5 months, 1 week, 4 days update. Oops.
In case my off-kilter opening didn't tip everybody off, I have ended up needing more time to prepare for summer classes than I thought, and have ended up slipping in my internet "schedules."
However, there are no active threads to my knowledge, and I have received no PMs from people asking me where I've been, so fortunately I don't seem to have become important enough for my absence to bother anybody
… I will go join the laws of physics now.