1. - Top - End - #52
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kallisti's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jun 2009

    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by banjo1985 View Post
    Critique: Mask Masque by Kallisti
    Spoiler
    Show

    I couldnít pass up the chance to critique a complete piece on here.

    I find thisÖintriguing, is probably the best word for it. Itís quite a jarring and confusing read, but a pretty effective one. As a reader I was left feeling rather dislocated and strange, so as a piece to stir feeling within the reader itís very effective. The concept of the masks and not knowing your own true face, let alone anyone elseís is interesting, and lends itself to a short reflective piece such as this. Itís quite a unique piece of work, and a style that Iím really not used to reading, so kudos for writing something thatís stuck in my mind.

    Now for a few criticisms I guess. Some of the Ďmasksí get more of a scene, a story, than the others, and while the paragraphs for each mask become longer as the piece goes on, it makes the pacing seem a little off to me. The scene with the boy getting a knife between his ribs just doesnít sit well with the rest of the paragraph, though itís written quite well. Iím not sure where the names for the masks come from, but theyíre quite grandiose, Iíd be interested to learn more about that.

    Iím really struggling to properly critique this piece, I think because it is so strange and disconcerting. It seems to be an introspective piece to make the reader think, and as that it works very well. Personally Iíd like to see some of your longer more prose-y (new word!) work, to see how your writing style ports over to that medium, because I think it could make for some pleasantly uncomfortable storytelling. Thatís a good thing, by the way
    Thanks.

    Yeah, the order of the masks was one thing I was planing to revise, but I saw all the free slots vanishing and I don't have enough time right now to read and properly appreciate pretty much any piece, so I put something in while I could.

    The masks are from the Commedia dell'Arte, the Italian stock characters. I wanted to have another take on a lot of them--anyone as shut-in and obsessive as I would have thought my treatments of many of the masks a great irony. One which I suppose will go unappreciated, since all of seventeen people on this continent would get it. Such is the curse of obsession with the esoteric and irrelevant.

    Thank you, about the writing style. I usually write horror, then dispose of it because it's hard to write good horror. One thing I really want to avoid is the 'blood-and-guts show' kind of horror. If all I've got going for my writing is how well I can describe grisly bits of meat flying from the chainsaw blade, I'm not an artist. It's nice to hear that my story makes people think. That's what I wanted it to do...

    ...Critiques of other people's pieces are coming, I swear! I just have so much to do, and so little time...

    EDIT: You know what? i have some time right now, I might as well get started. Here goes...

    Critique: "Onami's Greeting" by Tequila Sunrise
    Spoiler
    Show
    I like it. It does a very good job capturing the tribal feel. It's like a call-and-response ritual. Very nice...the transition between Onami and the hands and his warriors (or that's how I read it) talking about the gods feels kind of awkward, though. I'm not sure I see the connection, and it's a little jarring. Also, why did you name it Onami's Greeting? I don't quite get that, although that may be me just being clueless.

    Still, a good poem. If you don't mind, I'll steal it for one of my games. There's a tribe of barbarians on the frozen northern isle, and the poem would give a nice feeling of a detailed mythology. Is there more on Onami? Is he a character you've created and fleshed out? Or is the poem meant to stand alone?
    Last edited by Kallisti; 2009-11-23 at 06:04 PM.
    "Once upon a time, a story was never finished..."