1. - Top - End - #238
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    GreenSorcererElf

    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    London
    Gender
    Male

    biggrin Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Critique of From Absent Friends
    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by Kallisti View Post
    Spoiler
    Show

    A shining glimpse of golden locks, a mind that's like a puzzle box
    Bright smile that illumes the space, a lovely person's lovely face,
    And simple wit--a key--unlocks
    A laugh as delicate as lace.

    Though far too long I've been away, I have returned, for I must say
    "Not all good things must ever end; it's been a gift to be your friend
    Through famine, feast, through tame and wild."
    The only gift I have this day;
    The only letter I can send to celebrate your life-path's bend
    A thank-you note for moments whiled: a poem from an absent child.
    Spoiler
    Show
    The pacing in this is brilliant, I think it flows very well.
    I think "I must" say sounds better that "must I", and I don't know if i am just reading it differently from the others, but I find the 4th and 5th lines of the 2nd paragraph to have just as good pacing as the rest, and the rest is great!
    (EDIT: Just realised that that is because you already changed it. I think "this day" is better than "today". On the 5th line, I think it is better as it is than the suggested changes. Keep it as the original in my opinion.)
    I also like the way that the rhymes are there, but they don't seem like an integral part of the poem. It sometimes annoys me when poems are full of rhymes that aren't actually necessary, and sacrifice the flow to get them. This does not have this problem, however, which is excellent.
    I always like to add something to improve, but I'm not sure what!
    Last edited by Zolkabro; 2011-06-14 at 01:27 AM.