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Thread: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    Here is a new entry into the Jessica story arc. Not much forward movement in the plot, but some character development.

    I can't wait for your critique Dr Bwaa.

    My Impatience (A Comedy)
    Spoiler
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    No really, I can't wait. I'm halfway done with my time machine. Right now it can send an apple two minutes forward in time, but it explodes after one minute. Oranges seem to do fine, though. I haven't figured out why, yet, but I'm working on it.

    Hurry, before I start testing on mice. I don't want to clean up exploded mice. It reminds me of "Watership Down".

    Edit: That's it, I'm ready to move on to animal testing. I didn't want to do this to you Tom. Oh, I named the test mouse Tom. It's supposed to be ironic. You know Tom and Jerry, except ... eh ... you know what I mean. I didn't want to test my time machine on you Tom. I can only blame my extreme impatience and weird sense of humor.

    -Two minutes later-

    Well, that was unexpected. I sent a mouse two minutes into the future, and got a cat in the return trip. Don't know how a mouse turned into a cat as a result of the time displacement, but I can't say the name Tom is ironic anymore.

    Going to have to do some more research before I can move on to human testing.

    Note to self: Monitor cat to make sure he doesn't explode like the apples did.

    Edit: I have moved on to human testing. My impatience has emboldened me even further. I tested five cats total. Three of them started as mice. All of them exploded two minutes after the time dilation experiment. I lost Tom, Tabby, Whiskers, Cat 4, and Cat 5. I discovered that not naming the animals made the grieving process quicker.

    I will read Dr Bwaa's critiques, no matter how many cats explode.

    On to the human testing. I volunteered to babysit the neighbors two year old daughter. I will consider the small size of the test subject to act as a scale model of when I eventually use the time machine. I took extra precautions to make sure I don't remember the child's name to ease the grief resulting from her eventual and unavoidable explosion.

    -Two minutes later-

    Even more baffling; I sent a two year old girl two minutes into the future and got back a used fondue pot. I have no idea what to make of this, nor can I be certain of what is in the fondue pot. It tastes good with cheese, but I can't place the flavor. I will have to monitor it to see if it explodes.

    Edit: Alright. This is it. I'm about to use the time machine on myself. I only had one more test subject use the time machine. The two year old girl's older brother. He was five. I concluded that the larger the human test subject, the larger the fondue pot. The pots didn't explode, and the substance in the boy's pot did not taste good with cheese. I haven't worked out what causes this, but I have no choice in the matter.

    The police are right outside. The parent's of the kids don't believe me when I told them the fondue pots are their kids. I have to use the time machine myself to escape. I will set it for one day. Hopefully, I will not turn into a giant fondue pot, but if I do, I hope I taste good with cheese.

    I also hope, that as a fondue pot, I can still read Dr Bwaa's critiques.


    Jessica Chapter 8
    Spoiler
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    Jessica's Misadventures
    in High School

    Chapter 8
    The Meeting

    "Has she said anything?" The Chief walks down the hall with purpose to the interrogation room. He addresses the guard standing outside Jessica's room with a point of his finger and a glare.

    "No, sir. In fact she has been very quiet." The guard salutes instinctively.

    The Chief almost cracks a smile and says, "Military man, right?"

    "Yes, sir. Army retired. Iraq war veteran." He stays at attention.

    "I like that. Navy retired myself," he snaps himself out of recalling the old days, "Open the door. I want to speak with her myself."

    The guard turns around and pulls out the key to the door. The Chief ordered her room remain locked after she left unescorted last time. The man starts to open the door and an unnatural glow emits from inside the room. It outlines the border of the door and changes in intensity.

    "Sir? Are we both seeing the same thing?" The guard speaks up timidly. His hand gripped tight on the door handle, keeping it just barely cracked open.

    "Well, open the door. Right now I'm not surprised by anything that happens."

    The guard opens the door all the way and looks inside. Jessica is sitting on the table in the lotus position, her open hands resting on top of one another in her lap. Her thumbs are arching above her fingers, making an oval shape with her hands. Her wings are arched wide around her body. Her body is held perfectly straight. Her eyes are wide open, staring at the nothing directly in front of her, but looking right through it. A strange energy dances across her body, and she remains perfectly still.

    The Chief looks at her and remains speechless for almost a minute. He collects his wits and says, "Lock the door behind me," and he walks in.

    *****

    "I'm here to collect Jessica's belongings." Janet walks up to the caged window and knocks on it to grab the attention of the attendee.

    "Good. The sooner I get rid of this thing the better." The attendee collects a sealed plastic bag containing a brown linen drawstring bag. The attendee lays the bag in the sliding tray and pushes it through a one-way gate designed to separate the attendee and recipient at all times.

    "Aren't you forgetting something?" Janet laughes while looking at the attendee sideways.

    "What?"

    "Procedure. I got to sign for it first."

    "Yeah, right." He pulls the sliding tray back in and puts the chain-of-custody paperwork inside, without removing the bag.

    Janet removes the paperwork and starts to fill it out. As she writes she can't help but ask, "Why are you so eager to get rid of it?"

    "The bag is just ... it's ... It's weird, okay." He gestures with his hands dramatically, "We opened it up to account for the contents, and ... It's bigger on the inside."

    "What?"

    "I know. I know. It sounds ..."

    "Like something right out of Doctor Who." She starts laughing hysterically.

    "Fine. Whatever. Just take the bag and go." He waves her off with his hand.

    Janet places the paperwork back in the tray and walks away with the bag. She leaves it sealed in the plastic bag, but her curiosity makes her wonder if what the attendee said is true. She restrains herself from opening the bag herself to check it out.

    *****

    "Is this how you sleep?" The Chief asks after circling the table a few times.

    Jessica shakes her head and blinks a couple of times. The energy that moved across her body vanishes. She looks around for a moment and sees The Chief. "Oh, sorry. My meditation draws a lot of my focus. I didn't see you come in."

    She pulls her wings in tight and jumps off the table. She straightens out her robe and then bows curtly. "My name is Jessica. What is your name?" She says beaming a smile at The Chief.

    The Chief smiles and says, "I'm The Chief of Police. You can call me The Chief, everyone else does."

    "Isn't it rude to address someone by only their title?" Jessica turns her head to the side.

    "How about Chief Anders, then."

    "A pleasure to meet you Chief Anders." Jessica says still beaming a smile. She sticks out her open hand for a handshake. Chief Anders hesitates for a moment and then smiles as he grasps her hand.

    *****

    Janet walks up to the interrogation room door, still carrying the sealed bag. She sees the guard stands at attention right in the doorway.

    "I got Jessica's belongings. The Chief wants me to deliver them to Jessica." Janet says as she approaches the guard.

    "I'm going to have to check with him before I let you in." The guard turns around and unlocks the door. He hesitates for a moment when he puts his hand on the doorknob.

    "What's the matter?" Janet asks. She can see the sweat forming on his brow.

    "It's nothing." He turns the doorknob and opens the door. There is no glow coming from inside the room, but a sound emits from the other side of the door that startles both the guard and Janet. The Chief is laughing.

    The guard's hesitation gives Janet the opportunity to let herself into the room. The guard closes the door and locks it after her.

    "First thing tomorrow, I'm putting in for a transfer." The guard makes a mental note as he says the words.

    *****

    "So your dad killed Hamilcar Barca?" Chief Anders says, laughing between words.

    Jessica gives out a giggle and says, "Yeah. The rest of his army was so embarrassed that they never told anyone what happened."

    Chief Anders tries to contain himself and forces out the words, "If that happened to me, I wouldn't want to tell anyone either."

    Jessica takes a few breaths to calm down and says, "Father tells the story differently, though. Very straightforward. Giving unnecessary details. I like to add my own flare."

    "A very serious man, with a military mindset, huh. I bet your father and I would get along famously." His laughing starts to subside and he looks over to the door, "Officer Watson, I didn't hear you come in."

    "I collected Jessica's belongings as you requested, sir." Janet says as she places the bag on the table.

    "Oh, thank you so much, Janet." Jessica eagerly grabs the bag and starts to rip the plastic open.

    "Janet, huh?" Chief Anders looks at Officer Watson sideways, "I'm glad to see you two became so familiar."

    Jessica takes her bag out and opens it up. She thrusts her arm inside while muttering to herself. The bag should barely hold her hand, but she manages to get her whole arm in, all the way up to her shoulder. Chief Anders and Janet stare with blank expressions. She starts pulling things out of the bag. A dirty robe, several books, a bag of trail mix, more books, and she even pulls out two jewelry boxes; one big and one small.

    "Aha!" Jessica holds up a book she just pulled out of the bag, "Father?" She says to the ceiling.

    "Yes daughter?" A voice emits from the middle of the ceiling.

    Chief Anders jumps up from his chair and backs away from the table, staring at the ceiling. The blank expression on his face turning slowly to a mix of anger and fear.

    "I found Henry's copy of Bram Stoker's Dracula." Jessica says to the ceiling.

    "I am sure Henry will be glad to hear it. He has already turned in for tonight. I will tell him first thing in the morning."

    "Thank you. Is there any other books he is missing?"

    "He did not mention anything. I will ask him that, as well, when he awakens in the morning." There is a brief pause, "You should be getting to sleep soon, too. It is very late."

    "Thank you, Father," Jessica says exasperated.

    "Do you want me to send you Sherry? You seem to have forgotten her."

    "What? No, I don't need Sherry anymore." Jessica's face turns red as she starts looking back and forth between Janet and Chief Anders. Both of them are looking at the ceiling. Janet seems to be taking it better than before.

    "Are you certain? I recall you have trouble sleeping without her."

    "Good night, father." Jessica says between her teeth. Hoping to end the conversation.

    "Good night, daughter."

    The room goes quiet. Jessica's face is beet red. The silence is broken by Janet when she asks, "Who's Sherry?"

    Jessica drops her head and sighs. She whispers, "The teddy bear my dad made for me."

    "Oh, that is so cute." Janet says in a cutesy voice, then laughs.

    "I'm sixteen. I don't sleep with a teddy bear anymore." Jessica crosses her arms and looks down at her feet.

    "Who was that?" Chief Anders finally speaks up and walks back to his chair slowly.

    "That was my dad." Jessica says bluntly.

    "Okay," Chief Anders takes a long pause, "Is he still listening."

    Janet answers, "Probably, but he won't answer unless we say something to him." Janet tries to hold back her laughter.


    Just to alert everyone I turned the time machine joke into a mini-snippet. After I post this comment here I will delete it. That way you get an email alerting everyone about the update.


    (Note: that was when it was another post. Now combined)

    I wish we could get an email whenever a post is edited, too. If there is a way, then could somebody tell me.

    Incoming critiques.

    @Arkhosia
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    The dark elf, wearing a green blouse, purple cap and cape, and short blue skirt, leaning against the wall with her legs crossed and right arm holding a card deck, gestures toward her left where two figures stood.
    That is one really long sentence. A whole lot of ands in there. Also, the previous sentence needs an opening quotation.

    A tall Eladrin on the far left interrupted.
    Who's left? My left? The character's left? Cronc's left? My left foot?

    His black leather boots resting on the table, a beat up red-detailed trench coat, and a long blade on the loop of a satchel hanging on the back of his chair gave him a cocky appearance.
    I think posture is what gives a person a "cocky" appearance. Not clothes. Also, the descriptions in this sentence are a bit "jumbled". The first time I read this I thought the table was "beat up" and "red".

    "You elected me the party leader. Besides, your parents named you Roadkill!"
    Roadkill can't be the leader? Why? There are several fictional biker gangs lead by guys and girls named Roadkill and they are not pleased by this discrimination. Don't make them wag their chains at you.

    "My parents were a**holess!"
    You think your parents were *******s? You should have met Maverick's parents. He wanted to get away from them so fast he jumped into a fighter jet and just took off.

    The magnificent Mage and maelstrom of misorder
    To make it proper, capitalize every word but "and" and "of". Also, shouldn't it be Disorder. Also, every time?! I would start saying, "Hey, Four M" before I use that whole name.

    Finally, this is a story. Which means multiple paragraphs. I suggest making a new paragraph every time a different character speaks. That way we have an easier time figuring out who's talking.


    @Doxkid
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    A polite aura of ignorance
    I don't get what you are describing here. Are you referring to the way people are reacting, how the character is acting, or something else entirely?

    It is an interesting turn of phrase, and I like how it sounds, but I can't seem to visualize what is being described.

    …or to the decision to finally be reincarnated, at any rate.
    This line doesn't quite match the atmosphere of the rest of the story. It took me way off guard and forced me out of the scene. I was getting absorbed into the story and this just kicked me out.

    When the Great Horned Owl struck down a mouse Barnabas was there too, shooing the bird away so he could tend the rodent’s wounds…or give it a place to rest eternally, if need be.
    And then The Great Horned Owl starved to death, because a little kid wouldn't let him eat. The poor, hungry owl.

    If, of course, you exclude the teasing
    You seem to use "Of course" and "Oh" a little too frequently. It messes with the flow of the story, and isn't really necessary.

    that prank where every beast of the forest had its gender changed this was slightly less bothersome,
    I think you need a comma or period between "changed" and "this".

    It only took days for the sand to return.
    Damn you sand! You just get everywhere. I can't even enjoy a stay at the beach without you getting into every crack.

    Seven of the mightiest mages from the forest joined their magic and collectively purged the land of this subtle blight.
    I don't think subtle is the right word here. From what I read up to this point, it has been anything but subtle.

    The forest fell silent as the warrior woman roared one last challenge; unlike the others it did not fall when she drew breath, instead feeding upon long hidden rage. Her pace quickened and Barnabas could barely keep up.
    Whoa! Mom is letting her kid follow with her! Into this! I'm guessing this kid is some "chosen one" character, but other than his unusual birth this story hasn't given me that impression.

    Chosen one or not, a mother wouldn't let her child follow her into "Sand Hell". Reading fantasy, I do have to suspend my disbelief, but this is a bit much. Perhaps if you established him as being capable of handling himself earlier.

    Massive creatures without names stooped to strike and her
    I think you meant "strike at her".

    Even the simplest of undead were held at bay by the sheer force of her anger and strength; zombies swayed in the softest of winds, their mindless drive to slaughter cowed momentarily by her presence.
    If this is DnD, then this doesn't make sense. I'm a big fan of the undead, in all settings. Zombies and skeletons would keep attacking. They can't feel fear. They are incapable of hesitation. Unless she is a cleric and used "Turn Undead" then they are still attacking.

    I know that you are trying to create a scene here, but when using a previously established world setting you got to stay true to its rules. Otherwise readers who are fans of the setting is going to become confused.

    Barnabas whimpered as much as he was able,
    I got to ask, "Why is he even in the story?" He doesn't seem to serve any purpose. Is he Chekov's Gun? Is he going to go off by the end of the second act?

    “Oh? Who is this little guy next to you?”
    Ah! The kid is finally going to serve a purpose.

    "Please, Necromancer. Take the kid away from the poor excuse of a mother. Did you see what she did? She dragged him into a battlefield of undead nightmares. I know you like to play around with dead things, but you got to be a better parent than her!"

    “He looks quite familiar…doesn’t he look familiar, my widdle gum-drop?”
    We are three fourths of the way through the story, and we are finally getting some character development.

    From the antagonist.

    We received plenty of exposition on the heroes of the story, but with a few short lines I can now relate to the necromancer. I have a better connection with the villain of the story than the heroes.

    “I think someone is supposed to introduce the proud uncle to his only nephew;
    Are you M. Night Shyamalan?

    Jenny spoke her first true words in what seemed like hours or even days.
    Or even the whole story. Unless you count when she named Barnabas true words.

    Barnabas glanced up at her torn between disapproval, pride, fear, tiredness and confusion.
    That is quite the laundry list of emotions to be conflicted with. Well, one is a physical state, but still that is quite the list.

    Artemis winked at his nephew and Jenny shifted to better shield her son from view;
    Again, why did you take him with you?! Why not, oh, I don't know, leave him at home where a whole town can protect him?! Your mother can't be the only competent fighter in the village. Not to mention the safety in numbers.

    Mother of the year here folks. For our next field trip we will take a walking tour through The Nine Layers of Hell.

    all the same Barnabas smiled back at his uncle just the tiniest bit.
    YES! Go with your uncle. Artemis is a better developed and more memorable character. Not to mention, he has got to better a better parent than your mom. At least with him you got some damn good babysitters. Try playing hide and seek with a babysitter that has "Lifesense", it isn't easy.

    I’d just die of embarrassment!
    ... and come back as a lich.

    Besides, I just so happen to think ‘Barnabas’ has a nice ring to it.”


    ...
    That ... is a rather weak end. It doesn't even feel like an ending.

    Well, to give an overall impression:

    The first three quarters of the story dragged too much. It didn't keep me engaged. When Artemis was first introduced the story finally became interesting. I could better connect to Artemis than any other character, because the rest, Jenny and Barnabas, just aren't well developed. I didn't care what happened to them and I felt no personality from them.

    Artemis was subtle and his character reflected through his dialogue well. Everyone else, they did ... things ... but nothing shown through it. They were all one dimensional. When they did show emotion it always felt contrived.

    In the end I felt like I wanted to know more about Artemis than whatever might happen with Jenny and Barnabas.


    @Dr Bwaa
    Spoiler
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    while Nim watches and offers advice like "lift it up!"
    This one knows what he's talking about. You should pay close attention to him.

    "Looks like it's me! What do you know!
    Sure, you can stay up here. Alone. No one to protect you from the unknown terrors that lurk in the dark corners. Fangs stained red from the blood of ...

    I get it. Sheesh.

    I can actually hear him grin.
    It's time for Science Nerd Talk:

    This is actually true. Your voice will have subtle differences depending on you expression. You will actually sound a little different when you are smiling, frowning, or have a neutral expression. It all has to do with how the air moves from your mouth. Just like how the squeal of air from a balloon sounds different depending on tight you pull on the lip.

    The difference is far subtler with facial expressions though.

    "Well, good luck John, and you two as well.
    Officer Barbrady, "Move along, people. There's nothing to see here."

    "The sewers really are stopped up. The passage is blocked
    Curse you Gods of Ironic Humor!

    Would that I could die instead. Hell can be no worse than this.
    My characters, Jack and "The Devil"/Asmodeus, reading this.

    The Devil, "He really thinks Hell couldn't be worse than being submerged is sewage." He starts laughing, and nudges Jack with his elbow.

    Jack looks at him with a blank expression, "Why are we reading this together? Don't we hate each other?"

    They both look back and forth across the room, then down at the feet. After the awkward silence, they both leave.

    I picture how I must look, and laugh all the harder, spitting and coughing between breaths.
    River of Slime scene from Ghostbusters 2. I just can't help but draw the comparison.

    "We wouldn't want this to be too easy."
    Chekov's Gun all over again. Now it is going to be damn hard.

    Keep watch for any wretched creatures that would live in a place like this
    After all, something had to build that dam of dead bodies. It's not like corpse dams are formed naturally.

    Also, I'm convinced that neither of these characters seen a horror movie. All they need to do now is say, "I'll be right back" to guarantee that they die.

    I spy at least two spine-covered tentacles
    Whoops, sorry. I seem to have recorded one of my hentai over your snippet. In my defense you should have write-protected it.

    twisting the top of the creature's enormous jaw entirely off its body in a geyser of foulness.
    His dying words, "Just two days from retirement."

    "Maybe we can find a washroom."
    A thousand hot showers can not clean my mind of what has been seen.

    Also, I'm disappointed in you. They are in the sewers, surrounded by crap, and you didn't make one fart joke. Not one! I had higher hopes for you.

    Overall:

    I enjoyed it. The story kept me engaged. I was able to relate to the characters well. They are well developed and their interactions are natural. Although, I feel Filbert wasn't as well developed as the others. I could tell a lot about Nim and our hero, but Filbert just seems a bit generic. He is more the straight man that the jokes play off of.


    @Lord Gareth
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    His build was lean, not mighty,
    The "not mighty" is unnecessary. "Lean" already implies that.

    slain with blows that were a strange combination of savage and surgical
    Can you elaborate on this? It is a nice contradictory expression, but it would be nice if you followed with the "How". If the "one mighty precise strike" is the description, then it doesn't say "savage and surgical" to me. A little more description of this scene would be nice.

    I kinda wanted to ask why you're always apart.
    I think this should end with a question mark.

    "Kestrel. Vivienne Kestrel."
    "Bond. James Bond."

    Also, they been traveling this long and he doesn't know her name, yet. This guy is really separated from the rest, or a complete ****.

    Overall:

    Short and sweet. I enjoyed the story and obviously it is leading to further ones. You left a nice hook to get us to read the next one with the whole "demon shadow" scene.


    @PaperMustache
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    Oh I could think of a few things.
    Oh, I could think of a few things, too. Like how there needs to be a comma between "Oh" and "I", and naughty things. Mostly naughty things.

    I spend way too much time on the internet.

    Sometimes I thought she forgot that we were only seventeen.
    Eh, now I'm not thinking naughty things. Right officer. See. Not thinking them anymore. You can put the taser down now. Please.

    Where had all this stuff about the Brotherhood come from in the first place?
    A really crappy fan-fiction. Probably "Thirty Shades of Grey".

    Well you know what's scaring me? Everything!
    I know a good therapist for you, Charlie Brown. She works for only a nickel.

    Sorry, that line reminded me of the scene where Charlie Brown and Lucy are talking and she says, "The fear of everything" and Charlie Brown shouts, "THAT'S IT!" Aha ha ha. So funny.

    Uh, where was I at. Oh, yeah. Critiquing.

    I was daydreaming again.
    Okay, now I dub thee "Doug Funnie".

    You will pledge to give your lives and your efforts to serve our interests, or you will die."
    Well, if those are my only two options. Let me think about for a moment. Tough call. I'm going to need to make a pros and cons list for this one.

    "We swear." Mya answered.
    Mya is acting more like the stories hero than ... well, our stories hero. In fact, our hero has been mostly following her in this whole story segment.

    "We swear." I joined her that time,
    Hey, look! Our hero stepped up ...

    muttering weakly.
    ... and promptly retreated. I'm supposed to be rooting for this one, right?

    "Peace, Secrecy, Autonomy."
    "Honor, Family, Tradition, Donuts! MUCHA LUCHA!"

    which have me a start.
    ... huh?

    "Uh...Peace, Secrecy, Autonomy?" I whimpered desperately.
    Are we sure we got the right hero? The story of Mya seems to be the more entertaining read right now.

    Sort of ham handed, yeah?"
    Okay, where's the ham. I was promised ham. Don't you be holding out on me!

    "That was really scary."
    ... uh, no it wasn't. Neither reading it, nor visualizing it made it scary. It seemed more like a secret club meeting than The Midnight Society. If you find that scary then I advise that you don't read "Where's Waldo". Somewhere in the picture, Waldo is hiding. Whoo ... BOO!

    "Usually there's a blood ritual, but I guess they skipped it for you."
    That would have been scary. See. Depending on the ritual of course. I mean slicing your hands for a blood oath would have been an excuse for being squeamish. The real fear would have been if they gave a newborn child as an offering to the dark gods.

    My stomach turned at the thought of blood.
    You are joining an organization called The Brotherhood and you get nauseous at the thought of blood!

    Are we absolutely certain that we got the right hero for the story?!

    Overall:

    It is a good story, and I look forward to the next entry. The hero is not ... well ... the hero doesn't seem to fit well in this story. I keep wondering, "What the hell are you even doing here?" We need some motivation. In the transition from Act I to Act II I feel like the hero is just going to run away instead of continuing the story arc.


    I post these into a new entry so that you will be alerted to the critiques. Then I will combine it to my previous post so I won't be double posting.

    Combined

    Incoming new critique:

    @TheWombatofDoom
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    Ryan idly wondered what these corridors under the labs were for. He knew it was for the electric tubes that ran along the top, but it couldn’t be just that.
    Why not? A lot of things are built with just one purpose. Ryan is just over-thinking it.

    There were similar tubes main part of the city,
    ... huh?

    Before he could conjecture further, they came upon their quarry - a door.
    Your number one threat; a door. You must be the aliens from "Signs".

    Ryan hadn’t considered the risk Larin was taking by sneaking them into the labs.
    You didn't. You selfish jerk.

    It’s going to be very dangerous in this hall in about ten minutes.
    Foreshadowing, thy name is Zuul!

    Darien and Ryan obediently waited, rocking on the balls of their feet with an antsy anticipation.

    After creeping through the dark tunnels, Ryan felt exposed in the open room.
    They look at each other and try to make small talk. "So, how about those Cubs?"

    Awkward.

    As he glanced around for prospective hiding places, a glimmer caught his eye.
    SHINY!

    Ryan's curiosity was interrupted by the faint sound of hooves clocking against the stone of the floor.
    I think the word is "clopping". Despite what the Brony community turned it into.

    The Kawe was a majestic creature. Distant glimpses had not prepared Ryan for the experience of being near one. Its appearance and demeanor was that of a deer: calm, beautiful, proud, but there was one major difference. Where horns would have been on a deer’s crown instead came forth lightning on the Kawe. Even now the bluish electricity sizzled and crackled around behind its head. Ryan watched, enchanted as the electricity twisted about in some sort of dance.
    Quick, throw your Master Ball.

    or went spent time with Darien.
    ... huh?

    “Why can’t we hide or go back the through the tunnel we came through?”
    THE through the tunnel is the worst possible way out! It's a trap!

    Right now hiding seemed like a better idea than running through a maze of hallways.
    Always works for Scooby and Shaggy.

    Larin added as an afterthought, snatching two masks that hung on pegs by the door and handing one to each boy.
    Great luck or convenient plot device? Either way, it's a little contrived.

    A quick study showed Ryan that the mask seemed to be some kind of tinted glass that when worn could see through.
    ... what?

    Ryan realized he never thanked Larin in the rush to escape.
    Oh, darn. Better head back. Don't want to seem rude.

    Ryan assured himself that that would have to come later.
    Did it really take that much convincing?

    Right now he had more pressing matters - to escape.
    No kidding?

    Darien was beginning to tire and was falling behind.
    Someone forgot Rule #1 of Zombieland. Cardio!

    He grabbed Darien’s wrist and pulled him around the next corridor at random.
    How do you randomly pull someone?

    Darien and Ryan were immediately able to put more distance between them and their pursuers as they weaved through the traffic in the crowded hall.
    Parkour! PARKOUR!

    A crash behind them made Ryan glance back.
    Someone forgot to parkour.

    hoping no one would recognize him.
    Just don't say it out loud, otherwise the trope will catch you.

    “Ryan?!”
    OUCH! I forgot, in books the trope will catch you either way.

    Okay. I didn't forget, but Chekov's Gun had a hair trigger here.

    Well, this is not going to end well.
    You think?

    So, when there was need for more room, the only way to go was down.
    So, how about down and out? They obviously know how to tunnel. So tunnel out.

    Ryan turned his eyes to one of the many lightning rods that rose out of the wall that encircled the city.
    Another effective way to escape the city. Use the lightning rods to attract the lightning and it won't strike people moving past them.

    The tubes ran throughout the underground city and the city above, giving light to all, among other things.
    I see the other use for them. Obviously this is the internet. It is a series of tubes.

    Ryan wondered what had his ancestors had done to warrant such an extreme measure of confinement.
    Your confinement was caused by the extra had in your sentence. The Gods are Grammar Nazis.

    Further, the question every resident of Eron had to wonder was
    "Why do we drive on the parkway, but park in the driveway?"

    Why were they still imprisoned generations later?
    That was my second guess.

    Whatever the cause, he supposed it had to do with magic.
    Damn wizards ... of the coast.

    There was a silver lining
    No, that is just more lightning.

    Despite getting caught, Ryan felt the adventure to the school had been worth it.
    Yeah, who cares if your friend gets kicked out of school. You got to see a deer with lightning shooting out of its head.

    Selfish ****.

    Soon, Ryan would be sneaking into the rest of the world.
    We have a major leap in plot here. How did we get from crying in his room to "I'm going to see the world"? We need some threads of thought to connect these two points. Wasn't he grounded? Aren't they trapped? What about Larin? Why is he suddenly planning on escaping the unescapable city of Eron? Why is he no longer depressed?

    Ryan glanced back at his half packed room.
    Why is he packing? The plot jumped several pages here. We need a transition, people. Something to connect these two points.

    His parents wanted to give Ryan his dreams.
    It is at this point that I realized, "EXPOSITION!" I am suddenly getting a lot of exposition here.

    Ryan found no passion in ash carving or glassblowing, but put a sword in his hand, and he lit up like a flash of lightning.
    If fighting is forbidden, then how did he get a sword?

    What was more important to Ryan and Darien’s parents was that helping their children escape gave them something they as parents never had – freedom.
    When did they come into this? Okay, I'm totally lost right now. Someone give me a map. I need to find out where the plot ran off to.

    They still weren’t happy, to say the least, but since nothing really was harmed,
    Except for the teacher who took a nose dive to the floor.

    This is serious business.
    Because this is the internet. Did you see the series of tubes under our house?

    He felt ashamed, realizing the escapade to the school had cost him the entire day.
    And possibly Larin's academic career, but who cares about that.

    Seriously, such a selfish ****.

    “I decided it would be best if I didn’t mention Larin’s involvement to the school. I figured that could be something we just keep to ourselves, yeah?”
    Good watching out, father. Not like your son showed more than one or two sentences of concern.

    His father had just done something very kind.
    Something very kind for your friend. That you forgot about while you were daydreaming about your own goals in life.

    Overall:

    I enjoyed it. There are parts where it drags too much, but the pace works well enough. The protagonist, Ryan, is both likeable and with flaws. His main flaw being his selfishness, which at times is a bit grating.

    I'm guessing the leap in plot was caused by the fact that you have previous entries on this story line. Which I guess I missed out on. If that's the case then the fault is mine. This feels like an introductory story, though, and if this is "Chapter 1" then you really need to connect those two points.

    One of the better snippets I read in a while, though. Looking forward to the next work.


    Entry will be combined and deleted.

    ... and again.
    Last edited by mebecronck; 2013-09-11 at 05:40 PM. Reason: To turn the joke into a snippet

    Some of Murphy's other laws.
    "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
    "No plan survives the first contact intact."
    "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid."
    -Capt. Edward A. Murphy-
    Newton's Law of the Road
    "The object with more mass has the right-of-way."