Well, I'll give a critique a try, and if I give enough critiques a try then maybe I'll give a story a try.

Critique of Raz Fox's Story
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The first thing I'll say is that something about it irked me from the start, and I'm still trying to put my finger on it. I think that my problem is that your choice of words keeps changing: we go from one paragraph full of long, Romance words, including one that I didn't know (and that's a rarity in literature), and the next slips sideways into more or less standard English. In my opinion, that's less than desirable.

Your turn of phrase is a little odd, but that could just be me. When I see "The first was..." I expect to see something about the second, for instance, and your choice of five years as opposed to "years" or "forever" was strange. Still, I'm probably just being picky.

Another point that jumped out at me was that when you describe Cinder's attempt to run away, it took me a few minutes to work out that it was his retreat that failed, not his revenge. Again, it's a matter of word choice: "And he would have made it, too..." would have indicated more clearly what was meant.

Now, the reason that I'm focusing solely on the bad is that it's the bad that stands out of a good story. All of that is really editing, and the story itself is (in my opinion) quite interesting. It's not a standalone, but I honestly wanted to keep reading it, and it felt half-open at the end so that although it's clear that the prologue is over, it's equally clear that it's just the prologue that's over. Essentially, your story and structure is good, but I think you need to pay a tiny bit more attention to your editing.