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Thread: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    It's much clearer now. Actually (not to be a huge pain (who am I kidding)), the first time you mention his caste mark now feels a little too expositional to me.

    ...the brawler had poured his spiritual strength into a moment of invulnerability, and so the mark of the Dawn Caste shined on his forehead.
    I think it's the "and so" that does it. Now that I think about it, that's a construction that doesn't see a lot of use outside fairy tales & the bible, which is maybe why it stands out to me. If I were to rework it I'd probably go with something like "...the brawler had poured his spiritual strength into a moment of invulnerability, the mark of the Dawn Caste shining on his forehead." I also generally prefer 'shone' as a past tense and 'shined' as a past participle, but frankly there's a lot of precedence for both words used basically interchangeably, so now I'm just being obnoxious. STOPPING NOW.

    Herodrith, Tom, and Niani were hardly the bold and daring heroes she had hoped them to be, but perhaps they merely needed someone to show them the way.
    Nooooo Miyuka, nooooooooo. That way lies madness!

    "Miyuka is just an expendable resource," the priest said bluntly.
    I told you!! Run while you can!

    Miyuka opting to take point

    Norimo Miyuka would make it clear to Tom and Herodrith why it is unwise to abandon a samurai of the Crane clan.
    See if you can kill them with some mundane rope

    This was a lot of fun to read. Glad to see your party is consistent in its treatment of NPCs (I hope Miyuka doesn't get her clan involved in her retribution though; that can only end in tears). Also, I understand the reason for it ooc, but man would I be terrified of going anywhere in the ToH alone, even if I was flying and only going exactly where I'd gone before.

    Nice and tough, nice flanking partner, nice ass, nice rack, and nice blonde hair.
    Normally, lists do use commas like you do here, but since the list isn't actually part of a sentence, you need to treat each clause like a short fragment-sentence of its own, so they should be separated with semicolons instead (with the exception of the last one: "comma-and" is actually correct here, since it is an appropriate separator for independent clauses).

    Minor nitpick: "For myself" is a pretty awkward way to start a sentence; "myself" really needs something to refer back to; I don't think it can stand alone in a prepended dependent clause. "Personally" or "In my case" would read better in my opinion.

    However! This is my favorite installment yet in this series. Kalach's voice has been getting steadily stronger, and with the plot starting to pick up as well, you've definitely got me hooked. This kind of "prophesied test of strength" scenario seems like just exactly the kind of thing Kalach would hate, as a guy who's just genre-savvy enough to know when he's a Pawn of Greater Forces™.

    Man, I'm a pedantic jerk when I'm supposed to be working. Forgive me!

    EDIT: Forgive me because I'm updating the archive again as we speak?

    EDIT2: I'll have a snippet for you guys soon (so someone post so I don't double-dip). I'm putting together the events of the longest single session I've ever been involved in (a little over 14 straight hours), and I've finally got the whole thing blocked out, so expect the first chapter of that story sometime in the next day or two.
    Last edited by Dr Bwaa; 2012-03-14 at 11:02 AM.
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