Quote Originally Posted by SleepyShadow View Post
Even if you're a 12th level druid?
That would take the edge off a little, I admit.

Quote Originally Posted by Winds View Post
The 'for myself' grammar bit may be a regional difference. I've not been told it was incorrect, but it's not all that big a deal.
The trouble with language is that not everyone speaks the same one, even when they supposedly do speaks exactly like I do.

@SleepyShadow
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I've been generally enjoying these ooc/4th-wall incidents, but this one bothered me a little; I'm not too sure why. I guess it just seemed a little less tongue-in-cheek than the others have been. I'm glad the players seem to have failed their OOC will saves, though (or at least Tom's and Niani's players). That's always entertaining as the DM.

Shambus, by the way, is great. He's a perfectly characterized kenku.


@Vixsor Lumin
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Nice first snippet! I like Falthor's attitude; I'm interested to see where this goes (and why a tiny little village like this even exists on the Lower Planes somewhere, evidently in close enough proximity to badness that it needs to hire a full-time Demon Guard. How can they afford to pay him?). Also for some reason I really like the phrase "growing twilight." Keep it up!

Nitpick: a hovel is basically a shack, and it sounds like you're using the word to describe the village Falthor is in. If you're referring to the building Falthor is sleeping in, I'd just try to make that a little clearer.

Otherwise, a couple of formatting-related things--if you broke this snippet up into a few paragraphs, it would be a bit easier to read. Also, any time saying a number takes only one word, by convention you should write the word out rather than use the numeral (so "five" instead of "5", or "thirteen" rather than "13"). In this case, though, I'd honestly remove the number altogether. It feels unnecessarily mechanical to me, whereas something like "...drew his bow and jumped back, loosing an arrow as he did so" communicates the action just as well, without reminding me explicitly that this happened in a game in which the smallest unit of movement is the five-foot-step.


@Winds
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But, well, the disciplines aren't related. I tried to make a pie and got a tiny golem.
Stop making me laugh; I'm at work.

On the other hand, I have an apple pie golem watching me write this.
What did I just say? (Please make more apple pie golems. Use them for everything. Oh man.)

The only thing I found a little off-putting in this snippet was the ship transition. So far, these entries have all been quite short, not encompassing very much time, but suddenly this one covers a whole slew of trials (which makes sense; Kalach probably didn't have time to make entries while dealing with the Obelisk), and then goes on to include "while we sailed." That makes me feel like there have been a few days of sailing past already, which was a bit of a jolt. I don't think it would have been a stretch to put the leviathan sighting in its own journal entry.


I can't believe how long it's taking me to write this thing. It's really just an introduction to the rest of the story, which is part of the problem I'm having--not a whole lot actually happens. Bluh. Hopefully I'll lose patience with trying to get it perfect and put it up later today.