Critique of Untitled Steampunkish Story by DSCrankshaw
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As I was reading Professor Grason's speech the first thing that came to mind was too much exposition. But then as I read on and read it again, I found it nice. Sure it could use a little work but I think you should keep it.

Now whereas the first part is good, the second part seems cliché. From reading it, it seems to me that story will be the same old main character is thought to be the killer but then eventually proves his innocence. I’m probably wrong but that’s what it seems like and if it wasn’t for the first part I probably wouldn’t read the rest.



Critique of Untitled Story by Tira-chan
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Immediately I noticed that the first four paragraphs can be cut. It’s a massive block, and I feel you would be better served by breaking it up and seeding different pieces somewhere into the story.

Reading further: You use too much exposition, too much telling and not showing. I mean nothing happens until you get to the ninth paragraph.

[“Liam!” it snapped at him from the region of his middle, accompanied by a beleaguered-looking young elf, burdened with several oversized bags and a look of utter weariness.]

This is an awkward sentence.


Critique of Raz Fox’s Story
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I’m not a fan of exposition, especially right of the bat. Perhaps trimming it down?

We get that Cinders is stupid, you don’t have to constantly repeat it.

I’m also not a fan of laundry list descriptions. I think descriptions works better if they’re integrated instead of blocked off. If a description can't be integrated then it's probably not worth mentioning.

The action parts are okay.

The dialogue is okay save for the last one.

Maybe: “But you don't have proof, because then you would have gone to the police. Either you can't tell who or you have no way of striking at who you suspect.” He shook his head. “I have to protect a lot of citizens already, miss. I'll do what I can, but I have duties of my own to attend to.”

I liked it. It needs improvement but I'm interested to see where it goes.