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    Barbarian in the Playground
    Asthix's Avatar

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    Aug 2010

    Lightbulb Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Critique of Some Funny Words About Life by Omeganaut

    First off, I like how you lampshaded the redundancy in your poem by making a stanza about it.

    I see each sentence as its own stanza despite the lack of spacing. With such a clear separation of phrases, not having double spacing between your sentences made the piece feel more narrative, which in turn makes it more creative writing and less of a poem to me.

    I'm probably not getting it, but some of your points seem less funny ha ha and more funny as in odd. Such as life's past being an opossum that recognizing is uncouth, or if the word is funny then laughing makes you a laughingstock. these seem to be non sequiturs with circular logic.

    I got the puns on the third read through. They do a good job reinforcing your point about maximum ridiculousness, (which I think is a strong point to end on) but well, they're still puns.

    Regarding the poetic feel, some lines fall flat when read aloud such as, 'at least, if you think about it.' or, 'Life also consists of,' These lines are again the sort of phrasing in literary, rather than poetic prose.

    There are possible interpretations of the line, 'on pain of the Pain of all pains' so I don't feel irked at the ambiguity of the line. Is the middle Pain supposed to be capitalized?

    Overall I must applaud your poem because it has the courage to be what I find difficult- deliberately ridiculous.
    Last edited by Asthix; 2011-08-10 at 08:27 AM.
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