Quote Originally Posted by big teej View Post
I bring you a story of goliaths.
Guhingir's tale


It happened while I was out hunting.

I was hunting stag in the mountain crags along with Vaunea and Aukan. We had tracked a herd to a valley and were preparing to ambush one when they came.

Violators, greenskins, desecrators, swinekin… Orcs.

They swept through the valley, driving the deer away. We were but three, as might as we are, we stood no chance against such numbers, and their group momentum would surely overtake us if we fled before them. We climbed, up into the trees, and watched them pass beneath us.

They were heading towards the village
No. no no no no no no no.

We chased them, but they outpaced us, caught up in their feral lust of wanton destruction. We barely managed to keep pace, the dust kicked up by their passage taunting us at the edge of the horizon, mocking us from each ridgeline as we followed them.

They reached our home an entire hour before us.
A quarter of that is all it took.

We came upon our home camp. It had been obliterated. Dead goliath’s lay everywhere, hacked and torn apart. Our dawncaller lay rent asunder atop our altar-block.

Vaunea began to weep, Aukan went to comfort her. I searched the bodies of the slain, hoping to find some survivor amongst the tattered frames.

I found only 1…
An Orc.

Our folk had made a good account of themselves, from my swift count it seemed that for every goliath that fell here today, they dragged down 3 of their murderer’s with them.

The orc was missing his leg at the knee. I questioned him thoroughly, pulling on the exposed bone on his leg whenever he refused to answer me.

This was desecration, they must be destroyed. The tribe of Orc’s called themselves the mountain crackers.

I left that orc to die, and returned to my fellows. They both appeared numb and in shock.

Aukan, prepare a tablet for any other tribes who come here. Let them know that we pursue, and will not return until every orc from this tribe of desecrator’s is slain.

Aukan objected, “Guhingir, there is no way the three of us can accomplish this task.” Vaunea was apart from us, staring off into the sunset, remained quiet. “we have no choice” I replied. “this act cannot go unpunished. We three must avenge our blood.”
Vaunea spoke, her voice quavering like an icicle about to fall from the roof of a cave at the end of winter. “they have to die, even if it means our deaths.” The woman was not a warrior at heart, at least not yet, she would have to learn to be stone hearted. “you can track them can’t you Aukan? You’re the best in the tribe after all.” She continued.

Aukan shifted uneasily on his feet. “I believe I can do it. We can even catch them eventually, they can’t keep that pace forever.”

“so we are agreed.” I said, taking up my hammer, which I had lain aside for the conversation. “Lead on Aukan”

And so Aukan began to track our quarry across the mountains, the trail was painfully obvious at first, the earth having been trampled beneath their feet. We eventually grew close enough to shadow them, to gauge their strength and their numbers.

They were many, and we were few.
So we watched, and we waited.
“aulak thala kaua gamala” - hunt the herd one animal at a time.

As night fell, they set up patrols, no more than 10 to 15 orcs each.
“Wheat before the reaper”, as I’d heard people of the lowlands say.
“a tiring stag before a goliath” we would say in the mountains.

We crept closer, our massive forms hidden within the shadows of our home. We waited until a patrol wandered in our direction, and we struck.

I stood from my concealment, and hurled my Harpoon at an orc. I had acquired the weapon during trade with some lowlanders; one man in particular smelled strongly of salt and told me the harpoon was used for hunting on a great expanse of water, called an “ocean”. He told me it was much bigger than any mountain lake. I had found the trader’s stories fascinating, but I prized the harpoon for its ability to bring down prey and allow me restrict their movements.

My harpoon caved in the Orc’s chest, pinning him to a tree. The remaining orcs milled about in confusion and panic at the sudden, violent death of a fellow, Vaunea began to rain arrows as long as an Orc’s forearm into the crowd, whilst Aukan and I waded in with our great hammers. We slew the orcs in seconds.

We faded back into the brush to wait for another band of orcs to come our way….

We harried the horde for some time in this manner, taking 10 to 15 orcs a night. Unfortunately, the orcs left the mountains, and travelled down onto the flatter lands. We could not help but give chase.

Many moons have passed since then. Both Aukan and Vaunea have long since fallen in battle with the orcs. I am the sole survivor of our tribe.

I will not rest until each of those orcs is dead.

I am Guhingir, Goliath, called “barbarian” by those who call these flat expanses home. I call myself “Avenger”.
My weapon’s and my very soul call out for the destruction of the swinekin.
I like this one. I think you captured the feel of the character, his personality, his feelings and emotions really really well. I could really feel his pain when he realised he was too late, and there seemed to be a sort of regret in his tone when he mentioned that the other two were dead.

Two things I would fix:
1. The first time your character speaks, you forgot the speech marks. Not a huge error, but it makes it a little tricky to realise he's speaking. I had to read it twice before I suddenly realised that he was actually talking.
2. Write numbers in full. Don't just type '3' or '1', type 'three' and 'one'. The rules of English state that for any number ten and below you write out in full, anything from 11 up gets to be written in numerals. The only exception to this (in a story at least) would be if you were depicting some sort of accounts book, or perhaps describing something the character was looking at. If he's looking at a number scrawled on a page or something. Numbers that are part of the text as yours were need to be in full.

There were a few grammar issues as well, but nothing that really impacted the story or made it hard to read so they're not really worth mentioning.

Quote Originally Posted by Pisha View Post
I haven't posted anything here in forever and a day, but this scene cried out to be snippet-ed.
You're right. It did. I love Dala's wondering back and forth about whether or not they've done the right thing in bringing Celia and her final acceptance that they didn't have any other choice. I'm fascinated that this Builder turned against them yet Celia still brought him back. I'm sensing another story there that I really want to know! I liked Dala's pragmatic approach to magic as well, it's those little side-thoughts that really make these snippets interesting. I don't know of anyone who is so focused that they think of one thing and one thing only and never get sidetracked. But all Dala's side tracks were perfectly natural and made her seem incredibly real.

Quote Originally Posted by Marillion View Post
Not much action in this one: In fact, it's mostly exposition for the second part. But I like it.
It is. And it works. I love Rafael's horrified realisation of who he really is. I love his and Josephina's reactions to all these revelations. They're horrified, but still bound by the niceties of society and it just reads wonderfully. You do a wonderful job of portraying them, with nice comic interlude with Dimitri

Quote Originally Posted by big teej View Post
got another one finished.

this one is a Rilkan Duskblade
I don't know why, but I seem to be fixating on the fact that he's lost his hat. I find it incredibly funny for some reason. All this crap going on around him and he's worried about his hat. Reminds me of Indiana Jones

Quote Originally Posted by big teej View Post
“It’s not yours to take, for I am in your way.”
Wow. He's badass all right. I love the title, it really sets up the scene that follows. I usually can't stand writing in full caps, but it worked for the demon-dude, it gave an extra depth of feeling to his voice. I could just hear it in my head, so well done with that

Quote Originally Posted by Machuchang View Post
This was just incredible. Your writing had an amazingly powerful feel, and you masterfully created an incredibly intense atmosphere. That, and all the little bits of backstory really drove home how screwed up a life Lyra has had and how much her curse has affected her.

I could really feel everything she was feeling, all of her guilt, her fear, despair, all of it. This whole piece really, really resonated with me. I mean, I'm on the verge of crying over here. Well done. Very well done.

Poor Lyra...
I really shouldn't be feeling as smug about this as I do... but I kinda can't help it. That was exactly the feel I was going for. If it makes you feel better, I was almost crying when I wrote it.

Quote Originally Posted by Werekat View Post
Alone: No nitpicks, great job, Moreta! Poor Lyra, though. What point of her story is this set at? What happens next?
This was set some time after the snippet in which Garret dies (can't remember the name of that one). And as for what happens next? I don't know!

If I may ask though - both you and Machuchang - what was it about the writing that worked so well? I rarely sit down deliberately intending to get a certain feel out of a story because it never works. This is the first time I've deliberately gone for a feel and actually achieved it. I need to know what I did right!

Quote Originally Posted by Werekat View Post
First up is the D&D stuff - because our current DM and the player of our paladin asked me to. Kudos, Fearan. ;-)
Hey! It's the elf wizard lady-man... I'm not sure you ever confirmed whether they were a male or female in the end... I've missed this character (whose name I am afraid, I have forgotten). I wonder though - were you tired at all when you were writing these? I ask because your English doesn't seem up to it's usual fine standard. I mean, you write just as well as, if not better than me, and English is my first language. I just wondered - there was something about the flow that didn't quite work for me. Maybe it was just because I hadn't read this character for a while, maybe it's because I was tired when I first read it myself.

I liked them though. I like the slight envy that this guy gets to be a silver dragon and the wonder in the narrative.