Quote Originally Posted by changingvamp View Post
Here I go
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It may well be that I'm not in the right state of mind to critique today, but one thing that hit me is the word gift being used twice in the first stanza. I tried and tried to think of another word that will fit the rhyme and meaning, and though I'm at a lose to give one, it may be something to look at a little longer.

I must applaud you because when I write something where I need to repeat specific lines at certain times I make the poem sound too sing-song...this is heart-felt without being cutsey and babyish.

Lastly I'll beg you to not change the line "Smiles shared, hours well-misspent" This is just so good...I know exactly what you mean, yet at the same time I want to point out that you can't misspend your time in a good way...it's an oxymoron that you make sound so beautiful!
This is a great piece, much better than the similar plan I'd had in school.
Thank you for your kind words.

Well, I presented this at graduation some weeks ago, so it's a little late now, but you're right about the repeated 'gift'. For some reason I got it in my head it had to end with the same word as the first line, which is not true, so...well spotted.

I liked the line 'smiles shared, hours well-misspent' because I knew my friend Hannah--for whom the poem was written--would catch the reference to Neil Gaiman. I would rather recollect a life misspent on fragile things and all.