran, unfortunately, knows not a single ounce of Goblin.
Alzarug, fortunately, has no ranks in Sense Motive and has 12 Wis, which puts his modifier at +1.

<Kieran> *random grunting, gesturing at the fire, rolls high*
<Alzarug, Hobgoblin Crusader of Bane> *in Common* Yes, I can see it's burning.
<Kieran> *now in Common* Why aren't you putting it out? Can't you see the barracks is on fire?
<Alzarug> Yes I can. Our orders were to stand our ground on the gate. Why aren't YOU putting it out? What are you doing here?
<Kieran> We were ordered to come up here.
<Alzarug> What? Why? Who gave you those orders?
<Kieran> *at this point noticing that this was the only guy wearing a big helmet and ornate armor* Um…um…YOU DID, SIR!
<Alzarug> Really?! Did I? (rolls a 1 on Sense Motive) *scratches chin for a moment* Well, whatever! I'm changing your orders now! Go and put out the fire!
*party stands there, blinking*
<Alzarug> YOU FOOLS! Why are you just standing there?
<Kieran> We are following your example, Sir! *again rolls high*
<Alzarug> I see. Well, what are you waiting for?! Follow me! *Goes down the stairs.*

At this point, Kieran, who has a couple of levels in Swordsage, uses Shadow Garrote on him.

...okay, it doesn't kill him, but it was awesome while it lasted.

Vikazc
2008-11-22, 02:17 AM
I think my fun one recently would have to be our party wizard (4E) lapsing into quasi homoerotic "I love you man!"s while drunk, because during an adventure he not once, but twice argued with my 21 wisdom cleric about the hostility of various creatures, and I was right both times >_<. The second time leading to the wizard ray of frosting me in the back. Good times.

John Campbell
2008-11-22, 03:27 AM
One from our dwarven paladin a few sessions back:

"I can't redeem him while he's conscious!"

Everyman
2008-11-22, 03:24 PM
Well, it isn't a one-liner, but I did have moment while DMing that taught me a valuable lesson in setting both scene and tone. The party had just returned from a long jaunt through a swamp, and I thought I could play off that...

Me: After several long days of making your way through swamp and forest, you return to town. You're tired and dirty, but...
Druid: Actually, only I would be tired, 'cause I pulled the boat along as a crocodile.
Me: Fine. As a whole you are feeling okay and...
Bard: We aren't dirty. I'm keeping us clean through prestidigitation.
Me: Well, ok but you...
Fighter/Rogue: I've got max ranks in Survival and Knowledge (Geography). Would I know the quickest way back?
Me: Fine! After only a day, you're all back after your exciting adventure! You're well-rested and happy, with rainbows and puppies there to brighten your day even more!
Bard: Yay for puppies!
Me: *facepalm*

...I was wrong

Yukitsu
2008-11-22, 03:28 PM
Pixie PC: While he's asleep, I cast an illusion on him to make him look like a girl.
Me: That's bad.
DM: What's Sheperd's spot?
Me: 119 before the roll.
DM: What's the DC to see through illusions?
Me: I think it's 120.
DM: So you're completely incapable of telling that you now look like a girl.
Me: Yup.

Trouvere
2008-11-22, 03:53 PM
The wizard has just reached level 2 and starts to tell the party about his new discoveries:

"Hi, guys. Sorry I took so long, but I woke up this morning and it was suddenly clear to me how a cis-ovoid transmutative field could be manipulated with a reverse Bellarian in the ninth and thirteenth chakras to produce a... er, well, never mind."

The rogue, who pretends to be stupider than he is:

"I know you wizards are fond of your fancy talk, but if you're saying you need to produce some ovoids from your chakra, there are some dense bushes over that way."

Mummy king
2008-11-22, 04:15 PM
The scene: Cade (a rogue) and Dirk (a rogue/swashbuckler) are duelling an (the?) aspect of Levistus in a polar region. Levistus backhands Cade, and presumes him out of the fight. Dirk puts up a good fight, but is eventually overpowered by the archduke. Then Cade sneaks up behind Levistus and sneak attacks him through the back.

Cade:Styx that in your pipe and smoke it.

Some more Cade quotes:

Cade: Greetings gentlemen. My name is Cade R'sath, and if you all surrender now, I can almost guarantee minimal fatalities on your side.
Assorted horde of orcs: RAAAR! ROAR! ETC!
Cade: No? Ok then. (Shoots the leader in the face with a hand crossbow. SNEAK ATTACK!)
The leader then became known as "Arrowface" and was run through by Cade. Thanks to a handy flank from the party cleric. Yay teamwork.

shadow_archmagi
2008-11-22, 04:16 PM
I believe I win the thread

http://www.geocities.com/whoisceres2/dndquotes.html