I've been hanging around the Something Awful forums lately, so I feel the need to critique your LP. Your writing is good, but that's not so much the problem:

  • We came to this thread to see screenshots of a video game. You don't need to hide them. Use one spoiler, put the entire update in it and put the screenshots in between the text where they are now. People are lazy and would much rather click once rather than seven times in a single update. Trust me, it will really improve the flow.
  • Your screenshots themselves need some work. This is a game that runs at a very high resolution, and simply shrinking full-screen shots makes everything too small. Crop out anything that the reader shouldn't be immediately looking at, like the HUD. The two shots you have from the in-game cutscenes are probably the best, because they are clear and focused. Try to make all your screenshots look like that. If you crop your pictures, then you might not have to resize them at all, so you're not necessarily doing more work all the time. It's more of a trade-off.
  • What exactly happened at the end there? Was that the end of the mission? Or did you just end the update there? Assume you are showing this game to people who have never played the game (such as me). I realize you're doing this in-character, but it's kind of hard to tell what's going on. Maybe some OOC comments end of the update would be helpful.
  • Seven screenshots isn't much for an update. There's no real rule of thumb for it, but if I'm running an LP that isn't directly dependent on the reader's actions, then I try to fit at least 20 screenshots per update.

Not to discourage you or anything, but like I said, I've been lurking around Something Awful for the past couple weeks. These kinds of rules are becoming ingrained into my mind. There have a harsh quality control on their LPs down there, but it pays off. There's a lot of good threads. I'm just trying to help, even if it seems like I'm picking on you. You're a moderator. That wouldn't be very smart.

Also, I realized as I was writing this: Perhaps we should have a "Let's Play Rules" thread for this forum? We do tend to have quite a few of them and it might be a useful tool for people considering them.