Quote Originally Posted by Kallisti View Post
I just checked the roster and apparently I had eight critiques and two stories. With the critique I posted of The Vision, that makes three unspent critiques, so I figure I'll post the other graduation-day poem (since it's urgent and all). This one shouldn't be considered as one of the free slots, since I already took one and I have three critiques.

Untitled Rondel

My time with you has been a gift
Smiles shared, hours well-misspent;
And so, to celebrate, may I present
The sullied page I pass off as my gift.

Would that our days I could shift
From Yesterday were they were sent!
My time with you has been a gift
Smiles shared, hours well-misspent.

Though parted by an oceanís yawning rift
Let these words remember me as they are meant:
Not a single misused moment I repentó
My time with you has been a gift.

Here I go

It may well be that I'm not in the right state of mind to critique today, but one thing that hit me is the word gift being used twice in the first stanza. I tried and tried to think of another word that will fit the rhyme and meaning, and though I'm at a lose to give one, it may be something to look at a little longer.

I must applaud you because when I write something where I need to repeat specific lines at certain times I make the poem sound too sing-song...this is heart-felt without being cutsey and babyish.

Lastly I'll beg you to not change the line "Smiles shared, hours well-misspent" This is just so good...I know exactly what you mean, yet at the same time I want to point out that you can't misspend your time in a good way...it's an oxymoron that you make sound so beautiful!
This is a great piece, much better than the similar plan I'd had in school.