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Lord Tataraus
2008-12-06, 08:01 PM
...what do you need professionally? I need cliches for a Risus game where the players will attempt to operate a tavern in a spot-over town to a huge adventurer-trap (like the Tomb of Horrors or something). Basically this is an opportunity for the players to be the NPCs in a classic D&D world to a bunch of adventurers and try to con as much as they can from them (or just screw with them for fun). So, think of what cliches you would want to play as and post whatever you can think of, no matter how far fetched (it is a comedy game after all).

Cliches so far:
Bard
Barkeep
Bouncer/Brawler
Cook
Drunkard
Ex-Adventurer/Mysterious Guy In The CornerTM
Fencer
Gossiper
Gambler
Magician
Pick-Pocket
Quack (as in a fake cleric)
Romanticizer
Whore

kamikasei
2008-12-06, 08:07 PM
Mysterious guy in the corner, of course.
Bar wench.
Fence.
Grizzled ex-adventurer veteran.

Fax Celestis
2008-12-06, 08:15 PM
To run a successful tavern, you need two things:

1. Ale
2. Whores

Everything else is extra.

Weiser_Cain
2008-12-06, 08:18 PM
A good fire.

Dogmantra
2008-12-06, 08:22 PM
Raging Drunkard
Extra Raging Drunkard
Quiet Drunkard
Singing Drunkard
Miscellaneous Drunkard
and...
Jazz Band Member

You gotta have a jazz band.

Naleh
2008-12-06, 08:29 PM
To run a successful tavern, you need two things:

1. Ale
2. Whores

Everything else is extra.

Sometimes you can skip the ale.

Raging Gene Ray
2008-12-06, 08:33 PM
Sometimes you can skip the ale.

In fact, forget the tavern!

The bard could sing songs of the Deathtrap and the legendary myseteries therein. The Adventurers follow the rumors which, for once, are NOT true. I guess the bard/cryptic old man could make some money by just Making **** Up As They Wish. And you could have a fence do the cliche of selling the mysterious artifact that you cannot buy in any store, which turns out to be a regular sword/cloak/cork-with-a-nail-in-it with Nystul's Magic Aura cast on it.

snoopy13a
2008-12-06, 08:38 PM
Depends on how ambitious you want it to be.

A small watering hole only frequented by "the regulars" could be run by an owner/bartender and an assistant to give the owner a break now and then and to sweep up. A larger establishment could require barmaids, two or more bartenders on duty and perhaps a bouncer or two (depending on how violent it gets).

If the tavern is serving meals then you'll need a cook. If it is an inn then you'll need a maid or two for cleaning.

Common patron stereotypes could be:

1) Gambler(s)
2) Pick-pocket
3) Guy(s) looking for a fight (drunks, toughs, sailors, arrogant town guild)
4) Hard-core drinkers
5) Black Market dealer / Fence
6) Romantic interests
7) Bard working as an independent contractor

Vortling
2008-12-06, 08:38 PM
A faceless crowd with no distinguishing characteristics at all that doesn't provide plot hooks at all.

Crow
2008-12-06, 09:19 PM
Don't forget a staple of real-life bars everywhere, the dregs. These are shady losers who show up at around 10 o'clock each night, order 1 beer, and then bum cigarettes off of the first person they see. Often one of them is a female who has a checkered and rocky romantic past with (multiple) patrons or employees of the bar.

An Enemy Spy
2008-12-06, 09:20 PM
I don't think you've added the barfight yet.

Hal
2008-12-06, 09:30 PM
Cantina Band?

Don't forget the shady benefactor handing out quests. He should mainly be to get unwanted groups out of the bar.

daggaz
2008-12-07, 05:44 AM
Dont forget the really, _really_ old guy who hunches over at the bar and can't talk, but still manages to slowly drink himself into oblivion every single day.

TengYt
2008-12-07, 09:09 AM
1) The regulars. The men who stay in the pub all day long, have their own barstools and know all the bar staff by name. Have a "usual" drink.

2) The cranky old drunken regular who gets angry if someone sits on "his" stool. Happens to have 20 levels in Monk.

3) The guys playing pool/billiards.

4) The guys playing darts.

5) If the pub serves food, have a cook that doesn't let ANYONE into the kitchen, and is deadly at throwing knives.

6) The random arsonist sorceror. As soon as something interesting happens, he's the guy throwing fireballs about.

7) A huge variety of races, make it like the Star Wars cantina. Stuff like ettins drinking with kobolds.

8) Piano player that never stops, even if the pub is burning around him.

9) Barman who doesn't like a certain class, say Paladins. If one of them comes in, he'll snarl "We don't take kindly to your types 'round here", which will trigger every single patron glaring angrily at said paladin.

10) A plot hook involving "rats in the basement".

Dogmantra
2008-12-07, 09:16 AM
Whiny Teenage Princess who is rebelling against her father by going to low-class establishments. She's in disguise though, so it's all right.

Chappers
2008-12-07, 10:15 AM
Busty serving 'maid'
1-legged chef who cooks crap food dripping with fat
man staggering through door with arrow in back every hour, on the hour
back room for poker/shady deals/serving 'maid'
Back door
Secret tunnel
smell of smoke
mysterious person sitting in hooded cloak in corner smoking a pipe

evisiron
2008-12-07, 10:24 AM
Cantina Band?



Curse you, thought ninjas! :smallwink:

Remember to have the tavern shaped in an odd way to provide as many shady corners as possible.

Subotei
2008-12-07, 10:40 AM
Four Halflings trying to look inconspicuous...

UserClone
2008-12-07, 10:48 AM
What about just Con Artist? The kind of guy who makes all his money selling the magical treasures of PCs.

Also, drunken poltergeist. Every proper tavern has one.

Arokh
2008-12-07, 10:59 AM
Also required:
- Empty Table, reserved for certain organization(e.g. Assassins/Mages/Warriors/Barbers Guild , farmer Jimmy Whatshisname and his incredibly large family of grumpy thugs). Remember to always keep some members of said organization in the area just to make sure the table stays free at al time. For additional amusement, get a rotating schedule for reservations.

- A Bounty Hunter (works especially well if heroes are the exact counterpart of any highly wanted criminal.)

So long, Arokh.

Bayar
2008-12-07, 11:09 AM
You need your tavern to have resistance to fire. Taverns have an affinity to fire you know...

Bonecrusher Doc
2008-12-07, 11:23 AM
STAFF
Tavernkeeper - middle-aged man.
Tavernkeeper's wife
Tavernkeeper's 12 year old son - good for getting information about people in the tavern
Cook - I agree, he should have a wooden leg.
2 barmaids - one sweet and nice, the other saucy and hot-tempered

PATRONS
Big rude local customer (the kind who tells Superman he's sitting on his barstool, or trips the nice barmaid on purpose)
Big rude guy's scrawny little buddy who laughs with him - will be the first to pull a knife in a barfight
Depressed guy drowning his sorrows in drink
A table of gamblers
Pickpocket
Happy-go-lucky Bard
Religious pilgrim, just passing through
Mysterious stranger in corner
Some kind of con artist/swindler/snake oil salesman

charl
2008-12-07, 11:37 AM
Every tavern needs a few gamblers. And a dwarf. And at least one halfling storyteller.

TengYt
2008-12-07, 01:08 PM
Don't forget the heavily armed town guard that bursts in at just the right moment. Make sure they really hate outsiders.

Raging Gene Ray
2008-12-07, 01:12 PM
Make sure they really hate outsiders.

"Our kind don't take kindly to yer kind in these kind...of places!"

xPANCAKEx
2008-12-07, 01:15 PM
To run a successful tavern, you need two things:

1. Ale
2. Whores

Everything else is extra.

it should be noted in the DnD multiverse that taverns and brothels are interchangable. Infact, the only DnD language to have a seperate word for each of them is Orc... and the less said about that, the better

TengYt
2008-12-07, 01:17 PM
How about a crazy old man that only talks in riddles? Claims to be a great prophet, but in reality has had one glass of the house ale too many.

charl
2008-12-07, 02:23 PM
I just thought of something good. Adventurer-heavy tavern? It has to have mercenaries and/or henchmen-for-hire.

TengYt
2008-12-07, 02:40 PM
During the barroom brawl, the following things must happen:

People must be thrown through windows.
People must be thrown through the door (bonus points if it's a western style saloon door)
People must be thrown into tables.
People msut be thrown along the bar, crashing into every glass and bottle along the way.
There must be a table of really tough looking guys who initally stay out of the fight. When someone is thrown into the table, one will snarl "You spilt my drink" and they will proceed to kick ass.
Chairs and bottles must be thrown.
A barmaid should smash a bottle across the head of a guy.
Molotov cocktails must be made.
Darts should be thrown.
People should use pool cues as improv weapons.
A fire must be started.
One of the shadowy strangers in the dark corner will reveal he's a high level adventurer and defeat half the bar single handily before casually returning to his drink.

All the damage will be repaired within ten minutes, just in time for the next brawl.

Sstoopidtallkid
2008-12-07, 02:46 PM
All the damage will be repaired within ten minutes, just in time for the next brawl.I think this is the best place to point out that you should either make everything in the bar invulnerable(I had one bar that eventually bolted chairs to the floor so they wouldn't have to replace them) or so cheap it shatters on the first hit.

Heliomance
2008-12-07, 02:49 PM
There should be one guy in the corner drinking milk. None of the regulars ever give him any schtick over this. When some big shot that doesn't know the joint tries to mock him for it, people start shuffling away and the barman hides the expensive bottles. No-one ever mocks him for drinking mik because he's nails enough that anyone that does has to spend the next hour looking for their teeth.

TengYt
2008-12-07, 02:56 PM
Everyone (the barstaff, the patrons, everyone) in the tavern should be inexplicably high levelled. The barman in particular should own a +5 Vorpal Crossbow which he keeps under the bar in case some cocky adventurer tries to leave without paying for their drink.

vegetalss4
2008-12-07, 03:12 PM
Everyone (the bar staff, the patrons, everyone) in the tavern should be inexplicably high leveled. The barman in particular should own a +5 Vorpal Crossbow which he keeps under the bar in case some cocky adventurer tries to leave without paying for their drink.

note that the reason for the high levels are that they are in several bar fights a day, and thus gain XP even faster than adventures (four encounters a day? Bah i have 15 on a slow one)

Greg
2008-12-07, 03:22 PM
The barman should be a war veteran who saved up enough from fighting to buy the pub.

Bonecrusher Doc
2008-12-07, 06:34 PM
...and the cook was his old sergeant (at one time the barman's superior) who fell upon hard times, so the barman hired him.

chiasaur11
2008-12-07, 06:40 PM
Off duty local guardsmen, maybe?

Laharal
2008-12-07, 07:51 PM
-From time to time a preacher should come in and try to be moralistic to the patrons... Everybody stops, listen to him, says to him/herself «Yeah you are right» And the second the priest is gone, the party grows stronger.

-The patrons who are actually too big/scary/weird to enter the tavern and must consume their drink on the porch or beside the bar ex: The Ogre's trollball team, A frost giant chatting with locals and maybe a Tarrasque Rider feeding his beast with half the near located forest.

-The "liar" merchant who has the "miracle" solution to hair loss, bad breath, bad luck or sagging female body parts.

-The though guys coming from another town coming from time to time to terrorize and bully the locals......before they realized that there was a Tarrasque in town ;)

-A door leading to: the bank/castle/the plane of rum/the plane of chaos/outside of the tavern ;)

Lord Tataraus
2008-12-07, 11:49 PM
Awesome answers people, I got a lot of ideas from this and had the game today. There was a barkeep how was extremely good at gambling (i.e. fixing games and such) how had a knack of teaming up with the tavern drunkard to hold drinking contests and slip knock-out poisons into the contestants' drinks and then have the whore bring the winner into her room to loot everything off of them. It also helped that the drunkard was also a cleric of Dionysus and his blood was 80% proof (which lead to him gaining a dozen poisonous drunken spiders as followers). The fourth member of the group has a fencer and magical crafter who cursed every item he sold so that the surrounding highwaymen would have an easier time capturing them and sealing the items back to the fencer at a lower cost. Needless to say fun was had all around and the poor adventurers going through town left with much lighter pockets. Also, I must say I've never seen more team work in a game than when the barkeep running a drinking contest and spiking the drinks so the drunkard would win while the whore distracts the contestants and picks their pockets and the fencer sells anti-lucky charms and everyone profited...except the out-of-towners of course.

edcalaban
2008-12-08, 01:14 PM
Awesome answers people, I got a lot of ideas from this and had the game today. There was a barkeep how was extremely good at gambling (i.e. fixing games and such) how had a knack of teaming up with the tavern drunkard to hold drinking contests and slip knock-out poisons into the contestants' drinks and then have the whore bring the winner into her room to loot everything off of them. It also helped that the drunkard was also a cleric of Dionysus and his blood was 80% proof (which lead to him gaining a dozen poisonous drunken spiders as followers). The fourth member of the group has a fencer and magical crafter who cursed every item he sold so that the surrounding highwaymen would have an easier time capturing them and sealing the items back to the fencer at a lower cost. Needless to say fun was had all around and the poor adventurers going through town left with much lighter pockets. Also, I must say I've never seen more team work in a game than when the barkeep running a drinking contest and spiking the drinks so the drunkard would win while the whore distracts the contestants and picks their pockets and the fencer sells anti-lucky charms and everyone profited...except the out-of-towners of course.

I notice you forgot to mention that my fence had a million dollar bounty on her head that the townspeople decided to collect on, and that somehow they decided to do this REPEATEDLY without informing my character. Oh, and no one helped me to pull off the parties incarnation of this plan. Mork the Half-Eaten Freezinator of Doom will have her vengeance!

On second thought, she'll just go the way of the 'doom to elven subraces' guy. That's more her style.

Edit- spelling

Prak
2008-12-08, 11:31 PM
it should be noted in the DnD multiverse that taverns and brothels are interchangable. Infact, the only DnD language to have a seperate word for each of them is Orc... and the less said about that, the better

It's also worth noting that over on the Wizards' mature boards, before 4e started to rear it's ugly head, a group of us were working on a Pancake and whore house...

Laharal
2008-12-09, 02:04 PM
Ah I forgot

-A conspiring lord/baron disguised as a commoner making plans with some rascals. They nervously try to hide their bad intentions..

-The loyal but ''goofy'' sherif who, with two of his men, is watching the cloaked baron. Playing cards a few tables away (also in commoner clothes) they throw a glance or two at the baron's group every now and then.

-The charismatic new hero liked by the king who notices everyone despite their attempt to disguise themselves. Smiles before drinking and hope for some action soon ;)

-The Baron's daughter who has a big crush on the hero. Gets to the tavern with much haste but stays in the door frame when she notices her father. Stares with passion and hope at her lover (who is still unaware of her presence) then goes away.

-The hero's shy (who is secretly in love with the lady) sidequick who notices the Baron's daughter presence and instanly gets his hearth pumping with the most romantic feelings. He is quite dissapointed that the young women doesn't seem to care about him and he falls into sadness when she leaves the tavern.

Telonius
2008-12-09, 02:17 PM
Two people who are obviously too young to be in the bar, but always seem to be able to produce papers that prove they're oversized halflings.

BardicDuelist
2008-12-09, 02:20 PM
Twin half-fey barmaids. One is nice, one is not. No one knows which is which and they often get mixed up.

Bard, either one that tries to con everyone out of their money or one that will perform until the place burns down, then he goes to the next tavern and repeats. May or may not be a good performer. Is either loved or hated by patrons, and this is not necessarily related to whether or not he is a good performer/tries to con people.

Pick-pocket, who happens to be liked by one of the barmaids.

Bartender, with a very large crossbow. I prefer a bugbear/goliath with what would be a ballista to most people. Dwarves work well too.

Mysterious stranger. May or may not be helpful/telling the truth. Often a ranger.

Off-duty guard. Very drunk, with a lose tongue.

Old man that seems to have the liver of a god. Is never seen anywhere other than the tavern. Always awake, always drinking. Is also the bartender's best friend.

Drunken gamblers, who often start brawls that get blamed on any of the non-regulars who happen to be present (i.e. the PCs).

Sign reading: No magic!

BardicDuelist
2008-12-09, 02:23 PM
There should be one guy in the corner drinking milk. None of the regulars ever give him any schtick over this. When some big shot that doesn't know the joint tries to mock him for it, people start shuffling away and the barman hides the expensive bottles. No-one ever mocks him for drinking mik because he's nails enough that anyone that does has to spend the next hour looking for their teeth.

Milk, or cranberry juice.

Duke of URL
2008-12-09, 02:31 PM
1) A fortune teller. Doesn't have to be all that good, of course.

2) Assorted individuals who are completely out-of-place in the tavern, and always seem to need to have a specific job done (often repeatedly), carrying a large stash of gold or "unique" trinkets. I.e., NPC quest givers.

3) Misfit wanna-be "adventurers" looking to hook up with other "adventurers", because you meet those guys in taverns, after all.

4) And to echo Fax once again, ale and whores. Must have ale and whores. (And that's just as the DM to put you in the right frame of mind for drawing up the next week's session!)