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    Bugbear in the Playground
    Omeganaut's Avatar

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    Apr 2011
    Plane of Science

    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    The Vision
    An ordinary man, overworked and underpaid, finally vents a scream of frustration. In accordance with all laws of physics, it echoed in much the same way that concrete floats. When the screams are eventually understandable, they convey a message similar to this. "Oh holy one, please save me from this dreary existence. Bless me as you blessed so many others in the past. Save me from being a pig among farmers! Bring back the happiness of youth!"

    Because everyone else left the office trying to avoid another employee gone postal, no one is around to witness what comes next. The man starts hearing a hum just on the edge of his hearing. Then a voice, strong as any announcer and more forceful than a dictator, resounds in his ears. “I hear thee and grant thy wish. Thou shalt be my chosen one. Rid me of those who would besmirch my name. Convert those who are righteous and kind. Speak to their hopes and not their fears. Avoid being one of those who say they stand for me while besmirching my name for greed. Ignore those who belittle us and prove thy devotion. Believe in me, and thou shall be blessed for all eternity, and the world will be joyous again."

    Then, to give a sign to the new prophet, a well of warmth opened up in his heart. He could actually feel the burden of modern life lifting off of his shoulders. With this blessing and his own newfound strength, the prophet set out to the streets to fulfill his Lord's vision, leaving his disbelieving and painful job behind. He stopped spending time with friends, as they mocked his new mission, and his family only complained about not having money, a sure sign of greed. Soon he was without a home, but his joy supported him, and helped him experience the beauty of creation as never before.

    Of course he did not forget his goals, and set out to convert everyone he could find. He talked to the rich as they took a rare walk outside their offices and their vehicles. He talked to the poor and homeless about eternal love and bliss in the afterlife. He labored to help those who help others, despite their motivations. And above all, he actively ignored every negative comment hurled his way by naysayers. None could pierce his armor of love and warmth. Although he had a most difficult time, his devotion eventually was rewarded. A woman on the street actually listened to him while she walked to lunch. She hands him a business card, and while she is far too busy today she would love him to visit her at work tomorrow.

    The next day, after locating the address, the man finds himself outside a large white building that has a cheerful sign proclaiming it to be the ‘Happy Acres Home’. Such a sign could only indicate his message would find kind ears in here. He enters, and introduces himself to the kind lady behind the desk in the first room. She is expecting him, and asks him to wait in a soft, white room. Soon after enters a mean male nurse who keeps asking him pointless questions about material matters that are not relevant to the holy message. The prophet knew better than to sink to his level, and turned aside the questions in favor of talking to the woman he had met yesterday. The nurse angrily left, and soon after the nice lady came in. She brought with her a nice warm jacket, which was the same pure white as her coat and the walls of the room. The prophet was glad to have it, due to it being slightly chilly in the room. She began asking him about his religion, and the prophet proudly told her of the spiritual message he had received and that he wished to spread to the world. After an hour the lady stops writing on her clipboard, and solemnly agrees to head out to share the word of his Lord.

    Soon he settles into the comfy jacket with the long sleeves wrapped around him as if hugging him, and begins to nap. He dreams of the divine message the world is about be improved by. He hopes that he can stay in the room; it is very soft and will protect him from any injuries the jealous may inflict. "Ahhh," sighs the patient, "it is good to have such a safe place to sleep in. I wonder how long I can stay here?"

    Critique of JJ's How I Fell in Love with the President’s Wife.
    I like how you develop the plot by using conversations, and yet keep good description in small pieces. I am envious at how easily you put narrative into conversation without it feeling clunky of forced.
    I always introduce myself ‘you call me Matthew’ firm handshake.”
    This sentence is the first that seemed off to me. I would say it could use a few more words, which would look something like this
    I always introduce myself with a ‘you call me Matthew’ firm handshake.”
    Next problem I found is harder to give a firm solution to.
    his face took on that look I knew of old, even if it was framed by a new, expensive hair cut.
    The first phrase is just too long and uncomfortable. maybe more like "His face took on an old look I knew." However, that's only two small problems in a great work, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I can't wait to read more, and see the story live up to the title.
    Last edited by Omeganaut; 2011-06-08 at 02:57 PM.
    I have returned, and plan on focusing on world-building. Issues are being dealt with.

    Quote Originally Posted by MesiDoomstalker View Post
    Thread won! I don't think I have the authority to do that but whatever