Ah hello again. A couple of lines of thought.

First just contemplating self destructive behavior. The idea of burning maybe six years worth of notebooks and sixteen years worth of collecting RPG rulebooks is floating through my head. Not the best idea I have ever had. But not the worst impulse.

The second line of thought is how the idea of people wanting to spend time with me is weird. Just multiple people recently have said or done things that indicates they want me around and I find it something. One person apparently usually skips a thursday night game group thing if she hears from her husband that I'm not going to be there. And the other person is a woman I have/had a crush on at the animal shelter I volunteer at. She is or was one of the volunteer coordinators and I talked to her a lot after shifts, we both enjoy RPGs. And last time I saw her she said something about not doing the same job anymore but that she will be volunteering at the shelter on certain days and that I might enjoy talking to a new staff member. It just weirds me out.

Another thing sort of connected to the second thing. Just how I don't really know how to navigate crushes/attraction especially after rejection. Its complicated because I don't want to be a creepy jerk, and I tend to overreact to criticism and easily default to self loathing. Between those two issues I often find myself feeling awful about myself and I don't know how to find a healthy mental state. And add in other factors such as a desire to maintain genial relationships, which is the main one that can be adequately explained is a short phrase. And I am tired. And feel like the next complicating factor is less positive. So I will leave this here.