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    Bugbear in the Playground
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    I'm back, and I come bearing critiques! I kind of let them build up, I see . . .

    Critique: "The Dream-Singer, a classic weird tale" by GolemsVoice

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    As someone who absolutely hates moths to begin with (they're just so fluttery and in the way . . .) this had a pretty nice effect on me.

    Anyway, I like the style of the story, it matches the theme very well. As the story goes on, the style becomes more and more vague as Thomas slips into the dream world more and more.

    My only major criticism would be that it's a bit longer and more verbose than it needs to be in some parts. There's no real conflict in the story, so it might help to shorten up some parts to keep your reader's interest.

    Also, watch out for run-on sentences, and sentences that just don't flow well. Especially in the first couple of paragraphs, there are some sentences that are either too long or are simply a little jarring.

    Overall, though it was a nice story, and I think you really nailed the tone you were looking for in it - a kind of creepy, surreal sort of sense.


    Critique of Rutskarn's Vatsy and Bruno

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    First of all, I love this story. It's just so insanely ridiculous, but it's treated quite seriously - that is to say, the sheer absurdity isn't drawn out and used for laughs in and of itself. Overall the writing style was good and the humor was pretty much always spot-on (for me, anyway). It is indeed reminiscent of Terry Pratchett.

    The opening and the ending are both very good, and I liked them a lot - the rejection letter does a nice job of setting up the story and informing the reader exactly what type of story this is going to be. The ending, well . . . the ending was simply a perfect way to wrap things up in keeping with the rest of the story, and it was hilarious.

    The way that the bounty hunter was portrayed throughout the story was absolutely fantastic.

    The only thing I might suggest is cutting down a bit on the description in the beginning, but as the narrative is in itself quite amusing and really does do a good job of setting up the scene, it's not really a huge problem. As well, some parts may need to be polished up - nothing in particular, just cleaning up your style a bit, smoothing out some of the rougher parts. The only way to do that is to write more. Write lots more, and then post it all here, because this story was absolutely amazing.


    I have read some more of the stories here, but their critiques will come later. And I'm going for the entire "Go to bed *before* midnight" approach tonight, so hopefully this post was a bit clearer than my last one . . .
    Last edited by Helanna; 2009-09-23 at 09:57 PM.