1. - Top - End - #164
    Ettin in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jul 2007

    Default Re: Playground Writers Workshop (Read 1st Post)

    Critique of Inner Demons, by Banjo1985

    It's good, quite good, but needs some work.

    I really liked the world-building aspect of the story. I liked the discussion of demons, their hierarchies, their habits and the hint at "Gates." The flavour is great very Dresden Files-esque. The plot is also good and holds a lot of promise. I'm interested to see where it goes.

    The writing is good, but I think you're trying a little hard to be descriptive. You need to be a bit more succinct. Try to be descriptive, but try to consider why some of these details are necessary and trim some of the fat.

    Your weakest point is characterization. I don't really get a sense of what this Pewter is all about. The girl who got killed, well, she's a plot device at best, but Pewter is the main character. I got more of a sense of Longing's character.

    I think you miss a few opportunities to give a sense of what's going through the man's head. Here's an example: he's kneeling over a torn-up girl and examining her thigh for a scar. At the very least I'd be feeling like a pervert, or make a dark joke about how this wasn't how I pictured myself peeling back some college girl's knickers. That's an opportunity for a spot of black comedy there.

    There was also the odd grammatical error, but those happen. Anyways, hope that helps.
    Last edited by FoE; 2010-07-28 at 02:22 PM.