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    Ettin in the Playground
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Imladris
    Gender
    Male

    biggrin Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    I don't have time right now to interact much, but I just want to say that this is a beautiful thread filled with beautiful people that I will be interacting with and that this is now subscribed to.

    Once I come up with the idea for a shortish story, I'll post somethin'. For now later, I'll just critique.


    Critique of Onami's Greeting:
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    Well, I did like it, I must admit. However, there was one stumbling block for me - the alternating lines were somewhat confusing, enough so that I had to read it several times to get what you were trying to say.

    But I agree that it is exceptionally done, especially the ending. It gives off a strong vibe of being from another culture entirely.


    Neko Tales:
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    The major criticism I have here is that after reading the first four pages, I don't really know the main character. Yes, she's a catgirl. Yes, she has very cat-like instincts and wants to be free. Aaaaand... that's about all I know about her and her personality. Also, some of the dialog seems stilted, especially in the third chapter, and it seems to be moving at a rather rushed pace.

    And I dislike the way you used the flashbacks to give her backstory, especially the second one, as it didn't even have the redeeming little flashes into how she thinks and acts the first one possessed. It's a pretty obvious infodump, and it might be better to, instead of flashbacking, seed her history through the story. Have her tell Marcone a little bit about her life - have her remember small things, not everything the reader needs to know at once.

    But, I'll echo the sentiments of previous critiques - the story has some potential, and the villain is very well done. Keep writing it!


    And I'll read Vasty and Bruno after writin' some of m' own stuff up.
    Last edited by Raz_Fox; 2009-09-18 at 08:08 AM.
    freedom in the flame

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    Quote Originally Posted by PhoeKun View Post
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    Great, and now I'm imagining what Raz's profile on a dating site would look like. "Must be okay with veils."
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