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Bad Sketch
*cut to a dark round table (brown or black) in an enclosed room where all actors are effectively seated (but not all revealed until the time comes)*
Announcer *speaks rapidly like a sportscaster for young and up people*: Are you roughly ten years old, zoned out of videogames and crave the intense action and environments that D&D affords you in a more fast paced manner? Bored with slow-witted GMs who only think they're cool for narrating the plot to you? *show visibly overweight, sweaty, slouched-over-DM-barrier GM who's voice drones on (in a literally droney way) in background noise; GM is highlited by the font of 'loser' in bold all-caps*
GM: *with the announcer overlapping beginning at the word 'bored'* Fal'kar the elf takes back his blade from Mol'gosh, swinging with a 'whoosh' and decapitating the foolish hobgoblin where he stands. Fal'kar's hand reaches out for a potion that will hopefully be offered to him by one of his teammates.
Kid 1 *has obnoxious bored expression on face as GM speaks; kid speaks slowly and with dully*: Can I roll now?
GM: Wait just a minute, you haven't yet told me -
Announcer *quips much like those announcers in the hotwheels commercials would*: Well now you can! Mechanically mechanized! Combat intensive! D&D! 3 E D! EXTREME!
Kid 1 *like a kid in a hotwheels commercial*: Woah!
Announcer: Actions are fast paced so that you can keep the game flowing, kind of like real life!
GM *flashes to GM, now wearing a hawaiin shirt with the 'loser' tag replaced by 'pwner'; voice shifts from literal droning to that of screaming rapidly as he throws away the barrier, revealing some paper and a pile of dice*: Holy **** you have 2 seconds to make a reflex save against a blast of wind! *pounds an alarm clock with fist*
*Kid 2 rolls*
GM *speaking rapidly still while gesturing to rolled die*: That's a 2! Your face down in the mud and a giant adder with the head of a fire breathing cave troll just came out of the trap, holy ****!
Kid 3 *gesturing forward with a grin*: I charge!
GM: What the hell! It tailslaps you for like 30 damage before you can hit it, oh ****!
Kid 1 *making anime-style arm gestures rather akin to that of a character in bayblade*: I *wave* CAST *gesture* CURE *wave* LIGHT*throws an air punch that translates to dice dropping from his hand* WOUNDS! YEAH!
Kid 3 *ignoring kid 1*: Actually, I'll use lay on hands!
GM *holding head*: What the **** that incurs an attack of opportunity?!?!
Kid 3: Wait, I don't wanna do that!
GM *grasping hair while shaking head in obtuse manner; wild facial expression, sweating with stress*: Too late, it already happened, rules say we can't reverse turns!
Kid 3: What?
GM: Oh my god, all this talking is wasting time people, in fact it made another attack ontheclericfor800damagethissnake'sGONNA DEVOUR YOU ALL IF YOU DON'T ALL DO SOMETHING! HOLY ****!
Kid 1 *estranged expression*: Wait, what if we build a time machine so then we can travel back to before those turns existed and change them?
GM *shaking head in an obtuse manner*: THAT CAN'T BE DONE IN GAME AND THE SNAKE'S ALSO EATING THE ENTIRE PARTY ALIVE!!! *fingers stumbling over ten different d20s* SO MANY FORTITUDE SAVES IN SO LITTLE TIME!! DO YOU CARE AT ALL ABOUT SURVIVING?! THIS IS SERIOUS CRAP!
Kid 2: It can be done in real life though, my dad's done theories.
Kid 3: Well, I'm willing to try anything.
*5 years later*
GM *weeping as dice are slipping through his fingers*: The snake... it's devouring the king, the country. It's unstoppable. The military lost long ago. So many stabilization rolls. I simulated it all though, thanks to *laughs insanely* hehe... *kicks down chair and strums air guitar* D&D 3Ed: Extreme!!!
Kid 1 *unveals time machine*: Quick get in, it's starting!
Time Machine *warming up*: Wooooo.....
*Kids 2 and 3 hop onto carpet along with Kid 1; Kid 1 flicks a light switch (time machine switch)*
Time Machine *dissappearing into thin air via a frame cut out*: Beow!
*Action Scene: Kids appear behind table just out of sight from their past iterations; kid 1 sneaks up to his own projected past self (who's still playing only regular D&D with the same bored expression) with a kitchen knife. Stabs self in back. Watches as self collapses to the ground and how everyone stares in shock at him. Stares at bloody hands with a distraught expression.*
Kid 1 *horrible realization dawning upon face*: Wait. If I killed myself in the past in order to stop myself from playing out that bad turn in D&D 3Ed: Extreme, then... how could I exist in the future? I'd never be born!
*Kid 1 dissappears right after he says the word 'born''*: Pop!
*Kid 2 and 3 slowly acknowledge Kid 2 and 3, as Kid 2 and 3 make their way back to the time machine. Kid 3 flicks the switch.*: Woo... Beow!
GM *as kids 2 and 3 hurry back to the table*: Ok, actions?
Kid 2: Alright, I was thinking -
Kid 3: No let me go first -
GM: No, you're already dead so I threw out some stock characters for you. You're doing a new adventure and starting over at 0 experience points.
*Kid 2 and 3 give a downer expression*
GM *expression lights up, with mouth wide*: And HADES IN HELLFIRE you know the rules, whoever rolls first goes first, player andyoursurroundedbyspidersinanelevatorshaft oh my god!!!!
Kids 2 and 3 *in chorus, and grinning whilst visibly throwing their dice into the air in slow motion*: Yeeeaaaaaah!
Announcer: D&D 3Ed: Extreme! More intensifying than an FPS! More content than an MMO! *heavy metal stylistic demon growl* Extreeeeeme!
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