Quote Originally Posted by Kallisti View Post
In the absence of any awesome people answering this request, I hacked something together instead.

Hellfire, with apologies to Alan Menken, Tony Jay, and generally all involved
Spoiler
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Lights--church interior. Parishioner/gamers are gathered around an altar on which rests a crucifix, a map, minis, dice, books, and an unholy amount of soda and chips. At the far end of the altar, behind the screen, stands a minister. Since this will never actually be performed, we'll cast Sir Patrick Stewart as the minister. Not because he does anything but stand there behind the DM screen looking vaguely menacing, but because Patrick Stewart is awesome.

Choir of Gamers:
Confiteor DM Omnipotenti,
Felicis Aleator Semper Virgini,
Beato Gygax Archangelo,
Sanctis Artifexis,
Omnibus Cultor,

The session freezes, spotlight ('cause of course there's a spotlight in the rafters of this imaginary church) on the gamer directly across the altar/table from the DM. This is Frollo.

Frollo:
Beata Maria, you know I am a righteous man,
Of my virtue I am justly proud
(Choir: Et tibi, Fortis:)
Beata Maria, you know I'm so much purer than
The common, vulgar, weak, licentious crowd
(Choir: Quia bravere nimis,)

Then tell me, Maria, why I feel it in my hand,
How my fingers still can itch to roll
(Choir: Cogitatione,)
I feel them, I see them,
The minis on their hand-drawn grid
Are moving in me out of all control
(Choir: Verbo et opere.)

Like fire,
Hellfire,
This fire in my skin!
This burning
Desire...
Are dice a deadly sin?

It's not my fault! (Choir: Alea jacta!)
I'm not to blame! (Choir: Alea jacta!)
It was that wicked man, Gygax, who set this flame! (Choir: Alea adusque jacta!)

It's not my fault (Choir: Alea jacta!)
If in God's plan (Choir: Alea jacta!)
He made the Dev team so much stronger than a man! (Choir: Alea adusque jacta!)

Oh, screw it, Maria
(To DM) I use my fifth-level spell
Let the fire sear their flesh and bone!
I admit I'm a gamer!
Now I cast Anti-Life Shell;
This chokepoint will be mine and mine alone!
(Another gamer, spoken): Hey, Mister Frollo? One monster has escaped.
(Frollo, spoken): What? Nowhere in the cathedral?
(Gamer, spoken): It's gone.
(Frollo, spoken): Goddammit, you were the tank, you idiot. I'll find it. I'll find it if I have to burn every last spell slot!
Hellfire,
Dark fire,
Finally it's my turn
I'll suffer the fire
I'll game though I must burn!

(Cut to: Frollo in FLGS, loading up on RPG supplies. He has accepted that he's hooked, and if Jack Chick is right and that's a mortal sin, so be it.)
(Choir: Kyrie eleison)
(Frollo looks at the assembled gamers in the store) God have mercy on them
(Choir: Kyrie eleison)
(Frollo realizes he has joined their ranks) God have mercy on me
(Choir: Kyrie eleison)
(Stares longingly at dice, books, etc.) But they will be mine or I will burn!


It's probably sad that when I realized I needed a rhyme for "fifth-level spell," I came up with "anti-life shell" off the top of my head, and even sadder that I knew off the top of my head that it's a full-round action to cast, so unless Frollo has that feat that shortens full-round and greater casting times it's not an excellent choice for holding a chokepoint. But it's the best kind of sad there is.
I like it. Very much.