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    Kallisti's Avatar

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    Jun 2009

    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Critique of The Vision, by Omeganaut
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    Quote Originally Posted by Omeganaut View Post
    In accordance with all laws of physics, it echoed in much the same way that concrete floats.
    I'm a little confused here. You're saying that, in accordance with the laws of physics, it utterly failed to echo? This is a bit of an odd metaphor, so you probably ought to expand on it in the next sentence--explain why there's no echo immediately.

    Quote Originally Posted by Omeganaut View Post
    When the screams are eventually understandable, they convey a message similar to this. "Oh holy one, please save me from this dreary existence. Bless me as you blessed so many others in the past. Save me from being a pig among farmers! Bring back the happiness of youth!"
    I like "a pig among farmers," kind of. It's an interesting metaphor, and I like the sound of it, but I'm not entirely clear on what you mean by it.

    Also, if it's "a message similar to this," shouldn't you use a colon instead of a period, since the "Oh holy one" etc isn't a separate thought?

    Also also, I'd use 'intelligible' or 'comprehensible' in place of 'understandable', since understandable isn't usually used for when you can understand what someone's doing so much as it is for when you can understand why they're doing it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Omeganaut View Post
    Believe in me, and thou shall be blessed for all eternity, and the world will be joyous again.
    I think it's "thou shalt be blessed," but I could be wrong. If I am wrong, ignore me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Omeganaut View Post
    Soon after enters a mean male nurse who keeps asking him pointless questions about material matters that are not relevant to the holy message.
    "Mean" is a very casual word; it's kind of at odds with the tone of the rest of the passage. I might use 'cruel', 'heartless', or 'unkind'. Especially since it was a kind lady behind the desk and not a nice lady. But even though you go on to use 'nice lady', I'd still change 'mean' out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Omeganaut View Post
    The prophet was glad to have it, due to it being slightly chilly in the room.
    I'd say 'as it was' or the like in place of 'due to it being'. 'Due to it being' is just an awkward turn of phrase.

    Quote Originally Posted by Omeganaut View Post
    He dreams of the divine message the world is about be improved by.
    "About to be improved by" is an awkward turn of phrase. It could just be "the divine message about to improve the world." Active voice and all that rot.

    I liked it very much. It was funny on the surface, but afterwards it leaves you with that little chill up your spine that I very much enjoy. The wording is a little awkward in some places, and the Divine speech in Ye Olde Medieval English feels a little stilted, but overall it was very good. You paced it very well and the ending was perfect.


    EDIT: Line 4 switch out "today" for "this day" to make the stresses feel more natural and I'm content with it.

    Line 5 is giving me trouble, though. "The only letter I can send" sounds silly, but it needs to rhyme with "to celebrate your life-path's bend," which I like. "The only charm that I may wend?" "My parting I must seek to mend?" Actually, I rather like that one. "My parting I must seek to mend and celebrate your life-path's bend." But then it doesn't flow properly into the last line.
    Last edited by Kallisti; 2011-06-13 at 11:45 PM.
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