Best in-game quotes

[yilduz]

I realize these threads move through the boards pretty quickly, but this has always been one of my favorite types of topics in a role playing forum.

What are some of the best in-game quotes you've said or heard in your tabletop games?

I think one of my favorites came from a game of BESM d20 with my friends. One of the players loved defects. It was probably his favorite part of character creation, but the bane of his characters in-game. The DM often went out of his way to make this players defects work against him as often as possible because this player was always trying to find a way to "beat the system."

Anyway, one of the things he always used to say is "girl magnet shouldn't be a defect. That should be an attribute. I'd pay points to have that!" So, needless to say, he always took that defect for maximum points. It didn't always end up being a nuisance for him, but there were always great jokes that came from it. The best being a time the DM told him a half-elf was very interested in him.

DM: The next morning, you wake up and reach over to feel the fur of your mate from the night before.
PC: Fur?!? I thought you said she was a half elf!!
DM: Yeah, but I didn't tell you what the other half was.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

This one was from my last D&D game in the campaign we were in. My paladin, the last Ordained Champion of Heironeous, had just singlehandedly beaten Gardante, the half-fiend blackguard who was the son of his recently deceased archnemesis, the succubus Malacasta. I personally requested the opportunity to make a pithy speech before I killed him, and the DM granted it. This is what my paladin, Sir Georg Redcrosse, said:

"It's over Gardante. Your mother put up more of a fight than you. Look around you. My friends and I, we are among the greatest men and women to walk the face of Thule. We have stared down the Tarrasque, the greatest of all beasts, and slain it. When the stories of our valor this day are told, you will be only a footnote in history, remembered as just another broken corpse upon the battlefield. How does that make you feel?"

And then I cut him in half.

[Hunter Noventa]

This campaign is still going, but we had a very epic battle that started with my fighter (a spunky sixteen year old girl with two axes) being thrown into a chapel to stop a premature coronation. After charging up to the princess and batting down a half-dozen guards this exchange occurs-

Evil Prime Minister: Who the hell are you?!
My Character: *levels axe in his direction* I am Saya Saeron, the axe that smites evil! The princess is coming with me.

Yes, I have been playing Super Robot Wars, why do you ask?

[Oracle_Hunter]

One came from a 4E game where I was playing an Elven Cleric. We had just busted into an Evil Cultist Lair and discovered that everyone was dead. Curious, I cast Speak With Dead on their leader and had the following exchange.

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Me: Who was it that killed you?
Cultist: Why should I tell you?
Me: *beat* We're on a mission from God.

Interestingly enough, that was actually a true statement - the DM gave me a nice bonus on the subsequent Diplomacy roll

Now, the most amusing came from a 3.5E game I was running.

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The party had been struggling against a Cult of the Great Deceiver without knowing that they were dealing with anyone aside from a minor crime boss. Eventually they began getting a clue and realized that, for some reason, the Cultists were targeting a representitive of the Green River Trading Company; they followed that up with a stakeout at the inn the representative was staying at and they managed to capture one of the Cultists for interrogation.

They hauled her into the courthouse and isolated her in a remote room and prepped her for interrogation. They had a cleric with them, so they set up a convoluted system involving a Zone of Truth and multiple Commands to get the truth out of her. Since they knew they would have to let her go in the morning, they only were going to have one chance with this.

So, after all that preparation, they get ready to ask her their first question - it could have been "who else do you work with" or "who do you work for" or "what is your plan?"

But, to the horror of the rest of the party, the Cleric straightens up, and asks the following: "What do you know about the Green River Trading Company?"

It was hilarious at the time, trust me

That was also the game where one of the players decided that every Bardic Knowledge roll required the information to be delivered via song. He made up quite a ditty about the Green River Trading Company after that encounter

[Narmoth]

We're a bunch of anti-heroes on an epic quest to save the world.
The group consist of:
Ex-blackguard turned good looking for cheep booze and expensive hookers
CN Assassin on the kings payroll
LN Half Dragon Cleric on his way to extraordinary wealth.

Now, being antiheroes, we often get in conflict with all and any power structures in the places we visit, thus our moto have become:
"why does no nobody ever like us?"

First time it came up after we exposed the good king of the North poles wife to be an evil dragon, nearly killed her, and threatened everyone in the castle with immense violence. We didn't get any shinies from the king.

Then we had to escape the forces of our own king, after returning his kidnapped princess because the paladins of the realm were after the Aura of Evil-clad blackguard

And then we went to vashar-land, where everyone tries to kill us...

[kentma57]

See the link in my sig... It wins.

[SillyBee]

2nd Edition Forgotten Realms game.

We're traveling in the Dales in a wood known for recent 'shadowy' activity by beings from underground. Obviously Drow, complete with hand crossbows that have darts with sleeping poison.

So our dwarven cleric states that before he decides to go to sleep, he's going to make a donation to the wood, make sure its properly watered.

The DM nods and rolls a few dice behind the screen. A small smile plays on his lips, as he realizes that a player has fallen for the trap...somewhat unwittingly.

However in his excitement, the DM fails to...express himself without walking into a player trap.

DM: So Player, what does your cleric do?
Player: He goes out into the surrounding darkness to relieve himself, before settling down to sleep
DM: *devious grin, rolling of dice*
Player: *mimes going through the actions of dropping trough and grabbing the appropriate tool for proper aim against the tree*
DM: *without looking up from his DM screen* As you are relieving yourself, you feel a small prick...
Player: *without missing a beat, and in a perfectly overplayed, rolling Scottish accent* That be a hell of a thing ta say, Laddie! Have ya been lookin'?!

At this point the DM looks up in slowly dawning horror as he realizes his poor word choice and the effect it has on the players. Fifteen fruitless minutes pass before we are all able to stop laughing and poking fun at the situation.

Classic stuff.

B

[Tar Palantir]

In a campaign I just finished DMing, one of the players was a particularly deadly sorcerer/elemental savant specializing in fire. Most encounters involved us getting to his initiative, him casting his patented "super-fireball," and him shouting, "By fire be purged!" After running through a city full of mummies, they open the door to the final encounter, a lich druid. He spouts his catchphrase and fires his super fireball, but the druid's Fire Ward snuffs it out. The lich grins (this being something skulls are inherently skilled at) and says, "How about lightning?" before hitting the entire party with an Arc of Lightning, dropping most of the party members into the teens (and this in a party where the sorcerer has more than 90 hit points at level 10). Best IC quote we've had.

The best OOC quote we had came in another campaign I DMed, where the party was fighting a vrock in a mine shaft. It used its spores ability, and the party druid tried to argue that his summoned thoqua was out of the radius of the effect due to its height above the ground. I pulled out the calculator, crunched some numbers, and slammed it down on the table, shouting, "Pythagorean Theorum, b*tch!" Cue an hour of laughter and taunting before we got back on task.

[Garian]

I was playing a 4th level rogue/fighter Gnome. Who had a hatred for goblins from his back-story.
After a battle with goblins we took one captive. After interrogating him we were planing to take him back to the town at our base of operations.
In the center of the town I make an untrained craft check to make a witch hat for him.
A natural 20.
I then yell "WITCH! WITCH! He is a witch!"
Natural 20 on bluff.

A mob of towns people then take him away to be burned.
For weeks after yelling "Witch! Witch!" when we capture someone or see a goblin became common place. Good times.

[Shadowbane]

Dm created an NPC who's catchphrase, no matter what actually happened, was "Outrageous!" He requested treasure when he abandoned us in a fight, and when my auradin said no, he said "Outrageous!"

My reply?

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

I broke the dm.

Second one. Fought cloud giant zombie, a second cloud giant zombie and a skull lord. The wizard meteor swarmed the room, leaving the skull lord toast and the other two zombies barely alive. My auradin walked in, and expended 3 hit points of lay on hands to kill the first zombie. What did I say? "Kitchy-kitchy-koo!"

[NeoVid]

No context needed:

"The antimatter bomb on the hull? We call that 'Plan A.'"

Some needed:

In our Adventure! game, one player runs an aging, vicious old relic from the Wild West. He's amazingly reckless and shortsighted, which led to this...

"How have you survived this long?"

[The gunfighter pounds back a flask of booze, and smokes a cigarette down to a stub before answering]

"Clean livin'."

[Zhalath]

We were fighting a mummy, and my cleric was armed with a frost longsword. So, I came up with this gem:
"Wait, what? Why are mummies vulnerable to fire? That makes no sense."
"Now, mummies live in deserts. And it's a well-established fact that deserts are hot. Hot means that it's associated with fire-element. Now, this implies that fire-based creatures live in the desert. Now, how can mummies live with creatures that can destroy it in an environment that constantly deals it damage? It can't. Therefore, mummies are weak to cold."

And the DM allowed it.

Also, a drug bust mission in a lakeside storage place, in a D20 game I played had some great ones:
GM: "place is on fire"
Me: "are the guys on fire?"
GM: "Yeah, they're blazing
Me: "Well, they're not important, so we can leave them"
Other Player: "yeah, let's head for the door."
GM: "but what about the fire?"
OP: "First, these are drug dealers, so they deserve it, and second, it's only 1d6 per round."
Me: "Yeah, exactly. If we need to save them, we can put them out with the water"
GM: "The water. You mean the lake?"
Me: "Yeah."
GM: "But, how are you going to get through? The door's on fire."
Me: "It's only 1d6 per round."

*I threw an incendiary grenade at the roadblock*
Me: "The sandbags are destroyed by the grenade."
GM: "But you can't burn sand."
Me: "But you can burn bag!"

And this:
"You may be many men, but I am a man on a horse!"
*Spirited Charge+heavy lance*