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    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Omeganaut's Avatar

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    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Critique of Exalted: Crashing Wave by Lord Raziere

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    I liked your imagery a lot, your descriptions about points some would find meaningless really enhances the feel of the story. However, the problem is that you write in 3rd person, but it follows the character in a way that would suggest 1st person, leading to an unclear narration. I understand that you are using a limited viewpoint, but the story follows the main character's thoughts so closely that you should probably just use 1st person from the start. Then the battle has some narration problems
    She launched her attack, leaping through the air, foot extended, probably to kick his skull to pieces, he closed his eyes and stabbed forward, not fearing death.
    Then suddenly he felt a rush of power, like the currents of the sea, roar of the waterfall, the rush of the river.
    Like a crashing wave.
    Then he heard a pained scream.
    The first sentence here is a run-on. At least separate his and her actions. Also, you haven't really given him a reason to not fear death. He would certainly fear death and the end of what he has worked so hard on. The next sentence is missing some articles to really connect the sentence and not just leave disjointed phrases. Even then it might be a little too long. The next two sentences come off as choppy, and the last sentence is too lucid for following such a flow of emotion as the preceding two sentences.

    One problem I'm noticing consistanly in your piece is that you seem to be short on articles, which usually indicates that english isn't your first language. I apologize if that isn't the case. it can be oft-putting to those reading if you are missing some of the articles as it disrupts the flow of the sentence. Be careful of where you place your modifiers, they should usually be before the word they are modifying. Such as "...chomped down on his torso whole" putting whole before torso would make the whole phrase flow better. Also, be careful what you have people saying versus what is narrated. If a fact is known by both parties in the conversation, then there is no reason to say it aloud. Such as the fact that Dancing Stone Across Water is the local Guild leader.

    You have a tendency to use short sharp phrases or sentences in a row, which often leads to uncomfortable reading as well as run-on sentence. Use more prepositional phrases and less parallel clauses and your writing will flow much better. Reading your story aloud (actually aloud) is also a good way to improve the flow of your prose.
    “How else,” Sanalos turned back around to Dancing Stone. “Did you think I killed your assassin? Such pitiful mortal measures are no match against me!”
    You also seem to have a few problems with spoken sentences interrupted by narration. The part I selected is a good example of interrupting a spoken sentence before it is finished and leaving a fragment. It should probably be punctuated like this.
    “How else,” Sanalos turned back around to Dancing Stone, “did you think I killed your assassin? Such pitiful mortal measures are no match against me!”
    I like your story, and I really like how you aren't afraid to flesh out small details that most others would skip. I hope my comments help!


    I wanted to review something, and this seemed like the only story I could really dig my teeth into that wasn't almost a year old. As for the library book, it was a little short to really give you much advice, and the prose was fine.
    Last edited by Omeganaut; 2011-06-07 at 08:51 PM.
    I have returned, and plan on focusing on world-building. Issues are being dealt with.

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    Thread won! I don't think I have the authority to do that but whatever