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    Kallisti's Avatar

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    Jun 2009

    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Quote Originally Posted by Zolkabro View Post
    Critique of This Was My Dream


    I loved it, I really did. Usually I find that just writing about wondering what to write about a rather cheeky and lazy way to get out of writing a story, but this worked perfectly, and I found it just as good as a proper narrative plot that a story might have. Good job!
    Am I right in assuming that italics are thoughts and speech, and non-italics are the narrative bits or what he is writing? That is what it seemed like, and if so then there is a little bit where that does not fit. You wrote: "It was a dark and stormy night. Do you know why that’s become a cliché? It was good enough to keep being used. Because the weather has a sense of humor, perhaps. Anyway, cliché or not, it was true." and I think that what would have made more sense is "It was a dark and stormy night. Do you know why that’s become a cliché? It was good enough to keep being used. Because the weather has a sense of humor, perhaps. Anyway, cliché or not, it was true." Sorry if I am wrong, but that bit seemed a little confusing and this seemed like the only explanation I could think of.
    I also enjoyed the various references to common clichés that writing tends to veer towards no matter how hard you veer it away, and I also liked that first paragraph with the grumpy writer complaining about what he had to do.
    I also think you ended it well - that last line kept us geussing. Do you have in mind what you thought he should wirte about? Because I think that it would have made a very good rigmarole, and the thing he wrote in the end was our story.


    Thanks. I wasn't certain if it would work or not, or if it would come across as laziness.

    The "thought" about the weather having a sense of humor was being presented by the narrator of the nascent story-within-a-story and not a character, so I had thought it was left unitalicized. I could be wrong about the mechanics of that.

    I'm surprised that people didn't get the real joke, though. When he finally knew what to write, he'd decided he'd write a story about not knowing what to write--the story he later submitted. That's why I threw in the framework of the actual challenge and mentioned GITP--so that people would see that it wasn't just a story about not knowing what to write, it was the story of itself being written. Apparently I didn't get that point across, since you're not the only one to ask. So now I can't help but wonder where I went wrong there.

    Also, to celebrate my being able to return after my internet finally began working again, I think I'll start critiquing the stories I've been meaning to get around to, beginning with

    The Dream-Singer by GolemsVoice

    I like your writing style a lot. Your story was very articulate, and had that wonderful, sedate attention to detail. Your descriptions are very vivid, your diction varied, and you did a very good job setting the right tone.

    That said, many of your sentences gave the impression of being run-ons despite being perfectly good grammatical constructs because your writing is flooded with commas. Drowning in them. You really, really need to branch out into dashes and semicolons.

    As for the story, it was well-titled: a classic weird tale. It worked pretty well in terms of plot and story, although I think that with a note postmortem to the protagonist's death you ought to provide some sort of framing. Perhaps the note was written by the mortician, or one of the police investigators, or someone. It just needs a little more context than "NOTE."

    I don't really have a lot else to say. Beautifully written, but really needs some new ways of separating ideas--dashes are your friends. It does say good things about your story that the only problem I felt worth stressing was mechanical. Your pacing felt a bit off--I got the impression you were trying to rush in places to convey Thomas' sense of urgency and had picked the wrong places, which just gave the overall impression of being a bit rushed.
    Last edited by Kallisti; 2010-05-20 at 05:34 PM.
    "Once upon a time, a story was never finished..."