1. - Top - End - #267
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Omeganaut's Avatar

    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Plane of Science
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Raziere View Post
    Conan the Grammarian
    Spoiler
    Show
    poem
    Spoiler
    Show
    I like the idea behind it, and I think it could be good, it just needs some work to get there. I'd also aim for a more regular structure, just because you seem so close. Four line stanzas with ABCB rhyme pattern would probably work well. Trimming it down to that shouldn't be hard, especially considering you already have the rhyme.


    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Raziere View Post
    Outwards, now Inwards
    Spoiler
    Show
    poem
    Spoiler
    Show
    Honestly, I don't really feel this one. Your just describing you thinking creatively behind a bland exterior four times. If it had more imagery and metaphors it could work, but right now it just doesn't really cause me to think (and I tend to define poetry as words that make you think or see the world differently).


    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Raziere View Post
    High Class, Low Motion

    Spoiler
    Show
    poem
    Spoiler
    Show
    It just doesn't flow. Yes, I get the ending, that is really good, but the rest of it feels like it should flow into each idea from the previous, and instead it jumps around. It could flow based on a color, or a metaphor, or a bit of story (man takes something from waiter, then goes to a conversation with a beautiful woman). It just jumps around like random photographs which doesn't fit the picture.

    I hope I haven't been to harsh on you. You do have really original ideas, I just feel that you generally could use more self-revision on your work so that we on the forums can critique things you or a proof-reader couldn't do (and yes, I did go beyond that most of the time here). I hope this helps Lord Raziere.


    EDIT: adding another critique
    Quote Originally Posted by Ashtix
    Blast
    Spoiler
    Show
    story
    Spoiler
    Show
    It is an interesting story, but I feel that it doesn't really explore much that could be explored in this setting. Also, I hope you will add onto it, as it is very unfinished. Even if the game just keeps going like this, stories should have a conclusion, and yours leaves many things in the air. Another thing; I'd have the knight give himself a name. It doesn't have to be his original name, but he should have something to identify himself by. I feel that a captive in his position would want to hang onto some sort of identity, as the other knights would not be much different from him, especially to the demons. I do want to say I like your short, choppy sentences. They really fit the narrator.
    Last edited by Omeganaut; 2011-09-04 at 10:40 PM.
    I have returned, and plan on focusing on world-building. Issues are being dealt with.

    Quote Originally Posted by MesiDoomstalker View Post
    Thread won! I don't think I have the authority to do that but whatever