Quote Originally Posted by Zolkabro View Post
Critique of From Absent Friends
The pacing in this is brilliant, I think it flows very well.
I think "I must" say sounds better that "must I", and I don't know if i am just reading it differently from the others, but I find the 4th and 5th lines of the 2nd paragraph to have just as good pacing as the rest, and the rest is great!
(EDIT: Just realised that that is because you already changed it. I think "this day" is better than "today". On the 5th line, I think it is better as it is than the suggested changes. Keep it as the original in my opinion.)
I also like the way that the rhymes are there, but they don't seem like an integral part of the poem. It sometimes annoys me when poems are full of rhymes that aren't actually necessary, and sacrifice the flow to get them. This does not have this problem, however, which is excellent.
I always like to add something to improve, but I'm not sure what!
Thanks. You're very kind.

You really think "this day" is better? I think it sounds a little less mundane, but that the stress on "this" sounds off. Ordinarily you stress the "day" in today but today doesn't sound too bad--this day makes it sound like I'm emphasizing the 'this', which is not my intention. I keep wanting it to be "the only gift I have to give," but that would throw off the rhyme scheme...