2023-08-29, 07:28 AM (ISO 8601)
Re: Roy Greenray and the Rocket Squadron
Flash Gordon version for the visuals, but actual birdie in character. Gotta go retro!
Originally Posted by Metastachydium
When the comic comes out she can be more birdlike, so long as her, ahhh, 'mamalian features' are prominently displayed. This is 1930's style!
Thank you. I'll see what I can do about continuing the story.
Originally Posted by TaiLiu
Nale: So I presume that you are here for the same reason I am.
Roy: Of course. We're here to kill the evil Technomancer Xykon.
Nale: What? No! That's... No!
Nale: Xykon isn't evil! This isn't an American Western cloaked in medieval fantasy, umm, cloaks! You can't tell the good guys from the bad guys by the color of their hats!
Professor Vaarsuvius: Technically, we are working in a monochromatic medium, so color is an inappropriate word choice. Tone, perhaps, or shade might more correctly describe the point you intended to make.
Nale: Do you get paid by the word, or by the number of times you say something everyone already knows? Anyway, as I was saying... No, wait, know what? Narrator, fill them in on some expository while I tap out a back-beat on my bongos!
Narrator: I really don't know where to begin. Really. I...
Other Narrator: He meant me, idiot. Okay, Long ago in a galaxy far, far away...
Professor Dizztri: *Whispering*
Other Narrator: No, I do not want to be sued by Dizzy studios. Why would George Takei care? Oh, that George. Okay, okay, I get it. IP rights are all they have. I wouldn't want a bunch of millionaires to lose dozens of dollars. Can I continue?
Professor Dizztri: *Whispering*
Other Narrator: Okay, I get it: no plagiarism.
Professor Dizztri: *Whispering*
Other Narrator: Meanwhile...
Narrator: Ooooh! She's so goood!
Belkar: For crap's sake, Crap!
Other Narrator: Once upon a time there was a cult of Moonfolk who looked around and saw meteor craters everywhere. From this they determined that the Universal Truth was that everything should have holes in it. They became quite fanatic on this point, but their cult grew slowly, mostly due to their Inventors being required to build rocketships with holes in them.
Other Narrator: Then one day a fanatical Moonfolk Inventor created a way to put a hole in the veil of space itself, and discovered beyond it the Fifth Dimension! With this Rift Generator he was able to make a hole appear anywhere, but it was his downfall, because beyond these rifts lurked The Creature From The Fifth Dimension™.
Other Narrator: Some time after the Moonfolk Inventor and his henchmen vanished, Soon Kim, a Hero from the Blue Oyster Cult, was honeymooning with his Damsel In Distress bride on one of the Trojan Moons. As they passed the rift that had been created there, The Creature From The Fifth Dimension™ reached out its horrid tentacle and captured her!
Other Narrator: Shocked by this, Soon Kim assembled a band of henchmen and they tracked down the five rifts. Fighting off the Holey Brotherhood who wished to preserve their holy holes, the Gravity Boot Patrol, (as they named themselves,) found ways to reseal the rifts and forever trap The Creature From The Fifth Dimension™ in its own realm.
Other Narrator: So fanatical was his devotion to this cause, Soon Kim forgot to rescue his wife before the deed was done. This lead to some rather heated discussions and might have resulted in a fight, but the party instead chose to each guard one of the seals on the rifts. The one in this asteroid base was defended by the Inventor Dorukon, who created a series of simple, yet interconnected locks to keep people away from his gate.
Narrator: So, umm, do you, like, date? I'm just asking...
Elan: I love the charcoal pencil drawings she made to illustrate the story. Can I keep some of these?
Other Narrator: Are you kidding? Those will sell for a million space credits each at the Wrap Auction. I need something to look forward to; as a class feature I'm not entitled to a share of the loot.
Elan: Narrator, can you do charcoal pencil drawings?
Narrator: Sure. Here's Elan. You can tell by the big dumb smile on his big dumb face. And here's a poop on his head. See the 'stinky' lines?
Elan: That's all you can do? Stick figures and emojis?
Roy: So, how do you guys factor into this?
Nale: Oh, Xykon hired us to kill you. But, as I said, we won't. In fact, you can help us with our true purpose. You see, Professor Dorukon and Dr. Lirian, two of Soon Kim's henchmen, worked together to create the Riftsealer 3000. We're going to use it to repair the rift formerly guarded by Dr. Lirian, now deceased. She let the original seal get destroyed.
Roy: And how is it that you know so much about all of this?
Nale: I talked to Dr. Lirian about it.
Roy: You can Speak With the Dead?
Nale: What? No! That's disgusting!
Roy: Then you knew her before she died?
Nale: No! Are you really that slow?
Dr. Durkon: Liberal Arts degree.
Nale: Ah, okay. No, I didn't meet her when she was alive: Xykon has her head in a pickle jar, hooked up to his Electrical Brain Interconnector. It turns her thought patterns into a sound you can hear. You see, the brain contains a map of every thought ever, umm, thought, and the Interconnector can play it like an 88RPM record. The trick is to create an index of every thought you want so you can figure out just where to drop the needle.
Professor Vaarsuvius: But the brain is multidimensional, so you would need a multidimensional coordinate system...
Professor Dizztri: *whispering* Like the one used to locate and map the dimensional rifts?
Roy: Hold it! Xykon has a head in a jar that talks?
Sabine: This is going to take a while and I really need to lay an egg. Come on, Narrator, let's...
Other Narrator: Not you, me. You stay here with your intellectual peers.
Narrator: Aww man.
Narrator: Twenty-three minutes later...
Roy: Okay, I got it. The Technomancer Xykon and his Moon Minions want to control the rift that was sealed by Professor Dorukon using the Riftsealer 3000, which you want to steal so you can seal the rift that was formerly sealed and guarded by Dr. Lirian, whose head is currently in a pickle jar in Technomancer Xykon's secret laboratory connected to a gizmo that makes it talk.
Roy: I just have one question.
Dr. Durkon: Oh, for the love of my Mother's beard!
Roy: Why didn't Technomancer Xykon use the rift guarded by Dr. Lirian? And what does he want it for anyway? Where is Professor Dorukon now? If Technomancer Xykon and his Moon Minions already control this asteroid base, doesn't he already have what he wants?
Nale: That's more than one question.
Dr. Durkon: Liberal Arts degree.
Professor Vaarsivius: And fifteen years of repeated cranial impacts with pressurized patent leather spheres during his formative years.
Dr. Durkon: That would explain the hallucinations.
Roy: It was an imageizer!
Professor Vasrsivius: And the irritability.
Nale: Okay... Before we get into a rehash of what the audience already knows, let's get this story moving again, shall we?
Nale: Okay, to be clear, each of the three groups goes to their respective control consoles and at the exact same moment we toggle the switch. If we do it right, doors will open into the chamber where the Riftsealer 3000 is hidden. Once we have that, my group will go our way while yours will continue down a short passageway to the Gate Room, where Xykon is working.
Haley: My group is ready.
Sabine: Why does it have to be your group? Leadership shouldn't be determined by age, but by ability!
Haley: I'll ability you, you Size 10...
Roy: Okay, okay, calm down! Let's just get this done. At least my team can work together like civilized folk.
Thog: Thog insulted by callous disregard for Thog's heritage.
Professor Vaarsuvius: Indeed. Let us proceed before the inevitable conflict inherent in our diverse viewpoints has occasion to sunder what cohesion we may muster.
Narrator: So, the joined parties split into three groups of four, not counting the narrators, who can apparently go with whichever group they want...
Other Narrator: Not a chance, bub. You go with your hero, I go with mine!
Narrator: Aww, man.
Haley: The corridor is a bit dark, do you have Dark Vision?
Sabine: Yes, Hawkpeople are known far and wide for their ability to see in the dark.
Haley: How would I know, you sarcastic...
Sabine: You could be a little more culturally aware, Jiggles!
Yuk Yuk: Please calm down! There is no need for a violent confrontation! There is a light switch here. See? The lights are on, now. Shall we continue?
Belkar: I was enjoying that. Why did you have to turn the light on when both of us can see in complete darkness?
Yuk Yuk: My people embrace non-violence and universal empowerment.
Belkar: Two more reasons your species should be extinct.
Haley: Okay, Nale said there would be some vampire bats in the chamber, and that the console was up on a ledge. Vampire bats are tiny, so they shouldn't be any trouble. I have my dart-pistol ready in case any get close. Is everyone else armed?
Sabine: I don't think your dart gun will do much. You might want to consider a weapon that will actually work, like these morning stars that my people use.
Haley: Those things are ten pounds each! How can you fly and carry an extra twenty pounds of gear?
Sabine: It's called diet and exercise. I can carry extra weight around because I don't carry all the extra weight you carry around!
Haley: I'm a perfect size 8! And you don't have a lot of room to fat-shame! If your tail-feathers didn't cover it that butt would create echoes!
Yuk Yuk: Ladies, please! Remember the mission! I have my sonic crossbow ready. Are your weapons ready, Holbytlan?
Belkar: *ka-choom, choom!*
Sabine: The world's tiniest lightsabers?
Belkar: I have to say laser-daggers to avoid copyright infringement.
Haley: Okay, I've got the door unlocked. Let's get in quick and close the door so the little bats don't get loose.
Sabine: Everyone's in! Close the door!
Haley: Really dark in here...
Yuk Yuk: Here's the light switch.
Belkar: Six foot tall anthropomorphic bats!
Bat Leader: We have not been fed in days! Please, free us and...Aaaarg!
Belkar: DIE! DIE! DIE HORRID CREATURES!
Yuk Yuk: Why did you kill them? They were surrendering!
Belkar: Did you learn nothing from the Holbytlan World Wars I-CLVII?
Yuk Yuk: Never surrender to a Holbytlan?
Sabine: Okay, there is the console up there on the ledge. I'll fly up and wait for the signal to toggle the switch. Yuk Yuk will come with me to protect me.
Haley: I'm going with you too.
Sabine: You're too heavy for me to carry you.
Haley: Stop with the fat shaming already! It's not cool!
Sabine: No, I mean my power-to-weight ratio is nearly 1 to 1. I physically can't carry you.
Haley: Then how were you planning to carry Yuk Yuk?
Yuk Yuk: I have wings. *unfurls bat-like wings from his backpack.*
Belkar: How do you think a race of peaceniks survived on my world? The faster they fly, the fewer that die.
*Sabine's armband-radio crackles*
Nale's Voice: Sabine, can you hear me? It's important that you do not allow the human Mechanic to gain access to the control console! Toggle the switch yourself! Nale out.
Haley: So, the plot thickens!
Sabine: Now, Yuk Yuk!
Haley: You won't get away from me! Belkar, hang on! I have Rocket Boots™!
Belkar: Nothing says 'Quality' like the Acme® brand!
Haley: Nothing says amputation like me if you don't hold on elsewhere. Firing Rocket Boots™ now!
Sabine: I can't believe you made it. Might as well help since you're here. There's a thousand switches on this console. Which one is it?
Flying Figure: I can answer that. I'm Celia of the Insect Folk. I'm the Guardian of this console.
Belkar: Guardian? Where were you when we were fighting the Bat-men?
Celia: Are you kidding? Those guys weird me out! Besides, I only weigh 110 pounds, that's just a smidge under 50 kilos for you Hawkfolk, and I don't have a lot of blood to spare.
Nale: I'm glad we got away from the others for a few minutes. Look, I realize that you and I have a lot in common. I think, in fact, that you are my long lost brother!
Elan: Everyone already knows all of that.
Nale: Because narrative structure requires that such similar beings must share a common heritage?
Elan: No. Because in the comic this story was ripped from we're brothers.
Nale: Are we self-aware enough to talk about that in character?
Elan: I don't think so. The director is making the 'move along' signal.
Nale: Okay, then my idea is, you and me team up, take down our father, and take over his empire and it's vast armies. You'll have to lose the bald guy and maybe the redhead, but the rest of your team will probably fit in nicely with my team.
Elan: I don't know, I'll have to talk it over with Roy.
Nale: What? You... Have you been listening to me at all?
Elan: Listening? Yes. Comprehending? Ahhh...
Dr. Hilgya: So, are you fully functional?
Dr. Durkon: I am 100% capable of all physical activities.
Dr. Hilgya: I meant in matters of love.
Dr. Durkon: My heart has been replaced with a PumpMaster 650. It has an expansion slot for 128 G of emotional programming.
Dr. Hilgya: Okay, we're getting closer.
Lava Creature: We are the guardians of this compartment. What is the password?
Dr. Hilgya: Aqueous Film Forming Foam.
Lava Creature: That isn't the password. Lava Minions Attack!
Dr. Hilgya: That wasn't the password! It was just a command to my mainframe fire suppression system.
Other Narrator: Dr. Hilgya explodes in a wave of chemical foam designed to engulf and extinguish flame. It washes over the Lava Creatures, turning them into crude statues of black basalt.
Dr. Durkon: That was amazing!
Dr. Hilgya: *smiles*
Nale: Okay, the console is right over here.
Elan: Eww, what is that on the floor?
Nale: Some kind of fire-bug. I killed it while you were watching the Cyborgs flirt.
Elan: That's eeww too.
Nale: Okay, when I give the signal you push that big switch up.
Roy: That Nale is a piece of work, isn't he? Arrogant, condescending, and dismissive all at once. I don't know why, but I don't trust him. He's obviously related to Elan, and Elan is a buffoon's goiter. Am I conflating Nale with Elan because of a superficial similarity of appearance? What do you think?
Thog: Thog like puppies.
Thog: Nale say Thog not responsible. Thog plenty responsible.
Roy: Well, a puppy is a big responsibility. When considering adopting a pet, you should think through not just the parts you like, but the parts you don't like too.
Thog: Thog think about lots. Thog not like liver.
Roy: Liver? You don't want a puppy to eat, do you?
Thog: Stuff garlic and onion, roast over willow fire! Mm. Gravy and rice on side. Oooh! Ooooh! Sweet and sour! That best puppy.
Roy: Nale seems wiser by the moment.
Professor Vaarsuvius: I would entertain the idea of sharing blueprints, so that both of our arsenals are enhanced.
Professor Drizzit: *whispering* I don't use blueprints.
Professor Vaarsuvius: How do you assemble and deploy your inventions when your party needs them?
Professor Drizzit: *whispering* I have a memory crystal. It can store up to thirty-one design schematics for my immediate retrieval.
Professor Vaarsuvius: My notebooks contain fourty-four discrete design schematics, and there is room to fill in the empty pages when I create a new invention or borrow someones' blueprints to make a copy.
Professor Drizzit: *whispering* Must weigh a ton.
Professor Vaarsuvius: More like eight kilograms.
Professor Drizzit: *whispering* My Memory Crystal weighs less than one kilo, leaving me seven kilos available for extra batteries.
Professor Vaarsuvius: Can I test your Memory Crystal to learn how to duplicate it?
Professor Drizzit: *whispering* No.
Professor Vaarsuvius: I promise...
Professor Drizzit: *whispering* Just, 'No.'
Roy: Insect grubs!
Thog: Fun time!
Narrator: The Barbarian Anti-Hero wades into a room filled with some sort of giant grubs and... oh! That's disgusting... ugh! I'm going to hurl! Oh gods, he did it again! Excuse me! I... arrralph! Uh, uh, uh, uhhhhhhgh! Urrruuph! Huh, huh, huh... BLAAARGH!
Feminine Voice: Congratulations, Hero, you... airee! Oh sweet merciful... Aaaaah! Gluk, gak, gak.
Thog: Way is clear. Thog push lever down now.
Roy: Don't be an idiot, it is already in the down position. It must go up.
Roy: Okay, you win. Push it up.
Thog: Thog never win argument with Nale! Now Thog susp... spishu... supidhish... Thog think something not right. You do switch! That way it your fault!
Roy: I know when I am beaten. I will do as you say.
Narrator: Three doors open simultaneously and three groups step out onto small platforms overlooking a circular moat of sorts, filled with what appear to be copyrighted robots.
Elan: And androids! There's a Nimrod and a Norman! A Rob, a Robby, and a Rob Ott! Oooh, look! A mint condition Nomad! And I don't know if that one is a Dalek or if he's just happy to see us!
Roy: Okay, enough. We're already plagiarizing a real author's work. We don't want to be sued for copyright infringement. Though that sleek model there with the Hencho En Mexico trademark looks to be quality merchandise. Maybe we can reskin it and call it a Mender Unit.
Quality Robot: Screw you, meatbag! I don't need you! All I need is flapjacks and hookers, and I can do without the flapjacks!
Narrator: A member of the team lead by Haley appears to be missing. No, his head is here, and it appears to be being used by the Holbytlan to contain popcorn.
Belkar: What? Everyone knew he had to die, and that I would be the one to do him the favor. Besides, I really needed a popcorn bowl. You should'a heard those two going at it! I wish we'd have had a Narrator along to take notes!
Roy: Belkar! We're going to have a 'talk' about this!
Belkar: Using your fingers to make quotation marks is kind of confusing. But at least I have a popcorn bowl to hold back the munchies while you vainly attempt to make me care.
Other Narrator: Nale rushes across the bridge from his platform to the central island.
Haley: Everyone! The console has a Defensive Screen button! Catch him now before he can erect it!
Narrator: All of the members of both parties stream across the bridges to the central platform!
Belkar: I was expecting a joke there.
Narrator: Premature for that one, I think.
Other Narrator: Nale toggles some switches and types in a code on the console, and in the center of the circular island a cylinder rises from the floor. Nale opens the compartment door on the cylinder and removes a copper skullcap rimmed with tiny colored lights and an array of antennae connected at their tips by fine coils of copper.
Nale: Now that I possess the Kipa of Dorukon I can control all of the robots, automatons, androids, and mechanical men belonging to other IPs! I am awesome! I am invincible! I AM THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!
Sabine: Defense screen up! Red Squad, move out!
Other Narrator: Nale hugs Sabine and she flies away while Professor Drizzit and Thog mount a Scootie-Puff® inflatable flying scooter and follow. Oh, no! It looks like Haley is trying to aim her dart gun!
Narrator: Roy! This is no time to be viewing your imagizer!
Eugene's Image: When the goat flies shoot red!
Roy: G.O.A.T. Greatest Of All Time! Sorry, Haley, but Dad said I have to shoot you.
Narrator: Roy fires his family heirloom ray-gun at his own team member!
Other Narrator: I'm hit!
Narrator: There is the sound of a precious body hitting the deck, and what can only be described as a 'shiv' clatters to the ground.
Other Narrator: I failed to 'shank the skank,' and now as I lay dying in a pool of invisible blood, my head cradled in the Narrator's lap... That better be a Bic Lighter® in your pocket... Haley is free to take her shot.
Nale: Behold the power of the Kipa! Robots, androids, and other assorted autonomous mechanical devices! Kill all intelligent beings...
Narrator: Haley's dart gun fires, and it's missile impacts the technological headgear, knocking it from Nale's head to fall into the moat.
Quality Robot: Ha! Shows you! I was going to kill you all anyway, but now I can only kill the intelligent ones. Nah, I'm too lazy, I'll just go find a hooker-bot.
The Crushinator: He's so sexy! I think I have a crush on him!
A Gold-Skinned Android With A Large Nose: I believe that is the Kipa of Dorukon you currently have a crush on. And my left foot. Certainly my left foot.
Haley: I can't believe it!
Roy: I'm sorry, Haley, but Dad said I had to do it.
Haley: What are you talking about?
Roy: I don't know, what are you talking about?
Haley: Oh, Sabine lied to me and I fell for it! Power to weight ratio my...
Roy: Oh, good! I mean, sorry, Haley.
Professor Vaarsuvius: It appears that our primary adversary escaped, minus his Class Feature, but I did not witness their Cyborg companion among them. What happened to her?
Narrator: Hang on just a little longer, my sweet angel! Doctor Durkon has something that will heal your ghastly wound!
Belkar: Don't hold your breath waiting.
Roy: Belkar! What do you know that you aren't telling us?
Belkar: My caramel corn recipe, but you can't have it.
Roy: About the missing Cyborgs?
Belkar: Oh, they fell into the pit. When the hot chick with feathers hit the button they were where the electrical barrier was. They were electrocuted then fell to a grizzly death in the moat filled with robots who had just been ordered to kill all intelligent beings.
Roy: Doctor Durkon! Can you hear me?
Narrator: No answer! All is lost! Goodbye, my one true love!
Other Narrator: Okay, first off, stop touching me. Second, I don't love you, I loathe you, and with every word you utter I loathe you more. Third, you're nothing to look at, and fourth, you are a horrible Narrator!
Narrator: I know you speak from pain, my love!
Other Narrator: What pain? I can't feel a thing.
Roy: Is there anything we can do? Call a loved one? Observe a ritual for the dying?
Other Narrator: Just leave my body by a door so people can trip over my invisible corpse.
Professor Vaarsuvius: Is this an act of cultural significance to your people?
Other Narrator: No, but it will be funny.
Last edited by brian 333; 2023-09-10 at 05:44 PM.