If you were an NPC...

[Ponce]

You have what they want. What they NEED. What they are willing to travel to the ends of the world over, beat back demonic hordes, sacrifice life and limb... You can dispense sidequest experience points. You have the all too holy quest item. You know where the coveted Noun of Proper Noun is hidden.

You are an NPC.

What do you do? Do you send the PCs on endless fetch quests? Do you neglect to mention the template-ridden baddie guarding their precious quest artifact? Do you form up some rabble to run them out of town? Are you the town sheriff, with your watchful eye on these new tumbleweeds that have come rolling into YOUR town? The local cleric all too happy to patch them up for a modest donation? Or did you just lift their purses?

Me? I'd try to establish a local monopoly on discout Identify castings.

What about the rest of you? What would the campaign notes say about you?

[Hal]

"Great adventurers, your presence is most welcome, as I have need of your services. To the north lies a vast temple filled with bountiful treasure. You must go to the Temple of Walmart, as it is known, and retrieve for me a tube. You will know which it is, for it will be labeled 'Colgate.' Be warned, for the dreaded sect of Cashiers guard the exits, demanding you forfeit your gold in order to leave with the artifacts. Do this for me, and you will be rewarded with $5."

[Athaniar]

Relevant comic.

[Another_Poet]

I would wear a tunic with "Loyalty Rating: High!" emblazoned on the front, and carry a banner that reads "Not a Traitor!" in huge letters. Additionally I'd hire a porter to stand beside me with an " <- I'm with Loyal " tunic.

[FMArthur]

I would give out dangerous missions for a fee. They do it for entertainment, gain oh-so-valuable XP, and have great adventures. So I will charge them to go on quests for me. It's not like they won't find loot on the quest. C'mon, they want to go on adventures more than I need them to.

[Waspinator]

Eastmost peninsula is the secret!

....


*Sigh*

Times are tough.

[SurlySeraph]

I stay out of their way. Especially when they´re in the tavern.

[Arachu]

I would charge newbies 100g to cast low-level spells. Sounds like a bargain, doesn't it? -snicker-

Hey, I'll cast Cure Light Wounds on you, free of charge. I just need a... Nominal hazard fee

[MammonAzrael]

I'd set up a Magic Item Wal-Mart^TM. Because somehow, those places either never get robbed/looted, or their owners are DM-crazy strong.

[Falconer]

I would be the BBEG, of course. Innumerable hordes of mooks who'll do whatever you say, a massive amount of class levels, an evil lair, AND evil laughter and monologueing? Sign me up...

[Assassin89]

Require the PCs to dance for the item. Better if it is this particular dance

[SoD]

An NPC, ya say? I'd be that epic level N commoner/hexblade 3/rogue 2. Roghly 30th level, with vow of poverty/peace/nonviolence. The guy who knows everybody in the metropolis.

[Blue Ghost]

I would allow the PC wizard to copy from my vast library of spellbooks. For a price, of course.

[chiasaur11]

I'd make up insane rumors and charge the PCs for them.

And then hint I knew the location of a treasure, but didn't write it down, so they wouldn't kill me afterwards. And tell them it was in a location I knew a Red Dragon lived at.

[Rei_Jin]

I'm the NPC that is employed as the Level N+7 (where N is the maximum level of the PCs) foil to the PCs for when they decide to overstep their boundaries and try to take over the town/kill the benevolent king/not do the quest/anything else that upsets the DM

[Kris Strife]

Dispense either wise, but generally useless advice or completely nonsensical things, trying to convince the PCs my ramblings have some hidden meaning.

Or get one of my friends and pretend to have a meaningful conversation repeating the same lines to each other.

[MickJay]

I'd always charge full price for the items and services I sell, even if the PCs were about to defend my city against some attack. If they're such heroes, they can fight with that +1 stuff and after they'll get reward for winning, they'll appreciate all the +2 and +3 things they can finally afford even more.

[chiasaur11]

I'd always charge full price for the items and services I sell, even if the PCs were about to defend my city against some attack. If they're such heroes, they can fight with that +1 stuff and after they'll get reward for winning, they'll appreciate all the +2 and +3 things they can finally afford even more.

Or they kill you.

Some PCs would do that.

[MickJay]

I have the "rocks fall" insurance.

[Berserk Monk]

I'd immediately tell the PCs my name and background. I'm not turning into a nameless NPC that dies five minutes and is forgotten. None of my shirts are red.

[GolemsVoice]

Well, since you're effectively living out some people's fantasy, I would make myself dear to the players, for on their whim I live, and, more important, I die.
So, I wouldn't annoy my benefactors with stupid dialogue, random, annoying quirks, or a dangerous location. Even if they would never kill me outright, they ARE the ones supposed to rescue people and save towns, and I don't want them chasing after some random maiden in peril when the dragon decides he's hungry.

[BobVosh]

If I was the identify-bot wizard npc I would have a resetting grease trap everywhere. Cuz its funny.

Also I would scry returning sorcerers & other such high charisma, and sell nudey illusions to the townfolks.

[edcalaban]

Same thing I did in a game of Risus: sell various items adventurers want/need (all cursed/poisoned creatively if possible), then inform bandits when the adventurers are on the way, repurchase the equipment for cheap, continue.

Everyone wins!

[Assassin89]

Be as helpful to the PCs as possible so that the world doesn't end.

[Deepblue706]

I'd help the PCs with anything that doesn't involve any of the following:

1) Leaving town
2) Going into basements, alleys, or other dark and secluded areas
3) Fighting things
4) Meeting them in taverns
5) Buying things from them
6) Letting them into my house
7) Letting them near my things

[FMArthur]

Invent magic items! PCs have very strict limitations on what they can make. NPCs are for some reason totally unrestricted by those limitations and frequently make unique magic items.

[chiasaur11]

Having unexplained invulnerability is popular too.

I am totally doing that.

[MickJay]

Having unexplained invulnerability is popular too.

I am totally doing that.

Ah, you must have the coveted status of a key NPC, good show.

Also, if I met PCs at the beginning of their adventure, I'd give them a few simple tasks (paint a house, fertilize a field with manure, clean the privy) so they would be able to gain some money for basic equipment. If they ever come back, I'd treat them in exactly the same way, regardless of their new wealth and status (extra points for convincing them that the insulting behaviour is unintentional).

[Mercenary Pen]

I'd be the guy with the splash of rogue going around setting all the plot-hook traps.

I'd also impersonate the PC's skill-monkey and start a lot of fights in the local taverns.

[Roderick_BR]

I'd own an inn, and would be rich charging gold coins for drinks that costs a few cooper pieces, since most adventurers, especially ones used to videogames, thinks that gold pieces if the most basic monetary currency in D&D games.
I'd also be one of those unkillable NPCs, because I don't have a damage system/HP/have a lazy DM, and my inn would be indestructible for the same reason. (of course, plot-related destruction/death are still there... but whatever)